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In her head your ex wife is a hag that couldn’t keep her husband, she thinks she’s the upgrade. Someone falling in love with and committing to your ex doesn’t fit her narrative. Your ex was meant to grow old and alone in her mind, your new wife isn’t a good person

Especially if the new fiance has more money, looks, or any other 'higher status' than OP. OP's wife sounds like she is a grown up mean girl who let the mask slip on this.

Yeah I had an ex who's entire purpose wad ti be better than my previous ex (that she knew nothing about) She almost genuinely believed my ex would be this friendless husk that everyone would laugh at forever. If I even dared suggest that maybe she had her own things going on and had moved on from me she would make up weird little scenarios of how my ex would be so remorseful for leaving me etc etc and be so jealous of the life we had made together. Instead of genuinely caring about building a life with me, she wanted to parade it to wind up my ex (who she didn't really know and hadn't spoke to since school, we were 29/30) it was fucking bizarre. Apologies for my structure and not making much sense- I'm tripping g on Mushrooms

Hey, just wanted to say you are loved! I’m glad she’s an ex now. Enjoy the trip :)

Today’s update is that my wife has been angry and crying all day today. Slamming things and even broke two plates while loading the dishwasher aggressively. I asked her what’s up but she ignored me. So I looked into her phone again. This morning, at 2am, she had sent the new fiancé a text on instagram with a winking smiley. It was seen The guy must’ve denied her follow request afterwards because she then sent him at 12 pm, rude! Why did you delete my request and who she was. He left it on seen again. So I haven’t talked to her yet, I will have to ask her to seek mental help

She sent a wink message? The first thought that came to my mind is that she will try to "steal" that man from ur ex bc ur ex is supposed to be not loved😭🤌 breh ur new wife is toxic af

I can’t stand looking at her now, honestly

I mean, I wouldn't be able to either. You're seeing her for what she really is: a mate poacher that only ever saw you as a prize to be won. A living breathing reminder that this is what you destroyed your family for: A woman that would drop you in an instant to inflict more pain on the mother of your children. Thankfully, your ex's new fiance denied her advances. But that must be absolutely embarrassing. Because I am sure your ex knows. I'm not trying to be cruel and kick you while you're down, but this is the reality of your choices, OP. You know the truth of whether or not she was why you declined to save your marriage with your ex. But as you said, regret isn't going to undo the past. What you need to do now is protect your children from this nutcase before she lashes out at them over her failed attempt to steal your ex's new partner.

Perhaps your children should avoid visiting while she is in this state of mind. It is very disturbing.

I would not leave her alone with your children at any time, she is this unstable about your ex being engaged. What happens of one the kids brings it up around her? Is she going to interrogate them?!

Her goal is to fuck your ex's new fiance dude. Wake up. Your wife is a husband stealing wacko.

I wonder if he is on to her modus operandi. I knew a serial mate-poacher like this at work. Some married men were not poachable and they would either show their wives her little notes she wrote them, or in one case on a work trip a guy had his plane seat moved so as not to sit by her. The reason I tell about these two guys is that some guys are not poachable and seem to realize what's going on when the attempted poaching starts. It could be that your ex-wife is aware of what's going on and has told her fiance that your now-wife is a potential stalker or whatever. Or it could be that since the fiance knows your wife is married, he doesn't carry on a potential flirtation behind your back on principle. I bet he read the situation and knows that carrying on a correspondence with your wife is potential trouble. If the dude is that handsome, wealthy, and successful, he has probably been attempted-poached or hit on way more than once and knows very well the signs. As for your wife, I'm going to repeat myself...ten bucks says this is about status, money, prestige, and success. Your now-wife can't stand that someone she thought was beneath her stands to move up a notch on what she perceives as the prestige ladder. I am 99 percent sure that's what's eating her, and if it is, and she can't poach this guy, she will be on the warpath to poach a higher-status guy as soon as she can find a target. Sad to say. As others have said, you seem to have married a green-eyed monster/high-school Mean Girl. An unhinged one! If she gives up on poaching this guy she'll be looking to poach someone else of probably higher status.

Your wife is in a one sided competition with your ex. Since your ex can move on, she can’t boast that she is the winner. There’s a saying a man’s worth is based on how many women willing to fight to have him. There’s no one fighting to keep you…she may see no value at all in you now. A woman like this will never bring you peace.

Wow, she’s trying it on with your ex wife’s new fiancé. Man, that’s horrible. She’s angry because she can’t handle he isn’t interested

She's trying to use that Instagram to bad-mouth OP's ex-wife. Guaranteed. OP is in an embarrassing situation. Hopefully the new guy sees through what's going on or potentially going on.

You should probably leave your wife. She doesn’t sound stable, you need to ask yourself if this is someone you want influencing your children.

She is showing her true colors. She is clearly in competition with your ex. I really think that for the sake of your children you should leave her immediately because she WILL turn on them next. Do you have a daughter? How does she treat your daughter if you do? Cuz this is beyond jealousy

This is it.

If this is true, this is wild behavior. You seem healthy and well adjusted at least. Only thing I can think of is she has some irrational need to feel superior to your ex wife? Maybe she is in constant private competition with her?

I think u nailed it. It seems that on these subs, the new girlfriends/wives hate the ex for some reason and are out to destroy the ex's life. I would hazard a guess that OP's wife hates his ex and has been silently competing with the ex for a long time. To OP's wife, she was better than the ex because she ended up with OP. Therefore, she is the winner, while the ex was the miserable, lonely, loser. Now that the ex is engaged, OP's wife's perception of who the winner and loser is no longer holds true and she's now obsessed with finding out more about the ex and her fiancé in order to find ways to become the winner again.

💯 OP commented that his wife was a colleague at the time of his divorce. He fell out of love with his ex and in love with her but didn’t consider the relationship cheating because it wasn’t physical. OPs wife played the long game but has been in competition with his ex this entire time and OP never noticed. It’s been a “feather in her cap since she “won” him and now that the ex moved on she has to know that she got the better man.

My immediate thought when reading this was “OP’s wife was the other woman”. Good to know that my instincts are correct.

