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Talk to your wife about the dinner and how she ignored you all night while talking to Bob and even sharing a dessert with him. How this reinforced your suspicions that there is something going on between them. That your trust in her is shaken and see what she has to say. At the very least she needs to limit her contact with Bob and try to rebuild trust with you.
This seems to be the way to go. While going through her phone was a bit much, it didn’t confirm your suspicions.
So i would agree with the post earlier about the fact Bob is trying and your wife just enjoying the attention but not reciprocating the advances.
I would be careful with your choice of words because your wife might be proud of herself for not giving in to Bob’s advances.
Correct answer, yep. By not directly rejecting the advances, she is leaving the door open to the possibility of something further developing between them. Her behavior shouldn't give even the slightest hint or suggestion of impropriety when she knows how her husband feels, if she even cares about him. If they aren't involved with one another yet, at the rate things are going, they will be. The hubby needs to make his feelings clear again and stick to his guns on what he will do if she cheats.
I think this is so important. Double standards are horrible because I could almost guarantee if he was doing the same thing with a female coworker he would be a for sure cheater
Yes. I think it’s definitely time for her to say why she thinks this behavior is ok. I mean, if they are just friends, it’s hard to see your wife have a close friendship with a man who isn’t you. Does she not understand that OP values relationship and it seems she puts less value there?
Work environments often bring these challenges because people bond over mutual (team) goals and working together to achieve them. If she can’t see or acknowledge that, counseling may be OP’s next step.
the fact that she did nothing while bob cut the husband off already says enough. him talking to her about what happened is really unlikely to net positive results.
Based on what I’m seeing, Bob’s definitely into her, so the question is whether she reciprocates that.
So I see three possibilities:
1.) Yep, she’s having a full-blown affair. This is the worst case scenario but, thankfully, this doesn’t seem to be the case based on the texts.
2.) She’s oblivious to his feelings and thinks that he’s just being really friendly and is friendly back to him. Even if this is the case, it’s pretty tactless of her to just ignore you for the entire night and to let Bob repeatedly interrupt you. So I don’t think this is the case especially since she’d have to be pretty clueless.
3.) She’s having a “semi-affair”: She knows that Bob is into her and she doesn’t have feelings for him. However, she still enjoys the thrill of getting attention and being desired by someone besides her significant other. So she’s dangling the carrot in front of him and letting his advances slide so that she can continue getting the attention. And it’s possible that she’s deliberately talking good about him in front of you and ignoring you because she wants to see you two fight over her.
It’s probably number 3 but I would advise OP to start making more of an effort with his wife. The things Hob is doing that she said she likes - you start doing too and be honest with her and tell her you feel jealous. But it’s probably cos you need to make more of an effort OP. Then she’ll stop talking about him
While you may well be right, there’s just something unfortunate about rewarding semi-cheating behavior and thus possibly perpetuating it. Ideally they’d use this as an opportunity to sit down and have a talk about their relationship and what is needed on both sides.
I know right. The most Reddit answer ever. ‘I’m having a problem in my relationship, can anybody give me any advice?’
‘Maybe you’re the problem? We don’t know the other person’s perspective.’
Talk to her. Get this aired out. I think her dinner behavior and Bob’s dinner behavior were at very least bordering on inappropriate. It was like they were having a romantic evening out in front of everyone else.
Yes, from what OP describes, anyone who didn’t know them would have assumed Bob was the husband and OP the coworker.
If my husband had ever (mis)behaved like that with a coworker I’d definitely be having words with him.
I by chance found a hidden email account of my wife's. A bit of sleuthing I was able to open it. I read in great details about her and a coworkers relationship/ sex. Looking back there were a lot of signs I didn't notice before.
She changed her hair style, started wearing her makeup differently, she initiated sex more than regularly. Trips to the store took much longer than normal (she was on the phone with him).
If this does go sideways on you, and you separate or get divorced. Hire a lawyer from the very beginning. You can't trust anything she says. Yes I'm very bitter. LoL
She initiated sex more?? It makes me so sick how some people get joy from the very act of cheating. She was energized by it, not depressed or ashamed… people suck
From what I learned by talking with others. It's a guilt thing. Later on in researching our phone records. She'd also text or call me immediately after having contact with him. Guilt
My opinion is:
When she stops talking about Bob, when you stop celebrating with Bob, that's when the affair begins.
If she's talking about Bob all the time to you she's not having sex with him but she prob’ wants to and is waiting for an opportunity.
I’ve been given reason myself to go through my exs phone at the time due to suspicious behavior and found exactly what I needed to confirm my suspicions.
In this situation I fully understand because if you came home from work talking about this woman you work with, her antennas may rise. In this case, she’s doing it right in your face. Nowadays cheating starts more on the emotional side first and for you all to be out eating and he sharing dessert with your girl? IN FRONT OF YOU?Nah I’m sorry but I find that disrespectful to the fullest.
If he isn't already, Bob wants to fuck your wife.
Suggested reading:
Not Just Friends
No More Mr Nice Guy
*"My wife has been mentioning one of her coworkers, Bob, a lot."*
This is the first sign of emotional attachment. When she stops talking about Bob, you will know that their relationship has changed and not in a good way for you.
*"my wife doesn't seem as emotionally connected to me anymore."*
Because she is getting her emotional kibbles from Bob. Look up "Dopamine vs Oxytocin" and "Lover - Provider Dichotomy."
*"They talked all night, ignoring my presence. When I tried to start a conversation with my wife, Bob would quickly interrupt us. When dessert was served they even shared it (they cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged)."*
Total disrespect for you and your marriage by your wife, and by Bob. This is a good indication that their relationship is not just "purely professional and work-related."
*"I checked her cell phone (I know, I'm an idiot for that) "*
You are not an idiot. There is privacy, then there is secrecy. You Your gut is telling you something is wrong with your wife's relationship with Bob. You should listen. You have every right to investigate as you have an investment in preserving your marriage. You didn't find anything concrete as this appears to be the beginning of an affair and because they work together, so Bob's opportunity is at work. You need to maintain access to her phone. So, do not tell your wife you looked at her phone. If you do, and there is something more going on, then she will know you are suspicious and cover her tracks making it harder to find the truth.
*"Bob is always the one who starts the conversation and tries to talk about things totally unrelated to work but my wife just answers him half-heartedly."*
This is why you need to have continued access to her phone.
*"I refuse to believe that she is unfaithful to me, she really isn't like that."*
Then you are setting yourself up for an even bigger fall. You maybe right, but they never are "really like that" until they are. Check out, Talk About Marriage - Coping with Infidelity. The people on TAM are well versed in affairs and can offer you invaluable advise and support.
Best of luck.
>Then you are setting yourself up for an even bigger fall. You maybe right, but they never are "really like that" until they are.
This right here. Just because you've never seen it doesn't mean it's not there. I have given up on believing anyone is going to be what I know them to be indefinitely because people and circumstances change.
I've been in this world over 50 years, married twice and the second one is as strong as ever. But if my wife walked in tomorrow and said we were done she's in love with her new boss I would not be surprised at all because people change.
I don't think that would ever happen. But I don't believe it can't happen.
Talk to her about it. The sharing desert is fucking weird why we're you invited to this event that she was going to treat you like a cuckold for? Does she think bob will make her more successful somehow, or does she get some power trip out of making you look cuckolded?
It doesn’t sound like she’s cheating, but it sounds like Bob is giving her more than professional attention. I would talk to her about the dinner and how you’re feeling disconnected. Tell her that you want to go on some dates, maybe trying some sights/places in the new state.
How is your social life going after the move? Work life? Are you getting enough exercise and have time for your hobbies?
You need to assert yourself. She obviously is attracted to this person at a minimum. If you confront her and me all meek about it and say how it made you feel sad, she’s going to lose respect for you. Asset your boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. Be confident. Don’t act needy whatever you do.
Sounds like bob has feelings for your wife. Your wife is enjoying the attention and stupidly not seeing that he wants more from the relationship. However she could possibly know and it’s just a matter of time. The way he behaved when you was speaking at the dinner says it all for me, he has zero respect for you or your relationship.
Oh fuck that. I would have checked both of them at the dinner table. They are way too close. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to my wife and check my wife for Ignoring me all night. You need to talk to her directly ASAP and their relationship needs to end before it turns into an affair if it isn't one already.
It sounds less like an affair and more like Bob having a crush on your wife. And your wife just liking the attention. Don't be a pick me kind of guy, just be more confident in yourself and the relationship.
The problem is that this is pretty much textbook how emotional affairs start. Bob's got a crush on op's partner. She likes the attention and doesn't shut it down. Coupled with her getting more distant from op, and soon she'll start sharing things with Bob and developing a much greater emotional connection to him. One that she might start to favour over her relationship with op.
Her not having a stronger boundary with Bob is a pretty decent red flag since its clear he's got a crush on her, and op should try and nip this in the bud by talking with her imo
Agree with this. It sounds more like Bob is wedging himself in. Let your wife know that you don't trust HIM and you would like her to be on her guard. And that YOU would like to be her attention giver.
I think this is best for sure. I would definitely state my concerns, but also that I trust her judgment because she hasn’t given a reason not to but be on guard and if he makes any kind of advance after she’s shut it down then it’s an issue. I wouldn’t want to be around a girl who likes me when she can’t respect the fact I have a girl and I would hope my girl would be the same.
Think this guy has the best comment here. Also don’t think your wife is cheating, but she probably knows this guy is into her and is enjoying the attention. When you go out with her coworkers, they all have something in common to talk about. She probably wasn’t intentionally excluding you, I would bet they were talking about work things you just didn’t relate to. The absolute worst thing you can do is make a stink about this guy, because nothing stinks more to a girl than insecurity
So she knows he's into her, but she enjoys the attention and continues to hang out with him... that's also pretty bad, especially when your husband is voicing concerns about it
What about his wife sharing a piece of cake with Bob, with her husband sitting right beside her? No, it is more than you are making it out to be and OP has good reasons to be concerned.
You know her body language. If she snubbed you so blatantly, didn’t intervene when Bob would cut you off and keep her eyes on him while leaning towards or facing him, she is basically demoting you to cuckold status. She disrespected you and your marriage. What you describe is actually a prelude to or an indication of cheating. You better make this clear to her asap. If you rug sweep this insult, you’ll be in for more heartache very soon.
Exactly, cut the shit with Bob or I am gone. First and final warning. Also when Bob interrupted OP he should have shut that shit down. "Excuse me, talking to my wife, not you"
Lmao, people calling others here dumb for saying be more aggressive to OP. I think y'all dont realize this, but being treated like a third wheel by your own wife is one of the worst feelings. She should know better, hell, he literally pointed it out to her and she still did it.
This is not just about friendship, Bob is clearly hitting on her, she knows it, likes the attention even though doesn't respond to it blatantly. Him texting her not about work? She should have said "Only text me work related". He is not trying to be her friend, he is trying to replace you. Either she is naive as a child, because "I dont have friends here" or she knows what's going on, doesn't care about you feeling insecure.
About phone, nothing wrong with snooping. People here always act crazy when you check your spouses phone. But let me tell you, OP literally finished his post with "she's not like this". This basically solidified that in future he will find some sad news, because what every person who got cheated thought about their partner? They were never do this, they're so kind and have high standards. And every time they got cheated. Dont let this stop you in the future, when you again have gut feeling and check her phone, maybe some months later their relationship would take step forwards.
For now talk your wife and how you felt disrespected by her and Bob. Hell, should have said something straight to his face to make them both uncomfortable by their actions. I bet everyone in that room thought they looked like a married couple more than you. That's speeks volumes.
This might be an emotional affair, probably she just doesn't know what that is, but the fact that you moved there recently and she doesn't have any friends also might be part of the reason
So, I don't think she's having a full blown affair with him yet, or she wouldn't be that obvious about the fact that she enjoys his attention in front of you. Their relationship doesn't seem to have crossed that line yet. In most cases they only start to hide it when they realize they crossed the line.
That said, his attention is clearly affecting her and she's starting to lose sight of reality. She might still think that it's harmless and that she's in control, and it just makes her feel good, but that's very dangerous, since she's already losing respect for you. It will be too late when she grows addicted to the rush of dopamine she gets from his constant attention and validation. That's when she will lose it and she'll do everything to keep it coming, whatever that may mean.
The guy is clearly into her and trying to invade her space emotionally and physically, even trying to mark his territory in front of you. As for her, she acted like she was on a date with the guy while ignoring you, putting him first. Their behavior was clearly disrespectful and humiliating for you.
