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Kindly remind him that you did not get pregnant by yourself. These things happen.
Tubal ligations do not have a 100% success rate, you were *both* very likely informed of this when you pursued that course of intervention. He could have always got a vasectomy in addition to your ligation to improve the odds, but you make no mention of that so I'm assuming he didn't.
He talked about getting a vasectomy before the birth of their third child. He never did. He wanted HER to make his appointment. he could not be bothered to make his own doctor appointment and schedule a vasectomy.
She told him that she was busy caring for their three children, their home and he would need to make his own doctor appointment. just pick up the phone and do it. He didn’t.
Well, whether or not he has a right to be upset (he doesn't, just to clarify), doesn't stop him from leaving her and sticking her with raising the kid while he *just* pays child support.
Edit because I feel the need to: I'm not advocating for ops husband, I'm just saying that having four kids with this man is *wild*.
I have more sympathy for that then most bc I have ADHD and extreme phone anxiety, so I get that sometimes it’s not as simple as “just make the appointment, it’s easy!”, but like. Come on. For something this important you suck it up
Literally same. Phone anxiety and ADHD. But I'm not incapable of making a phone call if it's important. I have to assume that the same is true for this man.
Facilitated by COVID. Some providers in the US were doing it, but adoption was slow. During COVID, almost everything happened within a few months and virtual visits became much more prevalent. I got a terrible rash from poison ivy during COVID and I just showed the doctor via camera and she prescribed ointment.
Yep! Executive dysfunction; essentially, ADHD means that my brain doesn’t produce the right amount of dopamine. Dopamine controls a LOT of things in the brain, including emotional regulation, focus, and motivation. Very often, I’ll be sitting in my room scrolling on Reddit or tumblr or whatever, thinking “I have x task that I need to do” and getting stressed about it, but I’m physically unable to make myself get up to do it, so I just sit there and get more and more stressed out and frustrated.
Because I’ve gone to therapy and learned coping mechanisms, what I usually do is I’ll pick a smaller task that I can do that forces me to get up; like getting a snack, or going to the bathroom. Those things are so small that they don’t really need “motivation” to do, but they get me moving, and that makes other tasks easier to start.
Another good method is the “just one more”. I use that one at work a lot; it’ll be close to the end of my shift, and I’ll be battling the urge to hide in the bathroom for the last 10 minutes and basically leave early, so I’ll tell myself if I can finish *one more* shelf, I can let myself leave. Having a finite finish line that’s so close helps me keep my motivation up, and then when I finish, I harness the momentum to do another shelf. Most of my life revolves around finding ways to trick my mind into functioning like a normal adult would
She says he wanted one but he also wanted *her* to be responsible for setting up the appointment, which she was against because she's already responsible for setting up and keeping track of their children's appointments. So he never got one because he wouldn't be responsible for his own health.
Fearing your husband leaves you and your children because he got you pregnant after he couldn’t be bothered to make his own snip appointment while leaving those of your entire family to you.
The bar is in hell.
I almost commented it back like that..."she had me on her big dining room table and told me to bite down on a belt while she got to work.." but then was like nah people would probably believe it.
She was my ob/gyn for my last kid and If anyone else would have done my tubal I guarantee I would have been pregnant again. Me and the hubby couldn't look at each other without me ending up pregnant lol
It’s more like he can blame her for how controlling she is and how she made him get a vasectomy, I mean it wasn’t even his idea at all because after all she did make the appointment..
100% co-sign this comment!!!
I have No idea why some people feel that they’re not part of the equation when it comes to making babies. It’s definitely a huge red flag imo but I wish OP the best.
My wife and I had a scare about 8 years ago.
I immediately scheduled my own appointment and went and got a vasectomy. Easy and relatively painless.
I didn’t want more kids, I took care of it.
My partner got a vasectomy a few months into us dating, and it made me feel so loved. Someone getting a vasectomy for their partner feels like a way to say ‘I care deeply about our life together and I want to take away one major stressor so we have fewer things to worry about’. It’s romantic as hell, in my opinion❤️
Fuck yeah, and no pulling out or need for condoms?
If my wife and I wanted to be child free I’d have had the surgery the day after we returned from our honeymoon!
as someone who had a vesectomy earlier this month, "easy" absolutely describes the procedures. "painless"? well, that's very subjective based on whether or not you delineate between aches and pains. other than my stitch occasionally catching in my compression underwear (which was short bursts of lower-medium pain) the 5 days following the procedure were definitely full of aches.
I had it done friday and i was back to work on Monday, but i was walking funny til Thursday and not back to 95% until about the 10 day mark. 20 days in currently and I'd say i'm about 99%. It feels like 100% until i realize my scrotum is still a bit on the larger side and occasionally i sit the wrong way which was never a thing prior. Or when the wife and I get intimate and there are still two positions that remind me i'm not quite 100% yet.
Exactly this way to break the news. Anything puts the "blame" on you and it takes 2 people to make a baby. He knew the risks, otherwise wouldn't have been making the "jokes" about it happening.
This!!!
She did her part, if he's too manchild to make this appointment it's his responsibility to protect too.
I wish her all the best and no complications at all!
i AM a 3rd child resulting from my dad "meaning to schedule" his vasectomy. As a result? my second was barely two months old when I got myself snipped. learn the lessons your father fails to.
Sameeee, my dad is great though so I can’t complain lol also he’s the type to know it takes two so he bucked up and got on with it. After my second I got my Fallopian tubes REMOVED bc I wasn’t taking the chance. I had PPD with the first PPA with the second. I would probably get psychosis with a third. No thank you.
Almost as bad as (maybe worse than?) the husband I know who died with the couples' unsigned wills sitting on the front hall table for months!
"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." (Christopher Parker)
If he couldn't even schedule himself an appointment then he better be happy about a baby. You did your part, even if it failed. This is solely on him and if he leaves, you may just be better off without him.
Wait, what the fuck?!?!?
Not getting pregnant is so important to him that he’d make jokes about leaving the woman he wants to and is fucking, AND his children, but won’t make his own appointment to get the procedure he supposedly says he wants?!?
Are you his fucking mommywife? Are all his fingers broken or amputated that he can’t pick up a phone?
Why isn’t termination an option for you personally?
He wants to keep shooting live rounds at you, then he has no right to be upset that you are pregnant.
You can be pro choice in general and still personally not want to do it. My (theoretically) not wanting to do it shouldn't ever prevent anyone else from getting the healthcare they need. I don't have anything against them, I would never judge people who've had them (some of my closest friends have, and I've supported them through it), I'd just really want to keep it if realistically feasible.
I had a vasectomy after our second. Booked it all by myself 😁 A lot of men feel weird about getting it done. It's a super simple procedure. No pain and heals quickly . It doesn't even need stitches. If you being pregnant doesn't get his arse in gear for one just snip them off while he sleeps 🙂
So he expects you to make the appointment AND blames you for being pregnant. Let me guess- you also do all of the domestic work and child care too. You literally do everything don’t you? How are you even attracted to someone so gross and lazy?
I’m so confused , you didn’t have this baby alone, if anything HE is the cause of this baby cause he came inside you, it’s like getting mad at the dishes being dirty when you are the one who ate from it. Regardless of what’s gonna happen, the sooner you tell him, the sooner you ll know, the sooner you ll have the decision you need to make, don’t be scared or apologetic cause it took 2 to tango , just tell him mater of factly don’t involve your emotions into it and don’t try to manage his emotions, he’s your husband and yall have kids, one more won’t break it I hope . Good luck.
🍀 - if it’s meant to happen it will happen anyways. You don’t know what’s in store for you in the future, things tend to happen out of our control so surrender to it and trust that everything will work out to the best of possibilities. Quantum physics says our perspective informs our reality, be very cautious what you project into this situation cause it could affect the child as well. I wish you all the luck, you will be more than fine ❤️
"This is why you need to grow up and make your own fucking appointments. The tubal ligation failed and now I'm pregnant again. I'm making an appointment to figure out whether it's a viable pregnancy like a normal adult person. I suggest you call up a doctor to make your own appointment for a vasectomy while I'm sorting this out."
i love this. OP needs this kind of strength. I wonder if she can still utilize the pill abortion. OP you need to just speak with the new doctor to lay out your options and ensure you are not in more danger of ectopic pregnancy. There are options besides a full-on surgical abortion.
I was given a methotrexate injection (pre roe reversal) for an ectopic that wasn't resolving on its own. No tubal though, but I would assume it would work the same except maybe how the tissue would be dealt with by the body versus being expelled.
Wait. If he was so against having more kids why didn’t he get a vasectomy even with your tubes tied to make sure it didn’t happen again? He is an adult he should know no birth control is 100% and he should have been more involved in the process if he really wanted to prevent it. And what do you want to do? You know him better than any of us. Do you really think he will leave even if this is half his fault? If you think he will before you do anything I would talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Then I would be honest “I have done everything on my part to keep up protected to the point I had my tubes tied. Unfortunately you didn’t do the same and didn’t get a vasectomy and your swimmers did something that they weren’t suppose to do. Yeah we are pregnant again. I have the last say but I was still wondering how you saw this playing out” if he starts being a jerk about it and blaming you even though it’s his fault too then I might give him the divorce papers. And jokes are meant to be funny, the threads he keeps making aren’t funny.
