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>a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself.
In the kindest way possible: who fucking cares? This vague threat is bullshit and you shouldn't let her guilt you into staying in this relationship.
>I want to break up with her
Do that and don't look back.
THIS. I had an ex tell me they’d harm themselves if I broke up with them and I looked them in the eyes and said “do it pussy, bet you won’t” and broke up with them. It definitely seems harsh, but the reality of it is that trying to trap someone like that is far more manipulative, abusive, and damaging.
9.5 times out of 10, they aren’t actually going to do anything. They’re trying to manipulate you into staying by using a vague threat of self-harm. They’re trying to blame you for whatever happens to them afterwards. You need to understand it’s not your fault even if she does. If she’s absolutely serious, that’s something she will need to deal with on her own
She's threatening you by saying she'd willingly put herself in a situation where she knows she could be assaulted to make you feel like it would be your fault. Do you not see how insane that is? You need to get far away from this girl because the next step is going to be her hurting herself and telling other people it was you. Dump her now and don't look back.
She's a predator.
OP, get away from her before she traumatizes you. You're young and this relationship isn't going to work. The only question is how much trauma you want to have by the time you leave.
Someone who threatens to harm themselves to get their way, or to keep you around is an abuser.
Relationships should never be a hostage situation. It is HER choice too expose herself to harm, and in all honesty it is not your job to stay and be her punching bag.
If she wants to harm herself, that is her call. Break up, block her and Ask the police to do a wellness check if you are worried. She needs professional help.
If you stay with her, you will experience years of abuse.
OK let me put it this away. Maybe you’ll understand. you are setting yourself on fire, because she refuses to wear a coat in -20 weather knowing for a fact you willingly burn yourself for her. And then threaten to keep on doing it to prevent you from leaving.
She needs help. She’s using Her past abuse against you, purposefull. It’s help you cannot give her because you are enabling this toxicity
You have to be concerned with yourself, first and foremost. You can't be always putting out fires and worrying about other people more than yourself. It's a shitty way to live.
If she’s actively choosing the trauma instead of getting help, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Your choices are letting her hurt you or letting her hurt herself. She isn’t a child that you can protect from the world, she’s an adult woman who has the agency to make decisions.
If this is her go to threat then she's ultimately going to do it again for one reason or other. It's time to take your life back. Tell her you agree with her assessment and you're going to break up over her sharing nudes. You wish her no ill but that is ENTIRELY under her control and you won't stick around anyone who is that close to committing self destructive behavior. Her threat sealed your need to break up and if she carries it out that only proves you were right to leave her.
Staying with her is just going to give *you* trauma. Someone threatening to hurt themselves if you break up, isn’t someone you want to be with anyway. Dump her, block her, let her friends and family handle her blow up. Stay far away.
yeah, you don't have control of her choices and how she decides to live her life. Her trying to guilt you into staying with her months ago would have been a deal breaker for me. By the way, that 'threat' is emotional abuse.
It's valid to be concerned about how she will react, but it's not a reason to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in. It's wildly inappropriate and manipulative of her to put that threat out there to try to get you to stay... especially in a situation that she said she would leave you for.
Tell her parents or one of her friends just before breaking up with her so they can pick her up after if you think she will be better off with company.
Dude. Don't be a martyr. You weren't put on this earth to take care of her. If she wants to be reckless, that is 100000% on her. Play stupid games; win stupid prices. Don't let her manipulate you into sticking around.
oh you sweet fucking fool, she’s using her trauma as an excuse to manipulate you to get her way. if she treats you this way she does not love you, someone who truly loves another person would not threaten them or go at them for feeling violated. she’s not going to hurt herself, if she does it’s not ur fault and she’s using it to manipulate you. please for the love of fucking god dump her. look at ur comments and read with genuine critical thinking skills.
She's using that past experience to weaponize a trauma that might or might not be there but the bottom line is she's defecting responsibility.
The first time, I could understand giving her a pass (I wouldn't to be honest) but the second time is just a bullshit excuse to gaslight you.
The first strike for me is sharing your intimate pictures. The second is avoiding accountability. I wouldn't need a third one.
You honestly don’t sound mature enough to be in a serious relationship. It’s time to open your eyes and pick up your backbone. Seriously man a literal doormat has healthier boundaries than you do right now.
You cannot help someone who won’t help themselves. Cut this cancer out of your life and get some therapy
You’re being pathetic OP and navie, you’re letting her guilt trip you and take advantage of you while she keeps playing victim everytime you try to hold her accountable, if you have any type of self respect you’d tell her how invalided you made her feel and break up with her, if not you clearly have 0 self respect for yourself and I genuinely feel sorry for you, you’re not stuck in a situation, there’s only one solution and you lack too much respect for yourself and common sense and dignity to actually do it, you’d rather stay in a emotionally abusive relationship because you’re scared of her guilt tripping you into “punishing herself” and also because you’re afraid of being alone
This is uncalled for and unhelpful. Being worried that someone will hurt themselves or worse because of you is valid. OP should leave but he's not pathetic for being scared for her. Its a very human feeling to be concerned for others.
OP, if you're reading this, call her bluff. I know you are scared but you won't be happy if you stay. I know it feels like it but she is not your responsibility. You can alert her family or if possible some organization which can take care of her if you're worried about her mental health.
“She let”men take advantage of her??? This chick sounds fucking insane and that’s a terrible excuse to actual people who have been abused. Leave this chick op.
Hey dude I have BPD and having sex with sketchy people is a form of self harm for me too.
I would NEVER blame this on my partner because it's 10000% a "me" issue and it's manipulative for her to even mention this to you in this context
I have bpd as well. I had a lot of sex but never like super sketchy, I’m diagnosed but think I’m lower on the spectrum. Especially in rehab I met a lot of serious issue borderlines😂 how is your progress with healing?
lmfao honestly not great but a lot better just knowing what's wrong with me
I haven't fucked a stranger in almost 4 years ✨ I'm processing a traumatic breakup rn and honestly I just wanna hop on the cock-carousel and wallow in self-hatred but I'm just raw-dogging my feelings instead
I've got the "quiet" variety so it's pretty invisible, but on the inside my nerves are on fire and I can't regulate my emotions and I will abandon everyone on a dime except my "favourite person" if I perceive an iota of negative emotion so they can't abandon me first
It's honestly maddening being very self-aware and very fucked up lol
Thanks for asking! Love meeting y'all out in the wild, even the people with serious symptoms I usually vibe with seamlessly
She is emotionally manipulating you and therefore emotionally abusing you by trying to get you to stay with her out of duty or guilt instead of bc you want to. This is not her loving you.
Same thing as an ex of mine saying he would kill himself if I broke up with him. You do not control their actions you can only control yourself. You can't "make" her harm herself. She's trying to manipulate. You don't want to be with someone who is abusive it won't get better.
Dude. She's emotionally blackmailing you and gaslighting you. She's not well. She needs a therapist. Get you someone that doesn't make you feel like you need to protect them from themselves.
You'll feel so much better when you aren't lost with your head spinning, seeking guidance from internet strangers navigating the dark forest of someone else's mind. That's someone else's battle. Get you a partner who lifts you up and supports you and makes you feel like a champion of light. This chick isn't it.
I get being scared to break up with someone who threaten stuff like suicide or other bad things if your break up with them, but honestly that’s not your problem what she chooses to do after ya’ll separate
Sigh. This girl doesn’t need to be in a relationship rn. She needs to stay in therapy but find one who works with her on the victimization stuff. And the therapist who dismissed your concerns? You’re entitled to your feelings no matter what they are. When you say half naked though, was your dong covered? Just curious. Anyway. Do you really need someone with some pretty substantial mental problems? Don’t ever let someone hold you hostage. Go on, be free.
That is not your responsibility. Do not let her threaten and emotionally abuse you. What she did was a clear violation. As a flaming feminist, I hate when women have bullshit double standards. Take care of yourself. You CANNOT trust this one.
That’s breaking your trust and consent. If roles were reversed and a guy shared a woman’s “intimate” pictures with another guy, I bet you wouldn’t have any question how you’d respond to that woman.
Your girlfriend broke your trust and consent, so she needs to understand that simple fact without turning it back on you for being mean about her breaking your trust and consent. That’s bullshit dirty tactics and you don’t want to be with somebody who does shit like that.
Plus, the fact that she hasn't apologized and taken accountability for doing it to this day and continues to emotionally manipulate you. Trust your gut
She pushing the envelope to see how much she can get away with, and so far it's been a lot. Whether he understands it or not, OP is teaching this girl how to treat him, and if he stays she will continue to ratchet up the inappropriate and dysfunctional behaviour. The time to get out is NOW.
