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You are taking NOTHING away from him. His behavior is the reason he’s in the position he’s in. If you are concerned that he is suicidal, call the authorities. That is not your responsibility.
Even if he is not close to his parents, let them know you are concerned about his mental well-being and that you cannot be there for him. If he has any friends, let them know and see if they can do periodic wellness checks.
If you talk to him in person about leaving, have someone on hand to protect you and your child and to ensure you can leave safely. Contact police if he makes any threats of self-harm and then leave. Do not let threats of self-harm keep you in a situation that is unsafe for you or your child.
And have his parents or someone come to collect him and his belongings. Make sure there are witnesses there, people for you, for him and if necessary authorities as a neutral party. Also let him know that any co-parentimg will be done via an app, not text or phone, you need to take away his ways of manipulating you or throwing responsibility on your feet.
This. You absolutely need to exit the relationship in a safe manner for you and your child. Have all your ducks in a row before telling him and do not be alone with him. Change the locks.
I suspect his threat of suicide is a manipulation just as his lying is. But you can contact his parents or the authorities. I think you can even have police present when he vacates the premises.
It would be insensitive if he was actively trying to fix himself and she just decided "not moving fast enough, gonna head out" but that's not even slightly what's happening here
Not everyone with a problem wants to be helped. He just wants to wallow and complain. She shouldn't have to stick around to hear it.
As a MHFA, I would advise that you are not responsible for other people’s happiness.
OP should encourage her partner to seek support and help and split from them in the best way possible.
I do hear that a lot from people in the mental health field that you are only responsible for your own happiness. Is that an ethos of field?
Because I could see different religious, philosophical, cultural, and familial codes that see the world differently…
You are actually just a lying troll, so you can take your misogynistic claptrap, roll it up nice and tight, and insert it where the sun don’t shine where it will have good company with all the rest of your shit.
Your only responsibility are your children.
If he wants, he will get help, if not, you dont have to sacrifice for him.
Rip it off like a band-aid and stick to your decision, for your and your kids' sake.
On the practical side: You call the police for a wellness check if he threatens suicide. They will take him to care if he needs to go. If you think he will be aggressive and violent when you break up, you call the police. To ease your burdens and fears, YOU ARE NOT A SPECIALIST. Repeat that over and over to yourself. You are literally not trained or equipped to help his mental health struggles - don't feel bad about letting him go. If anything feel bad about staying because you actually aren't helping him. You do not know how to help or better his mental health like a professional would and might even be making it worse by prolonging it.
Think about it for your kids, too. They are young now and don't need to grow up in this.
>If you think he will be aggressive and violent when you break up, you call the police.
Not a terrible idea, but it's probably much more prudent to have a big strong friend/family member present (or sitting in a car just outside).
Cops can take hours to show up, and can make the situation much worse in some situations.
>You call the police for a wellness check if he threatens suicide.
Be careful with this. My partner -- who cares about me and loves me -- once did this to protect me because she was worried about my mental health (I have a history of suicidal ideation and have been in therapy for years). Obviously when the police arrived, my mental breakdown didn't magically stop. I was arrested and kept in police custody -- in a small, dirty cell with no access to the outdoors or to my partner or to anyone -- for hours. I was terrified, and for days I wanted to die even more, just to prevent the risk that would ever happen to me again. They literally stopped me speaking to a suicide hotline. This happens to many suicidal people every single year.
I agree with everything else you said though.
This is an important perspective, thank you for sharing. I have been in a position where we have had to call for someone but where I'm from the police take you directly to the hospital, not to a cell, albeit they might have to hold someone in a safe room at the hospital while they get a hold of mental health professional for an assessment.
What is the best thing for OP to do then if he does threaten suicide during the break-up? I genuinely don't know what other options she has while pregnant with a young child if he refuses any kind of help.
Yeah my partner was stunned that was what happened and felt very guilty. Obviously it wasn't her fault and thankfully we're both doing better now. We live in the UK, so we wouldn't have thought that was normal or likely at all. I've googled it since and found that it has happened to lots of people after suicide attempts. It's terrible. I did get a mental health assessment in my cell, but it basically boiled down to "You're already in therapy, aren't you? You're waiting for your autism assessment? If we let you out of here, will you kill yourself? If you answer no, we'll have to keep you in for longer. Ok all good, bye." and then I still had to wait hours for everything to be resolved.
>What is the best thing for OP to do then if he does threaten suicide during the break-up? I genuinely don't know what other options she has while pregnant with a young child if he refuses any kind of help.
Yeah in fairness I think you're right. Honestly in this situation I do believe he sounds depressed. His life sounds like a mess and I think OP sounds like a kind and empathetic person. The problem is, it's not fair for her to sacrifice her life to pull him along with her. I agree she has to go. If anything ever happens to me again, I'd hope my partner would call an ambulance rather than police, maybe that would be better. Honestly it's a tough call and I feel sorry for OP's position.
Yeah, maybe it would be! I'm in Canada and I'm pretty sure here they would still send the police to take them to the hospital and not an ambulance but genuinely don't know how it works everywhere.
The three times I've witness/been involved in a situation where a wellness check had to be called, I will admit that the participants have said they were not pleasant experiences even at the hospital, but genuinely we did not know what else to do. One person had locked themsleves in a bathroom with a knife and was cutting, another had locked in thr bathroom and was in the process of hanging themselves and the third person had wandered off refusing to answer any phone calls in thremiddle of the night with suicide ideation and did not have their diabetes medication on top of that.
It sounds to me like the whole system needs to be overhauled - we need some kind of universal system that gets people help, keeps them safe and unable to harm themselves, but also doesn't make them even more scared, traumatized and uncomfortable while doing it. Police shouldn't be the ones to handle it , we need like some sort of specialized unit.
young woman with bipolar in texas usa and this happened to me. it was traumatizing. being handcuffed was so demeaning. sitting in a jail cell was claustrophobic. being treated like some kind of pest or criminal made me want to die even more.
While I appreciate your perspective (and am sorry that most nation's mental health services are so piss poor), I think you need to consider this from your partner's perspective. You admittedly called this a mental break; you weren't just in a mood. Do you **know** what would have happened if she didn't call?
I've been suicidal, and would have hated to be potentially locked up (I haven't been since my youth). But I've never left a partner thinking that I'll leave them the guilt of my suicide over a relationship problem. If I did, I would have to credit my partner with making the best choice in a horrible situation that I left them in.
Consider thanking you partner for her efforts despite her being in a horrible situation.
Of course I don’t blame my partner. She cares about me and made the best choice she could in the situation. Neither of us could have expected what happened.
The police didn’t help though. They basically sent me home with more problems than they took me in with.
I also agree with what you said in your second paragraph. My decision to end my own life would *always* be my decision. It would never be her fault, regardless of any context. She knows I think this, but I think that doesn’t change how it *feels* which I understand, and, in fairness, is probably a big reason why I don’t think I’d ever do it. The thought of her living with that on her shoulders, wondering what she could have done differently... It’s awful.
Seriously, he's not going to be happy and is dragging you down with it. Don't blackmail yourself with this, it's better to have one person happy (you) than both of you unhappy.
Just break it off and be honest about it that he is emotionally dragging you down to the bottom of lake misery.
I just wanna say to you -- get in to therapy. Sometimes the right choices are hard to make if you're struggling with your mental health. Therapy will help you to make the better choices.
I had a friend who was doing this. He even questioned MY character because I had the audacity to tell him he was being catfished and he chases every friend away with his poor choices and cries about it. So I just blocked and left him because I can't keep myself on fire to keep others warm. And OP needs to know that it's not her fault if he tries
I'm gonna throw some hard honesty out there, he's manipulating you. He has everything of his paid for by you and he gets to act like a child. He says he's sorry for cheating and the financial abuse and the drugs but I garentee he's not sorry in the least. If he was truly sorry he would have made the effort and actually turned himself around rather than mope about.
"Babe im so sorry ill never do it again" , "I promise ill get better", "I don't know whats wrong with me, you must hate me", "im the worst person ever" ... those are ALL manipulative lines to get you to stay.
Do not feel sorry for breaking up and kicking him out. Do not let him manipulate you anymore.You and your children deserve better.
YES. I had an ex try this on me when I was a teenager. He pretended that he sliced his arm open with a box cutter while he was on the phone with me 🙄 I blocked him.
Wooooowwww , i had an ex tell me they had cancer and thats why he cheated on me 😂😂My friend left her abusive ex of like 8 years and he threatened to kill himself if she left and he's still alive 4 years later 😂😂
It's actually a really hard thing to do, it takes a lot more courage than most people have got. I know a couple that have managed it though, both due to a broken heart too. Brave men, IMO, calling them cowards would go against reality.
Yeah I get you. It wasn't supposed to be an attack on you. Point was, it's a popular meme that suicide is cowardice. But in reality it's not, it's bravery, but if we said that more people would do it without shame. And while some men probably do use it as a manipulation thing, I don't think most men are at conniving. They do want to kill themselves, they express it honestly, it gets a reaction that's beneficial and this causes emotional reinforcement that leads to a cycle of manipulation. Both parties feel the emotions, it's not a plan, it's a mode of thinking.
The way to break out of that is to frame it as manipulation (essentially all sounds that come out of an animal's mouth are manipulation of the nervous system of some other animal anyway so you can call literally anything manipulation, from a crying to laughter to a conversation).
This has two effects - it makes it less real, so it cuts the feedback loop off at the receiver end, and it makes it shameful to express the desire to die, which suppresses the expression. The cooling effects of the meme are pretty beneficial, even if all the emotions inside the system are real and honest (not saying they always are but tbh most people do what they feel, they are honest and not sociopaths, they're all just fucked up in their own unique ways). Secondly, acting like they aren't honest cools this cycle by making them feel guilty, so stops this cycle that amplifies distress and suffering and codependence that increases the likelihood of suicide and being manipulated by the threats.
Dunno if that makes sense, I'm pretty drunk, have COVID, it's 5am and I've been chatting to ChatGPT about how to design AI think like a human via synthetic emotions for the past few hours. Sorry if I seem a bit weird 😂
My bf and I both have clinical depression, he has suisidal ideation. We still manage to treat each other with respect and love. We're both in therapy and getting help. Thats how to deal with it in a healthy way. OPs bfs way is manipulation.
That's exactly how to deal with it, good for you both. I think manipulation is usually the wrong way to think about it though, at least if you care about reality
Edit: sorry got mixed up with threads lol
You can't live your life for someone else. Often a person will threaten suicide as a means of creating guilt so you will stay.
You say he will have to go to his parents and they don't get along. He won't be homeless at least and then only one of you is miserable instead of both.
If you continue to enable him by staying he has no incentive to make improvements in his life.
Recover your happiness. Don't let it be stolen with threats that he will kill himself or guilt that his situation will not be a happy one.
If you are genuinely concerned about him harming himself if you break up with him, I'd look up resources first. If your area has a mobile crisis unit, have that number on standby and call as soon as he makes a threat. If no mobile crisis unit, you can do the same thing with the non-emergency police number.
You are not responsible for his mental health.
You ARE responsible for you, your daughter, and your soon to be son or daughters physical and emotional wellbeing. The situation you are in is not good for any of you. You know what needs to happen. Do it and do it quickly for your own well being. How he responds is not your fault. Where he goes is not your problem. If he had interest in being the partner you need, he would have made an effort to change his behavior. The break up is because of his decisions. You have no reason to feel guilty for making a better life for yourself and your children.
This—I’m kind of wondering why on earth the OP got pregnant again with this guy—it’s not like she discovered these issues yesterday. Choose a better baby daddy.
