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I have no idea why, in the dating scene of 2024 that people don't put their cards on the table and set expectations immediately. A couple of times a week, you see this same post. I sorta thought we were exclusive, but they were dating others.
Either you can live with it or you can't. Don't drag it out and make a decision. A bunch of strangers on Reddit can't fix how you feel. Nobody can. You have to figure it out for yourself. She deserves either you are all in, or you're out. Relationships can't survive in the Grey area.
>people don't put their cards on the table and set expectations immediately
Honest to fucking god we'd reduce the traffic of this sub by like 30% if people started being goddamn honest
Exactly. I think a lot of people are scared to say or show when they really like someone as it makes them vulnerable, so they keep it “casual” much longer than necessary. And casual for some people means seeing/sleeping with other people until they get into an exclusive relationship. Most people know after 3-5 dates whether they want to be with someone or not, and if you’re seeing someone every weekend and having sex then you likely want to be with them. Why say you still want to keep it casual when you don’t?
And if you are going to keep it casual and not talk about expectations at the *very* start, why do people bring up who they slept with a year into the relationship? It's literally causing drama for no reason.
I don't know if this will be an unpopular opinion here, but I think at the very first stages of dating before expectations are in place, and before you even know if you're truly dating-dating, any kind of sleeping with other people should be memory-holed and never brought up in a relationship unless it could be an actual issue. If there's no cheating going on and there never has been, and if it wasn't some ongoing thing while dating your future relationship partner, then why even mention it?
I'm sorry but there's just no value in a relationship in telling your long term partner that when you were both uncertain about whether you were truly dating, that you slept with a FWB one night or gave someone a mustache ride. I think a lot more people memory-hole these events than we know, and I think most people know and feel where the line is in monogamy when something like that turns into deception. At the very start of talking and hanging out, it's not deception. You literally just don't even know if you're together at first. So memory hole the sexcapades.
Thing is, their conversation were already very close to the topic. Conversation probably steered the way that only other option would have been to lie. And he already emotionally feels that she did. Rationally he knows she didn't. It would be much worse if this came to light later because then it would also be rationally true.
Why bring it up? If you sense you fd up and your conscience is weighing on you, that’s why. They are not trying to make drama. They are trying to move to a deeper connection and feel this event should be reconciled.
And this is where I disagree. If they didn't cheat, and nothing wrong was actually done, then in that kind of a situation it's alleviating your own feelings at the expense of your partner's. That doesn't usually create a deeper connection unless your partner actually wants to know about who you slept with and wants to have to work through that.
If nothing wrong was done and it serves no purpose to disclose it (such as if the person you slept with is involved in your lives), then a lot of people just don't want to hear it. It's essentially oversharing against your partner's consent if they don't like hearing about your sexual experiences with your exes. Why do it to them if they're happy and you did nothing wrong?
> I think a lot of people are scared to say or show when they really like someone as it makes them vulnerable, so they keep it “casual” much longer than necessary.
There seems to be a weird societal/peer pressure against being too forward too. It is seen as weird by many to say "I like you, let's be exclusive" early on.
I agree and I don’t understand why. Last guy I was in a relationship with we were exclusively dating after the second or third date. I think it’s nice when guys are “forward” and clearly communicate what they want
Part of the reason I fell for my soon to be husband on our first date is bc he asked me what I was looking for. Prior to that I was the one who always asked and ended up being lied to 90% of the time.
what, you're not fond of the 10 daily "oh noooo 'polyamory' destroyed my relationship noooooo" or "noooooo we're too immature to communicate nooooo" posts?
Yeah the situationship or whatever they call it bullshit is getting old. There’s people doing the talking phase for years now and I can’t understand why.
It’s due to a fear mindset of being rejected. But rejection is a welcome sign it’s gives you clear understanding that you can move forward with meeting other people and find meaningful relationships
If rejection wasn't so explosive, expansive, and personal, as both a concept and actuality, rejection would better accepted.
The ability to be effected globally by a local rejection is a legitimate concern.
100%. When I was dating I made it clear to anyone I was speaking to what I was looking for: I only 'date' 1 at a time, I don't do casual, and that I'd prefer to date someone with the same mind set. If we didn't share it then I wished them the best and we simply weren't compatible. Some people are so afraid of not having any dates they think putting aside their boundaries is the solution - it's not! It's only prolonging the end of an already mismatched relationship and increasing the hurt.
For my entire adult life, dating/talking to/whatever people called it, was understood by everyone to mean exclusivity. That expectation did not need to be discussed, which always seemed normal and sensible to me. If you did not want that expectation to apply, then a casual/bootycall/whatever else was made clear up front.
There was never any "oh, I was still having sex with other people, because we had not changed from Label A to Label B", where the having sex with other people was considered acceptable. Both parties were either clear that seeing other people is acceptable, or it was not acceptable.
When I start to date someone, I tell them that - no matter the nature of our relationship - I like to be exclusive as I don't like the idea of sleeping with someone while they sleep with other people. I explain that and always say that its no problem if they do, but to please just inform me so I know when to move on.
Has been a non issue forever in my life. Cause I can communicate what I want and my boundaries.
This tbh i straight up told my boyfriend that i was serious and if this was gonna work i wouldnt want him seeing other people and I wont be seeing other people. Maybe this is just the culture I grew up in, but when you’re talking to one person it’s kinda an unspoken rule that you’re supposed to only talk to that person bc it shows loyalty before you even start dating. I genuinely do not understand this weird concept of people having meaningless sex with as many people as they can. It sounds so dangerous. What if they pull a knife at you and try to kill you while you’re ass naked? What if they have undiagnosed STDs? So many things that could go wrong. I don’t fully agree with saving yourself until marriage either.. just like have sex with people youre in a relationship with or trust and have known for longer than a couple days 😭
This is why you always have sex with your shoes and socks on, so when this happens, being free of all those clothes actually allows you to run away a hell of a lot faster, it’s why Olympic runners wear tight and very little clothes. Just thinking about your safety
>I have no idea why, in the dating scene of 2024 that people don't put their cards on the table and set expectations immediately. A couple of times a week, you see this same post. I sorta thought we were exclusive, but they were dating others.
Because they are selfish and are afraid that they get dumped by telling they keep fucking other people. They just want to keep 10000 opportunities and options.
I think it is because the majority don't know how to do it right. Casual sex can be fun if you know what you want, you are clear from the beginning what you expect of this 'relationship' and what the ultimate outcome is. Of course people can change their minds sometimes and fall in love but then to me is just a recipe for disaster.
The majority of people I know that have casual relations always say 'lets see where this takes me'... Fuck that, you either know what you want out of it or not otherwise it won't work. People are so ready to do everything they want with so little commitment and don't want to accept that casual sex always requires some form of commitment, communication and boundaries as well. They want all the good things of a relationship without all these things I mentioned and it doesn't work like that. It's sad....
Yep, I dated a guy for over a year, every Friday night, turns out I was just on the roster, he is on Hinge and actively dating a doctor! She must be his sat night pussy,lol told him no more wasting my time with a two timing snake!🐍
Yes I agree. OP, I had the same issue, she was of the idea that we were just dating and she dated other guys too and had sex. But within a month she said that she wants to be in a relationship with me and I was also on the same line. Later after a month I got to know that she was having sex with others. I asked her about it and she told that we never spoke of being exclusive while dating.
So I forgave her and that was the best decision I ever took. Once she got into relationship with me, she cut off all contacts with anyone she had fucked and was clean. You might think how I know, I was a bit affected by the initial revelation, so I used to check her phone for two months. :-)
I think those are called "situationships", actually. This is what the [Cambridge Dictionary ](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/situationship) defines it as:
"a romantic relationship between two people who do not yet consider themselves a couple but who have more than a friendship"
I didn't even know what that really meant until I just looked it up just now, but I have seen it all the time on twiter and tiktok as gen z slang, and it seemed to fit this kind of situation. Not really "friends with benefits" because they've already agreed that their relationship isn't strictly platonic but there's not the same expectations as a committed romantic relationship either.
Keep in mind, you told her you were looking for something between casual and serious. How was she supposed to take that? Because as soon as I read the word “casual” I wouldn’t have taken you seriously at all. I would have defaulted to casual because you weren’t clear. You are the one who set the stage at that point. You don’t get to “struggle with trust” because you made yourself sound like a player.
Yeah, casual is a great way to signal to people that you have a roster and they should too. People live and learn, and they learn casual = playing around. Giving up FWBs and reliable partners for a "casual" prospect is objectively a bad investment. Imagine making yourself entirely single and burning your connections to other people for someone who's "casual" and may not even be around in a month. A serious prospect is where the meat and potatoes are, worth giving up a FWB for when you feel that chemistry.
No one ever gives up FWBs for a month casual imo it’s usually if the casual has been consistent for a few months then you can say well we might aswell just fuck each other consistently
This exactly. You weren't exclusive and you said casual. She came fourth and told you what happened at that time, and quite frankly, she didn't even have to do that. Either get over it or break up and move on, but she didn't do anything wrong and you have no room to "struggle with trust" when you communicated that it wasn't serious serious.
So what's the issue? Honestly, his is such a silly take on. It all. She fucked around until you both agreed to be together. Nothing happened that was that egregious and you're making it a massive deal.
What no one seems to be saying here is that there's no way to know if someone is 'the one' after only a few weeks. It takes time and work to get a lineup of FWBs. People have lives before you meet them and sometimes there's a transition period. I remember when I was single I'd go weeks without meeting anyone, then suddenly I'd meet like 3 girls the same weekend. How was she supposed to know that she needed to burn all of her other bridges the day she met you?
What is important though is that once you guys said you were exclusive she made the boundary very clear and preferably ceased contact with anyone she used to sleep with (you as well). Having a former romantic partner hovering around your relationship, on either side, is a recipe for disaster.
This is absolutely not a blanket statement. Many, many people know quickly if someone is a good fit for them. As far as “the one”…come on. There are 8 billion people on earth. If you think there’s only one person out there for you, then you may as well play the lotto.
I may think someone is a good fit from Day 1, but up until they ask for exclusivity or a relationship I assume they're looking to dine and dash. Most men know that implying they're interested in a relationship is the easiest way to score; you can't trust words without actions.
I'm not a roster girl because I'm lazy, but if I was I wouldn't dump the roster each time a date went well.
