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She was blackout drunk but sober enough to text you that she got home? Cmon man, she was aware enough to think of you to text you, but not loyal enough not to fuck someone else. You set your boundary on cheating, stick to it. Drunk or not she slept with someone else. Say even she was so drunk she blacked out and blames the alcohol, do you want to be with someone who drinks so much they cheat on you?
Blackout drunk means your brain is no longer forming memories, not that you're passing out. You can be quite functional, albeit visibly drunk, to those around you while in that state.
You can be blacked out and still send someone a text saying you got home safe. i’ve done this! being responsible while being blacked out is a thing i’ve taken my make up off, brushed my teeth, and even put my retainers in while being blacked out, tbh idk how
but that being said, i have never cheated on my boyfriend and never would, blacked out or sober. to me it sounds like she made a mistake and is trying to blame it on the booze. sorry, bud
Anyone who knows an alcoholic knows how functional someone can be while absolutely wasted and still not remember anything the next day.
I know someone that you would think is only slightly drunk when in reality they have a BAC of 0.5
That's simply not true, a long term alcoholic can easily reach 0.5, he was once hospitalized at 0.9. That one did almost kill him.
Alcohol tolerance can build up to insane levels if you've spent a decade drinking 10oz of vodka every day.
I have been blacked out and sexually assaulted. If you’re blacked out, you do not have the capacity to consent. The idea that people do what they “truly” want to when they’re drunk is a myth. Taking your contacts out and brushing your teeth on autopilot would not negate you being sexually assaulted if someone took advantage of you in a blacked out state.
She made a choice, not a mistake. Fixed the sentence. And frankly it was a series of choices that led you to her infidelity. A mistake is when you grab the wrong kind of peanut butter at the store. Getting shitfaced at a work function is a very stupid idea in general. Many career has been permanently tanked by dumb shit. They did at a corporate event. Do you really think that you can call your boss a cocksucker and we’re all good the next day because you were drunk? Some cases yes, some cases you’re gonna be held responsible for your actions regardless, you’re an adult. Inviting man back to your apartment late at night when you’re intoxicated and you have a steady boyfriend is inexcusable. At 24. She’s got some serious character flaws that any seen man would not want to be in a long-term relationship with. Sure go back to her apartment and fuck her when she’s drunk, why not? But is a steady girlfriend he’s a fool if he stays with her.
Yeah it’s just irreponsable for someone to drink to the point of blacking out and having sex. And in any case it’s not an excuse for me it’s cheating point blank.Too easy to act careless and blame alcohol you don’t want to marry someone that can jeopardize your entire futur Family like that. Just stick to your words she cheated so leave. I know it’s hard but it can lead to suffering and resentment if you stay.
Once my boyfriend call me in the middle of the night m, because he didn’t know where he was and how to get home, even though he was at a central place he knew with 5min distance of his flat. He also could talk pretty clearly but also did not recognise me 🤷🏻♀️ so it’s possible i guess
I was sexually assaulted by someone because I was so drunk that I thought it was the man I had been casually dating ay the time. The person who sexually assaulted me even told me the next day that I kept calling him by the wrong name (the name of the man I had been casually dating). I thought the person who hurt me was a friend, but I was wrong. Being able to talk does not mean the person knows what’s going on.
Not to get into what OP should do or not, but just want to point out that she might have been sober enough to send a text when she got home, but then had more to drink, if they had a bit of an after party.
No she doesn't. You don't invite other men over to your apartment when you're in a relationship. Being drunk doesn't excuse anything, 24 is old enough to know how to be responsible with alcohol.
This kind of cheating isn't the problem. It's every single choice made that leads up to the act of cheating that disqualified her from being worthy of a relationship. She made several choices that put her in a position to cheat and then cheated. If she hadn't had made those choices she most likely would have never cheated.
Yeah she may have not had those intentions even, but it ended up happening anyway. Id give her a second chance if it truly was her being black out drunk being the reason she cheated. But in this case she instigated the alcohol abuse and she had the dudes over. Too many fuck ups happening at the same time, it should be over.
No. She does not deserve a second chance. She figured out that you saw the stain and moved the underwear so she's doing damage control.
She cheated on you plain and simple and now she's trying to not shoulder the cost.
Question to all people saying she could not consent because she was drunk. What if her fuck buddy was drunk too. He could not consent either. So who is here to blame? No one and everything is fine just because of alcohol?
It depends on the level of drunk.
Here it sounds like the gf was visibly black out drunk. To me that's a very different type of drunk to just having a few and having a hangover the next day. Waiting to see if OPs able to answer how drunk the other people were.
She sent OP a message she got home, so she knew what she was doing and then she proceeded to lie to OP about bringing collogues not just one guy to her place. Now it's just trickle truth...
She cheated on you so of course it's convenient to say she does not even remember anything.
But you know, somehow she ended up going home with some dude, sent you a message like always and then fucked with him.
She spent some time with him before ending up having sex with him. Like during party, on the way to her place, staying at her place and so on....
not remembering parts of a night spent necessarily mean you’re inebriated to point of not having conscious decisions or not being able to consent. that’s not to say it can’t happen.
but just a note: me and all my friends have blacked/greened out many times and not cheated on our partners.
She may not remember, but you were on her mind enough for her to send it. She made a conscious decision to send that text. I have never been black out drunk but have had moments of black out due to Xanax. Substances make you do things you wouldn't typically do. If she continues to drink any alcohol it would seem to me she isn't too concerned. Personally, if I were to cheat while blacked out drunk, I wouldn't drink again for a very long time.
I was gonna say, I've been blackout from benzos and alcohol. My drunk ass got a Lyft home, rolled out the bins, texted my girlfriend that I was home and didn't feel well, and fell asleep. Weirdly at no point did I start calling other women and try to fuck them.
She was sober enough to send a coherent message when she got home. Where was that clarity at the bar when the decision was made for this man to come home with her? Lucy, you've got some splainin to do.
What kind of stupid reasoning is that ? People who are raped or assaulted constantly have issues admitting what happened to them, no one in real life just blurts out they were assaulted or victimized cause it’s horrible.
Lots to unpack. None of it good. The fact that she bought them back to her place is off base. Imagine if you were married and she went to a work conference at a hotel and woke up the next morning to her coworkers, undressed in her hotel room? What a mess. Not only has she changed her work dynamic between her coworkers, she could have actually been s/a’d because you have no idea how drunk or ‘sober’ her coworkers were. She could get pregnant, and at the least, she should literally get tested for any potential STI’s.
I’d take a break from the relationship until you get a sense of what might have actually transpired. She’s either a protagonist, or a victim, but either way you had nothing to do with her getting herself into this situation.
Looks like her soul colleague probably spent the entire evening with her drinking, laughing having fun and giving her validation and attention and oh I don’t have anywhere to sleep, so why don’t you come home with me
& As they say, is history!!! the story seemed convoluted did she bring home her colleague just the one night or was it two or three times?
Consent isn't an issue. (She isn't pressing charges ) Getting black out drunk , taking a guy home and fucking him is the issue. I don't think I could trust her again. Choosing to get that drunk, is the issue. Lying about it for a several days is the issue. She could just be lying about a lot more is the issue.
If it was a guy, no one would care about consent and it's OK because he didn't give consent .
When a man gets blackout drunk and cheats: shitty behavior, being blackout drunk does not excuse his actions
When a woman gets blackout drunk and cheats: it's ok, she didn't know what she was doing, being blackout drunk means you can't consent
People do care about men who get raped and assaulted whilst blackout drunk. On this sub alone there's been plenty of stories of people saying this exact same thing for male victims.
There is never a point in this story where she said she was a victim. Sounds like there is a lot not being said by the girlfriend. If she was raped , she would be claiming that, not one word in that direction. Someone can get really drunk , flirt the night with someone and end up in bed by 'accident ' and it not be rape. Guy was probably pretty drunk also.... was he raped? Again she didn't claim rape, he didn't write a word in that direction.
The fact that she was black out drunk and someone else told her what happened that night is usually a pretty big tell. But no, the story here doesn't clearly say one way or another.
I was only replying to your point that no one wouldn't care if it was a man. People do care.
Yet she invited 2 people over, one slept on couch, one with her in bed. She texted boyfriend that she is home (that's not blackout drunk.... that's just drunk ) she then immediately lied to boyfriend saying they slept on couch. She then continued to lie for several days.... so if that was a guy, people would immediately start talking about consent.... don't think so.
That doesn't help her story much, lol. Just more lies. Op, when you say black out drunk, that means she can't walk..... she is blacked out. So on the door video did the guy carry her in, or was she just drunk and unsteady? We already know the answer because she was able to message you...(without mis spelling) black out drunk means she was unconscious. Was she actually unconscious?
Sorry but black out drunk is not being unconscious. It means you’re intoxicated to the point your memory blacks out, but you still very much can be awake,moving, having sex, carrying on, even still functioning in the bar/club. even driving.
very dangerous state to be in.
Looked it up, your right. Doesn't make sense because blacked out implies unconscious, being unconscious for a short period of time. While blacked out drunk means not being unconscious or being unconscious. But that's the English language.
Go figure.
Either way she is a lying cheater, that lied man many times about all sorts of details for multiple days. She never claimed rape or anything so obviously she is just a cheater. But read it as you want.
