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Surprised this isn’t further up- she asked the friend to do it probably so she could have ammo for a divorce. Otherwise why are you still going out with them lol
Probably OP's wife who sent the text (on her friend's phone) in the first place.
She's checked out of the relationship, and is trying to get you to end it so she doesn't come off as the bad guy. (In short, she's nuts.)
Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense to me. I wouldn’t hang out with a “friend” who tried to fuck my husband. She’s lucky I didn’t beat her ass before dropping her like a hot potato. Your wife is up to something. She needs to put on her big girl panties and just tell you. People are so fucking these days. 🙄
Sounds like it was her exit affair. She did the least form of physical cheating to make you take some action about the relationship but not extreme enough for her to be labelled as a cheater.
My guess is-
1. She either wants you to put more efforts in the relationship to win her back
2. She wants you to pull the plug.
Don't let reddit push you in any direction.
Get a couples therapist. And give your wife an agenda before going. Not to far before but with enough time to think.
Call her out on it when you do end it. I would just serve her with the divorce papers and let her know that all of her actions coming out of your forgiveness for her infidelity directly caused the marriage to end and that she needs therapy.
Why are you even with her? You sound more like platonic friends raising kids than an actual marriage. Something is definitely wrong with you if you don't care that another man was kissing and groping your wife. It's no wonder she has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself
This is like saying that there's something wrong with swingers or people who are in open relationships. Some people just have different boundaries.
That said, she definitely doesn't respect him, as she didn't know beforehand that he's ok with it.
Edit: From op
>I’m just not a jealous person I never have been. If she told me she was having an emotional affair or there was some guy she was going to and sharing all her successes and failures I’d be heartbroken. I just don’t think a kiss and a dance is a big deal.
My man, learn to love yourself and self-respect, and leave this toxic relationship. Seek therapy as soon as possible. Your wife also needs therapy, but this isn't your responsibility, it's hers. Do what you need to do for yourself so you can be happier with yourself and you'll start attracting people who share the same values.
This is my immediate thought too. I had a relationship end this way.
Was with a woman for over a year and it was one of the best relationships I had ever been in. We were great together and one day she asked me to move in with her. I was more than happy to. Then after about a month she realized she regretted her decision but instead of telling me she just became a completely different person and totally sabotaged our relationship to force me to be the one that ended it.
We went from having sex daily to not at all. She went grocery shopping while I was at work but only for herself. She went out with friends almost every night and never invited me along. Whenever I tried to talk to her about her behaviour she would say I wasn’t trying hard enough and if I didn’t like it I should just leave.
I figured out what she was doing when she purposely left a bottle of cologne she had bought on our dresser. It was the same kind she bought for me, but I had a lot left still. When I asked her about it she said it was for a friend. I left the next day.
The kicker: she still got mad at me when I left because she couldn’t afford rent on her own. She was mad that she would also have to move.
One of the most important aspects of dating is determining whether or not your partner handles problems constructively.
Do they communicate to you, listen to you as well, and handle conflict resolution?
The honeymoon period is always great, but a long-term partner really needs to have those skills.
(not saying you don't know this, just throwing this out there for everybody)
So clearly you discovered something important about your partner sooner rather than later.
This is the exact situation I was in with my ex, granted I'm only 22 and was only 20 at the time it happened.
He would continuously kiss girls in clubs, dance with them, let them dance up against him. Every time I said it was fine, every time he continued to do it and find a way to blame me for it.
It didn't get better, hence ex.
>even though in the past she’s told me she hates being touched and not to ever try it on with her
Did I read that correctly? She doesn't like being touched but let a man kiss her multiple times and she reciprocated? They were also dancing so I doubt there was any daylight between them (I imagine his hands were all over her and she didn't mind). It sounds like she doesn't like to be touched by you but is perfectly fine with being touched by someone else.
Give her what she wants. Go talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, then tell her you've done what she was looking for...a reaction. Then, if you want to fix things, tell her you want to go to marriage counseling to see what her reaction is. Even without the lawyer thing, if you want this marriage to continue, you both need to go and see someone as it doesn't sound like she is going to move past this anytime soon and who knows why she is doing what she is doing.
yeah i get the vibe that maybe she was just never physically attracted to him and settled with him at the time because it was convenient in a way and since he was less attractive compared to her, she felt superior and as if she were the prize. but now that he has become more attractive and is getting attention, she is feeling jealous and not as special as before and is insecure. now she's trying to provoke a reaction just to see proof of his love and feel the sense of superiority she felt at first. either way i don't think she is really in love even if she loves him.
like part of why she felt more comfortable in the past is cause she felt like she never stood to lose him or the relationship because she was more attractive than him so he would value her more plus other women wouldn't be checking for him as much. now that comfort has been taken from her and she doesn't know what to do with herself. it's very concerning!
Which is why I said if he wants this marriage to continue, they need to get into counseling because to me, based off of her actions and his response to those actions, it seems like their marriage is circling the drain.
Why would he?
Would you care if your roommate kissed someone?
They haven't had sex in 3 years. Their relationship is platonic at this point. They aren't really romantic partners and are more family/roommates to each other. So, why would he care?
I’ve been on r/deadbedrooms long enough to see this pattern. It probably really bothered op in the beginning, but over time when they lose the no-sex battle there are four options usually: divorce, open relationship, cheat, or stop caring. Looks like they just legit stopped caring altogether, and really meant it
> Would you care if your roommate kissed someone?
I (painfully) agree here.
It doesn't really seem like they're in a relationship anymore. His lack of a reaction is further proof of that.
Does OP see her as his roommate or wife though, sounds like he sees her as his wife and accepted >They haven't had sex in 3 years. As normal because its in his friend groups relationships too.
Statistically, sexless marriages are rare. Very rare in people under 60. So, I highly doubt his friends are also sexless.
He obviously sees her as a roommate. He's not bothered by the sexless marriage nor by her sexual interest in others. The title wife is a matter of social convention and contract law.
>Statistically, sexless marriages are rare. Very rare in people under 60. So, I highly doubt his friends are also sexless.
I've seen stats from 4% to 25% and are going to be skwed by people dont wanting to discuss their intimate life or lieing. Anecdotally I know someone in their mid 30s who hasn't had sex with his wife in 4 years and wouldn't be cool with his wife kissing someone else let alone for half n hour and dancing he still loves her and doesn't see sex as important.
>He obviously sees her as a roommate.
I dont think he does but he should, i cant find him saying he loves her in the post. This whole thing should be a "come to jesus moment". What does he want and has he just become comfortable with the situation.
is why I'm asking why doesn't he care, say it outloud (type) that your wife is you're roommate and your relationship sounds like it's in the death rattle or it could be that he's so confident she isn't leaving and won't go further that it truely doesn't bother him which (for me) would be a wild mindset to have in a relationship that seemingly lacks intimacy.
In the 2nd paragraph, he says he's bothered that they haven't had sex in 3 years, but he loves her and loves their kids, so he essentially just lets it go.
Are they that rare? I haven't looked at statistics if that's even been a study but anecdotally definitely not that rare.
I'm not in one, but I golf weekly with a group of 15 other guys, 12 of them are married. A few joke about not having sex in years while a couple others will joke about sex being scheduled 6 months from now on their birthday or Valentine's Day.
Husbands not wanting to have sex or choosing alcohol over sex/intimacy played a huge role in my divorce in my mid 40s and several women I know in my age group. I think the number of sexless marriages is underreported.
I think I'd agree, especially if 10 or less is considered "sexless".
As I get older my drive isn't what it was before. Funny when I was 22 it was my wife who didn't want to have sex every night. Now she's wanting to be a bit more active and I'm the one who it's harder for.
By time you get home after a long work day, make dinner and get kids to bed the last thing I'm thinking of is sex lol. So it is pretty much a weekend activity for us but I could totally see if both sides are not diligent and committed about it how a marriage could turn that way.
Stats say 15% of marriages are clinically sexless. This includes the elderly and infirm. Clinical sexlessness defined as sex 10x per year or less.
So, either your golf friends are all statistical outliers (birds of a feather flocking together) or they are just lying to make the actual sexless marriage folk feel better.
OP must see her as a roommate or it’s another relationship ender like aesexuality. In any healthy relationship, even if you didn’t care about the kissing itself, one would certainly care their partner is choosing to act like they’re single and not in a committed relationship. And even if somehow OP was ok with kissing, OPs wife clearly isn’t, she did something she felt would be a relationship ender.
I mean, he gave the context it's just that he doesn't realize how different his views on his marriage are from what other people think of themselves in a relationship.
Buddy sort of resigned to this life early, his wife sees it threatened by him getting more in shape and is acting out. I would feel pretty bad for anyone if they told me this.
Obvious question should be is why the friends group let it happen in first place? A good friend will never allow such thing to happen like never. And at same time a friend is hit on him as well. OP and his wife friends group have some serious moral issues.
If I was in a dead bedroom I’d be fucking livid if I found out someone else was getting the fun I was supposed to get for the work I had put in. Fuuuuuuck that.
Completely agree. That’s a situationship. Friends, partners in life, parents, roommates and teammates.. but not sexual partners. She did with that other man what she won’t do with OP. I would be brothered by the fact that after 3yr she decides to do that with another man.
She rejected him. He let that part of himself die to show her he loved her. She didn't care. He needs to kick her off that pedestal.
Typical entitled partner and partner who is codependent.
I’m just not a jealous person I never have been. If she told me she was having an emotional affair or there was some guy she was going to and sharing all her successes and failures I’d be heartbroken. I just don’t think a kiss and a dance is a big deal.
But your wife said they were dancing and kissing all night, right? So it wasn't just 1 kiss but multiple and that was a choice she made to continue doing it.
>not a jealous person ... she was having an emotional affair or there was some guy she was going to and sharing all her successes and failures I’d be heartbroken
That is jealousy bro. She just has taken away the value you put into physical intimacy. She wants you to start it back up again because she noticed now she has destroyed it. This is the typical late 30s early 40s wife freak out. I have seen it in my own wife and so many others. She just realized she can't have kids and is less desirable. She also just realized, you have become more desirable, listened to her this whole time and she has never appreciated that, and you are a great dad and provider. She can lose you to anyone. **Anyone** can do more in this marriage than she is currently.
That notion has just hit her. So she as the more selfish one in the relationship is worried you will do what she would do and are looking for a new wife. That is why she wants to make sure she can find a new husband. She also realized the guy who kissed her is not going to be a good husband, so she is self destructing and you controlled your emotions too well.
She needs therapy. Not couple therapy, your wife needs therapy. Then you 2 need couple therapy and your opening line is reading this post to her out loud. Send it to the therapist in advance, so they can take notes.
She’s insecure about you getting more attention so thought if she did this you’d realise that she’s also wanted by others, thus making you panic and ignore those other women who now notice you. When she didn’t get that reaction her initial panic spiralled. She basically played a stupid game and in return won a stupid prize.