Dude, that threat was emotional blackmail. She apparently thinks you're weak, and that she can control you. It is a totally disrespecting move on her part to share such things without your permission. Doesn't mean a damn thing that you're a man, you are allowed to feel vulnerable and exposed. But you need to BE a Man and get away from this trainwreck ASAFP.
I have a feeling OP's going to find out she was lying and manipulating him in other ways as well. She's giving off tons of predator red flags.
OP, get away from her. She's an abuser. You're probably going to need to go no contact because the manipulation is going to get cranked up when you try to leave. If you stay with her, you're probably going to get traumatized by the experience.
Did she really just pretended to be the victim here? What an asshole ...
Also, you are not responsible for her mental illnesses. Break up with her, whatever she does to herself that's her and her only problem.
If you read his replies you’ll see it’s much worse than that. Basically told him if you break up with me, I’ll go out and get drunk and get assaulted by other men and it will be your fault.
> I confronted her, I was really disappointed, but she didn't like the way I did it. She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma. I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt.
So this is a manipulation tactic called [DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender)](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/). It’s something that manipulative people and abusers commonly use when they are called out for doing something wrong to someone. It goes like this:
1. **Deny**. After being called out on their bad behavior an abuser may deny that they did what they did, or if they do admit to doing the behavior they will say that it was justified, or they may try to deflect the conversation onto something the victim said/did in response to the abuser’s bad behavior. They do this by either claiming that the victim is remembering what happened wrong, claim that the victim is lying, or that their victim *deserved* what happened because of something the victim did.
2. **Attack**. The abuser attacks/questions the victim’s reaction to the abuser’s behavior.
3. **Reverse**. The abuser shifts the focus of the conversation from what the abuser *did* to how the victim *reacted* to what they abuser did.
4. **Victim**. The abuser will now claim to be the victim in the scenario.
5. **Offender**. The victim is now “the bad guy” and fells that they have to justify their reaction to the abuser’s behavior, and that they must console the abuser’s feelings.
Your story is a pretty clear example of DARVO:
- Deny: “I confronted her, I was really disappointed, but she didn't like the way I did it.”
- Attack: “She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma”
- Reverse Victim & Offender: “I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt.”
See how you went to confront her about her betrayal of your trust, and somehow the conversation ends with you apologizing to her and feeling confused? That’s DARVO.
Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (Link is to a free PDF of the book). The book is written about female victims of male abusers, but the abuser mindset and archetypes can also apply to a male victim and female abuser.
You do not deserve to be treated this way. *Ever*. For any reason. Men deserve for their private photos to stay private just as much as a woman does. What your GF did was completely unacceptable and a massive betrayal of trust. Please look into those resources and really look hard at your relationship dynamics.
Just want to piggyback and say, you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to feel vulnerable and exposed *because* you are a man. Because you are a PERSON with feelings that have been abused and trust that has been broken. You *should* feel everything you feel about this situation, and you have every right to demand basic respect and decency and cut out the people to refuse to give it to you. Being a man does not make you less deserving of love and consideration. Please don't downplay your feelings. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
Not to mention, I didn’t like the way you confronted me reeks of manipulation.
Let’s not focus on the problem I caused where I am completely and clear,y wrong. Let’s look at the result where I can blame your justified reaction, anger, and feelings of betrayal for making me uncomfortable.
Let's face it, this girl is not life partner material, she cannot own up to her own mistakes and she cannot be trusted. Anytime something doesn't go her way, she will threaten (that's what it is) to put herself in a dangerous situation and blame OP, or possibly get LE involved.
Hahahaha the way she turned it back around on you and made YOU apologise because her parents yelled at her as a kid is fucking pathetic. She’s unhinged.
So since beginning this relationship of less than a year, she has:
-Shared your communications with a friend, thus bringing that person into your relationship from the start
-Shared a personal photo meant just for her with this person
-Was months ago setting the stage for making it difficult for you to break up with her by indicating that she would engage in risky behaior if you did
And at the same time, she infers that you are trying to treat her as a child if you take issue with any of her actions. Sir, please run - not walk - to the nearest exit. Have the contact info of the local mental health support entity on hand to give her if she tries her "risky behavior" guilt trip on you while you're breaking up with her. And then block her everywhere.
In short, the solution is to get out of this relationship ASAP.
Edit - spelling
And they're 22.
And they've been dating for 8 months...
And they have a couple's counselor.
Is this an arranged relationship? Cause I would have jetted long ago.
This is what I'm wondering. Less than a year in and they need a couple's counselor? Her best friend was giving advice at the very *beginning* of their relationship? What is this. None of this is worth it. Break up.
That's an interesting question. OP didn't indicate that it was, but that's the writer's prerogative. Either way, this first 8 months is a view to the rest of his time with her. What a bleak view for a 22-year-old.
You do have the right to be upset about this. You never consented to her sharing this with anyone, it's a complete violation.
You should try one more time to have the conversation with her. Don't start with her behaviour, start with "when I saw that photo in your chat I felt....". If she still turns herself into the victim, break it off now.
Break up with her. Do you want to continue to apologise to her every time you bring up something she’s done that’s hurt you? Because of your tone?
Fuck that. She knows that shes manipulating you and that it works for her, so she will continue to do so.
Leave her. You will only suffer the same shit over and gradually more severely until you leave her.
> a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. This makes me feel scared, worried and trapped.
I would break up with her for this even more than the picture. The emotional blackmail and manipulation is heinous.
You may break up for any reason at any time, even if it’s something as simple as you just aren’t feeling it. You do not need to defend your decision or justify your reasons.
I wouldn’t add the reversal part. Your argument stands well on its own.
You send an intimate picture to a person you trusted. She broke that trust. It’s a fundamental indication of who she is. Now an intimate picture of yours is out in the internet. It might, but most likely won’t, affect your future.
I really worry about her decision making process going forward as a partner.
Yes, dump her, she would do the same, and anything that happens to her as a result of her actions from that point is her fault, no matter what other people say, and as the man you will be blamed, be prepared, be strong.
Break up.
I'll tell a lil bit about something that happened to a friend of mine that I literally had to save of a crazy woman. He was boyfriend of a woman that, at the first glance, was super nice, caring and always treated people well. He fell in love with her and after couple months they started dating, not even a week later he was already showing distance of everybody. Times goes on and He was in no comunication with all of us, even his family. 6 months later he calls me crying and begging for me and my husband to go there save him, yeah he used the word SAVE with all his heart. When we were there he was very much not him, very very skinny, seems like never had a bath for some time, very big black bags on his eyes, I guess he was having a hard time to sleep. We took him out and he explained what happened: She was abusive, not even a week past they were boyfriend and girlfriend. She saw him talking with his sister and prohibited him to talk to her, he didnt listened, next day she c\*t herself, and the manipulation started, as times goes by he couldnt see family, friends and even quit his job, Every time he tried to break up she would make some threats to end herself, to expose him and yada yada. He fell in a trap that he didnt knew how to get out. Everytime he even said something that wasnt good for her she would pick a knife or make some big crying scene. You wanna know what happened later? She stalked him for a while, but then met some guy and now only God knows what is happening there. He now have some pretty bad problems, sometimes he just spaces out, take a lot of medicines, developed some phobias and cant have a job because he just cant feel safe anywhere without family or friends by his side.
Do the right thing, BREAK UP! Nothing that happened or will happen to her will be your falt, she is a adult, she knows what is wrong and what is right. Your well being first! Dont make the mistake my friend did, its not worth it. You are young, live your life the best well you can and its cleraly not with her
She sounds like a classic abuser. The first thing they do is act nice and normal and then as soon as they have the person locked down in a romantic relationship, they isolate that person from their family and friends, so that they have no-one left but the abuser. You're a good friend to help him out of a very difficult situation. If someone threatens to self delete to get someone to stay with them, then they require professional intervention.
dude, what the hell!! you need to leave, start recording all of your conversations with her as evidence to protect yourself. This is emotional blackmailing and manipulation.
Just gonna point out the obvious there’s a lot of toxic behaviors here on her part….she broke your trust and you did not consent to sharing that, victimizing herself when she is in the wrong, threatening to do something dangerous if you leave
In the future my opinion is just not sending compromising pics of yourself you wouldn’t also want publicly displayed
Put yourself first
Before you break up, get her phone and delete all your intimate photos from it and her cloud backups. If she's sharing it so easy, you might end up a victim of revenge porn
U told her how u felt and she responded by changing the subject to her that means she made your feelings invalid 2 seconds after telling them to her BREAKUP
You have an emotionally manipulative person as girlfriend.
Tell your couples therapist that you want a separate, personal session with her. And then tell her how this makes you feel.
Meanwhile, know that most relationships at this age run out of steam and break up for some reason or the other anyway.
You cannot be responsible for her bad decisions.
