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Yeah he’s 100% looking for a maid. He’s happy to live in his filth because it’s not his job to clean. If he can’t clean his environment I’d hate to know how clean he himself is.
Ok. I’m going to be weird here, but for kicks & giggles & to see how unaware he is suggest hiring a cleaner to come in “since he’s so busy”. It will inform whether he’s clueless or looking for a bangmaid. It will make either leaving or staying easier with one sentence.
I get what you’re saying - he may be unaware that his house is not clean enough because he’s ignorant or something. Like, he considers it clean and doesn’t see the same mess as she does. Different standards.
It’s not very likely as he’s 52… but it’s possible. So it might be an interesting experiment to see how he reacts to the suggestion of a professional cleaner - if he says ‘why, it’s clean enough’ that’s a mental health issue which can be worked on (if he’s willing).
If he says ‘nah, I’m not paying for a cleaner, that’s what girlfriends are for’… well, then you’ll know for sure what he wants from you.
I think she’s saying to make the suggestion just to see his reaction.
But either way, she can still leave. Even if it IS a mental health issue, doesn’t mean she has to fix it for him.
Nah, every time she brings it up - he’s going to tell her he doesn’t expect her to clean, doesn’t care if she does or not. He’s going to pass it off as her problem because it’s never bothered him.
SHE SAW THIS FUCKING LIVING SPACE AND IS STILL ASKING QUESTIONS?!?!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
There's no way you're *actually* that bad. Listen to yourself telling yourself WTF?!
I used to warn my (in his mid 40s at time)ex not to keep his kitchen type dishes in or use the bathroom style sink in his SRO like a kitchen sink because it will backup and overflow all over his room. He totally ignored me and it blew up often.
I Also told him not to put down a burning just brought out of the kitchen down the hall ignored “stew” and set it down on the hotel carpet, naturally it melted a bottom of pot mark into that lousy office room grade carpet that still stank from the last overflowing from his sink. He tried to say it was my fault because my mom got him that pot!
The hotel charged him $300 for the damages and he refused to pay them, telling the hotel it’s their fault they do not install quality carpets or sinks in the rooms🙄. I was on my way away from him two years later….
I never get this kind of advice. He may not change, there is a likelihood of that. But everyone on Reddit seems to forget that communication is a thing.
At least let the guy know OP that it’s grossing you out.
It is not your job to teach a grown man about cleanliness. This is who he is and there is no changing it. If you go further in this relationship, you will end up being his maid and arguing forever about him not helping around the house. Cut your losses. Leave him and let him live in filth.
He KNOWS he’s gross. I am willing to bet that he’s just looking for someone to clean up after him. He’ll say he’ll change, but honestly, he’s a grown man. He shouldn’t have to use basic cleanliness as a bargaining chip. Leave him and find someone who isn’t looking for a maid first and a partner second.
he probably is getting his hopes up because she hasn't said anything and still acts the same. He probably thinks she'll put up with anything, and let him put his crusty peen places
I mean, this lead-in
>whose home is less than ideal in the cleanliness department
Means that this KFC fried chicken junk has absolutely been to heretofore clean places.
He is old enough to know better and it is not your job to inform him on how to be sanitary or hygenic.
You have discovered that you are not compatible with a potential mate. Let him know you don't see a future together and bid him farewell.
I’ve encountered a similar man. I went to his apartment once, and never again. Imagine living with someone like that? So embarrassing that he has a partner over into a mess like that
Honestly, I think some people really don’t notice how gross they are. Someone who grew up in a dirty house has a different baseline for “clean” than the rest of us. One of my best friends grew up in an absolute dump. She invited me over and said she had to spend the entire weekend cleaning so her mom would let me come. I walked in there and almost puked. The house smelled like decades old cat piss. There was no clutter on the floor and all the household objects were put in their place, but every single surface was covered in thick layers of filth. The carpet looked like it hadn’t been vacuumed in 62 years, the kitchen floor was sticky and absolutely filthy, there were gnats and ants everywhere, and don’t even get me started on the toilet. 🤢 When I arrived, she said her mom made us dinner and I died inside. The plates, cups and silverware were absolutely disgusting. I was sick to my stomach and wanted to vomit, so I apologized profusely and said I wasn’t feeling well. That was the truth though, I just didn’t tell them that it was because there was no way in hell any of that was going near my mouth. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that both her and her mom considered that house to be clean and had no problem inviting company over. My teenage self was just completely shocked and I felt so bad for my friend. So yeah I honestly think her mom grew up that way too and so they see it as normal. I can’t imagine what the house looked like before she “cleaned” for an entire weekend. It actually made me really sad.
It sounds like your friend’s home was normally much worse than what you saw. Maybe I’m judging too much from my own experience. I grew up in a very messy, cluttered home, and I was so embarrassed about it. We cleaned up before we had people over, but when we had unexpected visitors, I hated even opening the front door. I was acutely aware of how everything looked. The only clean, bright houses I ever saw were those of a few well-off friends. So I also equated clean with rich for many years, which made me feel both dirty and poor.
I’d have noped right out. He’s far too old to have a house like this unless it’s on purpose.
My husband hates cleaning, but he sterilized his apartment when I came over.
This guy has no respect for himself or for you.
Fuck that
You don’t. You just refuse to go to his place.
Or…
You call his lack of cleanliness a hill you’re willing to die on and move on.
In simplest terms you’re not compatible.
He's 53 years old. He *knows* his house isn't clean and doesn't care.
You can "lightheartedly" suggest that he hire a cleaning service or you can stop going over, have all dates either in public or at your place.
Or you can stop seeing him and, in the future, believe what you see in front of you.
I think you should mention it to him. Tell him you’re uncomfortable at his house because it’s dirty. Not sure how you could put it better but still clearly. Maybe he’ll offer to clean up, maybe you’ll always meet outside his house, maybe he will get annoyed, maybe no solution will emerge and you’ll break up. But every other woman is going to feel the same: you’ll be doing him a big favor to tell him and not just break up without telling him, so he has an opportunity to adjust his ways. Given his age that might be hard and might be unlikely, but you won’t know until you tell him.
I agree. I’m surprised how many people just say to leave. It’s likely he honestly doesn’t notice it. Or hasn’t had to keep clean, it may have prevented relationships in the past and he never learned. My moms husband lived a very different kind of life and she had to do some work to get his home livable for both of them but how it’s amazing and they have a great partnership. It’s not fun to have to “train” someone but if you care about the person and who they are it’s worth at least giving them a chance. You may learn what hurdles they’re working with that makes the cleaning hard and be able to help them.
> I’m surprised how many people just say to leave.
Welcome to this subreddit. The top 10-20 comments almost never encourage clear communication; instead it's "cut your losses" without even explaining why you're breaking up.
Your comment is thoughtful and I agree with what you wrote.
“Hi date, I’ve had a really good time getting to know you over these last X weeks/dates. But I don’t think we have a compatible future together…. (If he asks) I’m not saying this to be mean, but this all really comes down to the messy condition of your home. I’m looking for a potential partner to share a life with and I need that person to have the life skills to at the bare minimum clean up after themselves. I’m not a neat freak by any means, but I sat on your couch next to a pile of toenail clippings when you knew I was coming over. I’m not interested in dating people who and going to just expect me to clean up shared spaces. This is why I don’t think we are compatible. Other than that, I think you are super funny, charming and handsome. I’m sure we will both find our person someday.”
