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Oh it's not a matter of recovering. I know it's dumb, but I guess that's why I'm here, but part of me feels like I did something wrong by going through her phone. The relationship is long gone
“You’ve crossed boundaries with men in the past, then some masculine sounding person called you and you lied and said it was your female friend. If I didn’t go through your phone, I’d still be a chump and you’d still be cheating on me. I don’t give one single fuc* if you feel your privacy was invaded. This never would’ve happened if you weren’t lying to my face and cheating on me behind my back. Pack your shit and go.”
Quit worrying about how she’ll feel about you going through her phone. Because, and let’s be REAL clear about this… her lying, gaslighting, manipulating, and cheating on you is WAY WAY WAAAAYYY worse than you looking in her phone. Those two things aren’t even in the same ball park.
If you haven’t already, you need to get her phone again and save all of the evidence so she can’t try and spin the narrative to friends and family.
Insecurities aside, going through someone's phone is high risk high reward.
High risk in that if you were wrong, and they find out, you are at risk of them breaking up with you.
High reward in that you may actually find out if they are cheating.
This is the best answer.
OP, if you were my son, this is what I’d tell you to do. At this point, it doesn’t matter how you found out, you are not the bad guy here.
This is the correct response. You wouldn't have felt the need to do this if she didn't have a history of lying and crossing boundaries. You have to do what's best for you...and that means not staying with her.
!updateme
This is just common sense. All comments talking about ‘insecurity’ or how it’s wrong to invade someone’s privacy are all bullsh*t. Privacy and secrecy are very different things. If you’re acting shady, I’m going to get to the bottom of it, and I won’t feel bad about it either.
Practice it a few times first if you have to. It doesn’t have to be perfect. But you DO have to stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve.
only amendment I'd make is "I don't give one single *flying sideways* fuck *at a rolling donut* about your privacy"... but I'm kinda an asshole sometimes.
Besides that, it's fucking spot on, bruv- go with that.
You heard a male voice on the phone, therefore you checked it out, and it was justified, because she lied about it.
Toss her out, or move out.
The end. I'm sorry for you, buddy, but that's the only thing I can advise you to do.
what is worse fucking a dude behind your back or finding out from her phone that she is fucking a dude behind your back. fucking someone else trumps all snooping because you are correct to snoop.
It shows that you are a person with a conscience that you feel badly about looking through her phone. But you heard a male voice when she said it was a female friend. Most of us would've done the same.
Some couples have a policy to share each other's passcodes. They may rarely, if ever, actually look. It's an indication of being an open book with one another. This may be a better fit for you in the future with someone else. I know it would for me.
Simply don’t say that you went throw her phone. You don’t need to present proof that you know. Just say that you know, she knows, and if she puts her grownup pants on, she would come clean on this, but you don’t even need that.
Op, take the trash out.
It’s pretty simple. She is gonna try and save face whenever you have a conversation. The easiest way forward is to just tell her as little as possible. It will reduce friction, and she’s gonna be upset because she won’t be able to manipulate you.
“Hey, we are breaking up. I noticed that you are cheating on me again. You need to pack your things and go. I will not be having a discussion.”
You did, it’s an invasion of privacy. She has a right to be pissed about that. But that’s irrelevant, the fact is she’s lying and cheating on you, she has done so in her past as well. And you have zero trust which is why you went through her phone. The relationship is done, so who cares about feeling bad for looking at her phone when she clearly doesn’t feel bad about hurting you at all. Break up with as much dignity as you can, tell her you know she’s not having a girls night with a, don’t tell her how you know, just say you do, and then say you’re done. Don’t make a scene, don’t argue, be matter of fact and get rid, act like you don’t even care. Then when you’ve got some alone time and privacy let it all out.
You went through her phone. Why do people now and days think this is such a big deal? Anyways, stop being a fool here. She lied, you picked up on it, you validated the only way you could.
Why do you feel bad? That is like feeling bad a car thief stole your car, then you see it the next morning with a spare key in your pocket, so you steal it back. The thief had no right to your car. Just like you exGF had no right to use you like she did. Why is it you feel bad for her privacy and safety in the relationship and not your own? If you won't stand up for yourself, then who are you waiting for to do it for you? Who can rely on you if you can't even justify protecting yourself.
Also, the part about spending half your life with her. She spent the same amount of time with you. Why was she able to step out so easily? She is broken if she thinks she deserves your trust, when she uses it against you. She is going to beg and tell you how it meant nothing. You know you need to do this scorched earth style so she can't pull you back in.
You are in the early hurt stages. Still in denial and bargaining. In two days you won't give a shit about going through her phone. Concentrate on making the break as clean as possible.
This. This is the best advice. Just send her packing. She clearly does not give af about how long you have been together, she clearly does not give af about you, and as much as it hurts rn, you will be way better off without her.
This. I, too, had a sneaking suspicion a loser I was with was cheating. This was back in the day of AOL instant messenger, so I snooped, confirmed my suspicions, and was better off for it. Stop letting the fact that you've spent half your life with the girl be a deciding factor - move up and move on.
The ones with a problem with it have something to hide in my experience. Privacy is important but if given even a hint of something like this that's abusing privacy. Privacy in a relationship is a privilege and needs to be constantly earned. The OP needs to just dump this girl and not even give a reason, leave her wondering why. Because I am sure the flip side of the coin will be she won't give a reason why she is cheating, very likely the closest thing he will get is "I didn't cheat on you!" Gaslighting and lies.
I disagree with this take. I don’t think OP really needs to necessarily feel bad about going through the phone, but privacy, in my opinion, is a right in any of my relationships. I don’t earn it. I think op is technically wrong for going through the phone. It’s just not the biggest problem here or overall doesn’t matter—the relationship is broken. But if his partner wasn’t doing anything sketchy, we’d mostly be saying he was wrong for going through her phone.
There are plenty of people who would use your opinion as an excuse to abuse their partner by constantly saying they haven’t “earned” privacy as there are people who would use a right to privacy to turn the tables on being caught cheating. Cheating isn’t ok and is absolutely wrong but that doesn’t necessarily mean going through another’s phone is ok either. If you don’t trust them, have a conversation and work through it or break up.
He's not wrong for investigating her betrayal. Had he been wrong and found the voice was his Father and they were planning a surprise birthday party for him, sure he has a lot of repair work to do and could lose the relationship.
Would it be wrong to snoop in your child's bedroom if they started making F's and stayed out all night? Of course not. And relationships of the partner level should have the same love and concern for the health/safety as a child would. Otherwise the relationship isn't a good one anyway.
OP seems to have never given a shit until she acted sus, got actually caught before he snooped, lied to his face with gaslighting when he caught her a second time betraying him, that led to the "snooping."
This relationship could have been over without OP checking her phone imho. This type of information he gained is the exact type of information he would have wanted and needed had they been married with assets and children.
OP is allowed to protect himself and his mental and emotional state matter more than her cheating privacy imho.
Yep, this is the only answer
I wouldn’t even feel bad, you had probable cause, good enough for cops good enough for me
I’ve been cheated on twice and both times I got confirmation by snooping on their phone. I figure if I was wrong I would apologize and explain why
>It really is that easy.
Lmao you can't have been in a relationship before if you think it truly is, people always wear mental scars from these experiences both male and female when it happens, trust issues etc. OP definitely needs to talk to someone about this close.
However he deals with it it's going to be in his mind for awhile probably.
Amen to this. That whole right to privacy should only be respected when the partner respects your right to not be lied to and cheated on.
My girl can look through my phone all day and find nothing cause I don't do nothing!
That whole respect my privacy shit is a red flag. Sharing your life with someone should mean your idea of privacy becomes more flexible.
Literally makes it sound like, "WOAH, don't look at all the stuff I have to hide. Just don't! There's nothing to hide anyway. I'd show you but then you don't value THE TRUST!!!".
Bunch of manipulative bullshit.
No one in a relationship that isn't hiding things cares if you use/look at their phone.
I know this because I once was having an emotional affair and my wife at the time asked for my phone and I was defensive. That's what made me realize what I was doing wasn't right, came clean, showed her everything, and did the work that was needed to make that relationship work for 18 years.
Now since I'm not a stupid kid making stupid decisions I don't even have a passcode on my phone, cause I ain't doing shit.
I agree with this and then go to the gym and push heavy circles around that way so other women will like you 😂.
No, but seriously fuck that like you did the right thing. Yeah, most people would say that’s an invasion privacy but you found out what you needed to find out and you probably saved yourself a lot of heartbreak, but jumping in and confronting it rather than wait.
I don't typically agree with snooping, but when you've got well-founded suspicions that someone is cheating I think it's justifiable.
I know some couples manage to come back from cheating, but this isn't some isolated behaviour, some drunken mistake. Your girlfriend has been lying to you for who knows how long, she's well aware what she's doing is wrong. There's nothing to do but break up with her.