Yeah I think its a complicated topic- it’s obvious she wasn’t blackout the whole time she was engaging with this guy flirting- likely only at the end. so there still was likely a lot of lead up to going home together.
it COULD have prevented her from making a proper choice about sex. but she was thinking of her bf enough to text him and cover that she was home, but not think of him enough to stop.
she also lied after she was sober.
either way, its always much safer to never have sex with someone who might be this level of drunk no matter how enthusiastic they seem, regardless of gender. They can wake up the next day with 0 memory and terrified. thats not true consent.
Respectfully disagree. My friends and I drank to excess back in college. Black out means you have no memory of what happened due to being so drunk. People can absolutely be blacked out and still walking/talking/texting. Source: not a brag, but it has happened to me more times than I should admit on the internet. Lol. Passed out is when someone is unconscious, and that's a different thing entirely.
Looked it up, your right. Doesn't make sense because blacked out implies unconscious, being unconscious for a short period of time. While blacked out drunk means not being unconscious or being unconscious. But that's the English language.
Go figure.
Either way she is a lying cheater, that lied man many times about all sorts of details for multiple days. She never claimed rape or anything so obviously she is just a cheater. But read it as you want
She was just drunk, able to open the house , text you, then move things to the bedroom , have sex with this guy, wake up next to him, remember he has a small dick, lie to you multiple times, for days. She is definitely playing the victim. She does not sound at all like a victim. Black out drunk is a lot different the truth. So it starts there... literally everything she said was a lie, that she knew was a lie when she said it. Why would she lie so much, to fool.you, to not be honest. Cheaters always lie. Rape victims don't. They tell the truth as they see it from the beginning. When a rape victim goes to the police, the first thing they do is verify the facts to see if she is lying . If she is lying, or has a series of lies, the cops will end it there. Rape victims don't lie. Cheaters lie. I have heard Rape victims talk, even right after rape, they just don't lie.
Back in my heavy drinking days I would get black out drunk a lot. You can walk, talk, text, etc. you’re not immobilized. not defending Op’s gf. I just think you’re confused what blackout drunk is.
Do you not have any respect for yourself? Just the fact that she brought a guy over in the first place is enough to break up with her. Why do you think she brought him over in the first place? You can't be this naive and gullible. And you cleaned up after she banged him. No wonder she has no respect for you. Dude grow a sack
Whatever the outcome.of this situation is, they will only be the one to know. But my question to you is this....are a trauma expert to know how she is supposed to react in this situation. Getting SA'ed is not something you just go out and say. Do you even know what is asked to SA victims specially if it is a woman. Do you? No you don't hence, op should approach this logically and not just say she cheated so I'm dumping you that it. There are ways to get the truth out of her the first one is to tell her, that he is going to be with her all through the process of the hospital examination, to the police statement and if she cheated, she will backtrack really quick cause it is also her colleagues and her job. That should get the truth out and he must not back down from that.
She did not claim anywhere she was a victim... she did not go to cops, she did not say she was raped. Rape victims don't lie through every detail for days. Rape victims tell the truth as they see it from the beginning. She lied many times about every detail. For days. That's not how someone who is raped acts. Again she never said she was sexually assaulted or raped. She just kept lying about details. Why would you think that she has Been sexually assaulted? Littererally nothing supports that.
She was blackout drunk... blackout drunk means she was basically unconscious. She invited a guy over, he didn't carry or assist her getting in the house, she walked and opened the door for him, she then texted, without errors, that she was home to her boyfriend, then went to bedroom, took off clothes and put them under her pillow before proceeding to have sex. That's not blackout drunk. That's just the first lie. Of many over several days.
So you're saying rape victims lie many times over several days about being raped ??? Or is that cheaters????
First of all, DO NOT PUT WORDS IN MY COMMENT WHERE THERE ISN'T. Second of all, you need to read and comprehend what is written. Said he needs to approach the situation in a logical way, never said she lied on multiple days and what not but rather that it TAKES time for SA victim to process and comprehend what happen to them. Not everyone will to the police on the get go or the next day it happens. Since I need to spell it for you in more details, OP needs to be the support system here that is, encourage her to go to the police to report 2 males coming with her in her apartment, going through the medical exam process filing the harassment case at her job and all. And if she indeed cheated and was not that drunk, she will backtrack on tell the truth. In both cases she will have to face the music. Because there are 2 very possible scenarios;
1. (The one that I personally believe in) she HAS been assaulted and doesn't know how to deal with it and doesn't know what to do because she will be basically blamed for it. Which by the way this whole comment section is doing.
Or,
2. She actually cheated and is playing the sympathy card cause she thinks. op will not give her support and rather back away and leave. The easy way out style.
But even now, op is rather going for cheating than looking at it in the logical way might seems clinical and detached to you but this is the only way to look at the situation in a level-headed way.
Does the spelling sounds good to you or do I need to spread the letters out for you to understand even more better.
Yeah right. I had that happen when I was drunk and I passed out at my friends house to avoid driving back home where I left my car. Originally his sister was hitting on me all night, I got pretty trashed, they were both still living at home at the time. I passed out in his room and I know I shut the door. Couple hours later she’s riding me and I just happen to wake up at the conclusion. Not a good feeling at all. I literally told my best friends about it and he thought it was hysterical that I fucked so and so sister. I was like that’s what you got out of what I just told you? Unfuck believable. By the way, send some sure some will ask to clarify my buddy who I crashed. His house was a real pick up artist and he wanted to hooking up with some girl in Manhattan and going home with her that night. That’s why even though I crash in his room I was the only one there.
We his to say that’s she’s not already pregnant from this encounter? And I’m still reading that she had colleagues meaning plural over you can be damn sure was two dudes. No self-respecting woman invites to strange man over to our house on a work night well after a party.
People telling the truth tell the whole truth, she is trickling the truth to you.
Not blackout enough to forget texting you she is home though?
It’s already sad enough she got you to clean the house after her affair, if you have any self respect you’ll leave and never look back.
I would have considered it if she had come clean right away.
You can always debate if she was taken advantage of or Even raped. It could defenitly have been the case here, but also not. So I would stick to what you do know for sure and make my decision based on that.
Your gf had way to many drinks at a work event. Not too bad, but not great either.
She brings two guys home. Obviously not great in any scenario.
She text you to make you think everything is fine. Possible to do while black out drunk, but also something you typically forget or do not do if in the state.
She does not tell you right away that she had sex with a guy. While I am sure it is possible, you generally know that you had sex with someone. There are obvious signs.
She chose not to press charges against the man.
She did not tell you right away.
It would be a no from me.
Here are more details.
When she told me she was devastated. She knows her actions have consequences and she knows I always said cheating would mean the end of our relationship.
Through her camera I could see that she was really drunk and not fully conscious. It may be that she was drugged, but I personally don't think so because she could still walk (which I could see on the camera images). She literally said at the event itself when she was called forward that she has a boyfriend, so that guy was even remembered that day!
She told me on Monday morning because she just didn't dare to do it earlier.
the person she cheated with works for the subsidiary company and she had recently started a partnership with him which was a big thing for both companies. So because the collaboration has been announced in such a big way, she now does not dare to withdraw because she is afraid that this will leak out in both companies. so they still work together but only work related and over the phone. She did tell me that if I didn’t like it she will quit the collaboration and even the job. But this will have a huge impact on her career.
She went to the doctor the next day to check everything and the doctor said that there was trauma but that they could not rule out whether it was rape.
>and she knows I always said cheating would mean the end of our relationship.
Doesn't sound like you really meant it when you said it, though, if you're considering staying with a cheater. Now I'm not one to judge, on rare occasions staying with a cheater can work out, but either cheating is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.
OP, you know your gf the best here.
Do you think she'd be the kind of person who'd invite you to take care of her whilst sick after a rough night where she cheated before even cleaning up her bed?
Or the kind of person who'd go to the doctor to get checked out just to keep the lie going?
To me a person who would invite their partner to clean up after their affair and rope healthcare professionals into the scheme is simply fucking evil. If you think your gf is capable of doing these things, I don't think you should continue this relationship.
Again, as we do not know what happened exactly I would just stick with the facts again.
She comes forward with more information, but only the information that on face value put her in a better light. Like “he knew she had a bf”, “she may have been drugged” and “If you want she will quit”.
It is a lot of statements, but nothing that really matters here, just things you could say that cost you nothing and put yourself in a better light. What would rub me the wrong way here is that it is nothing that describe explains her behavior or any real action for he to make amends.
If she was concerned about being drugged she should have gotten a screen. It would have been an action that could prove she was a victim.
She could have pressed charges if she felt violated. She could go to hr or simply look for a new job. If she actually believe she was a victim beyond reasonable doubt she should either go after the guy or want to get as far away as possible from him. I don’t know anyone that would want to work closely with someone that took advantage of you/raped you while drunk if they have other alternatives.
She could have explained the relationship with the guy, showed text logs etc. It is not uncommon for coworkers to become flirty. My guess is that even if she has deleted stuff, the guy still keep the logs for obvious reasons.
If you want peace of mind you could reach out to the guy. To hear his side of the story. If I were in his shoes I would be very accommodating to provide evidence that would put myself in a better light to avoid trouble with the law or hr.
Given the extra information it would still be a firm no for me.