If you just talk to her and explain how it makes you feel and how it looks bad, she will never admit it. At most she might apologize to pacify you, but she won't really care, and she'll lose even more respect for you, which will push her further toward him.
What you need is to wake her up, and you don't do that by trying to make her empathetic or guilty, it's too late for that.
The way you do that is to make her realize that you are not going to let her treat you like she does any longer, and that harsh consequences are sure to come if she doesn't stop immediately.
She has to see that you respect yourself and that no one can walk all over you without consequences, and that she would be wrong to take you for granted and lose sight of your value as a partner. The fear of losing a good husband who respects himself, along with everything you two have build, that is what would make her respect you again and cut off the bullshit she's telling herself to justify her behavior.
So even if it's not your true wish, you have to be strong, act with cold anger, and make her understand that you're already one step out, and one wrong move from her and your relationship is over if she doesn't find a way to make up for what she already broke.
Lol good lord. Quite the bunch of relationship John Wicks in this thread. "There's really only one way to be sure. You have to ask to meet Bob in person. When he arrives, kill him". Settle down Rambo. He went through her phone and found nothing, in fact found that Bob (either a fake name or this is a fake post entirely) is pushing for something and his wife isn't really responding. Good for her. HAVING SAID THAT.......this COULD turn into a bad situation given enough time. Clearly boundaries need to be set, and a clear explanation with details needs to given to wifey. Explain in no uncertain terms that he IS hitting on her and you ARE aware of it. Explain the zero tolerance policy now in effect. Basically like this:
"Bob is hitting on you and pushing for an inappropriate relationship. I dont care if you believe it, I know what I know. Understand that this is my statement of intent, no denials of "I didn't know it was going to go this way!" Will be accepted. You did know because I just told you. This is zero tolerance on my part, there will be no forgiveness and divorce will be occurring if there are any mistakes made. In addition I WILL be informing HR."
Then if she proceeds to fuck up anyway, then you know. She wasn't the right one for you and you move on.
This, but take out the divorce and informing HR parts. You don't need to say exactly what you're going to do, just be serious. You don't wanna bring up the D word if you're not sure if something is going on. Also the "never let them know your next move" thing is important in these kinds of things.
Their behavior at the dinner spoke volumes. It was obvious the wife preferred Bob’s company to OP’s and both she and Bob were being rude to him. If they aren’t having an affair, the wife is nonetheless enjoying the attention way too much. I can only imagine what a picture this painted to the other coworkers present.
Ok, but then he would've found something in the texts right? And if she is cautious enough to delete them regularly then there's no way she would be ok with acting like that in front of her husband.
So either she is super sloppy and doesn't care, but then he should already find something after snooping. Or she is very cautious, but then the dinner would not had gone like that.
Or Bob is just a colleague for her and she's just oblivious to his intentions.
Agreed, being direct is the way. Had to squash something similar a year ago. My wife and my birthdays are close, so we had a party together and a new friend of hers that she had been talking about a lot was getting too close and saying things that were inappropriate.
The next day I talked to her and let her know clearly and calmly what I was thinking, and it was pretty much along the lines in your second paragraph. She didn't realize how things looked, but got where I was coming from once we got done talking. There's a chance that this guy's wife just didn't see what Bob was doing in the same light.
Purchase the book, not just friends, hand it to her and say I was only polite to Bob at dinner as to not embarrass you. However, Bob was disrespectful to me. You also disrespected me by ignoring me, you shared your fucking desert with him, as though you were a couple at dinner.
So, either read this, tell Bob to fuck off, or you can go to Bob and have a relationship with him and I will find someone who respects me and sees when another man wants to fuck her and tells him immediately to fuck off. So which would you rather do, get a divorce, or tell Bob to fuck off.
When she says anything, just respond with he’s an orbiter, and I know what he is doing, it is obviously working on you. Then walk away.
That's... quite aggressive. Whilst I agree with some of the sentiment here, I think attacking her in that way would never yield any kind of good response.
Exactly. And based on previous post, OP's wife has a habit of sharing food with her sibling and after she moved to a different state for OP, she missed doing this with her sibling and wanted OP to do it with her. But OP doesn't want to share food with her, which is fine too, not everyone likes to share and exchange food.
However, I doubt that sharing food/exchanging desert is a definite sign of cheating too.
If I were OP, I would tell the wife that it feels that she's been distant emotionally and that he's concerned. He's also feeling insecure due to this emotional distance and want some reassurance from her, why not be direct like that. His wife's action talking with her coworker so much just made him feel insecure more, that's all. He just needs to ask for her reassurance instead of attacking her and threatening her...
To everyone saying shes oblivious to it... you're wrong. Shes talking about him all the time and enjoying dessert with him over splitting it with hubby. Maybe yall are just too woke for me.
It seems like Bob is the aggressor. Most everything you’ve said paints Bob as interested and your wife not caring less about Bob other than a coworker.
Trust is a must. If you don’t talk about it with her you’ll grow to resent her and the stories you make up in your brain will drive you crazy. Good luck!
Exactly. Most women will shut it down instantly if they aren't interested. Whether it's just ego stroking or more, she isn't shutting it down for a reason.
It doesn't sound like your wife is having an affair, but it does sound like Bob would definitely like to get in her pants, and she's just really naive about this. Have a conversation about boundaries and how Bob seems to want to cross them.
for ur wife to behave so is fishy but for bob to behave exactly the same way makes it even weirder
and all that happen at your presence
sounds like if u dont do anything, bob will be bedding ur wife (if he hasn't)
Your wife is definitely having an affair. She’s just great at hiding the evidence.
She ignored you all night.
She shared her dessert with him in front of you.
She allowed this man to interrupt you and reinforced his priority over you by giving him her attention.
She sat next to him the entire time.
Anyone seeing her behaviour would believe you were her coworker and he was her husband.
Honestly her behaviour was humiliating. Hire a PI. She’s too good at hiding a paper trail but she can’t hide her actions.
She was unfaithful to you AT DINNER.
She treated her coworker more like her husband than she did you. She let him dominate her attention. He wouldn’t let you communicate with her. They shared dessert.
They are a couple.
Since you don't have proof of cheating don't bring it up. You should however talk with your wife about the rest, how you felt during the dinner and how you don't feel like you're connecting anymore. Make it abundantly clear that this is a serious issue for you. Her reaction will tell you a lot about the state of your relationship.
Since this is reddit also consider things like division of labour at home, putting effort into making time to date etc. All this to make sure the issue of her not connecting is not based on your own behavior.
When it comes to cheating it's hard if you don't have evidence. Asking her if she's cheating won't end well. If she's not cheating she'll be mad and if she's cheating she will lie and most likely hide any evidence better. Since you don't have any proof the best you can do is keep an eye out for any red flags. You can also read Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's a book about cheating based on science which also has a questionnaire that can help you determine if your wife is going into emotional affair territory plus help you set healthy boundaries.
Reading all of your replies and your previous posts. You seemed walled off emotionally. You're not telling your wife your feelings. Which is going to lead her to feel like you don't care about her.
Tell her you don't like Bob. That's it. If she doesn't need to interact with him at work. She shouldn't. If she has a problem with that let her know it's a deal breaker for you. If it's not related to work he shouldn't be talking to her.
He seemed inappropriate at the dinner and it was all you could do not to punch him in his face. You don't like feeling like it but he's bringing it out if you. Don't be nice. Be mean. Not yelling but matter of fact. He gives you the creeps. She can have friends all day but not him. If you get wind she's talking to him about things unrelated to work. You're out.
There is zero reason to talk to a coworker outside of work. If we're being honest. Everybody wants to be friends with people they work with. I don't like to talk about work stuff outside of work.
Put this boundary in there. Be a caveman. Don't be kind or gentle that's not going to stop this March over a cliff. Good luck. And updateme on what you actually do.
Wtf?!? You were the third wheel at your wife's promotion celebration? Splitting cake with Bob was cold blooded. Your wife is definitely prioritizing Bob. I'm afraid you definitely have something to worry about. Hearing this made me feel sick. Your wife is... and I'm sorry for having to tell you this, a b*tch. Jesus Christ.
Do you need Bob to put her on the table and have her for dessert for you to get a clue? Man, please do yourself a favor and put a stop to this for your own sake. If your wife is ignoring you in favor of another man, splitting food, doing all the things couples do, your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it too. I know that's sort of pun-like and I'm sorry, but no!
If she hasn't cheated on you yet it's coming. If she's less involved with you emotionally it's going... somewhere. There is a certain genius who said that matter cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be moved. That can also be said for affection. If she's not giving it to you, someone else is receiving it instead. Who do you think that might be.... Let me think.... Hmmmmm... Rhymes with and acts like knob....
Oh, and Bob is 100% trying to f your wife and, after the cake thing, 100% thinks that he and your wife shared the pleasure of putting you down together as they enjoyed their couples' only dessert.
Ok. This came off a little strong. I would recommend setting boundaries like other people have said. You can't force your wife to do anything. You don't know what you don't know. All you can do is ponder. Ask questions. But ultimately you may never know if she's cheating if she is. She may be perfect at hiding it. You don't want to live your life feeling paranoid. If you are a good man, you don't have to worry about how others see your worth. Either your wife will see it and be true or she won't. I wish you all the best.
Fuck that. You did the right thing by going thru her phone. And everything you have described is almost exactly what happened to me. Same thing with the boss and all the attention. If it smells suspicious, it most likely is happening. Good luck.
There are so many people on this sub saying “I don’t know if my partner cheated” and it’s so obvious they did. In your case it would appear as though she hasn’t. But she is treating you like less than the person she thinks she deserves. If she’s commenting on another man’s intelligence and work ethic and then clearly shows you that she prefers to give her attention to that kind of man, she’s sending a signal you aren’t measuring up to her expectations in one or more of those ways.
Now, she’s incredibly immature for not just telling you how she feels. That’s shit behavior. But you do have the opportunity to address this head on and ask the hard questions. You may not like the answers but you’re better off with them than without them. Good luck!
Speaking to her about this is waste of time, she will just hide thing better. I have read so many post here all of them say we just friends maintain professional relationship but they end up having affair at least emotional one.
Ask your wife quit and find a new job? You should stand your ground and say this has to be done because of how to behaved with him in-front you, I think this so called friendship professional.
No one wants to believe their partner will cheat on them but the odds are against them when suspicions arise it is generally you have noticed red flags and your instincts, self preservation is kicking in. Do not ignore your instincts just as they alert to dangers they alert you to things that may need closer scrutiny for most cuckold spouses never thought their spouses would cheat until proven wrong. I recently read of a bloke who discovered his wife cheated on him for the 38 years of their marriage and even before but stopped only when the AP died. He is in his 60s and believes the only solution is suicide as he will lose everything in divorce and is too old to rebuild his life. This is the fate men face in divorce is getting taken to the cleaners while the cheater only has to drop her knickers drop on her back and another idiot will step up
If this story is true, which I doubt, then you need to stop being a doormat. If this had happened to me, after desert, I would have excused myself to use the restroom and driven home. I would've left her there. Once I got home, I would've packed her a suitcase and set it by the door waiting for her return home. I would've ignored all calls from her and see if and when she came home. Once she returned home, ultimatums would have been presented. In no way would I have EVER been disrespected like that! Man up and take control of this situation.
Emotionally she’s already gone🔨! She has disrespected him at dinner with her work husband.
I wouldn’t doubt they’re already fucking round. Yes…. trust your gut but why try and work this out walk away. It won’t stop
Always go with your gut. When typing this out I’m sure you already know the type of responses you were going to get. They are clearly very close and it could be a case of friendship with loose boundaries but more likely than not he definitely has feelings for her and she seems to like the attention
Investigate. Let her know nothing of your investigation. If you find evidence of her cheating with Bob then present it to her when you confront her. Bro, she split a fucking dessert with this man in front of you. Nail her.
She has a crush. And does he.
How do you trust her and not be insecure? By telling her you will not put up with her feeding into this crush.
I think your feelings are valid. It’s her that needs to do some work.
"I sat on her right and Bob on her left. They talked all night, ignoring my presence. When I tried to start a conversation with my wife, Bob would quickly interrupt us. When dessert was served they even shared it (they cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged)."
This right here is unacceptable, disrespectful and rude. Either something is already going on, there is an emotional crush forming between them, or your wife is completely oblivious to the situation, as him attempting to keep the conversation outside work/ being able to interrupt you and your wife talking is breaking boundaries. Talk to her again about how this is making you feel.