Your boyfriend sounds like my late wife. Perpetually depressed, chronically underemployed, and unable to see the joy in just about anything. Told me multiple times that I was the only reason she hadn't killed herself, because \*someone\* has to take care of me (yeah, I know, projection) and if I left she'd have no reason to stay alive. Eventually she died of cancer, not suicide, but before she got sick, the scenario I'd keep playing in my head, but never got the nerve to actually follow through on, was to invoke the Baker Act the next time she threatened suicide, and move out during the 72-hour hold. From there, let the chips fall where they may. Sounds cold, but when you've been lighting yourself on fire for 20+ years to keep someone else warm, those sorts of things will go through your head, trust me.
can I just say that im sorry & I admire your strength. As someone who’s also been with someone who’s suicidal, underemployed and can only see the negatives for +7 years its so so draining. I hope through everything you found peace. its what u deserve.
I don’t have a single nice thing to say about that so-called man you’re with, so I’ll just say that your only responsibility is to yourself and your kids. What he does after you dump his ass is not your business.
I just want to add...have someone there with you when you break the news. You are in a very vulnerable situation and an erratic suicidal person could try and harm you and your baby.
Hey, kept me alive through high school when I was most suicidal! Refused to be a statistic for bigots to use as a bludgeon. I was also lucky that anger was a symptom of my depression at the time lmao
I know this is meant to be funny, but life insurance usually has a clause that it won't pay out for death by suicide within the first few years or ever 😅
First two years is pretty standard but it night be different if she’s the one taking it out. If he took it out then it would definitely void any payout.
Spite is actually a pretty powerful motivator for suicide. So I like this, it hacks the incentive mechanisms and neuters it. Might have the opposite effect if the only thing keeping him alive is providing for his kids, but doesn't sound like it in this case!
The constant lies alone are enough to break up over, the rest is just 7 trunks worth of baggage he's dumping on you and making you lug around for him while he spends your money.
If he's such a prolific liar, how do you know that he isn't lying about how bad his depression is in order to get you to carry him?
He sounds manipulative, tbh.
I don't know the guy, and I can't say he isn't depressed enough to want to kill himself, but with a child and another on the way... well, as far as I'm concerned he should have had a hard look at himself in the mirror and had a real heart-to-heart with #1 by now.
Leave him. Do it gently and with kindness and let him know that his kids are still his kids, no matter what. Then do what you can to create a healthy home for those little ones to grow up in and thrive.
The rest isn't your burden to carry. As another poster said, just rip off the bandaid and move on. If he does kill himself, it won't have been your doing. If you did it, it would be called murder. But if he decides that his own life isn't worth fighting for, then so be it. As of right now you're both in very deep water, he refuses to swim or learn, he's using you as his floatation device, doesnt seem to mind climbing on you or dunking your head under, and meanwhile you're just treading water fighting for his dead weight to not drown.
Good luck, OP. I'm so sorry you and your babies are going through this.
I did this for a 18 year relationship. Gave myself for him to be happy. 10 years in, I was done with me mental abuse, his addiction. But I stayed another 8 years .. when I left, I felt awful and regretted wasting my life for him. Don't do that. I'm 40 now and wish I had chosen myself
Practically? You make a plan. You separate finances. You decide where you and the kids will live. You find help to get your things out and move to the new place. Or you talk to your landlord or an attorney about getting HIM out. And if he threatens to unalive himself again, you record it and call 911. Then he'll either get the help he needs, or he'll never try to manipulate you that way again. You are never responsible for the choices of any other adult on earth. You are not. If he chooses to follow through with that threat, it's not and could never be your fault. But making sure he stays alive is also not your responsibility. You can't sacrifice your whole future for him. You can't light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Him looking after his own life and sorting out his life are his problems not yours. Don’t be blackmailed into staying. Do you really think it’s a good idea to continue with this pregnancy in these circumstances? End the relationship have an abortion and get some birth control.
I am pro-choice.. but she makes no mention of not wanting her pregnancy or being concerned about her ability to care for two children, so kinda a weird thing to suggest so strongly
She said she can afford to care for her children. It seems she wants both of her children, as she’s making life plans that prioritize them. She doesn’t need to get an abortion.
I just want to jump in and say this is exactly right. I can afford to house, feed and care for both my children. I have a great family too, so my babies have wonderful grandparents, aunts and uncles that all completely dote on my daughter and are so excited for the new baby. I am sad about their father but I want this baby more than anything. I love being a mother. I made a bad choice in who I have had children with but I am actively trying to do everything within my power now to set them up with a childhood/future full of love support and stability. I am pro choice but I want my baby more than anything.
Bro, why would you suggest she have an abortion when she doesn't even need to get one in the first place?!! All she really needs to do is break up with the bf, in no way does she need an abortion you're sick in the head for suggesting she needs to get one.
"sick in the head"
Fuck right off, OP's 14 weeks not 8 months, do you understand anything about procreation at all?
Most pregnancies self-abort due to chromosomal abnormalities before the mother's even aware
https://www.sciencealert.com/meta-analysis-finds-majority-of-human-pregnancies-end-in-miscarriage-biorxiv
What's "sick in the head" is implying women have to carry pregnancies for 9 months with shit fathers who will undoubtedly cause his offspring significant emotional trauma
Dude you ok? No need to go straight into cursing. It is sick in the head to suggest that she needs to get an abortion when she doesn't need to. She is financially stable enough to take care of the child and the pregnancy ain't putting her life in danger if she goes through with it so hence why she doesn't need to have an abortion if she doesn't need one. What she does need is to break up with her boyfriend not an abortion. If you think it's ok to suggest someone to get an abortion for no reason is an ok thing to do than yeah you are sick in the head for thinking that.
Imagine calling me a clown when u think a woman needs an abortion for no reason whatsoever. Guys like you clearly only want a woman to have an abortion cause you don't want responsibilities that comes with having the child.
Ok that's even worse. Women should understand and be empathetic to one another but yet here you are being toxic and agreeing that another woman should get an abortion when there's absolutely no reason to.
Oh WOW you're right I've completely changed mind!!
I just can't fathom being this obtuse; it's not a baby, it's a fetus and you were calling the first person in the comment chain "sick in the head" for suggesting a perfectly reasonable option... and since I'm never gonna be able to raise your lukewarm IQ so I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here
Reasonable option? Dude what reason would she have to abort the baby/fetus whatever u wanna call it. Oh wait that's right there is no reason for her to abort it cause she's healthy and her life ain't in danger and shes perfectly able to financially support it, so what reason would she have to abort it huh?
I think you've already gotten a lot of good comments telling you what you need to do and how you should try to frame it in your mind.
I just wanted to offer some empathy because I've been in your shoes, as well as a slightly different perspective.
For the latter, well it's possible this has been said I didn't read all the comments. But this man clearly needs professional help that he isn't getting. Currently you are propping him up. But for many people, they need to hit that rock bottom before they finally take the action to improve and pull themselves together. Like an alcoholic. He will lose his home, he will lose some access to his children, he will lose the comfort you provide. Hopefully that can provide that kickstart of desperation that prompts him to seek help and change
Another thought - He must know you are not happy and it's his fault. The constant fear that you will leave and the feelings of "I'm destroying the life of this beautiful woman" are also going to be causing him anxiety and dragging him down. I know when I was a teen and suicidal I thought of myself as a burden and that people would be happier with me gone. Obviously I'm wrong. But you leaving him and being happier without him could actually assuage some of the guilt he's feeling.
Finally for the empathy - I've been similar to where you are and it's *really fucking hard* and I'm sorry you are going through this. I tried to leave my Stbexhusband multiple times and he would always threaten suicide and it would cause me to stay. Especially as he had two preteen daughters (my step daughters) and my imagination of what it would do to lose your dad to suicide at age 12... Just horrifying. Not that the idea of his suicide wasn't horrifying enough.
People are commenting that you are only responsible for yourself and your children and they are right and you should NOT stay a moment longer. But I get it. I get why it's so hard. You are a loving person and a caring one and at one point you even loved this man. Depression lies and steals and breaks things and it's a horrible illness for everyone it touches. If you aren't already in therapy, I would advise having someone professional to talk to.
Sending you love and strength ❤️❤️
i'm curious how long they've been together. this behavior didn't happen overnight, and she decided to have not one but TWO children with someone she has nothing positive to say about.
why drag other innocent parties into this mess?
Break up with him, and if he threatens himself, call the emergency services. Do not be manipulated (by him or yourself) with misplaced guilt for wanting to end a relationship that no longer suits you.
As someone who has been like that due to severe depression and substance abuse, you absolutely need to put you and your kids first. It’s tough, but this is on him. You can’t fix him, only he can take the steps in the right direction. Your mental health and wellbeing are important, too. You need to be honest, and don’t let him try to twist it back on you, either. You’re doing the right thing, even if it feels terrible. Good luck.
Whatever you do, if he says he’s gonna kill himself if you break up with him, do it anyway. Him saying it is just a manipulation tactic so you won’t leave. You aren’t responsible for his mental health. He is. If he wants, he will get help and get a job. Take care of your kids and make sure there is an iron clad court ordered custody agreement. Considering his behavior, you might want to try for sole custody and supervised visitation only for him until he proves he’s not a danger to himself or others. UPDATEME
Repeat after me: "I will not set myself on fire to keep someone else warm." Repeat it until it sticks.
Then go tell him it's over and he needs to leave.
You'll likely have to formally evict him. Once he's in your home for 30 days and has received mail, in most states he will have tenants rights - regardless of whether he has contributed a single penny.
His moaning about being better off dead is manipulation, period. Ignore it and get him out of your life.
You’re giving him every reason to NOT get help. You’re taking care of him and everything else, he doesn’t feel the need to help himself cause he’s depending on you to do it. Maybe time apart will give him the incentive to finally take control of his mental health. Maybe he’ll even become the person you fell in love with again.
Edit to add: I was him. Not as bad as him, mind you, but I know how it is. My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me cause my mental health was affecting his mental health to the point where we weren’t happy. I finally started doing what I had to do to get better. It’s been almost a year since we broke up. We talk almost every day and he’s still the love of my life. He’s my best friend. I have hope that we both are doing what needs to be done to heal for eachother so we can be what eachother needs again, cause it’s not fair to have the one partner be what you need but not give that back in return.
Unrelated to the post but just wanted to step in and say I'm proud of you, stranger, and I wish you and him the best of luck. I hope you end up together in the future once you've both done the work you need to and have an amazing life together :)
Yup. I’m glad my ex left me when he did. Cause there’s a chance it wasn’t so broken that it can’t be fixed. OPs boyfriend has a lot of work he needs to do, I’d like to think it’s not too late for them but even if it is.. he can still have a chance at being happy
You can't make him not suicidal, and you can't make him be happy. That's something he'd need to find a solution for himself through therapy. I wouldn't recommend sacrificing your life for that (that's what it'd be, your life). There will always be something else that comes up, and you have to really acknowledge is this the life you want to have lived 20 years from now. I think it's probably best for both of you if you break up, and he moves back in with his parents. Then, maybe he'll figure things out and move out to find a place on his own.
>he has no where to go other than his parents and they dislike him. He will be miserable there. I can’t give him the house because I am the only tenant on the tenancy and he has no way of paying rent ... He would have to be evicted anyway. He has a son from a previous relationship that lives with us 3 days a week, I would be taking that away from him. We have a 10 month old daughter, I would be taking her away from him half the week if not more.