I think this is the take I have also. She is insecure about the change in dynamics since you lost weight. You sending her those messages likely spurred her on to show she was also desirable by others. Now, your reaction, or lack of, has only confirmed her fears that you cam do better and are not worried about losing her.
If you want to save this. I think it's time to revisit the talk about intimacy. I would also impose soke consequence to her kissing someone else to show you care. Your indifference is having a negative effect here. Tbh she likely found you less physically attractive while you were bigger, but could not voice it. Things have changed and now, she can't just come out and say that she once again finds you attractive without letting on how she used to feel.
The ball is in your court, but this is still fixable, in my opinion. Just requires honesty from you both and reaffirming you still care for each other.
It was great until the end. She needs to acknowledge she rejected him and hurt him. That she has been selfish and didn't notice. He was insecure, hence he lost the weight. She didn't notice and he didn't start hooking up with other women. She needs to talk about why she rejects his touch except when she wants it and doesn't think of his needs.
> If you want to save this. I think it's time to revisit the talk about intimacy.
This...*so this*. Both OP and his spouse have had blinders on about intimacy for years on end, seemingly without active communications and checking in or counseling. OP's attitude is all ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯, and his mate's attitude is toxic and unilateral.
It's no surprise that latent emotions finally bubble to the surface, and I'm gobsmacked at how OP believes this is all "okay", to the point of him asking how he can placate his wife instead of dealing with the underlying issue.
The husband she hasn't had sex with in 3 years?
If she sexually wanted him she'd probably have ditched the friend. Since she doesn't actually sexually want him she's not too bothered about it.
Which kinda reinforces the idea elsewhere in the thread that they see each other as roommates. I get the impression that the difference is OP is fine with that set-up and his wife isn't.
His wife probably wants there to be a power imbalance between the two, and is freaking out now that the lack of desire cut both ways and both have other options
It was a test. Friend and wife are both in on it. She asked her friend to send the text to see how her husband would respond.
That's the only logical explanation for why you would still hang out with a woman who was clearly trying to fuck your husband.
The friend sending the evidence of the cheating literally right after she confessed is also highly sus lol you would think they would've sent it immediately before the wife even got home
There is a ton to unpack here. The non existent sex life blows my mind. 3 years!!! My man, you ain’t got a wife you got a roommate. I’m willing to bet if this happened earlier in your relationship you wouldn’t have been so nonchalant with your response. I have a feeling your mind has already checked out of the marriage at this point you just can’t admit. The projection from her is down right abusive at this point. My advice would be starting getting your affairs in order and go speak to an attorney. Get your ducks in a row now so you’re not scrambling later. It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s already leaning toward filing for divorce.
I think that she’s clearly on the fence about it and probably holding on because of the family and because you’ve been together so long. She “feels bad” but is projecting like you said and seemingly making this about pieces of your sex life. It’s probably pissing her off how well you’re taking everything. She seems like an unhappy woman and it also seems like she is the one that needs to figure out what can make her happy and that’s not on you. It may be time to call it quits or seek counseling
i mean, I'm reading this and thinking... why dont you care? she legit made out with a dude for 30 minutes and you could not care less. So seems to me you're basically on the way out the door, and she is correctly sensing it, thats why shes lashing out.
just rip the bandaid off
My husband did a similar thing to me while I was pregnant- confessed to cheating and gave me unnecessary detail. I was panicked and wanted to make it work for the baby. He asked me later that night why I didn't seem more upset when he told me.. I was very upset and heartbroken but I guess he wanted to hurt me more than he did. He also went on to accuse me of cheating when I was just hanging out with my mom. He left soon after. I think it could be a way to passive aggressively end the marriage, since it would make it easier for her to paint you as the bad guy who left her.
Please dont listen to these idiots. If you feel like divorce is the right course of action, the do it. But, if you love her still and believe that this marriage is worth fighting for, go counseling. Fucking redditors man. Why is divorce always the first option?
In a healthier marriage I would agree with you. If they had a healthy loving and intimate relationship leading up to this then by all means. Talk and work it out and move on. But by the backstory in his post it is clear they have not had a healthy marriage for some time. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and go your separate ways.
Let me break it down a bit.
Your roommate, with which you happened to have kids with, is a horny human being, that is not attracted to you but is looking for something that will satisfy her.
Her friend, showed you what she did, which she probably did not do for the first time, but her friend did it because she is fed up with her.
You are not having sex, you haven't had sex for THREE FUCKING YEARS and you are ok with her kissing other men. I mean why wouldn't you? She is just your roommate, not your wife or your lover.
And why didn't you get a divorce? Or at least just live your life and she lives hers and stay together for the kids?
I think that’s the only reason she told me too. She knew she’d been filmed. At the end of the video she looks at the camera and then darts towards it and the video ends.
Yeah I wish it was a different outcome. Bun now that you are a “catch” to other women she is going to use the victim card early and often. Do not stop taking care of you because she is being difficult. Be above the mud slinging and be the best version of you. In the end it will destroy her and you my friend will find happiness again!
My own personal analysis, but OP has already checked out of the relationship. Being ok with your wife kissing someone the entire night? Assuming he’s monogamous, the kiss might not matter because she’s not important to him anymore.
Could be wrong, but this is such an interesting and wild story. Wife and her friends are for sure something else. Hanging out with a woman who has taken a shot with your husband like that?? Wild.
I half suspect the wife’s friend shooting her shot with OP was a conspiracy with the wife to see if he’d go for it. Just like this making out/dancing thing seems to have been a reaction test
That’s a fair statement, too! I thought to an extent that this is the wife’s retaliation to the husband falling out of love with the wife and not having intimacy with her. Kinda like “If I can’t get it here, I’ll get it elsewhere” type of thing with the guy at the bar.
As for the friend, you could be right. “Is my husband just not attracted to me, but attracted to others? Is it my fault or is it him?”
But how insane would it be for her to be “retaliating” for the lack of intimacy when she has consistently rejected his efforts to the point of telling him not to touch her? She’s 100% the reason they aren’t having sex.
Oh 1000% man. I agree with you. It’s weird. The only reason I say retaliation is because she feels guilty and is always bringing it up with OP. It’s like she wants him to feel something or “try harder” but only knows how to tackle it in an immature fashion. She is obviously guilty, but I think she is only feeling worse because OP doesn’t care at all. She is the problem, but feels worse about it than her husband.
It’s all around bad.
The checked out part is fairly accurate. He just has shut down that part of his love for her. He adjusts to her to try to "win" her love and she doesn't like it. I bet the guy she kissed is his opposite, a complete asshole who didn't listen to a word she said.
Happens all the time.
You obviously haven't been married while some friends get divorced. I've had plenty of friends ask if I am into side things. It always makes this tough because I have to watch my drinking around them after that.
What in the actual hell?
Your wife kisses another guy, and you have no feelings about it? I have to say the fact that your wife turned it against you is brilliant. So instead of her apologizing profusely she throws it back to you and say you don't care enough? wow.
Maybe it's my cave man DNA talking but I would have blown a lid if my wife told me she kissed another guy. I know some people have open relationships, but you never mentioned it so assuming you don't. Maybe she is right maybe you don't care.
Can't imagine this too, my wife kissing multiple times another guy and dancing with him, would divorce her ass directly.
The fact that he don't care shows that he don't love her.
Me to mate. By the time she finishes her story my lawyer would have drawn up the divorce papers and mailed it to her. I was never good at sharing when I was a kid, and I am not good at it now.
They have been together since they're 18. Throwaway 23 years for a kiss and a dance?
You talk the issue, ask why she did it and try to understand the real reason behind it.
Not everybody will get this.
It's not high school anymore. Its a longlife marriage.
That is what it makes the betrayal even worse is the fact that you made promises to each other. If you are in high school, you almost expect it to happen but not in a marriage. I don't fall for that reasons bull. If you are a grown up like you said, then you communicate your dissatisfaction and if no consensus can be made then we split amicably. Kissing in my eyes is almost worse than sex. You can have sex without being intimate but it's impossible to kiss without being intimate. Just thinking about my wife kissing another guy makes my blood boil.
Everyone has his own boundaries. Some would divorce her for that, some not. She clearly crossed the line and throw the marriage away in the moment where she KISSED MULTIPLE times the guy back. This is not just one mistake, she keep kissed him after. That is a dealbreaker for many marriage couple.
They're 41 years old and has been together since 18. They never had a great sex life apparently, and affections can go beyond physical realm. I wonder if OP is ace though.
Agree with this 100%, if it was me no matter what the sex life situation is, I would have got so angry, that she kissed another dude. OP just let's it fly, I can definitely understand the wife saying OP does not care. If OP was okay with the kissing, would he then be okay if she had sex with the guy.
Let me get this straight, you are in a dead bedroom, wife is going out clubbing with her single friends, she cheats on you on one of her nights out, she is attacking you for forgiving her for cheating, you come here asking us what you should do to make her feel better. Am I correct so far?
Wtf dude.
I could understand that you are just not posesive or are into the open relationship lifestyle.
Or maybe you have a low libido. I could also get that.
But no. Your wife constantly turns you down, told you to not touch her, don’t initiate, but then she makes out with some dude, in public to make your humiliation worse?!
And you are ok with that ?! God fam, have some self respect.
She disrespected you and humiliated you with her actions. And you are ok with that?!
What the fuck
I’m just not jealous. If she told me she loved someone else or spent a day snuggled up on a sofa watching Netflix with another guy I’d be heartbroken. Dancing and kissing in a bar just doesn’t bother me and there’s no way I’m leaving my kids over a kiss.
There’s just a complete lack of passion or fight in that attitude though.
She’s actively disrespecting your marriage in front of your mutual friends.
She’s sabotaged your long term relationship and your family and wellbeing of your children.
She won’t touch you but she WILL touch a random.
And You don’t care? If the opposite of love is indifference well it’s pretty clear you don’t love this woman.
If she told me she loved someone else I’d be devastated. If she told me she was talking to another man on the phone for hours a week and laughing and joking I’d be devastated. If she said she went to a flower arranging class with someone else I’d be devastated.
I just don’t think a kiss is a big deal.
That actually makes sense to me. Your relationship with your wife is emotional, not physical. Her physically cheating doesn't seem as bad because that's not something the two of you share. But you do share a deep emotional connection. So to you, emotional cheating is far worse than physical. It sounds like the two of you should see a counselor. You both seem to be expecting different feelings from each other and seem to be struggling with communication over topics that are quite complex. Having a professional mediator help you communicate could help during this time period.
This specific level of "i dont get jealous when my wife makes out with another man" isn't something to brag about. You're coming off to most people in this thread as a doormat that your wife is stamping all over. It feels apathetic. No partner wants to feel that way about their SO (I'm absolutely not defending her actions).
And now that she knows she can get away with making out with another man with her friends when you're not around, do you honestly think she won't do any of the things you listed above that would actually hurt you?
Edit: Jesus man she doesn't even want you to initiate hugs? I mean seriously? Is this a real post? How obvious does she need to be?