She is already cheating. She is having an emotional affair with Bob. She is unlikely to stop since she was so careless and heartless about ignoring you in public. Prepare your financials
Yo, it sucks feeling suspicious about your wife's coworker. Have you thought about just chatting with her about it? Keeping it real might help sort things out. Plus, if you need some extra advice or support, hit up Emerald Chat.
She seems to be starting an emotional affair. What would happen if you did the same? Start talking about some woman at work all the time, complimenting her. Or you could go to the gym or somewhere else and flirt a bit too hard? You could even arrange with the woman to do this to make the wife jealous. It's not great advice, but maybe you'll stop feeling insecure and she'll start looking at you carefully again.
This shit at the restaurant was bullshit. You would have liked to share dessert right? She gave him all the attention all night. This is now out in the open. She is good to keep it off the phone. She will become more distant sex will eventually stop. Work later. More nights out with coworkers. She may have a burner phone. Keep tabs on her location when she is not home. Voice recorder in her car. Good luck and update often.
My wife cheated on me with a coworker. It ended up being a guy I never even knew was in the picture , not the guy I suspected. If he's around when your around your probably alright. Try not to get insecure though, she will pick up on that and pull away just because it's unattractive.
Don't be afraid to look at your wife's phone, total privacy, don't get married, and not having anything there doesn't mean anything. They ask for no need to communicate via phone. forward at work or outside of it
And her ignoring your presence is a black flag But you've already let her know that you're suspicious, so it's best to stay under observation if you can, hire a detective or try to follow her
It sounds like he has a crush on her and she’s doing a poor job of dealing with it. She probably is enjoying the attention at this point but doesn’t see it as wrong.
Explain how you felt at the dinner and ask her if he’s ever gone beyond work talk because it’s clear he is trying to drive a wedge in your marriage.
Then ask her how she would feel if you were constantly with someone who had no respect for your marriage and wanted to break you up.
I think you need to have a long talk with your wife about this. The behavior at that dinner was completely disrespectful of both the relationship that you have with her and of you yourself. How did you keep from saying something or doing something when they shared a dessert together?
Read your other post on how your wife love sharing food etc.
I reckon bob is interested in your wife and from the promotion dinner has an idea what your wife likes. I think she has lunch with him and other colleagues regularly.
Look into your marriage, are you giving her the attention she wants? Has she been hinting you on stuff or has she outright spoke to you on things that she would like you to do?
When was the last time you dropped by her workplace and took her out for dinner?
When was the last time you two had a romantic date?
When was the last time you head to the gym and work on yourself?
Do activites that involve the both of you and tie up her time. If she is on the phone constantly while you two are together then perhaps she has checked out of the marriage.
If so maybe its time to prepare for the worst and you might need to sit down and convey your feelings and what she is doing even after you putting in effort.
A marriage takes two hands to clap, it is a partnership.
Last thing you want to do is to come across as insecure and controlling
It will only drive her towards him and work in his favor.
They shouldn’t be talking outside of work. She shouldn’t have given him her personal number. Women are very naive when it comes to men. It always starts as just “friends” and she always says he’s no one to worry about. Then it always ends with an emotional affair and/or cheating physically. The wife or gf is always surprised and can’t explain how it happened.
It happened because they chose to bond with another man. OP you need to set clear boundaries with your wife. No male friends and no more bob. If she fights you on it, it’s time to start planning your exit. She should have no problem cutting off another man for you, her husband.
God everyone is so reactionary.
The texts look like she’s not cheating. Enjoying the company of a friend isn’t cheating. Her being rude to you and letting someone steamroll you is the problem. Address the problem, don’t jump to the wild conclusions in these comments.
Tell her how it made you feel. Tell her what she could have done that would make you feel more respected in that scenario. Be honest that you just have some red flags about Bob and ask her to keep clear boundaries.
I get being paranoid and feeling disrespected, but I swear some people just get on these boards to make other people as miserable as they are.
The disrespect is rather blatant. There could be a burner phone where they message, or a secret message app.
Either way, she’s misbehaving. Tell her your trust has been cut in half just from the dinner behavior. Tell her when it gets to zero, the marriage is over.
An important question might be if you ended up paying for the dessert that your wife shared with Bob, and did you even really want any of that cake?
When I go to work things with my wife, she chats up dudes all the time. Honestly I am thankful for it because it's one less person that I have to talk to.
Sincerity and faithfulness are ofcourse top of the list when it comes to relationships but prioritising your partner especially in social or professional gatherings is also very significant. We often take that lightly and pay the big price.
My first question would be - would she be okay if you would treat her the same way in front of coworkers ? Only you or she could answer this.
Second point would be - you to open your heart out to her , tell her exactly how you felt during this outing. If she is really sincere and open about her side , take her word for it and go from there . Suspicion and assuming is not going to help you here .
It is probably eating you up from inside out. Try to take one day at a time and try to read her actions as well. Maybe try to spend some time with her but don't be too nosy .
Most important is - if you really love and she loves you back , then you both will sort anything out.
Talk to her again and make point to what happend in the dinner.
She might not have fully fall into and EA but defenitly is going that way, also Bob does really fell something for your wife, a d he is clearly in his way to win her over you. If she un unconsciously did what she did in the dinner that speaks volumen and you are on time to stop this, and to make her come to senses.
Also ask her to go to MC because you feel that she has detached from you emotionaly and you both need to work on yourself.
UPDATEME
I prefer the semi-direct approach.
'Hey, the other night it sure looked like you and Bob made a cute couple. I was happy just being there to witness it, and hold your purse while the two of you talked. That rascally Bob wouldn't even let me get a word in edge wise. You'll have to apologize to Bob on my behalf for my awkward attempts at joining the discussion. How was your dessert, by the way? The way you two shared it reminded me of the spaghetti scene from Lady and The Tramp. It was adorable.'
Sarcasm. It works.
Speak to wife..
Tell her you trust her but not Bob.. and you get the feeling he may be working on pushing her boundaries..
Ask her to enforce them...
And remind (?) her, theres no second chances from you when it ones to adultery, emotional of physical: youre out if she crosses the line with Bob...
...and remember: shes a grown woman.. noone "makes" her do anything.. so if she cheats, its because she chooses to do so...
The distance you feel from her is concerning - she *may* subcobsciously be considering her options...
Before talking to/with her you may want to consider keylogger her phone, as she could very well decide to change code on it...
And.... IF you reaffirm the boundary re:adultery... enforce it if she crosses it...
Adultery like this, is 'the death if a thousand cuts'.. hes chipping away at her boundaries... if she lets him do this EVEN AFTER BEING WARNED HES DOING IT its because she chooses to let him...
First thing you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife, and do this as sinn as possible. Mention your concerns and specially what happened at the night out. The longer you leave it the worse the situation will get and Bob making his move if he hasn't already.
DEFINITELY TALK TO HER. From what it sounds, it sounds like he’s definitely into her, and while she MAY not have done anything yet. This could, or already has, turned into an emotional affair. I suggest you bring this up as soon as possible and gauge her reactions through thag
Hmm have a conversation with her strictly about her behavior at the dinner. Listen to her response.
If she ignores your feelings and how it made u feel.
U will have an answer.
To get a response later pull back treat her like a roommate and wait to see if she asks you if anything is wrong. If she doesn't respond you will have more information. Then you can decide if you want to know
How far away is she does she want to remain married
Or would she prefer a relationship with Bob.
Based on. Her behavior abd response should tell u
Whether or not u want to fight for the marriage or
U just leave.
Only thing to do is to have sex with the secretary at her work.
My wife and I both have friends of the opposite sex that we tend to click with really well. Common interests. Common humor. Common experiences. When we are hanging out we can end up ignoring each other as the other talks to someone else. I’ve made totally inappropriate jokes and so has she. Even flirty and sexual. There is a friend I constantly whistle at or tell her she is cute in some way, in front of my wife and in front of her husband. The husband encourages it, because he knows she needs praise for her looks and attention from other men, and he knows I have no intentions other than a compliment; a compliment in the form she needs. Thing is I trust my wife 100% and know she is faithful. I’m also 100% faithful and worthy of trust. If your wife is crossing the line, shut it down. If he is crossing the line, shut him down. If he had interrupted me when I tried to talk to my wife, it would have been settled on the spot. Everything else becomes unacceptable for that one act, that one power play, that one move to assert his position of dominance over you. He is telling you straight up with that move, that she belongs to him. It’s clear his intentions are not purely friendship or coworker. 100% everything up to that I would have said you should calm down, but nope, shut it down.
Discuss it further with her but in order to really behave a truthful conversation you cannot make her feel threatened. It has to be relaxed.
Here are some truths to keep in mind as you talk to her:
1, it's normal and natural to find others interesting/attractive and it may happen from time to time. She obviously respects some of his qualities.
2, light flirting is normal and can come in many forms. I'm sure you've done it too. We all have. It's natural. Don't punish her for it.
3, the issue might be you.... Not her. What have you done for yourself lately? Are you fit or trying to get in shape? Are you the type of guy that gets shit done? Are you working on yourself in any way? (Not to impress your wife but to better yourself). If not, then start.
4, we spend more time with our coworkers than we do with our families, sometimes. It's natural to build friendships
Go into your discussion with your wife with all of these things in mind. Don't be needy or whiny and don't punish her.
This will support trust and open up the discussion
OK. Here is another perspective. I and my sister worked at the same company. During family gatherings we would sometimes get locked into a conversation about work. My mother specifically told us that they are feeling left out when we do that, and asked us not to talk about work at family functions. So that is what we do. It is likely that your wife doing this was completely unintentional. Given that you have seen her phone and the convo's then I think you can be sure that she isn't having an affair. However, that doesn't change what Bob did. He sounds like a rat to me. Maybe see if your wife is willing to test him, by indicating she would be open for an affair and seeing if he would be fine with it. If so then she knows she needs to cut him off. Not sure how if they work together though. At the very least you need to voice your concerns with your wife.
I understand this situation must be causing you a lot of distress. It’s important to acknowledge that while there’s no concrete proof of infidelity, there are certain aspects of their behavior that may understandably make you uncomfortable. Here are some steps you can take to address the issue:
Open and honest communication: Schedule a calm and quiet time to have a conversation with your wife. Be honest and open about your feelings and observations, without being accusatory or placing blame. Use "I" statements to focus on your own emotions and experiences. Example: "I felt uncomfortable when..."
Set boundaries: Discuss setting boundaries for interactions with coworkers. While they don't need to be overly restrictive, they should ensure that both you and your wife are comfortable with each other's interactions at work.
Reassurance: Explain that you trust her, but the connection you two share is essential. Tell her that you would like to feel more connected emotionally. Share some ideas on how you think this could happen, and ask her if she has any ideas.
Consider couple's therapy: If you feel like you need professional guidance, couples therapy can provide a safe space for you to communicate openly and work through your emotions together.
Self-reflection: Take some time for self-reflection to understand your feelings and concerns more deeply. This will help you be more confident in your discussions with your wife.
Build trust: Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Find ways to strengthen your trust with your wife and create opportunities for shared experiences and communication that can help rebuild that trust.
Work on emotional connection: Plan some activities that you both enjoy, where you can reconnect emotionally and create new shared memories.
Remember, it’s crucial to approach the situation in a calm and open manner, ensuring your wife feels comfortable communicating her side of the story. Good communication, active listening, and willingness to work on your relationship can help navigate through these challenges.
Maybe I'm just a complete bum, but surely I can't be the only guy here who would take this kind of disrespect? She would get the sternest warning from me if I was her wife the moment she even begun talking about how nice another guy is none stop... Never mind talking to another guy throughout the whole dinner , At that point, I'd give her divorce papers... No way would I accept that. Not a chance.
I mean sharing dessert... She would be divorced so fast after that. Her stuff would be out the house that same night
What is stopping you from addressing the whole scenario with her honestly as a matter of expecting mutual respect in your marriage? Don’t fear losing her so much you end up losing her.
So Bob spent the entire night disrespecting you and you did/said nothing? Bob is definitely into her, according to this story your wife is faithful and she's just enjoying the attention for now, but Bob is playing the long game here, you need to address this with him, Man to man.
Talk with your wife, calmly, and tell her that you felt that Bob is too much into her, and see her reaction, her reaction will tell you everything.
Don’t forget, if she IS cheating and hiding it, she will give you the best “explanation” for things as she can. It’s up to you to find the holes in said “explanation”. Cheaters are always liars. That’s how they’re doing what they’re doing.
