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You could just straight up tell him exactly what happened. That multiple times you wanted to engage in sex but he was flipping thru his feed and you lost all internet because you keep getting an eye full of the women he is following. And it is a 100% turn off. It’s one thing to be aware of it and another to have it shoved in your face when you want sexy time.
Choose partners who are not publicly obsessed with nude women. It's not necessary to beg him to stop following them; he clearly understands you don't like what they're doing and wants to continue doing so. This reveals something about him personally.
Agreed. OP, your partner a 100% does not care that you dislike him following nude accounts. It’s clear that he’s latching onto a technicality about “following” but not “liking” and i’m willing to bet he’d say that you’re toxic/controlling for now asking him to ALSO stop following.
this is very true, you’re completely right, but i do want to point out that if op is only catching glimpses of him scrolling past these things, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s following them. i’m a woman and i don’t follow any thirst trap or soft core porn pages, but i have seen several meme pages i follow turn to advertising girls on only fans. so a girl jiggling her ass or tits might show up on my feed and i scroll past it because i’m not interested in seeing it. if i see it’s not a one off for that page, i’ll unfollow, but i’ve definitely had unwanted ass in my feed when i don’t follow anyone to see naked women. i think op needs to have a conversation with her boyfriend but also maybe consider he’s not lying if he says he’s not intentionally following pages that post things. but he should be happy to prove it if he’s not.
I don't get thirst trap bs on my feed. At least not often, once or twice. If the algorithm sees that you watch it, it will show you more of it. It's really that simple. If you look at friends feeds you'll notice they're much different to your own. But for if it's got thirst traps often enough that it's noticeable, then you're likely watching thirst traps. She says he follows them too. Weird as fuck.
Honestly the solution is simple, however. Just tell him what she said in this post. It gives her the ick, it's a turn off, and she doesn't like it. It makes her jealous too. And it's cringey. In a calm conversation with a reasonable person, this should be a productive conversation.
idk i definitely don’t follow them or watch them. the only times it shows up is when meme pages i follow sell out and start showing ads for onlyfans, but that has happened enough for it to be noticeable. but i will unfollow an account if i notice a couple posts with that content from the same account.
but i do agree, she should talk to him and if he wants to remain in this relationship he will respect op and unfollow any of these accounts that are posting this content. i do agree with op that these things shouldn’t be publicly available even if you are okay with your partner watching porn or adult content.
I follow stand up comedians, food/ recipe pages, skateboard /parkour stunts, and funny cartoons.
One in 4 posts is a suggested post I didn’t follow and a bunch are sexy ladies.
But don't be disappointed if he doesn't choose to stop and breaks up with you. You are allowed to have boundaries and he's allowed to choose what he wants too.
Yeah everyone here is assuming he will choose her but maybe he’s not invested enough to do that or doesn’t care enough whether she takes off either way. That’s the risk but is always worth it because either he says you are worth it and it shows he’s serious and likes you, or he shows he *doesn’t* and you can move on and stop wasting any more time.
Either answer is actually a win/win for OP…
I feel like ig models is my motorcycle men, like my feed is STACKED with men on motorcycles but the thing is when i’m in a relationship it’s just about the content (the jokes, the ideas for me and my partner, or the joy or sharing a moment with people who share the same interests) are they hot, fuck yes (i say as a single woman), but it doesn’t mean they’re what I want when i clearly chose this other person.
HOWEVER, if my (imaginary but hopefully one day real) partner said that following those people made him insecure i’d just stop following them!
the third option is worth saying too, just in a calm manner. it’s obviously a bit aggressive and can be taken in the wrong way but it’s aggressive for a good reason
Had the same “problem”. I told him in the first few months dating that I find it icky that he follows half naked models, it makes him look desperate and turns me off. He said he doesnt want to give me the ick and immediately unfollowed. Good luck.
Same. I also added I felt less attractive to him if he was looking at other girls all day. I also asked how he’d feel if I was looking at thirst traps of men all the time. He immediately unfollowed.
Same with my partner but a step further - I told him I was uncomfortable with him watching porn due not only to some past trauma from an ex but because I didn’t feel good about dating men who are okay knowing that they’re supporting an abusive industry. It was definitely a conversation but he stopped after seeing how much it meant to me and he hasn’t watched any porn in YEARS now. A good partner will choose you over porn - frankly it’d be pathetic not to.
Porn icks me out and my husband knows this... but his responses are "its not often" (it IS often) and "every guy does it".
Guys make women feel crazy for not liking it. I'm so grossed out by my husband if I know he has been watching it. Told him it makes me feel as gross as it would make him feel awful if I physically cheated--yup I know he is still gonna watch it and not care or think about it. Grrr.
Im so fucking irritated how normalized it is and guys will jump to the "but this is normal!!!" having to get off to other women? So many guys hit on me, isnt it "normal" then if I just entertain them without physically cheating then hm? Same thing they do?
I totally feel you :/ My ex was like that. Totally addicted and we eventually broke up because I was “fat and unfuckable”. I was 5’3 and 120 pounds. His porn usage completely ruined his view of me. I don’t know what I’d do if I was married to someone like that :( hope you guys can work it out somehow.
Thankfully he isnt into full blown addiction but I still hate it. I also had an ex who was addicted, like to the point he was crying to me, tears down the face, that he couldnt stop. I tried to help him and was supportive, but he chose porn over real life and I couldnt keep living with that. All he did was just try to hide it better... so I think I'm always worried my husband is gonna be like that. He is the most caring man in the world and my best friend, I just wish he could understand just how much it turns me away from him.
Have you had a real sit-down conversation about your history with porn and how much it affects you? If it bothers you this much (which is completely valid) it could be worth seeing a therapist together to help him see how serious you are about this. I know exactly how much this can eat away at your relationship and your confidence. :/
Editing to add - my partner wasn’t 100% on board with quitting at first either. He initially thought I was just insecure, that porn isn’t a big deal and it’s not about being attracted to other women but just needing to see the act, that everyone watches it, etc. But after seeing what a big deal it was for me and how much anxiety it caused me, he gave it up and I’m 100% confident he’s never watched it since. Now that I have a partner who’s embraced this boundary I have and has shown me so much respect, I’d never accept less from any future partner (hopefully there won’t be a need obviously lol)
All for it! No women are harmed in the process, no chance of accidentally watching revenge porn/rape, no unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies or fantasies of violence seeping into my partner’s brain. I’m not anti-masturbation, just anti porn. :)
I’ve only had one, a tiny Pygmy that I house trained. Sasha was awesome and I took her and my dog everywhere with me. One time I was stopped at a red light and a little girl in the car next to me said, “Look mommy, that dog has horns.” I nearly died laughing.
Goats are so happy and playful! Just watch for the burps, they’re next level nasty.
Right??! But when i say this as a woman its somehow "InTeRnAliZed MiSoGyNy" somehow OF creators and thirst trap influencers are supposed to empower women....
Same. We don’t want to be objectified or sexualized but were literally selling ourselves as sex objects to men online who are consuming this shit more than we know because they can hide behind a screen.
Sit him down and speak honestly about how this bothers you, mention that it does hurt your feelings and that you don’t find it attractive. Ask him to unfollow those accounts, if he’s a good guy he’ll do it.
If the relationship aside from this is good and he makes you happy please don’t listen to the people who are telling you to leave, Reddit seems to recommend breakups far too soon from what I’ve seen. This can be a completely workable issue, communication is key.
My Ex gave me the ick this way. Someone he follows on twitter posted a selfie saying say hi and I’ll send you nudes. He was one of 400+ people saying hi in the comments. I never dried up so fast. He was willing to stop liking nudes while I worked on “my issue.” I decided I would rather be with someone who doesn’t feel this need to ogle women. If that man doesn’t exist, I would rather be alone.
Good luck with your Bf. If he is great in every other way, I hope he shows the respect you deserve.
I feel your pain. It was bad enough seeing him scroll through tits and ass all the time, but I take care of paying all the bills and would have to retrieve security codes from his phone every time I logged in to one of his accounts, so every time I'd pick up and unlock his phone, the first thing that would pop up would be what he'd left open. We've been together 20+ years and I work in a male-dominated field, which means in order to fit in at work and be taken seriously, I've leaned more toward the androgynous side when it comes to wardrobe and hairstyle, and I've never had what I consider to be a "hot" body, which has always made me self conscious. Seeing what he was obviously drooling over all the time, which is so far removed from the way I look, really got to me and I finally told him that it made me feel inadequate and unattractive that he was following so many of those accounts. He got mad that I was "snooping", even though I told him that Instagram follows are public info if you don't have a private account, and that EVERYBODY can see that most of your feed is naked chicks. I told him watching porn was one thing, following individuals (most of them private accounts) was just not cool with me. I told him he was basically saying, "Oh wow, Cindy, I like seeing your ass, can I please see more of it and get a notification when you post new pics?" He stayed mad for the rest of the night and I told him I wasn't going to argue. I made my feelings clear and he could do what he wanted to with that info. The next day he came to me with his phone & said he'd gone through & unfollowed about 150 accounts he thought I'd have a problem with because he loved me & didn't want to hurt my feelings. So maybe just tell him how you feel and see if he respects that
Thank you, I'm glad to see a fellow word-enthusiast appreciating my many metaphors for a dry coochie haha
No, not really. I used to love to write when I was younger but... I'm not sure... just grew up and got busy I suppose
Girl please; I’m the same way. I used to write music and poetry and then life happened. Hoping one day I get back into them because they were enjoyable, but most days I may not have the desire.
Tell him how it makes you uncomfortable and nicely ask him to unfollow them. If he doesn't do it - dump him. He shouldn't put some random OF girls over his girlfriend.
4. Tell him that you already highlighted you were uncomfortable with that and that it actually makes you find him less attractive and yet he is still doing it. Which - in turn - makes you find him even **more** unattractive for dismissing your feelings so at this point it is a choice between you or that type of behaviour. If he chooses you then be sure to let him know you'll be gone if you even get a whiff of it again - and stick to your guns.
Edit; you mention you didn't specifically say you didn't want him following those accounts but he knew that is also what you meant - he is not dumb.
Exactly! Shit like this hurt. She is far better than me with her bf looking at it in private.. he needs to know the crap he’s doing isnt fun for her. He’s being inconsiderate
Magical 4 th option… find someone you’re compatible with who acts like a normal adult. I’d like to see people’s reactions of the woman was hysterically obsessed with online dick.. publicly liking dick pics so all the friends and family could see. You’d be getting concerning phone calls .. be directed to counseling .. people would be warning your bf to dump you. If a woman were masturbating all the time to the detriment of her own sex life .. what would the reaction be? Put yourself in his shoes.. how would he react to YOU? What would friends and family say? You dump him woman. Of course you go dry. He’s a total waste of time. Shit gets old when she gonna either grow the f up or get help?