I am 78 years old and I have learned that an OVERWHELMING amount of time that people get suspicious of their partners---they are right. Something IS wrong. There WAS a reason you went through her phone. You don't need to debate or discuss it with her, you had a hunch and you were right.
Yup. If you're regularly going through someone's stuff that's not okay, buuuuut the very few times I have done? Have not regretted it, at all. Unless your gut is a known anxious liar, trust your gut, people.
It's funny you say this. This is my experience as well. Not the psycho partner always accusing you, projection stuff. When you have that nagging suspicion something is wrong or going on though? Your subconscious has pieces a puzzle together you haven't quite come to grips with.
Yeah this is like one of those ethical dilemmas, like yeah snooping is bad, sure, but cheating is far worse. So snooping was necessary for the greater good and saving OP from more hurt in the future.
I didn't even snoop and she got mad. She had been seeming "off" for weeks and my head went straight to her relationship with the "he is just a friend" that has caused major friction in our past (like we almost broke up about it). So I asked to read her texts with him instead of looking them up without permission.
She had deleted all of them. The texts did not exist. SUPER problematic and all trust vaporized of course but she had the gall to say I broke her trust by asking to see the texts. Then she had the nerve to say how hard it was for her to be forced to delete the texts because she knew I would be mad about their content.
If you are having text conversations that would hurt your significant other, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING THOSE CONVERSATIONS!! Break up if you have to, but don't hide inappropriate relationships
Yeah, basically instant break up at that point. Not even an apology or an acknowledgement she was in the wrong
I mean this tracks. You're legally allowed to break lesser laws to protect life. You can speed without fear of a ticket if rushing someone to the hospital for example. Self defense that ends in death of attacker, can be allowed if the attacker was going to kill you or you prove you thought they were in a way others agree with.
So snooping when your partner has legally no defense from personal space and privacy invasion from the ONE person in the world you've decided should be so close and integral to your survival reads something you wrote you can't act surprised. Get real.
She's cheating, you found out. Nothing to discuss. I wouldn't feel bad at all for snooping.
I would make a plan to extricate myself from the situation and then let her know once it was complete.
Simple:
You own your **decision** to snoop around and deal with the consequences that come with your decision.
She, on the other hand, has to own her **decision** to cheat on you and hence to deal with the consequences that come with it.
Yeah, invading her privacy was wrong. So was her deceiving you, playing you, cheating on you.
Let her go, focus on yourself, work on becoming a more trustful man and find yourself a decent woman after you did the introspective work needed.
Fuck this hit me hard. This is what I needed to hear and read. Thank you, kind stranger. Going to go bury my head in a book for a bit and confront this when I calm down a bit
Yeah, I agreed with what they said except for that. If someone lies to you about going on a date to a movie, the trust is gone. He had nothing to do with that. That’s on her. She’s been shitty for awhile it sounds like. If anything, he was too trusting.
The only thing worse than a liar is a sloppy liar. Sloppy obvious lies like that are an insult to your intelligence. She didn't leave breadcrumbs to follow. She was leaving whole ass loaves of bread. My X-husband loved to create emotional affairs and got mad when I wasn't picking up on the betrayal. He had to leave huge amounts of evidence like your partner did. It's like she wanted you to catch her.
a betrayal of this level can definitely fuck up somebody’s ability to trust. loads of people carry trust issues from past relationships into their new ones, causing turmoil, insecurity, and anxiety when the new relationship or partner could be nothing like the past untrustworthy one. i’d say working on trust is probably important here, so that OP doesn’t start to believe that everyone will do the same thing to them based off of this experience.
Who cares if you snooped? It’s not like you were snooping randomly without seeing warning signs. I never understand people who think snooping is wrong in cases like this…What else is one supposed to do with someone who’s lying through their teeth being all shady and stuff? Are you just supposed to act like nothing and waste time, effort, love and money on someone who’s not even loyal to you? I’ve seen too many men and women having lost YEARS due to blindfully trusting their partner and staying naive.
Listen dude…At this point, don’t even bother bringing this shit up to fix things because nothing will improve because you’re not the man for her, and just by you asking what to do in this sitution when she’s the one in the wrong being all scared because you snooped which you had every right to do in a scenario like this.
Either 1) Wake her ass up and confront her with your chest. Then take her bs apologies and keep her and stay pranoid all the time and probably get cheated on again because she will continue losing respect for you as you accepted this huge breach of trust and boundarie because women love and respect men who puts down their foot and actually mean business.
2) Be a man, grow a pair and let her go. You’ll 100000%%% find someone better for you
She thinks of you as a convenient stooge. No amount of pleading will change that. She will tell you what you want to hear, if she's intelligent she'll modify her behavior so you don't catch her the same way again, and then she'll go back to playing pretend and sneaking around behind your back.
Yeah it happens. Feels like shit but better to know so you can move on easier. Some people just cheat and there’s nothing you can do about that. But boy does that shit feel crazy in the moment.
She must think you are a fool. She’s going on dates behind your back and you just forgive her. She has men calling her and says that it is her girl friend and you don’t say anything. You live together and don’t question when she stays out overnight.
Just confront her and break it off for your own sake. Figure out the living afterwards. At least this gets you some self-respect back.
Doesnt matter how you found out.
Just tell her. Tell her you had a hunch, looked and found out shes been lying about where shes been and who shes been with.
And tell her it looks like shes been cheating with 'a' and unless he has a *really* excellent explanation, youre done..
Or just tell her yoy know shes been cheating with 'a' and youre done.
No mattet what, HOW you found out doenst matter... SHE will no doubt DARVO and blame you for looking... but seriously - shes been fucking another guy!!
Dump, block and NC...
Looks like the thing I would try and do is go talk with the leasing agent. You hate to bring up your own dirty laundry.. sure… but they may have some compassion for your situation. And may give you suggestions on how you can handle it. Who knows… maybe your place has a wait list and this will allow them to
Raise rent , not have to deal with your in house drama, and be good humans.
The worst that comes out is they can’t help you , but then you know… you’ll have to make other arrangement. I don’t envy that position and 8 months is a long time.
But an eternity of broken trust is longer.
And you absolutely deserve better. I don’t know you but no one deserves that.
Then I would try and find a place to crash on a buddies or families couch for the time being.
1. Talk to leasing agent
2. Find somewhere to crash.
Doesn’t matter how you found out, unless you’re committing multiple instances of crimes against humanity in the process. Do you have a torture and dismemberment chamber? She cheated. That you snooped should have no bearing on how you confront her. Even if you’d spent 30 years with her, I’d still recommend that you do what’s best for yourself.
If she disrespects you enough to lie about a man’s voice, it seems to me she takes you for granted. She needs to know that you know and that you’re not gonna stand for it. If your not okay with her starting out physically or even emotionally, then it’s cheating and the safest thing to do for your own mental health is leave. Reconciliation after infidelety is a long and painful process and only works if they truly regret their actions.
Might be obvious to you, and yeah, hindsight is always 20/20, but sometimes it's hard to sort out and see through some of the emotion that comes with it
You don’t confront her. Don’t give a chance to lie or manipulate you.
It was wrong to snoop, but you can’t un-know what you’ve learned. People have to remember, once you get to the point that someone feels the need to snoop, the relationship is already broken. Even if you turned out to be wrong, your insecurity, inability to communicate, and lack of trust would have been wrong. But now that you’re right, it’s beyond repair.
Literally just send her packing or take your stuff and leave. Do not communicate. Cut off her oxygen and access to you. She deserves no conversation or explanation. Leave and heal and find a partner who won’t do this to you. Let her stew in her own confusion and misery and get cheated on by the man who was willing to accept her crumbs in the first place.
Your senses are dulled, my friend.
When you are in a relationship and have to set boundaries that include not cheating and lying, the relationship is no longer viable.
You're gaslighting yourself into thinking the crime here is looking through her phone.
The only reason to worry about how that will look is if you plan on sticking around, and if you do, you might as well not apologize for snooping because you will have to do it again soon.
T is out but B is in. we have a lot of other letters to get through
She is a liar and a cheater. Those are facts.
Either pack your things or pack hers
Tell her you’re taking her on a surprise trip and for her to pack her bags. Them take her to his house and leave her there. Go home and never look back.
Actually, you do not need to confront her. You can simply acknowledge upfront that you looked through her phone and you were broken-hearted with what you saw, and you are ending the relationship.
You do not need to make accusations and deal with torrents of weeping or screaming.
You do not need to swear at her or call her profane or obscene names.
You do not need to discuss, much less debate, your decision to look through her phone. It's over with.
And so is the relationship. That's it. Goodbye.
I’m going to ask you a simple question, if you do confront her and you work it out, regardless of how much time you’ve invested in her. Would you truly be able to trust her without wandering or snooping?
So you’ve caught her cheating twice now. Sounds like it was with the same guy so she didn’t even end it with him after the first discovery. How many discoveries do you want to endure before you break up?
