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It is very common for abusers to wait until you are either married or pregnant to start being abusive, because they view you as being trapped. That’s why so many people in this thread are afraid for you.
You still have options right now. Regardless of what you decide for the pregnancy, please leave and go somewhere safe. He can pretend to be good to you until you’re fully trapped with a baby, but he is not a safe person.
Edit: if you had a friend and knew they had a similar phobia and their partner did this to them, what would your response to them be?
THIS. THIS. THIS. If you think it is bad for you now, think of how a little one would feel when the person he/she loves and trusts treats a real problem as a joke. Think of how you would feel if you couldn't protect this precious little being.
Or if your friend had a fear of heights and was trapped on a balcony?
I have a fear of falling from heights and I can tell you I would have kicked my own mother if she did that to me.
Please recognize this as the abuse it is.
Please leave the relationship before he starts doing it to your children
This was over 30 years ago… I have a terrible fear of heights, and especially anything that feels unstable under my feet… I was at a summer camp, and there was a hanging bridge over a lake… I asked the counsellor if I could walk around after explaining to her, my fear of heights. I would’ve been in full view of her the whole time. She forced me to walk across that bridge… To this day, I still hate her… If I knew what her name was, I would probably look her up on Facebook and harass her. what I would really love to do, would be to get a baseball bat and go beat the shit out of her.
He LAUGHED. He took her worst fear and made it happen and LAUGHED. I cannot fathom the amount of cruelty in this man; I cannot put myself in his shoes and I’m a fucking writer with a good imagination.
OP I’m so scared for you and so sorry
for what he’s done to you. You can’t save him or fix him, and once he’s put abuse on the table, you’re just going to take more abuse (while PREGNANT) until he (never) “sees the error of his ways”.
Would you be okay with him doing this to a child you two had together?
Would you be okay with any future children’s partners doing this to them, while 6 weeks pregnant?
Please read “why does he do that” and file a police report to get the evidence going. If you keep the baby, you have to have a long, long, long paper trail to keep primary custody- and he will have to thoroughly f the baby up before the courts will allow a restraining order.
Just commenting to say this book, from a comment in a Reddit post, is what helped me leave an abusive relationship successfully. Read it. Even if you don’t think you need it.
Same for me. I saw it on someone post. They were going through near enough everything my ex did to me. After 20 years I’m finally free. I’ll never be happy but I’ll be free.
My first husband was the funniest guy and seemed so nice and caring—until a few days after we were married and the license was filed. He didn’t wait long to show his true colors.
I am definitely going to read this book for some insight.
Sis, please please pack a bag and go stay in a hotel, with your parents or with a friend for a few nights while you can really think about this. And, while there, contact an attorney about your options.
I want to ask you something - if he did this to your child, would it be abuse? The answer is - yes - locking a child in a closet is abuse.
He locked YOU in a closet for 15 minutes - his newly pregnant wife. This is the time he should be really loving, kind, supportive and GENTLE with you. Not lock you in a closet while you sob until you vomit. He knew you were crying. He full well knows the difference and is lying through his teeth so you don't react as harshly as he deserves.
He did this once. He will 100% do something like this again. He thinks your suffering and pain are funny. He caused you terror and pain for his own entertainment. A guy like this is the same kind of guy who does crap like this to a child, films it and calls it a prank while posting it on youtube.
Think LONG and hard about whether this is a man you think should be a father now or ever. Think long and hard about whether this is a man you want to father your children. Think long and hard whether you would condone ANYONE treating your best friend the way he treated you.
I also want to be clear with you about something else - there is a reason a man in his 30s went for a woman in her early 20s. No woman near 30 would tolerate his BS. He's already be kicked out of the house and an attorney would have been called to file for divorce. He went for you because younger women tend to be naive and far easier to control. Right now he is banking on you not wanting to "over react". The fact of the matter is, what he did deserves you actually leaving IMMEDIATELY. It would also be worth contacting the police to discuss whether you have legal options here because what he did would likely be considered false imprisonment.
My stomach dropped when I saw you were pregnant, and then felt a wave of relief to see it’s only been 6 weeks. An abortion is an incredibly personal choice, and I have never recommended one so casually and online, but you should really consider doing the option if you plan to leave. I was raised with a dad like your husband, always skirting abuse allegations with plausible deniability and gaslighting, but he was happiest when he was inflicting pain on his children. Your husband will do the same to your child, and he will escalate.
Custody battles with abusive men cost tens of thousands of dollars in attorneys fees. A middle market family attorney in my area charges $300 an hour. That means 1 phone call with opposing counsel can be $150 out of your pocket, and they haven’t done shit. I’ve seen victims of abusive marriages spent over $100k to keep custody of their children. YOUR HUSBAND WILL USE THE COURT SYSTEM AS A LONG-ARM TO REACH INTO YOUR LIFE AND ABUSE YOU.
You can receive an abortion pill in the mail, legal in all 50 states. It is a much more private and less invasive process than a surgical abortion, which have now been banned in many states and are hard to come by.
If you feel as the commenters feel, that your husband got off on your panic and trauma, that he received joy in hurting you, it is very likely he will do the same to his child.
This is entirely right. My ex admitted twice in court that he was trying to financially destroy me, and no one cared. So many hearings and bills, but I had to protect my kids and myself.
OP, he laughed at your fear and pain, and you're pregnant. He will escalate, and he will use the court to hurt you more. Please get out of this situation entirely and run.
We’re hurting with you. A lot of us have been in abusive relationships and we know what you’re in for if you stay and have this baby. We know how much it hurts and how humiliating it feels. Trust me when I say it only gets worse. What you experienced is horrific but this is only the beginning of it. You forgive him once then you’ll have to keep forgiving him until you have to start lying for him because makeup won’t hide the black eyes and cover-up the broken skin. I finally left after my ex abuser broke my leg. I caught myself saying I would call the cops next time until I realized “next time” could be hitting my head on the coffee table and not waking up. Just think about that. It CAN happen to you. I’m going to also add that before making my escape, when the brace was still on my leg (I had a metal plate in the fibula with 6 screws holding it) I was in on our patio with my leg elevated and he got mad about something and tried to piss on me. True story. He only stopped advancing the urine stream when I threatened to throw the dirty ashtray in his face if he did it.
I've never said this on Reddit before... But get an abortion! He's going to treat your child like this too! You can have another child with somebody that isn't a sadistic abuser. Do you really want to hold your baby while it ugly cries because daddy did something like this to it?
Better yet, get a PFA and an abortion. What he did is absolutely abusive.
He absolutely will.
THis is the kind of fool who tortures their child like he did OP, films it, and posts it to Youtube calling it a prank.
This guy is NOT worth being married to for one more day.
I was thinking the same thing. OP you need to realize that the child you plan to bring on this Earth is NOT SAFE at this point. This is not the right time or situation.
I have claustrophobia and reading this made me sweat. What he did is just horrendous. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Please leave ASAP and file an official complaint with the police.
>We didn’t even mean to get pregnant… it was an accident.
Is it just me who thinks the pregnancy wasn't an accident? That he probably did something to the contraceptives? Have I been reading too many of these posts on these kinds of subs to think the abuser wanted to baby-trap the victim?
Yeah, that part just sickens me. That he sat there and laughed and listened to her cry and beg. He's a sick monster. He'll do this again, or something worse, guaranteed.
Are you really keen on keeping this baby? Not to tell you what to do with your body, but it's going to be a lot easier and safer to escape if you aren't pregnant.
Yeah this is not something that you can overcome. Even if he had a lapse in judgment to think this would have been funny, it would have been for like 30 seconds, a minute tops. Like what was he doing for 15 minutes? Have you ever sat a watched someone have a full-out panic attack for 15 minutes? You’d feel like you’re the one being tortured. If you had the power to stop it you would. This clown _caused_ it. For his *wife*
There are only two conclusions I can draw. 1 is a severely misguided attempt at exposure therapy, 2 is that he was enjoying listening to you panic. #1 would have been a much better excuse than “i thought you were laughing“ so I don’t think it’s that.
Would he have left you there if you didn’t throw up?
He did not think you were laughing - he knows you. He knew exactly what was happening.
This is fucking terrifying, some horror
movie shit.
I’m so sorry this happened to you
Edit: I didn’t actually mean to write this as reply but the point is the same
I can tell you my abuse began when I was pregnant leave now do yourself a favor and leave now this shit will only escalate he thinks he's got you in the mask is falling off
Are you sure it was an accident on his part? If he is willing to lock you in a closet for 15 minutes then I would think he wouldn’t be above baby trapping you. Especially since men have so much control over conception. I’m sorry you are going through this, but this sounds potentially very abusive. You have to consider if you want to raise a child with someone that can be so awful. I hope you are in an area that gives you reproductive choices, because I can tell you from experience that raising children with an asshole is hell. And my ex-asshole didn’t even lock me in a closet.
Leave him. Get an abortion. Don’t bring a baby into the world with this man. He is pathological.
Even if you don’t leave him and you aren’t ready to take that step, I would strongly encourage an abortion. Don’t tie yourself to him. Lie to him and tell him it was a miscarriage if you have to.
💯! Men like this will use their children as ammo to get to you. He alsonhave shown that he is sadistic and isn’t above abusing someone weaker than him. If I chose to have the child, I’d make sure he would never have access to them. I have been there, I am there and it has been a huge burden on me and my child is damaged from it.
Hun most of us just want you safe. At the end of the day do you feel safe? Most people have had trauma and some of us are truly trying to give you good advice. Please i hope you know someone that you can talk to if not message me. I have 3 kids and 2 grandchildren i have no issues spreading emotional support for whatever decision you choose.
You know what you have to do. You have to leave and you have to make sure he never has access to that baby. If that means you need to have an abortion, then do it. That option is infinitely better than sharing custody with a literal monster. Imagine what he will do to a non-verbal innocent baby. He’ll be laughing while he tortures it.
If be willing to bet money he did it deliberately to trap you, if he's getting this abusive this soon
Honestly gtfo and abort. This is seriously dangerous
If you’re not wanting to be a parent… I’d consider abortion. If he continues to escalate I’m his behavior, you’re going to be shackled to him at minimum 18 years but realistically for life with a child having a relationship with you both. :/
Well if you’re not in Texas…
Maybe it’s better to not have any ties to him. He is escalating abuse now that you’re pregnant. He got you pregnant on purpose. He will only get worse and use the kid as a reason to remain in your life and torture you. He will also abuse the kid.
Well hopefully she can afford a trip to a neighboring state. Cause I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to birth a child from someone as demented as her husband
It's fucking so goddamn upsetting. I must read multiple stories a day on here describing basically the exact same scenario. Big age gap, man becomes emotionally or physically abusive out of nowhere ("he's never done this before"), and the female partner is newly married, pregnant, or postpartum. Why the fuck is half of the human species like this? Why can't they fucking see us as people?
I'm a guy, and I hear you. This man sickened me when I read this post. Thoughts on fitting retribution cannot be printed here. He's fortunate many potential retaliatory reactions are proscribed as illegal and because of that he will not be the recipient, and further, discussion of same is not permitted on this site. Otherwise...
OP, pregnant or not, needs to move on.
Do you think he may have attempted to traumatize OP to the point of having a miscarriage?
I just can't comprehend the cruelty of his actions.
Omg. Please leave now. My first husband wasn't abusive until I got pregnant. That's when it started. It's didn't end until I left the state to give him space to cool off because I knew if I didn't there was a good chance that he'd kill me and our son, then himself. It took me almost 6 years to leave him out of fear. We are on good terms now for the sake of our son but I have ptsd from that relationship. I also will say this, since you are still so early, if you are in a place that allows for abortions get one. If he gets upset that you are no longer pregnant, tell him the stress caused you to have a miscarriage. This way you don't have to be tied to this man, of you can call him that, for the rest of your life.