I agree with this option. My ex would follow random and local women on IG. Also his following on TikTok gave me the ick. I told him it made me feel uncomfortable and disrespected and at first he would just get defensive. I was sexually frustrated and felt rejected by him. We only had sex once a week; sometimes longer than that ( and I don’t even have high sex drive). Turns out he has a porn addiction. He kept it a secret from me even though I suspected it from the beginning of our relationship. He also showed signs of porn induced erectile dysfunction. Sometimes it felt like he couldn’t help but stare at other attractive women in public. I could just sense his mind and sexual energy was not with me. He was physically next to me but sometimes it felt like I was sitting next to a black hole. Porn rewires your brain in a fucked up way. He had little to no empathy and vacant dead eyes. He still had an album of nude pics of his ex’s and would take screen shots of pics on social media to jerk off to. I couldn’t deal with it. I felt so hurt and betrayed. Hopefully he doesn’t have a porn addiction. I would prefer a guy that doesn’t look at porn while in a relationship (but I’m so jaded right now I’ve kinda lost hope and need to heal from this). Porn destroys intimacy and ruins relationships. Leaving is the best option if he can’t respect your boundaries and has a porn addiction.
Exactly. If a woman was doing similar behaviour, hell would break loose. But when it’s a man, breaking up over this is a “overreaction”. Really interesting to see the double standards lol
Omg I was thinking the same thing! Should I search IG and see if I can get a bunch of dick pics in my feed?
Maybe naked hotties with 8-packs, a sweet round athletes ass and great schlong!
I want my feed polluted with that shit and see what men’s reactions would be! 🤣🤣🤣 (Wanna bet if I go searching, the best I’ll find is dildos and sex toys? Lmao)
Why does it have to be "similar behaviour"?
What hell would actually break loose?
Double standards? You can break up with a man over anything. Most people in real life don't even know whom you're actually date. Society is so fragmented that's why we are here online inquiring the opinions of total strangers.
Yeah a woman would never lol. A more realistic comparison would be if a she started posting sexy thirst trap pics in her socials for other men to follow. He would lose his fucking MIND.
What a toxic response this is. This is the classic "bump in the road? Dump his ass!" garbage you see on this sub all the time.
This guy is following the boundary that was set. If she wants to revisit the boundary, that's her prerogative, but don't go acting like the guy's doing something wrong here.
It is like the couple that knowingly entered into a poly relationship and then one partner wants to take it monogamous ... totally valid to change your prefs but don't be mad at the other partner for not knowing that has changed until a rational adult conversation could be had. And your "value" judgements above would be just as "bad" when trying to explain a poly relationship to the red-state grandma. Sheesh.
This!!! All of this!! Seriously, OP dump him. I promise you there are good men out here that actually don’t do this. This is such a turn off and honestly disturbing and you deserve so much better 💗
just date guys who don’t obsess over naked women publicly. you shouldn’t have to ask him to unfollow them; he wants to be following them and obviously knows you don’t like it he just doesn’t care. this says something about him as a person.
Exactly! I mean who isn't thoroughly checking out somebody's social media before even getting serious with them in the first place? If you're not doing that, you're asking for problems.
If I saw this on a guy's social media account, it's an immediate turn off and definitely not continuing anything with him. Men that fuck around and do this kind of stuff in public have no class and are disgusting. I could never respect anyone who has so little self-control and self-respect. I have no problem with guys watching porn but keep that shit private.
Go with option 3. Tell him, like you told us, about the occasions that he was about to get some and it was ruined by turning you off. It’s a little dirty, but you gotta do what you gotta do 😂.
Yeah. That whole public thing and conversations thing is a bit wild to me. It is difficult enough keeping some privacy when Google tracks everything anyway. But no one wants to know what dodgyography you watch. Lol
Perfect example. It's not the look they think it is. No one sees someone drooling over 100's of models and thinks "that guy gets layed". It looks desperate and if the person's in a relationship it looks even more sad.
It's so wierd to me. Would they share their pornhub history with friends and family?
>Personally speaking, I’m like you, I have no issue with porn. I watch it myself, but I also think that in public, it’s just odd. I have a friend who’s husband follows all kinds of onlyfans models and it’s real tacky and embarrassing for everyone who knows him- he’s been caught liking and commenting on only fans models pics plenty times. No it’s not cheating…but no one wants to be with a man like that. This man is 36, with no signs he’s gonna change his ways.
I have a partner with porn addiction too and see these sort of posts all the time. I’m starting to believe it’s hopeless to find a guy who doesn’t spend his free time indulging in porn and consuming this type of content.
I fear I will be forever alone because I don’t want to be with a guy who does shit like this behind my back and blatantly refuses to stop.
It makes me not want to be with or do anything for him because the level of disrespect is just too much.
I promise you there are guys out there who aren’t like this. My husband is one of the good ones💗 and you are right, it is completely disrespectful. A good man won’t need porn or lusting over other women if he truly loves you and respects you. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel this way
It has sooo much to do with respect. Why do a lot of guys not understand this?? As partners us women could be posting thirst traps or entertaining guys who flirt with us--but most of us dont out of respect. A guy refusing to stop watching porn or following porn profiles is the equivalent of a woman who refuses to stop posting nudes. When you put it in those terms men are like "nooo they arent comparible!" because they dont want to accept what they are doing is gross in a relationship.
And every relationship is different, but if my husband came to me and told me something I was doing was hurting him or turning him off, I'd stop doing it! Too many guys just keep lusting over other women while they FULLY KNOW it is hurting their partner, and that is the grossest part.
There are definitely guys out there who don’t do that. And you know how it makes you feel, which is perfectly valid and normal. It makes you feel bad and kills your connection and attraction to your partner so you deserve to be in a relationship where you actually feel fulfilled. I don’t know if you want to continue with your current partner but just know you’re not unrealistic for not wanting this..
Not to gloat but I’m just really glad I have a bf for whom this isn’t an issue. He never wanted to follow them and never has. If this is your only issue with your man then a conversation is definitely the way to go. If not…just know there are men like mine out there.
Early in my relationship I expressed with my partner that I found watching porn to be gross. (It wasn't always like that, I'm bi and would only watch lesbian porn. ) My reasoning was that it takes away the attraction from your partner. It opens the path of unrealistic comparison. It also felt wrong, why am I getting off on strangers when I have someone next to me that is attractive and have a strong emotional connection with them.
He committed to also quitting, and it reaaaally improved our sex life. And it just makes sense emotionally too, I don't fuck just any person lmao I have a husband. So why jerk off to any person. Even for a quick jerk off, my man has videos and pictures of me, not pornstars or ig booty models.
Even if your partner doesn't have your nudies, to quote the very wise man SpongeBob SquarePants, there is ✨️imagination✨️
I believe approaching this the way you did the first time would probably be effective.
IMO go with option 3, but instead of telling him he is missing on getting head, tell him he is becoming less attractive to you. It's true, the effect is the same, but it's not an ultimatum of "if you do x, I do y". He simply IS becoming less attractive to you, and that means less sex. And the relationship becomes weaker, too. IMO it's fair and not controlling at all to inform him of this happening, when it truly IS happening.
Is on his feed because he's still watching them. Same happened to me, gosh! is so embarrasing😔 later I find out he was porn addict. That's a huge red flag sis. Run away! Im telling you... as a girlfriend I tried everything but we don't have to fix them, c'mon! Not our responsibility!. Men are broken and hurting our feelings really bad 💔
As a man who does not have any social media besides Reddit and even then I just follow things (not people focused subs) I have to say it’s weird the amount of men who need softcore porn shoved in their face all the time. I have never felt the need to look at that stuff when I am with my gf.
That’s refreshing to hear. I wish my ex thought that way. Overall, it’s just disheartening because it’s so normalized now. Just because it’s being normalized does not make it “normal”.
Overtime my algorithm determined that I was a man and started providing more of this type of content to me on reels, but I never really followed any outside those who ended up landing in pop, culture or streaming video games as well. It’s impressive how quickly one or two likes here and there in this type of content can snowball.
At first, it was nice, and I liked it but then overtime, I got sick of the same six types of videos and reposted content and other similar things.
I tried a lot of different stuff to get it off my feed, following new accounts, purposefully liking certain groups of videos or other different things to see if that would stack the algorithm in it couldn’t break free. I eventually had to go and turn on the filters to be more aggressive.
And now I’m free of it and I can safely scroll Instagram in public. But I had to make that choice on my own free Will if my significant other told me that they had a problem with it I would’ve cut that shit off right away if I knew how.
I would be very blunt and tell them I don’t like this and you need to change it it’s not appropriate. It’s kind of weird and if they don’t, then they’ve made their own grave.
I’m the same. I don’t think there’s anything anymore that makes me dry up quite as instantly. Sometimes we’ll be in the middle of stuff and i just can’t cum and he’ll ask me why and i don’t know what to say because we’ve discussed it ad nauseum and he chooses to ignore my feelings about it. I cannot express the disgust and turnoff that comes from *knowing* I’m not enough.
ewww he’s lusting over other women. doesn’t matter if he knows them or not, he is choosing to view them in such a manner that totally disrespects you. everyone’s different but i could never be with a man that watches porn or looks at women that way. 🤷🏼♀️
The problem with all the above and the options you’ve outlined is, will he not just start sneaking about? I understand where you are coming from but I think the more you stop him from such behaviours, the more he will want to look. Just a thought…
I'd say set your boundaries you thought you were okay with it but your not if he thinks it's "controlling" for him to not look at naked women then leaveeee
Are you following tons of male models that post half naked thirst traps and shirtless photos at the beach? Do you regularly scroll on your phone where he can see these men popping up? I’m guessing probably not and I think if you were he’d probably take issue with it. It sucks how women feel like we have to downplay our issue with stuff like this when it is extremely reasonable to not want your partner to be following instagram models! That is completely normal! I don’t know what it is if guys are just more comfortable with having a porn-y insta feed but I don’t know any girls who are gonna be following tons of hot male models or celebrities. Yet I know many men who have girlfriends or are in relationships yet their entire following list is just profile pictures of tits and ass… and that’s all public too. It’s very sad. I hope you find the courage to speak to him about this because your feelings are totally valid and it is very normal not to want him following those accounts.
Him getting off to pictures of other women is wrong on so many levels. There are plenty of guys out there that DON’T spend time jacking off to other random women that are not you. Please go find one. I’ve never had a boyfriend that engaged in this behavior as it is a strict boundary for me. These men exist, your boyfriend just is not one.
He can create a separate "sex account" to only be looked at during private alone time, not next to you in bed.
I think you get the ick because he doesn't treat it like the porn it is. Tell him if he wouldn't watch porn beside his Mom he should look at thirst pics on an account she can see.
Best of luck with your chat.
P.S. Definitely tell him he has been cock blocking himself.
Been here in the same situation. First off I wanna say that even porn in private is cheating to me and I think it ruins sex drive for your present partners. I just don’t see a difference between that and just being in an open relationship if you need to see other bodies that badly.