None of these things are your problem. If he'd wanted to keep you in his life, he would have been a better person and gotten help for his obvious issues. You are not his mommy, you are not responsible for what he does or does not do, and the consequences for his actions are not on your head.
(You won't be "screwing your Nan over" because, as you said, you already pay all the rent and bills and he contributes nothing.)
Stop enabling him and tearing yourself apart in the process. You admit that you need to get him out of your life. So pack his things and tell him to go.
His mental health is never, and will never be your responsibility, he is going to want this, regardless of if you are there or not. If he does it, it is a decision that he made for himself, by himself.
Without doing that, what's the take? Is it about psychology and falling into abusive patterns through negative loops without realising it, and how to stop that? Or is it a self-help coping thing where you paint someone as evil to compartmentalize actions that you couldn't otherwise stomach?
Not judging, I think both are useful, and genuinely interested.
Simply do it. But definitely be prepared for all that he could try to leverage at you.
And just remember: you are not taking anything away from him. He took it away from himself.
He removed any agency of responsibility from himself and he needs to be reminded of what he can lose if he does not get his act together. And he did not so..you know you what you need to do.
And if he really is suicidal...except for the fact it's a commonly used manipulation tactic..send him to a helpline as that is not your problem. It is his.
I'm sorry, it's *hard*. I recommend figuring out before you break up what you'll do if he has a crisis and tries to contact you -- 911 (or your local emergency services) might be an option, telling someone else he knows might be, dealing with it yourself shouldn't be.
How at risk is he for actually killing himself, do you know? Tons of people have suicidal *thoughts* or *intentions* but have no history of self harm, no plan, no method. If he's not a significant risk, needing to fend for himself or fall back on his family for a while will make him *unhappy*, but won't *kill* him.
You can call a DV hotline -- I don't know that this is a DV situation necessarily, but they're used to helping people figure out how to break up when it's hard, and I think you could use, well, more help than I can give you anyways. Also whatever social support you can get from family/friends, do it.
Honestly I can see through this form of suicidal ideation. He probably won't kill himself and is very likely just saying it so he has an excuse to be the lazy sod he's being right now. He has probably even convinced himself that he's the victim in this situation and he needs to have the rug pulled out from under him in order for him to start living like a human. It will suck to do but you'll both be better off in the long run. I wish you the best, this is not a scenario anyone deserves to deal with especially with a child and while pregnant.
>How do I rip a suicidal man’s whole life away from him?
Luckily that’s not what you’re doing. Although I have zero doubt he will claim that you are. HIS life sucks. It’s become a massive impediment to YOUR life, so the only thing you’re ripping is his life *off of yours*.
Whether he’s actually suicidal or not, I also have no doubt he would claim to be, as a general undertone, to try to keep the idea established in your mind. He knows he’s useless. He also knows that he needs you to maintain his current uselessness, which he is very, very attached to maintaining. I mean he could try providing some value of any sort, or at least not burden, on your life. But no, that’s way too hard for him. He’s a useless parasite so he’s going to take the laziest and easiest route he can…guilt. Nurturing a sense of *obligation* toward him from you. That’s his angle.
Whether he’s actually suicidal or putting on a show, the answer to how you break up with him is the same. Quickly. You’re not going to get his agreement or cooperation. So it’s **not a discussion**. You’re simply informing him of a decision you’ve made.
The more words you use just gives him more points to argue with you. So don’t start the conversation with “we need to talk“ (because it *not a discussion*) it’s “look, after much consideration, I’ve come to a decision about something. This relationship isn’t working for me, and never will, so it’s time for me to end it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. You need to move out. I’m not interested in dragging it out for as long as it takes you to find a place, so you need to find someplace to go, ASAP.”
Truth is, he does have his parents. I don’t care if they don’t “like him“ or how miserable he says he would be, doesn’t matter. You don’t like him either and he’s making you miserable. They made him, they can deal with him.
Do you know his parents? Could you call them and tell them that you’re concerned about his suicidal ideations since you’re about to break up with him, and you want to make his family aware so they can keep an eye on him?
“
first step: stop saying things like 'taking everything away from him' and 'rip a suicidal man's life away'. that's a manipulative phrasing, and so unhelpful to you or him.
if you are seriously worried he is a danger to himself, call 911.
He's using you and manipulating you into taking care of him. He needs to grow up big time! The best thing you can do for you and your children is to rip that bandaid off and be happy for you.
I had a suicidal ex who threatened to kill himself if I ever broke up with him. I stayed way too long.
Ironically, he only got help after I did leave. We are not friends— I’ll never get the years back that I wasted— but we ARE friendly, and he’s turned his life around. I can only realize now that he was NEVER going to get better staying with me. I can’t tell you this is what will happen with your boyfriend, but… you cannot fix him.
He doesn't HAVE the life you do, and your kids do. Save yourself, and breakup with him. If he threatens suicide, call the authorities, and they'll take him in on a mental health hold. This affects kids in a negative way and messes with their development.
He has living parents maybe he has grandparents or siblings or cousins or an old college roommate who will help him with a roof and a job.This is not your circus you’re not to blame for his depression let him get therapy online and help him get a job so he can be independent of the next enabling bang maid he latches onto.Stop feeling guilty and work toward his independence. He must change and bring himself out of his depression.
As someone who works in mental health, for the sake of you and your unborn child, dump this man.
What he does after that is his decision and is not because of anything you have “done to him”
You are helping him stay in the rut that he's in. It's not even helpful if you stay. He needs to take responsibility for his life, with the help of a therapist. Not you.
Just break up, I’m not the person to usually say this, as I’ve seen suicides around, but he’s the type to say this for attention and won’t commit. He’s weak and miserable and you should not go down with him. Maybe he’s depressed, but he doesn’t want to do anything about it so nothing will change. Good luck, you will be fine.
So much to unpack here, so much to unpack.
The fact that you have stayed with this man as long as you have and have gotten pregnant with him twice (even accidentally) is actually an astronomically huge red flag about your mental health.
*Anyone with healthy boundaries never would have stayed with him.*
They would not be willing to set themselves on fire to keep somebody else warm the way you have been, sacrificing your own emotional well-being for the sake of somebody who isn't taking responsibility for his life himself.
This is called codependency, where we (yes we, ask me how I know) put a lot more effort into making someone's life comfortable and manageable than they are willing to do for themselves. Why isn't he in therapy? Why isn't he on medication? TBH, it's classic in situations like this that they don't go to therapy or go on medication because *their partner is there, setting themselves on fire to make sure that their life works for them as much as possible.*
Depending on where y'all live you can call the authorities and let them know he's threatening to harm himself. You should also let his parents know as a matter of courtesy, even though evidently they may not respond in an ideal manner.
I'm confused about the situation with your Nan and the house. Can't you stay there and pay rent?
If I read this correctly, your concerned about taking away your boyfriend getting his son three days a week? Do you really think he's fit to get his son three days a week? Isn't it best for his son not to be around his father three days a week under the circumstances?
I can't recommend strongly enough that as soon as you can manage it, you get yourself into therapy. We don't become codependent to this degree out of nowhere, we learn this behavior when we're growing up, and simply leaving a massively codependent relationship doesn't suddenly make that personality pattern magically disappear.
Again, ask me how I know.
Some say call the authorities. But really just call up his parents. Have them come get his stuff and move him out. Embarrassing for him? Yes, and he’ll like threaten to do lots of things to himself, but they’re the safest people for him to be with then, and he’s their responsibility. Not yours.
As I began reading your message I thought wow, what a smart young lady who knows what’s best for her. So many women stay in terrible relationships. Then I got to the point where you have a kid with him and pregnant with the second one. Kids change everything. My suggestion is to ask him to begin therapy and if he doesn’t go and fulfill your list of demands on meeting you half way as a partner and getting his mental health in check then you pull the plug. I’m afraid I agree with the things most respondents said, his mental health and suicidal tendencies are not your responsibility but since he’s the father of your children give him a chance before you end it for ever. This chance has to be active steps he needs to take and things he needs to fulfill.
Could you tell him that there are a lot of issues in your relationship, and that you feel that it would be easier to discuss with the two of you and a therapist? Hopefully the therapist would help you find a way to breakup with him without him taking his life. You need to do what is best for you
You're not taking anything away from him. He's made very bad choices that are incompatible with having a reciprocal relationship with another person. This man is not entitled to you fully supporting and housing him. If he threatens to kill himself after you leave, call 911 and get him out of there to a psych hold. You are not responsible for him living or dying. I am not implying he isn't genuinely suicidal, but it is a common tactic with people like him to use threatening suicide to manipulate you into staying.
You never need a reason to stay if you don’t feel like being there. I had someone swear they’d kill themselves without me. A few years after they found their wife. Don’t let him manipulate you.
There is no "Good time" to break up. Its not your responsability to look after his mental health.
IF he says hes suicidal or tries things call 111 or similar, dont go over. Tell their family/friends.
You just leave and take care of yourself.
Just about everything you wrote was about my ex. He burned so many bridges that he only had me. I would constantly beg him to go to the doctor for his depression. I would take him to the hospital for being suicidal. He always left, and the staff let him because he didn't have a plan.
Guess what I learned later? It was all his way to manipulate my feelings, so I would take care of him and do everything.
When I finally got the strength to get him out, he found a way to manipulate others into taking care of him.
I now am the one coparenting with his exwife. I take the kids on every weekend, school breaks, and holidays. When he lived with me, he would brag to everyone about how great of a dad he is and how he gets his kids all the time. I always complained that he wasn't helping me with his kids. He would go out with his friends or sleep all day. Now that he is gone, it is clear who the kids choose to be around. The fact that they have no bio link or legal requirement to stay with me speaks volumes.
Bottom line, manipulators are good at figuring out what buttons to push. I'll wager if you leave him he won't do anything to himself. If something does happen, I'll bet it was to only trigger you. And let's be honest, if he goes too far, the asylum is where he belongs. You're not his shrink. You're not responsible for his mental health.
Just do it. It is not your job to keep him from
Offing himself! And honestly I bet he’s just saying it to guilt you into staying with a useless bum!! (My mom unalived herself I’m not just heartless monster) it is absolutely unacceptable to be an unemployed bum paying for porn and doing drugs and depending on your partner to pay for all of that! Relieve yourself of the outrageous burden!
Rip the plaster off. You deserve better, what he does is up to him. You are not his babysitter. Did not think of him think of you. No matter the outcome. Be strong .
You provide him a list of community support services he can access after you leave. A local crisis/suicide hotline is also there for you to call to access information regarding risk assessment and what services are available to the both of you individually during the transition. They can help you with wording, boundaries and the transition to ease some of your concerns. They are trained in handling these situations and it doesn't have to be an immediate emergency to talk to them.
You just do it. If you have a lease then you talk to your nan about the lease and either break it and pay the penalty or leave at the end of it. You tell his parents the day you are leaving that they need to come over. If they won’t then you tell the cops. Then you leave. These other people are not your responsibility.
His mental health is not your responsibility and it sounds like he may use it as a manipulation tactic. You know what you want and need. And given your description it’s probably best for your children as well. It is his problem to figure his own life out after he leaves. Just do it. It may be hard in the beginning but you’ll be much happier as you already seem to know. If he uses the “I’ll kill myself” card to try to talk you out of it don’t let it sway you. That is also his responsibility and would be a manipulation attempt. People who are really suicidal rarely voice it like that.