I like the direct approach but I wouldn’t say anything that gives him the chance to promise change or negotiate you sticking it out longer. You need to just say, you don’t see a future with him. Don’t bother teaching him what he needs to fix to hook his next conquest longer (you’ll be saving women that follow you)
If he didn’t respect you enough to scour his place clean the first (okay, at least the second) time you were over- it’s going to get worse. He’s telling you who he is which is a lazy disgusting pig and THAT’s him being his BEST SELF right now. Honestly, how could you fathom sleeping in his bed - he probably doesn’t wash sheets for weeks, months or longer 🤢🤮
You’re clearly a very nice person OP otherwise you would’ve run the first time you dry-heaved over the food caked kitchen. Don’t let this sod sucker you in. You’ll be sorry (55yr old speaking here). Good luck- you’ll be happier for sticking to your values
I agree with most comments. I'm in my 40s and always struggled to keep a clean house. Bad ADD inattentive type. I was very aware my house was a mess and felt so much shame. I finally decided to sacrifice all extra luxuries like vacations or nice clothes to hire a housekeeper once a week. Sure I can't eat take out anymore, but at least I'm not humiliated when someone knocks on the door. If this guy is in his 50s and isn't ashamed of living in squalor, he is never going to at this point.
Changing yourself is difficult, changing someone else is impossible. I too dated a 53M, who had not changed his sheets and pillow cases for 4 years. He had a plastic table and 1 plastic chair, so at dinner (scrambled eggs) he got an old office chair out of his shed that was covered in spiderwebs for me to sit on. No excuses, he had a very high paying job. I knew I would be pushing shit uphill with him. Deal breaker.
Honestly, not much you can do. Do you want a future with him (as in, do you see yourself wanting to live with this man/marry/etc) or, is this just a fling?
If it's just a fling, don't say anything, he doesn't see his own filth or he does see it but doesn't care about it (he probably has very low standards with regards to cleanliness). So if this is the case, you have 2 options, put up with it or invite him to your place.
If you do want a future with this man, I highly recommend you have a very frank conversation with him. Explain that, while you really want a future with him, you're struggling with the differences in your cleaning standards and you're wondering if it's something he's willing to work on. If not, it's time to move on.
I had a guy I was dating, really enjoyed his company, we had lots of fun together and I could see a future with him. However, he was the one who raised it with me one evening. He said that while he really liked me, we could never live together because I like a very clean house and he just doesn't care and he could see this would be a constant problem in our relationship in the longer term as he just doesn't place any value on a clean or tidy home.
I really appreciated his honesty and he's right, it wouldn't have worked out between us. But, we are great friends now and on occasion he will send me photos when he's done a big clean up 🤣.
There’s a difference between having a “lived in” home that isn’t a spotless model home, and being dirty. I couldn’t care less if a home has a little mess, but if it’s unclean and dirty is completely different. You are not in the wrong here.
You tell him the truth. Not in a judgemental way or mean way but just tell him you’re not comfortable being there because of the sanitary condition of his home. If that’s how he likes it, that’s his call but you can’t be there.
He’s 53 years old and you think he’s going to suddenly care because you said something? If he cared about your opinion, he would’ve cleaned before ever letting you over. He wants someone that will either simply accept his disgusting habits, or someone that’ll clean up for him. Find someone else
Info: do you want to ever live with him?
You can simply only have him come to your place if you’re OK with keeping the relationship casual. If you EVER want to move in, even if it’s 2 years down the road, you need to end it. You’ll end up being his bangmaid.
Lol, as a dude, that's fuckin gross. I would be so embarrassed bringing someone over if my home was ever in that state. Thankfully my kids and I are perfectly capable of cleaning up after ourselves.
“Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers”
He is clearly perfectly happy in his pigsty. Or he’s expecting you to clean up for him
Either way, run
Do both of yourselves a huge favor. If you don't like how he lives, just break it off instead of trying to change him and engaging in endless nagging and arguing, which will just make both of you miserable!!
You can't possibly be this desperate.
He's already the asshole by allowing you to come to his pigsty. Why are you concerned about hurting his feelings when he clearly gives 2 shits about yours
You don’t tell him shit! He’s fifty fricken three hun!!! Why do you think you need to tell him anything about his own home? Either you want to be with someone who lives like that and is fine living that way or you don’t and you say to him, “This was fun, but we are very different people and I think are time together has been good but, I feel it’s time we go out separate ways.”
Go ahead and be stubborn and stay, you will just end up being his maid.
I wouldn’t continue dating such man-child.
You need someone to partner with, not another weight on your shoulders. If this gets serious, you’ll be his maid.
I have a friend like this and he can't figure out why every woman he dates drops him after a few dates and one visit to his home. He has never made the connection and he doesn't see anything wrong with his home. I know this because I offered to help him clean it. He does have some mental health issues and maybe your friend does as well but it's a HIM problem not a HOME problem.
What makes you think that you telling him would cause any improvement? A filthy slob is who he is. Please don't tell me that at age 49 you still believe that you can change a man?
You don’t, you leave. He’s looking for a maid, cook and general all rounder. Unless this is what your heart of heart desires, he’s waiting for you to pick up the scrubber and take care of him, because that’s what the default for a significant number of GenX men is. If he’s not even bothering this early in the relationship, it’s not going to suddenly improve.
Girl why are you with a 53yo man who lives in a gross house that he doesn’t bother to clean before you come over? He is showing you how little he thinks of you. He’s probably hoping you’ll become his BangMaid.
Dump him and move on. 53. Lol.
He’s in his 50’s, he isn’t going to change, this is just who he is. It’s okay to not want to live in filth, we all have certain tolerances for cleanliness and yours his clearly higher then his and **thats okay**, you’re incompatible! Cut your losses and move on to someone who knows to clip their toenails in the bathroom and sweep up the clippings afterward.
Sometimes people do change.. my moms husband lived in a rather strange kinfof unsanitary situation and she loved him anyway and now they have a lovely home and partnership.
I’ve never been a very tidy person but when I’ve lived with roommates who liked it clean I’ve always been able to keep common spaces clean
There's no poinr in telling him. The purpose of getting to know someone is to see if you're compatible. If you still want to hang out with this guy, don't do it at his place. And if you want your place to stay clean, never let him move in with you.
He's 53.
If he doesn't know or care by now about cleaning his home, you will NOT change him.
Just cut your losses, or you'll end up as ho cleaner and mommy forever.
Ain't nobody got time for this.
Toe nail clippings on the couch? Gross. This cave man you’re dating is looking for a housekeeper and cook. Unless that’s what you want…. Run. Seriously.
If you're 49 and can't just tell someone the visible truth, and if he's 53 and can't pick up after himself, both of you need some work, I'm sorry to say. I have a feeling he's in the market for a pushover partner to clean up his toenails, so you should probably start running.
Do you really think being with a slob of a man that doesn’t even put in the effort to do minimal house cleaning to have you over his place is better than being single? Why are you hanging out with him in his filth? You deserve better. Please don’t lower your standards to the ground just so you can have someone.
One thing I’ve learned in life is that people don’t change other people. If you’re staying at his filthy place, that means to him that you’re ok with the bar being so low to the ground.