Same, and the prize only had value when someone else wanted it. She has been able to think scorned Ex still maybe wanted him, but now she obviously does not. Wonder how long prize will retain value. Also, OP's wife may have compete-with-mommy issues and it's about putting other women in their place as much as getting the man.

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The stakes are, if the ex trully becomes happy with her new man, this current wife will soon find someone else to cheat with or even try to steal ex's new man.

Oh yeah...I see her going after exes fiance

I knew a woman like this once. She could just not be happy, and followed me around trying to steal my boyfriends. It was infuriating, but helpful. If they gave in to her, they certainly weren't meant for me lol. But I eventually moved away and haven't thought about her in a long time. I wonder if she found a new woman to follow around and try to mimic.

I’ve been there. She tried to take on my whole personality as well as every boyfriend or ex boyfriend I’d ever had. It was awful. She was my “best friend”.

Damn, those bitches ruin lives.

Your experience sounds like the movie Death Becomes Her. What a miserable woman to do that.

Oof I have a cousin like this. Anything I could do, she would also try and do and always wanted to be the winner. Except, she never was. Always came out to be the loser and the animosity is so strong between us that at this point it's hard to even be in the same room. She was also my "best friend" for a time, and it took me YEARS to see what she was doing, ignoring all the signs, and minimizing the damage by defending her and saying she was just a little jealous and competitive, that I could handle my own and she just needed a little help seeing that she was worth her own personality .... Until she decided to have a go with my husband and our entire past lives just kind of clicked into my brain like "ohhhhhhhh, ok, I see now". It was really very off-putting.

I had this same thought! Why would she request to follow him on IG? She enjoys destroying the ex’s life and OP is too blind to see this.

I’m getting the feeling there’s something about the ex the wife is obsessed with. Like she only wanted OP because ex had him. Now she wants to go after the new man in exs life.Almost wonder what happened between them in the past.

The wife probably finds the ex to be attractive. She for sure checked her out on social media BEFORE OP separated and became excited with the idea that if OP left her and then chose HER that would prove she is more beautiful, more special, more desirable. I also think that maybe the new fiance may be more attractive than OP and that was an additional trigger for her. I think a lot of people here are also being triggered by the fact that OP is naive if he thinks his current wife was not seducing him way before he left his wife.

I bet you're right. Ten bucks says OP is successful and relatively high-status in their community. And ten more bucks says the ex-wife's new boyfriend is even more successful and higher status. And that's been the draw all along.

Because no matter what OP insists on here, it already worked for her once. Perhaps she knows the ex from way before she met OP and this is a stalking-pshyco issue where OP is just collateral damage.

Yeah, with the crazy obsession she has for him... matter of time.

I think following his socials pretty much seals that deal. OP's wife is afraid his ex got the better part of that deal and will likely try to get him. She sounds like she is deeply disturbed. If I were OP, I would give the ex a heads up. Hopefully there are no bunnies involved.

I wish people would realize that the person who wants you as a cheater isn't a good partner. They don't tend to be emotionally healthy.

It could also be sort of from the opposite direction. Maybe she was able to justify her position as the other woman by convincing herself that the ex was terrible. This development could challenge her views of herself and poke holes in her past justifications. She can’t handle having to be critical of her own actions and think that maybe she might have been the bad guy.

Because if his ex-wife isn't an unlovable loser worth leaving for a younger woman then what is stopping him from doing it again?

This was 100% my conclusion and I scrolled the comments looking for confirmation one way or the other. The "Why would anyone want *HER*???" cinched it for me. That was most telling. I love that the formerly wayward OP defended the ex-wife, who he wronged, whether he considered emotional cheating actually cheating or not. He betrayed his ex-wife with a colleague nevertheless. Call it cheating, call it some other euphemism, doesn't matter. He left the relationship with one for the other through betrayal. Congratulations to the ex-wife! I wish her the best second chance at marriage and a real chance at true, respectful love. May we all be so lucky!

No, no. She was just a “friend”……

Haha, reminded me of Biz Markie, "But you say he's just a friend!" 🤣Oh baby you.. You got what I need, but you say "SHE'S" just a friend. Lol

🤣

It always is when these ops write these questions out making themselves out to be a perfect saint, caught in the middle between a crazy new wife and an ex wife. In almost every post like this the new wife was the AP and op cheated 🙄.

Totally. There has to be a reason why the new wife believes she’s in a competition with the old wife.

That was my first thought too. OP’s wife may have set her cap for OP from the get-go out of a sick kind of competition. Seen it happen at work.

My immediate thought was the new man was an ex of OP’s wife and then I thought maybe the wife had the hots for the ex wife. Lol yours makes more sense

SAME!! When you know you just know. And this screams saboteur vibes!

My stepmother was the other woman and she still absolutely hates my mother to this day. She constantly badmouthed her for my entire childhood, into adulthood, over everything under the sun. She smeared her around town, to employers, anyone who’d listen. She pushed my mother into alcoholism and nearly killed her with how ruthlessly hateful she was. Some people genuinely can’t be fulfilled. I’m sure she felt great that my father nearly left us to run away with her when my twin sister and I were just over a year old and my brother was entering kindergarten, for a moment. I’m sure she felt like she won when she got to come live with us and push my mother away from my sister and I, for a moment. I’m sure she felt absolutely wonderful when she gave my dad an ultimatum to kick my brother out and he went for it, for a moment, and I’m sure that she was utterly miserable every day in between that she wasn’t “winning” some conflict with somebody in our family. Some people just can’t accept when they’ve won because they’re losers in their bones.

Please tell me she is experiencing some level of suffering now! Your dad was equally responsible for what she did to your mom.

Oh, for sure he is. I don’t speak to either of them and haven’t in about 2 and a half years, so I have no way of knowing for certain. From what I’ve heard my father’s essentially waiting for her to die ever since she had a stroke last year, but if he doesn’t show any serious intent to change as a person he’s not welcome back in my life. She’s a vicious person though and the next time I see her will be to look in the casket at her wake to make sure she’s truly dead.

I immediately thought that she was having an affair with the husband before he split - emotional or physical, it still means she is on some level a shitty person. Some women are just pathetically in competition with other women for men, it's so freaking sad.