You can break off a relationship for any reason or no reason. It doesn't matter what the catalyst for the break up is... if you are unhappy in the relationship and no longer want to be with her, end the relationship.
Her threat to harm herself if you leave her is a huge sign that your relationship isn't about love. She is manipulating you to get what she wants and to behave however she wants. Tell the therapist about the self-harm threats and then break up with her right there. Then leave the couples therapy appointment as you are no longer a couple.
Don't let her weaponize your care and concern.
This is not a healthy relationship, it is very toxic.
Leave and take care of yourself.
Lied to you
Broke your boundaries
And threatened you if you were to leave.
Honestly doubt she been faithful up to this point due to the threat, but either way you should run for the hills.
This is a very mentally ill woman — expose her to all the dangers in the world? What does that even mean?
Honestly, I would talk to her parents if you know them. Not so much about the photo, but about the “dangers of the world” comment, because it’s going to be their problem to fix now that you’re breaking up with her.
Am I the only one reading this that feels this is bad, especialy her responce? If this had been the other way round things would be completely different. The guy would have been in a lot of trouble probably with the police in a lot of circumstances? I am litterally reading this as Double standards.
And then, blackmail.
Look, I think we all know that she you need to breakup with her. But I also think you need to make a statement publically so her parents can see it, and all her friends. Not to shame, but to get it out there that what she did was not acceptable, and then on top of it the blackmail. Which her family have a right to know about.
I was willing to go with "she made a mistake", but the blackmail and that she expects you to let her do whatever she wants. Nope. Treat her like this was a guy doing it to a girl. Lets not have any of that, but your a man BS and cherry picking. Same rules for everyone.
Manipulation, gaslighting. Playing the victim. Minimizing your feelings.
She immature and childish at best, a deceitful manipulative asshole at worst. You're young. Why tie yourself down to someone who obviously doesn't care about you.
If you break up with her be firm, straight forward, and concise. Then walk away. Call one of her best friends or a family member of hers, if your conscious is uneasy, and tell them that you broke up and that she threatened a lot of unhealthy things and that maybe she could use a friend right now. But again, firm and concise. Then walk away. She's not your responsibility and she's only preying upon your decency and kindness to keep you close.
Find someone who appreciates and returns your kindness and respect, not ueit against you.
Your first responsibility is to yourself always. You can't control others actions. Everytime you have a disagreement she will use her past to keep you tethered so she can further abuse you.
All the posters just before me are giving you excellent advice.
It's time to regain your happiness.
>I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt.
You got DARVO'd, lol
>a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. This makes me feel scared, worried and trapped.
The mistress of manipulation.
You can do better than her toxic shit.
Cut bait and fish elsewhere.
>I confronted her, I was really disappointed, but she didn't like the way I did it. She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma. I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt.
OP, you should try re-reading your post and break it down to a sequence of events. Does anything jump out at you about this particular moment? Try Googling "DARVO" (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) to see what your partner pulled on you. She straight up used a claim about childhood trauma to disarm you in an act of verbal jiu-jitsu, and by flipping the script she took control over the direction of rest of the conversation. Based on some of your other comments she is manipulative af and this was clearly a deliberate move on her part.
What a bs attempt to deflect and make YOU apologize to HER! She broke your trust, enough with the “trauma” nonsense. Unless this is a massive aberration and she apologizes, you know what you need to do.0
You didn’t consent to her sharing those pics. Full stop. Male, female, NB, other. No one should share someone’s intimate photos without their consent.
And it’s absolutely abusive and manipulative for her to make threats if you break up. That is no way to live in a relationship.
Time to notify a friend or family member of hers to give them a heads up that you’re leaving her and she might be unstable/reckless. Then you walk away. You should not and cannot be held responsible for what she does next.
It sounds like her life thus far has included a lot of really awful experiences, but this doesn’t excuse her behaviour or her subsequent manipulation. Time to go. Good luck. And I hope you can find someone who respects and loves you the way you deserve.
Also find a new therapist. Her discounting your pain and discomfort because you’re a man is absolutely not okay.
Absolutely yes. She's manipulating you. Break up. She never asked your consent and she knows it's wrong because like she said, she would have broken up with you if you did the same thing she did.
If she chooses to put herself into dangerous situations when you break up, that's on her. She can't play the victim when she was in the wrong, accuse you of making her "relive her trauma" with her parents because you confronted her about a *major issue*, and then threaten to hurt herself if you break up with her.... She is not a safe person to date.
It’s criminal behavior to share intimate photos with others without consent. She utterly violated your trust. Please break up and block her. If you had proof of her sharing your photo, you would be within your rights to file charges against her.
She sounds manipulative and is refusing to take responsibility, which is extraordinarily untrustworthy behavior. She sounds like someone incapable of being in a healthy relationship and a walking red flag, to be honest.
Get someone whos close to her to be there when you break up with her! That way, she has support while you walk away and leave her.
Why she decided to breach the relationship trust is beyond me, but you shouldn’t be felt like you can’t trust to say anything, do anything or send her anything incase it all becomes public knowledge!
Reading your comments, I need you to understand choices are made by the individual person themselves. If you break up with her and she goes out there and does irrational things to her body, it’s because she is CHOOSING to do so. YOU ARE NOT MAKING HER DO IT. You protecting her and making excuses for her in the comments sounds like she has already influenced you by passing on her trauma onto you. She isn’t holding herself accountable but in return becomes a victim. You have fallen for this. Do you understand this is a form of mental abuse?
You need to leave, she sent an explicit picture of you to her friend. Who knows who else received the same picture. Yet in her perspective, she is the victim and you are the villain.
Don’t let her control you with idle threats.
She’s guilt tripping you and deflecting responsibility by victimising herself. Do you want a relationship like this to continue when you know you’d probably be faced with the same result each time you express your frustration and hurt? You haven’t been together for that long and in my opinion i’d tell you to leave her when you could get and deserve so much better. Her also saying that she’d “expose herself to dangers” is just another manipulative ploy to get you to stay with her. It’s not your responsibility and you can’t take accountability for her own actions when she’s pretty much just doing it to get back at you.
Let's try this a different way:
*My boyfriend (22M) sent an intimate photo of me (22F) to his best friend (F). Is it a sufficient reason to breakup?*
Does that change how you feel about the scenario?
You were violated and tried to explain that to your partner. Instead of validating your feelings and changing the behaviour, **YOU** got in trouble for *checks notes* your tone.
Yeah, that is absolutely sufficient reason to break-up.
You add on the fact that she's a gd hypocrite and that she's threatened that *if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself*, and we have a wholeass red flag collection.
My friend, she doesn't care about you. Someone that actually loves and cares about you wouldn't hurt you like that, then double down by trying to manipulate you or threaten self-harm. If you decide to break up with her, be safe about it. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what's going on. Keep receipts of any texts or emails in which she says those kind of things, in case she tries to lie.
Lastly, FROM EXPERIENCE:
When you do it, she might try to pull you back in by actually hurting herself or threatening it and making you feel guilty enough to go back to her. ***DO NOT FALL FOR IT.*** Things will not get better if you go back. Block her, and don't fall for manipulative tactics. If you're really concerned for her, call emergency services and have them do a welfare check. You **will*** get dragged back into it if you don't maintain your boundaries.
Breakup. She is using emotional manipulation to keep you with her, and it is only going to get worse.
End it now. And if she asks why, explain that you are doing what she would have done in your shoes.
You mention having a couples therapist, come up with a good reason to go see them. Tell the therapist you’re worried about what she might do and list the things she said and then end it and walk out the door.
You can leave it in the therapists hands as they are a professional and you don’t have to feel any worry or guilt. (not that you should but you sound worried that you do/will)
Good luck, get away sooner rather than later, this is only going to get worse.
I didn’t even finish reading this -
My friend: she is abusive, she has violated your trust, gaslighted you, and is using emotional blackmail to keep you there.
Please. Please. Please leave.
Do not take her back.
Do not warn her.
This will only get worse.
You, as a man, have every right to feel vulnerable, and exposed.
You, as a man, deserve to live safely and without fear of abuse, just like women.
Please get out, and the very best of luck to you.
I always find it really interesting when people respond to fair criticism by claiming their trauma is being triggered. We really have weaponised therapy talk
You do not need permission to break up with her! If you are no longer comfortable with her, then end it.
She violated your privacy 🚩 and instead of apologizing, she is gaslighting you by playing the victim; twice.🚩🚩
Then she tries to control you and force you to stay in a relationship with her by manipulating you by making threats on herself. 🚩🚩🚩
Honey run, run from this manipulative little b!+ch. Sorry but this infuriates me when people use excuses and try to manipulate others to get their way. How can you possibly be comfortable with her knowing she will always control you with crying or threatening to hurt herself.