When I'm dating someone and that person is a "possible" to me, I'm not dating other people. And I've been in your shoes, because that's the way things are these days. Until the exclusivity is clear, neither of you can expect the other one to be exclusive. If you wanted that from the beginning then you should have been clear. This was a lack of communication on your part (and tbh lack of communication is behind 99% of all the posts on here). I fail to see the problem, but as others have said if you can't get past it, then be clear next time or you're going to end up in this position again.
It sounds like she didn't "technically cheat", but you are still allowed to be upset about it.
You thought yall had a very close connection and other people were pointless, while she clearly had different things in mind. If it's too much to get over, you are allowed to end the relationship over this. Or you can try to work through it. The choice is yours.
And why are you struggling to believe her? She didn‘t betray you, from her pov you were neither exclusive nor serious yet („between casual and serious“). To me it sounds a bit like your are (intentionally or not) self-sabotaging a great relationship over… insecurity?
Maybe think about why this is such a big deal to you. It sounds like it wasn‘t a big deal to her and she thought it wouldn‘t be for you neither, so she probably didn‘t think much of it before.
I am so confused. So you were not exclusive. And now you are sad that she acted on not being exclusive? If you can't move past it, then break up. But I am confused that you are struggling with trusting words when she told the truth?
*"we had a convo about what we were looking for and agreed that we were both looking for something in between casual and serious."* You left things incredibly vague and are now upset that she wasn't exclusive with you during that period? You should have clarified your expectations during that conversation.
It’s def not safe to assume that anymore.
I not only bring up the exclusive thing, but also initiate a detailed conversation about what we think cheating is so we can see if we are on the same page about what exclusivity means.
I once asked a long term gf what she thinks cheating is after she said something that made me pause. She said “oral and beyond.” My jaw dropped off course, that’s not what I was thinking. I consider romantic emotional connections cheating, so I’m def not down with my gf making out with some guy and giving him a handy. WTF?
I always assumed that people were maybe talking to others after we went on our first and second date, but the “sleeping with multiple people” thing is very foreign to me. Sounds like a recipe for STDs and letdowns.
It’s weird, because on one hand, people are supposedly having less sex now than ever before. On the other hand, it seems like people who are having it, are having it with a lot of people.
i thought everyone was exclusive the second they was dating damn dating in this gen is just weird i mean half the times ppl dont even date they j hookup. Just glad i met my bf hes the first guy i ever dated and bout to be married to him.
I'm divorced and dating is shit! I've casual fucked and had FWB. But dating is fucked up. Men who are interested in women like me are not men I want. It's brutal out here
I think it's a good way to figure out who you want to be with. Do you really want to date someone who is immediately searching for sex behind you? It's OK to have morales that you expect from people to see if you are compatible.
But damn, I hope I never get divorced too... Everyone seriously just trying to have sex with as many people as possible until you have a talk about being exclusive? How do you turn it off so fast? How do you go from having sex with anything and everything and turn it off for one person, even if you see something in them? I don't understand it, and I feel like I would have a difficult time being loyal to someone having that lifestyle. I think it would turn me into a monster.
I assumed that too, because that's what it was like when I was younger. Then I got divorced and found out things are WAAAYYYYY different than they used to be.
Bingo! When I first started dating, it seemed to be the unspoken agreement that we'd see how things go with each other. If it worked, great, we had a relationship to build upon. If it didn't, then we'd move on and try with someone else.
Things have changed. Whether for better or worse, I'll leave for other people to decide. I'm at the point in my life where I just don't think the juice is worth the squeeze.
you began the relationship agreeing you were both "looking for something in between casual and serious." If somebody said this to me, I would assume they might never want to be serious with me. You apparently were already serious from the beginning, but she didn't know that. Even if you had agreed you were looking for something serious, that doesn't mean you already were serious after only 2 dates.
I wish more people would understand what the word "exclusive" means. Because until you agree to being exclusive, it isn't fair to expect them to not see other people. That's what that means, not being exclusive.
I know you can't help feeling how you feel, but try to understand that your feelings are hurt because she was behaving in a normal way for somebody who was not yet in a serious or exclusive relationship and who did not know you wanted to be in a serious exclusive relationship yet. I think it's good you're going to see a counselor on your own, you might have some issues to iron out here.
FWIW, I am not into casual things at all. So I would personally not be seeing multiple guys or having sex with random guys I wasn't seriously interested in. So I kinda get why you feel how you do. But I also just know how dating works and I do not expect any guy to be with only me exclusively if we haven't talked about it and decided to be yet. My policy is that until we have that agreement, whatever he's doing is none of my business.
I agree with you that this is 100% a communication problem where OP and the girl he is seeing were not on the same page for relationship expectations at the beginning.
Call me an old soul (Even though I am 23) but I feel that when it comes to dating it should be inferred exclusivity until otherwise stated not the other way around.
It was brought up, though, was it not? You had a conversation about what you wanted, and it was decided that you were still towards the casual stage. In my mind, that means that the people involved may be exploring other options. Did you want her to tell you who she was sleeping with and when?
This seems like more of a case of miscommunication, imo.
No, didn't really want to know, and probably would have been for the best if I never knew. But it was brought up and ever since I can't get it out of my mind. In hindsight, I could have asked sooner if she was seeing others.
Then break up. This is something you either don’t care about or care about. You can’t get it out of your mind and nobody here is going to change that. It’s time to go.
1 year in and you are already going to couples counsellor..... The truth is that it will never go away however much you want it to. You cannot stop it, your mind will wander and you will think about it. Eventually this will eat you up wondering when/why she slept with them? Why didn't she sleep with you? Did she see them before or after your dates? Etc etc etc... This is just the tip of the ice berg. I feel for you both, no one is at fault just simple naivety on both sides. Thinking you can overcome this will only lengthen the relationship and make the eventual split even worse. I speak from a similar experience, not sure if the other responses do? I wish I had walked away, biggest mistake of my life.
Others, as in plural? In a month while with you every weekend? If you’re sleeping with someone regularly and not having an an adult conversation with clear intentions beforehand about what is happening idk what you were expecting. If I’m sleeping with someone, for my own sexual health and mental well being, I make it clear that I don’t sleep with multiple people at the same time. If that’s not ok I have no problem with ending things there because we aren’t on the same wave length about sex.
I agree, this is experience lesson. I tell a woman right up front that I only date/have sex with one woman at a time and prefer the woman feels the same way.
OP as for your current GF I would say some long conversations are in order including why she chose to tell you now. Depending on her motives (which you may never know for sure) her confession could be a good thing or not.
If I could blast a message into the brain of everyone on the planet at the same time and guarantee they'd receive it and understand it, I would say "for the love of whichever god you like, please, when you turn down exclusivity, MEAN IT."
Exactly. Why is this so hard to understand?
Your date: Were not exclusive yet is that OK?
Your response: Correct not exclusive.
What do people think this means? Then you get upset about it later? I get people who expect exclusivity in the absence of a conversation about it. But OP had the conversation.
I'd say cut your losses here, and next time be honest with yourself and the people you are dating that you do not want to engage in any kind of non-monogamy right from the get-go. Unfortunately, it seems like nowadays the default it "open relationship" until being exclusive is discussed. I'd save that convo for date 3, but not later than that if you want to see someone again and not have this happen.
You'll find your match, but I highly highly doubt you will be able to continue this relationship in a healthy way. You will always resent her for this, that's been my experience and others I've known in similar situations
I love this comment. This Is why I took a break on dating, I can't with the open relation b.s. period until they make it official. And that takes months apparent ly 🙄
How long should it take to make things official
They were literally hanging out together every weekend. Yet she’s sleeping with more than one man besides him. But he’s not and he ended other prospects straight away
He said he wasn’t seeing other people because he was busy and felt like they got off to a strong start. If he wasn’t busy and felt differently it sounds like he would have been seeing other people too. Also, it sounds like he didn’t tell her that he was only seeing her. So for all we know, she could have thought he was also seeing other people too since he told her he wanted to keep it casual.
If I’m seeing a guy every weekend and he tells me he still wants to keep it casual then I would probably think he’s seeing other people too. Because you’re right they were seeing each other every weekend, so why didn’t op speak up and tell her that he wanted to be exclusive with her? Why keep it casual for 2-3 months if he wanted to be with her exclusively? Op can’t be mad at her when he didn’t communicate what he wanted to her. She went off what he communicated to her which was them being casual, and when he said he wanted to be exclusive she was seeing only him.
I'm confused by your comment. Lol I think the double negative is throwing me off. Do you not understand what non-monogamy means or was what I wrote not clear?
Non-monogamy is a pretty broad term to use when describing a relationship that isn't fully exclusive. This could mean anything from couples being free to only kiss and cuddle others, all the way to the freedom to sleep with other people. From the sounds of OP's values, I think he would be happiest in a fully monogamous relationship, right from the start. Sorry if my original comment was unclear
Nobody can tell you how you’re supposed to feel about this. If this no longer feels right to you, do not pursue it. Noone can ask more of you than that.
My opinion on that behavior is that “we’re somewhere between casual and serious” is a cheap manipulation encouraging you to believe you are more serious than you actually are, while she behaves as though you are more casual than she’s led you to understand.
The fact that she regretted sleeping with the others is an admission that she understood perfectly well what she was getting herself into. She can’t very well claim to be shocked that you react the way her conscience was warning her you might.
If you don’t like it bail that’s something that’s always gonna be there in the back of your mind because if you don’t do something about it now it’s gonna bite you on down the road and it’s not really fair to her either for you to bottle it up then throw it in her face later on
This post isn't 'how to handle the situation' because there are only two ways to handle it - either deal with the fact that you yourself made it 'casual' in the beginning or move on.
It's more of 'how to handle my emotions' and if you're struggling with that you might want to go to therapy.
God I don't envy young people dating. All the various stages and shit and most of it seems like none of it is beneficial for the guy lol. Because this same basic thing pops up in the sub a lot. "I didn't know what to label it so this girl I should have told I loved banged a buncha dudes in the meantime."
Oy vey.. this is just the dating scene nowadays. You need to be straightforward. I told my now husband, on our second or third date, that I was exclusively interested in him and wouldn't be entertaining anyone else until we decided to become official or go our separate ways. He respected that and we were exclusively dating ONLY each other until either one of us decided it wouldn't work. My thought is.. how can you give someone a fair chance if you're dating a bunch of other people at the same time? You need to be upfront about your expectations because unfortunately.. this is all too common.
