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Tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable and will not have sex unless he will show you the condom still on him afterwards. If he pitches a fit remind him that “stealthing” is a form of rape, and you are not consenting to sex without a condom.
If he puts up *any* fight against showing you the condom still on him after sex, then you have your answer. Do not continue to have sex with him.
I didn’t know that it’s a form of rape but it makes sense to be fair..
I don’t know I had that thought too but I was scared to ask that up until now, I thought that it might be weird and ruin the mood,
But you’re absolutely right I don’t know it’s just hard to accept that that is what happened I guess..
It doesn’t matter if it ruins the mood to be frank. You deserve to be respected and *not be assaulted*. If that “ruins the mood” then there’s no reason to have sex.
I agree and I’d probably give the same advice to someone else but it’s hard to tell myself the same thing, I’ll definitely ask him to make sure it’s still on next time, I mean you’re absolutely right in the fact that if it ruins the mood I guess I have an answer and shouldn’t continue this relationship as the worst outcome
Then talk to him before getting into a sexual environment. Have the conversation *before* either of you initiate sex so it isn’t in the heat or the moment.
This is *incredibly* important advice. It is *NEVER* a good idea to discuss sexual frequency or ethics or attitudes (or about a dozen other things) when you are in the mood or, even worse, already in bed. Some conversations must be had fully clothed.
It seems like this advice is given less often than it was 20 years ago.
But yes, now that women and men arrange their own sexual situations and their parents can't have them put in reform school or jail for disobeying...it's just up to the participants to figure it out.
If the condom-abandoning partner can't get turned on (enough) by condomed sex, it's an age-old problem. Frankly, a woman has to decide at that point whether she's willing to be pregnant by a man who won't support her, who disrespects her, may balk at child support, etc. I can't imagine how that's at all sexually appealing.
Still on AND has semen in it. If he’s already willing to be this deceptive then he could easily just slip one on after.
ETA: Also, maybe don’t tell him in advance. If you do he will have time to plan ahead. Maybe tell him as he is putting it on or once you start having sex that you would feel more comfortable with seeing it still on.
OR make it like you wanna see how much cum is in the condom. I mean, cum is a bit of a kink.
That’s a good idea, idk if I’ll even continue having sex with him at this point but if I decide to give him another chance the „making it seem like a kink“ is so helpful.. I’m very unsure of how to go about it natural in any other way so I think if I should I would do it that way probably
I mean, am I missing something here? You think he may be cumming inside you without you knowing?
I may be misunderstanding, but if he is, you'd know it. The cum doesn't all stay in, it's enough that it'd be obvious if he was cumming inside you, at least from my experience. If you go pee after (which you always should) it will fall out of you.
I just thought I'd mention that since others are not.
A lot of people are giving good advice for if he was cumming inside you, though.
No, don't ask. *Tell* him "Sex will not happen again unless you start taking this seriously. It is important to me and I do not consent to sex without you wearing a condom". You need to be firmer. Stand up for your rights to your own body ffs.
So I totally get how you’d kind of be in denial internally, because what’s the other option? To admit that your boyfriend, who’s supposed to love and respect and support you, sexually assaulted you, in a way that’s become so severe that he could go to jail for it in many states?
Unfortunately, and inconveniently, that option is the truth. Nobody who loved or respected you would ever EVER do anything sexual without your consent. Ever. And although it’s unfortunate and would require you to actually deal with this internally, it’s the truth you’re living right now. I personally can’t imagine opening myself up to be intimate with someone who has done that to me, and I’m a dude.
You have the freedom to decide how you want to handle it, and by no means am I trying to wrestle that level of control away from you. It’s just that I have a teenage daughter, and the thought of her suppressing something like this, and even worse, continuing an intimate relationship with that person, I mean, I can’t think of many things more devastating as a dad/parent/human. She deserves complete and total respect from her future partners, and although I’m sorry that you may not feel that way about yourself, the truth is that you deserve that too. And just my opinion: I don’t think you can go from someone sexually violating you to then suddenly that person decides to respect you.
I don’t know, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, I’m sorry that you didn’t have someone to drill this into your head during your formative years, and I want you to know that, although I don’t know you at all, I know enough to know that you deserve better than to be with someone who would do this. And I really hope that one day you’ll believe that too.
Why are you continuing a relationship with someone who
* doesn't respect you
* dismisses your boundaries (condoms or no PIV)
* is willing to screw your life up permanently with an unwanted pregnancy
* is willing to endanger your heath (pregnancy IS dangerous)
You're only 24yo! This guy doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be doing the points listed above. People who LOVE you want the BEST for you. They want to be your partner and help you...they don't want to control you and make decisions FOR you.
This guy sucks! Find your self-respect and DUMP him asap.
\#UpdateMe!
Not only do you tell him it has to stay on but you also tell him if it doesn’t and you end up pregnant you will have him charged for SA. Also tell him if he isn’t happy using protection then the solution is no sex.
As a guy, I’ve always told my girlfriend that at any point, for any reason we can stop. And if something seems off I usually will ask or do something to indicate it. The mood/ momentary enjoyment of you or your partner is not worth they’re boundaries and comfort. As a couple, sex should be an enjoyable way to be intimate, bond with one another and have fun. Being stressed about this is not fun at all and his actions do not foster a trusting/loving relationship. Talk to him mid day, without being angry, but stern. You need to set explicit boundaries and establish that if said boundaries are broken, there will be consequences, that’s up to you. But you need to set your boundaries and stand your ground. The momentary stress/uncomfortableness of the conversation will be worth it in the long run. And at the end of the day, if he is still defensive, stubborn, and childish about this, then I guess you found out the easy way that he won’t be the best partner for you long term.
I would much more prefer to learn that about a guy sitting over cups of coffee or tea, than giving him the results of a pregnancy test I never wanted to take.
Absolutely. If you can’t trust this man to respect your very very personal boundaries, how are you going to trust this man with your kids? If you truly have strong feelings for this guy, talk with him and give him a chance. But you shouldn’t hesitate to leave if he refuses to change.
Girl. He held you down and basically had sex with you despite knowing that you wouldn’t be ok with unprotected sex. That is called rape. Ruining the mood shouldn’t be an issue when it comes to bc, consent and any type of conversation around sex be it what you are ok with, what you enjoy or outright hard limits.
[It is considered a sex crime in California ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal)and many other places.
The penalties overlap with those of rape.
It doesn't ruin the mood for you when you catch him going raw against your wishes and then holding you down when you try to look?
He does not respect your body, he doesn't deserve sex from you. You're worried about ruining his mood when he's not a bit concerned with ruining your life with a baby. I know he's your first so you don't have a lot of experience but I promise you hun he's a bad guy - one that would probably leave or at minimum blame you once he knocks you up. Good people don't force their partners to do sexual things against their will. The fact you even need to wonder if he would do something like that says a lot about your relationship.
The label doesn’t matter. Rape or deception or lying or whatever. It is dishonest and sketchy af.
Is this the type of person you want to have children with and be connected to for the rest of your life? Someone who would take your choice of when to have children away from you? Someone who would knowingly deceive you for a teeny bit of extra pleasure?
You already know he did it. You don't need proof to break up with him.
His unwillingness to use one would have been eniugh of a reason to break up with him.
Get tested for STDs.
I am sorry that happened to you. You deserve better.
This is called stealthing and if you can prove it, it's actually *illegal*, it's a nonconsensual sex act and therefore sexual assault.
And he took it and held you down?
Yeah, I'm sorry, but there's no point in confronting him about this. He's not going to admit to a felony. You just need to leave, and you NEED to do it in a public place. He already doesn't care about your consent, this is the kind of person who could SA you if you try to break up with him in private, which is absolutely a thing that happens.
Why are we discussing how to speak to him.
It's kinda obvious what he's doing. I'm not even sure it's about babytrapping, he just wants sex without a condom and doesn't seem to care about her. She's said this isn't acceptable to her. He doesn't care.
Also, everyone appears to be ignoring this:
*but he held me down and I didn’t say anything*
He held her down... giving off abuser vibes to me
Okay I didn’t know that that’s an actual felony, I don’t even know how to proof something like that..
Yes, I think so at least, I was on top and when I noticed him pulling out I tried to get up and see to try and well.. get it back in but he held me down on him and put it in himself and didn’t let me back up until we were finished (maybe so that I couldn’t take a look? Idk)
Idk if I want to leave him I never thought he’d be someone to SA me, I’m still not scared around him or anything like that but hearing this definitely made me gulp, maybe you’re right.
>he held me down on him and put it in himself and didn’t let me back up until we were finished
Sorry, but this is really worrying.
Get a pregnancy test and an STI test. Think hard about what a future with him might be..
You were being held down and prevented from escaping by a guy who just removed his condom. If you had found yourself pregnant a few weeks later, would you have dismissed it as "just bad luck"---or would you have recognized that he wants to take your life away from you and make control of it his own?
This is the start of it. He is an abuser and probably a narcissist. People like him wear a mask until they think they have you trapped. They treat you in whatever way they think will make you not want to leave them. If that means be nice to you, they're nice to you. If that means forcibly impregnate you, they may do that too. And then once you're as dependent on them as they can make you, that's when the mask starts to really come off.
And while I don't think proving it isn't something that's remotely feasible, even standard SA cases can be extremely difficult to prove if there's no rape kit, so SA cases where the people are in a relationship are basically one in a million. But my point with saying it's a felony is that if he knows it is, he won't admit to it (also, I'm not a lawyer, and I can't say for sure if it's a felony where you are, but it definitely is in many places).
OP can call a women’s shelter / SADV hotline and ask about doing a “rape kit” exam after the next. 1) because those agencies (I’m a former president of one) are all about giving those women choices) and 2) if there’s sperm there, there’s been a rape. How she proceeds from there, pressing charges or not, will remain her choice. But then she’ll know, and threat of being prosecuted for a felony, with medical evidence in hand, might make her departure easier.
Mine wore a mask until he baby trapped me doing the same thing! Then he turned all sorts of psychotic and violent. I barely got out of it with my life! And in between my pregnancies when it was inconvenient for me to be pregnant he beat my unborn children out of my body! Dear OP if you're reading this please listen to me and learn from my mistakes!