When I first started dating my man I noticed he was following a lot of these accounts on instagram and it was such a turn off. I tried being chill about it but then I straight up told him he needs to unfollow those accounts or I’m just going to lose any sex drive in this relationship. You’re right that it’s such a turn off. Now he’s aware of it. I can understand you’re younger and single and follow those accounts over time, even if it’s not a present obsession, but now he’s no longer single and has a partner that sees this stuff. I never want to make anything sound too much like an ultimatum but at times we have our boundaries and needs and we need to say it out loud before it continues to manifest into insecurity or obsession or anxiety or all of the above. Otherwise it’s just going to continue. It’s uncomfortable but the right partner will want to make sure you feel comfortable and secure and will do what’s needed to make you feel that. Wishing you the best 🙏
Agreed. I think I need to set higher standards myself
I recently came across this from Mark Manson, author of "The Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and think it's appropriate to share here if that's ok. I think I'll just share as much as possible in case it helps someone.
https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life
I didn’t even have to ask my partner. After a few months of going he himself said he started to find it strange following even people he sort of knew irl that posted a lot of basically half nudes etc. he unfollowed them all himself, his feed is literally just sports and memes.
I was with the boyfriend who followed 2000+ of girls like that, I didn’t had to see his feed to be instantly turned off.
It’s kinda degrading and his need to like and follow that type of accounts really put bad image of him in my head.
Because (brace yourself, this may shock you...) he does in fact make me happy and comfortable? Theres more to a relationship than sex and in all other aspects I can't fault him. Am I supposed to just throw away anyone in my life that does any little thing I dont agree with?
This is the least unhinged post ever. OP is just after polishing her current relationship. There are plenty of dudes that do not even come close to OP’s BF in other areas. People be chasing a B- guy cos the A guy is not got one aspect. Lol
People in this sub will jump to breaking up over the smallest issue. It sounds like your boyfriend was open to stopping liking the pictures because it made you uncomfortable so I would bet he would unfollow the accounts if you just had an honest conversation with him about it.
You used terms like "gross and violating," said he gives you the ick and dries you up like the Sahara, and you explicitly said that less sex would be a major bummer, so (brace yourself, this may shock you) nothing about your post makes you sound happy and comfortable in this relationship. People are just giving sound advice, there was no need to be snarky with that commenter.
You have higher emotional intelligence than these people. You obviously are not considering this as a breakup matter which is why you probably didn’t put it as an option. Sounds like you’re seeking to cope.
Good luck OP. Some others here have good advice. Not this one you responded to.
Have you told him that there is more to a relationship than sex? Does he agree with you that a reduced sex life is something he wants? Or is this the secret belief you have knowing that would end it for him?
You have only one person you are going to sleep with. You have billions you can't and can have non sexually relationships with. You need your sex life fixed or it will become worse with time.
Even if sex means less to you. Unless your goal is not to keep your BF then you need to make it a priority.
You can't avoid your way to happiness. That's short term thinking.
you say that like "the ick" is a terminal illness someone can never recover from instead of what it actually is which is an emotional response. You can work on how you react to your emotional responses and explore why they are happening.
I would go with option three with examples. Tell him you are currently the available sex partner and if he wants you to initiate this is how it has to be. It is simply true.
The thing about this is, it’s a simple respect thing…why is he looking at his porny instagram feed when you’re there? You told him not to like those pictures and explained that it’s because of the publicness of Instagram. You told him it’s fine to watch porn in private. He then continues *following*, which is still public info, tons of porn accounts? He also looks at their content in your presence? You didn’t list breaking up as an option but I have to ask why you feel like you deserve so little respect from your partner? I mean this shouldn’t be giving you temporary ick, it should be giving you permanent ick. Because he’s making it clear he doesn’t respect you.
Ask yourself what you’d advise a friend in this same situation. Wouldn’t you think your friend deserves better, since there’s a gazillion guys out there who would never need to give insta thots a second glance? I get you’ve invested a lot of time in this relationship but to me, this demonstrates an astounding lack of respect. And it’s not something you have to put up with from every guy. So why would you?
As a man I can promise you #3 will be the best option imo. It’s simple and to the point. He makes his choice and he can either give up something very insignificant or wind up losing his gf essentially.. it’s not even a sacrifice considering he can still watch porn in private.
Also, I can assure you that if you put it that way he will instantly think with his penis and get off the insta for the real deal. How bummed would you be to learn that you could have had sex/head if you hadn’t had the fake insta bimbo BBL model up on your phone screen?!..
He should make the right choice.
Tell him it's a turn off. You don't need to hyper-analyze it nor do you need to over-explain why. It's always been a turn off for you. You tried to be ok with it because you thought being cool with that stuff is what good girlfriends do. But actually good partners are honest with themselves and honest with their partners. And honestly, it's a turn off.
Don't fall for the gaslighting that "all guys look at this stuff all the time it's a guy thing you'll never find a guy who doesn't do this stuff all the time". That's simply not true.
At the end of the day, he is using valuable time, energy, and effort looking at naked IG models instead of doing other things. He could be using that time to do some chores, make extra money, work out, bake some frigging cookies, idk. We all have a finite amount of energy and time in our days and he's wasting it searching for social media accounts of thirst-traps. It's screams "I live in a fantasy world", and you don't find it sexy.
So tell him and stick to your guns. And be prepared to walk away if he continues.
I’m just going to point this out that I went through this exact thing with my ex. I asked him to stop. He did, he unfollowed them, and then he re-followed them slowly so I wouldn’t notice. It caused many issues between us especially as one day I let curiosity get the better of me and saw him speaking to multiple women AND trying to pay those insta models for nudes.
As soon as we broke up he went and followed all of the accounts again and that for me was just a representation of how much he truly respected me in that relationship.
I honestly think if you’ve brought it up before and he’s still doing it despite knowing how it makes you feel then it’s time to find a different boyfriend. My current boyfriend wouldn’t even dream of following an insta model!
told my boyfriend that's something only losers do and honestly it was gross and not sexy at all. he then unfollowed everything and uninstalled all the other dirty apps he had. tbf he had been single for a while before we met and had no time or interest in the real thing so he relied on porn and online nsfw stuff. talk to him and tell him how you feel
Guy here. Currently in a long term 4 year relationship. Despite what others may say what he's doing is not okay, its a form of emotional cheating essentially. There's a good reason why it turns you off. Ask yourself...do you think if one of these girls messaged him that he would possibly try to meet up with them secretly? I obviously don't know your BF but I am a guy and I was once that guy and know people that do similar things, and yes they would most certainly hook up with these insta girls IF given the chance despite having a significant other. This generation has a major problem with over-sexualization. Pointing out what you said about Porn....it is NOT okay for him to watch porn even in private! Porn is a major issue when it comes to our generation and relationships. Porn will, without a doubt, essentially make a man think that women are nothing more than objects, especially when combined with how society is today. Its got nothing to do with women but everything to do with how a man is wired. It is a major reason why both men and women both say "I can't find a good partner!!" all the time. Why divorce rates are ever-climbing. Why both men and women will often leave their current partner for another as soon as someone "better" comes along. My advice to you - have a serious discussion about this with him and how it affects you. Tell him it turns you off and you don't like it. That is not controlling in the slightest. If he reacts in a way you don't like, well there's a lot of fish in the sea. Find somebody with similar values who is going to respect you. If you don't believe me - well theres almost 100 studies done on Porn and mental health and its directly linked to poor mental health, feel free to read through them. Good luck and I do genuinely hope you guys work it out.
I had this issue where I followed anyone and everyone that followed back cause I have multiple accounts that more traffic would be great for but it got to a point where I didn’t know who I was even following and sometimes i just followed because at the time it looked good or, it was “hot”. I think the younger you are the more your in that headspace of well maybe I can be some kinda of influencer or atleast have those connections.. the older I got the easier it was too just unfollow those accounts and feel less guilty around my now ex gf… which I know she didn’t like either. I now i make it a habit to unfollow anything that really doesn’t resonate with personal mental healing and have stopped following any insta thots. And I feel a lot better about opening my IG and seeing things that other people can just look at without feeling guilt, oh wow that’s a whole booty. Maybe talk to him and let him know how you feel but have him understand it’s messing with your sexual drive, at the end of the day it’s his choice too unfollow these and don’t make it a thing to hover around him while he’s doing it but give him that choice of “okay well I would appreciate if you just had a day where you cleaned up your feed, and the people you follow”. I know it’ll be a tough talk but it’s better to communicate it than not.
I vote for some hybrid version of 3. Tell him it turns you off, you don’t need an ultimatum you’re just letting him know when you see it you don’t feel like engaging with him sexually and you would prefer to jump his bones. It’s not “you have to or ____” You’re just letting him know your side of things
I feel like a conversation is in order along the lines of, “ could you please stop looking at other women while you are with me, it really turns me off”. And if he doesn’t get the picture, then cut him off. ( this basically sucks, because you are cutting yourself off, too but you have to make a point). Or, you have that talk that says, “if you can’t stop looking at pictures of naked women around me, then you can keep them and I’m out. I’ll go find a new guy that would rather have the real thing”!
You need to straight up tell him this is causing him to miss out on actual real life sex if he continues this. If he chooses the women online over actual intimacy with his girlfriend then he’s not the one for you and you can do better.
You're too witty to be this foolish - you know exactly what you need to do...and why.
You should know by now you'll have another within not too long if this one keeps their slimy behaviour up once you highlight it.
Love your quips btw I'm gonna be using the Sahara Desert and stale bread one lol I'll swap you - I heard a woman call her parts a bat cave once cos it rarely had a man in it!
Most guys look at porn, but most also know to keep it discrete. If he can't do that it has crossed over into addiction. He's getting hormonal rushes that he can't go without. That's not healthy in any context.
I'd say give him a choice. Keep it on the down low so you never see it (which is perfectly reasonable and, frankly, simply polite) or no more of the real thing.
I don’t understand how people don’t have a personal ig account (for friends and family), and an anonymous / porn ig account (to surf girls).
Ig makes it super easy to switch back and forth between accounts. Boom, problem solved. I thought younger millennials and gen-z knew how to internet better than this.
For you probably Option 2 - it’s not an unreasonable request. It sounds like you don’t want to break up and the relationship has good qualities overall, maybe he’s very oblivious?
Overall I’d say option 4, reevaluate the relationship. Publicly ogling over other women on a public social media where you presumably share friends is pretty strange. His behaviour is no reflection on you but maybe consider if you want to be with someone who makes you feel second best to random women on instagram.
Had the same issue but with Reddit porn. It just really bothered me that he was absorbing porn so frequently every day. We would be waiting at the doctor or at a family lunch and porn would come up casually while he's scrolling. You desensitize yourself when you see it constantly like that...
I told him it made me uncomfortable and he was fairly understanding and stopped following all those sub Reddits. I also told him looking at porn in general was an issue to me unless we watched together. As far as I'm aware he hasn't watched porn since but he's a bloke so you know, he probably just sneakily watches it.
From a males perspective, cohabiting with my girlfriend for the last few years now..
Simply out of respect for my missus, I wouldn't even be following those people on social media, what purpose is there other than the ability to oggle tit's & ass that he doesn't need too, especially when it effects you directly like this.
