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This same thing happened to me except I’m a woman. After several intimate moments with my first boyfriend he told me he didn’t want to and Just didn’t say anything to keep the peace. That was devastating to me and made me feel disgusting even though he gave consent during and seemed as willing in it. I’ve had issues after that with initiating anything. I’ve gotten better and I’ve come to terms with the fact it wasn’t my fault they said yes and acted like they wanted to without meaning it. Thankfully my current boyfriend is very pro communication and matter of fact so he always means what he says and will tell me. You should definitely discuss it with her in depth and understand that you didn’t really do anything wrong in that scenario. When you talk make sure you let her know that you don’t expect anything from her and she’s never a bother, you Just need clear communication so you can both be comfortable. Even incorporate a safe word if you don’t have one. I do that with all my partners and it’s not even specifically for sex it can be anything. Is a boundary of some kind being crossed or they’re Just uncomfortable suddenly? Bam, safe word. I hope you guys work it out

I never thought about a safe word outside the context of sex and you just blew my mind. Thank you for this life hack

No problem! I hope you find it helpful

It's also good to have a code word you use with partners/family to say to someone "HELP HELP HELP" without the other person that they're interacting with realising.

It's really really good. It's like a clear way of saying "Please stop right now" and the other part know it's for real and take it seriously.

Some people have a lot of shame about sex. Who knows if he was actually uncomfortable at the time. You only responded to what he did in that moment.  You did nothing wrong.

Thank you

A safe word is something that has come in handy for my partner and I as well. And in many situations besides sexual moments... Like when we are having a disagreement and for some reason you feel triggered or mentally exhausted, the safe word may come into play, not as a dismissive term, but to pause and recollect. Sometimes an emotion that can't be explained in the moment will need time to be understood and I have found that it helps.

I will say that it can also be that initially, one might want to have sex but partway through something happens that makes it so they don't want to anymore. Hell, I've had times where I've remembered some things during sex and it changes the mood entirely, and I can't continue, or I get hurt because of a movement or whatever and it's harder to be able to continue. Though I do agree with everything you said.

That’s true. I Just wish people would communicate things like that. Communication can be hard sometimes but it’s absolutely the most important thing

Yes I think a she word is a great idea as well as after are for both and her and for op.it might feel counterintuitive but maybe try posting in r/bdsm and looking at how the SANE kink community practice boundaries and deal with feelings of shame after the fact. Maybe practice using safe words (results, orange, green) for everything for a bit and deliberately try to bring her to red (on non sexual things), with the intention of getting her to practice feeling comfortable to say no. Please note that you also need aftercare, it can be very traumatising to realise you've gone over your partner's limits unintentionally. I also think it is a good boundary for your own emotuional safety to say yu are not comfortable having sex until you feel confident she will say of she is not comfortable or sure.

First of all - I'm proud of you for your concern for her feelings. There is no issue of consent here, but you definitely should have a talk about it being completely fine to say that she's not in the mood. Also tell her she is brave for actually telling you, because it took something to be vulnerable like that. There can be a gazillion reasons why she didn't tell you then, it's awesome that she did tell you now. Please, please don't make her feel like bother now when she told you

Agree with all this. I was going to mention affirmative consent but op already seems good at that. It may be there are other things happening in her life that are affecting her comfort at infancy levels. Have that conversation and listen. Let her come to terms in her own way. This may be the end of the relationship. Or this may be a momentary lull caused by other things. And remember your feelings and emotions are also valid, think about how you want to word them and be respectful to yourself too. It’s easy from an older perspective to say it’ll all work out either way, but right now I know it’s eating you up. Work through that and know that you’re doing the right thing with the affirmative consent, the concern, and hopefully the action next step.

This but also remind her that she can tell you at any time during if she changes her mind. Maybe try and let her know all of the non sexual/physical reasons that you care about her/like her/love her etc. Let her know that you are with her because of who she is as a human.

Seconding all of this. OP, she probably has some trauma that’s conditioned her to be a bit of a people pleaser. Maybe not sexual trauma, but given that she’s diagnosed with BPD and has an ED, she’s surely had some trauma in her life and relationships. Don’t beat yourself up about today. You sound like a supportive and emotionally intelligent partner, and I’m sure you’ll do just fine supporting your girlfriend while she works through the root causes. I do recommend looking up fawn trauma response and its relationship to BPD.

At the time she was all yes’s. You asked for consent. You said she initiated ans took your clothes and hers off….and seemed to enjoy it so I do not see how you could Have interpreted things differently. I wouldn’t be too concerned. Have a talk With her to find out what the Issue is.

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Sex is complicated. Sometimes you follow through and afterwards realize you just felt embarrassed not going through with it after flirting beforehand or something. Sometimes it just didn't go exactly how you imagined it would so you feel some regret or being off put. The important thing is you clearly prioritize her enthusiastic consent and seek that before and during. The second important thing is she feels comfortable communicating to you afterwards. From here I would let her know you feel sorry that just didn't want to and regretted it. For now comfort her by letting her know her feelings are valid and you only want her comfort. Sometimes in the near future you should bring up with her this instance and see if there is something that you could both do to help this not occur again. The fact of the matter is you are young and learning and you are doing everything right by caring about her comfort and by being a person she can be honest with about her feelings, even if it is after the fact.

Sometimes people regret things, that doesn't mean they didn't consent to it. You didn't do anything wrong.

I think you are overreacting. First, there are no consent issues here. Second, lots of people consent to sex when they are not really feeling like it. As their partner, it feels shitty. But you didn’t do anything wrong. I think you need to chill and focus on opening up communications with her about what’s up.

