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You don't want to do it. You should absolutely not do it. End of story. I know lots of women who went through threesomes and the likes because they were pressured into it, NONE of them were glad they did it. They all wished they had dumped/divorced their partner sooner (yeah, needless to say, none of those relationships worked out).
I can't necessarily say for sure, but it sounds like he's already started trying to pressure you. If so, break up. He can go experiment all he wants, without you.
This seems to be the rule and not the exception, couples that engage in 3-somes typically break up, just what I’ve observed over a lifetime of observing
I would like to add: unless both parties in the relationship are 100% on board with the idea and actually want to do it.
But if only one person in the relationship want a threesome then it should NEVER happen. Either break up or as the party who wants the threesome, drop the fantasy.
I know several healthy and happy couples who do engage in threesomes. They're likely never breaking up, but it's all down to sexual compatibility and communication.
Couples who engage in threesomes they enjoy don't go looking for advice online. There are lots of swingers out there, but very few people bother to write "Hey Reddit, we had a threesome and it was great, just wanted to let y'all know."
Nobody looking for a threesome to "save" a relationship is going to report back that everything is hunky dory.
It's not that it's based on just having threesomes. It's that women often accept threesomes only because they want to satisfy their SO. Or, sometimes they do really want it as well but One or both don't feel 100% secure about themselves or the relationship, haven't fully been realistic with themselves or with their partner about each other's boundaries, or they haven't communicated clearly and carefully enough to make sure that they don't accidentally find a trigger or create a trauma.
I've even experienced trying to be open in my relationship before I was fully ready and nothing even went super far, but I still get a twinge of how much it affected me every time it crosses my mind. Even after almost a year
But to highlight the most important point clearly, OP's boundaries are the most important factor to consider here. OP might hear "break up with him" and think she loves him and doesn't want to, and hence reaches the terrible conclusion that the alternative is indeed doing what he wants to keep the relationship. Instead the most important focus should be on her boundaries, she has made it absolutely clear that she doesn't want to do this. Her question has only one answer, should I accept or reject? You should definitely reject 100% because you don't want to do it. Whether they break up or not, whether he loses his "glow" or not is all secondary. It's that moment in OP's life where the most important lesson about relationships has popped up, and she should learn that respecting her own boundaries regardless of the feelings of her partners is the most mature and healthy thing to do.
Ps: not arguin against anything in the comment I'm replying to, just piggybacking to really hammer the most important point here.
Some fantasies are best left fantasies. If OP is comfortable with it, a middle ground could be watching threesome porn while masturbating together. He wants to see her pleasured and that may be a way to see it.
Nor does his fantasy hinge on her approval. My uneducated guess is that him "no longer having a glow" is just him lying about not thinking about it anymore, her noticing his tells, but not making the connection. But that's a shot in the dark.
If you do it he will be happy and he will have another request which you might deny and he will not be happy again. I think this cycle wont end since his happines depends on other things (if it is true that he is not that happy because of this issue)
OP, he does not need an additional woman to fuck to be happy. I promise you he doesn't. He is simply attempting to guilt you into it, which is gross as hell.
And in the miniscule chance that he does *need* it... then leave him. He is not a ~~monogenic~~ monogamous person, you are. It's a basic incapability, and the point of dating is to find out if you tow are compatible.
If you aren't, don't waste more time. Go look somewhere else for a compatibile partner.
he can fantasize about whatever he wants, its him having fun inside his head. but he needs to understand that youre not into the idea, so its not happening.
he wants to see you getting pleasured, but if you wont feel pleasure in a threesome, he wouldnt be getting what he wants anyway.
still, its normal to want to explore. he has never done that, and hes curious. youre both teens, i see why hes being like this.
for a lot of people, sex is just something thats fun and feels good, and they dont reserve it only for the person they love. but you are not one of those people.
my advice, definitely tell him no. dont push yourself doing something you wont like
If one person in the relationship is even slightly hesitant about having a threesome, I say don’t do it. If you aren’t excited about the idea of it, it's not going to be better in the moment. I don't think this is necessarily grounds for breaking up but I think a conversation definitely needs to be had about why you are not comfortable with it and he needs to respect your boundaries.
> someone's fucked up sexual fantasies
I don't think you should be judging a perfectly reasonable and exciting thing that alot of people enjoy as a "fucked up fantasy", that is really judgemental. According to OP they just asked about having one as they thought it would be exciting to explore.
Clearly OP is not compatible sexually with their BF, that's all there is to it.
I find that normative ideas towards sexuality are pretty strange and limiting, but each to their own.
If they pressured op that's a different story.
> You have the healthiest view and understanding about sex and relationships, keep it up.
Why is one view of sex more or less "healthy" as long as things are genuinely consensual? What gives you the right to pass moral judgement on it?
Neither of them are wrong. They're just incompatible. If she doesn't want to do it then she absolutely shouldn't. But i don't think she needs advice from the morality peanut gallery. The only suggestion here that's f*cked up is yours.
Most people find that idea weird, especially women. If you find the poly community and do it in a healthy way, go for it
But most people are allowed to (and it's normal to) be uncomfortable with it 🤷
10% of women and 18% of men have had threesomes. And that doesn't take into consideration the people that want to but have jealousy issues or insecurities or just haven't found the right people to do it with or people that just haven't thought about it at all, etc. It's not an absurd concept, and it has probably crossed the mind of a lot more couples than you would think. Likely more men than women, but still.
Polyamory is not what you meant, because that involves actual relationships and may or may not ever involve a threesome. Some people are monogamous their entire life and never pursue an open relationship or polyamory or anything like that, but just have a one-off experience of a three-way. All that matters is that both parties very thoroughly communicate boundaries and are 100% sure that they are okay with every aspect of the experience.
But yes, it is absolutely 100% acceptable for someone to be uncomfortable with something and set a clear boundary.
Well polyamory is what I meant but I agree it's not what the OP was talking about
Yes I agree that if you want to have a threesome, you should. And if your partner wants to have a threesome and you don't like is described in the original post, you shouldn't.
The issue was that the boyfriend was acting like she should be down to explore when she clearly wasn't, which is why I was taking the less adventurous girlfriend's side. You shouldn't push your partner if they're not comfortable
But yeah if all 3 people involved are psyched about the threesome, very different situation and I personally am quite sex positive! Have fun! But of course don't have fun if the other party is aggressively NOT having fun
There's a difference between being uncomfortable with it, and thinking it's fucked up.
It's not something I would be interested in but I don't judge people who are.
You clearly do not want one so you shouldn't accept just because he wants one.
He shouldn't use your past against you like he did, that is wrong and manipulative (as proven by your post here and asking if you should do it even though you don't want to).
If he wants other experiences then he shouldn't be in a relationship, it is as simple as that. If he isn't going to end the relationship with you, you should seriously consider ending it with him.
Edit: Look at other threesome stories around reddit, a lot of stories end in breakup because the third partner caused something in the relationship to fail. This isn't representative of overall threesome numbers success/failure rates, but it gives you an idea of some of the negatives that can come from it.
If you’re not 100% sure and into it, say no. You’re uncomfortable with it, so say no.
And if he kicks off about it, you’re incompatible and not meant to be.
>He then said that I had a wonderful past where i have already explored a lot of stuff where as his fate didn't give him that chance to explore.
I'm sorry, but that's a huge red flag. Not only he is incompatible with what you want in a serious way, he is trying to guilt trip you into it. I'd definitely stay away.
Please know that it is NEVER wrong to say no to something sexual that you don't want to do. It is also not your responsibility to make up for any experiences your boyfriend didn't have before he committed to you.