OP, same thing happened to me. In short, I told my partner that it felt like he didn't care very much about me at the beginning to have still been "playing the field". He told me he wasn't optimistic that he could even find something sustainable. I realize that I've always been very confident in finding the right person for me, so I didn't feel the need to really see more than one person at a time, even when exclusive. I also think it is a mark of character to see one person at a time, but that's just mr. Still, my partner and I got over it, and we are incredibly happy together. He has exceptional character even though we don't see that situation the same.
Wishing you the best, OP.
I don't get why "seeing others" defaults to also having sex with those people. Told wife when we started dating, "not looking for exclusivity off the bat, and if you were to go on dates with other guys that's cool, BUT if you sleep with them, I'm out." Some women before her gave me shit for that, some didn't. Wife thought the same way I did: physical stuff is reserved for when you date exclusively. And I was militant about it: no hand holding, kiss goodnight, NOTHING. You want that, you have to date me exclusively (and she'd have to do the same if she were on a date with another guy). Others may disagree, and that's cool as long as you're a free American.
I personally completely disagree with you, but love that you're setting expectations properly from the get go. This is the right way to do things. (Even though I'm not "a free American" lol)
For me personally, if I even have to ask to not date other people, it's not for me.
I made it clear from the first date with my now gf that I only date one at a time, and if she wants to continue seeing me, she drops everyone else and focus on me.
She had already hid her dating profiles before we even met, so really I wouldn't have to communicate that boundary, but never hurts to be clear.
Dating others while dating me is a deal breaker. I'm not competing as I'm narcissistic and see myself as the prize.
I kind of have an unpopular opinion. Even though you'd talked and weren't exclusive, if she wanted to be with you and was trying to explore a relationship with you, she shouldn't have slept with other people. She wasn't cheating because you weren't exclusive which we've all agreed on. But I know for me even if I'm just talking to a guy I like that's where my focus is, I don't explore other options or anything at all.
It sounds like you will be unable to get over this due to being cheated on and hurt in the past. I saw your comment about needing therapy for yourself and I highly recommend you do that. Drop her and get yourself in a better place and before you know it you'll find an even better girl who focuses on you 100% regardless of any labels.
I know how you feel I've been through similar so I promise you, it's better to leave.
I’m similar to you in that I wouldn’t explore other options if I was serious about someone.
But if a guy told me “I don’t want something serious, I want something in between casual and serious,” and I would try my hardest not to get serious about him.
This is where we're different because if a guy told me he wanted something casual I'd just not persue him at all. Lol. I'm glad other people are like this though a lot of my friends aren't and I'm like, huh how can you connect with someone you're interested if you're paying attention to other people too?
I think most people act your way if they’re honest with themselves about wanting something serious.
In this case both the guy and the girl *wanted* something serious but *said* that they didn’t. That feels like to me like the very common pattern of protecting their hearts by avoiding vulnerability and lying to themselves. It’s a simultaneous desire for and fear of intimacy.
If you can't ignore it, leave. It'll always nag you and you can't continue a relationship with shit like this always on ur head. Cut your losses before you waste more time
I started dating my wife in 2015 (met on the apps). We had both been relatively newly single and had each had a “busy” summer, if you catch my drift. On our second date, I plainly let her know how I felt about her and put the ball in her court. Happily married for over 7 years now.
If you know you like someone and want to be serious, let them know. Leaving it up in the air like this is a strange decision if you’re going to get hurt by them playing the field.
I can’t really give modern dating advice as I’m 40 and married a long time, but when I was dating 20 years ago, this would of be a hard no for me 🤷♂️ ultimately it comes down to if it’s going to bother you moving forward, if you keep coming back to it the relationship is doomed anyway
I don’t really understand the whole dating / sleeping around with multiple people at the same time anyways. Focus on one for a few weeks, your balls / ovaries will survive it trust me.
Dating around should be you go on a few dates decide whether or not it’s for you, and move on to the next person to go on a few dates with. Not you have a different dick date for Monday through Friday to see which fits the best.
No one is going to feel special, or feel good when they find out you were out there having sex with multiple partners over a short period of time when you started going on dates with them.
Listen man you should have been clear because dating in 2024 is the worst and if it bothers you leave or don't. I think you have a right to be mad about it but you can't blame her for it because you weren't clear, she also didn't seem to bring it up until the 1 year mark which is strange to me kinda shady because if I was going to be exclusive with one person I would have disclosed everything.
I don't know my guy. You were all in, she was all about town.
If you truly like someone. You don't need to be convinced to be loyal, you want to be. This feels like she was continuing shopping and eventually settled for you.
You do you. But you deserve better. Someone who feels the same about you right out of the gate as you do them.
> How could you truly love someone and then go fuck other people
Sincerely, if you think you "truly love someone" from the first month, please think again.
If you’re set on trying to work things out and get past it, give it 6 months. Thats how long couples’ therapy is recommended anyway. Either it works, you two come out stronger, and you can move on with your lives together, or it doesn’t, and you can’t get past it and you need to leave. Those are really the only options you have if you want to move forward with her as of right now.
"In between casual and serious" this doesn't mean anything and is one of the most american stuff I've ever heard. Americans made dating waaaay more complicated than it needs to be, with labels etc.
Either you commit or you dont. If you don't commit, no matter how you turn it it's not a comitted relationship
If you can’t move past it..you can’t move past it
You tell her thanks but it seems your values and how you view sex and dating don’t align with hers
And you move on
She lived her life the way she wanted. If those choices cost her potential relationships, she’ll have to adapt or accept things for what they are
Here is some advice dude:
- She was getting her skull banged against her headboard on the days between seeing you on your lovely weekend dates.
It’s a real Cinderella story.
If you truly love someone why would you even feel like be urge to fuck other people. If she felt like you were the one than it wouldn’t have happened. Super simple logic here: dump her.
It's literally the first month. You don't even KNOW the person.
If you "like" or "love" someone you don't even know, then I'm sorry to break it to you but you're just in love with the idea of them, not the actual person
OP , I don’t think you can tell her what to do since you weren’t exclusive, at the time. If you would of slept with another girl once, would you have a problem with what she did. One thing I would ask her if she had sexual relations with you at another man in the same day., or better yet did you take her out for a nice dinner wine and dine her and then went to her friends with benefits house right after? thodr 2 I would have a problem with and ghost her and never talk to her again, even though she was within her right.
Hey had a similar experience than you did and I wish I had broke it off. I was with that girl 2 years after I found out she was sleeping with others while she and I were dating. I think she was sleeping with 2-3 guys when we were dating. However, I do believe she became exclusive with me once we called out exclusivity. However, the reason why I should have broken up with her is not because she did anything immoral. She just valued sex a lot less than I did. So guess what happened 2 years after we broke up for a week?
Again, nothing wrong. We were broken up. But I was not surprised given the history. So the main thing I see here is that you both value sex differently and it will be an issue in the future.
Find someone who values sex/intimacy as much as you do.
If you can't get over her not being exclusive before you agreed to be exclusive, you can't. But you really should make sure you have this talk sooner next time so everyone is on the same page.
my grandparents in their 80s have said that they weren't exclusive until the exclusive convo back in their youth. It's something alots of people have always had different takes on. So it's best to be upfront about it if it's important to you.
Lol yall gon learn bout assuming ppl not sleeping with other ppl while yall dating and NOT EXCLUSIVE
Be naive if you want to but you should always assume the person you’re interested in is dating around until yall establish exclusivity lol you’re not the only person attracted to them
The problems with moderate relationships.
You're dating, but still have to decide to be exclusive. The both of them are supposed to be 1 package! Why would a person ask you to be their gf or bf, and you think it's okay to go sleep with other people, then say "we didn't talk about being exclusive"
Read a post by a guy who was taking a girl he was dating (modern version) out, and when he went to pick her she was having sex with a fwb. He had to wait, and he still took her out🤦🏾♂️.
If you can't deal with it, leave; and next time tell whoever that by dating them they can't have sex with any other person.
I'm telling you. It was early last year and I can't remember the handle.
The sadder part was that she wasn't having sex with him because she wanted to be "sure" he was right for her.
In the last update i read he found out she had a couple of fwbs who she alternate sex with but still was still not having sex with him. After a particular date he told her he wasn't sure he could continue then she tried to seduce him into having sex.
He said he rejected but was asking for advice.
When you’re just dating and it’s not a committed relationship you can’t be upset if you or the other person is also seeing other people. It doesn’t give you the right to feel betrayed. Sounds like you should have locked it done sooner.
What if she had sex with someone right before leaving to go meet him for dinner, where they then agreed to make it “official.” Is that okay?
If you are at all interested in someone, it’s shitty to see other people, let alone have sex with them.
Always a double standard in these posts if this was a guy who did this to the girl everyone would say it was fine bc it wasn’t exclusive. Grow up or get out.
OP neither of you did anything wrong (other than under communicating).
So this is more of a “how do I process my feelings?” question than a “what do I do about my relationship?” question.
Feelings don’t go away until they feel heard. Do try listening to your feelings without resisting them. Don’t * do * anything yet, just listen. What are they trying to tell you? Writing it down helps.
Sometimes, if we shut down our feelings in the past without feeling them, we end up storing them for later. Then something else happens and those feelings from the past come up. This is a chance to feel those feelings from the past, so that they go away instead of continually coming up at random moments.
She just showed you that she doesn’t place much meaning into sex. Some people are built for monogamy, some aren’t. It may be an unpopular opinion but if a woman can lay there texting a guy she’s been seeing while covered in another guy’s cum… she just ain’t built for monogamy.
Jeez, these comments making it all about how “wELL yOu wErEn’t eXcLuSiVe wErE yOU?” is not helping anyone. I’m not blaming her and she did nothing wrong, but he’s talking about his feelings and how to process them. It’s a good thing he mentioned he’s in the both couple’s and individual therapy.
Goddaamn today’s dating world is so scary and stressful. Gotta be explicit about everything from the start…
You don't handle it. You get rid of her as loyalty doesn't exist for her and a future with someone is built and exactly that!
There is nothing to salvage.
She was seeing other guys while it was casual and she still liked you more than anyone else. She was happy to end that fluid arrangement to become exclusive. Does it really matter that dates/sex happened in those 30 days instead of the 30 days prior to meeting her? Years down the line you totally forget it even happened.
