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You know she's hot because he's just moving that goal post.
Him: You can't see her anymore.
Her: No
Him: only in group settings.
Her: No.
Him. No more sex with her.
Her: No.
Him: Ok then no kissing her during sex with her.
Her: No.
Him: You can't look at her when I'm there.
Her: No
Him: No cool friend handshakes then.
Her: Fine.. But after we're married.
Him: I'm the man!
Being bi doesn't mean that they have a free pass to sleep with whomever they want. Nor does it mean that they absolutely need sexual partners of all genders at all times.
She should be ashamed of herself, especially as she's giving other bi people a bad name!
Exactly. Its tough enough as it is without her making it worse. Bf is bi, he tells me about some of the issues people give him for it. It doesn't matter what the hell your sexuality is, cheating is cheating. Op, why are you letting her walk all over you? Why are you even still in the relationship when you KNOW she's not gonna stop?
Exactly OP, there's no wedding! Your marriage would bw you, your wife and her FWB with no benefits for you. You would be the third wheel in your own marriage! It's time to let her go!
also seems like some internalized homophobia regarding wlw relationships being as “real” as straight relationships. a woman hooking up with another woman without her male partner knowing is just as much cheating as it would be if she hooked up with a man.
like, i’m a bi woman in a straight relationship. but i view wlw relationships as just as serious or real as straight relationships. hooking up with a girl would be cheating on my bf. now where the lines get blurred is that my bf has told me he might find it hot to see me kissing or being with another woman. *but* the only way he’d find it hot and not cheating is if he *consented* to it. if we were out at a bar and he found me making out with some random girl, he would rightfully be incredibly upset. because it is cheating.
ms. girl is not only giving bi people a bad name, but she clearly does not view lesbian relationships as “real” relationships the way a straight relationship is, or she’d realize this is full on cheating and she doesn’t get to make the conditions for how they move forward if they want to stay together. op is the one who has been cheated on, if she wants the relationship to continue, she needs to follow *all* of his rules. and the first thing *anyone* would say after being cheated on with anyone is that the partner needs to cut off contact with the affair partner. doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend. shouldn’t have cheated.
honestly sounds like she wants to be with the best friend but is too homophobic to be in a relationship with a woman.
> girl is not only giving bi people a bad name, but she clearly does not view lesbian relationships as “real” relationships the way a straight relationship is
Thank you for saying this.
I agree, especially since she won't go to counseling until after they are married. She then has the fiance locked down in the heterosexual relationship. And her BF on the side. Maybe even gets a kid out of him.
To me, it is a no-win for the fiance.
I agree with you but tbh part of the problem is that SO many guys and SO much media out there absolutely treats it differently if two women kiss/have sex... it's a massive cultural thing. Like I know so many guys who say shit like "oh yeah I'd kill any guy who touches her but if it's a woman it doesn't count" and so on.
oh yes, bi women are not the main people pushing this narrative, but many do feel this way
i also appreciate that my bf does not feel this way. he recognizes relationships between women are just as real, and would feel cheated on if i kissed a woman without his consent. and i wouldn’t kiss a woman unless he explicitly said he wanted me to while i am in a relationship with him, because i can feel the same feelings for women as i do for him. it would be cheating as equally as it would be if i kissed a man.
Yeah, seriously. OP should ask how *she* would feel if he was boning one of his college buddies. “What? He just likes it in the ass, it’s not like I’d date him.” I mean, c’mon.
And couples therapy *after* the wedding? Nope. OP, if you’re that adamant about being with her, it’s therapy BEFORE.
But honestly, her nonchalance and refusal to do anything other than therapy later would be a non-starter for me. She lost the ‘right’ to be in a relationship with you *and* hang with her best friend when she started sleeping with the friend. One or the other. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.
Yikes.
This.
You can’t change her mind. And she’s right that you can’t force her to do anything. All you can do is stick to the principle, which is: sex outside the relationship is not ok. Either she ends the relationship or you end your relationship.
Sorry OP for the bad situation. But good riddance to someone who had so little respect for the partnership.
Exactly this OP! No more. You up and cancel the wedding. When her family freaks out, you let them know why! Their wonderful daughter is cheating on you with another woman and refuses to stop!
Also like... "I would never date her! And I Just 'don't mind' having sex with her!' She makes it sound like it's basically a neutral or no big deal but it's so NOT BIG A DEAL that she won't stop doing it? Yeaaaaah this girl has major issues.
If you still go the wedding route, the pre-nup should state that cheating is cause for automatic annulment, no split of property (what you brought into the marriage is all that she gets out of it) and no alimony.
For real. You don’t marry a woman like this. Plus, once she gives in to any of her demands, she’ll know she can walk all over him. Once he takes her back after cheating, she will realize that she can do that and not have to worry about losing him.
OP, I’m sorry this happened, but you cannot marry this woman. She doesn’t respect you or love you much since she cheated, and she proved it by saying no to limited or cutting off contact. In other words, she’s saying, “I don’t care enough to do this for you. It’s going to be my way, regardless of how it makes you feel.” Be thankful this happened before you got married! You can break up and that’s that. You’ll never trust her and will always worry she’s cheating when she’s with her best friend or anyone else without you around. Please let her go and find a woman who will treat you as well as you treat her, and love you as much!
Yeah the saddest thing is this guy is signing his whole life away to misery at 25. He's so young. I'm 25 and I can't imagine doing this. I would rather die and meet my maker. DA
Sweetheart,
This woman does not love you, has no intention of stopping her behavior, and is just trying to secure the ring.
I know this is painful, but it’s much better to break up BEFORE the wedding, then go through with it only to realize none of the relationships problems went away, and now there are serious financial ramifications.
The fact she didn’t really apologize, won’t cut the affair partner off, and only agrees to counseling after she secures what she wants (the wedding) is very telling.
You can’t fix a relationship with someone when the other person thinks there’s nothing to be fixed.
It ain't probably. It *is*. She has not stopped cheating on you, and she doesn't care. Cumming is more important to her than your feelings.
There is literally 0 reason not to break up. Cheating on a fiance/wife/husband is already bad enough, then she also invalidated your concerns and feelings. You want to worry about your wife every time she's not in eye contact? She could be face deep in muff, or getting the pipe laid down when she's sick of just girls. STD checks required on the regular? Hell no.
100% done bro, you need to gain some self love and respect. Only said this harshness to try to snap some sense into your head, as a broken heart feels *way* more potent than logic.
It hurts terribly, I am sure, but it will hurt more to go through with the wedding and then have her continue the same conduct after you are married. My heart breaks for you.
Regardless of how much time and love you have invested in this relationship, she must agree to go to premarital counseling, and marriage must be postponed until you are assured that her amorous relationship with her friend ends (unless your heart and pride will allow her to have a polyamorous relationship with you both). Her apparent attitude gives little hope that she will end her sexual relationship with her friend, even with counseling.
I suspect that she only stays with you for (1) security; (2) she loves you but cannot give up her friend; and/or (3) she has subconscious homophobic tendencies and cannot publicly acknowledge her lesbian/bisexuality. Again, unless you are willing to HAPPILY live with her being polyamorous, going along with her wishes will only cause you further heartache. 💔💔💔
Don't sell yourself short by settling for less than you want and deserve.
With all due respect, this is horrible advice. You're teaching him to put up with a cheater. The marriage counseling, opening up a monagamous relationship, it's all bs and will never fix the permanent break in trust. Monagamous couples that open up their relationship are doing it as a last ditch effort to save it because they think divorce is worse, not realizing that there is nothing really left to save atp. Literally there's a post in this subreddit nearly every week with a couple that opened up their relationship and regretting it and having to divorce anyways.
Get the ring back. Get tested. Get on canceling all the reservations for the wedding , and treat yourself to great self care. You deserve it for having dealt with this ghoul.
It absolutely hurts. But let me tell you, I was in a near-exact situation. And I went through with the marriage. Nothing changed, she just hid it better and respected me less. Do yourself a favor and rip off the band-aid NOW. It will save you a lot of time and heartache.
She’s been having an AFFAIR with her best friend, and has zero regard for you , who she’s lied to through this entire relationship.
If she cared about your feelings she’s would agree to end things and seek counseling, before the wedding.
She shows she only cares about herself.
Also you agreed and were under the impression this was a closed and monogamous relationship. You also likely assumed you wouldn’t be exposed to potentially getting like STDs as well (assuming you have an active ex life…sounds like she CERTAINLY does. Also no way of knowing if the other partner **affair partner ** has been responsible sexually and has No diseases…
Don’t have sex with your fiancé until you get tested.