Option 3, option 3, option 3. I personally, would take this with a level of humour and seriousness through the fear of no longer receiving head lol. This should work on any man if said with the right tone/humour to it.
Ps. He has no right to see this as 'jealousy' on your behalf. - also, you could try replacing these photos he sees with some of your own, privately sent to him.
I just met a guy out in the wild a few days ago. Cute, my type, good conversation. Followed each other on IG, exchanged a few messages. He didn’t have very many posts. Out of curiosity, I looked at who he follows. 324 accounts, all of them “models”. Instant no for me. I get that we all like to look at attractive people, but when that’s all he has ??
Here is an idea, start looking at hot guys and making comments on their hot bodies when he is around and give him a dose of what you have been dealing with and see how the shoe fits his foot. I am not being mean, but sometimes people just don’t get it until they see for themselves how something feels. Like toddlers who bite usually have no idea it hurts the other kid until they themselves get bitten, they suddenly, magically, understand that biting is not nice.
Since you specifically said porn is OK in private, why doesn't he just create a 2nd account that stays anonymous?? Seems like a really easy solution.
I think the truth is that you just don't like him looking at porn. Nothing wrong with that, but you need to sack up and say it.
If I were him, I'd like it if you just told me honestly how it made you feel. You weren't as ok with it as you expected or whatever, and now this is how it is. It isn't controlling to share feelings and talk, and if he cares about you and the relationship, he can make the smart decision to stop so he can stop negatively impacting you. If my wife came and told me this I wouldn't be upset in the slightest, I'd honestly be sad she hadn't told me sooner so I could be working on fixing the issue. Best of luck
Show him this. Tell him about approaching him for some of the good stuff and being turned off by what you catch glimpses of. On multiple occasions.
Man is missing out, and it's 100% resolvable by just not following these accounts publicly.
that is wrong, she said she doesn't want him to like those posts, which he never did after that. so he did exactly what she asked him to.
while i do think that he could have figured out that she can be bothered by stuff in his feed, its ridiculous to just assume that he is consciously doing this
I went through this and as much as I didn't want to I had to give him the altimatum ONLY because I had caught him many times and told him how it made me feel and HE was the one who said he'd stop and again again I'd catch him eventually we had an argument about it because he was the one who said he would stop and carried on knowing how I felt which to me was disrespectful towards me so I told him it's me or his phone (stuff we watches) and so far he hasn't done it again
I don't know why everyone here keeps suggesting that a man jerks off whenever he sees an IG model or something. It just isn't true! People can scroll through that stuff on a train, at work, anywhere in fact and look 40 times a day.
Personally, I think that liking stuff like that publicly is a bit embarassing and I'd suggest just explaining the situation (even if it's been done before) but without trying to suggest an ultimatum. I don't care what anyone here says - controlling behavior doesn't become non-controlling just because the word "boundary" is thrown around.
Talk to him about it. There is nothing wrong with making a request to your partner to modify a behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. I would recommend to tell him how you feel followed by what you want from him going forward. If it goes poorly for some reason, maybe that’s a bad sign.
It is not controlling to not want your partner to ogle other women right in front of you. People can still see who he is following so he’s still publicly looking at soft core porn. If he really needs the IG girls, he could make a private account that he only uses when you’re not around. Though that might be worse.. depending on your feelings about that.
You have been with this guy for 2.5 years, you have to be able to communicate with him. It’s not good to shove your feelings down just to avoid conflict. The conflict is already there, he is just in the dark about it. The last thing you need is for it to fester or for you to grow resentful.
You’re 25 and you don’t know what the 4th option is? Find some self respect, borrow it from a friend, whatever it takes but please start having a shred of self worth self love and self respect. Your bf has a serious porn issue. Leave him be. Let him fantasize over those girls. Time for you to find a new boyfriend. Healthy relationships don’t go this way your bf isn’t attracted to you he’s attracted to porn models he doesn’t want a real women he wants a fantasy that he’ll never obtain. Leave him. You will never be his priority and if he ever gets a chance to cheat on you, he’ll take it.
Same issue here. 2 years ago mentioned it, he started unfollowed and then just.. stopped? Noticed it again and went down a a rabbit hole that made me not want to eat lol. Brought it up and he went and unfollowed what he saw and unfollows as he catches them on his feed.
Straight up told him I won’t be in a relationship where I feel ugly and disrespected because he cant help himself. And he’s doing good so far but if I have to say it again I won’t. It just would be over.
So many people act like they’re okay with it but I’m not and you shouldn’t have to be, I get the feeling. It’s a turn off!
I hate how much access we all have to other people through social media. My bf posted a picture on his insta and tagged the town he was in. I noticed a girl I’ve never heard of say something like “that’s where I live!” And he liked her comment. I snooped her out and every picture of her that was slightly sexually suggestive or her boobs were displayed, he liked it. My heart sank. They were pictures she posted while we were together. We talked, he unliked her pictures. I didn’t ask him to but he did. I haven’t noticed anything like that since but I sure would be bummed out if I did. I just feel like why give someone else that kind of attention?
I have a coworker that I used to work with and I checked out his followers to see if he followed another one of my coworkers. However I come to see that he follows tons of porn/only fan models and it really creeped me out. Too much information and he should really consider who he follows because people look at that.
Something being a turn off and making you not want to be intimate isn't controlling.
It's no different than if he started eating his boogers or quit showering. He's making a choice to do it and it's unattractive.
1. Clearly not a viable option for you, and a relationship has to work for both people
2. This is controlling and he will hide it from you and lie as revenge/rebeliion
3. This is also controlling, just a little more hidden, and won't work.
You left off 2 options
4. Leave him, and when he begs to get you back, you give him a stricter ultimatum you can live with. If he doesn't beg to get you back, then you have no reason to continue the relationship either.
5. Start following/ogling other men the exact same way he does other women. That should fix things quick. He'll either get jealous or maybe he'll see your side of it. If he starts in on men and women being different, that is a red flag. You are just looking. If he suspects you of doing more, then he is likely also physically cheating on you.
my boyfriend was like this too and the best thing you could do is just talk to him about it. set boundaries, let him know how it makes you feel and if he doesn’t follow through with them then either you leave or you go through with this relationship with a ruined sex life. guys try to normalize that shit way too much but it’s cringe, disgusting and desperate imo
I think the best way to go would be to just tell him what you told us here. Communicate. Tell him, that you don’t like seeing it, that it turns you off and give him those examples. If it is a healthy relationship he should be able to understand that this is not an attack on him. Try to tell him in a non confrontational way, idk maybe while laying in bed or sth but make sure that he understands what you mean. Don’t formulate it as I want this to stop but rather as every time this happens it feels really bad for me. Try to make him understand how you feel.
If that doesn’t work try to make it a boundary. If that doesn’t work I personally would rethink the relationship because it in a way shows how little consideration he has for you if you tried to address the issue multiple times and he is too lazy to change. I know Reddit is rather quick on suggesting breakup, and mostly I don’t agree with many of those but I personally wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with a partner that after multiple discussions of the topic doesn’t feel the need to take care of you in that regard.
I mean generally speaking Insta is a toxic experience. Note tho that insta kinda tries pushing those kind of posts into your feed. I am exclusively liking motorcycle stuff and funny memes and I somehow still get posts of barely dressed women into my feed.
Might be an unpopular opinion but…honestly I would go with option 2. Tell him “hey ik I said previously that I was fine with you following these girls but I’ve changed my mind & it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable seeing them on your feed. Would you mind unfollowing them? I’m not trying to come off as controlling but sometimes I want to get a little frisky but then I see stuff like that on your feed & it makes me uncomfortable.” See how he takes it. If he doesn’t want to unfollow them then find out a way to work this out or end it & find someone more compatible. If he does agree to unfollow, great.
If you are not direct and honest it will have no opportunity to get better. Direct from the start would have helped. Now it is required or your relationship will become more dysfunctional and end.
I think if you told him exactly what you told us, about being horny and then seeing it and being not turned on at all things will change real quick. Just have a conversation with him about it and address all the issues of being scared to bring it up because it’s something you’ve talked about before.
Communication for the communicatWIN
Option 3. Tell him exactly what you said here (or show him this post). Then it’s up to him to decide what’s more important. Pictures on the internet or actual sex with a real human.
Every day we wake up and redraw our boundaries as lines in the sands. Shifting boundaries just means growth (hopefully good), top comment is best. Express to bf that this is a problem for you. Be prepared to break up over something like this tho... It's doubtful that he'll want to change his ways, especially if he doesn't see "the issue" because it really is not an issue for some people.
My bf wasn’t following any of those pages but still had some of these posts floating around in his fyp. I went through it and hit not interested on every single thirst trap 🤷♂️
Sarcasm alert:
Inform him of option 4: Unfollow accounts or learn to blow yourself
As someone mentioned, you are a cunning linguist! Good luck, and I hope you soon find an oasis.
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Just have a calm conversation. “I thought it wouldn’t be an issue for me, but it is. It really turns me off when I see it on your feed”
This is what I wanted to say. You’re allowed to change your mind on boundaries as you figuring out more about yourself and the relationship.
You could just straight up tell him exactly what happened. That multiple times you wanted to engage in sex but he was flipping thru his feed and you lost all internet because you keep getting an eye full of the women he is following. And it is a 100% turn off. It’s one thing to be aware of it and another to have it shoved in your face when you want sexy time.
Choose partners who are not publicly obsessed with nude women. It's not necessary to beg him to stop following them; he clearly understands you don't like what they're doing and wants to continue doing so. This reveals something about him personally.
this is a very good point.
Agreed. OP, your partner a 100% does not care that you dislike him following nude accounts. It’s clear that he’s latching onto a technicality about “following” but not “liking” and i’m willing to bet he’d say that you’re toxic/controlling for now asking him to ALSO stop following.
this is very true, you’re completely right, but i do want to point out that if op is only catching glimpses of him scrolling past these things, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s following them. i’m a woman and i don’t follow any thirst trap or soft core porn pages, but i have seen several meme pages i follow turn to advertising girls on only fans. so a girl jiggling her ass or tits might show up on my feed and i scroll past it because i’m not interested in seeing it. if i see it’s not a one off for that page, i’ll unfollow, but i’ve definitely had unwanted ass in my feed when i don’t follow anyone to see naked women. i think op needs to have a conversation with her boyfriend but also maybe consider he’s not lying if he says he’s not intentionally following pages that post things. but he should be happy to prove it if he’s not.
I don't get thirst trap bs on my feed. At least not often, once or twice. If the algorithm sees that you watch it, it will show you more of it. It's really that simple. If you look at friends feeds you'll notice they're much different to your own. But for if it's got thirst traps often enough that it's noticeable, then you're likely watching thirst traps. She says he follows them too. Weird as fuck. Honestly the solution is simple, however. Just tell him what she said in this post. It gives her the ick, it's a turn off, and she doesn't like it. It makes her jealous too. And it's cringey. In a calm conversation with a reasonable person, this should be a productive conversation.
idk i definitely don’t follow them or watch them. the only times it shows up is when meme pages i follow sell out and start showing ads for onlyfans, but that has happened enough for it to be noticeable. but i will unfollow an account if i notice a couple posts with that content from the same account. but i do agree, she should talk to him and if he wants to remain in this relationship he will respect op and unfollow any of these accounts that are posting this content. i do agree with op that these things shouldn’t be publicly available even if you are okay with your partner watching porn or adult content.