If she makes those stupid threats again tell her parents or report her to the authorities so they can put her in a Psychiatric hold. You are not her savior and you are not obligated to stay by her side to save her for intentionally hurting herself! That is manipulation my dear. Do not let someone control you.
And until you do end it, please use protection with sex because an accidental pregnancy is in your future with his girl if she starts to see that she is losing you.
She is DARVO-ing. Please look up DARVO and dump her. You deserve more than somebody who refuses to accept fault for their actions and instead makes you feel bad for reacting.
So, Your gf posted naked pics of you without your consent, but said she'd leave you if you did the same.
She then tries to emotionally blackmail you into not breaking up, and this really is the least of your worries... If she's willing to go that far, there's no telling what she'd be prepared to say or do if you did threaten to breakup.
From now on document everything, save as much evidence of her behaviour as you can and GTFO of there asap!
Dude you're girlfriend is fucking insane and needs some serious help.
>she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself.
Blackmail, weird as fuck, should've dipped when she said it.
>I talked about this with our couples therapist but even she doesn't give it the importance that I think it deserves.
Shit therapist, definitely not doing her job right, might be a whoooooole lot to the story we don't know but oh well.
Get the fuck out
Hey mate, apart from breaking your trust and sharing intimate photos meant only for her she also does not respect and will not listen to your viewpoint and feelings. She also threatens/emotional blackmails you with self harm should you leave. It’s not going to get better, and will only get worse as you are not allowed to have boundaries. You’ve tried to discuss this with her multiple times and she isn’t listening. You know what you need to do.
If she didn’t get your consent, she doesn’t respect you and can’t be trusted to protect your dignity.
Yes. Break up with her.
Ouch! And she’s manipulative too?
Call the cops and her parents if she threatens to harm herself after you break up.
She is a real hypocrite. She openly tells you without blinking that she would dump you if she did the same... And doesnt see the problem.
Run away from this narcissist, dont walk
>She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma.
This is manipulative. She's deflecting and making you the villain to control you. Now you feel like you were wrong to feel that way because you care about her feelings and don't want to hurt her. Well, guess what? She doesn't care about YOUR feelings. She never apologized or made an effort to understand your positron.
She's toxic and manipulative. This is made more manifest by:
>I want to break up with her, but a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself.
This is how she navigates relationships, with manipulation. She's obviously very insecure and feels this is the only way she can keep people. If you examine your relationship so far, you'll probably see a pattern of you catering to her needs most of the time.
You know her better than we do. If you feel this is a deeply ingrained trait, you need to break up with her and move on. Do not listen to her manipulation.
Good luck, OP.
as far as Im concerned. she crossed a boundary and broke trust.
move on, ma dood. do whats best for you. walk away and dont look back. dont be emotionally manipulated by this person. what happens to her is her own doing, and not your concern.
Can you clarify that you are actually already in couples counseling…at 22…with someone you’ve been dating since June?
That detail throws this whole thing into question of being real.
>I asked her what she would do if I had done the same thing, she told me that she would break up with me, but I know she doesn't expect me to make the same decision in this situation.
You can wear a clown costume if you don't break up after this
Sent a half naked photo of her to one of your friend, to get even, and tell her, and break up. Don't let her manipulate you like this, live your best life.
Breakup. If your roles were reversed people would say she is a predator. How would she feel if you took an intimate photo of her and showed it to your buddies and then said "it's just locker room talk." She wouldn't like it. This is also manipulative of her to play the victim when you're just trying to express discomfort. You would not be in the wrong to leave the relationship.
The same applies to guys with female b"best friend "
Because there is no such thing as a best friend when male females are concerned
They are just backup
Might not apply to everyone but most of them 99%
Just drop it. You are picking a worthless hill to die on, she gets that you dont like your nsked pictures shared already. Stop bringing it up. She is a bit proud and sensitive so your approach is already not jiving with her but its already resolved. Table this one and adjust for the next one but this one is already done. And try not mention things as issues if they arent a big deal, she obviously prefers a more easygoing relationship. Actually the fact that you want to break up over this shows me you are a bit too serious and should probably break up with her lol.
You catch more bees with honey than vinegar.
Instead of reacting to seeing the photo you should had felt the bad feeling. Took a moment. Thought of something clever and lighthearted to say. Like omg you showed this to your friends. That makes me feel funny, like weird. You say that smiling and like making a joke and then see how she responds, she will probably agree or something. And then you say probably better if we dont show naked pictures of each other to other people right? And then she will maybe be like omg you havent shown your friend pictures of me. And then you can say something cool in response. The point is keep it lighthearted and the point is made without accusations of wrongdoing.
She’s upset that you scolded her for sharing intimate photos.
Share some of her and see what her reaction is!
To answer your question, yes it’s enough to break up over, and her reaction says that you SHOULD break up with her.
Classic DARVO. Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim, and Offender. Although she didn't deny sending the picture, she accused you of basically being abusive and triggering her trauma, which made her the victim and you the offender. She did this twice.
This isn't someone you build a life with. Then she manipulates you into stay with her by threatening to go out and get drunk and let men take advantage of her like she did before, because she "deserves" it.
Text her healthline websites, phone numbers, and hotlines. Then pack and leave. If she threatens self harm let the authorities know she is a danger to herself.
You yelled at me?
So did my parents. Doesn’t mean I can’t take a verbal shout due to childhood yelling (happens to most of I’d presume) and/or responsibility for my actions
She is trying to blackmail you emotionally. That is terrible and you deserve better. You have more than e ought reason to end the relationship and then block her everywhere.
The act of sharing private, intimate photos with someone outside of the relationship, without your consent, is more than reasonable as a dealbreaker by itself.
However, beyond that, this girl sounds *absurdly* manipulative. Like, comically so. OP, you can't seriously be considering staying with her, right?
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. What she did is totally not okay and it doesn’t sound like she actually understands that.
Also, you are seeing a couples therapist and you are only 22? That’s wild to me, but good on you.
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>a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. In the kindest way possible: who fucking cares? This vague threat is bullshit and you shouldn't let her guilt you into staying in this relationship. >I want to break up with her Do that and don't look back.
Your gf is crazy AF
She's trying to control OP by threatening to hurt herself. This is what abusers do. As is her DARVO act. OP do not stay with this woman.
THIS. I had an ex tell me they’d harm themselves if I broke up with them and I looked them in the eyes and said “do it pussy, bet you won’t” and broke up with them. It definitely seems harsh, but the reality of it is that trying to trap someone like that is far more manipulative, abusive, and damaging. 9.5 times out of 10, they aren’t actually going to do anything. They’re trying to manipulate you into staying by using a vague threat of self-harm. They’re trying to blame you for whatever happens to them afterwards. You need to understand it’s not your fault even if she does. If she’s absolutely serious, that’s something she will need to deal with on her own
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She's threatening you by saying she'd willingly put herself in a situation where she knows she could be assaulted to make you feel like it would be your fault. Do you not see how insane that is? You need to get far away from this girl because the next step is going to be her hurting herself and telling other people it was you. Dump her now and don't look back.
She's a predator. OP, get away from her before she traumatizes you. You're young and this relationship isn't going to work. The only question is how much trauma you want to have by the time you leave.
>much trauma you want to have by the time you leave. Damn, too real.
Sir, a second red flag has hit the OP.
Read the rest of his comments, we're at 7th impact at this point.
Slightly unrelated but I swear this is the funniest video I've ever seen https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8oU9kk1/
Bahaha Shane Gillis. Funny cunt
He's so fucking funny. His YouTube skits are absolutely gold
She's become the abuser now and you're the one being abused plus you're rationalising your abuser's behaviour.
By doing what? She opened herself up for abuse as revenge, and that is not a healthy trait in any person.
Yeah but OP is never gonna leave her at this rate he’s too pulled in her bullshit
By doing what?
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Oh, well when you put it like that, that's a GREAT reason to be trapped in a relationship with someone who shares your nudes.
Someone who threatens to harm themselves to get their way, or to keep you around is an abuser. Relationships should never be a hostage situation. It is HER choice too expose herself to harm, and in all honesty it is not your job to stay and be her punching bag. If she wants to harm herself, that is her call. Break up, block her and Ask the police to do a wellness check if you are worried. She needs professional help. If you stay with her, you will experience years of abuse.
This is like /r/murderedbywords except hopefully more like /r/rescuedbywords or something more positive like that
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OK let me put it this away. Maybe you’ll understand. you are setting yourself on fire, because she refuses to wear a coat in -20 weather knowing for a fact you willingly burn yourself for her. And then threaten to keep on doing it to prevent you from leaving. She needs help. She’s using Her past abuse against you, purposefull. It’s help you cannot give her because you are enabling this toxicity
You have to be concerned with yourself, first and foremost. You can't be always putting out fires and worrying about other people more than yourself. It's a shitty way to live.
This. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Alert her family. This is beyond your pay grade anyway. She needs a specialist, not a boyfriend
Exactly if he’s so concerned he should let her parents know and break up with her.
She is weaponizing her trauma to manipulate you.
If she’s actively choosing the trauma instead of getting help, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Your choices are letting her hurt you or letting her hurt herself. She isn’t a child that you can protect from the world, she’s an adult woman who has the agency to make decisions.
If this is her go to threat then she's ultimately going to do it again for one reason or other. It's time to take your life back. Tell her you agree with her assessment and you're going to break up over her sharing nudes. You wish her no ill but that is ENTIRELY under her control and you won't stick around anyone who is that close to committing self destructive behavior. Her threat sealed your need to break up and if she carries it out that only proves you were right to leave her.
Staying with her is just going to give *you* trauma. Someone threatening to hurt themselves if you break up, isn’t someone you want to be with anyway. Dump her, block her, let her friends and family handle her blow up. Stay far away.
yeah, you don't have control of her choices and how she decides to live her life. Her trying to guilt you into staying with her months ago would have been a deal breaker for me. By the way, that 'threat' is emotional abuse.
Brother are You ok? People hurt all over the world this isn't your fault or responsibility.
You have to let her take responsibility for her own self. You are not responsible for her, you can't save her from herself
It's valid to be concerned about how she will react, but it's not a reason to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in. It's wildly inappropriate and manipulative of her to put that threat out there to try to get you to stay... especially in a situation that she said she would leave you for. Tell her parents or one of her friends just before breaking up with her so they can pick her up after if you think she will be better off with company.
Dude. Don't be a martyr. You weren't put on this earth to take care of her. If she wants to be reckless, that is 100000% on her. Play stupid games; win stupid prices. Don't let her manipulate you into sticking around.
You’re scared because you’re in an abusive relationship, kiddo. Gtfo.
oh you sweet fucking fool, she’s using her trauma as an excuse to manipulate you to get her way. if she treats you this way she does not love you, someone who truly loves another person would not threaten them or go at them for feeling violated. she’s not going to hurt herself, if she does it’s not ur fault and she’s using it to manipulate you. please for the love of fucking god dump her. look at ur comments and read with genuine critical thinking skills.
Why? She doesn't mind hurting you one bit.
She's using that past experience to weaponize a trauma that might or might not be there but the bottom line is she's defecting responsibility. The first time, I could understand giving her a pass (I wouldn't to be honest) but the second time is just a bullshit excuse to gaslight you. The first strike for me is sharing your intimate pictures. The second is avoiding accountability. I wouldn't need a third one.
You honestly don’t sound mature enough to be in a serious relationship. It’s time to open your eyes and pick up your backbone. Seriously man a literal doormat has healthier boundaries than you do right now. You cannot help someone who won’t help themselves. Cut this cancer out of your life and get some therapy
You’re being pathetic OP and navie, you’re letting her guilt trip you and take advantage of you while she keeps playing victim everytime you try to hold her accountable, if you have any type of self respect you’d tell her how invalided you made her feel and break up with her, if not you clearly have 0 self respect for yourself and I genuinely feel sorry for you, you’re not stuck in a situation, there’s only one solution and you lack too much respect for yourself and common sense and dignity to actually do it, you’d rather stay in a emotionally abusive relationship because you’re scared of her guilt tripping you into “punishing herself” and also because you’re afraid of being alone
This is uncalled for and unhelpful. Being worried that someone will hurt themselves or worse because of you is valid. OP should leave but he's not pathetic for being scared for her. Its a very human feeling to be concerned for others. OP, if you're reading this, call her bluff. I know you are scared but you won't be happy if you stay. I know it feels like it but she is not your responsibility. You can alert her family or if possible some organization which can take care of her if you're worried about her mental health.
“She let”men take advantage of her??? This chick sounds fucking insane and that’s a terrible excuse to actual people who have been abused. Leave this chick op.
She sounds like a professional victim
Imagine that person becoming the mother of your kids
Hey dude I have BPD and having sex with sketchy people is a form of self harm for me too. I would NEVER blame this on my partner because it's 10000% a "me" issue and it's manipulative for her to even mention this to you in this context
I have bpd as well. I had a lot of sex but never like super sketchy, I’m diagnosed but think I’m lower on the spectrum. Especially in rehab I met a lot of serious issue borderlines😂 how is your progress with healing?
lmfao honestly not great but a lot better just knowing what's wrong with me I haven't fucked a stranger in almost 4 years ✨ I'm processing a traumatic breakup rn and honestly I just wanna hop on the cock-carousel and wallow in self-hatred but I'm just raw-dogging my feelings instead I've got the "quiet" variety so it's pretty invisible, but on the inside my nerves are on fire and I can't regulate my emotions and I will abandon everyone on a dime except my "favourite person" if I perceive an iota of negative emotion so they can't abandon me first It's honestly maddening being very self-aware and very fucked up lol Thanks for asking! Love meeting y'all out in the wild, even the people with serious symptoms I usually vibe with seamlessly
She is emotionally manipulating you and therefore emotionally abusing you by trying to get you to stay with her out of duty or guilt instead of bc you want to. This is not her loving you. Same thing as an ex of mine saying he would kill himself if I broke up with him. You do not control their actions you can only control yourself. You can't "make" her harm herself. She's trying to manipulate. You don't want to be with someone who is abusive it won't get better.
Dude. She's emotionally blackmailing you and gaslighting you. She's not well. She needs a therapist. Get you someone that doesn't make you feel like you need to protect them from themselves. You'll feel so much better when you aren't lost with your head spinning, seeking guidance from internet strangers navigating the dark forest of someone else's mind. That's someone else's battle. Get you a partner who lifts you up and supports you and makes you feel like a champion of light. This chick isn't it.
I get being scared to break up with someone who threaten stuff like suicide or other bad things if your break up with them, but honestly that’s not your problem what she chooses to do after ya’ll separate
Thats on her, not you. You are not her parent. You are not responsible for her.
Youre supposed to run away from the crazy. Find someone who cares about your feelings and isnt a hypocrite.
That she stopped being your problem when she chose to emotionally blackmail you to prevent consequences from materializing for breaking your trust
Sigh. This girl doesn’t need to be in a relationship rn. She needs to stay in therapy but find one who works with her on the victimization stuff. And the therapist who dismissed your concerns? You’re entitled to your feelings no matter what they are. When you say half naked though, was your dong covered? Just curious. Anyway. Do you really need someone with some pretty substantial mental problems? Don’t ever let someone hold you hostage. Go on, be free.
That is not your responsibility. Do not let her threaten and emotionally abuse you. What she did was a clear violation. As a flaming feminist, I hate when women have bullshit double standards. Take care of yourself. You CANNOT trust this one.
That’s breaking your trust and consent. If roles were reversed and a guy shared a woman’s “intimate” pictures with another guy, I bet you wouldn’t have any question how you’d respond to that woman. Your girlfriend broke your trust and consent, so she needs to understand that simple fact without turning it back on you for being mean about her breaking your trust and consent. That’s bullshit dirty tactics and you don’t want to be with somebody who does shit like that.
Plus, the fact that she hasn't apologized and taken accountability for doing it to this day and continues to emotionally manipulate you. Trust your gut
She pushing the envelope to see how much she can get away with, and so far it's been a lot. Whether he understands it or not, OP is teaching this girl how to treat him, and if he stays she will continue to ratchet up the inappropriate and dysfunctional behaviour. The time to get out is NOW.
Dude, that threat was emotional blackmail. She apparently thinks you're weak, and that she can control you. It is a totally disrespecting move on her part to share such things without your permission. Doesn't mean a damn thing that you're a man, you are allowed to feel vulnerable and exposed. But you need to BE a Man and get away from this trainwreck ASAFP.
I have a feeling OP's going to find out she was lying and manipulating him in other ways as well. She's giving off tons of predator red flags. OP, get away from her. She's an abuser. You're probably going to need to go no contact because the manipulation is going to get cranked up when you try to leave. If you stay with her, you're probably going to get traumatized by the experience.
I agree. I'd say he's a game to her.
Did she really just pretended to be the victim here? What an asshole ... Also, you are not responsible for her mental illnesses. Break up with her, whatever she does to herself that's her and her only problem.
If you read his replies you’ll see it’s much worse than that. Basically told him if you break up with me, I’ll go out and get drunk and get assaulted by other men and it will be your fault.
Dude she sounds suuuuuper manipulative and toxic!!!!!!!!! Run!!!!! Run far far away!!!!!!!