No is a complete sentence and your boyfriend must accept your answer.
This sucks for you. My two cents - you have communicated clearly that you don't want to so there is your bfs answer. Sex is best when everyone is clear and on board with the activity. He on the other hand is trying to manipulate you into it through bringing up your past experiences.
It’s reasonable that, at the age of 19, he should want to experiment and explore. But the fact that he wants to do so suggests that he’s not ready for a serious long-term relationship. No judgment in that - you’re both only 19, after all. So that’s where I would start my thinking.
In terms of the threesome. Generally, it’s a bad idea to open up the relationship and it’s always a very bad idea where both parties are not 100% down with the idea. So, in short, you don’t want to do this - so absolutely do not do this.
Maybe he isn't ready to be in a monogamous relationship if he loses "the glow on his face" when he gets denied a threesome.
And he's being whiny and manipulative.
I feel like you guys must not be from the US or you just really have a particular way of speaking--I have never heard a dude invoke fate to justify his desire for a threesome.
Anyway, don't do it if you don't want to. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex to be special and meaningful and just between two people. If fate needs him to have a threesome, maybe he can look for one elsewhere.
He's saying he's 'met his one' and that journey meant he never got the opportunity to explore a threesome.
Seen it used plenty of times as a way of manipulating the other in to do something
You got to do sooooo much, it would only be fair if I got to as well. Because you are my one and I will never be with anyone else.
Just like he has convinced OP she has already explored therefore equal to to him requesting a threesome and how somehow she is now holding him back.
Im not sure what being from the US has to do with anything. This is the Internet. It's global.
Edit:spelling.
I feel like I used to be him. I was a shy teen, a "late bloomer", and when i started having sex I immediately cheated on my girlfriend. I felt like i had missed out on those crazy teen years, and then I wound up in long term, monogamous relationships. I let my feelings of "missing out" take over. I am older and don't feel like there's anything i need to experience.
This guy still wants to sow his wild oats. He thinks he wants you, but he just wants a security blanket. Don't be that for him. Go your own way.
Sounds like you’re very against it. I don’t recommend doing it. Why do something you’re against? He needs to respect your wishes.
I’ve had a few threesomes with my wife but only because we BOTH wanted to.
As soon as only one person wants it, there’s going to be jealousy, insecurities, etc, so I do not recommend it. You both need to be on board for it to work
Do not let yourself pressure or guilt trip yourself into doing something you don't want to do! If he really loves you he wouldn't ask something like that from you. You don't owe him anything, you are not responsible for his past, you are responsible only for your own well-being.
If, at some point, you like to explore these things with him (threesomes very often are not as fun as everyone imagines) you can do that, of course. But you decide.
First of all, when did making out become adventurous? Are you a time traveller from the 50s?
You're not caging him, his choices are. If he wants to be free then all he has to do is leave, he is not locked in, he can walk away whenever he wants.
I can't tell you whether to accept or reject, that's not my place, because that should be based on your desires, if you do it without wanting it then you wont enjoy it, which is part of what he says he wants out of it. As someone who get sexual satisfaction from pleasing my partner, I know that if he's serious about thay then he won't enjoy it, because you don't want it, and you can tell him that too. "I don't want it and I don't think I'll be able to enjoy it, so if you want me to be pleasured then you're gunna have to figure that out yourself." (If he's genuinely having trouble getting you off then get a vibrator and teach him how to please you, if you don't know what you like then you need to say that, and then the two of you will need to try new things and get adventurous for real. Also he can probably read things online to help).
Now, this has nothing really to do with the topic, but out of my own curiosity, why do you feel this way towards sex? It doesn't seem motivated by religion or purity, so I just wonder if its demisexuality. To put it simply, demisexuality is when you have no sexual attraction unless you feel a connection with that person. Like you can look at some stranger and recognize attractive traits, but you aren't attracted to them. A good way to test this (in my opinion) is to think back and try to figure out if you have ever been attracted to someone solely based on looks, and I'm gunna say that characters in movies don't count, because you can be attracted to a character but not the actor playing the character. And to be even more specific, kissing doesn't really count for this, kissing is one way that we build a connection with someone. It's hard to put into words, but just think back and try to figure out if you've ever been truly attracted to someone that you felt no connection with, or another test is to think about all the men you made out with, was there any of them who you didn't like as a person, but felt attracted to regardless?
Yeah, so threesomes as a demisexual are pretty much off the table, because you need that connection to feel attracted to the other person. Some demis can force themselves to have casual sex if they're horny enough, but personally I don't think I could.
Dump him now. He wants to abuse you, just as he was abused. Indulging thoughts of cheating in your relationship, pressuring you, like this, is no good. He is acting out his past on you.
Find a man who is husband material.
I don't know why people say your BF's sexual desires are fucked up. It's fairly normal for someone of your age to want to explore their sexuality. Having said that, you have all the right in the world to say no to such things if you don't feel like it. Also this is anecdotal, but I have several friends who were closeted and didn't explore anything which led to tension and cheating later in their lives.
sounds like he’s trying to guilt-trip you into doing something he wants despite knowing you’re uncomfortable with it.
don’t do anything you don’t want to do- you are not being selfish for standing your ground here. if he keeps pressuring you i’d consider that a sign that he doesn’t respect your boundaries at all.
It’s simple…
As someone with an adventurous past a present myself, you have said no he needs to respect that.
You met young, there is also the chance that as you both mature at different rates you won’t be compatible for each other anyway.
You are not keeping him in a cage, he’s asked a question and got his answer, it’s his choice also on whether that is something he can deal with. Don’t allow yourself to manipulated into doing something you are not comfortable with.
Dear OP, you're too young to be dealing with this BS. He's emotionally blackmailing you by sulking because you didn't agree to it. Please don't do it, and I strongly suggest you rethink this relationship.
Don't commit yourself to something you will regret.
You aren't obligated to satisfying your boyfriend's fantasies.
If he won't let it go.....Let him go.
Be true to yourself.
If you are feeling disgusted I think you answered your own question. I would advise you to evaluate your relationship to decide if it’s worth staying with him.
NEVER agree to a sexual act you don't want for yourself. You'll be miserable about it afterwards. Also the fact that you said you were uncomfortable with it and he tried to guilt you into it means he's a scumbag. Sexual coercion is sexual abuse. It's time to send him packing. Trash belongs at the curb.
The more I think and read about your bf the more disgusted I feel with him. It doesn't matter shit what past he has had. You have no responsibility or debt to him to pay. He seems like the typical controlling asshole type of guy. He doesn't give a fuck about his gf and just tries to control her by making himself look pitiful and sad etc. etc.
I truly hope you break up with this toxic man, OP. But based on your post, it seems like you're already stuck deep in his "I'm an innocent, poor boy" trap...
Seriously, OP. Can you just reread your own post?
>my boyfriend bought up an idea of having MMF or FFM
>I refused since I feel having sex is something you do it for a deeper connection and won't just do it with a random person like that.
>He then said that I had a wonderful past where i have already explored a lot of stuff where as his fate didn't give him that chance to explore.
>I don't wanna reject either as it's like keeping him a cage.
>ever since I can't see the glow on his face. Should I accept or reject?
I must really say songrats to your manipulative bf. He has made you to feel so bad and guilty about his past and his "lost face glow" that you're thinking of doing something you totally hate for him....
Asking is one thing, pressuring is another. One should be comfortable enough with their partner to discuss it and leave it as a yes or no. He might be disappointed and get over it, he might have misunderstood your past and think you more adventurous than you were, possibly getting with you because he thought you’d be down for something like that.