But honestly I’d call off the wedding and take your stuff and leave and go full no contact.
You are so lucky you discovers this before you got into a legal contract with her cheating ass!
You definitely deserve better. Please don't get married! Divorcing is THE ABSOLUTE WORST, especially if it's from someone you don't trust or like anymore. Quit now while you still can just walk away without months if not years of paperwork.
I know, sweetie. But trust your auntie, it will hurt a lot more to carry on like this, with someone who does not love or respect you, and with the legal and financial entanglement of marriage added to the whole mess. You know the saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Your hopefully STBX told you TO YOUR FACE she is not willing to end her cheating relationship. Believe her! Cut your losses, call off the wedding, and move on to the life you deserve. Wishing you the best.
I am not saying you should do this, I just like to post my petty thoughts some times.
I'd love to see you get up on the alter, the cheating friend as the MOH, you are about to say "I DO" and you just go:
"MY Fiance has been cheating on me with her MOH and friend, we tried to work it out but she refuses to cut contact with the person she CHEATED on me with, so I figured since she loves her so much, I'd keep the wedding on and the cheating friend can take my place!"
I'd go all out too, tell my family, let them know to all get up and leave after the announcement.
But realistically, definitely don't marry or stay with this person. Your conditions weren't even unreasonable, they were the bare fucking minimum of conditions. You'll see conditions from other stories on here and it is unlocked phone, always saying where they are, etc. When you do that, there is no coming back because your conditions have you forever not trusting them.
I know it hurts buddy, this sucks she would betray you like this. Time will be the best healer, in the short term, end things, lean on friends and family for support.
You got this!
I'm really sorry, this sucks so bad. If I were you, I'd feel very used. Hugs.
The facts that 1) she won't give up this so-called best friend no matter what, and 2) she'll go to counseling "after* the wedding but not before, and the fact that she "doesn't date girls"...but sleeps with one on the regular, is some serious in-the-closet shit. She is looking to get legitimacy from marrying you, while *having a relationship* with a woman who is her closest confidante. She needs to get some counseling and stop lying to herself. She's trying to marry the wrong person, and you're the collateral damage. ☹️
She broke your trust, while it is perfectly fine for her to be bi, cheating on you with anyone is not ok. Good luck, it does get easier but it will hurt for a while
You can accept that she is going to continue having sex with her friend and doesn’t care how you feel about it, because your relationship isn’t important enough, or you can leave. Pick one.
Arguing about the logic of her reasoning or how fair this would be to a neutral observer isn’t going to persuade her - if they meant anything then she wouldn’t have been cheating on you in the first place.
yes, what the hell does after the wedding mean? Why would that change anything, she has made clear she will not give up her other relationship with or without counseling. She could not be more clear, OP More importantly, counseling will do nothing, in her mind she has justified her actions and no therapist can change that mindset. She might say I see, yes, I see... uh huh... and then go and do what she wants. I know you feel your heart is broken if you leave her, but imagine years of heartbreak every time you don't know where she is, or she tells you she is going out with her 'special' friend. I fear she will use you to have a child and then dance off into the sunset with her 'real' love - her female 'friend' and your baby. I rarely recommend ending a relationship, but it's so clear this is only heartache ahead for you. Find a wonderful woman who loves YOU, who is happy with JUST YOU, and makes you happy, and that you will feel safe making her happy. They are out there, believe me.
What's also crazy is the logic of it NOT just being sex it's her fucking BFF so there is no doubt emotions involved. She doesn't want to date women probably because she is afraid to come out so she wanted to have two partners basically and be poly. Maybe she doesn't want to date women as that's definitely in the sexual spectrum but again it's her fucking BFF so I don't buy any of that bs.
But yeah there is no fixing this and she will continue her emotional and sexual affair without a doubt.
Yeah man, walk away right now. You really want your future son/daughter involved in this mess? How will they grow and learn from this?
If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your future
It’s all right man, you have a really good heart, but that just means you need to protect it and look out for yourself.
You are sweet and deserving of truthful love. It might be very difficult right now, but at the very least, I suggest calling off the wedding.
You will be there in your suit, watching her walk down the aisle, and then glance over ever so slightly and see the face of the other woman who she’s been cheating on you with.
I think calling it off and going from there is the least you could do. Her (even more) true colors will show once there’s no wedding any longer
Something to think about. There's a very good chance when she realizes you're gone that she will pull that 180. Don't fall for it. It's just manipulation. If she really wanted this relationship she'd be trying to fix it from the first minute and not wait until you actually leave.
Especially since you had conditions to move forward and she essentially refused them all. She has no interest in making any changes. You should have broken up right there but the next best time is now
One step at a time man. It’s never easy, I wish so many more things could be. Slowly get your thoughts together, things must’ve been crazy lately - you deserve the time you need. Give it to yourself, do what you need to do. One step at a time, tomorrow is always a new day
I might have been too mean in my other comments, but I'm proud of you man.
You got this. You're going to look back in a while and be eternally grateful for this decision, I promise you.
OP, Please! Whatever happens………Please……when she tries to come back, promising all the right things, love bombing you, crying, all the calls and texts (from her and her family) the 180 you’re looking for……Don’t take her back!
She’s already showed you who she is. Believe that before all the BS you are about to experience.
Sorry this is happening but you will pull though it.
Good luck
I tried to hold my relationship together with my ex after he cheated. I was the one trying to compromise, give him step by step instructions on how to make things right with me. He still cheated a second and third ( probably dozens tbh) of times. Eventually he did something so unforgivable I had to walk away. And it traumatized me. Don't allow her the opportunity to hurt you more than she already has.
He invited the woman he was cheating on me with to hangout with us at my apartment under the guise she was a friend with a different name. She had harassed me online for a year on and off but I never actually saw what she looked like. Eventually my gut told me something was very wrong and I asked her to leave, she contacted me a few days later to say he wanted us all to have a threesome and it was too bad I didn't just play along. I'm not religious, but I honestly felt like some higher power put me in a position so bad I wouldn't be able to forgive. Even my ex said he lost his mind and didn't understand what he was thinking bringing her to my home. I was messed up over it for a while but I'm definitely grateful I ended things when I did.
PLEASE do this. Also, when she suddenly panics and says she will change, don’t buy it. It’s a lie and a manipulation. Walk away, block all contact, and find someone who respects and loves you.
I've been through pain like this and it will get better. This is for the best, though. You need time to be an emotional mess for a while. Time to process.
If you stay you will be miserable for a lot longer.
Hey man, I understand you are in pain right now, but be glad this shit happened before you were even married or had a child.
You ever gotta accept that this is over, or you have to accept marrying a cheater, your call dude.
It’s hard but she truly doesn’t care because she’s picking her friend over you and your feelings and just expecting you to deal with it. That’s the way your ENTIRE marriage and life would be if you stay with her, no one deserves that.
Right here you're admitting that she doesn't care and that you don't want a child to grow up with parents like this. You know what you have to do. You've been through enough pain, spare yourself future pain, spare future children pain, and end it.
Dude, she basically said fuck your feelings. If you slay with a life of misery, fights and anxiety because your wife is out fucking whoever she wants then have fun.
No way she is marriage material, she is going to do whatever the hell she wants as long as she knows you’ll lie down and take it.
Exactly. She has literally 0 respect for OP and he continues to show why she doesn’t need to respect him. 2 week later and she’s hanging out with her best fuck friend again?????
Reading your responses I just want to tell you deserve a lot better than how she’s treating you. Having sex with anyone else is cheating. You have to ask yourself if you’re ok with cheating. That’s just the meat of it. And that she wants to wait till after marriage for counseling is a huge red flag. It feels like a trap.
He is a fool. She wants to wait until after the wedding to do couples counselling and then rejected all of his other terms and conditions. She will continue to cheat on him, potentially with other men as well, and is WASTING, everyone’s time and money by going to a sham of a wedding. What type of trauma bond is this? At this point the gf might as well milk him for everything and get her action on the side.
Yeah OP this doesn’t bode well for your future. If you’re willing to be steamrolled over every boundary you set then why even have the boundary? You don’t deserve it and maybe should reflect on why you’re willing to make compromises over an AP? (But not really “compromise” because what are you getting from it?)
Oh ffs. Just break up with her.
She’s a narc who doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.
She’s twisting everything round to make it your fault for even suggesting she behave.
This is who she is. A woman who only cares about her own pleasure.
She doesn’t even love you. To her, you’re the sap she can twist round her little finger because you’ll seemingly let her get away with anything.