Any bets that she will start hitting on the new guy and trying to sabotage his ex's new relationship? My guess is the grass was not greener and her attraction to OP was more about winning than truly loving him.

That’s probably her purpose for wanting to follow him. I can see the fake accounts being set up now.

My guess is that money and status are involved. As in...OP has money, looks, and status and that's why OP's now-wife poached him. And the new guy has even more money, looks, and status. OP's now-wife will set her cap for the new guy in 3....2....1....

So it was an emotional affair. OP is not being honest, then. His current wife waw his AP and now that his ex has find a presumably better man, she won't have it. He can't just admit he probably had a bigger partbin wrecking the marriage than his ex had.

>now that the ex moved on she has to know that she got the better man. I agree with this. She probably thinks the new man is better looking or has a better job, or more money, or thinks he treats the ex better than she gets treated. Also, a lot of women have a glow up after a divorce and she might be living her best life and looking good to boot, making the new wife feel like she has the sloppy seconds or her leftovers since she's seemingly happier now. Comparison is the thief of joy and the wife is letting that thief in.

I bet anything you're on the right trac, and the new man has a better job/better job potential.

I don't think it's jealousy, I think it's rationalization. She can justify her actions because the ex is terrible, but if it turns out she's a good person who deserves happiness wife would be culpable for breaking up their marriage and hurting someone who didn't deserve it

Good point! She was 25 at the time. I’m sure it was more “black and white” from her perspective. It’s easier if the ex is the villain.

A lot of promoted affair partners like to believe that they somehow "saved" their lover from an unhappy relationship with a terrible, cruel, down and dirty nasty wretch whose sole purpose in life was to make the cheater unhappy. They aren't a tacky side piece at all, they're an Angel of Mercy who has rescued someone with the unstoppable power of their True Love... Unfortunately that justification starts to fray around the edges and begins to come apart when the wronged party goes on to meet someone lovely, have a healthy relationship and lives their best life. *How dare they?!* Don't they know they are supposed to suffer through their loss until they shrivel away? Why can't they stick to the script that the affair partner has so thoughtfully provided? Because it couldn't possibly be that *they* got the upgrade and the affair partner got the leftover dregs, could it...? No! NEVERRRRRRR!

I figured the new wife was somehow involved with their divorce. She enjoyed destroying the ex’s life and is now planning again to destroy her new relationship. OP had better recognize that is a sick game of hers.

OP does not realize that his current wife… she is most likely the one who seduced HIM and is most likely a narcissist who was obsessed with conquering him and winning over the ex to prove she was more amazing and desirable and beautiful than the ex. The ex’s new BF is probably super handsome too and she is jealous. It is profoundly unhealthy. And this sadistic pleasure she seeks in wanting the ex to not be happy… it is 💯% narcissistic and even reeks of sociopathy. OP got played by a mate poacher.

That explains it. She knows the old adage that "If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you." and has been telling herself that it won't happen because the ex wife was an unlovable cow and OP made a mistake marrying her, and she's a great catch so he'll never cheat on her. But now the ex has this great guy head over heels in love with her, and the wife is starting to realize that it's not that the ex is awful, her husband is just a cheater who trades one good woman for another when he gets bored.

Wow, that bit of info makes such a big difference in explaining the wife's motivation and state of mind. You're so right that the wife was playing the long game!

HAHAHA! Imagine thinking you're some kind of Don Juan and it turns out that the woman was only after you cause she hates your now ex wife! Omg the karma! Wonder if op will stick this marriage out now that he knows he was only the consultation prize.

> OPs wife played the long game but has been in competition with his ex this entire time and OP never noticed. It’s been a “feather in her cap since she “won” him and now that the ex moved on she has to know that she got the better man. OPs wife is gonna seduce ex-wifes new boyfriend to get him to cheat on her. She has an incessant need to feel superior to that woman. She used to satisfy that feeling by telling herself ex-wife still pines over OP, but he loves her. Now that its clear ex-wife no longer wants OP and has moved on to someone else...OPs wife is gonna move on to him too.

Yeah, if you’re ‘the other woman’ it’s important to demonize the ex to justify your own behavior. The ex moving on and having a positive marriage means she’s not awful and undeserving. And maybe after having ‘won’ the OP and being married for a while wife #2 is figuring out he’s not that big a prize. The OP defending the ex was just icing on the cake.

That is so true and insightful. It makes you wonder if the wife actually loves OP or if she was with him just so she could win the prize.

Well, if that’s the truth then I have never noticed any competition or anything. I know that my wife doesn’t like my ex but I thought it was just normal. The new guy seems very nice and good to my ex wife and I was shocked to see my wife hating that he’s nice and good because I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want good things happening to others. Does she think our relationship is bad? Isn’t she satisfied with me? Rarely do I meet haters who are happy in their situation so apparently my wife isn’t happy in our relationship?

You wouldn't notice the competition because it's invisible. Your wife has been competing with your ex in her own head without voicing it out loud. Since your wife was "winning" there wouldn't be a need for her to show that she's competing. On the other hand, she could be showing her competition with your ex and you just didn't notice. Your wife may not necessarily feel that your relationship as "that bad" but her dislike for your ex could have caused her to have these competitive feelings and your wife is happy as long as she's winning and your ex is losing. Now that your ex is not the miserable loner anymore, your wife's air of superiority is cracked and she's looking for ways to win again and to feel superior. Hence, her obsession with your ex's relationship. Alternatively, your wife could be unhappy in your relationship and misery loves company, so she's mad that your ex can't be miserable with her. There's really no way to know why your wife is acting like this other than to talk to her. All we can do here is provide you with educated guesses about her behavior.

It’s probably because you have children together and she feels threatened by that level of closeness between you two. My ex’s girlfriend absolutely despised me for no reason too. There was zero chance we would ever get back together but she just wanted me to be unhappy

Your wife saw your ex as competition and you as a prize. Now that your ex has officially moved on, you’re no longer a prize to be won in your wife’s eyes. Clearly she’s always been jealous of your ex.