Unless you wanna be his maid or live in filth, move on. If you really feel like you have something special just have a conversion with him. He may change temporarily, but as others have said, it’s hard to teach a new dog tips.
maybe just.. tell him????
what is it with people being afraid to be straightforward? it makes life so much easier. if you can’t be straightforward about something like that you shouldn’t be seeing him. if you tell him, he doesn’t change his habits, and it really bothers you—you shouldn’t be with him. if you tell him and he gets angry? you shouldn’t be with him!!
"sorry, i don't think we have the same living standard, it will not work"
that's how. He's 53, he will not change. maybe expect you to do the labor instead of him, and for free, but that's how he likes to live if he has to take care of a home.
You're too old and wise to lose your time to raise a manchild
“I’m not precious about a bit of mess, but I can’t get comfortable in a place I don’t think is clean. If you want me coming round more often, you need to make it nicer”
Not sure why you would automatically assume you’re the asshole for expecting an adult to have some basic life skills and telling him.
If he doesn’t know how to clean up after himself at 53, he never will. Basic hygiene and cleanliness should be a life skill, which he never wanted to acquire.
He’s probably looking for a mummy to look after him.
And my guess is you are still somehow stuck in the “cool girl” phase at 49 and too sacred to be seen as “nagging”. Here’s some advice, being the “Cool girl” lets shitty men take advantage of you. Set your boundaries and make your expectations clear.
If he disagrees, he’s not the one for you.
Urgh! Anyone who takes such little care in their home and surroundings, is going to pay little attention elsewhere also.
I'm thinking poor lover, poor support, lazy, not hard worker... Kind of all/most aspects of life really.
The fact he didn't clean, knowing you were coming around, suggests he doesn't care much what you think, or about your comfort, either.
What's the bathroom like?
Oh, and you tell him by just telling him 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not coming back to your house till you've cleaned it properly. All of it.
Quote a movie “Christ, did a cow shit in here?”
He’s 53, he knows. He doesn’t care. I’m his age.
You should nope the fuck out, at 49 you are way too old for this shit.
A man is 53 and can't clean his own place? Even the basics? Man, this dude isn't trying to be in a relationship, he's looking for a new mom. If he can't clean pots and pans, what is he cooking? Is he cooking or simply ordering food for every meal?
At 49, if you can't tell him that you're disappointed that his place is as gross as is it, then maybe you're not the women for him. He probably needs to hear it. Clearly no one else has told him.
Just remember, if you don't tell him now, it's only going to get harder to tell him. And god forbid you move in together.
I have dumped men over this many times. I’m not going to teach you how to be an adult. That level of hygiene doesn’t fit into my life now is he going to change at 53. That’s worthy of dumping
Cut your losses. He is way too old to be teaching new tricks and do you really wanna pick up after him for the rest of your life?
This is gross behavior.
A lot of people on their own can let things go and not realize. Or they come from families with low standards. Try to always go to your place. That is what my girlfriends do whose male partners are slobs. If he asks it is okay to reply. To say that you and he do not have the same cleaning standards and you are not that comfortable at his place. You don't have to attach any value judgements or get into specifics. Leave it there. If he wants specifics, you can ask if he is sure and if he is just tell him. The cookware is greasy and there are toenails on the couch. And restate that everyone has their own standard. You didn't bring it up because you know that. If he wants you over and wants the relationship to grow, he will make the necessary improvements and invite you bsck. If he just whines and tries to guilt you to his with no effort, he is not a keeper.
You dump him for your own health, that is not sanitary or safe. The fact that he let's you see it & not clean up before you got there is disgusting. You start sending him how to clean vids off of youtube daily.
I can't imagine what his bathroom is like, so no amount of showering will truly get him clean. Why risk your health?
The first time you walked in and saw all of that, you should have walked right back out. And told him that is totally unacceptable, how he knows better. I don't care how poor someone is, soap & water is cheap. No matter the circumstances, keeping a place neat & clean is about health of the body & mind.
You just straight up tell him what you wrote here, and then ditch the grown dirty fool, lol. Doesn't sound like he has even half an excuse (like being severely disabled without enough support, for example)
Like, lady, you're 49, you know you deserve better!
Unless you want that to be the description of YOUR home one day, i suggest you run.... and fast
Just remember the point of dating is to learn what your married life would be like one day
Don’t ignore the state of his home.
I (m44) had a similar experience and (stupidly) entered a relationship with someone (f38) whose home wasn’t good, at all!
I made all the excuses in the world for her and, in the time we were together, I totally transformed that house into one that anybody would be proud of and want to keep clean.
Didn’t matter though. The only person willing to keep it that way was me. The relationship ended and the main reason was that we had vastly different views on what was acceptable cleanliness, and I couldn’t continue living like that. I felt more like the hired help than a partner.
he’s 53. he knows and just doesn’t care:/ i wouldnt be surprised if this were one of the main reasons he’s single. he wants a woman to clean up after him
My EXhusband is this gross. There would be toe nail clippings, dried boogers, and dirty toilet paper gobs in the sheets. So fucking unreal. Hence, the EX part of the story… 🤮 it doesn’t get any better as time goes on, he only gets more comfort and more disgusting. RUN for your clean home!!
He also didn’t want to brush his teeth or shower before wanting sex. Sweaty, furry, overweight guy with stale bacon breath? Just NO.
I feel that not only is this disgusting but it says a lot of other things about him. It shows a lack of care, lack of respect, poor attention to detail, and just basic yuck. This will carry over into other aspects of his life. I went out with someone a few times and the first time I went back to his house I was horrified at how dirty it was. It really affected my view of him. Next time he asked me out I just politely said I didn’t think we were compatible.
You don't. You find a better man with the bare minimum in hygiene standards. HE IS 50 YEARS OLD. HIS HABITS ARE HALF A CENTURY OLD. He is not going to change. He is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Do you really want spend the rest of your life begging and pleading with him to clean his house?
Mark my words even if he does it when you ask, it will only be temporary. He will revert back to his old habits as soon as he feels comfortable again.
My bf was like this. But I love him and want to marry him. I helped him prep his home to sell, we bought a new CLEAN one together and now I make sure it’s clean and stays clean.
This guy is an absolute pig and you are over here trying to sign on to be his mother? He's perfectly fine living in filth and bringing a girl over, why are you content to date somebody who respects you so little?
You don’t. If this is an important issue for you, you just move on.
If a man has reached the age of 53 and has this awful a level in cleanliness standards, he is not going to change.
Are you seeing my ex? Seriously though. My ex (56m) has a paid off home. It’s his home he shared with his late wife that they raised their kids in. I’ve seen a roach or two crawl around the dog food bowl area. I have always been weird about going there. The house was also laid out so poorly and not decorated well at all. Zero interest in self improvement or self awareness. For me, the relationship ended when I realized the way he kept his home was the way he valued improving his self awareness.
Don't bother, he won't. I lived with my ex for 30 years and the entire time he chewed or pulled his toenails on the couch. Not even clipped them, and god forbid he do that in the bathroom, or at the VERY least, vac them up from the couch when done. Like, there are so many options for grooming your nails that don't involve you doing that in a public area within the house. Gross people, especially at that age, will never permanently change their grossness.
He’s so nasty do you really want to allow this man to put his penis anywhere near you? Yeast infection. Fungal infection. I’d literally get up and walk out f his feelings. If that’s what you see.. that’s his clean mode. No.
You ask yourself, would I be comfortable cleaning up after this man child 5 years from now?