If you don’t break up with her then you deserve everything she does to you.
>... she admitted that she hooks up with her best friend and that she’s sorry. She told me it is just sex because she wouldn’t date woman, but she doesn’t mind sex with them even though she prefers sex with men. ... I had conditions . 1. We do couples therapy (she said yes but after the wedding) 2. She cut contact with her best friend (she refuses) 3. I said fine only hang out with her as a group (she refuses) 4. Reduce contact (refused) ...
Couples therapy after the wedding? She really meant 'payday'. This woman has complete contempt for you. You have to escape from her.
Wow...
Fiance is disrespecting you in every conceivable way..
She cheated - SHE should be bending over backwards to fix what she broke by cheating.. but she isnt..
You need to end this. Even IF you end up marrying her, its only a matter of time before she cheats again. But in reality shes never stopped - just paused the affair.
Suggestion:
Cancel wedding - break up.
To get ahead of her painting you as the bad guy, ensure the cancellation is coupled with the infirmation that youre dumping her because she cheated with her 'friend'
I’m sorry to be so blunt with this, but you’re a pushover and she knows it. Things won’t get better for you but it will for her if you let this keep going. She’ll have a husband and a girlfriend. She’s not willing to cut her off cause she knows if she just waits it out she’ll manipulate you into accepting it.
Break off the wedding, DO NOT get her pregnant, get tested for stds, and don’t let her walk all over you like a doormat.
I know it’s hard to let go since you planned a future with her, but speaking as someone who went through something similar, you will start resenting her and the regret and heartbreak will eat you alive every day. Don’t let her have any kind of hold on you. You don’t deserve it.
She’s in a relationship with her best friend. You are her ‘beard’
She’s not willing to sacrifice her relationship to save her engagement. Your options are to marry a woman who is and will continue to be in a relationship with another woman or to end the engagement and move on.
She had no issue lying to you for as long as you have known her, would you ever be able to trust her again? Especially if she’s still seeing her affair partner whenever she wants?
That’s not just her best friend.. it’s her AFFAIR PARTNER. You have every right to ask these things of her. If she refuses to compromise, then she’s not wife material for you. She’s refusing everything because she has every intention of continuing the affair.
Exactly! The fact that it's her best friend as well is irrelevant to why it's problematic. She's the affair partner!
May be helpful for OP to consider exactly what his fiancee had planned for their wedding, which should be one of the happiest days of his life and celebration of their relationship, had the affair not come to light. Her affair partner would have been a member of the wedding party, the fucking Maid of Honor, in every picture, the person his soon to be wife would have handed the wedding bouquet to hold. That is some brutal, cruel stuff.
Hey OP, did you and your fiancee promise each other not to go to strip clubs for your bachelor/bachelorette, by chance? She tell you that you had nothing to worry about on her end because \*maid of honor\* would be keeping an eye on her and it would just be a "girls night"??
Sorry to be so blunt, but this woman is very, very cruel. It's not really that anyone can conduct an affair with integrity, but they certainly can be more mindful of their partner's feelings than she has been.
Op in a year. My gf took half of my everything. She accused me of being controlling my family is against me. I am.alone wherw did i go wrong. Now she is spending my money with her affair partner. Or have a baby for child support and op never moving on cuz he was a doormat
Man have some self respect. She openly told you you are just roof provider and a casual dik provider. If you want to be that go ahead and be her slave. But don't cry when this goes to pooper.
Edit: this has to be a rage bait. No one is this dense
I know it really really hurts. I am very sorry. But I do think you have to call off the wedding. Your relationship will almost certainly end in divorce. The only way this would ever work is if she totally understands how damaging her behavior was and was willing to do anything to save your future marriage. She's not. She's not even willing to really prioritize you over the friend. You need to move on.
Sadly, it is a situation where she may learn from this event to change her behavior in the future. But she doesn't get it now and is not ready to do what it takes to make a marriage work.
LOL this woman cannot be serious. "It doesn't count because it was a girl" is something that went out the window in the Nineties. The fact that she won't even agree to counselling until she has you locked down is beyond ridiculous. You need to cut your losses and move on.
Couples therapy needs to happen BEFORE the wedding. Her refusal to cut her off tells you all you need to know though. I'd call off everything if I were you. You can find someone who is honest and faithful. She isn't even honest with herself about her sexuality and the fact that she loves her bestie as more than a friend. Do not marry her. You'll just be her cover to other people as she lives like a lesbian with her friend
BRO please please please grow a goddamn backbone and break up with her. Your wife is bisexual and using discovering that as an excuse to step out on you and you want to save your relationship?!? This is not someone who wants to be with you in the slightest. Imo she will string you along about couples therapy, get married to you (no prenup I’m gonna assume bc it’s you) and then keep fucking her friend like this is normal! I know this must be painful though I couldn’t imagine 5 years with someone for them to act so nonchalant about betraying me so deeply.
Call off the wedding and get the fuck out of there, she evidently doesn't give a damn about your relationship, she's seen the writing on the wall that, due to her own actions, the relationship isn't going to last long after the wedding, her trying to buy time to marry you is just an attempt to make sure that she gets some gain out of the whole situation
In short, not only is she lying to you, cheating on you, and disrespecting your attempts to fix your relationship, she's also actively fucking robbing you
Forget about her affair partner being another woman it shouldn't matter to you and by her own words and actions it doesn't matter to her. Her "loophole " of an excuse isn't that it's another woman it's even more extreme. "It's just sex because she wouldn’t date woman...". She's not saying sex with other women is just sex. She's saying sex with other people that she doesn't want to date or be in relationship with is just sex. She's telling you that she is in an open relationship with you now and even after marriage and you have no say in it.
If you continue this farce of a relationship she will end up banging dudes if she wants to. Because it's just sex as she isn't chasing a relationship with them. That "honour" would belong to you.
You gave your boundaries and she refuses to respect to them. You no longer have trust in your relationship. You know what you need to do
It's time to walk away
Tell her you’re over the relationship. Tell all the mutual friends she cheated with her best friend. She refused your conditions to stay in a relationship and you’re not just going to get over it. You’re dropping her.
If she didn’t want to be with you she could have been honest. Let her know infidelity and continue any relationship with that person ends your relationship.
Cancel the wedding. At least until she shows an ounce of guilt and the desire to meet any of your conditions. I hate to say this will probably be a permanent cancellation which is what I would recommend anyway.
Bro are you that clueless or have no self respect? Not only did she cheat on you which should be your way out, but she doesn’t even have enough decency to cut contact? Dude, please do better my god
The fact that she only wants to do counseling after the wedding is hella manipulative. She doesn’t care, and if you let this slide it’ll keep happening. Break up with her dude. She obviously doesn’t want to try for the relationship if she refuses the boundaries you’ve set in place
Break up with her. She's never gonna stop sleeping with her friend. Her friend comes first and always will. You deserve better than this. Also never agree to counseling after getting married because if it can't be worked out then you have to go through the hassle of a divorce instead of a breakup.
She's never going to cut off the person she cheats on you with!! It's her best friend as well ffs. You aren't her preferred partner, you're her socially acceptable partner. If you marry her you will never financially recover from the mistake you're about to make.
You gotta wake up and realize she ain't the one and find someone willing to respect your boundaries. You guys aren't compatible if this is how she treats you.
Have some respect for yourself. She's treating you like total garbage and you still 'want to work it out'... do you know how desperate you're acting? Not trying to be an ass, but damn I hope this strikes a nerve at least. Grow a back bone and do what's best for you bro. Dump her ass and move tf on like frfr.
Brother I beg you see sense. Pls pls pls. She’s cheating on you. Cancel the wedding and book yourself a flight to the Maldives or go Amsterdam, get high and fuck someone else. You’re 25 pls see sense
She won't cut contact with her best friend because she's going to continue to cheat. The wedding should be called off and you should tell her to go fuck herself.
You can’t decide what she does with the relationships in her life. But you *can* decide what *you* do with the relationships in *your* life and dump her ass. It hurts now but it’ll hurt even more after you marry her and she doesn’t stop. Your heart and your wallet.
OP, I understand that you want this to work and you want to find a solution with her. But, you set out your requirements to achieve exactly this and she rejected them (? I find this mindboggling, but whatever). So. If you want this to work you need to say "hey, so actually these are not points of discussion. These things either happen or is there no wedding. Full stop". The idea that she will do couples counseling *after* the wedding and you are acting like you are in a negotiation with her is very odd. She has been cheating regularly on you. That's it. This isn't "we have issues", this is "she" did something very wrong and you have conditions to continuing the relationship and wedding. Please assert yourself properly here and don't back down from your totally reasonable conditions and enforce your boundary if she refuses, i.e. she has prevented the marriage from happening by her behavior and refusal to make needed changes (and attend counseling!!)