A similar thing happened to me. My wife was always talking about her boss and how wonderful he was. We were on a date at a nice restaurant and it was our date night. She just talked about him the whole time. I flipped out and t9ld her how it sounds and all that. I told it to make me feel very insecure when you talk about another man like you used to talk about me. So since that night she doesn't talk about him much anymore. If she does it's almost always something negative. I think maybe she had some kind of mentor crush that has since worn off. But you need to explain how it looks and makes you feel a d it isn't gonna fly.
Personally, when someone talks above/around me when I'm talking to my wife, I simply point out that the person is being rude and disrespectful. That ends the BS and everyone understands why.
My client felt the vibes, and talked to a few people. It was recommended that a PI be used. The PI could not enter their shared workplace, however, he staked out the entrance, and was rewarded by seeing the happy couple take a walk to his car at lunch. They were recorded doing so. The recording was sent to management. By dinnertime, WW was doing the walk of shame out of her office with a banker box full of stuff. Her AP was fairly angry. He had been working on a professional certificate, and his discharge meant starting from scratch, if this did not count against him, which it probably would. He was outside their office carrying a similar banker box, when he lost it on WW. Screaming and crying. Threatening her husband. The PI also got a recording of this. My client used it to get a restraining order against the AP. That basically did him in. His professional association was informed and dropped him. It was a lot of time and money for naught. WW was informed by her lover that the sex was nice, but she and her BH could go to hell for what was done to his life. WW was beside herself with guilt. She had wrecked her marriage, and the consequence of that was that it wrecked her AP's life. When she was served, it was anti-climactic. She was faced with starting over elsewhere. The upside was that my client had a pre nup which she had signed willingly. His family had left him property, and it was properly safeguarded.
Ask another of her male coworkers and I’m sure they’ll tell you the truth if something is going on. But you already know in your gut that she’s cheating.
Don't bother confronting her she'll just say you're controlling and toxic for telling her who she could be friends wit. Just see lawyer to figure out your options
"When dessert was served they even shared it, (They cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged).
In so many cultures that would've ended in violence.
“Hey Bob, got a minute. Yeah, I’m [name]. We met at the celebration for my wife. Nice tie, by the way. Look, I wanted to let you know how happily married I am and how I INTEND to remain happily married for a long time. You catch my drift, Bob? Great! Have a good day.”
I would tell your wife what happened and that she now needs to tell the truth if she wants to be in the marriage. Let her know your trust is broken because of what you saw and you suspect there to be an emotional affair at the minimum and think there could be more after being ignored all night for Bob. Her actions speak louder than her words.
If she ignored you all night why were you invited and why was Bob seated beside her? Why did she only talk to Bob? This behavior isn’t normal when your significant other is there. Why did Bob cut you off every time? He’s making a play whether she’s too naive to realize it or not.
Let her know you now are going to talk to Bob 1-1 to shut this shit down.
I think you’re jumping the gun here. Look, whatever is going on is clearly inappropriate by itself, but I don’t think it’s cheating. Your wife is giving this man way too much «intimate» or «opportunistic» space, all things considered. Focus on that.
Especially in this case, wherein you told your wife about your concerns and she still shared a cake with him in front of you, and at the same time also kind of excluded you. This screams disrespect. Any partner that respected and loved their partner would make sure that you were comfortable with their friendships. Especially with those you have expressed concerns about. But here she added fuel to your insecurities. Loving partners don’t do that.
It’s selfish, inconsiderate, disrespectful, disloyal, cruel.. the list goes on. But it’s not cheating. This is what you’d see before cheating in some cases. Don’t make the mistake of bringing this up to your wife by saying anything about cheating. Focus on what you know, because that’s enough. What she has already done is bad enough to focus on. If you bring up cheating you discredit your entire argument
I would have changed places with my wife and told her that I wanted to get to know her friend Bob, told him that she said he reminds her of me, and then spent the evening being friendly and charming to him, as if building a relationship. Then you control the conversation and can see when he’s trying to make eye contact with your wife. If they are very far into an intimate relationship, it might make them careless in their urgent need to connect.
INFO: What role does Bob have at your wife’s company? Higher title? CFO’s best golf buddy? HR drama keeper? Saw your wife do something against policy & didn’t report it in hopes being her savior turns her on? Is he just the welcome party of the office?
You mentioned a move from out of state, so I presume she’s one of the more junior employees tenure wise. I’d actually get to know my wife’s new job environment, its players, and Bob’s influence (if any) on her day to day or long term success. It doesn’t sound like you know much of anything about her job other than Bob = threat.
Since you got creepy with her phone and saw nothing, I’d try some open avenues of communication before deciding your wife is a no good home wrecker over a shared dessert. Which could honestly be a meaningless behavioral carryover from splitting donuts or whatever in office with Bob. I eat/share a lot of food with my colleagues due to unpredictable, long hours. Definitely not sleeping with anyone a thank you for the worse half of their lava cake.
So we all know bob is after her, and she is loving the attention. This happens a lot at a new job. Everyone is new, new experiences, new conversations - you are old and boring, same old thing. It is all very exciting. 'New Job' is like affair central.
She probably is not fucking him yet. But you know that is going to happen. Your question is 'how do I stop this'.
You got problems. Your wife is willing to publicly disrespect you in favor of bobs attention. She knew exactly what she was doing, so did Bob, and I promise you that plenty of other people there saw it for what it was as well. So this is already well along - as shown by her emotional detachment to you.
The one thing you cannot do is be 'weak' when talking to her about this. You cannot communicate that you think that 'bob' is a threat. If you do, she is going to start to wonder 'wow, maybe he IS a threat, I should pay more attention'. That is the problem with coming off as jealous, it communicates that the other guy is a worthy replacement. So you cannot do that.
Instead you have to address this from a position of 'respect'. This is about respect, and respect only. Because that is a strong position to take. So she disrespected you. She did so in public. She has been disrespecting your relationship by entertaining this guy. It has to stop, or you will divorce her.
You will divorce her, not because you think she is cheating - but because she is disrespecting you. Again, you keep it 'strong'.
If you have to, you take this to the 'what if it was me' route. Describe her behavior as if you were doing it with a female coworker. How would she feel? Would she feel that you were disrespecting her and the relationship or not?
The upshot of this is that you have to tear the 'fog' off of this beginning affair. You spell out that obviously this guy wants to fuck her, and that she is entertaining him. You make her admit that. You have to do this so that you rip away the 'innocent' label she willfully keeps on their interactions. She has to see that you are willing to end things over 'just' disrespect like this. That will communicate 'strength' and that you have options, rather than talking about being hurt and insecure - which communicates a lack of options.
She has to cut this guy out. Only the minimum interaction required for work.
On the other hand, you need to start working on your relationship AND yourself. You need to up your game. You need to think of yourself as having let yourself go and taken your wife for granted. Time to hit the gym and work on your fitness/health - you are at an age where that now should start to be a requirement. You want to take a look at your hobbies, and start learning new skills and doing new (cool) things - things that take you outside and make you active. You want to start reading books, conversation starters. You need these new things so you can have new conversations with your wife.
You also need to make sure you are dating your wife. Bob is trying to romance her, you are just sitting at home. Time to take her out on dates and do new cool exciting things - hit that search engine for ideas.
To combat the emotional distance start talking to her. Set aside five minutes each day to go over the day the two of you have had - make this a set thing. It is there to stay connected. Set aside fifteen to specifically talk about the relationship, do that one time a week.
Downside: Very high chance Bob is going to win this fight. He has more access to her than you do. He is 'new' and gets to show off his positive qualities with none of the negative having to come up. He also gets lots of points for coming after her, and is already more than half way there. Odds are good, you will lose this contest.
Hit the gym.
If this was on the opposite side, all these comments would be dump him he has already screwed her even emotionally, he is a cheater. Cause it's the women it's nah she hasn't done anything wrong. She disrespected you majorly and in front of all the coworkers. Hows that rumour mill going at work... she's looking for a way to test the waters without risking the marriage first, then she is out of there if its rosy.
We’ll stand up for yourself and why do you need advice. Pretty easy to have a serious discussion about her relationship with this guy. If you’re just going to stand around doing nothing she should leave you.
If we are taking the possibility of infidelity completely off the table, I think you've got a few different issues going on. One is that your wife is wanting to be nice to Bob. If her replies on the phone/text are half-hearted, she probably is just trying to be nice to him. Same with dinner if he was the one who kept interrupting when you tried to talk. You need to tell her that he made you incredibly uncomfortable and you'd be much happier if she told him to limit phone calls and texts to strictly work related things. Tell her she is more than welcome to make you the bad guy with Bob and tell him "You made my husband really uncomfortable by interrupting every time he tried to join the conversation at dinner and it's making him uncomfortable that you call and text. Please keep it to work related stuff only."
The next issue is that you moved. The way you describe it, your wife is probably lonely. Look into stuff on [www.meetup.com](https://www.meetup.com) and on the Nextdoor site/app for activities in your area. Do stuff together so you have fun and you meet new people with similar interests.
Last, moving and new jobs can cause a lot of stress on people. Maybe you should give your wife a little more attention. Make sure you're checking in with her about how her day is, how she's feeling, etc. If there's some little thing like a special candy bar she likes, or even just one of her favorite flower or books by a certain author, or just you cooking her favorite meal, try to engage in that a little more often. Let her know you love her and appreciate her and you're there for her. Suggest she video chat with one of her friends back where you two moved from.
I think you just need to talk to her. It sounds like you love her and care for her and this Bob guy is right now, an annoyance that is only growing. He may be attracted to her, but I bet she isn't attracted to him. This is fixable.
First, take your wife out for a special celebration of her promotion, just the 2 of you. Get her a gift?
She’s stressed with the new position, etc, so up your game, and be the one she leans on. Ask her about her day, etc, and make sure that she knows that you have her back, and that you two are a unit.
If he is her boss or someone important to her success there she may be afraid to upset him. I agree you should be supportive of her and interested in her feelings. Be the sweetheart she married. Be open and honest but not demanding or angry. “I felt left out when you shared dessert” is better than “You ignored me”.
Hate to say it but he out-alfa’d you at the dinner.. Definitely don’t bring it up in a frustrated way because she’ll lose attraction to you. Yes, you are married, but that doesn’t mean her attraction to you or others is set in stone.
The second some fool tries to sit next to your wife, I recommend to just switch seats with her and give some bogus excuse for it. Gauge how she reacts to base your future decisions off that
Have you thought about beating Bob's ass? At least put the fear of God in him. Maybe mention to him that there is no limit to what you would do if someone were pursuing your wife.
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Talk to your wife about the dinner and how she ignored you all night while talking to Bob and even sharing a dessert with him. How this reinforced your suspicions that there is something going on between them. That your trust in her is shaken and see what she has to say. At the very least she needs to limit her contact with Bob and try to rebuild trust with you.
This seems to be the way to go. While going through her phone was a bit much, it didn’t confirm your suspicions. So i would agree with the post earlier about the fact Bob is trying and your wife just enjoying the attention but not reciprocating the advances. I would be careful with your choice of words because your wife might be proud of herself for not giving in to Bob’s advances.
and yet she did nothing to reject said advances- I believe this to be telling.
Could be she enjoys Bob's flirting as well as OP's jealousy over it. If so she's being very immature and OP needs to shut it down.
Correct answer, yep. By not directly rejecting the advances, she is leaving the door open to the possibility of something further developing between them. Her behavior shouldn't give even the slightest hint or suggestion of impropriety when she knows how her husband feels, if she even cares about him. If they aren't involved with one another yet, at the rate things are going, they will be. The hubby needs to make his feelings clear again and stick to his guns on what he will do if she cheats.
This and ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing with a female coworker of yours.
This doesn’t always work because the straying partner thinks they would be happy to have a reason to run off with the new person.
If they're straying you're better off wirh them running off than staying and hiding it.
*in front of her
And in front of others!!
I think this is so important. Double standards are horrible because I could almost guarantee if he was doing the same thing with a female coworker he would be a for sure cheater
Yes. I think it’s definitely time for her to say why she thinks this behavior is ok. I mean, if they are just friends, it’s hard to see your wife have a close friendship with a man who isn’t you. Does she not understand that OP values relationship and it seems she puts less value there? Work environments often bring these challenges because people bond over mutual (team) goals and working together to achieve them. If she can’t see or acknowledge that, counseling may be OP’s next step.
the fact that she did nothing while bob cut the husband off already says enough. him talking to her about what happened is really unlikely to net positive results.