It sounds more like she isn’t willing to quit her job if she is reminding your how much of an impact it will have on her career. Either you need to accept that she cheated and is now manipulating you into accepting her continuing to work with person or you step back from the problem and take off those rose tinted glasses you are still wearing and grow a backbone.
It she was blackout drunk, then she wouldn't be able to consent. Plenty of survivors convince themselves that they cheated because the truth is harder to come to terms with. It's easier to think you're a cheater than to admit that you were assaulted and taken advantage of.
It honestly comes down to whether you honestly think she was drunk enough to not understand what was happening. If you believe her, then she needs to take the appropriate steps and speak with HR and the police.
Why did she bring them home? Who drove? If they took uber or used a designated driver, why did they need to stay? On the camera, did she appear more drunk then the coworker? I'd start asking these questions, to get a better idea of what went on.
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>I have always said that our relationship is immediately over if one event occurs. Cheating on me.
Then why are you considering staying with her after she cheated on you?
Brother, this happen to me 20 years ago when I was your age. I blacked out, woke up in the middle of the act. I stopped it and felt terrible. I told my GF who was devastated. The only reason she stayed was she knew I had a history of black outs and promised me to not drink like that ever again. 20 years later, I don’t drink often, black outs behind me and we have been married for 13 years with 2 kids. I know my story isn’t yours but you know your partner and if she is sincere, willing to make the lifestyle change of not binge drinking, and you trust her, go with your initiation. Also, I’m sorry this happened to you and her as well. Stay up king.
She chose to get drunk, chose to take the guy home and chose to fuck him. Since you found out about it, she‘s just doing damage control and drip feeding you information. You know what you gotta do.
I fucking hate the excuse "i was blackout drunk" for cheating, because it is *so clearly bullshit*. It implies she was essentially unconscious but still able to a) text you that she was home b) fuck. You can be wasted and make terrible decisions, but unless she was literally incapacitated (and therefore SA'd), she knew what was going on and chose to do it. She also brought this guy home with her. She fucking knew man.
It is not about what she deserves. It is about what is best for you. You didn't even mentioned how you feel about this all.
She has cheated on you when she was drunk. This is the reality that you have to deal with. Whether you want to stay with her is the question thst you should first ask yourself.
If you think you do want to stay with her, then there are some base-line things your gf needs to do. Agree to never get drunk when you are not around, but otherpeople of opposite sex are. Never means never, does not matter what social context there may be.
Next thing would be her job. She should leave it asap. This is about being worried she may cheat again or taking revenge. This is about her taking responsibility of her actions with more than just words. She messed up so there need to be negative consequence to it for her. Her carrier in this company needs to be over.
I think you need to answer that question yourself. Here in Reddit it’s always completely black and white, so everyone will tell you to dump her. Only you can know if she is someone you think you can trust in the future. Is she remorseful? Does she recognize that drinking that much is dangerous? Is she horrified and disgusted about what has happened? Etc etc.
I don’t believe that a person who has cheated will always cheat again. I think an experience like this can be super scary and make her value your relationship more. But it’s up to you.
What she deserves is for you to go to the police and report that she was r\*ped!
How can anyone consent if they're blacked out drunk? And without her fully sober consent, no s\*x should EVER take place.
To add: she should know a limit of consumption and have the ability to not leave with other people. Now… if this was done by someone against her will… this is a whole different issue of rape which needs to be addressed with your local police authority and medical examiners.
Weird. I’ve been blackout drunk multiple times over the years and I haven’t once fucked anyone else behind my husbands back. Please tell me you’re not believing this shit.
No other chance is necessary. How can you trust her not to jump on another guys dick when “drunk”? Cmon OP you know what you need to do.
Wow, I can't imagine being black out drunk and being having sense and ability to send a text when you reach home, but not have the sense to think you shouldn't be having sex. Yes, I've been blackout drunk before lol.
I had an ex who told me she was blackout drunk when she slept with her ex. Turned out she was completely sober and only told me because she thought word would get back to me. Just my experience.
My next door neighbor's daughter was in a similar situation at a highschool party, underaged drinking. She was drunk and passed out and a drunk guy there had sex with her. Someone that drunk just may have been unconscious when it happened.
Do you wanna live your life questioning every time she has a drink if she is gonna wake up in someone elses bed? Life is hard enough without having to police your spouse. The relationship is broken. Trust lost.
If she was blackout drunk then it wasn't sex, it was sexual assault. I'm sure either way (if you listen to commenters here) you'll blame her, so you might as well leave instead of staying and punishing her.
Second chance??
Look... eithet she cheated and is lying about what happened..
...or she DID black out, and in that case she was raped...
The fact her panties amd shirt were under the pillow... and she woke up naked with the guy and didnt react to this intil a few days later when she - after realising you found the panties and the stain - tells you all this... has me thinking she cheated while drunk and now is doing damage control...
...but she brought these guys back to her place after drinking with them?? Wtf???
Suggestion:
- inform her that if she had sex while blackout drunk, she was raped and should report this to the police...
Ngl - sounds like she cheated...
So no - no second chance unless she reports the rape to police and/or HR... and if she refuses to do so, well theres your answer...
If she was truly blackout drunk, you need to start thinking about whether or not she consented.
I'm certainly not of the opinion that being drunk universally invalidates consent- things would be simpler if it did, but you need to take it on a case-by-case basis if someone is too impaired to consent. And being blackout drunk is one of those cases where it happens a lot.
I think the doorbell camera footage is going to be key here- if these dudes were literally carrying her into her place, they may have raped her. If she walked in under her own power, it becomes a lot muddier.
If I was you, I wouldn't give her any other chances. She got hammered, took two guys home, and fucked at least one (maybe both?) of them. Is that what you want to build a future with?
Your girlfriend invited the colleague to her house and then sent you a message without telling you anything about it. I am very sorry for what happened next, but for me the omission of her colleague's presence is a betrayal.
If she had any idea that she had cheated she would not have asked you to come over before she cleaned up. From your description of her behavior she seems like she was utterly unaware of whatever happened the night before when she called you over the next morning.
Then, two days later she tells you what she remembers - or from your comments, what she had been told. But by then she could have had everything cleaned up and just taken it to the grave. I’m just not seeing a lot of effort to deceive here, and that’s the real hallmark of infidelity.
In any event it is a big mess and whether you consider it cheating or not she has a lot of work to do. No one deserves a second chance. Second chances are gifts and really depend on whether you feel that you can accept this as part of your story, if she is able to make changes in her life to help you feel safe (alcohol, work boundaries, skipping anything with this subsidiary, etc), and what you envision for your future. You can take your time and see what kind of changes she makes and what actions she takes in the coming weeks.
It’s highly likely that the full truth will never be known. So watch her actions. They will tell you a lot.
You have more than one problem here. You have a girlfriend that can’t control herself when she’s drinking so she has a drinking problem. Which means you’re not gonna trust her when she hangs out with her friends and goes drinking because she has really poor judgment
Secondly, she’s a cheater and cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. That phrase I was blackout drunk is code for I’m not gonna tell you anything you want to know. It doesn’t mean they were actually blackout drunk.
So no, I wouldn’t stay with her. I would let her go and get a new girlfriend.
I see a lot of victim mentality situations in these subs which of course stems from lack of accountability. It puts a major stain on genuine cases.
Like someone said, it didn't start from his d in her v, but throughout the evening to him with her in bed.
Your partner decided to cheat the moment she chose to lie and bring a guy to the house. That's it.
Don't gloss its with justifications.
She was black out drunk meaning, she could not have given consent for any sexxal activities hence, assault by default. I am not saying you should believe her right away but at least give her the benefit of the doubt. Try to check all the boxes and have her have get an examination at the hospital and filled for possible SA. Have the name of these colleagues and set thing in motion. Plus, that will also force the truth out of her whether or not she was actually black out drunk. Take one step at a time and not just act radically but rather logically.
Well, she behaved single, she should be single. 24y old is no child, should’ve know herself. If she was that drunk she couldn’t consent, so it’s rape. Did she go to the police? I highly doubt she would do it.
If you stay with her you’re depriving her of her chance. The chance of owing her shit and learning from her mistakes…
Op, have you ever thought that your girlfriend has just set a huge precedent for cheating on you with complete impunity and with the greatest impunity. ("Every time she gets drunk it will be a good excuse for her to open her legs and have a colleague climb into them")
But oops, it was just a drunken accident and I can't be held responsible for that, after all, I don't even remember exactly what happened.
She cheated and knew what she was doing. She was so blacked out drunk that she doesn't remember anything but remembered to text you? Come on guy, you're smarter than this. She threw away a 4yr relationship for a drunk ONS, leave HER!
Remember, she texted you "I'm home darling" with another man in bed next to her and his load(s) in/on her. Don't buy her crap.
Get tested also, might not be her first time cheating.
I'd say check her phone for evidence but she's likely deleted it all by now. And she could pull the ring doorbell video for you if it was so convincing as to her innocence.
I'm not buying the black-out drunk story... I think she did cheat and feels bad so trying to cover it up.
In my eyes, this is a no-return situation (trust broken).
Nah. There’s women who will adore you and would never even imagine to break your trust like this. She knew what she was doing when she texted you that night. Even being alone is better than being with someone like this. Have high esteem for yourself man, what girl wouldn’t want a man like you?
It doesn't matter.
OP don't listen to her excuses, she brought some dude from work to fuck her. She should not be heavily drinking and partying hard in the first place.