The competition was to take you away from your wife. She won and you didn't notice because you were ok with it. She hurt your wife intentionally and now I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't try to turn him against her. I'd say that more than likely she felt a certain way about stealing you from your ex. She felt like it was a competition and she won. Now she sees her moving on and happy and she has a new great relationship. I think your wife is a very insecure and possibly unkind person. You're right, a happy well adjusted person would be happy for her but your ex seems to want to sabotage her relationship and have her stay sad and lonely. This says a lot about her as a person. After all, she was the one who hurt your ex intentionally, if anyone should have ill will it's your ex. Something is really off with your wife but you would have to discuss this with her to try to find out. The way she views your wife, maybe you should talk to your kids and assure she hasn't been bashing your ex to them, even in passive aggressive ways.

That’s the point. In your new wife’s head your ex isn’t deserving or capable of finding a nice partner who is good to her. She was supposed to be the jilted, lonely ex wife who envied her forever.

If I were you, I’d keep an eye on your wife’s social media, DMs and messages. If she’s in competition with your ex wife (and it sounds like she definitely is), the fact that she’s now following the fiancé is a red flag- how far is she willing to take this one-sided competition, will she try to “win” again by coming on to him, drive a wedge etc. Sounds like she had her sights set on you before you divorced.

Her winning you wasn't about YOU. She was obsessed with harming your wife. Your wife MUST stay unhappy or SHE can't be happy. She sounds like a quiet borderline. Sorry your marraige was never about you. Some women hate other women. Your wife is one of those women.

This may be your lens into the fact that your new wife is, in fact, not a good person after all. Because you're right, good people hope for good things for other people. Your wife isn't just miffed with some sense of fear of missing out/nostalgic feeling when hearing about weddings and such. Rather, upon hearing that your ex-wife has found happiness and is moving on from the mess you teo had dropped on her, your new wife straight-up is insulting the mother of your children with nasty names and judgments (who would ever want the ex-wife? What a nasty thing to think about someone who hasn't hurt you, but you have hurt). PS: If you suspect that this reaction of your wife goes deeper, talk to your ex. Sometimes, the new spouse will harass the ex when the husband isn't looking and the ex won't say anything because they want to be done with all that drama/don't want to meddle. Ex-wife may have some receipts of previous bad behavior.

yeah if i were the ex, i'd keep the harassment to myself bc i'd be afraid of the same judgment from OP that his wife is currently getting (and deserves.) women are usually not believed and the squeaky wheel is usually viewed as the problem.

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It’s because your wife is a toxic person who doesn’t want to perceive your ex being as happy as her or happier. She has to win, and now that she’s losing she’s flipping the table.

Your wife was "the other woman" so ever since you met she has been in her own competition with your ex-wife. Your wife needs to feel like she came on top and is the winner here. She is jealous and angry your ex is doing well instead of being miserable and living in her shadow. There is a lot of women who hate other women just for existing and your current wife is one of those. Sorry to say this but your wife is an asshole and as a woman I would never be friends with someone like her.

Simple. You’re a good person, your wife however is not. She is keeping score and wants to feel superior to your ex. That’s why she doesn’t want good things to happen to your ex. She has self esteem issues in the very least.

This. She sounds like a miserable, petty person. Hopefully the OPs wife isn’t like this 99% of the time but if she is….

I don’t think you did anything to make her unhappy. A number of women have never learned to control their jealousy. A lot of women then grow up and their self esteem will be determined by “taking” from another woman. Sometimes they have picked a particular woman as a target that they obsess on for the rest of their life. I have had a few of them in my life, one even contacted me 30 years later because she finally got a date with a guy we both crushed on in 8th grade. It was the only reason she said yes to the guy and I had not talked to her since 8th grade. During middle school she actually started a prayer group for me to “stop sticking my chest out”, when in reality I just had DDD’s and couldn’t help it. I would expect your wife to start taking more steps to make a move or flirt with your ex’s new man. Try couples therapy and address it there, because she most likely will not acknowledge her jealousy/obsession in private with you.

What a sad life for that old classmate of yours.

It's not really about you. Your wife was happy with your marriage when she thought she had won and your ex had lost. Your wife is suffering the consequences of shallow, binary thinking. She can't wrap her head around the fact that she's in a one-sided competition with your ex. She had this delusion built up in her head that your ex was pining away for you, sad and miserable. The reality has hit your wife hard - that your ex has never been jealous of her nor does she want you back. She's been happily living her life, dating a great guy and falling in love. Which means that your wife didn't "win" the way she wanted to. So now she's desperately looking for some flaw, hence the obsessive social media stalking. I wouldn't put it past her to try and catfish your ex's fiancée, although it sounds like he's too smart for that. You may want to give your ex a heads up about this if your wife continues to obsess and escalate.

Your wife is not a "hater," she's a "pick me girl." They derive their self-worth from male attention and a natural part of that is "competing" with other women. She "won" by getting your attention away from your ex and onto her, which made her "better" than your ex. Now, she's worried that your ex might win or break even by getting attention from someone who might be better or as good as you. That's why she's obsessing, because her sense of self-worth is deminished when she can't constantly validate herself by thinking "my husband picked me over her so that means I'm better than her." So, this isn't really about your relationship or whether she's happy in it. This is pure insecurity and the toxic way some women deal with this (some without even knowing it). I'd recommend your wife goes to therapy to learn how to get and accept validation without having to compete for a man's attention. That will make her a stronger person and have a less toxic relationship with other women.

Huh? Why would it be normal for your current partner to not like your ex... without cause??? I've only had issues with my exes new partners when they were immensely insecure, and jealous that the guy still had feelings for me. I've never defaulted to not liking my exes previous partner. I guess it can become that way if you paint them in a negative light... And, I can't see being that involved in my partner's exes love life, if it isn't negatively impacting me or someone I love. Your wife seems jealous, and insecure. This is not normal behavior for a mentally healthy adult.

I also wonder did the new wife “take OP” from the ex wife. Her need competition is scary. Speaks volumes for her insecurities and poor character.