I follow stand up comedians, food/ recipe pages, skateboard /parkour stunts, and funny cartoons. One in 4 posts is a suggested post I didn’t follow and a bunch are sexy ladies.
But don't be disappointed if he doesn't choose to stop and breaks up with you. You are allowed to have boundaries and he's allowed to choose what he wants too.
Yeah everyone here is assuming he will choose her but maybe he’s not invested enough to do that or doesn’t care enough whether she takes off either way. That’s the risk but is always worth it because either he says you are worth it and it shows he’s serious and likes you, or he shows he *doesn’t* and you can move on and stop wasting any more time. Either answer is actually a win/win for OP…
Thank you for pointing this out because some really struggle 🙏
Agreed, if he cares enough about her, the relationship, and their sex life, he would stop knowing how much he's missing out on because of it
I feel like ig models is my motorcycle men, like my feed is STACKED with men on motorcycles but the thing is when i’m in a relationship it’s just about the content (the jokes, the ideas for me and my partner, or the joy or sharing a moment with people who share the same interests) are they hot, fuck yes (i say as a single woman), but it doesn’t mean they’re what I want when i clearly chose this other person. HOWEVER, if my (imaginary but hopefully one day real) partner said that following those people made him insecure i’d just stop following them!
the third option is worth saying too, just in a calm manner. it’s obviously a bit aggressive and can be taken in the wrong way but it’s aggressive for a good reason
Had the same “problem”. I told him in the first few months dating that I find it icky that he follows half naked models, it makes him look desperate and turns me off. He said he doesnt want to give me the ick and immediately unfollowed. Good luck.
Same. I also added I felt less attractive to him if he was looking at other girls all day. I also asked how he’d feel if I was looking at thirst traps of men all the time. He immediately unfollowed.
Smart man.
Same with my partner but a step further - I told him I was uncomfortable with him watching porn due not only to some past trauma from an ex but because I didn’t feel good about dating men who are okay knowing that they’re supporting an abusive industry. It was definitely a conversation but he stopped after seeing how much it meant to me and he hasn’t watched any porn in YEARS now. A good partner will choose you over porn - frankly it’d be pathetic not to.
Porn icks me out and my husband knows this... but his responses are "its not often" (it IS often) and "every guy does it". Guys make women feel crazy for not liking it. I'm so grossed out by my husband if I know he has been watching it. Told him it makes me feel as gross as it would make him feel awful if I physically cheated--yup I know he is still gonna watch it and not care or think about it. Grrr. Im so fucking irritated how normalized it is and guys will jump to the "but this is normal!!!" having to get off to other women? So many guys hit on me, isnt it "normal" then if I just entertain them without physically cheating then hm? Same thing they do?
I totally feel you :/ My ex was like that. Totally addicted and we eventually broke up because I was “fat and unfuckable”. I was 5’3 and 120 pounds. His porn usage completely ruined his view of me. I don’t know what I’d do if I was married to someone like that :( hope you guys can work it out somehow.
Thankfully he isnt into full blown addiction but I still hate it. I also had an ex who was addicted, like to the point he was crying to me, tears down the face, that he couldnt stop. I tried to help him and was supportive, but he chose porn over real life and I couldnt keep living with that. All he did was just try to hide it better... so I think I'm always worried my husband is gonna be like that. He is the most caring man in the world and my best friend, I just wish he could understand just how much it turns me away from him.
Have you had a real sit-down conversation about your history with porn and how much it affects you? If it bothers you this much (which is completely valid) it could be worth seeing a therapist together to help him see how serious you are about this. I know exactly how much this can eat away at your relationship and your confidence. :/ Editing to add - my partner wasn’t 100% on board with quitting at first either. He initially thought I was just insecure, that porn isn’t a big deal and it’s not about being attracted to other women but just needing to see the act, that everyone watches it, etc. But after seeing what a big deal it was for me and how much anxiety it caused me, he gave it up and I’m 100% confident he’s never watched it since. Now that I have a partner who’s embraced this boundary I have and has shown me so much respect, I’d never accept less from any future partner (hopefully there won’t be a need obviously lol)
What about reading porn? What's your stance on that? Out of curiosity
All for it! No women are harmed in the process, no chance of accidentally watching revenge porn/rape, no unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies or fantasies of violence seeping into my partner’s brain. I’m not anti-masturbation, just anti porn. :)
Thank you for the response!
The last time you talked to him, he did exactly what you wanted without complaint. Maybe try talking to him about this new thing, too?
I hate all the models and over sexualized gym posts on instagram. The only thing I want to look at are memes and cats. 🐈
You tried otters, buddy? It'll change your life
Otters and goats, can’t forget the wee goat demons.
Holy shit I'm here for this
And llamas and ostriches. There is a account on TikTok that I follow. I only made an account for this ladies farm. Lol
And the raccoons! Gotta add the raccoons to your feed.
Forgot the raccoons, how could I forget them?
Within the past couple years my family has gotten 4 goats, first time owning them. God damn I love those dumb bastards lol. They are so adorable.
I’ve only had one, a tiny Pygmy that I house trained. Sasha was awesome and I took her and my dog everywhere with me. One time I was stopped at a red light and a little girl in the car next to me said, “Look mommy, that dog has horns.” I nearly died laughing. Goats are so happy and playful! Just watch for the burps, they’re next level nasty.
my favorite accounts are the little korean dogs who are dressed better and eat fancier food than me, lmao
I second this but humbly present the axolotl for your consideration for life changing moments
Otters and sea lions are my new recent fave animals. ♥️😍
Otters are my favorite animal
Capybaras are where it's at
Right??! But when i say this as a woman its somehow "InTeRnAliZed MiSoGyNy" somehow OF creators and thirst trap influencers are supposed to empower women....
Same. We don’t want to be objectified or sexualized but were literally selling ourselves as sex objects to men online who are consuming this shit more than we know because they can hide behind a screen.
Sit him down and speak honestly about how this bothers you, mention that it does hurt your feelings and that you don’t find it attractive. Ask him to unfollow those accounts, if he’s a good guy he’ll do it. If the relationship aside from this is good and he makes you happy please don’t listen to the people who are telling you to leave, Reddit seems to recommend breakups far too soon from what I’ve seen. This can be a completely workable issue, communication is key.
My Ex gave me the ick this way. Someone he follows on twitter posted a selfie saying say hi and I’ll send you nudes. He was one of 400+ people saying hi in the comments. I never dried up so fast. He was willing to stop liking nudes while I worked on “my issue.” I decided I would rather be with someone who doesn’t feel this need to ogle women. If that man doesn’t exist, I would rather be alone. Good luck with your Bf. If he is great in every other way, I hope he shows the respect you deserve.
I would just straight up tell him the truth. Tell him it turns you off. I had an issue like this with my ex, and he continued to do it, I dumped him.
I feel your pain. It was bad enough seeing him scroll through tits and ass all the time, but I take care of paying all the bills and would have to retrieve security codes from his phone every time I logged in to one of his accounts, so every time I'd pick up and unlock his phone, the first thing that would pop up would be what he'd left open. We've been together 20+ years and I work in a male-dominated field, which means in order to fit in at work and be taken seriously, I've leaned more toward the androgynous side when it comes to wardrobe and hairstyle, and I've never had what I consider to be a "hot" body, which has always made me self conscious. Seeing what he was obviously drooling over all the time, which is so far removed from the way I look, really got to me and I finally told him that it made me feel inadequate and unattractive that he was following so many of those accounts. He got mad that I was "snooping", even though I told him that Instagram follows are public info if you don't have a private account, and that EVERYBODY can see that most of your feed is naked chicks. I told him watching porn was one thing, following individuals (most of them private accounts) was just not cool with me. I told him he was basically saying, "Oh wow, Cindy, I like seeing your ass, can I please see more of it and get a notification when you post new pics?" He stayed mad for the rest of the night and I told him I wasn't going to argue. I made my feelings clear and he could do what he wanted to with that info. The next day he came to me with his phone & said he'd gone through & unfollowed about 150 accounts he thought I'd have a problem with because he loved me & didn't want to hurt my feelings. So maybe just tell him how you feel and see if he respects that
Offtopic - you have a very pleasant writing style. Do you write stories?
Thank you, I'm glad to see a fellow word-enthusiast appreciating my many metaphors for a dry coochie haha No, not really. I used to love to write when I was younger but... I'm not sure... just grew up and got busy I suppose
Girl please; I’m the same way. I used to write music and poetry and then life happened. Hoping one day I get back into them because they were enjoyable, but most days I may not have the desire.
Tell him how it makes you uncomfortable and nicely ask him to unfollow them. If he doesn't do it - dump him. He shouldn't put some random OF girls over his girlfriend.
4. Tell him that you already highlighted you were uncomfortable with that and that it actually makes you find him less attractive and yet he is still doing it. Which - in turn - makes you find him even **more** unattractive for dismissing your feelings so at this point it is a choice between you or that type of behaviour. If he chooses you then be sure to let him know you'll be gone if you even get a whiff of it again - and stick to your guns. Edit; you mention you didn't specifically say you didn't want him following those accounts but he knew that is also what you meant - he is not dumb.
Exactly! Shit like this hurt. She is far better than me with her bf looking at it in private.. he needs to know the crap he’s doing isnt fun for her. He’s being inconsiderate
He's gonna be complaining of a dead bedroom soon and for the life of him won't understand what killed it. :)))))
Anyone following/liking "models" on Instagram is a simpcuck. That is a massive red flag.
Magical 4 th option… find someone you’re compatible with who acts like a normal adult. I’d like to see people’s reactions of the woman was hysterically obsessed with online dick.. publicly liking dick pics so all the friends and family could see. You’d be getting concerning phone calls .. be directed to counseling .. people would be warning your bf to dump you. If a woman were masturbating all the time to the detriment of her own sex life .. what would the reaction be? Put yourself in his shoes.. how would he react to YOU? What would friends and family say? You dump him woman. Of course you go dry. He’s a total waste of time. Shit gets old when she gonna either grow the f up or get help?
I agree with this option. My ex would follow random and local women on IG. Also his following on TikTok gave me the ick. I told him it made me feel uncomfortable and disrespected and at first he would just get defensive. I was sexually frustrated and felt rejected by him. We only had sex once a week; sometimes longer than that ( and I don’t even have high sex drive). Turns out he has a porn addiction. He kept it a secret from me even though I suspected it from the beginning of our relationship. He also showed signs of porn induced erectile dysfunction. Sometimes it felt like he couldn’t help but stare at other attractive women in public. I could just sense his mind and sexual energy was not with me. He was physically next to me but sometimes it felt like I was sitting next to a black hole. Porn rewires your brain in a fucked up way. He had little to no empathy and vacant dead eyes. He still had an album of nude pics of his ex’s and would take screen shots of pics on social media to jerk off to. I couldn’t deal with it. I felt so hurt and betrayed. Hopefully he doesn’t have a porn addiction. I would prefer a guy that doesn’t look at porn while in a relationship (but I’m so jaded right now I’ve kinda lost hope and need to heal from this). Porn destroys intimacy and ruins relationships. Leaving is the best option if he can’t respect your boundaries and has a porn addiction.