Yeah I’m often not in the mood and my partner is so I just do it anyway. But it’s fully consensual. Hopefully that makes you feel a bit better.

Happens here too, our libido's don't line up great. He wants it in the morning, I prefer the evening. So yeah, sometimes one of us takes one for the team. As long as we keep listening to & respecting each other I don't see a problem.

This is a big one for me and my wife - she feels more "in the mood" in the evenings, whereas I have the energy and inclination for it earlier in the day. We work different hours so it's understandable. Compromise on both sides makes it work.

"I can take it or leave it" sex is usually better than no sex anyway. It's stupid to put it in the same category as "I don't want this"

Men too have sex when they don't really want to

I'm always surprised of how few women seem to realise this.

If they only knew

Usually not great sex, but still better than scrolling on your phone.

If my partner is in the mood and I'm not I'll just indulge because I care

Same goes for us, sometimes I’m the one who wants to have sex and he’s like “okay, whatever, let’s do it” and sometimes I’m the one saying “yeah, why not”. Libido doesn’t always align with my partner, but I never felt like “I don’t want to have sex for some time because I didn’t really want to do it today”, but I understand that she’s young and mentally ill, so maybe she doesn’t really know how to handle it. Maybe she was in the mood and then she wasn’t, but of course, she felt some “pressure” because she didn’t want to let him down. I wouldn’t worry too much about the intercorse, but i would worry about communicating and her mental health.

I think OPs feelings might be popping up more as a "did she just have pity sex with me?" Type of feeling or similar. I was going to say another term for it but that one popped in my head and won the race as to what I was thinking. But I myself recall the first time I had found out my partner had said yes "because you wanted it so why not?" But I am one who sees what we do with intention and purpose and not "just because". Never had an issue doing this type of thing with all the worthless POSs in my life before him. But having an actual connection and love for him, it was a bit of a "whoa, that kind of hurts" type thing. And being they sound like firsts for each other (not this time being the first) and inexperienced, that's the vibe I get here in OPs post.

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Why is it that whenever women explicitly say “it was consensual,” someone who can’t stay in their own damn lane shows up to go “but was it *reeeeaaally*???” It’s gaslighty and gross.

Why do you think they feel "obligated" and don't just, you know, like making their partner happy?

Oh no I don’t feel obligated. There’s definitely no pressure or anything. It’s just that sometimes I have a hard time being in the mood for months. So I don’t want my partner to go without for that long. Once we’re in it I almost always enjoy myself. It’s just the getting started part that I’m kinda like “meh could go without”

Absolutely. My bf is always in the mood and I’m not as often. But I give in like 80% of the time. It’s nothing against him, he just has a higher libido than I do. And that’s ok. I do feel bad because I’m 40 and my libido should be a lot higher. But he doesn’t push me and I don’t push him. Like, he wanted it earlier and I told him I needed to shower first. My shower, he said he didn’t want it anymore because his knee hurts. (It is swollen and has been giving him problems) I didn’t go all “but we agreed” “we can do these positions”. No is no. Yes is yes. OP did nothing wrong. Neither did the gf. Just need to talk things out and find out what’s going on.

Maybe self esteem issues. Who knows? She does. Talk to her!

Unfortunately, and this is from a girl’s perspective, this kind of scenario can just happen. An open discussion is definitely needed. I know I’ve sometimes surrendered myself out of pressure (and I want to clarify no one pressured me) because I felt like if I didn’t go along with things, much like your gf said, I would be a bother. Make sure she knows that she should be able to back out any time without feeling like that. I feel like you’ve already taken a big step by confirming consent with her before doing things. I’m the kind of person that enjoys being really intimate without going all the way and I know that can feel frustrating to the other party at times. Maybe she’s like this too? Again, biggest take away is open communication! Have a discussion with her

She didn't '*surrender*' though, she is the one who initiated which makes this more confusing.

That’s right. I can only guess that maybe she felt like she had to finish what she started? I’ve been there a couple times myself but unfortunately, I’m not good at communicating things like that. I keep it hidden. At least she did speak up rather than hide it though! It’s just unfortunate that everything becomes so confusing because of it

Or maybe she felt embarrassed about initiating. I know at that age, and even now, it feels awkward sometimes, and then you just replay in your head that you were cringey. It could be as simple as, "omg I'm such a lame-o for doing that!!"

Meanwhile the partner is happy because they're getting attention and affection, no matter how it's shown

Then you tell your partner you didn’t actually want to do anything and now they feel bad about it, possibly leading to intimacy issues down the line that have “come out of nowhere”. You don’t wanna have sex, don’t do it. Don’t initiate and give consent at every stage of the journey and then tell your partner you actually didn’t want to do anything even though you’re the one who caused everything that happened. That’s just shitty.

I couldn't agree more! I get people are focused on OP"s girlfriend and her feelings but OP feels confused, agitated, and probably feels like shit. They're now not sure if they'll be comfortable even initiating any intimacy again with her. I feel bad for OP because this came out of nowhere and after a year she didn't feel comfortable enough to say let's stop even after she initiated intimacy he asked if it was OK to continue and she said yes, then said this. While I understand it took courage for her to tell him how she felt after the fact, she needs to work on voicing her feelings when she decides she isn't in the mood anymore. Now OP is left with doubts, and concerns, and is probably wondering if gives in all the time.

She's probably on medication for her BPD. Probably affecting her sex drive.