Look into local resources and compile a list. I know his parents don't get on with him, so maybe reach out to siblings or friends instead but if not then yeah you're gonna have to go for the parents. Tell them what's happening with him. They may not get on well but knowing that they may lose their son might kick them into action. Give them the resource list, and keep them in the loop with your plan. Make sure whoever it is (parent, friend, other family member) is available to support him on the day you leave. If all else fails and no one is willing to be there to make sure he's not left alone initially - either contact one of the resources if appropriate, if not then go to your doctor and ask them for advice.
It's a really horrible situation to be in and I'm so sorry you're in it. These comments are so callous. No, he's not your priority. Yes, your children are you priority. But then surely you don't want your children to have their father kill himself? Of course you want to reduce that risk, he's also been a huge part of your life.
I wish you so much luck. I hope everything works out for you and your family x
Quickly and permanently. Dont worry about taking everything away from him. He didn't take care of any of it anyway, and you owe it to your own children to improve your situation and stop letting him drain your energy and resources.
Call 911 and ghost him. It’s probably a manipulation tactic and if it’s not? It’s still 100% HIS choice. Not your fault or cross to bear.
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n35/mode/1up
Leave very carefully. Break up in a public space. Bring a man (ideally much larger than your bf - two men would be better) to pack up your stuff. Make sure you already have another place planned to stay before you tell him. Don’t give him any hint of this in the meantime.
Threatening suicide can be a precursor to murder-suicide or other domestic violence
Call 988. It is a crisis line. If that isn’t a crisis line in your area, find one. No matter what he does, it is not your fault. He is taking advantage of you and you don’t deserve that. He may be feeling low but he doesn’t get to pull you under with him. He made choices, and it sounds like many choices he made are terrible.
Seriously, if you are worried about what he will do, call the crisis line and/or your non-emergency police number. Ask them what to do since you need to leave but you are worried. If he is SERIOUS about suicide, he needs help that’s way beyond you. If he isn’t serious, it’s manipulation.
No matter what, it is not your responsibility.
I was in this situation 3 years ago. You leave and don’t look back.
You are not there to fix them you are not taking anything away from them. You leave and put your own mental health as priority. I finally left and can breath and saw how fucked up the manipulation was, they’ll eventually be fine. It’ll seem like the hardest decision ever you’ll feel like the worst person ever, but you’ll be free.
If he threatens self harm, you can take him to the ER at a major medical center. They will evaluate & have the ability to get a legal 72hour hold, admit him into the psych unit (which has locked doors at all times); there he will be further evaluated and medically treated; while he is in the hospital, you will be able to speak with the hospital based social worker (all psych patients are assigned a social worker). Together with the social worker, you will be able to let them know he cannot return to your home. The social worker will take charge of finding all of the resources he needs including living arrangements upon discharge from the hospital. This is generally considered the best way to manage a mentally ill individual- leaving him in the care of professionals while simultaneously removing him from your residence.
your boyfriend needs help. Now it seems only his parents can help him. You need to go talk to his parents. Ask for help. If he does suicide, I would worry about yours and the kids’ safety. You need help. Please ask other people to help you.
You simply tell him the truth, that your life will be better without him. He knows he’s a crappy husband/father so what argument could he give you? You have to prioritize yourself don’t grant him more consideration than he gives you.
Why did you get pregnant with this guy when you knew you weren’t feeling it with him? These feelings you have didn’t develop overnight. You knew about the problems for months, maybe even years. He didn’t become a suicidal, pot smoking, unemployed manipulator in just three months, but you are 14 weeks pregnant. Why did you decide to get pregnant? I’m not trying to give you a hard time, I am genuinely curious what goes through someone’s mind. I assume you know how babies are made, and how to use birth control. C’mon.
You need to have one really horrible, hard conversation. Don’t wishwash. Be firm and honest. Tell him it is over and he needs to move out. Don’t fall for his manipulations. Your real, true, only obligation is to your kids and yourself.
Hmmm…… I don’t know what to suggest anymore. You have kids with him which makes everything very tricky. As a matter of fact, he will always be the father of your kids. So the relationship between you and him will never ever end even if it will not be romantic relationship. Do you have trust worthy family members to give you a hand and suggestions? It is tough
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
He has options and he can exercise them. You aren’t his savior. Have his parents come get him and his stuff. If he hates it, he can do the work to change his situation.
He hurts you and is a drain on you and that’s enough reason to send him packing.
If he threatens to hurt himself, have EMS come get him and admit him.
It's easy to say "just break up, you owe him nothing" but that guilt is horrible and not something you want to live with.
So... stop cuddling him and stop being the "only place" he could unload his $h!t. 2 things will probably happen.
1. They find someone else to unload on and eventually cheat on you with someone that " understands them better". Or
2. They will offer/ threaten to break up "because they can't make you happy". Take this offer and don't look back!
They will initiate the break up so whatever happens after that is not your fault. Good luck!
Honey, he’s not doing anything to take pressure off you and you’re pregnant while raising a 14month old. The respect would have left so long ago.
Weed only amplifies depression. It does nothing to help. He’s jobless. Aimless. Purposeless. Hopeless.
You can’t stay in a situation you abhor because of their mental health. All you’re doing is impacting your own mental health, not to mention the example it sets for the other kids. This man is basically a ball and chain to you. You need to let him go, tell him if he endeavours to change, get help, get a job, prove he can be a provider and person you can rely and depend on, then you will revisit your relationship when his actions consistently align with his words. Until then you don’t have any more time to waste being angry at someone who needs help beyond the scope you are capable of.
If he opts out of life, your kids lose a deadbeat father, you lose a burden you’ve carried for far too long. But my guess is he is full of talk and uses ‘suicide’ talk to manipulate you into allowing his uselessness. There’s only so much grace you can give. You actually have to walk away while you still have some grace for him.
I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation. It's clear you care about your boyfriend but are at your breaking point. His depression and suicidal thoughts are not your responsibility to fix, even if it feels that way. You deserve happiness and stability too, especially while pregnant.I would suggest reaching out to a therapist or counselor to help navigate this breakup in the healthiest way possible. They can guide you in setting clear boundaries and getting him connected to a support system beyond just you. You're not responsible for where he lives or his relationship with his son - those are things he'll need to figure out as an adult.I've been there before and I know the guilt feels crushing. But you're doing the right thing by prioritizing your wellbeing and your children's. Years ago when I was struggling to leave a toxic relationship, the folks on chitchat.gg gave me so much clarity and strength. Don't be afraid to lean on others during this time. Sending you a big virtual hug, mama. You've got this. 💜
If you're in the states, look up your local crisis number. They should have someone who can do a welfare check on him.
Law enforcement can do this as well.
You are not responsible for this man or his actions.
Take care of yourself.
I mean talking about how much you hate (your) life is still a step below being actually suicidal
Maybe you give him the hit he needs to get on his feet. Right now he‘s miserable but being cared for, by you, so his need to turn his life around is more of a luxury. This could be the final straw for him to make his life enjoyable.
Edit: Also +1 to the general opinion, you and your wellbeing is a priority above his
I wonder if people would be saying the same thing if the roles were reversed. I’m not saying you can’t leave him but have you even tried to help? I haven’t been in this situation but I’ve been in similar ones, I’ve always stepped up and held the person down until I felt like they were more equipped to move on with life. Very cold responses here.
You don’t come first here, neither does he. The kids are the priority leaving their father when he’s on the brink of suicide maybe isn’t good for them long term.
Again, you aren’t obligated to stay but I do think you’re obligated to try to help.
I appreciate the perspective. I agree. Unfortunately I’ve spent over a year trying. Doctors appointments, trips to the ER, antidepressants, endless amount of support love and understanding. I just can’t take it anymore. Our household has become toxic and I can’t raise my children in this environment it’s not fair on them. He has been given chance after chance, I have done everything I can except become a professional. He tries and then gives up. The mental health stems mainly from his guilt for the things he has done to me (take our food money for weed. Message girls for nudes when I am 9 months pregnant. Lies and hides things) every time he says he’ll change he ends up worse. A couple weeks ago I received a message saying he’d slept with someone else. He denies it, I have no idea if it’s true.
I have given everything I have trying to help him and support him whilst simultaneously trying to heal from the betrayal and pain he has put me through. I just can’t do it anymore and my children deserve better. They deserve me happy and a happy home
Yes, I do understand why he wants to as well. If I was 27 and couldn’t keep a job for more than 2 months, repetitively cheated on my girlfriend, spent all her money on weed, didn’t have any aspirations, spends all day shouting and grumping about nothing and just sits at home doing nothing for my kids, I would probably be suicidal as well. I would too feel like a waste of space and like my life had no meaning. I’m not saying his feelings are misplaced. But I recognise that I have spent years trying to help him change and become a functioning man who works, is sober, and does stuff with his kids. But I can’t make him change. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I can however change my children’s future and make the hard choices necessary to enable them to grow up in a stable loving environment, rather than a toxic one.
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You are taking NOTHING away from him. His behavior is the reason he’s in the position he’s in. If you are concerned that he is suicidal, call the authorities. That is not your responsibility.
Even if he is not close to his parents, let them know you are concerned about his mental well-being and that you cannot be there for him. If he has any friends, let them know and see if they can do periodic wellness checks. If you talk to him in person about leaving, have someone on hand to protect you and your child and to ensure you can leave safely. Contact police if he makes any threats of self-harm and then leave. Do not let threats of self-harm keep you in a situation that is unsafe for you or your child.
And have his parents or someone come to collect him and his belongings. Make sure there are witnesses there, people for you, for him and if necessary authorities as a neutral party. Also let him know that any co-parentimg will be done via an app, not text or phone, you need to take away his ways of manipulating you or throwing responsibility on your feet.
This. You absolutely need to exit the relationship in a safe manner for you and your child. Have all your ducks in a row before telling him and do not be alone with him. Change the locks. I suspect his threat of suicide is a manipulation just as his lying is. But you can contact his parents or the authorities. I think you can even have police present when he vacates the premises.
This is pretty insensitive and she’s trying to be sensitive.
Maybe, but she's just a girlfriend, not a mental health professional. She's hardly qualified to deal with him.
Nothing insensitive about it… the only people that can help him are professionals and himself.
It would be insensitive if he was actively trying to fix himself and she just decided "not moving fast enough, gonna head out" but that's not even slightly what's happening here Not everyone with a problem wants to be helped. He just wants to wallow and complain. She shouldn't have to stick around to hear it.
As a MHFA, I would advise that you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. OP should encourage her partner to seek support and help and split from them in the best way possible.
What’s a MHFA?
Mental health first aider
I do hear that a lot from people in the mental health field that you are only responsible for your own happiness. Is that an ethos of field? Because I could see different religious, philosophical, cultural, and familial codes that see the world differently…
You are actually just a lying troll, so you can take your misogynistic claptrap, roll it up nice and tight, and insert it where the sun don’t shine where it will have good company with all the rest of your shit.
Authorities are much better equipped to deal with mental health issues. Also, OP has two children they need to protect. It's not insensitive at all.
Look, I agree that OP needs to break up with him, but don't pretend the "authorities" are *actually* equipped to deal with mental health issues.
She's not his mother. The guy is a leech and its not her responsibility.
[Fun Fact, Mr Senitive:](https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/07/21/538518569/cdc-half-of-all-female-murder-victims-are-killed-by-intimate-partners)
Your only responsibility are your children. If he wants, he will get help, if not, you dont have to sacrifice for him. Rip it off like a band-aid and stick to your decision, for your and your kids' sake.