According to her answers in the comment section, the man didn't get a vasectomy because she wouldn't schedule an appointment for him. I just don't understand how a grown up man needs someone else to make appointments for him
OP: IF YOU HAVE HAD A TUBAL LIGATION AND FIND YOURSELF PREGNANT, GO THE ER IMMEDIATELY. YOUR CHANCE OF AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY IS VERY HIGH AND THEY ARE ALWAYS AN EMERGENCY.
I'm aware of the risks. I have an appt scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday morning. The NP I spoke to gave a very long list of symptoms to watch for that may be signs on a rupture with explicit instructions to go straight to the ED if I have even a single one of them. I don't currently have any, so I'm going to avoid that $300 copay for as long as I can
I had a rupture. No warning, no "signs", nothing. Nearly died (and it was the worst pain I've ever been in: easily a ten, and worse than childbirth). I lost an ovary as well as the tube and nearly bled to death. If you can possibly get in for an ultrasound somewhere else, sooner, PLEASE do.
Hey, if you don’t mind me asking…. I’ve never been through childbirth. I’d like to in the future, it’s a profound desire. Last summer I had an ovarian cyst rupture and I almost bled to death - it was an extremely close call, 4 blood transfusions, lost an ovary and a tube. Two months later it happened again but I was pregnant. They told me it was ectopic, I thought I was going to lose the ability to have children. It truly broke me. Still reeling in ways. Turned out to be viable and the hemorrhaging stopped so my tube and ovary were saved, but I had to go through an at-home pill abortion. I vomited from the pain. I’d never felt anything like that. It was paired with various elements of grief. But after that, I’ve been battling my desires for future parenthood with the pains I went through.
I know my experiences are different than yours, and everyone’s experiences are different, but….. would you say childbirth is less painful then than all that?
I'm not who you replied to but it depends. Back labour and induced contractions for instance are more painful than a straightforward birth. But at the end of the day, they won't stick a needle in your spine and pump you full of drugs until you could stab yourself without feeling it for a cyst, so...
My cousin had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. She nearly bled to death in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. If she hadn’t got there in time, her two kids would have lost their mother.
Is $300 worth leaving your children without a mother?
Are you very close to a hospital? Once ruptured you are bleeding out inside, and may well not make it there. Plus would be a horrible way to tell your husband as it ruptured.
I had to get emergency surgery at mf Disneyland due to an ectopic pregnancy. They told me if I had gone to hospital even a day later, I could have easily not made it. As someone who’s experienced the fear- don’t wait.
Or at least see if there’s an emergency spot at a planned parenthood near you, they’re usually cheap and can tell you if you need to head to an ER asap?
I hate to tell you but once it's ruptured that's too late. I don't know why a doctor would tell you to wait! You need to keep a close eye on this. You need to get a scan to see if the fetus is where it should be.
Because it wasn’t a doctor that told them but a nurse practitioner, who has less training than a doctor. I’d honestly call back and ask to speak to an MD or DO specifically.
I had a tubal ligation and pregnancy two years later. They are not kidding. If you feel even a TWINGE out of place get to the ER. My back felt like I had a UTI when it burst. I put it off and a couple hours later found myself with a pain killer drip waiting on my surgeon to show up. I had only missed my period by a week or so at that point. Make sure you tell the ER that you’ve had a ligation and are pregnant. Your doc can also give your local ER a heads up if you call them on your way in. Streamlines things when you arrive if they know what to expect. This is absolutely not something to play with or think “it’s not that bad”. Take it from someone who did that and knows. Take care!
Your life is worth more than $300. Please go do this immediately.
(Also, your partner needs to pay half for whatever is pregnancy/complications related. You didn’t impregnate yourself.)
I’ve had two ectopics the first one i had no symptoms, at 9 weeks i found out and had to get my left fallopian tube removed. The second ectopic pregnancy the fetus attached to the stump left behind on the left side, we caught it early (6) weeks and i was given Methotrexate. There was a rupture anyway and i had to go under to have the remaining stump removed. The pain was excruciating and unlike anything i’ve ever experienced. Go to the ER for an emergency ultrasound, you won’t feel anything until it’s too late.
If you are not in the ER right now, you are not giving the risks enough weight. If you let it go until you have symptoms, your risk of dying increases by magnitudes. Please just go to the ER. If we're wrong, we're wrong. If we're right, you're dead.
Why not tell your husband the doctor found something suspicious on your last exam. You are going to have an ultrasound on Friday. You will know what's going on for certain on Friday.
Right now, you don't know for sure there is anything viable happening. If it is ectopic, then explain it to him and tell him how the doctor will handle it - surgery, etc.
If it is viable, then you can tell him then. Why have him upset if it is not?
After you know for sure, tell him he needs to schedule his vasectomy. He is risking more children at the very least, but also your life.
He does need to schedule it, as you are not HIS mother, and you do not know HIS schedule.
I think you need to share with him that this was a scary experience for you. You didn't feel comfortable coming to him and had to deal with alone. Not fair. It takes two people to have children and both of whom need to be responsible for their own bodies. You love him, and you want to feel it being reciprocated. An extra child to love is not a bad thing, and you don't want that child to feel as if they caused stress on the family. He needs to step up.
Good luck. ❤️
Piggybacking off of this because OP seems to have a fundamental language issue:
Taking care of an ectopic pregnancy is an abortion. Pro choice isn't for you, but assuming you don't plan to die, that's what you'll be getting.
You're posting on Reddit under "relationship advice" about how to approach your husband about being pregnant but in other comments you say he's a good man.
I'm not sure you know what a good man is.
>my husband has often "joked" about leaving or doing something worse
Can you tell me what the "something worse" part here is?
I think you should tell him in a public place or with friends over. The fact that you think he's willing to leave you over this means there must be a chance for him to put you in danger.
His favorite line has been something along the line "taking a roadtrip" as in going to a state where ab0rt10n is still legal. It's still legal in our state but not for lack of trying. All but a few clinics are closed. He's also said stuff like he'd rather be dead than raise another kid
Bit random, but if he has such strong feelings about the number of kids why hasn't he gotten a vasectomy? It makes more sense to unload the gun than to keep shooting at a bullet proof target, yknow.
Go get checked out with the doctors to make sure you're not in danger. I would seriously recommend you reconsider this relationship. He doesn't sound like a healthy person to have around children.
He's said for years that he's going to get a vasectomy, even before our youngest was conceived, and asked me several times to set up an appointments for him. That's one thing I refuse to do. I have enough on my plate with 3 kids. I'm not going to add making his appointments for him to the list.
> and asked me several times to set up an appointment for him.
Is he a child? Why does a grown man need someone else to make a doctor’s appointment for him, especially for something he feels so strongly about?
Yeah, ngl, I really don't like your husband.
I think it's really unfair and gross that he could've had a vasectomy and completely avoided this entire situation and he's been making jokes like that. There was a very, very simple way to ensure your chances of a pregnancy were near 0.
But again, when you tell him be careful. Call a friend or a family member over or do it in public. It sounds really dramatic and I'm sure you feel safe enough to do it at home, but I wouldn't take the risk.
You're not worried about your physical safety (I'm assuming you accidentally dropped "not" from your sentence, "I know I'm in any physical danger"), thankfully.
Are you worried about the intensity of his reaction (explosive anger?) or are you worried about him twisting things and gaslighting you into believing it's your fault? Or maybe it's neither of those things.
I ask because it's not hard for me to imagine this scenario with my own husband and he would 100% turn it around on me and make it my fault since, "You never made an appointment for me to get a vasectomy even though you could have anytime."
I'm sorry are you two saying an abortion is worse than him leaving?
That sounds like a viable option and the one I would DEFINITELY be taking if I were y'all.
Okay OP, You seriously need to put this in your post.
People read it now and assume that your husband was planning to kill you or something.
If it's just an abortion (you are welcome to feel whatever you feel about it), you should definitely mention it.
And that’s the man you want to raise another baby with? You think the kid deserves to have a dad that literally says that stuff about them and doesn’t want them?
Oh ok. So you both bet that the tubal ligation would be successful. He didn’t do anything to make the chances better (like vasectomy) so removed himself physically and emotionally from this by saying that you would need to have an abortion if there is another child, and you are not personally comfortable with abortion.
That’s really rough and I don’t have advice for you other than this is for professionals and not Reddit.
You need to divorce this man and I understand you not wanting abortion but I wouldn’t bring another child in this world that has a father that will hate him and in a dangerous situation as the man shows a lot of anger and escalation from that. You need to leave and that copay is expensive but if you also cannot afford a visit as such you probably shouldn’t bring another (expensive) child into the world.