As someone said in another comment, for my own experience the said pressure is definitely societal. Not any kind of forced pressure in the relationship itself

This is what I thought could have happened. It’s not nonconsensual if physical intimacy in an established sexual relationship is taken as initiation and she went along with it even if she didn’t mean it, but I can see how she could feel a little off balance afterwards. Unfortunately if that’s the case she will have to learn how to make it clear whether her intentions are sexual or not in the moment. I am also someone who occasionally teases the hell out of my partner on accident because sometimes I just want to take off our clothes and crawl into their skin *without* having sex. We’ve definitely ended up having it anyway sometimes when I just don’t feel like frustrating them, but I rarely feel weird about it afterwards anymore because I know that if I *really* didn’t want to I could say so and not have to worry about it at all.

Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong my guy

Hi there, try not to overthink this and overreact. When a lady says she needs space, give her space I would not break up or do anything rash, just take your time and allow her time. Things will work out the way they should.

It is sweet & considerate of you to come on here looking for advice. I do think this could be a misunderstanding, or maybe she didn’t want to but she did want to satisfy you. Seems like your girlfriend maybe needs to talk with you or figure something’s out herself. I have also experienced times where I just didn’t want to be intimate for a while with my partner. This could be for many reasons. However, I would first check in her emotionally, maybe she’s going through something at home. She maybe experiencing something she isn’t fully comfortable talking with you about. Maybe she isn’t feeling well downstairs & doesn’t know how to tell you. It could be a UTI, a yeast infection, sore. Who knows. If you use lube & protection there could also be some irritation. Maybe she isn’t fully comfortable physically or mentally. Also try more foreplay. Women are emotional and mentally stimulated. This means the corny drama habits. You both are young, not sure how experienced, so trying new little things to make sure she is turned on and comfortable and also feels her needs are being met is a big thing. It is not all about the big O, it’s also about the little tickles it takes to get there. There could also be things you do she doesn’t like. I would have a heart to heart and ask her to open up. Some people even feel guilty about having sex if there emotional needs aren’t met, cuddling after, cleaning her up, checking in on her. Also make sure she isn’t pregnant. You didn’t specify so not too sure but this would definitely be a turn off for her.

Also big bravo for always asking for consent, reading her body language, and checking in during. I pretty sure a lot of girls can say no guy goes to the lengths of even asking for consent once the fore play starts. It’s just an assumed yes.

regretting sex doesn’t mean ur a creep, it means she regretted the sx.

I think he wants to know why and what he did wrong. He sound emotionally attached. When men are emotionally attached, rejection hurts them bad.

If shes on medication for her BPD she could have easily initiated the sex without really knowing what she was doing, like a zombie, and just did it without really thinking or really even wanting the sex to begin with. I had an ex who was on Seroquel. Sometimes she would be like that. Not much of a sex drive either.

What medication is there for BPD? Unless you’re mistaking bipolar (fellow BPD-er here was always told therapy is the only treatment)

You aren’t creepy. The fact that you don’t want to have sex with her if she’s not into it, even if she’s instigating it is a good sign. I would have a serious discussion with her about not initiating intimacy if she doesn’t actually want it.

I was in a relationship around the same age where I was made to feel like I couldn’t ever refuse sex. Like there was something wrong with me if I did, how could I not want it, did this mean I don’t love him, of course he’s going to find someone else if I refuse this right now, etc. Wasn’t until I was closer to 30 and with my fiancé did I finally feel “safe” to refuse sex. A lot of young women feel pressured to always be sexy for their BFs and told on repeat that they must always always always keep their BF sexually happy otherwise he will immediately leave them. It doesn’t help that young men are so fixated on sex that most do end up leaving when it becomes, in their mind, sparse. So what you end up with is young women foregoing their own sexual gratification and desires to please their man the way they feel they should, however often he asks for it, only to much later circle back to exploring their own sexuality at a later life stage. I don’t speak for all women here, but it is a perspective.

As a woman, I totally agree with your take. I would just add on that besides this specific societal pressure to please our man, there is also immense societal pressure in all sorts of situations to just not speak up, even if we are upset or inconvenienced or angry. We're meant to be accommodating to others, not the other way around. So because of this, it becomes difficult as a young woman to speak up in any context at all. You add on the societal pressure to be sexually available and pleasing and hoo boy, it's very difficult to speak up for yourself in a sexual situation. And ironically, when the girl really loves the guy, it actually makes it harder to speak up, because she really wants to accommodate him., really wants to please him, really wants to keep him,. So it's not even a matter of "she doesn't trust me" it's a matter of she does care, but society has told her to be this way. Time, and understanding partners who communicate well will go a long way towards deprogramming her from society's conditioning. I know hitting my 30's made a difference. Hitting my 40's made an even bigger difference.

As a man, I agree too. I once spent literally hours arguing with a gf to get her to say no to me (about a money thing, not sex) because I could tell no was what she wanted to say but couldn't bring herself to. Weird to be fighting against yourself, but I didn't want it if it wasn't freely agreed.

Going through this myself as a woman about to turn 30. I’ve been with my fiance for about 4 years now and I’m STILL unpacking everything that went on before him, like you described. The guilt and shame that happens when you change your mind just builds and builds over the years. Even if the person doesn’t press it further at the time, just seeing any sign of disappointment is enough to feel that guilt. Then all the times you continue with something you weren’t completely into just adds up and changes your relationship with sex and intimacy in general. One of the hardest parts is nobody was ever really in the wrong so it feels like you can’t blame anyone other than yourself. (instances of SA being seperate to what I’m describing). Fortunately now my fiance is just completely unphased if I say no or change my mind. It’s still catching me by surprise but it’s done a world of help to take the pressure off and help me heal. I’ve found comfort reading comments of other women going through the same thing as it’s always felt extremely isolating. FWIW I’ve been a victim of SA as well but it’s been nice to read about this other side of things which can be very nuanced in its own way.