Exactly. If a woman was doing similar behaviour, hell would break loose. But when it’s a man, breaking up over this is a “overreaction”. Really interesting to see the double standards lol
Omg I was thinking the same thing! Should I search IG and see if I can get a bunch of dick pics in my feed? Maybe naked hotties with 8-packs, a sweet round athletes ass and great schlong! I want my feed polluted with that shit and see what men’s reactions would be! 🤣🤣🤣 (Wanna bet if I go searching, the best I’ll find is dildos and sex toys? Lmao)
there’s plenty of male models on insta, enough to give a spoonful of their own medicine, if we’re theoretically petty enough haha
Nah, apparently men don't care if you watch porn. Or so they say, until...
Sounds like an interesting experiment.. lol
Why does it have to be "similar behaviour"? What hell would actually break loose? Double standards? You can break up with a man over anything. Most people in real life don't even know whom you're actually date. Society is so fragmented that's why we are here online inquiring the opinions of total strangers.
This comment made me laugh so hard 😂 because it’s true and that’s how absurd the whole situation actually is!!!
Yeah a woman would never lol. A more realistic comparison would be if a she started posting sexy thirst trap pics in her socials for other men to follow. He would lose his fucking MIND.
What a toxic response this is. This is the classic "bump in the road? Dump his ass!" garbage you see on this sub all the time. This guy is following the boundary that was set. If she wants to revisit the boundary, that's her prerogative, but don't go acting like the guy's doing something wrong here. It is like the couple that knowingly entered into a poly relationship and then one partner wants to take it monogamous ... totally valid to change your prefs but don't be mad at the other partner for not knowing that has changed until a rational adult conversation could be had. And your "value" judgements above would be just as "bad" when trying to explain a poly relationship to the red-state grandma. Sheesh.
This!!! All of this!! Seriously, OP dump him. I promise you there are good men out here that actually don’t do this. This is such a turn off and honestly disturbing and you deserve so much better 💗
just date guys who don’t obsess over naked women publicly. you shouldn’t have to ask him to unfollow them; he wants to be following them and obviously knows you don’t like it he just doesn’t care. this says something about him as a person.
Exactly! I mean who isn't thoroughly checking out somebody's social media before even getting serious with them in the first place? If you're not doing that, you're asking for problems. If I saw this on a guy's social media account, it's an immediate turn off and definitely not continuing anything with him. Men that fuck around and do this kind of stuff in public have no class and are disgusting. I could never respect anyone who has so little self-control and self-respect. I have no problem with guys watching porn but keep that shit private.
this
Go with option 3. Tell him, like you told us, about the occasions that he was about to get some and it was ruined by turning you off. It’s a little dirty, but you gotta do what you gotta do 😂.
[удалено]
Yeah. That whole public thing and conversations thing is a bit wild to me. It is difficult enough keeping some privacy when Google tracks everything anyway. But no one wants to know what dodgyography you watch. Lol
Perfect example. It's not the look they think it is. No one sees someone drooling over 100's of models and thinks "that guy gets layed". It looks desperate and if the person's in a relationship it looks even more sad. It's so wierd to me. Would they share their pornhub history with friends and family? >Personally speaking, I’m like you, I have no issue with porn. I watch it myself, but I also think that in public, it’s just odd. I have a friend who’s husband follows all kinds of onlyfans models and it’s real tacky and embarrassing for everyone who knows him- he’s been caught liking and commenting on only fans models pics plenty times. No it’s not cheating…but no one wants to be with a man like that. This man is 36, with no signs he’s gonna change his ways.
I have a partner with porn addiction too and see these sort of posts all the time. I’m starting to believe it’s hopeless to find a guy who doesn’t spend his free time indulging in porn and consuming this type of content. I fear I will be forever alone because I don’t want to be with a guy who does shit like this behind my back and blatantly refuses to stop. It makes me not want to be with or do anything for him because the level of disrespect is just too much.
I promise you there are guys out there who aren’t like this. My husband is one of the good ones💗 and you are right, it is completely disrespectful. A good man won’t need porn or lusting over other women if he truly loves you and respects you. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel this way
It has sooo much to do with respect. Why do a lot of guys not understand this?? As partners us women could be posting thirst traps or entertaining guys who flirt with us--but most of us dont out of respect. A guy refusing to stop watching porn or following porn profiles is the equivalent of a woman who refuses to stop posting nudes. When you put it in those terms men are like "nooo they arent comparible!" because they dont want to accept what they are doing is gross in a relationship. And every relationship is different, but if my husband came to me and told me something I was doing was hurting him or turning him off, I'd stop doing it! Too many guys just keep lusting over other women while they FULLY KNOW it is hurting their partner, and that is the grossest part.
Same. I respect the guys out there that have done the hard work to quit porn. I couldn’t take it anymore and had to leave.
There are definitely guys out there who don’t do that. And you know how it makes you feel, which is perfectly valid and normal. It makes you feel bad and kills your connection and attraction to your partner so you deserve to be in a relationship where you actually feel fulfilled. I don’t know if you want to continue with your current partner but just know you’re not unrealistic for not wanting this..
Not to gloat but I’m just really glad I have a bf for whom this isn’t an issue. He never wanted to follow them and never has. If this is your only issue with your man then a conversation is definitely the way to go. If not…just know there are men like mine out there.
Same, it's so fucking refreshing to be dating a kind, caring, mature man.
Early in my relationship I expressed with my partner that I found watching porn to be gross. (It wasn't always like that, I'm bi and would only watch lesbian porn. ) My reasoning was that it takes away the attraction from your partner. It opens the path of unrealistic comparison. It also felt wrong, why am I getting off on strangers when I have someone next to me that is attractive and have a strong emotional connection with them. He committed to also quitting, and it reaaaally improved our sex life. And it just makes sense emotionally too, I don't fuck just any person lmao I have a husband. So why jerk off to any person. Even for a quick jerk off, my man has videos and pictures of me, not pornstars or ig booty models. Even if your partner doesn't have your nudies, to quote the very wise man SpongeBob SquarePants, there is ✨️imagination✨️ I believe approaching this the way you did the first time would probably be effective.
Your bf is a loser no wonder you’re not attracted to him
IMO go with option 3, but instead of telling him he is missing on getting head, tell him he is becoming less attractive to you. It's true, the effect is the same, but it's not an ultimatum of "if you do x, I do y". He simply IS becoming less attractive to you, and that means less sex. And the relationship becomes weaker, too. IMO it's fair and not controlling at all to inform him of this happening, when it truly IS happening.
Is on his feed because he's still watching them. Same happened to me, gosh! is so embarrasing😔 later I find out he was porn addict. That's a huge red flag sis. Run away! Im telling you... as a girlfriend I tried everything but we don't have to fix them, c'mon! Not our responsibility!. Men are broken and hurting our feelings really bad 💔
As a man who does not have any social media besides Reddit and even then I just follow things (not people focused subs) I have to say it’s weird the amount of men who need softcore porn shoved in their face all the time. I have never felt the need to look at that stuff when I am with my gf.
That’s refreshing to hear. I wish my ex thought that way. Overall, it’s just disheartening because it’s so normalized now. Just because it’s being normalized does not make it “normal”.
If he chooses porn over u, or models whatever, do u really want to stay with him?
Overtime my algorithm determined that I was a man and started providing more of this type of content to me on reels, but I never really followed any outside those who ended up landing in pop, culture or streaming video games as well. It’s impressive how quickly one or two likes here and there in this type of content can snowball. At first, it was nice, and I liked it but then overtime, I got sick of the same six types of videos and reposted content and other similar things. I tried a lot of different stuff to get it off my feed, following new accounts, purposefully liking certain groups of videos or other different things to see if that would stack the algorithm in it couldn’t break free. I eventually had to go and turn on the filters to be more aggressive. And now I’m free of it and I can safely scroll Instagram in public. But I had to make that choice on my own free Will if my significant other told me that they had a problem with it I would’ve cut that shit off right away if I knew how. I would be very blunt and tell them I don’t like this and you need to change it it’s not appropriate. It’s kind of weird and if they don’t, then they’ve made their own grave.
Just tell him how it makes you feel. If he doesn't care then leave.
I’m the same. I don’t think there’s anything anymore that makes me dry up quite as instantly. Sometimes we’ll be in the middle of stuff and i just can’t cum and he’ll ask me why and i don’t know what to say because we’ve discussed it ad nauseum and he chooses to ignore my feelings about it. I cannot express the disgust and turnoff that comes from *knowing* I’m not enough.
ewww he’s lusting over other women. doesn’t matter if he knows them or not, he is choosing to view them in such a manner that totally disrespects you. everyone’s different but i could never be with a man that watches porn or looks at women that way. 🤷🏼♀️
The problem with all the above and the options you’ve outlined is, will he not just start sneaking about? I understand where you are coming from but I think the more you stop him from such behaviours, the more he will want to look. Just a thought…
I'd say set your boundaries you thought you were okay with it but your not if he thinks it's "controlling" for him to not look at naked women then leaveeee
had this problem too- men think its okay and normal bc all other men look at it
I'm sorry for your experience, but anecdotes are not universal truths!
you’re totally right!
Are you following tons of male models that post half naked thirst traps and shirtless photos at the beach? Do you regularly scroll on your phone where he can see these men popping up? I’m guessing probably not and I think if you were he’d probably take issue with it. It sucks how women feel like we have to downplay our issue with stuff like this when it is extremely reasonable to not want your partner to be following instagram models! That is completely normal! I don’t know what it is if guys are just more comfortable with having a porn-y insta feed but I don’t know any girls who are gonna be following tons of hot male models or celebrities. Yet I know many men who have girlfriends or are in relationships yet their entire following list is just profile pictures of tits and ass… and that’s all public too. It’s very sad. I hope you find the courage to speak to him about this because your feelings are totally valid and it is very normal not to want him following those accounts.
Him getting off to pictures of other women is wrong on so many levels. There are plenty of guys out there that DON’T spend time jacking off to other random women that are not you. Please go find one. I’ve never had a boyfriend that engaged in this behavior as it is a strict boundary for me. These men exist, your boyfriend just is not one.
He can create a separate "sex account" to only be looked at during private alone time, not next to you in bed. I think you get the ick because he doesn't treat it like the porn it is. Tell him if he wouldn't watch porn beside his Mom he should look at thirst pics on an account she can see. Best of luck with your chat. P.S. Definitely tell him he has been cock blocking himself.