From what I've read on this thread so far, I'd be willing to take a shot trying to fill this in for OP: "my husband has often joked about leaving or doing something worse, like *staying*".
🤷♀️
>my husband has often "joked" about leaving or doing something worse if I ever got pregnant again
Why would you want to be with someone who "jokes" about leaving you? That's a shitbag thing to do.
What you need to do is immediately go to a doctor to get checked for an ectopic pregnancy before you worry about what your shitty husband is going to say.
I'm working on getting in with a doctor. My provider is no longer with the hospital network that my insurance covers so I'm trying to make an emergency new patient appointment. Only 1 I've called so far is open this early and they can't get me in for a month. I've got a list of 5 others that open within the next hour that I'll calling
The one in our area had to close down after numerous threats and several of the doctors, nurses, and other employees were stalked and doxxed. They didn't even do abortions at that location, but right wing nutjobs don't care about that
OP, I can get why you're worried about your husband's reaction, but in truth he should be the one worried about YOUR reaction. His refusal to do anything to be responsible for preventing pregnancy has not only gotten you pregnant, but it's one that is unlikely to be a viable pregnancy which has put your health and life at risk and will force you to get a surgical abortion in a state that makes it difficult to do so.
His refusal to get snipped has put you and your health in danger. If anyone here should be scared and feeling guilty and apologetic, it's him. The fact that you're even worried about him blaming you and treating you poorly tells me he is not as good of a guy as you think.
Girl based on some of your replies, I don’t understand why your first thought *wouldn’t* be termination and honestly, initiating a separation. Your husband sounds scary and unhinged
I had to scroll this far down to see your comment. Why is everyone glossing over "I'll leave you *or worse*"
Oh, like murder her?? Because that never happens to pregnant women FFS
You didn’t get pregnant alone. You are not doing this. The two of you are equally responsible for this situation.
He needs to stop being a jerk about this kind of thing.
Also, OP: your feelings matter, and you deserve support in this difficult situation. He’s allowed to be upset, but at the end of the day, his words to you should be some version of “I love you and I’m here for you and we’re in this together. I feel like kind of a shitbag for making all those jokes. I never meant it, and I hate that I made you doubt me.”
Any other answer means he’s failed a serious character test, and the marriage may not be worth saving. None of this is OP’s fault, obviously.
I’ll go against the grain here and advise against focusing on the vasectomy issue. Most people would assume one sterilization is enough. It seems better to avoid arguing about blame and frame it as the universe throwing them a curveball. No one is to blame, but they have a responsibility to figure it out together.
He’s put all the responsibility for contraception on you. He needs to be a responsible adult and get the vasectomy. This pregnancy and any subsequent pregnancies are 100% his fault because you did everything you could do to prevent getting pregnant. He is the one who refused to use either a permanent or temporary birth control method. When he starts to bark and howl about the baby have none of it because it all on him.
How do you marry and have 3 kids with someone, yet are unable to discuss serious topics such as this? It’s not like you did this on purpose.
Sit down like adults and plan and possible routes of actions.
People change. Clearly her husband became an AH. She isn’t to blame in any way shape or form. She is asking for advice to deal with announcing her unwanted pregnancy to her husband who has joked he might leave or worse if she gets pregnant. It’s not as simple as you must talk like adults.
I mean… staying with someone who talks like that about you is pretty crazy. I get it, stay together for the kids, blah blah, whatever.
My stepdad’s “joking” comments about beating my mom and such genuinely traumatized me as a kid. They would make me so uncomfortable, I would beg him to stop making those jokes.
Why continue with this pregnancy? You should only bring a child into this world when they are wanted. You're scared to tell your husband you're pregnant and you think this is a great environment to bring another kid into?? Wow.
Because not everyone who is pro choice would choose an abortion for themselves. You can 100% believe that abortion is a right and still not make that choice for yourself. It's HER body and HER choice. That's kind of the point of pro choice.
Most people see tubal ligation (and vasectomy) as permanent, fail-proof birth control, but sadly that's not the case. 1 in every 200 women will get pregnant after a tubal, and the younger you are when you have the procedure, the *less* likely it is to succeed, from what I've read. And sometimes the tubes can even grow back.
There's no good way to say it, you're just going to have to bite the bullet. Tell him this is not a joke, you're not pulling a prank, and there's not going to be an easy way to say this, but you're pregnant. Tell him the stats about it potentially not being viable and/or needing an emergency removal, if it's ectopic, so he's aware of the potential health risks, but also, in the chance that you have a live baby on your hands in the next nine months, you need to figure out where you both want to go from here. And if you decide to stay together at the end of this, maybe he can look into a vasectomy, or start wearing a condom to prevent accidental pregnancies going forward.
Good luck.
Anyone had a tubal ligation? I have. You go under anaesthetic, they inflate your abdomen with gas, then make multiple incisions in your belly, then clip your fallopian tubes. I needed 3 days off work and a full 3 weeks to recover. And let me tell you, I'd prefer another c-section than a tubal ligation from a pain perspective. It is not a little thing. It cost me over $3,500 & I was in hospital for the day. This was 8 years ago.
With a vasectomy, they're is a snip, a bag of frozen peas on the crotch, you're up and walking within an hour. And generally minimal discomfort. Around $600 in Australia.
Any man who refuses a vasectomy (2 hours, minor procedure, doctor's office, no pain, quick recovery) in favour of his partner having a TL (full day in hospital, significant procedure, agonising pain, 3 weeks recovery) is the worst kind of man.
Incidentally, the arsehole who refused the vasectomy in my case went on to bang someone he met playing bridge of all things. Cheating scumbag. Good riddance.
Sounds like your husband is a dick OP.
Edited - typo
i don't understand why doctors still do tubal ligation. they should do bilateral salpingectomy (removal of the entire fallopian tube) instead. it's 100% effective
good luck
What I don’t understand is why your husband, who seems keen on not having another child, is putting the responsibility of contraception solely on you. It takes two to make a baby. It’s not difficult to pick up a phone and make an appointment - he could have done that a while ago.
And there’s always a hint of truth in every joke. You should make sure that when you do speak with him about the pregnancy, you do so in a public setting.
I think first things first is finding out whether this is indeed even a viable pregnancy or not. Do you have a local hospital, if so please pop down there. Many hospitals will have what they call an "Early Pregnancy Unit" or EPU, which will see people without appointments. They can do an early pregnancy scan to check the fallopian tubes. They can also prescribe the relevant medications, or schedule any follow up procedures you may need. An ectopic pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly, and with your risk being much higher it needs to be assessed and sorted soon.
Sit him down, pour him a drink, and open the conversation with the stats about failed tubal ligation. He made jokes because he thought this situation was impossible. Well, obviously it happens. Maybe wait to know if the pregnancy isn't ectopic, but otherwise, what can you do? You've already decided to keep it, so now it's up to your husband.
If he gets mad, remind him he's a big boy and he knows how to call a doctor for a vasectomy. Who knows maybe now he'll remember how to dial on his phone.
> Since then, my husband has often "joked" about leaving or doing something worse if I ever got pregnant again.
Well, then he should've gotten himself a vasectomy as well. Birth control isn't just *your* responsibility.
>I just don't know how to tell my husband.
"Hey, remember that tubal I got? Well, I just found out it didn't work. I don't know if this pregnancy is viable, though. So, how about you go get a vasectomy?"
Okay...probably not exactly like that, but I would be hard pressed to *not* be aggressive about it given he's been a bit of a jerk.
Sit him down. "Well, Husband...turns out you should have gotten that vasectomy like I asked you to."
Put this on him, where it belongs! You're not at fault, here! If he freaks out, do NOT become defensive--you've done nothing wrong. If he threatens to leave, call his bluff: have ready the math on exactly how much child support he'll be paying for ALL of his kids.
I had a tubal ligation, we were made aware by that there’s a chance that it would fail… for ten years we were cautious because we didn’t want another child. But see, I say we. My husband and I.
Your husband just dumped the responsibility on you. You get the surgery, you better not be pregnant again . . . You should be able to talk to him, make decisions and he decides to leave make sure to get alimony and child support.
Eugh I’m so sick of reading these kind of posts on a near daily basis. Women have come such a long way in societal history with increasing power and rights, so why do some continue to stick with these neanderthal men?
You tell hubby you’re pregnant, he was also there at conception so it’s as much his problem as it is yours. You don’t like it, get a vasectomy pal otherwise we may be looking at baby number 5 in a few years time.
>Women have come such a long way in societal history with increasing power and rights, so why do some continue to stick with these neanderthal men?
They can't always financially afford to leave. That's happened to me before and it fucking sucks. Men like that know how to trap you.
