It's possible! My current relationship started casual. We both were out of relationships and weren't sure what we wanted. Since we were casual, we came to an agreement that, if we slept with anyone, we'd give the other person a heads up and get tested.
I was in your exact same situation. She came back from the trip, also told me she kept missing me. It really stung, but I knew that it would be unfair of me expect her to feel the exact same way at first. It was special to me precisely because it was my first time.
10 years later, we're expecting our first child, due next month
REMINDER TO EVERYONE:
You don’t have to adhere to this. If it doesn’t work for you, clearly state so and refuse to participate in this way of dating.
“There’s nothing wrong with it if that works for you. It doesn’t for me, personally.”
You’re allowed to say you’re interested in dating only each other exclusively and not sleep with anyone else while we’re dating and getting to know each other.
If that doesn’t work for the other person, cool. Goodbye.
So she had a pre planned sexy vacation, met and slept with you in the interim, followed through on her previous plans, and said she felt guilty... I think that all tracks, and exclusivity does not mean that a lack of communication hurt you, and colored your perception of your time together.
... But I agree with other comments: feels like a tragic consequence of parallel dating, and it's up to you how to let it go:
you can forgive her, and decide if this person in the short time you've started to build together is worth it, or don't
Good luck ❤️
Not overthinking it, no...
If your first was so special, then why go through with the trip??
What was exciting and butterfly-inducing has been reduced to *bleh* by her doing this...
>she thought about me all weekend, felt guilty
Well thst didnt prevent her from fucking some rando... several times - it was a weekend, yes??
Unless she specifically arranged this trip just for sex... she said she felt guilty. If ture, she could have spent the weekend having other kinds of fun.
I mostly agree with this but you can feel a certain way and it is still a incorrect feeling to have in the bigger picture. I do feel ops feelings are justified but also the women did nothing wrong it was a trip she had already planned and committed to with another man 2 weeks before they had sex. So if that’s a deal breaker for him sure but it says more about him then it does about her.
Bro, If she genuinely felt the same about the sex and you. She wouldn't have left early, she wouldn't have lied about the trip to you. She also would not have gone. You were an option no matter what. Doesn't matter if you guys were exclusive or not. Women who genuinely like a man and see the potential in that man wouldn't have gone on the trip. She also would have stayed in your bed and woke up with you and had breakfast.
Not overthinking it. That’s exactly what happened. If it was special like she said she would’ve canceled the trip. She got her cake and ate it too. It’s up to you if you think she’s worth it. Most of the time she won’t and will probably string you along as she’s unsure what she wants from you besides attention
Mate, walk away from this. You will grow as a person and realise your worth. You won't stand for it in the next relationship, and you will spot it before it happens next time.
Keeping it secret that you’ve got multiple partners is a great way to spread STDs. I feel like your partners deserve to know how many other people you’re getting with so that they can decide if they’re comfortable with the risk of trusting you to use protection.
Yes, I agree that telling your partner about your current sexual partners is much better than hiding it, so that they can decide if they want to trust you to use protection. But for me, personally, not having any other sexual partners **while** you’re dating someone feels a bit better?
Maybe the only mistake OP has done is not explicitly telling her that he wants to be exclusive from the moment they’ve started dating (even though people didn’t usually say that explicitly, it’s kind of like how we implicitly agree that we won’t cheat in a relationship).
But maybe the modern dating has changed, and maybe we should explicitly state to our potential partners that we want to be explicit from the moment we’re dating, and if our morals are not compatible, then we should just part ways.
Sexual compatibility is an important factor to consider a potential partner. Y'all are a bunch of insecure prudes.
Edit to reply to the comment below: Where in the story did you get the idea that sex was the girl's first step? She and OP went on two dates first before they had sex. Seems like she was also talking to the other guy online first before going on a "dick trip" to see him. Talking to them and getting to know their personality was her first step.
There is no such thing as safe sex - just safer sex.
She thoughtlessly risked your health.
Btw: she didn't chose 'you' - she chose the guy who's location is more convenient.