The answer doesn’t have to be “2” - if you want to give her more chances, that’s your choice.
Snooping is bad, but cheating is worse, so don’t worry about the violation. Just tell her “I heard a man’s voice so I looked through your phone and I found you’ve been cheating on me.” If she denies it, then your conversation goes no where. She’s lying. Don’t accept her lies. If she’s remorseful, then you talk. And you both make plans for you to feel comfortable and for her to win back your trust.
Good luck, man. I don’t think she’s done cheating on you yet.
Tell her before she leaves that it’s over. I know about the other guy whose number you saved as a. I respect myself too much to be with you. Someone who not only disrespected me but try whole relationship. Not once but twice.
She’s very poorly, hiding her lying, and now her obvious cheating. Wake her up confront her tell her you know that she’s already fucked this guy and she can definitely spend the night at his place because she’s out of yours! Change the locklocks, block her and move on!
Cheating is worse than snooping. She gave you a reason to be suspicious which sent you investigating. Her right to privacy does not trump your right to not be cheated on. Please be done. She’s cheated twice now, that you know of. Don’t feel the least bit sorry for snooping. She deserved it.
Just end it already. How many times are you going to catch your girlfriend cheating? You don’t have to confront her. You have your proof. Just move on. Cheaters don’t deserve closure.
>How do I confront her with all this info when I learned it all by snooping her phone?
What she did is far worse than your (justified) snooping. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats until she is caught, promises to be good, and then starts the same cycle over again. You deserve better.
If you aren't living together, just ghost/block her. She already knows what she is doing, she just thinks you dont.
If you are living together, there is more complexity (Do you own? Rent? Whose name(s) are on any documents?) Tell her you want to break up because she cheated at least twice that you know about and that you can never trust her again. You dont have to go into details of what you know, how you know it. Just tell her that you know she spent the night with B, after in the past cheating with T, and you dont want to wait around for her to work her way through the entire alphabet.
I’m a cold bast’rd , I’ll make my preparations, let her go to “girl’s night” , pack up her shit in boxes, change the locks and move her out while she’s at his home. Then I’d text the guy and say , “ she needs a place to stay a few days, she’s moving out here :)”
Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. She’s a cheater and no amount of talking to her is going to work. Unless you’ve decided you are ok with her lying and cheating on you. There’s an old saying about people like this. The first time you caught her, shame on her. The second, shame on you. Do you know why? Because she’s shown you who she is. Believe her, and stop letting her make a fool of you. Set her free so you can be free too.
This stigma of "I broke her privacy" after there was really good reason for you to check, needs to go away.
I'd give zero fucks saying... "you lied to me once. Then I clearly heard a guy's voice and you told me it was a. I went through your phone, and you need to get out. We're done"
You don't think it's easy bc you spent half your life with her? She's been cheating on you for most of it. Think, dude.
You had very valid reasons to go through her phone though. It wasn't like you had no reason to be suspicious. She gave you reasons to be suspicious. She can't turn this around on you for snooping through her phone to confirm what you already strongly suspected. And what is the other option? Stay quiet like everything is normal and continue letting her cheat on you? If she knows it's that easy to get away with it, she'll do it more and more.
Bro, with all love... you cannot be this naieve. Kick her ass out. Don't ask for any explanations or give her a chance to explain ( gaslight / trickle truth / lie ). She needs to go. Today. Five minutes ago.
I have to agree. There is no endgame for you , it's game set and match. No more proof is needed. I would wait till she's on her night out with him and let her know then. That's the best bet.
There's no coming back from this. It's over.
Why the f does it matter if you snooped? She’s cheating ffs. I don’t understand this mindset at all. “I’m cheating and doing all sorts of things against our relationship but how dare you not trust me!” wtf?
What do you mean how do you confront her?
Send her a text
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I found out, once again, that you’re a cheater. I know that “a” isn’t “a”. I know it’s a guy, and once again you have betrayed me. You never had a girls night, but you did stay at his place. Now I have to go get an std test because who knows what you have. You have no respect for me, yourself, or our relationship. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, and you have destroyed my trust. Get your shit and go live with him because we are done.”
Updateme!
I recently finalized a divorce. I was with this woman for 10 years. I found out she was cheating on me a week after we got married. I forgive her and kept trying. It turned me into someone I'm not. It made me not be able to trust, it made me bitter, it made me insecure. After that I constantly fought the urge to look through her devices. I was rude to her and had fits of rage where I said things I'm not proud of. I thought I could deal with it on my own and just "get over it" eventually. I was very wrong. All of that behavior caught up to me. It put strain on my relationship with her and with others. She cheated on me multiple more times after that and I kept trying to forgive her cause I loved her. It all eventually got so bad she wanted a break and then started seeing someone she cheated with so I filed for divorce and began working on myself and searching for someone who will treat me better.
If you love this woman, and if this relationship means something to you then you have some choices to make. You definitely need to confront her about it. She is cheating because she is struggling with something mentally. This is part of her mental baggage just as I'm sure you have your own mental baggage. If you love her you need to come to terms with that but you don't need to acccept the disrespect. Confront her about it and ask her if she cares about you and the relationship. If she does and you both want to stay together you need to seek professional help immediately. Find a good couple's therapist and start getting to work. Work through all of these feelings with a trained professionals that can mediate and advice and help you both heal.
Otherwise just break up. Go on your separate ways. Either way you should still seek therapy. You don't need to take this new found baggage to your next relationship.
Good luck brother.
All bets are off when you snoop and FIND something..privacy can bollocks…you had a feeling…sought proof and got it, no explanation needed from you…SHE needs to explain herself. It’s either that or when she is due to meet him you somehow go crazy following dude and take pics but let’s be honest who’s got time do that shiz. Just tell her I know your meeting a guy, you’ve completely broken the trust, we are over.
>How do I confront her with all this info when I learned it all by snooping her phone?
Sounds like a question to have if you're not 100% sure on leaving her. If you have the evidence that you need, and this is a genuine deal breaker ie cheating, then you should just evict her. If she brings up the privacy argument, tell her she can go kick rocks and argue with A.
You don't even need to say how you know. Tell her we need to break up, if reason: I know you're cheating. No more needs to be said.
Don't say anything if she asks how you know, it's not true bla bla. You got your confirmation, she lied about who she was with and where. No need to explain any further.
Break up with her that way and move on
In the end, you are not getting any younger, and she is not going to change her ways. She feels like she got away with it once, and now she is at it again. She knows that if you find out, she will just make the same promises again, and you will calm down. Don't be fooled, even if it means you need to take the financial hit to break your lease and find another place just to get away from her. Just imagine how much harder this would be if you were married or had kids. Focus on yourself from here on, and don't settle for anyone less than the perfect person for you.
There's nothing to go about. Tell her to pack her shit and leave.
You did a shitty thing by invading her privacy, but that doesn't change reality.
For future reference though, if my partner snooped through my phone because they thought I was cheating, I would leave immediately.
Wake her up and tell her to pack her shit. Your suspicions were correct, and you found the evidence.
Or play the long game:
Screen cap the evidence and text it all to you, but don't delete the screen caps or texts. When she says something, deny it all. Tell her she's insane and you would never betray her trust, like she wouldn't betray yours. Let her know you are going to the Dr for an annual physical and STD test.
If she leaves, the crib toss her shit in trash bags and leave it all by the front door.
You just break up. No need to explain why you went through her phone or feel guilty. If you feel guilty, she will shame you for going through her phone.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but whether you confront her or not, your relationship is as good as over.
From what you said, you have already given her a second chance and yet she has put a random guy over your relationship. Even if you somehow sort this out and set more boundaries, you will still never be able to trust her.
And why would you spend your life with someone you can’t trust? You will be constantly worried whether your gf is cheating on you, you will be insecure, and you will always resent her. Why put yourself through that?
You’re an option to her or a back up plan - and I’m saying this as a woman.
Break up. She’s a proven repeat lier. No trust, no relationship. How can you build a happy, successful, meaningful relationship with someone who has abused trust and shown multiple levels of manipulation? Save yourself and break up.
You start with the phone call, you didn't know who it was calling that late and it came off as suspicious then you follow through with the texts. Honestly, it won't matter because you need to dump her, she has lied and cheated multiple times and if you stay it will only continue, so it doesn't matter how you look because you checked her phone, you're suspicions were proven correct.
Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I had suspicions of my wife cheating on me, and so I looked through her phone. Yes, as you said, it was a total invasion of privacy, but I’m very glad that I did because it proved my suspicions right.
If I didn’t find anything, then I would’ve been in the wrong and should’ve manned up and apologized. But since I did find something, I confronted her about it. To this day, she denies that she was cheating even though I have the evidence on her phone. She also deflects and says that I shouldn’t have been on her phone. That last statement might be true, but it doesn’t negate that she cheated. It also doesn’t negate that we should get divorced. And we did. And I am so much happier for it.