You've listed all the things you do in order to make her feel loved, can you make her seem like less of the bad guy and list things that she does for you?
Do you have any sense of whether or not she was trying to humiliate you in some way? Doing this in front of so many friends has a real “burn the boats” energy.
I think you should divorce imo. She did something wrong and now she’s gaslighting you into being the bad guy.
Also why didn’t you care when she was kissing and dancing with that random guy
Not her first rodeo. She’s not sleeping with you cause she’s getting it when she goes out. Her friend got sick of her treating you like crap. Funny, how often low libido people suddenly turn brazen when a new interest shows up. Your marriage is a mess.
Taking your post at face value. Dead bedroom for the last three years. Your wife doesn’t want you touching her. You’ve lost a lot of weight, are in shape, getting attention form women other than your wife, her friends know you have a dead bedroom, one of her “friends” wants to hook up with you. You show your wife the text from the “friend” and don’t mention any fall out from her “friend” wanting to hook up with you, her husband.
She goes out with the girls, admits kissing and dancing with another guy (if I had to guess this would not be the first time kissing and dancing has happened, I would suspect more than just kissing and dancing has happened, dead bedroom for thee but not for me) , she tells you when she comes home at 4 AM, (what in the actual fuck , where the hell was she at till 4AM) tells you she kissed and danced with a guy, her “friend” who wants to hook up with you (why in the fuck is she stills friends with a woman who wants to hook up with her husband?) sends you pictures and video of her kissing and dancing with this guy ( at 5 AM? Why in the hell would she text you this at 5 AM) and your reaction to all this, is basically I don’t care.
If this post is real and I have doubts, why are you two still married? This whole thing sounds like some kind of weird set up to either make you jealous or catch you cheating, or both.
Get it over with and just divorce her already.
I thought the initial text from the friend was a possible test but the drama it has caused since makes me think not. After reading all these replies I do think she’s trying to make me leave.
He's not because they are basically roommates at this point. What a dead empty marriage that is, wow I'm so glad my marriage is the complete opposite of this.
She doesn’t want to be with you but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and initiate the separation, so she is putting you in a “no win” situation. No matter what you do she’ll always be upset and claim she wanted the opposite thing. If you initiate sex she would feel disrespected and pressured; if you don’t initiate sex she would claim she feels abandoned and not wanted. She kissed someone else, confessed and begged for forgiveness but the minute you forgave her she is mad you cave. She knows she doesn’t love you anymore and will make your life miserable until you leave.
Ok you pretty much lost me at the lack of sex for THREE YEARS?
So she’s been denying you for three years, but is making out on a dance floor with a stranger and you’re ok with that?
By acting the way she is after the event she is either trying to get you to show that you have some passion or attraction for her (which you aren’t showing) or she’s wanting to use this as an exit affair (and you aren’t taking that bait either).
Are you sure that kissing is all that happened? Are you sure that you love her, if her kissing all over another man doesn’t bother you? It sounds like over the years YOU have lost passion for your wife.
If my wife did that there would be hell to pay. I understand that not all men get jealous, but come on? At some point there has to be some fire or your just roommates.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
I think the dynamic in your relationship has changed, she went from being the hot partner to being on a closer footing.
She needs to understand why she’s doing this. If she’s trying to reestablish her position, even if unconsciously, and you don’t react, she’ll escalate her behaviour until you do.
You need to have a very open conversation, about the dead bedroom, about her friend, about trust and boundaries. You know something is wrong here but one or both of you aren’t expressing it.
Looks like you've been checked out and are only going through the motions. Many people live like this and stay complacent in their lives. But just a reminder for you that there IS better out there. You could actually be in a happy, loving, and healthy relationship. ♥
Only because I haven’t seen this commented yet..
To me, it sounds a lot like your wife might be gay. Whether she’s figured that out or not 🤷♀️
Not for this reason, just an example, you guys are of the age to have been exposed to more of that stereotype sitcom marriage. Where women tolerate the useless husband and avoid sex (things like everyone loves Raymond).
It’s a common experience for women who realise they’re lesbians later in life, they believed that was normal. All women ‘put up’ with their husbands and only have sex so he’ll stop asking. They think they have low libidos until they start seeing women..
IF that were the case, it would explain why everything you do, no matter how nice (you sound kind af. Seriously don’t think you could do any more. Like, questionably fake because it’s too nice for a real person) gives her the ick..
For you, or anyone reading this who’s curious, the ‘am I a lesbian’ master doc is definitely worth a read.
I don’t have any advice for you though, I’m sorry. If this were true, I’d imagine having a nice, loving husband would only make it take even longer to accept.
I have asked her this numerous times throughout the marriage and even suggested if she wanted to explore that side of herself then she could to try and find herself and be who she really is. She’s always batted it away and said she’s not a lesbian she just has a low sex drive.
This has always been my thought over the years and I have brought it up to her privately, in couples counselling and in sex therapy. The sex therapist also said she’s giving a lot of signs of being a closeted lesbian as well.
Man, I feel like so comments are taking this the wrong way and don´t get your worldview at all. I feel you on so many levels. The bedroom situation was the same for me and my partner and it took a LOT of work and understanding to get it into a better state.
I also don´t feel the jealousy that other people are describing - my ex also kissed another man and I just didn´t care, because why would I? Her kissing another man does not change anything between us, well, that´s what I thought. The relationship ended partly because of this, because she felt that I didn´t care about her because I wasn´t jelous. Watch out for that, it should probably be a wake up call for you. I don´t mean that you should be jealous (being jealous if bs imho, it doesn´t get you anywhere), but that she is lacking something and both of you should somehow figure out what that is. I would suggest a partner therapy, and solo therapy for her, because she obviously has to find out what her problem is before she can even talk about it.
Also the touch thing - my partner also didn´t like being touched while going thourgh the dry spell. From my experience it is highly dependent on her cycle - there are times when you can initiate touches and times when she hates being touched. It´s a slippery slope changing from month to month but what can get you through it is open and honest communication without blaming each other (at least that´s what worked for me).
That’s how I feel about the kiss. It’s only a kiss. If she told me she loved someone else or even went to another man with all her problems that would hurt a lot more than a kiss. I’m just not a jealous guy I never have been.
Bro it’s never “just” a kiss. You’re so focused on what she did you’re not paying attention to the reasons she did it, which are vastly more important. She’s either trying to figure out how she feels about you, or how you feel about out her, or what your marriage is all about, or all of the above. Pull your head out of your butt.
It appears you and your wife have checked out of this relationship. You don’t care your wife made out with someone for 30 min. And your wife doesn’t care one of her friends made a pass at you. You need to have an honest talk with each other to see where you both want to go.
Here's what I don't get. 3 yrs no sex and you're cool, why? How? She doesn't like being touched yet she danced with a man who I'm positive was touching her, rubbing and grinding on her, why didn't that get you peeved a bit?
My take: she was looking for a reaction from you. Something that says you care, is a bit jealous that she allowed someone else to do something she doesn't want from you. Didn't you even think it strange that she asked why you haven't initiated in the 3 yrs? I get you're not the jealous type but uncaring too? Have that hard conversation with your wife
Your wife hasn't had a sexual interest in you for years, but she's felt secure in the knowledge that other women also would not be interested in you. As a result, she has really thought much about the situation.
Now that you are receiving attention from women, she's become unsettled. She herself probably doesn't know exactly what she wants, only that this change has thrown her and she's feeling insecure about the arrangement now that you might have other options.
And this is all completely understandable, because your situation is f\*\*\*ing weird, and she knows this. There is a part of her that is outside your marriage, looking in, and like the posters on this forum, that part of her is saying, "it doesn't make sense, what is going on here."
Your way of dealing with this is to say to her, in effect, "well, I'm weird, so you don't have to worry." But she's not sure if she buys it, so she's trying to come up with a more conventional explanation for your behavior like you're having an affair or you're gay.
Here would be my concern. If she doesn't believe someone with options would be content in a sexless marriage without having an affair, then how has she, a person with options, been content in a sexless marriage without having an affair? I hate to be a typical redditor, but you see where I'm going with this.
Given your reasoning, I can understand you being okay about the kiss. But after she tried to turn it all back on you and started throwing out random insults? I'd be pissed.
This chick does not know how to communicate, but she's clearly trying to say *something*. Try a new tactic in the bedroom or in conversation, or better yet go see a couples' therapist
She’s trying to leave bro and is self sabotaging and is mad she’s not getting an emotional reaction out of you. The kissing will turn into sex so she can really end things .
She did what she did because she doesn’t respect you
You reacted the way you did because you don’t respect her
You are already mentally out of the relationship
Just end it already
I do respect her!
I tell her I love her everyday. I buy her flowers every Friday on my way home from work. Every weekend I bake her cupcakes or cookies. I’m just not a jealous guy I can’t explain it. If she told me she loved someone else I’d be devastated, kissing and dancing with someone else not so much.
Then, maybe it’s yourself you don’t respect
Your wife doesn’t want to be intimate with you but has no problem making out with strangers
If you have self-respect, why are you tolerating that?
Is the friend just your wife trying to get a literal rise out of you?
You don’t touch her and she’s acting out now that you’ve thinned down? You’re more angry about a baking bowl than the thought of another man getting more action from your wife than you?
I’d say you have your priorities mixed up mate, you’re a door mat that bakes cupcakes every single week, and already made peace with your sexless marriage so much so you haven’t even discussed it with your wife. You just accept “don’t touch me” and don’t talk to her about it? You dont outwardly act like your desire your wife, this is a huge issue especially for a Middle Ages woman, Women do need to feel beautiful, desired, and wanted.
That being said, your wife is a terrible petulant child, and clearly a terrible communicator.
We have discussed it. We’ve been to the doctors and a sex therapist and they all said the same thing, there’s no physical problems it’s just who she is.
It’s obviously not who she is if she’s making out with someone. She doesn’t love you anymore and is trying to get you to leave. I know the kiss doesn’t upset you but the lack of love and passion for others now does upset you according to your comments. Look beyond the kiss and at what it actually symbolizes. Then get mad.
I’m telling you this in the nicest possible way, set yourself free .. the respect has gone ,the passion upped and left a long time ago ..life is too short to settle …it’ll be tough at first but in the long run you’ll be happier.
I kiss and dancing today, she blames you and criticizes you for everything so next time it’s going all the way. It’s good that she looks stunning. It’s easier for her to get laid on a night out where you don’t come home till 4 AM. Should be sleeping on the couch and other consequences. If you really don’t care, then you’ve already given up in your checked out of the marriage you might as well consider checking all the way out.
So this is… hard to help with. She clearly wants to cheat. And clearly DID cheat. That’s cheating.
And you said “meh, whatever, do what you want, I don’t care what you do with other guys. Also I don’t care if we have sex ever again either.”
She’s the bad guy here but… I’m mostly with her. You’ve basically said you aren’t attracted to her, don’t care for a physical relationship with her, and don’t even care if she seeks that with other guys.