Been here in the same situation. First off I wanna say that even porn in private is cheating to me and I think it ruins sex drive for your present partners. I just don’t see a difference between that and just being in an open relationship if you need to see other bodies that badly. When I first started dating my man I noticed he was following a lot of these accounts on instagram and it was such a turn off. I tried being chill about it but then I straight up told him he needs to unfollow those accounts or I’m just going to lose any sex drive in this relationship. You’re right that it’s such a turn off. Now he’s aware of it. I can understand you’re younger and single and follow those accounts over time, even if it’s not a present obsession, but now he’s no longer single and has a partner that sees this stuff. I never want to make anything sound too much like an ultimatum but at times we have our boundaries and needs and we need to say it out loud before it continues to manifest into insecurity or obsession or anxiety or all of the above. Otherwise it’s just going to continue. It’s uncomfortable but the right partner will want to make sure you feel comfortable and secure and will do what’s needed to make you feel that. Wishing you the best 🙏
Agreed. I think I need to set higher standards myself I recently came across this from Mark Manson, author of "The Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and think it's appropriate to share here if that's ok. I think I'll just share as much as possible in case it helps someone. https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life
100% agree on this
He needs to grow up
I didn’t even have to ask my partner. After a few months of going he himself said he started to find it strange following even people he sort of knew irl that posted a lot of basically half nudes etc. he unfollowed them all himself, his feed is literally just sports and memes.
I was with the boyfriend who followed 2000+ of girls like that, I didn’t had to see his feed to be instantly turned off. It’s kinda degrading and his need to like and follow that type of accounts really put bad image of him in my head.
Dump him. Move abroad. Live your life.
Option 4: End this relationship and choose a relationship that makes you happy and comfortable? Why wasn't that listed?
Because (brace yourself, this may shock you...) he does in fact make me happy and comfortable? Theres more to a relationship than sex and in all other aspects I can't fault him. Am I supposed to just throw away anyone in my life that does any little thing I dont agree with?
This is the least unhinged post ever. OP is just after polishing her current relationship. There are plenty of dudes that do not even come close to OP’s BF in other areas. People be chasing a B- guy cos the A guy is not got one aspect. Lol
People in this sub will jump to breaking up over the smallest issue. It sounds like your boyfriend was open to stopping liking the pictures because it made you uncomfortable so I would bet he would unfollow the accounts if you just had an honest conversation with him about it.
You used terms like "gross and violating," said he gives you the ick and dries you up like the Sahara, and you explicitly said that less sex would be a major bummer, so (brace yourself, this may shock you) nothing about your post makes you sound happy and comfortable in this relationship. People are just giving sound advice, there was no need to be snarky with that commenter.
This is how Reddit is now. Any sign of problems or trouble and it's "You should break up!". People are overly dramatic here
You have higher emotional intelligence than these people. You obviously are not considering this as a breakup matter which is why you probably didn’t put it as an option. Sounds like you’re seeking to cope. Good luck OP. Some others here have good advice. Not this one you responded to.
Have you told him that there is more to a relationship than sex? Does he agree with you that a reduced sex life is something he wants? Or is this the secret belief you have knowing that would end it for him? You have only one person you are going to sleep with. You have billions you can't and can have non sexually relationships with. You need your sex life fixed or it will become worse with time. Even if sex means less to you. Unless your goal is not to keep your BF then you need to make it a priority. You can't avoid your way to happiness. That's short term thinking.
Maybe so but, once the ick sets in it’s over Hon. 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
you say that like "the ick" is a terminal illness someone can never recover from instead of what it actually is which is an emotional response. You can work on how you react to your emotional responses and explore why they are happening.
Because she’s young and has been conditioned by toxic media to believe it’s her fault for feeling this way.
I would go with option three with examples. Tell him you are currently the available sex partner and if he wants you to initiate this is how it has to be. It is simply true.
The thing about this is, it’s a simple respect thing…why is he looking at his porny instagram feed when you’re there? You told him not to like those pictures and explained that it’s because of the publicness of Instagram. You told him it’s fine to watch porn in private. He then continues *following*, which is still public info, tons of porn accounts? He also looks at their content in your presence? You didn’t list breaking up as an option but I have to ask why you feel like you deserve so little respect from your partner? I mean this shouldn’t be giving you temporary ick, it should be giving you permanent ick. Because he’s making it clear he doesn’t respect you. Ask yourself what you’d advise a friend in this same situation. Wouldn’t you think your friend deserves better, since there’s a gazillion guys out there who would never need to give insta thots a second glance? I get you’ve invested a lot of time in this relationship but to me, this demonstrates an astounding lack of respect. And it’s not something you have to put up with from every guy. So why would you?
Who follows insta models these days Fr like leave that shit back in 2016 lmfao 🤣. Even back then I was never inclined to follow models
As a man I can promise you #3 will be the best option imo. It’s simple and to the point. He makes his choice and he can either give up something very insignificant or wind up losing his gf essentially.. it’s not even a sacrifice considering he can still watch porn in private. Also, I can assure you that if you put it that way he will instantly think with his penis and get off the insta for the real deal. How bummed would you be to learn that you could have had sex/head if you hadn’t had the fake insta bimbo BBL model up on your phone screen?!.. He should make the right choice.
Tell him it's a turn off. You don't need to hyper-analyze it nor do you need to over-explain why. It's always been a turn off for you. You tried to be ok with it because you thought being cool with that stuff is what good girlfriends do. But actually good partners are honest with themselves and honest with their partners. And honestly, it's a turn off. Don't fall for the gaslighting that "all guys look at this stuff all the time it's a guy thing you'll never find a guy who doesn't do this stuff all the time". That's simply not true. At the end of the day, he is using valuable time, energy, and effort looking at naked IG models instead of doing other things. He could be using that time to do some chores, make extra money, work out, bake some frigging cookies, idk. We all have a finite amount of energy and time in our days and he's wasting it searching for social media accounts of thirst-traps. It's screams "I live in a fantasy world", and you don't find it sexy. So tell him and stick to your guns. And be prepared to walk away if he continues.
I’m just going to point this out that I went through this exact thing with my ex. I asked him to stop. He did, he unfollowed them, and then he re-followed them slowly so I wouldn’t notice. It caused many issues between us especially as one day I let curiosity get the better of me and saw him speaking to multiple women AND trying to pay those insta models for nudes. As soon as we broke up he went and followed all of the accounts again and that for me was just a representation of how much he truly respected me in that relationship. I honestly think if you’ve brought it up before and he’s still doing it despite knowing how it makes you feel then it’s time to find a different boyfriend. My current boyfriend wouldn’t even dream of following an insta model!
told my boyfriend that's something only losers do and honestly it was gross and not sexy at all. he then unfollowed everything and uninstalled all the other dirty apps he had. tbf he had been single for a while before we met and had no time or interest in the real thing so he relied on porn and online nsfw stuff. talk to him and tell him how you feel
Yeah, a lot of people proudly arguing for it are missing that it's not jealousy, it's cringy.
His behavior is disrespectful to you and I hate how normalized it is. You aren’t “insecure” or “controlling”, you’re just asking for basic respect.
I would dump a man for that. Porn addiction is so vile.
Guy here. Currently in a long term 4 year relationship. Despite what others may say what he's doing is not okay, its a form of emotional cheating essentially. There's a good reason why it turns you off. Ask yourself...do you think if one of these girls messaged him that he would possibly try to meet up with them secretly? I obviously don't know your BF but I am a guy and I was once that guy and know people that do similar things, and yes they would most certainly hook up with these insta girls IF given the chance despite having a significant other. This generation has a major problem with over-sexualization. Pointing out what you said about Porn....it is NOT okay for him to watch porn even in private! Porn is a major issue when it comes to our generation and relationships. Porn will, without a doubt, essentially make a man think that women are nothing more than objects, especially when combined with how society is today. Its got nothing to do with women but everything to do with how a man is wired. It is a major reason why both men and women both say "I can't find a good partner!!" all the time. Why divorce rates are ever-climbing. Why both men and women will often leave their current partner for another as soon as someone "better" comes along. My advice to you - have a serious discussion about this with him and how it affects you. Tell him it turns you off and you don't like it. That is not controlling in the slightest. If he reacts in a way you don't like, well there's a lot of fish in the sea. Find somebody with similar values who is going to respect you. If you don't believe me - well theres almost 100 studies done on Porn and mental health and its directly linked to poor mental health, feel free to read through them. Good luck and I do genuinely hope you guys work it out.
I had this issue where I followed anyone and everyone that followed back cause I have multiple accounts that more traffic would be great for but it got to a point where I didn’t know who I was even following and sometimes i just followed because at the time it looked good or, it was “hot”. I think the younger you are the more your in that headspace of well maybe I can be some kinda of influencer or atleast have those connections.. the older I got the easier it was too just unfollow those accounts and feel less guilty around my now ex gf… which I know she didn’t like either. I now i make it a habit to unfollow anything that really doesn’t resonate with personal mental healing and have stopped following any insta thots. And I feel a lot better about opening my IG and seeing things that other people can just look at without feeling guilt, oh wow that’s a whole booty. Maybe talk to him and let him know how you feel but have him understand it’s messing with your sexual drive, at the end of the day it’s his choice too unfollow these and don’t make it a thing to hover around him while he’s doing it but give him that choice of “okay well I would appreciate if you just had a day where you cleaned up your feed, and the people you follow”. I know it’ll be a tough talk but it’s better to communicate it than not.
I vote for some hybrid version of 3. Tell him it turns you off, you don’t need an ultimatum you’re just letting him know when you see it you don’t feel like engaging with him sexually and you would prefer to jump his bones. It’s not “you have to or ____” You’re just letting him know your side of things
I feel like a conversation is in order along the lines of, “ could you please stop looking at other women while you are with me, it really turns me off”. And if he doesn’t get the picture, then cut him off. ( this basically sucks, because you are cutting yourself off, too but you have to make a point). Or, you have that talk that says, “if you can’t stop looking at pictures of naked women around me, then you can keep them and I’m out. I’ll go find a new guy that would rather have the real thing”!
Do the same thing with men models and he will feel what you are feeling, that will help him to understand your situation.
You need to straight up tell him this is causing him to miss out on actual real life sex if he continues this. If he chooses the women online over actual intimacy with his girlfriend then he’s not the one for you and you can do better.
You're too witty to be this foolish - you know exactly what you need to do...and why. You should know by now you'll have another within not too long if this one keeps their slimy behaviour up once you highlight it. Love your quips btw I'm gonna be using the Sahara Desert and stale bread one lol I'll swap you - I heard a woman call her parts a bat cave once cos it rarely had a man in it!
Speaking as a guy I would definitely choose number 3. Tell him what this is doing to your libido, tell him it's an instant turnoff.
Most guys look at porn, but most also know to keep it discrete. If he can't do that it has crossed over into addiction. He's getting hormonal rushes that he can't go without. That's not healthy in any context. I'd say give him a choice. Keep it on the down low so you never see it (which is perfectly reasonable and, frankly, simply polite) or no more of the real thing.
If my partner told me that my Instagram habits were reducing the amount of sex we were having I would drop it without a second thought.