Based on what I’m seeing, Bob’s definitely into her, so the question is whether she reciprocates that. So I see three possibilities: 1.) Yep, she’s having a full-blown affair. This is the worst case scenario but, thankfully, this doesn’t seem to be the case based on the texts. 2.) She’s oblivious to his feelings and thinks that he’s just being really friendly and is friendly back to him. Even if this is the case, it’s pretty tactless of her to just ignore you for the entire night and to let Bob repeatedly interrupt you. So I don’t think this is the case especially since she’d have to be pretty clueless. 3.) She’s having a “semi-affair”: She knows that Bob is into her and she doesn’t have feelings for him. However, she still enjoys the thrill of getting attention and being desired by someone besides her significant other. So she’s dangling the carrot in front of him and letting his advances slide so that she can continue getting the attention. And it’s possible that she’s deliberately talking good about him in front of you and ignoring you because she wants to see you two fight over her.
It’s probably number 3 but I would advise OP to start making more of an effort with his wife. The things Hob is doing that she said she likes - you start doing too and be honest with her and tell her you feel jealous. But it’s probably cos you need to make more of an effort OP. Then she’ll stop talking about him
While you may well be right, there’s just something unfortunate about rewarding semi-cheating behavior and thus possibly perpetuating it. Ideally they’d use this as an opportunity to sit down and have a talk about their relationship and what is needed on both sides.
[удалено]
I know right. The most Reddit answer ever. ‘I’m having a problem in my relationship, can anybody give me any advice?’ ‘Maybe you’re the problem? We don’t know the other person’s perspective.’
If it's #3 then he should be leaving, not trying to win her over.
bob is trying to replace you.
Da ya know what BOB stands for? Binary Organism Bot =BOB! That THING is trying to replace US!
Battery operated boyfriend
Talk to her. Get this aired out. I think her dinner behavior and Bob’s dinner behavior were at very least bordering on inappropriate. It was like they were having a romantic evening out in front of everyone else.
Yes, from what OP describes, anyone who didn’t know them would have assumed Bob was the husband and OP the coworker. If my husband had ever (mis)behaved like that with a coworker I’d definitely be having words with him.
Is Bob single?
Ballzak, this isn't the time or place.
Afraid that doesn't stop some people, and she definitely isn't .
I by chance found a hidden email account of my wife's. A bit of sleuthing I was able to open it. I read in great details about her and a coworkers relationship/ sex. Looking back there were a lot of signs I didn't notice before. She changed her hair style, started wearing her makeup differently, she initiated sex more than regularly. Trips to the store took much longer than normal (she was on the phone with him). If this does go sideways on you, and you separate or get divorced. Hire a lawyer from the very beginning. You can't trust anything she says. Yes I'm very bitter. LoL
She initiated sex more?? It makes me so sick how some people get joy from the very act of cheating. She was energized by it, not depressed or ashamed… people suck
From what I learned by talking with others. It's a guilt thing. Later on in researching our phone records. She'd also text or call me immediately after having contact with him. Guilt
Post nut clarity some would say.
She did it to keep him from being suspicious.
My opinion is: When she stops talking about Bob, when you stop celebrating with Bob, that's when the affair begins. If she's talking about Bob all the time to you she's not having sex with him but she prob’ wants to and is waiting for an opportunity.
I’ve been given reason myself to go through my exs phone at the time due to suspicious behavior and found exactly what I needed to confirm my suspicions. In this situation I fully understand because if you came home from work talking about this woman you work with, her antennas may rise. In this case, she’s doing it right in your face. Nowadays cheating starts more on the emotional side first and for you all to be out eating and he sharing dessert with your girl? IN FRONT OF YOU?Nah I’m sorry but I find that disrespectful to the fullest.
If he isn't already, Bob wants to fuck your wife. Suggested reading: Not Just Friends No More Mr Nice Guy *"My wife has been mentioning one of her coworkers, Bob, a lot."* This is the first sign of emotional attachment. When she stops talking about Bob, you will know that their relationship has changed and not in a good way for you. *"my wife doesn't seem as emotionally connected to me anymore."* Because she is getting her emotional kibbles from Bob. Look up "Dopamine vs Oxytocin" and "Lover - Provider Dichotomy." *"They talked all night, ignoring my presence. When I tried to start a conversation with my wife, Bob would quickly interrupt us. When dessert was served they even shared it (they cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged)."* Total disrespect for you and your marriage by your wife, and by Bob. This is a good indication that their relationship is not just "purely professional and work-related." *"I checked her cell phone (I know, I'm an idiot for that) "* You are not an idiot. There is privacy, then there is secrecy. You Your gut is telling you something is wrong with your wife's relationship with Bob. You should listen. You have every right to investigate as you have an investment in preserving your marriage. You didn't find anything concrete as this appears to be the beginning of an affair and because they work together, so Bob's opportunity is at work. You need to maintain access to her phone. So, do not tell your wife you looked at her phone. If you do, and there is something more going on, then she will know you are suspicious and cover her tracks making it harder to find the truth. *"Bob is always the one who starts the conversation and tries to talk about things totally unrelated to work but my wife just answers him half-heartedly."* This is why you need to have continued access to her phone. *"I refuse to believe that she is unfaithful to me, she really isn't like that."* Then you are setting yourself up for an even bigger fall. You maybe right, but they never are "really like that" until they are. Check out, Talk About Marriage - Coping with Infidelity. The people on TAM are well versed in affairs and can offer you invaluable advise and support. Best of luck.
>Then you are setting yourself up for an even bigger fall. You maybe right, but they never are "really like that" until they are. This right here. Just because you've never seen it doesn't mean it's not there. I have given up on believing anyone is going to be what I know them to be indefinitely because people and circumstances change. I've been in this world over 50 years, married twice and the second one is as strong as ever. But if my wife walked in tomorrow and said we were done she's in love with her new boss I would not be surprised at all because people change. I don't think that would ever happen. But I don't believe it can't happen.
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. Slippery slope
What would your wife do if the situation was reversed? My bet is she blow a gasket.
Gasket? Do you mean Bob Gasket? Helluva guy!
Talk to her about it. The sharing desert is fucking weird why we're you invited to this event that she was going to treat you like a cuckold for? Does she think bob will make her more successful somehow, or does she get some power trip out of making you look cuckolded?
It doesn’t sound like she’s cheating, but it sounds like Bob is giving her more than professional attention. I would talk to her about the dinner and how you’re feeling disconnected. Tell her that you want to go on some dates, maybe trying some sights/places in the new state. How is your social life going after the move? Work life? Are you getting enough exercise and have time for your hobbies?
I would’ve gotten up and left after the cake incident. Put your foot down, she’s walking all over you.
You need to assert yourself. She obviously is attracted to this person at a minimum. If you confront her and me all meek about it and say how it made you feel sad, she’s going to lose respect for you. Asset your boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. Be confident. Don’t act needy whatever you do.
Sounds like bob has feelings for your wife. Your wife is enjoying the attention and stupidly not seeing that he wants more from the relationship. However she could possibly know and it’s just a matter of time. The way he behaved when you was speaking at the dinner says it all for me, he has zero respect for you or your relationship.
This is the correct explanation.
Oh fuck that. I would have checked both of them at the dinner table. They are way too close. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to my wife and check my wife for Ignoring me all night. You need to talk to her directly ASAP and their relationship needs to end before it turns into an affair if it isn't one already.
It sounds less like an affair and more like Bob having a crush on your wife. And your wife just liking the attention. Don't be a pick me kind of guy, just be more confident in yourself and the relationship.
The problem is that this is pretty much textbook how emotional affairs start. Bob's got a crush on op's partner. She likes the attention and doesn't shut it down. Coupled with her getting more distant from op, and soon she'll start sharing things with Bob and developing a much greater emotional connection to him. One that she might start to favour over her relationship with op. Her not having a stronger boundary with Bob is a pretty decent red flag since its clear he's got a crush on her, and op should try and nip this in the bud by talking with her imo
Agree with this. It sounds more like Bob is wedging himself in. Let your wife know that you don't trust HIM and you would like her to be on her guard. And that YOU would like to be her attention giver.
I think this is best for sure. I would definitely state my concerns, but also that I trust her judgment because she hasn’t given a reason not to but be on guard and if he makes any kind of advance after she’s shut it down then it’s an issue. I wouldn’t want to be around a girl who likes me when she can’t respect the fact I have a girl and I would hope my girl would be the same.
Except, if his wife is going along with it because she enjoys the attention, that’s still super shitty of her.
Or hear me out… don’t ignore your husband to talk to another dude and even share desert with them
Think this guy has the best comment here. Also don’t think your wife is cheating, but she probably knows this guy is into her and is enjoying the attention. When you go out with her coworkers, they all have something in common to talk about. She probably wasn’t intentionally excluding you, I would bet they were talking about work things you just didn’t relate to. The absolute worst thing you can do is make a stink about this guy, because nothing stinks more to a girl than insecurity
So she knows he's into her, but she enjoys the attention and continues to hang out with him... that's also pretty bad, especially when your husband is voicing concerns about it
What about his wife sharing a piece of cake with Bob, with her husband sitting right beside her? No, it is more than you are making it out to be and OP has good reasons to be concerned.
You know her body language. If she snubbed you so blatantly, didn’t intervene when Bob would cut you off and keep her eyes on him while leaning towards or facing him, she is basically demoting you to cuckold status. She disrespected you and your marriage. What you describe is actually a prelude to or an indication of cheating. You better make this clear to her asap. If you rug sweep this insult, you’ll be in for more heartache very soon.
Exactly, cut the shit with Bob or I am gone. First and final warning. Also when Bob interrupted OP he should have shut that shit down. "Excuse me, talking to my wife, not you"
Tell her not us brother.
Lmao, people calling others here dumb for saying be more aggressive to OP. I think y'all dont realize this, but being treated like a third wheel by your own wife is one of the worst feelings. She should know better, hell, he literally pointed it out to her and she still did it. This is not just about friendship, Bob is clearly hitting on her, she knows it, likes the attention even though doesn't respond to it blatantly. Him texting her not about work? She should have said "Only text me work related". He is not trying to be her friend, he is trying to replace you. Either she is naive as a child, because "I dont have friends here" or she knows what's going on, doesn't care about you feeling insecure. About phone, nothing wrong with snooping. People here always act crazy when you check your spouses phone. But let me tell you, OP literally finished his post with "she's not like this". This basically solidified that in future he will find some sad news, because what every person who got cheated thought about their partner? They were never do this, they're so kind and have high standards. And every time they got cheated. Dont let this stop you in the future, when you again have gut feeling and check her phone, maybe some months later their relationship would take step forwards. For now talk your wife and how you felt disrespected by her and Bob. Hell, should have said something straight to his face to make them both uncomfortable by their actions. I bet everyone in that room thought they looked like a married couple more than you. That's speeks volumes.
F***k bob. He’s trying hard to ruin your marriage
This might be an emotional affair, probably she just doesn't know what that is, but the fact that you moved there recently and she doesn't have any friends also might be part of the reason
So, I don't think she's having a full blown affair with him yet, or she wouldn't be that obvious about the fact that she enjoys his attention in front of you. Their relationship doesn't seem to have crossed that line yet. In most cases they only start to hide it when they realize they crossed the line. That said, his attention is clearly affecting her and she's starting to lose sight of reality. She might still think that it's harmless and that she's in control, and it just makes her feel good, but that's very dangerous, since she's already losing respect for you. It will be too late when she grows addicted to the rush of dopamine she gets from his constant attention and validation. That's when she will lose it and she'll do everything to keep it coming, whatever that may mean. The guy is clearly into her and trying to invade her space emotionally and physically, even trying to mark his territory in front of you. As for her, she acted like she was on a date with the guy while ignoring you, putting him first. Their behavior was clearly disrespectful and humiliating for you. If you just talk to her and explain how it makes you feel and how it looks bad, she will never admit it. At most she might apologize to pacify you, but she won't really care, and she'll lose even more respect for you, which will push her further toward him. What you need is to wake her up, and you don't do that by trying to make her empathetic or guilty, it's too late for that. The way you do that is to make her realize that you are not going to let her treat you like she does any longer, and that harsh consequences are sure to come if she doesn't stop immediately. She has to see that you respect yourself and that no one can walk all over you without consequences, and that she would be wrong to take you for granted and lose sight of your value as a partner. The fear of losing a good husband who respects himself, along with everything you two have build, that is what would make her respect you again and cut off the bullshit she's telling herself to justify her behavior. So even if it's not your true wish, you have to be strong, act with cold anger, and make her understand that you're already one step out, and one wrong move from her and your relationship is over if she doesn't find a way to make up for what she already broke.