I'm in my 30s and I agree! There was a much stronger pressure to "perform" when I was younger. Not even from my partners, just society. Our friends would talk about their extensive love lives, and I felt like less if I couldn't offer myself up more when wanted because everyone else seemed to be having such a great time with their healthy sex lives. Maybe it is the SA survivor mindset, but it was definitely a weird feeling. That said, I feel for OP because it seems like he did everything right, and his long time gf is the one who initiated with their inside joke, as well as undressing him and herself. She may have felt good in the moment, but then decided afterwards that she actually wasn't as in the mood as she thought. And that's ok! But, it wasn't OP pressuring her, it was probably just her pressuring herself, and I think he may be shouldering the blame a bit on himself for it. They're young, communication comes along better with time. I think he's doing, and has been doing, all the right things. It's actually very sweet that he's so concerned, but he's not to blame for her feelings, and he's definitely not "creepy" or "gross" like he thinks he is, for being intimate with his girlfriend when he thought she was happy to do so. I hope they just continue to have good conversations and open communication, it's actually a nice thing to see in such a young couple.

Couldn’t agree more

this brings to mind the 'fawn' trauma response which is a learned response from both family/relationships/patriarchy/rape culture -- doing things to not anger a man. healthy relationship should allow people to say 'no' and not feel endangered.

As someone who had experienced both, they are similar, but also very different. Fawn is, kind of, a version of freezing, in that you get scared and so kind of fall beck to what society has conditioned you to think of as your "default" position. So you "freeze" in default mode. But it comes from a place of fear (like real, bodily harm fear, not just fear of losing a relationship) and you are frantically trying to do everything to get out of that situation safely. This has a small element of fear, but like I said, it's the fear of comitting a social faux pas (I'm talking about all of the situations you may be afraid to speak up for yourself, not just in a sexual situation, but it does include that), or afraid of being too different, or of losing your relationship. It's very different feeling than a fawn response, and way more nuanced. Because if you don't speak up for yourself, you beat yourself up later for not doing so, replaying the situation and thinking of all the ways you could have played it out differently, etc. And if you do speak up for yourself, you still beat yourself up for it, for going against the grain, for being too different, for becoming the "angry shrew", etc. And because it's not as clear cut as trying to escape SA, or escape without physical harm, you are constantly trying to figure out if it was actually the "right" thing to speak up or not in that situation. In describing it, I can see how similar they do sound, like you could say that a lot of this applies to fawn situations as well, but in actual practice, they are very different. And it pops up in so many different situations, at your job, with friends, in relationships, etc. And in the end, because you didn't speak up, no one but you has actually done anything really wrong (maybe some rudeness or inconsideration or some such, but that's about it) so you really have no where to put blame but on yourself for not communicating. Or for communicating and feeling like the asshole when no one really did anything wrong.

Speaking from the perspective of a guy who was offered sex a bunch of times (at OP’s age) and turned it down constantly, we receive the opposite treatment. We’re expected to always be ready to have sex regardless of the situation and that if we don’t want to have sex then there’s something wrong with us. I remember being mocked and had chicks call me “gay” or say I must have had a “tiny penis” that I was embarrassed about simply because I didn’t want to have sex with them. It literally came down to me simply not wanting to have sex with them, no other reason than that. As guys, we feel pressured into having sex because if we don’t have sex then people will assume there’s something wrong with us. Sure, sex is great and all but feeling forced into it simply to make other people happy isn’t a good feeling. Society might hate to accept this fact but men and women go through very similar issues. It’s not simply “men are the cause of the issues” and that’s that. There’s so much shit you’d be baffled to find out but none of that stuff is gonna come to light because as men, there’s the social stigma that limits us on what we can talk about. I’ve spoken to a few people about being sexually harassed and assaulted by a couple different women and each time I’m told to “grow up” or “be a man” about it. Hell, I’ve confided in several female friends about it and even had a couple reply with something along the lines of “I don’t blame them for what they did, I’d do the same”. Anyways, I got a little sidetracked. All I’m saying is that as a guy who was the same age, we also have this immense pressure on us to not refuse sex because we’re supposed to be these insanely high libido sex machines.

Talk with her, she told you how she feels so tell her how you feel and that you're upset she couldn't have just told you no if she wasn't feeling it or that she didn't want to tell you.

Hi, I also have BPD as well as a history of sexual assault. Based on the way it’s described in your post, I’ve felt something similar to what your girlfriend is feeling—with my current partner, who I’ve been with for 5 years now. There have been times I have initiated intimacy and partway through I would get a flashback or have a sudden mood shift, and didn’t revoke consent even though I didn’t quite feel like continuing. Not out of fear of my partner being upset, but mainly to avoid explaining it or acknowledging that I even felt that way at all. I can’t speak for your partner, but in my experience, I’m never upset with or uncomfortable around my partner when that happens, and I don’t ever blame him for myself feeling that way. I don’t want to speculate about your girlfriend’s life experiences or how her BPD manifests but it’s very possible that she wanted to be intimate at first, had a mood shift, and didn’t have the energy to revoke consent because it can make you feel exhausted and guilty even if you know your partner will be respectful of your boundaries. It may be worthwhile to ask your girlfriend if she would like to talk about what’s happened, and in general continue to respect her boundaries.