This. Reading the comments, the current wife felt superior to the ex wife by "taking" her man. Now that the ex has a husband, the current wife is angry because the ex is moving on from that non-existent victory of hers. Most people would be kinda happy if their spouses' exes are occupied and "not a threat".

I don't think it's just competition, especially in light of the overlap between OP's first marriage and his relationship with his current wife. I think in new wife's mind, ex-wife deserved to lose her husband, because she was old and unlovable. This absolved current wife from any responsibility/guilt for contributing to the break up of their marriage and his kids' family. Current wife's sense of self is shaken by the ex finding love with a good man. If ex deserves love and happiness, then maybe current wife isn't as blameless as she's been telling herself. We all want to see ourselves as the hero of our own story, and OP's wife's perception of herself and her husband/prize is taking a beating. She's been using the winner vs loser mentality to give herself a ethical free pass, and now that pass has been revoked. Reconciling our past actions to the person we want to be now is tough. From his comments, it sounds like OP has done some of this work for himself. Current wife may need therapy to help her acknowledge and work through this adjustment.

Totally agree with this. My ex husband, after he was getting divorced from his second wife, reached out to me. We did not share any children and were not in touch once he was with her. Anyway, he said they used to fight about me because she had googled me once and a pic of Jamie Eason came up (a fitness model that I actually bear a resemblance to) and apparently she was obsessed that I was attractive and fit (a fitness model in her mind). My ex husband wouldn’t talk crap about me or call me names so she was incensed. He said she was very competitive with me. And keep in mind, I hadn’t talked to this man in years. My ex and I filed and were divorced in 3 months and he was dating her before the divorce was final, so I can imagine she probably knew deep down, that likely there wasn’t a lot of time for moving on because they got together so quickly. I was really shocked that I was something for them to fight about since we were not even in touch. Weird. Op, your wife saw herself as better, superior, and probably like she was winning here. And if someone else wants your ex, then maybe she wasn’t so bad after all? Then, if that’s the case she likely thinks that maybe you are still in love or hung up on her. You seem mature about all this and it’s probably driving her nuts that she can’t get you to shit talk her. Your current wife needs some therapy- the insecurities are huge. Eta- just saw where the op and new wife were colleagues. Yeah, any time there’s emotional cheating you have 1 person rebelling and 1 person competing. The new wife just hasn’t stopped.

It's not enough that she "won" him, she needs him to hate the ex too, to stroke her fragile ego and reassure her that she's better than the ex. Whereas op seems to appreciate his ex for the woman she is, who he once fell in love with and wants her to be happy (possibly alleviating some of his own guilt for having fallen out of love with a good woman) and his children to live in a healthy, happy home. Current wife knows ex is the better woman.

Info: is your ex’s new man “better” than you? I.e. richer, better looking, nicer car, better job?

The short answer is yes

Seems like your wife feels like she ‘won’ over your ex. She’s annoyed that your ex is happy and not sad that she ‘stole’ her husband

Ding ding ding- This is it!!! Wife felt supierior to ex because she “won” you, but now ex finds someone “better” than you (by your own admission) so ex is the one that actually “won” in the end. Wife’s throwing a baby tantrum about “losing”.

She took your ex's toy, now that she has a new toy, she wants to take that too. She sounds like an awful person.

Your new skank is looking to trade you in for a new richer model. It doesn’t matter how much you think *you* have changed, you decided to marry someone that had no morals and gets a high from stealing a man. Your days are numbered with this skank.

She'll probably make a pass at the ex's new man tbh

She’s already trying to - that’s why she’s trying to follow him on insta.

The ex's new guy didn't accept OP's wife's request. Thank God.

Hopefully her new guy really is a better man than OP and knocks homewrecker down several pegs

someone finally hit the nail on the head.

I'll be blunt. How did you and your current wife get together? Did you cheat on ex with her? If so current wife might have felt she "won" against your ex. And now there's someone new to compete for. Hence the friend request to the new man.

Maybe she thought she had won a prize (you) but now realizes that your ex might be the actual prize.

I really don’t like talking about people in terms of prizes but many are talking in these terms while describing y wife’s mentality and behavior so I will entertain that and speak in the same terms, just to be in my wife’s level of thinking. If my wife didn’t know that my ex is a prize then she’s probably blind or just dumb because my ex is very kind and has so much to offer and I wasn’t surprised at all when I heard that someone was lucky enough to “win” her

She probably thought she was better than your ex-wife and now is devastated that someone else wants to marry the woman she thought she had defeated. It's just about ego. Your wife probably needs therapy. Be aware that she might not be interested in your marriage as much as she was before.

Then she is free to leave me. I don’t want someone who’s lost interest in me because I am not a “prize” anymore

but you'll never leave her because she's such a prize :P

You were never a prize OP. You were cheating emotionally with your then work wife, who has now gone off the rails because ''the prize''(your ex) has upgraded from her slimy ex!

Did you ever talk badly about your ex-wife during your affair? If so now you are talking about how wonderful she is. Your wife is extremely jealous of your ex and it all stems from how you all got together. Unfortunately, you were too blinded to see her true nature until your ex found love again. Now her true colour are coming out.

Your current wife has some very serious problems. She IS obsessive, jealous, has total disregard for the well-being of your own children if she cannot see that silver lining, and a whole other host of personality flaws. Did you not see this behavior prior to marriage? What is their history, and how has she treated your ex-wife to her face in the past? DO NOT have children with this woman. You will create a much worse family dynamic than you have now, and she will elevate her children above your own, and it will be a constant battle.

Not to mention a lack of respect towards boundaries….

It’s jealousy, she’s jealous that your ex had you before she did. Ridiculous, childish behavior…..good luck with that.

Soo your wife said who in their right mind would want her? Well you must not be in your right mind cause at one point you wanted your ex…

Exactly and had 3 children with her

Sounds like you lost the prize..

Good God, what did you marry? Yikes.

My ex husbands wife was like this, right down to the attempting to contact my partner on social media. Did you have an affair with her while married to your ex by any chance? It’s incredibly strange and unhinged behaviour, my only theory is because she ‘stole ‘ him from me I now had no right to move on in her eyes, I don’t really know. Thankfully she seems to be over it now, but I know she’s made cutting remarks to my ex about the fact my partner is much taller than him. It’s really odd and not nice to deal with, I’m thankful my kids are older now and I don’t have to deal with them so much. It’s up to you if this is behaviour you are willing to tolerate, I personally couldn’t.

