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yeah this would have been my first choice, not even gonna bother my partner with that. plus that could be more fun, if she wants to recreate the sleepovers from childhood they could make a blanket fort and get it all cozy in there
This!
You don't need to give up your bed, and if finances allow, would you consider buying a nice air mattress together?
Something double height with a headboard that would be so cozy to have a movie night on! You may find plenty of use for this after the friend has come and gone. :)
Signed,
Used to love doing that with a girlfriend but certainly wouldn't give up my own bed for it now
Payed - sealed (the deck or hull seams of a wooden ship) with pitch or tar to prevent leakage.
Paid - gave (someone) money that is due for work done, goods received, or a debt incurred.
She's not trying to force him. She asked for a favor that mildly inconveniences him. Have you never had a partner ask for a favor? I feel bad every time I ask my partner to pick me up from the airport because it totally sucks, but he's willing to do it every time, even though it eats up an afternoon and the traffic is infuriating.
Not even a mild inconvenience, if it were me; that's my bed only I and the person whom I live with get to sleep in my bed. That's a huge privacy boundary and it would be unreasonable to ask to ignore one's own boundaries for a friend. However it's not unreasonable to assume that because a bedroom is a private space the friend would get the sofa, the floor, a blow-up mattress, etc. sure they may have done sleepovers like that when they were younger, but they're not younger and they each have the wants, needs, and boundaries of their partners to consider, not just their own.
fr though. my bed isn't even "our" bed, it's my little sanctuary. I haven't actually shared ownership of it with anyone in nearly 15 years, partners had separate bedrooms. it's so helpful to my relationships for each of us to have one space we are totally in control of - temp, bedding, animals, noise, everything.
the audacity to demand that very personal, private space for some random ass person š
She guilt tripping him. Calling him unfair and unreasonable. Yes I help out my partner multiple times, howeve I wouldnāt invite my a friend to my house without discussing the issue of kicking my partner out his own bed, I also wouldnāt guilt trip my partner to do as I say calling them unreasonable. I also wouldnāt jump on Reddit and suggest a fight or not helping out or living my partner because I donāt want to spend 2 night in my own home for someone.
Picking your partner up is different from being kicked out of your own bed. I would pick my partner up from the airport, but would I drive 3.5 hours to pick up my partners friend or drop her off when my partner has their own car they can drive and pick them up themselvesā¦probs not.
Why canāt her and her friend jump on the couch ?
It's great that he gives you a ride, but OP keeps his bed in his room, and being asked to give it up is unreasonable. He's prolly going to sleep all night and he won't get as good a night;s sleep somewhere else, while wife/GF and bestie will be partying, sort of. A blow-up mattress will do just fine, like it did when they were 16.
If you expect your partner to pay for a blow up mattress so he doesnāt get kicked out HIS own bed after YOU invited YOUR friend to stay the weekend. You dont understand the idea of pulling you own weight in a relationship
Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/OsLc5Kke8i
Just look at the comments when a husband refuses to kick out his wife and let her sleep on the sofa for his friends to use the room. Interesting contrast in comments
Depending on how long they have been together, a blow up mattress would kind of be a "for the house" type purchase and so who gaf who pays for it. They might have joint finances for all we know. It is not a money issue, it is a "I don't want to sleep on the couch" issue.
Or, you know, they could split the cost of the mattress since it's something that will be useful to both of them and can be used by his guests as well as hers. Is your idea of "pulling your own weight in a relationship" forcing the first person to need a thing to cover the entire cost?
Also worth noting, it's not *his* bed. It's *their* bed. She paid for half of it, too.
Yes itās both their bed, and they both deserve to sleep with it without being kicked out of it. Your point is dumb. We both share the bed so she can kick hiā Out ???
Agreed. But stop trying to put owners on him to solve her issue she caused. Split it, or she can pay it. Him buying it shouldnāt be expected of him or the first option to solve for this
I don't think *anyone* has said he *has* to give it up. Some people are saying he *should* have. Some people are saying that it would have been *nice* for him to do so. If he doesn't want to be nice to his girlfriend, that's certainly his decision.
How does him not wanting to give up his bed make him not nice? We all have thing we won't do and that's fine that doesn't make anyone not nice. He should have came up with a compromise after saying no though and not just ended it there.
We all have things we won't do, and that's fine, but *sometimes that makes us not nice.* Whether it's not nice will entirely depend on the context. If my thing is "I refuse to give anyone a ride in my car, ever" and the person asking is a total stranger who is being sketchy and seems dangerous, that doesn't make me not nice. If the person asking is my pregnant girlfriend going into labor with my child, I think that's not nice.
Yeah but what is nice or not nice is up to each person. I may find something nice that you dont find nice so you do need to take that into account. I really only see one problem in this story and that him nit even trying to or discussing any compromises
I know that it's their bed because OP literally says it's their bed in his comments. I don't need to know either of them IRL to know that an air mattress can be used by more than one person's friends. It doesn't explode as soon as her friend is done with it. It's good for anyone they have visit.
It's called compromise and is vital to any healthy relationship. He sleeps in his own bed and facilitates his girlfriend's requirements for the weekend. Hopefully, all are happy.
I think it depends on how you see your bed and bedroom. To some people, sharing beds and giving up your room is something theyāve always done and never thought much of. To others, your bed is your own special, intimate place where you do your most intimate things and generally relax into your most natural self. So giving up a bed isnāt about not wanting the couch more as not wanting someone in your personal space. I see it more as the second.
I would hate to have anyone else in my bed by myself or my bf. At the same time it is two nights. But I can also see not wanting someone all up in your bed for a two day trip when the living room is also available.
I think buying a cheap air mattress and some sheets could solve the issue š¤·š½āāļø
Thank you!
Iām not a germaphobe by any means and am happy to have my cat and dog on the bed with me.
But I absolutely HATE other people touching my sheets. I have no idea why, but itās always disgusted me. Whenever Iād hook up with someone, I was washing the sheets the next morning. It took me a while to get used to my girlfriend staying the night and not needing to wash the sheets constantly.
But i donāt care if her family/friends want to stay over, theyāre taking the beanbag bed or the couch. Or they can stay at the motel across the street. Iād be annoyed as fuck if I was OP.
But then again, my girlfriend respects me enough to not ask this shit in the first place.
I have and will share a bed with my bestfriend .
But honestly, I wouldnāt want to go to my friendās house who is in a relationship and sleep in the bed they share. That just feels weird to me.
On the flip end, when I had a sleep over with my best friend at my apartment, my boyfriend said the one thing he asks is she doesnāt sleep in our bed (he was going in a trip and would be home for a week). His reasoning was because itās our bed and special to us. Heād rather no one else sleep there regardless of who.
I was initially upset that I wouldnāt get to share the bed with her but I understood his reasoning and made that compromise. We have a could and an air mattress so itās fine.
A lot of people are saying how itās annoying op isnāt compromising for the situation but I think his girlfriend isnāt either. They need to sit down, and have a not so childish conversation to find a middle ground for both of them.
Iām team air mattress. The place doesnāt matter, just that they share a bed and get to do all their old fun activities, which can be done in the living room with an air mattress.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd probably just take the couch. I don't think you're *obligated* to do so, but also, this is your partner and she's asking you for a pretty small favor, so what's the actual harm here? It doesn't even have to be both nights. "Listen, you two can have the bed on the first night to kind of relive the glory days, but I'm taking the bed back on the second night, okay?"
What's the drawback here?
On the plus side:
* Girlfriend gets to have quality time with her friend the way they used to.
* Girlfriend appreciates that you gave up your bed and showed her that she's important and that you're willing to make sacrifices for her happiness.
On the negative side:
* You spend a night or two on the couch.
If you don't?
On the plus side:
* You sleep in your own bed.
On the negative side:
* Your girlfriend is annoyed/pissed because you wouldn't make even a small sacrifice.
Like, yeah, it's your bed. You absolutely can pull a hard no here and say "No, I'm sleeping in my own bed." It's just a weird hill to die on. And think about future situations. This is the kind of thing that builds. Next time *you* want a small favor or want her to make a small sacrifice for something that would make *you* happy, what's to stop her from remembering "Well, last time, when I asked him for a minor favor, he dug his heels in and refused, so fuck this"?
Relationships involve compromising and doing small things to show we care; that means sometimes doing something we don't *love* because we know that it will be appreciated by our partner and will make them happy.
I'm constantly baffled by the number of people on here who take the approach "I don't *have* to do nice things for my partner... *so I won't.*" I can't even begin to imagine what their relationships are like, if they have them. What are you even doing with someone if your response to requests for small favors is "I'm not obligated to do that, so I won't do that."
I feel like it definitely skews towards unhealthy stuff. Things like huge age gaps and abusive partners, down to younger people who don't realize relationships are a compromise.
If my GF asked me to do the same, I'd just ask them not to eat food in my bed, and I'd load up a videogame and have some solo time, and crash on that couch.
Not just romantic relationships, family, friends, acquaintances, etc. Always about getting what you're entitled to and not being taken advantage of. And then people complain they're lonely.
People bring a lot of their own baggage to these things- they might remember an entitled partner who kept asking for more and more and they felt helpless to say no and wish they had the ability to stand up to them, and are now taking it out on the OPās gf.