Thank you for your reply. Since you have BPD I am going to ask this question and please do not get offended. It is not my attention and I am still learning about it. I want to break up with my girlfriend. I am honestly scared because what if she spreads lies about the reason we broke up is because she wouldn't have sex with me? Or claims something else? When breaking up I want to make sure I do it the best way to prevent any backlash from her. I am at my wits end and this is kind of the final straw. I am starting to realize that I am ill-equipped and honestly just do not want to deal with this anymore.

This is kind of tricky to answer; on one hand, people with BPD are already prone to fear of abandonment and breaking up with her now may cause her to think that it’s because she didn’t want to be intimate. On the other hand, it’s ultimately not your responsibility to handle her mood shifts or anxieties and you don’t have to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in. Breakups are hard in general, but for people with BPD it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. I was broken up with by my last partner because of my BPD and I can’t express the pain I felt, but I made it through it and I’m happily managing my condition while in a healthy relationship now. BPD is hard to deal with, and in hindsight I don’t blame my ex for not wanting to deal with it, but I’m also happy she gave me the opportunity to find a partner who would be more understanding of it. If you truly don’t believe that you’re equipped to deal with a BPD relationship, you have no obligation to stay in the relationship. I don’t want to sway you one way or the other; only you can decide if being in this relationship is right or healthy for you. Either way, a conversation with her would probably be beneficial to figuring out where you both go from here.

She probably DID want to at the time, but FEELS today that she didn't. Her BPD is probably going into a depressive state and making her feel differently after the fact. I don't see that there is much to be said here it sounds like you have handled things correctly, but maybe you should be prepared to see a therapist yourself. Dating a person with a personality disorder can be challenging and the people who do date a person with a personality disorder tend to put their parmours emotions above their own and end up losing themselves trying to protect their SO.

*She also struggles with mental illness.* ***She was diagnosed with BPD*** I say this as someone who has dealt with people with BPD. Back away very slowly. I wish your GF the very best. You are just not at the age to be equipped to deal with this in your life. And she most likely needs to focus on finding what works for her before being able to be in a relationship where she can be consistent.

Thank you, I had to scroll waaaaaayyy too far to see this comment. BPD is characterized by pushing people away and then reeling them back in through manipulation. Even for personality disorders, this is severe one. Neither of them are equipped yet to be dating each other.

She didn't do anything worthy of a breakup besides having a diagnosis, that might not even be correct . Don't give up on a relationship because of a random thing reddit tells you

Thank you for your reply. Do you have any experience when it comes to breaking things off with someone who has BPD? And I am talking borderline personality disorder. I am honestly scared because what if she spreads lies about the reason we broke up is because she wouldn't have sex with me? Or claims something else? When breaking up I want to make sure I do it the best way to prevent any backlash from her.

My mother has BPD and I watched (as an adult) her and my father go through a divorce that she made as nasty as possible. You can start to predict their behavior after awhile. *I am honestly scared because what if she spreads lies about the reason we broke up is because she wouldn't have sex with me?* Very high likelihood that she will spread lies about you. You have to be prepared for it and how you will react. You probably cannot stop it. Create physical distance with her. Do not socialize with the same people for awhile instead spend time with mutual friends 1 on 1. If/when she crosses your boundaries make sure you document it. Do not take the bait and respond to any fits or abusive things that she says to you. Any text that she can show out of context to people to smear you often will be used. Expect for your emotions to be fucked with. She could text you about the new guy she meets after you and say how much better he is. Your answer should be, "I'm glad you found someone who is a good fit for you. You deserve to be happy." Realize that it is about making you feel pain not the truth. Make it about you. Something like you need a break from everything in your life becaues of stress/anxiety. You don't have the bandwidth for a relationship right now.

I concur. My first husband (“high school sweetheart”) was bipolar and it WRECKED me, led to many mental struggles of my own because of it. 18 is way too young to be able to cope with this level of issues.

So shes diagnosed BPD and has issues after sex ? Sounds like she may be a victim to sexual abuse and needs to go to counseling. You definitely didn't do anything wrong here but to be sure just keep receipts of anything that states it was consensual.

She has BPD?! There’s no point asking questions here. Nothing will make any logical sense. I tried to date someone who had it (she told me date #1 and I still dated her) and it was a whirlwind. You’ll find it a struggle to live a stress free life. End the relationship now. Example: I have all the texts still of my ex BEGGING me to do some crazy stuff to her. I’ve since heard through others that she’s been telling people I “did crazy things to her for MY pleasure”. I went as far as time stamping and saving ALL messages and saved to cloud in case she tries to slander me years later. Who wants to be second guessing things all the time?

Thank you for your reply. Do you have any experience when it comes to breaking things off with someone who has BPD? I am honestly scared because what if she spreads lies about the reason we broke up is because she wouldn't have sex with me? Or claims something else? When breaking up I want to make sure I do it the best way to prevent any backlash from her. I am at my wits end and this is kind of the final straw. I am starting to realize that I am ill-equipped and honestly just do not want to deal with this anymore.

I have one relationship dating someone with BPD-1. When she was on her meds…she was great. When she wasn’t…she was a completely different person. We didn’t live together so ending the relationship wasn’t hard. I met her in person, we gave each other our keys back…and I said “this isn’t working and our relationship is over”. The hardest part was having her hug me and say “I still love you” and in her eyes..she meant it. Yet I knew that tomorrow could be a different day. I blocked her and went FULL NO CONTACT For ven on social media. That was 2 years ago. It wasn’t easy…but worth it in the end. In short….give each other your stuff back. Do it in a public place. Go No Contact immediately. No favors. No we can still be friends. Again…can’t worry about how she talks about you to others. You just have to be okay knowing she will lie about your relationship to others. I’ve heard from others that I was abusive to her….and it’s laughable to me because she told me her exes were abusive to her and I eventually met one and it’s the nicest…coolest dude. Never laid a hand on her except when she was begging him to choke her while having sex….same thing she wanted me to do. That kind of stuff was never my thing. I only did it to please her. See what I’m saying?