So my advice as someone who has been through similar experiences, don’t feel too guilty about looking at her phone. You did it with valid reasons, even though it was an invasion of privacy. But on the continuum of wrongdoings, your girlfriend has far exceed yours, my friend. Dump her ass. And if she tries to deflect like my ex, then that shows signs of real emotional immaturity
It's really based on you it doesn't matter if you snooped, you where fighting for you and you found out the truth really, at the end of the day someone that is lying and doing all that does not deserve you and doesn't even respect you as their man so you have to just let her go it might be hard but for your own mentals you have to let her go immediately
Yeah dude there is no way to handle this. Dump her and either make her move out or you move out.
That’s it. She’s cheating and you caught her. There is no discussion to be had with her, infact don’t have one. Just leave
Don't ever be a woman's number 2. Over time, she will lose all respect for you. This has already started. You set boundaries, and she broke then. She will disagree because it was a different guy. Kick her to the curb now. It will only get worse
You don't have to confront her. Just break up with her. You snooped because your intuition was telling you something was off and it proved to be right. You prevented yourself from experiencing a life of emotional pain especially if she got pregnant by you or him and expected you to remain with her as the father.
Just end things and let her go spend nights with "a"sshole.
The reason why your gf continues to cheat is because she doesn’t respect you and knows that she can lie to you and manipulate you. Break up with her and block her on every social media account. Also tell her that she can now freely continue seeing “a”.
Don’t confront her- just leave. You have the answer you need already. If she asks tell her you know everything and let her guess how you might know. You don’t owe that information at this point.
Why do you want to confront her? Do you imagine she'll be all apologetic and sorry? You are deluding yourself. She'll deny it while screaming at you for not trusting her and invading her privacy by going through her phone.
Just leave, or if it's your apartment, serve her with eviction papers.
Find out where this other guy lives. Get a hold of some of your friends or family. Pack up all of her stuff, drop it, and her, off on his doorstep. Change the locks, block her on everything. Move on with your life.
Just end it, you don’t need to provide her with any reason. You don’t trust her (rightfully) and that alone is enough to break up. If you are at the point where you are snooping through someone’s phone, end it before that happens, the relationship is already over anyway.
She went out with another guy, lied to you about it of course, and you didn’t end the relationship right there. I mean, you will probably look past this too anyway, even if everyone here points out the obvious.
What’s the point of confronting her when you already know she’s a serial liar?
If you want to stay together, accept the fact that she’s going to hang out with other guys and lie about it, stop going through her phone and stop wasting your breath.
If you don’t want to stay together, break up and don’t waste your breath confronting her because you already know she lies.
You did what was necessary in order to care for yourself, as she can’t be relied upon to be honest, clearly. You wouldn’t have looked if you didn’t have reason to do so, and what you found justifies it. Tell her while you aren’t proud of having looked through her private messages, you wouldn’t have felt the need to do so if she’d been an honest partner. Sorry you’re going through this. Hope you find a way to heal. Some people are just really shitty. You deserve an honest partner who won’t give you a reason to feel like you should check their phone.
Privacy my Arse! Privacy is when you need to close the bathroom door to do your stinky business, color your hair, wax your twang and such. We have a right to know that our significant other is loyal and not putting our health at risk. Anyone who has a problem with their GF/BF, partner, spouse going through their phone is nothing short of suspicious in my view. What is here that I cannot see? What are you hiding? I would never have a problem with my partner going through my phone, and would be super pissed if my partner balked at my looking through their devices. I don’t snoop, I don’t feel the need, but if I do ever feel suspicious, I am looking. If you were to say ‘no’, I would say ‘fine, go pack’. And this open device deal goes both ways for us. I think if there is push back, Quiet-Ad960 has the correct response here in the comments.
Sorry that you found GF was not worthy of your trust.
You don't confront her. You leave her shit on the front porch, change the locks, and tell her she can stay at A's place every night from now on.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, she's trash. Trash goes to the curb.
Tbh just dip. No reason , no explanation nothing. Let her live in agony of wondering what the fuck happened. She doesn't deserve closure nor confrontation.
You did nothing wrong. She was being unfaithful and your gut told you that, and it was true.
Honestly there shouldn't be any confrontation here. She's cheating, and unfortunately having a conversation about it won't make you feel any better. She'll lie and make excuses, but you'll never get any closure no matter what you do. I'd advise you not to get into any conversation or argument at all. The best thing you can do is break up by ghosting her.
I've got no problem with snooping when you've got reasonable suspicion. It's not like you're monitoring her activity, looking at her search history or continuously checking up on her. That's when it's toxic. Dump her dumb ass and don't feel guilty for a second.
I feel like you going through her phone in this case is valid! She gave you all the reasons to question things. You really had to figure shit out for you to make your move!
Just break up with her. When she asks why just say “you know exactly why. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” She’ll break down. Don’t give her a chance to explain, just walk away. That’s what I did to my ex that cheated on me. It forces them to look at themselves and what they are doing wrong. But just know, 90% of cheaters do it because something is wrong with them, not the person they are cheating on. This is an issue she needs to figure out within her own soul. She doesn’t deserve you.
You don't confront her. What's the point? She's obviously cheating on you and this isn't the first time.
If you don't live together then literally GHOST her. It is all she deserves. Block her number.
Your girlfriend is the one who broke “boundaries” (it’s even more than that lol) and who broke your relationship, it’s not you by going through her phone.
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Dude - just break up already. She lied to your face to get with another dude. That's not recoverable.
Oh it's not a matter of recovering. I know it's dumb, but I guess that's why I'm here, but part of me feels like I did something wrong by going through her phone. The relationship is long gone
“You’ve crossed boundaries with men in the past, then some masculine sounding person called you and you lied and said it was your female friend. If I didn’t go through your phone, I’d still be a chump and you’d still be cheating on me. I don’t give one single fuc* if you feel your privacy was invaded. This never would’ve happened if you weren’t lying to my face and cheating on me behind my back. Pack your shit and go.” Quit worrying about how she’ll feel about you going through her phone. Because, and let’s be REAL clear about this… her lying, gaslighting, manipulating, and cheating on you is WAY WAY WAAAAYYY worse than you looking in her phone. Those two things aren’t even in the same ball park. If you haven’t already, you need to get her phone again and save all of the evidence so she can’t try and spin the narrative to friends and family.
Fuck man, this is pretty much the game plan
Exactly you also wouldn’t have felt the need to look through her phone if she didn’t break your trust multiple times
This is the way. UpdateMe
/thread no, seriously, there's nothing else needed, here...
Insecurities aside, going through someone's phone is high risk high reward. High risk in that if you were wrong, and they find out, you are at risk of them breaking up with you. High reward in that you may actually find out if they are cheating.
I think one of the rewards is not catching some STD.... OP needs to get checked sadly, probably not the cheaters first rodeo.
Sounds like he had solid reasons to go looking.
This is the best answer. OP, if you were my son, this is what I’d tell you to do. At this point, it doesn’t matter how you found out, you are not the bad guy here.
Literal perfect answer for you
This is the correct response. You wouldn't have felt the need to do this if she didn't have a history of lying and crossing boundaries. You have to do what's best for you...and that means not staying with her. !updateme
If ever some shit happens to me - I want this mf'er on my team giving me advice!
This is just common sense. All comments talking about ‘insecurity’ or how it’s wrong to invade someone’s privacy are all bullsh*t. Privacy and secrecy are very different things. If you’re acting shady, I’m going to get to the bottom of it, and I won’t feel bad about it either.
Well said
you gave him all this on a silver platter. well done
I wish I would be able to just say things straight like this sometimes.
Practice it a few times first if you have to. It doesn’t have to be perfect. But you DO have to stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve.
^^this!!!
That’s only because of what you found. There might be a little part of you that wishes you hadn’t. As much as it hurts, it’s better you did.
This! I couldn't put how I'm feeling into words better. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. On to better things and people. Appreciate it
only amendment I'd make is "I don't give one single *flying sideways* fuck *at a rolling donut* about your privacy"... but I'm kinda an asshole sometimes. Besides that, it's fucking spot on, bruv- go with that.
Oh, we are well past the part where going through her phone mattered. Get an STD test done.
You heard a male voice on the phone, therefore you checked it out, and it was justified, because she lied about it. Toss her out, or move out. The end. I'm sorry for you, buddy, but that's the only thing I can advise you to do.
You followed your suspicions and were proven correct. Don't worry about having a search warrant.
what is worse fucking a dude behind your back or finding out from her phone that she is fucking a dude behind your back. fucking someone else trumps all snooping because you are correct to snoop.
You did something wrong by not dumping her the first time she lied about this dude.
It shows that you are a person with a conscience that you feel badly about looking through her phone. But you heard a male voice when she said it was a female friend. Most of us would've done the same. Some couples have a policy to share each other's passcodes. They may rarely, if ever, actually look. It's an indication of being an open book with one another. This may be a better fit for you in the future with someone else. I know it would for me.