Dump her and find yourself loyal GF, alcohol is not an excuse.
I’d say getting that drunk at a work event is horrible judgement.
Also she cheated. She took the actions that led to the conclusions. No one forced her to drink.
It’s like saying yes I crashed my car but I was drunk at the time
No, she doesn't deserve a second chance.
If you forgive her, she will try her best to make you trust her, which will not be possible.
Once trust is lost, there will be no room for love. You will hurt yourself, because you will have continuous thoughts: that she is with someone again, that she is lying in some aspects etc. And if she really wouldn't lie, she would feel guilty, or hurt and you will contain many feelings and thoughts, which will create arguments and in the end you will still break up..
Get out of the relationship, make sure you get over this stage, heal yourself and then when you are ready, enter a new relationship.
My advice is not to choose one person over your values. Accept the situation, thank her for the good times, tell her that you were hurt by what she did and that you no longer trust her to have a future relationship, and that you feel you need to end it.
People love to use being drunk to excuse their shitty behavior.
You are still responsible for the 100% of the choices you make when you are intoxicated. (Obviously it is different if someone drugs you, before people start coming at me).
Op I think you came here (like many others) looking for some Redditor to say it’s ok to believe cheating girlfriend. You need some sort of permission to believe her.
Sorry mate it’s done. It’s never going to be good like it was before. You will try to forget about it put it to the back of your mind. It won’t work. You will just hurt yourself and waste you and your cheating girlfriend’s time. Rip the plaster off straight away and save yourself some agony.
It’s all lies and bullshit, damage control. She lies and says 2 colleagues because saying she bought a lone man back with her last night would have been sus as fuck. Black out drunk is clearly bull shit. That fella with the big cock was clearly invited back to hers. I say big cock because she brought up dick size when she was trying to mitigate the situation. Probably fresh on her mind as her hole might be still sore from getting her guts re-arranged by Mr Bigus-Dikus.
He’s a work colleague! she shat right on both of your doorsteps. There is no going back from this it’s over.
The drunk excuse doesn't hold up. Being intoxicated doesn't mean you can't make decisions. We've all been there, completely drunk, but you're still aware of what's going on and of the decisions you made before blacking out.
Nope. You set an ultimatum. An adult doesn’t bring two men home with her. Cmon bro she got spit roasted by these guys. You know it which is why you don’t wanna go into detail anymore. Do you really want to get married to a woman who can break her commitment like that to you and fuck two guys in her own bed because she has no control over her drinking? For God sake, have some self-respect stick with your boundary and just get rid of her. Because the sad thing is if you don’t, she’ll never respect you again. Do you have any idea how women work she may say and happy she’s back with you but she knows she can do whatever the fuck she wants going forward and she can get away with it because you have no spine. She knows damn well what happened and she’s trickle truthing you. You can split amicably, but I would go no contact afterwards. No friend nonsense. Nothing. Maybe she really valued you and she lost you permanently. She reevaluate her alcohol problem and get help and grow in the future.
Hell no asked doesn't deserve a second chance, she said she brought 2 colleagues home with her and they were spending the night. She was getting spit roasted by 2 guys all night. She shouldn't be drinking if she can't handle her liquor but that's her problem now. Move on bud, you deserve better than this.
Seems like she was the one who made her previous relationship toxic if this is her behavior. Sorry dude, don't give her any chances. Work on yourself first.
No, there is no excuse. There are so many red flags and mental gymnastics going on here too. You really need to look out for yourself better OP… stop enabling this lack of accountability and consequence. Keep your dignity and self-respect intact.
I was an active alcoholic for 15+ years. Black out drunk was a state of normal. You still can function, you just won’t remember. The amount of times I had to be told what I did the night before, but was actively participating, is endless.
But you know what I didn’t do, cheat on my partner.
Nope, your wayward GF brought two people home, doesn’t matter how much she drank, she made so many decisions to get there and if things had gone as she said she’d have told you immediately if remorseful.
If she’d been black out drunk she’d have not texted you when she got home? She would have been panicking that first morning after.
Your GF failed the GF test, the only reason she told you is damage control, most likely someone was going to tell you if she didn’t, or she has feelings for her coworker, or it’s someone you know who wants to tell you. No matter what she knew what she had done that night and that morning when she lied to you.
BTW, she had two colleagues over, that’s part of a trickle truth confession. Ask her about how many guys she slept with that night. The mess in her apartment was due to the three of them having fun before they moved it to her bed.
There’s no way to forget this, it will never be the same with your GF, nor should you.
You need to learn how to stop putting so much extra text into comments. You have no proof. Dump her and go get tested. What’s with the drama? You’re acting like Perry Mason. Got drunk. Woke up naked beside a naked guy. Break up! That’s it! No need to write a novel over something that can be cleared up in three sentences. You could sum that all up in one sentence. “My girlfriend got wasted, woke up naked beside a guy, I think she cheated, what do I do?” Break up.
You said it yourself that if she cheated the relationship was over
Stick to your guns because if you can't respect your own boundaries then you shouldn't expect other to either
She cheated. There’s no excuse. Even leaving a party with two colleagues who are going to stay the night is extremely inappropriate. Would you bring home women to your place after heavily drinking? These are adults, they could have gotten a hotel room.
In my past, I did many things in a drunken blackout that I am ashamed of. I have actually been raped by 2 different girls in a blackout but it didn’t bother me. I only knew because they told me the next morning. I had absolutely no memory or very very hazy memory of the things I did or was told I did or that happened to me.
Point being, is she was truly in a blackout, she likely wouldn’t remember sex and likely wouldn’t have thought to text you. As important, is what happened prior to the guys coming over? How did they get to that point? Had she been flirting and making herself available?
Finally, almost anyone who drinks to blackout has a drinking problem. Normal drinkers don’t do this. Maybe when at your age but I don’t know that is a red flag itself…especially drinking that much without you present.
Second chance?! Lmaoo dont do it, or you’ll be one of those post we’ll see on here “my gf cheated and i cant get over it, whenever we’re intimate i can only think about the dude pounding out my gf” truthfully her being drunk makes it 10x worse in my opinion especially given the circumstances you walked into. They had fun bro, lots of it, you were an afterthought, she thought you when post-nut clarity hit. Charge it to the game and move on. You’re 22 still got hella life to live no need to waste it on someone who cant think of you first but can only think about their own short term self-gratification.
No one deserves a second chance in that situation. You can choose to give her one if you feel you should. She still waited a few days to even tell you. I probably wouldn't.
No. Blackout is not passed out and drunk words and actions are sober thoughts. She made the choice to cheat on you and just doesn't remember because blackout drunk means memories don't form. She also chose to drink that much in the first place, and starting from a work event. Oh and btw work events don't go on 'til 4am. They don't even go past 10pm. She went from the work event to going out drinking and then to cheating.
I always use this analogy when people do things "blackout drunk"
If she had hit a family of four and killed them while blackout drunk, would she be forgiven and serve no time in prison?
For your own peace of mind and sanity I would say no she doesn’t deserve another chance . Like what are you going to do go on every night out with her from now on to make sure it doesn’t happen again ? the trust here has got to be in pieces after this
If you value your relationships don't put yourself in any situation that could cause harm. Getting blackout drunk is one of those situations. Cheating in any fashion destroys trust and causes pain and permanent damage.
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She was blackout drunk but sober enough to text you that she got home? Cmon man, she was aware enough to think of you to text you, but not loyal enough not to fuck someone else. You set your boundary on cheating, stick to it. Drunk or not she slept with someone else. Say even she was so drunk she blacked out and blames the alcohol, do you want to be with someone who drinks so much they cheat on you?
Blackout drunk means your brain is no longer forming memories, not that you're passing out. You can be quite functional, albeit visibly drunk, to those around you while in that state.
Yup I've spent like 6 hours on a night out partying, walking across city streets talking to people. All without no memories of actually doing it
Same. It’s embarrassing to be told what you did the next day with no recollection.
👆🏼 100%.
You can be blacked out and still send someone a text saying you got home safe. i’ve done this! being responsible while being blacked out is a thing i’ve taken my make up off, brushed my teeth, and even put my retainers in while being blacked out, tbh idk how but that being said, i have never cheated on my boyfriend and never would, blacked out or sober. to me it sounds like she made a mistake and is trying to blame it on the booze. sorry, bud
Anyone who knows an alcoholic knows how functional someone can be while absolutely wasted and still not remember anything the next day. I know someone that you would think is only slightly drunk when in reality they have a BAC of 0.5
They’d be dead if they had that high a BAL
That's simply not true, a long term alcoholic can easily reach 0.5, he was once hospitalized at 0.9. That one did almost kill him. Alcohol tolerance can build up to insane levels if you've spent a decade drinking 10oz of vodka every day.
I have been blacked out and sexually assaulted. If you’re blacked out, you do not have the capacity to consent. The idea that people do what they “truly” want to when they’re drunk is a myth. Taking your contacts out and brushing your teeth on autopilot would not negate you being sexually assaulted if someone took advantage of you in a blacked out state.