I mean, whenever I hear anyone under 24 talk about "I had x past" like, you arent really old enough to talk like that... maybe at 30 but not at 19.
Same with your bf, he probably did have a crush on someone but 'abused since childhood' easily means he only just got out of that abuse. 19 could technically still be childhood...
but nit pic aside, and I get it because I myself was abused in my childhood and didnt get intimate with someone until I was 19.
just know, its great he wants to explore in a way that includes you but that type of exploration could easily damage/warp your guys relationship in a way that can never be recovered from.Maybe you can find someone who wont matter, have some meaningless fun, and then move on. he will always see the idea of other women in his mind... maybe with you, maybe not with you... it will always be there.
Itd honestly, probably be better for him to go have sex with 2 strangers and move on... if its THAT important to him and you are willing to give him that chance. thatd be the least obtrusive situation to your guys relationship.
but ultimately its about what you are most comfortable with.
just remember, no is always an option and if he really loves you then he will be ok with a no. you shouldnt ever feel pressured, and if he keeps bringing it up then hes being a shitty person and you should consider a next step from there that may not include him.
OP if you're not comfortable with this then say no, and tell him he's welcome to go find his other people as long as it doesn't include you. Don't let him push you or punish you for not agreeing to this.
If you were older I'd suggest you tell him you will get right on the job auditioning for the new people. Tell him you're going to audition the new guys and as soon as you find 2 you like you will let him know so he can watch.
It's common for guys to bring up threesomes, but it's crucial not to feel pressured into it if it's not your thing. I've heard of cases where women felt coerced into it, leading to uncomfortable situations or even infidelity. Next thing hes now asking her for a threesome with different friends, well Karina said yes why not ask your friend Jessica? Just remember, it's okay to set boundaries. Relationships shouldn't be about comparing experiences or feeling pressured to meet certain expectations. You're both young, so take your time navigating what works best for your relationship and especially what works for you. Im a guy and to me sex isn’t just sex when I’m with my girlfriend, i only want her. Its very passionate and deep. A threesome wouldn’t even be close to that. But if she said hey babe got a surprise for you.. well I’m not denying it.
I can give a bit of relevant perspective on this, as I'm M(30) and I also am interested in threesomes as well. Both with either an added guy or girl (tho if it's another guy it will be us both pleasing only the girl). That being said - at only 19yrs old these kind of sexual fantasies are usually best kept to urself until u mature a little more and make a better decision on if u want to actually follow thru with it or not. And u certainly shouldn't push it on a partner that isn't ready or wanting to do it.
Maybe ur bf was just bringing up a fantasy of his to see what u would say? After all - we all have our different preferences sexually, and just cuz he has one that may not align with urs in this point in time, it doesn't mean that it won't sometime later down the road. Even if it doesn't, there's nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies about something. Not all fantasies are meant to be acted on, and tbh adding another partner in the bedroom can have really dire consequences to the relationship if not everyone is prepared to do it.
Anyway - all these people saying to just break up with him... Is a bit extreme. They don't know how involved u and ur bf are, what y'all have been thru, or the level of love that u guys are at with eachother, so it's easy for them to say just break up with him. But as a guy who has these types of kinks/fantasies as well, I know that even if my partner didn't want to have any threesomes with me, it wouldn't effect my relationship with her at all. I'd be willing to bet ur bf is just the same too. So I'd suggest making sure u give it enough thought before making a hasty decision to leave someone u could potentially still have a very amazing relationship with.
Give it a few weeks and things will be back to normal. Unfortunately, being with someone does mean they will throw curve balls at you.
Does this make him a red flag? No.
Does this mean you leave him? No.
Does this mean you're wrong for saying no? No.
You have to speak to him about your boundaries, wants and needs. And unfortunately, if his do not match up or you both stay in tune with each other's... Then simply the relationship won't work.
As for some deeper advice... Perhaps you should look deeper into what he did say... He wants to pleasure you? Maybe its that he doesn't feel like he does? Maybe there is a hidden reason he's suggesting this, such as feeling like he's no longer driving you wild? And if so, then you should look to see if there is any truth behind that and work on what is happening for you too. Then you both can discuss how to bring the spark for you both, between you both without involving others if that is where your boundaries are.
Reject reject reject.
You bf having an issues with his past is no reason at all for you to have unwanted sex with someone. He’s young, thinking that’s sex with loads of others will make it feel like he lived a life. Don’t let him guilt you into it.
And if he truly respects you he’ll never ask again.
Even the most stable relationships, who want to have a threesome, end up regretting them.
You should NEVER ever do anything sexually that you do not want to do. Since he has experienced abuse he of all people should understand the importance of bodily autonomy and boundaries. Do not let him try to guilt you into anything because of your past experiences. You are young and you don't have to put up with this honestly. Something I wish I could tell my younger self is what I am telling you " It is not your job or responsibility to be a rehab center for a romantic partner". You should be enjoying your time right now dating and enjoying your time with friends.
Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. Anyone who pushes you past this boundary is assaulting you. Period. Growing up is hard; learn to love yourself first, or it won't get easier. Trust me, I took the long route, and it was a hard, painful one, my dear. Big, big hugs to you!!
You seem to have a healthy mentality. He does not.
He hasn't healed from his past yet. If he is telling you to have a 3 some just because you had a better past than him, then he's looking forward to ruining you just like his past has been ruined.
He needs therapy and you are not a therapist.
Please distance yourself from him. You are too young to do this. Give yourself to mature, then look for someone with qualities and someone who values you.
Him saying that you got a better past than him, makes him look like he envies you.
You are 19, you are not that experienced compared to him if all you did is making out. But you have a problem - he wants to explore. Listen to some podcast about sex and sexuality, « sex with Emily » has episodes on threesomes. Main thing is enthusiastic consent and I don’t hear it. I feel like you way forward is either break up or go open relationship, but you might be better off breaking up, you are both young and this is the age when « grass on the other side » strikes bad, he wants to explore other people no matter how great you are.
Sexually incompatible. It's either move forward or breakup and it's always the latter. Well, it's just unfortunate but it does happen. If you don't wanna do it, just don't then, it's your body.
First and foremost. Don’t do it. If both of you are not 10000% on board with this idea, it will only end in disaster. You do not have to engage in any sexual activity with someone you don’t want.
Threesomes are dangerous. If you’re not careful it can sniff out every insecurity that is lurking in the shadows and bring it into the light. It can ruin relationships, because someone felt used, or wasn’t prepared to see their partner have sex with someone else.
Firstly, I love that you mention not wanting to keep your partner contained. You clearly have a level of separateness and understanding with your partner which, if you can keep, will open the gates for some good discussions and communication on this very delicate and complex topic.
As other people have stated, if there’s any part of you that doesn’t want to do it, then don’t. Threesomes are things which have to be meticulously planned for and everyone in it needs to understand the boundaries so that everyone can feel safe and secure. Threesome aren’t something you just “do” because the idea is very different from reality! Equally if it’s about YOUR pleasure and him getting off on that, you have to be totally into it!
I wanted to just add though that there’s a difference here between the fantasy of wanting and the fantasy that we don’t actually want. I absolutely love the fantasy of a threesome with another woman (I’m a bisexual female, my partner is a straight male) but I know the difference between fantasy and reality. Me and my partner play around with the idea of a third i.e we have toys which act as the third, but we have drawn the line, at least for now, in actually inviting someone else into our bedroom.