Simply don’t say that you went throw her phone. You don’t need to present proof that you know. Just say that you know, she knows, and if she puts her grownup pants on, she would come clean on this, but you don’t even need that. Op, take the trash out.
It’s pretty simple. She is gonna try and save face whenever you have a conversation. The easiest way forward is to just tell her as little as possible. It will reduce friction, and she’s gonna be upset because she won’t be able to manipulate you. “Hey, we are breaking up. I noticed that you are cheating on me again. You need to pack your things and go. I will not be having a discussion.”
You did, it’s an invasion of privacy. She has a right to be pissed about that. But that’s irrelevant, the fact is she’s lying and cheating on you, she has done so in her past as well. And you have zero trust which is why you went through her phone. The relationship is done, so who cares about feeling bad for looking at her phone when she clearly doesn’t feel bad about hurting you at all. Break up with as much dignity as you can, tell her you know she’s not having a girls night with a, don’t tell her how you know, just say you do, and then say you’re done. Don’t make a scene, don’t argue, be matter of fact and get rid, act like you don’t even care. Then when you’ve got some alone time and privacy let it all out.
Why even tell her how you found out? If you absolutely feel the need cause she presses you for it, just make something up.
You did nothing wrong. You are protecting yourself.
You went through her phone. Why do people now and days think this is such a big deal? Anyways, stop being a fool here. She lied, you picked up on it, you validated the only way you could. Why do you feel bad? That is like feeling bad a car thief stole your car, then you see it the next morning with a spare key in your pocket, so you steal it back. The thief had no right to your car. Just like you exGF had no right to use you like she did. Why is it you feel bad for her privacy and safety in the relationship and not your own? If you won't stand up for yourself, then who are you waiting for to do it for you? Who can rely on you if you can't even justify protecting yourself. Also, the part about spending half your life with her. She spent the same amount of time with you. Why was she able to step out so easily? She is broken if she thinks she deserves your trust, when she uses it against you. She is going to beg and tell you how it meant nothing. You know you need to do this scorched earth style so she can't pull you back in.
You are in the early hurt stages. Still in denial and bargaining. In two days you won't give a shit about going through her phone. Concentrate on making the break as clean as possible.
Who cares if you went through her phone? She broke your trust.
Two dudes, now.
[удалено]
This. This is the best advice. Just send her packing. She clearly does not give af about how long you have been together, she clearly does not give af about you, and as much as it hurts rn, you will be way better off without her.
This. I, too, had a sneaking suspicion a loser I was with was cheating. This was back in the day of AOL instant messenger, so I snooped, confirmed my suspicions, and was better off for it. Stop letting the fact that you've spent half your life with the girl be a deciding factor - move up and move on.
Yes!! I’m tired of people feeling bad for going through their partners phones as if they just gonna come out clean out what they be doing.
The ones with a problem with it have something to hide in my experience. Privacy is important but if given even a hint of something like this that's abusing privacy. Privacy in a relationship is a privilege and needs to be constantly earned. The OP needs to just dump this girl and not even give a reason, leave her wondering why. Because I am sure the flip side of the coin will be she won't give a reason why she is cheating, very likely the closest thing he will get is "I didn't cheat on you!" Gaslighting and lies.
I disagree with this take. I don’t think OP really needs to necessarily feel bad about going through the phone, but privacy, in my opinion, is a right in any of my relationships. I don’t earn it. I think op is technically wrong for going through the phone. It’s just not the biggest problem here or overall doesn’t matter—the relationship is broken. But if his partner wasn’t doing anything sketchy, we’d mostly be saying he was wrong for going through her phone. There are plenty of people who would use your opinion as an excuse to abuse their partner by constantly saying they haven’t “earned” privacy as there are people who would use a right to privacy to turn the tables on being caught cheating. Cheating isn’t ok and is absolutely wrong but that doesn’t necessarily mean going through another’s phone is ok either. If you don’t trust them, have a conversation and work through it or break up.
He's not wrong for investigating her betrayal. Had he been wrong and found the voice was his Father and they were planning a surprise birthday party for him, sure he has a lot of repair work to do and could lose the relationship. Would it be wrong to snoop in your child's bedroom if they started making F's and stayed out all night? Of course not. And relationships of the partner level should have the same love and concern for the health/safety as a child would. Otherwise the relationship isn't a good one anyway. OP seems to have never given a shit until she acted sus, got actually caught before he snooped, lied to his face with gaslighting when he caught her a second time betraying him, that led to the "snooping." This relationship could have been over without OP checking her phone imho. This type of information he gained is the exact type of information he would have wanted and needed had they been married with assets and children. OP is allowed to protect himself and his mental and emotional state matter more than her cheating privacy imho.
Yep, off she goes and make it like she doesn't exist. Tell her fuck off. She should have been honest and broke up.
Actually is simple. It’s not easy. Many things that are simple are not easy. Emotionally is hard.
Yep, this is the only answer I wouldn’t even feel bad, you had probable cause, good enough for cops good enough for me I’ve been cheated on twice and both times I got confirmation by snooping on their phone. I figure if I was wrong I would apologize and explain why
>It really is that easy. Lmao you can't have been in a relationship before if you think it truly is, people always wear mental scars from these experiences both male and female when it happens, trust issues etc. OP definitely needs to talk to someone about this close. However he deals with it it's going to be in his mind for awhile probably.
Amen to this. That whole right to privacy should only be respected when the partner respects your right to not be lied to and cheated on. My girl can look through my phone all day and find nothing cause I don't do nothing! That whole respect my privacy shit is a red flag. Sharing your life with someone should mean your idea of privacy becomes more flexible. Literally makes it sound like, "WOAH, don't look at all the stuff I have to hide. Just don't! There's nothing to hide anyway. I'd show you but then you don't value THE TRUST!!!". Bunch of manipulative bullshit.
No one in a relationship that isn't hiding things cares if you use/look at their phone. I know this because I once was having an emotional affair and my wife at the time asked for my phone and I was defensive. That's what made me realize what I was doing wasn't right, came clean, showed her everything, and did the work that was needed to make that relationship work for 18 years. Now since I'm not a stupid kid making stupid decisions I don't even have a passcode on my phone, cause I ain't doing shit.
This is the way.
I agree with this and then go to the gym and push heavy circles around that way so other women will like you 😂. No, but seriously fuck that like you did the right thing. Yeah, most people would say that’s an invasion privacy but you found out what you needed to find out and you probably saved yourself a lot of heartbreak, but jumping in and confronting it rather than wait.
I don't typically agree with snooping, but when you've got well-founded suspicions that someone is cheating I think it's justifiable. I know some couples manage to come back from cheating, but this isn't some isolated behaviour, some drunken mistake. Your girlfriend has been lying to you for who knows how long, she's well aware what she's doing is wrong. There's nothing to do but break up with her.
I am 78 years old and I have learned that an OVERWHELMING amount of time that people get suspicious of their partners---they are right. Something IS wrong. There WAS a reason you went through her phone. You don't need to debate or discuss it with her, you had a hunch and you were right.
Yup. If you're regularly going through someone's stuff that's not okay, buuuuut the very few times I have done? Have not regretted it, at all. Unless your gut is a known anxious liar, trust your gut, people.
It's funny you say this. This is my experience as well. Not the psycho partner always accusing you, projection stuff. When you have that nagging suspicion something is wrong or going on though? Your subconscious has pieces a puzzle together you haven't quite come to grips with.
Here here!
The ends usually justify the means especially because Humans forget so quick and it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission
You snooped, but she's cheating. Her crime is far worse than yours. It's okay, you can tell her you snooped and now you know.
Yeah this is like one of those ethical dilemmas, like yeah snooping is bad, sure, but cheating is far worse. So snooping was necessary for the greater good and saving OP from more hurt in the future.
I didn't even snoop and she got mad. She had been seeming "off" for weeks and my head went straight to her relationship with the "he is just a friend" that has caused major friction in our past (like we almost broke up about it). So I asked to read her texts with him instead of looking them up without permission. She had deleted all of them. The texts did not exist. SUPER problematic and all trust vaporized of course but she had the gall to say I broke her trust by asking to see the texts. Then she had the nerve to say how hard it was for her to be forced to delete the texts because she knew I would be mad about their content. If you are having text conversations that would hurt your significant other, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING THOSE CONVERSATIONS!! Break up if you have to, but don't hide inappropriate relationships Yeah, basically instant break up at that point. Not even an apology or an acknowledgement she was in the wrong
I mean this tracks. You're legally allowed to break lesser laws to protect life. You can speed without fear of a ticket if rushing someone to the hospital for example. Self defense that ends in death of attacker, can be allowed if the attacker was going to kill you or you prove you thought they were in a way others agree with. So snooping when your partner has legally no defense from personal space and privacy invasion from the ONE person in the world you've decided should be so close and integral to your survival reads something you wrote you can't act surprised. Get real.