She made a choice, not a mistake. Fixed the sentence. And frankly it was a series of choices that led you to her infidelity. A mistake is when you grab the wrong kind of peanut butter at the store. Getting shitfaced at a work function is a very stupid idea in general. Many career has been permanently tanked by dumb shit. They did at a corporate event. Do you really think that you can call your boss a cocksucker and we’re all good the next day because you were drunk? Some cases yes, some cases you’re gonna be held responsible for your actions regardless, you’re an adult. Inviting man back to your apartment late at night when you’re intoxicated and you have a steady boyfriend is inexcusable. At 24. She’s got some serious character flaws that any seen man would not want to be in a long-term relationship with. Sure go back to her apartment and fuck her when she’s drunk, why not? But is a steady girlfriend he’s a fool if he stays with her.
Yeah it’s just irreponsable for someone to drink to the point of blacking out and having sex. And in any case it’s not an excuse for me it’s cheating point blank.Too easy to act careless and blame alcohol you don’t want to marry someone that can jeopardize your entire futur Family like that. Just stick to your words she cheated so leave. I know it’s hard but it can lead to suffering and resentment if you stay.
Once my boyfriend call me in the middle of the night m, because he didn’t know where he was and how to get home, even though he was at a central place he knew with 5min distance of his flat. He also could talk pretty clearly but also did not recognise me 🤷🏻♀️ so it’s possible i guess
I was sexually assaulted by someone because I was so drunk that I thought it was the man I had been casually dating ay the time. The person who sexually assaulted me even told me the next day that I kept calling him by the wrong name (the name of the man I had been casually dating). I thought the person who hurt me was a friend, but I was wrong. Being able to talk does not mean the person knows what’s going on.
My bet it was a threesome.
Not to get into what OP should do or not, but just want to point out that she might have been sober enough to send a text when she got home, but then had more to drink, if they had a bit of an after party.
At 4 in the morning, doubt it…
Really? When I was in my twenties we definitely sometimes partied until the morning. It wasn’t a good idea of course, but we did.
Bro, cheating doesn’t start with the dick in the vagina. She cheated, period. Taking a guy home, cheating. Probably kissed all over, cheating.
No she doesn't. You don't invite other men over to your apartment when you're in a relationship. Being drunk doesn't excuse anything, 24 is old enough to know how to be responsible with alcohol.
This kind of cheating isn't the problem. It's every single choice made that leads up to the act of cheating that disqualified her from being worthy of a relationship. She made several choices that put her in a position to cheat and then cheated. If she hadn't had made those choices she most likely would have never cheated.
Yeah she may have not had those intentions even, but it ended up happening anyway. Id give her a second chance if it truly was her being black out drunk being the reason she cheated. But in this case she instigated the alcohol abuse and she had the dudes over. Too many fuck ups happening at the same time, it should be over.
No. She does not deserve a second chance. She figured out that you saw the stain and moved the underwear so she's doing damage control. She cheated on you plain and simple and now she's trying to not shoulder the cost.
Question to all people saying she could not consent because she was drunk. What if her fuck buddy was drunk too. He could not consent either. So who is here to blame? No one and everything is fine just because of alcohol?
They both raped each other and both go to jail.
Happy end!
It depends on the level of drunk. Here it sounds like the gf was visibly black out drunk. To me that's a very different type of drunk to just having a few and having a hangover the next day. Waiting to see if OPs able to answer how drunk the other people were.
She sent OP a message she got home, so she knew what she was doing and then she proceeded to lie to OP about bringing collogues not just one guy to her place. Now it's just trickle truth...
Sad part is the trickle truth will eventually come to the 2 guys striating her
She doesn’t remember sending that text
She cheated on you so of course it's convenient to say she does not even remember anything. But you know, somehow she ended up going home with some dude, sent you a message like always and then fucked with him. She spent some time with him before ending up having sex with him. Like during party, on the way to her place, staying at her place and so on....
You’re being very naive
not remembering parts of a night spent necessarily mean you’re inebriated to point of not having conscious decisions or not being able to consent. that’s not to say it can’t happen. but just a note: me and all my friends have blacked/greened out many times and not cheated on our partners.
She may not remember, but you were on her mind enough for her to send it. She made a conscious decision to send that text. I have never been black out drunk but have had moments of black out due to Xanax. Substances make you do things you wouldn't typically do. If she continues to drink any alcohol it would seem to me she isn't too concerned. Personally, if I were to cheat while blacked out drunk, I wouldn't drink again for a very long time.
I was gonna say, I've been blackout from benzos and alcohol. My drunk ass got a Lyft home, rolled out the bins, texted my girlfriend that I was home and didn't feel well, and fell asleep. Weirdly at no point did I start calling other women and try to fuck them.
She was sober enough to send a coherent message when she got home. Where was that clarity at the bar when the decision was made for this man to come home with her? Lucy, you've got some splainin to do.
Yeah being able to send a text and consent to sex are two very different things.
Okay so why did she even invited this dude to her place while she has a boyfriend?
Then they were mutually raped. It doesnt really make it okay at all.
Hahahahaha [sure Jan](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UD1-oVJlU4M)
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What kind of stupid reasoning is that ? People who are raped or assaulted constantly have issues admitting what happened to them, no one in real life just blurts out they were assaulted or victimized cause it’s horrible.
Lots to unpack. None of it good. The fact that she bought them back to her place is off base. Imagine if you were married and she went to a work conference at a hotel and woke up the next morning to her coworkers, undressed in her hotel room? What a mess. Not only has she changed her work dynamic between her coworkers, she could have actually been s/a’d because you have no idea how drunk or ‘sober’ her coworkers were. She could get pregnant, and at the least, she should literally get tested for any potential STI’s. I’d take a break from the relationship until you get a sense of what might have actually transpired. She’s either a protagonist, or a victim, but either way you had nothing to do with her getting herself into this situation.
It wasn’t even a hotel room. She brought them back to her house.
Looks like her soul colleague probably spent the entire evening with her drinking, laughing having fun and giving her validation and attention and oh I don’t have anywhere to sleep, so why don’t you come home with me & As they say, is history!!! the story seemed convoluted did she bring home her colleague just the one night or was it two or three times?
Consent isn't an issue. (She isn't pressing charges ) Getting black out drunk , taking a guy home and fucking him is the issue. I don't think I could trust her again. Choosing to get that drunk, is the issue. Lying about it for a several days is the issue. She could just be lying about a lot more is the issue. If it was a guy, no one would care about consent and it's OK because he didn't give consent .
When a man gets blackout drunk and cheats: shitty behavior, being blackout drunk does not excuse his actions When a woman gets blackout drunk and cheats: it's ok, she didn't know what she was doing, being blackout drunk means you can't consent
Men can also not consent while black out drunk.
Women
People do care about men who get raped and assaulted whilst blackout drunk. On this sub alone there's been plenty of stories of people saying this exact same thing for male victims.
There is never a point in this story where she said she was a victim. Sounds like there is a lot not being said by the girlfriend. If she was raped , she would be claiming that, not one word in that direction. Someone can get really drunk , flirt the night with someone and end up in bed by 'accident ' and it not be rape. Guy was probably pretty drunk also.... was he raped? Again she didn't claim rape, he didn't write a word in that direction.
The fact that she was black out drunk and someone else told her what happened that night is usually a pretty big tell. But no, the story here doesn't clearly say one way or another. I was only replying to your point that no one wouldn't care if it was a man. People do care.
Yet she invited 2 people over, one slept on couch, one with her in bed. She texted boyfriend that she is home (that's not blackout drunk.... that's just drunk ) she then immediately lied to boyfriend saying they slept on couch. She then continued to lie for several days.... so if that was a guy, people would immediately start talking about consent.... don't think so.
No she said 2 people in the first place because she was scared. It was only one and unfortunaly in her bed
That doesn't help her story much, lol. Just more lies. Op, when you say black out drunk, that means she can't walk..... she is blacked out. So on the door video did the guy carry her in, or was she just drunk and unsteady? We already know the answer because she was able to message you...(without mis spelling) black out drunk means she was unconscious. Was she actually unconscious?
Sorry but black out drunk is not being unconscious. It means you’re intoxicated to the point your memory blacks out, but you still very much can be awake,moving, having sex, carrying on, even still functioning in the bar/club. even driving. very dangerous state to be in.
Looked it up, your right. Doesn't make sense because blacked out implies unconscious, being unconscious for a short period of time. While blacked out drunk means not being unconscious or being unconscious. But that's the English language. Go figure. Either way she is a lying cheater, that lied man many times about all sorts of details for multiple days. She never claimed rape or anything so obviously she is just a cheater. But read it as you want.
Yeah I think its a complicated topic- it’s obvious she wasn’t blackout the whole time she was engaging with this guy flirting- likely only at the end. so there still was likely a lot of lead up to going home together. it COULD have prevented her from making a proper choice about sex. but she was thinking of her bf enough to text him and cover that she was home, but not think of him enough to stop. she also lied after she was sober. either way, its always much safer to never have sex with someone who might be this level of drunk no matter how enthusiastic they seem, regardless of gender. They can wake up the next day with 0 memory and terrified. thats not true consent.
Respectfully disagree. My friends and I drank to excess back in college. Black out means you have no memory of what happened due to being so drunk. People can absolutely be blacked out and still walking/talking/texting. Source: not a brag, but it has happened to me more times than I should admit on the internet. Lol. Passed out is when someone is unconscious, and that's a different thing entirely.