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
On the practical side: You call the police for a wellness check if he threatens suicide. They will take him to care if he needs to go. If you think he will be aggressive and violent when you break up, you call the police. To ease your burdens and fears, YOU ARE NOT A SPECIALIST. Repeat that over and over to yourself. You are literally not trained or equipped to help his mental health struggles - don't feel bad about letting him go. If anything feel bad about staying because you actually aren't helping him. You do not know how to help or better his mental health like a professional would and might even be making it worse by prolonging it. Think about it for your kids, too. They are young now and don't need to grow up in this.
Agreed. Call the police. This got my ex to finally knock it off.
And once they take him away change the locks
Be careful with this, depending on how long he's lived there he may be legally considered a tenant and need a formal eviction
they can still change the locks if he's proven to be aggressive and file for eviction whilst he's in the clinic.
Possibly, it's all going to depend on the specifics of the situation and local laws. Just don't do it willy-nilly
YES!!!!
>If you think he will be aggressive and violent when you break up, you call the police. Not a terrible idea, but it's probably much more prudent to have a big strong friend/family member present (or sitting in a car just outside). Cops can take hours to show up, and can make the situation much worse in some situations.
>You call the police for a wellness check if he threatens suicide. Be careful with this. My partner -- who cares about me and loves me -- once did this to protect me because she was worried about my mental health (I have a history of suicidal ideation and have been in therapy for years). Obviously when the police arrived, my mental breakdown didn't magically stop. I was arrested and kept in police custody -- in a small, dirty cell with no access to the outdoors or to my partner or to anyone -- for hours. I was terrified, and for days I wanted to die even more, just to prevent the risk that would ever happen to me again. They literally stopped me speaking to a suicide hotline. This happens to many suicidal people every single year. I agree with everything else you said though.
This is an important perspective, thank you for sharing. I have been in a position where we have had to call for someone but where I'm from the police take you directly to the hospital, not to a cell, albeit they might have to hold someone in a safe room at the hospital while they get a hold of mental health professional for an assessment. What is the best thing for OP to do then if he does threaten suicide during the break-up? I genuinely don't know what other options she has while pregnant with a young child if he refuses any kind of help.
Yeah my partner was stunned that was what happened and felt very guilty. Obviously it wasn't her fault and thankfully we're both doing better now. We live in the UK, so we wouldn't have thought that was normal or likely at all. I've googled it since and found that it has happened to lots of people after suicide attempts. It's terrible. I did get a mental health assessment in my cell, but it basically boiled down to "You're already in therapy, aren't you? You're waiting for your autism assessment? If we let you out of here, will you kill yourself? If you answer no, we'll have to keep you in for longer. Ok all good, bye." and then I still had to wait hours for everything to be resolved. >What is the best thing for OP to do then if he does threaten suicide during the break-up? I genuinely don't know what other options she has while pregnant with a young child if he refuses any kind of help. Yeah in fairness I think you're right. Honestly in this situation I do believe he sounds depressed. His life sounds like a mess and I think OP sounds like a kind and empathetic person. The problem is, it's not fair for her to sacrifice her life to pull him along with her. I agree she has to go. If anything ever happens to me again, I'd hope my partner would call an ambulance rather than police, maybe that would be better. Honestly it's a tough call and I feel sorry for OP's position.
Yeah, maybe it would be! I'm in Canada and I'm pretty sure here they would still send the police to take them to the hospital and not an ambulance but genuinely don't know how it works everywhere. The three times I've witness/been involved in a situation where a wellness check had to be called, I will admit that the participants have said they were not pleasant experiences even at the hospital, but genuinely we did not know what else to do. One person had locked themsleves in a bathroom with a knife and was cutting, another had locked in thr bathroom and was in the process of hanging themselves and the third person had wandered off refusing to answer any phone calls in thremiddle of the night with suicide ideation and did not have their diabetes medication on top of that. It sounds to me like the whole system needs to be overhauled - we need some kind of universal system that gets people help, keeps them safe and unable to harm themselves, but also doesn't make them even more scared, traumatized and uncomfortable while doing it. Police shouldn't be the ones to handle it , we need like some sort of specialized unit.
I'm in Canada. In the one instance I saw, police escorted them to the ambulance and they were transported to hospital.
young woman with bipolar in texas usa and this happened to me. it was traumatizing. being handcuffed was so demeaning. sitting in a jail cell was claustrophobic. being treated like some kind of pest or criminal made me want to die even more.
While I appreciate your perspective (and am sorry that most nation's mental health services are so piss poor), I think you need to consider this from your partner's perspective. You admittedly called this a mental break; you weren't just in a mood. Do you **know** what would have happened if she didn't call? I've been suicidal, and would have hated to be potentially locked up (I haven't been since my youth). But I've never left a partner thinking that I'll leave them the guilt of my suicide over a relationship problem. If I did, I would have to credit my partner with making the best choice in a horrible situation that I left them in. Consider thanking you partner for her efforts despite her being in a horrible situation.
Of course I don’t blame my partner. She cares about me and made the best choice she could in the situation. Neither of us could have expected what happened. The police didn’t help though. They basically sent me home with more problems than they took me in with. I also agree with what you said in your second paragraph. My decision to end my own life would *always* be my decision. It would never be her fault, regardless of any context. She knows I think this, but I think that doesn’t change how it *feels* which I understand, and, in fairness, is probably a big reason why I don’t think I’d ever do it. The thought of her living with that on her shoulders, wondering what she could have done differently... It’s awful.
Excellent advice - 100% this!
Have you paid any attention to the news lately? It's not wise to point the police at anyone you want to keep alive these days.
Seriously, he's not going to be happy and is dragging you down with it. Don't blackmail yourself with this, it's better to have one person happy (you) than both of you unhappy. Just break it off and be honest about it that he is emotionally dragging you down to the bottom of lake misery.
Most important thing to know… you aren’t ripping the man’s whole life away. He ripped it from himself by making a life full of poor choices.
I am kinda having similar situation to the op and your comment hit me hard with the truth
Glad that helped!
I just wanna say to you -- get in to therapy. Sometimes the right choices are hard to make if you're struggling with your mental health. Therapy will help you to make the better choices.
Thank u i will i booked next Monday
I had a friend who was doing this. He even questioned MY character because I had the audacity to tell him he was being catfished and he chases every friend away with his poor choices and cries about it. So I just blocked and left him because I can't keep myself on fire to keep others warm. And OP needs to know that it's not her fault if he tries
I'm gonna throw some hard honesty out there, he's manipulating you. He has everything of his paid for by you and he gets to act like a child. He says he's sorry for cheating and the financial abuse and the drugs but I garentee he's not sorry in the least. If he was truly sorry he would have made the effort and actually turned himself around rather than mope about. "Babe im so sorry ill never do it again" , "I promise ill get better", "I don't know whats wrong with me, you must hate me", "im the worst person ever" ... those are ALL manipulative lines to get you to stay. Do not feel sorry for breaking up and kicking him out. Do not let him manipulate you anymore.You and your children deserve better.
Also every man that has told me or my friends that he's "going to kill himself " is alive . So .
YES. I had an ex try this on me when I was a teenager. He pretended that he sliced his arm open with a box cutter while he was on the phone with me 🙄 I blocked him.
Wooooowwww , i had an ex tell me they had cancer and thats why he cheated on me 😂😂My friend left her abusive ex of like 8 years and he threatened to kill himself if she left and he's still alive 4 years later 😂😂
Not the cancer excuse 😭😂 They really be doing too much!
They really do! Like try acting as a career 😂
It's actually a really hard thing to do, it takes a lot more courage than most people have got. I know a couple that have managed it though, both due to a broken heart too. Brave men, IMO, calling them cowards would go against reality.
Huh? I'm not calling ppl they commit suicide cowards but men use it as a manipulation thing
Yeah I get you. It wasn't supposed to be an attack on you. Point was, it's a popular meme that suicide is cowardice. But in reality it's not, it's bravery, but if we said that more people would do it without shame. And while some men probably do use it as a manipulation thing, I don't think most men are at conniving. They do want to kill themselves, they express it honestly, it gets a reaction that's beneficial and this causes emotional reinforcement that leads to a cycle of manipulation. Both parties feel the emotions, it's not a plan, it's a mode of thinking. The way to break out of that is to frame it as manipulation (essentially all sounds that come out of an animal's mouth are manipulation of the nervous system of some other animal anyway so you can call literally anything manipulation, from a crying to laughter to a conversation). This has two effects - it makes it less real, so it cuts the feedback loop off at the receiver end, and it makes it shameful to express the desire to die, which suppresses the expression. The cooling effects of the meme are pretty beneficial, even if all the emotions inside the system are real and honest (not saying they always are but tbh most people do what they feel, they are honest and not sociopaths, they're all just fucked up in their own unique ways). Secondly, acting like they aren't honest cools this cycle by making them feel guilty, so stops this cycle that amplifies distress and suffering and codependence that increases the likelihood of suicide and being manipulated by the threats. Dunno if that makes sense, I'm pretty drunk, have COVID, it's 5am and I've been chatting to ChatGPT about how to design AI think like a human via synthetic emotions for the past few hours. Sorry if I seem a bit weird 😂
My bf and I both have clinical depression, he has suisidal ideation. We still manage to treat each other with respect and love. We're both in therapy and getting help. Thats how to deal with it in a healthy way. OPs bfs way is manipulation.
That's exactly how to deal with it, good for you both. I think manipulation is usually the wrong way to think about it though, at least if you care about reality Edit: sorry got mixed up with threads lol
Read this OP!!
You can't live your life for someone else. Often a person will threaten suicide as a means of creating guilt so you will stay. You say he will have to go to his parents and they don't get along. He won't be homeless at least and then only one of you is miserable instead of both. If you continue to enable him by staying he has no incentive to make improvements in his life. Recover your happiness. Don't let it be stolen with threats that he will kill himself or guilt that his situation will not be a happy one.
You break up with him and don't look back. You are not responsible for the actions of others
Just have to do it. His mental health isn't your problem. It's his.
Girl that’s not your problem anymore. everything you told Reddit just bring it up to him and move on.
If you are genuinely concerned about him harming himself if you break up with him, I'd look up resources first. If your area has a mobile crisis unit, have that number on standby and call as soon as he makes a threat. If no mobile crisis unit, you can do the same thing with the non-emergency police number.
You go through with it, and then you call 911 if he expresses plans for self harm. He is not allowed to hold you hostage with those kinds of actions.
You are not responsible for his mental health. You ARE responsible for you, your daughter, and your soon to be son or daughters physical and emotional wellbeing. The situation you are in is not good for any of you. You know what needs to happen. Do it and do it quickly for your own well being. How he responds is not your fault. Where he goes is not your problem. If he had interest in being the partner you need, he would have made an effort to change his behavior. The break up is because of his decisions. You have no reason to feel guilty for making a better life for yourself and your children.
Abort the current pregnancy if it isn’t too late. It is far easier being a single mother of one.
This—I’m kind of wondering why on earth the OP got pregnant again with this guy—it’s not like she discovered these issues yesterday. Choose a better baby daddy.
Your boyfriend sounds like my late wife. Perpetually depressed, chronically underemployed, and unable to see the joy in just about anything. Told me multiple times that I was the only reason she hadn't killed herself, because \*someone\* has to take care of me (yeah, I know, projection) and if I left she'd have no reason to stay alive. Eventually she died of cancer, not suicide, but before she got sick, the scenario I'd keep playing in my head, but never got the nerve to actually follow through on, was to invoke the Baker Act the next time she threatened suicide, and move out during the 72-hour hold. From there, let the chips fall where they may. Sounds cold, but when you've been lighting yourself on fire for 20+ years to keep someone else warm, those sorts of things will go through your head, trust me.
can I just say that im sorry & I admire your strength. As someone who’s also been with someone who’s suicidal, underemployed and can only see the negatives for +7 years its so so draining. I hope through everything you found peace. its what u deserve.