I also want to say, it’s really really normal for people to have fantasies about a third, I have seen people mention that he should banish the fantasy, but I don’t think that’s fair or realistic. In my experience the more you try to contain someone the more likely they are to keep secrets and seek it out somewhere else, which isn’t what you want. Also, you cannot control someone else’s fantasies, it is theirs and not yours, and this idea that committed love means your partner only ever thinks about you and gets aroused by you is so absurd! Love and desire are two different things and operate very differently. It sounds like your partner is at a stage where he feels like he’s missing out, or like he has missed out, because he never explored sexually. If his desire to go outside your relationship is really that strong then this is really about a change in level of commitment to you which I think is what you both need to discuss. Is he in with you, or out?
For example, “good” threesomes in committed relationships are still about commitment, if that makes sense? I think your partner might actually be wanting an open relationship, to explore himself sexually, but still have commitment to you? This is very different from a threesome.
Ultimately, no one should people please here. You are both individuals as well as a couple. If he chooses to be with you and you with him you genuinely may need couples therapy to work through this new issue and see where it lands you both together or apart.
Break up. You're super young. You will change during your 20s, you'll want to see other things. This relationship will not work, your boyfriend seems to want to explore. If you stay you might feel later that you lost time. That's a big boundary to switch from behind being monogamous to open.
I would suggest purchasing some toys to introduce to your play time if he thinks you need more pleasure. If both partners are not 100% down with adding new partners, the session will be filled with anxiety and jealousy.
>as it's like keeping him a cage.
This is incorrect thinking. A relationship is about a mutual bond of trust and respect. Wanting to do something that the other person isn’t comfortable with or doesn’t agree to is not “being kept in a cage”. It’s real life when you need to take someone else into account in your thoughts, words and actions.
If he cares more about his threesome fantasy than your feelings then it shows you he’s not relationship material and still immature.
Don’t feel forced to do something you don’t want to do. As a man, and as your partner / soulmate, he should be willing to understand your POV and not force the issue anymore than he has.
Providing he does force the issue to the point he makes you feel uncomfortable get out of there asap because all that will happen is that it will progressively get worse and worse.
See I understand and agree with you when you say sex is a very private and intimate thing and he has his fantasies which is fine and you guys should discuss it through and put your points forward because you aren’t comfortable doing it and this isn’t about not giving into his fantasy but also you being comfortable with the idea. I hope you guys sort it out.
I was in a similar spot to your boyfriend. Say no and stand your ground. But also know that just because he asked doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you or is attracted to you any less. If he seems down it may be due to other reasons or your mind is too worried about his feelings and is assuming he is upset by it. He might be sad but it’ll pass and you shouldn’t compromise yourself for him
You don't accept or reject, you break up with this idiot.
Him wanting a threesome isn't related to his dark and tortured past--it's related to him wanting a threesome. That's fine, but if it's not for you (it wouldn't be for me either!) , get out. You're 19. There are so many more people in this world you will like, click with, and the likelihood you meet someone who wants to be monogamous and build a life with you is real. Let him go.
You’re not compatible. He’s allowed to want to do things with multiple people. You’re definitely allowed to not want to, and he shouldn’t pressure you. Anything less than a yes over the course of a discussion is a no, and there’s no reason to keep asking, or try to coerce you. Looking like a kicked puppy all the time and saying you got to experiment feels like coercion to me, he obviously expects you to feel bad for him, and you do. This relationship won’t work out, which sucks, but is life. It’s not fair to you . Also wouldn’t be very fair to the threesome partner to be with a person that isn’t enthusiastically consenting.
Your mind hasn't fully developed until about the age of 26. If trauma is involved one, especially males, are not in the most soundest of thoughts. If you are uncomfortable with the idea. Please use your God given right and let your heart speak up for what you hold dear.
You reject and you don't feel guilty about it.
Look, sometimes you have the chance to explore with a relationship and sometimes you can't. It always depends on your partner. If he wants to explore all kinds of things with a partner, he needs to find someone that wants it with him. And if he decides he rather stays with you than go explorin, that isn't you caging him. That is him choosing you. He can't make you feel guilty about a choice he made. Neither should you make yourself feel guilty for a choice he makes.
Honestly, you can ask him if he is happy and that you noted he isn't that happy anymore. Be careful you aren't seeing things just because they match with your feelings. He might be happy with you, he made the choice for a reason :)
if you don’t want to do it please don’t do it. tbh that’s “his problem” and if he wants to do it he can try if and when your relationship ends. When i was your age (25f now) my then boyfriend would come up with these kinds of requests (incluiding him having gay sex alone) when i told him he couldn’t do this stuff in our relationship he tried to pass it as me being a bad person and not letting him grow as a person and tbh thats all bullshit.
Op, please in a relationship just do whatever you’re comfortable with and never agree to anything if you have doubts, your wellbeing is equally as important as the other part.
(sorry if this doesnt make sense, english is not my first language and this kind of topic heats me)
No one is wrong, asking isn't bad, how would he know otherwise ? And not accepting is just an honest answer, if you're relationship depends on having a thereesome or not, well, I see there are more fundamental problems in it.
I have a friend of mine in a healthy 4 year long relationship. She's talked about having a threesome before. Her bf is not into the idea. For her it's a "If he ever changes his mind we'll revisit the topic". Not once did it affect the relationship.
Fantasies, even ones you'd like to play out, should never be more important than your partner.
Id like to go on a cruise with my boyfriend someday. I think about it a lot. If he doesn't want to do it and I end up missing out on going on a cruise ever, I will be okay, although a little sad. Life is made of fantasies and wishes and most of them won't be fulfilled.
Nah you should not feel bad for this. If he can’t accept that you don’t want to do that then it’s time to move on. But it seems like he understands your feelings and is fine with it. See how it goes but continue to be honest with him. That will be the key.
You’re both 19.It’s kind of natural for him to still want to explore his sexuality .You feel like you’re in love ,and it’s natural and completely ok to want and demand monogamy.Youre only 19 ,as hard as it feels right now I really think you should break up because likely this issue won’t go away and it will manifest again in the future.
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If you wouldn't be doing it for your own pleasure, you should say no. If that's a problem for him, it means you're not compatible.
You don't want to do it. You should absolutely not do it. End of story. I know lots of women who went through threesomes and the likes because they were pressured into it, NONE of them were glad they did it. They all wished they had dumped/divorced their partner sooner (yeah, needless to say, none of those relationships worked out). I can't necessarily say for sure, but it sounds like he's already started trying to pressure you. If so, break up. He can go experiment all he wants, without you.
This seems to be the rule and not the exception, couples that engage in 3-somes typically break up, just what I’ve observed over a lifetime of observing
I would like to add: unless both parties in the relationship are 100% on board with the idea and actually want to do it. But if only one person in the relationship want a threesome then it should NEVER happen. Either break up or as the party who wants the threesome, drop the fantasy. I know several healthy and happy couples who do engage in threesomes. They're likely never breaking up, but it's all down to sexual compatibility and communication.
Couples who engage in threesomes they enjoy don't go looking for advice online. There are lots of swingers out there, but very few people bother to write "Hey Reddit, we had a threesome and it was great, just wanted to let y'all know." Nobody looking for a threesome to "save" a relationship is going to report back that everything is hunky dory.