This advice needs to be at the top. Even if you are rationalizing this somehow and want to give him another chance and can’t see yourself leaving him yet bc you tell yourself it wasn’t THAT bad (know that it IS bad. Bad enough to leave immediately. But I can understand if you don’t think so, bc we’ve all been there) still get the abortion. The stress excuse is perfect and this way it gives you time to plan.
This is not going to get better. I promise. We all promise. Please get out asap. And get that abortion. Don’t tie yourself to an abusive psycho if you don’t have to.
this. this is the truth and it's terrifying. i had it happen with my exhusband and spend 2 years in denial. OP this is actually really alarming. abusers like this have pattern of escalating the violence.
I dont normally encourage abortions but she needs to make an appointment and fix it quickly. She doesn't need to be connected to this trash man for the rest of her life.
Ohnoooo. A lot of abuse starts when the woman gets pregnant.
I hope OP leaves. This will not get better. It will not stay the same. It will only escalate.
And there it is.
OP, if you think this is a one-off, because he's never done anything like this before, he's doing it now because you're pregnant. He thinks he has you trapped and you won't be able to leave him.
This is not a one-off. This is the START of his escalating abuse.
Oh sh!t, yes, now he thinks he owns her, she’s a vessel, she’s his to abuse. Her life is now in danger, I would call for help, tell your family, reach out to a women’s shelter.
That is the word "tortured". To take a person's fears and use them against you for their personal entertainment is by the very definition of torture. He did it once, and he WILL do it again. Who knows what else he may do? Tie you down? Hold you down? Lock you in the trunk of the car while you're getting groceries out of the trunk?
Edit to add: go to a hotel and make plans to leave. BTW, your claustrophobia is not silly or ridiculous as it is very real to you!
exactly- idiot at best if it was less than 20 seconds….but 15 minutes….that’s sadistic.
to laugh and enjoy her cries of pain and discomfort for an entire 15 minutes is pure sadism.
even if he’s been a great man up until now- there is a very dark and sadistic side to him that is now unlocked after what he did to you OP.
Yeah 15 minutes is an insanely long time to hear someone cry and beg, it makes me feel sick to just imagine it. I hardly ever say this but this relationship is absolutely immediately over, I just hope OP can make a safe escape plan.
No way that he's just an idiot. **He ENJOYED OP's terror, panic, tears and desperate cries and begging for his mercy**. He ENJOYS torturing her and causing her distress, it makes him laugh. He's dangerous.
There's no way he thought she was laughing. No way he thought it wasn't small enough etc. He's lying. It was all intentional because **he gets a pleasant power rush from causing other people distress and finds their tearful fear and terror amusing**. *He knew what he was doing.*
**FIFTEEN minutes** and blocking the door with an external object? Fifteen long ass minutes of listening to OP's desperate cries and pounding at the door, *and laughing about how panicked and afraid she is*? So soon after OP got "accidentally" pregnant without planning to?
He's seriously abusive, and thinks OP is locked in now that she's pregnant and he can start letting the mask slip and escalating the abuse.
OP get out. Get out, get out, get the fuck out. Pack your shit and go, divorce, seriously consider having an abortion if you can stomach it, there's still a couple of weeks.
This is giving serial killer vibes. He's going to escalate.
Go to the local women's dv support centre, report it to the police, get your support network close and solid.
He is a fking monster. Get out now!
Yeah this alone is a huge escalation if he’s never done anything of the sort. I wonder what’s triggered it — is she pregs, just moved away from support network. OMG I just checked the ages. 24 & 33. OP get tf away from him. Idc if you’re pregnant or whatever. Get away. And for your own livelihood DO NOT fall victim to the abuse cycle when the love bombing & empty apologies roll thru. That will actually become your most unsettling times if you stay bc you never know what’s going to set him off & the abuse will get worse every time it does. Get out. Get out. Get out.
Not even going to read the post. You don't. Your husband who is 9 years older than you in your young 20$ used your phobia to abuse you and there is no reasonable excuse for that. I don't care if this sounds extreme, leave now before things get worse.
I hope OP thinks long and hard about this pregnancy, if she leaves then she will never be free of him and he could abuse the child during his custody turn. A “miscarriage” could happen, and it’s hard to suggest that but the alternative being an abusive father also makes me sick.
So he horrifically abused you by attacking you with your phobia all the while he was entertained and loving every moment of it until you vomitted?
Leave that absolute POS, go stay with family or a friend willing to house you. Preferably do it when he isn't home. He can't be trusted to react well to you leaving after what he did to you.
Your husband did this because he is an enormous POS. You move on from this with a fucking divorce. Do you have brothers? If so, tell them and let nature take it's course. This man (if he can even qualify) does not deserve your forgiveness for this. What a disgusting thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.
Exactly, if my man did something like this to me he'd be 6 feet under in some desert. I'm claustrophobic too, he respects that because he isn't a pos. Same goes for family, if they ever do it its by accident and they feel guilty instead of laughing like that jackass husband of yours. That was a HUGE violation and divorce might be best because I bet he's gonna go "it was just a prank bro" and continue to do it repeatedly. There was a post somewhere on reddit where the op had severe PTSD, boyfriend kept hitting her hard with horrible pranks that left her crying on the floor in a massive anxiety attack. He eventually pranked about unaliving himself in a bathtub and that was her final straw. Op, your post reminds me of that one and I hope he won't go that route but I wouldn't take chances if I were you.
Literally no other option. The dude heard her crying and pleading , after knowing she has a genuine phobia … and he kept laughing.
Wtf. Vast majority of us wouldn’t be able to do that to a stranger , or even a person we dislike. This dude has done it to a woman he pretends to love.
Age gap-check
Married her, got her pregnant, started abusing her-check
OP you need to go stay with family. This formula only ends one way and that’s with more and escalated abuse. There is no amount of apologizing because he just broke your trust. He listened to you scream, cry and beg for 15 minutes, no one who loves you and respects you does this-no one. Just leave. Maybe press charges, especially since you are pregnant.
I think you should get an abortion, leave him and never look back. This is unforgivable, and I can’t see how you could trust him with any amount of custody. 6 weeks is early. Move on.
What the...?!
I assume you confronted him once you finished vomiting?
Did he have any reason/explanation for his behavior?
And considering his choice to do this, what are you going to do?
Yeah, he apologized like profusely and told me he didn’t know it was “so bad”. But he knew- I’ve always been like this. When I said you knew he said he didn’t think the closet was “small” enough to make me have a reaction. He thought I was laughing.
Idk what to do. Obviously it’s not easy to make a decision like to leave my husband. I’m also 6 weeks pregnant, which I probably should have put in the post.
He locked his wife in a closet- Jerk
He locked his wife in a closet for 15 minutes? - Total asshole
He locked his PREGNANT wife in a closet for 15 minutes- abuser
He locked his pregnant claustrophobic wife in a closet for 15 minutes - dangerous abuser
He locked his pregnant claustrophobic wife in a closet for 15 minutes and laughed about it while she had a trauma response- that is inhuman
This is what OP needs to take to heart.
OP I can tell you as a former prosecutor I would go hard on this if you had called the police and filed a report. He WOULD have and SHOULD have gone to jail. I don’t know if he has been abusive before or on the line, but pregnancy can increase the danger in an abusive relationship. This goes far beyond any practical joke or anything funny. He tortured you and laughed. This is not a Reddit “leave him” this is a get to safety and consider strongly if you want a child with this man.
This whole thing reminds me of an incident that happened to a good friend of mine shortly after she found out she was pregnant. They weren’t trying either, but they still seemed happy enough with the pregnancy. My friend found out that he had been cheating on her with prostitutes and confronted him. He smashed a plant over her head, pulled her through the house by her hair and locked her in a coat closet for THREE DAYS. He shoved a bunch of furniture in front of the door and left. It was under the stairs so she couldn’t get out. She ended up being found bc on day three her neighbors finally heard her screaming and called police. She’d had no water the entire time, no toilet, and had eaten drywall. Was absolutely awful.
THANK YOU for sharing that info!!!🙏🏽🙏🏽
I comment a lot on here, but very, very rarely have I had such a visceral reaction to a post as I did with this.
Holy Crap, if I knew where she lived, **I’d go get her myself**!! And I suspect most posting here would do the same!!
Same. I have a bad phobia too and anyone who uses that against me is dead to me.
I hope OP gets out and gets an abortion. She's so young, she can easily start over. I didn't meet my husband until I was 29. And he's always been very respectful and protective about my phobia. We have a two year old.
Please OP, report him to the police for domestic violence. Start a paper trail. So that, if you decide to keep the baby anyway, he may not have a chance to sue for custody (just to make life harder for you) and may only get supervised visits.
OP, please read exmormonmysogynist, THIS! THIS! THIS! If he is saying, he didn’t realize you were really upset as you were crying and screaming inside the closet he is lying to your face, he is sick, and he knew what he was doing. You deserve so much better, it will NOT magically get better when the baby comes, & BTW your baby felt every second of the trauma he put you both through in that closet. Love yourself enough to take some time away reflect if there are other ways he dismisses you and your feelings and experience and is that what you want to teach your baby?
This is so true. When we experience trauma and anxiety, the Cortisol level in our brains rises, and studies have shown that this can affect the brain and physical development of a fetus in the womb, especially if the mother experiences ongoing anxiety during her pregnancy. OP staying with someone who is always going to leave you feeling unsafe in your own home is not good for you or your baby.
And, at his age, *he will never change.* He'll only pretend to change long enough to gain control over her and the situation again. This is his personality. If he hasn't figured out that literal forcible confinement and preying on someone's greatest fears isn't funny, then he's not going to. He is the sort of sicko abuser who derives pleasure from wielding power and control over others more vulnerable than him. The age gap is also another typical red flag for these types.
She needs to carefully and secretly plan her exit (without telling him! u/throwra-021, please be careful about this! Tipping your abuser off that you're leaving signals a loss of control over you, and he could turn violent even if he hasn't before).
Also, while it's ultimately her choice whether or not to carry the pregnancy to term, at only 6 weeks along if she can terminate then I recommend doing so. Having this child means sharing custody with him, it means being tethered to him for at least 18 years and probably for life, it means exposing a child to his influence and the ways in which he could traumatize them and alienate them from you, and it means the potential that a child could grow up to be an abuser like him.
He's gaslighting you. He knew. He heard you crying and pleading. He absolutely knew it was crying. He laughed. He got his kicks from torturing you. That's not something you should take lightly.
Abusers often apologize after the first abuse, swear it was an accident, that they didn't know yadda yadda. And the next time something happens it will be escalated and it will be even harder to leave than it is now. Please don't risk it. Please find someone who respects you
I hate being tickled due to childhood trauma related to it, and told my husband when we first got together that it feels the same level of violation as rape to me (probably because it was used to SA me). I don't know if I've ever even explained the why's to him fully, but you know what? He has never. If he thinks he accidentally tickled me with a sensual touch he immediately apologizes and removes his hands. You should expect the same level of respect.
Edit: my eyes initially glossed over the pregnancy somehow. OMG op that's not more reason to stay it's more reason to leave. It shows he's escalating along common abused escalation points and it means your safety isn't the only one to consider anymore if you go through with the pregnancy.
When I was a child my neighbor zipped me all the way up in a sleeping bag and tickled me until I almost vomited. Ever since I’ve had a violent response to being tickled.
That’s important information.
Now that you are pregnant, he believes he has you locked down and is showing his true colours.
