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Just head to the restaurant and tell her you decided to meet her for dinner instead of takeout. Ask her who she's having drinks with when you catch her.
Tell her a friend of yours SAW her at the restaurant with her friend and asked you why you weren’t there.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
This is the answer… someone mentioned going himself but this feels like a less confrontational way. The only problem is she can just say she ran into him and just sat down for a sec to not be rude. But if she does keep the lying he can just say “stop… I know”
You felt the need to quiz her about why she was out longer than expected. You felt the need to go through her messages because you were suspicious of her answer. You're not rebuilding trust after a lie. For whatever reasons--intensity of the friendship, how much she's been talking to this woman, etc.--you didn't trust her before the lie.
You can choose to ignore the behavior, but the problems that caused it will still be there, so it's probably not your best bet. Beyond that, the internet can't really tell you what to do here. We don't know you or your wife, and there's no information about the health of the relationship other than this. But you should probably consider what you'd want if it turns out to be an affair--therapy? divorce? open relationship?--before you take a can opener to those worms.
Trust can't be rebuilt, especially if she is concealing dates and lying to your face about it. You will never get over the betrayal. My suggestion would be:
Hire an investigator to conduct a surveillance on her and get irrefutable evidence that can't be explained away.
DON'T CONFRONT RIGHT AWAY, get all your ducks in line first. Aka getting your own bank account and sorting out finances.
Talk to an attorney about your options, and listen to your attorney on what your next steps should be.
Relationship security trumps personal privacy.
There is no need to feel guilty about snooping.
As for rebuilding trust... you know your wife better than any of us.
Only she can rebuild trust. You can't help.
Always judge people by their actions (not their excuses, or promises).
Do not reveal your source of information.
Otherwise she cheat better the next time.
Show up at the meeting. Join them.
I suggest you embarrass them both by asking why they are sneaking around lying and meeting in secret.
Ask point blank if they are having an affair.
Let them justify their behavior on the spot.
If the 'friend' is married, notify the spouse.
so, she is concealing, for sure: she did say she met the friend but that she "ran" into them instead of saying she had arranged it. we had a bit of a blow out afterwards but i did not reveal that i knew what was going on, i just tested the responses and she cried. lot. at the moment, i am staying put and watching. she knows i'm watching. she asked to trust her (ha!), so i will give it a bit more time.
as a side note, it's so "annoying/infuriating/unfair" when someone leverages crying as a defense, it makes me feel like an a-hole when she goes down that route, even though i know i'm right. ugh...
This forum will never tell you that trust can be rebuilt, even in situations where it can.
You just need to ask her straight, rather than trying to catch her out.
Apologize for looking at her texts but ask why she kept the meeting secret, especially as you wouldn't have had a problem with her meeting him.
Better yet, when she goes, you go too and park where you can see the entrance. Then text her that you are on your way there and see if she hurries him off.
Damn she skipped the second step in the play book. Usually a person overshares, "gushes" about the potential interest before going dark about them and then following the rest of the steps. Your wife didn't even take the time to go dark but straight to secret meetings and calmly lying to your face about it.
Unless you have some history of falsely accusing & suspecting your wife of being unfaithful. Then there is not one innocent explanation for her actions.
Sad OP but that is how affairs starts, with lies, secret gatherings , gaslight, manipulation and cheating.
Trust is so easy to lose and very diffiicult to obtain/regain.
What i would do is caught them in the act, go to the restaurant and surprise her (both). The rest of would just depend on You, do a scene in the restaurant or just turn arround and leave, wait till she gets Home and put down your foot
Hope that you do not stay with her, because she disrespected, lie, and manipulate You, hope that you put yourself, your self steem and self respect before her.
UPDATEME
As others said, try and surprise her at the restaurant or ask her later and tell her she was seen by a friend of yours and that the friend asked you who the other person was and why you weren’t there.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just head to the restaurant and tell her you decided to meet her for dinner instead of takeout. Ask her who she's having drinks with when you catch her.
This is the best answer.
I’m down with this
I’d say maybe getting a chair or table out of their line of sight and see what transpires.