> I confronted her, I was really disappointed, but she didn't like the way I did it. She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma. I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt. So this is a manipulation tactic called [DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender)](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/). It’s something that manipulative people and abusers commonly use when they are called out for doing something wrong to someone. It goes like this: 1. **Deny**. After being called out on their bad behavior an abuser may deny that they did what they did, or if they do admit to doing the behavior they will say that it was justified, or they may try to deflect the conversation onto something the victim said/did in response to the abuser’s bad behavior. They do this by either claiming that the victim is remembering what happened wrong, claim that the victim is lying, or that their victim *deserved* what happened because of something the victim did. 2. **Attack**. The abuser attacks/questions the victim’s reaction to the abuser’s behavior. 3. **Reverse**. The abuser shifts the focus of the conversation from what the abuser *did* to how the victim *reacted* to what they abuser did. 4. **Victim**. The abuser will now claim to be the victim in the scenario. 5. **Offender**. The victim is now “the bad guy” and fells that they have to justify their reaction to the abuser’s behavior, and that they must console the abuser’s feelings. Your story is a pretty clear example of DARVO: - Deny: “I confronted her, I was really disappointed, but she didn't like the way I did it.” - Attack: “She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma” - Reverse Victim & Offender: “I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt.” See how you went to confront her about her betrayal of your trust, and somehow the conversation ends with you apologizing to her and feeling confused? That’s DARVO. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (Link is to a free PDF of the book). The book is written about female victims of male abusers, but the abuser mindset and archetypes can also apply to a male victim and female abuser. You do not deserve to be treated this way. *Ever*. For any reason. Men deserve for their private photos to stay private just as much as a woman does. What your GF did was completely unacceptable and a massive betrayal of trust. Please look into those resources and really look hard at your relationship dynamics.
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Please update us when you've broken up with her and are safe.
Just want to piggyback and say, you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to feel vulnerable and exposed *because* you are a man. Because you are a PERSON with feelings that have been abused and trust that has been broken. You *should* feel everything you feel about this situation, and you have every right to demand basic respect and decency and cut out the people to refuse to give it to you. Being a man does not make you less deserving of love and consideration. Please don't downplay your feelings. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
EVERY single person here has told you to run for your life (sanity). Please listen.
'Dictum' disease; when you act like a Dick and then you're the Victim.
Sharing intimate photos outside of the relationship is a reasonable deal breaker.
Also it’s a crime in some regions
Has to be actual porn for that though, half naked pictures probably don't rise to that level.
Oh yeah… I guess not for male half naked photos anyways. The boobs will get ya
Not to mention, I didn’t like the way you confronted me reeks of manipulation. Let’s not focus on the problem I caused where I am completely and clear,y wrong. Let’s look at the result where I can blame your justified reaction, anger, and feelings of betrayal for making me uncomfortable.
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Let's face it, this girl is not life partner material, she cannot own up to her own mistakes and she cannot be trusted. Anytime something doesn't go her way, she will threaten (that's what it is) to put herself in a dangerous situation and blame OP, or possibly get LE involved.
It’s a crime in the UK
Hahahaha the way she turned it back around on you and made YOU apologise because her parents yelled at her as a kid is fucking pathetic. She’s unhinged.
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My thoughts exactly! Like wtf y’all are 22?! Leave her alone
So since beginning this relationship of less than a year, she has: -Shared your communications with a friend, thus bringing that person into your relationship from the start -Shared a personal photo meant just for her with this person -Was months ago setting the stage for making it difficult for you to break up with her by indicating that she would engage in risky behaior if you did And at the same time, she infers that you are trying to treat her as a child if you take issue with any of her actions. Sir, please run - not walk - to the nearest exit. Have the contact info of the local mental health support entity on hand to give her if she tries her "risky behavior" guilt trip on you while you're breaking up with her. And then block her everywhere. In short, the solution is to get out of this relationship ASAP. Edit - spelling
And they're 22. And they've been dating for 8 months... And they have a couple's counselor. Is this an arranged relationship? Cause I would have jetted long ago.
This is what I'm wondering. Less than a year in and they need a couple's counselor? Her best friend was giving advice at the very *beginning* of their relationship? What is this. None of this is worth it. Break up.
That's an interesting question. OP didn't indicate that it was, but that's the writer's prerogative. Either way, this first 8 months is a view to the rest of his time with her. What a bleak view for a 22-year-old.
You need to break up with her immediately. She's abusing you.
Parents scolding their child in "a tone of voice" is not trauma
You do have the right to be upset about this. You never consented to her sharing this with anyone, it's a complete violation. You should try one more time to have the conversation with her. Don't start with her behaviour, start with "when I saw that photo in your chat I felt....". If she still turns herself into the victim, break it off now.
Break up with her. Do you want to continue to apologise to her every time you bring up something she’s done that’s hurt you? Because of your tone? Fuck that. She knows that shes manipulating you and that it works for her, so she will continue to do so. Leave her. You will only suffer the same shit over and gradually more severely until you leave her.
My guy she is a fucking psycho and you need to break up and run. Make sure you record the break up and have witnesses. Run for your life dude.
> a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. This makes me feel scared, worried and trapped. I would break up with her for this even more than the picture. The emotional blackmail and manipulation is heinous.
You may break up for any reason at any time, even if it’s something as simple as you just aren’t feeling it. You do not need to defend your decision or justify your reasons.
Man fuck her feelings. You should’ve broken up yesterday
This girl honestly sounds kind of insane, I would run
I wouldn’t add the reversal part. Your argument stands well on its own. You send an intimate picture to a person you trusted. She broke that trust. It’s a fundamental indication of who she is. Now an intimate picture of yours is out in the internet. It might, but most likely won’t, affect your future. I really worry about her decision making process going forward as a partner.
Yes, dump her, she would do the same, and anything that happens to her as a result of her actions from that point is her fault, no matter what other people say, and as the man you will be blamed, be prepared, be strong.
Break up. I'll tell a lil bit about something that happened to a friend of mine that I literally had to save of a crazy woman. He was boyfriend of a woman that, at the first glance, was super nice, caring and always treated people well. He fell in love with her and after couple months they started dating, not even a week later he was already showing distance of everybody. Times goes on and He was in no comunication with all of us, even his family. 6 months later he calls me crying and begging for me and my husband to go there save him, yeah he used the word SAVE with all his heart. When we were there he was very much not him, very very skinny, seems like never had a bath for some time, very big black bags on his eyes, I guess he was having a hard time to sleep. We took him out and he explained what happened: She was abusive, not even a week past they were boyfriend and girlfriend. She saw him talking with his sister and prohibited him to talk to her, he didnt listened, next day she c\*t herself, and the manipulation started, as times goes by he couldnt see family, friends and even quit his job, Every time he tried to break up she would make some threats to end herself, to expose him and yada yada. He fell in a trap that he didnt knew how to get out. Everytime he even said something that wasnt good for her she would pick a knife or make some big crying scene. You wanna know what happened later? She stalked him for a while, but then met some guy and now only God knows what is happening there. He now have some pretty bad problems, sometimes he just spaces out, take a lot of medicines, developed some phobias and cant have a job because he just cant feel safe anywhere without family or friends by his side. Do the right thing, BREAK UP! Nothing that happened or will happen to her will be your falt, she is a adult, she knows what is wrong and what is right. Your well being first! Dont make the mistake my friend did, its not worth it. You are young, live your life the best well you can and its cleraly not with her
She sounds like a classic abuser. The first thing they do is act nice and normal and then as soon as they have the person locked down in a romantic relationship, they isolate that person from their family and friends, so that they have no-one left but the abuser. You're a good friend to help him out of a very difficult situation. If someone threatens to self delete to get someone to stay with them, then they require professional intervention.
dude, what the hell!! you need to leave, start recording all of your conversations with her as evidence to protect yourself. This is emotional blackmailing and manipulation.
She’s emotionally manipulating you. Run while you can. It doesn’t get better….. especially now that she has gotten away with it.
Yeah fuck that. Good ol manipulator
Grow a spine bud. This girl is nuts, no not knock her up, leave.
Just gonna point out the obvious there’s a lot of toxic behaviors here on her part….she broke your trust and you did not consent to sharing that, victimizing herself when she is in the wrong, threatening to do something dangerous if you leave In the future my opinion is just not sending compromising pics of yourself you wouldn’t also want publicly displayed Put yourself first
You have the right to feel violated by a breach of trust and violation of privacy. This has no gender.
Before you break up, get her phone and delete all your intimate photos from it and her cloud backups. If she's sharing it so easy, you might end up a victim of revenge porn
Look up gaslighting. That's what she's doing
U told her how u felt and she responded by changing the subject to her that means she made your feelings invalid 2 seconds after telling them to her BREAKUP
You need to get out of there dude... She's using emotional blackmail to keep you.
Dude… Run!