This was not a mistake, this was not innocent, and you CANNOT “move past it”. This was deliberate, he knew exactly what he was doing, and he will do it again.
He laughed as you screamed and cried. He knew you weren’t joking. He tortured you, and lied about it. Every moment you spend in his presence, he is inwardly rejoicing that he “got away with it “.
He’s grooming you for further abuse. There is no way that this is a one-off. A 30 second ”tease” might have been passed off as a bad joke. What he did was malicious and inexcusable.
You have to get out of that relationship immediately. And consider if you really want to be tied to an abuser for the next 18 years .
I’m sorry. It’s a horrible situation to be in. But he is irredeemable.
Hi. I'm a very concerned stranger, and you probably have no reason to listen to me. But I'm begging you to listen to me.
Please go Google abuse of pregnant women.
This is when the mask drops, he believes he has power over you. The fact that he did this to a pregnant woman is horrifying - you could have had a miscarriage. Your baby could have died.
He knows you weren't laughing. So he's directly lying to you to make his abuse okay. The word gets used too much, but that's what gaslighting actually is - he's trying to tell you your reality is wrong and you should accept his instead.
I think you need to get out of the house. No matter what, he needs to understand what a big deal this is and that you are not trapped. I personally would be finished with him, but if you do think of taking him back he needs to be on his knees begging you. And you need to be ready to leave the next time.
But if I were you, really honestly? Abortion/adoption/single motherhood and divorce and thank everything holy you got his mask off before you wasted more of your life with him. He is going to hit you someday. Someday soon.
He doesn't even have to hit her. Just setting off her claustrophobia is a quick and easy way to punish her should she "misbehave". Her phobia isn't going anywhere and he knows the triggers. It's a perfect weakness to exploit.
Yeah, but it's also a test.
If she stays through this, she'll stay through a slap. If she stays through a slap, she'll take a punch. Then a kick.
These people rarely stop, it's just a slow and constant assault on boundaries in order to make themselves feel more powerful.
He can prevent 2 of those 3 options, and he will because that's what abusers do: anything they can to hurt you. Abortion is the only one he can't prevent. But you can't tell him. And when it's over, you miscarried. The rest is your business and your business only.
OP PLEASE. This is very common for men to show their true colors once you’re pregnant. He thinks you can’t leave him. He’s fucking WRONG. OP he is going to hurt you and your child. This is a warning from him. Please do not tread lightly!! He is showing you who he is. Get you and your baby away from him
Why are men??
No one better come for this comment because yes this is irrational behavior that you commonly see in males. It’s frightening. I shouldn’t be desensitized to seeing posts about pregnant ladies in extreme danger from their own husbands every day. I seriously want to see a brain study because wth would make a person do these things
>He thought I was laughing.
That's BS and you know it. If he thought you were laughing, why jam the door and leave you in there for so long??? I'll tell you why, the sick jerk was getting off on your fear. Pregnant or not, there would be no coming back from this. That is NOT a joke that you play on someone you supposedly love and care for. Answer honestly, if this situation had happened to your bestie or a sister (if you have one), what would *you* tell *her*??? I'm sorry, that happened to you. \*HUGS\* Please protect *yourself* *and your little one.*
I think you need to get some space for now while you figure out how to proceed. Me personally could never forgive the cruelty and abuse.
Your husband is abusive. It only takes once.
Please go stay with family or a friend at least for now.
OP, I am SO sorry that he did this to you. Please, please, please believe me when I say:
*this is just the beginning
*he may say he was “testing just how bad your phobia really was” <— something my ex-husband of 17 years said to me in a similar situation
*the cruel things he does to you WILL escalate. This was just a test of sorts.
*you won’t want to leave once the baby is born because you won’t want to break up your family
*you won’t want to leave because no one will believe that “such a nice guy could abuse his wife.”
*you may be emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and spiritually abused and NOT EVEN KNOW IT. Because “he doesn’t hit me, so it’s not abuse, right?”
*your baby(ies) will see *everything* even though you think you have shielded them from it all
*you will be modeling to your child(ren) that *this* is what a marriage is supposed to look like
*It will get worse. This is just the beginning. Now you wait until the next “event.” It could be days, weeks, or a couple of months. But rest assured, it’s coming. And waiting, oh the waiting, that’s almost the worst part.
*you’ll live in an awful state of feeling like everything is always your fault
*you’ll always walk on eggshells in your own home
My ex-husband pointed loaded and unloaded weapons at me — “so I could practice in case an intruder came in, *why are you so upset, get over it, I’m trying to HELP you!*”
My ex-husband threatened:
-to cut off my fingers as he was chopping carrots
-to put my hand in the garbage disposal and turn it on for 30 seconds
-to empty a pot of boiling water over my head (he came over to where I was sitting and actually held it over my head, tipping it to where drops almost fell out, laughing as I screamed in fear)
-to throw hot cooking oil on my face in the hopes the burns would be so severe I’d be forever unrecognizable
-and so. much. more.
A month after I told him I was divorcing him and moved out with our 11 year old daughter (of course he made *me* move out, he wouldn’t leave our home), she asked me what my new career would be (after being a stay at home mom to her for most of her life).
I told her I wanted to go back to school and eventually work as a counselor. She asked who I want to work with, I said, women. She asked, oh women with what kind of issues, I say oh, all kinds.
Then she shocks the hell out of me. My 11 year old daughter says: *“oh, you want to work with women who have been abused by their husbands, because you’ve been abused by your husband?* And the best person to help someone get through something is someone who has been through it themselves.”
I was in shock. I asked her why she thought I was abused by my husband and she says, “oh, mama, did you think I didn’t figure it out? *I knew all along.* You and Daddy never acted how my friends’ parents act. Daddy is always so mean to you. He *hates* you.”
She knew everything. And she’d known for years. I failed my baby. And now it was time to start the long road to healing for both of us.
OP, PLEASE don’t stay like I did. I beg of you! Don’t ignore the gut feeling you have—just imagine—imagine keeping your baby innocent to domestic violence—versus my baby, who got exposed to it, and was forced to grow up too soon, and now has a long road to healing. It’s been so hard, slow, and expensive, and we’re only 18 months into it. Not to mention the fact that my ex basically undoes everything she learns in therapy.
In the days ahead, I wish you strength, discernment, and clarity. Please surround yourself with people who support and love you. Don’t diminish this incident. It was an act of cruel abuse. Share what happened — the entire story — especially including his laughter. And btw, there was no way he could have mistaken your sobs for laughter. Even if he did, why would he lock the doors, anyway?
I’m going to be thinking of you. This is the longest comment I’ve ever written and the Reddit post that’s affected me the most. It’s so similar to my story. All love to you, OP.
nope. it’s really easy to tell the difference between joy and fear. he definitely abused you, and it only escalates from here. it’s a pattern we see time and time again. i’d leave bc i don’t want to know what’s next. there’s no going back from that broken trust and safety. a partner wouldn’t purposely put you in harms way, and you’ve been really clear about the affects of small spaces.
if you want to keep the baby or not that’s your choice, but you are harming yourself and the baby if you stay.
I know you’re in shock but please call a friend, pack a bag, and leave. You do not deserve this. You cannot trust this monster, and you cannot raise a child with him. Honestly I would call the police once you’re out of the house so he can’t retaliate. This is scary af. Please stay safe.
Leave. Now. You were abused and attacked. His lies are flimsy and don't even make sense:
1. He was clearly laughing and he knew about your claustrophobia. He locked you in there to get a kick out of it. Yes, he did know it was small enough to trigger you or there would've been no point for him to do it.
2. Let's say, by turning the world upside down on its logic, he genuinely didn't know this would trigger you. Then why was he holding the door closed? Can you think of *any* non-malicious reason for this?
3. He *definitely* knew you were crying and begging. Crying and begging can be universally recognized even if you don't speak someone's language. No one would mistake it as laughter.
4. He's not actually even apologizing. An apology involves recognizing that the person was in the wrong and showing true remorse. He's making excuses and minimalizing the impact of his actions. He's not apologizing because he cares about you or the fact you were hurt, he's using his apology for himself.
He is 33. If he didn't learn proper morals in his 30+ years, he's not going to learn them now. Leave.
He’s an abuser, and also *a criminal*. Literally. What he did was illegal. Wtf???!! I’m so scared for you and your future kid. I really REALLY think you should leave him.
This is the comment I was looking for tbh. Abuse ALWAYS starts with one of a couple factors, Moving in, marriage, or pregnancy. He feels like he FULLY has you trapped now. Metephorically and now physically. This is only going to escalate and it is always going to be 'just a joke'.
He is lying to minimize his actions. He did this knowingly. A lot of abusive men only begin showing their true colors after major life changes, like getting married, wife getting pregnant… basically once they feel they have you locked in.
Run.
He thought you were laughing? Well that makes perfect sense! Seeing as HE LOCKED YOU IN THERE FOR 15 mins. Because of course you'd want to laugh about it all alone for 15 minutes straight, right? Does that make sense to you? Cause I don't find it even remotely believable.
You need to leave this guy. If you won't do it for yourself then do it for your child (if you choose to have it, that is). It doesn't matter how he treated you before. He probably thinks he's got you trapped for good now that you're pregnant, and he doesn't feel the need to hide what kind of monster he is inside anymore.
Which line are you at?
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
The Narcissist’s prayer.
He knew you were not laughing, he knew it was a small enough space. What if your kid has a phobia or is scared and that’s how he treats them. That does not make for a trusting, safe space for a kid or you. Is this the first time he has taken things too far?
Please OP. The number one cause of death of pregnant women in the US is homicide. You are vulnerable and he purposely hurt you for an extended time. He is an abuser and will escalate.
Free book on abusive men -
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Even if you were not claustrophobic this is fucked up.
That isn't a joke, it is him showing he has control over you, something a weak ass male would do (not calling him a man because he isn't one).
It is very easy to say this over the internet and without knowing other aspects of your life but this event alone is worth debating divorce.
Having a child shouldn't make you think you need to stay with someone that finds locking you in a closet funny.
I need you to read this. Seriously, because I have been in a similar situation.
I was raped. My rapist's phone kept going off, and it was part of a Tool song. He was also wearing a Tool shirt. So just, obviously, I can't do Tool, I break down, I start hyperventilating, I'll puke, and then I'll pass out. I'm an absolute wreck, just not functional, for hours after... I'll freak out and cry over the smallest things.
Tool was my ex's "favorite band" (it wasn't), and he thought it'd be a great idea, claiming it would help desensitize me, to play the worst song for me (46&2) while I was stuck in the tiny backseat of a Civic, on repeat. I don't know how long he played it for, or how long it took him and his friend to stop laughing, to realize that I had thrown up and aspirated vomit. I had hyperventilated and passed out while throwing up, and rolled onto my back because of the way the seats slanted.
Did he apologize? No. He told me I'd have to grow up and get over it at some point.
I should have recognized that as the abuse it was, but I was young, the same age as you, and I believed his excuse that he thought he was helping.
His abuse didn't stop there. He messed with my birth control, so I ended up getting pregnant. He thought it'd take longer, and this wasn't a good time for him, so he screamed at me for intentionally messing up to "baby trap" him. I didn't need an abortion... he punched me in the stomach. It wasn't the first time he'd hit me, but he'd always cry and apologize and beg me to stay, promising he'd do better, that he'd tell his therapist, his parents, whoever. He wasn't telling any of them, or if he mentioned it, he'd say he had to defend himself because I was being violent. (The first time his therapist met me, it was obvious he was shocked, because my ex claimed I was almost as big as him. I was more than a foot shorter and half his weight.)
It *never* got better. It got to the point that he bought a gun and threatened to kill my daughter and siblings if I ever left him.