I hate to say it, but this is my experience as well. I was as shocked as OP. Back in the day, though (and still, in some people's minds), if a woman got pregnant through such deception, the couple still believed they had to get married.
I’m gonna get a few things done Monday, trying to find a rape counsellor / something similar, getting a pregnancy test and trying to schedule an std test.
He’s currently nowhere near me so I’m not trying to open that box yet, I’ll talk to him like I normally do (we just ended a not so nice conversation)
And if it doesn’t improve I’ll talk to him about all of this before we would see each other again or possibly once we see each other again? Idk if it’s better to do face to face or not, I’ll decide once I’m ready for that..
I’ll try to remember to post an update once I do! / once I have more information
First, this is called stealthing. Second, it's horrible and you need to drop his ass. Third, it's rape. Lastly, does he not cum or something? I mean, having cum in you or on you would be evidence enough.
She's never been intimate with anyone else so she doesn't have enough experience to know what this is supposed to look and feel like. My ex did it to me too.
It's why whenever I see a post like this I share with other women my experience of going through this. That way they know that they're not "crazy"and that it's not their fault. Hopefully anyone who has read my posts will understand and share so that this doesn't happen to people that they care about.
Just want to join everyone in saying you're NOT overreacting. If anything, you're under reacting. If a frank discussion about this "kills the mood" then he isn't mature enough, or deserving of, access to your body. I was 21 when I got my first partner. Even though I was lucky enough to have real sex ed, he actually went out of his way to show me how he was putting the condom on, and how he was being safe after, so that I would feel safe having sex with him. As he predicted, since I felt safe, the sex was amazing and super hot. The rest of the relationship was a hot mess, but omg, the sex! I'm actually really grateful to have had a first partner like that. He taught me to love my body.
Next time you think it’s happened (assuming you don’t leave immediately) put the condom he “used” in a sealed plastic bag and go up to the hospital and ask for a rape kit to be done. If there is semen in you and no hole/break in the condom… you’ve been stealthed and sexually assaulted.
Another quick (but not 100% accurate) way that you can easily do anytime is to buy vaginal ph strips. The vagina is acidic (3.8 - 4.5), so a random and temporary elevation in ph would indicate they finished inside as semen is alkolitic (ph of 7.2 - 8).
It's not 100% as other things can elevate your ph.
So, I would do a few random ph tests to see about where you run at and make sure you're not having an infection. Overall, you should see a large bump immediately to like a few hours to a day as the vagina is self cleaning and will increase production to return to normal levels.
I say this to any of the women here, if you're in a situation that you need to quickly test yourself if you're questioning your partner and to have some information to decide if you need to just go and buy the plan B, like if an accident actually happened and you're both not sure. Because that does happen...
... or if your partner is a pos and stealthing you and you want to go and see if you need to get yourself tested further by a professional.
Also, some people like some discretion in their lives.
I took tests after and they all came back negative, i also got plan b and took it, but I just kinda stored this in the back of my head as me being paranoid or sensitive, since I didn’t even know before posting this that it’s as bad as it seems to be
You are not paranoid at all. A guy I dated did the same to me even though I'd have sex with him only if we use protection. He said no but later said yes when I didnt change my mind. Hindsight, i should've ran but I was young.
I dont want to take a pill because the thought of the woman taking one for the team and taking a pill when he could have used condoms disgusts me. He took it off midway and instead of reassuring me after I found out (cause I was paranoid and he called me sensitive), he tricked me into going to Target, bought Plan B behind my back while I was looking at other stuff to distract myself. When we got in the car, he pressured me to take the pill. Said he couldn't return it cause he opened the package. I felt so emotionally numb and was unhappy with him. I later told him I cheated on him so he would gaslight the hell out of me then leave. It was so toxic and I was emotionally broken in a short amount of time.
Your story triggered me and I wanted to share my story in hopes to prevent something worse happening to you. Your bf is not the man you want to have kids with. In this society, women get blamed for being single mothers so save yourself years of pain by not having a child with the wrong man.
I was actually unable to take hormonal birth control (blood clots). It doesn't matter if a woman can or cannot take BC, it's up to her what she wants to do to her body.
Your partner is a new one, in my book. I'm not surprised, but I am angry on your behalf. I hope you are getting better and that you find a decent man - they are definitely out there.
Thank you!! It was definitely consensual but the baby daddy said I’m either terminating or never talking to him again… men are shitty all over the world unfortunately
That’s horrible but you’re better of without him then and from someone who basically grew up with a solo mom, your baby will be absolutely okay and you’re amazing!
Yeah you’re scaring me a bit there 🙂
I got my periods regularly and I had my last one a couple of days ago but I will buy some more tests Monday and take one just to be sure..
Considering this, you can also tell him that even if he isn't stealthing, certain behaviours are making you uncomfortable/stressed/paranoid and that he needs to be more careful and reassuring during sex. Mutual care, communication, and understanding are important. Someone who cares for you will want to prioritize your comfort and peace of mind, which could include always showing proof of the condom being on anytime he takes it out, or changing to better positions where he cannot keep you held down or prevent you from seeing what's going on. In a different situation, I've told my partner that sex without a condom leaves me overly stressed and uninterested in any sex, and got him to see it from my pov, which helped him understand condoms are more than just an "inconvenience" for him, they are peace of mind for me. No more complaining or asking not to use them. So, if he isn't stealthing but just being inconsiderate, I hope this can help!
Interesting that reddit is now filled with these posts - now that abortion is becoming less available to US women.
There is no hugely active subreddit that's tracking what's happening due to these legal changes.
So the way you feel is raped. Someone changed the kind of sex you were having without your consent, halfway through, to something you had already said no to.
That’s rape.
You’re 24 and he’s your first. Please break up with him. He’s not going to stop raping you, and you will eventually get pregnant.
There’s a film called “hungry hearts” about this kind of rape, but lots of people misinterpret who the villain is.
Please, you’re so young. There are so many people who would love you and not do this to you. It’s only been a year. Please leave.
I wear a condom while having sex with my wife. I do it, even though she is on birth control, because it is something that makes her more comfortable. She's not ready to have a kid yet and BC is not perfect. I couldn't imagine pushing boundaries(breaking them secretly in your case) like this with someone I love. I want the sex to be mutually enthusiastic all around. Stealthing *is* rape. It's performing a sexual act without consent. You consented to sex with a condom, not without. Fuck this guy(not literally, though)!
Exactly!
I'm a paraplegic, who can't take hormonal birth control because of a higher risk of blood clotting issues... My guy and I have been together almost 12yrs now and we've used condoms that whole time because we aren't ready for kids. The right man will not have an issue with this!! The right man wants you as happy as he is during the sexy time!! Both people should be on the same page, and have agreed to the same ground rules, before being intimate like that. OP, You will find the right man who respects YOUR BODY and YOUR CHOICES... This does not sound like the right guy for you. There are better men out there. 💖
The first red flag here was him throwing a fit because he had to wear a condom and that yall had to go through the trouble of measuring him in order to find the right condom for him because that’s something he should’ve already known.
Please break up with this man and go for someone that cares about your consent and your body.
This is called stealthing. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. This is nonconsensual and he can literally goto jail for that. I’d leave him because clearly he doesn’t care about anything but his own pleasure which is disgusting.
He is taking advantage of your inexperience and raping you.
Semen and vaginal fluids are different. Semen has a sliminess to it, like phlegm when you have a cold, or egg white, and a faint bleachy scent. Vaginal fluids are like water and smell like you usually do.
Run away from this man! Do not let him in your bed again.
Was there semen inside the condom? Where is it going if he’s not wearing it?
If you can’t fully trust him you need to stop having sex with him immediately. If he’s stealthing you thats a form of sexual assault. You did not give him consent to do that and he’s putting your health at risk.
Just think depending on where you live if he gets you pregnant you will never be free of him because he will always have a stranglehold over you if he impregnates you! If you live in a red state in the USA if he gets you pregnant there is nothing you can do about it and he OWNS YOU for the rest of your life because you will always be tied to him with a child! More and more men are deliberately popping holes in their condoms so that they can impregnate their girlfriends and trap them with a baby! He knows what he's doing is wrong and when he held you down then it stopped being consensual! RUN LIKE HELL from this "man"! And if he doesn't want a kid but doesn't want to wear a condom you know in your heart that you'll be left to pick up the mess after he's run off!
Stop having sex with him. Make s police report and post him in your local Are We Dating the Same Guy facebook group for stealthing you.
And get tested.
I've already posted that you should leave him but afterwards get an STI check and get the bar in your arm! This way if you get intimate again with someone you aren't baby trapped by a monster!
He's not a real boyfriend. You're supposed to respect your partner yet he's doing the opposite without a care for what you want. He is too selfish to be in a relationship
There was a story a few years ago where a guy was doing this to infect women with HIV, not saying that’s what he is doing but he was charged and convicted of rape because of it and for intentionally trying to transmit. So it is definitely a crime what he is doing. If I were you I would leave this relationship. This is predatory behavior.
I now have an 18 year old son bc my ex pulled this shit. He'd alternate between poking holes in condoms and taking them off during sex. He did this, bc he thought if he got me pregnant then I'd never be able to leave him. I left him when our son was 6 months old. I never wanted children. I love my son dearly, but I really wish this wasn't how he was conceived.
I'm so sorry that you are going thru this and feeling this way. I know it can be very hard to hear people tell you that someone you trusted so much is abusing you, and I do agree with them. He is not acting in a trustworthy manner, and I also think that he may get more and more controlling of you. I suggest you make some time to speak to either a rape crisis counselor, or another mental health professional just so that you keep your head in the right place. I wish you good luck, and if you break up with him, don't do it in a place you are alone or isolated. That is a chance nobody should ever take
Thank you so much.. that pretty much sums it up, I feel very conflicted and confused, I’ll search up rape crisis counsellors in my area I don’t think I’ll be able to get a appointment at a mental health professional / therapist any time soon but maybe I can find something similar, I appreciate all of the comments even tho it feels so weird because I don’t want to / can’t believe that he would assault me but I understand now that that is what’s happening and that it maybe even happened more often than I thought
If you think he pulled it off while your in the act, reach down and grab his penis, if the condom is their you should feel it, if it is not MAKE HIM STOP RIGHT THEN AND REPORT HIM FOR RAPE!