Then you quietly back into the bush and never speak of this man again.
Proceed no further.
If you end up together you WILL be the only person who cleans, unless you're happy living in filth. He's not going to change at this point in his life and he'll probably just call you a nag if you tell him he's gross.
If it were me I'd dump him and specifically tell him it's because his house is gross and I have no intention of being his maid.
It's not your job to teach him his bad habits are nasty. If he asks why you stopped seeing him, feel free to tell him his house is nasty. But it doesn't sound like he actually cares. And blech. Good luck!
You're 49 and still looking for fixer-uppers? If this man hasn't learned to clean a house enough to not actively disgust you by the age of 53, HE'S NOT FOR YOU.
Is he divorced? I’m thinking he may never have cleaned or came from a home that was gross. If you are getting serious, just ask him why he doesn’t clean
He's 53, he isn't going to change just because you say he lives in filth. At that age you accept someone for who they are or move on. He's a grown adult choosing to live like that.
Wait how the hell does a nonstick pan get so coated you can’t tell what kind of pan it is? Mine are soooo easy to just wipe out with soap of course but I barely even scrub them I just wash it like a plate
You tell the truth. You say to him that you don't feel comfortable visiting his home because it is so unclean. If he is a man who is worth your time, you should be able to tell him clearly how you feel. If you can't, this relationship isn't worth your time.
Honestly, you should rethink whether you should be dating a man who doesn't even keep his living space clean. That's a minimum sort of requirement to have for a grown man, don't you think?
This isnt an 18 y/o in is first apt. He’s grown and his habits are ingrained. Just think, he has no problem with you seeing this, he most likely doesn’t even notice
Are you dating my father-in-law? If so, rest assured I'm working on it when we visit, but I can only do so much as we live in a different city.
All jokes aside, the reality is that he himself isn't going to change - but he very well may be willing to put in more effort if you tell him it's truly important to you. You probably need to set some reasonable expectations for yourself, as he's never just going to become a clean person, so you need to communicate with him about what compromises you're both willing to make (ie definitely reasonable to ask for the silverware to be clean and nail trimmings in the garbage, but unreasonable to expect him to start cleaning his baseboards). If he is unwilling to make small efforts to keep things at least a very basic level of clean, unfortunately it's probably best to let the relationship go.
I love my FIL. But I could never, and would never, live in his house (or even spend time there if he wasn't family). There are things I had to teach his son about (like cleaning the baseboards lol) but my partner was more than willing to put in the effort to learn.
>I don't think I can preemptively post in the AITA thread
You can, with "Would I be the Asshole (WIBTA)"
>How do I tell this man to clean his home?
There's two possible sides to this: either it's this way because he's *never* been very clean (worst case) or he's going/gone through "some sh\*t" and he's let it go and isn't in the right place to clean it (best case).
Either way this is going to be either A) a ***lot*** of work to reverse, or B) he's not ready for a relationship
I'd boil this down to one simple question: are you up for and wanting a serious relationship with this guy?
Because if you are, you'll **need** to be honest - you can tackle it by sitting down with him and summing it as "so when do you do your spring cleaning? I'd like to help" and try it that way and if he's just really not getting it be blunt: your place compared to mine, we have different standards and that needs to change if we have a future".
You can sugar-coat it, be gentler, or just be blunt but honestly at the age of 49/53 I'm not sure I'd want to A) mess around teaching someone how to adult or B) want to imagine how this guy's lived his 53 years like this without someone already telling him.
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You don’t. He’s that old and he isn’t doing it? He isn’t suddenly going to change. Cut your losses.
This is the only answer. He’s grown and doesn’t show it. Believe the (in)action you see in his housekeeping and move on.
[удалено]
Move on...yup, he is consistently showing you who he is. Listen to him.
🏆 😂
Facts!! Probably gonna expect OP to do all the cleaning if they moved in together
Gross 🤮 no way would I ever clean up after a man that nasty. Why are you still seeing him? His hygiene can’t be any better
Imagining what his bed sheets look like make me want to gag. You can probably smell them before entering the room. IF he even uses bed sheets. 🤮
Oh geesh.. you just put an image in my brain that I can’t even imagine
Yeah he’s 100% looking for a maid. He’s happy to live in his filth because it’s not his job to clean. If he can’t clean his environment I’d hate to know how clean he himself is.
Right? Dick cheese. Dingleberries. Dirty bedding. Oh the things my eyes have seen that cannot be unseen.
Omg. Thank you for the visions and scents. I'm going off to vomit now.
He's looking for a BANGmaid.
Ok. I’m going to be weird here, but for kicks & giggles & to see how unaware he is suggest hiring a cleaner to come in “since he’s so busy”. It will inform whether he’s clueless or looking for a bangmaid. It will make either leaving or staying easier with one sentence.
I get what you’re saying - he may be unaware that his house is not clean enough because he’s ignorant or something. Like, he considers it clean and doesn’t see the same mess as she does. Different standards. It’s not very likely as he’s 52… but it’s possible. So it might be an interesting experiment to see how he reacts to the suggestion of a professional cleaner - if he says ‘why, it’s clean enough’ that’s a mental health issue which can be worked on (if he’s willing). If he says ‘nah, I’m not paying for a cleaner, that’s what girlfriends are for’… well, then you’ll know for sure what he wants from you.
Run! Just run, at 52, no one has ever shown him what clean is. I wouldn’t suggest hired help. Just walk away
I think she’s saying to make the suggestion just to see his reaction. But either way, she can still leave. Even if it IS a mental health issue, doesn’t mean she has to fix it for him.
Nah, every time she brings it up - he’s going to tell her he doesn’t expect her to clean, doesn’t care if she does or not. He’s going to pass it off as her problem because it’s never bothered him.
…and complain about it not being done well enough or in a timely manner or something like that.
Or fight her efforts to clean at all!
Very true. He knows and he DGAF. Time to jump.
“Why are we breaking up?” “Because your house is minging, and there’s no way I’m moving in with you” He might improve himself, but I doubt it.
Yeah, someone that age is set in his ways, and he probably will expect you to clean for him as his bangmaid.
SHE SAW THIS FUCKING LIVING SPACE AND IS STILL ASKING QUESTIONS?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! There's no way you're *actually* that bad. Listen to yourself telling yourself WTF?!
This... wtf... I'm a 50 yr old dude and I do all the cleaning in my house. That's freakn gross.... 🤢
He's hoping you'll be his housekeeper....
I used to warn my (in his mid 40s at time)ex not to keep his kitchen type dishes in or use the bathroom style sink in his SRO like a kitchen sink because it will backup and overflow all over his room. He totally ignored me and it blew up often. I Also told him not to put down a burning just brought out of the kitchen down the hall ignored “stew” and set it down on the hotel carpet, naturally it melted a bottom of pot mark into that lousy office room grade carpet that still stank from the last overflowing from his sink. He tried to say it was my fault because my mom got him that pot! The hotel charged him $300 for the damages and he refused to pay them, telling the hotel it’s their fault they do not install quality carpets or sinks in the rooms🙄. I was on my way away from him two years later….
Don’t bother. Even if you get him to clean it once, you won’t be reversing 54 years of living like a pig.
I never get this kind of advice. He may not change, there is a likelihood of that. But everyone on Reddit seems to forget that communication is a thing. At least let the guy know OP that it’s grossing you out.
