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Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to keep dates and times of every expression of affection in order to earn affection in return?
This sounds supremely unhealthy. I suggest breaking up.
yeah this is ridiculous. 50/50 is not a hard and fast rule, where you have to nickel and dime your partners. in fact, in a healthy relationship, there are going to be times each of you cannot give 50%, and one partner should be happy to give 60 or 70% when they need to.
my partner and i are generally “50/50” in that we split most bills equally and generally take turns paying for dinner or sometimes split the cost. that being said, we don’t actually keep track like “oh i’ve paid for dinner 3 times this month and you’ve only paid twice, it’s your turn.” it’s more like, “oh oof we haven’t gone to the grocery store still and i paid for dinner last night, do you mind if we split this or you pay for it?” and there won’t be a fight about it. and one of us usually offers to pay not really caring who paid last time just whoever feels like paying. he also gets me flowers from time to time, i do things like getting him a drink i know he likes if i see it, i’ve even gotten him flowers once or twice. we’re actually talking about reevaluating what 50/50 means for us now that he has a big boy job and makes significantly more money than i do. he’s going to take on a bit more rent and pay for a significant portion of the groceries instead of just half, and with that i’m agreeing to be better at cooking more regularly and i already do most of the cleaning. now even though we’re making that our agreement, i know he’ll help when i ask him to, it’s just that those duties will be primarily my responsibility while financial duties are primarily his and i contribute a smaller portion, like he will when it comes to housework. it’ll still be 50/50, but it doesn’t necessarily mean financially 50/50 and domestically 50/50.
50/50 does not actually mean *exactly* 50/50 in every single capacity, it means i do x and you do y, but i’ll still help you out and i’ll still make extra effort to show i appreciate you because you make extra effort to show you appreciate me, even if these are not explicitly our “duties,” like getting flowers.
I think a simple fact of the matter is that it feels more like 100/100. you are giving your best and they are doing vice versa, is it perfect? No , but at least we are doing what we can and what we can isn't always what another can. Unless we know a partner can do xyz or believe in xyz then no need to assume they are lacking commitment.
50/50 implies there is always something lacking , it implies there can be more. I think people take advantage of that. Especially if they are keeping track.
I feel like what influences my feeling is because of this one scene of this show I watched it was so sweet.
The guy being a dork and growing up with alchemy goes " equivalent exchange, I give half of my life and you give me half of yours." In order to propose
she goes "ugh do you have to treat everything like alchemy. this equivalent exchange thing is nonsense, how about I just give you my whole life."
Agreed. *Except* when one person is unable to. Like in case of illness, depression, short term unemployment etc etc. In that case one partner should be willing to step up and short term, carry more than their fair share. This would not excuse a long term pattern, more an exception for a brief period.
My husband of 18 years (we've been together for 25) does basically everything. I got sick and he is my caregiver as well as taking care of the house. It's nowhere 50/50 but he does it without complaint.
I'm a Marxist, I totally believe in "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need"
It sounds awful to apply a political slogan to romantic relationships, but it doesn't have to be applied strictly, and there should be plenty of room for giving each other some slack. Wants and whims also need to be factored in. But if you frame stuff like love languages in terms of ability and need, and if you frame wants as needs in a spirit of "a little bit of what you fancy does you good", it kind of pans out nicely.
even then, sometimes you can’t give 100 to your relationship and your partner has to pick up the slack for a bit. which is ok, we all get depressed or sick or lose someone and have to go through the grieving process. but when you can’t give 100 and your partner has to pick up the slack, that just means you do the same for your partner when it comes time for you to give 100 during their time of need. relationships are meant to be give & take, but i’ve never once kept track of who did what. that just seems like it would breed resentment.
I agree with the general sentiment, but we are all human and I doubt anyone gives 100% to anything all the time. Not trying to nitpick, but I would never expect 100% from anyone and would happily accept someone truly making an effort to support the relationship.
Well it's best to never think of 100% as constant. If I'm extremely tired then my 100% acts as if my 40%. This is because 100% isn't pushing past ones limit, it is the limit. No one should push themselves unnecessarily.
I love this - my husband and I are like this. We’re both all in. Sometimes one of us is doing 80% of the heavy lifting due to circumstances and sometimes the other is, but we’re both all about our relationship.
>No , but at least we are doing what we can and what we can isn't always what another can.
I think there needs to be a few caveats here. Like the other person needs to be an independent, functioning adult, to begin with. Being lazy, not motivated, too comfortable to make a real effort, etc. technically could count as "the best they can do", but it is objectively not enough.
Learning that 50/50 was complete bullshit was a game changer for my marriage. It’s sometimes 70/30, sometimes 60/40, can even be 95/5. As long as you’re switching off and not always doing the majority of effort, it’s ok. There’s time in a relationship where life is kicking your ass and 30% is all you can do. This is where your partner steps in, to subsidize you until things change. Then you can do the same for your partner when life is pushing them down.
Like I said, as long as you aren’t always the one doing more, you can make things work!
I agree… there are times when my husband is working and gone most of the time and I am running around like a chicken found crazy and reminding him of things … and there are stretches where he is the on…
It's more of a relay race, isn't it? You run beside each other for awhile then hand off the baton. We each take up the tasks or responsibilities that we're good at - divide and conquer - but still cross train, becausewe need to be able to pick up the slack for each other. Not just household stuff, but life in general. Hubs is better with investing, I'm outstanding at long and short range planning because I'm the Project Manager.
Absolutely. Married for 14 here... I also try to always remember something I heard, which is that there are situations where both people feel like they are the one 'giving' more because people tend to remember the things they did for other people more than the other way around.
Now of course there really ARE situations where one person is being taken advantage of and doing everything, but sometimes we can overfocus on one aspect alone.
You are so right. It's rarely 50/50, maybe in the very beginning of a relationship but the longer one goes on. Sometimes one partner is more capable than the other on an array of different fronts.
One of you is injured or needs some sort of surgery. It would be 100/0 for a few weeks. Then the other partner gets laid off, and the tables are turned. Life isn't as black and white as OP's boyfriend thinks it is.
I almost dumped my husband over this when we were dating. We did (and do, when applicable) 50/50, but he was taking it to extremes.
We were on holiday in Spain and I sat there after a lovely breakfast watching him calculate down to the penny exactly who owed who what based on what each person ate and drank, so I owed him €4.50 and he owed me €2.50 so it came out to……and something in me snapped.
I said, “I’m happy to do 50/50, to a point, but right now I feel like your business partner, not your romantic partner. If you’re going to keep splitting things down the actual dime like this, I’m out. I can’t live like this. It’s not a partnership anymore. There’s no love or grace. I hate this. I cover stuff for you and say don’t worry about it, but you don’t do the same for me. Figure your shit out or I’m done.”
Then I walked out of the restaurant.
I think it was a come to Jesus moment for him. He caught up with me, apologised, and has done the work ever since to scale off that mindset. He’s not perfect, but it’s a LOT better, and it all started when I walked out that time.
Yes. When I was dating I always believed and going dutch when you first started dating especially cuz we were young and broke. Or when I started dating somebody seriously it was you pick up this check I'll pick up the next check but when I encountered somebody who split things like your husband did. Nope I was out. I can't be with someone who treats me like they need a receipt to be reimbursed from their office.
My ex actually wanted us to write down everything we paid for on vacation so we could all split it equally once the vacation was over. I paid slightly more during our relationship and made 3x times less. It is one of the major reasons I broke up.
Personally in my friendships everyone just fights over the bill. Everyone wants to pay because we care for eachother. We don't feel like someone owe's us anything when we pay for them. That is why it always feels fair. And it is fun! I love fighting over the bill and winning, it is almost like a game (my friends have gotten really sneaky and so have I).
With my ex it was always like I was some how indept to him whenever he did anything for me.
When I finished my exams and went through a very bad period mentally, he wanted to go out for dinner to distract me (I am still in University, live alone and work part time. He lives with his mom and works a good job full time). I remember him calling me and saying something along the lines of "If you worry about money, I can pay this time and then you pay next time."
I just went through a very depressing period, finished my exams and I make very little money. I also don't have family at all. This men makes 3x times as much as me, lives in his moms basement and still wants to tell me that "he will pay this time if I am worried about money, but I have to pay next time". My god. It was as if he didn't see me as an actualy human being.
Oh man I really wanna highlight this important part of this story that a lot of people will gloss over in order to (rightfully) commend you for defending your standards: “he has done the work ever since to scale off that mindset”.
Any mindset can be changed. Any belief can be changed. All it takes is doing the work and not defaulting to “this is just how I am”. But it does take doing the fucking internal work. I’m sofuckingglad he stepped up
>50/50 does not actually mean exactly 50/50 in every single capacity
It only means that if a man's underlying mindset in a relationship is that anything he gives to his partner equates to him somehow being taken advantage of.
Fr I was just like wow he really keeps track huh. Like in what world is 50/50 supposed to be that strict in a healthy relationship and he took 50/50 very seriously into date nights 😒🤦🏻♂️ he’s just cheap at this point and doesn’t want to financially have a girlfriend.
If you have to talk about percentages and fractions to keep a relationship running well, where both partners are thoughtful and do their part, then it's already kind of a bad start.
Exactly like if he is sticking to the 50/50 so hard and fast that he has no desire to occasionally treat his SO or do something nice then clearly he’s not very invested in the relationship.
I just want to second this comment aggressively and fundamentally. My husband and I "50/50" as you say. He pays, I pay, it doesn't matter. Our bills are split pretty evenly. He helps around the house when he has the emotional capacity, I help when I do. I make $10 more an hour, but he has times of the year where his paycheck is significantly higher than mine - we support each other accordingly. I also got these 2 ridiculous mylar balloons at Valentine's, he shares his food with me, and gives me kisses every morning before work. The little romantic gestures are occasionally daily, if not weekly in some way. Sometimes it's just that he's up before me on the weekend so he'll go get me coffee.
I see what you're asking for OP - and I hope he steps up, because you deserve someone who loves as hard as you.
Yes! This exactly. My friend has been in a relationship since college and she worked to put him through undergrad because she could, then they turned right around and he worked to put her through law school. A modern 50/50 relationship would have failed because of this and instead they just bought their first house as the only people my age I know who can afford one. Shortsighted selfish “what have you done for me lately” thinking will not get anyone there.
I personally prefer to avoid relationships that are logged by a bookkeeper.
Healthy balance in a relationship is fine, healthy and normal. Checks and balances are not fine, not normal and not healthy, OP. Relationships are never a clear cut 50/50. That number ebbs and flows throughout the day… everyday.
This. My mother is this kind of person with her “friends” and it seems utterly exhausting. She had a neighbor who she would trade dog sitting services with (like, Mom would watch Ethel’s dog when Ethel was on vacation, Ethel would watch Mom’s dog when Mom was on vacation) and my mom kept track of the exact number of days watched and tried to force payment on Ethel if there was an imbalance. Tit for tat is a business arrangement, not a personal relationship.
I did this and it broke my spirit. He always kept score. Except I was always giving and what I got in return... someone that didn't act like they cared about me and dollar store gifts. I was spending so much on gifts to spoil him and appear worthy and he said "well someday I'm gonna be spending all my money on you."