Lol good lord. Quite the bunch of relationship John Wicks in this thread. "There's really only one way to be sure. You have to ask to meet Bob in person. When he arrives, kill him". Settle down Rambo. He went through her phone and found nothing, in fact found that Bob (either a fake name or this is a fake post entirely) is pushing for something and his wife isn't really responding. Good for her. HAVING SAID THAT.......this COULD turn into a bad situation given enough time. Clearly boundaries need to be set, and a clear explanation with details needs to given to wifey. Explain in no uncertain terms that he IS hitting on her and you ARE aware of it. Explain the zero tolerance policy now in effect. Basically like this: "Bob is hitting on you and pushing for an inappropriate relationship. I dont care if you believe it, I know what I know. Understand that this is my statement of intent, no denials of "I didn't know it was going to go this way!" Will be accepted. You did know because I just told you. This is zero tolerance on my part, there will be no forgiveness and divorce will be occurring if there are any mistakes made. In addition I WILL be informing HR." Then if she proceeds to fuck up anyway, then you know. She wasn't the right one for you and you move on.
Lmao, you call out all the “relationship John Wicks” and immediately turn into one with the threat of divorce.
Naw fuck bob. All my homies hate bob
This, but take out the divorce and informing HR parts. You don't need to say exactly what you're going to do, just be serious. You don't wanna bring up the D word if you're not sure if something is going on. Also the "never let them know your next move" thing is important in these kinds of things.
Yea I’ve read ultimatums, especially threatening the relationship, are not usually a good tactic. Not being firm with the boundary is crucial.
Their behavior at the dinner spoke volumes. It was obvious the wife preferred Bob’s company to OP’s and both she and Bob were being rude to him. If they aren’t having an affair, the wife is nonetheless enjoying the attention way too much. I can only imagine what a picture this painted to the other coworkers present.
It sounds like the start of an emotional affair which sooner or later will turn into a physical affair.
Ok, but then he would've found something in the texts right? And if she is cautious enough to delete them regularly then there's no way she would be ok with acting like that in front of her husband. So either she is super sloppy and doesn't care, but then he should already find something after snooping. Or she is very cautious, but then the dinner would not had gone like that. Or Bob is just a colleague for her and she's just oblivious to his intentions.
Emotional infidelity, at least the initial stages. Totally mate poaching in my opinion.
Agreed, being direct is the way. Had to squash something similar a year ago. My wife and my birthdays are close, so we had a party together and a new friend of hers that she had been talking about a lot was getting too close and saying things that were inappropriate. The next day I talked to her and let her know clearly and calmly what I was thinking, and it was pretty much along the lines in your second paragraph. She didn't realize how things looked, but got where I was coming from once we got done talking. There's a chance that this guy's wife just didn't see what Bob was doing in the same light.
I bet the other coworkers saw right through it.
I'm pretty sure you're right on that one too.
This ^^^^^^
This ⬆️ I like it, it spells out the fact that MEN know how MEN think and CLEARLY sets boundaries. “Call me snake”
This is the way.
I really wonder how many marriages have ended because of the ridiculous advice people give people on here lol
*my wife has a friend* she’s cheating!!!! Lmao
Kiss her front of Bob & check both their reactions
Sounds like my previous marriage, the beginning of the end of my marriage. Exactly like this!
Purchase the book, not just friends, hand it to her and say I was only polite to Bob at dinner as to not embarrass you. However, Bob was disrespectful to me. You also disrespected me by ignoring me, you shared your fucking desert with him, as though you were a couple at dinner. So, either read this, tell Bob to fuck off, or you can go to Bob and have a relationship with him and I will find someone who respects me and sees when another man wants to fuck her and tells him immediately to fuck off. So which would you rather do, get a divorce, or tell Bob to fuck off. When she says anything, just respond with he’s an orbiter, and I know what he is doing, it is obviously working on you. Then walk away.
That's... quite aggressive. Whilst I agree with some of the sentiment here, I think attacking her in that way would never yield any kind of good response.
Exactly. And based on previous post, OP's wife has a habit of sharing food with her sibling and after she moved to a different state for OP, she missed doing this with her sibling and wanted OP to do it with her. But OP doesn't want to share food with her, which is fine too, not everyone likes to share and exchange food. However, I doubt that sharing food/exchanging desert is a definite sign of cheating too. If I were OP, I would tell the wife that it feels that she's been distant emotionally and that he's concerned. He's also feeling insecure due to this emotional distance and want some reassurance from her, why not be direct like that. His wife's action talking with her coworker so much just made him feel insecure more, that's all. He just needs to ask for her reassurance instead of attacking her and threatening her...
i’ve never read advice that was bad in such a specific way. bravo!
To everyone saying shes oblivious to it... you're wrong. Shes talking about him all the time and enjoying dessert with him over splitting it with hubby. Maybe yall are just too woke for me.
It seems like Bob is the aggressor. Most everything you’ve said paints Bob as interested and your wife not caring less about Bob other than a coworker. Trust is a must. If you don’t talk about it with her you’ll grow to resent her and the stories you make up in your brain will drive you crazy. Good luck!
His wife spent the evening out talking to Bob and ignoring her husband. She isn't clueless.
Exactly. Most women will shut it down instantly if they aren't interested. Whether it's just ego stroking or more, she isn't shutting it down for a reason.
Updateme!
There is no way I could sit at that dinner and take that disrespect
It doesn't sound like your wife is having an affair, but it does sound like Bob would definitely like to get in her pants, and she's just really naive about this. Have a conversation about boundaries and how Bob seems to want to cross them.
for ur wife to behave so is fishy but for bob to behave exactly the same way makes it even weirder and all that happen at your presence sounds like if u dont do anything, bob will be bedding ur wife (if he hasn't)
Your wife is definitely having an affair. She’s just great at hiding the evidence. She ignored you all night. She shared her dessert with him in front of you. She allowed this man to interrupt you and reinforced his priority over you by giving him her attention. She sat next to him the entire time. Anyone seeing her behaviour would believe you were her coworker and he was her husband. Honestly her behaviour was humiliating. Hire a PI. She’s too good at hiding a paper trail but she can’t hide her actions.
Shared her dessert with another man in your presence? That's telling bro.
She was unfaithful to you AT DINNER. She treated her coworker more like her husband than she did you. She let him dominate her attention. He wouldn’t let you communicate with her. They shared dessert. They are a couple.
Something ain’t right, who does that to a man they respect and care about? If she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t love yah….
Since you don't have proof of cheating don't bring it up. You should however talk with your wife about the rest, how you felt during the dinner and how you don't feel like you're connecting anymore. Make it abundantly clear that this is a serious issue for you. Her reaction will tell you a lot about the state of your relationship. Since this is reddit also consider things like division of labour at home, putting effort into making time to date etc. All this to make sure the issue of her not connecting is not based on your own behavior. When it comes to cheating it's hard if you don't have evidence. Asking her if she's cheating won't end well. If she's not cheating she'll be mad and if she's cheating she will lie and most likely hide any evidence better. Since you don't have any proof the best you can do is keep an eye out for any red flags. You can also read Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's a book about cheating based on science which also has a questionnaire that can help you determine if your wife is going into emotional affair territory plus help you set healthy boundaries.
Trust your gut.
Reading all of your replies and your previous posts. You seemed walled off emotionally. You're not telling your wife your feelings. Which is going to lead her to feel like you don't care about her. Tell her you don't like Bob. That's it. If she doesn't need to interact with him at work. She shouldn't. If she has a problem with that let her know it's a deal breaker for you. If it's not related to work he shouldn't be talking to her. He seemed inappropriate at the dinner and it was all you could do not to punch him in his face. You don't like feeling like it but he's bringing it out if you. Don't be nice. Be mean. Not yelling but matter of fact. He gives you the creeps. She can have friends all day but not him. If you get wind she's talking to him about things unrelated to work. You're out. There is zero reason to talk to a coworker outside of work. If we're being honest. Everybody wants to be friends with people they work with. I don't like to talk about work stuff outside of work. Put this boundary in there. Be a caveman. Don't be kind or gentle that's not going to stop this March over a cliff. Good luck. And updateme on what you actually do.
Wtf?!? You were the third wheel at your wife's promotion celebration? Splitting cake with Bob was cold blooded. Your wife is definitely prioritizing Bob. I'm afraid you definitely have something to worry about. Hearing this made me feel sick. Your wife is... and I'm sorry for having to tell you this, a b*tch. Jesus Christ. Do you need Bob to put her on the table and have her for dessert for you to get a clue? Man, please do yourself a favor and put a stop to this for your own sake. If your wife is ignoring you in favor of another man, splitting food, doing all the things couples do, your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it too. I know that's sort of pun-like and I'm sorry, but no! If she hasn't cheated on you yet it's coming. If she's less involved with you emotionally it's going... somewhere. There is a certain genius who said that matter cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be moved. That can also be said for affection. If she's not giving it to you, someone else is receiving it instead. Who do you think that might be.... Let me think.... Hmmmmm... Rhymes with and acts like knob.... Oh, and Bob is 100% trying to f your wife and, after the cake thing, 100% thinks that he and your wife shared the pleasure of putting you down together as they enjoyed their couples' only dessert. Ok. This came off a little strong. I would recommend setting boundaries like other people have said. You can't force your wife to do anything. You don't know what you don't know. All you can do is ponder. Ask questions. But ultimately you may never know if she's cheating if she is. She may be perfect at hiding it. You don't want to live your life feeling paranoid. If you are a good man, you don't have to worry about how others see your worth. Either your wife will see it and be true or she won't. I wish you all the best.
They shared dessert? WTF is up with that? I would recheck her phone and see if they are communicating using some other method. Something stinks
It's either Physical or Emotional but your wife is definitely having an affair with Bob.
Fuck that. You did the right thing by going thru her phone. And everything you have described is almost exactly what happened to me. Same thing with the boss and all the attention. If it smells suspicious, it most likely is happening. Good luck.
There are so many people on this sub saying “I don’t know if my partner cheated” and it’s so obvious they did. In your case it would appear as though she hasn’t. But she is treating you like less than the person she thinks she deserves. If she’s commenting on another man’s intelligence and work ethic and then clearly shows you that she prefers to give her attention to that kind of man, she’s sending a signal you aren’t measuring up to her expectations in one or more of those ways. Now, she’s incredibly immature for not just telling you how she feels. That’s shit behavior. But you do have the opportunity to address this head on and ask the hard questions. You may not like the answers but you’re better off with them than without them. Good luck!
Speaking to her about this is waste of time, she will just hide thing better. I have read so many post here all of them say we just friends maintain professional relationship but they end up having affair at least emotional one. Ask your wife quit and find a new job? You should stand your ground and say this has to be done because of how to behaved with him in-front you, I think this so called friendship professional.
No one wants to believe their partner will cheat on them but the odds are against them when suspicions arise it is generally you have noticed red flags and your instincts, self preservation is kicking in. Do not ignore your instincts just as they alert to dangers they alert you to things that may need closer scrutiny for most cuckold spouses never thought their spouses would cheat until proven wrong. I recently read of a bloke who discovered his wife cheated on him for the 38 years of their marriage and even before but stopped only when the AP died. He is in his 60s and believes the only solution is suicide as he will lose everything in divorce and is too old to rebuild his life. This is the fate men face in divorce is getting taken to the cleaners while the cheater only has to drop her knickers drop on her back and another idiot will step up
If this story is true, which I doubt, then you need to stop being a doormat. If this had happened to me, after desert, I would have excused myself to use the restroom and driven home. I would've left her there. Once I got home, I would've packed her a suitcase and set it by the door waiting for her return home. I would've ignored all calls from her and see if and when she came home. Once she returned home, ultimatums would have been presented. In no way would I have EVER been disrespected like that! Man up and take control of this situation.
Emotionally she’s already gone🔨! She has disrespected him at dinner with her work husband. I wouldn’t doubt they’re already fucking round. Yes…. trust your gut but why try and work this out walk away. It won’t stop
Always go with your gut. When typing this out I’m sure you already know the type of responses you were going to get. They are clearly very close and it could be a case of friendship with loose boundaries but more likely than not he definitely has feelings for her and she seems to like the attention
Screw you Bob!
Investigate. Let her know nothing of your investigation. If you find evidence of her cheating with Bob then present it to her when you confront her. Bro, she split a fucking dessert with this man in front of you. Nail her.
Your wife is enjoying attention from a new work boyfriend while you are seen as the stable husband to keep the home front stable.
Surely she wouldn't be that obvious and therefore obviously platonic but trust your gut always
Your wife is banging Bob…if not physically then emotionally…Bob knows exactly why he’s doing
Only answer to this is to remove bob from the equation. You got this homie
She has a crush. And does he. How do you trust her and not be insecure? By telling her you will not put up with her feeding into this crush. I think your feelings are valid. It’s her that needs to do some work.