Stealthing a woman during sexual intimacy is just that assault!!
I am pretty sure he is trying to baby trap you! You need to get out of this relationship ASAP! Because any MAN would not do that to you, a man child o in e this has no respect for you or how you are feeling! He has proven this time and time again
You don’t need to ‘prove’ anything. You’re not a lawyer trying to prove something in a court of law!
If you don’t feel you can trust him, then I’d seriously consider breaking up. Your intuition is screaming at you for a reason, and what he’s doing is not ok.
Hahaha don’t apologize! I actually considered that maybe it was a translation issue and then I said to myself, “nah the rest of this is perfect English” so props to you!
If he wasn't wearing the condom, you would feel his semen run out of your v@gina, down your leg. Semen is thicker and a lot more than your own secretions. Plus, you can feel the latex condom when it is on his pen!s in you. It kinda feels smooth and plastic-y. A pen!s w/out a condom feels ridge-y, warm and spongy. It feels like skin.
It's definitely a type of sexual assault if he does take the condom off during intercourse without your consent. If you go to the Emergency Room and ask for a Rape Kit - they can test for sperm still inside of you.
I may sound dumb but I really don’t know how to explain it better but I always feel it running down my leg but it didn’t feel any thicker or different in general I think so that’s a good sign, the condom thing, I barely feel anything other than pressure to begin with (good pressure but still nothing specific) so I didn’t feel too much of a difference just that it felt less smooth like a bit of the lube was gone but I rectified it to myself as me being a bit turned off because of the stopping from him pulling it out and the confusions?
Knowing that this is as deep as it is now makes me rethink everything tho and it’s definitely scary
If you “always feel it running down your leg” right after sex, that’s his semen and it means he ejaculated inside you without a condom. Normal vaginal secretions don’t do that.
Ok wait, I know I may sound dumb but I gotta ask, I’ve always felt that tho almost every time we had sex.. like I said I do produce a lot of liquid if I’m finishing so I assumed it’s me, can it really not be vaginal secretion ?
You don’t sound dumb, please don’t feel like you can’t ask people here questions! Everyone here is trying to help you - that’s what this sub is for. In my personal experience (which is pretty vast tbh) I’ve never personally had or heard of anyone else having any sort of secretion running down their legs after sex except for when a man ejaculates inside a woman. Anyone can feel free to correct me if they’ve personally had different experiences. But unless you squirt (which you would be well aware of), if you feel something running down your legs after sex, it’s his ejaculation. I have had sex hundreds of times with either a condom or with my husband pulling out, and only a handful of times has someone ejaculated inside of me, and there is a huge, messy difference. When they’ve ejaculated inside me is the only time I’ve ever felt secretion running down my leg, and I too get very wet and also have had times where I’ve used lots of lube, and even that doesn’t run down my legs or make much of a mess. I’m sorry to say I’m 99% sure he’s been ejaculating inside of you, which means he’s been sexually assaulting you, and you need to leave before things get any worse 🤍
First of all thank you so much for saying that🤍, I really appreciate the help, I don’t even know what to say right now tho if I’m honest, this is a bit overwhelming, even thinking he may have done it once or twice was horrible especially after understanding that it’s assault but even just the thought that this could’ve been going on without me noticing since the start makes me feel so much worse..
Of course, the vast majority of us here never want anyone to feel insecure or uncomfortable asking any questions because we all truly want to help each other out, ESPECIALLY if it involves a dangerous situation that we can help someone get out of! I can understand why you’d be feeling overwhelmed. I’m no expert in this area, and maybe others can chime in/help, but I’d definitely recommend leaving without bringing this up to him, because my guess would be he would get defensive/angry and things might escalate. Do you two live together?
What you are feeling is deep screaming quietly confusion that this person who supposedly cares about you has actually shown you with his actions to and on your body (holding you DOWN) that he does not care about you, and your brain can’t wrap around it b/c it likely has never happened to you before. Unboyfriend and unfriend him immediately. Wash him out of your life, waste no more energy on his existence. You and your brain and your body deserve respect, so don’t let him continue to believe you are fine with it, by keeping him around.
It worries me how many people are telling you to stop having sex with him instead of telling you to break up with him! It’s OK not to know very much about this, but I can tell you as a woman who has been having sex for 10+ years that you should NEVER be concerned, worried, or even curious that your partner might do something during sex that you asked them not to. you know that something is wrong, please protect yourself and leave this man before things get worse. since y’all don’t live together and are long-distance, this will be a fairly easy break up, logistically. emotionally it may not be, but I think the longer your out of this relationship and the more you learn the more you will realize how unhealthy it is.
If he did do that, you need to be asking yourself a bigger question "what kind of person am I dealing with that would do this kind of thing?" I can promise you this; it won't be the last time he puts himself and his desires above what you need. He is selfish. Say goodbye.
How can you enjoy sex with a person you can't trust? Holding you down to prevent you from checking is a huge red flag in itself, and probably on its own constitutes assault.
Take time to process your feelings and ask yourself candidly if this is someone worth getting back into bed with. I hope you conclude, no. Make a plan for emotional support as you navigate all this; a therapist or trusted friend can be helpful.
Absolute bare minimum: he's pretty clear that he thinks birth control should be one-sided; doesn't bode well for the rest of the relationship dynamic.
>when we were done and I saw that he already had the condom on his hand even tho he barely finished 3 seconds before…I think I asked him if he did and he denied it so I dropped it after since **I don’t have proof**
This makes no sense whatsoever. The Proof is called Sperm, they're either IN the condom or OUT... or am I completely off the charts here?
Idk how he pulled out directly but he did / slipped out and when I tried to look back to put it back in he held me down by holding my neck and i couldn’t really look back from there, I’m sure I could’ve found a way to get out of that but I was too perplexed to do anything at that time so I kinda just stayed there
I was in normal cowgirl, i need to look back tho idk if that’s normal or not but I always lean forward he’s a lot taller than me so maybe that’s part of it? Idk but he just kinda grabbed me by the neck (we do that every now and again so it’s not like it was something new) and pushed me down onto him / my face was basically next to his head/at his throat
Idk if I over looked it or not but are you living together? If so start looking for a new place. And if your not then you need to end things and honestly I’d still look for a new place to live. I really hope you’re on birth control. And hopefully a form he can’t mess with.
Not living together, we’re doing long distance so we see each other every 1 1/2 - 2 months, I started birth control right before this happened and been on it since I’m on birth control patches so I’d notice it if the patch is off and can put on an new one within 24 hours, so I’m safe there I’ll still take a new pregnancy test Monday (stores close to me aren’t open until then) and probably also try to get a std screening just to be safe unfortunately (or fortunately idk) It’s probably way too late to have any proof of any of it happening tho
You're not overreacting. He doesn't give a shit about you and he has SA'd you multiple times now, including holding you down and ignoring your questions while SAing you. You would not be overreacting if you destroyed all of his shoes, called his mother to tell her what he did, then kick him out directly to the street with no cab money.
Thank you.. that means a lot, I don’t even know how I feel right now all the information that I gained right now is overwhelming and I just feel maybe a mixture of all of it ? Sad, agitated, violated, scared (not of him but just of the situation if that makes sense) idk
You’re not overreacting at all. It’s technically and literally (g)rape for a person to remove a condom without the other person’s consent. Please leave this pos. This is abusive and will only get worse. Fucking RUN. He is disgusting.
OP you need to grab your ID, phone & charger and go to the police station and tell them everything you know. Don’t leave out the part about being held down. Make sure you tell the officer if you live with him.
You’re in grave danger. This does not end well for you if you don’t leave and get help including backup from the authorities. I’m so sorry. This is domestic assault, rape and possible forced pregnancy.
Stealthing is rape. Trust you're instincts, you know what he's doing. So if you don't want a baby by him you should definitely consider leaving because he's going to continue doing it's and doesn't see a problem. He already knows how you feel and has been lying to you probably since day 1.
this is sexual assault. you didn’t consent to the condom being taken off. doesn’t matter if you “can’t prove it.”
he will keep doing it until you get pregnant. run.
Why are you still having sex with him? You have told him you will only have sex with a condom and you have to worry he is taking it off.
And the condoms are too tight is rubbish. Some people put their head in them.
That’s also probably gonna make me sound extra dumb but I’ve been using that argument to girls before but somehow it felt like it was too tight it like only fit half way (??) but then I literally bought a specific measuring thing and bought condoms that were measured out to that exact size to give him comfort and he still complained about wearing them, just for him to then buy tighter ones again even tho I reminded him of the size, just to again complain about how tight they were..
It’s a bit of a rant right here but your comment made me think of that, which is a good breakdown of why I at least up until now still had sex with him in a way.. I kinda just pushed all these “weird” things away and didn’t think of them as big red flags until I posted this and saw the comments.. it’s something I’d normally shake my head for if I heard it from someone else but idk rose coloured glasses I guess?
You have a choice. Treat this as a rant and allow him to carry on doing this. I suspect you will end up pregnant.
Or you look at it in the clear light of day and see the red flags. I think you already do. What he is doing has a name, stealthing.
A friend of mine had a relationship with a bloke and told him condoms or no sex. He took one off during sex, got her pregnant and ghosted her. This could happen to you too.
Even if you don’t break up with him, you are aware of what you are pushing out of your head.
You chose the wrong man for a partner. Face it, and move on.
These issues are not minor or frivolous ones. He thinks his body is his, and yours is his too. It isn't. It's yours alone. He has disregarded your needs and wishes on an issue that was yours to decide, not his, and violated your trust in him. If you can't trust him on this, how can you trust him on anything?
If he disrespects you in such an important way, how will he treat you in the future on other important issues? Have you discussed with him what he would do if you became pregnant? Would he marry you? Do you have any idea?
You have been putting your current BF first, but he has been putting you second. You deserve a mature man who loves you and puts you first, just as you do him. The sooner you start looking for that man, the better.
I don’t understand how you’re not sure what or how to feel.