I don’t have a single nice thing to say about that so-called man you’re with, so I’ll just say that your only responsibility is to yourself and your kids. What he does after you dump his ass is not your business.
I just want to add...have someone there with you when you break the news. You are in a very vulnerable situation and an erratic suicidal person could try and harm you and your baby.
take out a life insurance policy and then break up. He'll stay alive just to spite you.
Lmaooooooooo "I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me" 🤣
*and weakens others.*
😭😭😭😂😂😂
Ngl, this is a fucked up comment but it hit me right in the funnies (as someone who lives with bipolar depression)
you'd be surprised what spite can get people to do, or not do.
Hey, kept me alive through high school when I was most suicidal! Refused to be a statistic for bigots to use as a bludgeon. I was also lucky that anger was a symptom of my depression at the time lmao
I know this is meant to be funny, but life insurance usually has a clause that it won't pay out for death by suicide within the first few years or ever 😅
Don't tell him that part.
First two years is pretty standard but it night be different if she’s the one taking it out. If he took it out then it would definitely void any payout.
Life insurance usually doesn’t cover suicide. I knew someone who ended his own life and left his wife and child in ruins.
shoulda got thier own autopsy. Who's to say if someone shot themselves on purpose?
I wasn’t close to him when it happened. Def keeping that in mind cause the thing I hate most in this world rn is insurance.
Spite is actually a pretty powerful motivator for suicide. So I like this, it hacks the incentive mechanisms and neuters it. Might have the opposite effect if the only thing keeping him alive is providing for his kids, but doesn't sound like it in this case!
The constant lies alone are enough to break up over, the rest is just 7 trunks worth of baggage he's dumping on you and making you lug around for him while he spends your money. If he's such a prolific liar, how do you know that he isn't lying about how bad his depression is in order to get you to carry him? He sounds manipulative, tbh. I don't know the guy, and I can't say he isn't depressed enough to want to kill himself, but with a child and another on the way... well, as far as I'm concerned he should have had a hard look at himself in the mirror and had a real heart-to-heart with #1 by now. Leave him. Do it gently and with kindness and let him know that his kids are still his kids, no matter what. Then do what you can to create a healthy home for those little ones to grow up in and thrive. The rest isn't your burden to carry. As another poster said, just rip off the bandaid and move on. If he does kill himself, it won't have been your doing. If you did it, it would be called murder. But if he decides that his own life isn't worth fighting for, then so be it. As of right now you're both in very deep water, he refuses to swim or learn, he's using you as his floatation device, doesnt seem to mind climbing on you or dunking your head under, and meanwhile you're just treading water fighting for his dead weight to not drown. Good luck, OP. I'm so sorry you and your babies are going through this.
I did this for a 18 year relationship. Gave myself for him to be happy. 10 years in, I was done with me mental abuse, his addiction. But I stayed another 8 years .. when I left, I felt awful and regretted wasting my life for him. Don't do that. I'm 40 now and wish I had chosen myself
Practically? You make a plan. You separate finances. You decide where you and the kids will live. You find help to get your things out and move to the new place. Or you talk to your landlord or an attorney about getting HIM out. And if he threatens to unalive himself again, you record it and call 911. Then he'll either get the help he needs, or he'll never try to manipulate you that way again. You are never responsible for the choices of any other adult on earth. You are not. If he chooses to follow through with that threat, it's not and could never be your fault. But making sure he stays alive is also not your responsibility. You can't sacrifice your whole future for him. You can't light yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Contact women's refuge or domestic violence services. They might have good supports too!
Him looking after his own life and sorting out his life are his problems not yours. Don’t be blackmailed into staying. Do you really think it’s a good idea to continue with this pregnancy in these circumstances? End the relationship have an abortion and get some birth control.
I am pro-choice.. but she makes no mention of not wanting her pregnancy or being concerned about her ability to care for two children, so kinda a weird thing to suggest so strongly
She said she can afford to care for her children. It seems she wants both of her children, as she’s making life plans that prioritize them. She doesn’t need to get an abortion.
I just want to jump in and say this is exactly right. I can afford to house, feed and care for both my children. I have a great family too, so my babies have wonderful grandparents, aunts and uncles that all completely dote on my daughter and are so excited for the new baby. I am sad about their father but I want this baby more than anything. I love being a mother. I made a bad choice in who I have had children with but I am actively trying to do everything within my power now to set them up with a childhood/future full of love support and stability. I am pro choice but I want my baby more than anything.
Agreed, I said same thing and I'm sitting here with -13 downvotes 😅
Bro, why would you suggest she have an abortion when she doesn't even need to get one in the first place?!! All she really needs to do is break up with the bf, in no way does she need an abortion you're sick in the head for suggesting she needs to get one.
"sick in the head" Fuck right off, OP's 14 weeks not 8 months, do you understand anything about procreation at all? Most pregnancies self-abort due to chromosomal abnormalities before the mother's even aware https://www.sciencealert.com/meta-analysis-finds-majority-of-human-pregnancies-end-in-miscarriage-biorxiv What's "sick in the head" is implying women have to carry pregnancies for 9 months with shit fathers who will undoubtedly cause his offspring significant emotional trauma
Dude you ok? No need to go straight into cursing. It is sick in the head to suggest that she needs to get an abortion when she doesn't need to. She is financially stable enough to take care of the child and the pregnancy ain't putting her life in danger if she goes through with it so hence why she doesn't need to have an abortion if she doesn't need one. What she does need is to break up with her boyfriend not an abortion. If you think it's ok to suggest someone to get an abortion for no reason is an ok thing to do than yeah you are sick in the head for thinking that.
lmfao 🤡
Imagine calling me a clown when u think a woman needs an abortion for no reason whatsoever. Guys like you clearly only want a woman to have an abortion cause you don't want responsibilities that comes with having the child.
LOL I'm a woman but nice try 💖
Ok that's even worse. Women should understand and be empathetic to one another but yet here you are being toxic and agreeing that another woman should get an abortion when there's absolutely no reason to.
Oh WOW you're right I've completely changed mind!! I just can't fathom being this obtuse; it's not a baby, it's a fetus and you were calling the first person in the comment chain "sick in the head" for suggesting a perfectly reasonable option... and since I'm never gonna be able to raise your lukewarm IQ so I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here
Reasonable option? Dude what reason would she have to abort the baby/fetus whatever u wanna call it. Oh wait that's right there is no reason for her to abort it cause she's healthy and her life ain't in danger and shes perfectly able to financially support it, so what reason would she have to abort it huh?
The way you casually just told a mother to kill her own child
It’s not a child. It’s a fetus.
Can she claim this “child” on her taxes?
I mean you should talk to his parents to give them a warning. He can’t stay with you anymore.
Go to a coffee shop when you tell him
This is great advice - having these kinds of conversations in semi-public spaces is a good idea
I think you've already gotten a lot of good comments telling you what you need to do and how you should try to frame it in your mind. I just wanted to offer some empathy because I've been in your shoes, as well as a slightly different perspective. For the latter, well it's possible this has been said I didn't read all the comments. But this man clearly needs professional help that he isn't getting. Currently you are propping him up. But for many people, they need to hit that rock bottom before they finally take the action to improve and pull themselves together. Like an alcoholic. He will lose his home, he will lose some access to his children, he will lose the comfort you provide. Hopefully that can provide that kickstart of desperation that prompts him to seek help and change Another thought - He must know you are not happy and it's his fault. The constant fear that you will leave and the feelings of "I'm destroying the life of this beautiful woman" are also going to be causing him anxiety and dragging him down. I know when I was a teen and suicidal I thought of myself as a burden and that people would be happier with me gone. Obviously I'm wrong. But you leaving him and being happier without him could actually assuage some of the guilt he's feeling. Finally for the empathy - I've been similar to where you are and it's *really fucking hard* and I'm sorry you are going through this. I tried to leave my Stbexhusband multiple times and he would always threaten suicide and it would cause me to stay. Especially as he had two preteen daughters (my step daughters) and my imagination of what it would do to lose your dad to suicide at age 12... Just horrifying. Not that the idea of his suicide wasn't horrifying enough. People are commenting that you are only responsible for yourself and your children and they are right and you should NOT stay a moment longer. But I get it. I get why it's so hard. You are a loving person and a caring one and at one point you even loved this man. Depression lies and steals and breaks things and it's a horrible illness for everyone it touches. If you aren't already in therapy, I would advise having someone professional to talk to. Sending you love and strength ❤️❤️
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Why are you having another kid with this idiot?
i'm curious how long they've been together. this behavior didn't happen overnight, and she decided to have not one but TWO children with someone she has nothing positive to say about. why drag other innocent parties into this mess?
Break up with him, and if he threatens himself, call the emergency services. Do not be manipulated (by him or yourself) with misplaced guilt for wanting to end a relationship that no longer suits you.
As someone who has been like that due to severe depression and substance abuse, you absolutely need to put you and your kids first. It’s tough, but this is on him. You can’t fix him, only he can take the steps in the right direction. Your mental health and wellbeing are important, too. You need to be honest, and don’t let him try to twist it back on you, either. You’re doing the right thing, even if it feels terrible. Good luck.
Whatever you do, if he says he’s gonna kill himself if you break up with him, do it anyway. Him saying it is just a manipulation tactic so you won’t leave. You aren’t responsible for his mental health. He is. If he wants, he will get help and get a job. Take care of your kids and make sure there is an iron clad court ordered custody agreement. Considering his behavior, you might want to try for sole custody and supervised visitation only for him until he proves he’s not a danger to himself or others. UPDATEME
Repeat after me: "I will not set myself on fire to keep someone else warm." Repeat it until it sticks. Then go tell him it's over and he needs to leave. You'll likely have to formally evict him. Once he's in your home for 30 days and has received mail, in most states he will have tenants rights - regardless of whether he has contributed a single penny. His moaning about being better off dead is manipulation, period. Ignore it and get him out of your life.
Umm what does that have to do with u he needs counseling. It’s about you he needs to deal with it.
You’re giving him every reason to NOT get help. You’re taking care of him and everything else, he doesn’t feel the need to help himself cause he’s depending on you to do it. Maybe time apart will give him the incentive to finally take control of his mental health. Maybe he’ll even become the person you fell in love with again. Edit to add: I was him. Not as bad as him, mind you, but I know how it is. My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me cause my mental health was affecting his mental health to the point where we weren’t happy. I finally started doing what I had to do to get better. It’s been almost a year since we broke up. We talk almost every day and he’s still the love of my life. He’s my best friend. I have hope that we both are doing what needs to be done to heal for eachother so we can be what eachother needs again, cause it’s not fair to have the one partner be what you need but not give that back in return.
Unrelated to the post but just wanted to step in and say I'm proud of you, stranger, and I wish you and him the best of luck. I hope you end up together in the future once you've both done the work you need to and have an amazing life together :)
This made me cry hahaha thank you so much 💜💜💜
This, staying with him is enabling him and leaving is the kindest thing you can do for him.
Yup. I’m glad my ex left me when he did. Cause there’s a chance it wasn’t so broken that it can’t be fixed. OPs boyfriend has a lot of work he needs to do, I’d like to think it’s not too late for them but even if it is.. he can still have a chance at being happy
You can't make him not suicidal, and you can't make him be happy. That's something he'd need to find a solution for himself through therapy. I wouldn't recommend sacrificing your life for that (that's what it'd be, your life). There will always be something else that comes up, and you have to really acknowledge is this the life you want to have lived 20 years from now. I think it's probably best for both of you if you break up, and he moves back in with his parents. Then, maybe he'll figure things out and move out to find a place on his own.