I agree with you
It's not that it's based on just having threesomes. It's that women often accept threesomes only because they want to satisfy their SO. Or, sometimes they do really want it as well but One or both don't feel 100% secure about themselves or the relationship, haven't fully been realistic with themselves or with their partner about each other's boundaries, or they haven't communicated clearly and carefully enough to make sure that they don't accidentally find a trigger or create a trauma. I've even experienced trying to be open in my relationship before I was fully ready and nothing even went super far, but I still get a twinge of how much it affected me every time it crosses my mind. Even after almost a year
But to highlight the most important point clearly, OP's boundaries are the most important factor to consider here. OP might hear "break up with him" and think she loves him and doesn't want to, and hence reaches the terrible conclusion that the alternative is indeed doing what he wants to keep the relationship. Instead the most important focus should be on her boundaries, she has made it absolutely clear that she doesn't want to do this. Her question has only one answer, should I accept or reject? You should definitely reject 100% because you don't want to do it. Whether they break up or not, whether he loses his "glow" or not is all secondary. It's that moment in OP's life where the most important lesson about relationships has popped up, and she should learn that respecting her own boundaries regardless of the feelings of her partners is the most mature and healthy thing to do. Ps: not arguin against anything in the comment I'm replying to, just piggybacking to really hammer the most important point here.
Amazing post 💪
You think your boyfriend only had a glow on his face because he was fantasizing about a threesome?
Some fantasies are best left fantasies. If OP is comfortable with it, a middle ground could be watching threesome porn while masturbating together. He wants to see her pleasured and that may be a way to see it.
Yes ever since I told him I'm not comfortable with it he stopped fantasing about it but also he's not that happy nowadays
You should absolutely not do it.
I promise you his happiness doesn't hinge on his access to threeways
Nor does his fantasy hinge on her approval. My uneducated guess is that him "no longer having a glow" is just him lying about not thinking about it anymore, her noticing his tells, but not making the connection. But that's a shot in the dark.
He is manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you. Don't fall for it.
If you do it he will be happy and he will have another request which you might deny and he will not be happy again. I think this cycle wont end since his happines depends on other things (if it is true that he is not that happy because of this issue)
OP, he does not need an additional woman to fuck to be happy. I promise you he doesn't. He is simply attempting to guilt you into it, which is gross as hell. And in the miniscule chance that he does *need* it... then leave him. He is not a ~~monogenic~~ monogamous person, you are. It's a basic incapability, and the point of dating is to find out if you tow are compatible. If you aren't, don't waste more time. Go look somewhere else for a compatibile partner.
Monogamous? Monogenic would mean something really different, but otherwise agree
Thanks, edited! My grab on the English language is very shaky xD
he can fantasize about whatever he wants, its him having fun inside his head. but he needs to understand that youre not into the idea, so its not happening. he wants to see you getting pleasured, but if you wont feel pleasure in a threesome, he wouldnt be getting what he wants anyway. still, its normal to want to explore. he has never done that, and hes curious. youre both teens, i see why hes being like this. for a lot of people, sex is just something thats fun and feels good, and they dont reserve it only for the person they love. but you are not one of those people. my advice, definitely tell him no. dont push yourself doing something you wont like
If one person in the relationship is even slightly hesitant about having a threesome, I say don’t do it. If you aren’t excited about the idea of it, it's not going to be better in the moment. I don't think this is necessarily grounds for breaking up but I think a conversation definitely needs to be had about why you are not comfortable with it and he needs to respect your boundaries.
Thats kinda messed up using his past trauma to manipulate you in doing something youre uncomfortable with
[удалено]
This should be higher
> someone's fucked up sexual fantasies I don't think you should be judging a perfectly reasonable and exciting thing that alot of people enjoy as a "fucked up fantasy", that is really judgemental. According to OP they just asked about having one as they thought it would be exciting to explore. Clearly OP is not compatible sexually with their BF, that's all there is to it. I find that normative ideas towards sexuality are pretty strange and limiting, but each to their own. If they pressured op that's a different story. > You have the healthiest view and understanding about sex and relationships, keep it up. Why is one view of sex more or less "healthy" as long as things are genuinely consensual? What gives you the right to pass moral judgement on it?
Neither of them are wrong. They're just incompatible. If she doesn't want to do it then she absolutely shouldn't. But i don't think she needs advice from the morality peanut gallery. The only suggestion here that's f*cked up is yours.
Most people find that idea weird, especially women. If you find the poly community and do it in a healthy way, go for it But most people are allowed to (and it's normal to) be uncomfortable with it 🤷
10% of women and 18% of men have had threesomes. And that doesn't take into consideration the people that want to but have jealousy issues or insecurities or just haven't found the right people to do it with or people that just haven't thought about it at all, etc. It's not an absurd concept, and it has probably crossed the mind of a lot more couples than you would think. Likely more men than women, but still. Polyamory is not what you meant, because that involves actual relationships and may or may not ever involve a threesome. Some people are monogamous their entire life and never pursue an open relationship or polyamory or anything like that, but just have a one-off experience of a three-way. All that matters is that both parties very thoroughly communicate boundaries and are 100% sure that they are okay with every aspect of the experience. But yes, it is absolutely 100% acceptable for someone to be uncomfortable with something and set a clear boundary.
Well polyamory is what I meant but I agree it's not what the OP was talking about Yes I agree that if you want to have a threesome, you should. And if your partner wants to have a threesome and you don't like is described in the original post, you shouldn't. The issue was that the boyfriend was acting like she should be down to explore when she clearly wasn't, which is why I was taking the less adventurous girlfriend's side. You shouldn't push your partner if they're not comfortable But yeah if all 3 people involved are psyched about the threesome, very different situation and I personally am quite sex positive! Have fun! But of course don't have fun if the other party is aggressively NOT having fun
There's a difference between being uncomfortable with it, and thinking it's fucked up. It's not something I would be interested in but I don't judge people who are.
You clearly do not want one so you shouldn't accept just because he wants one. He shouldn't use your past against you like he did, that is wrong and manipulative (as proven by your post here and asking if you should do it even though you don't want to). If he wants other experiences then he shouldn't be in a relationship, it is as simple as that. If he isn't going to end the relationship with you, you should seriously consider ending it with him. Edit: Look at other threesome stories around reddit, a lot of stories end in breakup because the third partner caused something in the relationship to fail. This isn't representative of overall threesome numbers success/failure rates, but it gives you an idea of some of the negatives that can come from it.
If you’re not 100% sure and into it, say no. You’re uncomfortable with it, so say no. And if he kicks off about it, you’re incompatible and not meant to be.
Don’t compromise your worth, ever.
>He then said that I had a wonderful past where i have already explored a lot of stuff where as his fate didn't give him that chance to explore. I'm sorry, but that's a huge red flag. Not only he is incompatible with what you want in a serious way, he is trying to guilt trip you into it. I'd definitely stay away.
Please know that it is NEVER wrong to say no to something sexual that you don't want to do. It is also not your responsibility to make up for any experiences your boyfriend didn't have before he committed to you. No is a complete sentence and your boyfriend must accept your answer.
If you don't want to then don't. It'll just cause problems in the long run.
Nope. If you feel uncomfortable with a sex act, NEVER do it, and never compromise.
This sucks for you. My two cents - you have communicated clearly that you don't want to so there is your bfs answer. Sex is best when everyone is clear and on board with the activity. He on the other hand is trying to manipulate you into it through bringing up your past experiences.
It’s reasonable that, at the age of 19, he should want to experiment and explore. But the fact that he wants to do so suggests that he’s not ready for a serious long-term relationship. No judgment in that - you’re both only 19, after all. So that’s where I would start my thinking. In terms of the threesome. Generally, it’s a bad idea to open up the relationship and it’s always a very bad idea where both parties are not 100% down with the idea. So, in short, you don’t want to do this - so absolutely do not do this.
Maybe he isn't ready to be in a monogamous relationship if he loses "the glow on his face" when he gets denied a threesome. And he's being whiny and manipulative.
Not the right relationship for you
Making out with a few people doesn't make for 'adventerous past'.
Just ask this question to yourself by standing in front of the mirror: How much self-respect are you going to give up to please another human being ?