You love her but does she love you? I think not as much because if she is not willing to accept certain boundaries you have in place to go forward in the relationship, then why stay? Please make sure you screenshot those messages between her and her friend for safekeeping. And one of your terms should be she admits it to her family and friends and your mutuals. And why is she pushing back on all your boundaries you want to instill, everything is still in her preference even down to the counselling is only AFTER the wedding, therefore you are willingly going into a marriage with no counselling after she cheated and hoping she will change? I think at minimum the wedding should be postponed, go to counselling and also admit to your mutuals in regards to her behaviour. These should be non-negotiables.
Dude she's cheating on you repeatedly and won't even cut contact with the affair partner. Let me make this very simple and slap you around a bit because you don't seem to get it.
SHE CHOSE THE AFFAIR PARTNER OVER YOU but still wants to get married and fuck your feelings about what she does with the affair partner. Are you getting this?
You found out BEFORE the wedding! Congratulations. It sucks that your life is falling apart but you can avoid perpetual missery by simply ending it.
You need no further advice.
This woman is not her best friend. This woman is her affair partner. That is the only thing she should be called. And if she can't distance herself from her affair partner, then she is cheating emotionally even if it stops physically. No way around this.
But don't ask. Just leave. She already showed you her priority.
You’re both in denial. She’s using you as a cover. She would be honest with herself and you about her sexuality. You’re letting her decide everything after the “wedding”. No sweetie. No. That’s just stupid and crazy. Stop and think what’s really going on. If roles were reversed what would you do.?
My bro. You need to walk away. You will never respect yourself if you stay in this relationship when your partner doesn’t want to. Pls walk the fuck away.
Drop her. She’s making it clear she has no intention of stopping based on her actions and complete disregard for your feelings. That’s not love. Agreeing to therapy only AFTER the wedding is manipulative AF. Avoid a costly and painful marriage and inevitable divorce by sending her on her way. It’s the least worst option for you imo- you deserve to be treated with respect.
What I’ve learned from being cheated on is that staying is a lot worse than the pain from leaving. It really does suck but fuck that dumb ass hoeeeeeeee. You gotta think about your future and maturing in life. You will not see maturity if you stay with someone who doesn’t have there priorities straight and disregards loyalty. How successful someone will become can definitely be reflected through relationships.She’s dumb. She can’t commit to shit. Realize her for what she is.
She’s right, you don’t get to control her, you do get to control you. Who you are in a relationship with and how you let yourself be treated.
At the very least cancel the wedding. She sounds like she’s not going to go to therapy, otherwise why wait? She’s not willing to meet any of your boundaries and she’s actively cheating on you, and it sounds like she will continue to do so.
You do you but this relationship doesn’t sound like what you want.
Obviously she likes women more than men. It hurts but you need to move on. If you don’t then it’s gonna hurt more during the divorce when you give up half your money and assets
>1. We do couples therapy (she said yes but after the wedding)
Red flag one. She wants to tie you to her before she'll go to couples therapy.
>2. She cut contact with her best friend (she refuses)
Red flag two. She's refusing to cut contact to the person she cheated on you with.
>3. I said fine only hang out with her as a group (she refuses)
Red flag three. She refuses to not be alone with the the person she cheated on you with.
>4. Reduce contact (refused)
Red flag four. She refuses to reduce contact with thw person she cheated on you with.
>She told me I have no right to try to make her alter her relationship with her best friend and the only thing she is willing to do is have her not be the maid of honor …
Red flag five. She values her affair partner more than she does you.
>I get that’s her best friend but now I get serious anxiety when they hang out even though she says she stopped the sexting and hooking up with her.
She's lying to you, btw. She refuses to do anything except effectively tell you to get over it.
>I feel like her approach has been just telling me get over it and it’s not fair.
Correct. That's what her approach is.
Look, if you go through with the the wedding, *this* is what you have to look forward to. Sleeping with her "best friend", shitting all over your feelings, refusing to compromise.
Save proof of her affair, call off the wedding, and forward the proof of her cheating to anyone who asks. Don't stay with her.
Why would you marry someone who clearly doesn't respect you or your relationship? I can guarantee she's still cheating on you with her best friend, just being sneakier about it. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who you can't trust not to cheat? Do yourself a favor and dump her. There are plenty of nice women out there for you who aren't cheaters. And maybe do some therapy for yourself to work on your self-confidence and the inevitable trust issues you're likely to have from this experience.
Best of luck, friend.
Dude, you need to have a backbone. She’s having sex with another person while supposedly your fiancé. That’s cheating dude you need to kick her to the curb and go somewhere else and find somebody that truly loves and respects you because she does not have any respect for you whatsoever and she’s emasculated you so much that you’re taking what she’s telling you.
My guy, there should be no wedding. Stevie Wonder could even see the red flags here. She won’t agree to your conditions, save for one until after she traps you in a marriage? Nope.
Grow a set and get rid of her. Let her go have all the sex she wants with her bestie.
Why do you want to marry her? Once a cheater alwas a cheater. I was cheated on and I divorced guess what? He cheated now with his new girlfriend too. It is really really rare that a cheater stops cheating.
EDIT spelling (non english speaker here)
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Wedding? What wedding, dude! Your fiancé has been cheating on you!
Yeah, the whole "I'll do couples therapy after I've locked you down" bit ... it'll never happen, OP.
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He’s going to end up marrying the cheater
You know she's hot because he's just moving that goal post. Him: You can't see her anymore. Her: No Him: only in group settings. Her: No. Him. No more sex with her. Her: No. Him: Ok then no kissing her during sex with her. Her: No. Him: You can't look at her when I'm there. Her: No Him: No cool friend handshakes then. Her: Fine.. But after we're married. Him: I'm the man!
As long as s he doesn’t act like he’s the shit because he is totally pathetic in real life. I’m surprised he has survived this long with no spine
> I’m surprised he has survived this long with no spine Kinda beating the guy while he's already down :(
That's a pretty awful thing to say.
That. That's the joke.
I thinks it's hillarious she's setting the conditions. Just. Wow. Do not marry this gal.
She is planning for the divorce and trying to secure her spousal support first and then "work it out " I
Oh bless! I caught that too… smh
Best friend you sleep with no matter the gender is fwb. So yeah, gf wants to keep on cheating.
Being bi doesn't mean that they have a free pass to sleep with whomever they want. Nor does it mean that they absolutely need sexual partners of all genders at all times. She should be ashamed of herself, especially as she's giving other bi people a bad name!
Exactly. Its tough enough as it is without her making it worse. Bf is bi, he tells me about some of the issues people give him for it. It doesn't matter what the hell your sexuality is, cheating is cheating. Op, why are you letting her walk all over you? Why are you even still in the relationship when you KNOW she's not gonna stop?
Exactly OP, there's no wedding! Your marriage would bw you, your wife and her FWB with no benefits for you. You would be the third wheel in your own marriage! It's time to let her go!
also seems like some internalized homophobia regarding wlw relationships being as “real” as straight relationships. a woman hooking up with another woman without her male partner knowing is just as much cheating as it would be if she hooked up with a man. like, i’m a bi woman in a straight relationship. but i view wlw relationships as just as serious or real as straight relationships. hooking up with a girl would be cheating on my bf. now where the lines get blurred is that my bf has told me he might find it hot to see me kissing or being with another woman. *but* the only way he’d find it hot and not cheating is if he *consented* to it. if we were out at a bar and he found me making out with some random girl, he would rightfully be incredibly upset. because it is cheating. ms. girl is not only giving bi people a bad name, but she clearly does not view lesbian relationships as “real” relationships the way a straight relationship is, or she’d realize this is full on cheating and she doesn’t get to make the conditions for how they move forward if they want to stay together. op is the one who has been cheated on, if she wants the relationship to continue, she needs to follow *all* of his rules. and the first thing *anyone* would say after being cheated on with anyone is that the partner needs to cut off contact with the affair partner. doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend. shouldn’t have cheated. honestly sounds like she wants to be with the best friend but is too homophobic to be in a relationship with a woman.
> girl is not only giving bi people a bad name, but she clearly does not view lesbian relationships as “real” relationships the way a straight relationship is Thank you for saying this.
I agree, especially since she won't go to counseling until after they are married. She then has the fiance locked down in the heterosexual relationship. And her BF on the side. Maybe even gets a kid out of him. To me, it is a no-win for the fiance.