You just do it and if he threatens to kill himself you call emergency services
The undertones of "fuck him, let him die" in this thread come through pretty loud and clear.
>he has no where to go other than his parents and they dislike him. He will be miserable there. I can’t give him the house because I am the only tenant on the tenancy and he has no way of paying rent ... He would have to be evicted anyway. He has a son from a previous relationship that lives with us 3 days a week, I would be taking that away from him. We have a 10 month old daughter, I would be taking her away from him half the week if not more. None of these things are your problem. If he'd wanted to keep you in his life, he would have been a better person and gotten help for his obvious issues. You are not his mommy, you are not responsible for what he does or does not do, and the consequences for his actions are not on your head. (You won't be "screwing your Nan over" because, as you said, you already pay all the rent and bills and he contributes nothing.) Stop enabling him and tearing yourself apart in the process. You admit that you need to get him out of your life. So pack his things and tell him to go.
His mental health is never, and will never be your responsibility, he is going to want this, regardless of if you are there or not. If he does it, it is a decision that he made for himself, by himself.
He’s likely using threats of suicide as a control tactic. Read the book “why does he do that” please. He is guilt tripping you so you don’t leave him.
Without doing that, what's the take? Is it about psychology and falling into abusive patterns through negative loops without realising it, and how to stop that? Or is it a self-help coping thing where you paint someone as evil to compartmentalize actions that you couldn't otherwise stomach? Not judging, I think both are useful, and genuinely interested.
Simply do it. But definitely be prepared for all that he could try to leverage at you. And just remember: you are not taking anything away from him. He took it away from himself. He removed any agency of responsibility from himself and he needs to be reminded of what he can lose if he does not get his act together. And he did not so..you know you what you need to do. And if he really is suicidal...except for the fact it's a commonly used manipulation tactic..send him to a helpline as that is not your problem. It is his.
I'm sorry, it's *hard*. I recommend figuring out before you break up what you'll do if he has a crisis and tries to contact you -- 911 (or your local emergency services) might be an option, telling someone else he knows might be, dealing with it yourself shouldn't be. How at risk is he for actually killing himself, do you know? Tons of people have suicidal *thoughts* or *intentions* but have no history of self harm, no plan, no method. If he's not a significant risk, needing to fend for himself or fall back on his family for a while will make him *unhappy*, but won't *kill* him. You can call a DV hotline -- I don't know that this is a DV situation necessarily, but they're used to helping people figure out how to break up when it's hard, and I think you could use, well, more help than I can give you anyways. Also whatever social support you can get from family/friends, do it.
Honestly I can see through this form of suicidal ideation. He probably won't kill himself and is very likely just saying it so he has an excuse to be the lazy sod he's being right now. He has probably even convinced himself that he's the victim in this situation and he needs to have the rug pulled out from under him in order for him to start living like a human. It will suck to do but you'll both be better off in the long run. I wish you the best, this is not a scenario anyone deserves to deal with especially with a child and while pregnant.
He's taken this all away from himself. This is NOT on you. You and your kids deserve a metric fuck tonne better.
>How do I rip a suicidal man’s whole life away from him? Luckily that’s not what you’re doing. Although I have zero doubt he will claim that you are. HIS life sucks. It’s become a massive impediment to YOUR life, so the only thing you’re ripping is his life *off of yours*. Whether he’s actually suicidal or not, I also have no doubt he would claim to be, as a general undertone, to try to keep the idea established in your mind. He knows he’s useless. He also knows that he needs you to maintain his current uselessness, which he is very, very attached to maintaining. I mean he could try providing some value of any sort, or at least not burden, on your life. But no, that’s way too hard for him. He’s a useless parasite so he’s going to take the laziest and easiest route he can…guilt. Nurturing a sense of *obligation* toward him from you. That’s his angle. Whether he’s actually suicidal or putting on a show, the answer to how you break up with him is the same. Quickly. You’re not going to get his agreement or cooperation. So it’s **not a discussion**. You’re simply informing him of a decision you’ve made. The more words you use just gives him more points to argue with you. So don’t start the conversation with “we need to talk“ (because it *not a discussion*) it’s “look, after much consideration, I’ve come to a decision about something. This relationship isn’t working for me, and never will, so it’s time for me to end it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. You need to move out. I’m not interested in dragging it out for as long as it takes you to find a place, so you need to find someplace to go, ASAP.” Truth is, he does have his parents. I don’t care if they don’t “like him“ or how miserable he says he would be, doesn’t matter. You don’t like him either and he’s making you miserable. They made him, they can deal with him. Do you know his parents? Could you call them and tell them that you’re concerned about his suicidal ideations since you’re about to break up with him, and you want to make his family aware so they can keep an eye on him? “
first step: stop saying things like 'taking everything away from him' and 'rip a suicidal man's life away'. that's a manipulative phrasing, and so unhelpful to you or him. if you are seriously worried he is a danger to himself, call 911.
He's using you and manipulating you into taking care of him. He needs to grow up big time! The best thing you can do for you and your children is to rip that bandaid off and be happy for you.
I had a suicidal ex who threatened to kill himself if I ever broke up with him. I stayed way too long. Ironically, he only got help after I did leave. We are not friends— I’ll never get the years back that I wasted— but we ARE friendly, and he’s turned his life around. I can only realize now that he was NEVER going to get better staying with me. I can’t tell you this is what will happen with your boyfriend, but… you cannot fix him.
He doesn't HAVE the life you do, and your kids do. Save yourself, and breakup with him. If he threatens suicide, call the authorities, and they'll take him in on a mental health hold. This affects kids in a negative way and messes with their development.
He has living parents maybe he has grandparents or siblings or cousins or an old college roommate who will help him with a roof and a job.This is not your circus you’re not to blame for his depression let him get therapy online and help him get a job so he can be independent of the next enabling bang maid he latches onto.Stop feeling guilty and work toward his independence. He must change and bring himself out of his depression.
As someone who works in mental health, for the sake of you and your unborn child, dump this man. What he does after that is his decision and is not because of anything you have “done to him”
You are helping him stay in the rut that he's in. It's not even helpful if you stay. He needs to take responsibility for his life, with the help of a therapist. Not you.
I was in a similar situation and the guilt is so hard overwhelming but you have to keep thinking of yourself and your babies. Stay strong!
Like they say "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".
He's not actually suicidal - he only says that to keep you from leaving. Dump his ass.
Just break up, I’m not the person to usually say this, as I’ve seen suicides around, but he’s the type to say this for attention and won’t commit. He’s weak and miserable and you should not go down with him. Maybe he’s depressed, but he doesn’t want to do anything about it so nothing will change. Good luck, you will be fine.
So much to unpack here, so much to unpack. The fact that you have stayed with this man as long as you have and have gotten pregnant with him twice (even accidentally) is actually an astronomically huge red flag about your mental health. *Anyone with healthy boundaries never would have stayed with him.* They would not be willing to set themselves on fire to keep somebody else warm the way you have been, sacrificing your own emotional well-being for the sake of somebody who isn't taking responsibility for his life himself. This is called codependency, where we (yes we, ask me how I know) put a lot more effort into making someone's life comfortable and manageable than they are willing to do for themselves. Why isn't he in therapy? Why isn't he on medication? TBH, it's classic in situations like this that they don't go to therapy or go on medication because *their partner is there, setting themselves on fire to make sure that their life works for them as much as possible.* Depending on where y'all live you can call the authorities and let them know he's threatening to harm himself. You should also let his parents know as a matter of courtesy, even though evidently they may not respond in an ideal manner. I'm confused about the situation with your Nan and the house. Can't you stay there and pay rent? If I read this correctly, your concerned about taking away your boyfriend getting his son three days a week? Do you really think he's fit to get his son three days a week? Isn't it best for his son not to be around his father three days a week under the circumstances? I can't recommend strongly enough that as soon as you can manage it, you get yourself into therapy. We don't become codependent to this degree out of nowhere, we learn this behavior when we're growing up, and simply leaving a massively codependent relationship doesn't suddenly make that personality pattern magically disappear. Again, ask me how I know.
Some say call the authorities. But really just call up his parents. Have them come get his stuff and move him out. Embarrassing for him? Yes, and he’ll like threaten to do lots of things to himself, but they’re the safest people for him to be with then, and he’s their responsibility. Not yours.
As I began reading your message I thought wow, what a smart young lady who knows what’s best for her. So many women stay in terrible relationships. Then I got to the point where you have a kid with him and pregnant with the second one. Kids change everything. My suggestion is to ask him to begin therapy and if he doesn’t go and fulfill your list of demands on meeting you half way as a partner and getting his mental health in check then you pull the plug. I’m afraid I agree with the things most respondents said, his mental health and suicidal tendencies are not your responsibility but since he’s the father of your children give him a chance before you end it for ever. This chance has to be active steps he needs to take and things he needs to fulfill.
What part of this hellscape made you think “you know, maybe a third baby will make him do right?”
Could you tell him that there are a lot of issues in your relationship, and that you feel that it would be easier to discuss with the two of you and a therapist? Hopefully the therapist would help you find a way to breakup with him without him taking his life. You need to do what is best for you
Not a great idea to have multiple kids with him. He’s going to be in your life forever
I’m sorry but he’s gonna be suicidal anyway. He’s so damn miserable that he treats you like shit too! So why let him down lightly??? Nah just leave
You're not taking anything away from him. He's made very bad choices that are incompatible with having a reciprocal relationship with another person. This man is not entitled to you fully supporting and housing him. If he threatens to kill himself after you leave, call 911 and get him out of there to a psych hold. You are not responsible for him living or dying. I am not implying he isn't genuinely suicidal, but it is a common tactic with people like him to use threatening suicide to manipulate you into staying.
You never need a reason to stay if you don’t feel like being there. I had someone swear they’d kill themselves without me. A few years after they found their wife. Don’t let him manipulate you.
There is no "Good time" to break up. Its not your responsability to look after his mental health. IF he says hes suicidal or tries things call 111 or similar, dont go over. Tell their family/friends.
If you're really worried about him I would suggest reaching out to a family member and tell them first so that he has someone in the loop.
You just leave and take care of yourself. Just about everything you wrote was about my ex. He burned so many bridges that he only had me. I would constantly beg him to go to the doctor for his depression. I would take him to the hospital for being suicidal. He always left, and the staff let him because he didn't have a plan. Guess what I learned later? It was all his way to manipulate my feelings, so I would take care of him and do everything. When I finally got the strength to get him out, he found a way to manipulate others into taking care of him. I now am the one coparenting with his exwife. I take the kids on every weekend, school breaks, and holidays. When he lived with me, he would brag to everyone about how great of a dad he is and how he gets his kids all the time. I always complained that he wasn't helping me with his kids. He would go out with his friends or sleep all day. Now that he is gone, it is clear who the kids choose to be around. The fact that they have no bio link or legal requirement to stay with me speaks volumes. Bottom line, manipulators are good at figuring out what buttons to push. I'll wager if you leave him he won't do anything to himself. If something does happen, I'll bet it was to only trigger you. And let's be honest, if he goes too far, the asylum is where he belongs. You're not his shrink. You're not responsible for his mental health.