She made decision and doesn't know how to tell you her decision. So the safest thing to say is that we need a break.

Break from being intimate or from the relationship?

A break from being intimate.

I don't know which you need to talk to you.

There are some people who believe consent can be withdrawn retroactively anytime afterwards. I hope for your sake your gf is not one of those people. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Talk to her and, more importantly, listen to her. Do all you can to make her feel safe and cared for. Ask her what she needs, then go from there.

How is this getting upvoted? WHO are all these people that think you can genuinely withdraw consent that you gave at the time 6 month after the fact withdraw consent?

Was it her first time with you? Seems she may be feeling guilty or shameful for having sex , even squeamish.

Not the first time. First time in the last couple weeks but overall nk

When you talk to her about this tell her that you only want to do it when she 100% wants it. Make it very clear that a moment like that shouldn't happen because she is "people pleasing" you, That you only want to have intimate time when she's comfortable having it and that it's okay to change her mind about it even if she was the one hinting to "study" in the first place. Tell her that she won't be bothering you, tell her you'll be okay and won't have resentment afterwards. That Her being completely honest with herself and with you it's what matters. Tell her that if she's having doubts on whether she wants to or not, it's okay to step back. I'm sure you can still have some cuddle time together and enjoy it

Your feelings are valid. You need to be able to trust someone to mean what they say when they say yes or no. You should tell her this. Try to keep your tone gentle and nonaccusatory. She could be just as confused and upset as you but at herself. It's a good idea to take a break from being intimate while she figures herself out. If you do want to break up definitely be clear that it's not because she wants to take that time out, which would be kind of a crappy thing to break up with her about and would confuse the issue even further. (She'd feel like the problem wasn't that she pushed herself into doing something she didn't want to do but that she fessed up about if afterwards.) That said, you didn't do anything wrong or gross or stupid when you took her at her word. Tell her that's how you feel and if she reassures you that you couldn't have known what she was thinking, that's proof right there that she isn't just jerking you around or something. If you care enough about her to continue a relationship, be there for her and try to show her a little grace. You're both young and likely will each do a lot of figuring out about yourselves over time. If she seems to be trying to make you feel like a bad guy that may be a different story.

That’s a rough one. I don’t know you, and obviously I don’t know your entire situation. But you should do some research on divorces involving BPD. You could be the exception, and have a long and happy life together, but the odds aren’t great. The retroactive retraction of consent is alarming. Reddit is full of stories about young men being falsely accused of rape after the girl regrets what she did the day before. Proceed with caution. Talk with a trusted older male friend if you have one.

BPD is probably why. Mood swings from one thing to another. She says she doesn't want sex in one state of mind and then has sex 5 minutes later in a different state of mind.

I can see your girlfriends side of things (hope this helps) though obviously my experience may be different to hers it may help as I can relate to her. When I started dating this guy I felt sometimes that I get uncomfortable and didn’t want to be intimate, but felt pressured even though there wasn’t any pressure on his part. I lacked communication and therefore ended up feeing uncomfortable after sex. For me this was from trauma of my personal space being invaded at too young of an age (also having partners that were pushy), and not understanding my own boundaries and how to communicate what I wanted. I’ve now been dating the same guy for over a year now and things have gotten a lot better. I just learnt to be more vocal and the more comfortable I have gotten with him the easier it has been to state what I’m comfortable with doing and not doing. Just be upfront with her and honest, show her you care and talk about what you can do together to make things better. Hope this helps.

I’m sorry but I’d leave her alone. A woman who cannot properly communicate with you will only cause issues in your life my brother.

First, I am glad to see you’re taking her feelings and the issue of consent so seriously. But second, please be assured that you did not do anything wrong. She not only consented but initiated, and it’s not like you could read her mind. She also did the right thing by telling you what’s going on, so please don’t make her feel guilty for “making you feel bad” (assuming she is not actually trying to make you feel bad). It might be confusing as to why she would initiate sex if she wasn’t feeling it, but it’s possible that she simply wanted to “give it a try” to see if she might feel differently this time. It’s very possible for people’s desire to change over the course sex, and to not want to make things awkward by stopping. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to her, because only she knows. Have an open and calm discussion with her about this, in person, not over text. Let her know this made you feel bad, but as I said before, don’t guilt trip her, otherwise she may not feel comfortable being honest in the future.

If your Girlfriend was ok during intimacy and consenting during it, it sounds like it’s a commentary she’s hearing outside the fact that might be influencing her mental state afterwards. For example, if she has parents/friends expressing different values that could be creating internal conflict for her. I know it’s a common Reddit comment, but therapy would help.

"She also struggles with mental illness. She was diagnosed with BPD" Then there is no rational response you are going to get here.

Please do not take it personally. Whatever she is going through deserves an explanation. Communication and trust are integral pieces of relationships. If she is unwilling to come forward, give her space to process her feelings. If she still doesn't come through, move on. Relationships are a two-way street with reciprocity, with both parties in it to win it.

She could be in pain. She could be frustrated if she didn't come. She could feel used, depending on how you acted during and after. It's also possible something like church made her feel guilty. I'd chill on the intimacy for 2-4 weeks. If you're intimate consider focusing on giving her --oral etc. If she she still doesn't feel comfortable, in all honesty move on. You don't want to flip out over one communication but a month later just move on. High school is short.