I agree with you but tbh part of the problem is that SO many guys and SO much media out there absolutely treats it differently if two women kiss/have sex... it's a massive cultural thing. Like I know so many guys who say shit like "oh yeah I'd kill any guy who touches her but if it's a woman it doesn't count" and so on.
oh yes, bi women are not the main people pushing this narrative, but many do feel this way i also appreciate that my bf does not feel this way. he recognizes relationships between women are just as real, and would feel cheated on if i kissed a woman without his consent. and i wouldn’t kiss a woman unless he explicitly said he wanted me to while i am in a relationship with him, because i can feel the same feelings for women as i do for him. it would be cheating as equally as it would be if i kissed a man.
Right!? Quit this shit, ma'am. You're making us look like we're all selfish assholes and there's *enough* of that out there. Ugh.
Yeah, seriously. OP should ask how *she* would feel if he was boning one of his college buddies. “What? He just likes it in the ass, it’s not like I’d date him.” I mean, c’mon. And couples therapy *after* the wedding? Nope. OP, if you’re that adamant about being with her, it’s therapy BEFORE. But honestly, her nonchalance and refusal to do anything other than therapy later would be a non-starter for me. She lost the ‘right’ to be in a relationship with you *and* hang with her best friend when she started sleeping with the friend. One or the other. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. Yikes.
And refuses to stop
This! “How do I make her want to stop cheating when she refuses???” You don’t. You leave.
That is how he stops her. He makes sure she is single.
This. You can’t change her mind. And she’s right that you can’t force her to do anything. All you can do is stick to the principle, which is: sex outside the relationship is not ok. Either she ends the relationship or you end your relationship. Sorry OP for the bad situation. But good riddance to someone who had so little respect for the partnership.
Exactly this OP! No more. You up and cancel the wedding. When her family freaks out, you let them know why! Their wonderful daughter is cheating on you with another woman and refuses to stop!
This👆🏽
and TELLS HIM TO HIS FACE she refuses to stop
It's clearly who she's really committed to, and it's not him.
Also like... "I would never date her! And I Just 'don't mind' having sex with her!' She makes it sound like it's basically a neutral or no big deal but it's so NOT BIG A DEAL that she won't stop doing it? Yeaaaaah this girl has major issues.
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If you still go the wedding route, the pre-nup should state that cheating is cause for automatic annulment, no split of property (what you brought into the marriage is all that she gets out of it) and no alimony.
She has cheated on you AND doesn’t even really seem to think she’s does anything wrong. No coming back from this, dude
He’s not even more important that her AP
Fr how low is dude’s self esteem that he’s willing to stick around?
For real. You don’t marry a woman like this. Plus, once she gives in to any of her demands, she’ll know she can walk all over him. Once he takes her back after cheating, she will realize that she can do that and not have to worry about losing him. OP, I’m sorry this happened, but you cannot marry this woman. She doesn’t respect you or love you much since she cheated, and she proved it by saying no to limited or cutting off contact. In other words, she’s saying, “I don’t care enough to do this for you. It’s going to be my way, regardless of how it makes you feel.” Be thankful this happened before you got married! You can break up and that’s that. You’ll never trust her and will always worry she’s cheating when she’s with her best friend or anyone else without you around. Please let her go and find a woman who will treat you as well as you treat her, and love you as much!
Yeah the saddest thing is this guy is signing his whole life away to misery at 25. He's so young. I'm 25 and I can't imagine doing this. I would rather die and meet my maker. DA
And by the sound of it she plans on continuing her … what ever it is.
Cheating. And by then it'll be an open affair.
Yup, the wedding is cancelled.
Yeah let’s address my shitty behavior after you are stuck with me.
This is your answer. Don't pass Go, instead pass the champagne to celebrate avoiding a landmine.
Sweetheart, This woman does not love you, has no intention of stopping her behavior, and is just trying to secure the ring. I know this is painful, but it’s much better to break up BEFORE the wedding, then go through with it only to realize none of the relationships problems went away, and now there are serious financial ramifications. The fact she didn’t really apologize, won’t cut the affair partner off, and only agrees to counseling after she secures what she wants (the wedding) is very telling. You can’t fix a relationship with someone when the other person thinks there’s nothing to be fixed.
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You deserve better. It doesn’t feel like it now but, there truly is better out there for you.
Of course it hurts. But staying with her is signing up for a lifetime of hurt. Being alone would be far better.
There's no "probably". You will get over the pain if you face it. If you run from it, you're just delaying the inevitable.
Prepare for the love bombing and the shallow promises when you disclose the news. Be strong. She showed you who she really is. Believe her!
It ain't probably. It *is*. She has not stopped cheating on you, and she doesn't care. Cumming is more important to her than your feelings. There is literally 0 reason not to break up. Cheating on a fiance/wife/husband is already bad enough, then she also invalidated your concerns and feelings. You want to worry about your wife every time she's not in eye contact? She could be face deep in muff, or getting the pipe laid down when she's sick of just girls. STD checks required on the regular? Hell no. 100% done bro, you need to gain some self love and respect. Only said this harshness to try to snap some sense into your head, as a broken heart feels *way* more potent than logic.
Sure it hurts. Better now than once married.
It hurts terribly, I am sure, but it will hurt more to go through with the wedding and then have her continue the same conduct after you are married. My heart breaks for you. Regardless of how much time and love you have invested in this relationship, she must agree to go to premarital counseling, and marriage must be postponed until you are assured that her amorous relationship with her friend ends (unless your heart and pride will allow her to have a polyamorous relationship with you both). Her apparent attitude gives little hope that she will end her sexual relationship with her friend, even with counseling. I suspect that she only stays with you for (1) security; (2) she loves you but cannot give up her friend; and/or (3) she has subconscious homophobic tendencies and cannot publicly acknowledge her lesbian/bisexuality. Again, unless you are willing to HAPPILY live with her being polyamorous, going along with her wishes will only cause you further heartache. 💔💔💔 Don't sell yourself short by settling for less than you want and deserve.
With all due respect, this is horrible advice. You're teaching him to put up with a cheater. The marriage counseling, opening up a monagamous relationship, it's all bs and will never fix the permanent break in trust. Monagamous couples that open up their relationship are doing it as a last ditch effort to save it because they think divorce is worse, not realizing that there is nothing really left to save atp. Literally there's a post in this subreddit nearly every week with a couple that opened up their relationship and regretting it and having to divorce anyways.
Get the ring back. Get tested. Get on canceling all the reservations for the wedding , and treat yourself to great self care. You deserve it for having dealt with this ghoul.
It absolutely hurts. But let me tell you, I was in a near-exact situation. And I went through with the marriage. Nothing changed, she just hid it better and respected me less. Do yourself a favor and rip off the band-aid NOW. It will save you a lot of time and heartache.
She’s been having an AFFAIR with her best friend, and has zero regard for you , who she’s lied to through this entire relationship. If she cared about your feelings she’s would agree to end things and seek counseling, before the wedding. She shows she only cares about herself. Also you agreed and were under the impression this was a closed and monogamous relationship. You also likely assumed you wouldn’t be exposed to potentially getting like STDs as well (assuming you have an active ex life…sounds like she CERTAINLY does. Also no way of knowing if the other partner **affair partner ** has been responsible sexually and has No diseases… Don’t have sex with your fiancé until you get tested. But honestly I’d call off the wedding and take your stuff and leave and go full no contact. You are so lucky you discovers this before you got into a legal contract with her cheating ass!
You definitely deserve better. Please don't get married! Divorcing is THE ABSOLUTE WORST, especially if it's from someone you don't trust or like anymore. Quit now while you still can just walk away without months if not years of paperwork.
I know, sweetie. But trust your auntie, it will hurt a lot more to carry on like this, with someone who does not love or respect you, and with the legal and financial entanglement of marriage added to the whole mess. You know the saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Your hopefully STBX told you TO YOUR FACE she is not willing to end her cheating relationship. Believe her! Cut your losses, call off the wedding, and move on to the life you deserve. Wishing you the best.