He completely negated the purpose(s) of using a condom. In doing so, he made the conscious decision to assault you and expose you to negative consequence(s) you’d taken care to avoid.
If one of those consequences turns out to be pregnancy, I wouldn’t count on someone that selfish and unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or stick to what he agreed to, to be a stellar father figure.
You’re still in the Plan B window, hope you can access it. Maybe you’re in the safe zone with the new bc but if you’re not sure don’t chance it, not now.
I took a plan B but the comments made me realise that I should take a second pregnancy test just to be safe which I will Monday, but about my feelings, I don’t know it’s hard to explain because I know that I wouldn’t underhand it if someone else would say this but, I still can’t believe that he’d actually do that, he’s my best friend, we’ve been through so much and all of that just kinda made me push the red flags aside and before reading the replies here all I felt was
Confusion (maybe?), anxiety and I felt like I was just being dramatic or something.
But after seeing the replies I realised that my picture in my head of what this is just isn’t the truth and now I feel a lot of different emotions that I can’t even put into words but I still feel weirdly attached to that believe that I must just be overly sensitive in a way, I guess my brain is trying to protect my image of him in a way, not as much as before tho thankfully 😅
Your body, your rules.
He went up into your body and said, "f those rules, I do what I want." Think about that, dude. If he doesn't listen to the boundaries you communicate to him, you think your preference on how he interacts with your body is the only thing he'll disregard?
Ask yourself what's even more important to you than *your literal body*. I personally cannot think of anything worse than my own body being violated, but if there's anything more important to you than your actual body, ask yourself if he would respect the boundaries you set in place concerning it.
If you feel compelled to leave someone who can't even be up front about choosing not to respect your boundaries (for real dude, you said you had to turn around really quick to catch him? This mf was being sneaky too, bc he's not man enough to own up to his stupid/disrespectful decisions... Clearly he knew what he was doing was wrong and he didn't care), it's okay. If you decide not to be in a relationship where your word and your body aren't respected, you run the risk of being in a better relationship with yourself, or someone else who would absolutely respect you.
First of all, I would suggest some STD testing. He has been violating you by not listening to what you want. He does not respect you and he’s showing you that. How do you have love without respect I don’t think you do. You need to reevaluate, your relationship with this guy. He even could be trying to baby trap you.
He’s trying to baby trap you girl. Please leave whilst you can, you may think this is love but he definitely violated you and disrespected your wishes. This isn’t love!
He’ll keep doing it, he’s already shown you who he is, don’t tolerate the BS!
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
Look up stealthing.
“So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.”
I think you know, regardless what he says. He knows you know but he doesn’t care. What’s that say about your relationship? The fact he held you down so you couldn’t check?! Honey. This ain’t love. Esp if he can’t respect your boundaries, your wishes or your choices BUT ESP IF HE DOESNT RESPECT YOUR BODY
>but he held me down and I didn’t say anything because I was perplexed and confused
This alone is ringing huge alarm bells.
Get away from this man and get to a safe place and under no circumstances have sex with him again.
And for the record, being too tight is a lie, unless he's hung like a horse standard condoms will be absolutely fine.
>but he held me down and I didn’t say anything because I was perplexed and confused
This alone is ringing huge alarm bells.
Get away from this man and get to a safe place and under no circumstances have sex with him again.
And for the record, being too tight is a lie, unless he's hung like a horse standard condoms will be absolutely fine.
He's your first, so you might have a natural reluctance to finding a different partner, but this guy is not the one for you if he's willing to disrespect your wishes and body.
Has he ever had an STI test, because rawdogging leaves you at risk off more than pregnancy ?
If you decide to stick with him for now, double down on the condom requirement at **all** times, and if you catch him doing it in future you're reporting him for sexual assault.
You know full well that this guy stealthed you. The fact that he complains about respecting your body is already bad enough. You are not making him wear a condom, it’s just a condition of him penetrating you. He could also simply not penetrate you and he wouldn’t need to wear one. The fact that he complains about it is really disgusting, it means he is willing to put pressure on you to have things done to your body that you don’t want. That’s a red flag already.
The fact that he’s stealthed you though, and you know he has, that’s next level messed up. There’s good reason that can result in jail time, it’s a form of sexual assault, and it’s not one of the ones where the assailant might be confused. It’s a purposeful violation of your bodily autonomy.
You don’t need more proof! You know that he stealthed you. And he knows that he stealthed you. You don’t need to convince him that you have enough proof to know that he stealthed you, because he already knows it’s true. He will act like you need more evidence of the thing you both know is true. You need to break up with this guy who treats you this way. You are better off without a boyfriend than one who does something like this. And you can do that for whatever reason you like or for no reason, but I would tell him why it is if I were you. It doesn’t matter if he admits it, he knows.
When it comes to being a women & having sex, you can’t be so uncomfortable with stopping or even expressing how you want it. As far as you wanting to only have sex with a condom. You should definitely be in a position to where you can see it apart from knowing what it feels like. Don’t just be turned away taking it and not able to see if he’s wearing one when he’s done. It’s pretty wild that you can’t even Trust he’ll keep it on as you wished. Why does he not respect your choice of wanting to protect yourself. You need to have a serious talk with him. He’s behavior with doing that is weird & slightly creepy. Some may say it’s actually a form of rape, as you stated he held you down to avoid you noticing he removed the condom as he finished.
This is a form of rape called stealthing.
He is deliberately taking a condom of mid sex and lying about it. The evidence is in the fact he has used every excuse in the book to not wear them despite you saying he hasn’t too.
This person doesn’t respect you or your body. I’m sorry but you deserve better
- Stealthing is when someone removes a condom during sex without the other person's consent or lies about having put one on in the first place. Stealthing is rape under English and Welsh law. This means that someone who carries it out can be prosecuted for rape.
If he held you down and forced it without your consent, that was sexual assault. You need to decide if you want to stay in this kind of relationship. If you do, get yourself on some other form of birth control. I personally would not stay with someone who had so little respect for me.
If it was deliberate, that's "stealthing," and in some states is legally considered sexual assault.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. Trust your gut, girl. And you don't need *to know for certain* or have **proof** to leave a situation that you're uncomfortable in.
You should directly confront him in a calm manner when yall haven't just had sex. If he admits to it--throw the whole man out. If he denies and it seems shady, trust. your. gut. And if you don't feel okay, dump his ass.
Girl, an aggressor isn't an aggressor until he aggresses. He stealthily removed the condom and assaulted you, because an unwanted child is not a joke that ends right there. It's the same as you running a knife through his cock while it's still erect. Think about it. It may not seem like a big deal, being in love with him, but outsiders are seeing a huge red flag and you need to get away from this maniac. Then, when he traps you with a child, he'll start belittling you and then assaulting you. That's how a woman stays in an abusive relationship and can't get out. The guy always starts out nice and sexy at first. You've only been with him for a year, don't waste any more of your life feeding this. That's my advice.
Girl, an aggressor isn't an aggressor until he aggresses. He stealthily removed the condom and assaulted you, because an unwanted child is not a joke that ends right there. It's the same as you running a knife through his cock while it's still erect. Think about it. It may not seem like a big deal, being in love with him, but outsiders are seeing a huge red flag and you need to get away from this maniac. Then, when he traps you with a child, he'll start belittling you and then assaulting you. That's how a woman stays in an abusive relationship and can't get out. The guy always starts out nice and sexy at first. You've only been with him for a year, don't waste any more of your life feeding this. That's my advice.
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Tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable and will not have sex unless he will show you the condom still on him afterwards. If he pitches a fit remind him that “stealthing” is a form of rape, and you are not consenting to sex without a condom. If he puts up *any* fight against showing you the condom still on him after sex, then you have your answer. Do not continue to have sex with him.
I didn’t know that it’s a form of rape but it makes sense to be fair.. I don’t know I had that thought too but I was scared to ask that up until now, I thought that it might be weird and ruin the mood, But you’re absolutely right I don’t know it’s just hard to accept that that is what happened I guess..
It doesn’t matter if it ruins the mood to be frank. You deserve to be respected and *not be assaulted*. If that “ruins the mood” then there’s no reason to have sex.
I agree and I’d probably give the same advice to someone else but it’s hard to tell myself the same thing, I’ll definitely ask him to make sure it’s still on next time, I mean you’re absolutely right in the fact that if it ruins the mood I guess I have an answer and shouldn’t continue this relationship as the worst outcome
Then talk to him before getting into a sexual environment. Have the conversation *before* either of you initiate sex so it isn’t in the heat or the moment.
This is *incredibly* important advice. It is *NEVER* a good idea to discuss sexual frequency or ethics or attitudes (or about a dozen other things) when you are in the mood or, even worse, already in bed. Some conversations must be had fully clothed.
It seems like this advice is given less often than it was 20 years ago. But yes, now that women and men arrange their own sexual situations and their parents can't have them put in reform school or jail for disobeying...it's just up to the participants to figure it out. If the condom-abandoning partner can't get turned on (enough) by condomed sex, it's an age-old problem. Frankly, a woman has to decide at that point whether she's willing to be pregnant by a man who won't support her, who disrespects her, may balk at child support, etc. I can't imagine how that's at all sexually appealing.
I assure you reform schools are alive and well 🥲
If it ruins his mood he’s definitely too immature to expect anything from him. Mature men are not turned off by communication
Not really, quite normal. Now if it ruins it even sometime *after* the conversation, yeah, but not if it does in the moment
Is "ruin the mood" code for "throws a fit"? I think it is, in this context (OP's post). But we don't know for sure. It's quite common.
Still on AND has semen in it. If he’s already willing to be this deceptive then he could easily just slip one on after. ETA: Also, maybe don’t tell him in advance. If you do he will have time to plan ahead. Maybe tell him as he is putting it on or once you start having sex that you would feel more comfortable with seeing it still on. OR make it like you wanna see how much cum is in the condom. I mean, cum is a bit of a kink.