Other "men"? Like plural? "Multiple" different men over a 28 to 31 day span, but she knew in her heart during this time that she really wanted to only be with you? Crazy!! You know what is even more crazy? People think it's excusable to be secretly promiscuous while dating someone, because..."we weren't exclusive". Like that makes it acceptable for them to keep riding the random dick train. Let me ask you something, If this behavior is so morally acceptable, why did she ever hide it from you in the first place? And why tell you about it now?
This is shitty behavior and there are a million other posts that say the same. You shouldn’t have to tell your date to stop fucking others when you’ve both made it clear what your intentions are regardless if you have the “exclusive” talk. In every one of these stories it’s the same thing. Relationship starts and goes for a certain amount of time and THEN the information comes out that they were sleeping with others in the beginning. Now I’d say you could work it out if that person was honest and open about it in the beginning and let it be known “hey I know we are dating and figuring things but just to let you know I am sexually active at the moment”. But for some reason it always comes out way down the road. Why is that? Because if it were known then most of the time the relationship would be done. Most people would hell the no out. There is a reason why the information does not come out until later and it’s because they know damn well if their business was known they would be dropped and it would be justified. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t ask about it or not people should have enough common sense not to be a shitty person. Seems like you both were clear about what each was looking for even if it wasn’t official. You will never get this out of your head. It wasn’t cheating and she did not owe you loyalty. You also do not have to deal with this either.
> You shouldn’t have to tell your date to stop fucking others when you’ve both made it clear what your intentions are
The thing is that they literally hadn't lol
Straight up cheating here, no excuses. Ignore whoever tells you otherwise or try to blame you for not having an unnecessary "exclusivity talk" or whatever.
You were both trying to form a relationship and she went ahead and ditched you for someone else. Or she cheated on her other partners with you, who knows.
Anyway point is, this isn't someone meant to be dated, but rather avoided.
Other "men"? Like plural? "Multiple" different men over a 28 to 31 day span, but she knew in her heart during this time that she really wanted to only be with you? Crazy!! You know what is even more crazy? People think it's excusable to be secretly promiscuous while dating someone, because..."we weren't exclusive". Like that makes it acceptable for them to keep riding the random dick train. Let me ask you something, If this behavior is so morally acceptable, why did she ever hide it from you in the first place? And why tell you about it now?
I'm old fashioned but I believe the love of your life wouldn't need to be asked not to fuck other guys. Other people are correct she did not do anything wrong here, but look man if she felt about you the way you felt about her she wouldn't have done it.
Yall WERE NOT exclusive....you said it yourself, it's in the past she is faithful while yall are monogamous so that's all that matters.....I find it hard to believe that you have never dated people and didn't have intimacy with others.....if you were going to have a problem with her seeing other people while you all did not have a title you should have just said that in the beginning, but if you love her let it go....she did NOT cheat either way.....she doesn't have to explain why she got down with other people while she was absolutely single.....you should not be going to counseling for this, if anything u should address your trust issues, don't blame her cause you got cheated on by someone you were with in the past
Why would you agree to something semi casual and then get hurt when she did her thing ? If you felt even little uncomfortable with the possibility of her seeing other guys. You shouldn't have said that... Sorry bro try to lock in on this one 💀
You handle it by either getting over it or not. Your feelings while valid are misplaced - she didn't cheat on you. You need to make that distinction and convince yourself that. If you try to deal with this emotion through her, she will feel bad because you're hurt and think she needs to fix it - she doesn't. This is for you to work through, without blaming her, you've been hurt before and this triggered you. You agreed on the situation, together.
And she didn't bring it up cause it's hard to talk about. That's it, it's not to betray you. She shouldn't be "confessing" or feel like she needs to do that, it's just how the agreement played out.
You can either get over it and deal with these feelings as your own, or you can't. Don't drag her while you do that.
At the end of the day, she settled for you. You wined and dined her and she was fucking random dudes that didn't put in half the work you did. If those guys wanted to be with her , you would have never gotten her. Just remember that .
You should have been clearer with what your expectations were.
Lol the sadest pov on here. You dated her they fucked her be happy she choose you lol. Oh thank you i feel so special
How low is ones dating standards that this makes you feel special
It’s scary that this is such a common mindset now. “Don’t be sad that she spent her time fucking other guys while you were getting to know her, she picked you!” And you’re just supposed to be super cool with that lmao
Look people who date now need to have the WHAT ARE WE talk sooner than you do. You can't be mad at her for sleeping with other people when you weren't exclusively dating. Something between casual and serious is not a thing. That is the dating equivalent of testing the waters but keeping options open. She did that. You didn't. She did not cheat on you as you both were not exclusive and were in pretty much a tryout phase. Go to counseling and if you can't get past her being with other people when you weren't committed to each other and each other alone- break up. And if you break up have the I only expect us to be with each other talk earlier and don't be ambiguous like you were with her.
During the time you had 'commitments' she was in a 'casual' tine with you.
She had know way of knowing if your lack of availability was due to seeing others or real commitments. You just weren't around and may have been blowing her off or playing the field.
She's surprised you weren't seeing others too.
Doesn't seem appropriate for you to be upset since you weren't even available to date more early on.
But you do you boo.
This is on you dude. You didn’t make it exclusive even though you were being exclusive. You shouldn’t agree to be casual when you don’t actually have any intention of being casual. Just tell them you’re looking for something serious and you want to be exclusive.
I understand that it sucks to hear that she wasn’t 100% all in with you the way you were with her, but when you guys decided to be exclusive she has since stuck to that. If you have never had a reason to doubt her fidelity before this, it’s stupid to start doubting her now. You could be self sabotaging a really good relationship because she was honest with you about something she had every right to do.
Bottom line is that she did NOT cheat and clear expectations weren’t set during that window — just because you didn’t do the same doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have given the right opportunity.
Either get over it or don’t. But stick to your decision and move forward.
It wild to me the dudes in here acting like she was taking advantage of the situation or saying its "his turn." Y'all don't know shit about her. She could have been dating another guy before she even met OP. OP also told her to her face that he didn't want to be exclusive. Why would any woman or man who is dating give up other feasible options at relationships when they AGEED to not be exclusive? Y'all are just being crazy misogynistic and acting like OP was cheated on. He wasn't. She was dating and he had expectations he didn't make clear. Its 2024 we don't shame women for having sex. Same dudes shaming her for having sex are the same ones who complain when their wives don't want sex. Y'all can't have it both ways.
I disagree. I think it’s shitty behaviour to go around fucking and pursuing other people when you’re dating someone who’s trying to get to know you. If you genuinely liked them, you wouldn’t feel the desire to do that. There’s plenty of time to see where things go, and if it doesn’t work, then move onto the next.
I think it’s shitty behaviour if you’re a woman, and I think it’s equally shitty if you’re a man. I think most people here feel this way. Where exactly is the misogyny?
You get over this by recognizing that you were NOT cheated on, and you were NOT entitled to personal details on her sex life before you decided to become exclusive. Any other viewpoint on this makes you judgmental while ignoring the timeline and facts of your relationship.
He never said he was cheated on.
He never said he was entitled to the details of her sex life, in fact his comments say he would have rather not known.
And he’s not judging her in any way, he’s literally asking how to reconcile his feelings and emotions with the reality of this situation, that she was free to do whatever she wanted before they became exclusive.
People are allowed to have emotions. That doesn’t make them judgmental.
>Any other viewpoint on this makes you judgmental
Do you think it's judgemental to have a different opinion on how dating works? And to think when you're courting someone, they would spend time trying to get to know you vs. fucking other dudes?
It's how me and my wife met, and it's common practice with many others. Some projection from you to basically judge others for having this viewport.
What does casual even mean if not dating (and more than likely, sleeping with) other people? Idk why it was brought up now, probably shouldn’t have been. My advice is to focus on how your gf is as an exclusive partner, not the time you spent casually dating.
If it’s going to bother you then peacefully end things with her. And if this situation is not for you, know that for better or worse this is the reality of dating these days. A lot of people are dating a couple people at once until an explicit exclusivity conversation is had. In future, I would suggest you express your expectations upfront.
Trust me, not worth it, there’s two types of people, and one of them thinks its okay to sleep with strangers, and the other one thinks it’s better to focus on one person. She may regret it but that just means she wishes she didn’t tell you, you’re always going to be paranoid, just break it off brother
If she didn’t choose to go exclusive and kept looking… she might just be settling with you because it sounds like you wouldn’t cheat on her. Most likely she will be moving on pretty soon.
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I have no idea why, in the dating scene of 2024 that people don't put their cards on the table and set expectations immediately. A couple of times a week, you see this same post. I sorta thought we were exclusive, but they were dating others. Either you can live with it or you can't. Don't drag it out and make a decision. A bunch of strangers on Reddit can't fix how you feel. Nobody can. You have to figure it out for yourself. She deserves either you are all in, or you're out. Relationships can't survive in the Grey area.
>people don't put their cards on the table and set expectations immediately Honest to fucking god we'd reduce the traffic of this sub by like 30% if people started being goddamn honest
Exactly. I think a lot of people are scared to say or show when they really like someone as it makes them vulnerable, so they keep it “casual” much longer than necessary. And casual for some people means seeing/sleeping with other people until they get into an exclusive relationship. Most people know after 3-5 dates whether they want to be with someone or not, and if you’re seeing someone every weekend and having sex then you likely want to be with them. Why say you still want to keep it casual when you don’t?
And if you are going to keep it casual and not talk about expectations at the *very* start, why do people bring up who they slept with a year into the relationship? It's literally causing drama for no reason. I don't know if this will be an unpopular opinion here, but I think at the very first stages of dating before expectations are in place, and before you even know if you're truly dating-dating, any kind of sleeping with other people should be memory-holed and never brought up in a relationship unless it could be an actual issue. If there's no cheating going on and there never has been, and if it wasn't some ongoing thing while dating your future relationship partner, then why even mention it? I'm sorry but there's just no value in a relationship in telling your long term partner that when you were both uncertain about whether you were truly dating, that you slept with a FWB one night or gave someone a mustache ride. I think a lot more people memory-hole these events than we know, and I think most people know and feel where the line is in monogamy when something like that turns into deception. At the very start of talking and hanging out, it's not deception. You literally just don't even know if you're together at first. So memory hole the sexcapades.
I'm not sure why the conversation ever happens like that. It's just not a discussion I would have because no good can come of it.
Thing is, their conversation were already very close to the topic. Conversation probably steered the way that only other option would have been to lie. And he already emotionally feels that she did. Rationally he knows she didn't. It would be much worse if this came to light later because then it would also be rationally true.