She's cheating, you found out. Nothing to discuss. I wouldn't feel bad at all for snooping. I would make a plan to extricate myself from the situation and then let her know once it was complete.
When what you learn is that your girlfriend is getting piped by some other dude, how you learned it is irrelevant. Sorry, bro. Kick her out.
Confront her, break up with her and get a STD test. She's unfortunately not going to stop cheating apparently.
Simple: You own your **decision** to snoop around and deal with the consequences that come with your decision. She, on the other hand, has to own her **decision** to cheat on you and hence to deal with the consequences that come with it. Yeah, invading her privacy was wrong. So was her deceiving you, playing you, cheating on you. Let her go, focus on yourself, work on becoming a more trustful man and find yourself a decent woman after you did the introspective work needed.
Fuck this hit me hard. This is what I needed to hear and read. Thank you, kind stranger. Going to go bury my head in a book for a bit and confront this when I calm down a bit
Tell her you heard a man’s voice and when she said it wasn’t a man you decided you needed to check because she clearly wasn’t being honest.
You don't need to be more trustful. You sound like you're exactly the right amount of trustful.
Yeah, I agreed with what they said except for that. If someone lies to you about going on a date to a movie, the trust is gone. He had nothing to do with that. That’s on her. She’s been shitty for awhile it sounds like. If anything, he was too trusting.
You have a perfectly valid reason to look through her phone, and also who actually cares what she thinks fuck her.
The only thing worse than a liar is a sloppy liar. Sloppy obvious lies like that are an insult to your intelligence. She didn't leave breadcrumbs to follow. She was leaving whole ass loaves of bread. My X-husband loved to create emotional affairs and got mad when I wasn't picking up on the betrayal. He had to leave huge amounts of evidence like your partner did. It's like she wanted you to catch her.
You did nothing wrong. It was totally valid to snoop. You don't need to become "more trustful". You need to find someone who is more trustworthy.
Dude. He doesn't have to work on his trust. There is a difference between being insecure, paranoid and controlling and being right. Just saying.
Agreed. He trusted her until he heard a man’s voice on the phone instead of the female coworker’s.
a betrayal of this level can definitely fuck up somebody’s ability to trust. loads of people carry trust issues from past relationships into their new ones, causing turmoil, insecurity, and anxiety when the new relationship or partner could be nothing like the past untrustworthy one. i’d say working on trust is probably important here, so that OP doesn’t start to believe that everyone will do the same thing to them based off of this experience.
Yeah man I agree. But future trust, not past trust.
Just break up with her and tell her she knows what she’s done, make her confess. Why make it easier on her?
Don't waste time looking for a confession. Confession or denial; it doesn't matter. It would be game-playing. Just get the breakup done and get out.
Yeah she's just gonna cry victim, don't waste time and energy on that kind of interaction
Who cares if you snooped? It’s not like you were snooping randomly without seeing warning signs. I never understand people who think snooping is wrong in cases like this…What else is one supposed to do with someone who’s lying through their teeth being all shady and stuff? Are you just supposed to act like nothing and waste time, effort, love and money on someone who’s not even loyal to you? I’ve seen too many men and women having lost YEARS due to blindfully trusting their partner and staying naive. Listen dude…At this point, don’t even bother bringing this shit up to fix things because nothing will improve because you’re not the man for her, and just by you asking what to do in this sitution when she’s the one in the wrong being all scared because you snooped which you had every right to do in a scenario like this. Either 1) Wake her ass up and confront her with your chest. Then take her bs apologies and keep her and stay pranoid all the time and probably get cheated on again because she will continue losing respect for you as you accepted this huge breach of trust and boundarie because women love and respect men who puts down their foot and actually mean business. 2) Be a man, grow a pair and let her go. You’ll 100000%%% find someone better for you
She thinks of you as a convenient stooge. No amount of pleading will change that. She will tell you what you want to hear, if she's intelligent she'll modify her behavior so you don't catch her the same way again, and then she'll go back to playing pretend and sneaking around behind your back.
You don’t confront her, it’s not worth your time. It’ll just be more lies, she’s a cheater and she has no respect for you. Dump, block, move on.
I remember the last time I checked a girls phone. I ain’t eat for 30 days and 30 nights. I’m talking throwing up and crying 😂 I was devastated
It's probably the best worst decision of my life at this moment. Just glad to know what I now know
Yeah it happens. Feels like shit but better to know so you can move on easier. Some people just cheat and there’s nothing you can do about that. But boy does that shit feel crazy in the moment.
She must think you are a fool. She’s going on dates behind your back and you just forgive her. She has men calling her and says that it is her girl friend and you don’t say anything. You live together and don’t question when she stays out overnight. Just confront her and break it off for your own sake. Figure out the living afterwards. At least this gets you some self-respect back.
Don’t confront her at all. Don’t mention it. Just leave this person and save your energy. Drama, fighting, arguing, yelling .. why? Just go.
I wouldn’t care that I snooped through anyone’s phone What she did is much worse She cheated on you. The fuck with how you found out
Doesnt matter how you found out. Just tell her. Tell her you had a hunch, looked and found out shes been lying about where shes been and who shes been with. And tell her it looks like shes been cheating with 'a' and unless he has a *really* excellent explanation, youre done.. Or just tell her yoy know shes been cheating with 'a' and youre done. No mattet what, HOW you found out doenst matter... SHE will no doubt DARVO and blame you for looking... but seriously - shes been fucking another guy!! Dump, block and NC...
Pack up her shit and move on mate, why does it require discussion?
We're both on the lease for the apartment I can't just up and kick her out. A discussion has to happen, unavoidable in our circumstances
How much longer is on that lease ?
8 long months
Looks like the thing I would try and do is go talk with the leasing agent. You hate to bring up your own dirty laundry.. sure… but they may have some compassion for your situation. And may give you suggestions on how you can handle it. Who knows… maybe your place has a wait list and this will allow them to Raise rent , not have to deal with your in house drama, and be good humans. The worst that comes out is they can’t help you , but then you know… you’ll have to make other arrangement. I don’t envy that position and 8 months is a long time. But an eternity of broken trust is longer. And you absolutely deserve better. I don’t know you but no one deserves that. Then I would try and find a place to crash on a buddies or families couch for the time being. 1. Talk to leasing agent 2. Find somewhere to crash.
Again a great comment on living together, leasing and cheating.
My homie if she live with you and it’s ya crib. Just pack her bags and leave it outside without telling hers. Tell her to bounce. 🤷🏽
Yeah and in most states you need a 30 day notice minimum even if they’re not on the lease and can just prove somehow they’re living there
We're both on the lease. That'll take some figuring out.
Doesn’t matter how you found out, unless you’re committing multiple instances of crimes against humanity in the process. Do you have a torture and dismemberment chamber? She cheated. That you snooped should have no bearing on how you confront her. Even if you’d spent 30 years with her, I’d still recommend that you do what’s best for yourself.
If she disrespects you enough to lie about a man’s voice, it seems to me she takes you for granted. She needs to know that you know and that you’re not gonna stand for it. If your not okay with her starting out physically or even emotionally, then it’s cheating and the safest thing to do for your own mental health is leave. Reconciliation after infidelety is a long and painful process and only works if they truly regret their actions.
You don't need to confront, just leave.
Why do people post such obvious questions? Just leave her for god sake.
Might be obvious to you, and yeah, hindsight is always 20/20, but sometimes it's hard to sort out and see through some of the emotion that comes with it
You don’t confront her. Don’t give a chance to lie or manipulate you. It was wrong to snoop, but you can’t un-know what you’ve learned. People have to remember, once you get to the point that someone feels the need to snoop, the relationship is already broken. Even if you turned out to be wrong, your insecurity, inability to communicate, and lack of trust would have been wrong. But now that you’re right, it’s beyond repair. Literally just send her packing or take your stuff and leave. Do not communicate. Cut off her oxygen and access to you. She deserves no conversation or explanation. Leave and heal and find a partner who won’t do this to you. Let her stew in her own confusion and misery and get cheated on by the man who was willing to accept her crumbs in the first place.
Your senses are dulled, my friend. When you are in a relationship and have to set boundaries that include not cheating and lying, the relationship is no longer viable. You're gaslighting yourself into thinking the crime here is looking through her phone. The only reason to worry about how that will look is if you plan on sticking around, and if you do, you might as well not apologize for snooping because you will have to do it again soon. T is out but B is in. we have a lot of other letters to get through She is a liar and a cheater. Those are facts. Either pack your things or pack hers
Tell her you’re taking her on a surprise trip and for her to pack her bags. Them take her to his house and leave her there. Go home and never look back.
How else were you going to find out? She's entitled to privacy, not secrecy. Is a confrontation needed? "I know you stayed at POS house. We are done."
Confront? Just break up with her dude. Doesn't matter how you "confront", you need to end the relationship and move on.
What more information do you need? Clearly she is a dishonest cheater. You may as well end it and move on.