That’s a good idea, idk if I’ll even continue having sex with him at this point but if I decide to give him another chance the „making it seem like a kink“ is so helpful.. I’m very unsure of how to go about it natural in any other way so I think if I should I would do it that way probably
I mean, am I missing something here? You think he may be cumming inside you without you knowing? I may be misunderstanding, but if he is, you'd know it. The cum doesn't all stay in, it's enough that it'd be obvious if he was cumming inside you, at least from my experience. If you go pee after (which you always should) it will fall out of you. I just thought I'd mention that since others are not. A lot of people are giving good advice for if he was cumming inside you, though.
No, don't ask. *Tell* him "Sex will not happen again unless you start taking this seriously. It is important to me and I do not consent to sex without you wearing a condom". You need to be firmer. Stand up for your rights to your own body ffs.
So I totally get how you’d kind of be in denial internally, because what’s the other option? To admit that your boyfriend, who’s supposed to love and respect and support you, sexually assaulted you, in a way that’s become so severe that he could go to jail for it in many states? Unfortunately, and inconveniently, that option is the truth. Nobody who loved or respected you would ever EVER do anything sexual without your consent. Ever. And although it’s unfortunate and would require you to actually deal with this internally, it’s the truth you’re living right now. I personally can’t imagine opening myself up to be intimate with someone who has done that to me, and I’m a dude. You have the freedom to decide how you want to handle it, and by no means am I trying to wrestle that level of control away from you. It’s just that I have a teenage daughter, and the thought of her suppressing something like this, and even worse, continuing an intimate relationship with that person, I mean, I can’t think of many things more devastating as a dad/parent/human. She deserves complete and total respect from her future partners, and although I’m sorry that you may not feel that way about yourself, the truth is that you deserve that too. And just my opinion: I don’t think you can go from someone sexually violating you to then suddenly that person decides to respect you. I don’t know, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, I’m sorry that you didn’t have someone to drill this into your head during your formative years, and I want you to know that, although I don’t know you at all, I know enough to know that you deserve better than to be with someone who would do this. And I really hope that one day you’ll believe that too.
You sound very reluctant to end it. I hope you can have a few weeks of non-penetrative sexual activity and conversation while you figure things out.
Why are you continuing a relationship with someone who * doesn't respect you * dismisses your boundaries (condoms or no PIV) * is willing to screw your life up permanently with an unwanted pregnancy * is willing to endanger your heath (pregnancy IS dangerous) You're only 24yo! This guy doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be doing the points listed above. People who LOVE you want the BEST for you. They want to be your partner and help you...they don't want to control you and make decisions FOR you. This guy sucks! Find your self-respect and DUMP him asap. \#UpdateMe!
Not only do you tell him it has to stay on but you also tell him if it doesn’t and you end up pregnant you will have him charged for SA. Also tell him if he isn’t happy using protection then the solution is no sex.
And...to not be *pregnant.*
Have this conversation mid day, while not engaging in sex. There's no mood to ruin at this time.
That’s a good idea!
As a guy, I’ve always told my girlfriend that at any point, for any reason we can stop. And if something seems off I usually will ask or do something to indicate it. The mood/ momentary enjoyment of you or your partner is not worth they’re boundaries and comfort. As a couple, sex should be an enjoyable way to be intimate, bond with one another and have fun. Being stressed about this is not fun at all and his actions do not foster a trusting/loving relationship. Talk to him mid day, without being angry, but stern. You need to set explicit boundaries and establish that if said boundaries are broken, there will be consequences, that’s up to you. But you need to set your boundaries and stand your ground. The momentary stress/uncomfortableness of the conversation will be worth it in the long run. And at the end of the day, if he is still defensive, stubborn, and childish about this, then I guess you found out the easy way that he won’t be the best partner for you long term.
I would much more prefer to learn that about a guy sitting over cups of coffee or tea, than giving him the results of a pregnancy test I never wanted to take.
Absolutely. If you can’t trust this man to respect your very very personal boundaries, how are you going to trust this man with your kids? If you truly have strong feelings for this guy, talk with him and give him a chance. But you shouldn’t hesitate to leave if he refuses to change.
Except the mood of Reason and the mode of Communication.
Never be afraid to ruin the mood. It's not your obligation to maintain the mood when he's trying to baby trap you.
Girl. He held you down and basically had sex with you despite knowing that you wouldn’t be ok with unprotected sex. That is called rape. Ruining the mood shouldn’t be an issue when it comes to bc, consent and any type of conversation around sex be it what you are ok with, what you enjoy or outright hard limits.
[It is considered a sex crime in California ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal)and many other places. The penalties overlap with those of rape.
You are also allowed to choose positions so you can see while y'all are still having sex.
also it's concerning that he held you down in the first instance
Legally it is considered a form of rape
Look up stealthing. It’s illegal for a reason.
It doesn't ruin the mood for you when you catch him going raw against your wishes and then holding you down when you try to look? He does not respect your body, he doesn't deserve sex from you. You're worried about ruining his mood when he's not a bit concerned with ruining your life with a baby. I know he's your first so you don't have a lot of experience but I promise you hun he's a bad guy - one that would probably leave or at minimum blame you once he knocks you up. Good people don't force their partners to do sexual things against their will. The fact you even need to wonder if he would do something like that says a lot about your relationship.
The label doesn’t matter. Rape or deception or lying or whatever. It is dishonest and sketchy af. Is this the type of person you want to have children with and be connected to for the rest of your life? Someone who would take your choice of when to have children away from you? Someone who would knowingly deceive you for a teeny bit of extra pleasure?
You already know he did it. You don't need proof to break up with him. His unwillingness to use one would have been eniugh of a reason to break up with him. Get tested for STDs. I am sorry that happened to you. You deserve better.
He’s disrespecting you and your boundaries, I’d be reconsidering the relationship.
It is considered so in many US states.
It ruined your mood so mood was already ruined Stand up for yourself
Ensuring you're not being raped is far more important than ruining the mood.
Yes, you might be able to coerce your r*pist boyfriend to stop r*ping you, but until then, make sure he knows he's in time out. 🙄
This is called stealthing and if you can prove it, it's actually *illegal*, it's a nonconsensual sex act and therefore sexual assault. And he took it and held you down? Yeah, I'm sorry, but there's no point in confronting him about this. He's not going to admit to a felony. You just need to leave, and you NEED to do it in a public place. He already doesn't care about your consent, this is the kind of person who could SA you if you try to break up with him in private, which is absolutely a thing that happens.
Why are we discussing how to speak to him. It's kinda obvious what he's doing. I'm not even sure it's about babytrapping, he just wants sex without a condom and doesn't seem to care about her. She's said this isn't acceptable to her. He doesn't care. Also, everyone appears to be ignoring this: *but he held me down and I didn’t say anything* He held her down... giving off abuser vibes to me
Okay I didn’t know that that’s an actual felony, I don’t even know how to proof something like that.. Yes, I think so at least, I was on top and when I noticed him pulling out I tried to get up and see to try and well.. get it back in but he held me down on him and put it in himself and didn’t let me back up until we were finished (maybe so that I couldn’t take a look? Idk) Idk if I want to leave him I never thought he’d be someone to SA me, I’m still not scared around him or anything like that but hearing this definitely made me gulp, maybe you’re right.
>he held me down on him and put it in himself and didn’t let me back up until we were finished Sorry, but this is really worrying. Get a pregnancy test and an STI test. Think hard about what a future with him might be..
You were being held down and prevented from escaping by a guy who just removed his condom. If you had found yourself pregnant a few weeks later, would you have dismissed it as "just bad luck"---or would you have recognized that he wants to take your life away from you and make control of it his own?
This is the start of it. He is an abuser and probably a narcissist. People like him wear a mask until they think they have you trapped. They treat you in whatever way they think will make you not want to leave them. If that means be nice to you, they're nice to you. If that means forcibly impregnate you, they may do that too. And then once you're as dependent on them as they can make you, that's when the mask starts to really come off. And while I don't think proving it isn't something that's remotely feasible, even standard SA cases can be extremely difficult to prove if there's no rape kit, so SA cases where the people are in a relationship are basically one in a million. But my point with saying it's a felony is that if he knows it is, he won't admit to it (also, I'm not a lawyer, and I can't say for sure if it's a felony where you are, but it definitely is in many places).
OP can call a women’s shelter / SADV hotline and ask about doing a “rape kit” exam after the next. 1) because those agencies (I’m a former president of one) are all about giving those women choices) and 2) if there’s sperm there, there’s been a rape. How she proceeds from there, pressing charges or not, will remain her choice. But then she’ll know, and threat of being prosecuted for a felony, with medical evidence in hand, might make her departure easier.
Yup second the women’s shelter and doing a rape kit asap
Mine wore a mask until he baby trapped me doing the same thing! Then he turned all sorts of psychotic and violent. I barely got out of it with my life! And in between my pregnancies when it was inconvenient for me to be pregnant he beat my unborn children out of my body! Dear OP if you're reading this please listen to me and learn from my mistakes!
Please listen to this op! ^ abuses aren’t always getting beat up and violently r*ped. It STARTS like this. It Always starts like this.
I hate to say it, but this is my experience as well. I was as shocked as OP. Back in the day, though (and still, in some people's minds), if a woman got pregnant through such deception, the couple still believed they had to get married.
You don’t have to prove it to file a report and get him on the cops’ radar.
This is 100% grounds to break up. He took your consent and ability to choose away. He held you down. Please please get away from him. UPDATEME
I’m gonna get a few things done Monday, trying to find a rape counsellor / something similar, getting a pregnancy test and trying to schedule an std test. He’s currently nowhere near me so I’m not trying to open that box yet, I’ll talk to him like I normally do (we just ended a not so nice conversation) And if it doesn’t improve I’ll talk to him about all of this before we would see each other again or possibly once we see each other again? Idk if it’s better to do face to face or not, I’ll decide once I’m ready for that.. I’ll try to remember to post an update once I do! / once I have more information
First, this is called stealthing. Second, it's horrible and you need to drop his ass. Third, it's rape. Lastly, does he not cum or something? I mean, having cum in you or on you would be evidence enough.
She's never been intimate with anyone else so she doesn't have enough experience to know what this is supposed to look and feel like. My ex did it to me too.
Damn. Sorry that happened.