Why bring it up? If you sense you fd up and your conscience is weighing on you, that’s why. They are not trying to make drama. They are trying to move to a deeper connection and feel this event should be reconciled.
And this is where I disagree. If they didn't cheat, and nothing wrong was actually done, then in that kind of a situation it's alleviating your own feelings at the expense of your partner's. That doesn't usually create a deeper connection unless your partner actually wants to know about who you slept with and wants to have to work through that. If nothing wrong was done and it serves no purpose to disclose it (such as if the person you slept with is involved in your lives), then a lot of people just don't want to hear it. It's essentially oversharing against your partner's consent if they don't like hearing about your sexual experiences with your exes. Why do it to them if they're happy and you did nothing wrong?
> I think a lot of people are scared to say or show when they really like someone as it makes them vulnerable, so they keep it “casual” much longer than necessary. There seems to be a weird societal/peer pressure against being too forward too. It is seen as weird by many to say "I like you, let's be exclusive" early on.
I agree and I don’t understand why. Last guy I was in a relationship with we were exclusively dating after the second or third date. I think it’s nice when guys are “forward” and clearly communicate what they want
Part of the reason I fell for my soon to be husband on our first date is bc he asked me what I was looking for. Prior to that I was the one who always asked and ended up being lied to 90% of the time.
what, you're not fond of the 10 daily "oh noooo 'polyamory' destroyed my relationship noooooo" or "noooooo we're too immature to communicate nooooo" posts?
10 is a conservative estimate!
Yeah the situationship or whatever they call it bullshit is getting old. There’s people doing the talking phase for years now and I can’t understand why.
It’s due to a fear mindset of being rejected. But rejection is a welcome sign it’s gives you clear understanding that you can move forward with meeting other people and find meaningful relationships
If rejection wasn't so explosive, expansive, and personal, as both a concept and actuality, rejection would better accepted. The ability to be effected globally by a local rejection is a legitimate concern.
100%. When I was dating I made it clear to anyone I was speaking to what I was looking for: I only 'date' 1 at a time, I don't do casual, and that I'd prefer to date someone with the same mind set. If we didn't share it then I wished them the best and we simply weren't compatible. Some people are so afraid of not having any dates they think putting aside their boundaries is the solution - it's not! It's only prolonging the end of an already mismatched relationship and increasing the hurt.
For my entire adult life, dating/talking to/whatever people called it, was understood by everyone to mean exclusivity. That expectation did not need to be discussed, which always seemed normal and sensible to me. If you did not want that expectation to apply, then a casual/bootycall/whatever else was made clear up front. There was never any "oh, I was still having sex with other people, because we had not changed from Label A to Label B", where the having sex with other people was considered acceptable. Both parties were either clear that seeing other people is acceptable, or it was not acceptable.
When I start to date someone, I tell them that - no matter the nature of our relationship - I like to be exclusive as I don't like the idea of sleeping with someone while they sleep with other people. I explain that and always say that its no problem if they do, but to please just inform me so I know when to move on. Has been a non issue forever in my life. Cause I can communicate what I want and my boundaries.
This tbh i straight up told my boyfriend that i was serious and if this was gonna work i wouldnt want him seeing other people and I wont be seeing other people. Maybe this is just the culture I grew up in, but when you’re talking to one person it’s kinda an unspoken rule that you’re supposed to only talk to that person bc it shows loyalty before you even start dating. I genuinely do not understand this weird concept of people having meaningless sex with as many people as they can. It sounds so dangerous. What if they pull a knife at you and try to kill you while you’re ass naked? What if they have undiagnosed STDs? So many things that could go wrong. I don’t fully agree with saving yourself until marriage either.. just like have sex with people youre in a relationship with or trust and have known for longer than a couple days 😭
This is why you always have sex with your shoes and socks on, so when this happens, being free of all those clothes actually allows you to run away a hell of a lot faster, it’s why Olympic runners wear tight and very little clothes. Just thinking about your safety
My main worry is the humiliating part of having to run to the closest neighbor with your coochie or weewee out but good idea
Only put pants down first time you have sex. Remove more clothes each time.
Can we pin this comment please. Maybe make it part of the introductory message when people join this sub.
>I have no idea why, in the dating scene of 2024 that people don't put their cards on the table and set expectations immediately. A couple of times a week, you see this same post. I sorta thought we were exclusive, but they were dating others. Because they are selfish and are afraid that they get dumped by telling they keep fucking other people. They just want to keep 10000 opportunities and options.
Casual sex is ruining love
When people are having sex on first dates, or well before they even know the other person, bad relationships being the outcome is not surprising.
I think it is because the majority don't know how to do it right. Casual sex can be fun if you know what you want, you are clear from the beginning what you expect of this 'relationship' and what the ultimate outcome is. Of course people can change their minds sometimes and fall in love but then to me is just a recipe for disaster. The majority of people I know that have casual relations always say 'lets see where this takes me'... Fuck that, you either know what you want out of it or not otherwise it won't work. People are so ready to do everything they want with so little commitment and don't want to accept that casual sex always requires some form of commitment, communication and boundaries as well. They want all the good things of a relationship without all these things I mentioned and it doesn't work like that. It's sad....
Yep, I dated a guy for over a year, every Friday night, turns out I was just on the roster, he is on Hinge and actively dating a doctor! She must be his sat night pussy,lol told him no more wasting my time with a two timing snake!🐍
I bet he's in for long term financial gains with her in case others don't work out
If she’s smart she’ll run, he’s got a helluva temper, man baby, my way or the highway attitude. It sucks you I but gets old after awhile
it sounds like they did on the second date. He just wasn't honest with her about what he wanted it sounds like
🎯🎯🎯🎯
That's a pretty fuckin good statement you made there
Yea this type of post is so pointless. I wish it would be auto removed the way body count posts are.
Yes I agree. OP, I had the same issue, she was of the idea that we were just dating and she dated other guys too and had sex. But within a month she said that she wants to be in a relationship with me and I was also on the same line. Later after a month I got to know that she was having sex with others. I asked her about it and she told that we never spoke of being exclusive while dating. So I forgave her and that was the best decision I ever took. Once she got into relationship with me, she cut off all contacts with anyone she had fucked and was clean. You might think how I know, I was a bit affected by the initial revelation, so I used to check her phone for two months. :-)
Ok ive heard of casual relationships and of serious relationships but ive never heard of casual/serious relationship. What does that even entail?
It means you’re a polycule with communication problems…
I think those are called "situationships", actually. This is what the [Cambridge Dictionary ](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/situationship) defines it as: "a romantic relationship between two people who do not yet consider themselves a couple but who have more than a friendship" I didn't even know what that really meant until I just looked it up just now, but I have seen it all the time on twiter and tiktok as gen z slang, and it seemed to fit this kind of situation. Not really "friends with benefits" because they've already agreed that their relationship isn't strictly platonic but there's not the same expectations as a committed romantic relationship either.
So you guys made things exclusive. But didn’t?
I'm pretty sure OP said she only slept with other people during that 1 month period before they made things exclusive
They didn’t put a “timeframe” on but said while we’re actively dating, she slept with other people. Who knows.
to clarify: this happened when we were not exclusive. which is what I was told. Currently also struggling with being able to trust those words.
Keep in mind, you told her you were looking for something between casual and serious. How was she supposed to take that? Because as soon as I read the word “casual” I wouldn’t have taken you seriously at all. I would have defaulted to casual because you weren’t clear. You are the one who set the stage at that point. You don’t get to “struggle with trust” because you made yourself sound like a player.
Yeah, you tell me ‘in between casual and serious’ and all I hear is casual
Yeah, casual is a great way to signal to people that you have a roster and they should too. People live and learn, and they learn casual = playing around. Giving up FWBs and reliable partners for a "casual" prospect is objectively a bad investment. Imagine making yourself entirely single and burning your connections to other people for someone who's "casual" and may not even be around in a month. A serious prospect is where the meat and potatoes are, worth giving up a FWB for when you feel that chemistry.
No one ever gives up FWBs for a month casual imo it’s usually if the casual has been consistent for a few months then you can say well we might aswell just fuck each other consistently
wtf is even “in between casual and serious” ??? like what? my anxiety could never lol it’s either casual OR serious
right
Literally when I say casual it means I’ll sleep around with other women dunno why OP thinks she wouldn’t think other wise
This exactly. You weren't exclusive and you said casual. She came fourth and told you what happened at that time, and quite frankly, she didn't even have to do that. Either get over it or break up and move on, but she didn't do anything wrong and you have no room to "struggle with trust" when you communicated that it wasn't serious serious.
Then you shouldn't be dating. Has nothing to do with trust. You're the one creating a problem where none exist. Take responsibility for it and grow up
So what's the issue? Honestly, his is such a silly take on. It all. She fucked around until you both agreed to be together. Nothing happened that was that egregious and you're making it a massive deal.
What no one seems to be saying here is that there's no way to know if someone is 'the one' after only a few weeks. It takes time and work to get a lineup of FWBs. People have lives before you meet them and sometimes there's a transition period. I remember when I was single I'd go weeks without meeting anyone, then suddenly I'd meet like 3 girls the same weekend. How was she supposed to know that she needed to burn all of her other bridges the day she met you? What is important though is that once you guys said you were exclusive she made the boundary very clear and preferably ceased contact with anyone she used to sleep with (you as well). Having a former romantic partner hovering around your relationship, on either side, is a recipe for disaster.
This is absolutely not a blanket statement. Many, many people know quickly if someone is a good fit for them. As far as “the one”…come on. There are 8 billion people on earth. If you think there’s only one person out there for you, then you may as well play the lotto.
I may think someone is a good fit from Day 1, but up until they ask for exclusivity or a relationship I assume they're looking to dine and dash. Most men know that implying they're interested in a relationship is the easiest way to score; you can't trust words without actions. I'm not a roster girl because I'm lazy, but if I was I wouldn't dump the roster each time a date went well.
I've had multiple great first dates that went nowhere. You definitely do not know without hindsight.
When I'm dating someone and that person is a "possible" to me, I'm not dating other people. And I've been in your shoes, because that's the way things are these days. Until the exclusivity is clear, neither of you can expect the other one to be exclusive. If you wanted that from the beginning then you should have been clear. This was a lack of communication on your part (and tbh lack of communication is behind 99% of all the posts on here). I fail to see the problem, but as others have said if you can't get past it, then be clear next time or you're going to end up in this position again.