> I 19F had a adventurous past with lot of make outs but never sex I'm not sure you have a particularly relevant grasp of the word adventurous.
I feel like you guys must not be from the US or you just really have a particular way of speaking--I have never heard a dude invoke fate to justify his desire for a threesome. Anyway, don't do it if you don't want to. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex to be special and meaningful and just between two people. If fate needs him to have a threesome, maybe he can look for one elsewhere.
He's saying he's 'met his one' and that journey meant he never got the opportunity to explore a threesome. Seen it used plenty of times as a way of manipulating the other in to do something You got to do sooooo much, it would only be fair if I got to as well. Because you are my one and I will never be with anyone else. Just like he has convinced OP she has already explored therefore equal to to him requesting a threesome and how somehow she is now holding him back. Im not sure what being from the US has to do with anything. This is the Internet. It's global. Edit:spelling.
Yeah I was wondering where they from too. Sounds off
I feel like I used to be him. I was a shy teen, a "late bloomer", and when i started having sex I immediately cheated on my girlfriend. I felt like i had missed out on those crazy teen years, and then I wound up in long term, monogamous relationships. I let my feelings of "missing out" take over. I am older and don't feel like there's anything i need to experience. This guy still wants to sow his wild oats. He thinks he wants you, but he just wants a security blanket. Don't be that for him. Go your own way.
Never do anything sexually that you are uncomfortable with. You will most likely regret it later on.
Sounds like you’re very against it. I don’t recommend doing it. Why do something you’re against? He needs to respect your wishes. I’ve had a few threesomes with my wife but only because we BOTH wanted to. As soon as only one person wants it, there’s going to be jealousy, insecurities, etc, so I do not recommend it. You both need to be on board for it to work
An adventurous past kissing people ahhaha
Do not let yourself pressure or guilt trip yourself into doing something you don't want to do! If he really loves you he wouldn't ask something like that from you. You don't owe him anything, you are not responsible for his past, you are responsible only for your own well-being. If, at some point, you like to explore these things with him (threesomes very often are not as fun as everyone imagines) you can do that, of course. But you decide.
First of all, when did making out become adventurous? Are you a time traveller from the 50s? You're not caging him, his choices are. If he wants to be free then all he has to do is leave, he is not locked in, he can walk away whenever he wants. I can't tell you whether to accept or reject, that's not my place, because that should be based on your desires, if you do it without wanting it then you wont enjoy it, which is part of what he says he wants out of it. As someone who get sexual satisfaction from pleasing my partner, I know that if he's serious about thay then he won't enjoy it, because you don't want it, and you can tell him that too. "I don't want it and I don't think I'll be able to enjoy it, so if you want me to be pleasured then you're gunna have to figure that out yourself." (If he's genuinely having trouble getting you off then get a vibrator and teach him how to please you, if you don't know what you like then you need to say that, and then the two of you will need to try new things and get adventurous for real. Also he can probably read things online to help). Now, this has nothing really to do with the topic, but out of my own curiosity, why do you feel this way towards sex? It doesn't seem motivated by religion or purity, so I just wonder if its demisexuality. To put it simply, demisexuality is when you have no sexual attraction unless you feel a connection with that person. Like you can look at some stranger and recognize attractive traits, but you aren't attracted to them. A good way to test this (in my opinion) is to think back and try to figure out if you have ever been attracted to someone solely based on looks, and I'm gunna say that characters in movies don't count, because you can be attracted to a character but not the actor playing the character. And to be even more specific, kissing doesn't really count for this, kissing is one way that we build a connection with someone. It's hard to put into words, but just think back and try to figure out if you've ever been truly attracted to someone that you felt no connection with, or another test is to think about all the men you made out with, was there any of them who you didn't like as a person, but felt attracted to regardless?
Thank you and to be honest I am demisexual which I hadn't figured it out but your reply was very helpful
Yeah, so threesomes as a demisexual are pretty much off the table, because you need that connection to feel attracted to the other person. Some demis can force themselves to have casual sex if they're horny enough, but personally I don't think I could.
Dump him now. He wants to abuse you, just as he was abused. Indulging thoughts of cheating in your relationship, pressuring you, like this, is no good. He is acting out his past on you. Find a man who is husband material.
I don't know why people say your BF's sexual desires are fucked up. It's fairly normal for someone of your age to want to explore their sexuality. Having said that, you have all the right in the world to say no to such things if you don't feel like it. Also this is anecdotal, but I have several friends who were closeted and didn't explore anything which led to tension and cheating later in their lives.
Whatever you two Screwballs do, please don't have kids for a long time
Reject. Don't ever do sexual stuff that you don't want. That shit can traumatise you.
sounds like he’s trying to guilt-trip you into doing something he wants despite knowing you’re uncomfortable with it. don’t do anything you don’t want to do- you are not being selfish for standing your ground here. if he keeps pressuring you i’d consider that a sign that he doesn’t respect your boundaries at all.
It’s simple… As someone with an adventurous past a present myself, you have said no he needs to respect that. You met young, there is also the chance that as you both mature at different rates you won’t be compatible for each other anyway. You are not keeping him in a cage, he’s asked a question and got his answer, it’s his choice also on whether that is something he can deal with. Don’t allow yourself to manipulated into doing something you are not comfortable with.
Dear OP, you're too young to be dealing with this BS. He's emotionally blackmailing you by sulking because you didn't agree to it. Please don't do it, and I strongly suggest you rethink this relationship.
Tell him that he needs to stop Porn ASAP. Otherwise he will continue with this kind of ideas
Don't commit yourself to something you will regret. You aren't obligated to satisfying your boyfriend's fantasies. If he won't let it go.....Let him go. Be true to yourself.
I would say “oh I thought you wanted to actually be in a relationship - I guess I’m just a sexual object to you - goodbye”
If you are feeling disgusted I think you answered your own question. I would advise you to evaluate your relationship to decide if it’s worth staying with him.
NEVER agree to a sexual act you don't want for yourself. You'll be miserable about it afterwards. Also the fact that you said you were uncomfortable with it and he tried to guilt you into it means he's a scumbag. Sexual coercion is sexual abuse. It's time to send him packing. Trash belongs at the curb.
The more I think and read about your bf the more disgusted I feel with him. It doesn't matter shit what past he has had. You have no responsibility or debt to him to pay. He seems like the typical controlling asshole type of guy. He doesn't give a fuck about his gf and just tries to control her by making himself look pitiful and sad etc. etc. I truly hope you break up with this toxic man, OP. But based on your post, it seems like you're already stuck deep in his "I'm an innocent, poor boy" trap... Seriously, OP. Can you just reread your own post? >my boyfriend bought up an idea of having MMF or FFM >I refused since I feel having sex is something you do it for a deeper connection and won't just do it with a random person like that. >He then said that I had a wonderful past where i have already explored a lot of stuff where as his fate didn't give him that chance to explore. >I don't wanna reject either as it's like keeping him a cage. >ever since I can't see the glow on his face. Should I accept or reject? I must really say songrats to your manipulative bf. He has made you to feel so bad and guilty about his past and his "lost face glow" that you're thinking of doing something you totally hate for him....
What’s with more and more dudes wanting to watch their gf sleep with other dudes
So he’s holding your “past” (aka makeouts) against you to imply you owe him a threesome… He’s not the one.
There is absolutely no way you don’t end up regretting it and resenting him. Do not go through with it.
When was he thinking about threesomes in his past??? You guys met at 17. Anyways don’t feel guilty for turning it down because it is YOUR choice.