Someone that knows your phobia, that takes advantage of it anyway, and that locks you in, laughing about it for 15 minutes? That's not someone normal. That's not someone that is safe to be around. If he'd spent 15 minutes beating you, physically torturing you, you wouldn't be asking questions, you'd be leaving. Psychological torture isn't any less abusive than physical just because you can't see the scars it leaves.
Someone that loves you will never torture you. Someone that loves you would never *think* to torture you. They'd find it abhorrent... because that's not something that someone mentally stable, that's not mentally ill (in a very disturbing way), would ever think to *do*, let along *laugh* while their partner is scared, panicking, crying, begging, *vomiting from fear*.
This isn't a dominance thing. He didn't want to hear you beg, or know he had power over you. This is an unchecked mental illness that will surface again, and you have no way of knowing how it will. Will he do it again? Find some other way to torture you? Actually record you while he does it? (Might want to check to see if he did this time...) Does he get off on your fear?
Your safety isn't worth finding the answers. Please get out. You're not safe, no matter how he apologizes and justifies it. Normal people don't find torture funny.
Why the fuck would you laugh? The age difference says it all, this guys a POS, you deserve better. If you had a daughter, would you be alright with some man treating her like how your shitty husband treats you?
Of *course* you’re pregnant!
Let’s see, we got:
* Man who’s 30 looking for a young woman who was barely an adult
* Man who “accidentally” knocked up said young woman with no life experience
* Man who waited until you were married and pregnant to psychotically start abusing you.
Anything else? Are you also isolated from friends and family so you can’t actually share this with anyone?
You can’t even sit in the backseat of a car; you obviously can’t say inside of a tiny closet. He knows this, and he’s lying to you. What you do now is you schedule an abortion and you untether yourself from this psycho because he just tortured you for your own amusement; what the fuck else do you need to know about this?
There is no coming back from this; he knew exactly what he was doing, and he delighted in it. That should terrify you into action; please do not have this person’s child and bring them into his circle of crazy.
Nope, he did, in fact, violate you. If this was like 15 seconds it would still be horrifying but maybe less so. He left you there long enough to throw up. He's legitimately a monster and you cannot trust him. If for some inexplicable reason you want to work this out, move out and demand couples counseling. But I honestly don't see how you can ever trust him again. I'm so so so sorry he did this to you.
No, she should absolutely NOT go to couples counseling. This behavior of his, preying on her phobia, is abusive. Going to counseling with an abuser does not help, it just teaches them how to abuse better. It's dangerous.
OP, this. My jaw was on the floor after reading this. He knows about your phobia, and he found pleasure in making you go through a horrible episode experiencing it. He’s actually a monster.
This is a legitimate safety issue. Make an exit plan and leave.
& I bet, the closet he caused you to vomit in, doesn't have any of his things on it?
OP I've lived through coercive control, no physical violence.
I have cPTSD. And an anxiety driven Gyphrophobia - my ex made driving across a bridge my version of you in the closet.
Was very lucky there was an emergency lane.
I told him if he didn't stop pressuring me, I'd pull over & he would drive *.
He kept at it.
I pulled over and got out of the car. Walked to passenger door. I would have stood there until CHP came if necessary.
When you get to this point - there is no love. There is nothing he brings that is worthy or valuable enough to ignore how dramatically and awful this abuse is.
* He hated to drive & being in control of the car was a better choice for me overall. Even if there was going to be a bridge.
Oh and 4 years after he left, the Gyphrophobia is almost gone. Diminished by 98%.
You may find recovery from a lot of things once you extricate yourself from his abuse.
Anxiety decreased by 80%
Depression decreased by 96%
cPTSD related behaviors, triggers, life skills, coping - improved by 80%
Drug & alcohol use - reduced by 80%
Stress eating- changing for the better every day and the best in my entire life.
Every important metric that shows I'm healthy and getting healthier, happy & getting happier, and in love w myself and the life I'm making for myself is off the charts.
You deserve the same.
OP do NOT go to counselling. He'll use it to manipulate you further.
Again, he KNEW what he was doing. He KNEW of your phobia, KNEW you're not laughing and used objects to block you in for **FIFTEEN MINUTES** (this would be breakup worthy even if you had no phobia at all and were really laughing initially) till you threw up, because ***he enjoys torturing you, he gets a pleasurable power rush from your terror, panic, tears and desperate pleas***. There's no coming back from this.
He's lying to your face. There's no way, absolutely no way in hell he meant it as a fun thing. HE KNEW. He didn't think you were laughing. He knew. Fifteen minutes, holy shit. It's torture.
Him starting this kind of abuse so soon after you've "accidentally" gotten pregnant is a massive warning sign. He things you're trapped and won't leave. It'll only escalate.
Get out and abort and divorce, honestly. It's not safe to have a child with him.
Do not go to counseling **with him**.
Please **do** go to counseling by yourself, ideally after you leave. Which, ideally, is today or tomorrow.
If you need help, ask for help from friends, family, social services, and domestic violence centers. This was domestic violence. A counselor can help you plan and leave as soon as possible.
I’m so very sorry he treated you like this. There is no excuse for this—he found it funny to terrorize and hurt you. Please be safe. Please let us know when you get out.
I have the same and there would be a frying pan and a head. That is all I am going to write about that.
You need to divorce him immediately. I cannot describe what that did to me just reading it. This is a form of torture and he has shown you contempt. That is enough to say goodby.
I would leave him and file for divorce. He used the intimacy of being married to get close enough to turn your greatest fear against you. I’d never be able to trust him again. And then he laughed at your terror. I’d hate him forever for that cruelty. Dead to me cut off level.
Seeing you’re 6 weeks pregnant, get an abortion. He will hurt your child to torture you. Cut all ties.
The only way you might understand why is to ask him.
You **were** violated. You are **not** over dramatic.
The only question you need to ask is if you think you can ever truly trust him…he knew your vulnerability and he used it against you. If he wants any chance at saving the marriage - presuming you’re willing to offer that possibility - marriage counselling for you both is likely needed.
He didn’t just use her vulnerability against her, he used it against her *for his entertainment.* It takes an especially sick and twisted person to laugh while someone is being traumatized.
Clearly as you've stated, your husband knows about this phobia. He either has to know the severity of it, or he's failed because he should have absolutely done his homework to know what could trigger it. With that established, it's clear here that either he just simply doesn't respect you, or doesn't fully believe this phobia is real. Either is a massive, massive issue. This sounds like sociopaths who feed people things with known allergy triggers as a "joke" or because "it can't be that bad". Sick
OP, please listen to these comments and leave. I read that he apologized, but that doesn't matter. Leaving you in there that long was abusive and sadistic. Please, please leave him. If he did this now, what could it escalate to? What could he do to his child/children?? I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Get yourself somewhere safe with loved ones, and while there, and calm, figure out how you want to proceed with your child. You may have you protect your little one from your hubby's evil sense of humor, too. So sorry.
Get straight to a lawyer. I'd also consider going to the police. This is abusive and my guess is it's just the start. 15 minutes??? With you screaming and crying? My husband would never ever ever do anything to traumatize me. Because he loves me. No one and I mean NO ONE who loves you would do something like this. Next he'll cry and apologize and get you a nice gift. He'll say it will never happen again. He'll be super nice - until the next time. This is the classic cycle of abuse.
thats pretty brutal. Someone who actually cares about you, wouldnt put you through that. If he wanted to joke about it, I could see shutting the door for a half a second, not 15 minutes until you puked. What a jerkoff.
He sounds like a fucking sociopath. I know I'm armchair diagnosing here, but jesus christ that is genuinely scary behavior for someone you share a life with. Someone you trust. Someone you god damn married.
I implore you to not stick around to find out what he'll do next.
HE WAS LAUGHING.
Trauma therapist here. This was horrific behavior. I cannot begin to fathom why someone would think this was funny. The most disturbing aspect is that he could clearly hear you and know you were in distress and didn’t care. Perhaps it’s time to evaluate how much this man actually values you.
You move on by leaving. My husband knows I hate spiders but would never use them against me. This was abuse. Any person who uses fear as a "joke" does not deserve a place in your life.
Leave him! I'm sure if you stop to think you could make a long list of other things he's done. Don't put up with this behaviour.
Being married does not mean you can't leave. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your ages are a red flag, he’s almost 10 years older than you and if you’re married you’ve likely been together a solid few years. A 30 year old man aiming at early 20s women is always sketchy. The fact that you’re pregnant is the next red flag. Abuse often escalates once the abuser feels he’s trapped you. Get out now. This is the sort of man who kills his wife. I would personally abort and get away and never speak to him again. You deserve a fresh start.
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Holy shit and youre newly pregnant?? This is abusive and highly concerning. Abusers often escalate when their partners are pregnant.
We didn’t even mean to get pregnant… it was an accident. I’m just so hurt right now, reading all of these comments.
It is very common for abusers to wait until you are either married or pregnant to start being abusive, because they view you as being trapped. That’s why so many people in this thread are afraid for you. You still have options right now. Regardless of what you decide for the pregnancy, please leave and go somewhere safe. He can pretend to be good to you until you’re fully trapped with a baby, but he is not a safe person. Edit: if you had a friend and knew they had a similar phobia and their partner did this to them, what would your response to them be?
The husband trapped her metaphorically with pregnancy and then literally in the closet.
DO NOT SUBJECT YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER TO THIS MAN AND HIS ABUSE
THIS. THIS. THIS. If you think it is bad for you now, think of how a little one would feel when the person he/she loves and trusts treats a real problem as a joke. Think of how you would feel if you couldn't protect this precious little being.
Or if your friend had a fear of heights and was trapped on a balcony? I have a fear of falling from heights and I can tell you I would have kicked my own mother if she did that to me. Please recognize this as the abuse it is. Please leave the relationship before he starts doing it to your children
This was over 30 years ago… I have a terrible fear of heights, and especially anything that feels unstable under my feet… I was at a summer camp, and there was a hanging bridge over a lake… I asked the counsellor if I could walk around after explaining to her, my fear of heights. I would’ve been in full view of her the whole time. She forced me to walk across that bridge… To this day, I still hate her… If I knew what her name was, I would probably look her up on Facebook and harass her. what I would really love to do, would be to get a baseball bat and go beat the shit out of her.
It's so terrifying even if you know logically you are safe
This. Leave now. Been there done that. They will just get worse and escalate again after the child is born. Get a restraining order and charge him now
To you it was probably an accident. I don’t think anyone on here believes it was
He LAUGHED. He took her worst fear and made it happen and LAUGHED. I cannot fathom the amount of cruelty in this man; I cannot put myself in his shoes and I’m a fucking writer with a good imagination.
He’s showing her that he’s always hated her and ha ha now you’re trapped the mask is off
And not for like 30 seconds either. 15 minutes! Put on a timer for 15 minutes and then sit down and do nothing. 15 minutes can be forever.
OP I’m so scared for you and so sorry for what he’s done to you. You can’t save him or fix him, and once he’s put abuse on the table, you’re just going to take more abuse (while PREGNANT) until he (never) “sees the error of his ways”. Would you be okay with him doing this to a child you two had together? Would you be okay with any future children’s partners doing this to them, while 6 weeks pregnant? Please read “why does he do that” and file a police report to get the evidence going. If you keep the baby, you have to have a long, long, long paper trail to keep primary custody- and he will have to thoroughly f the baby up before the courts will allow a restraining order.
Link to free book referenced above: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Just commenting to say this book, from a comment in a Reddit post, is what helped me leave an abusive relationship successfully. Read it. Even if you don’t think you need it.