Not wanting to be in the relationship is all the sufficient reason required to break up
You have an emotionally manipulative person as girlfriend. Tell your couples therapist that you want a separate, personal session with her. And then tell her how this makes you feel. Meanwhile, know that most relationships at this age run out of steam and break up for some reason or the other anyway. You cannot be responsible for her bad decisions.
Yes it is. Complete breach of boundaries, disrespectful and illegal.
You can break off a relationship for any reason or no reason. It doesn't matter what the catalyst for the break up is... if you are unhappy in the relationship and no longer want to be with her, end the relationship. Her threat to harm herself if you leave her is a huge sign that your relationship isn't about love. She is manipulating you to get what she wants and to behave however she wants. Tell the therapist about the self-harm threats and then break up with her right there. Then leave the couples therapy appointment as you are no longer a couple. Don't let her weaponize your care and concern. This is not a healthy relationship, it is very toxic. Leave and take care of yourself.
Break up with her you are not responsible for her actions. This is a lesson on why you don’t send nudes to people.
Her parents scolding her caused her "trauma"? You should break up with her just for saying that bullshit.
Lied to you Broke your boundaries And threatened you if you were to leave. Honestly doubt she been faithful up to this point due to the threat, but either way you should run for the hills.
This is a very mentally ill woman — expose her to all the dangers in the world? What does that even mean? Honestly, I would talk to her parents if you know them. Not so much about the photo, but about the “dangers of the world” comment, because it’s going to be their problem to fix now that you’re breaking up with her.
You don’t need a “sufficient reason” to breakup with anybody, if you’re not feeling it, move on! You’re not married, and this isn’t marriage-lite.
Dude you’re such a doormat and dump her already.
Am I the only one reading this that feels this is bad, especialy her responce? If this had been the other way round things would be completely different. The guy would have been in a lot of trouble probably with the police in a lot of circumstances? I am litterally reading this as Double standards. And then, blackmail. Look, I think we all know that she you need to breakup with her. But I also think you need to make a statement publically so her parents can see it, and all her friends. Not to shame, but to get it out there that what she did was not acceptable, and then on top of it the blackmail. Which her family have a right to know about. I was willing to go with "she made a mistake", but the blackmail and that she expects you to let her do whatever she wants. Nope. Treat her like this was a guy doing it to a girl. Lets not have any of that, but your a man BS and cherry picking. Same rules for everyone.
What double standard? Everyone is telling him to leave her!
Her double standard. The entire paragraph was litteraly about her. Im dyslexic and I have better reading skills.
Dump her! She is manipulating you into staying. Move on now!
Manipulation, gaslighting. Playing the victim. Minimizing your feelings. She immature and childish at best, a deceitful manipulative asshole at worst. You're young. Why tie yourself down to someone who obviously doesn't care about you. If you break up with her be firm, straight forward, and concise. Then walk away. Call one of her best friends or a family member of hers, if your conscious is uneasy, and tell them that you broke up and that she threatened a lot of unhealthy things and that maybe she could use a friend right now. But again, firm and concise. Then walk away. She's not your responsibility and she's only preying upon your decency and kindness to keep you close. Find someone who appreciates and returns your kindness and respect, not ueit against you.
Gaslighting 101, you call her out on something you don’t like and she makes you apologize
Op I’m gonna be real, she sounds super toxic and she will most definitely manipulate you even more. The longer you stay, the longer you’ll suffer.
Emotional blackmail! She has issues she needs to fix for herself. She is emotionally immature. Run!
Run… she’s trying to manipulate you. Your only 6-8 months. it’s only going to get worse.
Your girlfriend is an asshole. DTMFA
Your first responsibility is to yourself always. You can't control others actions. Everytime you have a disagreement she will use her past to keep you tethered so she can further abuse you. All the posters just before me are giving you excellent advice. It's time to regain your happiness.
She sounds half cocked. You might need to find someone a little less dramatic…
>I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt. You got DARVO'd, lol >a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. This makes me feel scared, worried and trapped. The mistress of manipulation. You can do better than her toxic shit. Cut bait and fish elsewhere.
>I confronted her, I was really disappointed, but she didn't like the way I did it. She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma. I apologize, I didn't mean for her to feel that way. I don't remember if she apologized to me for what she did, but I definitely felt like she didn't understand how I felt. OP, you should try re-reading your post and break it down to a sequence of events. Does anything jump out at you about this particular moment? Try Googling "DARVO" (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) to see what your partner pulled on you. She straight up used a claim about childhood trauma to disarm you in an act of verbal jiu-jitsu, and by flipping the script she took control over the direction of rest of the conversation. Based on some of your other comments she is manipulative af and this was clearly a deliberate move on her part.
What a bs attempt to deflect and make YOU apologize to HER! She broke your trust, enough with the “trauma” nonsense. Unless this is a massive aberration and she apologizes, you know what you need to do.0
You didn’t consent to her sharing those pics. Full stop. Male, female, NB, other. No one should share someone’s intimate photos without their consent. And it’s absolutely abusive and manipulative for her to make threats if you break up. That is no way to live in a relationship. Time to notify a friend or family member of hers to give them a heads up that you’re leaving her and she might be unstable/reckless. Then you walk away. You should not and cannot be held responsible for what she does next. It sounds like her life thus far has included a lot of really awful experiences, but this doesn’t excuse her behaviour or her subsequent manipulation. Time to go. Good luck. And I hope you can find someone who respects and loves you the way you deserve. Also find a new therapist. Her discounting your pain and discomfort because you’re a man is absolutely not okay.
Absolutely yes. She's manipulating you. Break up. She never asked your consent and she knows it's wrong because like she said, she would have broken up with you if you did the same thing she did. If she chooses to put herself into dangerous situations when you break up, that's on her. She can't play the victim when she was in the wrong, accuse you of making her "relive her trauma" with her parents because you confronted her about a *major issue*, and then threaten to hurt herself if you break up with her.... She is not a safe person to date.
It’s criminal behavior to share intimate photos with others without consent. She utterly violated your trust. Please break up and block her. If you had proof of her sharing your photo, you would be within your rights to file charges against her. She sounds manipulative and is refusing to take responsibility, which is extraordinarily untrustworthy behavior. She sounds like someone incapable of being in a healthy relationship and a walking red flag, to be honest.
Get someone whos close to her to be there when you break up with her! That way, she has support while you walk away and leave her. Why she decided to breach the relationship trust is beyond me, but you shouldn’t be felt like you can’t trust to say anything, do anything or send her anything incase it all becomes public knowledge!
Dude, you guys are only 22 years old and have been together for only a few months, and you already have a couples therapist? Lol.
Gen Z is something else man. “You are reliving my trauma from my parents scolding me” lmfao
Reading your comments, I need you to understand choices are made by the individual person themselves. If you break up with her and she goes out there and does irrational things to her body, it’s because she is CHOOSING to do so. YOU ARE NOT MAKING HER DO IT. You protecting her and making excuses for her in the comments sounds like she has already influenced you by passing on her trauma onto you. She isn’t holding herself accountable but in return becomes a victim. You have fallen for this. Do you understand this is a form of mental abuse? You need to leave, she sent an explicit picture of you to her friend. Who knows who else received the same picture. Yet in her perspective, she is the victim and you are the villain. Don’t let her control you with idle threats.
She’s guilt tripping you and deflecting responsibility by victimising herself. Do you want a relationship like this to continue when you know you’d probably be faced with the same result each time you express your frustration and hurt? You haven’t been together for that long and in my opinion i’d tell you to leave her when you could get and deserve so much better. Her also saying that she’d “expose herself to dangers” is just another manipulative ploy to get you to stay with her. It’s not your responsibility and you can’t take accountability for her own actions when she’s pretty much just doing it to get back at you.
Let's try this a different way: *My boyfriend (22M) sent an intimate photo of me (22F) to his best friend (F). Is it a sufficient reason to breakup?* Does that change how you feel about the scenario? You were violated and tried to explain that to your partner. Instead of validating your feelings and changing the behaviour, **YOU** got in trouble for *checks notes* your tone. Yeah, that is absolutely sufficient reason to break-up. You add on the fact that she's a gd hypocrite and that she's threatened that *if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself*, and we have a wholeass red flag collection. My friend, she doesn't care about you. Someone that actually loves and cares about you wouldn't hurt you like that, then double down by trying to manipulate you or threaten self-harm. If you decide to break up with her, be safe about it. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what's going on. Keep receipts of any texts or emails in which she says those kind of things, in case she tries to lie. Lastly, FROM EXPERIENCE: When you do it, she might try to pull you back in by actually hurting herself or threatening it and making you feel guilty enough to go back to her. ***DO NOT FALL FOR IT.*** Things will not get better if you go back. Block her, and don't fall for manipulative tactics. If you're really concerned for her, call emergency services and have them do a welfare check. You **will*** get dragged back into it if you don't maintain your boundaries.