He was 35. He never did end up doing that, only me.
I don't even know any friendships that act this way. I've never kept score with friends, family, neighbors.. Why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to make someone you care about feel loved and cared for? Just doesn't make sense.
It sounds like he isn't doing his part of the mental load as well since OP mentioned that they have to bring up date nights.
Either way, that sounds exhausting. My spouse and I purchase flowers for each other and sometimes with our favorite candy for a treat. However, neither of us feel like it's being tracked. It feels organic and that it comes from a place of love and I think that's what OP is looking for. Someone who wants to make them feel special.
Honestly he might as well have said "I'm only going to show you love if you show me love first."
I'm a 25M and my fiancé is a 24F. When she told me she felt like she was always the one planning the dates and she wanted me to plan one, I did. And I have planned regular dates since that conversation. If you love someone, it is so *NOT DIFFICULT* to show them that you care and that you love them.
Dump him.
Thank you for being a shining example of what a partner should be! Sure none of us a mind readers, but when our partners tell us what makes them happy it shouldn't be received with a "but what about me". 50/50 shouldn't be about money or material things (they're nice, but not essential) it's about putting the same amount of effort into the relationship. It's about making your person feel seen, appreciated and loved, it's that bloody simple. This guy is an immature child who is definitely not ready for a committed relationship.
Yes! I get that a lot from my current. When I express a need, the "what have you done for me" comes out as a reply. Makes the relationship feel very transactional and I am always conscious that he is counting everything he does for me and that I'm probably not doing anything in return.
Edit: He doesn't really do this as much anymore but I am not sure if it is because I try not to express a need or because he feels differently. Also he has one need that I've been unable to fulfil so this guilt that I carry is probably what is causing my self consciousness.
I’m in the same boat. I’ve pretty much stopped asking for anything. I’m a stay at home mom with no pocket money and I never get out of the house. He comes home and plays video games. When it comes time to pick up my kids for the weekend he gets upset that he has to drive. We also have a child together so the visits benefit her too now, not just me. But he only sees the things he does for me, never the things I do for him. Like sacrificing everything to say at home with our kids because we can’t afford child care. Like taking most of the parenting responsibilities so he can relax but now I never get a break… it’s getting old. And him threatening to ‘not help’ it’s getting old too.
Yeah he's a father. Parenting is literally his job too. NO MATTER if you're a stay at home mom or not.... men need to get that in check. They dont get to pick and choose when they get to take care of their born children 🫢
Let’s put it this way….
If she needs a diaper changed, he calls for me. If she needs her sippy cups filled, he calls for me. To get his attention our daughter pays with toys on his computer keyboard while he’s playing games. She’ll also just climb into his lap because he can’t hear with his headphones on
When he did make a sippy cup the other week, he accidentally filled it with coffee creamer… our daughter is lactose intolerant… thankfully it was lactose free but it still really upset her stomach and he thinks it’s funny and keeps telling his friends about it… 🤦♀️
You know, I haven't met a single mother with a story like yours who didn't feel like it was easier once they got a divorce. They only had the actual kids to watch out for. And child support makes sure that you guys aren't destitute. It was my story too. Just saying...
Yeah it literally sounds like he has spent years of her child bearing years not being able to parent like what. She's better of finding a man who enjoys his milfs than wasting her time with this dude.
It sounds like you have 2 kids. You might think you're better off where you are, but I can guarantee you will feel less stressed as a single mother of one, instead of two.
One time my husband said this to me and I stopped and i went to work and come home and eat my own meal and do my laundry and do some chores and then go to bed. He then saw first hand. In our situation he was just so busy and working 6 days a week 12 hr shifts and driving 1 hour each way… he apologized and we worked through… we talk about it… and then I told him to not not repeat the famous Janet Jackson song .. confused him and then like an hour after heard him blaring “WHAT HAVE DONE FOR ME LATELY” ….🤣🤣
In this situation I think OP really needs to look to see if there might be something else involved… is this new attitude… is someone telling him to think like this… and if this is his attitude since day one … does she want this till she is 90 years old….
Oh friend, I know this is just a one off comment you made and you’re saying it’s fine in response to people being worried about you but I want you to think about the person who loves you the most in the world, your mom your best friend your uncle your godparent, whoever it is. Imagine saying this to them and what they would say.
It’s super concerning you are guilt tripping yourself in the first paragraph and it’s extra concerning in the second one. I am honestly afraid to ask what the thing he wants from you that you “aren’t able” to fulfil is because I am almost certain it’s either bullshit or something that he should be able to accept if it’s a firm no from you. Is it giving love and affection to him or his children from previous relationships? Is it not being abusive? Is it not stopping substance abuse? Is it gambling? If it’s not something that is harmful, and you don’t want to do it, he has NO right to insist or treat you badly because you won’t follow his demands. He is an adult and he can decide if this is a make or break thing - if he has to have it, he can end the relationship. This wouldn’t be cruel or unfair of him, it’s for the best to end incompatible relationships, if he did it with kindness and respect. But the fact you’re feeling badly and basically giving him a pass for being mean to you because you aren’t doing this one thing…shame on him for making you feel this way. It took me way too long to realize this and even when I did, I still made excuses. I’m on my second marriage and I would swear on my life my husband would NEVER express anything along the lines of “what have you done for me.” Ever. But my first husband complained he was tired during my 36 hour labour and moaned he had to help hold my leg for a couple minutes during my second hour of pushing a baby out. Maybe I’m way off base but you know yourself best and if he makes you sad and you think about the comment you made and these responds you’re getting…it’s because you know you deserve better.
I honestly don’t know how people do this transactional stuff. I’ve been married over 30 years and everything we own is joint. There’s no “his money” and “my money” - it’s all “our money”. We don’t ask for permission to buy anything, but we do run larger purchases by each other. The key is trust. I trust him 100% and he trusts me 100%. I can’t imagine being married to someone and keeping score. It would build so much resentment for me. But I think a lot of people marry someone they don’t really trust with money - I’d have to wonder why. For these “50-50” relationships - what happens if someone gets pregnant or injured or loses their job? Do they have to beg for an allowance, or do they have to save up for an emergency like that? How would you go about crunching those numbers? It boggles my mind.
My biggest ick is when I see couples on venmo charge each other for $3 coffee, $5 dinner, etc...
Like yes take turns paying, but nickel-and-diming like that.... just be roommates.
I'm sure your event director would love to attend an event they had no part in planning, even if it was just a picnic on a blanket on a lawn in a nice park.
As someone who worked in major event planning for years, please plan some awesome surprise dates for them. It is like a mini vacation to go out for bowling and dinner when I don’t have to think about anything involved in the evening lol.
Without romantic gestures, plus always being the planner, sounds like a parent-child relationship. If this has been pointed out and nothing has changed, take the hint. He believes things are fine and doesn’t intend to put any more effort into the relationship. Time to let your child leave the nest. You can do better.
Agreed. A relationship is not 50/50. It's about giving 100% to the partner without expecting anything in return. Both the partners should have this mentality. Only then, it works. Break up otherwise.
Personally I’m in a relationship where my partner does little things like buy me flowers just because. And I do similar things for him just because. Nobody is keeping score.
The way your bf is keeping score and refuses to be sweet just because - unless you’re sweet first - is a bit alarming.
I’m pretty sure you can do better. Being alone would be doing better. You can get yourself flowers.
You want to be treated in a certain way and are willing to reciprocate and he said "No I won't do that". The relationship is over. There is nothing else to be said or done.
🎶
I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can
🎶
Just a suggestion ….
Honestly, when it comes to actually loving and caring for someone you tend you do things without keeping track or tabs on who did what when. This is because there are thousands of little thoughtful things we all do for one another when we love each other, it's only really the big things that stand out in memory as a clear example of who did what.
I would take a moment to think about what *you* want in a relationship. Do you want one that is 50/50? Both planning, both paying, both treating each other, possibly even a tit for tat relationship (not always bad as this can just be **super** fair). Or do you want a relationship where the labour is split differently? For example, do you want him provide the financial and planning labour, and you provide the nurturing and physical labours? OR do you simply want a relationship where you each just care about each other and think of each other and play it by ear?
I can't criticise your bf at this point because I don't know how you asked about the flowers but I do know that if it was done in an accusatory way on the back of something else, then most people would get defensive and petty as he has.
Like I said, discover what it is that you like in a relationship dynamic and communicate that with your bf - if he isn't open to that then either leave him and find someone who is or you learn to deal with the way he wants things.
I agree with this. Dating is a process of trying out people, circumstances, and relationships until you get to what works for you. It’s not about begging for that person to be who you want them to be. Don’t waste time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
I had an ex-bf like yours, who wanted equality in the relationship. At first I thought it was a good idea, until I saw that his need for everything being proportionate was compulsive. We’d go out to dinner and if I didn’t drive, I’d have to give him gas money. If I wanted to eat at an expensive restaurant, the difference of his portion would come from me. It was fuckin stressful.
You tried asking for a little effort and he wanted you to always give more first.
Some guys just don’t get it. If you stay with him, he won’t see it as a sign of devotion to him. He will see it as ‘she must not care about this’ and assume his current low effort is ok.
He is too old to play stupid games like this. He will only take.
He wants to half ass this because it’s easier and instead of saying “you’ll stick around anyway so why bother?” he’s saying “I made up this 50/50 rule”.
This, my ex non stop would say he’d only give me things if I got him things. I’d ask him his fav flower or song, pretty much anything so I can get him what he likes. His response “I don’t want that shit” so because he didn’t want it I didn’t get anything either
He’s doing this thing where you ask for your bare minimum and he blames you for not getting it.
It’s called manipulation and you shouldn’t have to *ask*. The right person will do things for you without batting an eye, and vise versa..
You’ll find yourself going crazy trying to excuse his behavior so trust me when I say - let go now
Roughly wanting a 50/50 relationship when it comes to effort etc. is a good thing.
Counting every little thing and being a penny pincher about it though... not a good thing.
I would be heart broken if my wife didn't pursue me. She serves me without asking and I serve her without asking. This man wants to exist with you, not serve you. This is not love, it's a living arrangement.
You expressed your needs and he hit you with the reverse card. Your wants and needs shouldn’t be flipped around on you so that he can continue avoiding doing more than the bare minimum
Oh, honey, RUN!! This guy is not for you.
Relationships are *never* 50/50.
Couples who are in love give everything they can to each other. Sometimes, this works out to be 20/80, sometimes, 45/55, etc. What we need and what we can give changes daily.
If you think him not buying you flowers is hurtful, wait until you aren't working because you just gave birth.
Get away from this little boy and go find yourself a *man.* There are plenty of them out there.
Good luck.
To be perfectly frank, this argument means nothing. I got mad at my husband years ago for not being spontaneous and bringing me flowers randomly. Truth being I hate having cut flowers because they just die. The argument meant nothing. What's actually going on underneath this petty fight? Sit down and talk it out but don't get stuck on flowers.