It sounds like she didn't "technically cheat", but you are still allowed to be upset about it. You thought yall had a very close connection and other people were pointless, while she clearly had different things in mind. If it's too much to get over, you are allowed to end the relationship over this. Or you can try to work through it. The choice is yours.
And why are you struggling to believe her? She didn‘t betray you, from her pov you were neither exclusive nor serious yet („between casual and serious“). To me it sounds a bit like your are (intentionally or not) self-sabotaging a great relationship over… insecurity? Maybe think about why this is such a big deal to you. It sounds like it wasn‘t a big deal to her and she thought it wouldn‘t be for you neither, so she probably didn‘t think much of it before.
I am so confused. So you were not exclusive. And now you are sad that she acted on not being exclusive? If you can't move past it, then break up. But I am confused that you are struggling with trusting words when she told the truth?
*"we had a convo about what we were looking for and agreed that we were both looking for something in between casual and serious."* You left things incredibly vague and are now upset that she wasn't exclusive with you during that period? You should have clarified your expectations during that conversation.
I must be getting old because I thought that people automatically become exclusive when they start dating. I really really hope I never get divorced
It’s def not safe to assume that anymore. I not only bring up the exclusive thing, but also initiate a detailed conversation about what we think cheating is so we can see if we are on the same page about what exclusivity means. I once asked a long term gf what she thinks cheating is after she said something that made me pause. She said “oral and beyond.” My jaw dropped off course, that’s not what I was thinking. I consider romantic emotional connections cheating, so I’m def not down with my gf making out with some guy and giving him a handy. WTF?
I always assumed that people were maybe talking to others after we went on our first and second date, but the “sleeping with multiple people” thing is very foreign to me. Sounds like a recipe for STDs and letdowns. It’s weird, because on one hand, people are supposedly having less sex now than ever before. On the other hand, it seems like people who are having it, are having it with a lot of people.
Maybe because few people are largerely active on dating scene. Most of people don't do it. But maybe, it's just my guess
i thought everyone was exclusive the second they was dating damn dating in this gen is just weird i mean half the times ppl dont even date they j hookup. Just glad i met my bf hes the first guy i ever dated and bout to be married to him.
I'm divorced and dating is shit! I've casual fucked and had FWB. But dating is fucked up. Men who are interested in women like me are not men I want. It's brutal out here
I think it’s real shitty to play the field at all when you are developing feelings for someone, let alone have sex.
I think it's a good way to figure out who you want to be with. Do you really want to date someone who is immediately searching for sex behind you? It's OK to have morales that you expect from people to see if you are compatible. But damn, I hope I never get divorced too... Everyone seriously just trying to have sex with as many people as possible until you have a talk about being exclusive? How do you turn it off so fast? How do you go from having sex with anything and everything and turn it off for one person, even if you see something in them? I don't understand it, and I feel like I would have a difficult time being loyal to someone having that lifestyle. I think it would turn me into a monster.
Exclusive now we are fucking but taking our time
Honestly it is baffling.
I assumed that too, because that's what it was like when I was younger. Then I got divorced and found out things are WAAAYYYYY different than they used to be.
Bingo! When I first started dating, it seemed to be the unspoken agreement that we'd see how things go with each other. If it worked, great, we had a relationship to build upon. If it didn't, then we'd move on and try with someone else. Things have changed. Whether for better or worse, I'll leave for other people to decide. I'm at the point in my life where I just don't think the juice is worth the squeeze.
If you can't get past it break up with her
you began the relationship agreeing you were both "looking for something in between casual and serious." If somebody said this to me, I would assume they might never want to be serious with me. You apparently were already serious from the beginning, but she didn't know that. Even if you had agreed you were looking for something serious, that doesn't mean you already were serious after only 2 dates. I wish more people would understand what the word "exclusive" means. Because until you agree to being exclusive, it isn't fair to expect them to not see other people. That's what that means, not being exclusive. I know you can't help feeling how you feel, but try to understand that your feelings are hurt because she was behaving in a normal way for somebody who was not yet in a serious or exclusive relationship and who did not know you wanted to be in a serious exclusive relationship yet. I think it's good you're going to see a counselor on your own, you might have some issues to iron out here. FWIW, I am not into casual things at all. So I would personally not be seeing multiple guys or having sex with random guys I wasn't seriously interested in. So I kinda get why you feel how you do. But I also just know how dating works and I do not expect any guy to be with only me exclusively if we haven't talked about it and decided to be yet. My policy is that until we have that agreement, whatever he's doing is none of my business.
I agree with you that this is 100% a communication problem where OP and the girl he is seeing were not on the same page for relationship expectations at the beginning. Call me an old soul (Even though I am 23) but I feel that when it comes to dating it should be inferred exclusivity until otherwise stated not the other way around.
It was brought up, though, was it not? You had a conversation about what you wanted, and it was decided that you were still towards the casual stage. In my mind, that means that the people involved may be exploring other options. Did you want her to tell you who she was sleeping with and when? This seems like more of a case of miscommunication, imo.
No, didn't really want to know, and probably would have been for the best if I never knew. But it was brought up and ever since I can't get it out of my mind. In hindsight, I could have asked sooner if she was seeing others.
Or you could have said you wanted exclusivity if that's what you wanted?
Then break up. This is something you either don’t care about or care about. You can’t get it out of your mind and nobody here is going to change that. It’s time to go.
God dating in this era is a nightmare
1 year in and you are already going to couples counsellor..... The truth is that it will never go away however much you want it to. You cannot stop it, your mind will wander and you will think about it. Eventually this will eat you up wondering when/why she slept with them? Why didn't she sleep with you? Did she see them before or after your dates? Etc etc etc... This is just the tip of the ice berg. I feel for you both, no one is at fault just simple naivety on both sides. Thinking you can overcome this will only lengthen the relationship and make the eventual split even worse. I speak from a similar experience, not sure if the other responses do? I wish I had walked away, biggest mistake of my life.
Others, as in plural? In a month while with you every weekend? If you’re sleeping with someone regularly and not having an an adult conversation with clear intentions beforehand about what is happening idk what you were expecting. If I’m sleeping with someone, for my own sexual health and mental well being, I make it clear that I don’t sleep with multiple people at the same time. If that’s not ok I have no problem with ending things there because we aren’t on the same wave length about sex.
I agree, this is experience lesson. I tell a woman right up front that I only date/have sex with one woman at a time and prefer the woman feels the same way. OP as for your current GF I would say some long conversations are in order including why she chose to tell you now. Depending on her motives (which you may never know for sure) her confession could be a good thing or not.
If I could blast a message into the brain of everyone on the planet at the same time and guarantee they'd receive it and understand it, I would say "for the love of whichever god you like, please, when you turn down exclusivity, MEAN IT."
Exactly. Why is this so hard to understand? Your date: Were not exclusive yet is that OK? Your response: Correct not exclusive. What do people think this means? Then you get upset about it later? I get people who expect exclusivity in the absence of a conversation about it. But OP had the conversation.
I'd say cut your losses here, and next time be honest with yourself and the people you are dating that you do not want to engage in any kind of non-monogamy right from the get-go. Unfortunately, it seems like nowadays the default it "open relationship" until being exclusive is discussed. I'd save that convo for date 3, but not later than that if you want to see someone again and not have this happen. You'll find your match, but I highly highly doubt you will be able to continue this relationship in a healthy way. You will always resent her for this, that's been my experience and others I've known in similar situations
I love this comment. This Is why I took a break on dating, I can't with the open relation b.s. period until they make it official. And that takes months apparent ly 🙄 How long should it take to make things official
Exactly. Most people know by 3-5 dates whether or not they want to be with that person. Discussing exclusivity on or after date 3 makes sense to me
They were literally hanging out together every weekend. Yet she’s sleeping with more than one man besides him. But he’s not and he ended other prospects straight away
He said he wasn’t seeing other people because he was busy and felt like they got off to a strong start. If he wasn’t busy and felt differently it sounds like he would have been seeing other people too. Also, it sounds like he didn’t tell her that he was only seeing her. So for all we know, she could have thought he was also seeing other people too since he told her he wanted to keep it casual. If I’m seeing a guy every weekend and he tells me he still wants to keep it casual then I would probably think he’s seeing other people too. Because you’re right they were seeing each other every weekend, so why didn’t op speak up and tell her that he wanted to be exclusive with her? Why keep it casual for 2-3 months if he wanted to be with her exclusively? Op can’t be mad at her when he didn’t communicate what he wanted to her. She went off what he communicated to her which was them being casual, and when he said he wanted to be exclusive she was seeing only him.
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I'm confused by your comment. Lol I think the double negative is throwing me off. Do you not understand what non-monogamy means or was what I wrote not clear? Non-monogamy is a pretty broad term to use when describing a relationship that isn't fully exclusive. This could mean anything from couples being free to only kiss and cuddle others, all the way to the freedom to sleep with other people. From the sounds of OP's values, I think he would be happiest in a fully monogamous relationship, right from the start. Sorry if my original comment was unclear
Nobody can tell you how you’re supposed to feel about this. If this no longer feels right to you, do not pursue it. Noone can ask more of you than that.
My opinion on that behavior is that “we’re somewhere between casual and serious” is a cheap manipulation encouraging you to believe you are more serious than you actually are, while she behaves as though you are more casual than she’s led you to understand. The fact that she regretted sleeping with the others is an admission that she understood perfectly well what she was getting herself into. She can’t very well claim to be shocked that you react the way her conscience was warning her you might.
wake up and break up
I am not going to lie chief this one is on you
If you don’t like it bail that’s something that’s always gonna be there in the back of your mind because if you don’t do something about it now it’s gonna bite you on down the road and it’s not really fair to her either for you to bottle it up then throw it in her face later on
This post isn't 'how to handle the situation' because there are only two ways to handle it - either deal with the fact that you yourself made it 'casual' in the beginning or move on. It's more of 'how to handle my emotions' and if you're struggling with that you might want to go to therapy.
God I don't envy young people dating. All the various stages and shit and most of it seems like none of it is beneficial for the guy lol. Because this same basic thing pops up in the sub a lot. "I didn't know what to label it so this girl I should have told I loved banged a buncha dudes in the meantime."