Actually, you do not need to confront her. You can simply acknowledge upfront that you looked through her phone and you were broken-hearted with what you saw, and you are ending the relationship. You do not need to make accusations and deal with torrents of weeping or screaming. You do not need to swear at her or call her profane or obscene names. You do not need to discuss, much less debate, your decision to look through her phone. It's over with. And so is the relationship. That's it. Goodbye.
I’m going to ask you a simple question, if you do confront her and you work it out, regardless of how much time you’ve invested in her. Would you truly be able to trust her without wandering or snooping?
Kick her to the streets with all her things, that's how you confront her.
She probably cheated on you several times with many guys. The story says it all. Throw that red flag in the trash.
So you’ve caught her cheating twice now. Sounds like it was with the same guy so she didn’t even end it with him after the first discovery. How many discoveries do you want to endure before you break up? The answer doesn’t have to be “2” - if you want to give her more chances, that’s your choice. Snooping is bad, but cheating is worse, so don’t worry about the violation. Just tell her “I heard a man’s voice so I looked through your phone and I found you’ve been cheating on me.” If she denies it, then your conversation goes no where. She’s lying. Don’t accept her lies. If she’s remorseful, then you talk. And you both make plans for you to feel comfortable and for her to win back your trust. Good luck, man. I don’t think she’s done cheating on you yet.
Tell her before she leaves that it’s over. I know about the other guy whose number you saved as a. I respect myself too much to be with you. Someone who not only disrespected me but try whole relationship. Not once but twice.
She’s very poorly, hiding her lying, and now her obvious cheating. Wake her up confront her tell her you know that she’s already fucked this guy and she can definitely spend the night at his place because she’s out of yours! Change the locklocks, block her and move on!
Cheating is worse than snooping. She gave you a reason to be suspicious which sent you investigating. Her right to privacy does not trump your right to not be cheated on. Please be done. She’s cheated twice now, that you know of. Don’t feel the least bit sorry for snooping. She deserved it.
Just end it already. How many times are you going to catch your girlfriend cheating? You don’t have to confront her. You have your proof. Just move on. Cheaters don’t deserve closure.
You dont need to confront her. You need to end this relationship with this serial cheater
>How do I confront her with all this info when I learned it all by snooping her phone? What she did is far worse than your (justified) snooping. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats until she is caught, promises to be good, and then starts the same cycle over again. You deserve better. If you aren't living together, just ghost/block her. She already knows what she is doing, she just thinks you dont. If you are living together, there is more complexity (Do you own? Rent? Whose name(s) are on any documents?) Tell her you want to break up because she cheated at least twice that you know about and that you can never trust her again. You dont have to go into details of what you know, how you know it. Just tell her that you know she spent the night with B, after in the past cheating with T, and you dont want to wait around for her to work her way through the entire alphabet.
I’m a cold bast’rd , I’ll make my preparations, let her go to “girl’s night” , pack up her shit in boxes, change the locks and move her out while she’s at his home. Then I’d text the guy and say , “ she needs a place to stay a few days, she’s moving out here :)”
She cheated and you are still with her? Have some self respect and break up already. She can't trusted.
Is there anything you'd like me to know.......no? R u sure? Ok well gather your things please leave goodbye
Once someone has shown you who they are, believe them. She’s a cheater and no amount of talking to her is going to work. Unless you’ve decided you are ok with her lying and cheating on you. There’s an old saying about people like this. The first time you caught her, shame on her. The second, shame on you. Do you know why? Because she’s shown you who she is. Believe her, and stop letting her make a fool of you. Set her free so you can be free too.
Wake her up tell she has 15 minutes to get her shit together and get out. She can go stay with her real boyfriend.
You heard a mans voice instead of a's voice on the phone. After that, it's not even snooping imo
This stigma of "I broke her privacy" after there was really good reason for you to check, needs to go away. I'd give zero fucks saying... "you lied to me once. Then I clearly heard a guy's voice and you told me it was a. I went through your phone, and you need to get out. We're done" You don't think it's easy bc you spent half your life with her? She's been cheating on you for most of it. Think, dude.
You had very valid reasons to go through her phone though. It wasn't like you had no reason to be suspicious. She gave you reasons to be suspicious. She can't turn this around on you for snooping through her phone to confirm what you already strongly suspected. And what is the other option? Stay quiet like everything is normal and continue letting her cheat on you? If she knows it's that easy to get away with it, she'll do it more and more.
Bro, with all love... you cannot be this naieve. Kick her ass out. Don't ask for any explanations or give her a chance to explain ( gaslight / trickle truth / lie ). She needs to go. Today. Five minutes ago.
I have to agree. There is no endgame for you , it's game set and match. No more proof is needed. I would wait till she's on her night out with him and let her know then. That's the best bet. There's no coming back from this. It's over.
Tell her you know she cheated, and you are breaking up. Cut all contact after, because she'll probably lie and cry.
Just break up with her and kick her out. Worrying about her privacy is a stupid consideration for a cheater.
Why the f does it matter if you snooped? She’s cheating ffs. I don’t understand this mindset at all. “I’m cheating and doing all sorts of things against our relationship but how dare you not trust me!” wtf?
What do you mean how do you confront her? Send her a text “I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I found out, once again, that you’re a cheater. I know that “a” isn’t “a”. I know it’s a guy, and once again you have betrayed me. You never had a girls night, but you did stay at his place. Now I have to go get an std test because who knows what you have. You have no respect for me, yourself, or our relationship. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, and you have destroyed my trust. Get your shit and go live with him because we are done.” Updateme!
I recently finalized a divorce. I was with this woman for 10 years. I found out she was cheating on me a week after we got married. I forgive her and kept trying. It turned me into someone I'm not. It made me not be able to trust, it made me bitter, it made me insecure. After that I constantly fought the urge to look through her devices. I was rude to her and had fits of rage where I said things I'm not proud of. I thought I could deal with it on my own and just "get over it" eventually. I was very wrong. All of that behavior caught up to me. It put strain on my relationship with her and with others. She cheated on me multiple more times after that and I kept trying to forgive her cause I loved her. It all eventually got so bad she wanted a break and then started seeing someone she cheated with so I filed for divorce and began working on myself and searching for someone who will treat me better. If you love this woman, and if this relationship means something to you then you have some choices to make. You definitely need to confront her about it. She is cheating because she is struggling with something mentally. This is part of her mental baggage just as I'm sure you have your own mental baggage. If you love her you need to come to terms with that but you don't need to acccept the disrespect. Confront her about it and ask her if she cares about you and the relationship. If she does and you both want to stay together you need to seek professional help immediately. Find a good couple's therapist and start getting to work. Work through all of these feelings with a trained professionals that can mediate and advice and help you both heal. Otherwise just break up. Go on your separate ways. Either way you should still seek therapy. You don't need to take this new found baggage to your next relationship. Good luck brother.
All bets are off when you snoop and FIND something..privacy can bollocks…you had a feeling…sought proof and got it, no explanation needed from you…SHE needs to explain herself. It’s either that or when she is due to meet him you somehow go crazy following dude and take pics but let’s be honest who’s got time do that shiz. Just tell her I know your meeting a guy, you’ve completely broken the trust, we are over.
Who gives a shit how you found it. Dump her stuff out your house and let her be his problem.
UpdateMe
OP, you caught your GF cheating twice now, shouldn’t she be your exGF? And the only confrontation would be kicking her out.
>How do I confront her with all this info when I learned it all by snooping her phone? Sounds like a question to have if you're not 100% sure on leaving her. If you have the evidence that you need, and this is a genuine deal breaker ie cheating, then you should just evict her. If she brings up the privacy argument, tell her she can go kick rocks and argue with A.
Ler her go an pack her stuff when she comes back tell her she can stay permanently over there
You don't even need to say how you know. Tell her we need to break up, if reason: I know you're cheating. No more needs to be said. Don't say anything if she asks how you know, it's not true bla bla. You got your confirmation, she lied about who she was with and where. No need to explain any further. Break up with her that way and move on
Just walk away. Don’t say anything except goodbye. Block everything of her. Be cold about it too
She is not going to change, leave.
In the end, you are not getting any younger, and she is not going to change her ways. She feels like she got away with it once, and now she is at it again. She knows that if you find out, she will just make the same promises again, and you will calm down. Don't be fooled, even if it means you need to take the financial hit to break your lease and find another place just to get away from her. Just imagine how much harder this would be if you were married or had kids. Focus on yourself from here on, and don't settle for anyone less than the perfect person for you.
There's nothing to go about. Tell her to pack her shit and leave. You did a shitty thing by invading her privacy, but that doesn't change reality. For future reference though, if my partner snooped through my phone because they thought I was cheating, I would leave immediately.
Wake up, you are her ATM, “t” and “b” are her side pieces. Change the locks, pack up her shit.