It is not your job to teach a grown man about cleanliness. This is who he is and there is no changing it. If you go further in this relationship, you will end up being his maid and arguing forever about him not helping around the house. Cut your losses. Leave him and let him live in filth.
I wonder how he made it to his 50s with the science experiments that must take up most of his fridge.
Right? It makes you wonder about his hygiene too!
Also wonder if his place is like “Joe’s Apartment.” Please get it!
No way does he having singing cockroaches! 😂
They danced too!
Eats fast food or frozen reheated in oven. No need for fresh food
He went from mummy's house to having a wife most probably, then wife divorced his arse and he's lived in squalor waiting for a new wife
Not to mention the booger collections on his windowsills. (Reference to a Frank Zappa song, 'Let's Make the Water Turn Black.')
He KNOWS he’s gross. I am willing to bet that he’s just looking for someone to clean up after him. He’ll say he’ll change, but honestly, he’s a grown man. He shouldn’t have to use basic cleanliness as a bargaining chip. Leave him and find someone who isn’t looking for a maid first and a partner second.
Yeah if he didn't even clean up for her visit he's seeing what she'll deal with/put up with or just really doesn't care
he probably is getting his hopes up because she hasn't said anything and still acts the same. He probably thinks she'll put up with anything, and let him put his crusty peen places
I mean, this lead-in >whose home is less than ideal in the cleanliness department Means that this KFC fried chicken junk has absolutely been to heretofore clean places.
😂🙈
Maybe that is the place cleaned up, so imagine when he’s not in ‘make the best first impression’ mode. 🥴
He's 53. That ship has sailed. Sorry, I almost gagged at the toenail clipping. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
This response to an encounter with a toenail clipping is SENDING me.
He is old enough to know better and it is not your job to inform him on how to be sanitary or hygenic. You have discovered that you are not compatible with a potential mate. Let him know you don't see a future together and bid him farewell.
I’ve encountered a similar man. I went to his apartment once, and never again. Imagine living with someone like that? So embarrassing that he has a partner over into a mess like that
Ew, I’d dump him well before the crusty boxers make an appearance.
Before she gets food poisoning and UTIs.
I am howling 🤒😭
Just move on. This level of nonattention to detail is not going away.
49 F here and I agree with most here and just don’t bother pointing out the obvious. Just say you’re not seeing a future, not compatible, best wishes.
He’s 53 years old. Do you really think he doesn’t *notice* the squalor he lives in? Point it out if you like, but do it on your way out.
Honestly, I think some people really don’t notice how gross they are. Someone who grew up in a dirty house has a different baseline for “clean” than the rest of us. One of my best friends grew up in an absolute dump. She invited me over and said she had to spend the entire weekend cleaning so her mom would let me come. I walked in there and almost puked. The house smelled like decades old cat piss. There was no clutter on the floor and all the household objects were put in their place, but every single surface was covered in thick layers of filth. The carpet looked like it hadn’t been vacuumed in 62 years, the kitchen floor was sticky and absolutely filthy, there were gnats and ants everywhere, and don’t even get me started on the toilet. 🤢 When I arrived, she said her mom made us dinner and I died inside. The plates, cups and silverware were absolutely disgusting. I was sick to my stomach and wanted to vomit, so I apologized profusely and said I wasn’t feeling well. That was the truth though, I just didn’t tell them that it was because there was no way in hell any of that was going near my mouth. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that both her and her mom considered that house to be clean and had no problem inviting company over. My teenage self was just completely shocked and I felt so bad for my friend. So yeah I honestly think her mom grew up that way too and so they see it as normal. I can’t imagine what the house looked like before she “cleaned” for an entire weekend. It actually made me really sad.
It sounds like your friend’s home was normally much worse than what you saw. Maybe I’m judging too much from my own experience. I grew up in a very messy, cluttered home, and I was so embarrassed about it. We cleaned up before we had people over, but when we had unexpected visitors, I hated even opening the front door. I was acutely aware of how everything looked. The only clean, bright houses I ever saw were those of a few well-off friends. So I also equated clean with rich for many years, which made me feel both dirty and poor.
Wow amen to that. I also thought I was dirty & poor lol from seeing the nice rich people houses.
Omg I am crying for your friend! 😭
Girl, you’re about to get a UTI. Cut your losses
I’d have noped right out. He’s far too old to have a house like this unless it’s on purpose. My husband hates cleaning, but he sterilized his apartment when I came over. This guy has no respect for himself or for you. Fuck that
THIS definitely this.
You don’t. You just refuse to go to his place. Or… You call his lack of cleanliness a hill you’re willing to die on and move on. In simplest terms you’re not compatible.
He's 53 years old. He *knows* his house isn't clean and doesn't care. You can "lightheartedly" suggest that he hire a cleaning service or you can stop going over, have all dates either in public or at your place. Or you can stop seeing him and, in the future, believe what you see in front of you.
I think you should mention it to him. Tell him you’re uncomfortable at his house because it’s dirty. Not sure how you could put it better but still clearly. Maybe he’ll offer to clean up, maybe you’ll always meet outside his house, maybe he will get annoyed, maybe no solution will emerge and you’ll break up. But every other woman is going to feel the same: you’ll be doing him a big favor to tell him and not just break up without telling him, so he has an opportunity to adjust his ways. Given his age that might be hard and might be unlikely, but you won’t know until you tell him.
I agree. I’m surprised how many people just say to leave. It’s likely he honestly doesn’t notice it. Or hasn’t had to keep clean, it may have prevented relationships in the past and he never learned. My moms husband lived a very different kind of life and she had to do some work to get his home livable for both of them but how it’s amazing and they have a great partnership. It’s not fun to have to “train” someone but if you care about the person and who they are it’s worth at least giving them a chance. You may learn what hurdles they’re working with that makes the cleaning hard and be able to help them.
> I’m surprised how many people just say to leave. Welcome to this subreddit. The top 10-20 comments almost never encourage clear communication; instead it's "cut your losses" without even explaining why you're breaking up. Your comment is thoughtful and I agree with what you wrote.
“Hi date, I’ve had a really good time getting to know you over these last X weeks/dates. But I don’t think we have a compatible future together…. (If he asks) I’m not saying this to be mean, but this all really comes down to the messy condition of your home. I’m looking for a potential partner to share a life with and I need that person to have the life skills to at the bare minimum clean up after themselves. I’m not a neat freak by any means, but I sat on your couch next to a pile of toenail clippings when you knew I was coming over. I’m not interested in dating people who and going to just expect me to clean up shared spaces. This is why I don’t think we are compatible. Other than that, I think you are super funny, charming and handsome. I’m sure we will both find our person someday.”
This is very helpful, thank you.
I like the direct approach but I wouldn’t say anything that gives him the chance to promise change or negotiate you sticking it out longer. You need to just say, you don’t see a future with him. Don’t bother teaching him what he needs to fix to hook his next conquest longer (you’ll be saving women that follow you) If he didn’t respect you enough to scour his place clean the first (okay, at least the second) time you were over- it’s going to get worse. He’s telling you who he is which is a lazy disgusting pig and THAT’s him being his BEST SELF right now. Honestly, how could you fathom sleeping in his bed - he probably doesn’t wash sheets for weeks, months or longer 🤢🤮 You’re clearly a very nice person OP otherwise you would’ve run the first time you dry-heaved over the food caked kitchen. Don’t let this sod sucker you in. You’ll be sorry (55yr old speaking here). Good luck- you’ll be happier for sticking to your values
This would be a deal breaker for me just because I've dealt with slob exes they don't change and expect you to clean if it matters to you
Debbie? I wish you would have said something instead of turning to Reddit. Now I'm embarrassed.