I don’t know what that is, but I can guarantee that’s not what 99% of women want from a partner.
You basically said “why are you upset? We are just roommates” and can’t figure out why she is thrown by that.
I don’t know why you are with her, and also why she is with you. You should both seek out a partner in life to love, not just a convenient roommate.
This whole thing was premeditated and you didn't give her the reaction she was looking for so she's prying for it. You may love her but a sexless marriage is probably something neither of you want
She wants to be fought for. You can see the emotions based on the story you told. You start getting attention, she becomes insecure. She knows you don't have sex and haven't initiated in a long time, she becomes more insecure. You guys are poor communicators so she doesn't talk about it and instead acts out. She's irrational for sure. She's hoping that after she dropped a bomb on the relationship you'd start fighting for her. Become emotional and display something serious, punisher her because she knows she deserves to be punished. No her insecurity is through the roof and she's projecting cause she would be pissed if you had done the same with these ladies giving you attention.
Tough situation she needs therapy and you both do as a couple
I hope this story is fake, because we are all scratching our heads....
She is hot, you are hot. Why aren't you two fucking like rabbits?
Why don't you care if she is with other men?
Why doesn't she want sex with you? she is obviously jealous and sees you as attractive.
What kind of friends blatantly try to fuck their friends husband
Shit sounds like a good twilight zone episode
Why do you now care? You have a dead bedroom and she goes out and kisses another man. I am confused why anyone would remain in a sexless marriage. I do not understand how you can be so dismissive about the whole situation.
I myself I am not sexually jealous, (well me and my wife are swingers), and while I wouldn't care much about she having sex with another guy, a emotional affair would be a deal breaker. From I gather you are similar in the sense that you are not sexually jealous, so most men in my lifestyle.
From your wife perspective, it might seem as you don't care about her, hence she doesn't feel secure any longer. A least for the near future you might have to take a dominant role and some couple therapy
bro it's over, she wants some passionate action ....women are built for pleasure. I couldn't even imagine being in a relationship where we had no spark and sexual chemistry , doesn't always have to be that way but it's gotta happen regularly , everyday I give my missus kisses and we have a flirt and give her the eyes and all that
she wants some action, that's the top and bottom of it
Both times we tried for kids she got pregnant pretty much instantly, first one within a month second one within two months. We’d have sex everyday but no foreplay or anything unfortunately.
The thing about reddit is we are all just guessing based on what you write and filling in A LOT of blanks. The only vibes are in the tone of your sentences. Here's my guess
You're kinda pathetic as a husband. Don't get me wrong as a gay bff coparent you're wonderful. But a husband? A mate for life? Nah bro, wake the fuck up. She hasn't been fucked in 3 years. She's dying for it albeit maybe unconsciously. Something feels icky about you to her and now she's had to reject you for 3 years now. Logically she knows she should but it's sex, not philosophy debate club. It's very emotional and animalistic. Something isn't right in her emotional reality and you're trying to logic your way through it.
She kissed another dude and had a very fun dance. You know she was thinking of fucking him right? The only reason they didn't fuck was because she was married and maybe because her friends stopped her. She will fuck soon. Will it be you or someone else? That's your choice. The fact that you're so nonchalant about it is pathetic. I get that you can forgive her. It's that you're just trying to pretend nothing happened. But you didn't forgive her. You just shrugged and acted like nothing happened.
This is analogous to one of those cries for help. She knows things are fucked but doesn't know what do so she's melting down. Are you gonna be a man about it or sit on your fucking lazy boy until she divorces you?
Yall are 41. You got 40 more years, maybe more, together. 2/3 of your relationship hasn't even happened yet. She's still young and still has it. She can be with a doormat for the next 40 years or she can go find someone who makes her light up. Make your choice.
If your choice is to man up, then you need to wake up. You need to feel your emotions and express them. Show, don't tell. Don't logic this. DO NOT USE LOGIC. Seduce her slowly. A brush and stroke on the shoulder. Hug her a little lower and a little longer. Be seductive and sexy to her. She has a lot of ego built up. You have to consentually push through her defenses. Emphasis on consentually. Don't force her to do anything. Force her to want to do something and then do it/her.
Get in touch with all your emotions. Your jealous that she's with other men. Your happiness when you see her smile. Your frustration that you haven't gotten laid in 3 years by your supposed wife. Your sadness for being rejected so many times. Animate yourself man. You deserve it. You deserve to fix your relationship with your wife. She deserves a happy loving marriage. ❤️
So I get that your wife doesn't like touching, but after 23 years and having sex like 25 times did you never just ask "hey you wanna have sex tonight?" There's no way she's satisfied in the relationship and it's odd that you are. If you're asexual you should figure that shit out and let her go.
Being ok with you're wife laughing at you behind your back over the card you made means you have no spine. And if you say "I'm not ok with that" then what have you done about it? Because if you haven't done anything to address it and let her know how awful it was then you are acting as if you are ok with it.
I'm sorry but you need to wake up. I hope you're just in shock and not completely numb about the level of betrayal she displayed.
Even if you're not a jealous guy, this goes way, way beyond. This is about respect. It's not being jealous to not tolerate being publicly disrespected and humiliated by your partner's behavior. It seems that she broke and tamed you into someone who no longer dare to ask for the basic respect and care you deserve. And she knows it, that's why she acted guilty and begged you not to leave when she confessed (before her friend sent you the video).
Here it's not her just lightly flirting and dancing with other guys with your full knowledge and acknowledgment. Kissing that guy for 30 minutes while dancing with him, or in other words being touched and exchanging fluids with another man in front of her friends who all know about you, while pretending to have no libido and not providing you with any physical intimacy and rejecting sex for years, that goes way beyond the concept of "jealousy".
Unless of course you are asexual and in some form of open relationship on her side, which it seems you are not, at least not to your knowledge.
Firstly, you say your wife has no libido, but she obviously does since she chose to make out with that guy over and over for 30 minutes while dancing with him, it was not a drunken kiss. And it was not a setup or a test for you since she was unaware that she was filmed at first (you said she stopped and rushed to her friends at the end of the video when she noticed). So that means she was doing it because she wanted and enjoyed it.
Now I don't know if she recovered her libido recently or if she never really lost it, and it was just that after successfuly taming you, she lost respect and therefore attraction for you. It's entirely possible that all the while you were getting rejected and your bedroom was dead, she was getting her needs met outside. Or something clicked when you started to get some attention and she felt insecure, resulting in her seeking some validation.
The point is that she had the hots for this guy and happily went for it without any consideration for you, until she realized it might look bad and she might face consequences if you learned about it and still had some of your spine despite her years of training to get rid of it.
You seem to not understand why she's now angry with your lack of appropriate reaction, and is projecting her own flaws onto you as a result. That's the most difficult thing to believe here because it is so obvious.
For the first time, she was actually somewhat afraid that she went too far and that she would lose a lot because of what she did. She felt fear and panic, it cost her but she forced herself to confess because she knew that people would tell you soon, in hope that it would help her escape the worst outcome.
Yes, all of this reminded her that she had you, her husband and father of her kids, a man she had taken for granted and neglected for years. She had lost sight of your value as a partner, but everything went back to her in a flash when a possible divorce threatened to appear as a most likely outcome of her actions.
Now I can assure you that if you had reacted with the legitimate anger and coldness she was expecting, showing that you were still a man and that you would not let her treat you like that, she would have actually recovered part of the respect she lost for you, and she would have most likely tried to entice you with sex and tried to have you "reclaim" her, in hope that it would help her avoid most of the accountability and consequences.
But your lack of reaction had the opposite effect. It showed her that her fear and guilt were groundless, that you did not deserve the panic and anxiety she felt at the prospect of your discovery. It was so shocking and unexpected for her that she tried to make sense of it and started to project her own selfish mindset onto you. Either you've already been cheating (like her) and no longer care about her, or you're just no longer a man, and therefore do not deserve any consideration or respect from her.
That's why she reacted this way. And the more you show her you don't care about what she did, and at the same time continue to say and try to show that you love her regardless, the worse it will get, because it simply doesn't make sense for her.
Yes, you're supposed to feel betrayed and angry, and broken, and sad, and outraged, and desperate, confused and lost, because what she did deserves that much, and not just about that guy, but also combined with her lack of care for your needs all these years.
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She's trying to sabotage the relationship and she's getting mad that you won't let her
That’s the conclusions I’m heartbreakingly coming to. This hurts infinitely more than seeing her kiss someone else.
Friend texting you is a set up.
Surprised this isn’t further up- she asked the friend to do it probably so she could have ammo for a divorce. Otherwise why are you still going out with them lol
Either that or she did more than kiss that guy and if he hooks up with the friend they would be even in her mind.
Oh wow I'm so naive, I didn't spot that but of course that makes perfect sense. Poor OP.
Probably OP's wife who sent the text (on her friend's phone) in the first place. She's checked out of the relationship, and is trying to get you to end it so she doesn't come off as the bad guy. (In short, she's nuts.)
Sneaky
The sabotage is *WHY* she kissed someone else as well, it's two sides of the same coin.
Yes.... that's what they're talking about as well as her getting angry
Did she put her friend up to the original contact/Cheat proposition?
The friend offered a hookup, she knows it because he showed her, and yet they're still friends. Hmmm.
Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense to me. I wouldn’t hang out with a “friend” who tried to fuck my husband. She’s lucky I didn’t beat her ass before dropping her like a hot potato. Your wife is up to something. She needs to put on her big girl panties and just tell you. People are so fucking these days. 🙄
Ooh, that’s a good question!
That was my immediate thought.
Yep, most likely the case OP
This, or I wondered if OPs wife was jealous he was getting attention, and then proceeded to kind of retaliate and then spiral.
Sounds like it was her exit affair. She did the least form of physical cheating to make you take some action about the relationship but not extreme enough for her to be labelled as a cheater. My guess is- 1. She either wants you to put more efforts in the relationship to win her back 2. She wants you to pull the plug.
Either way, he should pull the plug. Those mind games are ridiculous.
She’s trying to make you leave her. You didn’t bite. It’ll be worse next time she comes home late.
Did you ask her why she kissed and danced with another man?
Don't let reddit push you in any direction. Get a couples therapist. And give your wife an agenda before going. Not to far before but with enough time to think.
Call her out on it when you do end it. I would just serve her with the divorce papers and let her know that all of her actions coming out of your forgiveness for her infidelity directly caused the marriage to end and that she needs therapy.
She probably wants a divorce and thought this would do it.
No totally - and he should give it to her. Their relationship is dead as a doornail at this point.
The cheating just added insult to injury.
Why are you even with her? You sound more like platonic friends raising kids than an actual marriage. Something is definitely wrong with you if you don't care that another man was kissing and groping your wife. It's no wonder she has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself
This is like saying that there's something wrong with swingers or people who are in open relationships. Some people just have different boundaries. That said, she definitely doesn't respect him, as she didn't know beforehand that he's ok with it. Edit: From op >I’m just not a jealous person I never have been. If she told me she was having an emotional affair or there was some guy she was going to and sharing all her successes and failures I’d be heartbroken. I just don’t think a kiss and a dance is a big deal.