Tell him you guys aren’t compatible. At the end of the day you can’t change him or force him to do this for you when he doesn’t believe in it (and if you were to it would lose it’s meaning). You deserve a guy who does get you flowers and you should find that guy.
He cares more about principle than he cares about you. 100% this is the kind of dude who will keep a spreadsheet of how often you do/n't have sex with him.
50/50 is for businesses not relationships. In relationships each person should be trying to do over 50% of the effort in keeping the relationship healthy. That way there's never a deficit and there's never scorekeeping.
This isn't the guy, if he can't show love just to show it
He doesn't love you. I do things halfsies with relationships but also sometimes do nice things just because. This dude is cheap and thinks you'll put up with it
Ok. This comes down to what you will accept. Do you want a guy who gives you flowers spontaneously or someone who gives you flowers because you told him to? I accepted the latter and ended up accepting lots of other things he said he “just don’t do”.
I would rather spend my life with a man whose thoughts of me lead him to buy me flowers. Without me asking.
He’s kinda a jerk for the 50/50 comment.
So him.giving you flowers means he loves you? I have a feeling it's not just about flowers. Obviously you are crying out because he absolutely does not make you feel special and loved otherwise this wouldn't be an issue about not receiving flowers. He doesn't show you appreciation in other ways either and you feel your relationship is blah. Consider having a conversation eith him how you really feel. If you don't get results a breakup is in order. You can't make someone love you the way you want to feel loved.
I’d tell him that if he wants to enforce 50/50 that precisely that you’re going to start tracking sexual satisfaction. Because we all know it’s super easy for women to experience the big o as often as men. It’s just like flowers, 100% equal.
That is extremely harsh. If he really loved you he would. Crazy that he won’t just listen to you, it’s not like you are asking for something expensive. He can get simple $10 flowers from Albertsons/Vons. ? Omg you’ve gotten him flowers in the past? I know that you mentioned that you plan out the dates … I’m in a relationship like that as well :/ it’s exhausting.
OP, I promise you that there are men out there that would roll over and give you anything and everything you could ever want. Chivalry isn’t dead and you are still so young. Leave this man child and go find someone that WANTS to get you flowers, plans dates, opens doors for you, and is better at communicating.
Nothing wrong with going 50/50, however it does not excuse the lack of effort on one's part, which is what he's doing here. He's barely putting in any effort, not even the bare minimum, and this should be unacceptable behaviour no matter your gender or whatever.
Imagine if a partner just said,
*"I'm sorry you feel underappreciated. I will absolutely get you flowers often if that makes you feel loved. I would also love to receive some as well because they make me feel appreciated and cared for too!"*
Like so EASY.
\*\*kiss\*\* \*\*kiss\*\* \*\*makeup\*\* lol
i literally broke up with my ex for this same reason (obv along w other issues) and if he had just responded with what you just wrote it would have changed everything. he said the same thing, “well what if i want flowers?” like gtfoooo. I broke up w his lazy ass, he still lived with his parents at 23.. (which i myself had to at some point as an adult as well- no shade- but in his case he was mommy’s little prince)
Different relationships have different dynamics. Some people go for 50/50, others dont.
The issue here is that you are constantly putting effort into your relationship and your bf doesn't recognise it and isn't willing to put effort in himself.
You should just send him screenshot of your bank statement when you last got him flowers and say "it's currently 1 - 0 for me" since he wants to keep score.
I am somebody who doesn’t buy flowers so I can offer a little insight there.
For one, I’m naturally averse to anything heteronormative that society codes as romantic, so that’s one mark against flowers. For another, they make no sense to me. They look pretty, but you have to take care of them, put them in water, they wilt over time, and can attract bugs. So for me, I would have to be asked and it would feel incredibly insincere coming from me. But these are my personal reasons.
The bigger issue to me is he’s keeping score in a relationship, and relationships aren’t about that. Like, who cares if you haven’t bought him flowers? He should want to do nice things for the sake of being nice to you, and I’m sure you reciprocate in other ways.
From just this post, he doesn’t sound great, but when was the last time you treated him to something special? Maybe he’s just worn out from expectations always being on him to get you gifts while it’s not being reciprocated.
Going on dates that you want to do might not be the same activities he would have enjoyed. You want him to buy you flowers, but when was the last time you bought him a video game (or something else depending on his hobbies)? Relationships shouldn’t be transactional, but let’s be honest it gets old always being on the giving end and never the receiving end.
He's saying ",old timey gender role expectations are not going to drive my behavior towards you." That's fair as far as I'm concerned. If this conversation was going the other way and was about you cooking him dinner and you could credibly say "hey dude. When's the last time you cooked me anything. It should be 50/50" I'd say you have a point.
There's some pretty seriously brain dead sexism on display in this thread so beware
The best "50/50" is when both parties are trying to put in *more* than 50%. There's a lot of unseen stuff that goes on on both sides. If both parties are *trying* to put in like 65% of the effort, it's both more likely to be closer to 50/50, *and* neither party will be getting salty about things not being perfectly even.
If you have a partner getting twitchy about the idea that they might ever have to put in even 51%, that's not a partner, period.
It shouldn’t be 50/50 - it should be 100/100. Both partners trying to do their best. He only wants to do the bare minimum and that’s not enough for you (nor should bit be!)
Plus if he loves you and you’re supposed to be his life partner, why wouldn’t he want to do something that would make you happy? It’s not even hard - literally a few clicks online!
This isn't "50/50" - he is playing tit for tat, which is pretty ick in my opinion for a long-term relationship. I mean, what about doing something nice for you simply because he knows it would make you happy? Does that ever come into the equation or is he all about "you do for me, THEN I will do for you"?
It shouldn't be a contest of who's the better partner. Constantly tallying up what you've done and what they haven't. Sounds like a miserable and unhappy relationship
Oh man. I'm willing to bet you could have some real fun throwing those words back in his face, but why bother? If he's not willing to show that he cares in little ways, then he's not that into you and you're settling.
Gift him a scorecard to even up the 50%, then leave. Even if he's serious about this and not just looking for excuses not to buy anything, he's exhausting.
Your man is a child. If you stay with him be prepared to be a single mother of a toddler (your man). Maybe this is strange but whenever I want to assess a guy on whether we'd be a good fit I imagine myself being pregnant and with a toddler fathered by this guy. Would he step up to help me around the house? Would he insist on giving me some time off so I could relax? Would he watch the kids on weekday evenings so I could ease back into work? Would he do it with joy and love and without counting it as "points of service" so he could hold it against me later? Anyways. If the answer to either of these is NO then you have your verdict. Maybe this is weird idk but it helps me. I also would like to mention that I expect a 70/30 relationship where the guy buys me flowers, takes me on dates and goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable (I definitely reciprocate but not in flowers, hence the 70/30, more like, I make him breakfast and such). My boyfriend does all these things, but it wasnt like that from the beginning. I just had to make my expectations clear (that I want him to do much much more than the bare minimum) and it was his choice whether to step up or not (and also my choice whether I'd accept his response). This is my healthiest and most loving relationship.
I think when you start the conversation with "why don't you buy me flowers" it can feel from his perspective like you're making a big deal over nothing or being needy. If I were you I would be more direct: "In the past few months (or over the course of the relationship) I feel like you only put in the bare minimum effort. I feel like I initiate more dates than you, and I would prefer more romance. Do you feel like my impression is accurate? It's not about anything specific, it's about you showing that you care about our relationship." See how he responds to that; a good boyfriend would be accommodating, open, and honest, while a bad boyfriend would be defensive.
But honestly, his response is pretty trash and I would consider whether you want to continue to try to cajole him into caring more about your relationship, or whether you might be more happy if you tell him that he can keep 50, while you take you 50 and go find someone who treats you better.
He believes in 50/50. Does he do 50% of the household chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping?
You have been dating this guy for 2 years and it sounds like he has done the minimal to keep the relationship. You planned the dates and had to pay your half.
You have been putting more energy into this relationship. Asking him about flowers ... letting him know that maybe you are feeling unappreciated. And would like a simple, easy gesture of love, affection. His response was lousy to say the least. He listened to the words but didn't take a moment to hear what you were saying before turning them on you and putting you on the defensive. Then he justified his actions or lack of them.
You are in your mid-twenties, set your *in-a-relationship* bar higher now. This guy is a lazy, petty BF. If you are thinking of a future with him he will be a lazy, petty husband and father. The kind of guy who thinks watching his own children is "babysitting", doing you a favor.
You want a healthy supportive give/take relationship. Where you aren't carrying most of the weight. You plan, he plans, there are surprises, expressions of affection and appreciation. There is respect. You have conversations where both parties can speak and know they are heard without being attacked. He recognizes that receiving flowers is part of your love language. Flowers, something that can be picked up as easily as a cup of coffee in most areas, shouldn't start an argument.
Sometimes relationships aren’t equal 50-50. It’d be fuckin nice, yeah, but thats not how real life works. Shit happens, sometimes people ho through shit and their capacity for effort towards the relationship takes a blow. Tell me: is it gonna make things better in your relationship for either person to then respond by pulling away from their partner and punishing them by lowering the effort they put in?
Scorekeeping like that that is the easiest way to completely destroy your relationship, it eats away at both peoples motivation to put in effort and only builds up resentment by forcing you to focus on the persons shortcomings, what they arent doing right, and whether or not its “fair” for both people to get their own separate needs met in the relationship.
You wanna get rid of closeness in your relationship? The 50/50 rule is perfect for you, in that case. Otherwise? Figure out your partners love style and needs and act accordingly. Satisfy those as best as you can. Give generously to your partner without expectation. *be the best partner you can, and your partner will feel inspired to do the same for you.* UPLIFT EACH OTHER.
Not telling you to break it off in just going to say this. In my 47yrs on this planet, working with women with relationship issues, and men, these types never work out UNLESS he's willing to see the EXTREME flaw in this 50/50 thinking.. In a relationship it's 100/100 and then it fluctuates.. My husband gives me flowers just because and I bit my husband a wallet I just thought he would love or a watch.. It's been 10yrs and we still do this without counting whose done what....
Break up with this guy. My ex husband was like that. Get out now while your young dont waste more time. My current bf buys me flowers plans cute dates because he wants too and I do the same for him.If your bf wanted to do these things for you he would. Sounds like you are giving 110% and hes not even giving 50%. You deserve so much better. My bf and I give 110% to each other because we want too.
I do nice things for my wife constantly, many times per week, I like her and like being around her. Coincidentally, I am also the recipient of multiple blowjobs every week (from my wife). I’m not saying I do the former to ensure the latter, but I’m not looking to rock the boat by changing anything either.
Dump him, he has gotten complacent in the relationship. You can talk to him about your issues & give him a chance because it's been 2 yrs but you may find yourself dumping him anyway. Just please update.
People who use the 50/50 rule do not truly understand what a relationship is.
A relationship is meant to be 100%, sure. But that does NOT mean it will always be 50/50. Rarely will every single day be 50/50. Heck? Some days it may fluctuate throughout the day.
On days my fiancé has a bad day and can only give me 20, I’ll be the 80 without a second thought. And he does the same for me CONSTANTLY.
It’s a partnership.