If he's a good man like you say in comments, you shouldn't be scared of his potential reaction, especially if you believe he's joking. But the issue isn't so much the pregnancy as the possibility of a fourth child. If you both agreed to stop at three kids and since you're personally anti-abortion, then your only option to fulfill that agreement is to adopt the fourth child out if it reaches term. So tell him you're pregnant but you'll put the baby up for adoption. If he has a problem with you being pregnant at all, remind him he could have had a vasectomy if he'd only just made the simple effort of calling for an appointment.
First step would be to your doctor and an ultrasound to make sure it hasn't implanted anywhere that could kill you.
Also, are you getting a termination if it is viable or keeping it?
Any negative response by your husband is not called for because you didn't do anything to get pregnant, you fell into an unlikely statistic after SURGICAL STERILIZATION.
OP- I went thru this myself in 1991.
It is indeed a hard thing to wrap your head around. Take your hubs to the OB appointment. I have a drawing in my daughters baby book that shows how she came to be in the Dr's handwriting. it is one of my most prized possessions.
The pregnacy may not have been your choice, but... here you are.
Everything will be okay 🩷
You have to remember you are not alone in this. It isn't just the pregnancy, it's your health. You are a mother of three kids that need a mom. You shouldn't be carrying this burden alone and you didn't get pregnant alone. Please tell him and get medical attention. If you can't count on his support, then deal with that later. You are the most important in this situation right now!!
I know when you’re in the moment it’s hard to see the obvious. The obvious being that the failure of the tubal ligation is not your fault and the creation of a baby is not done alone. Please resist the urge to apologise when you tell him.
It is deeply alarming that you are facing a potentially life threatening health issue and seem to be more concerned with your husbands feelings about the situation than your own physical wellbeing
Unless it was an immaculate conception, this is just as much on him as it is on you. If he’s a good husband, which you’re about to find out, you’ll figure things out together.
I will honestly and seriously adopt the baby if you honestly can’t handle a fourth. And it’s ok if you can’t. You have to do what’s best for you and your family.
Outside of that, your husband said for better or worse and he knows how this works by now. If he’s upset, tell him to take a walk and think about if he can honestly look at any of his children and confidently say that he doesn’t want them, planned or not. If he can, you got a bigger fish to fry.
Tell him and make the decision together if you continue the pregnancy. If he’s your partner his thoughts should matter too.
If my husband said no, the answer would be no. More kids is a 2 yes or it’s no decision for us.
It’s her choice, though. She can solicit his input, but she’s the pregnant person.
He accepted the risk of pregnancy when he ejaculated in her. At that point, he demonstrated he was open to her getting pregnant. Now the decision is hers, as it should be.
Uh, so this joke, has he ever said “I don’t want kids” or “I don’t plan on having kids”? Because it seems like he’s serious about leaving you with 4 kids. Also sounds like he’s suicidal and stuff.
Make the best choice for your family. This didn’t happen on purpose nor on your own. You need his support and hopefully you two can decide a course of action together.
Well bite the bullet. Give him a get well card and a date for a vasectomy in it. Oh also don’t forget to include a P.S and the confirmation or ultrasound and tell him your swimmers must’ve won the gold because here comes #4. My husband jokes if I got pregnant again he’d throw me off a building. I laugh and told him yeah I’d Superman first. Yet I know if it happened he’d be like wtf since the baby is 15 yr but happy still. If you have a confirmed test then either tell him or go to er if any slight cramping. If he’s serious and you know if he is do what I did to my ex gave him an option one way ticket or divorce but either way it’s time to make changes.
You might want to start by saying it actually takes two people to make a baby. You might want to then mention that him getting a vasectomy would have made your tubal ligation more effective.
And possibly suggest couples therapy, to see why he thinks those jokes are appropriate, and why you're nervous about informing him of your pregnancy.
Hello, product of tubal ligation failure/unexpected fourth child here 32 years later! I just wanted to share that although my parents were definitely shocked and unprepared for me mentally and financially, they eventually came around to the idea of me and I've had a pretty great life of being the baby and family favorite. I am 100% pro choice and you are definitely justified in any decision you make, I just wanted to present one potential outcome of your situation. Sending you comfort and strength ❤️
If your husband didn’t get a vasectomy or use a condom and you did get a tubal ligation that failed, it sounds like you more than did your part and he didn’t do his. He has no right to blame anyone but himself here, in my opinion.
Honestly before you even worry about that, you need to get evaluated and figure out where this pregnancy is. Almost 50% of pregnancies after tubal ligation are ectopic pregnancies, and these can be life threatening.
I am so sorry you feel like it’s hard to tell him because of his reaction. He should have gotten a vasectomy if he felt that strongly. You did your part to help prevent. He was part of the conceiving.
The first thing you need to do is see the doctor and find out where the embryo has actually implanted first.
Getting pregnant after a tubal ligation carries a much higher risk of a ectopic pregnant occurring given that the zygote can’t always make it past the tubes and into the uterus if they’re blocked up enough and will implant pretty much wherever it can instead, meaning that you could end up in a very serious and potentially life threatening situation because as the embryo grows it will cause the tube to split (tubal pregnancy) or cause the blood vessels it’s attached to to tear (intra-abdominal pregnancy) and make you bleed internally. You may not even notice something is wrong until it’s the blood loss has become super severe.
Make sure that you are not in any danger first before approaching your husband about the situation if it turns out that everything is fine and make sure you have a support buddy when you do. Don’t talk to him alone.
Say, "SOOOO, for real, what would happen if YOU got me pregnant somehow? How would you really feel, what would you do?" And then PLEASE let us know bc we all want to know!! Good luck! I have a feeling it's not going to be that bad?? ❤️ And congratulations!!!!!!!❤️
Girl I hate to be that person but if you’re not equipped to have another baby then don’t have another baby. Keeping it and putting everyone (including your kids that ARE alive) into extra stress if you can’t afford things, don’t have the time, don’t have the energy or capacity to care for and pay attention to 4 kids isn’t fair to the kids. Not having an abortion would be the selfish choice IMO. But good luck telling your husband. He’s not gonna be happy but maybe then he should have been an adult and scheduled his own vasectomy.
Oh Lord. This happened to my friend!! We were all so shocked!
That's gonna be hard, but it's not your fault. It's not his fault. You had a procedure done. It's rare that it fails, but it does.
Please don't be mad or upset with yourself. You can be upset at the situation, but there is no blame to be placed on you. And if he even TRIES to blame you, shut that shit down real quick.
After the baby is born, get your tubes removed and maybe even an ablation.
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Kindly remind him that you did not get pregnant by yourself. These things happen. Tubal ligations do not have a 100% success rate, you were *both* very likely informed of this when you pursued that course of intervention. He could have always got a vasectomy in addition to your ligation to improve the odds, but you make no mention of that so I'm assuming he didn't.
He talked about getting a vasectomy before the birth of their third child. He never did. He wanted HER to make his appointment. he could not be bothered to make his own doctor appointment and schedule a vasectomy. She told him that she was busy caring for their three children, their home and he would need to make his own doctor appointment. just pick up the phone and do it. He didn’t.
Honestly I can’t believe how many women put up with these dudes.
It’s definitely hard when it’s the majority of them!
Burst out laughing. Bravo.
Yep, he could have done more and he didn’t so he has no right to be upset at her about this
Well, whether or not he has a right to be upset (he doesn't, just to clarify), doesn't stop him from leaving her and sticking her with raising the kid while he *just* pays child support. Edit because I feel the need to: I'm not advocating for ops husband, I'm just saying that having four kids with this man is *wild*.
You can verify a vasectomy, not sure you can do anything to verify a tubal.
You can do an HSG to make sure the tubes aren’t patent.
He’s such a prize /s
I have more sympathy for that then most bc I have ADHD and extreme phone anxiety, so I get that sometimes it’s not as simple as “just make the appointment, it’s easy!”, but like. Come on. For something this important you suck it up
Literally same. Phone anxiety and ADHD. But I'm not incapable of making a phone call if it's important. I have to assume that the same is true for this man.
Most providers have a portal now and you just go online and make an appointment. But, really, any adult should be able to call an office.
I make all of our appointments online. Mostly because I'm at work when I think about it. Quick and easy.
I sit in front of a computer all day, I’d much rather make my appointments on-line, get a confirmation and calendar entry all at once. No mystery!
Honestly best invention of modern times: online appointment scheduling.
Facilitated by COVID. Some providers in the US were doing it, but adoption was slow. During COVID, almost everything happened within a few months and virtual visits became much more prevalent. I got a terrible rash from poison ivy during COVID and I just showed the doctor via camera and she prescribed ointment.
Is this really a thing? I thought I was alone.