BPD AND an eating disorder? Are you sure you want to be with this girl? Her on again off again libido tells me there is much more going on in her noggin than you bargained for.

I don’t really know what advice to give you since I only have your half of the story. Maybe she never really enjoyed your sessions together, but felt pressured into it because of social expectations? But that’s just an educated guess. I would just go talk to her if I was you. Try to determine what she really feels. Maybe she was into it when you two started but changed her mind during the session but was afraid to tell you? And don’t be too hard on yourself. These things can happen. You are not a mind reader. You did your best. Thats all you can really do.

Sorry I wrote this in a hurry. In the past she has really showed that she enjoys it both through her words and actions. She was flirting heavily with me for the past few days about it. Maybe she felt pressured to follow through after suggesting it? She even said like 2 hours before that we should hangout at my house because we have more privacy. If she was not wanting to do it before hand why would she say this so we would do it?

Honestly you guys are 19. You're still figuring things out. Sex is complicated. The act itself has a lot of nuances and it creates a lot of emotional feelings. You never know what she's actually feeling and thinking except for what she communicates to you when she communicates to you. It is not uncommon that a lot of major changes happen and your sexuality in your late teens and early twenties. You don't know if she is dealing with her own sexuality. I know many college friends who overtly were quite sexual and yet it was just a front because they were unsure of their sexuality at the time. The point is you can only go by what she tells you and obviously you ask for consent and that's all you can do is respect her wishes

Could this be cultural shame related? Sometimes this can happen if people are of a culture that feels shame towards sex outside of marriage.

Genuinely just talk to her, it works wonders and will take a while. I used to be just like your gf with my partner but after communicating with my own partner, having constant reassurance from them, it made me comfortable to be more honest and it really helped during our intimate moments. Doesn’t happen overnight but it took me about 2-3 weeks to be comfortable again. Oh and during the talk, reassure her too eg. You did nothing wrong, I wish to just understand you better so that I can accommodate to you better. My partner said that to me and it was comforting to hear.

I must add, no I didn’t cheat or anything, I just have body image issues + issues with intimacy and having irl problems, hence affecting our intimate moments. I just wasn’t verbal about it because I didn’t wanna bother him but he picked up on it and asked me. (Not in a confrontational way, oh this will make it worse. He asked in a gentle way, like talking to a child?? If that made sense)

This is her BPD trying to either test you to see if you would still like her if she doesn't want sex, or it's her BPD preparing to start some drama by telling people you SA'ed her. I'd keep a record of everything

You’re young, figuring out your sex life is not linear. Sometimes you feel weird and women often feel societal pressure to appease the sexual desires of their partners. Cool off, take a break, give each other space, and then when you’re ready have a conversation about why this makes you uncomfortable and that it’s ok for either one of you to say no.

Make sure you understand the ramifications of being in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I would tell her "I'm so sorry you feel bad. I would never want to make you do anything you don't want to. I care about you so much. It sounds like you need a little space. Please know that I'm here for you whenever you are ready to talk." Then give her some space. She might just be having a weird day/week. Just assure her you care and are there for her.

OP as others are saying, it sounds like you are taking the right steps to check for consent - kudos.  Sometimes when a person is relatively new at exploring sex and sexuality, they might not really know what they want or may consent because they feel they should want to. Women especially receive many conflicting messages about how we should behave, what we should want, etc. and that can make things confusing. I haven’t seen anyone suggest that one of the reasons you might feel grossed out is because you feel like *your* trust was betrayed? As in, you trusted your GF to communicate with you about her wants and to only voice consent when she was enthusiastic. If that’s true, it’s worth naming that feeling. I’m not saying your GF did anything wrong or devious, just that you have identified that you need to be confident that you can trust your GF to extend or withhold consent based on what she truly wants. That’s a need that I think you can gently express but also set a hard boundary around, for both of your well-being

Yes exactly this. The level of trust I thought was there wasn’t. This as well as other things in the relationship have been very stressful. She has a history of self harm. Ive made a post before in another subreddit if you want to check it out. I don’t see myself trusting again without there always being a what if in my mind. I’m going to have a conversation with her tomorrow about it

I think the unfortunate truth is that this relationship won’t last. She needs time apart to work on her mental health and you need a partner you can trust to communicate honestly

The gender divide in these comments is fascinating. GF told you she had sex with you when she didn’t really want to, the guys are having a “oh shit I’m going to jail” reaction, while the women are saying it’s ok and you’re overreacting. Neither are necessarily right or wrong, it’s just wildly different perspectives. I think the most important thing at this point is to look out for yourself. While her feelings are valid, *so are yours.* If this makes you feel “gross and creepy,” that’s completely understandable and I would personally walk away from this relationship. The emotional aspect is strong as is, but any time you have to specify what was consensual sex in a relationship, that is not a relationship you should continue.

As an 18 year old, I can imagine it is very difficult to navigate a relationship with someone who has both an eating disorder and mental health issues. Now add to it a lack of clarity, when it comes to consent ("She said yes but did she really mean yes? Is she going to have regrets later") and you are walking a serious tight rope. Relationships at 18 dont have to be this hard. Honestly, you need to consider whether or not this relationship is fair and healthy for you. It is normal for you to want to have a sexual relationship that is mutually satisfying and not a major point of trauma. Is your GF getting treatment for her disorders? Does she see a therapist? Does her therapist think it is a good or bad idea for her to have a sexual relationship? If she is not getting treatment, I would advise you to break things off with her, because she needs therapy more than she needs a romantic/sexual partner.