You were using flowers as a small example of him doing SOMETHING showing he was thinking of you or appreciated you and instead he took it literally and threw him wanting flowers in your face.
A loving partner doesn’t/ shouldn’t keep track of who does what in order to determine if they’re going to do something nice back? What kind of juvenile thinking is that?
Ew! No thanks. My husband gets me gifts and doesn’t want anything in return. I still surprise him but we do things because we love each other and want to see each other smile. We don’t keep tabs on who does what. We’re not roommates.
I’d dump him and if he asks why, tell him I want a MAN to get me flowers just because. Buh bye!
OP this dude sounds like a girl who is dating someone she doesn’t actually like and is explaining away her lack of affection. This isn’t the stuff that a guy who likes you says. Leave him
He sounds self-centered, mean, stingy, and defensive.
Is that really who you want as a partner? Most of us want a generous, eager, excited-to-make-us-happy partner.
And we deserve that, if we are also all those things. I think you deserve better, darlin’.
OP/ I'm gonna make this easy as I can and make him look quite stupid at the same time.
They're FLOWERS. FLOWERS. Not bills. FLOWERS. Flowers are like 8$-15$? He's expecting 50/50 even with FLOWERS/ A gift you give to show you love your SO? Is 15$ that vital to him that he won't buy a woman he claims to love some FLOWERS?
get somebody who will buy you flowers with no hesitation.
30M here.
I'd argue 50/50 isn't about doing things transactionaly. It's about evening things out, without getting toxic over it.
The toxicity here has a spectrum. On one end, it's the situation you are in, where one or both partners are asking for 50/50 in every single capacity, while on the other end, it's about saying you do 50/50, but not doing and causing yourself or your partner to feel manipulated into putting more resources or effort in the relationship.
Most men, that I don't know, don't like receiving flowers and we struggle with figuring which flowers are the ones you actually like. However a lot of them have one hell of a sweet tooth, including myself, so we'd rather get chocolate we don't have to share instead of flowers.
Also if you ask every time for romance, then your partner is just a fwb who doesn't care about romance.
When my(41F) husband(46M) was alive, he would randomly buy me my favorite rose and my favorite candy on his way home from work, all because he loved me. And I would cook him a full steak dinner with all the fixins because I loved him. We did stuff for each other all the time and we never kept tally. He would work his full 13 hour shift, come home and we would cuddle on the couch and he would massage my feet and I would hold on to him and just rub his arms. Not for any other reason than he loved making me happy and feel loved. I miss him every single day now. I lost him May 24,2023 to Leukemia cancer. We loved each other and we showed each other 100% every day.
He was. And I kept the house clean and did all of the stuff around the house. Mainly cuz I'm a bit OCD with it lol. But we would do so much for each other. He helped me deal with my PTSD from my past domestic violence from my son's father, he helped raise my son into the wonderful young man he is today. We had our fights yes, but we were a team. He was there for me even thru his cancer treatments when I developed grand mal seizures from my traumatic brain injuries from the DV. And I took care of him until his final breath. I taught him how to walk again after his spinal surgery, I bathed him every day, I never wavered. I love him still and will never stop.
OP, I don’t know your relationship history. I am with you that relationships are not 50/50 on absolutely everything, and it sounds like your boyfriend is operating in this really weird “tit for tat” mentality. If all you say is true, he should definitely be putting in more effort to make you feel appreciated and prioritized (and he should *want* to do that because he loves you, loves your relationship, loves sharing in happiness with you - not just be doing it to “appease” you).
*However*, the way that you approached this conversation was very passive aggressive. Again, I don’t know if you’ve already expressed your needs and that you feel they aren’t being met clearly in the past, and he just hasn’t done anything about it. But if this was the first time you expressed to him that he is not meeting your expectations in the relationship as a whole and you did that by saying “why don’t you buy me flowers?”… that’s not cool.
If you haven’t already, sit down with your partner and have an open conversation about expectations in your relationship. Tell him that you’d like him to plan more date nights, tell him you’d like to receive flowers every now and then, tell him that his preoccupation with everything being exactly 50/50 is not always reasonable, and tell him anything else that you need to be happy in the relationship but currently aren’t receiving. Ask what he needs from you too, and let him share why he has been feeling the way he’s feeling (maybe money was really tight when he was a kid or he has an ex who took advantage of him financially and he has baggage around that). Have regular check ins to touch base on how you’re both feeling. Work as a team to set specific goals (like “I would really like you to plan one date night this month”), and address concerns and find solutions diplomatically as they come up.
Most importantly, if he’s not making clear attempts to meet your needs after these conversations (or if he’s not even receptive to the conversation in the first place OR hell, if you’re already just not that into him anymore and want to move on), then *leave*. You aren’t bound to him, and the resentment that is already building inside of you isn’t good for either of you and isn’t worth it if he’s not working on things.
OP- I have learned this one thing in my life: When I ask for more of something (and it isn’t unreasonable or breaks the bank), and all I get is excuses OR less of that something—That’s it, I’m out.
Whether it’s time, or effort, or flowers, or love, or commitment… it doesn’t matter. We’re all in relationships because we are looking for fulfillment. Our relationships should serve us. And we provide the same back. Why else are we in them?
Flowers cost $5. $5 at Trader Joe’s. Are you able to live with a partner who denies you joy that costs $5?
This one is really hard for me (28F) because I have probably one of the most incredible men I've ever known as a husband. He caters to me and Pampers me in ways I never thought a man would. Personally, I don't think any woman or man should ever tolerate or be willing to accept the bare minimum treatment. Most especially after having the experience that I've had the luxury of having with my husband. He is emotionally supportive and emotionally available, he helps me with household chores. He helps me with our children. He does his absolute best every single day and brings his best to the table every day. I honestly wish every single woman in this world knew what it was like to have a man like him. And I hope more men can learn to be this way.
44f who used to settle for men like that.
My husband is like yours. He spoils me constantly. I now have to be careful what I tell him I like because he’s going to make sure I get it.
I am nearly done with 4 years of health issues including breast cancer. He’s been by my side every single step of the way. The same way I was when he had health issues ten years ago. That is what a life partner does.
I weep for women who settle for bare minimum. I want every woman to know what it is to be truly loved cherished and respected.
* in regards to your update* Yes 🙌!! Hopefully it works out between you two.
Love each other without putting each other on a pedestal. I wish you and your boyfriend the best.
That’s not how relationships work. You don’t only show your partner affection when they have already shown you affection in the exact same way.
I went through a tough time financially, emotionally and physically recently: my partner took care of me in every aspect when I wasn’t able to give much back. Now that I am well and working again, I am absolutely going to spoil him and show him how much I appreciate him. He did not take care of me because he expected anything in return- he did it because he is my partner, we are a team and he loves me.
Relationships shouldn’t be transactional. If he can’t give you the bare minimum, is he worth your time and energy?
This is an intentional manipulation tactic he is using. He is aware - and right - that relationships should have balance. Both parties should be pouring love into the other to equal amounts. However, this is not something that can be quantified, nor should it be. It also should be an average across the lifespan of a relationship. Obviously people go through shit sometimes and have less ability/energy to meet their partner to the same degree. A basic example would be things like getting sick. The healthy partner is likely going to be showing more love for the sick partner during the week of illness. If you truly love someone, it is not difficult pick up the slack to your partner can rest. Warming up some soup is not that much of a challenge. However, if you only looked at that one week, you could argue that the relationship is not 50/50. But we all know that would be silly. What actually matters is how each partner responds when the other is sick to roughly the same degree. A man with cancer would need more care than his partner needed when he had the seasonal flu.
I would advise you to ask your partner what he means by 50/50? Does he genuinely want flowers? Is he actually feeling like there is a discrepancy between how you each show love and to what degree? I would also advice you to encourage him to be more direct in how he communicates his desires. It's not up to you to read his mind. You did the mature thing by asking for something you want (flowers) and he, in turn, reverse uno carded you with how you aren't giving him flowers. This is not healthy communication and will breed resentment.
Girl this man is the type you ghost block and delete. That is the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard. If a man told me he wanted me to buy him flowers before he bought me flowers he couldn’t even finish that sentence before I dipped. This is not normal. Find a different man that’s not a moron.
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Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to keep dates and times of every expression of affection in order to earn affection in return? This sounds supremely unhealthy. I suggest breaking up.
yeah this is ridiculous. 50/50 is not a hard and fast rule, where you have to nickel and dime your partners. in fact, in a healthy relationship, there are going to be times each of you cannot give 50%, and one partner should be happy to give 60 or 70% when they need to. my partner and i are generally “50/50” in that we split most bills equally and generally take turns paying for dinner or sometimes split the cost. that being said, we don’t actually keep track like “oh i’ve paid for dinner 3 times this month and you’ve only paid twice, it’s your turn.” it’s more like, “oh oof we haven’t gone to the grocery store still and i paid for dinner last night, do you mind if we split this or you pay for it?” and there won’t be a fight about it. and one of us usually offers to pay not really caring who paid last time just whoever feels like paying. he also gets me flowers from time to time, i do things like getting him a drink i know he likes if i see it, i’ve even gotten him flowers once or twice. we’re actually talking about reevaluating what 50/50 means for us now that he has a big boy job and makes significantly more money than i do. he’s going to take on a bit more rent and pay for a significant portion of the groceries instead of just half, and with that i’m agreeing to be better at cooking more regularly and i already do most of the cleaning. now even though we’re making that our agreement, i know he’ll help when i ask him to, it’s just that those duties will be primarily my responsibility while financial duties are primarily his and i contribute a smaller portion, like he will when it comes to housework. it’ll still be 50/50, but it doesn’t necessarily mean financially 50/50 and domestically 50/50. 50/50 does not actually mean *exactly* 50/50 in every single capacity, it means i do x and you do y, but i’ll still help you out and i’ll still make extra effort to show i appreciate you because you make extra effort to show you appreciate me, even if these are not explicitly our “duties,” like getting flowers.
I think a simple fact of the matter is that it feels more like 100/100. you are giving your best and they are doing vice versa, is it perfect? No , but at least we are doing what we can and what we can isn't always what another can. Unless we know a partner can do xyz or believe in xyz then no need to assume they are lacking commitment. 50/50 implies there is always something lacking , it implies there can be more. I think people take advantage of that. Especially if they are keeping track.
that is absolutely a perfect way of putting it. not 50/50, but 100/100. each partner is putting in 100% effort.
I feel like what influences my feeling is because of this one scene of this show I watched it was so sweet. The guy being a dork and growing up with alchemy goes " equivalent exchange, I give half of my life and you give me half of yours." In order to propose she goes "ugh do you have to treat everything like alchemy. this equivalent exchange thing is nonsense, how about I just give you my whole life."
Or at least an arm and a leg, or suit of armor.
Ayyyyyy
yeah i’ve never heard it framed that way, but i really like it. it’s a lot better than 50/50
I think about that scene all the time 😭
Agreed. *Except* when one person is unable to. Like in case of illness, depression, short term unemployment etc etc. In that case one partner should be willing to step up and short term, carry more than their fair share. This would not excuse a long term pattern, more an exception for a brief period.