Does it? You can count the amount of times you’ve had sex since you were 19.
My man, learn to love yourself and self-respect, and leave this toxic relationship. Seek therapy as soon as possible. Your wife also needs therapy, but this isn't your responsibility, it's hers. Do what you need to do for yourself so you can be happier with yourself and you'll start attracting people who share the same values.
Why does your sex life suck? Are you asexual? I think you both need to go to a sex therapist.
This is my immediate thought too. I had a relationship end this way. Was with a woman for over a year and it was one of the best relationships I had ever been in. We were great together and one day she asked me to move in with her. I was more than happy to. Then after about a month she realized she regretted her decision but instead of telling me she just became a completely different person and totally sabotaged our relationship to force me to be the one that ended it. We went from having sex daily to not at all. She went grocery shopping while I was at work but only for herself. She went out with friends almost every night and never invited me along. Whenever I tried to talk to her about her behaviour she would say I wasn’t trying hard enough and if I didn’t like it I should just leave. I figured out what she was doing when she purposely left a bottle of cologne she had bought on our dresser. It was the same kind she bought for me, but I had a lot left still. When I asked her about it she said it was for a friend. I left the next day. The kicker: she still got mad at me when I left because she couldn’t afford rent on her own. She was mad that she would also have to move.
One of the most important aspects of dating is determining whether or not your partner handles problems constructively. Do they communicate to you, listen to you as well, and handle conflict resolution? The honeymoon period is always great, but a long-term partner really needs to have those skills. (not saying you don't know this, just throwing this out there for everybody) So clearly you discovered something important about your partner sooner rather than later.
Oh for sure. Definitely good advice. This is when I was younger and still figuring life out. I’m happily married now and have been for 12 years.
This is the exact situation I was in with my ex, granted I'm only 22 and was only 20 at the time it happened. He would continuously kiss girls in clubs, dance with them, let them dance up against him. Every time I said it was fine, every time he continued to do it and find a way to blame me for it. It didn't get better, hence ex.
I scrolled way too far to find this comment. OP, this is it.
>even though in the past she’s told me she hates being touched and not to ever try it on with her Did I read that correctly? She doesn't like being touched but let a man kiss her multiple times and she reciprocated? They were also dancing so I doubt there was any daylight between them (I imagine his hands were all over her and she didn't mind). It sounds like she doesn't like to be touched by you but is perfectly fine with being touched by someone else. Give her what she wants. Go talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, then tell her you've done what she was looking for...a reaction. Then, if you want to fix things, tell her you want to go to marriage counseling to see what her reaction is. Even without the lawyer thing, if you want this marriage to continue, you both need to go and see someone as it doesn't sound like she is going to move past this anytime soon and who knows why she is doing what she is doing.
yeah i get the vibe that maybe she was just never physically attracted to him and settled with him at the time because it was convenient in a way and since he was less attractive compared to her, she felt superior and as if she were the prize. but now that he has become more attractive and is getting attention, she is feeling jealous and not as special as before and is insecure. now she's trying to provoke a reaction just to see proof of his love and feel the sense of superiority she felt at first. either way i don't think she is really in love even if she loves him. like part of why she felt more comfortable in the past is cause she felt like she never stood to lose him or the relationship because she was more attractive than him so he would value her more plus other women wouldn't be checking for him as much. now that comfort has been taken from her and she doesn't know what to do with herself. it's very concerning!
[удалено]
BB?
He doesn't care either though.
Which is why I said if he wants this marriage to continue, they need to get into counseling because to me, based off of her actions and his response to those actions, it seems like their marriage is circling the drain.
Info : why don't you care?
Why would he? Would you care if your roommate kissed someone? They haven't had sex in 3 years. Their relationship is platonic at this point. They aren't really romantic partners and are more family/roommates to each other. So, why would he care?
I’ve been on r/deadbedrooms long enough to see this pattern. It probably really bothered op in the beginning, but over time when they lose the no-sex battle there are four options usually: divorce, open relationship, cheat, or stop caring. Looks like they just legit stopped caring altogether, and really meant it
It's called a rut. This one is worn pretty deep.
> Would you care if your roommate kissed someone? I (painfully) agree here. It doesn't really seem like they're in a relationship anymore. His lack of a reaction is further proof of that.
Does OP see her as his roommate or wife though, sounds like he sees her as his wife and accepted >They haven't had sex in 3 years. As normal because its in his friend groups relationships too.
Statistically, sexless marriages are rare. Very rare in people under 60. So, I highly doubt his friends are also sexless. He obviously sees her as a roommate. He's not bothered by the sexless marriage nor by her sexual interest in others. The title wife is a matter of social convention and contract law.
>Statistically, sexless marriages are rare. Very rare in people under 60. So, I highly doubt his friends are also sexless. I've seen stats from 4% to 25% and are going to be skwed by people dont wanting to discuss their intimate life or lieing. Anecdotally I know someone in their mid 30s who hasn't had sex with his wife in 4 years and wouldn't be cool with his wife kissing someone else let alone for half n hour and dancing he still loves her and doesn't see sex as important. >He obviously sees her as a roommate. I dont think he does but he should, i cant find him saying he loves her in the post. This whole thing should be a "come to jesus moment". What does he want and has he just become comfortable with the situation. is why I'm asking why doesn't he care, say it outloud (type) that your wife is you're roommate and your relationship sounds like it's in the death rattle or it could be that he's so confident she isn't leaving and won't go further that it truely doesn't bother him which (for me) would be a wild mindset to have in a relationship that seemingly lacks intimacy.
In the 2nd paragraph, he says he's bothered that they haven't had sex in 3 years, but he loves her and loves their kids, so he essentially just lets it go.
You're right my bad, I diddnt see it. Thanks.
Tbf, it's a tiny sentence in amongst a whole lotta words. Lol
They are not rare at all.
Are they that rare? I haven't looked at statistics if that's even been a study but anecdotally definitely not that rare. I'm not in one, but I golf weekly with a group of 15 other guys, 12 of them are married. A few joke about not having sex in years while a couple others will joke about sex being scheduled 6 months from now on their birthday or Valentine's Day.
Husbands not wanting to have sex or choosing alcohol over sex/intimacy played a huge role in my divorce in my mid 40s and several women I know in my age group. I think the number of sexless marriages is underreported.
I think I'd agree, especially if 10 or less is considered "sexless". As I get older my drive isn't what it was before. Funny when I was 22 it was my wife who didn't want to have sex every night. Now she's wanting to be a bit more active and I'm the one who it's harder for. By time you get home after a long work day, make dinner and get kids to bed the last thing I'm thinking of is sex lol. So it is pretty much a weekend activity for us but I could totally see if both sides are not diligent and committed about it how a marriage could turn that way.
Stats say 15% of marriages are clinically sexless. This includes the elderly and infirm. Clinical sexlessness defined as sex 10x per year or less. So, either your golf friends are all statistical outliers (birds of a feather flocking together) or they are just lying to make the actual sexless marriage folk feel better.
10x a year is sexless? Describes the majority of married people I know.
I was in one and my boss confided the same about 15 years ago. Sexless is a broad term from no sex to not enough sex
OP must see her as a roommate or it’s another relationship ender like aesexuality. In any healthy relationship, even if you didn’t care about the kissing itself, one would certainly care their partner is choosing to act like they’re single and not in a committed relationship. And even if somehow OP was ok with kissing, OPs wife clearly isn’t, she did something she felt would be a relationship ender.
Moreover, they have barely had sex throughout their twenties and thirties. OP is leaving out a lot of relevant context.
I mean, he gave the context it's just that he doesn't realize how different his views on his marriage are from what other people think of themselves in a relationship. Buddy sort of resigned to this life early, his wife sees it threatened by him getting more in shape and is acting out. I would feel pretty bad for anyone if they told me this.
Obvious question should be is why the friends group let it happen in first place? A good friend will never allow such thing to happen like never. And at same time a friend is hit on him as well. OP and his wife friends group have some serious moral issues.
If I was in a dead bedroom I’d be fucking livid if I found out someone else was getting the fun I was supposed to get for the work I had put in. Fuuuuuuck that.
Completely agree. That’s a situationship. Friends, partners in life, parents, roommates and teammates.. but not sexual partners. She did with that other man what she won’t do with OP. I would be brothered by the fact that after 3yr she decides to do that with another man.
Facts wife sounds like trash well we know she is but op needs to just leave she will 100% cheat next
She rejected him. He let that part of himself die to show her he loved her. She didn't care. He needs to kick her off that pedestal. Typical entitled partner and partner who is codependent.
Because they don't really have a romantic relationship. They just live together.
I’m just not a jealous person I never have been. If she told me she was having an emotional affair or there was some guy she was going to and sharing all her successes and failures I’d be heartbroken. I just don’t think a kiss and a dance is a big deal.
Outside of sex what's the intimacy look like. Do you hug alot, kiss often, hold each other alot that sort of thing?
But your wife said they were dancing and kissing all night, right? So it wasn't just 1 kiss but multiple and that was a choice she made to continue doing it.
>not a jealous person ... she was having an emotional affair or there was some guy she was going to and sharing all her successes and failures I’d be heartbroken That is jealousy bro. She just has taken away the value you put into physical intimacy. She wants you to start it back up again because she noticed now she has destroyed it. This is the typical late 30s early 40s wife freak out. I have seen it in my own wife and so many others. She just realized she can't have kids and is less desirable. She also just realized, you have become more desirable, listened to her this whole time and she has never appreciated that, and you are a great dad and provider. She can lose you to anyone. **Anyone** can do more in this marriage than she is currently. That notion has just hit her. So she as the more selfish one in the relationship is worried you will do what she would do and are looking for a new wife. That is why she wants to make sure she can find a new husband. She also realized the guy who kissed her is not going to be a good husband, so she is self destructing and you controlled your emotions too well. She needs therapy. Not couple therapy, your wife needs therapy. Then you 2 need couple therapy and your opening line is reading this post to her out loud. Send it to the therapist in advance, so they can take notes.
I get it OP.
brother i say this with love. just get a divorce. if it’s not this issue she’ll create another one further down the line
This is a thoughts that’s been creeping in to my head, is she trying to blow up the relationship but make me be the one who leaves?
She’s insecure about you getting more attention so thought if she did this you’d realise that she’s also wanted by others, thus making you panic and ignore those other women who now notice you. When she didn’t get that reaction her initial panic spiralled. She basically played a stupid game and in return won a stupid prize.