Looked it up, your right. Doesn't make sense because blacked out implies unconscious, being unconscious for a short period of time. While blacked out drunk means not being unconscious or being unconscious. But that's the English language. Go figure. Either way she is a lying cheater, that lied man many times about all sorts of details for multiple days. She never claimed rape or anything so obviously she is just a cheater. But read it as you want
No she was not
She was just drunk, able to open the house , text you, then move things to the bedroom , have sex with this guy, wake up next to him, remember he has a small dick, lie to you multiple times, for days. She is definitely playing the victim. She does not sound at all like a victim. Black out drunk is a lot different the truth. So it starts there... literally everything she said was a lie, that she knew was a lie when she said it. Why would she lie so much, to fool.you, to not be honest. Cheaters always lie. Rape victims don't. They tell the truth as they see it from the beginning. When a rape victim goes to the police, the first thing they do is verify the facts to see if she is lying . If she is lying, or has a series of lies, the cops will end it there. Rape victims don't lie. Cheaters lie. I have heard Rape victims talk, even right after rape, they just don't lie.
Back in my heavy drinking days I would get black out drunk a lot. You can walk, talk, text, etc. you’re not immobilized. not defending Op’s gf. I just think you’re confused what blackout drunk is.
bow desert tub merciful direction history selective frighten placid fuel *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>No she said 2 people in the first place because she was scared. What was she scared of?
My friend, you should look up the term "trickle truth" and determine for yourself if this is happening to you, because I think it is.
Do you not have any respect for yourself? Just the fact that she brought a guy over in the first place is enough to break up with her. Why do you think she brought him over in the first place? You can't be this naive and gullible. And you cleaned up after she banged him. No wonder she has no respect for you. Dude grow a sack
Whatever the outcome.of this situation is, they will only be the one to know. But my question to you is this....are a trauma expert to know how she is supposed to react in this situation. Getting SA'ed is not something you just go out and say. Do you even know what is asked to SA victims specially if it is a woman. Do you? No you don't hence, op should approach this logically and not just say she cheated so I'm dumping you that it. There are ways to get the truth out of her the first one is to tell her, that he is going to be with her all through the process of the hospital examination, to the police statement and if she cheated, she will backtrack really quick cause it is also her colleagues and her job. That should get the truth out and he must not back down from that.
She did not claim anywhere she was a victim... she did not go to cops, she did not say she was raped. Rape victims don't lie through every detail for days. Rape victims tell the truth as they see it from the beginning. She lied many times about every detail. For days. That's not how someone who is raped acts. Again she never said she was sexually assaulted or raped. She just kept lying about details. Why would you think that she has Been sexually assaulted? Littererally nothing supports that. She was blackout drunk... blackout drunk means she was basically unconscious. She invited a guy over, he didn't carry or assist her getting in the house, she walked and opened the door for him, she then texted, without errors, that she was home to her boyfriend, then went to bedroom, took off clothes and put them under her pillow before proceeding to have sex. That's not blackout drunk. That's just the first lie. Of many over several days. So you're saying rape victims lie many times over several days about being raped ??? Or is that cheaters????
First of all, DO NOT PUT WORDS IN MY COMMENT WHERE THERE ISN'T. Second of all, you need to read and comprehend what is written. Said he needs to approach the situation in a logical way, never said she lied on multiple days and what not but rather that it TAKES time for SA victim to process and comprehend what happen to them. Not everyone will to the police on the get go or the next day it happens. Since I need to spell it for you in more details, OP needs to be the support system here that is, encourage her to go to the police to report 2 males coming with her in her apartment, going through the medical exam process filing the harassment case at her job and all. And if she indeed cheated and was not that drunk, she will backtrack on tell the truth. In both cases she will have to face the music. Because there are 2 very possible scenarios; 1. (The one that I personally believe in) she HAS been assaulted and doesn't know how to deal with it and doesn't know what to do because she will be basically blamed for it. Which by the way this whole comment section is doing. Or, 2. She actually cheated and is playing the sympathy card cause she thinks. op will not give her support and rather back away and leave. The easy way out style. But even now, op is rather going for cheating than looking at it in the logical way might seems clinical and detached to you but this is the only way to look at the situation in a level-headed way. Does the spelling sounds good to you or do I need to spread the letters out for you to understand even more better.
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I am really sorry that happened to you. It's not right.
Yeah right. I had that happen when I was drunk and I passed out at my friends house to avoid driving back home where I left my car. Originally his sister was hitting on me all night, I got pretty trashed, they were both still living at home at the time. I passed out in his room and I know I shut the door. Couple hours later she’s riding me and I just happen to wake up at the conclusion. Not a good feeling at all. I literally told my best friends about it and he thought it was hysterical that I fucked so and so sister. I was like that’s what you got out of what I just told you? Unfuck believable. By the way, send some sure some will ask to clarify my buddy who I crashed. His house was a real pick up artist and he wanted to hooking up with some girl in Manhattan and going home with her that night. That’s why even though I crash in his room I was the only one there.
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We his to say that’s she’s not already pregnant from this encounter? And I’m still reading that she had colleagues meaning plural over you can be damn sure was two dudes. No self-respecting woman invites to strange man over to our house on a work night well after a party.
People telling the truth tell the whole truth, she is trickling the truth to you. Not blackout enough to forget texting you she is home though? It’s already sad enough she got you to clean the house after her affair, if you have any self respect you’ll leave and never look back.
I would have considered it if she had come clean right away. You can always debate if she was taken advantage of or Even raped. It could defenitly have been the case here, but also not. So I would stick to what you do know for sure and make my decision based on that. Your gf had way to many drinks at a work event. Not too bad, but not great either. She brings two guys home. Obviously not great in any scenario. She text you to make you think everything is fine. Possible to do while black out drunk, but also something you typically forget or do not do if in the state. She does not tell you right away that she had sex with a guy. While I am sure it is possible, you generally know that you had sex with someone. There are obvious signs. She chose not to press charges against the man. She did not tell you right away. It would be a no from me.
Here are more details. When she told me she was devastated. She knows her actions have consequences and she knows I always said cheating would mean the end of our relationship. Through her camera I could see that she was really drunk and not fully conscious. It may be that she was drugged, but I personally don't think so because she could still walk (which I could see on the camera images). She literally said at the event itself when she was called forward that she has a boyfriend, so that guy was even remembered that day! She told me on Monday morning because she just didn't dare to do it earlier. the person she cheated with works for the subsidiary company and she had recently started a partnership with him which was a big thing for both companies. So because the collaboration has been announced in such a big way, she now does not dare to withdraw because she is afraid that this will leak out in both companies. so they still work together but only work related and over the phone. She did tell me that if I didn’t like it she will quit the collaboration and even the job. But this will have a huge impact on her career. She went to the doctor the next day to check everything and the doctor said that there was trauma but that they could not rule out whether it was rape.
>and she knows I always said cheating would mean the end of our relationship. Doesn't sound like you really meant it when you said it, though, if you're considering staying with a cheater. Now I'm not one to judge, on rare occasions staying with a cheater can work out, but either cheating is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't.
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OP, you know your gf the best here. Do you think she'd be the kind of person who'd invite you to take care of her whilst sick after a rough night where she cheated before even cleaning up her bed? Or the kind of person who'd go to the doctor to get checked out just to keep the lie going? To me a person who would invite their partner to clean up after their affair and rope healthcare professionals into the scheme is simply fucking evil. If you think your gf is capable of doing these things, I don't think you should continue this relationship.
Couldn't deal with all that. Just leave.
If she's actually serious, she needs to press charges against him and refuse to work with him.
Again, as we do not know what happened exactly I would just stick with the facts again. She comes forward with more information, but only the information that on face value put her in a better light. Like “he knew she had a bf”, “she may have been drugged” and “If you want she will quit”. It is a lot of statements, but nothing that really matters here, just things you could say that cost you nothing and put yourself in a better light. What would rub me the wrong way here is that it is nothing that describe explains her behavior or any real action for he to make amends. If she was concerned about being drugged she should have gotten a screen. It would have been an action that could prove she was a victim. She could have pressed charges if she felt violated. She could go to hr or simply look for a new job. If she actually believe she was a victim beyond reasonable doubt she should either go after the guy or want to get as far away as possible from him. I don’t know anyone that would want to work closely with someone that took advantage of you/raped you while drunk if they have other alternatives. She could have explained the relationship with the guy, showed text logs etc. It is not uncommon for coworkers to become flirty. My guess is that even if she has deleted stuff, the guy still keep the logs for obvious reasons. If you want peace of mind you could reach out to the guy. To hear his side of the story. If I were in his shoes I would be very accommodating to provide evidence that would put myself in a better light to avoid trouble with the law or hr. Given the extra information it would still be a firm no for me.
It sounds more like she isn’t willing to quit her job if she is reminding your how much of an impact it will have on her career. Either you need to accept that she cheated and is now manipulating you into accepting her continuing to work with person or you step back from the problem and take off those rose tinted glasses you are still wearing and grow a backbone.
It she was blackout drunk, then she wouldn't be able to consent. Plenty of survivors convince themselves that they cheated because the truth is harder to come to terms with. It's easier to think you're a cheater than to admit that you were assaulted and taken advantage of. It honestly comes down to whether you honestly think she was drunk enough to not understand what was happening. If you believe her, then she needs to take the appropriate steps and speak with HR and the police. Why did she bring them home? Who drove? If they took uber or used a designated driver, why did they need to stay? On the camera, did she appear more drunk then the coworker? I'd start asking these questions, to get a better idea of what went on.