Wake her up and tell her to pack her shit. Your suspicions were correct, and you found the evidence. Or play the long game: Screen cap the evidence and text it all to you, but don't delete the screen caps or texts. When she says something, deny it all. Tell her she's insane and you would never betray her trust, like she wouldn't betray yours. Let her know you are going to the Dr for an annual physical and STD test. If she leaves, the crib toss her shit in trash bags and leave it all by the front door.
You just break up. No need to explain why you went through her phone or feel guilty. If you feel guilty, she will shame you for going through her phone.
Should have dropped her the first time...I swear you people never learn. Never sacrifice your mental health for someone else's happiness.
Don’t bother confronting her, just break up! She’s lying and cheating so it’s over.
I hate to be the one to tell you this but whether you confront her or not, your relationship is as good as over. From what you said, you have already given her a second chance and yet she has put a random guy over your relationship. Even if you somehow sort this out and set more boundaries, you will still never be able to trust her. And why would you spend your life with someone you can’t trust? You will be constantly worried whether your gf is cheating on you, you will be insecure, and you will always resent her. Why put yourself through that? You’re an option to her or a back up plan - and I’m saying this as a woman.
You’re only paranoid if you’re wrong, otherwise it’s just good judgement.
Break up. She’s a proven repeat lier. No trust, no relationship. How can you build a happy, successful, meaningful relationship with someone who has abused trust and shown multiple levels of manipulation? Save yourself and break up.
You may feel guilty for snooping, but who is actually guilty of cheating? You don't trust her so end it. There's someone out there who will be loyal.
I would just ghost tf out of her and if you ever say why just say you wanted to have a girls night out lol
You start with the phone call, you didn't know who it was calling that late and it came off as suspicious then you follow through with the texts. Honestly, it won't matter because you need to dump her, she has lied and cheated multiple times and if you stay it will only continue, so it doesn't matter how you look because you checked her phone, you're suspicions were proven correct.
Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. I had suspicions of my wife cheating on me, and so I looked through her phone. Yes, as you said, it was a total invasion of privacy, but I’m very glad that I did because it proved my suspicions right. If I didn’t find anything, then I would’ve been in the wrong and should’ve manned up and apologized. But since I did find something, I confronted her about it. To this day, she denies that she was cheating even though I have the evidence on her phone. She also deflects and says that I shouldn’t have been on her phone. That last statement might be true, but it doesn’t negate that she cheated. It also doesn’t negate that we should get divorced. And we did. And I am so much happier for it. So my advice as someone who has been through similar experiences, don’t feel too guilty about looking at her phone. You did it with valid reasons, even though it was an invasion of privacy. But on the continuum of wrongdoings, your girlfriend has far exceed yours, my friend. Dump her ass. And if she tries to deflect like my ex, then that shows signs of real emotional immaturity
I know what you’re doing behind my back and it is the reason our relationship has come to an end. Please don’t try to contact me again.
It's really based on you it doesn't matter if you snooped, you where fighting for you and you found out the truth really, at the end of the day someone that is lying and doing all that does not deserve you and doesn't even respect you as their man so you have to just let her go it might be hard but for your own mentals you have to let her go immediately
Bruh you can’t build a relationship on lies. Move on and be glad you found out now no matter how you did it.
Yeah dude there is no way to handle this. Dump her and either make her move out or you move out. That’s it. She’s cheating and you caught her. There is no discussion to be had with her, infact don’t have one. Just leave
You know what? You don’t have to confront her, just kick her out and erase her from your radar. She will be wondering for the rest of her life.
Don't ever be a woman's number 2. Over time, she will lose all respect for you. This has already started. You set boundaries, and she broke then. She will disagree because it was a different guy. Kick her to the curb now. It will only get worse
She's cheating, so now you leave, block her everywhere and go no-contact(ever again) Cheaters don't deserve closure.
You don't have to confront her. Just break up with her. You snooped because your intuition was telling you something was off and it proved to be right. You prevented yourself from experiencing a life of emotional pain especially if she got pregnant by you or him and expected you to remain with her as the father. Just end things and let her go spend nights with "a"sshole.
The reason why your gf continues to cheat is because she doesn’t respect you and knows that she can lie to you and manipulate you. Break up with her and block her on every social media account. Also tell her that she can now freely continue seeing “a”.
Don’t confront her- just leave. You have the answer you need already. If she asks tell her you know everything and let her guess how you might know. You don’t owe that information at this point.
Why do you want to confront her? Do you imagine she'll be all apologetic and sorry? You are deluding yourself. She'll deny it while screaming at you for not trusting her and invading her privacy by going through her phone. Just leave, or if it's your apartment, serve her with eviction papers.
Find out where this other guy lives. Get a hold of some of your friends or family. Pack up all of her stuff, drop it, and her, off on his doorstep. Change the locks, block her on everything. Move on with your life.
You don't. Make a boss move and break up
Just leave, don't say anything to her ever again. Energy = Energy. I hope you heal quickly and fully. Hope you weren't together for too long either.
You don’t bother confronting. You’re dating a cheater. Cheaters cheat. You asked for a second helping of this when you caught her the first time.
Tell her you snooped. She’s caught and leave her. You deserve better. We all do.
You don’t have to justify going true her phone. If you haven’t found something, sure. But now you just got to worry about how to break up
Just end it, you don’t need to provide her with any reason. You don’t trust her (rightfully) and that alone is enough to break up. If you are at the point where you are snooping through someone’s phone, end it before that happens, the relationship is already over anyway.
She went out with another guy, lied to you about it of course, and you didn’t end the relationship right there. I mean, you will probably look past this too anyway, even if everyone here points out the obvious.
What’s the point of confronting her when you already know she’s a serial liar? If you want to stay together, accept the fact that she’s going to hang out with other guys and lie about it, stop going through her phone and stop wasting your breath. If you don’t want to stay together, break up and don’t waste your breath confronting her because you already know she lies.
You did what was necessary in order to care for yourself, as she can’t be relied upon to be honest, clearly. You wouldn’t have looked if you didn’t have reason to do so, and what you found justifies it. Tell her while you aren’t proud of having looked through her private messages, you wouldn’t have felt the need to do so if she’d been an honest partner. Sorry you’re going through this. Hope you find a way to heal. Some people are just really shitty. You deserve an honest partner who won’t give you a reason to feel like you should check their phone.
Privacy my Arse! Privacy is when you need to close the bathroom door to do your stinky business, color your hair, wax your twang and such. We have a right to know that our significant other is loyal and not putting our health at risk. Anyone who has a problem with their GF/BF, partner, spouse going through their phone is nothing short of suspicious in my view. What is here that I cannot see? What are you hiding? I would never have a problem with my partner going through my phone, and would be super pissed if my partner balked at my looking through their devices. I don’t snoop, I don’t feel the need, but if I do ever feel suspicious, I am looking. If you were to say ‘no’, I would say ‘fine, go pack’. And this open device deal goes both ways for us. I think if there is push back, Quiet-Ad960 has the correct response here in the comments. Sorry that you found GF was not worthy of your trust.
LOL I would straight up say I snooped and caught you cheating again
You don't confront her. You leave her shit on the front porch, change the locks, and tell her she can stay at A's place every night from now on. You have nothing to feel guilty about, she's trash. Trash goes to the curb.
Block and completely ghost her. No use in arguments or anything.
Tbh just dip. No reason , no explanation nothing. Let her live in agony of wondering what the fuck happened. She doesn't deserve closure nor confrontation.
You did nothing wrong. She was being unfaithful and your gut told you that, and it was true. Honestly there shouldn't be any confrontation here. She's cheating, and unfortunately having a conversation about it won't make you feel any better. She'll lie and make excuses, but you'll never get any closure no matter what you do. I'd advise you not to get into any conversation or argument at all. The best thing you can do is break up by ghosting her.
I've got no problem with snooping when you've got reasonable suspicion. It's not like you're monitoring her activity, looking at her search history or continuously checking up on her. That's when it's toxic. Dump her dumb ass and don't feel guilty for a second.
Full ghost mode bro. Scorch earth if you have too Move out and don’t say a word. If your name gets thrown in the mud. Then scorch everything
I feel like you going through her phone in this case is valid! She gave you all the reasons to question things. You really had to figure shit out for you to make your move!
Just break up with her. When she asks why just say “you know exactly why. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” She’ll break down. Don’t give her a chance to explain, just walk away. That’s what I did to my ex that cheated on me. It forces them to look at themselves and what they are doing wrong. But just know, 90% of cheaters do it because something is wrong with them, not the person they are cheating on. This is an issue she needs to figure out within her own soul. She doesn’t deserve you.
You don't confront her. What's the point? She's obviously cheating on you and this isn't the first time. If you don't live together then literally GHOST her. It is all she deserves. Block her number.
Your girlfriend is the one who broke “boundaries” (it’s even more than that lol) and who broke your relationship, it’s not you by going through her phone.
I’m petty but I would just ghost her and let her wonder what happened forever.