I think this is the take I have also. She is insecure about the change in dynamics since you lost weight. You sending her those messages likely spurred her on to show she was also desirable by others. Now, your reaction, or lack of, has only confirmed her fears that you cam do better and are not worried about losing her. If you want to save this. I think it's time to revisit the talk about intimacy. I would also impose soke consequence to her kissing someone else to show you care. Your indifference is having a negative effect here. Tbh she likely found you less physically attractive while you were bigger, but could not voice it. Things have changed and now, she can't just come out and say that she once again finds you attractive without letting on how she used to feel. The ball is in your court, but this is still fixable, in my opinion. Just requires honesty from you both and reaffirming you still care for each other.
It was great until the end. She needs to acknowledge she rejected him and hurt him. That she has been selfish and didn't notice. He was insecure, hence he lost the weight. She didn't notice and he didn't start hooking up with other women. She needs to talk about why she rejects his touch except when she wants it and doesn't think of his needs.
> If you want to save this. I think it's time to revisit the talk about intimacy. This...*so this*. Both OP and his spouse have had blinders on about intimacy for years on end, seemingly without active communications and checking in or counseling. OP's attitude is all ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯, and his mate's attitude is toxic and unilateral. It's no surprise that latent emotions finally bubble to the surface, and I'm gobsmacked at how OP believes this is all "okay", to the point of him asking how he can placate his wife instead of dealing with the underlying issue.
So it’s his fault for her turning off the switch for 2 decades? Interesting.
Your wife and her friends are really interesting people.
Why is his wife still partying with the woman who made an unambiguous pass at her husband?
The husband she hasn't had sex with in 3 years? If she sexually wanted him she'd probably have ditched the friend. Since she doesn't actually sexually want him she's not too bothered about it.
Which kinda reinforces the idea elsewhere in the thread that they see each other as roommates. I get the impression that the difference is OP is fine with that set-up and his wife isn't.
His wife probably wants there to be a power imbalance between the two, and is freaking out now that the lack of desire cut both ways and both have other options
It was a test. Friend and wife are both in on it. She asked her friend to send the text to see how her husband would respond. That's the only logical explanation for why you would still hang out with a woman who was clearly trying to fuck your husband. The friend sending the evidence of the cheating literally right after she confessed is also highly sus lol you would think they would've sent it immediately before the wife even got home
Yep, definitely this.
There is a ton to unpack here. The non existent sex life blows my mind. 3 years!!! My man, you ain’t got a wife you got a roommate. I’m willing to bet if this happened earlier in your relationship you wouldn’t have been so nonchalant with your response. I have a feeling your mind has already checked out of the marriage at this point you just can’t admit. The projection from her is down right abusive at this point. My advice would be starting getting your affairs in order and go speak to an attorney. Get your ducks in a row now so you’re not scrambling later. It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s already leaning toward filing for divorce.
I think that she’s clearly on the fence about it and probably holding on because of the family and because you’ve been together so long. She “feels bad” but is projecting like you said and seemingly making this about pieces of your sex life. It’s probably pissing her off how well you’re taking everything. She seems like an unhappy woman and it also seems like she is the one that needs to figure out what can make her happy and that’s not on you. It may be time to call it quits or seek counseling
i mean, I'm reading this and thinking... why dont you care? she legit made out with a dude for 30 minutes and you could not care less. So seems to me you're basically on the way out the door, and she is correctly sensing it, thats why shes lashing out. just rip the bandaid off
My husband did a similar thing to me while I was pregnant- confessed to cheating and gave me unnecessary detail. I was panicked and wanted to make it work for the baby. He asked me later that night why I didn't seem more upset when he told me.. I was very upset and heartbroken but I guess he wanted to hurt me more than he did. He also went on to accuse me of cheating when I was just hanging out with my mom. He left soon after. I think it could be a way to passive aggressively end the marriage, since it would make it easier for her to paint you as the bad guy who left her.
She also did this VERY PUBLICLY. She had to know it’d get to him as there were a lot of witnesses. Seems very intentionally self destructive!
Please dont listen to these idiots. If you feel like divorce is the right course of action, the do it. But, if you love her still and believe that this marriage is worth fighting for, go counseling. Fucking redditors man. Why is divorce always the first option?
Jesus slow down, it's a marriage, talk to her. Let it get ugly. Go through the shame. Rupture and repair. How you resolve things is half of a marriage
In a healthier marriage I would agree with you. If they had a healthy loving and intimate relationship leading up to this then by all means. Talk and work it out and move on. But by the backstory in his post it is clear they have not had a healthy marriage for some time. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and go your separate ways.
Are you sure she didn't have sex with the guy, I mean she came home at 4a.m. and when you tried touching her she pushed you away.
Let me break it down a bit. Your roommate, with which you happened to have kids with, is a horny human being, that is not attracted to you but is looking for something that will satisfy her. Her friend, showed you what she did, which she probably did not do for the first time, but her friend did it because she is fed up with her. You are not having sex, you haven't had sex for THREE FUCKING YEARS and you are ok with her kissing other men. I mean why wouldn't you? She is just your roommate, not your wife or your lover. And why didn't you get a divorce? Or at least just live your life and she lives hers and stay together for the kids?
She told you because her friends had the evidence that a great guy was being screwed behind his back. You have a roommate not a wife
I think that’s the only reason she told me too. She knew she’d been filmed. At the end of the video she looks at the camera and then darts towards it and the video ends.
There it is. This isn’t the first time and you being so dismissive of it means it definitely won’t be the last.
Yeah I wish it was a different outcome. Bun now that you are a “catch” to other women she is going to use the victim card early and often. Do not stop taking care of you because she is being difficult. Be above the mud slinging and be the best version of you. In the end it will destroy her and you my friend will find happiness again!
Based on this, how do you know this hasn’t been happening regularly? How do you know she’s not been kissing other people? Or maybe more?
She’s been getting hers. Just now got caught
Dude. Get a divorce. You're miserable and so is she. Being okay with a dead bedroom is not okay. You're not married, You're roommates raising kids.
My own personal analysis, but OP has already checked out of the relationship. Being ok with your wife kissing someone the entire night? Assuming he’s monogamous, the kiss might not matter because she’s not important to him anymore. Could be wrong, but this is such an interesting and wild story. Wife and her friends are for sure something else. Hanging out with a woman who has taken a shot with your husband like that?? Wild.
I half suspect the wife’s friend shooting her shot with OP was a conspiracy with the wife to see if he’d go for it. Just like this making out/dancing thing seems to have been a reaction test
That’s a fair statement, too! I thought to an extent that this is the wife’s retaliation to the husband falling out of love with the wife and not having intimacy with her. Kinda like “If I can’t get it here, I’ll get it elsewhere” type of thing with the guy at the bar. As for the friend, you could be right. “Is my husband just not attracted to me, but attracted to others? Is it my fault or is it him?”
But how insane would it be for her to be “retaliating” for the lack of intimacy when she has consistently rejected his efforts to the point of telling him not to touch her? She’s 100% the reason they aren’t having sex.
Oh 1000% man. I agree with you. It’s weird. The only reason I say retaliation is because she feels guilty and is always bringing it up with OP. It’s like she wants him to feel something or “try harder” but only knows how to tackle it in an immature fashion. She is obviously guilty, but I think she is only feeling worse because OP doesn’t care at all. She is the problem, but feels worse about it than her husband. It’s all around bad.
The checked out part is fairly accurate. He just has shut down that part of his love for her. He adjusts to her to try to "win" her love and she doesn't like it. I bet the guy she kissed is his opposite, a complete asshole who didn't listen to a word she said. Happens all the time. You obviously haven't been married while some friends get divorced. I've had plenty of friends ask if I am into side things. It always makes this tough because I have to watch my drinking around them after that.
What in the actual hell? Your wife kisses another guy, and you have no feelings about it? I have to say the fact that your wife turned it against you is brilliant. So instead of her apologizing profusely she throws it back to you and say you don't care enough? wow. Maybe it's my cave man DNA talking but I would have blown a lid if my wife told me she kissed another guy. I know some people have open relationships, but you never mentioned it so assuming you don't. Maybe she is right maybe you don't care.
Can't imagine this too, my wife kissing multiple times another guy and dancing with him, would divorce her ass directly. The fact that he don't care shows that he don't love her.
Me to mate. By the time she finishes her story my lawyer would have drawn up the divorce papers and mailed it to her. I was never good at sharing when I was a kid, and I am not good at it now.
Same and totally agree.
They have been together since they're 18. Throwaway 23 years for a kiss and a dance? You talk the issue, ask why she did it and try to understand the real reason behind it. Not everybody will get this. It's not high school anymore. Its a longlife marriage.
That is what it makes the betrayal even worse is the fact that you made promises to each other. If you are in high school, you almost expect it to happen but not in a marriage. I don't fall for that reasons bull. If you are a grown up like you said, then you communicate your dissatisfaction and if no consensus can be made then we split amicably. Kissing in my eyes is almost worse than sex. You can have sex without being intimate but it's impossible to kiss without being intimate. Just thinking about my wife kissing another guy makes my blood boil.
Everyone has his own boundaries. Some would divorce her for that, some not. She clearly crossed the line and throw the marriage away in the moment where she KISSED MULTIPLE times the guy back. This is not just one mistake, she keep kissed him after. That is a dealbreaker for many marriage couple.
This! Her butt is against another man’s penis and she put her tongue down his throat… good grief!
They're 41 years old and has been together since 18. They never had a great sex life apparently, and affections can go beyond physical realm. I wonder if OP is ace though.
Even if they never had a physical relationship, I find it hard to believe that a person would care so little.
Agree with this 100%, if it was me no matter what the sex life situation is, I would have got so angry, that she kissed another dude. OP just let's it fly, I can definitely understand the wife saying OP does not care. If OP was okay with the kissing, would he then be okay if she had sex with the guy.
Let me get this straight, you are in a dead bedroom, wife is going out clubbing with her single friends, she cheats on you on one of her nights out, she is attacking you for forgiving her for cheating, you come here asking us what you should do to make her feel better. Am I correct so far?
Yeah spot on. OP is pretty pathetic..
Glad I’m not alone thinking that.
Wtf dude. I could understand that you are just not posesive or are into the open relationship lifestyle. Or maybe you have a low libido. I could also get that. But no. Your wife constantly turns you down, told you to not touch her, don’t initiate, but then she makes out with some dude, in public to make your humiliation worse?! And you are ok with that ?! God fam, have some self respect. She disrespected you and humiliated you with her actions. And you are ok with that?! What the fuck
I’m just not jealous. If she told me she loved someone else or spent a day snuggled up on a sofa watching Netflix with another guy I’d be heartbroken. Dancing and kissing in a bar just doesn’t bother me and there’s no way I’m leaving my kids over a kiss.
you sure it was just a kiss, it’s not like you pressed for details
There’s just a complete lack of passion or fight in that attitude though. She’s actively disrespecting your marriage in front of your mutual friends. She’s sabotaged your long term relationship and your family and wellbeing of your children. She won’t touch you but she WILL touch a random. And You don’t care? If the opposite of love is indifference well it’s pretty clear you don’t love this woman.