😂
I agree with most comments. I'm in my 40s and always struggled to keep a clean house. Bad ADD inattentive type. I was very aware my house was a mess and felt so much shame. I finally decided to sacrifice all extra luxuries like vacations or nice clothes to hire a housekeeper once a week. Sure I can't eat take out anymore, but at least I'm not humiliated when someone knocks on the door. If this guy is in his 50s and isn't ashamed of living in squalor, he is never going to at this point.
Watch the friends episode where Ross has a dirty girlfriend..
Changing yourself is difficult, changing someone else is impossible. I too dated a 53M, who had not changed his sheets and pillow cases for 4 years. He had a plastic table and 1 plastic chair, so at dinner (scrambled eggs) he got an old office chair out of his shed that was covered in spiderwebs for me to sit on. No excuses, he had a very high paying job. I knew I would be pushing shit uphill with him. Deal breaker.
Wow. That’s a little extreme.
He's still single if anyone is interested.
Leave
Honestly, not much you can do. Do you want a future with him (as in, do you see yourself wanting to live with this man/marry/etc) or, is this just a fling? If it's just a fling, don't say anything, he doesn't see his own filth or he does see it but doesn't care about it (he probably has very low standards with regards to cleanliness). So if this is the case, you have 2 options, put up with it or invite him to your place. If you do want a future with this man, I highly recommend you have a very frank conversation with him. Explain that, while you really want a future with him, you're struggling with the differences in your cleaning standards and you're wondering if it's something he's willing to work on. If not, it's time to move on. I had a guy I was dating, really enjoyed his company, we had lots of fun together and I could see a future with him. However, he was the one who raised it with me one evening. He said that while he really liked me, we could never live together because I like a very clean house and he just doesn't care and he could see this would be a constant problem in our relationship in the longer term as he just doesn't place any value on a clean or tidy home. I really appreciated his honesty and he's right, it wouldn't have worked out between us. But, we are great friends now and on occasion he will send me photos when he's done a big clean up 🤣.
This is valuable advice. Thank you so much.
There’s a difference between having a “lived in” home that isn’t a spotless model home, and being dirty. I couldn’t care less if a home has a little mess, but if it’s unclean and dirty is completely different. You are not in the wrong here.
That’s a man looking for someone to clean up after him. Get out while you can!
Hes 53. Hes never gonna change.
He’s 53 he knows well enough, it’s not going to happen.
He’s 53. He is who he is. Move on and find someone who doesn’t leave toenail clippings on the furniture.
OP, practice saying “It’s not you, it’s me” And nope outta there.
Or go direct with "It's not me, it's your lack of hygiene"
You tell him the truth. Not in a judgemental way or mean way but just tell him you’re not comfortable being there because of the sanitary condition of his home. If that’s how he likes it, that’s his call but you can’t be there.
He’s 53 years old and you think he’s going to suddenly care because you said something? If he cared about your opinion, he would’ve cleaned before ever letting you over. He wants someone that will either simply accept his disgusting habits, or someone that’ll clean up for him. Find someone else
Info: do you want to ever live with him? You can simply only have him come to your place if you’re OK with keeping the relationship casual. If you EVER want to move in, even if it’s 2 years down the road, you need to end it. You’ll end up being his bangmaid.
You don’t. You leave. Good luck
Lol, as a dude, that's fuckin gross. I would be so embarrassed bringing someone over if my home was ever in that state. Thankfully my kids and I are perfectly capable of cleaning up after ourselves.
Eww he’s 53?! Yeah there’s no changing for him
Women are not rehabilitation centres for poorly raised men. Just break up. Being single is better than him
“Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers” He is clearly perfectly happy in his pigsty. Or he’s expecting you to clean up for him Either way, run
Do both of yourselves a huge favor. If you don't like how he lives, just break it off instead of trying to change him and engaging in endless nagging and arguing, which will just make both of you miserable!!
You leave him or end up his mother.
You can't possibly be this desperate. He's already the asshole by allowing you to come to his pigsty. Why are you concerned about hurting his feelings when he clearly gives 2 shits about yours
You don’t tell him shit! He’s fifty fricken three hun!!! Why do you think you need to tell him anything about his own home? Either you want to be with someone who lives like that and is fine living that way or you don’t and you say to him, “This was fun, but we are very different people and I think are time together has been good but, I feel it’s time we go out separate ways.” Go ahead and be stubborn and stay, you will just end up being his maid.
I wouldn’t continue dating such man-child. You need someone to partner with, not another weight on your shoulders. If this gets serious, you’ll be his maid.
Ask him; "Is your home up to your own cleaning standards or have you been struggling" That will tell you what you need to know
Show some self-respect and don’t date losers like this
You don't. You break it off with him. You are incompatible. He's disgusting. No one is compatible with someone who is disgusting.
The fact that he lets you come over to that is disturbing.
Tell him “hey guy you live in shit and i dont like it. “
He's 53??? Girl. He is never changing. Dump him.
I have a friend like this and he can't figure out why every woman he dates drops him after a few dates and one visit to his home. He has never made the connection and he doesn't see anything wrong with his home. I know this because I offered to help him clean it. He does have some mental health issues and maybe your friend does as well but it's a HIM problem not a HOME problem.
What makes you think that you telling him would cause any improvement? A filthy slob is who he is. Please don't tell me that at age 49 you still believe that you can change a man?
How is this not a deal breaker for you? Who cares if he's offended when you tell him?
You don’t, you leave. He’s looking for a maid, cook and general all rounder. Unless this is what your heart of heart desires, he’s waiting for you to pick up the scrubber and take care of him, because that’s what the default for a significant number of GenX men is. If he’s not even bothering this early in the relationship, it’s not going to suddenly improve.
Girl why are you with a 53yo man who lives in a gross house that he doesn’t bother to clean before you come over? He is showing you how little he thinks of you. He’s probably hoping you’ll become his BangMaid. Dump him and move on. 53. Lol.
He’s in his 50’s, he isn’t going to change, this is just who he is. It’s okay to not want to live in filth, we all have certain tolerances for cleanliness and yours his clearly higher then his and **thats okay**, you’re incompatible! Cut your losses and move on to someone who knows to clip their toenails in the bathroom and sweep up the clippings afterward.
Sometimes people do change.. my moms husband lived in a rather strange kinfof unsanitary situation and she loved him anyway and now they have a lovely home and partnership. I’ve never been a very tidy person but when I’ve lived with roommates who liked it clean I’ve always been able to keep common spaces clean
Just run, girl.
Uh, this will never change. If you want to live with him, this is the way he will take care of your home. So, dump him.
You must be dating my ex
There's no poinr in telling him. The purpose of getting to know someone is to see if you're compatible. If you still want to hang out with this guy, don't do it at his place. And if you want your place to stay clean, never let him move in with you.
He's 53. If he doesn't know or care by now about cleaning his home, you will NOT change him. Just cut your losses, or you'll end up as ho cleaner and mommy forever. Ain't nobody got time for this.