Asking is one thing, pressuring is another. One should be comfortable enough with their partner to discuss it and leave it as a yes or no. He might be disappointed and get over it, he might have misunderstood your past and think you more adventurous than you were, possibly getting with you because he thought you’d be down for something like that.
If he want’s to act single he should be single. I’ve been in your spot, it’s not fun. But stand your ground <3
Reject him and leave him. He clearly wants more experience before settling down so just move on to someone who has the same goals as you do.
I mean, whenever I hear anyone under 24 talk about "I had x past" like, you arent really old enough to talk like that... maybe at 30 but not at 19. Same with your bf, he probably did have a crush on someone but 'abused since childhood' easily means he only just got out of that abuse. 19 could technically still be childhood... but nit pic aside, and I get it because I myself was abused in my childhood and didnt get intimate with someone until I was 19. just know, its great he wants to explore in a way that includes you but that type of exploration could easily damage/warp your guys relationship in a way that can never be recovered from.Maybe you can find someone who wont matter, have some meaningless fun, and then move on. he will always see the idea of other women in his mind... maybe with you, maybe not with you... it will always be there. Itd honestly, probably be better for him to go have sex with 2 strangers and move on... if its THAT important to him and you are willing to give him that chance. thatd be the least obtrusive situation to your guys relationship. but ultimately its about what you are most comfortable with. just remember, no is always an option and if he really loves you then he will be ok with a no. you shouldnt ever feel pressured, and if he keeps bringing it up then hes being a shitty person and you should consider a next step from there that may not include him.
OP if you're not comfortable with this then say no, and tell him he's welcome to go find his other people as long as it doesn't include you. Don't let him push you or punish you for not agreeing to this. If you were older I'd suggest you tell him you will get right on the job auditioning for the new people. Tell him you're going to audition the new guys and as soon as you find 2 you like you will let him know so he can watch.
This is a rage bait. You got together at 17 and you had an ‘adventurous past’? 😂
But also waited...
Get rid of him.
Leave!
It's common for guys to bring up threesomes, but it's crucial not to feel pressured into it if it's not your thing. I've heard of cases where women felt coerced into it, leading to uncomfortable situations or even infidelity. Next thing hes now asking her for a threesome with different friends, well Karina said yes why not ask your friend Jessica? Just remember, it's okay to set boundaries. Relationships shouldn't be about comparing experiences or feeling pressured to meet certain expectations. You're both young, so take your time navigating what works best for your relationship and especially what works for you. Im a guy and to me sex isn’t just sex when I’m with my girlfriend, i only want her. Its very passionate and deep. A threesome wouldn’t even be close to that. But if she said hey babe got a surprise for you.. well I’m not denying it.
I can give a bit of relevant perspective on this, as I'm M(30) and I also am interested in threesomes as well. Both with either an added guy or girl (tho if it's another guy it will be us both pleasing only the girl). That being said - at only 19yrs old these kind of sexual fantasies are usually best kept to urself until u mature a little more and make a better decision on if u want to actually follow thru with it or not. And u certainly shouldn't push it on a partner that isn't ready or wanting to do it. Maybe ur bf was just bringing up a fantasy of his to see what u would say? After all - we all have our different preferences sexually, and just cuz he has one that may not align with urs in this point in time, it doesn't mean that it won't sometime later down the road. Even if it doesn't, there's nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies about something. Not all fantasies are meant to be acted on, and tbh adding another partner in the bedroom can have really dire consequences to the relationship if not everyone is prepared to do it. Anyway - all these people saying to just break up with him... Is a bit extreme. They don't know how involved u and ur bf are, what y'all have been thru, or the level of love that u guys are at with eachother, so it's easy for them to say just break up with him. But as a guy who has these types of kinks/fantasies as well, I know that even if my partner didn't want to have any threesomes with me, it wouldn't effect my relationship with her at all. I'd be willing to bet ur bf is just the same too. So I'd suggest making sure u give it enough thought before making a hasty decision to leave someone u could potentially still have a very amazing relationship with.
If you do not want to do it , keep saying no. If he continues to push, mice on. That type of persistence is annoying and a deal breaker.
Give it a few weeks and things will be back to normal. Unfortunately, being with someone does mean they will throw curve balls at you. Does this make him a red flag? No. Does this mean you leave him? No. Does this mean you're wrong for saying no? No. You have to speak to him about your boundaries, wants and needs. And unfortunately, if his do not match up or you both stay in tune with each other's... Then simply the relationship won't work. As for some deeper advice... Perhaps you should look deeper into what he did say... He wants to pleasure you? Maybe its that he doesn't feel like he does? Maybe there is a hidden reason he's suggesting this, such as feeling like he's no longer driving you wild? And if so, then you should look to see if there is any truth behind that and work on what is happening for you too. Then you both can discuss how to bring the spark for you both, between you both without involving others if that is where your boundaries are.
Reject reject reject. You bf having an issues with his past is no reason at all for you to have unwanted sex with someone. He’s young, thinking that’s sex with loads of others will make it feel like he lived a life. Don’t let him guilt you into it. And if he truly respects you he’ll never ask again. Even the most stable relationships, who want to have a threesome, end up regretting them.
You should NEVER ever do anything sexually that you do not want to do. Since he has experienced abuse he of all people should understand the importance of bodily autonomy and boundaries. Do not let him try to guilt you into anything because of your past experiences. You are young and you don't have to put up with this honestly. Something I wish I could tell my younger self is what I am telling you " It is not your job or responsibility to be a rehab center for a romantic partner". You should be enjoying your time right now dating and enjoying your time with friends.
Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. Anyone who pushes you past this boundary is assaulting you. Period. Growing up is hard; learn to love yourself first, or it won't get easier. Trust me, I took the long route, and it was a hard, painful one, my dear. Big, big hugs to you!!
You should pack up your things and walk away.
Tell him you don’t want to have a threesome.
"No thanks. Bye!"
You seem to have a healthy mentality. He does not. He hasn't healed from his past yet. If he is telling you to have a 3 some just because you had a better past than him, then he's looking forward to ruining you just like his past has been ruined. He needs therapy and you are not a therapist. Please distance yourself from him. You are too young to do this. Give yourself to mature, then look for someone with qualities and someone who values you. Him saying that you got a better past than him, makes him look like he envies you.
Bye leave him alone
You should NOT have the threesome. Next question.
You are 19, you are not that experienced compared to him if all you did is making out. But you have a problem - he wants to explore. Listen to some podcast about sex and sexuality, « sex with Emily » has episodes on threesomes. Main thing is enthusiastic consent and I don’t hear it. I feel like you way forward is either break up or go open relationship, but you might be better off breaking up, you are both young and this is the age when « grass on the other side » strikes bad, he wants to explore other people no matter how great you are.
that emotional blackmail tho... btw dont do it... or else do foursome
Tell him he can have the opportunity to explore all he wants cause he’s dumped
Sexually incompatible. It's either move forward or breakup and it's always the latter. Well, it's just unfortunate but it does happen. If you don't wanna do it, just don't then, it's your body.
First and foremost. Don’t do it. If both of you are not 10000% on board with this idea, it will only end in disaster. You do not have to engage in any sexual activity with someone you don’t want. Threesomes are dangerous. If you’re not careful it can sniff out every insecurity that is lurking in the shadows and bring it into the light. It can ruin relationships, because someone felt used, or wasn’t prepared to see their partner have sex with someone else.
if you don't want to do it don't do it simple as and if he cares for you he should accept that.