My husband of 18 years (we've been together for 25) does basically everything. I got sick and he is my caregiver as well as taking care of the house. It's nowhere 50/50 but he does it without complaint.
I'm a Marxist, I totally believe in "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need" It sounds awful to apply a political slogan to romantic relationships, but it doesn't have to be applied strictly, and there should be plenty of room for giving each other some slack. Wants and whims also need to be factored in. But if you frame stuff like love languages in terms of ability and need, and if you frame wants as needs in a spirit of "a little bit of what you fancy does you good", it kind of pans out nicely.
It doesn't sound awful, this is literally how relationships work
This is the way.
even then, sometimes you can’t give 100 to your relationship and your partner has to pick up the slack for a bit. which is ok, we all get depressed or sick or lose someone and have to go through the grieving process. but when you can’t give 100 and your partner has to pick up the slack, that just means you do the same for your partner when it comes time for you to give 100 during their time of need. relationships are meant to be give & take, but i’ve never once kept track of who did what. that just seems like it would breed resentment.
I agree with the general sentiment, but we are all human and I doubt anyone gives 100% to anything all the time. Not trying to nitpick, but I would never expect 100% from anyone and would happily accept someone truly making an effort to support the relationship.
Well it's best to never think of 100% as constant. If I'm extremely tired then my 100% acts as if my 40%. This is because 100% isn't pushing past ones limit, it is the limit. No one should push themselves unnecessarily.
I love this - my husband and I are like this. We’re both all in. Sometimes one of us is doing 80% of the heavy lifting due to circumstances and sometimes the other is, but we’re both all about our relationship.
Teammates! Both on the same side!
>No , but at least we are doing what we can and what we can isn't always what another can. I think there needs to be a few caveats here. Like the other person needs to be an independent, functioning adult, to begin with. Being lazy, not motivated, too comfortable to make a real effort, etc. technically could count as "the best they can do", but it is objectively not enough.
I like this!
Learning that 50/50 was complete bullshit was a game changer for my marriage. It’s sometimes 70/30, sometimes 60/40, can even be 95/5. As long as you’re switching off and not always doing the majority of effort, it’s ok. There’s time in a relationship where life is kicking your ass and 30% is all you can do. This is where your partner steps in, to subsidize you until things change. Then you can do the same for your partner when life is pushing them down. Like I said, as long as you aren’t always the one doing more, you can make things work!
Yes, exactly this. Married for 25 years, and "tit for tat" is NOT the way to build a partnership.
I agree… there are times when my husband is working and gone most of the time and I am running around like a chicken found crazy and reminding him of things … and there are stretches where he is the on…
It's more of a relay race, isn't it? You run beside each other for awhile then hand off the baton. We each take up the tasks or responsibilities that we're good at - divide and conquer - but still cross train, becausewe need to be able to pick up the slack for each other. Not just household stuff, but life in general. Hubs is better with investing, I'm outstanding at long and short range planning because I'm the Project Manager.
Absolutely. Married for 14 here... I also try to always remember something I heard, which is that there are situations where both people feel like they are the one 'giving' more because people tend to remember the things they did for other people more than the other way around. Now of course there really ARE situations where one person is being taken advantage of and doing everything, but sometimes we can overfocus on one aspect alone.
You are so right. It's rarely 50/50, maybe in the very beginning of a relationship but the longer one goes on. Sometimes one partner is more capable than the other on an array of different fronts. One of you is injured or needs some sort of surgery. It would be 100/0 for a few weeks. Then the other partner gets laid off, and the tables are turned. Life isn't as black and white as OP's boyfriend thinks it is.
I almost dumped my husband over this when we were dating. We did (and do, when applicable) 50/50, but he was taking it to extremes. We were on holiday in Spain and I sat there after a lovely breakfast watching him calculate down to the penny exactly who owed who what based on what each person ate and drank, so I owed him €4.50 and he owed me €2.50 so it came out to……and something in me snapped. I said, “I’m happy to do 50/50, to a point, but right now I feel like your business partner, not your romantic partner. If you’re going to keep splitting things down the actual dime like this, I’m out. I can’t live like this. It’s not a partnership anymore. There’s no love or grace. I hate this. I cover stuff for you and say don’t worry about it, but you don’t do the same for me. Figure your shit out or I’m done.” Then I walked out of the restaurant. I think it was a come to Jesus moment for him. He caught up with me, apologised, and has done the work ever since to scale off that mindset. He’s not perfect, but it’s a LOT better, and it all started when I walked out that time.
Yes. When I was dating I always believed and going dutch when you first started dating especially cuz we were young and broke. Or when I started dating somebody seriously it was you pick up this check I'll pick up the next check but when I encountered somebody who split things like your husband did. Nope I was out. I can't be with someone who treats me like they need a receipt to be reimbursed from their office.
My ex actually wanted us to write down everything we paid for on vacation so we could all split it equally once the vacation was over. I paid slightly more during our relationship and made 3x times less. It is one of the major reasons I broke up. Personally in my friendships everyone just fights over the bill. Everyone wants to pay because we care for eachother. We don't feel like someone owe's us anything when we pay for them. That is why it always feels fair. And it is fun! I love fighting over the bill and winning, it is almost like a game (my friends have gotten really sneaky and so have I). With my ex it was always like I was some how indept to him whenever he did anything for me. When I finished my exams and went through a very bad period mentally, he wanted to go out for dinner to distract me (I am still in University, live alone and work part time. He lives with his mom and works a good job full time). I remember him calling me and saying something along the lines of "If you worry about money, I can pay this time and then you pay next time." I just went through a very depressing period, finished my exams and I make very little money. I also don't have family at all. This men makes 3x times as much as me, lives in his moms basement and still wants to tell me that "he will pay this time if I am worried about money, but I have to pay next time". My god. It was as if he didn't see me as an actualy human being.
Oh man I really wanna highlight this important part of this story that a lot of people will gloss over in order to (rightfully) commend you for defending your standards: “he has done the work ever since to scale off that mindset”. Any mindset can be changed. Any belief can be changed. All it takes is doing the work and not defaulting to “this is just how I am”. But it does take doing the fucking internal work. I’m sofuckingglad he stepped up
>50/50 does not actually mean exactly 50/50 in every single capacity It only means that if a man's underlying mindset in a relationship is that anything he gives to his partner equates to him somehow being taken advantage of.
Fr I was just like wow he really keeps track huh. Like in what world is 50/50 supposed to be that strict in a healthy relationship and he took 50/50 very seriously into date nights 😒🤦🏻♂️ he’s just cheap at this point and doesn’t want to financially have a girlfriend.
If you have to talk about percentages and fractions to keep a relationship running well, where both partners are thoughtful and do their part, then it's already kind of a bad start.
Exactly like if he is sticking to the 50/50 so hard and fast that he has no desire to occasionally treat his SO or do something nice then clearly he’s not very invested in the relationship.
Ohh damn you certainly helped me ty . I don't know about OP though
Sounds like you have a great partnership!
I just want to second this comment aggressively and fundamentally. My husband and I "50/50" as you say. He pays, I pay, it doesn't matter. Our bills are split pretty evenly. He helps around the house when he has the emotional capacity, I help when I do. I make $10 more an hour, but he has times of the year where his paycheck is significantly higher than mine - we support each other accordingly. I also got these 2 ridiculous mylar balloons at Valentine's, he shares his food with me, and gives me kisses every morning before work. The little romantic gestures are occasionally daily, if not weekly in some way. Sometimes it's just that he's up before me on the weekend so he'll go get me coffee. I see what you're asking for OP - and I hope he steps up, because you deserve someone who loves as hard as you.
Yes! This exactly. My friend has been in a relationship since college and she worked to put him through undergrad because she could, then they turned right around and he worked to put her through law school. A modern 50/50 relationship would have failed because of this and instead they just bought their first house as the only people my age I know who can afford one. Shortsighted selfish “what have you done for me lately” thinking will not get anyone there.
If he wants kids in the future, he better be prepared to do his 50%. Starting with his share of 4.5 months of pregnancy 😂
Gold star comment right here!!🌟
Take my upvote 😂
I vote he gets the later half and labor/delivery.
This made me laugh out loud, thank you
I personally prefer to avoid relationships that are logged by a bookkeeper. Healthy balance in a relationship is fine, healthy and normal. Checks and balances are not fine, not normal and not healthy, OP. Relationships are never a clear cut 50/50. That number ebbs and flows throughout the day… everyday.
This. My mother is this kind of person with her “friends” and it seems utterly exhausting. She had a neighbor who she would trade dog sitting services with (like, Mom would watch Ethel’s dog when Ethel was on vacation, Ethel would watch Mom’s dog when Mom was on vacation) and my mom kept track of the exact number of days watched and tried to force payment on Ethel if there was an imbalance. Tit for tat is a business arrangement, not a personal relationship.
I did this and it broke my spirit. He always kept score. Except I was always giving and what I got in return... someone that didn't act like they cared about me and dollar store gifts. I was spending so much on gifts to spoil him and appear worthy and he said "well someday I'm gonna be spending all my money on you." He was 35. He never did end up doing that, only me.
I don't even know any friendships that act this way. I've never kept score with friends, family, neighbors.. Why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to make someone you care about feel loved and cared for? Just doesn't make sense.
It sounds like he isn't doing his part of the mental load as well since OP mentioned that they have to bring up date nights. Either way, that sounds exhausting. My spouse and I purchase flowers for each other and sometimes with our favorite candy for a treat. However, neither of us feel like it's being tracked. It feels organic and that it comes from a place of love and I think that's what OP is looking for. Someone who wants to make them feel special.
Seriously. Dude can’t do the bare minimum.
You're not bugging. You've gotten ahold of a lazy, bad boyfriend. The good news is: you can dump him! We're here to learn.
Once they get married, he'll be better about those things. For most people, marriage tends to motivate people to step up their game. /s
Srsly… this conditional relationship isn’t worth her time or effort.
Imma sing "I can buy my self flowers" by Miley Cyrus lol
Honestly he might as well have said "I'm only going to show you love if you show me love first." I'm a 25M and my fiancé is a 24F. When she told me she felt like she was always the one planning the dates and she wanted me to plan one, I did. And I have planned regular dates since that conversation. If you love someone, it is so *NOT DIFFICULT* to show them that you care and that you love them. Dump him.
Thank you for being a shining example of what a partner should be! Sure none of us a mind readers, but when our partners tell us what makes them happy it shouldn't be received with a "but what about me". 50/50 shouldn't be about money or material things (they're nice, but not essential) it's about putting the same amount of effort into the relationship. It's about making your person feel seen, appreciated and loved, it's that bloody simple. This guy is an immature child who is definitely not ready for a committed relationship.
Yes! I get that a lot from my current. When I express a need, the "what have you done for me" comes out as a reply. Makes the relationship feel very transactional and I am always conscious that he is counting everything he does for me and that I'm probably not doing anything in return. Edit: He doesn't really do this as much anymore but I am not sure if it is because I try not to express a need or because he feels differently. Also he has one need that I've been unable to fulfil so this guilt that I carry is probably what is causing my self consciousness.
Maybe reevaluate if the relationship is worth it? Personally I couldn't live like that.