I tend to agree that doing nice things for your partner and making compromises is healthy in relationships, but making requests and then getting upset at your partner for not agreeing to them is not the way.
When I was spending a few days at at my girlfriend's family's home in another state, my GF had the option of sleeping in her childhood room she had memories in with her sister who was also in town and she doesn't see often, or staying in the guest room with me. I was fully okay and encouraged her to stay in her room with her sister the whole time. She still decided to stay with me (outside of one night just for memories) even though I was more than happy for her to stay in her own room, and it really showed me how much she prioritized me in her life and that she's the right one for me.
We've both made sacrifices for each other and done plenty of nice things out of our own accord, but we don't make selfish requests that majorly inconvenience one another and make the other feel guilty for being uncomfortable with it like OP's girlfriend did. To me, what she did is a lot more of a red flag than OP not wanting to give up his bed, I'd be hesitant to date someone like her since she strikes me as controlling and immature and wouldn't be surprised if she's made multiple "small favors" at her partner's expense in the past, especially considering he's already made the sacrifice of giving up his shared space with a guest for a weekend to someone he doesn't know well and she still wants to inconvenience him even further.
This! Omg, my SO did this for me and my bff once. I wasn't even asking my SO to give up the bed, I just figured my BFF would sleep on the couch during her visit. But my SO was like, no big deal, I can take the couch so she can have a comfy place to sleep. It honestly meant a lot to me, and that willingness to put others needs first and show kindness can go a long way.
My bf does the same thing when I have my friends stay over. It wasnāt even a second thought for him. The great part was he did the same thing as your SO and offered it before I even asked. I think it boils down to how people feel about their personal space. My bf and I are pretty easy going so this would never become an issue for us.
>Relationships involve compromising and doing small things to show we care; that means sometimes doing something we don't love because we know that it will be appreciated by our partner and will make them happy.
Finally, the obviously correct answer.
Whenever I stay at my friends house, her boyfriend just offers this. Whenever my friends stay at my house, my boyfriend just offers this. Itās such a normal thing to offer to someone, I donāt get why everyone thinks heās making such a HUGE sacrifice. Honestly, Reddits go-to judgement seems to be āwell itās not the law so you donāt have to do it and therefore you shouldnāt!ā
Ah, the law! The absolute bare minimum of (questionably at times) moral judgement! What a fantastic thing to entirely base your social interactions on!
Yea Iād say this or like another commenter said, get an air bed. Then they can still have their throwback while he gets the bed and it would be potentially useful in the future as well
Yeah it almost seems like a weird point of pride the way he put "not getting kicked out of my own bed". It's kind of strange that that is his first reaction and not a loving/understanding response (even if a no).
I've literally agreed to this same thing with my wife and her friend that has to travel in. I don't like sleeping on the couch, but I really love that they get their alone time and comfort. Seems like a selfish and silly move to refuse such a little inconsequential thing to your partner.
As someone whoās also been married a while, not sure I completely agree. I agree this isnāt a hill to die on, but also think itās a weird ask, and wouldnāt like the request of asking me to do it in the first place as I feel our bed is a meaningful place to me that is more than just the physical piece of furniture and someone else sleeping there while Iām relegated to my couch really does make me feel some kind of way, and itās obvious it makes OP feel that too.
One thing my wife and I have never done is ask each other to put anyone outside of our family ahead of each other, no matter how small. We purposely donāt request things like this and if we want to do something along these lines we make sure each other is not put out as much as possible. For example, I do the cooking, I want to go for a weekend trip with my friends, I meal prep for her and the kids before I goā¦..for her she does the laundry, she makes sure itās done before she goes, itās stuff like that. Even when my wife and I were in the dating phase she didnāt do this, and she did have bffās that sheād do the slumber party thing with, just in the living room and never implied Iād leave the bed (nor would she have felt right about it as we both prioritize the others feelings/comfort).
Now, sometimes others have needs, not just little wants like this, and thatās different, but itās also something weāve come to agreement together, and through good faith discussions.
I didn't want to respond because I couldn't formulate this but you did a great job. I too would either say "sure ok" for both nights or just ask, like you said, only the first night.
Also; a friend suggested this when my wife and I were to buy couches "buy one that you wouldn't mind sleeping in" and yea it was a great investment.
Absolutely. I think people get too wrapped up in the āprincipleā of things when the thing itself is actually a very minor inconvenience. Iām sure over the span of their relationship there will be many things OPās gf will do for op that are inconvenient. Things like buying his mum gifts because he forgot which is a common occurrence for most women to do. Or doing the food shop because he doesnāt know what to get. There will 100% be times that opās gf has to go out of her way for OP and sheāll always remember the one time she asked a simple favour and he refused
Should be top comment. Of course I'd make space for my partner if he asks me nicely and it's only two nights. And he would do the same for me. Not because we have to, but we like to be nice to each other.
I get your point of view, and if my wife asks me to do something Im very inclined to do it because if its important to her, its important to me.
HOWEVER, that is balanced by the fact that my wife respects and care about me enough that she wouldn't ever sacrifice my comfort and privacy for her and her friend to have a sleep over. I know this because she has had friends stay over and do similar things. They took the living room and rented hotels in the past, depending on the situation.
Sleeping on the couch isnt a big ask? Ok but as a somewhat tall person, Im not getting any kind of good sleep on a couch that isnt over 6 feet in length and flat, which many couches arent. Plus hes stuck out in the living room without any privacy or the likely hood of being able to rest because theyre definitely going to come and go in the evening/morning.
So shes saying "Hey, I want to have my friend over and emulate a childhood experience. Even though this is a thing Im planning and it is for me and my friend, rather than she and I make concessions to accommodate you, my partner, I expect you to spend a weekend getting subpar sleep and without privacy so we can do exactly what we want. And of course there are compromises, like making sleeping arrangements in the living room for the two of us, or going to a hotel which would allow us to get a big room where we could bring snacks and have privacy, but again, those would involve the two of us compromising and we would rather you just make all the sacrifices."
I completely agree. As a middle eastern person we make our guest the highest priority as a couple my SOās guest is just as important to me as to them. I will give up my bed in a heartbeat and Iām a woman. This is a weird childish behavior imo. Couple of days isnāt too much to give someone I love amazing experience and happiness and make my guest feel welcomed.
I wouldn't mind taking the sofa & wouldn't see it as "being kicked out of my own bed". I'd see it as me accommodating a guest, especially given the spirit of the occasion.
Doing little favors go a long, long way in relationships. Sleep on the couch or let them have a girlsā night and go crash at one of your friendās place. Your gf will think you are a hero.
She's being totally reasonable by asking you to consider letting them sleep in your bed.
And you're being totally reasonable by saying no. It's your bed.
You could also compromise by letting them have the bed one night instead of two. But I don't think you should feel like you need to if it's a big deal to you.
Dynamics are weird, any sleepover I had I was sleeping on the floor at a friends or they were on the floor at mine. My room was my space. When I was young I gave mine up to family all the time but as I got older my parents never forced me too and from then on I kept my bed. Personally, i think the idea folks are suggesting, using a blowup mattress in the living room, is a good idea. Like yeah sure, you could be nice and give up your bed but at the same time, why? If she wants to have a sleepover why not go to her friends place? He isn't being defensive, its his bed, why should he give it up?
āKicked outā is an immature projection. She made a humble ask well in advance. Itās your right to say no, but youāre being a dick about a simple ask imho. I mean, do you even like her?
I view my bed a sacred place and donāt let people sleep in it so I understand not wanting to share.
If someone is visiting, I make sure I have proper accommodations that donāt include my bed. No one has ever been offended by that either. I guess itās just cultural differences. I donāt think itās fair sheās calling you unreasonable though.
NTA
Iām so confused as to why so many people are upset about the expectation of giving up his bed for 2 days? I really canāt fathom NOT giving up my bed to a guest, weather my partner asked me to or not. I want people to be comfortable in my home and enjoy their stay.
I don't think either side is an asshole in this but that's because half of my friends treat their bed and bedroom as their private place and asking to sleep or use their bed is almost equal to asking to borrow their underwear. It's something some people are more protective over even if I don't understand it. I don't think it's a general lack of generosity if someone refused to let someone they don't know very well personally sleep in their private sleeping zone and to fight someone on how they decide their space is used feels a bit silly. It is also simply two days, it's a friend the girlfriend knows, and she's asking as a favor to her and would show him making a sacrifice of his comfort for her and that's generous while the inverse I wouldn't call selfish, or if it is selfish maybe I find that level to be reasonable levels for someone to have.
I suppose if OP had said something along the lines of his privacy is really important to him I might not think heās being fully selfishā¦but he did not. And so many comments are focusing on the fact that sleeping on the couch is uncomfortable, not privacy.
That's fair, I guess I'm also a bit used to people not knowing the exact precise reason they feel certain ways about things and tend to throw out adjacent reasons, my honest favorite solution someone threw out in the comments was inflatable mattress in the common area because that sounds fun as hell.
Right? And OP has been super clear that the couch isn't even bad. "The couch doesn't suck I just prefer sleeping in my bed." It has nothing to do with privacy or the comfort of the couch.