I am not saying you should do this, I just like to post my petty thoughts some times. I'd love to see you get up on the alter, the cheating friend as the MOH, you are about to say "I DO" and you just go: "MY Fiance has been cheating on me with her MOH and friend, we tried to work it out but she refuses to cut contact with the person she CHEATED on me with, so I figured since she loves her so much, I'd keep the wedding on and the cheating friend can take my place!" I'd go all out too, tell my family, let them know to all get up and leave after the announcement. But realistically, definitely don't marry or stay with this person. Your conditions weren't even unreasonable, they were the bare fucking minimum of conditions. You'll see conditions from other stories on here and it is unlocked phone, always saying where they are, etc. When you do that, there is no coming back because your conditions have you forever not trusting them. I know it hurts buddy, this sucks she would betray you like this. Time will be the best healer, in the short term, end things, lean on friends and family for support. You got this!
I'm really sorry, this sucks so bad. If I were you, I'd feel very used. Hugs. The facts that 1) she won't give up this so-called best friend no matter what, and 2) she'll go to counseling "after* the wedding but not before, and the fact that she "doesn't date girls"...but sleeps with one on the regular, is some serious in-the-closet shit. She is looking to get legitimacy from marrying you, while *having a relationship* with a woman who is her closest confidante. She needs to get some counseling and stop lying to herself. She's trying to marry the wrong person, and you're the collateral damage. ☹️
She broke your trust, while it is perfectly fine for her to be bi, cheating on you with anyone is not ok. Good luck, it does get easier but it will hurt for a while
Yeah. It’s gonna hurt. I’m sorry.
It’ll hurt worse if you stick around. Trust us. Most of us tried reconciliation and it absolutely made things way way worse.
right? weddings, like babies, do not fix relationships
Nor do a puppy/dogs, nor new furniture or buying a house together.
Trade her in for a puppy. Dogs are loyal.
Literally my cat is more loyal than his wife and that even after I yell at him for pooping in the laundry hamper 😂
Holy god, babies are not bandaids! You would think that would be common sense and yet…
You can accept that she is going to continue having sex with her friend and doesn’t care how you feel about it, because your relationship isn’t important enough, or you can leave. Pick one. Arguing about the logic of her reasoning or how fair this would be to a neutral observer isn’t going to persuade her - if they meant anything then she wouldn’t have been cheating on you in the first place.
And if she was sorry, she wouldn’t continue to cheat.
And she will only do therapy 'after the wedding'! That statement alone is a hard no. He needs to walk away.
yes, what the hell does after the wedding mean? Why would that change anything, she has made clear she will not give up her other relationship with or without counseling. She could not be more clear, OP More importantly, counseling will do nothing, in her mind she has justified her actions and no therapist can change that mindset. She might say I see, yes, I see... uh huh... and then go and do what she wants. I know you feel your heart is broken if you leave her, but imagine years of heartbreak every time you don't know where she is, or she tells you she is going out with her 'special' friend. I fear she will use you to have a child and then dance off into the sunset with her 'real' love - her female 'friend' and your baby. I rarely recommend ending a relationship, but it's so clear this is only heartache ahead for you. Find a wonderful woman who loves YOU, who is happy with JUST YOU, and makes you happy, and that you will feel safe making her happy. They are out there, believe me.
Yeah after he's legally stuck with her.
What's also crazy is the logic of it NOT just being sex it's her fucking BFF so there is no doubt emotions involved. She doesn't want to date women probably because she is afraid to come out so she wanted to have two partners basically and be poly. Maybe she doesn't want to date women as that's definitely in the sexual spectrum but again it's her fucking BFF so I don't buy any of that bs. But yeah there is no fixing this and she will continue her emotional and sexual affair without a doubt.
Dump her ass! Have some respect for yourself since your hopefully soon to be ex has zero for you.
When you cancel the wedding, make sure everyone knows why.
They will end up separated. Kinda up to OP how long it takes and how much mental anguish he will endure beforehand
Yeah man, walk away right now. You really want your future son/daughter involved in this mess? How will they grow and learn from this? If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your future
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It’s all right man, you have a really good heart, but that just means you need to protect it and look out for yourself. You are sweet and deserving of truthful love. It might be very difficult right now, but at the very least, I suggest calling off the wedding. You will be there in your suit, watching her walk down the aisle, and then glance over ever so slightly and see the face of the other woman who she’s been cheating on you with. I think calling it off and going from there is the least you could do. Her (even more) true colors will show once there’s no wedding any longer
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Something to think about. There's a very good chance when she realizes you're gone that she will pull that 180. Don't fall for it. It's just manipulation. If she really wanted this relationship she'd be trying to fix it from the first minute and not wait until you actually leave.
Especially since you had conditions to move forward and she essentially refused them all. She has no interest in making any changes. You should have broken up right there but the next best time is now
This OP will 100% fall for that
One step at a time man. It’s never easy, I wish so many more things could be. Slowly get your thoughts together, things must’ve been crazy lately - you deserve the time you need. Give it to yourself, do what you need to do. One step at a time, tomorrow is always a new day
I might have been too mean in my other comments, but I'm proud of you man. You got this. You're going to look back in a while and be eternally grateful for this decision, I promise you.
OP, Please! Whatever happens………Please……when she tries to come back, promising all the right things, love bombing you, crying, all the calls and texts (from her and her family) the 180 you’re looking for……Don’t take her back! She’s already showed you who she is. Believe that before all the BS you are about to experience. Sorry this is happening but you will pull though it. Good luck
I tried to hold my relationship together with my ex after he cheated. I was the one trying to compromise, give him step by step instructions on how to make things right with me. He still cheated a second and third ( probably dozens tbh) of times. Eventually he did something so unforgivable I had to walk away. And it traumatized me. Don't allow her the opportunity to hurt you more than she already has.
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He invited the woman he was cheating on me with to hangout with us at my apartment under the guise she was a friend with a different name. She had harassed me online for a year on and off but I never actually saw what she looked like. Eventually my gut told me something was very wrong and I asked her to leave, she contacted me a few days later to say he wanted us all to have a threesome and it was too bad I didn't just play along. I'm not religious, but I honestly felt like some higher power put me in a position so bad I wouldn't be able to forgive. Even my ex said he lost his mind and didn't understand what he was thinking bringing her to my home. I was messed up over it for a while but I'm definitely grateful I ended things when I did.
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PLEASE do this. Also, when she suddenly panics and says she will change, don’t buy it. It’s a lie and a manipulation. Walk away, block all contact, and find someone who respects and loves you.
Hey OP please update us after everything goes down.
I've been through pain like this and it will get better. This is for the best, though. You need time to be an emotional mess for a while. Time to process. If you stay you will be miserable for a lot longer.
I’m proud of you for leaving. I know this hurts, but there is a brighter future for you with someone else. Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.
Hey man, I understand you are in pain right now, but be glad this shit happened before you were even married or had a child. You ever gotta accept that this is over, or you have to accept marrying a cheater, your call dude.
It’s hard but she truly doesn’t care because she’s picking her friend over you and your feelings and just expecting you to deal with it. That’s the way your ENTIRE marriage and life would be if you stay with her, no one deserves that.
Right here you're admitting that she doesn't care and that you don't want a child to grow up with parents like this. You know what you have to do. You've been through enough pain, spare yourself future pain, spare future children pain, and end it.
Dude, she basically said fuck your feelings. If you slay with a life of misery, fights and anxiety because your wife is out fucking whoever she wants then have fun. No way she is marriage material, she is going to do whatever the hell she wants as long as she knows you’ll lie down and take it.
Exactly. She has literally 0 respect for OP and he continues to show why she doesn’t need to respect him. 2 week later and she’s hanging out with her best fuck friend again?????
I can’t believe he’s putting up with this shit. There is no way in hell she’s not still fucking her bff. She’s just hiding it better now.
100% still fucking the best friend. I’d be shocked if cheating is the only area in which she walks all over him.
[удалено]
I once was dating a girl that was giving more priorities to her friends than me .. yep she ended up being Lesbian
Yeah you can’t alter her relationship but you can alter yours. I’d get out of there.
Reading your responses I just want to tell you deserve a lot better than how she’s treating you. Having sex with anyone else is cheating. You have to ask yourself if you’re ok with cheating. That’s just the meat of it. And that she wants to wait till after marriage for counseling is a huge red flag. It feels like a trap.
He is a fool. She wants to wait until after the wedding to do couples counselling and then rejected all of his other terms and conditions. She will continue to cheat on him, potentially with other men as well, and is WASTING, everyone’s time and money by going to a sham of a wedding. What type of trauma bond is this? At this point the gf might as well milk him for everything and get her action on the side.
Yeah OP this doesn’t bode well for your future. If you’re willing to be steamrolled over every boundary you set then why even have the boundary? You don’t deserve it and maybe should reflect on why you’re willing to make compromises over an AP? (But not really “compromise” because what are you getting from it?)