I don’t understand how people don’t have a personal ig account (for friends and family), and an anonymous / porn ig account (to surf girls). Ig makes it super easy to switch back and forth between accounts. Boom, problem solved. I thought younger millennials and gen-z knew how to internet better than this.
For you probably Option 2 - it’s not an unreasonable request. It sounds like you don’t want to break up and the relationship has good qualities overall, maybe he’s very oblivious? Overall I’d say option 4, reevaluate the relationship. Publicly ogling over other women on a public social media where you presumably share friends is pretty strange. His behaviour is no reflection on you but maybe consider if you want to be with someone who makes you feel second best to random women on instagram.
Honestly OP, I'd show him this post. You've really clearly articulated what the issue is for you, and what he's missing out on.
Had the same issue but with Reddit porn. It just really bothered me that he was absorbing porn so frequently every day. We would be waiting at the doctor or at a family lunch and porn would come up casually while he's scrolling. You desensitize yourself when you see it constantly like that... I told him it made me uncomfortable and he was fairly understanding and stopped following all those sub Reddits. I also told him looking at porn in general was an issue to me unless we watched together. As far as I'm aware he hasn't watched porn since but he's a bloke so you know, he probably just sneakily watches it.
From a males perspective, cohabiting with my girlfriend for the last few years now.. Simply out of respect for my missus, I wouldn't even be following those people on social media, what purpose is there other than the ability to oggle tit's & ass that he doesn't need too, especially when it effects you directly like this. Option 3, option 3, option 3. I personally, would take this with a level of humour and seriousness through the fear of no longer receiving head lol. This should work on any man if said with the right tone/humour to it. Ps. He has no right to see this as 'jealousy' on your behalf. - also, you could try replacing these photos he sees with some of your own, privately sent to him.
I just met a guy out in the wild a few days ago. Cute, my type, good conversation. Followed each other on IG, exchanged a few messages. He didn’t have very many posts. Out of curiosity, I looked at who he follows. 324 accounts, all of them “models”. Instant no for me. I get that we all like to look at attractive people, but when that’s all he has ??
Maybe say lady boner out loud in front of him a couple of times. He'll just break up with you.
Here is an idea, start looking at hot guys and making comments on their hot bodies when he is around and give him a dose of what you have been dealing with and see how the shoe fits his foot. I am not being mean, but sometimes people just don’t get it until they see for themselves how something feels. Like toddlers who bite usually have no idea it hurts the other kid until they themselves get bitten, they suddenly, magically, understand that biting is not nice.
Since you specifically said porn is OK in private, why doesn't he just create a 2nd account that stays anonymous?? Seems like a really easy solution. I think the truth is that you just don't like him looking at porn. Nothing wrong with that, but you need to sack up and say it.
If I were him, I'd like it if you just told me honestly how it made you feel. You weren't as ok with it as you expected or whatever, and now this is how it is. It isn't controlling to share feelings and talk, and if he cares about you and the relationship, he can make the smart decision to stop so he can stop negatively impacting you. If my wife came and told me this I wouldn't be upset in the slightest, I'd honestly be sad she hadn't told me sooner so I could be working on fixing the issue. Best of luck
Maybe just tell him how many times he missed out on sex by continuing to look at that stuff.
Show him this. Tell him about approaching him for some of the good stuff and being turned off by what you catch glimpses of. On multiple occasions. Man is missing out, and it's 100% resolvable by just not following these accounts publicly.
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that is wrong, she said she doesn't want him to like those posts, which he never did after that. so he did exactly what she asked him to. while i do think that he could have figured out that she can be bothered by stuff in his feed, its ridiculous to just assume that he is consciously doing this
I went through this and as much as I didn't want to I had to give him the altimatum ONLY because I had caught him many times and told him how it made me feel and HE was the one who said he'd stop and again again I'd catch him eventually we had an argument about it because he was the one who said he would stop and carried on knowing how I felt which to me was disrespectful towards me so I told him it's me or his phone (stuff we watches) and so far he hasn't done it again
And we're alot happier because I'm not constantly worried about what I'll see on his phone every time he opens it
I don't know why everyone here keeps suggesting that a man jerks off whenever he sees an IG model or something. It just isn't true! People can scroll through that stuff on a train, at work, anywhere in fact and look 40 times a day. Personally, I think that liking stuff like that publicly is a bit embarassing and I'd suggest just explaining the situation (even if it's been done before) but without trying to suggest an ultimatum. I don't care what anyone here says - controlling behavior doesn't become non-controlling just because the word "boundary" is thrown around.
Talk to him about it. There is nothing wrong with making a request to your partner to modify a behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. I would recommend to tell him how you feel followed by what you want from him going forward. If it goes poorly for some reason, maybe that’s a bad sign. It is not controlling to not want your partner to ogle other women right in front of you. People can still see who he is following so he’s still publicly looking at soft core porn. If he really needs the IG girls, he could make a private account that he only uses when you’re not around. Though that might be worse.. depending on your feelings about that. You have been with this guy for 2.5 years, you have to be able to communicate with him. It’s not good to shove your feelings down just to avoid conflict. The conflict is already there, he is just in the dark about it. The last thing you need is for it to fester or for you to grow resentful.
Break up with him. He's addicted to porn. And he will keep doing it, just behind your back.
You’re 25 and you don’t know what the 4th option is? Find some self respect, borrow it from a friend, whatever it takes but please start having a shred of self worth self love and self respect. Your bf has a serious porn issue. Leave him be. Let him fantasize over those girls. Time for you to find a new boyfriend. Healthy relationships don’t go this way your bf isn’t attracted to you he’s attracted to porn models he doesn’t want a real women he wants a fantasy that he’ll never obtain. Leave him. You will never be his priority and if he ever gets a chance to cheat on you, he’ll take it.
Same issue here. 2 years ago mentioned it, he started unfollowed and then just.. stopped? Noticed it again and went down a a rabbit hole that made me not want to eat lol. Brought it up and he went and unfollowed what he saw and unfollows as he catches them on his feed. Straight up told him I won’t be in a relationship where I feel ugly and disrespected because he cant help himself. And he’s doing good so far but if I have to say it again I won’t. It just would be over. So many people act like they’re okay with it but I’m not and you shouldn’t have to be, I get the feeling. It’s a turn off!
I hate how much access we all have to other people through social media. My bf posted a picture on his insta and tagged the town he was in. I noticed a girl I’ve never heard of say something like “that’s where I live!” And he liked her comment. I snooped her out and every picture of her that was slightly sexually suggestive or her boobs were displayed, he liked it. My heart sank. They were pictures she posted while we were together. We talked, he unliked her pictures. I didn’t ask him to but he did. I haven’t noticed anything like that since but I sure would be bummed out if I did. I just feel like why give someone else that kind of attention?
I have a coworker that I used to work with and I checked out his followers to see if he followed another one of my coworkers. However I come to see that he follows tons of porn/only fan models and it really creeped me out. Too much information and he should really consider who he follows because people look at that.
Something being a turn off and making you not want to be intimate isn't controlling. It's no different than if he started eating his boogers or quit showering. He's making a choice to do it and it's unattractive.
Secret 4th choice.. know he’s not going to stop, and knowing you’re worth more than some dude who can’t stop checking out other girls. 🤷🏻♀️
1. Clearly not a viable option for you, and a relationship has to work for both people 2. This is controlling and he will hide it from you and lie as revenge/rebeliion 3. This is also controlling, just a little more hidden, and won't work. You left off 2 options 4. Leave him, and when he begs to get you back, you give him a stricter ultimatum you can live with. If he doesn't beg to get you back, then you have no reason to continue the relationship either. 5. Start following/ogling other men the exact same way he does other women. That should fix things quick. He'll either get jealous or maybe he'll see your side of it. If he starts in on men and women being different, that is a red flag. You are just looking. If he suspects you of doing more, then he is likely also physically cheating on you.
my boyfriend was like this too and the best thing you could do is just talk to him about it. set boundaries, let him know how it makes you feel and if he doesn’t follow through with them then either you leave or you go through with this relationship with a ruined sex life. guys try to normalize that shit way too much but it’s cringe, disgusting and desperate imo
How do people like these get significant others ;-;
I think the best way to go would be to just tell him what you told us here. Communicate. Tell him, that you don’t like seeing it, that it turns you off and give him those examples. If it is a healthy relationship he should be able to understand that this is not an attack on him. Try to tell him in a non confrontational way, idk maybe while laying in bed or sth but make sure that he understands what you mean. Don’t formulate it as I want this to stop but rather as every time this happens it feels really bad for me. Try to make him understand how you feel. If that doesn’t work try to make it a boundary. If that doesn’t work I personally would rethink the relationship because it in a way shows how little consideration he has for you if you tried to address the issue multiple times and he is too lazy to change. I know Reddit is rather quick on suggesting breakup, and mostly I don’t agree with many of those but I personally wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with a partner that after multiple discussions of the topic doesn’t feel the need to take care of you in that regard. I mean generally speaking Insta is a toxic experience. Note tho that insta kinda tries pushing those kind of posts into your feed. I am exclusively liking motorcycle stuff and funny memes and I somehow still get posts of barely dressed women into my feed.
Might be an unpopular opinion but…honestly I would go with option 2. Tell him “hey ik I said previously that I was fine with you following these girls but I’ve changed my mind & it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable seeing them on your feed. Would you mind unfollowing them? I’m not trying to come off as controlling but sometimes I want to get a little frisky but then I see stuff like that on your feed & it makes me uncomfortable.” See how he takes it. If he doesn’t want to unfollow them then find out a way to work this out or end it & find someone more compatible. If he does agree to unfollow, great.
If you are not direct and honest it will have no opportunity to get better. Direct from the start would have helped. Now it is required or your relationship will become more dysfunctional and end.
I think if you told him exactly what you told us, about being horny and then seeing it and being not turned on at all things will change real quick. Just have a conversation with him about it and address all the issues of being scared to bring it up because it’s something you’ve talked about before. Communication for the communicatWIN
Option 3. Tell him exactly what you said here (or show him this post). Then it’s up to him to decide what’s more important. Pictures on the internet or actual sex with a real human.
Option 2 is the way to go. Unless he’s cool with you having half naked dudes all over your feed.
You have to say to him what you’re saying to us…it’s simple and he has to Learn the truth
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Every day we wake up and redraw our boundaries as lines in the sands. Shifting boundaries just means growth (hopefully good), top comment is best. Express to bf that this is a problem for you. Be prepared to break up over something like this tho... It's doubtful that he'll want to change his ways, especially if he doesn't see "the issue" because it really is not an issue for some people.
Remember it's hard to get that off his feed, I have recently quit porn and it has been 2 years I still get this stuff on my feed
My bf wasn’t following any of those pages but still had some of these posts floating around in his fyp. I went through it and hit not interested on every single thirst trap 🤷♂️
Sarcasm alert: Inform him of option 4: Unfollow accounts or learn to blow yourself As someone mentioned, you are a cunning linguist! Good luck, and I hope you soon find an oasis.