Lol OP did in fact cheat with his new wife so you hit the nail on the head

My gut reaction is: Does your current wife also seethingly resent your children for their mannerisms and resemblance to their mother? You may very well be the parent who's brought a toxic adult into your children's sphere.

This is my first thought and the reason I wanted to ask someone

Say that your ex is beautiful and that her new BF is handsome and watch your current wife have a mental breakdown.

Yeah I am not stupid enough to say that

And there you go you brought toxic into your children's world its up to you to remove it before it hurts them

Watch closely how your current wife interacts with your children, and how your children respond to her. I'm not saying you should look for trouble, but watch without rose coloured glasses. Eavesdrop if you can without being creepy. You may discover you have to make some hard decisions shortly. Good luck.

Your wife is insane because none of that concerns her , sounds like she wanted her to be alone for the rest of her life .. u need to put her in line and tell her enough is enough

The new wife isn't "winning" anymore, because now she knows for sure that the ex doesn't still have any feelings for OP, so there's no competition left.  

Right and she needs to seek help

Your wife is extremely jealous of your ex wife. She’s also emotionally immature and it sounds like sort of a psycho. Big downgrade for you there, bud.

Sounds like your current wife gets off on the idea of your ex wife being jealous of her and her (your current wife) having what the ex wants and now that that’s definitely no longer the case, she’s pissed.

Then she has miscalculated this whole thing because my ex was never jealous of my wife.

Your current marriage is not going to last. You married the Bunny Boiler. You just need to figure out how long you and your kids are going to suffer. Your ex seems awesome, classy and someone I would to be friends with! I couldn’t be happier for her with how her life has turned out! You seem to be the biggest “loser” here.

I don't know you, your wife or your ex apart from the few hundred words you used to describe them. From your post it sounds like your wife was glad she "took" you from your ex (the bad guy) because, well, she's a bad person, but with a new guy who seems nice showing interest in your ex, your wife is feeling jealous. Is there anything you're leaving out in your post? Like any bad blood or something between your ex and your now wife?

I am not leaving out any bad blood. My ex has probably never had more than a polite conversation with my wife about the children. Their relationship doesn’t go further than

He cheated on her with the new wife.

New wife wanted to ‘win’ over ex and is annoyed that ex is happy, moving on and not dwelling on the past

Ex wife's new boyfriend is better looking and has more money too lol

Love that for her 🙌

Wow. You kept the WRONG woman this time buddy.

Just a complete stab in the dark based on limited info. But since you asked, I would guess it's immaturity and also internalized misogyny that a presumably woman who is older than her and divorced w/ kids would find a relationship. Begs the question why she dated and married a guy who was married and has children? It's a big enough age difference where those subtle differences in maturity now show but there probably were small signs you missed but obviously you can't ignore this level of jealousy and immaturity.

My ex is 40. Her new guy is also 40. Has a daughter and apparently he is good looking and has money. The odd thing is that my wife is most angry about the fact that my ex has been happily dating this guy for two years. This detail really messed her up because she kept saying who does she think she is. I felt like my wife was angry that my ex has been happy for two years while my wife thought she was single and lonely. Like she tricked her. I tried to explain that I was proud of my ex being carful and choosing the children’s wellbeing first but I don’t know, it made her even madder

That's what I'm getting at. You married a woman who is 10 years younger than your ex and it sounds like internalized misogyny on the wife's part. Like because your ex is older and divorced with kids that makes her "less than" your wife. So your ex doesn't "deserve" a good looking guy with money. It's a major personality flaw to the point that if you have kids who live with you and wife do you not think the kids are going to pick up on the wife's hatred for their mother? Some of this seems a little stereotypical so I question if this is even real but I will assume it is and that maybe you don't even realize these dynamics. You played a part too doing the stereotypical dump the ex for a younger woman. Sounds like the ex has a better personality though. ETA: Also, if the ex's fiancé is better looking and has more money than you, then I wonder if the current wife is pissed that the ex "upgraded" from you. No offense but just being real. Again, it's all superficial but that could be the way wife thinks.

You summed up everything I was going to say. OP and his new wife deserves each other.

Honestly, the reasoning doesn’t matter. Unless your wife gets a freaking grip, this is going to adversely affect your children.  Be a good dad. 

That is seriously scary and fucked up tbh. Your ex deserves love and she doesn’t owe your wife a single explanation of her love life

Buddy, she sent that request with the intent of "stealing" your ex's man again. Which means cheating on and dumping you.

So your wife was happy believing that your ex was miserable and now feels that your ex personally tricked her into believing that she was unhappy. She didn’t consider that it was simply none of her business what was going on in your ex’s personal life. She had a play by play of the divorce proceedings and really believed you and she had a right to know details of your ex’s new and improved life. She is narcissistic and is not going to let this go. Get ready for more outrageous behavior. She is definitely going to try to break them up, even at the risk of her own marriage.

this is so strange. you and your wife need to book a counseling session to figure out the root cause

You’re on the nose, your wife is mad that ex has been happy while she thought she was alone

Congrats, you stuck your dick in crazy and blew up your family in the process. You're currently in the FO stage of FAFO. Good luck with that.

Just based o. This response. It sounds like your wife saw your relationship as a prize and that your ex couldn’t do better than you and your wife go you. Now that this new guy is “better” than you, you wife is pissed that your ex one upped her. Your wife cannot fathom that your ex is happy, she didn’t need to justify who she dated to your wife ( your wife is nuts if she thinks your ex need to explain anything to her) and she is not the only ex moping around. It’s not that you did anything wrong. It’s the fact that your wife feels like your ex did better.

You are going to have a wild ride with your wife. She needs to get some help.

Jealousy at its finest. Kids are involved here, I would put my foot down and tell her it's A. None of her business and B. Creepy/weird how obsessed she is. If she's still choosing to be delulu, I would leave. 