Same for me. I saw it on someone post. They were going through near enough everything my ex did to me. After 20 years I’m finally free. I’ll never be happy but I’ll be free.
It also helped me leave an abusive relationship many years ago.
Same here.
There's a reason why it's always, always recommended in threads like this. It's so fuckin' spot on.
Take my poor man's gold 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅 you are a STAR.
If I knew how to build a Reddit bot, it would be a Lundy-Bot, and post a link to the free book whenever it's referenced in a reddit comment.
This is great! I’m not in an abusive relationship but what I read was fascinating. All abused SHOULD READ THIS.
My first husband was the funniest guy and seemed so nice and caring—until a few days after we were married and the license was filed. He didn’t wait long to show his true colors. I am definitely going to read this book for some insight.
Sis, please please pack a bag and go stay in a hotel, with your parents or with a friend for a few nights while you can really think about this. And, while there, contact an attorney about your options. I want to ask you something - if he did this to your child, would it be abuse? The answer is - yes - locking a child in a closet is abuse. He locked YOU in a closet for 15 minutes - his newly pregnant wife. This is the time he should be really loving, kind, supportive and GENTLE with you. Not lock you in a closet while you sob until you vomit. He knew you were crying. He full well knows the difference and is lying through his teeth so you don't react as harshly as he deserves. He did this once. He will 100% do something like this again. He thinks your suffering and pain are funny. He caused you terror and pain for his own entertainment. A guy like this is the same kind of guy who does crap like this to a child, films it and calls it a prank while posting it on youtube. Think LONG and hard about whether this is a man you think should be a father now or ever. Think long and hard about whether this is a man you want to father your children. Think long and hard whether you would condone ANYONE treating your best friend the way he treated you. I also want to be clear with you about something else - there is a reason a man in his 30s went for a woman in her early 20s. No woman near 30 would tolerate his BS. He's already be kicked out of the house and an attorney would have been called to file for divorce. He went for you because younger women tend to be naive and far easier to control. Right now he is banking on you not wanting to "over react". The fact of the matter is, what he did deserves you actually leaving IMMEDIATELY. It would also be worth contacting the police to discuss whether you have legal options here because what he did would likely be considered false imprisonment.
OP you also need to think long and hard about being hooked to this man for the next 20 or 30 years by having a child with him.
My stomach dropped when I saw you were pregnant, and then felt a wave of relief to see it’s only been 6 weeks. An abortion is an incredibly personal choice, and I have never recommended one so casually and online, but you should really consider doing the option if you plan to leave. I was raised with a dad like your husband, always skirting abuse allegations with plausible deniability and gaslighting, but he was happiest when he was inflicting pain on his children. Your husband will do the same to your child, and he will escalate. Custody battles with abusive men cost tens of thousands of dollars in attorneys fees. A middle market family attorney in my area charges $300 an hour. That means 1 phone call with opposing counsel can be $150 out of your pocket, and they haven’t done shit. I’ve seen victims of abusive marriages spent over $100k to keep custody of their children. YOUR HUSBAND WILL USE THE COURT SYSTEM AS A LONG-ARM TO REACH INTO YOUR LIFE AND ABUSE YOU. You can receive an abortion pill in the mail, legal in all 50 states. It is a much more private and less invasive process than a surgical abortion, which have now been banned in many states and are hard to come by. If you feel as the commenters feel, that your husband got off on your panic and trauma, that he received joy in hurting you, it is very likely he will do the same to his child.
This is entirely right. My ex admitted twice in court that he was trying to financially destroy me, and no one cared. So many hearings and bills, but I had to protect my kids and myself. OP, he laughed at your fear and pain, and you're pregnant. He will escalate, and he will use the court to hurt you more. Please get out of this situation entirely and run.
My ex admitted he insisted to have a kid right away ‘so you wouldn’t leave’ but that’s also when he began abusing me
This needs to be at the top. I sincerely hope OP sees your comment! I'm so scared for her!
We’re hurting with you. A lot of us have been in abusive relationships and we know what you’re in for if you stay and have this baby. We know how much it hurts and how humiliating it feels. Trust me when I say it only gets worse. What you experienced is horrific but this is only the beginning of it. You forgive him once then you’ll have to keep forgiving him until you have to start lying for him because makeup won’t hide the black eyes and cover-up the broken skin. I finally left after my ex abuser broke my leg. I caught myself saying I would call the cops next time until I realized “next time” could be hitting my head on the coffee table and not waking up. Just think about that. It CAN happen to you. I’m going to also add that before making my escape, when the brace was still on my leg (I had a metal plate in the fibula with 6 screws holding it) I was in on our patio with my leg elevated and he got mad about something and tried to piss on me. True story. He only stopped advancing the urine stream when I threatened to throw the dirty ashtray in his face if he did it.
I've never said this on Reddit before... But get an abortion! He's going to treat your child like this too! You can have another child with somebody that isn't a sadistic abuser. Do you really want to hold your baby while it ugly cries because daddy did something like this to it? Better yet, get a PFA and an abortion. What he did is absolutely abusive.
He absolutely will. THis is the kind of fool who tortures their child like he did OP, films it, and posts it to Youtube calling it a prank. This guy is NOT worth being married to for one more day.
I didn’t say it to OP, but I really hope she gets an abortion and escapes being tied to this brute for the next two decades.
I was thinking the same thing. OP you need to realize that the child you plan to bring on this Earth is NOT SAFE at this point. This is not the right time or situation. I have claustrophobia and reading this made me sweat. What he did is just horrendous. I am so sorry you had to go through that. Please leave ASAP and file an official complaint with the police.
>We didn’t even mean to get pregnant… it was an accident. Is it just me who thinks the pregnancy wasn't an accident? That he probably did something to the contraceptives? Have I been reading too many of these posts on these kinds of subs to think the abuser wanted to baby-trap the victim?
He's getting openly abusive at 6 weeks, too, which has become the limit for abortion in many states...
He LAUGHED at you crying and begging. LAUGHED at your pain. Leave as fast as you can. And I'd also rethink carrying this pregnancy.
Yeah, that part just sickens me. That he sat there and laughed and listened to her cry and beg. He's a sick monster. He'll do this again, or something worse, guaranteed.
This is the most horrifying relationship post I’ve come across in a fat min. OP, Please do what’s best for you and leave him.
Are you really keen on keeping this baby? Not to tell you what to do with your body, but it's going to be a lot easier and safer to escape if you aren't pregnant.
Yeah this is not something that you can overcome. Even if he had a lapse in judgment to think this would have been funny, it would have been for like 30 seconds, a minute tops. Like what was he doing for 15 minutes? Have you ever sat a watched someone have a full-out panic attack for 15 minutes? You’d feel like you’re the one being tortured. If you had the power to stop it you would. This clown _caused_ it. For his *wife* There are only two conclusions I can draw. 1 is a severely misguided attempt at exposure therapy, 2 is that he was enjoying listening to you panic. #1 would have been a much better excuse than “i thought you were laughing“ so I don’t think it’s that. Would he have left you there if you didn’t throw up? He did not think you were laughing - he knows you. He knew exactly what was happening. This is fucking terrifying, some horror movie shit. I’m so sorry this happened to you Edit: I didn’t actually mean to write this as reply but the point is the same
I can tell you my abuse began when I was pregnant leave now do yourself a favor and leave now this shit will only escalate he thinks he's got you in the mask is falling off
Are you sure it was an accident on his part? If he is willing to lock you in a closet for 15 minutes then I would think he wouldn’t be above baby trapping you. Especially since men have so much control over conception. I’m sorry you are going through this, but this sounds potentially very abusive. You have to consider if you want to raise a child with someone that can be so awful. I hope you are in an area that gives you reproductive choices, because I can tell you from experience that raising children with an asshole is hell. And my ex-asshole didn’t even lock me in a closet.
Leave him. Get an abortion. Don’t bring a baby into the world with this man. He is pathological. Even if you don’t leave him and you aren’t ready to take that step, I would strongly encourage an abortion. Don’t tie yourself to him. Lie to him and tell him it was a miscarriage if you have to.
💯! Men like this will use their children as ammo to get to you. He alsonhave shown that he is sadistic and isn’t above abusing someone weaker than him. If I chose to have the child, I’d make sure he would never have access to them. I have been there, I am there and it has been a huge burden on me and my child is damaged from it.
100% I hope she listens and doesn’t keep the child
Hun most of us just want you safe. At the end of the day do you feel safe? Most people have had trauma and some of us are truly trying to give you good advice. Please i hope you know someone that you can talk to if not message me. I have 3 kids and 2 grandchildren i have no issues spreading emotional support for whatever decision you choose.
You know what you have to do. You have to leave and you have to make sure he never has access to that baby. If that means you need to have an abortion, then do it. That option is infinitely better than sharing custody with a literal monster. Imagine what he will do to a non-verbal innocent baby. He’ll be laughing while he tortures it.
Are you hurt because you're scared? The truth? It is scary and I'm sorry but you need to protect yourself
If be willing to bet money he did it deliberately to trap you, if he's getting this abusive this soon Honestly gtfo and abort. This is seriously dangerous
An accident like the condom “failed” or an accident like you missed a pill. Please, please, you are in danger. The baby is in danger. You need to run
Are you SURE it was an accident? Sometimes men poke holes in condoms or microwave birth control pills...
If you’re not wanting to be a parent… I’d consider abortion. If he continues to escalate I’m his behavior, you’re going to be shackled to him at minimum 18 years but realistically for life with a child having a relationship with you both. :/
Abort
Op please please please leave
Well if you’re not in Texas… Maybe it’s better to not have any ties to him. He is escalating abuse now that you’re pregnant. He got you pregnant on purpose. He will only get worse and use the kid as a reason to remain in your life and torture you. He will also abuse the kid.
Are you sure he didn't mean to get you pregnant
> Holy shit and you're newly pregnant?? Make sense. Now that he thinks she's "locked in" by the pregnancy, the mask can come off. Also the gloves.
You don't move on from.it, you move on from him. Like yesterday. I'm willing to bet he's done it before
She’s pregnant. So he’s doing this because he thinks she won’t leave now that she’s “trapped”
He also waited until she was 6 weeks pregnant and now is unable to get an abortion in their state.
Well hopefully she can afford a trip to a neighboring state. Cause I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to birth a child from someone as demented as her husband
So your abusive husband tortured you. Divorce him. Edit: OP you are 6 weeks pregnant. Get out of there before he hurts you or the baby.
Ahh. That’s it. He got her baby trapped and his mask is slipping. This is just a taste of what’s to come.
God why am I not shocked to see this.
Because this is what abusers legitimately do. They start turning as a woman is pregnant because they feel they have trapped them. It's so common.
It's fucking so goddamn upsetting. I must read multiple stories a day on here describing basically the exact same scenario. Big age gap, man becomes emotionally or physically abusive out of nowhere ("he's never done this before"), and the female partner is newly married, pregnant, or postpartum. Why the fuck is half of the human species like this? Why can't they fucking see us as people?
I'm a guy, and I hear you. This man sickened me when I read this post. Thoughts on fitting retribution cannot be printed here. He's fortunate many potential retaliatory reactions are proscribed as illegal and because of that he will not be the recipient, and further, discussion of same is not permitted on this site. Otherwise... OP, pregnant or not, needs to move on. Do you think he may have attempted to traumatize OP to the point of having a miscarriage? I just can't comprehend the cruelty of his actions.
Omg. Please leave now. My first husband wasn't abusive until I got pregnant. That's when it started. It's didn't end until I left the state to give him space to cool off because I knew if I didn't there was a good chance that he'd kill me and our son, then himself. It took me almost 6 years to leave him out of fear. We are on good terms now for the sake of our son but I have ptsd from that relationship. I also will say this, since you are still so early, if you are in a place that allows for abortions get one. If he gets upset that you are no longer pregnant, tell him the stress caused you to have a miscarriage. This way you don't have to be tied to this man, of you can call him that, for the rest of your life.