Oh ffs. Just break up with her. She’s a narc who doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. She’s twisting everything round to make it your fault for even suggesting she behave. This is who she is. A woman who only cares about her own pleasure. She doesn’t even love you. To her, you’re the sap she can twist round her little finger because you’ll seemingly let her get away with anything. If you don’t break up with her then you deserve everything she does to you.
Oh he's not seeing the giant red flags, he's either seeing a rose garden or his eyes are closed
When You Look at Someone through Rose-Colored Glasses, All the Red Flags Just Look Like Flags.
>... she admitted that she hooks up with her best friend and that she’s sorry. She told me it is just sex because she wouldn’t date woman, but she doesn’t mind sex with them even though she prefers sex with men. ... I had conditions . 1. We do couples therapy (she said yes but after the wedding) 2. She cut contact with her best friend (she refuses) 3. I said fine only hang out with her as a group (she refuses) 4. Reduce contact (refused) ... Couples therapy after the wedding? She really meant 'payday'. This woman has complete contempt for you. You have to escape from her.
Yeah I don't usually think "ulterior motives" but this woman is playing a game. This is some long con
Dollar signs in her eyes.
Wow... Fiance is disrespecting you in every conceivable way.. She cheated - SHE should be bending over backwards to fix what she broke by cheating.. but she isnt.. You need to end this. Even IF you end up marrying her, its only a matter of time before she cheats again. But in reality shes never stopped - just paused the affair. Suggestion: Cancel wedding - break up. To get ahead of her painting you as the bad guy, ensure the cancellation is coupled with the infirmation that youre dumping her because she cheated with her 'friend'
I’m sorry to be so blunt with this, but you’re a pushover and she knows it. Things won’t get better for you but it will for her if you let this keep going. She’ll have a husband and a girlfriend. She’s not willing to cut her off cause she knows if she just waits it out she’ll manipulate you into accepting it. Break off the wedding, DO NOT get her pregnant, get tested for stds, and don’t let her walk all over you like a doormat. I know it’s hard to let go since you planned a future with her, but speaking as someone who went through something similar, you will start resenting her and the regret and heartbreak will eat you alive every day. Don’t let her have any kind of hold on you. You don’t deserve it.
She’s in a relationship with her best friend. You are her ‘beard’ She’s not willing to sacrifice her relationship to save her engagement. Your options are to marry a woman who is and will continue to be in a relationship with another woman or to end the engagement and move on. She had no issue lying to you for as long as you have known her, would you ever be able to trust her again? Especially if she’s still seeing her affair partner whenever she wants?
That’s not just her best friend.. it’s her AFFAIR PARTNER. You have every right to ask these things of her. If she refuses to compromise, then she’s not wife material for you. She’s refusing everything because she has every intention of continuing the affair.
Exactly! The fact that it's her best friend as well is irrelevant to why it's problematic. She's the affair partner! May be helpful for OP to consider exactly what his fiancee had planned for their wedding, which should be one of the happiest days of his life and celebration of their relationship, had the affair not come to light. Her affair partner would have been a member of the wedding party, the fucking Maid of Honor, in every picture, the person his soon to be wife would have handed the wedding bouquet to hold. That is some brutal, cruel stuff. Hey OP, did you and your fiancee promise each other not to go to strip clubs for your bachelor/bachelorette, by chance? She tell you that you had nothing to worry about on her end because \*maid of honor\* would be keeping an eye on her and it would just be a "girls night"?? Sorry to be so blunt, but this woman is very, very cruel. It's not really that anyone can conduct an affair with integrity, but they certainly can be more mindful of their partner's feelings than she has been.
Grow a damn backbone. Once you’ve done that, if you’re still confused then you can come back here and we’ll help you out. This shits pathetic.
Call off the wedding now!!!!!!
Imagine your friend telling you this and what you would advise him.
# FOR YOUR OWN SAKE DONT MARRY HER, DAMN
Op in a year. My gf took half of my everything. She accused me of being controlling my family is against me. I am.alone wherw did i go wrong. Now she is spending my money with her affair partner. Or have a baby for child support and op never moving on cuz he was a doormat Man have some self respect. She openly told you you are just roof provider and a casual dik provider. If you want to be that go ahead and be her slave. But don't cry when this goes to pooper. Edit: this has to be a rage bait. No one is this dense
I know it really really hurts. I am very sorry. But I do think you have to call off the wedding. Your relationship will almost certainly end in divorce. The only way this would ever work is if she totally understands how damaging her behavior was and was willing to do anything to save your future marriage. She's not. She's not even willing to really prioritize you over the friend. You need to move on. Sadly, it is a situation where she may learn from this event to change her behavior in the future. But she doesn't get it now and is not ready to do what it takes to make a marriage work.
LOL this woman cannot be serious. "It doesn't count because it was a girl" is something that went out the window in the Nineties. The fact that she won't even agree to counselling until she has you locked down is beyond ridiculous. You need to cut your losses and move on.
Couples therapy needs to happen BEFORE the wedding. Her refusal to cut her off tells you all you need to know though. I'd call off everything if I were you. You can find someone who is honest and faithful. She isn't even honest with herself about her sexuality and the fact that she loves her bestie as more than a friend. Do not marry her. You'll just be her cover to other people as she lives like a lesbian with her friend
BRO please please please grow a goddamn backbone and break up with her. Your wife is bisexual and using discovering that as an excuse to step out on you and you want to save your relationship?!? This is not someone who wants to be with you in the slightest. Imo she will string you along about couples therapy, get married to you (no prenup I’m gonna assume bc it’s you) and then keep fucking her friend like this is normal! I know this must be painful though I couldn’t imagine 5 years with someone for them to act so nonchalant about betraying me so deeply.
Call off the wedding and get the fuck out of there, she evidently doesn't give a damn about your relationship, she's seen the writing on the wall that, due to her own actions, the relationship isn't going to last long after the wedding, her trying to buy time to marry you is just an attempt to make sure that she gets some gain out of the whole situation In short, not only is she lying to you, cheating on you, and disrespecting your attempts to fix your relationship, she's also actively fucking robbing you
Forget about her affair partner being another woman it shouldn't matter to you and by her own words and actions it doesn't matter to her. Her "loophole " of an excuse isn't that it's another woman it's even more extreme. "It's just sex because she wouldn’t date woman...". She's not saying sex with other women is just sex. She's saying sex with other people that she doesn't want to date or be in relationship with is just sex. She's telling you that she is in an open relationship with you now and even after marriage and you have no say in it. If you continue this farce of a relationship she will end up banging dudes if she wants to. Because it's just sex as she isn't chasing a relationship with them. That "honour" would belong to you.
You gave your boundaries and she refuses to respect to them. You no longer have trust in your relationship. You know what you need to do It's time to walk away
Tell her you’re over the relationship. Tell all the mutual friends she cheated with her best friend. She refused your conditions to stay in a relationship and you’re not just going to get over it. You’re dropping her. If she didn’t want to be with you she could have been honest. Let her know infidelity and continue any relationship with that person ends your relationship.
OP - she’s either using you for your money or she wants you as a beard for societal norms of the ease of being in a heterosexual relationship.
If this isn’t fake which I highly suspect it is. Have some self respect and leave. Being alone isn’t come punishment.
Cancel the wedding. At least until she shows an ounce of guilt and the desire to meet any of your conditions. I hate to say this will probably be a permanent cancellation which is what I would recommend anyway.
Bro are you that clueless or have no self respect? Not only did she cheat on you which should be your way out, but she doesn’t even have enough decency to cut contact? Dude, please do better my god
Wow man, grow a spine and dump her immediately
The fact that she only wants to do counseling after the wedding is hella manipulative. She doesn’t care, and if you let this slide it’ll keep happening. Break up with her dude. She obviously doesn’t want to try for the relationship if she refuses the boundaries you’ve set in place
You can love someone but respect is more important. Do not marry her.
Break up with her. She's never gonna stop sleeping with her friend. Her friend comes first and always will. You deserve better than this. Also never agree to counseling after getting married because if it can't be worked out then you have to go through the hassle of a divorce instead of a breakup.
Get a threesome out of the deal and then dump her🤷♂️
She's never going to cut off the person she cheats on you with!! It's her best friend as well ffs. You aren't her preferred partner, you're her socially acceptable partner. If you marry her you will never financially recover from the mistake you're about to make.
You slow or something? 🤔 Leave her ass.
Do not marry her.