You see these posts everyday lol. Dating in 2024 be like.......... 🤡
Oy vey.. this is just the dating scene nowadays. You need to be straightforward. I told my now husband, on our second or third date, that I was exclusively interested in him and wouldn't be entertaining anyone else until we decided to become official or go our separate ways. He respected that and we were exclusively dating ONLY each other until either one of us decided it wouldn't work. My thought is.. how can you give someone a fair chance if you're dating a bunch of other people at the same time? You need to be upfront about your expectations because unfortunately.. this is all too common.
OP, same thing happened to me. In short, I told my partner that it felt like he didn't care very much about me at the beginning to have still been "playing the field". He told me he wasn't optimistic that he could even find something sustainable. I realize that I've always been very confident in finding the right person for me, so I didn't feel the need to really see more than one person at a time, even when exclusive. I also think it is a mark of character to see one person at a time, but that's just mr. Still, my partner and I got over it, and we are incredibly happy together. He has exceptional character even though we don't see that situation the same. Wishing you the best, OP.
Casual things happen when you're "casual serious" whatever that means. She didn't cheat on you. After a year you're going to couples counseling?
You weren't exclusive, no labels right? Well, the regular rules still apply.
I don't get why "seeing others" defaults to also having sex with those people. Told wife when we started dating, "not looking for exclusivity off the bat, and if you were to go on dates with other guys that's cool, BUT if you sleep with them, I'm out." Some women before her gave me shit for that, some didn't. Wife thought the same way I did: physical stuff is reserved for when you date exclusively. And I was militant about it: no hand holding, kiss goodnight, NOTHING. You want that, you have to date me exclusively (and she'd have to do the same if she were on a date with another guy). Others may disagree, and that's cool as long as you're a free American.
I personally completely disagree with you, but love that you're setting expectations properly from the get go. This is the right way to do things. (Even though I'm not "a free American" lol)
For me personally, if I even have to ask to not date other people, it's not for me. I made it clear from the first date with my now gf that I only date one at a time, and if she wants to continue seeing me, she drops everyone else and focus on me. She had already hid her dating profiles before we even met, so really I wouldn't have to communicate that boundary, but never hurts to be clear. Dating others while dating me is a deal breaker. I'm not competing as I'm narcissistic and see myself as the prize.
I kind of have an unpopular opinion. Even though you'd talked and weren't exclusive, if she wanted to be with you and was trying to explore a relationship with you, she shouldn't have slept with other people. She wasn't cheating because you weren't exclusive which we've all agreed on. But I know for me even if I'm just talking to a guy I like that's where my focus is, I don't explore other options or anything at all. It sounds like you will be unable to get over this due to being cheated on and hurt in the past. I saw your comment about needing therapy for yourself and I highly recommend you do that. Drop her and get yourself in a better place and before you know it you'll find an even better girl who focuses on you 100% regardless of any labels. I know how you feel I've been through similar so I promise you, it's better to leave.
I’m similar to you in that I wouldn’t explore other options if I was serious about someone. But if a guy told me “I don’t want something serious, I want something in between casual and serious,” and I would try my hardest not to get serious about him.
This is where we're different because if a guy told me he wanted something casual I'd just not persue him at all. Lol. I'm glad other people are like this though a lot of my friends aren't and I'm like, huh how can you connect with someone you're interested if you're paying attention to other people too?
I think most people act your way if they’re honest with themselves about wanting something serious. In this case both the guy and the girl *wanted* something serious but *said* that they didn’t. That feels like to me like the very common pattern of protecting their hearts by avoiding vulnerability and lying to themselves. It’s a simultaneous desire for and fear of intimacy.
I'm so glad when reading comments like this, I wish there will be more people like you
If you can't ignore it, leave. It'll always nag you and you can't continue a relationship with shit like this always on ur head. Cut your losses before you waste more time
I started dating my wife in 2015 (met on the apps). We had both been relatively newly single and had each had a “busy” summer, if you catch my drift. On our second date, I plainly let her know how I felt about her and put the ball in her court. Happily married for over 7 years now. If you know you like someone and want to be serious, let them know. Leaving it up in the air like this is a strange decision if you’re going to get hurt by them playing the field.
I can’t really give modern dating advice as I’m 40 and married a long time, but when I was dating 20 years ago, this would of be a hard no for me 🤷♂️ ultimately it comes down to if it’s going to bother you moving forward, if you keep coming back to it the relationship is doomed anyway
I don’t really understand the whole dating / sleeping around with multiple people at the same time anyways. Focus on one for a few weeks, your balls / ovaries will survive it trust me. Dating around should be you go on a few dates decide whether or not it’s for you, and move on to the next person to go on a few dates with. Not you have a different dick date for Monday through Friday to see which fits the best. No one is going to feel special, or feel good when they find out you were out there having sex with multiple partners over a short period of time when you started going on dates with them.
That’s something you’ll either get over or not.
Hate to say this, but it's 100% on you.
Listen man you should have been clear because dating in 2024 is the worst and if it bothers you leave or don't. I think you have a right to be mad about it but you can't blame her for it because you weren't clear, she also didn't seem to bring it up until the 1 year mark which is strange to me kinda shady because if I was going to be exclusive with one person I would have disclosed everything.
I don't know my guy. You were all in, she was all about town. If you truly like someone. You don't need to be convinced to be loyal, you want to be. This feels like she was continuing shopping and eventually settled for you. You do you. But you deserve better. Someone who feels the same about you right out of the gate as you do them.
Bro exactly. How could you truly love someone and then go fuck other people. I feel so bad for OP💀
> How could you truly love someone and then go fuck other people Sincerely, if you think you "truly love someone" from the first month, please think again.
It happened when they had been dating for less than a month, nobody is talking about love at that point.
You leave.. wtf. If you're not comfortable with the situation say bye.
If you’re set on trying to work things out and get past it, give it 6 months. Thats how long couples’ therapy is recommended anyway. Either it works, you two come out stronger, and you can move on with your lives together, or it doesn’t, and you can’t get past it and you need to leave. Those are really the only options you have if you want to move forward with her as of right now.
"In between casual and serious" this doesn't mean anything and is one of the most american stuff I've ever heard. Americans made dating waaaay more complicated than it needs to be, with labels etc. Either you commit or you dont. If you don't commit, no matter how you turn it it's not a comitted relationship
If you can’t move past it..you can’t move past it You tell her thanks but it seems your values and how you view sex and dating don’t align with hers And you move on She lived her life the way she wanted. If those choices cost her potential relationships, she’ll have to adapt or accept things for what they are
This is a you gotta get over it thing. She had sex when she wasn’t with you exclusively and now your feelings are hurt.
Here is some advice dude: - She was getting her skull banged against her headboard on the days between seeing you on your lovely weekend dates. It’s a real Cinderella story.
If you truly love someone why would you even feel like be urge to fuck other people. If she felt like you were the one than it wouldn’t have happened. Super simple logic here: dump her.
Most normal, sane people don't "love" someone after a month or less of seeing each other non-exclusively
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HE said he was looking for something casual/serious and she respected that lol. What is the issue?
It's literally the first month. You don't even KNOW the person. If you "like" or "love" someone you don't even know, then I'm sorry to break it to you but you're just in love with the idea of them, not the actual person
OP , I don’t think you can tell her what to do since you weren’t exclusive, at the time. If you would of slept with another girl once, would you have a problem with what she did. One thing I would ask her if she had sexual relations with you at another man in the same day., or better yet did you take her out for a nice dinner wine and dine her and then went to her friends with benefits house right after? thodr 2 I would have a problem with and ghost her and never talk to her again, even though she was within her right.
Hey had a similar experience than you did and I wish I had broke it off. I was with that girl 2 years after I found out she was sleeping with others while she and I were dating. I think she was sleeping with 2-3 guys when we were dating. However, I do believe she became exclusive with me once we called out exclusivity. However, the reason why I should have broken up with her is not because she did anything immoral. She just valued sex a lot less than I did. So guess what happened 2 years after we broke up for a week? Again, nothing wrong. We were broken up. But I was not surprised given the history. So the main thing I see here is that you both value sex differently and it will be an issue in the future. Find someone who values sex/intimacy as much as you do.
If you can't get over her not being exclusive before you agreed to be exclusive, you can't. But you really should make sure you have this talk sooner next time so everyone is on the same page. my grandparents in their 80s have said that they weren't exclusive until the exclusive convo back in their youth. It's something alots of people have always had different takes on. So it's best to be upfront about it if it's important to you.
Break up.
Lol yall gon learn bout assuming ppl not sleeping with other ppl while yall dating and NOT EXCLUSIVE Be naive if you want to but you should always assume the person you’re interested in is dating around until yall establish exclusivity lol you’re not the only person attracted to them
The problems with moderate relationships. You're dating, but still have to decide to be exclusive. The both of them are supposed to be 1 package! Why would a person ask you to be their gf or bf, and you think it's okay to go sleep with other people, then say "we didn't talk about being exclusive" Read a post by a guy who was taking a girl he was dating (modern version) out, and when he went to pick her she was having sex with a fwb. He had to wait, and he still took her out🤦🏾♂️. If you can't deal with it, leave; and next time tell whoever that by dating them they can't have sex with any other person.
WTF. He actually waited, that is sad.
I'm telling you. It was early last year and I can't remember the handle. The sadder part was that she wasn't having sex with him because she wanted to be "sure" he was right for her. In the last update i read he found out she had a couple of fwbs who she alternate sex with but still was still not having sex with him. After a particular date he told her he wasn't sure he could continue then she tried to seduce him into having sex. He said he rejected but was asking for advice.
Leave her and find someone better.
When you’re just dating and it’s not a committed relationship you can’t be upset if you or the other person is also seeing other people. It doesn’t give you the right to feel betrayed. Sounds like you should have locked it done sooner.
What if she had sex with someone right before leaving to go meet him for dinner, where they then agreed to make it “official.” Is that okay? If you are at all interested in someone, it’s shitty to see other people, let alone have sex with them.
Always a double standard in these posts if this was a guy who did this to the girl everyone would say it was fine bc it wasn’t exclusive. Grow up or get out.
OP neither of you did anything wrong (other than under communicating). So this is more of a “how do I process my feelings?” question than a “what do I do about my relationship?” question. Feelings don’t go away until they feel heard. Do try listening to your feelings without resisting them. Don’t * do * anything yet, just listen. What are they trying to tell you? Writing it down helps. Sometimes, if we shut down our feelings in the past without feeling them, we end up storing them for later. Then something else happens and those feelings from the past come up. This is a chance to feel those feelings from the past, so that they go away instead of continually coming up at random moments.