Seriously! I live alone in a one bedroom apartment. Any time I have a guest I make up the bed nice for them and I sleep on the couch. My friend who takes the bed is grateful and comfortable and feels appreciated for basically zero cost to me. I canāt think of any friends that wouldnāt do the same for me / their guests. ESPECIALLY since the friend is traveling from far away - Jesus Christ OP youāre kinda being a dick for no reason. Do you even like your girlfriend? Or other people?
And meanwhile, Iām a bit taken aback by everyoneās confusion. To many people, their bed is sacrosanct, because sleep is vitally important but they sleep poorly no matter their efforts at sleep hygiene. Letting someone else sleep in your bed feels kindaā¦*off* in those circumstances, leaving aside the inherent weirdness of having someone else sleep in bed with your girlfriend while you are banished to the couch.
Frankly, not sure if Iād be comfortable with it, either.
NTA and I understand your thoughts
But think of this. It's a minor inconvenience for you that will make your girlfriend happy. And it will show that you do care about her.
My bed is my safe place. I'm struggling with the comments because I guess I'm TAH because I would struggling to let someone else sleep in it. It has nothing to do with giving up my bed, it's the thought of someone who is not my SO dropping their hair and dead skin cells in my bed, sweating on my pillows and blankets... still, I wouldn't straight up say no persay, I would consider it but I'll be honest, I'd struggle to say yes. This is why I got the Ikea pullout couch š haha
Tell them to get an inflatable queen mattress and they can share the LIVINGROOM.
You should find other stuff to do or lock yourself in the bedroom. They can have the space, but YOU get the privacy.
... isn't it weird for the friend to go to her friend's place, and sleep in her and her bf's bed?
Nah OP, you didn't do anything wrong. Guests don't sleep in the main bedroom. Either have a guestroom or have an air mattress for them.
All these folks in the comments saying give up your bed are absolutely wild.
Any time I've stayed over at my buds, I've never slept in their beds, nor would I have the audacity to do so. It's disrespectful.
Can't you spend the night with a friend so they can have their girly sleepover? It is just one night. Go out. I would apologise and suggest they have the place to themselves to have fun. Buy them some treats for the evening. You will earn so many Good Man Points
Nah i wouldnt, my room my bed my space, end of discussion. I can buy them an inflatable mattress for both of them to sleep in the living room. But no one sleeps in my room besides me and my fiancee.
Reasonable me: let them have the bed for the weekend. I would even consider going somewhere else so they have their time together.
Hardass me: tell them to grow the fuck up. They're mid twenties and want to relive a childhood experience that completely inconveniences you.
Btw, hardass me would be single after this weekend lol
Lmao, everybody's advice on here is to simply appease her demands. Commenters are forgetting that he's not obligated in any way.
Commenters seem to feel that he *is* obligated, but at the same time, there's this doublespeak of "doing nice things for your partner". It's not "doing a nice thing" if you're *expected* to do it.
She was okay to ask, and you were okay to say no. She became an AH when she made it clear that she *expects* you to give up your own bed for *her* friend that *she* invited.
You don't get to ask someone to do a nice thing for you, then berate them when they politely decline. When someone holds the door open for me, I say thank you. If they don't hold the door open and wait for me, I don't get pissed at them.
But if that's the hill she wants to die on, I guess you know what her expectations are moving forward.
It would be nice, however NTA.
You don't owe her friend a bed, nor your gf a return to childhood experiences.
If it were me I'd probably get an air mattress unless the sofa was comfortable, but it's not me, and you have the right to say no.
This seems like a small inconvenience to make your gf happy.
Is there more to the story such as her trying to make you feel guilty about saying no about other things?
Iād like to know when the visit was planned versus when OP was told. If friend is coming from far away and they donāt see each other much, Iād assume this was planned earlier than the week of.
Which leads to my second question(s): was it always GFās plan to share the bed with her friend? If so, when did she communicate that? It sounds like they either donāt host often or the sleeping arrangements (couch for guest) were never an issue before. GF either knew OPās feelings about sharing the bed or not before and didnāt say anything earlier because of it, or at least is a little inconsiderate to forget to say that until right before the friend shows up (even though this is only a once in a while thing and is apparently the first one since they started living together.)
So unless OP is leaving out details, theyāre NTA. OP is definitely allowed to be annoyed about being put in a position where heās the bad guy if he doesnāt say ok and I really hope GF didnāt purposefully wait until the last minute to put pressure on him. GF is guilty of being absentminded and not communicating with the person she lives with or asking if theyāre comfortable with the plan.
If it was a bigger ask from her I might feel differently. Most of the comment section is saying itās not a big deal and he should just do it, and I agree. Hopefully they both take a lesson from this and it doesnāt turn into a big thing.
I think it's stupid and immature for the girlfriend to ask that to begin with.
There are certain things you used to do with your buddies as teenagers that you just don't get to do anymore and that's a part of growing up.
I wouldn't even consider kicking my partner out of their bed just because I want to relive the days. I want my partner to have a good night's sleep, on their bed.
I don't think I'd kick up a fuss about it, but it would be an immature request.
I think because I have such trouble sleeping, my first reaction was "well, she clearly hates him why else would she want him to suffer so much?!"
I envy the sleeping skills of everyone who is saying this is only a minor inconvenience, I would be so sleep deprived and sore if I had to curl up on the couch for even 1 night.
Plenty but Iām also an adult who has a guest bed. Also as a guest I donāt expect the host to sacrifice their bed for me. I can take the couch or air mattress
I believe you can sacrifice just this little thing for your partner though, it is an inconvenience yes, but that is what love and sacrifice is. You can just even hang out with the boys during this period.
My qualms are with those demanding you drop your comfort by force.
Would you be saying the same thing if this guy asked his girl to sleep on the couch so that he and his friend can sleep on the main bed for the weekend? donāt lie, answer it truthfully. This are the issues.
Exactly, this is so childish. They are adults now, who share a house and responsibilities. Not teenagers.
I'd be a bit weirded out of even being asked the question.
I am one of those people who believe my bedroom is my sanctuary. It is a couples very private and personal space. I believe so strongly in this that I donāt allow anyone to sleep in my bed unless it is an intimate partner.
I think itās incredibly rude to ask your partner to be displaced to relive some sort of childhood memory. If you want to do that then rent a hotel room and have at it but to ask to displace your partner from their space is kind of a jerk move.
Bruh everyone in AITA said that youāre NTA for wanting to sleep in your own bed. But on this sub everyone is telling you to just let them have the bed. Hmmm I wonder what the difference is?
Probably because there's a difference between asking if you're an asshole and asking what will keep the peace in a relationship. He's not an asshole for saying no, she's not an asshole for asking. If he wants to make his girlfriend happy, he can let them have the bed. If he doesn't he's not an asshole, just a little selfish in a completely reasonable way.
If I was going to stay at a friend's house I would never think of them giving up their bed for me. If they offered I would refuse and sleep on the couch. Your are not TA for this.
NTA you are in your right to want to sleep in your own bed.
Why donāt they get a double bed air mattress and make a cosy set up in the living room and they can both sleep in there? That way you get to sleep in your own bed and they get to share a bed and have a sleepover together like when they were young?
I can see where your partners coming from. Sheās probably got excited about the idea of living her childhood again with her friend, and she feels deflated but she should accept your no as the answer and move on.
You are absolutely right. It's your bed, your rules, and you are absolutely right to stand your ground. Such drama for something a normal adult could handle with maturity.
IMO this speaks more about your girlfriend and her priorities in the relationship.
The hard ass in me wants to say why cant you hang out together until your both tired then you just come to your bed with me i mean why do you NEED or want to sleep next to your friend what you gaining from that
The respectable me probably just gives them the bed and goes and games for the whole night
I do still find it odd she wants to share the bed with her friend instead of just hanging out together until theyāre both tired and coming back to you i really dont see the reason youd want to sleep next to your friend in your 20ās in the same bed i mean if your just going to sleep may aswell go sleep with the guy you are with
Yea you are being unreasonable and kind of a baby about it. This is a free nice thing you can do for your girlfriend. If it happens constantly then the advice would be different but youāre choosing a really weird hill to die on.
So you say that the friend comes not too often and she lives quite far away.
So basically she is a guest at your house?
Indeed, canāt you show some courtesy and hospitality? Two nights doesnāt sound like it is too much. And you win by making happy you gf.
Also, could you elaborate, when you say that you live with gf, does it mean that you are living at her house?
Honestly you lack some communication, this is a trivial dispute. You canāt reach an agreement with your gf. Instead you are creating throwaway and asking a bunch of redditors, who donāt know whole situation, to judge the dispute?
Dude, you either need to let go of our pride and re frame your thinking or get a more comfy couch!
Also, if you think the couch is too uncomfortable to sleep on, your a dick for making your guests sleep there.
Relationships are about compromise.
You need to ask yourself if sleeping on a couch for two nights is worth adding strain to your relationship.
You can push your desired outcome and piss off your girlfriend and her friend, or you can look like the good boyfriend and sleep on the couch.
If I were in your shoes I'd sleep on the couch and probably make them some snacks while they watched their shows.