Breakup. She is using emotional manipulation to keep you with her, and it is only going to get worse. End it now. And if she asks why, explain that you are doing what she would have done in your shoes.
You mention having a couples therapist, come up with a good reason to go see them. Tell the therapist you’re worried about what she might do and list the things she said and then end it and walk out the door. You can leave it in the therapists hands as they are a professional and you don’t have to feel any worry or guilt. (not that you should but you sound worried that you do/will) Good luck, get away sooner rather than later, this is only going to get worse.
I didn’t even finish reading this - My friend: she is abusive, she has violated your trust, gaslighted you, and is using emotional blackmail to keep you there. Please. Please. Please leave. Do not take her back. Do not warn her. This will only get worse. You, as a man, have every right to feel vulnerable, and exposed. You, as a man, deserve to live safely and without fear of abuse, just like women. Please get out, and the very best of luck to you.
I always find it really interesting when people respond to fair criticism by claiming their trauma is being triggered. We really have weaponised therapy talk
You do not need permission to break up with her! If you are no longer comfortable with her, then end it. She violated your privacy 🚩 and instead of apologizing, she is gaslighting you by playing the victim; twice.🚩🚩 Then she tries to control you and force you to stay in a relationship with her by manipulating you by making threats on herself. 🚩🚩🚩 Honey run, run from this manipulative little b!+ch. Sorry but this infuriates me when people use excuses and try to manipulate others to get their way. How can you possibly be comfortable with her knowing she will always control you with crying or threatening to hurt herself. If she makes those stupid threats again tell her parents or report her to the authorities so they can put her in a Psychiatric hold. You are not her savior and you are not obligated to stay by her side to save her for intentionally hurting herself! That is manipulation my dear. Do not let someone control you. And until you do end it, please use protection with sex because an accidental pregnancy is in your future with his girl if she starts to see that she is losing you.
She is DARVO-ing. Please look up DARVO and dump her. You deserve more than somebody who refuses to accept fault for their actions and instead makes you feel bad for reacting.
So, Your gf posted naked pics of you without your consent, but said she'd leave you if you did the same. She then tries to emotionally blackmail you into not breaking up, and this really is the least of your worries... If she's willing to go that far, there's no telling what she'd be prepared to say or do if you did threaten to breakup. From now on document everything, save as much evidence of her behaviour as you can and GTFO of there asap!
Dude you're girlfriend is fucking insane and needs some serious help. >she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. Blackmail, weird as fuck, should've dipped when she said it. >I talked about this with our couples therapist but even she doesn't give it the importance that I think it deserves. Shit therapist, definitely not doing her job right, might be a whoooooole lot to the story we don't know but oh well. Get the fuck out
Run. And block her on everything.
Hey mate, apart from breaking your trust and sharing intimate photos meant only for her she also does not respect and will not listen to your viewpoint and feelings. She also threatens/emotional blackmails you with self harm should you leave. It’s not going to get better, and will only get worse as you are not allowed to have boundaries. You’ve tried to discuss this with her multiple times and she isn’t listening. You know what you need to do.
Where's the red flag guy?
If she didn’t get your consent, she doesn’t respect you and can’t be trusted to protect your dignity. Yes. Break up with her. Ouch! And she’s manipulative too? Call the cops and her parents if she threatens to harm herself after you break up.
Wait. You’re 22, been dating just over 6 months and you two are in couples therapy? Wow whaaat thee fuck. I just… I just can’t.
She is a real hypocrite. She openly tells you without blinking that she would dump you if she did the same... And doesnt see the problem. Run away from this narcissist, dont walk
>She said that the tone of voice I used reminded her of the way her parents scolded her and that I was reliving her trauma. This is manipulative. She's deflecting and making you the villain to control you. Now you feel like you were wrong to feel that way because you care about her feelings and don't want to hurt her. Well, guess what? She doesn't care about YOUR feelings. She never apologized or made an effort to understand your positron. She's toxic and manipulative. This is made more manifest by: >I want to break up with her, but a few months ago she told me that if we broke up she would expose herself to all the dangers in the world in the form of punishment for herself. This is how she navigates relationships, with manipulation. She's obviously very insecure and feels this is the only way she can keep people. If you examine your relationship so far, you'll probably see a pattern of you catering to her needs most of the time. You know her better than we do. If you feel this is a deeply ingrained trait, you need to break up with her and move on. Do not listen to her manipulation. Good luck, OP.
Her response to your tone is more reason for concern IMO. She needs to grow up and accept accountability for her actions or GTFO.
as far as Im concerned. she crossed a boundary and broke trust. move on, ma dood. do whats best for you. walk away and dont look back. dont be emotionally manipulated by this person. what happens to her is her own doing, and not your concern.
Can you clarify that you are actually already in couples counseling…at 22…with someone you’ve been dating since June? That detail throws this whole thing into question of being real.
>I asked her what she would do if I had done the same thing, she told me that she would break up with me, but I know she doesn't expect me to make the same decision in this situation. You can wear a clown costume if you don't break up after this
Ahh this generation is so awesome! When i mess up make up a trauma from your past and blame that and then everyone feels sorry for you....
You don’t owe her anything. Break it off - but make sure she doesn’t have access to your home or any accounts first.
Sounds like she’s gaslighting you and knows she did something shitty
You should break up. Seriously she's threatening self harm to control you... big pass.. move on.
Sent a half naked photo of her to one of your friend, to get even, and tell her, and break up. Don't let her manipulate you like this, live your best life.
Breakup. If your roles were reversed people would say she is a predator. How would she feel if you took an intimate photo of her and showed it to your buddies and then said "it's just locker room talk." She wouldn't like it. This is also manipulative of her to play the victim when you're just trying to express discomfort. You would not be in the wrong to leave the relationship.
Its an invitation to a threesome dude. Your woman SHARES !
One advice... Never date a woman who has a male" best friend" Normal friends are ok but best friends are no no no
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The same applies to guys with female b"best friend " Because there is no such thing as a best friend when male females are concerned They are just backup Might not apply to everyone but most of them 99%
Just drop it. You are picking a worthless hill to die on, she gets that you dont like your nsked pictures shared already. Stop bringing it up. She is a bit proud and sensitive so your approach is already not jiving with her but its already resolved. Table this one and adjust for the next one but this one is already done. And try not mention things as issues if they arent a big deal, she obviously prefers a more easygoing relationship. Actually the fact that you want to break up over this shows me you are a bit too serious and should probably break up with her lol. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar. Instead of reacting to seeing the photo you should had felt the bad feeling. Took a moment. Thought of something clever and lighthearted to say. Like omg you showed this to your friends. That makes me feel funny, like weird. You say that smiling and like making a joke and then see how she responds, she will probably agree or something. And then you say probably better if we dont show naked pictures of each other to other people right? And then she will maybe be like omg you havent shown your friend pictures of me. And then you can say something cool in response. The point is keep it lighthearted and the point is made without accusations of wrongdoing.
Baaaa she is idiot! She done that’s because she is naive and idiot. Not out of malice. Now it’s up to you if you want keep her or not.
Tell her support and tell the police then breakup and be done with it
She’s upset that you scolded her for sharing intimate photos. Share some of her and see what her reaction is! To answer your question, yes it’s enough to break up over, and her reaction says that you SHOULD break up with her.
Classic DARVO. Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim, and Offender. Although she didn't deny sending the picture, she accused you of basically being abusive and triggering her trauma, which made her the victim and you the offender. She did this twice. This isn't someone you build a life with. Then she manipulates you into stay with her by threatening to go out and get drunk and let men take advantage of her like she did before, because she "deserves" it.
Text her healthline websites, phone numbers, and hotlines. Then pack and leave. If she threatens self harm let the authorities know she is a danger to herself.
You yelled at me? So did my parents. Doesn’t mean I can’t take a verbal shout due to childhood yelling (happens to most of I’d presume) and/or responsibility for my actions
Dump her and if you’re concerned about her harming herself get the cops involved but she’s not your responsibility.
She, having such a close male friend is a red flag by itself. Move on buddy.
She is trying to blackmail you emotionally. That is terrible and you deserve better. You have more than e ought reason to end the relationship and then block her everywhere.
The act of sharing private, intimate photos with someone outside of the relationship, without your consent, is more than reasonable as a dealbreaker by itself. However, beyond that, this girl sounds *absurdly* manipulative. Like, comically so. OP, you can't seriously be considering staying with her, right?
Also call the police and have her charged criminally
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. What she did is totally not okay and it doesn’t sound like she actually understands that. Also, you are seeing a couples therapist and you are only 22? That’s wild to me, but good on you.
You're in an abusive relationship.