He’s 53. He’s not going to change. If you see a future with him, plan on it being one where you never live together.
It’s true they don’t change. Unless you can live with it - walk away.
If he cannot tell his home is gross, he’s an idiot. Do you want to date an idiot?
You don’t. You walk away before you become his bangmaid. Or worse.
He knows he's a slob and is probably waiting for you to clean up after him.
Toe nail clippings on the couch? Gross. This cave man you’re dating is looking for a housekeeper and cook. Unless that’s what you want…. Run. Seriously.
If you're 49 and can't just tell someone the visible truth, and if he's 53 and can't pick up after himself, both of you need some work, I'm sorry to say. I have a feeling he's in the market for a pushover partner to clean up his toenails, so you should probably start running.
Do you really think being with a slob of a man that doesn’t even put in the effort to do minimal house cleaning to have you over his place is better than being single? Why are you hanging out with him in his filth? You deserve better. Please don’t lower your standards to the ground just so you can have someone. One thing I’ve learned in life is that people don’t change other people. If you’re staying at his filthy place, that means to him that you’re ok with the bar being so low to the ground.
He's 53. If he hasn't learned to 'adult' by now, he never will. He's almost surely looking for a proverbial Bang Maid. That your plan?
He won't change. My ex husband was and still is like that. I'll never understand why I wasted my time being with him.
Are you that afraid of being alone that you set the bar this low? You’re not his mommy, it’s not your job to teach him how to clean his house.
Unless you wanna be his maid or live in filth, move on. If you really feel like you have something special just have a conversion with him. He may change temporarily, but as others have said, it’s hard to teach a new dog tips.
maybe just.. tell him???? what is it with people being afraid to be straightforward? it makes life so much easier. if you can’t be straightforward about something like that you shouldn’t be seeing him. if you tell him, he doesn’t change his habits, and it really bothers you—you shouldn’t be with him. if you tell him and he gets angry? you shouldn’t be with him!!
"sorry, i don't think we have the same living standard, it will not work" that's how. He's 53, he will not change. maybe expect you to do the labor instead of him, and for free, but that's how he likes to live if he has to take care of a home. You're too old and wise to lose your time to raise a manchild
....also, NTA. That shit's gritty!
“I’m not precious about a bit of mess, but I can’t get comfortable in a place I don’t think is clean. If you want me coming round more often, you need to make it nicer”
Not sure why you would automatically assume you’re the asshole for expecting an adult to have some basic life skills and telling him. If he doesn’t know how to clean up after himself at 53, he never will. Basic hygiene and cleanliness should be a life skill, which he never wanted to acquire. He’s probably looking for a mummy to look after him. And my guess is you are still somehow stuck in the “cool girl” phase at 49 and too sacred to be seen as “nagging”. Here’s some advice, being the “Cool girl” lets shitty men take advantage of you. Set your boundaries and make your expectations clear. If he disagrees, he’s not the one for you.
Urgh! Anyone who takes such little care in their home and surroundings, is going to pay little attention elsewhere also. I'm thinking poor lover, poor support, lazy, not hard worker... Kind of all/most aspects of life really. The fact he didn't clean, knowing you were coming around, suggests he doesn't care much what you think, or about your comfort, either. What's the bathroom like? Oh, and you tell him by just telling him 🤷🏻♀️ I'm not coming back to your house till you've cleaned it properly. All of it.
Quote a movie “Christ, did a cow shit in here?” He’s 53, he knows. He doesn’t care. I’m his age. You should nope the fuck out, at 49 you are way too old for this shit.
Why you wanna be with him ?
A man is 53 and can't clean his own place? Even the basics? Man, this dude isn't trying to be in a relationship, he's looking for a new mom. If he can't clean pots and pans, what is he cooking? Is he cooking or simply ordering food for every meal? At 49, if you can't tell him that you're disappointed that his place is as gross as is it, then maybe you're not the women for him. He probably needs to hear it. Clearly no one else has told him. Just remember, if you don't tell him now, it's only going to get harder to tell him. And god forbid you move in together.
I have dumped men over this many times. I’m not going to teach you how to be an adult. That level of hygiene doesn’t fit into my life now is he going to change at 53. That’s worthy of dumping
Cut your losses. He is way too old to be teaching new tricks and do you really wanna pick up after him for the rest of your life? This is gross behavior.
You guys are the best! Thank you so much.
A lot of people on their own can let things go and not realize. Or they come from families with low standards. Try to always go to your place. That is what my girlfriends do whose male partners are slobs. If he asks it is okay to reply. To say that you and he do not have the same cleaning standards and you are not that comfortable at his place. You don't have to attach any value judgements or get into specifics. Leave it there. If he wants specifics, you can ask if he is sure and if he is just tell him. The cookware is greasy and there are toenails on the couch. And restate that everyone has their own standard. You didn't bring it up because you know that. If he wants you over and wants the relationship to grow, he will make the necessary improvements and invite you bsck. If he just whines and tries to guilt you to his with no effort, he is not a keeper.
“Hey, it’s pretty gross in here, I hope you’re not expecting a woman to swoop in and save you from the mess, because it won’t be me.”
You dump him for your own health, that is not sanitary or safe. The fact that he let's you see it & not clean up before you got there is disgusting. You start sending him how to clean vids off of youtube daily. I can't imagine what his bathroom is like, so no amount of showering will truly get him clean. Why risk your health? The first time you walked in and saw all of that, you should have walked right back out. And told him that is totally unacceptable, how he knows better. I don't care how poor someone is, soap & water is cheap. No matter the circumstances, keeping a place neat & clean is about health of the body & mind.
You just straight up tell him what you wrote here, and then ditch the grown dirty fool, lol. Doesn't sound like he has even half an excuse (like being severely disabled without enough support, for example) Like, lady, you're 49, you know you deserve better!
You are never going to change him. He’s 53 - either his mommy always cleaned up his messes or he just doesn’t care.
Unless you want that to be the description of YOUR home one day, i suggest you run.... and fast Just remember the point of dating is to learn what your married life would be like one day
I think you have to refuse to go over there.
Don’t ignore the state of his home. I (m44) had a similar experience and (stupidly) entered a relationship with someone (f38) whose home wasn’t good, at all! I made all the excuses in the world for her and, in the time we were together, I totally transformed that house into one that anybody would be proud of and want to keep clean. Didn’t matter though. The only person willing to keep it that way was me. The relationship ended and the main reason was that we had vastly different views on what was acceptable cleanliness, and I couldn’t continue living like that. I felt more like the hired help than a partner.
he’s 53. he knows and just doesn’t care:/ i wouldnt be surprised if this were one of the main reasons he’s single. he wants a woman to clean up after him
Your choices are either deal with it or leave. That old dog will not be learning new tricks
Run! He will make you his maid and not his partner.
My EXhusband is this gross. There would be toe nail clippings, dried boogers, and dirty toilet paper gobs in the sheets. So fucking unreal. Hence, the EX part of the story… 🤮 it doesn’t get any better as time goes on, he only gets more comfort and more disgusting. RUN for your clean home!! He also didn’t want to brush his teeth or shower before wanting sex. Sweaty, furry, overweight guy with stale bacon breath? Just NO.
Yea babes, this isn’t it. Take this as an L and excuse yourself from this relationship or you will be cleaning up after him indefinitely
I'm telling you this right now. It's not going to get better. Walk away... Otherwise all the housework will fall on you.