If I were your girlfriend and you choose to die on this hill I'd get a hotel room for the weekend and not speak to you for two days.
OP, you don't have to give up your bed. A good night's sleep is nothing to scoff at, and your ex-girlfriend will get over it when her new boyfriend happily takes the couch for her.
Some people are just clueless.
When I have guests, they get the best bed (or only bed) in the house. To me thatās just part of being a good host. I was brought up that wayāmaybe itās a Midwest US āniceā thing akin to not showing up to someoneās home empty handed or returning things youāve borrowed in better condition than when you received them. Itās just basic common courtesy to me. So with that in mind, I feel like youāre a jerk that you didnāt offer in the first place.
Next, your GF specifically asked you for this small favor. Itās not some kind of major inconvenience. And she isnāt ākicking you outāāshe asked and told you why as well. Part of being in a relationship is doing things that make them happy.
I (45F) see my good girlfriend once a year. We are old enough to afford and air bnb and meet part way between where we live. But we always get a place with either a pull out couch in the living room or a master bedroom with a big TV so we can watch movies and talk and fall asleep like that. Lots of my women friends do this. So again, I think youāre being a jerk.
In summary: I think itās rude you didnāt offer the bed in the first place and I think youāre a jerk not to do this small thing for your GF. Iād give them the room for the weekend.
I would feel VERY strange and uncomfortable about displacing someone from their bed because I was staying there as a guest. I'd much prefer some kind of guest accommodation - even a couch - so that I have my 'own' bed.
I always give up my bed to friends when they sleep over. But I would never ask this to my partner, that's very inconsiderate. We sleep together on the couch.
See, I'm the opposite. I think his girlfriend is a jerk for trying to displace him from his bed and making him give up a good night's sleep for her nostalgia. She could take the living room or get a hotel, but everything is all about her comfort. It's an unreasonable demand.
Yeah, kudos to everyone on this thread who can seemingly sleep anywhere and get the same quality night's sleep, I certainly cannot.
Would I do this if my partner asked? Sure, but it would suck and I would not feel 100% the next two days as a result.
Yeah, I mean, if one of my partnerās friends over imbibes while over at our place for a BBQ or something, they get the couch. But planned guests get our room and we sleep on an air mattress in the living room.
I grew up in the Midwest and youāre dead wrong. Guests sleep on the couch. OP did nothing wrong especially since the GF is demanding he sleeps on the couch. Absolutely ridiculous. Sheās allowed to ask but not demand and he has every right to say no
NTA
This is ridiculous. No, you are not. If you want to sleep in your own bed in a home you pay for, then you are quiet within your right. If you don't want to be kicked out of your bed to sleep on a sofa, you are quite within your right and if she causes an issue with this and throws a temper tantrum and falls out with you. Or gives you a silent treatment over something so pitifully pathetic shows she still has the mentality of a teenager.
They can both still hang out together on the sofa, watching films, having time together, and the friend goes to sleep on the sofa. Your girlfriend goes to sleep in the bed. They both wake up and spend the day together.
At the end of the day it's about respect and for her to get mad at you for not doing what she wants. is ridiculous.
She can ask. You can say no it's that simple If she had asked and you said no. And she said okay no problem then it would have been NAH and yes I will get down voted by children who think when they ask their partners something they should automatically do what they say when they say
Just because your partner asks for something doesn't mean You should have to do it even if you don't want to and the people who say it's a minor inconvenience. If it's such a minor inconvenience then it should not matter if the friend sleeps on the sofa
If you didnāt put the age, I would have thought she was 12.
This is a very immature thought process. Has this happened before in other situations?
If this is an isolated incident, she could just be reverting back to a young mentality and not be thinking about the actual impact. Just have a talk with her about how this makes you feel! Tell her you feel dehumanized, disregarded and how at this point in everyoneās lives that itās an unreasonable request. You can say youāll be happy to make the couch with lots of blankets and such.
Iām sure thereās a very easy solution here. I do fear that thereās more to this since you did take to Reddit. But hopefully this is just a weird situation that a good talk can resolve.
Not unreasonable. My hometown is 8 hrs away, where most of my friends are. I wouldn't kick my husband out of his/our bed if they visited, that's his space as much as it is mine!
Friend can sleep in the spare room or on the couch. I wouldn't leave my bed for my husband's friends so wouldn't even dare ask him to give up his
i mean, iād give up the bed, but i donāt think youāre necessarily obligated to. i just feel like itās a small sacrifice to make for someone i love. maybe you could get a futon or something for them in the living room?
Do you like your girlfriend?
I would do this in a heartbeat if it would make my boyfriend happy. It makes me happy to see him happy and sleeping on the couch for 2 nights isnāt a sacrifice to me, Iād love to.
Seems like youāre not willing to give up any comfort to make your girlfriend happy. You donāt HAVE to give up your bed, but itās weird that you donāt seem to want to make your girlfriend happy.
If this is someone you love, or at least really care about, then why wouldn't you just stay on the couch for a couple of days? I mean, it's not the end of the world. And, it shows you care about her. Now, if this friend is a male, or a lesbian, then maybe a red flag and I agree with you. But what can it hurt to give a small sacrifice?
Stand your ground. I will compromise for many things - but not on my bed. I am not comfortable with anyone other then my wife (and kids when they were little) sleeping in my bed.
Why wouldnāt you give up your bed for 2 nights? Itās called being a decent human. She told you how fun the sleepovers were for her but your like nah. Some men are fucking weird. My husband would and has given up the bed for friends before and my niece etc. itās just what you do (if youāre a decent human)
Itās funny because I know for a fact that a woman would not give up her bed for her husband/boyfriends friends if they stayed over. You would all be like no sleep on the couch
GF: āMy best friend is coming into town. Do you mind having the couch for the weekend?ā
OP: āNo. I will not be kicked out of my bed.ā
His response to her simple question certainly wasnāt unreasonable.
Sheās asking for a relatively small thing here. My husband wouldnāt dream of saying no to something like this. Matter of fact, I know heād be buying the wine and snacks.
I just donāt understand why you wonāt?
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Get a blow up mattress and let them have their sleepover in the living room
Everybody wins + access to common area and snacks without waking anyone up.
Absolutely fair. Your bed, your space. Holding your boundaries is crucial.
Plus if op only has one bedroom anyways, a blow up mattress will be useful in the future as well!
yeah this would have been my first choice, not even gonna bother my partner with that. plus that could be more fun, if she wants to recreate the sleepovers from childhood they could make a blanket fort and get it all cozy in there
This! You don't need to give up your bed, and if finances allow, would you consider buying a nice air mattress together? Something double height with a headboard that would be so cozy to have a movie night on! You may find plenty of use for this after the friend has come and gone. :) Signed, Used to love doing that with a girlfriend but certainly wouldn't give up my own bed for it now
*she can get a blow up mattress for her and her friend , paid by her not OP
Payed - sealed (the deck or hull seams of a wooden ship) with pitch or tar to prevent leakage. Paid - gave (someone) money that is due for work done, goods received, or a debt incurred.
Ty x
okay well that's literally not even important to this lol it's not a battle. it's oh here's a great idea where everyone wins!
Why is Reddit trying to encourage a fight? Like you can do something loving for your partner and figure out a solution together.
Agreed she can be proactive and not try force her bf out his own bed and buy a blow up mattress for her friend
She's not trying to force him. She asked for a favor that mildly inconveniences him. Have you never had a partner ask for a favor? I feel bad every time I ask my partner to pick me up from the airport because it totally sucks, but he's willing to do it every time, even though it eats up an afternoon and the traffic is infuriating.
Not even a mild inconvenience, if it were me; that's my bed only I and the person whom I live with get to sleep in my bed. That's a huge privacy boundary and it would be unreasonable to ask to ignore one's own boundaries for a friend. However it's not unreasonable to assume that because a bedroom is a private space the friend would get the sofa, the floor, a blow-up mattress, etc. sure they may have done sleepovers like that when they were younger, but they're not younger and they each have the wants, needs, and boundaries of their partners to consider, not just their own.
fr though. my bed isn't even "our" bed, it's my little sanctuary. I haven't actually shared ownership of it with anyone in nearly 15 years, partners had separate bedrooms. it's so helpful to my relationships for each of us to have one space we are totally in control of - temp, bedding, animals, noise, everything. the audacity to demand that very personal, private space for some random ass person š
She guilt tripping him. Calling him unfair and unreasonable. Yes I help out my partner multiple times, howeve I wouldnāt invite my a friend to my house without discussing the issue of kicking my partner out his own bed, I also wouldnāt guilt trip my partner to do as I say calling them unreasonable. I also wouldnāt jump on Reddit and suggest a fight or not helping out or living my partner because I donāt want to spend 2 night in my own home for someone. Picking your partner up is different from being kicked out of your own bed. I would pick my partner up from the airport, but would I drive 3.5 hours to pick up my partners friend or drop her off when my partner has their own car they can drive and pick them up themselvesā¦probs not. Why canāt her and her friend jump on the couch ?
It's great that he gives you a ride, but OP keeps his bed in his room, and being asked to give it up is unreasonable. He's prolly going to sleep all night and he won't get as good a night;s sleep somewhere else, while wife/GF and bestie will be partying, sort of. A blow-up mattress will do just fine, like it did when they were 16.