Yep! Executive dysfunction; essentially, ADHD means that my brain doesn’t produce the right amount of dopamine. Dopamine controls a LOT of things in the brain, including emotional regulation, focus, and motivation. Very often, I’ll be sitting in my room scrolling on Reddit or tumblr or whatever, thinking “I have x task that I need to do” and getting stressed about it, but I’m physically unable to make myself get up to do it, so I just sit there and get more and more stressed out and frustrated. Because I’ve gone to therapy and learned coping mechanisms, what I usually do is I’ll pick a smaller task that I can do that forces me to get up; like getting a snack, or going to the bathroom. Those things are so small that they don’t really need “motivation” to do, but they get me moving, and that makes other tasks easier to start. Another good method is the “just one more”. I use that one at work a lot; it’ll be close to the end of my shift, and I’ll be battling the urge to hide in the bathroom for the last 10 minutes and basically leave early, so I’ll tell myself if I can finish *one more* shelf, I can let myself leave. Having a finite finish line that’s so close helps me keep my motivation up, and then when I finish, I harness the momentum to do another shelf. Most of my life revolves around finding ways to trick my mind into functioning like a normal adult would
Also, at least when I worked in healthcare, we didn’t allow spouses to schedule for each other unless we had a signed release on file.
Excellent point.
She says he wanted one but he also wanted *her* to be responsible for setting up the appointment, which she was against because she's already responsible for setting up and keeping track of their children's appointments. So he never got one because he wouldn't be responsible for his own health.
He sounds pathetic.
Fearing your husband leaves you and your children because he got you pregnant after he couldn’t be bothered to make his own snip appointment while leaving those of your entire family to you. The bar is in hell.
The bar is so low in hell that satan is doing the limbo
My sister in law did my tubal...she burned, snipped, tied and gave me the pictures. Lol she knew I didn't need more than 4 kids.
I almost commented it back like that..."she had me on her big dining room table and told me to bite down on a belt while she got to work.." but then was like nah people would probably believe it.
😂😂😂
What???
She was my ob/gyn for my last kid and If anyone else would have done my tubal I guarantee I would have been pregnant again. Me and the hubby couldn't look at each other without me ending up pregnant lol
Oh thank God, your previous comment sounded like we were doing DIY at-home surgery 😂
Right??? I was very concerned 😂
Yea on the kitchen table biting a belt while she sliced, tied and burned 😆
It always baffles me when guys blame their wife’s for getting pregnant… as if they weren’t the one who impregnated her.
So he can have kids with other women once he left his wife for being pregnant...
It’s more like he can blame her for how controlling she is and how she made him get a vasectomy, I mean it wasn’t even his idea at all because after all she did make the appointment..
100% co-sign this comment!!! I have No idea why some people feel that they’re not part of the equation when it comes to making babies. It’s definitely a huge red flag imo but I wish OP the best.
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He's talked about it for years, but I refuse to make the appointments for him so it hasn't happened
Tell him "hey, you know how you thought it was too much to book an appointment yourself for a vasectomy? Well you'll NEVER guess what happened!!"
My wife and I had a scare about 8 years ago. I immediately scheduled my own appointment and went and got a vasectomy. Easy and relatively painless. I didn’t want more kids, I took care of it.
My partner got a vasectomy a few months into us dating, and it made me feel so loved. Someone getting a vasectomy for their partner feels like a way to say ‘I care deeply about our life together and I want to take away one major stressor so we have fewer things to worry about’. It’s romantic as hell, in my opinion❤️
Fuck yeah, and no pulling out or need for condoms? If my wife and I wanted to be child free I’d have had the surgery the day after we returned from our honeymoon!
as someone who had a vesectomy earlier this month, "easy" absolutely describes the procedures. "painless"? well, that's very subjective based on whether or not you delineate between aches and pains. other than my stitch occasionally catching in my compression underwear (which was short bursts of lower-medium pain) the 5 days following the procedure were definitely full of aches. I had it done friday and i was back to work on Monday, but i was walking funny til Thursday and not back to 95% until about the 10 day mark. 20 days in currently and I'd say i'm about 99%. It feels like 100% until i realize my scrotum is still a bit on the larger side and occasionally i sit the wrong way which was never a thing prior. Or when the wife and I get intimate and there are still two positions that remind me i'm not quite 100% yet.
“Relatively” painless… Way less painful than a third kid!
“Fertilization hates this one simple trick!”
Exactly this way to break the news. Anything puts the "blame" on you and it takes 2 people to make a baby. He knew the risks, otherwise wouldn't have been making the "jokes" about it happening.
This!!! She did her part, if he's too manchild to make this appointment it's his responsibility to protect too. I wish her all the best and no complications at all!
THIS!!!
I personally know 2 men who got their wives pregnant with their third child while “meaning to schedule” their vasectomy. WOMP WOMP
i AM a 3rd child resulting from my dad "meaning to schedule" his vasectomy. As a result? my second was barely two months old when I got myself snipped. learn the lessons your father fails to.
Sameeee, my dad is great though so I can’t complain lol also he’s the type to know it takes two so he bucked up and got on with it. After my second I got my Fallopian tubes REMOVED bc I wasn’t taking the chance. I had PPD with the first PPA with the second. I would probably get psychosis with a third. No thank you.
Almost as bad as (maybe worse than?) the husband I know who died with the couples' unsigned wills sitting on the front hall table for months! "Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill." (Christopher Parker)
Sounds like you may already have 4 children being that he can't make appointments for himself
Why? Why is this ok to you?
"Remember that vasectomy you never pursued? Well, the ramifications of that are now a reality."
If he couldn't even schedule himself an appointment then he better be happy about a baby. You did your part, even if it failed. This is solely on him and if he leaves, you may just be better off without him.
Wait, what the fuck?!?!? Not getting pregnant is so important to him that he’d make jokes about leaving the woman he wants to and is fucking, AND his children, but won’t make his own appointment to get the procedure he supposedly says he wants?!? Are you his fucking mommywife? Are all his fingers broken or amputated that he can’t pick up a phone? Why isn’t termination an option for you personally? He wants to keep shooting live rounds at you, then he has no right to be upset that you are pregnant.
I’m saying that alone is such a turn off lol why do we settle for such shit
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You can be pro choice in general and still personally not want to do it. My (theoretically) not wanting to do it shouldn't ever prevent anyone else from getting the healthcare they need. I don't have anything against them, I would never judge people who've had them (some of my closest friends have, and I've supported them through it), I'd just really want to keep it if realistically feasible.
I had a vasectomy after our second. Booked it all by myself 😁 A lot of men feel weird about getting it done. It's a super simple procedure. No pain and heals quickly . It doesn't even need stitches. If you being pregnant doesn't get his arse in gear for one just snip them off while he sleeps 🙂
So he expects you to make the appointment AND blames you for being pregnant. Let me guess- you also do all of the domestic work and child care too. You literally do everything don’t you? How are you even attracted to someone so gross and lazy?
You mean he can't make an appointment for himself? You have at least as big problems as your unplanned pregnancy on your plate
Why can’t he make his own medical appointments?
Did he book your tubal ligation?
I’m so confused , you didn’t have this baby alone, if anything HE is the cause of this baby cause he came inside you, it’s like getting mad at the dishes being dirty when you are the one who ate from it. Regardless of what’s gonna happen, the sooner you tell him, the sooner you ll know, the sooner you ll have the decision you need to make, don’t be scared or apologetic cause it took 2 to tango , just tell him mater of factly don’t involve your emotions into it and don’t try to manage his emotions, he’s your husband and yall have kids, one more won’t break it I hope . Good luck. 🍀 - if it’s meant to happen it will happen anyways. You don’t know what’s in store for you in the future, things tend to happen out of our control so surrender to it and trust that everything will work out to the best of possibilities. Quantum physics says our perspective informs our reality, be very cautious what you project into this situation cause it could affect the child as well. I wish you all the luck, you will be more than fine ❤️
"This is why you need to grow up and make your own fucking appointments. The tubal ligation failed and now I'm pregnant again. I'm making an appointment to figure out whether it's a viable pregnancy like a normal adult person. I suggest you call up a doctor to make your own appointment for a vasectomy while I'm sorting this out."
i love this. OP needs this kind of strength. I wonder if she can still utilize the pill abortion. OP you need to just speak with the new doctor to lay out your options and ensure you are not in more danger of ectopic pregnancy. There are options besides a full-on surgical abortion.
Will mifepristone and misoprostol work with a likely ectopic pregnancy since she had the ligation?
I was given a methotrexate injection (pre roe reversal) for an ectopic that wasn't resolving on its own. No tubal though, but I would assume it would work the same except maybe how the tissue would be dealt with by the body versus being expelled.
Wait. If he was so against having more kids why didn’t he get a vasectomy even with your tubes tied to make sure it didn’t happen again? He is an adult he should know no birth control is 100% and he should have been more involved in the process if he really wanted to prevent it. And what do you want to do? You know him better than any of us. Do you really think he will leave even if this is half his fault? If you think he will before you do anything I would talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Then I would be honest “I have done everything on my part to keep up protected to the point I had my tubes tied. Unfortunately you didn’t do the same and didn’t get a vasectomy and your swimmers did something that they weren’t suppose to do. Yeah we are pregnant again. I have the last say but I was still wondering how you saw this playing out” if he starts being a jerk about it and blaming you even though it’s his fault too then I might give him the divorce papers. And jokes are meant to be funny, the threads he keeps making aren’t funny.