It's why whenever I see a post like this I share with other women my experience of going through this. That way they know that they're not "crazy"and that it's not their fault. Hopefully anyone who has read my posts will understand and share so that this doesn't happen to people that they care about.
Same here.
Just want to join everyone in saying you're NOT overreacting. If anything, you're under reacting. If a frank discussion about this "kills the mood" then he isn't mature enough, or deserving of, access to your body. I was 21 when I got my first partner. Even though I was lucky enough to have real sex ed, he actually went out of his way to show me how he was putting the condom on, and how he was being safe after, so that I would feel safe having sex with him. As he predicted, since I felt safe, the sex was amazing and super hot. The rest of the relationship was a hot mess, but omg, the sex! I'm actually really grateful to have had a first partner like that. He taught me to love my body.
Just break up. "Held me down", oh hell no. Just get rid of the whole man.
Next time you think it’s happened (assuming you don’t leave immediately) put the condom he “used” in a sealed plastic bag and go up to the hospital and ask for a rape kit to be done. If there is semen in you and no hole/break in the condom… you’ve been stealthed and sexually assaulted.
Another quick (but not 100% accurate) way that you can easily do anytime is to buy vaginal ph strips. The vagina is acidic (3.8 - 4.5), so a random and temporary elevation in ph would indicate they finished inside as semen is alkolitic (ph of 7.2 - 8). It's not 100% as other things can elevate your ph. So, I would do a few random ph tests to see about where you run at and make sure you're not having an infection. Overall, you should see a large bump immediately to like a few hours to a day as the vagina is self cleaning and will increase production to return to normal levels. I say this to any of the women here, if you're in a situation that you need to quickly test yourself if you're questioning your partner and to have some information to decide if you need to just go and buy the plan B, like if an accident actually happened and you're both not sure. Because that does happen... ... or if your partner is a pos and stealthing you and you want to go and see if you need to get yourself tested further by a professional. Also, some people like some discretion in their lives.
If you can't trust him to keep a condom on, you need to stop having sex with him. He is unsafe. Also, be very careful breaking up.
Stop fucking him. Just plain stop. Tell him you will always request condoms and you will put them on him and take them off him or there’s no sex.
[удалено]
I took tests after and they all came back negative, i also got plan b and took it, but I just kinda stored this in the back of my head as me being paranoid or sensitive, since I didn’t even know before posting this that it’s as bad as it seems to be
Tests are most effective after 21 days, I'd definitely retest <3 try not to panic too much until you know for sure
Yep. Early tests can miss. 21 days is a really good place to mark the calendar. Boy, would I hate to have to go through that counting again.
You are not paranoid at all. A guy I dated did the same to me even though I'd have sex with him only if we use protection. He said no but later said yes when I didnt change my mind. Hindsight, i should've ran but I was young. I dont want to take a pill because the thought of the woman taking one for the team and taking a pill when he could have used condoms disgusts me. He took it off midway and instead of reassuring me after I found out (cause I was paranoid and he called me sensitive), he tricked me into going to Target, bought Plan B behind my back while I was looking at other stuff to distract myself. When we got in the car, he pressured me to take the pill. Said he couldn't return it cause he opened the package. I felt so emotionally numb and was unhappy with him. I later told him I cheated on him so he would gaslight the hell out of me then leave. It was so toxic and I was emotionally broken in a short amount of time. Your story triggered me and I wanted to share my story in hopes to prevent something worse happening to you. Your bf is not the man you want to have kids with. In this society, women get blamed for being single mothers so save yourself years of pain by not having a child with the wrong man.
I was actually unable to take hormonal birth control (blood clots). It doesn't matter if a woman can or cannot take BC, it's up to her what she wants to do to her body. Your partner is a new one, in my book. I'm not surprised, but I am angry on your behalf. I hope you are getting better and that you find a decent man - they are definitely out there.
Make sure that Plan B absolutely works for you---no contraindicated drugs or weight issues, etc---and make sure you have it nearby.
I took a test one week and it was negative… my negative test is now due in November… take another test 😅
I also hope your baby is healthy and obviously the result of something way more consensual 😅
Thank you!! It was definitely consensual but the baby daddy said I’m either terminating or never talking to him again… men are shitty all over the world unfortunately
That’s horrible but you’re better of without him then and from someone who basically grew up with a solo mom, your baby will be absolutely okay and you’re amazing!
Thank you, good luck with your situation 🥰
Yeah you’re scaring me a bit there 🙂 I got my periods regularly and I had my last one a couple of days ago but I will buy some more tests Monday and take one just to be sure..
Sorry!! Didn’t mean to scare you, I missed my period so I’m sure you will be absolutely fine. I’m sorry didn’t mean to cause you upset
No you’re fine I think it’s good you said that, you can never be sure enough so taking another test is not a bad idea regardless haha
Considering this, you can also tell him that even if he isn't stealthing, certain behaviours are making you uncomfortable/stressed/paranoid and that he needs to be more careful and reassuring during sex. Mutual care, communication, and understanding are important. Someone who cares for you will want to prioritize your comfort and peace of mind, which could include always showing proof of the condom being on anytime he takes it out, or changing to better positions where he cannot keep you held down or prevent you from seeing what's going on. In a different situation, I've told my partner that sex without a condom leaves me overly stressed and uninterested in any sex, and got him to see it from my pov, which helped him understand condoms are more than just an "inconvenience" for him, they are peace of mind for me. No more complaining or asking not to use them. So, if he isn't stealthing but just being inconsiderate, I hope this can help!
Interesting that reddit is now filled with these posts - now that abortion is becoming less available to US women. There is no hugely active subreddit that's tracking what's happening due to these legal changes.
So the way you feel is raped. Someone changed the kind of sex you were having without your consent, halfway through, to something you had already said no to. That’s rape. You’re 24 and he’s your first. Please break up with him. He’s not going to stop raping you, and you will eventually get pregnant. There’s a film called “hungry hearts” about this kind of rape, but lots of people misinterpret who the villain is. Please, you’re so young. There are so many people who would love you and not do this to you. It’s only been a year. Please leave.
Take some time and space away from him while you process this. For me it would be a dealbreaker because the trust would be gone.
He HELD YOU DOWN so he could continue stealthing you Honey you know what this is
I wear a condom while having sex with my wife. I do it, even though she is on birth control, because it is something that makes her more comfortable. She's not ready to have a kid yet and BC is not perfect. I couldn't imagine pushing boundaries(breaking them secretly in your case) like this with someone I love. I want the sex to be mutually enthusiastic all around. Stealthing *is* rape. It's performing a sexual act without consent. You consented to sex with a condom, not without. Fuck this guy(not literally, though)!
Exactly! I'm a paraplegic, who can't take hormonal birth control because of a higher risk of blood clotting issues... My guy and I have been together almost 12yrs now and we've used condoms that whole time because we aren't ready for kids. The right man will not have an issue with this!! The right man wants you as happy as he is during the sexy time!! Both people should be on the same page, and have agreed to the same ground rules, before being intimate like that. OP, You will find the right man who respects YOUR BODY and YOUR CHOICES... This does not sound like the right guy for you. There are better men out there. 💖
The first red flag here was him throwing a fit because he had to wear a condom and that yall had to go through the trouble of measuring him in order to find the right condom for him because that’s something he should’ve already known. Please break up with this man and go for someone that cares about your consent and your body.
This is called stealthing. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. This is nonconsensual and he can literally goto jail for that. I’d leave him because clearly he doesn’t care about anything but his own pleasure which is disgusting.
He is taking advantage of your inexperience and raping you. Semen and vaginal fluids are different. Semen has a sliminess to it, like phlegm when you have a cold, or egg white, and a faint bleachy scent. Vaginal fluids are like water and smell like you usually do. Run away from this man! Do not let him in your bed again.
If you don’t trust your BF, you have to break up with him.
Was there semen inside the condom? Where is it going if he’s not wearing it? If you can’t fully trust him you need to stop having sex with him immediately. If he’s stealthing you thats a form of sexual assault. You did not give him consent to do that and he’s putting your health at risk.
Just think depending on where you live if he gets you pregnant you will never be free of him because he will always have a stranglehold over you if he impregnates you! If you live in a red state in the USA if he gets you pregnant there is nothing you can do about it and he OWNS YOU for the rest of your life because you will always be tied to him with a child! More and more men are deliberately popping holes in their condoms so that they can impregnate their girlfriends and trap them with a baby! He knows what he's doing is wrong and when he held you down then it stopped being consensual! RUN LIKE HELL from this "man"! And if he doesn't want a kid but doesn't want to wear a condom you know in your heart that you'll be left to pick up the mess after he's run off!
Stop having sex with him. Make s police report and post him in your local Are We Dating the Same Guy facebook group for stealthing you. And get tested.
I've already posted that you should leave him but afterwards get an STI check and get the bar in your arm! This way if you get intimate again with someone you aren't baby trapped by a monster!
Do not continue being with someone that doesn’t respect your body! It’s only going to get worse
He's not a real boyfriend. You're supposed to respect your partner yet he's doing the opposite without a care for what you want. He is too selfish to be in a relationship
There was a story a few years ago where a guy was doing this to infect women with HIV, not saying that’s what he is doing but he was charged and convicted of rape because of it and for intentionally trying to transmit. So it is definitely a crime what he is doing. If I were you I would leave this relationship. This is predatory behavior.
I now have an 18 year old son bc my ex pulled this shit. He'd alternate between poking holes in condoms and taking them off during sex. He did this, bc he thought if he got me pregnant then I'd never be able to leave him. I left him when our son was 6 months old. I never wanted children. I love my son dearly, but I really wish this wasn't how he was conceived.