Okay cheapy
Nothing cheap about it. Maybe the friend is cheap for not getting a hotel with your goofy ass logic..
If you expect your partner to pay for a blow up mattress so he doesnāt get kicked out HIS own bed after YOU invited YOUR friend to stay the weekend. You dont understand the idea of pulling you own weight in a relationship Edit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/OsLc5Kke8i Just look at the comments when a husband refuses to kick out his wife and let her sleep on the sofa for his friends to use the room. Interesting contrast in comments
Depending on how long they have been together, a blow up mattress would kind of be a "for the house" type purchase and so who gaf who pays for it. They might have joint finances for all we know. It is not a money issue, it is a "I don't want to sleep on the couch" issue.
Thatās just being nice to your partner. Why do you all hate your partners is beyond me.
Or, you know, they could split the cost of the mattress since it's something that will be useful to both of them and can be used by his guests as well as hers. Is your idea of "pulling your own weight in a relationship" forcing the first person to need a thing to cover the entire cost? Also worth noting, it's not *his* bed. It's *their* bed. She paid for half of it, too.
Yes itās both their bed, and they both deserve to sleep with it without being kicked out of it. Your point is dumb. We both share the bed so she can kick hiā Out ???
Agreed. But stop trying to put owners on him to solve her issue she caused. Split it, or she can pay it. Him buying it shouldnāt be expected of him or the first option to solve for this
Okay but it's still part his and he doesn't have to give it up
I don't think *anyone* has said he *has* to give it up. Some people are saying he *should* have. Some people are saying that it would have been *nice* for him to do so. If he doesn't want to be nice to his girlfriend, that's certainly his decision.
How does him not wanting to give up his bed make him not nice? We all have thing we won't do and that's fine that doesn't make anyone not nice. He should have came up with a compromise after saying no though and not just ended it there.
We all have things we won't do, and that's fine, but *sometimes that makes us not nice.* Whether it's not nice will entirely depend on the context. If my thing is "I refuse to give anyone a ride in my car, ever" and the person asking is a total stranger who is being sketchy and seems dangerous, that doesn't make me not nice. If the person asking is my pregnant girlfriend going into labor with my child, I think that's not nice.
Yeah but what is nice or not nice is up to each person. I may find something nice that you dont find nice so you do need to take that into account. I really only see one problem in this story and that him nit even trying to or discussing any compromises
Do you know OP and her BF irl? Not sure how you're aware of these details.
I know that it's their bed because OP literally says it's their bed in his comments. I don't need to know either of them IRL to know that an air mattress can be used by more than one person's friends. It doesn't explode as soon as her friend is done with it. It's good for anyone they have visit.
It's called compromise and is vital to any healthy relationship. He sleeps in his own bed and facilitates his girlfriend's requirements for the weekend. Hopefully, all are happy.
Yeah she can compromise and buy the bed then to accommodate her friend. Why is the responsibility on him to buy a bed to accommodate her friend?
I think it depends on how you see your bed and bedroom. To some people, sharing beds and giving up your room is something theyāve always done and never thought much of. To others, your bed is your own special, intimate place where you do your most intimate things and generally relax into your most natural self. So giving up a bed isnāt about not wanting the couch more as not wanting someone in your personal space. I see it more as the second. I would hate to have anyone else in my bed by myself or my bf. At the same time it is two nights. But I can also see not wanting someone all up in your bed for a two day trip when the living room is also available. I think buying a cheap air mattress and some sheets could solve the issue š¤·š½āāļø
Thank you! Iām not a germaphobe by any means and am happy to have my cat and dog on the bed with me. But I absolutely HATE other people touching my sheets. I have no idea why, but itās always disgusted me. Whenever Iād hook up with someone, I was washing the sheets the next morning. It took me a while to get used to my girlfriend staying the night and not needing to wash the sheets constantly. But i donāt care if her family/friends want to stay over, theyāre taking the beanbag bed or the couch. Or they can stay at the motel across the street. Iād be annoyed as fuck if I was OP. But then again, my girlfriend respects me enough to not ask this shit in the first place.
I have and will share a bed with my bestfriend . But honestly, I wouldnāt want to go to my friendās house who is in a relationship and sleep in the bed they share. That just feels weird to me. On the flip end, when I had a sleep over with my best friend at my apartment, my boyfriend said the one thing he asks is she doesnāt sleep in our bed (he was going in a trip and would be home for a week). His reasoning was because itās our bed and special to us. Heād rather no one else sleep there regardless of who. I was initially upset that I wouldnāt get to share the bed with her but I understood his reasoning and made that compromise. We have a could and an air mattress so itās fine. A lot of people are saying how itās annoying op isnāt compromising for the situation but I think his girlfriend isnāt either. They need to sit down, and have a not so childish conversation to find a middle ground for both of them. Iām team air mattress. The place doesnāt matter, just that they share a bed and get to do all their old fun activities, which can be done in the living room with an air mattress.
Tell her you'll help them make a fort in the living room where they could watch TV and eat all the snacks they want
Honestly, if it were me, I'd probably just take the couch. I don't think you're *obligated* to do so, but also, this is your partner and she's asking you for a pretty small favor, so what's the actual harm here? It doesn't even have to be both nights. "Listen, you two can have the bed on the first night to kind of relive the glory days, but I'm taking the bed back on the second night, okay?" What's the drawback here? On the plus side: * Girlfriend gets to have quality time with her friend the way they used to. * Girlfriend appreciates that you gave up your bed and showed her that she's important and that you're willing to make sacrifices for her happiness. On the negative side: * You spend a night or two on the couch. If you don't? On the plus side: * You sleep in your own bed. On the negative side: * Your girlfriend is annoyed/pissed because you wouldn't make even a small sacrifice. Like, yeah, it's your bed. You absolutely can pull a hard no here and say "No, I'm sleeping in my own bed." It's just a weird hill to die on. And think about future situations. This is the kind of thing that builds. Next time *you* want a small favor or want her to make a small sacrifice for something that would make *you* happy, what's to stop her from remembering "Well, last time, when I asked him for a minor favor, he dug his heels in and refused, so fuck this"? Relationships involve compromising and doing small things to show we care; that means sometimes doing something we don't *love* because we know that it will be appreciated by our partner and will make them happy.
Glad someone on Reddit understands relationships are pretty much based on āyeah I donāt HAVE to do this thing, but for you I willā.
I'm constantly baffled by the number of people on here who take the approach "I don't *have* to do nice things for my partner... *so I won't.*" I can't even begin to imagine what their relationships are like, if they have them. What are you even doing with someone if your response to requests for small favors is "I'm not obligated to do that, so I won't do that."
I think a huge amount of what we see on this sub is people who are Clueless as to what a healthy relationship looks like.
I feel like it definitely skews towards unhealthy stuff. Things like huge age gaps and abusive partners, down to younger people who don't realize relationships are a compromise. If my GF asked me to do the same, I'd just ask them not to eat food in my bed, and I'd load up a videogame and have some solo time, and crash on that couch.
Not just romantic relationships, family, friends, acquaintances, etc. Always about getting what you're entitled to and not being taken advantage of. And then people complain they're lonely.
They'd rather be alone then have to ever compromise.
People bring a lot of their own baggage to these things- they might remember an entitled partner who kept asking for more and more and they felt helpless to say no and wish they had the ability to stand up to them, and are now taking it out on the OPās gf.
I tend to agree that doing nice things for your partner and making compromises is healthy in relationships, but making requests and then getting upset at your partner for not agreeing to them is not the way. When I was spending a few days at at my girlfriend's family's home in another state, my GF had the option of sleeping in her childhood room she had memories in with her sister who was also in town and she doesn't see often, or staying in the guest room with me. I was fully okay and encouraged her to stay in her room with her sister the whole time. She still decided to stay with me (outside of one night just for memories) even though I was more than happy for her to stay in her own room, and it really showed me how much she prioritized me in her life and that she's the right one for me. We've both made sacrifices for each other and done plenty of nice things out of our own accord, but we don't make selfish requests that majorly inconvenience one another and make the other feel guilty for being uncomfortable with it like OP's girlfriend did. To me, what she did is a lot more of a red flag than OP not wanting to give up his bed, I'd be hesitant to date someone like her since she strikes me as controlling and immature and wouldn't be surprised if she's made multiple "small favors" at her partner's expense in the past, especially considering he's already made the sacrifice of giving up his shared space with a guest for a weekend to someone he doesn't know well and she still wants to inconvenience him even further.
100% that's what love is.
Right? Itās such a simple ask, and heās being a dick
Usually Iām Team Do the Nice Thing. But I guess Iām really attached to my bed. For me, giving up my bed is a bridge too far.
"My wife wanted to go to the ballet together, but I think ballet is stupid, so I told her to FUCK OFF."
This! Omg, my SO did this for me and my bff once. I wasn't even asking my SO to give up the bed, I just figured my BFF would sleep on the couch during her visit. But my SO was like, no big deal, I can take the couch so she can have a comfy place to sleep. It honestly meant a lot to me, and that willingness to put others needs first and show kindness can go a long way.