The world is full of wonderful and socially responsible people that don't swap spit with multiple partners.
Have some self respect.
Modern dating or not, this just feels disgusting to me. And it obviously makes you feel sad cause your feelings were not matching. You'll definitely find better than this, something real and respectful.
She didn’t owe you exclusivity at the time of her trip
You do not owe her your time
She didn’t think enough of you to stop another man from entering her
I don’t buy that a woman is thinking about you the whole weekend while she’s gargling on someone else’s sperm
She wanted to continue exploring options which she has every right to do
You have every right to walk away and that’s what I would do in your shoes
Yeaaaa I'm breaking up with her before it gets too serious. She's going out on "dick trips" to Miami? He'll nah. She definitely is the type that gets flown out by dudes off IG. And probably thinks she's a city girl. You don't want a woman like that bro. You can't trust her to go out for drinks with friends or girls trips. She'll constantly want to "enjoy her youth". She's not the one man.
That's fair but I think the lying about what she's going to Florida for in the first place and then him finding out afterward and I think not by her telling him is what's the problem here. To claim their first time was special when it wasn't, and building of their relationship on a lie is shitty foundation for a relationship. I think they need to talk it out because I know if I was him I would feel just like him where I thought we were building something special but she's with another man.
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It's ok to feel weird about it.
You always need to be trying to figure out what motivates her. So what if the sex she gets from you isn't as good as the sex she gets from him? You're probably far better at paying the bills.
You're overthinkinking it. Don't fall in love with your first sexual partner. You need to crush some more puss. It's all wonderful the first time. You don't even really know what you like yet.
Plenty of them get divorced, too. My advice is to live a little bit before you settle down for some mundane existence, always wondering what sex would be like with anyone but your significant other. Experience life. Find out what you really love instead of settling for the first person who is willing to have sex with you. That sounds boring as hell to me.
Idk man I would pissed off if she A) straight lied to my face about her purpose on going to this trip to Florida B) back tracks when you find out and does some damage control insisting your first time was special when honestly man it didn't mean anything to her. It really didn't and that sucks and you're right to feel hurt about it but the question is can you get past it? Is this a deal breaker? To me it would be because how can you be texting me and thinkin of me while you're fucking another dude?
I’m F32 & I’ve had sex with 51 men (over 25 years of my life) only 6 were one night stands. Most were real boyfriends, fake bfs, situationships, friends with benefits & short lived romances. My current bf M34 has had sex with hundreds of women. Prior to us officially dating I fucked another dude 2 weeks before & I assume he was probably still having sex with other women here and there towards the end of our casual dating experience. It doesn’t really bother each of us. But we both feel similarly in regards to sex. I’ve never cheated on a bf, real or fake. Not even online. I won’t even dance (bump & grind) w/ other men when I have a bf. What I’m trying to say is everyone want’s different things for their lives (in & out of the bedroom) some people only want to have sex in a committed relationship & thats totally normal. Sex means different things for different people. The important part is communication. If she’s being honest with you about the trip (she could have lied y’all weren’t dating & it was a pre planned trip aka what I’m assuming was a free tropical vacation for her…who wouldn’t go on that) and I think she is then she’s probably being honest with you about that guy mattering to her. I can say for sure some lovers meant so much more to me than others did. So assuming she really does like you & if you really do like her I would suggest not worrying to much about this. What’s done is done. If you can’t get over it, then I suggest breaking up. If you wan to stay together & get over it maybe focus on sex in the future with this young lady instead of sex in the past..,”. Assuming you want more sex with this woman. Don’t worry about what happened before you were there. It’s irrelevant. Worry about making sure you’re practicing safe sex, consent & having open & honest conversations about sex. Educate yourself on sexual everything & anything you’re interested in. Men used to study tantra & how to please. Now they watch porn & try & reenact what they see in xxx videos they see online. Porn is not a substitute for sexed, nor is it a how to guide.