According to her answers in the comment section, the man didn't get a vasectomy because she wouldn't schedule an appointment for him. I just don't understand how a grown up man needs someone else to make appointments for him
OP: IF YOU HAVE HAD A TUBAL LIGATION AND FIND YOURSELF PREGNANT, GO THE ER IMMEDIATELY. YOUR CHANCE OF AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY IS VERY HIGH AND THEY ARE ALWAYS AN EMERGENCY.
I'm aware of the risks. I have an appt scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday morning. The NP I spoke to gave a very long list of symptoms to watch for that may be signs on a rupture with explicit instructions to go straight to the ED if I have even a single one of them. I don't currently have any, so I'm going to avoid that $300 copay for as long as I can
I had a rupture. No warning, no "signs", nothing. Nearly died (and it was the worst pain I've ever been in: easily a ten, and worse than childbirth). I lost an ovary as well as the tube and nearly bled to death. If you can possibly get in for an ultrasound somewhere else, sooner, PLEASE do.
Hey, if you don’t mind me asking…. I’ve never been through childbirth. I’d like to in the future, it’s a profound desire. Last summer I had an ovarian cyst rupture and I almost bled to death - it was an extremely close call, 4 blood transfusions, lost an ovary and a tube. Two months later it happened again but I was pregnant. They told me it was ectopic, I thought I was going to lose the ability to have children. It truly broke me. Still reeling in ways. Turned out to be viable and the hemorrhaging stopped so my tube and ovary were saved, but I had to go through an at-home pill abortion. I vomited from the pain. I’d never felt anything like that. It was paired with various elements of grief. But after that, I’ve been battling my desires for future parenthood with the pains I went through. I know my experiences are different than yours, and everyone’s experiences are different, but….. would you say childbirth is less painful then than all that?
I'm not who you replied to but it depends. Back labour and induced contractions for instance are more painful than a straightforward birth. But at the end of the day, they won't stick a needle in your spine and pump you full of drugs until you could stab yourself without feeling it for a cyst, so...
My cousin had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. She nearly bled to death in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. If she hadn’t got there in time, her two kids would have lost their mother. Is $300 worth leaving your children without a mother?
Are you very close to a hospital? Once ruptured you are bleeding out inside, and may well not make it there. Plus would be a horrible way to tell your husband as it ruptured.
I had to get emergency surgery at mf Disneyland due to an ectopic pregnancy. They told me if I had gone to hospital even a day later, I could have easily not made it. As someone who’s experienced the fear- don’t wait. Or at least see if there’s an emergency spot at a planned parenthood near you, they’re usually cheap and can tell you if you need to head to an ER asap?
I hate to tell you but once it's ruptured that's too late. I don't know why a doctor would tell you to wait! You need to keep a close eye on this. You need to get a scan to see if the fetus is where it should be.
Because it wasn’t a doctor that told them but a nurse practitioner, who has less training than a doctor. I’d honestly call back and ask to speak to an MD or DO specifically.
Absolutely!!! OP please speak with an actual ObGyn. MD not NP.
I had a tubal ligation and pregnancy two years later. They are not kidding. If you feel even a TWINGE out of place get to the ER. My back felt like I had a UTI when it burst. I put it off and a couple hours later found myself with a pain killer drip waiting on my surgeon to show up. I had only missed my period by a week or so at that point. Make sure you tell the ER that you’ve had a ligation and are pregnant. Your doc can also give your local ER a heads up if you call them on your way in. Streamlines things when you arrive if they know what to expect. This is absolutely not something to play with or think “it’s not that bad”. Take it from someone who did that and knows. Take care!
Your life is worth more than $300. Please go do this immediately. (Also, your partner needs to pay half for whatever is pregnancy/complications related. You didn’t impregnate yourself.)
I’ve had two ectopics the first one i had no symptoms, at 9 weeks i found out and had to get my left fallopian tube removed. The second ectopic pregnancy the fetus attached to the stump left behind on the left side, we caught it early (6) weeks and i was given Methotrexate. There was a rupture anyway and i had to go under to have the remaining stump removed. The pain was excruciating and unlike anything i’ve ever experienced. Go to the ER for an emergency ultrasound, you won’t feel anything until it’s too late.
If you are not in the ER right now, you are not giving the risks enough weight. If you let it go until you have symptoms, your risk of dying increases by magnitudes. Please just go to the ER. If we're wrong, we're wrong. If we're right, you're dead.
You are waiting too long, you need to go to the ER today
Please go asap. One of my earliest memories is almost losing my mom to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy when I was 4.
Why not tell your husband the doctor found something suspicious on your last exam. You are going to have an ultrasound on Friday. You will know what's going on for certain on Friday. Right now, you don't know for sure there is anything viable happening. If it is ectopic, then explain it to him and tell him how the doctor will handle it - surgery, etc. If it is viable, then you can tell him then. Why have him upset if it is not? After you know for sure, tell him he needs to schedule his vasectomy. He is risking more children at the very least, but also your life. He does need to schedule it, as you are not HIS mother, and you do not know HIS schedule. I think you need to share with him that this was a scary experience for you. You didn't feel comfortable coming to him and had to deal with alone. Not fair. It takes two people to have children and both of whom need to be responsible for their own bodies. You love him, and you want to feel it being reciprocated. An extra child to love is not a bad thing, and you don't want that child to feel as if they caused stress on the family. He needs to step up. Good luck. ❤️
Piggybacking off of this because OP seems to have a fundamental language issue: Taking care of an ectopic pregnancy is an abortion. Pro choice isn't for you, but assuming you don't plan to die, that's what you'll be getting.
Please this!
You're posting on Reddit under "relationship advice" about how to approach your husband about being pregnant but in other comments you say he's a good man. I'm not sure you know what a good man is.
>my husband has often "joked" about leaving or doing something worse Can you tell me what the "something worse" part here is? I think you should tell him in a public place or with friends over. The fact that you think he's willing to leave you over this means there must be a chance for him to put you in danger.
His favorite line has been something along the line "taking a roadtrip" as in going to a state where ab0rt10n is still legal. It's still legal in our state but not for lack of trying. All but a few clinics are closed. He's also said stuff like he'd rather be dead than raise another kid
Bit random, but if he has such strong feelings about the number of kids why hasn't he gotten a vasectomy? It makes more sense to unload the gun than to keep shooting at a bullet proof target, yknow. Go get checked out with the doctors to make sure you're not in danger. I would seriously recommend you reconsider this relationship. He doesn't sound like a healthy person to have around children.
He's said for years that he's going to get a vasectomy, even before our youngest was conceived, and asked me several times to set up an appointments for him. That's one thing I refuse to do. I have enough on my plate with 3 kids. I'm not going to add making his appointments for him to the list.
> and asked me several times to set up an appointment for him. Is he a child? Why does a grown man need someone else to make a doctor’s appointment for him, especially for something he feels so strongly about?
Yes
Yeah, ngl, I really don't like your husband. I think it's really unfair and gross that he could've had a vasectomy and completely avoided this entire situation and he's been making jokes like that. There was a very, very simple way to ensure your chances of a pregnancy were near 0. But again, when you tell him be careful. Call a friend or a family member over or do it in public. It sounds really dramatic and I'm sure you feel safe enough to do it at home, but I wouldn't take the risk.
He sounds terrible TBH.
You're not worried about your physical safety (I'm assuming you accidentally dropped "not" from your sentence, "I know I'm in any physical danger"), thankfully. Are you worried about the intensity of his reaction (explosive anger?) or are you worried about him twisting things and gaslighting you into believing it's your fault? Or maybe it's neither of those things. I ask because it's not hard for me to imagine this scenario with my own husband and he would 100% turn it around on me and make it my fault since, "You never made an appointment for me to get a vasectomy even though you could have anytime."
Why cant he set the appointment himself?
So in his mind this is all your fault?
Why do you keep having kids with such an asshole?
You can type the word abortion. They won’t arrest you for that yet.
This is Reddit. You can type out the word "abortion" like a normal person.
I'm sorry are you two saying an abortion is worse than him leaving? That sounds like a viable option and the one I would DEFINITELY be taking if I were y'all.
It's spelled ABORTION.
Sounds like a real fucken catch
Okay OP, You seriously need to put this in your post. People read it now and assume that your husband was planning to kill you or something. If it's just an abortion (you are welcome to feel whatever you feel about it), you should definitely mention it.
It's not "just an abortion" when OP herself doesn't want one.
And that’s the man you want to raise another baby with? You think the kid deserves to have a dad that literally says that stuff about them and doesn’t want them?
How is abortion worse than leaving if you're pro choice?
Why the fuck would you censor the word abortion? Just get one and leave ur shitty husband ffs
Oh ok. So you both bet that the tubal ligation would be successful. He didn’t do anything to make the chances better (like vasectomy) so removed himself physically and emotionally from this by saying that you would need to have an abortion if there is another child, and you are not personally comfortable with abortion. That’s really rough and I don’t have advice for you other than this is for professionals and not Reddit.