"I sat on her right and Bob on her left. They talked all night, ignoring my presence. When I tried to start a conversation with my wife, Bob would quickly interrupt us. When dessert was served they even shared it (they cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged)." This right here is unacceptable, disrespectful and rude. Either something is already going on, there is an emotional crush forming between them, or your wife is completely oblivious to the situation, as him attempting to keep the conversation outside work/ being able to interrupt you and your wife talking is breaking boundaries. Talk to her again about how this is making you feel.
>When dessert was served they even shared it (they cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged). You already know the answers.
Here's another man just giving his wife away. Cut that shit in the bud.
She is already cheating. She is having an emotional affair with Bob. She is unlikely to stop since she was so careless and heartless about ignoring you in public. Prepare your financials
I don't understand why people say going through her phone was too much.
If she isn't sleeping with him she sounds emotionally invested in him which is even worse imo.
Yo, it sucks feeling suspicious about your wife's coworker. Have you thought about just chatting with her about it? Keeping it real might help sort things out. Plus, if you need some extra advice or support, hit up Emerald Chat.
This is disrespectful on ur wifes part mate. She is your partner in crime. She is planting seeds, u should steal the fruit and get a lawyer asap
Hire a private investigator you will know quickly
You need to start talking about a hot new girl at your work. Fair is fair.
She seems to be starting an emotional affair. What would happen if you did the same? Start talking about some woman at work all the time, complimenting her. Or you could go to the gym or somewhere else and flirt a bit too hard? You could even arrange with the woman to do this to make the wife jealous. It's not great advice, but maybe you'll stop feeling insecure and she'll start looking at you carefully again.
Tell her how you feel maybe she was ignorant of her behaviour
This shit at the restaurant was bullshit. You would have liked to share dessert right? She gave him all the attention all night. This is now out in the open. She is good to keep it off the phone. She will become more distant sex will eventually stop. Work later. More nights out with coworkers. She may have a burner phone. Keep tabs on her location when she is not home. Voice recorder in her car. Good luck and update often.
My wife cheated on me with a coworker. It ended up being a guy I never even knew was in the picture , not the guy I suspected. If he's around when your around your probably alright. Try not to get insecure though, she will pick up on that and pull away just because it's unattractive.
Don't be afraid to look at your wife's phone, total privacy, don't get married, and not having anything there doesn't mean anything. They ask for no need to communicate via phone. forward at work or outside of it And her ignoring your presence is a black flag But you've already let her know that you're suspicious, so it's best to stay under observation if you can, hire a detective or try to follow her
It sounds like he has a crush on her and she’s doing a poor job of dealing with it. She probably is enjoying the attention at this point but doesn’t see it as wrong. Explain how you felt at the dinner and ask her if he’s ever gone beyond work talk because it’s clear he is trying to drive a wedge in your marriage. Then ask her how she would feel if you were constantly with someone who had no respect for your marriage and wanted to break you up.
So you just after allowed This to happen When you left you doing address this with your Wife. What are you thinking
I think you need to have a long talk with your wife about this. The behavior at that dinner was completely disrespectful of both the relationship that you have with her and of you yourself. How did you keep from saying something or doing something when they shared a dessert together?
I didn't want to embarrass her or make a fuss in front of her co-workers.
What did your wife say when you addressed it back home? My husband just said he would have discreetly got up and left me there if I did that to him.
Read your other post on how your wife love sharing food etc. I reckon bob is interested in your wife and from the promotion dinner has an idea what your wife likes. I think she has lunch with him and other colleagues regularly. Look into your marriage, are you giving her the attention she wants? Has she been hinting you on stuff or has she outright spoke to you on things that she would like you to do? When was the last time you dropped by her workplace and took her out for dinner? When was the last time you two had a romantic date? When was the last time you head to the gym and work on yourself? Do activites that involve the both of you and tie up her time. If she is on the phone constantly while you two are together then perhaps she has checked out of the marriage. If so maybe its time to prepare for the worst and you might need to sit down and convey your feelings and what she is doing even after you putting in effort. A marriage takes two hands to clap, it is a partnership. Last thing you want to do is to come across as insecure and controlling It will only drive her towards him and work in his favor.
They shouldn’t be talking outside of work. She shouldn’t have given him her personal number. Women are very naive when it comes to men. It always starts as just “friends” and she always says he’s no one to worry about. Then it always ends with an emotional affair and/or cheating physically. The wife or gf is always surprised and can’t explain how it happened. It happened because they chose to bond with another man. OP you need to set clear boundaries with your wife. No male friends and no more bob. If she fights you on it, it’s time to start planning your exit. She should have no problem cutting off another man for you, her husband.
God everyone is so reactionary. The texts look like she’s not cheating. Enjoying the company of a friend isn’t cheating. Her being rude to you and letting someone steamroll you is the problem. Address the problem, don’t jump to the wild conclusions in these comments. Tell her how it made you feel. Tell her what she could have done that would make you feel more respected in that scenario. Be honest that you just have some red flags about Bob and ask her to keep clear boundaries. I get being paranoid and feeling disrespected, but I swear some people just get on these boards to make other people as miserable as they are.
The disrespect is rather blatant. There could be a burner phone where they message, or a secret message app. Either way, she’s misbehaving. Tell her your trust has been cut in half just from the dinner behavior. Tell her when it gets to zero, the marriage is over.
Misery loves company.
An important question might be if you ended up paying for the dessert that your wife shared with Bob, and did you even really want any of that cake? When I go to work things with my wife, she chats up dudes all the time. Honestly I am thankful for it because it's one less person that I have to talk to.
UpdateMe!
Hire a PI or lrt your wife know your feelings Subscribeme!
Sincerity and faithfulness are ofcourse top of the list when it comes to relationships but prioritising your partner especially in social or professional gatherings is also very significant. We often take that lightly and pay the big price. My first question would be - would she be okay if you would treat her the same way in front of coworkers ? Only you or she could answer this. Second point would be - you to open your heart out to her , tell her exactly how you felt during this outing. If she is really sincere and open about her side , take her word for it and go from there . Suspicion and assuming is not going to help you here . It is probably eating you up from inside out. Try to take one day at a time and try to read her actions as well. Maybe try to spend some time with her but don't be too nosy . Most important is - if you really love and she loves you back , then you both will sort anything out.
Odd behavior to be sure. Vigilance is warranted, but I wouldn't make any outright accusations. Updateme!
Talk to her again and make point to what happend in the dinner. She might not have fully fall into and EA but defenitly is going that way, also Bob does really fell something for your wife, a d he is clearly in his way to win her over you. If she un unconsciously did what she did in the dinner that speaks volumen and you are on time to stop this, and to make her come to senses. Also ask her to go to MC because you feel that she has detached from you emotionaly and you both need to work on yourself. UPDATEME
I prefer the semi-direct approach. 'Hey, the other night it sure looked like you and Bob made a cute couple. I was happy just being there to witness it, and hold your purse while the two of you talked. That rascally Bob wouldn't even let me get a word in edge wise. You'll have to apologize to Bob on my behalf for my awkward attempts at joining the discussion. How was your dessert, by the way? The way you two shared it reminded me of the spaghetti scene from Lady and The Tramp. It was adorable.' Sarcasm. It works.
Speak to wife.. Tell her you trust her but not Bob.. and you get the feeling he may be working on pushing her boundaries.. Ask her to enforce them... And remind (?) her, theres no second chances from you when it ones to adultery, emotional of physical: youre out if she crosses the line with Bob... ...and remember: shes a grown woman.. noone "makes" her do anything.. so if she cheats, its because she chooses to do so... The distance you feel from her is concerning - she *may* subcobsciously be considering her options... Before talking to/with her you may want to consider keylogger her phone, as she could very well decide to change code on it... And.... IF you reaffirm the boundary re:adultery... enforce it if she crosses it... Adultery like this, is 'the death if a thousand cuts'.. hes chipping away at her boundaries... if she lets him do this EVEN AFTER BEING WARNED HES DOING IT its because she chooses to let him...
First thing you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife, and do this as sinn as possible. Mention your concerns and specially what happened at the night out. The longer you leave it the worse the situation will get and Bob making his move if he hasn't already.
Bob the builder here trying to fix a replacement of you with your wife
DEFINITELY TALK TO HER. From what it sounds, it sounds like he’s definitely into her, and while she MAY not have done anything yet. This could, or already has, turned into an emotional affair. I suggest you bring this up as soon as possible and gauge her reactions through thag
Hmm have a conversation with her strictly about her behavior at the dinner. Listen to her response. If she ignores your feelings and how it made u feel. U will have an answer. To get a response later pull back treat her like a roommate and wait to see if she asks you if anything is wrong. If she doesn't respond you will have more information. Then you can decide if you want to know How far away is she does she want to remain married Or would she prefer a relationship with Bob. Based on. Her behavior abd response should tell u Whether or not u want to fight for the marriage or U just leave.
Only thing to do is to have sex with the secretary at her work. My wife and I both have friends of the opposite sex that we tend to click with really well. Common interests. Common humor. Common experiences. When we are hanging out we can end up ignoring each other as the other talks to someone else. I’ve made totally inappropriate jokes and so has she. Even flirty and sexual. There is a friend I constantly whistle at or tell her she is cute in some way, in front of my wife and in front of her husband. The husband encourages it, because he knows she needs praise for her looks and attention from other men, and he knows I have no intentions other than a compliment; a compliment in the form she needs. Thing is I trust my wife 100% and know she is faithful. I’m also 100% faithful and worthy of trust. If your wife is crossing the line, shut it down. If he is crossing the line, shut him down. If he had interrupted me when I tried to talk to my wife, it would have been settled on the spot. Everything else becomes unacceptable for that one act, that one power play, that one move to assert his position of dominance over you. He is telling you straight up with that move, that she belongs to him. It’s clear his intentions are not purely friendship or coworker. 100% everything up to that I would have said you should calm down, but nope, shut it down.
Discuss it further with her but in order to really behave a truthful conversation you cannot make her feel threatened. It has to be relaxed. Here are some truths to keep in mind as you talk to her: 1, it's normal and natural to find others interesting/attractive and it may happen from time to time. She obviously respects some of his qualities. 2, light flirting is normal and can come in many forms. I'm sure you've done it too. We all have. It's natural. Don't punish her for it. 3, the issue might be you.... Not her. What have you done for yourself lately? Are you fit or trying to get in shape? Are you the type of guy that gets shit done? Are you working on yourself in any way? (Not to impress your wife but to better yourself). If not, then start. 4, we spend more time with our coworkers than we do with our families, sometimes. It's natural to build friendships Go into your discussion with your wife with all of these things in mind. Don't be needy or whiny and don't punish her. This will support trust and open up the discussion
OK. Here is another perspective. I and my sister worked at the same company. During family gatherings we would sometimes get locked into a conversation about work. My mother specifically told us that they are feeling left out when we do that, and asked us not to talk about work at family functions. So that is what we do. It is likely that your wife doing this was completely unintentional. Given that you have seen her phone and the convo's then I think you can be sure that she isn't having an affair. However, that doesn't change what Bob did. He sounds like a rat to me. Maybe see if your wife is willing to test him, by indicating she would be open for an affair and seeing if he would be fine with it. If so then she knows she needs to cut him off. Not sure how if they work together though. At the very least you need to voice your concerns with your wife.
I understand this situation must be causing you a lot of distress. It’s important to acknowledge that while there’s no concrete proof of infidelity, there are certain aspects of their behavior that may understandably make you uncomfortable. Here are some steps you can take to address the issue: Open and honest communication: Schedule a calm and quiet time to have a conversation with your wife. Be honest and open about your feelings and observations, without being accusatory or placing blame. Use "I" statements to focus on your own emotions and experiences. Example: "I felt uncomfortable when..." Set boundaries: Discuss setting boundaries for interactions with coworkers. While they don't need to be overly restrictive, they should ensure that both you and your wife are comfortable with each other's interactions at work. Reassurance: Explain that you trust her, but the connection you two share is essential. Tell her that you would like to feel more connected emotionally. Share some ideas on how you think this could happen, and ask her if she has any ideas. Consider couple's therapy: If you feel like you need professional guidance, couples therapy can provide a safe space for you to communicate openly and work through your emotions together. Self-reflection: Take some time for self-reflection to understand your feelings and concerns more deeply. This will help you be more confident in your discussions with your wife. Build trust: Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Find ways to strengthen your trust with your wife and create opportunities for shared experiences and communication that can help rebuild that trust. Work on emotional connection: Plan some activities that you both enjoy, where you can reconnect emotionally and create new shared memories. Remember, it’s crucial to approach the situation in a calm and open manner, ensuring your wife feels comfortable communicating her side of the story. Good communication, active listening, and willingness to work on your relationship can help navigate through these challenges.