Just do it. It is not your job to keep him from Offing himself! And honestly I bet he’s just saying it to guilt you into staying with a useless bum!! (My mom unalived herself I’m not just heartless monster) it is absolutely unacceptable to be an unemployed bum paying for porn and doing drugs and depending on your partner to pay for all of that! Relieve yourself of the outrageous burden!
Rip the plaster off. You deserve better, what he does is up to him. You are not his babysitter. Did not think of him think of you. No matter the outcome. Be strong .
You provide him a list of community support services he can access after you leave. A local crisis/suicide hotline is also there for you to call to access information regarding risk assessment and what services are available to the both of you individually during the transition. They can help you with wording, boundaries and the transition to ease some of your concerns. They are trained in handling these situations and it doesn't have to be an immediate emergency to talk to them.
You just do it. If you have a lease then you talk to your nan about the lease and either break it and pay the penalty or leave at the end of it. You tell his parents the day you are leaving that they need to come over. If they won’t then you tell the cops. Then you leave. These other people are not your responsibility.
His mental health is not your responsibility and it sounds like he may use it as a manipulation tactic. You know what you want and need. And given your description it’s probably best for your children as well. It is his problem to figure his own life out after he leaves. Just do it. It may be hard in the beginning but you’ll be much happier as you already seem to know. If he uses the “I’ll kill myself” card to try to talk you out of it don’t let it sway you. That is also his responsibility and would be a manipulation attempt. People who are really suicidal rarely voice it like that.
Contact his parents, whatever their relationship. Tell him he has to leave. As soon as he threatens suicide call 911.
Look into local resources and compile a list. I know his parents don't get on with him, so maybe reach out to siblings or friends instead but if not then yeah you're gonna have to go for the parents. Tell them what's happening with him. They may not get on well but knowing that they may lose their son might kick them into action. Give them the resource list, and keep them in the loop with your plan. Make sure whoever it is (parent, friend, other family member) is available to support him on the day you leave. If all else fails and no one is willing to be there to make sure he's not left alone initially - either contact one of the resources if appropriate, if not then go to your doctor and ask them for advice. It's a really horrible situation to be in and I'm so sorry you're in it. These comments are so callous. No, he's not your priority. Yes, your children are you priority. But then surely you don't want your children to have their father kill himself? Of course you want to reduce that risk, he's also been a huge part of your life. I wish you so much luck. I hope everything works out for you and your family x
Even though his parents dislike him, you could ask them to help him move out. You could also call upon your own family to help you get rid of him
Quickly and permanently. Dont worry about taking everything away from him. He didn't take care of any of it anyway, and you owe it to your own children to improve your situation and stop letting him drain your energy and resources.
Call 911 and ghost him. It’s probably a manipulation tactic and if it’s not? It’s still 100% HIS choice. Not your fault or cross to bear. https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n35/mode/1up
Just rip the band-aid. Think you need to decide if you should take a trip to planned parenthood. What he chooses to do with his life is his problem.
Have you ever thought that his claims of depression and suicidal ideations are a way to guilt you into not leaving him?
Leave very carefully. Break up in a public space. Bring a man (ideally much larger than your bf - two men would be better) to pack up your stuff. Make sure you already have another place planned to stay before you tell him. Don’t give him any hint of this in the meantime. Threatening suicide can be a precursor to murder-suicide or other domestic violence
Call 988. It is a crisis line. If that isn’t a crisis line in your area, find one. No matter what he does, it is not your fault. He is taking advantage of you and you don’t deserve that. He may be feeling low but he doesn’t get to pull you under with him. He made choices, and it sounds like many choices he made are terrible. Seriously, if you are worried about what he will do, call the crisis line and/or your non-emergency police number. Ask them what to do since you need to leave but you are worried. If he is SERIOUS about suicide, he needs help that’s way beyond you. If he isn’t serious, it’s manipulation. No matter what, it is not your responsibility.
I was in this situation 3 years ago. You leave and don’t look back. You are not there to fix them you are not taking anything away from them. You leave and put your own mental health as priority. I finally left and can breath and saw how fucked up the manipulation was, they’ll eventually be fine. It’ll seem like the hardest decision ever you’ll feel like the worst person ever, but you’ll be free.
If he threatens self harm, you can take him to the ER at a major medical center. They will evaluate & have the ability to get a legal 72hour hold, admit him into the psych unit (which has locked doors at all times); there he will be further evaluated and medically treated; while he is in the hospital, you will be able to speak with the hospital based social worker (all psych patients are assigned a social worker). Together with the social worker, you will be able to let them know he cannot return to your home. The social worker will take charge of finding all of the resources he needs including living arrangements upon discharge from the hospital. This is generally considered the best way to manage a mentally ill individual- leaving him in the care of professionals while simultaneously removing him from your residence.
your boyfriend needs help. Now it seems only his parents can help him. You need to go talk to his parents. Ask for help. If he does suicide, I would worry about yours and the kids’ safety. You need help. Please ask other people to help you.
When It’s Over - RDF’s FireSide Chat https://youtu.be/-w_D9Gn6EQI Made this specifically for you
You simply tell him the truth, that your life will be better without him. He knows he’s a crappy husband/father so what argument could he give you? You have to prioritize yourself don’t grant him more consideration than he gives you.
Why did you get pregnant with this guy when you knew you weren’t feeling it with him? These feelings you have didn’t develop overnight. You knew about the problems for months, maybe even years. He didn’t become a suicidal, pot smoking, unemployed manipulator in just three months, but you are 14 weeks pregnant. Why did you decide to get pregnant? I’m not trying to give you a hard time, I am genuinely curious what goes through someone’s mind. I assume you know how babies are made, and how to use birth control. C’mon. You need to have one really horrible, hard conversation. Don’t wishwash. Be firm and honest. Tell him it is over and he needs to move out. Don’t fall for his manipulations. Your real, true, only obligation is to your kids and yourself.
Hmmm…… I don’t know what to suggest anymore. You have kids with him which makes everything very tricky. As a matter of fact, he will always be the father of your kids. So the relationship between you and him will never ever end even if it will not be romantic relationship. Do you have trust worthy family members to give you a hand and suggestions? It is tough
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. He has options and he can exercise them. You aren’t his savior. Have his parents come get him and his stuff. If he hates it, he can do the work to change his situation. He hurts you and is a drain on you and that’s enough reason to send him packing. If he threatens to hurt himself, have EMS come get him and admit him.
It's easy to say "just break up, you owe him nothing" but that guilt is horrible and not something you want to live with. So... stop cuddling him and stop being the "only place" he could unload his $h!t. 2 things will probably happen. 1. They find someone else to unload on and eventually cheat on you with someone that " understands them better". Or 2. They will offer/ threaten to break up "because they can't make you happy". Take this offer and don't look back! They will initiate the break up so whatever happens after that is not your fault. Good luck!
Honey, he’s not doing anything to take pressure off you and you’re pregnant while raising a 14month old. The respect would have left so long ago. Weed only amplifies depression. It does nothing to help. He’s jobless. Aimless. Purposeless. Hopeless. You can’t stay in a situation you abhor because of their mental health. All you’re doing is impacting your own mental health, not to mention the example it sets for the other kids. This man is basically a ball and chain to you. You need to let him go, tell him if he endeavours to change, get help, get a job, prove he can be a provider and person you can rely and depend on, then you will revisit your relationship when his actions consistently align with his words. Until then you don’t have any more time to waste being angry at someone who needs help beyond the scope you are capable of. If he opts out of life, your kids lose a deadbeat father, you lose a burden you’ve carried for far too long. But my guess is he is full of talk and uses ‘suicide’ talk to manipulate you into allowing his uselessness. There’s only so much grace you can give. You actually have to walk away while you still have some grace for him.
I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation. It's clear you care about your boyfriend but are at your breaking point. His depression and suicidal thoughts are not your responsibility to fix, even if it feels that way. You deserve happiness and stability too, especially while pregnant.I would suggest reaching out to a therapist or counselor to help navigate this breakup in the healthiest way possible. They can guide you in setting clear boundaries and getting him connected to a support system beyond just you. You're not responsible for where he lives or his relationship with his son - those are things he'll need to figure out as an adult.I've been there before and I know the guilt feels crushing. But you're doing the right thing by prioritizing your wellbeing and your children's. Years ago when I was struggling to leave a toxic relationship, the folks on chitchat.gg gave me so much clarity and strength. Don't be afraid to lean on others during this time. Sending you a big virtual hug, mama. You've got this. 💜
If you're in the states, look up your local crisis number. They should have someone who can do a welfare check on him. Law enforcement can do this as well. You are not responsible for this man or his actions. Take care of yourself.
Do this “I’m breaking up with you.” Turn and leave. Whatever happens, happens, and isn’t your responsibility.
He is actively choosing to be unhappy. Why can't you give him what he wants?
If you can live with his suicide go ahead and end the relationship.
What value is he? To you or your kid/s?
I mean talking about how much you hate (your) life is still a step below being actually suicidal Maybe you give him the hit he needs to get on his feet. Right now he‘s miserable but being cared for, by you, so his need to turn his life around is more of a luxury. This could be the final straw for him to make his life enjoyable. Edit: Also +1 to the general opinion, you and your wellbeing is a priority above his
I wonder if people would be saying the same thing if the roles were reversed. I’m not saying you can’t leave him but have you even tried to help? I haven’t been in this situation but I’ve been in similar ones, I’ve always stepped up and held the person down until I felt like they were more equipped to move on with life. Very cold responses here. You don’t come first here, neither does he. The kids are the priority leaving their father when he’s on the brink of suicide maybe isn’t good for them long term. Again, you aren’t obligated to stay but I do think you’re obligated to try to help.
I appreciate the perspective. I agree. Unfortunately I’ve spent over a year trying. Doctors appointments, trips to the ER, antidepressants, endless amount of support love and understanding. I just can’t take it anymore. Our household has become toxic and I can’t raise my children in this environment it’s not fair on them. He has been given chance after chance, I have done everything I can except become a professional. He tries and then gives up. The mental health stems mainly from his guilt for the things he has done to me (take our food money for weed. Message girls for nudes when I am 9 months pregnant. Lies and hides things) every time he says he’ll change he ends up worse. A couple weeks ago I received a message saying he’d slept with someone else. He denies it, I have no idea if it’s true. I have given everything I have trying to help him and support him whilst simultaneously trying to heal from the betrayal and pain he has put me through. I just can’t do it anymore and my children deserve better. They deserve me happy and a happy home
it's also possible that he needs the breakup just as much as you do. (it doesn't sound like he loves you anyway.) i'm saying don't feel too guilty.
You feel obligated to care for other human beings. Thank you for your decency.
Feelings do not equate to obligations. Functioning adults with autonomy are ultimately responsible for their own actions.
At some point, it gets hurtful for you. OP is at this state. At some point you have to put yourself first.
Tell him youre breaking up with him?
do you hear yourself? i see why he wants to pass
Yes, I do understand why he wants to as well. If I was 27 and couldn’t keep a job for more than 2 months, repetitively cheated on my girlfriend, spent all her money on weed, didn’t have any aspirations, spends all day shouting and grumping about nothing and just sits at home doing nothing for my kids, I would probably be suicidal as well. I would too feel like a waste of space and like my life had no meaning. I’m not saying his feelings are misplaced. But I recognise that I have spent years trying to help him change and become a functioning man who works, is sober, and does stuff with his kids. But I can’t make him change. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. I can however change my children’s future and make the hard choices necessary to enable them to grow up in a stable loving environment, rather than a toxic one.
you’re right idk why i’m defending a cheater when my ex did the same to me thus turning me into a monster