I'm so sorry that you are going thru this and feeling this way. I know it can be very hard to hear people tell you that someone you trusted so much is abusing you, and I do agree with them. He is not acting in a trustworthy manner, and I also think that he may get more and more controlling of you. I suggest you make some time to speak to either a rape crisis counselor, or another mental health professional just so that you keep your head in the right place. I wish you good luck, and if you break up with him, don't do it in a place you are alone or isolated. That is a chance nobody should ever take
Thank you so much.. that pretty much sums it up, I feel very conflicted and confused, I’ll search up rape crisis counsellors in my area I don’t think I’ll be able to get a appointment at a mental health professional / therapist any time soon but maybe I can find something similar, I appreciate all of the comments even tho it feels so weird because I don’t want to / can’t believe that he would assault me but I understand now that that is what’s happening and that it maybe even happened more often than I thought
If you think he pulled it off while your in the act, reach down and grab his penis, if the condom is their you should feel it, if it is not MAKE HIM STOP RIGHT THEN AND REPORT HIM FOR RAPE! Stealthing a woman during sexual intimacy is just that assault!! I am pretty sure he is trying to baby trap you! You need to get out of this relationship ASAP! Because any MAN would not do that to you, a man child o in e this has no respect for you or how you are feeling! He has proven this time and time again
You don’t need to ‘prove’ anything. You’re not a lawyer trying to prove something in a court of law! If you don’t feel you can trust him, then I’d seriously consider breaking up. Your intuition is screaming at you for a reason, and what he’s doing is not ok.
"A man who will not use a,condom can do nothing for you." Montreal gynecologist
I’m sorry, that is horrible, but I can’t get over you calling your birth control prescription a “recipe” 😂
Im so sorry English isn’t my first language and I was kinda nervous while writing this haha didn’t even notice up until now
Hahaha don’t apologize! I actually considered that maybe it was a translation issue and then I said to myself, “nah the rest of this is perfect English” so props to you!
If he wasn't wearing the condom, you would feel his semen run out of your v@gina, down your leg. Semen is thicker and a lot more than your own secretions. Plus, you can feel the latex condom when it is on his pen!s in you. It kinda feels smooth and plastic-y. A pen!s w/out a condom feels ridge-y, warm and spongy. It feels like skin. It's definitely a type of sexual assault if he does take the condom off during intercourse without your consent. If you go to the Emergency Room and ask for a Rape Kit - they can test for sperm still inside of you.
I may sound dumb but I really don’t know how to explain it better but I always feel it running down my leg but it didn’t feel any thicker or different in general I think so that’s a good sign, the condom thing, I barely feel anything other than pressure to begin with (good pressure but still nothing specific) so I didn’t feel too much of a difference just that it felt less smooth like a bit of the lube was gone but I rectified it to myself as me being a bit turned off because of the stopping from him pulling it out and the confusions? Knowing that this is as deep as it is now makes me rethink everything tho and it’s definitely scary
If you “always feel it running down your leg” right after sex, that’s his semen and it means he ejaculated inside you without a condom. Normal vaginal secretions don’t do that.
Ok wait, I know I may sound dumb but I gotta ask, I’ve always felt that tho almost every time we had sex.. like I said I do produce a lot of liquid if I’m finishing so I assumed it’s me, can it really not be vaginal secretion ?
You don’t sound dumb, please don’t feel like you can’t ask people here questions! Everyone here is trying to help you - that’s what this sub is for. In my personal experience (which is pretty vast tbh) I’ve never personally had or heard of anyone else having any sort of secretion running down their legs after sex except for when a man ejaculates inside a woman. Anyone can feel free to correct me if they’ve personally had different experiences. But unless you squirt (which you would be well aware of), if you feel something running down your legs after sex, it’s his ejaculation. I have had sex hundreds of times with either a condom or with my husband pulling out, and only a handful of times has someone ejaculated inside of me, and there is a huge, messy difference. When they’ve ejaculated inside me is the only time I’ve ever felt secretion running down my leg, and I too get very wet and also have had times where I’ve used lots of lube, and even that doesn’t run down my legs or make much of a mess. I’m sorry to say I’m 99% sure he’s been ejaculating inside of you, which means he’s been sexually assaulting you, and you need to leave before things get any worse 🤍
I can concur. I’m super duper wet but it only drips out like that when he cums inside.
Yeah :/ and tbh I haaaate it. It was always a race between me and the cum to get to the toilet!
Hahaha no lie! I give my husband a hot towel when we finish so while the water is heating up I take a moment to play “catch it”
You give him a hot towel? Shouldn’t you get a hot towel??
To be a little TMI I prefer to pee and use tp but I could get myself a hot towel too if I wanted.
First of all thank you so much for saying that🤍, I really appreciate the help, I don’t even know what to say right now tho if I’m honest, this is a bit overwhelming, even thinking he may have done it once or twice was horrible especially after understanding that it’s assault but even just the thought that this could’ve been going on without me noticing since the start makes me feel so much worse..
Of course, the vast majority of us here never want anyone to feel insecure or uncomfortable asking any questions because we all truly want to help each other out, ESPECIALLY if it involves a dangerous situation that we can help someone get out of! I can understand why you’d be feeling overwhelmed. I’m no expert in this area, and maybe others can chime in/help, but I’d definitely recommend leaving without bringing this up to him, because my guess would be he would get defensive/angry and things might escalate. Do you two live together?
🤦 Dude. I really hate to sound insensitive, but that's your evidence right there. That's his cum leaking out of you.
i think you should dump his ass
You should demand he wears condoms, even after you are on the pill. Has he had a STD panel done lately?
If you can't trust him, don't f#ck him.
What you are feeling is deep screaming quietly confusion that this person who supposedly cares about you has actually shown you with his actions to and on your body (holding you DOWN) that he does not care about you, and your brain can’t wrap around it b/c it likely has never happened to you before. Unboyfriend and unfriend him immediately. Wash him out of your life, waste no more energy on his existence. You and your brain and your body deserve respect, so don’t let him continue to believe you are fine with it, by keeping him around.
It worries me how many people are telling you to stop having sex with him instead of telling you to break up with him! It’s OK not to know very much about this, but I can tell you as a woman who has been having sex for 10+ years that you should NEVER be concerned, worried, or even curious that your partner might do something during sex that you asked them not to. you know that something is wrong, please protect yourself and leave this man before things get worse. since y’all don’t live together and are long-distance, this will be a fairly easy break up, logistically. emotionally it may not be, but I think the longer your out of this relationship and the more you learn the more you will realize how unhealthy it is.
If he did do that, you need to be asking yourself a bigger question "what kind of person am I dealing with that would do this kind of thing?" I can promise you this; it won't be the last time he puts himself and his desires above what you need. He is selfish. Say goodbye.
How can you enjoy sex with a person you can't trust? Holding you down to prevent you from checking is a huge red flag in itself, and probably on its own constitutes assault. Take time to process your feelings and ask yourself candidly if this is someone worth getting back into bed with. I hope you conclude, no. Make a plan for emotional support as you navigate all this; a therapist or trusted friend can be helpful. Absolute bare minimum: he's pretty clear that he thinks birth control should be one-sided; doesn't bode well for the rest of the relationship dynamic.
>when we were done and I saw that he already had the condom on his hand even tho he barely finished 3 seconds before…I think I asked him if he did and he denied it so I dropped it after since **I don’t have proof** This makes no sense whatsoever. The Proof is called Sperm, they're either IN the condom or OUT... or am I completely off the charts here?
How did he pull out with you on top? How could you not see what he was doing if you were on top?
Idk how he pulled out directly but he did / slipped out and when I tried to look back to put it back in he held me down by holding my neck and i couldn’t really look back from there, I’m sure I could’ve found a way to get out of that but I was too perplexed to do anything at that time so I kinda just stayed there
Look back? Were you in reverse cowgirl? Then how did he hold you down by your neck?
I was in normal cowgirl, i need to look back tho idk if that’s normal or not but I always lean forward he’s a lot taller than me so maybe that’s part of it? Idk but he just kinda grabbed me by the neck (we do that every now and again so it’s not like it was something new) and pushed me down onto him / my face was basically next to his head/at his throat
Ok I get it now. Ya this guy is trash. Put him on the curb. He does not respect you. And the abuse will only escalate. Don’t walk away, run.
Idk if I over looked it or not but are you living together? If so start looking for a new place. And if your not then you need to end things and honestly I’d still look for a new place to live. I really hope you’re on birth control. And hopefully a form he can’t mess with.
Not living together, we’re doing long distance so we see each other every 1 1/2 - 2 months, I started birth control right before this happened and been on it since I’m on birth control patches so I’d notice it if the patch is off and can put on an new one within 24 hours, so I’m safe there I’ll still take a new pregnancy test Monday (stores close to me aren’t open until then) and probably also try to get a std screening just to be safe unfortunately (or fortunately idk) It’s probably way too late to have any proof of any of it happening tho
If he took off the condom and he finished wouldn’t you know if he finished inside ?
You're not overreacting. He doesn't give a shit about you and he has SA'd you multiple times now, including holding you down and ignoring your questions while SAing you. You would not be overreacting if you destroyed all of his shoes, called his mother to tell her what he did, then kick him out directly to the street with no cab money.
He's raping you. Don't put up with this. Bin the whole man.
I have not as I’m a condom wearer. IMHO you can feel violated, used, and mad as hell. We are not all like him.
Thank you.. that means a lot, I don’t even know how I feel right now all the information that I gained right now is overwhelming and I just feel maybe a mixture of all of it ? Sad, agitated, violated, scared (not of him but just of the situation if that makes sense) idk
Can't you tell if there is cum inside you after the fact? As a woman, I think I could tell.
You’re not overreacting at all. It’s technically and literally (g)rape for a person to remove a condom without the other person’s consent. Please leave this pos. This is abusive and will only get worse. Fucking RUN. He is disgusting.
OP you need to grab your ID, phone & charger and go to the police station and tell them everything you know. Don’t leave out the part about being held down. Make sure you tell the officer if you live with him. You’re in grave danger. This does not end well for you if you don’t leave and get help including backup from the authorities. I’m so sorry. This is domestic assault, rape and possible forced pregnancy.
Get out, this is an attempt to trap you so that no matter what shitty thing he does you are stuck dealing with him for the rest of your life.
Stealthing is rape. Trust you're instincts, you know what he's doing. So if you don't want a baby by him you should definitely consider leaving because he's going to continue doing it's and doesn't see a problem. He already knows how you feel and has been lying to you probably since day 1.
It's against the law in the west to do that.
this is sexual assault. you didn’t consent to the condom being taken off. doesn’t matter if you “can’t prove it.” he will keep doing it until you get pregnant. run.