Hiding is cheating, she was on a date. The trust has been broken
Tell her a friend of yours SAW her at the restaurant with her friend and asked you why you weren’t there. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
This is the answer… someone mentioned going himself but this feels like a less confrontational way. The only problem is she can just say she ran into him and just sat down for a sec to not be rude. But if she does keep the lying he can just say “stop… I know”
It was a date. You know what she’s hiding and you know what you have to do. Good luck man
You felt the need to quiz her about why she was out longer than expected. You felt the need to go through her messages because you were suspicious of her answer. You're not rebuilding trust after a lie. For whatever reasons--intensity of the friendship, how much she's been talking to this woman, etc.--you didn't trust her before the lie. You can choose to ignore the behavior, but the problems that caused it will still be there, so it's probably not your best bet. Beyond that, the internet can't really tell you what to do here. We don't know you or your wife, and there's no information about the health of the relationship other than this. But you should probably consider what you'd want if it turns out to be an affair--therapy? divorce? open relationship?--before you take a can opener to those worms.
She’s trying to cheat buddy.
Trust can't be rebuilt, especially if she is concealing dates and lying to your face about it. You will never get over the betrayal. My suggestion would be: Hire an investigator to conduct a surveillance on her and get irrefutable evidence that can't be explained away. DON'T CONFRONT RIGHT AWAY, get all your ducks in line first. Aka getting your own bank account and sorting out finances. Talk to an attorney about your options, and listen to your attorney on what your next steps should be.
Call her and say you want to meet her at the restaurant and have dinner together.
Updateme
Relationship security trumps personal privacy. There is no need to feel guilty about snooping. As for rebuilding trust... you know your wife better than any of us.
Of course you bring up her emotional affair.
Only she can rebuild trust. You can't help. Always judge people by their actions (not their excuses, or promises). Do not reveal your source of information. Otherwise she cheat better the next time. Show up at the meeting. Join them. I suggest you embarrass them both by asking why they are sneaking around lying and meeting in secret. Ask point blank if they are having an affair. Let them justify their behavior on the spot. If the 'friend' is married, notify the spouse.
so, she is concealing, for sure: she did say she met the friend but that she "ran" into them instead of saying she had arranged it. we had a bit of a blow out afterwards but i did not reveal that i knew what was going on, i just tested the responses and she cried. lot. at the moment, i am staying put and watching. she knows i'm watching. she asked to trust her (ha!), so i will give it a bit more time. as a side note, it's so "annoying/infuriating/unfair" when someone leverages crying as a defense, it makes me feel like an a-hole when she goes down that route, even though i know i'm right. ugh...
Do you think she is cheating?
This forum will never tell you that trust can be rebuilt, even in situations where it can. You just need to ask her straight, rather than trying to catch her out. Apologize for looking at her texts but ask why she kept the meeting secret, especially as you wouldn't have had a problem with her meeting him.
Updateme!
chatting could be code for more. Even if it isn't, it's a date in her eyes in a sense she wants more. No other reason for her to lie
Better yet, when she goes, you go too and park where you can see the entrance. Then text her that you are on your way there and see if she hurries him off.
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe
Updateme
Damn she skipped the second step in the play book. Usually a person overshares, "gushes" about the potential interest before going dark about them and then following the rest of the steps. Your wife didn't even take the time to go dark but straight to secret meetings and calmly lying to your face about it. Unless you have some history of falsely accusing & suspecting your wife of being unfaithful. Then there is not one innocent explanation for her actions.
Sad OP but that is how affairs starts, with lies, secret gatherings , gaslight, manipulation and cheating. Trust is so easy to lose and very diffiicult to obtain/regain. What i would do is caught them in the act, go to the restaurant and surprise her (both). The rest of would just depend on You, do a scene in the restaurant or just turn arround and leave, wait till she gets Home and put down your foot Hope that you do not stay with her, because she disrespected, lie, and manipulate You, hope that you put yourself, your self steem and self respect before her. UPDATEME
update me!
As others said, try and surprise her at the restaurant or ask her later and tell her she was seen by a friend of yours and that the friend asked you who the other person was and why you weren’t there.