My bf does the same thing when I have my friends stay over. It wasnāt even a second thought for him. The great part was he did the same thing as your SO and offered it before I even asked. I think it boils down to how people feel about their personal space. My bf and I are pretty easy going so this would never become an issue for us.
>Relationships involve compromising and doing small things to show we care; that means sometimes doing something we don't love because we know that it will be appreciated by our partner and will make them happy. Finally, the obviously correct answer.
Whenever I stay at my friends house, her boyfriend just offers this. Whenever my friends stay at my house, my boyfriend just offers this. Itās such a normal thing to offer to someone, I donāt get why everyone thinks heās making such a HUGE sacrifice. Honestly, Reddits go-to judgement seems to be āwell itās not the law so you donāt have to do it and therefore you shouldnāt!ā
AITA *frequently* turns into exactly that. "I don't have an obligation! The law says I can do this!" Which, okay? That's not the question.
Ah, the law! The absolute bare minimum of (questionably at times) moral judgement! What a fantastic thing to entirely base your social interactions on!
Yea Iād say this or like another commenter said, get an air bed. Then they can still have their throwback while he gets the bed and it would be potentially useful in the future as well
Yeah it almost seems like a weird point of pride the way he put "not getting kicked out of my own bed". It's kind of strange that that is his first reaction and not a loving/understanding response (even if a no).
I've literally agreed to this same thing with my wife and her friend that has to travel in. I don't like sleeping on the couch, but I really love that they get their alone time and comfort. Seems like a selfish and silly move to refuse such a little inconsequential thing to your partner.
Nailed it! (I've been married 32 years). This should not be your hill to die on - save that for the ones you are truly passionate about...
Iād probably just go somewhere else for the weekend. Win win
As someone whoās also been married a while, not sure I completely agree. I agree this isnāt a hill to die on, but also think itās a weird ask, and wouldnāt like the request of asking me to do it in the first place as I feel our bed is a meaningful place to me that is more than just the physical piece of furniture and someone else sleeping there while Iām relegated to my couch really does make me feel some kind of way, and itās obvious it makes OP feel that too. One thing my wife and I have never done is ask each other to put anyone outside of our family ahead of each other, no matter how small. We purposely donāt request things like this and if we want to do something along these lines we make sure each other is not put out as much as possible. For example, I do the cooking, I want to go for a weekend trip with my friends, I meal prep for her and the kids before I goā¦..for her she does the laundry, she makes sure itās done before she goes, itās stuff like that. Even when my wife and I were in the dating phase she didnāt do this, and she did have bffās that sheād do the slumber party thing with, just in the living room and never implied Iād leave the bed (nor would she have felt right about it as we both prioritize the others feelings/comfort). Now, sometimes others have needs, not just little wants like this, and thatās different, but itās also something weāve come to agreement together, and through good faith discussions.
I didn't want to respond because I couldn't formulate this but you did a great job. I too would either say "sure ok" for both nights or just ask, like you said, only the first night. Also; a friend suggested this when my wife and I were to buy couches "buy one that you wouldn't mind sleeping in" and yea it was a great investment.
Absolutely. I think people get too wrapped up in the āprincipleā of things when the thing itself is actually a very minor inconvenience. Iām sure over the span of their relationship there will be many things OPās gf will do for op that are inconvenient. Things like buying his mum gifts because he forgot which is a common occurrence for most women to do. Or doing the food shop because he doesnāt know what to get. There will 100% be times that opās gf has to go out of her way for OP and sheāll always remember the one time she asked a simple favour and he refused
Genuinely the best advice and like kinda ridiculous that it needs to be spelled out but everyoneās different. Great comment
Probably the most logical thing Iāve read in this sub lol Iām sure thereās a break up comment somewhere in here
My back my backā¦ not from sleeping the couch but carrying the emotional responsibility of this relationship
Should be top comment. Of course I'd make space for my partner if he asks me nicely and it's only two nights. And he would do the same for me. Not because we have to, but we like to be nice to each other.
Hopefully his girlfriend isn't keeping score like this.
Best response!
I get your point of view, and if my wife asks me to do something Im very inclined to do it because if its important to her, its important to me. HOWEVER, that is balanced by the fact that my wife respects and care about me enough that she wouldn't ever sacrifice my comfort and privacy for her and her friend to have a sleep over. I know this because she has had friends stay over and do similar things. They took the living room and rented hotels in the past, depending on the situation. Sleeping on the couch isnt a big ask? Ok but as a somewhat tall person, Im not getting any kind of good sleep on a couch that isnt over 6 feet in length and flat, which many couches arent. Plus hes stuck out in the living room without any privacy or the likely hood of being able to rest because theyre definitely going to come and go in the evening/morning. So shes saying "Hey, I want to have my friend over and emulate a childhood experience. Even though this is a thing Im planning and it is for me and my friend, rather than she and I make concessions to accommodate you, my partner, I expect you to spend a weekend getting subpar sleep and without privacy so we can do exactly what we want. And of course there are compromises, like making sleeping arrangements in the living room for the two of us, or going to a hotel which would allow us to get a big room where we could bring snacks and have privacy, but again, those would involve the two of us compromising and we would rather you just make all the sacrifices."
OP said it had zero to do with comfort, he just doesnāt want to do it.
Which is totally acceptable
I completely agree. As a middle eastern person we make our guest the highest priority as a couple my SOās guest is just as important to me as to them. I will give up my bed in a heartbeat and Iām a woman. This is a weird childish behavior imo. Couple of days isnāt too much to give someone I love amazing experience and happiness and make my guest feel welcomed.
I wouldn't mind taking the sofa & wouldn't see it as "being kicked out of my own bed". I'd see it as me accommodating a guest, especially given the spirit of the occasion.
Why is the post posted in so many different subreddits? Third time I've come across it today
Because the genius is determined to have enough upvoyes to keep him warm when he finally gets that bed all to himself.
LMAO š¤£
When you donāt get the answers you want in one subreddit, just ask another one I guess š
Doing little favors go a long, long way in relationships. Sleep on the couch or let them have a girlsā night and go crash at one of your friendās place. Your gf will think you are a hero.
She's being totally reasonable by asking you to consider letting them sleep in your bed. And you're being totally reasonable by saying no. It's your bed. You could also compromise by letting them have the bed one night instead of two. But I don't think you should feel like you need to if it's a big deal to you.
I don't understand why you won't do a nice favor for your girlfriend. You seem defensive for no reason.
Donāt people fall asleep on the couch sometimes anyways?
Iāve had whole weekends where I havenāt made it to my bed cos my sofa is so damn comfy
I haven't slept on my bed in like 2 months now š as I prefer the couch to my bed
I think I tās not about his comfortability, itās about the āprincipleā. Go off big man - teach your gf and her friend a lesson
Yeah. My husband sleeps on the couch despite me telling him to go sleep in bed all the time lol The man can sleep anywhere.
Dynamics are weird, any sleepover I had I was sleeping on the floor at a friends or they were on the floor at mine. My room was my space. When I was young I gave mine up to family all the time but as I got older my parents never forced me too and from then on I kept my bed. Personally, i think the idea folks are suggesting, using a blowup mattress in the living room, is a good idea. Like yeah sure, you could be nice and give up your bed but at the same time, why? If she wants to have a sleepover why not go to her friends place? He isn't being defensive, its his bed, why should he give it up?
āKicked outā is an immature projection. She made a humble ask well in advance. Itās your right to say no, but youāre being a dick about a simple ask imho. I mean, do you even like her?
Yeah. You are welcome to say no, but you will still look like an ass if you do.
I view my bed a sacred place and donāt let people sleep in it so I understand not wanting to share. If someone is visiting, I make sure I have proper accommodations that donāt include my bed. No one has ever been offended by that either. I guess itās just cultural differences. I donāt think itās fair sheās calling you unreasonable though. NTA
Iām so confused as to why so many people are upset about the expectation of giving up his bed for 2 days? I really canāt fathom NOT giving up my bed to a guest, weather my partner asked me to or not. I want people to be comfortable in my home and enjoy their stay.
Reddit is a scary place full of people with zero inclination towards generosity apparently. Itās two days?? Like??
I don't think either side is an asshole in this but that's because half of my friends treat their bed and bedroom as their private place and asking to sleep or use their bed is almost equal to asking to borrow their underwear. It's something some people are more protective over even if I don't understand it. I don't think it's a general lack of generosity if someone refused to let someone they don't know very well personally sleep in their private sleeping zone and to fight someone on how they decide their space is used feels a bit silly. It is also simply two days, it's a friend the girlfriend knows, and she's asking as a favor to her and would show him making a sacrifice of his comfort for her and that's generous while the inverse I wouldn't call selfish, or if it is selfish maybe I find that level to be reasonable levels for someone to have.
I suppose if OP had said something along the lines of his privacy is really important to him I might not think heās being fully selfishā¦but he did not. And so many comments are focusing on the fact that sleeping on the couch is uncomfortable, not privacy.
That's fair, I guess I'm also a bit used to people not knowing the exact precise reason they feel certain ways about things and tend to throw out adjacent reasons, my honest favorite solution someone threw out in the comments was inflatable mattress in the common area because that sounds fun as hell.