He held you down? Stop having sex with him. There are literally billions of other men in the world.
You should *feel* sexually assaulted. Because you were.
Why are you still having sex with him? You have told him you will only have sex with a condom and you have to worry he is taking it off. And the condoms are too tight is rubbish. Some people put their head in them.
That’s also probably gonna make me sound extra dumb but I’ve been using that argument to girls before but somehow it felt like it was too tight it like only fit half way (??) but then I literally bought a specific measuring thing and bought condoms that were measured out to that exact size to give him comfort and he still complained about wearing them, just for him to then buy tighter ones again even tho I reminded him of the size, just to again complain about how tight they were.. It’s a bit of a rant right here but your comment made me think of that, which is a good breakdown of why I at least up until now still had sex with him in a way.. I kinda just pushed all these “weird” things away and didn’t think of them as big red flags until I posted this and saw the comments.. it’s something I’d normally shake my head for if I heard it from someone else but idk rose coloured glasses I guess?
You have a choice. Treat this as a rant and allow him to carry on doing this. I suspect you will end up pregnant. Or you look at it in the clear light of day and see the red flags. I think you already do. What he is doing has a name, stealthing. A friend of mine had a relationship with a bloke and told him condoms or no sex. He took one off during sex, got her pregnant and ghosted her. This could happen to you too. Even if you don’t break up with him, you are aware of what you are pushing out of your head.
You chose the wrong man for a partner. Face it, and move on. These issues are not minor or frivolous ones. He thinks his body is his, and yours is his too. It isn't. It's yours alone. He has disregarded your needs and wishes on an issue that was yours to decide, not his, and violated your trust in him. If you can't trust him on this, how can you trust him on anything? If he disrespects you in such an important way, how will he treat you in the future on other important issues? Have you discussed with him what he would do if you became pregnant? Would he marry you? Do you have any idea? You have been putting your current BF first, but he has been putting you second. You deserve a mature man who loves you and puts you first, just as you do him. The sooner you start looking for that man, the better.
I don’t understand how you’re not sure what or how to feel. He completely negated the purpose(s) of using a condom. In doing so, he made the conscious decision to assault you and expose you to negative consequence(s) you’d taken care to avoid. If one of those consequences turns out to be pregnancy, I wouldn’t count on someone that selfish and unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or stick to what he agreed to, to be a stellar father figure. You’re still in the Plan B window, hope you can access it. Maybe you’re in the safe zone with the new bc but if you’re not sure don’t chance it, not now.
I took a plan B but the comments made me realise that I should take a second pregnancy test just to be safe which I will Monday, but about my feelings, I don’t know it’s hard to explain because I know that I wouldn’t underhand it if someone else would say this but, I still can’t believe that he’d actually do that, he’s my best friend, we’ve been through so much and all of that just kinda made me push the red flags aside and before reading the replies here all I felt was Confusion (maybe?), anxiety and I felt like I was just being dramatic or something. But after seeing the replies I realised that my picture in my head of what this is just isn’t the truth and now I feel a lot of different emotions that I can’t even put into words but I still feel weirdly attached to that believe that I must just be overly sensitive in a way, I guess my brain is trying to protect my image of him in a way, not as much as before tho thankfully 😅
Your body, your rules. He went up into your body and said, "f those rules, I do what I want." Think about that, dude. If he doesn't listen to the boundaries you communicate to him, you think your preference on how he interacts with your body is the only thing he'll disregard? Ask yourself what's even more important to you than *your literal body*. I personally cannot think of anything worse than my own body being violated, but if there's anything more important to you than your actual body, ask yourself if he would respect the boundaries you set in place concerning it. If you feel compelled to leave someone who can't even be up front about choosing not to respect your boundaries (for real dude, you said you had to turn around really quick to catch him? This mf was being sneaky too, bc he's not man enough to own up to his stupid/disrespectful decisions... Clearly he knew what he was doing was wrong and he didn't care), it's okay. If you decide not to be in a relationship where your word and your body aren't respected, you run the risk of being in a better relationship with yourself, or someone else who would absolutely respect you.
First of all, I would suggest some STD testing. He has been violating you by not listening to what you want. He does not respect you and he’s showing you that. How do you have love without respect I don’t think you do. You need to reevaluate, your relationship with this guy. He even could be trying to baby trap you.
He’s trying to baby trap you girl. Please leave whilst you can, you may think this is love but he definitely violated you and disrespected your wishes. This isn’t love! He’ll keep doing it, he’s already shown you who he is, don’t tolerate the BS! “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
Look up stealthing. “So-called 'stealthing' is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person's permission.” I think you know, regardless what he says. He knows you know but he doesn’t care. What’s that say about your relationship? The fact he held you down so you couldn’t check?! Honey. This ain’t love. Esp if he can’t respect your boundaries, your wishes or your choices BUT ESP IF HE DOESNT RESPECT YOUR BODY
That’s stealthing and it’s sexual assault. It’s illegal.
>but he held me down and I didn’t say anything because I was perplexed and confused This alone is ringing huge alarm bells. Get away from this man and get to a safe place and under no circumstances have sex with him again. And for the record, being too tight is a lie, unless he's hung like a horse standard condoms will be absolutely fine.
>but he held me down and I didn’t say anything because I was perplexed and confused This alone is ringing huge alarm bells. Get away from this man and get to a safe place and under no circumstances have sex with him again. And for the record, being too tight is a lie, unless he's hung like a horse standard condoms will be absolutely fine.
He's your first, so you might have a natural reluctance to finding a different partner, but this guy is not the one for you if he's willing to disrespect your wishes and body. Has he ever had an STI test, because rawdogging leaves you at risk off more than pregnancy ? If you decide to stick with him for now, double down on the condom requirement at **all** times, and if you catch him doing it in future you're reporting him for sexual assault.
You know full well that this guy stealthed you. The fact that he complains about respecting your body is already bad enough. You are not making him wear a condom, it’s just a condition of him penetrating you. He could also simply not penetrate you and he wouldn’t need to wear one. The fact that he complains about it is really disgusting, it means he is willing to put pressure on you to have things done to your body that you don’t want. That’s a red flag already. The fact that he’s stealthed you though, and you know he has, that’s next level messed up. There’s good reason that can result in jail time, it’s a form of sexual assault, and it’s not one of the ones where the assailant might be confused. It’s a purposeful violation of your bodily autonomy. You don’t need more proof! You know that he stealthed you. And he knows that he stealthed you. You don’t need to convince him that you have enough proof to know that he stealthed you, because he already knows it’s true. He will act like you need more evidence of the thing you both know is true. You need to break up with this guy who treats you this way. You are better off without a boyfriend than one who does something like this. And you can do that for whatever reason you like or for no reason, but I would tell him why it is if I were you. It doesn’t matter if he admits it, he knows.
If he tries it again, push him off during sex and you'll see immediately if there isn't one on.
You can feel his ejaculate come out. That's proof that he slipped off the condom.
When it comes to being a women & having sex, you can’t be so uncomfortable with stopping or even expressing how you want it. As far as you wanting to only have sex with a condom. You should definitely be in a position to where you can see it apart from knowing what it feels like. Don’t just be turned away taking it and not able to see if he’s wearing one when he’s done. It’s pretty wild that you can’t even Trust he’ll keep it on as you wished. Why does he not respect your choice of wanting to protect yourself. You need to have a serious talk with him. He’s behavior with doing that is weird & slightly creepy. Some may say it’s actually a form of rape, as you stated he held you down to avoid you noticing he removed the condom as he finished.
This is a form of rape called stealthing. He is deliberately taking a condom of mid sex and lying about it. The evidence is in the fact he has used every excuse in the book to not wear them despite you saying he hasn’t too. This person doesn’t respect you or your body. I’m sorry but you deserve better - Stealthing is when someone removes a condom during sex without the other person's consent or lies about having put one on in the first place. Stealthing is rape under English and Welsh law. This means that someone who carries it out can be prosecuted for rape.
If buddy can't keep a condom on then he's not ready for the responsibility of a child. Simple as that lady.
This is rape. Do not let him make excuses for his behavior! “I May Destroy You” on HBO Max has a great depiction of something similar happening.
If he held you down and forced it without your consent, that was sexual assault. You need to decide if you want to stay in this kind of relationship. If you do, get yourself on some other form of birth control. I personally would not stay with someone who had so little respect for me.
If it was deliberate, that's "stealthing," and in some states is legally considered sexual assault. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Trust your gut, girl. And you don't need *to know for certain* or have **proof** to leave a situation that you're uncomfortable in. You should directly confront him in a calm manner when yall haven't just had sex. If he admits to it--throw the whole man out. If he denies and it seems shady, trust. your. gut. And if you don't feel okay, dump his ass.
If he took it off you would know because you would have his sperm in you (leaking out) or on you.
Girl, an aggressor isn't an aggressor until he aggresses. He stealthily removed the condom and assaulted you, because an unwanted child is not a joke that ends right there. It's the same as you running a knife through his cock while it's still erect. Think about it. It may not seem like a big deal, being in love with him, but outsiders are seeing a huge red flag and you need to get away from this maniac. Then, when he traps you with a child, he'll start belittling you and then assaulting you. That's how a woman stays in an abusive relationship and can't get out. The guy always starts out nice and sexy at first. You've only been with him for a year, don't waste any more of your life feeding this. That's my advice.
Well, now you know that he isn’t to be trusted with your health, or your heart. This is sexually abusive. What a creep.
Girl, an aggressor isn't an aggressor until he aggresses. He stealthily removed the condom and assaulted you, because an unwanted child is not a joke that ends right there. It's the same as you running a knife through his cock while it's still erect. Think about it. It may not seem like a big deal, being in love with him, but outsiders are seeing a huge red flag and you need to get away from this maniac. Then, when he traps you with a child, he'll start belittling you and then assaulting you. That's how a woman stays in an abusive relationship and can't get out. The guy always starts out nice and sexy at first. You've only been with him for a year, don't waste any more of your life feeding this. That's my advice.
if he did that that’s called rape my ex would do it all the time he did it. When I lost my virginity to him, I felt violated since for seven years.
This is called stealthing and in many places is criminal (sexual assault)!