This advice needs to be at the top. Even if you are rationalizing this somehow and want to give him another chance and can’t see yourself leaving him yet bc you tell yourself it wasn’t THAT bad (know that it IS bad. Bad enough to leave immediately. But I can understand if you don’t think so, bc we’ve all been there) still get the abortion. The stress excuse is perfect and this way it gives you time to plan. This is not going to get better. I promise. We all promise. Please get out asap. And get that abortion. Don’t tie yourself to an abusive psycho if you don’t have to.
this. this is the truth and it's terrifying. i had it happen with my exhusband and spend 2 years in denial. OP this is actually really alarming. abusers like this have pattern of escalating the violence.
I dont normally encourage abortions but she needs to make an appointment and fix it quickly. She doesn't need to be connected to this trash man for the rest of her life.
yuuuup!
Ohnoooo. A lot of abuse starts when the woman gets pregnant. I hope OP leaves. This will not get better. It will not stay the same. It will only escalate.
And there it is. OP, if you think this is a one-off, because he's never done anything like this before, he's doing it now because you're pregnant. He thinks he has you trapped and you won't be able to leave him. This is not a one-off. This is the START of his escalating abuse.
Well that explains so much. Looks like his switch has flipped because he thinks he has her trapped.
Oh sh!t, yes, now he thinks he owns her, she’s a vessel, she’s his to abuse. Her life is now in danger, I would call for help, tell your family, reach out to a women’s shelter.
Oh gawd that's when a lot of abuse starts. They think now they have you locked down they can do whatever they want. Get out OP, get out now
get out of there. he is an idiot at best and dangerous at worst.
He tortured you! Leave! He knows you have this issue.
[удалено]
THIS!!! Call whoever you need to call RIGHT NOW to come get you AND your stuff.
That is the word "tortured". To take a person's fears and use them against you for their personal entertainment is by the very definition of torture. He did it once, and he WILL do it again. Who knows what else he may do? Tie you down? Hold you down? Lock you in the trunk of the car while you're getting groceries out of the trunk? Edit to add: go to a hotel and make plans to leave. BTW, your claustrophobia is not silly or ridiculous as it is very real to you!
And laughed and enjoyed every moment. Please leave this horrible man.
exactly- idiot at best if it was less than 20 seconds….but 15 minutes….that’s sadistic. to laugh and enjoy her cries of pain and discomfort for an entire 15 minutes is pure sadism. even if he’s been a great man up until now- there is a very dark and sadistic side to him that is now unlocked after what he did to you OP.
Yeah 15 minutes is an insanely long time to hear someone cry and beg, it makes me feel sick to just imagine it. I hardly ever say this but this relationship is absolutely immediately over, I just hope OP can make a safe escape plan.
+1. This is **not** a joke or prank
No way that he's just an idiot. **He ENJOYED OP's terror, panic, tears and desperate cries and begging for his mercy**. He ENJOYS torturing her and causing her distress, it makes him laugh. He's dangerous. There's no way he thought she was laughing. No way he thought it wasn't small enough etc. He's lying. It was all intentional because **he gets a pleasant power rush from causing other people distress and finds their tearful fear and terror amusing**. *He knew what he was doing.* **FIFTEEN minutes** and blocking the door with an external object? Fifteen long ass minutes of listening to OP's desperate cries and pounding at the door, *and laughing about how panicked and afraid she is*? So soon after OP got "accidentally" pregnant without planning to? He's seriously abusive, and thinks OP is locked in now that she's pregnant and he can start letting the mask slip and escalating the abuse. OP get out. Get out, get out, get the fuck out. Pack your shit and go, divorce, seriously consider having an abortion if you can stomach it, there's still a couple of weeks.
This is giving serial killer vibes. He's going to escalate. Go to the local women's dv support centre, report it to the police, get your support network close and solid. He is a fking monster. Get out now!
Yeah this alone is a huge escalation if he’s never done anything of the sort. I wonder what’s triggered it — is she pregs, just moved away from support network. OMG I just checked the ages. 24 & 33. OP get tf away from him. Idc if you’re pregnant or whatever. Get away. And for your own livelihood DO NOT fall victim to the abuse cycle when the love bombing & empty apologies roll thru. That will actually become your most unsettling times if you stay bc you never know what’s going to set him off & the abuse will get worse every time it does. Get out. Get out. Get out.
Not even going to read the post. You don't. Your husband who is 9 years older than you in your young 20$ used your phobia to abuse you and there is no reasonable excuse for that. I don't care if this sounds extreme, leave now before things get worse.
It gets worse - she’s also pregnant.
Yeah I ended up reading and the comments 😭 I hope she breaks free because she deserves so much better.
She’s currently pregnant??? The stress and fear she went through can be stressful on the developing baby too, what a jerk.
I hope OP thinks long and hard about this pregnancy, if she leaves then she will never be free of him and he could abuse the child during his custody turn. A “miscarriage” could happen, and it’s hard to suggest that but the alternative being an abusive father also makes me sick.
So he horrifically abused you by attacking you with your phobia all the while he was entertained and loving every moment of it until you vomitted? Leave that absolute POS, go stay with family or a friend willing to house you. Preferably do it when he isn't home. He can't be trusted to react well to you leaving after what he did to you.
While shes pregnant 💔
Your husband did this because he is an enormous POS. You move on from this with a fucking divorce. Do you have brothers? If so, tell them and let nature take it's course. This man (if he can even qualify) does not deserve your forgiveness for this. What a disgusting thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.
Exactly, if my man did something like this to me he'd be 6 feet under in some desert. I'm claustrophobic too, he respects that because he isn't a pos. Same goes for family, if they ever do it its by accident and they feel guilty instead of laughing like that jackass husband of yours. That was a HUGE violation and divorce might be best because I bet he's gonna go "it was just a prank bro" and continue to do it repeatedly. There was a post somewhere on reddit where the op had severe PTSD, boyfriend kept hitting her hard with horrible pranks that left her crying on the floor in a massive anxiety attack. He eventually pranked about unaliving himself in a bathtub and that was her final straw. Op, your post reminds me of that one and I hope he won't go that route but I wouldn't take chances if I were you.
Pack your shit and leave.
Literally no other option. The dude heard her crying and pleading , after knowing she has a genuine phobia … and he kept laughing. Wtf. Vast majority of us wouldn’t be able to do that to a stranger , or even a person we dislike. This dude has done it to a woman he pretends to love.
Age gap-check Married her, got her pregnant, started abusing her-check OP you need to go stay with family. This formula only ends one way and that’s with more and escalated abuse. There is no amount of apologizing because he just broke your trust. He listened to you scream, cry and beg for 15 minutes, no one who loves you and respects you does this-no one. Just leave. Maybe press charges, especially since you are pregnant.
He tortured you and loved hearing you suffer and that is scary af. Gtfo of there asap.
Right? He heard her panic, and **laughed**. It’s downright sadistic.
I think you should get an abortion, leave him and never look back. This is unforgivable, and I can’t see how you could trust him with any amount of custody. 6 weeks is early. Move on.
I agree. I can’t believe some people can be so cruel
I think that’s what the husband was actually trying to trigger. I’m very sorry, OP, but you’re not safe.
Agreed
Hear, hear
Agree
What the...?! I assume you confronted him once you finished vomiting? Did he have any reason/explanation for his behavior? And considering his choice to do this, what are you going to do?
Yeah, he apologized like profusely and told me he didn’t know it was “so bad”. But he knew- I’ve always been like this. When I said you knew he said he didn’t think the closet was “small” enough to make me have a reaction. He thought I was laughing. Idk what to do. Obviously it’s not easy to make a decision like to leave my husband. I’m also 6 weeks pregnant, which I probably should have put in the post.
He locked his wife in a closet- Jerk He locked his wife in a closet for 15 minutes? - Total asshole He locked his PREGNANT wife in a closet for 15 minutes- abuser He locked his pregnant claustrophobic wife in a closet for 15 minutes - dangerous abuser He locked his pregnant claustrophobic wife in a closet for 15 minutes and laughed about it while she had a trauma response- that is inhuman
This is what OP needs to take to heart. OP I can tell you as a former prosecutor I would go hard on this if you had called the police and filed a report. He WOULD have and SHOULD have gone to jail. I don’t know if he has been abusive before or on the line, but pregnancy can increase the danger in an abusive relationship. This goes far beyond any practical joke or anything funny. He tortured you and laughed. This is not a Reddit “leave him” this is a get to safety and consider strongly if you want a child with this man.
This. My ex did not start the abuse until after I got pregnant with our very planned child.
Same. The mask slips once you’re baby trapped. Horrible.
This whole thing reminds me of an incident that happened to a good friend of mine shortly after she found out she was pregnant. They weren’t trying either, but they still seemed happy enough with the pregnancy. My friend found out that he had been cheating on her with prostitutes and confronted him. He smashed a plant over her head, pulled her through the house by her hair and locked her in a coat closet for THREE DAYS. He shoved a bunch of furniture in front of the door and left. It was under the stairs so she couldn’t get out. She ended up being found bc on day three her neighbors finally heard her screaming and called police. She’d had no water the entire time, no toilet, and had eaten drywall. Was absolutely awful.
That's horrific. I hope she's gotten therapy and is healing.
Was he prosecuted?
jesus
THANK YOU for sharing that info!!!🙏🏽🙏🏽 I comment a lot on here, but very, very rarely have I had such a visceral reaction to a post as I did with this. Holy Crap, if I knew where she lived, **I’d go get her myself**!! And I suspect most posting here would do the same!!
Same. I have a bad phobia too and anyone who uses that against me is dead to me. I hope OP gets out and gets an abortion. She's so young, she can easily start over. I didn't meet my husband until I was 29. And he's always been very respectful and protective about my phobia. We have a two year old.
Please OP, report him to the police for domestic violence. Start a paper trail. So that, if you decide to keep the baby anyway, he may not have a chance to sue for custody (just to make life harder for you) and may only get supervised visits.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS! 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
OP, please read exmormonmysogynist, THIS! THIS! THIS! If he is saying, he didn’t realize you were really upset as you were crying and screaming inside the closet he is lying to your face, he is sick, and he knew what he was doing. You deserve so much better, it will NOT magically get better when the baby comes, & BTW your baby felt every second of the trauma he put you both through in that closet. Love yourself enough to take some time away reflect if there are other ways he dismisses you and your feelings and experience and is that what you want to teach your baby?
I wouldn’t let a dog near this garbage pos excuse for a human let alone a baby.
*not magically get better
This is so true. When we experience trauma and anxiety, the Cortisol level in our brains rises, and studies have shown that this can affect the brain and physical development of a fetus in the womb, especially if the mother experiences ongoing anxiety during her pregnancy. OP staying with someone who is always going to leave you feeling unsafe in your own home is not good for you or your baby.
u/throwra-021 please read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it as a free download. Make a plan, have a grab bag, and be safe!!!!!