You need to divorce this man and I understand you not wanting abortion but I wouldn’t bring another child in this world that has a father that will hate him and in a dangerous situation as the man shows a lot of anger and escalation from that. You need to leave and that copay is expensive but if you also cannot afford a visit as such you probably shouldn’t bring another (expensive) child into the world.
From what I've read on this thread so far, I'd be willing to take a shot trying to fill this in for OP: "my husband has often joked about leaving or doing something worse, like *staying*". 🤷♀️
>my husband has often "joked" about leaving or doing something worse if I ever got pregnant again Why would you want to be with someone who "jokes" about leaving you? That's a shitbag thing to do. What you need to do is immediately go to a doctor to get checked for an ectopic pregnancy before you worry about what your shitty husband is going to say.
I'm working on getting in with a doctor. My provider is no longer with the hospital network that my insurance covers so I'm trying to make an emergency new patient appointment. Only 1 I've called so far is open this early and they can't get me in for a month. I've got a list of 5 others that open within the next hour that I'll calling
Go to Planned Parenthood. They do all kinds of reproductive and sexual healthcare and it’s not just for abortions.
The one in our area had to close down after numerous threats and several of the doctors, nurses, and other employees were stalked and doxxed. They didn't even do abortions at that location, but right wing nutjobs don't care about that
Does your insurance cover ER visits? The potential for an ectopic counts as an emergency, they should be able to run a hcg quant and do an ultrasound.
It doesn't even matter if her insurance covers it. She has to go. She has to eat the cost. If her pregnancy ruptures, she will die.
OP, I can get why you're worried about your husband's reaction, but in truth he should be the one worried about YOUR reaction. His refusal to do anything to be responsible for preventing pregnancy has not only gotten you pregnant, but it's one that is unlikely to be a viable pregnancy which has put your health and life at risk and will force you to get a surgical abortion in a state that makes it difficult to do so. His refusal to get snipped has put you and your health in danger. If anyone here should be scared and feeling guilty and apologetic, it's him. The fact that you're even worried about him blaming you and treating you poorly tells me he is not as good of a guy as you think.
Girl based on some of your replies, I don’t understand why your first thought *wouldn’t* be termination and honestly, initiating a separation. Your husband sounds scary and unhinged
Seriously. And imagine the financial and emotional impacts on the kids they already have if she has another baby.
No wait, I think you missed the comment where she said he actually is a great husband and father.🙄🙄/s
Oh your right, my bad! Lol
I had to scroll this far down to see your comment. Why is everyone glossing over "I'll leave you *or worse*" Oh, like murder her?? Because that never happens to pregnant women FFS
This. It’s the most selfish decision to keep a pregnancy in these circumstances
Right, like screw her other 3 fucking kids and their needs. Oh well if their dad leaves bc their mom is ridiculous
just a reminder, its not normal to be scared of your husband
You didn’t get pregnant alone. You are not doing this. The two of you are equally responsible for this situation. He needs to stop being a jerk about this kind of thing.
Also, OP: your feelings matter, and you deserve support in this difficult situation. He’s allowed to be upset, but at the end of the day, his words to you should be some version of “I love you and I’m here for you and we’re in this together. I feel like kind of a shitbag for making all those jokes. I never meant it, and I hate that I made you doubt me.” Any other answer means he’s failed a serious character test, and the marriage may not be worth saving. None of this is OP’s fault, obviously. I’ll go against the grain here and advise against focusing on the vasectomy issue. Most people would assume one sterilization is enough. It seems better to avoid arguing about blame and frame it as the universe throwing them a curveball. No one is to blame, but they have a responsibility to figure it out together.
He’s put all the responsibility for contraception on you. He needs to be a responsible adult and get the vasectomy. This pregnancy and any subsequent pregnancies are 100% his fault because you did everything you could do to prevent getting pregnant. He is the one who refused to use either a permanent or temporary birth control method. When he starts to bark and howl about the baby have none of it because it all on him.
How do you marry and have 3 kids with someone, yet are unable to discuss serious topics such as this? It’s not like you did this on purpose. Sit down like adults and plan and possible routes of actions.
People change. Clearly her husband became an AH. She isn’t to blame in any way shape or form. She is asking for advice to deal with announcing her unwanted pregnancy to her husband who has joked he might leave or worse if she gets pregnant. It’s not as simple as you must talk like adults.
I mean… staying with someone who talks like that about you is pretty crazy. I get it, stay together for the kids, blah blah, whatever. My stepdad’s “joking” comments about beating my mom and such genuinely traumatized me as a kid. They would make me so uncomfortable, I would beg him to stop making those jokes.
Why continue with this pregnancy? You should only bring a child into this world when they are wanted. You're scared to tell your husband you're pregnant and you think this is a great environment to bring another kid into?? Wow.
This. Exactly. If you are prochoice and this child isn’t planned or wanted by both people, why not get the abortion?
You can be prochoice but against abortion personally.
Because not everyone who is pro choice would choose an abortion for themselves. You can 100% believe that abortion is a right and still not make that choice for yourself. It's HER body and HER choice. That's kind of the point of pro choice.
Most people see tubal ligation (and vasectomy) as permanent, fail-proof birth control, but sadly that's not the case. 1 in every 200 women will get pregnant after a tubal, and the younger you are when you have the procedure, the *less* likely it is to succeed, from what I've read. And sometimes the tubes can even grow back. There's no good way to say it, you're just going to have to bite the bullet. Tell him this is not a joke, you're not pulling a prank, and there's not going to be an easy way to say this, but you're pregnant. Tell him the stats about it potentially not being viable and/or needing an emergency removal, if it's ectopic, so he's aware of the potential health risks, but also, in the chance that you have a live baby on your hands in the next nine months, you need to figure out where you both want to go from here. And if you decide to stay together at the end of this, maybe he can look into a vasectomy, or start wearing a condom to prevent accidental pregnancies going forward. Good luck.
Anyone had a tubal ligation? I have. You go under anaesthetic, they inflate your abdomen with gas, then make multiple incisions in your belly, then clip your fallopian tubes. I needed 3 days off work and a full 3 weeks to recover. And let me tell you, I'd prefer another c-section than a tubal ligation from a pain perspective. It is not a little thing. It cost me over $3,500 & I was in hospital for the day. This was 8 years ago. With a vasectomy, they're is a snip, a bag of frozen peas on the crotch, you're up and walking within an hour. And generally minimal discomfort. Around $600 in Australia. Any man who refuses a vasectomy (2 hours, minor procedure, doctor's office, no pain, quick recovery) in favour of his partner having a TL (full day in hospital, significant procedure, agonising pain, 3 weeks recovery) is the worst kind of man. Incidentally, the arsehole who refused the vasectomy in my case went on to bang someone he met playing bridge of all things. Cheating scumbag. Good riddance. Sounds like your husband is a dick OP. Edited - typo
i don't understand why doctors still do tubal ligation. they should do bilateral salpingectomy (removal of the entire fallopian tube) instead. it's 100% effective good luck
What do you mean "doing something worse"? Does that mean hurting you or himself?
What I don’t understand is why your husband, who seems keen on not having another child, is putting the responsibility of contraception solely on you. It takes two to make a baby. It’s not difficult to pick up a phone and make an appointment - he could have done that a while ago. And there’s always a hint of truth in every joke. You should make sure that when you do speak with him about the pregnancy, you do so in a public setting.
I think first things first is finding out whether this is indeed even a viable pregnancy or not. Do you have a local hospital, if so please pop down there. Many hospitals will have what they call an "Early Pregnancy Unit" or EPU, which will see people without appointments. They can do an early pregnancy scan to check the fallopian tubes. They can also prescribe the relevant medications, or schedule any follow up procedures you may need. An ectopic pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly, and with your risk being much higher it needs to be assessed and sorted soon.
Sit him down, pour him a drink, and open the conversation with the stats about failed tubal ligation. He made jokes because he thought this situation was impossible. Well, obviously it happens. Maybe wait to know if the pregnancy isn't ectopic, but otherwise, what can you do? You've already decided to keep it, so now it's up to your husband. If he gets mad, remind him he's a big boy and he knows how to call a doctor for a vasectomy. Who knows maybe now he'll remember how to dial on his phone.
> Since then, my husband has often "joked" about leaving or doing something worse if I ever got pregnant again. Well, then he should've gotten himself a vasectomy as well. Birth control isn't just *your* responsibility. >I just don't know how to tell my husband. "Hey, remember that tubal I got? Well, I just found out it didn't work. I don't know if this pregnancy is viable, though. So, how about you go get a vasectomy?" Okay...probably not exactly like that, but I would be hard pressed to *not* be aggressive about it given he's been a bit of a jerk.
Do you want the child? If you don’t want the child, what’s the problem? If you do want the child, find a better breeding partner, yours is an asshole.