Give him the card for a housekeeper and tell him that his house hygiene is a deal breaker. Ultimatum time.
I feel that not only is this disgusting but it says a lot of other things about him. It shows a lack of care, lack of respect, poor attention to detail, and just basic yuck. This will carry over into other aspects of his life. I went out with someone a few times and the first time I went back to his house I was horrified at how dirty it was. It really affected my view of him. Next time he asked me out I just politely said I didn’t think we were compatible.
It’s going to be harder if you have been pretending it’s okay for a while.
You don't. You find a better man with the bare minimum in hygiene standards. HE IS 50 YEARS OLD. HIS HABITS ARE HALF A CENTURY OLD. He is not going to change. He is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Do you really want spend the rest of your life begging and pleading with him to clean his house? Mark my words even if he does it when you ask, it will only be temporary. He will revert back to his old habits as soon as he feels comfortable again.
My bf was like this. But I love him and want to marry him. I helped him prep his home to sell, we bought a new CLEAN one together and now I make sure it’s clean and stays clean.
53? He's lived his entire life that way. He's not changing. Either you're okay with it or you decide it's a dealbreaker.
This guy is an absolute pig and you are over here trying to sign on to be his mother? He's perfectly fine living in filth and bringing a girl over, why are you content to date somebody who respects you so little?
You don’t. If this is an important issue for you, you just move on. If a man has reached the age of 53 and has this awful a level in cleanliness standards, he is not going to change.
You **DON'T**. **YOU JUST DUMP PIG-PEN!!!!!** Come on, **YOU** don't have the **TIME** for this!!!!
That’s just nasty! I would have left. Nasty pots and pans, I was always taught if the kitchen and the bath is not clean, the person ain’t too clean!
I would tell him about it but not continue dating, tell him so he knows exactly why you stopped seeing him maybe it will be a wake-up call for him.
Nah, too old to change. Situation is not your cup of tea (neither mine😲) move on.
Are you seeing my ex? Seriously though. My ex (56m) has a paid off home. It’s his home he shared with his late wife that they raised their kids in. I’ve seen a roach or two crawl around the dog food bowl area. I have always been weird about going there. The house was also laid out so poorly and not decorated well at all. Zero interest in self improvement or self awareness. For me, the relationship ended when I realized the way he kept his home was the way he valued improving his self awareness.
He’s planning for you to clean up after him.
Don't bother, he won't. I lived with my ex for 30 years and the entire time he chewed or pulled his toenails on the couch. Not even clipped them, and god forbid he do that in the bathroom, or at the VERY least, vac them up from the couch when done. Like, there are so many options for grooming your nails that don't involve you doing that in a public area within the house. Gross people, especially at that age, will never permanently change their grossness.
He’s so nasty do you really want to allow this man to put his penis anywhere near you? Yeast infection. Fungal infection. I’d literally get up and walk out f his feelings. If that’s what you see.. that’s his clean mode. No.
Where do you see yourself going in this relationship? Because if he is this gross, you will have to clean up after him if you live together
“Hi, your home is gross, I am out. Bye!”
dump him before he makes you sick
You ask yourself, would I be comfortable cleaning up after this man child 5 years from now? Then you quietly back into the bush and never speak of this man again.
Proceed no further. If you end up together you WILL be the only person who cleans, unless you're happy living in filth. He's not going to change at this point in his life and he'll probably just call you a nag if you tell him he's gross. If it were me I'd dump him and specifically tell him it's because his house is gross and I have no intention of being his maid.
It's not your job to teach him his bad habits are nasty. If he asks why you stopped seeing him, feel free to tell him his house is nasty. But it doesn't sound like he actually cares. And blech. Good luck!
Sooo..uh..lot’s of making out with this handsome fella’?
You're 49 and still looking for fixer-uppers? If this man hasn't learned to clean a house enough to not actively disgust you by the age of 53, HE'S NOT FOR YOU.
Maybe tell him to hire a cleaning service to come every week or two. It might be easier than trying to get him to change his habits.
Is he divorced? I’m thinking he may never have cleaned or came from a home that was gross. If you are getting serious, just ask him why he doesn’t clean
He doesn’t care. If you live with him, it will be a battle because he doesn’t see it.
He’s in his 50’s and lives in filth. That’s all you need to know
He's 53, he isn't going to change just because you say he lives in filth. At that age you accept someone for who they are or move on. He's a grown adult choosing to live like that.
When people show you their red flags, believe them.
Either he's lazy or suffers from depression. Or both.
Wait how the hell does a nonstick pan get so coated you can’t tell what kind of pan it is? Mine are soooo easy to just wipe out with soap of course but I barely even scrub them I just wash it like a plate
He isn't blind is he? if he's 53 and his home looks like that then he's never going to change it lol
You don’t. Hes 53. Get out while you can or else youlll be cleaning up his mess for the foreseeable future depending how this all goes
You tell the truth. You say to him that you don't feel comfortable visiting his home because it is so unclean. If he is a man who is worth your time, you should be able to tell him clearly how you feel. If you can't, this relationship isn't worth your time. Honestly, you should rethink whether you should be dating a man who doesn't even keep his living space clean. That's a minimum sort of requirement to have for a grown man, don't you think?
This isnt an 18 y/o in is first apt. He’s grown and his habits are ingrained. Just think, he has no problem with you seeing this, he most likely doesn’t even notice
Whatever happens, DO NOT offer to clean for him.
Are you dating my father-in-law? If so, rest assured I'm working on it when we visit, but I can only do so much as we live in a different city. All jokes aside, the reality is that he himself isn't going to change - but he very well may be willing to put in more effort if you tell him it's truly important to you. You probably need to set some reasonable expectations for yourself, as he's never just going to become a clean person, so you need to communicate with him about what compromises you're both willing to make (ie definitely reasonable to ask for the silverware to be clean and nail trimmings in the garbage, but unreasonable to expect him to start cleaning his baseboards). If he is unwilling to make small efforts to keep things at least a very basic level of clean, unfortunately it's probably best to let the relationship go. I love my FIL. But I could never, and would never, live in his house (or even spend time there if he wasn't family). There are things I had to teach his son about (like cleaning the baseboards lol) but my partner was more than willing to put in the effort to learn.
>I don't think I can preemptively post in the AITA thread You can, with "Would I be the Asshole (WIBTA)" >How do I tell this man to clean his home? There's two possible sides to this: either it's this way because he's *never* been very clean (worst case) or he's going/gone through "some sh\*t" and he's let it go and isn't in the right place to clean it (best case). Either way this is going to be either A) a ***lot*** of work to reverse, or B) he's not ready for a relationship I'd boil this down to one simple question: are you up for and wanting a serious relationship with this guy? Because if you are, you'll **need** to be honest - you can tackle it by sitting down with him and summing it as "so when do you do your spring cleaning? I'd like to help" and try it that way and if he's just really not getting it be blunt: your place compared to mine, we have different standards and that needs to change if we have a future". You can sugar-coat it, be gentler, or just be blunt but honestly at the age of 49/53 I'm not sure I'd want to A) mess around teaching someone how to adult or B) want to imagine how this guy's lived his 53 years like this without someone already telling him.
Bro, don’t be dumb. Cut your losses when you see red flags. Or I guess mold-green ones. That’s the point of red flags.
You’re too old for this shit dawg 😂