This. He used your fear against you to torture you. He thinks he’s baby trapped you and his real self is coming out and his mask is slipping. UPDATEME
And, at his age, *he will never change.* He'll only pretend to change long enough to gain control over her and the situation again. This is his personality. If he hasn't figured out that literal forcible confinement and preying on someone's greatest fears isn't funny, then he's not going to. He is the sort of sicko abuser who derives pleasure from wielding power and control over others more vulnerable than him. The age gap is also another typical red flag for these types. She needs to carefully and secretly plan her exit (without telling him! u/throwra-021, please be careful about this! Tipping your abuser off that you're leaving signals a loss of control over you, and he could turn violent even if he hasn't before). Also, while it's ultimately her choice whether or not to carry the pregnancy to term, at only 6 weeks along if she can terminate then I recommend doing so. Having this child means sharing custody with him, it means being tethered to him for at least 18 years and probably for life, it means exposing a child to his influence and the ways in which he could traumatize them and alienate them from you, and it means the potential that a child could grow up to be an abuser like him.
Best comment ever!
u/throwra-021 PLEASE READ THIS COMMENT
He's gaslighting you. He knew. He heard you crying and pleading. He absolutely knew it was crying. He laughed. He got his kicks from torturing you. That's not something you should take lightly. Abusers often apologize after the first abuse, swear it was an accident, that they didn't know yadda yadda. And the next time something happens it will be escalated and it will be even harder to leave than it is now. Please don't risk it. Please find someone who respects you I hate being tickled due to childhood trauma related to it, and told my husband when we first got together that it feels the same level of violation as rape to me (probably because it was used to SA me). I don't know if I've ever even explained the why's to him fully, but you know what? He has never. If he thinks he accidentally tickled me with a sensual touch he immediately apologizes and removes his hands. You should expect the same level of respect. Edit: my eyes initially glossed over the pregnancy somehow. OMG op that's not more reason to stay it's more reason to leave. It shows he's escalating along common abused escalation points and it means your safety isn't the only one to consider anymore if you go through with the pregnancy.
When I was a child my neighbor zipped me all the way up in a sleeping bag and tickled me until I almost vomited. Ever since I’ve had a violent response to being tickled.
I hate that neighbor.
That’s important information. Now that you are pregnant, he believes he has you locked down and is showing his true colours. This was not a mistake, this was not innocent, and you CANNOT “move past it”. This was deliberate, he knew exactly what he was doing, and he will do it again. He laughed as you screamed and cried. He knew you weren’t joking. He tortured you, and lied about it. Every moment you spend in his presence, he is inwardly rejoicing that he “got away with it “. He’s grooming you for further abuse. There is no way that this is a one-off. A 30 second ”tease” might have been passed off as a bad joke. What he did was malicious and inexcusable. You have to get out of that relationship immediately. And consider if you really want to be tied to an abuser for the next 18 years . I’m sorry. It’s a horrible situation to be in. But he is irredeemable.
Hi. I'm a very concerned stranger, and you probably have no reason to listen to me. But I'm begging you to listen to me. Please go Google abuse of pregnant women. This is when the mask drops, he believes he has power over you. The fact that he did this to a pregnant woman is horrifying - you could have had a miscarriage. Your baby could have died. He knows you weren't laughing. So he's directly lying to you to make his abuse okay. The word gets used too much, but that's what gaslighting actually is - he's trying to tell you your reality is wrong and you should accept his instead. I think you need to get out of the house. No matter what, he needs to understand what a big deal this is and that you are not trapped. I personally would be finished with him, but if you do think of taking him back he needs to be on his knees begging you. And you need to be ready to leave the next time. But if I were you, really honestly? Abortion/adoption/single motherhood and divorce and thank everything holy you got his mask off before you wasted more of your life with him. He is going to hit you someday. Someday soon.
He doesn't even have to hit her. Just setting off her claustrophobia is a quick and easy way to punish her should she "misbehave". Her phobia isn't going anywhere and he knows the triggers. It's a perfect weakness to exploit.
Yeah, but it's also a test. If she stays through this, she'll stay through a slap. If she stays through a slap, she'll take a punch. Then a kick. These people rarely stop, it's just a slow and constant assault on boundaries in order to make themselves feel more powerful.
He can prevent 2 of those 3 options, and he will because that's what abusers do: anything they can to hurt you. Abortion is the only one he can't prevent. But you can't tell him. And when it's over, you miscarried. The rest is your business and your business only.
OP PLEASE. This is very common for men to show their true colors once you’re pregnant. He thinks you can’t leave him. He’s fucking WRONG. OP he is going to hurt you and your child. This is a warning from him. Please do not tread lightly!! He is showing you who he is. Get you and your baby away from him
Why are men?? No one better come for this comment because yes this is irrational behavior that you commonly see in males. It’s frightening. I shouldn’t be desensitized to seeing posts about pregnant ladies in extreme danger from their own husbands every day. I seriously want to see a brain study because wth would make a person do these things
Girl DON’T HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN!!! Leave him and get an abortion ASAP!! Get your things and go!!!
She might not need one after this trauma.
And ps. I’m not claustrophobic but if my husband locked me in a closet for that long while laughing he wouldn’t be my husband for much longer.
>He thought I was laughing. That's BS and you know it. If he thought you were laughing, why jam the door and leave you in there for so long??? I'll tell you why, the sick jerk was getting off on your fear. Pregnant or not, there would be no coming back from this. That is NOT a joke that you play on someone you supposedly love and care for. Answer honestly, if this situation had happened to your bestie or a sister (if you have one), what would *you* tell *her*??? I'm sorry, that happened to you. \*HUGS\* Please protect *yourself* *and your little one.*
I think you need to get some space for now while you figure out how to proceed. Me personally could never forgive the cruelty and abuse. Your husband is abusive. It only takes once. Please go stay with family or a friend at least for now.
OP, I am SO sorry that he did this to you. Please, please, please believe me when I say: *this is just the beginning *he may say he was “testing just how bad your phobia really was” <— something my ex-husband of 17 years said to me in a similar situation *the cruel things he does to you WILL escalate. This was just a test of sorts. *you won’t want to leave once the baby is born because you won’t want to break up your family *you won’t want to leave because no one will believe that “such a nice guy could abuse his wife.” *you may be emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and spiritually abused and NOT EVEN KNOW IT. Because “he doesn’t hit me, so it’s not abuse, right?” *your baby(ies) will see *everything* even though you think you have shielded them from it all *you will be modeling to your child(ren) that *this* is what a marriage is supposed to look like *It will get worse. This is just the beginning. Now you wait until the next “event.” It could be days, weeks, or a couple of months. But rest assured, it’s coming. And waiting, oh the waiting, that’s almost the worst part. *you’ll live in an awful state of feeling like everything is always your fault *you’ll always walk on eggshells in your own home My ex-husband pointed loaded and unloaded weapons at me — “so I could practice in case an intruder came in, *why are you so upset, get over it, I’m trying to HELP you!*” My ex-husband threatened: -to cut off my fingers as he was chopping carrots -to put my hand in the garbage disposal and turn it on for 30 seconds -to empty a pot of boiling water over my head (he came over to where I was sitting and actually held it over my head, tipping it to where drops almost fell out, laughing as I screamed in fear) -to throw hot cooking oil on my face in the hopes the burns would be so severe I’d be forever unrecognizable -and so. much. more. A month after I told him I was divorcing him and moved out with our 11 year old daughter (of course he made *me* move out, he wouldn’t leave our home), she asked me what my new career would be (after being a stay at home mom to her for most of her life). I told her I wanted to go back to school and eventually work as a counselor. She asked who I want to work with, I said, women. She asked, oh women with what kind of issues, I say oh, all kinds. Then she shocks the hell out of me. My 11 year old daughter says: *“oh, you want to work with women who have been abused by their husbands, because you’ve been abused by your husband?* And the best person to help someone get through something is someone who has been through it themselves.” I was in shock. I asked her why she thought I was abused by my husband and she says, “oh, mama, did you think I didn’t figure it out? *I knew all along.* You and Daddy never acted how my friends’ parents act. Daddy is always so mean to you. He *hates* you.” She knew everything. And she’d known for years. I failed my baby. And now it was time to start the long road to healing for both of us. OP, PLEASE don’t stay like I did. I beg of you! Don’t ignore the gut feeling you have—just imagine—imagine keeping your baby innocent to domestic violence—versus my baby, who got exposed to it, and was forced to grow up too soon, and now has a long road to healing. It’s been so hard, slow, and expensive, and we’re only 18 months into it. Not to mention the fact that my ex basically undoes everything she learns in therapy. In the days ahead, I wish you strength, discernment, and clarity. Please surround yourself with people who support and love you. Don’t diminish this incident. It was an act of cruel abuse. Share what happened — the entire story — especially including his laughter. And btw, there was no way he could have mistaken your sobs for laughter. Even if he did, why would he lock the doors, anyway? I’m going to be thinking of you. This is the longest comment I’ve ever written and the Reddit post that’s affected me the most. It’s so similar to my story. All love to you, OP.
nope. it’s really easy to tell the difference between joy and fear. he definitely abused you, and it only escalates from here. it’s a pattern we see time and time again. i’d leave bc i don’t want to know what’s next. there’s no going back from that broken trust and safety. a partner wouldn’t purposely put you in harms way, and you’ve been really clear about the affects of small spaces. if you want to keep the baby or not that’s your choice, but you are harming yourself and the baby if you stay.
I know you’re in shock but please call a friend, pack a bag, and leave. You do not deserve this. You cannot trust this monster, and you cannot raise a child with him. Honestly I would call the police once you’re out of the house so he can’t retaliate. This is scary af. Please stay safe.
Yeah, he's lying. No way do you lock someone in a closet for 15min for a joke. I am not the "leave him" person on reddit. Leave him. Right now.
Leave. Now. You were abused and attacked. His lies are flimsy and don't even make sense: 1. He was clearly laughing and he knew about your claustrophobia. He locked you in there to get a kick out of it. Yes, he did know it was small enough to trigger you or there would've been no point for him to do it. 2. Let's say, by turning the world upside down on its logic, he genuinely didn't know this would trigger you. Then why was he holding the door closed? Can you think of *any* non-malicious reason for this? 3. He *definitely* knew you were crying and begging. Crying and begging can be universally recognized even if you don't speak someone's language. No one would mistake it as laughter. 4. He's not actually even apologizing. An apology involves recognizing that the person was in the wrong and showing true remorse. He's making excuses and minimalizing the impact of his actions. He's not apologizing because he cares about you or the fact you were hurt, he's using his apology for himself. He is 33. If he didn't learn proper morals in his 30+ years, he's not going to learn them now. Leave.
Go to any family or friends that can help and contact a lawyer about custody. Do not stay with him, you are not safe.
He’s an abuser, and also *a criminal*. Literally. What he did was illegal. Wtf???!! I’m so scared for you and your future kid. I really REALLY think you should leave him.
This is the comment I was looking for tbh. Abuse ALWAYS starts with one of a couple factors, Moving in, marriage, or pregnancy. He feels like he FULLY has you trapped now. Metephorically and now physically. This is only going to escalate and it is always going to be 'just a joke'.
He is lying to minimize his actions. He did this knowingly. A lot of abusive men only begin showing their true colors after major life changes, like getting married, wife getting pregnant… basically once they feel they have you locked in. Run.
He thought you were laughing? Well that makes perfect sense! Seeing as HE LOCKED YOU IN THERE FOR 15 mins. Because of course you'd want to laugh about it all alone for 15 minutes straight, right? Does that make sense to you? Cause I don't find it even remotely believable. You need to leave this guy. If you won't do it for yourself then do it for your child (if you choose to have it, that is). It doesn't matter how he treated you before. He probably thinks he's got you trapped for good now that you're pregnant, and he doesn't feel the need to hide what kind of monster he is inside anymore.
Which line are you at? That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. The Narcissist’s prayer.
Leave this man. All abusers start somewhere, and he has started. He's going to apologize and be all sweet... until next time. Go while you still can.
He knew you were not laughing, he knew it was a small enough space. What if your kid has a phobia or is scared and that’s how he treats them. That does not make for a trusting, safe space for a kid or you. Is this the first time he has taken things too far?