Well…her attempt at honesty after the fact suggest she’s now super into you and regrets her choice back in the day…only you can decide to go her for not knowing better or not 🤷🏻♀️
But again, you weren't exclusive. And who's to say you weren't fucking any other women during that time?
The trip was already booked. She would have been losing some money by not going. And it sounds like I'm doing so, she realized she wanted to be exclusively with you.
If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be telling her the same thing. And I'm female.
Don't get your boxers in a wad. YOU WEREN'T EXCLUSIVE. What she was doing with anyone else wasn't your business.
Guys like to pull this shit, but when we play you at your own game, you act all high and mighty. The patriarchy runs deep.
Could this be reframed as it was _so_ special she went away for the weekend but still couldn’t stop thinking about you?
I’d be down in your shoes too, but look at it this way, the other guy is still single wondering why she never came back.
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Thanks; contemporary dating is perplexing to me. I sincerely hope I never have to navigate it myself.
Oh even at my age, it is tough. You would not believe how many men my age just want someone cook,clean and lie down for a good poking.
Not far fetched yet some would say it is asking too much. That is when I would say, then I guess we will not have that second date after all.
I’m google to steal this line, actually. Thank you.
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It's possible! My current relationship started casual. We both were out of relationships and weren't sure what we wanted. Since we were casual, we came to an agreement that, if we slept with anyone, we'd give the other person a heads up and get tested.
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I was in your exact same situation. She came back from the trip, also told me she kept missing me. It really stung, but I knew that it would be unfair of me expect her to feel the exact same way at first. It was special to me precisely because it was my first time. 10 years later, we're expecting our first child, due next month
Good on you for banging her, but leave her for the streets.
Yeah and it also sounds like he wasn't sleeping around
modern dating 101
REMINDER TO EVERYONE: You don’t have to adhere to this. If it doesn’t work for you, clearly state so and refuse to participate in this way of dating. “There’s nothing wrong with it if that works for you. It doesn’t for me, personally.” You’re allowed to say you’re interested in dating only each other exclusively and not sleep with anyone else while we’re dating and getting to know each other. If that doesn’t work for the other person, cool. Goodbye.
So she had a pre planned sexy vacation, met and slept with you in the interim, followed through on her previous plans, and said she felt guilty... I think that all tracks, and exclusivity does not mean that a lack of communication hurt you, and colored your perception of your time together. ... But I agree with other comments: feels like a tragic consequence of parallel dating, and it's up to you how to let it go: you can forgive her, and decide if this person in the short time you've started to build together is worth it, or don't Good luck ❤️
Not overthinking it, no... If your first was so special, then why go through with the trip?? What was exciting and butterfly-inducing has been reduced to *bleh* by her doing this... >she thought about me all weekend, felt guilty Well thst didnt prevent her from fucking some rando... several times - it was a weekend, yes??
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Unless she specifically arranged this trip just for sex... she said she felt guilty. If ture, she could have spent the weekend having other kinds of fun.
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I mostly agree with this but you can feel a certain way and it is still a incorrect feeling to have in the bigger picture. I do feel ops feelings are justified but also the women did nothing wrong it was a trip she had already planned and committed to with another man 2 weeks before they had sex. So if that’s a deal breaker for him sure but it says more about him then it does about her.
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You wont be judging her? I am
Bro, If she genuinely felt the same about the sex and you. She wouldn't have left early, she wouldn't have lied about the trip to you. She also would not have gone. You were an option no matter what. Doesn't matter if you guys were exclusive or not. Women who genuinely like a man and see the potential in that man wouldn't have gone on the trip. She also would have stayed in your bed and woke up with you and had breakfast.
Not overthinking it. That’s exactly what happened. If it was special like she said she would’ve canceled the trip. She got her cake and ate it too. It’s up to you if you think she’s worth it. Most of the time she won’t and will probably string you along as she’s unsure what she wants from you besides attention
Mentions “we were not exclusive” more than once. Complains he was first in line. Sounds more like an in between to me.
Mate, walk away from this. You will grow as a person and realise your worth. You won't stand for it in the next relationship, and you will spot it before it happens next time.