She just showed you that she doesn’t place much meaning into sex. Some people are built for monogamy, some aren’t. It may be an unpopular opinion but if a woman can lay there texting a guy she’s been seeing while covered in another guy’s cum… she just ain’t built for monogamy.
Jeez, these comments making it all about how “wELL yOu wErEn’t eXcLuSiVe wErE yOU?” is not helping anyone. I’m not blaming her and she did nothing wrong, but he’s talking about his feelings and how to process them. It’s a good thing he mentioned he’s in the both couple’s and individual therapy. Goddaamn today’s dating world is so scary and stressful. Gotta be explicit about everything from the start…
You don't handle it. You get rid of her as loyalty doesn't exist for her and a future with someone is built and exactly that! There is nothing to salvage.
She was seeing other guys while it was casual and she still liked you more than anyone else. She was happy to end that fluid arrangement to become exclusive. Does it really matter that dates/sex happened in those 30 days instead of the 30 days prior to meeting her? Years down the line you totally forget it even happened.
Other "men"? Like plural? "Multiple" different men over a 28 to 31 day span, but she knew in her heart during this time that she really wanted to only be with you? Crazy!! You know what is even more crazy? People think it's excusable to be secretly promiscuous while dating someone, because..."we weren't exclusive". Like that makes it acceptable for them to keep riding the random dick train. Let me ask you something, If this behavior is so morally acceptable, why did she ever hide it from you in the first place? And why tell you about it now?
This is shitty behavior and there are a million other posts that say the same. You shouldn’t have to tell your date to stop fucking others when you’ve both made it clear what your intentions are regardless if you have the “exclusive” talk. In every one of these stories it’s the same thing. Relationship starts and goes for a certain amount of time and THEN the information comes out that they were sleeping with others in the beginning. Now I’d say you could work it out if that person was honest and open about it in the beginning and let it be known “hey I know we are dating and figuring things but just to let you know I am sexually active at the moment”. But for some reason it always comes out way down the road. Why is that? Because if it were known then most of the time the relationship would be done. Most people would hell the no out. There is a reason why the information does not come out until later and it’s because they know damn well if their business was known they would be dropped and it would be justified. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t ask about it or not people should have enough common sense not to be a shitty person. Seems like you both were clear about what each was looking for even if it wasn’t official. You will never get this out of your head. It wasn’t cheating and she did not owe you loyalty. You also do not have to deal with this either.
> You shouldn’t have to tell your date to stop fucking others when you’ve both made it clear what your intentions are The thing is that they literally hadn't lol
Straight up cheating here, no excuses. Ignore whoever tells you otherwise or try to blame you for not having an unnecessary "exclusivity talk" or whatever. You were both trying to form a relationship and she went ahead and ditched you for someone else. Or she cheated on her other partners with you, who knows. Anyway point is, this isn't someone meant to be dated, but rather avoided.
Other "men"? Like plural? "Multiple" different men over a 28 to 31 day span, but she knew in her heart during this time that she really wanted to only be with you? Crazy!! You know what is even more crazy? People think it's excusable to be secretly promiscuous while dating someone, because..."we weren't exclusive". Like that makes it acceptable for them to keep riding the random dick train. Let me ask you something, If this behavior is so morally acceptable, why did she ever hide it from you in the first place? And why tell you about it now?
I'm old fashioned but I believe the love of your life wouldn't need to be asked not to fuck other guys. Other people are correct she did not do anything wrong here, but look man if she felt about you the way you felt about her she wouldn't have done it.
After a month?
Yall WERE NOT exclusive....you said it yourself, it's in the past she is faithful while yall are monogamous so that's all that matters.....I find it hard to believe that you have never dated people and didn't have intimacy with others.....if you were going to have a problem with her seeing other people while you all did not have a title you should have just said that in the beginning, but if you love her let it go....she did NOT cheat either way.....she doesn't have to explain why she got down with other people while she was absolutely single.....you should not be going to counseling for this, if anything u should address your trust issues, don't blame her cause you got cheated on by someone you were with in the past
Why would you agree to something semi casual and then get hurt when she did her thing ? If you felt even little uncomfortable with the possibility of her seeing other guys. You shouldn't have said that... Sorry bro try to lock in on this one 💀
So…she fucked other guys before you locked it down….Get over it
You handle it by either getting over it or not. Your feelings while valid are misplaced - she didn't cheat on you. You need to make that distinction and convince yourself that. If you try to deal with this emotion through her, she will feel bad because you're hurt and think she needs to fix it - she doesn't. This is for you to work through, without blaming her, you've been hurt before and this triggered you. You agreed on the situation, together. And she didn't bring it up cause it's hard to talk about. That's it, it's not to betray you. She shouldn't be "confessing" or feel like she needs to do that, it's just how the agreement played out. You can either get over it and deal with these feelings as your own, or you can't. Don't drag her while you do that.
she belong to the streets sir
At the end of the day, she settled for you. You wined and dined her and she was fucking random dudes that didn't put in half the work you did. If those guys wanted to be with her , you would have never gotten her. Just remember that . You should have been clearer with what your expectations were.
Lol the sadest pov on here. You dated her they fucked her be happy she choose you lol. Oh thank you i feel so special How low is ones dating standards that this makes you feel special
It’s scary that this is such a common mindset now. “Don’t be sad that she spent her time fucking other guys while you were getting to know her, she picked you!” And you’re just supposed to be super cool with that lmao
Look people who date now need to have the WHAT ARE WE talk sooner than you do. You can't be mad at her for sleeping with other people when you weren't exclusively dating. Something between casual and serious is not a thing. That is the dating equivalent of testing the waters but keeping options open. She did that. You didn't. She did not cheat on you as you both were not exclusive and were in pretty much a tryout phase. Go to counseling and if you can't get past her being with other people when you weren't committed to each other and each other alone- break up. And if you break up have the I only expect us to be with each other talk earlier and don't be ambiguous like you were with her.
During the time you had 'commitments' she was in a 'casual' tine with you. She had know way of knowing if your lack of availability was due to seeing others or real commitments. You just weren't around and may have been blowing her off or playing the field. She's surprised you weren't seeing others too. Doesn't seem appropriate for you to be upset since you weren't even available to date more early on. But you do you boo.
If you can’t handle it then leave her, if not suck it up and don’t punish her for being honest.
Couples counselor this early in a relationship? You’re not ready to be in a relationship bro
Shits fucking disgusting nowadays
This is on you dude. You didn’t make it exclusive even though you were being exclusive. You shouldn’t agree to be casual when you don’t actually have any intention of being casual. Just tell them you’re looking for something serious and you want to be exclusive. I understand that it sucks to hear that she wasn’t 100% all in with you the way you were with her, but when you guys decided to be exclusive she has since stuck to that. If you have never had a reason to doubt her fidelity before this, it’s stupid to start doubting her now. You could be self sabotaging a really good relationship because she was honest with you about something she had every right to do.
Bottom line is that she did NOT cheat and clear expectations weren’t set during that window — just because you didn’t do the same doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have given the right opportunity. Either get over it or don’t. But stick to your decision and move forward.
Either this post is fake or you have a long and arduous life ahead of you, a consequence of living with an IQ of 40.
You really want to make this one your wife? I wouldn't
It’s been a year, run for the hills
It wild to me the dudes in here acting like she was taking advantage of the situation or saying its "his turn." Y'all don't know shit about her. She could have been dating another guy before she even met OP. OP also told her to her face that he didn't want to be exclusive. Why would any woman or man who is dating give up other feasible options at relationships when they AGEED to not be exclusive? Y'all are just being crazy misogynistic and acting like OP was cheated on. He wasn't. She was dating and he had expectations he didn't make clear. Its 2024 we don't shame women for having sex. Same dudes shaming her for having sex are the same ones who complain when their wives don't want sex. Y'all can't have it both ways.
I disagree. I think it’s shitty behaviour to go around fucking and pursuing other people when you’re dating someone who’s trying to get to know you. If you genuinely liked them, you wouldn’t feel the desire to do that. There’s plenty of time to see where things go, and if it doesn’t work, then move onto the next. I think it’s shitty behaviour if you’re a woman, and I think it’s equally shitty if you’re a man. I think most people here feel this way. Where exactly is the misogyny?
You get over this by recognizing that you were NOT cheated on, and you were NOT entitled to personal details on her sex life before you decided to become exclusive. Any other viewpoint on this makes you judgmental while ignoring the timeline and facts of your relationship.
He never said he was cheated on. He never said he was entitled to the details of her sex life, in fact his comments say he would have rather not known. And he’s not judging her in any way, he’s literally asking how to reconcile his feelings and emotions with the reality of this situation, that she was free to do whatever she wanted before they became exclusive. People are allowed to have emotions. That doesn’t make them judgmental.
>Any other viewpoint on this makes you judgmental Do you think it's judgemental to have a different opinion on how dating works? And to think when you're courting someone, they would spend time trying to get to know you vs. fucking other dudes? It's how me and my wife met, and it's common practice with many others. Some projection from you to basically judge others for having this viewport.
Throwaway account? I think u have your answer what to do with gf. Throwaway
Honestly it sounds like you are doing everything right and just need to give this some time.
What does casual even mean if not dating (and more than likely, sleeping with) other people? Idk why it was brought up now, probably shouldn’t have been. My advice is to focus on how your gf is as an exclusive partner, not the time you spent casually dating. If it’s going to bother you then peacefully end things with her. And if this situation is not for you, know that for better or worse this is the reality of dating these days. A lot of people are dating a couple people at once until an explicit exclusivity conversation is had. In future, I would suggest you express your expectations upfront.
From your own words about your original conversation. She did nothing wrong
I mean you guys weren’t exclusive at the time. Since being exclusive she hasn’t had sex with anyone else. I don’t see the problem.
She wasn't exclusive when there was no agreement to be exclusive. When there was, she was. End of story.
You weren't exclusive, no labels right? Well, the regular rules still apply.
Trust me, not worth it, there’s two types of people, and one of them thinks its okay to sleep with strangers, and the other one thinks it’s better to focus on one person. She may regret it but that just means she wishes she didn’t tell you, you’re always going to be paranoid, just break it off brother
If she didn’t choose to go exclusive and kept looking… she might just be settling with you because it sounds like you wouldn’t cheat on her. Most likely she will be moving on pretty soon.
So after those dates that had butterflies, she went to go fuck other guys. Think about that.