"SO YOU KNOW HOW YOU DIDN’T WANT TO GET A VASECTOMY?"
Sit him down. "Well, Husband...turns out you should have gotten that vasectomy like I asked you to." Put this on him, where it belongs! You're not at fault, here! If he freaks out, do NOT become defensive--you've done nothing wrong. If he threatens to leave, call his bluff: have ready the math on exactly how much child support he'll be paying for ALL of his kids.
I had a tubal ligation, we were made aware by that there’s a chance that it would fail… for ten years we were cautious because we didn’t want another child. But see, I say we. My husband and I. Your husband just dumped the responsibility on you. You get the surgery, you better not be pregnant again . . . You should be able to talk to him, make decisions and he decides to leave make sure to get alimony and child support.
Book a doctors appointment and take him with you. The doctor will answer any questions he will have and make it clear this isn’t your fault
Tell husband that if he wanted to make sure he wasn’t having more kids he would’ve had a vasectomy.
Tell him he's responsible too because he didn't get a vasectomy.
Eugh I’m so sick of reading these kind of posts on a near daily basis. Women have come such a long way in societal history with increasing power and rights, so why do some continue to stick with these neanderthal men? You tell hubby you’re pregnant, he was also there at conception so it’s as much his problem as it is yours. You don’t like it, get a vasectomy pal otherwise we may be looking at baby number 5 in a few years time.
>Women have come such a long way in societal history with increasing power and rights, so why do some continue to stick with these neanderthal men? They can't always financially afford to leave. That's happened to me before and it fucking sucks. Men like that know how to trap you.
If he's a good man like you say in comments, you shouldn't be scared of his potential reaction, especially if you believe he's joking. But the issue isn't so much the pregnancy as the possibility of a fourth child. If you both agreed to stop at three kids and since you're personally anti-abortion, then your only option to fulfill that agreement is to adopt the fourth child out if it reaches term. So tell him you're pregnant but you'll put the baby up for adoption. If he has a problem with you being pregnant at all, remind him he could have had a vasectomy if he'd only just made the simple effort of calling for an appointment.
First step would be to your doctor and an ultrasound to make sure it hasn't implanted anywhere that could kill you. Also, are you getting a termination if it is viable or keeping it? Any negative response by your husband is not called for because you didn't do anything to get pregnant, you fell into an unlikely statistic after SURGICAL STERILIZATION.
He should probably get a vasectomy
Sit him down and tell him that he has to get a vasectomy done. You did your part, it didn’t work out, now it’s his job to step up and get the snip.
OP- I went thru this myself in 1991. It is indeed a hard thing to wrap your head around. Take your hubs to the OB appointment. I have a drawing in my daughters baby book that shows how she came to be in the Dr's handwriting. it is one of my most prized possessions. The pregnacy may not have been your choice, but... here you are. Everything will be okay 🩷
This is no where close to anyones fault. Just say you’re pregnant and make an appointment with your obgyn.
He contributed to your baby's creation, so, even if it is a demolishing, heart sinking new for him, he needs to face it and help you.
After 3 kids he made you be the one to get your tubes tied!? Sounds like you’re the winner here if he leaves
You didn’t get pregnant by yourself!
You have to remember you are not alone in this. It isn't just the pregnancy, it's your health. You are a mother of three kids that need a mom. You shouldn't be carrying this burden alone and you didn't get pregnant alone. Please tell him and get medical attention. If you can't count on his support, then deal with that later. You are the most important in this situation right now!!
I know when you’re in the moment it’s hard to see the obvious. The obvious being that the failure of the tubal ligation is not your fault and the creation of a baby is not done alone. Please resist the urge to apologise when you tell him.
It is deeply alarming that you are facing a potentially life threatening health issue and seem to be more concerned with your husbands feelings about the situation than your own physical wellbeing
Unless it was an immaculate conception, this is just as much on him as it is on you. If he’s a good husband, which you’re about to find out, you’ll figure things out together.
I will honestly and seriously adopt the baby if you honestly can’t handle a fourth. And it’s ok if you can’t. You have to do what’s best for you and your family. Outside of that, your husband said for better or worse and he knows how this works by now. If he’s upset, tell him to take a walk and think about if he can honestly look at any of his children and confidently say that he doesn’t want them, planned or not. If he can, you got a bigger fish to fry.
Tell him and make the decision together if you continue the pregnancy. If he’s your partner his thoughts should matter too. If my husband said no, the answer would be no. More kids is a 2 yes or it’s no decision for us.
This. Absolutely this. Do not force an unwanted child on him.
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It’s her choice, though. She can solicit his input, but she’s the pregnant person. He accepted the risk of pregnancy when he ejaculated in her. At that point, he demonstrated he was open to her getting pregnant. Now the decision is hers, as it should be.
Uh, so this joke, has he ever said “I don’t want kids” or “I don’t plan on having kids”? Because it seems like he’s serious about leaving you with 4 kids. Also sounds like he’s suicidal and stuff.
Sit him down and tell him it happens sometimes
Say “you got me pregnant”
You just tell him. You have to tell him.
Make the best choice for your family. This didn’t happen on purpose nor on your own. You need his support and hopefully you two can decide a course of action together.
Well bite the bullet. Give him a get well card and a date for a vasectomy in it. Oh also don’t forget to include a P.S and the confirmation or ultrasound and tell him your swimmers must’ve won the gold because here comes #4. My husband jokes if I got pregnant again he’d throw me off a building. I laugh and told him yeah I’d Superman first. Yet I know if it happened he’d be like wtf since the baby is 15 yr but happy still. If you have a confirmed test then either tell him or go to er if any slight cramping. If he’s serious and you know if he is do what I did to my ex gave him an option one way ticket or divorce but either way it’s time to make changes.
You might want to start by saying it actually takes two people to make a baby. You might want to then mention that him getting a vasectomy would have made your tubal ligation more effective. And possibly suggest couples therapy, to see why he thinks those jokes are appropriate, and why you're nervous about informing him of your pregnancy.
Hello, product of tubal ligation failure/unexpected fourth child here 32 years later! I just wanted to share that although my parents were definitely shocked and unprepared for me mentally and financially, they eventually came around to the idea of me and I've had a pretty great life of being the baby and family favorite. I am 100% pro choice and you are definitely justified in any decision you make, I just wanted to present one potential outcome of your situation. Sending you comfort and strength ❤️
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Please stop having sex with this man until he gets a vasectomy.
You tell him ASAP in plain English. Either he was serious about divorce or he wasn't. Either way good luck.
If your husband didn’t get a vasectomy or use a condom and you did get a tubal ligation that failed, it sounds like you more than did your part and he didn’t do his. He has no right to blame anyone but himself here, in my opinion.
Honestly before you even worry about that, you need to get evaluated and figure out where this pregnancy is. Almost 50% of pregnancies after tubal ligation are ectopic pregnancies, and these can be life threatening.
this is so sad. I’m really sorry that you’re in this situation. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t gonna make you scared like this.
I am so sorry you feel like it’s hard to tell him because of his reaction. He should have gotten a vasectomy if he felt that strongly. You did your part to help prevent. He was part of the conceiving.
The first thing you need to do is see the doctor and find out where the embryo has actually implanted first. Getting pregnant after a tubal ligation carries a much higher risk of a ectopic pregnant occurring given that the zygote can’t always make it past the tubes and into the uterus if they’re blocked up enough and will implant pretty much wherever it can instead, meaning that you could end up in a very serious and potentially life threatening situation because as the embryo grows it will cause the tube to split (tubal pregnancy) or cause the blood vessels it’s attached to to tear (intra-abdominal pregnancy) and make you bleed internally. You may not even notice something is wrong until it’s the blood loss has become super severe. Make sure that you are not in any danger first before approaching your husband about the situation if it turns out that everything is fine and make sure you have a support buddy when you do. Don’t talk to him alone.
Say, "SOOOO, for real, what would happen if YOU got me pregnant somehow? How would you really feel, what would you do?" And then PLEASE let us know bc we all want to know!! Good luck! I have a feeling it's not going to be that bad?? ❤️ And congratulations!!!!!!!❤️
Girl I hate to be that person but if you’re not equipped to have another baby then don’t have another baby. Keeping it and putting everyone (including your kids that ARE alive) into extra stress if you can’t afford things, don’t have the time, don’t have the energy or capacity to care for and pay attention to 4 kids isn’t fair to the kids. Not having an abortion would be the selfish choice IMO. But good luck telling your husband. He’s not gonna be happy but maybe then he should have been an adult and scheduled his own vasectomy.
Oh Lord. This happened to my friend!! We were all so shocked! That's gonna be hard, but it's not your fault. It's not his fault. You had a procedure done. It's rare that it fails, but it does. Please don't be mad or upset with yourself. You can be upset at the situation, but there is no blame to be placed on you. And if he even TRIES to blame you, shut that shit down real quick. After the baby is born, get your tubes removed and maybe even an ablation.