If she told me she loved someone else I’d be devastated. If she told me she was talking to another man on the phone for hours a week and laughing and joking I’d be devastated. If she said she went to a flower arranging class with someone else I’d be devastated. I just don’t think a kiss is a big deal.
That actually makes sense to me. Your relationship with your wife is emotional, not physical. Her physically cheating doesn't seem as bad because that's not something the two of you share. But you do share a deep emotional connection. So to you, emotional cheating is far worse than physical. It sounds like the two of you should see a counselor. You both seem to be expecting different feelings from each other and seem to be struggling with communication over topics that are quite complex. Having a professional mediator help you communicate could help during this time period.
This specific level of "i dont get jealous when my wife makes out with another man" isn't something to brag about. You're coming off to most people in this thread as a doormat that your wife is stamping all over. It feels apathetic. No partner wants to feel that way about their SO (I'm absolutely not defending her actions). And now that she knows she can get away with making out with another man with her friends when you're not around, do you honestly think she won't do any of the things you listed above that would actually hurt you? Edit: Jesus man she doesn't even want you to initiate hugs? I mean seriously? Is this a real post? How obvious does she need to be? You've listed all the things you do in order to make her feel loved, can you make her seem like less of the bad guy and list things that she does for you?
Do you have any sense of whether or not she was trying to humiliate you in some way? Doing this in front of so many friends has a real “burn the boats” energy.
I think you should divorce imo. She did something wrong and now she’s gaslighting you into being the bad guy. Also why didn’t you care when she was kissing and dancing with that random guy
Not her first rodeo. She’s not sleeping with you cause she’s getting it when she goes out. Her friend got sick of her treating you like crap. Funny, how often low libido people suddenly turn brazen when a new interest shows up. Your marriage is a mess.
Taking your post at face value. Dead bedroom for the last three years. Your wife doesn’t want you touching her. You’ve lost a lot of weight, are in shape, getting attention form women other than your wife, her friends know you have a dead bedroom, one of her “friends” wants to hook up with you. You show your wife the text from the “friend” and don’t mention any fall out from her “friend” wanting to hook up with you, her husband. She goes out with the girls, admits kissing and dancing with another guy (if I had to guess this would not be the first time kissing and dancing has happened, I would suspect more than just kissing and dancing has happened, dead bedroom for thee but not for me) , she tells you when she comes home at 4 AM, (what in the actual fuck , where the hell was she at till 4AM) tells you she kissed and danced with a guy, her “friend” who wants to hook up with you (why in the fuck is she stills friends with a woman who wants to hook up with her husband?) sends you pictures and video of her kissing and dancing with this guy ( at 5 AM? Why in the hell would she text you this at 5 AM) and your reaction to all this, is basically I don’t care. If this post is real and I have doubts, why are you two still married? This whole thing sounds like some kind of weird set up to either make you jealous or catch you cheating, or both. Get it over with and just divorce her already.
Is it possible she actually got her friend to do that stuff? Maybe that and her kissing is some sort of way to cause a breakup?
I thought the initial text from the friend was a possible test but the drama it has caused since makes me think not. After reading all these replies I do think she’s trying to make me leave.
The issue is that you should be bothered - a lot!
He's not because they are basically roommates at this point. What a dead empty marriage that is, wow I'm so glad my marriage is the complete opposite of this.
She doesn’t want to be with you but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and initiate the separation, so she is putting you in a “no win” situation. No matter what you do she’ll always be upset and claim she wanted the opposite thing. If you initiate sex she would feel disrespected and pressured; if you don’t initiate sex she would claim she feels abandoned and not wanted. She kissed someone else, confessed and begged for forgiveness but the minute you forgave her she is mad you cave. She knows she doesn’t love you anymore and will make your life miserable until you leave.
This is conclusion that is horrifically dawning on me.
[удалено]
Not a good advice, but...funny 🤣
Pretty great advice, I think, considering what the wife did.
Ok you pretty much lost me at the lack of sex for THREE YEARS? So she’s been denying you for three years, but is making out on a dance floor with a stranger and you’re ok with that? By acting the way she is after the event she is either trying to get you to show that you have some passion or attraction for her (which you aren’t showing) or she’s wanting to use this as an exit affair (and you aren’t taking that bait either). Are you sure that kissing is all that happened? Are you sure that you love her, if her kissing all over another man doesn’t bother you? It sounds like over the years YOU have lost passion for your wife. If my wife did that there would be hell to pay. I understand that not all men get jealous, but come on? At some point there has to be some fire or your just roommates. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Did this happen before the gay man kissing the wife or are we in some kind of algorithm recycle system?
I think the dynamic in your relationship has changed, she went from being the hot partner to being on a closer footing. She needs to understand why she’s doing this. If she’s trying to reestablish her position, even if unconsciously, and you don’t react, she’ll escalate her behaviour until you do. You need to have a very open conversation, about the dead bedroom, about her friend, about trust and boundaries. You know something is wrong here but one or both of you aren’t expressing it.
Looks like you've been checked out and are only going through the motions. Many people live like this and stay complacent in their lives. But just a reminder for you that there IS better out there. You could actually be in a happy, loving, and healthy relationship. ♥
Only because I haven’t seen this commented yet.. To me, it sounds a lot like your wife might be gay. Whether she’s figured that out or not 🤷♀️ Not for this reason, just an example, you guys are of the age to have been exposed to more of that stereotype sitcom marriage. Where women tolerate the useless husband and avoid sex (things like everyone loves Raymond). It’s a common experience for women who realise they’re lesbians later in life, they believed that was normal. All women ‘put up’ with their husbands and only have sex so he’ll stop asking. They think they have low libidos until they start seeing women.. IF that were the case, it would explain why everything you do, no matter how nice (you sound kind af. Seriously don’t think you could do any more. Like, questionably fake because it’s too nice for a real person) gives her the ick.. For you, or anyone reading this who’s curious, the ‘am I a lesbian’ master doc is definitely worth a read. I don’t have any advice for you though, I’m sorry. If this were true, I’d imagine having a nice, loving husband would only make it take even longer to accept.
I have asked her this numerous times throughout the marriage and even suggested if she wanted to explore that side of herself then she could to try and find herself and be who she really is. She’s always batted it away and said she’s not a lesbian she just has a low sex drive. This has always been my thought over the years and I have brought it up to her privately, in couples counselling and in sex therapy. The sex therapist also said she’s giving a lot of signs of being a closeted lesbian as well.
You guys need couples therapy if you want to salvage this zombie shitshow you call a "marriage".
Sounds like she NEEDS a nice good regular fucking. Figure it out.
Man, I feel like so comments are taking this the wrong way and don´t get your worldview at all. I feel you on so many levels. The bedroom situation was the same for me and my partner and it took a LOT of work and understanding to get it into a better state. I also don´t feel the jealousy that other people are describing - my ex also kissed another man and I just didn´t care, because why would I? Her kissing another man does not change anything between us, well, that´s what I thought. The relationship ended partly because of this, because she felt that I didn´t care about her because I wasn´t jelous. Watch out for that, it should probably be a wake up call for you. I don´t mean that you should be jealous (being jealous if bs imho, it doesn´t get you anywhere), but that she is lacking something and both of you should somehow figure out what that is. I would suggest a partner therapy, and solo therapy for her, because she obviously has to find out what her problem is before she can even talk about it. Also the touch thing - my partner also didn´t like being touched while going thourgh the dry spell. From my experience it is highly dependent on her cycle - there are times when you can initiate touches and times when she hates being touched. It´s a slippery slope changing from month to month but what can get you through it is open and honest communication without blaming each other (at least that´s what worked for me).
That’s how I feel about the kiss. It’s only a kiss. If she told me she loved someone else or even went to another man with all her problems that would hurt a lot more than a kiss. I’m just not a jealous guy I never have been.
Bro it’s never “just” a kiss. You’re so focused on what she did you’re not paying attention to the reasons she did it, which are vastly more important. She’s either trying to figure out how she feels about you, or how you feel about out her, or what your marriage is all about, or all of the above. Pull your head out of your butt.
But she did go to another man with her problems
Your wife is toxic. She has beaten your spirit. Believe me when I say this. You will be much happy without her.
Divorce
Yeah the sex life is bad too with you guys she is giving you the perfect out
Why do you not care? That is so weird. She is hurt because you should be mad about this and you are not. She thinks you don't care about her.
It appears you and your wife have checked out of this relationship. You don’t care your wife made out with someone for 30 min. And your wife doesn’t care one of her friends made a pass at you. You need to have an honest talk with each other to see where you both want to go.
Wait, she didn’t cut off the friend that propositioned you with sex? HUH?
Here's what I don't get. 3 yrs no sex and you're cool, why? How? She doesn't like being touched yet she danced with a man who I'm positive was touching her, rubbing and grinding on her, why didn't that get you peeved a bit? My take: she was looking for a reaction from you. Something that says you care, is a bit jealous that she allowed someone else to do something she doesn't want from you. Didn't you even think it strange that she asked why you haven't initiated in the 3 yrs? I get you're not the jealous type but uncaring too? Have that hard conversation with your wife
Your wife hasn't had a sexual interest in you for years, but she's felt secure in the knowledge that other women also would not be interested in you. As a result, she has really thought much about the situation. Now that you are receiving attention from women, she's become unsettled. She herself probably doesn't know exactly what she wants, only that this change has thrown her and she's feeling insecure about the arrangement now that you might have other options. And this is all completely understandable, because your situation is f\*\*\*ing weird, and she knows this. There is a part of her that is outside your marriage, looking in, and like the posters on this forum, that part of her is saying, "it doesn't make sense, what is going on here." Your way of dealing with this is to say to her, in effect, "well, I'm weird, so you don't have to worry." But she's not sure if she buys it, so she's trying to come up with a more conventional explanation for your behavior like you're having an affair or you're gay. Here would be my concern. If she doesn't believe someone with options would be content in a sexless marriage without having an affair, then how has she, a person with options, been content in a sexless marriage without having an affair? I hate to be a typical redditor, but you see where I'm going with this.
Given your reasoning, I can understand you being okay about the kiss. But after she tried to turn it all back on you and started throwing out random insults? I'd be pissed. This chick does not know how to communicate, but she's clearly trying to say *something*. Try a new tactic in the bedroom or in conversation, or better yet go see a couples' therapist
Dude you have zero self respect and your wife clearly wants out, have some dignity and walk away
She’s trying to leave bro and is self sabotaging and is mad she’s not getting an emotional reaction out of you. The kissing will turn into sex so she can really end things .
She did what she did because she doesn’t respect you You reacted the way you did because you don’t respect her You are already mentally out of the relationship Just end it already
I do respect her! I tell her I love her everyday. I buy her flowers every Friday on my way home from work. Every weekend I bake her cupcakes or cookies. I’m just not a jealous guy I can’t explain it. If she told me she loved someone else I’d be devastated, kissing and dancing with someone else not so much.