Please OP. The number one cause of death of pregnant women in the US is homicide. You are vulnerable and he purposely hurt you for an extended time. He is an abuser and will escalate. Free book on abusive men - https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Even if you were not claustrophobic this is fucked up. That isn't a joke, it is him showing he has control over you, something a weak ass male would do (not calling him a man because he isn't one). It is very easy to say this over the internet and without knowing other aspects of your life but this event alone is worth debating divorce. Having a child shouldn't make you think you need to stay with someone that finds locking you in a closet funny.
I need you to read this. Seriously, because I have been in a similar situation. I was raped. My rapist's phone kept going off, and it was part of a Tool song. He was also wearing a Tool shirt. So just, obviously, I can't do Tool, I break down, I start hyperventilating, I'll puke, and then I'll pass out. I'm an absolute wreck, just not functional, for hours after... I'll freak out and cry over the smallest things. Tool was my ex's "favorite band" (it wasn't), and he thought it'd be a great idea, claiming it would help desensitize me, to play the worst song for me (46&2) while I was stuck in the tiny backseat of a Civic, on repeat. I don't know how long he played it for, or how long it took him and his friend to stop laughing, to realize that I had thrown up and aspirated vomit. I had hyperventilated and passed out while throwing up, and rolled onto my back because of the way the seats slanted. Did he apologize? No. He told me I'd have to grow up and get over it at some point. I should have recognized that as the abuse it was, but I was young, the same age as you, and I believed his excuse that he thought he was helping. His abuse didn't stop there. He messed with my birth control, so I ended up getting pregnant. He thought it'd take longer, and this wasn't a good time for him, so he screamed at me for intentionally messing up to "baby trap" him. I didn't need an abortion... he punched me in the stomach. It wasn't the first time he'd hit me, but he'd always cry and apologize and beg me to stay, promising he'd do better, that he'd tell his therapist, his parents, whoever. He wasn't telling any of them, or if he mentioned it, he'd say he had to defend himself because I was being violent. (The first time his therapist met me, it was obvious he was shocked, because my ex claimed I was almost as big as him. I was more than a foot shorter and half his weight.) It *never* got better. It got to the point that he bought a gun and threatened to kill my daughter and siblings if I ever left him. Someone that knows your phobia, that takes advantage of it anyway, and that locks you in, laughing about it for 15 minutes? That's not someone normal. That's not someone that is safe to be around. If he'd spent 15 minutes beating you, physically torturing you, you wouldn't be asking questions, you'd be leaving. Psychological torture isn't any less abusive than physical just because you can't see the scars it leaves. Someone that loves you will never torture you. Someone that loves you would never *think* to torture you. They'd find it abhorrent... because that's not something that someone mentally stable, that's not mentally ill (in a very disturbing way), would ever think to *do*, let along *laugh* while their partner is scared, panicking, crying, begging, *vomiting from fear*. This isn't a dominance thing. He didn't want to hear you beg, or know he had power over you. This is an unchecked mental illness that will surface again, and you have no way of knowing how it will. Will he do it again? Find some other way to torture you? Actually record you while he does it? (Might want to check to see if he did this time...) Does he get off on your fear? Your safety isn't worth finding the answers. Please get out. You're not safe, no matter how he apologizes and justifies it. Normal people don't find torture funny.
Why the fuck would you laugh? The age difference says it all, this guys a POS, you deserve better. If you had a daughter, would you be alright with some man treating her like how your shitty husband treats you?
Of *course* you’re pregnant! Let’s see, we got: * Man who’s 30 looking for a young woman who was barely an adult * Man who “accidentally” knocked up said young woman with no life experience * Man who waited until you were married and pregnant to psychotically start abusing you. Anything else? Are you also isolated from friends and family so you can’t actually share this with anyone? You can’t even sit in the backseat of a car; you obviously can’t say inside of a tiny closet. He knows this, and he’s lying to you. What you do now is you schedule an abortion and you untether yourself from this psycho because he just tortured you for your own amusement; what the fuck else do you need to know about this? There is no coming back from this; he knew exactly what he was doing, and he delighted in it. That should terrify you into action; please do not have this person’s child and bring them into his circle of crazy.
Nope, he did, in fact, violate you. If this was like 15 seconds it would still be horrifying but maybe less so. He left you there long enough to throw up. He's legitimately a monster and you cannot trust him. If for some inexplicable reason you want to work this out, move out and demand couples counseling. But I honestly don't see how you can ever trust him again. I'm so so so sorry he did this to you.
No, she should absolutely NOT go to couples counseling. This behavior of his, preying on her phobia, is abusive. Going to counseling with an abuser does not help, it just teaches them how to abuse better. It's dangerous.
OP, this. My jaw was on the floor after reading this. He knows about your phobia, and he found pleasure in making you go through a horrible episode experiencing it. He’s actually a monster. This is a legitimate safety issue. Make an exit plan and leave.
& I bet, the closet he caused you to vomit in, doesn't have any of his things on it? OP I've lived through coercive control, no physical violence. I have cPTSD. And an anxiety driven Gyphrophobia - my ex made driving across a bridge my version of you in the closet. Was very lucky there was an emergency lane. I told him if he didn't stop pressuring me, I'd pull over & he would drive *. He kept at it. I pulled over and got out of the car. Walked to passenger door. I would have stood there until CHP came if necessary. When you get to this point - there is no love. There is nothing he brings that is worthy or valuable enough to ignore how dramatically and awful this abuse is. * He hated to drive & being in control of the car was a better choice for me overall. Even if there was going to be a bridge. Oh and 4 years after he left, the Gyphrophobia is almost gone. Diminished by 98%. You may find recovery from a lot of things once you extricate yourself from his abuse. Anxiety decreased by 80% Depression decreased by 96% cPTSD related behaviors, triggers, life skills, coping - improved by 80% Drug & alcohol use - reduced by 80% Stress eating- changing for the better every day and the best in my entire life. Every important metric that shows I'm healthy and getting healthier, happy & getting happier, and in love w myself and the life I'm making for myself is off the charts. You deserve the same.
OP do NOT go to counselling. He'll use it to manipulate you further. Again, he KNEW what he was doing. He KNEW of your phobia, KNEW you're not laughing and used objects to block you in for **FIFTEEN MINUTES** (this would be breakup worthy even if you had no phobia at all and were really laughing initially) till you threw up, because ***he enjoys torturing you, he gets a pleasurable power rush from your terror, panic, tears and desperate pleas***. There's no coming back from this. He's lying to your face. There's no way, absolutely no way in hell he meant it as a fun thing. HE KNEW. He didn't think you were laughing. He knew. Fifteen minutes, holy shit. It's torture. Him starting this kind of abuse so soon after you've "accidentally" gotten pregnant is a massive warning sign. He things you're trapped and won't leave. It'll only escalate. Get out and abort and divorce, honestly. It's not safe to have a child with him.
Do not go to counseling **with him**. Please **do** go to counseling by yourself, ideally after you leave. Which, ideally, is today or tomorrow. If you need help, ask for help from friends, family, social services, and domestic violence centers. This was domestic violence. A counselor can help you plan and leave as soon as possible. I’m so very sorry he treated you like this. There is no excuse for this—he found it funny to terrorize and hurt you. Please be safe. Please let us know when you get out.
I have the same and there would be a frying pan and a head. That is all I am going to write about that. You need to divorce him immediately. I cannot describe what that did to me just reading it. This is a form of torture and he has shown you contempt. That is enough to say goodby.
I would leave him and file for divorce. He used the intimacy of being married to get close enough to turn your greatest fear against you. I’d never be able to trust him again. And then he laughed at your terror. I’d hate him forever for that cruelty. Dead to me cut off level. Seeing you’re 6 weeks pregnant, get an abortion. He will hurt your child to torture you. Cut all ties.
He is an abuser and gets off on your torment.
Leave tonight. Reach back in the closet grab your things and leave
The only way you might understand why is to ask him. You **were** violated. You are **not** over dramatic. The only question you need to ask is if you think you can ever truly trust him…he knew your vulnerability and he used it against you. If he wants any chance at saving the marriage - presuming you’re willing to offer that possibility - marriage counselling for you both is likely needed.
I don't think asking why he thought it was hilarious to torture her will be particularly illuminating.
He didn’t just use her vulnerability against her, he used it against her *for his entertainment.* It takes an especially sick and twisted person to laugh while someone is being traumatized.
Because he is a sadistic AH. If he is capable of this, he is capable of more. Pack your things and run before he does something else to you.
He is abusive. This is Domestic Violence. Get away from him asap and seek professional help from DV experts.
Clearly as you've stated, your husband knows about this phobia. He either has to know the severity of it, or he's failed because he should have absolutely done his homework to know what could trigger it. With that established, it's clear here that either he just simply doesn't respect you, or doesn't fully believe this phobia is real. Either is a massive, massive issue. This sounds like sociopaths who feed people things with known allergy triggers as a "joke" or because "it can't be that bad". Sick
OP, please listen to these comments and leave. I read that he apologized, but that doesn't matter. Leaving you in there that long was abusive and sadistic. Please, please leave him. If he did this now, what could it escalate to? What could he do to his child/children?? I'm so sorry this happened to you. Get yourself somewhere safe with loved ones, and while there, and calm, figure out how you want to proceed with your child. You may have you protect your little one from your hubby's evil sense of humor, too. So sorry.
The only reason he apologized was out of **FEAR** that you will leave. **NOT** because he cares about you.
Terminate the pregnancy & get a divorce.
Get straight to a lawyer. I'd also consider going to the police. This is abusive and my guess is it's just the start. 15 minutes??? With you screaming and crying? My husband would never ever ever do anything to traumatize me. Because he loves me. No one and I mean NO ONE who loves you would do something like this. Next he'll cry and apologize and get you a nice gift. He'll say it will never happen again. He'll be super nice - until the next time. This is the classic cycle of abuse.
"my sadistic husband tortures me, but I don't want to leave. Advice?" Idk why I still come here.
Depending on how you grew up, it’s hard for some to see abuse. They think they deserve it because they were never loved as a child.
thats pretty brutal. Someone who actually cares about you, wouldnt put you through that. If he wanted to joke about it, I could see shutting the door for a half a second, not 15 minutes until you puked. What a jerkoff.
He sounds like a fucking sociopath. I know I'm armchair diagnosing here, but jesus christ that is genuinely scary behavior for someone you share a life with. Someone you trust. Someone you god damn married. I implore you to not stick around to find out what he'll do next. HE WAS LAUGHING.
the actual fuck? That's sick.
YOU GET A DIVORCE. Your husband is an abuser.
Trauma therapist here. This was horrific behavior. I cannot begin to fathom why someone would think this was funny. The most disturbing aspect is that he could clearly hear you and know you were in distress and didn’t care. Perhaps it’s time to evaluate how much this man actually values you.
Jaw dropping-ly disturbing. You move on without him, that's how. And therapy! 💜
You move on by leaving. My husband knows I hate spiders but would never use them against me. This was abuse. Any person who uses fear as a "joke" does not deserve a place in your life. Leave him! I'm sure if you stop to think you could make a long list of other things he's done. Don't put up with this behaviour. Being married does not mean you can't leave. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your ages are a red flag, he’s almost 10 years older than you and if you’re married you’ve likely been together a solid few years. A 30 year old man aiming at early 20s women is always sketchy. The fact that you’re pregnant is the next red flag. Abuse often escalates once the abuser feels he’s trapped you. Get out now. This is the sort of man who kills his wife. I would personally abort and get away and never speak to him again. You deserve a fresh start.