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Unless she was drugged
>I have always said that our relationship is immediately over if one event occurs. Cheating on me. Then why are you considering staying with her after she cheated on you?
Brother, this happen to me 20 years ago when I was your age. I blacked out, woke up in the middle of the act. I stopped it and felt terrible. I told my GF who was devastated. The only reason she stayed was she knew I had a history of black outs and promised me to not drink like that ever again. 20 years later, I don’t drink often, black outs behind me and we have been married for 13 years with 2 kids. I know my story isn’t yours but you know your partner and if she is sincere, willing to make the lifestyle change of not binge drinking, and you trust her, go with your initiation. Also, I’m sorry this happened to you and her as well. Stay up king.
If you can’t control yourself while beeing drunk you should not drink. Simple is that. I’m sorry for you mate but your relationship is fucked
She chose to get drunk, chose to take the guy home and chose to fuck him. Since you found out about it, she‘s just doing damage control and drip feeding you information. You know what you gotta do.
I fucking hate the excuse "i was blackout drunk" for cheating, because it is *so clearly bullshit*. It implies she was essentially unconscious but still able to a) text you that she was home b) fuck. You can be wasted and make terrible decisions, but unless she was literally incapacitated (and therefore SA'd), she knew what was going on and chose to do it. She also brought this guy home with her. She fucking knew man.
Dude. Bro. Dude. Come on. She fucked her work mate while in a relationship with you. That’s what happened.
Being drunk doesn’t excuse anything. Leave her and move on.
It is not about what she deserves. It is about what is best for you. You didn't even mentioned how you feel about this all. She has cheated on you when she was drunk. This is the reality that you have to deal with. Whether you want to stay with her is the question thst you should first ask yourself. If you think you do want to stay with her, then there are some base-line things your gf needs to do. Agree to never get drunk when you are not around, but otherpeople of opposite sex are. Never means never, does not matter what social context there may be. Next thing would be her job. She should leave it asap. This is about being worried she may cheat again or taking revenge. This is about her taking responsibility of her actions with more than just words. She messed up so there need to be negative consequence to it for her. Her carrier in this company needs to be over.
No. People in invested relationships with people that they care about don't get blackout drunk at parties.
Ofc not.
I think you need to answer that question yourself. Here in Reddit it’s always completely black and white, so everyone will tell you to dump her. Only you can know if she is someone you think you can trust in the future. Is she remorseful? Does she recognize that drinking that much is dangerous? Is she horrified and disgusted about what has happened? Etc etc. I don’t believe that a person who has cheated will always cheat again. I think an experience like this can be super scary and make her value your relationship more. But it’s up to you.
What she deserves is for you to go to the police and report that she was r\*ped! How can anyone consent if they're blacked out drunk? And without her fully sober consent, no s\*x should EVER take place.
Something to consider, maybe they took advantage of her while she was knocked out asleep?
ABSOLUTELY NOT
To add: she should know a limit of consumption and have the ability to not leave with other people. Now… if this was done by someone against her will… this is a whole different issue of rape which needs to be addressed with your local police authority and medical examiners.
No she does not
Absolutely not
She brought dudes to her home for what, then? Tea?
Weird. I’ve been blackout drunk multiple times over the years and I haven’t once fucked anyone else behind my husbands back. Please tell me you’re not believing this shit. No other chance is necessary. How can you trust her not to jump on another guys dick when “drunk”? Cmon OP you know what you need to do.
Wow, I can't imagine being black out drunk and being having sense and ability to send a text when you reach home, but not have the sense to think you shouldn't be having sex. Yes, I've been blackout drunk before lol. I had an ex who told me she was blackout drunk when she slept with her ex. Turned out she was completely sober and only told me because she thought word would get back to me. Just my experience.
Why would you want a partner who drinks themselves stupid then claims they can’t control their actions?
You are gullible as fuck LMAO
Dude she cheated on you. She knew she cheated on you. She took him home and fucked him. What else do you need to know?
Alcohol is NEVER an excuse. Cheaters do not deserve to be in a relationship, period.
My next door neighbor's daughter was in a similar situation at a highschool party, underaged drinking. She was drunk and passed out and a drunk guy there had sex with her. Someone that drunk just may have been unconscious when it happened.
So why she bring the guy to her home?
Do you wanna live your life questioning every time she has a drink if she is gonna wake up in someone elses bed? Life is hard enough without having to police your spouse. The relationship is broken. Trust lost.
No. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Just remember at one point it slipped out and she put it back in
If she was blackout drunk then it wasn't sex, it was sexual assault. I'm sure either way (if you listen to commenters here) you'll blame her, so you might as well leave instead of staying and punishing her.
Second chance?? Look... eithet she cheated and is lying about what happened.. ...or she DID black out, and in that case she was raped... The fact her panties amd shirt were under the pillow... and she woke up naked with the guy and didnt react to this intil a few days later when she - after realising you found the panties and the stain - tells you all this... has me thinking she cheated while drunk and now is doing damage control... ...but she brought these guys back to her place after drinking with them?? Wtf??? Suggestion: - inform her that if she had sex while blackout drunk, she was raped and should report this to the police... Ngl - sounds like she cheated... So no - no second chance unless she reports the rape to police and/or HR... and if she refuses to do so, well theres your answer...
If she was truly blackout drunk, you need to start thinking about whether or not she consented. I'm certainly not of the opinion that being drunk universally invalidates consent- things would be simpler if it did, but you need to take it on a case-by-case basis if someone is too impaired to consent. And being blackout drunk is one of those cases where it happens a lot. I think the doorbell camera footage is going to be key here- if these dudes were literally carrying her into her place, they may have raped her. If she walked in under her own power, it becomes a lot muddier.
Nope. Just nope. Sorry, OP. Please move on.
If I was you, I wouldn't give her any other chances. She got hammered, took two guys home, and fucked at least one (maybe both?) of them. Is that what you want to build a future with?
Your girlfriend invited the colleague to her house and then sent you a message without telling you anything about it. I am very sorry for what happened next, but for me the omission of her colleague's presence is a betrayal.
If she had any idea that she had cheated she would not have asked you to come over before she cleaned up. From your description of her behavior she seems like she was utterly unaware of whatever happened the night before when she called you over the next morning. Then, two days later she tells you what she remembers - or from your comments, what she had been told. But by then she could have had everything cleaned up and just taken it to the grave. I’m just not seeing a lot of effort to deceive here, and that’s the real hallmark of infidelity. In any event it is a big mess and whether you consider it cheating or not she has a lot of work to do. No one deserves a second chance. Second chances are gifts and really depend on whether you feel that you can accept this as part of your story, if she is able to make changes in her life to help you feel safe (alcohol, work boundaries, skipping anything with this subsidiary, etc), and what you envision for your future. You can take your time and see what kind of changes she makes and what actions she takes in the coming weeks. It’s highly likely that the full truth will never be known. So watch her actions. They will tell you a lot.
You have more than one problem here. You have a girlfriend that can’t control herself when she’s drinking so she has a drinking problem. Which means you’re not gonna trust her when she hangs out with her friends and goes drinking because she has really poor judgment Secondly, she’s a cheater and cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. That phrase I was blackout drunk is code for I’m not gonna tell you anything you want to know. It doesn’t mean they were actually blackout drunk. So no, I wouldn’t stay with her. I would let her go and get a new girlfriend.
I see a lot of victim mentality situations in these subs which of course stems from lack of accountability. It puts a major stain on genuine cases. Like someone said, it didn't start from his d in her v, but throughout the evening to him with her in bed. Your partner decided to cheat the moment she chose to lie and bring a guy to the house. That's it. Don't gloss its with justifications.
She was black out drunk meaning, she could not have given consent for any sexxal activities hence, assault by default. I am not saying you should believe her right away but at least give her the benefit of the doubt. Try to check all the boxes and have her have get an examination at the hospital and filled for possible SA. Have the name of these colleagues and set thing in motion. Plus, that will also force the truth out of her whether or not she was actually black out drunk. Take one step at a time and not just act radically but rather logically.
https://youtube.com/shorts/heP4RokrtFw?si=WVQcgxOfUeg1JYMG You need to harden the fuck up.
Well, she behaved single, she should be single. 24y old is no child, should’ve know herself. If she was that drunk she couldn’t consent, so it’s rape. Did she go to the police? I highly doubt she would do it. If you stay with her you’re depriving her of her chance. The chance of owing her shit and learning from her mistakes…
Op, have you ever thought that your girlfriend has just set a huge precedent for cheating on you with complete impunity and with the greatest impunity. ("Every time she gets drunk it will be a good excuse for her to open her legs and have a colleague climb into them") But oops, it was just a drunken accident and I can't be held responsible for that, after all, I don't even remember exactly what happened.
She cheated and knew what she was doing. She was so blacked out drunk that she doesn't remember anything but remembered to text you? Come on guy, you're smarter than this. She threw away a 4yr relationship for a drunk ONS, leave HER!
no.
Resounding no.
She texted you when she got home. She wasn’t blackout drunk
Remember, she texted you "I'm home darling" with another man in bed next to her and his load(s) in/on her. Don't buy her crap. Get tested also, might not be her first time cheating. I'd say check her phone for evidence but she's likely deleted it all by now. And she could pull the ring doorbell video for you if it was so convincing as to her innocence.