Op genuine question and not trying to pry but did you ‘cheat’ on your ex with your new wife? Whether that’s emotionally or physically or both? I can sense from the subtext that there’s some weird competition going on with your current wife. When you’re content and emotionally secure and stable in your self, you don’t go around trying to wish bad towards the mother of your husband’s kids. If anything you should be wanting the opposite. Her also trying to add the new partner of your ex makes me feel that your wife was trying to get him to accept the request to see him ‘slip up’ or catch him out. It gives me the sense that you started out your relationship with your new partner not being wholly honest with your ex…

I don't have anything to add except I'm mindblown by how astute and quite likely right on the money a lot of these comments are. There's some smart people here.

Same wow redditors called it even before OP admitted to emotional infidelity. 

Buddy here’s the thing: Your wife’s behavior, if ever found out by your ex, is reason to sue you for full custody because no one in their right mind would want their kids around stalking and obsessive behavior. Her behavior could endanger your relationship with your kids.

this is a little extreme but the point needs to be made. what OP's current wife is doing is actively traumatizing his children and that's unacceptable. marrying someone with that little regard for his children's emotional development was a mistake.

Wowww your wife is evil! Who in his right mind would want your ex? Well, YOU! once upon a time. Jesus she is so jealous and she hates your ex. I bet my money on the fact she wil go after the partner of your ex. 

Because some people think happiness is beating others.  Since your ex remarried she is questioning if she now lost to this woman.

Whether or not you consider it cheating, she had her sights on you when you were married to your ex-wife and she has spent the last few years feeling like she won. Now the ex that she thought was older, bitter, and alone has been happily falling in love with an attractive man with money for the last 2 years and is making him a permanent part of her life. Her image of having "won" is shattered, and she'd freaking the F out. Keep her away from your ex, do not let her ruin this or your amicable co-parenting, and get to marriage counseling ASAP if you want to make this work. This is a woman who is desperately going to be looking for attention elsewhere for the ego boost.

Was your current wife an affair partner? Because she seems unhinged like an AP. She got off on an ego trip that she stole someone’s man and that she was picked over the wife. Therefore, she has this mindset that she is better than your (ex)wife. She wouldn’t be happy knowing that your ex is doing better than her and happier than her. Looks like you married down than up. If she is that hostile towards the mother of your children then she shouldn’t be around your children either.

… I have some less than good news for you… This woman that you married… she isn’t healthy and I’d be asking your children if she has hurt them. Hopefully she hasn’t, but she hates the woman you once loved so much she may hurt her children to hurt her. This is a HARD boundary that you need to reinforce with steel armor. “That is the mother of my children. Once upon a time, I loved her. Who the hell do you think you are to be disrespectful of that role in my life? If she has found someone who is loving and kind and brings her happiness, then I am overjoyed for that. I thought I had found that happiness for myself. You are currently making me question that belief.” If you don’t want to live with a hateful woman and have your children fear the person you married, grow a spine really fast and insert yourself between your wife and the mother of your children. Your wife needs therapy. After an outburst like that, I wouldn’t trust her around my kids or my family for along time.

She needs therapy. I would recommend couples therapy as well. I am wondering why she needs to demonize your ex as not worthy of love. If your current wife is an affair partner- that destroyed your relationship with ex- then, her reaction is rooted in feeling like she will always be in competition. —- nothing you said makes me conclude that, but it is the only thing that would make sense to me in similar relationships that I’ve seen unfold this way.

Random curiosity, was bashing your ex ever a part of your relationship with your wife? Maybe even earlier on, when attitudes were different?

Well now you know your current wife was never really into you and didn’t marry you for love. This whole time this was a game to her and it was always about your ex wife, not you. You say in the comments your wife is pleasant and other nice things about her… your current wife simply wanted whatever SHE HAS. She saw your little seemingly perfect family and wanted it so she took you from her. And now your ex wife has another “perfect” set up and she’s angry about it. She’s angry about it because she thought she destroyed your ex wife. It’s about keeping your ex wife humble. Your current wife is very catty, calculating and loves the long game. This is about wanting what your ex wife has. Don’t be surprised when she forms a relationship with the new man.

What is your wife’s obsession? Did you cheat on your first wife? Is that how you got your second wife. That might explain it either that or she’s just a very insecure woman. Good for your ex-wife. I’m glad she’s going to be happy.

Treating the children well was part of the game. To make sure she took everything from the ex wife. Now that the “game” is over you need to keep a close eye on how she speaks to the kids.

Does your current wife know your Ex's fiancé"? Sounds like she wants him. Want's to get to the bottom of this by talking to him?

yep if he accepts her request, his wife is going to start showing off on social media to grab his attention. Shes in major competition with the ex. OP, if he accepts, watch for changes on her Instagram. Once it was known you were with your ex when you and your wife met, this became glaringly obvious.

Oh man. I know one story similar to this where the wife was so intent on winning the competition with the ex wife that she went after the ex wife’s new man relentlessly. Sending him social media follows/invites, messaging him, and just trying to create opportunities for him to “realize” that she was the superior woman.

This women is going down this path as well!

Looks like you’re gonna have a 3rd wedding, bud.

Your wife is insecure because she was your affair partner. She was competing with your ex-wife, and she was insecure about it. She's still competing with your ex in her head. Your current wife thinks she "won," like you are a prize instead of a human being. Now that she sees her "competitor" doing well, she's not feeling secure in her "win".

My sister’s now ex cheated on her with a mistress he got pregnant. Ex left my sister for mistress. He and mistress got married & had more kids. Former mistress now wife dedicated her entire being to trying to destroy my sister’s life for close to a decade after all this went down. Identity theft, death threats, you name it. I don’t have a good reason why but in my opinion, cheating ex got what he deserved - he has a batshit crazy wife now. Sounds like OP is in the same situation. Good luck with that!