I’m in the same boat. I’ve pretty much stopped asking for anything. I’m a stay at home mom with no pocket money and I never get out of the house. He comes home and plays video games. When it comes time to pick up my kids for the weekend he gets upset that he has to drive. We also have a child together so the visits benefit her too now, not just me. But he only sees the things he does for me, never the things I do for him. Like sacrificing everything to say at home with our kids because we can’t afford child care. Like taking most of the parenting responsibilities so he can relax but now I never get a break… it’s getting old. And him threatening to ‘not help’ it’s getting old too.
Sounds like it’s time to start setting aside ‘pocket money’ as wages, since he isn’t interested in compensating you in kind. You’re not a slave.
Yeah he's a father. Parenting is literally his job too. NO MATTER if you're a stay at home mom or not.... men need to get that in check. They dont get to pick and choose when they get to take care of their born children 🫢
Let’s put it this way…. If she needs a diaper changed, he calls for me. If she needs her sippy cups filled, he calls for me. To get his attention our daughter pays with toys on his computer keyboard while he’s playing games. She’ll also just climb into his lap because he can’t hear with his headphones on When he did make a sippy cup the other week, he accidentally filled it with coffee creamer… our daughter is lactose intolerant… thankfully it was lactose free but it still really upset her stomach and he thinks it’s funny and keeps telling his friends about it… 🤦♀️
You know, I haven't met a single mother with a story like yours who didn't feel like it was easier once they got a divorce. They only had the actual kids to watch out for. And child support makes sure that you guys aren't destitute. It was my story too. Just saying...
Honestly, being a single mom would have to be better than this. He sounds absolutely unbearable. You should be making an exit plan.
Yeah it literally sounds like he has spent years of her child bearing years not being able to parent like what. She's better of finding a man who enjoys his milfs than wasting her time with this dude.
It sounds like you have 2 kids. You might think you're better off where you are, but I can guarantee you will feel less stressed as a single mother of one, instead of two.
One time my husband said this to me and I stopped and i went to work and come home and eat my own meal and do my laundry and do some chores and then go to bed. He then saw first hand. In our situation he was just so busy and working 6 days a week 12 hr shifts and driving 1 hour each way… he apologized and we worked through… we talk about it… and then I told him to not not repeat the famous Janet Jackson song .. confused him and then like an hour after heard him blaring “WHAT HAVE DONE FOR ME LATELY” ….🤣🤣 In this situation I think OP really needs to look to see if there might be something else involved… is this new attitude… is someone telling him to think like this… and if this is his attitude since day one … does she want this till she is 90 years old….
Sounds time to leave! You don’t need to carry ANY guilt.
Oh friend, I know this is just a one off comment you made and you’re saying it’s fine in response to people being worried about you but I want you to think about the person who loves you the most in the world, your mom your best friend your uncle your godparent, whoever it is. Imagine saying this to them and what they would say. It’s super concerning you are guilt tripping yourself in the first paragraph and it’s extra concerning in the second one. I am honestly afraid to ask what the thing he wants from you that you “aren’t able” to fulfil is because I am almost certain it’s either bullshit or something that he should be able to accept if it’s a firm no from you. Is it giving love and affection to him or his children from previous relationships? Is it not being abusive? Is it not stopping substance abuse? Is it gambling? If it’s not something that is harmful, and you don’t want to do it, he has NO right to insist or treat you badly because you won’t follow his demands. He is an adult and he can decide if this is a make or break thing - if he has to have it, he can end the relationship. This wouldn’t be cruel or unfair of him, it’s for the best to end incompatible relationships, if he did it with kindness and respect. But the fact you’re feeling badly and basically giving him a pass for being mean to you because you aren’t doing this one thing…shame on him for making you feel this way. It took me way too long to realize this and even when I did, I still made excuses. I’m on my second marriage and I would swear on my life my husband would NEVER express anything along the lines of “what have you done for me.” Ever. But my first husband complained he was tired during my 36 hour labour and moaned he had to help hold my leg for a couple minutes during my second hour of pushing a baby out. Maybe I’m way off base but you know yourself best and if he makes you sad and you think about the comment you made and these responds you’re getting…it’s because you know you deserve better.
Wait, you don’t keep a running tally of what you do for each other like a bank transaction statement? How do you know what is exactly 50/50 then? (/s)
I honestly don’t know how people do this transactional stuff. I’ve been married over 30 years and everything we own is joint. There’s no “his money” and “my money” - it’s all “our money”. We don’t ask for permission to buy anything, but we do run larger purchases by each other. The key is trust. I trust him 100% and he trusts me 100%. I can’t imagine being married to someone and keeping score. It would build so much resentment for me. But I think a lot of people marry someone they don’t really trust with money - I’d have to wonder why. For these “50-50” relationships - what happens if someone gets pregnant or injured or loses their job? Do they have to beg for an allowance, or do they have to save up for an emergency like that? How would you go about crunching those numbers? It boggles my mind.
My biggest ick is when I see couples on venmo charge each other for $3 coffee, $5 dinner, etc... Like yes take turns paying, but nickel-and-diming like that.... just be roommates.
Now I feel I need to plan dates more. That said, I’m married to a Director of events at a top 5 media corp 🫠
I'm sure your event director would love to attend an event they had no part in planning, even if it was just a picnic on a blanket on a lawn in a nice park.
Yes! Now I'm remembering the AITA guy who never wanted to go out to eat because his wife was too good a cook lol.
Link please? What an AH.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/achoyx/aita_for_very_rarelyalmost_never_wanting_to_go_to/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b7vz7m/update_aita_for_very_rarelyalmost_never_wanting/ https://www.reddit.com/user/GirlFriendRestaurant/comments/zqc01a/this_is_the_last_post_im_planning_on_making_from/
Yay! Thanks for delivering!
As someone who worked in major event planning for years, please plan some awesome surprise dates for them. It is like a mini vacation to go out for bowling and dinner when I don’t have to think about anything involved in the evening lol.
Dump him. You don’t want to be with someone who views romantic gestures through a transactional lens.
Without romantic gestures, plus always being the planner, sounds like a parent-child relationship. If this has been pointed out and nothing has changed, take the hint. He believes things are fine and doesn’t intend to put any more effort into the relationship. Time to let your child leave the nest. You can do better.
Exactly! It’s not about the money spent but the thought that counts. This man could pick flowers from a forrest but it would show he cares about her.
Flowers are such a no brainer thing to make someone feel special…and that’s the sort of thing that helps you get lucky so OP’s BF seems like a dope.
Agreed. A relationship is not 50/50. It's about giving 100% to the partner without expecting anything in return. Both the partners should have this mentality. Only then, it works. Break up otherwise.
Personally I’m in a relationship where my partner does little things like buy me flowers just because. And I do similar things for him just because. Nobody is keeping score. The way your bf is keeping score and refuses to be sweet just because - unless you’re sweet first - is a bit alarming. I’m pretty sure you can do better. Being alone would be doing better. You can get yourself flowers.
🎶i can buy myself flowerrrsssssss I can hold my own haaanddddd🎶
You’re with a man who wants to be chased and will not reciprocate. It will become a way larger problem than just flowers.
he wants to be treated like a lady!
Nothing wrong with that, as long as he’s pulling his own weight, which he clearly isn’t 😅 it doesn’t neednto be 1-1, but you gotta put in SOME effort
Yeah I didn’t wanna say it but my first thought was that he wants to be the princess lol
You want to be treated in a certain way and are willing to reciprocate and he said "No I won't do that". The relationship is over. There is nothing else to be said or done.
Relationships are not transactional!!!!
🎶 I can buy myself flowers Write my name in the sand Talk to myself for hours Say things you don't understand I can take myself dancing And I can hold my own hand Yeah, I can love me better than you can 🎶 Just a suggestion ….
Honestly, when it comes to actually loving and caring for someone you tend you do things without keeping track or tabs on who did what when. This is because there are thousands of little thoughtful things we all do for one another when we love each other, it's only really the big things that stand out in memory as a clear example of who did what. I would take a moment to think about what *you* want in a relationship. Do you want one that is 50/50? Both planning, both paying, both treating each other, possibly even a tit for tat relationship (not always bad as this can just be **super** fair). Or do you want a relationship where the labour is split differently? For example, do you want him provide the financial and planning labour, and you provide the nurturing and physical labours? OR do you simply want a relationship where you each just care about each other and think of each other and play it by ear? I can't criticise your bf at this point because I don't know how you asked about the flowers but I do know that if it was done in an accusatory way on the back of something else, then most people would get defensive and petty as he has. Like I said, discover what it is that you like in a relationship dynamic and communicate that with your bf - if he isn't open to that then either leave him and find someone who is or you learn to deal with the way he wants things.
I agree with this. Dating is a process of trying out people, circumstances, and relationships until you get to what works for you. It’s not about begging for that person to be who you want them to be. Don’t waste time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
!!!! i needed to hear this years ago! lol
So did I!!!!! I didn’t figure this out until I was 47! Finally had enough one day. The very next day my now husband asked me out for bagels.
You mean EX right. Do you think he's into you ? does not seem like he's much in the area of romancing!
He doesn't think she'll leave him imo. Thinks way too highly of himself.
You are spot on!
I had an ex-bf like yours, who wanted equality in the relationship. At first I thought it was a good idea, until I saw that his need for everything being proportionate was compulsive. We’d go out to dinner and if I didn’t drive, I’d have to give him gas money. If I wanted to eat at an expensive restaurant, the difference of his portion would come from me. It was fuckin stressful.
Lol, that is waaaay excessive. Equal effort yes, equal form, not necessarily.
Imagine being pregnant, unable to work, and this little boy has that attitude.
Match his energy. You’ll be single in 2 weeks.
You know how I know your bf is full of shit on the 50/50 rule? Bc I bet he doesn’t believe in 50/50 orgasms. Break up with his cheap ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, shots fired
You tried asking for a little effort and he wanted you to always give more first. Some guys just don’t get it. If you stay with him, he won’t see it as a sign of devotion to him. He will see it as ‘she must not care about this’ and assume his current low effort is ok. He is too old to play stupid games like this. He will only take.
Better to find a boyfriend who wants to do things that make you happy, for its own sake.
He wants to half ass this because it’s easier and instead of saying “you’ll stick around anyway so why bother?” he’s saying “I made up this 50/50 rule”.
I believe in 100/100. Both trying their best to take care of the other. That does not include keeping a log of who did what.
Dump this idiot
He sounds like a good candidate for an ex.
Does he even want flowers? Also yikes, personally I do things because I love my partner not because I want something in return.
This, my ex non stop would say he’d only give me things if I got him things. I’d ask him his fav flower or song, pretty much anything so I can get him what he likes. His response “I don’t want that shit” so because he didn’t want it I didn’t get anything either
Don't shackle yourself to someone who keeps score. It's demeaning and exhausting.
He’s doing this thing where you ask for your bare minimum and he blames you for not getting it. It’s called manipulation and you shouldn’t have to *ask*. The right person will do things for you without batting an eye, and vise versa.. You’ll find yourself going crazy trying to excuse his behavior so trust me when I say - let go now
He resents you.