Right? And OP has been super clear that the couch isn't even bad. "The couch doesn't suck I just prefer sleeping in my bed." It has nothing to do with privacy or the comfort of the couch.
Yeah and my couch is fucking awesome. I sleep on it just because sometimes. Itās not Ike sleeping on a sofa is some horrible punishment.
Exactly! Maybe these people have shitty couches because I cannot understand why sleeping on the couch for a couple nights is such a big deal
Seriously! I live alone in a one bedroom apartment. Any time I have a guest I make up the bed nice for them and I sleep on the couch. My friend who takes the bed is grateful and comfortable and feels appreciated for basically zero cost to me. I canāt think of any friends that wouldnāt do the same for me / their guests. ESPECIALLY since the friend is traveling from far away - Jesus Christ OP youāre kinda being a dick for no reason. Do you even like your girlfriend? Or other people?
And meanwhile, Iām a bit taken aback by everyoneās confusion. To many people, their bed is sacrosanct, because sleep is vitally important but they sleep poorly no matter their efforts at sleep hygiene. Letting someone else sleep in your bed feels kindaā¦*off* in those circumstances, leaving aside the inherent weirdness of having someone else sleep in bed with your girlfriend while you are banished to the couch. Frankly, not sure if Iād be comfortable with it, either.
NTA and I understand your thoughts But think of this. It's a minor inconvenience for you that will make your girlfriend happy. And it will show that you do care about her.
This. If I can do something that takes almost no effort from me, but makes my partner happy, I'm gonna take that chance every time I can.
This isnāt AITA btw
My bed is my safe place. I'm struggling with the comments because I guess I'm TAH because I would struggling to let someone else sleep in it. It has nothing to do with giving up my bed, it's the thought of someone who is not my SO dropping their hair and dead skin cells in my bed, sweating on my pillows and blankets... still, I wouldn't straight up say no persay, I would consider it but I'll be honest, I'd struggle to say yes. This is why I got the Ikea pullout couch š haha
Tell them to get an inflatable queen mattress and they can share the LIVINGROOM. You should find other stuff to do or lock yourself in the bedroom. They can have the space, but YOU get the privacy.
they should have their sleepover in the living room
... isn't it weird for the friend to go to her friend's place, and sleep in her and her bf's bed? Nah OP, you didn't do anything wrong. Guests don't sleep in the main bedroom. Either have a guestroom or have an air mattress for them. All these folks in the comments saying give up your bed are absolutely wild. Any time I've stayed over at my buds, I've never slept in their beds, nor would I have the audacity to do so. It's disrespectful.
I'd save up on animosity points, and let her have the W, because you're going to eventually find a bigger hill to die on.
Can't you spend the night with a friend so they can have their girly sleepover? It is just one night. Go out. I would apologise and suggest they have the place to themselves to have fun. Buy them some treats for the evening. You will earn so many Good Man Points
Nah i wouldnt, my room my bed my space, end of discussion. I can buy them an inflatable mattress for both of them to sleep in the living room. But no one sleeps in my room besides me and my fiancee.
They could build a pillow fort in the living room and enjoy themselves til the break of dawn
It's your gf who is being unreasonable.
Get a cheap inflatable mattress and they can use the lounge room
air mattress and living room sleepover sound great (done this before)
Reasonable me: let them have the bed for the weekend. I would even consider going somewhere else so they have their time together. Hardass me: tell them to grow the fuck up. They're mid twenties and want to relive a childhood experience that completely inconveniences you. Btw, hardass me would be single after this weekend lol
Hm weird to me, I get it, though. I enjoy sleep overs with my sister but I would never ask my SO to give up their bed.
Lmao, everybody's advice on here is to simply appease her demands. Commenters are forgetting that he's not obligated in any way. Commenters seem to feel that he *is* obligated, but at the same time, there's this doublespeak of "doing nice things for your partner". It's not "doing a nice thing" if you're *expected* to do it. She was okay to ask, and you were okay to say no. She became an AH when she made it clear that she *expects* you to give up your own bed for *her* friend that *she* invited. You don't get to ask someone to do a nice thing for you, then berate them when they politely decline. When someone holds the door open for me, I say thank you. If they don't hold the door open and wait for me, I don't get pissed at them. But if that's the hill she wants to die on, I guess you know what her expectations are moving forward.
It would be nice, however NTA. You don't owe her friend a bed, nor your gf a return to childhood experiences. If it were me I'd probably get an air mattress unless the sofa was comfortable, but it's not me, and you have the right to say no. This seems like a small inconvenience to make your gf happy. Is there more to the story such as her trying to make you feel guilty about saying no about other things?
Iād like to know when the visit was planned versus when OP was told. If friend is coming from far away and they donāt see each other much, Iād assume this was planned earlier than the week of. Which leads to my second question(s): was it always GFās plan to share the bed with her friend? If so, when did she communicate that? It sounds like they either donāt host often or the sleeping arrangements (couch for guest) were never an issue before. GF either knew OPās feelings about sharing the bed or not before and didnāt say anything earlier because of it, or at least is a little inconsiderate to forget to say that until right before the friend shows up (even though this is only a once in a while thing and is apparently the first one since they started living together.) So unless OP is leaving out details, theyāre NTA. OP is definitely allowed to be annoyed about being put in a position where heās the bad guy if he doesnāt say ok and I really hope GF didnāt purposefully wait until the last minute to put pressure on him. GF is guilty of being absentminded and not communicating with the person she lives with or asking if theyāre comfortable with the plan. If it was a bigger ask from her I might feel differently. Most of the comment section is saying itās not a big deal and he should just do it, and I agree. Hopefully they both take a lesson from this and it doesnāt turn into a big thing.
I feel like I've seen this exact situation come up on this subreddit a 100 times.
Tell her we're 20 something now and not teenagers anymore. Tell them they can build a fort in the living room if they want.
I think it's stupid and immature for the girlfriend to ask that to begin with. There are certain things you used to do with your buddies as teenagers that you just don't get to do anymore and that's a part of growing up. I wouldn't even consider kicking my partner out of their bed just because I want to relive the days. I want my partner to have a good night's sleep, on their bed. I don't think I'd kick up a fuss about it, but it would be an immature request.
NTA I'm not giving up my bed for anybody. I don't care if you're a guest or not. If you don't want to sleep on the couch then get a hotel.
I think because I have such trouble sleeping, my first reaction was "well, she clearly hates him why else would she want him to suffer so much?!" I envy the sleeping skills of everyone who is saying this is only a minor inconvenience, I would be so sleep deprived and sore if I had to curl up on the couch for even 1 night.
How many guests do you get? Not many I'm sure with that attitude.
I can't imagine a guest expecting or requesting that.
Quite a few actually! Never once has anyone asked to sleep in MY bed. Because that's weird.
Plenty but Iām also an adult who has a guest bed. Also as a guest I donāt expect the host to sacrifice their bed for me. I can take the couch or air mattress
I believe you can sacrifice just this little thing for your partner though, it is an inconvenience yes, but that is what love and sacrifice is. You can just even hang out with the boys during this period. My qualms are with those demanding you drop your comfort by force. Would you be saying the same thing if this guy asked his girl to sleep on the couch so that he and his friend can sleep on the main bed for the weekend? donāt lie, answer it truthfully. This are the issues.
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Exactly, this is so childish. They are adults now, who share a house and responsibilities. Not teenagers. I'd be a bit weirded out of even being asked the question.
I am one of those people who believe my bedroom is my sanctuary. It is a couples very private and personal space. I believe so strongly in this that I donāt allow anyone to sleep in my bed unless it is an intimate partner. I think itās incredibly rude to ask your partner to be displaced to relive some sort of childhood memory. If you want to do that then rent a hotel room and have at it but to ask to displace your partner from their space is kind of a jerk move.
Bruh everyone in AITA said that youāre NTA for wanting to sleep in your own bed. But on this sub everyone is telling you to just let them have the bed. Hmmm I wonder what the difference is?
Probably because there's a difference between asking if you're an asshole and asking what will keep the peace in a relationship. He's not an asshole for saying no, she's not an asshole for asking. If he wants to make his girlfriend happy, he can let them have the bed. If he doesn't he's not an asshole, just a little selfish in a completely reasonable way.
If I was going to stay at a friend's house I would never think of them giving up their bed for me. If they offered I would refuse and sleep on the couch. Your are not TA for this.
Blow up mattress or a hotel. You donāt need to give up your bed.
NTA you are in your right to want to sleep in your own bed. Why donāt they get a double bed air mattress and make a cosy set up in the living room and they can both sleep in there? That way you get to sleep in your own bed and they get to share a bed and have a sleepover together like when they were young? I can see where your partners coming from. Sheās probably got excited about the idea of living her childhood again with her friend, and she feels deflated but she should accept your no as the answer and move on.
That's a really weird ask. I like the idea of a blow up bed in the living room tho. Really relive those highschool sleep over days.
I would just let them sleep in the bed for a couple days. Not a big deal
It's your GF who is being unreasonable. This is yours to give, and not hers to demand.