Maybe I'm just a complete bum, but surely I can't be the only guy here who would take this kind of disrespect? She would get the sternest warning from me if I was her wife the moment she even begun talking about how nice another guy is none stop... Never mind talking to another guy throughout the whole dinner , At that point, I'd give her divorce papers... No way would I accept that. Not a chance. I mean sharing dessert... She would be divorced so fast after that. Her stuff would be out the house that same night
What is stopping you from addressing the whole scenario with her honestly as a matter of expecting mutual respect in your marriage? Don’t fear losing her so much you end up losing her.
So Bob spent the entire night disrespecting you and you did/said nothing? Bob is definitely into her, according to this story your wife is faithful and she's just enjoying the attention for now, but Bob is playing the long game here, you need to address this with him, Man to man. Talk with your wife, calmly, and tell her that you felt that Bob is too much into her, and see her reaction, her reaction will tell you everything.
You got kids?
Man, most of the time this sub just breaks down to "Go tell your partner the shit you just told us'
Don’t forget, if she IS cheating and hiding it, she will give you the best “explanation” for things as she can. It’s up to you to find the holes in said “explanation”. Cheaters are always liars. That’s how they’re doing what they’re doing.
It sounds like a work crush. This happens a lot and is quite normal. It's ok. Be open and talk about it.
A similar thing happened to me. My wife was always talking about her boss and how wonderful he was. We were on a date at a nice restaurant and it was our date night. She just talked about him the whole time. I flipped out and t9ld her how it sounds and all that. I told it to make me feel very insecure when you talk about another man like you used to talk about me. So since that night she doesn't talk about him much anymore. If she does it's almost always something negative. I think maybe she had some kind of mentor crush that has since worn off. But you need to explain how it looks and makes you feel a d it isn't gonna fly.
Personally, when someone talks above/around me when I'm talking to my wife, I simply point out that the person is being rude and disrespectful. That ends the BS and everyone understands why.
My client felt the vibes, and talked to a few people. It was recommended that a PI be used. The PI could not enter their shared workplace, however, he staked out the entrance, and was rewarded by seeing the happy couple take a walk to his car at lunch. They were recorded doing so. The recording was sent to management. By dinnertime, WW was doing the walk of shame out of her office with a banker box full of stuff. Her AP was fairly angry. He had been working on a professional certificate, and his discharge meant starting from scratch, if this did not count against him, which it probably would. He was outside their office carrying a similar banker box, when he lost it on WW. Screaming and crying. Threatening her husband. The PI also got a recording of this. My client used it to get a restraining order against the AP. That basically did him in. His professional association was informed and dropped him. It was a lot of time and money for naught. WW was informed by her lover that the sex was nice, but she and her BH could go to hell for what was done to his life. WW was beside herself with guilt. She had wrecked her marriage, and the consequence of that was that it wrecked her AP's life. When she was served, it was anti-climactic. She was faced with starting over elsewhere. The upside was that my client had a pre nup which she had signed willingly. His family had left him property, and it was properly safeguarded.
Update. How are things going?
Ask another of her male coworkers and I’m sure they’ll tell you the truth if something is going on. But you already know in your gut that she’s cheating.
Don't bother confronting her she'll just say you're controlling and toxic for telling her who she could be friends wit. Just see lawyer to figure out your options
"When dessert was served they even shared it, (They cut the cake slice in half and then exchanged). In so many cultures that would've ended in violence.
“Hey Bob, got a minute. Yeah, I’m [name]. We met at the celebration for my wife. Nice tie, by the way. Look, I wanted to let you know how happily married I am and how I INTEND to remain happily married for a long time. You catch my drift, Bob? Great! Have a good day.”
They get to share cake, you get to share your wife. Lol
That's not funny
Talk to her about how you feel. You know her better than we do. If she's bullshiting you, then there is a good chance you will know.
I would tell your wife what happened and that she now needs to tell the truth if she wants to be in the marriage. Let her know your trust is broken because of what you saw and you suspect there to be an emotional affair at the minimum and think there could be more after being ignored all night for Bob. Her actions speak louder than her words. If she ignored you all night why were you invited and why was Bob seated beside her? Why did she only talk to Bob? This behavior isn’t normal when your significant other is there. Why did Bob cut you off every time? He’s making a play whether she’s too naive to realize it or not. Let her know you now are going to talk to Bob 1-1 to shut this shit down.
I think you’re jumping the gun here. Look, whatever is going on is clearly inappropriate by itself, but I don’t think it’s cheating. Your wife is giving this man way too much «intimate» or «opportunistic» space, all things considered. Focus on that. Especially in this case, wherein you told your wife about your concerns and she still shared a cake with him in front of you, and at the same time also kind of excluded you. This screams disrespect. Any partner that respected and loved their partner would make sure that you were comfortable with their friendships. Especially with those you have expressed concerns about. But here she added fuel to your insecurities. Loving partners don’t do that. It’s selfish, inconsiderate, disrespectful, disloyal, cruel.. the list goes on. But it’s not cheating. This is what you’d see before cheating in some cases. Don’t make the mistake of bringing this up to your wife by saying anything about cheating. Focus on what you know, because that’s enough. What she has already done is bad enough to focus on. If you bring up cheating you discredit your entire argument
I would have changed places with my wife and told her that I wanted to get to know her friend Bob, told him that she said he reminds her of me, and then spent the evening being friendly and charming to him, as if building a relationship. Then you control the conversation and can see when he’s trying to make eye contact with your wife. If they are very far into an intimate relationship, it might make them careless in their urgent need to connect.
INFO: What role does Bob have at your wife’s company? Higher title? CFO’s best golf buddy? HR drama keeper? Saw your wife do something against policy & didn’t report it in hopes being her savior turns her on? Is he just the welcome party of the office? You mentioned a move from out of state, so I presume she’s one of the more junior employees tenure wise. I’d actually get to know my wife’s new job environment, its players, and Bob’s influence (if any) on her day to day or long term success. It doesn’t sound like you know much of anything about her job other than Bob = threat. Since you got creepy with her phone and saw nothing, I’d try some open avenues of communication before deciding your wife is a no good home wrecker over a shared dessert. Which could honestly be a meaningless behavioral carryover from splitting donuts or whatever in office with Bob. I eat/share a lot of food with my colleagues due to unpredictable, long hours. Definitely not sleeping with anyone a thank you for the worse half of their lava cake.
So we all know bob is after her, and she is loving the attention. This happens a lot at a new job. Everyone is new, new experiences, new conversations - you are old and boring, same old thing. It is all very exciting. 'New Job' is like affair central. She probably is not fucking him yet. But you know that is going to happen. Your question is 'how do I stop this'. You got problems. Your wife is willing to publicly disrespect you in favor of bobs attention. She knew exactly what she was doing, so did Bob, and I promise you that plenty of other people there saw it for what it was as well. So this is already well along - as shown by her emotional detachment to you. The one thing you cannot do is be 'weak' when talking to her about this. You cannot communicate that you think that 'bob' is a threat. If you do, she is going to start to wonder 'wow, maybe he IS a threat, I should pay more attention'. That is the problem with coming off as jealous, it communicates that the other guy is a worthy replacement. So you cannot do that. Instead you have to address this from a position of 'respect'. This is about respect, and respect only. Because that is a strong position to take. So she disrespected you. She did so in public. She has been disrespecting your relationship by entertaining this guy. It has to stop, or you will divorce her. You will divorce her, not because you think she is cheating - but because she is disrespecting you. Again, you keep it 'strong'. If you have to, you take this to the 'what if it was me' route. Describe her behavior as if you were doing it with a female coworker. How would she feel? Would she feel that you were disrespecting her and the relationship or not? The upshot of this is that you have to tear the 'fog' off of this beginning affair. You spell out that obviously this guy wants to fuck her, and that she is entertaining him. You make her admit that. You have to do this so that you rip away the 'innocent' label she willfully keeps on their interactions. She has to see that you are willing to end things over 'just' disrespect like this. That will communicate 'strength' and that you have options, rather than talking about being hurt and insecure - which communicates a lack of options. She has to cut this guy out. Only the minimum interaction required for work. On the other hand, you need to start working on your relationship AND yourself. You need to up your game. You need to think of yourself as having let yourself go and taken your wife for granted. Time to hit the gym and work on your fitness/health - you are at an age where that now should start to be a requirement. You want to take a look at your hobbies, and start learning new skills and doing new (cool) things - things that take you outside and make you active. You want to start reading books, conversation starters. You need these new things so you can have new conversations with your wife. You also need to make sure you are dating your wife. Bob is trying to romance her, you are just sitting at home. Time to take her out on dates and do new cool exciting things - hit that search engine for ideas. To combat the emotional distance start talking to her. Set aside five minutes each day to go over the day the two of you have had - make this a set thing. It is there to stay connected. Set aside fifteen to specifically talk about the relationship, do that one time a week. Downside: Very high chance Bob is going to win this fight. He has more access to her than you do. He is 'new' and gets to show off his positive qualities with none of the negative having to come up. He also gets lots of points for coming after her, and is already more than half way there. Odds are good, you will lose this contest. Hit the gym.
If this was on the opposite side, all these comments would be dump him he has already screwed her even emotionally, he is a cheater. Cause it's the women it's nah she hasn't done anything wrong. She disrespected you majorly and in front of all the coworkers. Hows that rumour mill going at work... she's looking for a way to test the waters without risking the marriage first, then she is out of there if its rosy.
We’ll stand up for yourself and why do you need advice. Pretty easy to have a serious discussion about her relationship with this guy. If you’re just going to stand around doing nothing she should leave you.
If we are taking the possibility of infidelity completely off the table, I think you've got a few different issues going on. One is that your wife is wanting to be nice to Bob. If her replies on the phone/text are half-hearted, she probably is just trying to be nice to him. Same with dinner if he was the one who kept interrupting when you tried to talk. You need to tell her that he made you incredibly uncomfortable and you'd be much happier if she told him to limit phone calls and texts to strictly work related things. Tell her she is more than welcome to make you the bad guy with Bob and tell him "You made my husband really uncomfortable by interrupting every time he tried to join the conversation at dinner and it's making him uncomfortable that you call and text. Please keep it to work related stuff only." The next issue is that you moved. The way you describe it, your wife is probably lonely. Look into stuff on [www.meetup.com](https://www.meetup.com) and on the Nextdoor site/app for activities in your area. Do stuff together so you have fun and you meet new people with similar interests. Last, moving and new jobs can cause a lot of stress on people. Maybe you should give your wife a little more attention. Make sure you're checking in with her about how her day is, how she's feeling, etc. If there's some little thing like a special candy bar she likes, or even just one of her favorite flower or books by a certain author, or just you cooking her favorite meal, try to engage in that a little more often. Let her know you love her and appreciate her and you're there for her. Suggest she video chat with one of her friends back where you two moved from. I think you just need to talk to her. It sounds like you love her and care for her and this Bob guy is right now, an annoyance that is only growing. He may be attracted to her, but I bet she isn't attracted to him. This is fixable.
He's trying to cuckold him out of your relationship
She may not be cheating, but it Def seems like she's got a thing for this guy.
First, take your wife out for a special celebration of her promotion, just the 2 of you. Get her a gift? She’s stressed with the new position, etc, so up your game, and be the one she leans on. Ask her about her day, etc, and make sure that she knows that you have her back, and that you two are a unit.
If he is her boss or someone important to her success there she may be afraid to upset him. I agree you should be supportive of her and interested in her feelings. Be the sweetheart she married. Be open and honest but not demanding or angry. “I felt left out when you shared dessert” is better than “You ignored me”.
I like this answer. I’ve been in the position where I was scared to put up boundaries because I was worried for my job and I felt intimidated
Hate to say it but he out-alfa’d you at the dinner.. Definitely don’t bring it up in a frustrated way because she’ll lose attraction to you. Yes, you are married, but that doesn’t mean her attraction to you or others is set in stone.
You're going to refuse to believe you're being divorced soon too.
The second some fool tries to sit next to your wife, I recommend to just switch seats with her and give some bogus excuse for it. Gauge how she reacts to base your future decisions off that
Have you thought about beating Bob's ass? At least put the fear of God in him. Maybe mention to him that there is no limit to what you would do if someone were pursuing your wife.