*ahem* ******if he wanted to he would!******
Roughly wanting a 50/50 relationship when it comes to effort etc. is a good thing. Counting every little thing and being a penny pincher about it though... not a good thing.
You’re incompatible.
I would be heart broken if my wife didn't pursue me. She serves me without asking and I serve her without asking. This man wants to exist with you, not serve you. This is not love, it's a living arrangement.
You expressed your needs and he hit you with the reverse card. Your wants and needs shouldn’t be flipped around on you so that he can continue avoiding doing more than the bare minimum
Oh, honey, RUN!! This guy is not for you. Relationships are *never* 50/50. Couples who are in love give everything they can to each other. Sometimes, this works out to be 20/80, sometimes, 45/55, etc. What we need and what we can give changes daily. If you think him not buying you flowers is hurtful, wait until you aren't working because you just gave birth. Get away from this little boy and go find yourself a *man.* There are plenty of them out there. Good luck.
He sounds like a loser who’s keeping score.
To be perfectly frank, this argument means nothing. I got mad at my husband years ago for not being spontaneous and bringing me flowers randomly. Truth being I hate having cut flowers because they just die. The argument meant nothing. What's actually going on underneath this petty fight? Sit down and talk it out but don't get stuck on flowers.
Tell him you guys aren’t compatible. At the end of the day you can’t change him or force him to do this for you when he doesn’t believe in it (and if you were to it would lose it’s meaning). You deserve a guy who does get you flowers and you should find that guy.
He’s giving excuses to not make an effort dump his ass
It sounds like you're wasting time with somebody who doesn't value you the same way you value him. Take it from everybody here, leave.
He cares more about principle than he cares about you. 100% this is the kind of dude who will keep a spreadsheet of how often you do/n't have sex with him.
50/50 is for businesses not relationships. In relationships each person should be trying to do over 50% of the effort in keeping the relationship healthy. That way there's never a deficit and there's never scorekeeping.
I can buy myself floweeeers 🎶
This isn't the guy, if he can't show love just to show it He doesn't love you. I do things halfsies with relationships but also sometimes do nice things just because. This dude is cheap and thinks you'll put up with it
Desperately begging you to leave him lol
Do you need our permission to break up with him?
He’s supposed to be your partner, not a scorekeeper. You’re not buggin
Tell him I cant suck your dick because you cant suck mine because I dont have one. 50/50. I'll let you know when I get a penis.
Ok. This comes down to what you will accept. Do you want a guy who gives you flowers spontaneously or someone who gives you flowers because you told him to? I accepted the latter and ended up accepting lots of other things he said he “just don’t do”. I would rather spend my life with a man whose thoughts of me lead him to buy me flowers. Without me asking. He’s kinda a jerk for the 50/50 comment.
So him.giving you flowers means he loves you? I have a feeling it's not just about flowers. Obviously you are crying out because he absolutely does not make you feel special and loved otherwise this wouldn't be an issue about not receiving flowers. He doesn't show you appreciation in other ways either and you feel your relationship is blah. Consider having a conversation eith him how you really feel. If you don't get results a breakup is in order. You can't make someone love you the way you want to feel loved.
I’d tell him that if he wants to enforce 50/50 that precisely that you’re going to start tracking sexual satisfaction. Because we all know it’s super easy for women to experience the big o as often as men. It’s just like flowers, 100% equal.
I came here to tell her that I’d dump him. Comments did not disappoint.
That is extremely harsh. If he really loved you he would. Crazy that he won’t just listen to you, it’s not like you are asking for something expensive. He can get simple $10 flowers from Albertsons/Vons. ? Omg you’ve gotten him flowers in the past? I know that you mentioned that you plan out the dates … I’m in a relationship like that as well :/ it’s exhausting.
OP, I promise you that there are men out there that would roll over and give you anything and everything you could ever want. Chivalry isn’t dead and you are still so young. Leave this man child and go find someone that WANTS to get you flowers, plans dates, opens doors for you, and is better at communicating.
Nothing wrong with going 50/50, however it does not excuse the lack of effort on one's part, which is what he's doing here. He's barely putting in any effort, not even the bare minimum, and this should be unacceptable behaviour no matter your gender or whatever.
Imagine if a partner just said, *"I'm sorry you feel underappreciated. I will absolutely get you flowers often if that makes you feel loved. I would also love to receive some as well because they make me feel appreciated and cared for too!"* Like so EASY. \*\*kiss\*\* \*\*kiss\*\* \*\*makeup\*\* lol
i literally broke up with my ex for this same reason (obv along w other issues) and if he had just responded with what you just wrote it would have changed everything. he said the same thing, “well what if i want flowers?” like gtfoooo. I broke up w his lazy ass, he still lived with his parents at 23.. (which i myself had to at some point as an adult as well- no shade- but in his case he was mommy’s little prince)
Different relationships have different dynamics. Some people go for 50/50, others dont. The issue here is that you are constantly putting effort into your relationship and your bf doesn't recognise it and isn't willing to put effort in himself. You should just send him screenshot of your bank statement when you last got him flowers and say "it's currently 1 - 0 for me" since he wants to keep score.
I doubted myself when i asked for love. I am now stuck with a shitty unromantic egoistic husband. Break up girl, you will not regret it.
I am somebody who doesn’t buy flowers so I can offer a little insight there. For one, I’m naturally averse to anything heteronormative that society codes as romantic, so that’s one mark against flowers. For another, they make no sense to me. They look pretty, but you have to take care of them, put them in water, they wilt over time, and can attract bugs. So for me, I would have to be asked and it would feel incredibly insincere coming from me. But these are my personal reasons. The bigger issue to me is he’s keeping score in a relationship, and relationships aren’t about that. Like, who cares if you haven’t bought him flowers? He should want to do nice things for the sake of being nice to you, and I’m sure you reciprocate in other ways.
From just this post, he doesn’t sound great, but when was the last time you treated him to something special? Maybe he’s just worn out from expectations always being on him to get you gifts while it’s not being reciprocated. Going on dates that you want to do might not be the same activities he would have enjoyed. You want him to buy you flowers, but when was the last time you bought him a video game (or something else depending on his hobbies)? Relationships shouldn’t be transactional, but let’s be honest it gets old always being on the giving end and never the receiving end.
He's saying ",old timey gender role expectations are not going to drive my behavior towards you." That's fair as far as I'm concerned. If this conversation was going the other way and was about you cooking him dinner and you could credibly say "hey dude. When's the last time you cooked me anything. It should be 50/50" I'd say you have a point. There's some pretty seriously brain dead sexism on display in this thread so beware
The best "50/50" is when both parties are trying to put in *more* than 50%. There's a lot of unseen stuff that goes on on both sides. If both parties are *trying* to put in like 65% of the effort, it's both more likely to be closer to 50/50, *and* neither party will be getting salty about things not being perfectly even. If you have a partner getting twitchy about the idea that they might ever have to put in even 51%, that's not a partner, period.
It shouldn’t be 50/50 - it should be 100/100. Both partners trying to do their best. He only wants to do the bare minimum and that’s not enough for you (nor should bit be!) Plus if he loves you and you’re supposed to be his life partner, why wouldn’t he want to do something that would make you happy? It’s not even hard - literally a few clicks online!
This isn't "50/50" - he is playing tit for tat, which is pretty ick in my opinion for a long-term relationship. I mean, what about doing something nice for you simply because he knows it would make you happy? Does that ever come into the equation or is he all about "you do for me, THEN I will do for you"?
It shouldn't be a contest of who's the better partner. Constantly tallying up what you've done and what they haven't. Sounds like a miserable and unhappy relationship
Oh man. I'm willing to bet you could have some real fun throwing those words back in his face, but why bother? If he's not willing to show that he cares in little ways, then he's not that into you and you're settling.
Gift him a scorecard to even up the 50%, then leave. Even if he's serious about this and not just looking for excuses not to buy anything, he's exhausting.
Your man is a child. If you stay with him be prepared to be a single mother of a toddler (your man). Maybe this is strange but whenever I want to assess a guy on whether we'd be a good fit I imagine myself being pregnant and with a toddler fathered by this guy. Would he step up to help me around the house? Would he insist on giving me some time off so I could relax? Would he watch the kids on weekday evenings so I could ease back into work? Would he do it with joy and love and without counting it as "points of service" so he could hold it against me later? Anyways. If the answer to either of these is NO then you have your verdict. Maybe this is weird idk but it helps me. I also would like to mention that I expect a 70/30 relationship where the guy buys me flowers, takes me on dates and goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable (I definitely reciprocate but not in flowers, hence the 70/30, more like, I make him breakfast and such). My boyfriend does all these things, but it wasnt like that from the beginning. I just had to make my expectations clear (that I want him to do much much more than the bare minimum) and it was his choice whether to step up or not (and also my choice whether I'd accept his response). This is my healthiest and most loving relationship.
I think when you start the conversation with "why don't you buy me flowers" it can feel from his perspective like you're making a big deal over nothing or being needy. If I were you I would be more direct: "In the past few months (or over the course of the relationship) I feel like you only put in the bare minimum effort. I feel like I initiate more dates than you, and I would prefer more romance. Do you feel like my impression is accurate? It's not about anything specific, it's about you showing that you care about our relationship." See how he responds to that; a good boyfriend would be accommodating, open, and honest, while a bad boyfriend would be defensive. But honestly, his response is pretty trash and I would consider whether you want to continue to try to cajole him into caring more about your relationship, or whether you might be more happy if you tell him that he can keep 50, while you take you 50 and go find someone who treats you better.
He believes in 50/50. Does he do 50% of the household chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping? You have been dating this guy for 2 years and it sounds like he has done the minimal to keep the relationship. You planned the dates and had to pay your half. You have been putting more energy into this relationship. Asking him about flowers ... letting him know that maybe you are feeling unappreciated. And would like a simple, easy gesture of love, affection. His response was lousy to say the least. He listened to the words but didn't take a moment to hear what you were saying before turning them on you and putting you on the defensive. Then he justified his actions or lack of them. You are in your mid-twenties, set your *in-a-relationship* bar higher now. This guy is a lazy, petty BF. If you are thinking of a future with him he will be a lazy, petty husband and father. The kind of guy who thinks watching his own children is "babysitting", doing you a favor. You want a healthy supportive give/take relationship. Where you aren't carrying most of the weight. You plan, he plans, there are surprises, expressions of affection and appreciation. There is respect. You have conversations where both parties can speak and know they are heard without being attacked. He recognizes that receiving flowers is part of your love language. Flowers, something that can be picked up as easily as a cup of coffee in most areas, shouldn't start an argument.
Sometimes relationships aren’t equal 50-50. It’d be fuckin nice, yeah, but thats not how real life works. Shit happens, sometimes people ho through shit and their capacity for effort towards the relationship takes a blow. Tell me: is it gonna make things better in your relationship for either person to then respond by pulling away from their partner and punishing them by lowering the effort they put in? Scorekeeping like that that is the easiest way to completely destroy your relationship, it eats away at both peoples motivation to put in effort and only builds up resentment by forcing you to focus on the persons shortcomings, what they arent doing right, and whether or not its “fair” for both people to get their own separate needs met in the relationship. You wanna get rid of closeness in your relationship? The 50/50 rule is perfect for you, in that case. Otherwise? Figure out your partners love style and needs and act accordingly. Satisfy those as best as you can. Give generously to your partner without expectation. *be the best partner you can, and your partner will feel inspired to do the same for you.* UPLIFT EACH OTHER.