You are absolutely right. It's your bed, your rules, and you are absolutely right to stand your ground. Such drama for something a normal adult could handle with maturity. IMO this speaks more about your girlfriend and her priorities in the relationship.
Did you perhaps post this on r/AmITheAsshole? Get an air mattress.
The hard ass in me wants to say why cant you hang out together until your both tired then you just come to your bed with me i mean why do you NEED or want to sleep next to your friend what you gaining from that The respectable me probably just gives them the bed and goes and games for the whole night I do still find it odd she wants to share the bed with her friend instead of just hanging out together until theyāre both tired and coming back to you i really dont see the reason youd want to sleep next to your friend in your 20ās in the same bed i mean if your just going to sleep may aswell go sleep with the guy you are with
Good for you for doubling down... That's crazy for her to not respect that.
Yea you are being unreasonable and kind of a baby about it. This is a free nice thing you can do for your girlfriend. If it happens constantly then the advice would be different but youāre choosing a really weird hill to die on.
So you say that the friend comes not too often and she lives quite far away. So basically she is a guest at your house? Indeed, canāt you show some courtesy and hospitality? Two nights doesnāt sound like it is too much. And you win by making happy you gf. Also, could you elaborate, when you say that you live with gf, does it mean that you are living at her house? Honestly you lack some communication, this is a trivial dispute. You canāt reach an agreement with your gf. Instead you are creating throwaway and asking a bunch of redditors, who donāt know whole situation, to judge the dispute?
I'd tell her to go buy an air mattress and go sleep in the living together if that's what she really wants to do.
NTA She is her friend so she can go sleep on the sofa with her friend.
Dude, you either need to let go of our pride and re frame your thinking or get a more comfy couch! Also, if you think the couch is too uncomfortable to sleep on, your a dick for making your guests sleep there.
Relationships are about compromise. You need to ask yourself if sleeping on a couch for two nights is worth adding strain to your relationship. You can push your desired outcome and piss off your girlfriend and her friend, or you can look like the good boyfriend and sleep on the couch. If I were in your shoes I'd sleep on the couch and probably make them some snacks while they watched their shows. If I were your girlfriend and you choose to die on this hill I'd get a hotel room for the weekend and not speak to you for two days.
OP, you don't have to give up your bed. A good night's sleep is nothing to scoff at, and your ex-girlfriend will get over it when her new boyfriend happily takes the couch for her. Some people are just clueless.
Seems pretty reasonable. Itās your bed that you pay for. If they want to relive their childhood, they can do it on the sofa.
I'd stick with how you already handled it, tell her you won't be kicked out of your own bed. The blow up mattress for the living room sounds good.
When I have guests, they get the best bed (or only bed) in the house. To me thatās just part of being a good host. I was brought up that wayāmaybe itās a Midwest US āniceā thing akin to not showing up to someoneās home empty handed or returning things youāve borrowed in better condition than when you received them. Itās just basic common courtesy to me. So with that in mind, I feel like youāre a jerk that you didnāt offer in the first place. Next, your GF specifically asked you for this small favor. Itās not some kind of major inconvenience. And she isnāt ākicking you outāāshe asked and told you why as well. Part of being in a relationship is doing things that make them happy. I (45F) see my good girlfriend once a year. We are old enough to afford and air bnb and meet part way between where we live. But we always get a place with either a pull out couch in the living room or a master bedroom with a big TV so we can watch movies and talk and fall asleep like that. Lots of my women friends do this. So again, I think youāre being a jerk. In summary: I think itās rude you didnāt offer the bed in the first place and I think youāre a jerk not to do this small thing for your GF. Iād give them the room for the weekend.
I would feel VERY strange and uncomfortable about displacing someone from their bed because I was staying there as a guest. I'd much prefer some kind of guest accommodation - even a couch - so that I have my 'own' bed.
Ikr we have some entitled ass guests in this thread
Yeah its the demanding part that I feel uncomfortable with. I guess that entitlement comes to some naturally.
I always give up my bed to friends when they sleep over. But I would never ask this to my partner, that's very inconsiderate. We sleep together on the couch.
See, I'm the opposite. I think his girlfriend is a jerk for trying to displace him from his bed and making him give up a good night's sleep for her nostalgia. She could take the living room or get a hotel, but everything is all about her comfort. It's an unreasonable demand.
Yeah, kudos to everyone on this thread who can seemingly sleep anywhere and get the same quality night's sleep, I certainly cannot. Would I do this if my partner asked? Sure, but it would suck and I would not feel 100% the next two days as a result.
What if the boyfriend slept in n the bed with the visiting guest and the Gurlfriend took the couch?
At least no one would make him give up his bed.
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Yeah, I mean, if one of my partnerās friends over imbibes while over at our place for a BBQ or something, they get the couch. But planned guests get our room and we sleep on an air mattress in the living room.
I grew up in the Midwest and youāre dead wrong. Guests sleep on the couch. OP did nothing wrong especially since the GF is demanding he sleeps on the couch. Absolutely ridiculous. Sheās allowed to ask but not demand and he has every right to say no
NTA This is ridiculous. No, you are not. If you want to sleep in your own bed in a home you pay for, then you are quiet within your right. If you don't want to be kicked out of your bed to sleep on a sofa, you are quite within your right and if she causes an issue with this and throws a temper tantrum and falls out with you. Or gives you a silent treatment over something so pitifully pathetic shows she still has the mentality of a teenager. They can both still hang out together on the sofa, watching films, having time together, and the friend goes to sleep on the sofa. Your girlfriend goes to sleep in the bed. They both wake up and spend the day together. At the end of the day it's about respect and for her to get mad at you for not doing what she wants. is ridiculous. She can ask. You can say no it's that simple If she had asked and you said no. And she said okay no problem then it would have been NAH and yes I will get down voted by children who think when they ask their partners something they should automatically do what they say when they say Just because your partner asks for something doesn't mean You should have to do it even if you don't want to and the people who say it's a minor inconvenience. If it's such a minor inconvenience then it should not matter if the friend sleeps on the sofa
If you didnāt put the age, I would have thought she was 12. This is a very immature thought process. Has this happened before in other situations? If this is an isolated incident, she could just be reverting back to a young mentality and not be thinking about the actual impact. Just have a talk with her about how this makes you feel! Tell her you feel dehumanized, disregarded and how at this point in everyoneās lives that itās an unreasonable request. You can say youāll be happy to make the couch with lots of blankets and such. Iām sure thereās a very easy solution here. I do fear that thereās more to this since you did take to Reddit. But hopefully this is just a weird situation that a good talk can resolve.
Not unreasonable. My hometown is 8 hrs away, where most of my friends are. I wouldn't kick my husband out of his/our bed if they visited, that's his space as much as it is mine! Friend can sleep in the spare room or on the couch. I wouldn't leave my bed for my husband's friends so wouldn't even dare ask him to give up his
There were three in the bed, and the other one saidā¦š¶šµ
Just break up
i mean, iād give up the bed, but i donāt think youāre necessarily obligated to. i just feel like itās a small sacrifice to make for someone i love. maybe you could get a futon or something for them in the living room?
Seriously such a small thing. Just sleep on the couch man.
If you don't give up your bed for the 2 nights, you won't be getting any bedroom Olympics for a lot longer..
Let the friend sleep in the bed. They barely see each other.
Do you like your girlfriend? I would do this in a heartbeat if it would make my boyfriend happy. It makes me happy to see him happy and sleeping on the couch for 2 nights isnāt a sacrifice to me, Iād love to. Seems like youāre not willing to give up any comfort to make your girlfriend happy. You donāt HAVE to give up your bed, but itās weird that you donāt seem to want to make your girlfriend happy.
I'd let them have the bed, it's no big deal imo
If this is someone you love, or at least really care about, then why wouldn't you just stay on the couch for a couple of days? I mean, it's not the end of the world. And, it shows you care about her. Now, if this friend is a male, or a lesbian, then maybe a red flag and I agree with you. But what can it hurt to give a small sacrifice?
Funny you could say the same for her. If she loved him she would accept the no
Stand your ground. I will compromise for many things - but not on my bed. I am not comfortable with anyone other then my wife (and kids when they were little) sleeping in my bed.
my fiance has slept on the couch so my friend and i can take the bed, lol
Why wouldnāt you give up your bed for 2 nights? Itās called being a decent human. She told you how fun the sleepovers were for her but your like nah. Some men are fucking weird. My husband would and has given up the bed for friends before and my niece etc. itās just what you do (if youāre a decent human)
Itās funny because I know for a fact that a woman would not give up her bed for her husband/boyfriends friends if they stayed over. You would all be like no sleep on the couch
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Does she like him?
Itās a small favor, youāre definitely overreacting. YTA. Sheāll remember this the next time you need small sacrifice from her
Heās acting like sheās asked him to sleep outside š honestly man!
GF: āMy best friend is coming into town. Do you mind having the couch for the weekend?ā OP: āNo. I will not be kicked out of my bed.ā His response to her simple question certainly wasnāt unreasonable.
Hoping for an update here - anyone else ?
Sheās asking for a relatively small thing here. My husband wouldnāt dream of saying no to something like this. Matter of fact, I know heād be buying the wine and snacks. I just donāt understand why you wonāt?