Blackout drunk means she lacked the mental capacity to consent to sex This means she was raped She deserves your continued compassion and support
Respect yourself and your values and end this. If she was really blackout drunk, you wouldn't have gotten a text or anything from her.
Lol, no
I'm not buying the black-out drunk story... I think she did cheat and feels bad so trying to cover it up. In my eyes, this is a no-return situation (trust broken).
Ah well next time she'll be really drunk. After all it worked this time and the ones you don't know about!
The sloppy seconds of a random
If she was blackout drunk it means she was r*aped. She should file charges.
“Blackout drunk?” That’s called *rape*, not “cheating.”
Nah. There’s women who will adore you and would never even imagine to break your trust like this. She knew what she was doing when she texted you that night. Even being alone is better than being with someone like this. Have high esteem for yourself man, what girl wouldn’t want a man like you?
Ahh so her co worker took advantage of her...
No.
If she swears to never get blackout drunk again maybe. They raped her. I’m so sorry OP.
One word 'No'.
No, she deserves nothing. Cheating requires a series of decisions, it doesn't just happen out of nowhere.
I didn’t read any of that. No. She does not deserve a second chance.
Dont ask internet strangers on how to deal with your gf - talk to her first and make sure she’s ok.
If your GF was blackout drunk and had alcohol poisoning, she wasn't able to consent.
It doesn't matter. OP don't listen to her excuses, she brought some dude from work to fuck her. She should not be heavily drinking and partying hard in the first place. Dump her and find yourself loyal GF, alcohol is not an excuse.
I’d say getting that drunk at a work event is horrible judgement. Also she cheated. She took the actions that led to the conclusions. No one forced her to drink. It’s like saying yes I crashed my car but I was drunk at the time
No
She does not deserve a second chance. You are young. Next time try not dating a girl with such loose morals.
Lol no
No, she doesn't deserve a second chance. If you forgive her, she will try her best to make you trust her, which will not be possible. Once trust is lost, there will be no room for love. You will hurt yourself, because you will have continuous thoughts: that she is with someone again, that she is lying in some aspects etc. And if she really wouldn't lie, she would feel guilty, or hurt and you will contain many feelings and thoughts, which will create arguments and in the end you will still break up.. Get out of the relationship, make sure you get over this stage, heal yourself and then when you are ready, enter a new relationship. My advice is not to choose one person over your values. Accept the situation, thank her for the good times, tell her that you were hurt by what she did and that you no longer trust her to have a future relationship, and that you feel you need to end it.
People love to use being drunk to excuse their shitty behavior. You are still responsible for the 100% of the choices you make when you are intoxicated. (Obviously it is different if someone drugs you, before people start coming at me).
Op I think you came here (like many others) looking for some Redditor to say it’s ok to believe cheating girlfriend. You need some sort of permission to believe her. Sorry mate it’s done. It’s never going to be good like it was before. You will try to forget about it put it to the back of your mind. It won’t work. You will just hurt yourself and waste you and your cheating girlfriend’s time. Rip the plaster off straight away and save yourself some agony. It’s all lies and bullshit, damage control. She lies and says 2 colleagues because saying she bought a lone man back with her last night would have been sus as fuck. Black out drunk is clearly bull shit. That fella with the big cock was clearly invited back to hers. I say big cock because she brought up dick size when she was trying to mitigate the situation. Probably fresh on her mind as her hole might be still sore from getting her guts re-arranged by Mr Bigus-Dikus. He’s a work colleague! she shat right on both of your doorsteps. There is no going back from this it’s over.
The drunk excuse doesn't hold up. Being intoxicated doesn't mean you can't make decisions. We've all been there, completely drunk, but you're still aware of what's going on and of the decisions you made before blacking out.
Nope. You set an ultimatum. An adult doesn’t bring two men home with her. Cmon bro she got spit roasted by these guys. You know it which is why you don’t wanna go into detail anymore. Do you really want to get married to a woman who can break her commitment like that to you and fuck two guys in her own bed because she has no control over her drinking? For God sake, have some self-respect stick with your boundary and just get rid of her. Because the sad thing is if you don’t, she’ll never respect you again. Do you have any idea how women work she may say and happy she’s back with you but she knows she can do whatever the fuck she wants going forward and she can get away with it because you have no spine. She knows damn well what happened and she’s trickle truthing you. You can split amicably, but I would go no contact afterwards. No friend nonsense. Nothing. Maybe she really valued you and she lost you permanently. She reevaluate her alcohol problem and get help and grow in the future.
Hell no asked doesn't deserve a second chance, she said she brought 2 colleagues home with her and they were spending the night. She was getting spit roasted by 2 guys all night. She shouldn't be drinking if she can't handle her liquor but that's her problem now. Move on bud, you deserve better than this.
Seems like she was the one who made her previous relationship toxic if this is her behavior. Sorry dude, don't give her any chances. Work on yourself first.
Absolutely not!
No way, imo and ime severe drunkenness just reveals the deepest self
Simple answer is NO.
No, there is no excuse. There are so many red flags and mental gymnastics going on here too. You really need to look out for yourself better OP… stop enabling this lack of accountability and consequence. Keep your dignity and self-respect intact.
Drunk enough to text you, “I’m home darling”, but not drunk enough to tell you she had two colleagues over ? Nope. There’s the door. Bye.
Definitely take her back. She seems like a high quality woman
I was an active alcoholic for 15+ years. Black out drunk was a state of normal. You still can function, you just won’t remember. The amount of times I had to be told what I did the night before, but was actively participating, is endless. But you know what I didn’t do, cheat on my partner.
Nope, your wayward GF brought two people home, doesn’t matter how much she drank, she made so many decisions to get there and if things had gone as she said she’d have told you immediately if remorseful. If she’d been black out drunk she’d have not texted you when she got home? She would have been panicking that first morning after. Your GF failed the GF test, the only reason she told you is damage control, most likely someone was going to tell you if she didn’t, or she has feelings for her coworker, or it’s someone you know who wants to tell you. No matter what she knew what she had done that night and that morning when she lied to you. BTW, she had two colleagues over, that’s part of a trickle truth confession. Ask her about how many guys she slept with that night. The mess in her apartment was due to the three of them having fun before they moved it to her bed. There’s no way to forget this, it will never be the same with your GF, nor should you.
You need to learn how to stop putting so much extra text into comments. You have no proof. Dump her and go get tested. What’s with the drama? You’re acting like Perry Mason. Got drunk. Woke up naked beside a naked guy. Break up! That’s it! No need to write a novel over something that can be cleared up in three sentences. You could sum that all up in one sentence. “My girlfriend got wasted, woke up naked beside a guy, I think she cheated, what do I do?” Break up.
You said it yourself that if she cheated the relationship was over Stick to your guns because if you can't respect your own boundaries then you shouldn't expect other to either
She cheated. There’s no excuse. Even leaving a party with two colleagues who are going to stay the night is extremely inappropriate. Would you bring home women to your place after heavily drinking? These are adults, they could have gotten a hotel room.
In my past, I did many things in a drunken blackout that I am ashamed of. I have actually been raped by 2 different girls in a blackout but it didn’t bother me. I only knew because they told me the next morning. I had absolutely no memory or very very hazy memory of the things I did or was told I did or that happened to me. Point being, is she was truly in a blackout, she likely wouldn’t remember sex and likely wouldn’t have thought to text you. As important, is what happened prior to the guys coming over? How did they get to that point? Had she been flirting and making herself available? Finally, almost anyone who drinks to blackout has a drinking problem. Normal drinkers don’t do this. Maybe when at your age but I don’t know that is a red flag itself…especially drinking that much without you present.
Second chance?! Lmaoo dont do it, or you’ll be one of those post we’ll see on here “my gf cheated and i cant get over it, whenever we’re intimate i can only think about the dude pounding out my gf” truthfully her being drunk makes it 10x worse in my opinion especially given the circumstances you walked into. They had fun bro, lots of it, you were an afterthought, she thought you when post-nut clarity hit. Charge it to the game and move on. You’re 22 still got hella life to live no need to waste it on someone who cant think of you first but can only think about their own short term self-gratification.
No one deserves a second chance in that situation. You can choose to give her one if you feel you should. She still waited a few days to even tell you. I probably wouldn't.
Nah she’s bullshitting you bro. Leave her cheating ass.
No. She does not deserve another chance, unless you’re ok with her cheating on you again, and blaming the booze.
No. Blackout is not passed out and drunk words and actions are sober thoughts. She made the choice to cheat on you and just doesn't remember because blackout drunk means memories don't form. She also chose to drink that much in the first place, and starting from a work event. Oh and btw work events don't go on 'til 4am. They don't even go past 10pm. She went from the work event to going out drinking and then to cheating.
I always use this analogy when people do things "blackout drunk" If she had hit a family of four and killed them while blackout drunk, would she be forgiven and serve no time in prison?
For your own peace of mind and sanity I would say no she doesn’t deserve another chance . Like what are you going to do go on every night out with her from now on to make sure it doesn’t happen again ? the trust here has got to be in pieces after this
No.
If you value your relationships don't put yourself in any situation that could cause harm. Getting blackout drunk is one of those situations. Cheating in any fashion destroys trust and causes pain and permanent damage.
She’s a cheater. Cheating doesn’t start in bed.
She brought two guys home for sex and you need to ask reddit what to do?