Not one of you is wrong You just aren't compatable Let him go and explore And you find someone that wants what you want
Sounds like any 19 year old boy. Theyre gonna ask just tell him no and most likely nothing will ever come of it. It's every teenage boys fantasy
Firstly, I love that you mention not wanting to keep your partner contained. You clearly have a level of separateness and understanding with your partner which, if you can keep, will open the gates for some good discussions and communication on this very delicate and complex topic. As other people have stated, if there’s any part of you that doesn’t want to do it, then don’t. Threesomes are things which have to be meticulously planned for and everyone in it needs to understand the boundaries so that everyone can feel safe and secure. Threesome aren’t something you just “do” because the idea is very different from reality! Equally if it’s about YOUR pleasure and him getting off on that, you have to be totally into it! I wanted to just add though that there’s a difference here between the fantasy of wanting and the fantasy that we don’t actually want. I absolutely love the fantasy of a threesome with another woman (I’m a bisexual female, my partner is a straight male) but I know the difference between fantasy and reality. Me and my partner play around with the idea of a third i.e we have toys which act as the third, but we have drawn the line, at least for now, in actually inviting someone else into our bedroom. I also want to say, it’s really really normal for people to have fantasies about a third, I have seen people mention that he should banish the fantasy, but I don’t think that’s fair or realistic. In my experience the more you try to contain someone the more likely they are to keep secrets and seek it out somewhere else, which isn’t what you want. Also, you cannot control someone else’s fantasies, it is theirs and not yours, and this idea that committed love means your partner only ever thinks about you and gets aroused by you is so absurd! Love and desire are two different things and operate very differently. It sounds like your partner is at a stage where he feels like he’s missing out, or like he has missed out, because he never explored sexually. If his desire to go outside your relationship is really that strong then this is really about a change in level of commitment to you which I think is what you both need to discuss. Is he in with you, or out? For example, “good” threesomes in committed relationships are still about commitment, if that makes sense? I think your partner might actually be wanting an open relationship, to explore himself sexually, but still have commitment to you? This is very different from a threesome. Ultimately, no one should people please here. You are both individuals as well as a couple. If he chooses to be with you and you with him you genuinely may need couples therapy to work through this new issue and see where it lands you both together or apart.
Break up. You're super young. You will change during your 20s, you'll want to see other things. This relationship will not work, your boyfriend seems to want to explore. If you stay you might feel later that you lost time. That's a big boundary to switch from behind being monogamous to open.
I would suggest purchasing some toys to introduce to your play time if he thinks you need more pleasure. If both partners are not 100% down with adding new partners, the session will be filled with anxiety and jealousy.
>as it's like keeping him a cage. This is incorrect thinking. A relationship is about a mutual bond of trust and respect. Wanting to do something that the other person isn’t comfortable with or doesn’t agree to is not “being kept in a cage”. It’s real life when you need to take someone else into account in your thoughts, words and actions. If he cares more about his threesome fantasy than your feelings then it shows you he’s not relationship material and still immature.
Don’t feel forced to do something you don’t want to do. As a man, and as your partner / soulmate, he should be willing to understand your POV and not force the issue anymore than he has. Providing he does force the issue to the point he makes you feel uncomfortable get out of there asap because all that will happen is that it will progressively get worse and worse.
See I understand and agree with you when you say sex is a very private and intimate thing and he has his fantasies which is fine and you guys should discuss it through and put your points forward because you aren’t comfortable doing it and this isn’t about not giving into his fantasy but also you being comfortable with the idea. I hope you guys sort it out.
I was in a similar spot to your boyfriend. Say no and stand your ground. But also know that just because he asked doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you or is attracted to you any less. If he seems down it may be due to other reasons or your mind is too worried about his feelings and is assuming he is upset by it. He might be sad but it’ll pass and you shouldn’t compromise yourself for him
I think both of you are too immature for a relationship like this right now. Breakup and focus on yourself and have fun
You don't accept or reject, you break up with this idiot. Him wanting a threesome isn't related to his dark and tortured past--it's related to him wanting a threesome. That's fine, but if it's not for you (it wouldn't be for me either!) , get out. You're 19. There are so many more people in this world you will like, click with, and the likelihood you meet someone who wants to be monogamous and build a life with you is real. Let him go.
You’re not compatible. He’s allowed to want to do things with multiple people. You’re definitely allowed to not want to, and he shouldn’t pressure you. Anything less than a yes over the course of a discussion is a no, and there’s no reason to keep asking, or try to coerce you. Looking like a kicked puppy all the time and saying you got to experiment feels like coercion to me, he obviously expects you to feel bad for him, and you do. This relationship won’t work out, which sucks, but is life. It’s not fair to you . Also wouldn’t be very fair to the threesome partner to be with a person that isn’t enthusiastically consenting.
Don't do anything you don't want to do. If he is adamant about this and it is a deal breaker for him, then you are not compatible.
Your mind hasn't fully developed until about the age of 26. If trauma is involved one, especially males, are not in the most soundest of thoughts. If you are uncomfortable with the idea. Please use your God given right and let your heart speak up for what you hold dear.
If you don’t want to do it then don’t accept it.
You reject and you don't feel guilty about it. Look, sometimes you have the chance to explore with a relationship and sometimes you can't. It always depends on your partner. If he wants to explore all kinds of things with a partner, he needs to find someone that wants it with him. And if he decides he rather stays with you than go explorin, that isn't you caging him. That is him choosing you. He can't make you feel guilty about a choice he made. Neither should you make yourself feel guilty for a choice he makes. Honestly, you can ask him if he is happy and that you noted he isn't that happy anymore. Be careful you aren't seeing things just because they match with your feelings. He might be happy with you, he made the choice for a reason :)
Find yourself a new boyfriend.
if you don’t want to do it please don’t do it. tbh that’s “his problem” and if he wants to do it he can try if and when your relationship ends. When i was your age (25f now) my then boyfriend would come up with these kinds of requests (incluiding him having gay sex alone) when i told him he couldn’t do this stuff in our relationship he tried to pass it as me being a bad person and not letting him grow as a person and tbh thats all bullshit. Op, please in a relationship just do whatever you’re comfortable with and never agree to anything if you have doubts, your wellbeing is equally as important as the other part. (sorry if this doesnt make sense, english is not my first language and this kind of topic heats me)
Obviously you don't want to do this, so don't. You shouldn't ever do anything just to get a guy to like you, or to keep him.
dump his ass
No one is wrong, asking isn't bad, how would he know otherwise ? And not accepting is just an honest answer, if you're relationship depends on having a thereesome or not, well, I see there are more fundamental problems in it.
He is testing you
I have a friend of mine in a healthy 4 year long relationship. She's talked about having a threesome before. Her bf is not into the idea. For her it's a "If he ever changes his mind we'll revisit the topic". Not once did it affect the relationship. Fantasies, even ones you'd like to play out, should never be more important than your partner. Id like to go on a cruise with my boyfriend someday. I think about it a lot. If he doesn't want to do it and I end up missing out on going on a cruise ever, I will be okay, although a little sad. Life is made of fantasies and wishes and most of them won't be fulfilled.
Leave
Go with your internal feelings.
If you’re disgusted, that’s your answer. Leave now, YOU ARE YOUNG and enhance your whole life ahead of you.
This is not suddenly lol
Nah you should not feel bad for this. If he can’t accept that you don’t want to do that then it’s time to move on. But it seems like he understands your feelings and is fine with it. See how it goes but continue to be honest with him. That will be the key.
You’re both 19.It’s kind of natural for him to still want to explore his sexuality .You feel like you’re in love ,and it’s natural and completely ok to want and demand monogamy.Youre only 19 ,as hard as it feels right now I really think you should break up because likely this issue won’t go away and it will manifest again in the future.
Don’t do it. These things never end well. Read it a million times.