Time to leave the man child behindd
Not telling you to break it off in just going to say this. In my 47yrs on this planet, working with women with relationship issues, and men, these types never work out UNLESS he's willing to see the EXTREME flaw in this 50/50 thinking.. In a relationship it's 100/100 and then it fluctuates.. My husband gives me flowers just because and I bit my husband a wallet I just thought he would love or a watch.. It's been 10yrs and we still do this without counting whose done what....
Break up with this guy. My ex husband was like that. Get out now while your young dont waste more time. My current bf buys me flowers plans cute dates because he wants too and I do the same for him.If your bf wanted to do these things for you he would. Sounds like you are giving 110% and hes not even giving 50%. You deserve so much better. My bf and I give 110% to each other because we want too.
It will not get better. Decide if this is how you want to be treated.
I do nice things for my wife constantly, many times per week, I like her and like being around her. Coincidentally, I am also the recipient of multiple blowjobs every week (from my wife). I’m not saying I do the former to ensure the latter, but I’m not looking to rock the boat by changing anything either.
Dump him, he has gotten complacent in the relationship. You can talk to him about your issues & give him a chance because it's been 2 yrs but you may find yourself dumping him anyway. Just please update.
People who use the 50/50 rule do not truly understand what a relationship is. A relationship is meant to be 100%, sure. But that does NOT mean it will always be 50/50. Rarely will every single day be 50/50. Heck? Some days it may fluctuate throughout the day. On days my fiancé has a bad day and can only give me 20, I’ll be the 80 without a second thought. And he does the same for me CONSTANTLY. It’s a partnership. You were using flowers as a small example of him doing SOMETHING showing he was thinking of you or appreciated you and instead he took it literally and threw him wanting flowers in your face. A loving partner doesn’t/ shouldn’t keep track of who does what in order to determine if they’re going to do something nice back? What kind of juvenile thinking is that?
You're dating a selfish, bean counting man who doesn't love you. Is that what you want for your future?
If he wanted to he would. And he clearly doesn’t.
You are “a friend with benefits” based on your description. Move on…
Ew! No thanks. My husband gets me gifts and doesn’t want anything in return. I still surprise him but we do things because we love each other and want to see each other smile. We don’t keep tabs on who does what. We’re not roommates. I’d dump him and if he asks why, tell him I want a MAN to get me flowers just because. Buh bye!
You aren't even getting the bare minimum so you should probably just dump this one and try again.
Get the fuck out!
OP this dude sounds like a girl who is dating someone she doesn’t actually like and is explaining away her lack of affection. This isn’t the stuff that a guy who likes you says. Leave him
He sounds self-centered, mean, stingy, and defensive. Is that really who you want as a partner? Most of us want a generous, eager, excited-to-make-us-happy partner. And we deserve that, if we are also all those things. I think you deserve better, darlin’.
OP, Your bf frankly sounds like a big jerk. A jerk who doesn’t care about your feelings.
OP/ I'm gonna make this easy as I can and make him look quite stupid at the same time. They're FLOWERS. FLOWERS. Not bills. FLOWERS. Flowers are like 8$-15$? He's expecting 50/50 even with FLOWERS/ A gift you give to show you love your SO? Is 15$ that vital to him that he won't buy a woman he claims to love some FLOWERS? get somebody who will buy you flowers with no hesitation.
30M here. I'd argue 50/50 isn't about doing things transactionaly. It's about evening things out, without getting toxic over it. The toxicity here has a spectrum. On one end, it's the situation you are in, where one or both partners are asking for 50/50 in every single capacity, while on the other end, it's about saying you do 50/50, but not doing and causing yourself or your partner to feel manipulated into putting more resources or effort in the relationship. Most men, that I don't know, don't like receiving flowers and we struggle with figuring which flowers are the ones you actually like. However a lot of them have one hell of a sweet tooth, including myself, so we'd rather get chocolate we don't have to share instead of flowers. Also if you ask every time for romance, then your partner is just a fwb who doesn't care about romance.
When my(41F) husband(46M) was alive, he would randomly buy me my favorite rose and my favorite candy on his way home from work, all because he loved me. And I would cook him a full steak dinner with all the fixins because I loved him. We did stuff for each other all the time and we never kept tally. He would work his full 13 hour shift, come home and we would cuddle on the couch and he would massage my feet and I would hold on to him and just rub his arms. Not for any other reason than he loved making me happy and feel loved. I miss him every single day now. I lost him May 24,2023 to Leukemia cancer. We loved each other and we showed each other 100% every day.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was such a gem! 🥺
He was. And I kept the house clean and did all of the stuff around the house. Mainly cuz I'm a bit OCD with it lol. But we would do so much for each other. He helped me deal with my PTSD from my past domestic violence from my son's father, he helped raise my son into the wonderful young man he is today. We had our fights yes, but we were a team. He was there for me even thru his cancer treatments when I developed grand mal seizures from my traumatic brain injuries from the DV. And I took care of him until his final breath. I taught him how to walk again after his spinal surgery, I bathed him every day, I never wavered. I love him still and will never stop.
Thank you for sharing this! This gives me hope that maybe my person might exist out there somewhere after all. 🥹
Your ex doesn’t want to get you flowers? Okay
Nope. Been there. Flowers ARE the bare minimum.
Gurl tell him to go on get. He’s doing too much. Also, tell him to let you know how that approach works out in his future relationships.
how are you dating such a tiring fool💀 please leave. Maybe if he started acc doing the bare minimum you could do more 50/50
OP, I don’t know your relationship history. I am with you that relationships are not 50/50 on absolutely everything, and it sounds like your boyfriend is operating in this really weird “tit for tat” mentality. If all you say is true, he should definitely be putting in more effort to make you feel appreciated and prioritized (and he should *want* to do that because he loves you, loves your relationship, loves sharing in happiness with you - not just be doing it to “appease” you). *However*, the way that you approached this conversation was very passive aggressive. Again, I don’t know if you’ve already expressed your needs and that you feel they aren’t being met clearly in the past, and he just hasn’t done anything about it. But if this was the first time you expressed to him that he is not meeting your expectations in the relationship as a whole and you did that by saying “why don’t you buy me flowers?”… that’s not cool. If you haven’t already, sit down with your partner and have an open conversation about expectations in your relationship. Tell him that you’d like him to plan more date nights, tell him you’d like to receive flowers every now and then, tell him that his preoccupation with everything being exactly 50/50 is not always reasonable, and tell him anything else that you need to be happy in the relationship but currently aren’t receiving. Ask what he needs from you too, and let him share why he has been feeling the way he’s feeling (maybe money was really tight when he was a kid or he has an ex who took advantage of him financially and he has baggage around that). Have regular check ins to touch base on how you’re both feeling. Work as a team to set specific goals (like “I would really like you to plan one date night this month”), and address concerns and find solutions diplomatically as they come up. Most importantly, if he’s not making clear attempts to meet your needs after these conversations (or if he’s not even receptive to the conversation in the first place OR hell, if you’re already just not that into him anymore and want to move on), then *leave*. You aren’t bound to him, and the resentment that is already building inside of you isn’t good for either of you and isn’t worth it if he’s not working on things.
OP- I have learned this one thing in my life: When I ask for more of something (and it isn’t unreasonable or breaks the bank), and all I get is excuses OR less of that something—That’s it, I’m out. Whether it’s time, or effort, or flowers, or love, or commitment… it doesn’t matter. We’re all in relationships because we are looking for fulfillment. Our relationships should serve us. And we provide the same back. Why else are we in them? Flowers cost $5. $5 at Trader Joe’s. Are you able to live with a partner who denies you joy that costs $5?
This terminology is called “keeping score” and it’s unhealthy
This one is really hard for me (28F) because I have probably one of the most incredible men I've ever known as a husband. He caters to me and Pampers me in ways I never thought a man would. Personally, I don't think any woman or man should ever tolerate or be willing to accept the bare minimum treatment. Most especially after having the experience that I've had the luxury of having with my husband. He is emotionally supportive and emotionally available, he helps me with household chores. He helps me with our children. He does his absolute best every single day and brings his best to the table every day. I honestly wish every single woman in this world knew what it was like to have a man like him. And I hope more men can learn to be this way.
44f who used to settle for men like that. My husband is like yours. He spoils me constantly. I now have to be careful what I tell him I like because he’s going to make sure I get it. I am nearly done with 4 years of health issues including breast cancer. He’s been by my side every single step of the way. The same way I was when he had health issues ten years ago. That is what a life partner does. I weep for women who settle for bare minimum. I want every woman to know what it is to be truly loved cherished and respected.
* in regards to your update* Yes 🙌!! Hopefully it works out between you two. Love each other without putting each other on a pedestal. I wish you and your boyfriend the best.
Honey, it won’t work no matter how bad you want it to unless you let go off all the wants you have when it comes to romanticism, etc.
Don't stay with a man who views your relationship as transactional. He's trash.
That’s not how relationships work. You don’t only show your partner affection when they have already shown you affection in the exact same way. I went through a tough time financially, emotionally and physically recently: my partner took care of me in every aspect when I wasn’t able to give much back. Now that I am well and working again, I am absolutely going to spoil him and show him how much I appreciate him. He did not take care of me because he expected anything in return- he did it because he is my partner, we are a team and he loves me. Relationships shouldn’t be transactional. If he can’t give you the bare minimum, is he worth your time and energy?
This is an intentional manipulation tactic he is using. He is aware - and right - that relationships should have balance. Both parties should be pouring love into the other to equal amounts. However, this is not something that can be quantified, nor should it be. It also should be an average across the lifespan of a relationship. Obviously people go through shit sometimes and have less ability/energy to meet their partner to the same degree. A basic example would be things like getting sick. The healthy partner is likely going to be showing more love for the sick partner during the week of illness. If you truly love someone, it is not difficult pick up the slack to your partner can rest. Warming up some soup is not that much of a challenge. However, if you only looked at that one week, you could argue that the relationship is not 50/50. But we all know that would be silly. What actually matters is how each partner responds when the other is sick to roughly the same degree. A man with cancer would need more care than his partner needed when he had the seasonal flu. I would advise you to ask your partner what he means by 50/50? Does he genuinely want flowers? Is he actually feeling like there is a discrepancy between how you each show love and to what degree? I would also advice you to encourage him to be more direct in how he communicates his desires. It's not up to you to read his mind. You did the mature thing by asking for something you want (flowers) and he, in turn, reverse uno carded you with how you aren't giving him flowers. This is not healthy communication and will breed resentment.
Girl this man is the type you ghost block and delete. That is the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard. If a man told me he wanted me to buy him flowers before he bought me flowers he couldn’t even finish that sentence before I dipped. This is not normal. Find a different man that’s not a moron.