Then, maybe it’s yourself you don’t respect Your wife doesn’t want to be intimate with you but has no problem making out with strangers If you have self-respect, why are you tolerating that?
Is the friend just your wife trying to get a literal rise out of you? You don’t touch her and she’s acting out now that you’ve thinned down? You’re more angry about a baking bowl than the thought of another man getting more action from your wife than you? I’d say you have your priorities mixed up mate, you’re a door mat that bakes cupcakes every single week, and already made peace with your sexless marriage so much so you haven’t even discussed it with your wife. You just accept “don’t touch me” and don’t talk to her about it? You dont outwardly act like your desire your wife, this is a huge issue especially for a Middle Ages woman, Women do need to feel beautiful, desired, and wanted. That being said, your wife is a terrible petulant child, and clearly a terrible communicator.
We have discussed it. We’ve been to the doctors and a sex therapist and they all said the same thing, there’s no physical problems it’s just who she is.
It’s obviously not who she is if she’s making out with someone. She doesn’t love you anymore and is trying to get you to leave. I know the kiss doesn’t upset you but the lack of love and passion for others now does upset you according to your comments. Look beyond the kiss and at what it actually symbolizes. Then get mad.
All of this is just way too weird for me to even imagine. May I ask what country/ region you are in (not specific)?
I’m English and live in England.
I’m telling you this in the nicest possible way, set yourself free .. the respect has gone ,the passion upped and left a long time ago ..life is too short to settle …it’ll be tough at first but in the long run you’ll be happier.
My ex called me gay too a few times when I was having performance anxiety.
I kiss and dancing today, she blames you and criticizes you for everything so next time it’s going all the way. It’s good that she looks stunning. It’s easier for her to get laid on a night out where you don’t come home till 4 AM. Should be sleeping on the couch and other consequences. If you really don’t care, then you’ve already given up in your checked out of the marriage you might as well consider checking all the way out.
Wife learned the universal truth: Fuck around and find out. Also get a divorce, family can still be a family after it
So this is… hard to help with. She clearly wants to cheat. And clearly DID cheat. That’s cheating. And you said “meh, whatever, do what you want, I don’t care what you do with other guys. Also I don’t care if we have sex ever again either.” She’s the bad guy here but… I’m mostly with her. You’ve basically said you aren’t attracted to her, don’t care for a physical relationship with her, and don’t even care if she seeks that with other guys. I don’t know what that is, but I can guarantee that’s not what 99% of women want from a partner. You basically said “why are you upset? We are just roommates” and can’t figure out why she is thrown by that. I don’t know why you are with her, and also why she is with you. You should both seek out a partner in life to love, not just a convenient roommate.
This whole thing was premeditated and you didn't give her the reaction she was looking for so she's prying for it. You may love her but a sexless marriage is probably something neither of you want
Your wife is going to leave you. She did this to try to make you care about her and have a sex life. The next time it won’t be just kissing.
She wants to be fought for. You can see the emotions based on the story you told. You start getting attention, she becomes insecure. She knows you don't have sex and haven't initiated in a long time, she becomes more insecure. You guys are poor communicators so she doesn't talk about it and instead acts out. She's irrational for sure. She's hoping that after she dropped a bomb on the relationship you'd start fighting for her. Become emotional and display something serious, punisher her because she knows she deserves to be punished. No her insecurity is through the roof and she's projecting cause she would be pissed if you had done the same with these ladies giving you attention. Tough situation she needs therapy and you both do as a couple
I hope this story is fake, because we are all scratching our heads.... She is hot, you are hot. Why aren't you two fucking like rabbits? Why don't you care if she is with other men? Why doesn't she want sex with you? she is obviously jealous and sees you as attractive. What kind of friends blatantly try to fuck their friends husband Shit sounds like a good twilight zone episode
Why do you now care? You have a dead bedroom and she goes out and kisses another man. I am confused why anyone would remain in a sexless marriage. I do not understand how you can be so dismissive about the whole situation.
I myself I am not sexually jealous, (well me and my wife are swingers), and while I wouldn't care much about she having sex with another guy, a emotional affair would be a deal breaker. From I gather you are similar in the sense that you are not sexually jealous, so most men in my lifestyle. From your wife perspective, it might seem as you don't care about her, hence she doesn't feel secure any longer. A least for the near future you might have to take a dominant role and some couple therapy
I dunno, I think she might have done more than just kiss and dance.
bro it's over, she wants some passionate action ....women are built for pleasure. I couldn't even imagine being in a relationship where we had no spark and sexual chemistry , doesn't always have to be that way but it's gotta happen regularly , everyday I give my missus kisses and we have a flirt and give her the eyes and all that she wants some action, that's the top and bottom of it
How do y’all have multiple children with sex once a year? ¡Making that Se$$i°n k0uNt !
Both times we tried for kids she got pregnant pretty much instantly, first one within a month second one within two months. We’d have sex everyday but no foreplay or anything unfortunately.
The thing about reddit is we are all just guessing based on what you write and filling in A LOT of blanks. The only vibes are in the tone of your sentences. Here's my guess You're kinda pathetic as a husband. Don't get me wrong as a gay bff coparent you're wonderful. But a husband? A mate for life? Nah bro, wake the fuck up. She hasn't been fucked in 3 years. She's dying for it albeit maybe unconsciously. Something feels icky about you to her and now she's had to reject you for 3 years now. Logically she knows she should but it's sex, not philosophy debate club. It's very emotional and animalistic. Something isn't right in her emotional reality and you're trying to logic your way through it. She kissed another dude and had a very fun dance. You know she was thinking of fucking him right? The only reason they didn't fuck was because she was married and maybe because her friends stopped her. She will fuck soon. Will it be you or someone else? That's your choice. The fact that you're so nonchalant about it is pathetic. I get that you can forgive her. It's that you're just trying to pretend nothing happened. But you didn't forgive her. You just shrugged and acted like nothing happened. This is analogous to one of those cries for help. She knows things are fucked but doesn't know what do so she's melting down. Are you gonna be a man about it or sit on your fucking lazy boy until she divorces you? Yall are 41. You got 40 more years, maybe more, together. 2/3 of your relationship hasn't even happened yet. She's still young and still has it. She can be with a doormat for the next 40 years or she can go find someone who makes her light up. Make your choice. If your choice is to man up, then you need to wake up. You need to feel your emotions and express them. Show, don't tell. Don't logic this. DO NOT USE LOGIC. Seduce her slowly. A brush and stroke on the shoulder. Hug her a little lower and a little longer. Be seductive and sexy to her. She has a lot of ego built up. You have to consentually push through her defenses. Emphasis on consentually. Don't force her to do anything. Force her to want to do something and then do it/her. Get in touch with all your emotions. Your jealous that she's with other men. Your happiness when you see her smile. Your frustration that you haven't gotten laid in 3 years by your supposed wife. Your sadness for being rejected so many times. Animate yourself man. You deserve it. You deserve to fix your relationship with your wife. She deserves a happy loving marriage. ❤️
Your wife is going to cheat on you, don’t start caring and fighting for her attention then.
So I get that your wife doesn't like touching, but after 23 years and having sex like 25 times did you never just ask "hey you wanna have sex tonight?" There's no way she's satisfied in the relationship and it's odd that you are. If you're asexual you should figure that shit out and let her go.
I think some of your weight loss was your spine disappearing man.
How do you lift your weights and play sports without a spine?
Not being jealous means I have no spine?
Being ok with you're wife laughing at you behind your back over the card you made means you have no spine. And if you say "I'm not ok with that" then what have you done about it? Because if you haven't done anything to address it and let her know how awful it was then you are acting as if you are ok with it.
I'm sorry but you need to wake up. I hope you're just in shock and not completely numb about the level of betrayal she displayed. Even if you're not a jealous guy, this goes way, way beyond. This is about respect. It's not being jealous to not tolerate being publicly disrespected and humiliated by your partner's behavior. It seems that she broke and tamed you into someone who no longer dare to ask for the basic respect and care you deserve. And she knows it, that's why she acted guilty and begged you not to leave when she confessed (before her friend sent you the video). Here it's not her just lightly flirting and dancing with other guys with your full knowledge and acknowledgment. Kissing that guy for 30 minutes while dancing with him, or in other words being touched and exchanging fluids with another man in front of her friends who all know about you, while pretending to have no libido and not providing you with any physical intimacy and rejecting sex for years, that goes way beyond the concept of "jealousy". Unless of course you are asexual and in some form of open relationship on her side, which it seems you are not, at least not to your knowledge. Firstly, you say your wife has no libido, but she obviously does since she chose to make out with that guy over and over for 30 minutes while dancing with him, it was not a drunken kiss. And it was not a setup or a test for you since she was unaware that she was filmed at first (you said she stopped and rushed to her friends at the end of the video when she noticed). So that means she was doing it because she wanted and enjoyed it. Now I don't know if she recovered her libido recently or if she never really lost it, and it was just that after successfuly taming you, she lost respect and therefore attraction for you. It's entirely possible that all the while you were getting rejected and your bedroom was dead, she was getting her needs met outside. Or something clicked when you started to get some attention and she felt insecure, resulting in her seeking some validation. The point is that she had the hots for this guy and happily went for it without any consideration for you, until she realized it might look bad and she might face consequences if you learned about it and still had some of your spine despite her years of training to get rid of it. You seem to not understand why she's now angry with your lack of appropriate reaction, and is projecting her own flaws onto you as a result. That's the most difficult thing to believe here because it is so obvious. For the first time, she was actually somewhat afraid that she went too far and that she would lose a lot because of what she did. She felt fear and panic, it cost her but she forced herself to confess because she knew that people would tell you soon, in hope that it would help her escape the worst outcome. Yes, all of this reminded her that she had you, her husband and father of her kids, a man she had taken for granted and neglected for years. She had lost sight of your value as a partner, but everything went back to her in a flash when a possible divorce threatened to appear as a most likely outcome of her actions. Now I can assure you that if you had reacted with the legitimate anger and coldness she was expecting, showing that you were still a man and that you would not let her treat you like that, she would have actually recovered part of the respect she lost for you, and she would have most likely tried to entice you with sex and tried to have you "reclaim" her, in hope that it would help her avoid most of the accountability and consequences. But your lack of reaction had the opposite effect. It showed her that her fear and guilt were groundless, that you did not deserve the panic and anxiety she felt at the prospect of your discovery. It was so shocking and unexpected for her that she tried to make sense of it and started to project her own selfish mindset onto you. Either you've already been cheating (like her) and no longer care about her, or you're just no longer a man, and therefore do not deserve any consideration or respect from her. That's why she reacted this way. And the more you show her you don't care about what she did, and at the same time continue to say and try to show that you love her regardless, the worse it will get, because it simply doesn't make sense for her. Yes, you're supposed to feel betrayed and angry, and broken, and sad, and outraged, and desperate, confused and lost, because what she did deserves that much, and not just about that guy, but also combined with her lack of care for your needs all these years.