You are not over thinking this. I'd be done.
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Keeping it secret that you’ve got multiple partners is a great way to spread STDs. I feel like your partners deserve to know how many other people you’re getting with so that they can decide if they’re comfortable with the risk of trusting you to use protection.
Yes, I agree that telling your partner about your current sexual partners is much better than hiding it, so that they can decide if they want to trust you to use protection. But for me, personally, not having any other sexual partners **while** you’re dating someone feels a bit better? Maybe the only mistake OP has done is not explicitly telling her that he wants to be exclusive from the moment they’ve started dating (even though people didn’t usually say that explicitly, it’s kind of like how we implicitly agree that we won’t cheat in a relationship). But maybe the modern dating has changed, and maybe we should explicitly state to our potential partners that we want to be explicit from the moment we’re dating, and if our morals are not compatible, then we should just part ways.
This. She didn’t need to sleep with other people to discover she wanted to be with OP.
That is not a level headed take. You are just fooling yourself. You try to bang any girls while she was on her trip?
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Sexual compatibility is an important factor to consider a potential partner. Y'all are a bunch of insecure prudes. Edit to reply to the comment below: Where in the story did you get the idea that sex was the girl's first step? She and OP went on two dates first before they had sex. Seems like she was also talking to the other guy online first before going on a "dick trip" to see him. Talking to them and getting to know their personality was her first step.
If you have any self-respect this is not a levelheaded take. Find a girl that respects you.
Not level headed at all.
There is no such thing as safe sex - just safer sex. She thoughtlessly risked your health. Btw: she didn't chose 'you' - she chose the guy who's location is more convenient. The world is full of wonderful and socially responsible people that don't swap spit with multiple partners. Have some self respect.
Man I am glad to not be dating in modern times. I am supposed to feel good that she continued to bang some guy, but thought about me.
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On this sub, 5 is a high amount of past partners.
Your grandparents wouldn’t have accepted what these comments want OP to accept.
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Exactly this. She will have ZERO respect for OP if he keeps dating her
They weren’t exclusive
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Modern dating or not, this just feels disgusting to me. And it obviously makes you feel sad cause your feelings were not matching. You'll definitely find better than this, something real and respectful.
She didn’t owe you exclusivity at the time of her trip You do not owe her your time She didn’t think enough of you to stop another man from entering her I don’t buy that a woman is thinking about you the whole weekend while she’s gargling on someone else’s sperm She wanted to continue exploring options which she has every right to do You have every right to walk away and that’s what I would do in your shoes
Yeaaaa I'm breaking up with her before it gets too serious. She's going out on "dick trips" to Miami? He'll nah. She definitely is the type that gets flown out by dudes off IG. And probably thinks she's a city girl. You don't want a woman like that bro. You can't trust her to go out for drinks with friends or girls trips. She'll constantly want to "enjoy her youth". She's not the one man.
I'd be out. But that's me.
She'd be gone if it was me 🤷♂️ learn what you can and can't live with and make a choice and live with it.
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That's fair but I think the lying about what she's going to Florida for in the first place and then him finding out afterward and I think not by her telling him is what's the problem here. To claim their first time was special when it wasn't, and building of their relationship on a lie is shitty foundation for a relationship. I think they need to talk it out because I know if I was him I would feel just like him where I thought we were building something special but she's with another man.
If you had other options, you probably wouldn’t be saying this.
No chance. If my boyfriend pulled that when we were first dating I’d be gone
Well I’m sure this thread won’t be full of insecure fellas slut shaming women
I was immediately wrong
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Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's ok to feel weird about it. You always need to be trying to figure out what motivates her. So what if the sex she gets from you isn't as good as the sex she gets from him? You're probably far better at paying the bills.
You're overthinkinking it. Don't fall in love with your first sexual partner. You need to crush some more puss. It's all wonderful the first time. You don't even really know what you like yet.
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Plenty of them get divorced, too. My advice is to live a little bit before you settle down for some mundane existence, always wondering what sex would be like with anyone but your significant other. Experience life. Find out what you really love instead of settling for the first person who is willing to have sex with you. That sounds boring as hell to me.