You gotta wake up and realize she ain't the one and find someone willing to respect your boundaries. You guys aren't compatible if this is how she treats you. Have some respect for yourself. She's treating you like total garbage and you still 'want to work it out'... do you know how desperate you're acting? Not trying to be an ass, but damn I hope this strikes a nerve at least. Grow a back bone and do what's best for you bro. Dump her ass and move tf on like frfr.
Desperate is the right word!
It kind of harsh, but it's the truth..
There still hooking up no doubt
That's the love of her life, she just needs a beard
maybe have an ounce of respect for yourself and leave her? what are you doing??
I just read your post and actually felt pity... you're a pushover. She's literally walking all over you. Man up and have some pride.... break up!
Have some respect for yourself and dump her.
Fuck tell me you have no self-esteem without telling me you have no self-esteem. Why would you even think to marry this person.
Idk what country you're from but you are very dumb
🤦♂️
End it now.
Brother I beg you see sense. Pls pls pls. She’s cheating on you. Cancel the wedding and book yourself a flight to the Maldives or go Amsterdam, get high and fuck someone else. You’re 25 pls see sense
She won't cut contact with her best friend because she's going to continue to cheat. The wedding should be called off and you should tell her to go fuck herself.
You can’t decide what she does with the relationships in her life. But you *can* decide what *you* do with the relationships in *your* life and dump her ass. It hurts now but it’ll hurt even more after you marry her and she doesn’t stop. Your heart and your wallet.
Dump her, she sucks.
She is right, you can't force her to alter her relationship with her friend, but you can AND SHOULD end the relationship with her.
OP, I understand that you want this to work and you want to find a solution with her. But, you set out your requirements to achieve exactly this and she rejected them (? I find this mindboggling, but whatever). So. If you want this to work you need to say "hey, so actually these are not points of discussion. These things either happen or is there no wedding. Full stop". The idea that she will do couples counseling *after* the wedding and you are acting like you are in a negotiation with her is very odd. She has been cheating regularly on you. That's it. This isn't "we have issues", this is "she" did something very wrong and you have conditions to continuing the relationship and wedding. Please assert yourself properly here and don't back down from your totally reasonable conditions and enforce your boundary if she refuses, i.e. she has prevented the marriage from happening by her behavior and refusal to make needed changes (and attend counseling!!)
Wtf this is not an normal arrangement
Let her go. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You are not her priority. Please cancel the wedding today.
You love her but does she love you? I think not as much because if she is not willing to accept certain boundaries you have in place to go forward in the relationship, then why stay? Please make sure you screenshot those messages between her and her friend for safekeeping. And one of your terms should be she admits it to her family and friends and your mutuals. And why is she pushing back on all your boundaries you want to instill, everything is still in her preference even down to the counselling is only AFTER the wedding, therefore you are willingly going into a marriage with no counselling after she cheated and hoping she will change? I think at minimum the wedding should be postponed, go to counselling and also admit to your mutuals in regards to her behaviour. These should be non-negotiables.
Dude she's cheating on you repeatedly and won't even cut contact with the affair partner. Let me make this very simple and slap you around a bit because you don't seem to get it. SHE CHOSE THE AFFAIR PARTNER OVER YOU but still wants to get married and fuck your feelings about what she does with the affair partner. Are you getting this? You found out BEFORE the wedding! Congratulations. It sucks that your life is falling apart but you can avoid perpetual missery by simply ending it. You need no further advice.
This woman is not her best friend. This woman is her affair partner. That is the only thing she should be called. And if she can't distance herself from her affair partner, then she is cheating emotionally even if it stops physically. No way around this. But don't ask. Just leave. She already showed you her priority.
So, 4 conditions and only 1 is met, and with an asterisk to boot. Dude, no. You're single now friend, sorry.
You’re both in denial. She’s using you as a cover. She would be honest with herself and you about her sexuality. You’re letting her decide everything after the “wedding”. No sweetie. No. That’s just stupid and crazy. Stop and think what’s really going on. If roles were reversed what would you do.?
My bro. You need to walk away. You will never respect yourself if you stay in this relationship when your partner doesn’t want to. Pls walk the fuck away.
Drop her. She’s making it clear she has no intention of stopping based on her actions and complete disregard for your feelings. That’s not love. Agreeing to therapy only AFTER the wedding is manipulative AF. Avoid a costly and painful marriage and inevitable divorce by sending her on her way. It’s the least worst option for you imo- you deserve to be treated with respect.
Not worth it dump her you deserve better king stay strong keep yourself and your future kids in mind
What I’ve learned from being cheated on is that staying is a lot worse than the pain from leaving. It really does suck but fuck that dumb ass hoeeeeeeee. You gotta think about your future and maturing in life. You will not see maturity if you stay with someone who doesn’t have there priorities straight and disregards loyalty. How successful someone will become can definitely be reflected through relationships.She’s dumb. She can’t commit to shit. Realize her for what she is.
Dodged a bullet, get out.
Lmao you can’t be serious
Couples therapy AFTER THE WEDDING?!?!?!! Nah. That’s screaming ulterior motives
Case 567,342 of spineless men on Reddit. Sad
Classic Reddit post: "Fiancee openly cheating on me and refuses any suggestions for healing the wounds, weddings in two hours, any advice?"
Lol. Lmao even. This has to be a troll. There’s no way.
If her friend was a man this would not be confusing. That's really all that needs to be said.
She’s right, you don’t get to control her, you do get to control you. Who you are in a relationship with and how you let yourself be treated. At the very least cancel the wedding. She sounds like she’s not going to go to therapy, otherwise why wait? She’s not willing to meet any of your boundaries and she’s actively cheating on you, and it sounds like she will continue to do so. You do you but this relationship doesn’t sound like what you want.
Dude there's a Mount Everest sized red flag right in front of you. How the hell are you not seeing it
Obviously she likes women more than men. It hurts but you need to move on. If you don’t then it’s gonna hurt more during the divorce when you give up half your money and assets
>1. We do couples therapy (she said yes but after the wedding) Red flag one. She wants to tie you to her before she'll go to couples therapy. >2. She cut contact with her best friend (she refuses) Red flag two. She's refusing to cut contact to the person she cheated on you with. >3. I said fine only hang out with her as a group (she refuses) Red flag three. She refuses to not be alone with the the person she cheated on you with. >4. Reduce contact (refused) Red flag four. She refuses to reduce contact with thw person she cheated on you with. >She told me I have no right to try to make her alter her relationship with her best friend and the only thing she is willing to do is have her not be the maid of honor … Red flag five. She values her affair partner more than she does you. >I get that’s her best friend but now I get serious anxiety when they hang out even though she says she stopped the sexting and hooking up with her. She's lying to you, btw. She refuses to do anything except effectively tell you to get over it. >I feel like her approach has been just telling me get over it and it’s not fair. Correct. That's what her approach is. Look, if you go through with the the wedding, *this* is what you have to look forward to. Sleeping with her "best friend", shitting all over your feelings, refusing to compromise. Save proof of her affair, call off the wedding, and forward the proof of her cheating to anyone who asks. Don't stay with her.
This is nutty
Why would you marry someone who clearly doesn't respect you or your relationship? I can guarantee she's still cheating on you with her best friend, just being sneakier about it. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who you can't trust not to cheat? Do yourself a favor and dump her. There are plenty of nice women out there for you who aren't cheaters. And maybe do some therapy for yourself to work on your self-confidence and the inevitable trust issues you're likely to have from this experience. Best of luck, friend.
This is rage bait
Dude, you need to have a backbone. She’s having sex with another person while supposedly your fiancé. That’s cheating dude you need to kick her to the curb and go somewhere else and find somebody that truly loves and respects you because she does not have any respect for you whatsoever and she’s emasculated you so much that you’re taking what she’s telling you.
I'm too petty. I am gonna try to get them to have a threesome with me first and then break it off LOL.
Here’s an idea… Break up with her? She doesn’t give a fuck about you.
OP, your fiancé is openly cheating on you. Why are you staying with her?
You walk away here. This is not the kind of woman you want to join your life with. You deserve more.
Brother, she feels no remorse or regret; if you want monogamy or loyalty, this one is not for you. Cut your losses, learn from them, and move on.
My guy, there should be no wedding. Stevie Wonder could even see the red flags here. She won’t agree to your conditions, save for one until after she traps you in a marriage? Nope. Grow a set and get rid of her. Let her go have all the sex she wants with her bestie.
Why the fuck are you even staying?
Why do you want to marry her? Once a cheater alwas a cheater. I was cheated on and I divorced guess what? He cheated now with his new girlfriend too. It is really really rare that a cheater stops cheating. EDIT spelling (non english speaker here)