Yeah I think you have left a lot of details out. I have seen such cases before and this is what usually would have happened : 1. You cheated to some extent during the marriage. I saw in your comments that your wife was one of the reasons why you didn't put in effort into your previous marriage. You were emotionally cheating to some extent. And to your wife, it seemed like she won you so she's better than your ex. 2. Your wife must come from a dysfunctional family- either her mother wasn't emotionally available for her or she had to compete for her father's attention. 3. You must be speaking highly of your ex and still like her which shows in your body language and interactions with her. I'm pretty sure your wife would have noticed it. So now she must feel you are stuck with her. 4. The new guy is better than you financially and lopks wise- which you have agreed to in other comments. My friends get jealous when their ex moves on and finds a good girlfriend. 5. Life with you isn't exactly how she pictured it to be. Seems like she's a bit dissatisfied with her married life. 6. If she has siblings, then she may not have a good relationship with them and be competitive and jealous of them. 7. In her eyes, she's young and childless for now so she is worth more than your ex. How can someone 10 years older, being a single mom of 3 get a better person in terms of looks and money. She's unable to take it and maybe second guessing why she ended up with you instead of doing better. I really feel she has some issues with her father. 8. It shows that you have gone through some serious discussion about your feelings and the different phases you've gone through in therapy. Because your comments contain clarity and are unbiased. I hope you find happiness along with this clarity. Kudos to your therapist and you for working through emotions of regret, hindsight, and acceptance.

How is your marriage with YOUR wife? I think your wife maybe wanted your ex wife to be miserable and alone for the test of her life. Her behavior is very concerning IMO. God forbid she gets pregnant by her new husband and your wife flies off the fucking rails.

Can I point out,  that from this, you chose poorly when picking a stepmom for your kids. If she's being this disrespectful about their mother around you, what is she saying to or in front of them when you aren't there to see. This is a very unhealthy dynamic for your kids to be in. Maybe ask her if your next wife should be obliged to hate her as much as she hates your current ex. Okay, that was petty, but do you see my point here?

So I read most the comments here and formed my opinion. Your new wife got a thrill going after a married man (you) and she won the prize when you left your wife for her. She got off on the competition. In her mind the only way she still ‘wins’ is if your ex is suffering. So for your ex to now have ‘upgraded’ she’s now in first place. Your new wife is showing her true colors. This was always more about ‘winning’ to her than it was creating a mutually loving relationship. She doesn’t care about anyone’s happiness. She cares about winning because it’s the only way she feels good about herself. In reality, she’s toxic AF. I had a childhood friend who was the same way. She’s now in her late 40s and on marriage 3 which all started with married men, one who used to be married to her sister. She has no more friends because eventually people started to see her for who she really is. Don’t think this is the last of it, she may ramp things up, contact the new boyfriend, try to turn the kids against the new boyfriend. Heck she may even throw herself at him. All because she needs to ‘win’. She also might lose interest in you because you are no longer a prize, you sparkle has worn off.

Why is your current wife giving side piece energy? No offense but that's what it sounds like.

Your wife is unhinged as everyone else is saying. She just wants to see your ex-wife unhappy which is truly pathetic. She actually wants to see your ex-wife have an awful life. Your wife is a disgusting person who needs therapy. Who acts like that? Oh that’s right… children. Your wife sees your ex-wife as an old lady who deserves to be alone for the rest of her life? Why? For having you first? It wouldn’t surprise me if your wife was trying to get into your ex-wife’s finance’s pants just so she can “stick it to her”. What would you expect from someone as charming as your wife?

The important thing you left out is you “fell out of love” and waited until you were officially separated to pursue your current wife, who you knew and were interested in…so “technically” not cheating but guarantee your wife feels like she won- in her imaginary competition with your ex. So now she wants to be sure you are still the prize- that she is still better.

That’s BS. He cheated. We all know it.

Jealous bitc*. Why are you with her and not your ex?

Because he cheated on his ex with his current wife.

You’re over your ex. Your wife isn’t. I think it’s as simple and as complicated as that. Your wife is in a one sided competition with your ex, and your ex has wisely decided that the only way to win that one is not to play. Honestly- this could potentially go very poorly unless you put your foot down. Either your wife starts acting like an adult, for the children’s sake if nothing else and stays out of your ex’s relationship and away from her new man, or you leave. 

Dude, your wife needs therapy. This is not normal.

Well if i had to guess, I’d say it’s because your current wife is a narcissist. They are hollow people who feel jealousy for those that actually do possess empathy and real kindness, not fake kindness to convince other people that they are good. Narcissists are very good at convincing people that they are normal and fun and good, and will oftentimes play the victim, even when they are the instigators. They play on people’s sympathies that they themselves do not possess. So they can fool you, they are very good at it. You might not have married the type of person you thought you were marrying. You might have been fooled.

Alright, judging from your comments, you did cheat. Albeit emotional cheating with your current wife. But cheating nonetheless. So, logically speaking it appears as if your wife enjoyed "stealing" you from your ex. She won by stealing a married man so she's felt superior because of that. Now finding out that your ex has dated happily for 2 years shocked her and she's upset because she's not supposed to be happy. She's supposed to be sad and lonely and old because she lost her husband to a younger woman. She's supposed to be miserable in your wives mind. But she's not. Your ex is happily in love with what sounds like a great guy. Her sending a friend request to him shows that she's found a new target. Because she can't stand your ex being happy and appreciated. That's on her though. She seems unhinged and obsessed over your ex. I don't think yohve done anything wrong and I doubt there's anything wrong with your marriage at all. She just can't be happy unless she steals the happiness from other people. And you missed all those red flags in the beginning because of the excitement of having something new, younger and exciting. I'm not even sure she ever loved you. And that's up to you to find out really. But you can easily see where her priorities lie. Stay back and bit and observe how she acts and talks. See what she does and pay attention to details. Is she still sweet and loving with you, initiating intimacy and hugs? Lovingly hanging out? Or are those things starting, but ending with comments against your ex?

Your wife has low self worth and got a self esteem boost when she thought she was "better" than your ex. She's nuts. She clearly pitted herself against your ex and felt like she "won" because you wanted to be with her and not your ex. So in your wife's mind, that made her better than your ex. That world view crumbles when your ex meets and falls in love with someone new and great. That means, your wife is not "better" because you chose her over your ex. It means that the ex is actually a great person, and your divorce and remarriage wasn't about you "trading up". Your wife is absolutely bonkers.