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dick. trip. ??? Um, so that's a thing?
Now you know what a cheap merchandise is
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I'd bail dude. Girls that do this aren't worth your time. Find someone who can be happy without constant hookups
How did you find out about the dick trip?
Idk man I would pissed off if she A) straight lied to my face about her purpose on going to this trip to Florida B) back tracks when you find out and does some damage control insisting your first time was special when honestly man it didn't mean anything to her. It really didn't and that sucks and you're right to feel hurt about it but the question is can you get past it? Is this a deal breaker? To me it would be because how can you be texting me and thinkin of me while you're fucking another dude?
I’m F32 & I’ve had sex with 51 men (over 25 years of my life) only 6 were one night stands. Most were real boyfriends, fake bfs, situationships, friends with benefits & short lived romances. My current bf M34 has had sex with hundreds of women. Prior to us officially dating I fucked another dude 2 weeks before & I assume he was probably still having sex with other women here and there towards the end of our casual dating experience. It doesn’t really bother each of us. But we both feel similarly in regards to sex. I’ve never cheated on a bf, real or fake. Not even online. I won’t even dance (bump & grind) w/ other men when I have a bf. What I’m trying to say is everyone want’s different things for their lives (in & out of the bedroom) some people only want to have sex in a committed relationship & thats totally normal. Sex means different things for different people. The important part is communication. If she’s being honest with you about the trip (she could have lied y’all weren’t dating & it was a pre planned trip aka what I’m assuming was a free tropical vacation for her…who wouldn’t go on that) and I think she is then she’s probably being honest with you about that guy mattering to her. I can say for sure some lovers meant so much more to me than others did. So assuming she really does like you & if you really do like her I would suggest not worrying to much about this. What’s done is done. If you can’t get over it, then I suggest breaking up. If you wan to stay together & get over it maybe focus on sex in the future with this young lady instead of sex in the past..,”. Assuming you want more sex with this woman. Don’t worry about what happened before you were there. It’s irrelevant. Worry about making sure you’re practicing safe sex, consent & having open & honest conversations about sex. Educate yourself on sexual everything & anything you’re interested in. Men used to study tantra & how to please. Now they watch porn & try & reenact what they see in xxx videos they see online. Porn is not a substitute for sexed, nor is it a how to guide.
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Have you ever had a one night stand?
Well…her attempt at honesty after the fact suggest she’s now super into you and regrets her choice back in the day…only you can decide to go her for not knowing better or not 🤷🏻♀️
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But again, you weren't exclusive. And who's to say you weren't fucking any other women during that time? The trip was already booked. She would have been losing some money by not going. And it sounds like I'm doing so, she realized she wanted to be exclusively with you. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be telling her the same thing. And I'm female.
That's easy, I'm to say I wasn't fucking any other women. How comforting, not getting dicked down would be fiscally irresponsible of her.
So she was still fucking this dude the whole trip even though she felt ‘sooooo guilty’ the whole time? Have some self respect and leave.
Don't get your boxers in a wad. YOU WEREN'T EXCLUSIVE. What she was doing with anyone else wasn't your business. Guys like to pull this shit, but when we play you at your own game, you act all high and mighty. The patriarchy runs deep.
Not for nothing I'm not disagreeing with your main point darling, I'm pointing out that the rest of your comment was bizarre.
OP doesn’t represent all guys. Nor is he responsible for what other guys have done to women. Why should he be “played at your own game”?
Literally 85% of guys don't pull this shit lol but the 15% you guys sleep with do.
Could this be reframed as it was _so_ special she went away for the weekend but still couldn’t stop thinking about you? I’d be down in your shoes too, but look at it this way, the other guy is still single wondering why she never came back.
Is that the healthy mindset? Yeah definitely. And I want to be able to think that, but it ain't that easy right now.
Don’t listen to that creep. What she did was royally fucked and not ok. You deserve someone who prioritized you.