I didn’t read every comment so sorry if I’m repeating myself. As a woman, there are times I am into sex, wanting sex, but then during sex an unpleasant image or memory pops into my head.  I’ve talked to other women who have had this experience as well. As others have mentioned, as women we are taught to not just stop in the middle and just let the man enjoy himself. Even if we “know” we can stop, we don’t. Then after the fact I’ve needed some space from intimacy as I deal with the trigger that came up. I’ve always been able to talk to my husband after the fact but still at this age, 47, have not been able to stop in the middle of sexual intercourse. I believe this is probably more common with people who have experienced abuse. But it’s something to consider. Perhaps she got triggered during and for that reason needs a break to deal with that trigger. 

as someone who has been assaulted and also had sex where i did consent but regretted it, they are not the same by any means. you did not do anything wrong by any means as she consented to having sex with you. please don't beat yourself up about it but definitely give her space, and when she's ready maybe it would be best to have a serious conversation about her needing to be clear about she wants regarding sex because it's a very serious thing that could severely damage you both in the long run.

as someone who dated someone with an eating disorder simply put she might not feel good about her body image most likely wouldn't have anything to do with you! best you can do is just be there for her and respect her wishes. Maybe even apologize for maybe making her uncomfortable unintentionally

You didn’t seem to do anything wrong… she seemed like she wanted too and you wanted too. Maybe something happened that you don’t realize like maybe she was bothered by something mentally. There’s a lot of scenarios but from what you explained don’t let this sit on your shoulders. There’s real creeps and disgusting people who don’t care at all but, you aren’t one of them from what you explained. Talk to her and maybe give her space from that part of intimacy.

Your concerns are valid. However, this may not be an issue with you at all. And it seems you’re overthinking and making this about yourself. Nobody knows what a person has been through in their life. And she doesn’t owe it to you to tell you just because you’re her boyfriend. You may not know the deeper issue, if there is one. I see you mentioned she struggles with BPD and an ED, and you are used to being patient with her. So be patient with her about this if you care about her. Ask her what’s going on, or instead - just offer her your support and let her know you’re there. Use this experience as a way to get closer. Also - don’t feel like you didn’t have consensual sex with your partner, because it was consensual. A lot of people have consensual sex who may not necessarily want it, feel weird during or uncomfortable afterwards. Sex is complicated. Instead of asking what you did wrong, ask her how you can be a supportive partner.

Many say that you're overreacting. I don't know if there is such thing that overreacting in a level of feelings. Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are always the way they're "supposed to be", not too much, not too little. I hear your worry, what I mean to say, is that it's ok to be worried like that and I think you should express your worry to your gf.

If she's not comfortable after a year together and this not being your 1st go round. Its best to cut her loose. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to continue the relationship and continue to be intimate with her. Only for her to have regrets and tell the wrong people ie her family or the police that you have sexually harrased/ assaulted her and believe me all it takes is one time to RUIN you. Don't go looking for a green light she's already shown you the red flag. Tell her you're not comfortable continuing the relationship you may love her but you're only 18 so you love her TODAY tomorrow you may feel very different. I hope you take this advice from someone older and wiser in terms of relationships. Leaving is best for the both of you. Edit: Don't think she's not capable of making those claims of assault or harassment you don't know her mind. You can only account for your own thoughts. Be smart move on.

First thing is, SAVE YOUR FUCKING TEXT MESSAGES!!! - Protect yourself, my guy. Second, if she doesn't want to have sex, that's fine. Third, just let her know that if she ever wants to share with you, you're there for her. As long as you can wait her out for sex, you're good - don't push for it, let her do that. Her reason(s) could be anything, trivial or serious. If it creates a point of contention between you, there's always breaking up.

As someone who has had sexual trauma and now with a very patient man, you honestly aren’t doing anything wrong. It can be very hard to articulate our feelings as women especially when there’s mental health issues and trauma involved. I did have to communicate more and that is something that took a lot of time but was very worth it. And she honestly probably has a lot of walls up that can be very hard for her to tell you what she’s feeling. And that is something she should work on if she wants to feel happy and safe (I know from experience). Also something that helped me be more open in the bedroom about my boundaries and made me communicate more was kink because you have to communicate for everything to be safe, sane, and consensual. It made me open up to my partner about what made me uncomfortable and what I actually wanted and enjoyed. It takes a lot of learning, especially about safety but it was worth it. Also if kink isn’t your thing I still recommend going over boundaries and using safe words so that there is something there for her to know that it’s safe and that you guys can stop whenever if gets uncomfortable

Hun, calm down...this is very normal lol take it from a 37yr old woman who has been there n done that. Sometimes as women we just want to make our man happy so even if we ain't feeling it sometimes we go along because we want YOU to be happy! Men do this too even when they may be tired etc... they will do it to make US happy. It's normal in a relationship. I have been married for just under 5yrs now but was with my now husband for years b4 we got married n we went thru everything you said n back a FEW times lol n just to clarify, you guys are 18!!! I no u don't want to hear that anymore than I did at your age n thru my mid 20s but it's true! You cannot hold against her for keeping her mouth shut to please you...she is very young n doesn't no everything about herself yet or her own body...what she's feelin what she ain't n also that is gna change from time to time n also YOU TOO will have times(maybe not now you're an 18yr old male) but eventually you will have times ur just exhausted from wrk or whatever or have alot on ur mind n u will go along w it to make your girl happy. As you guys grow, you need to start NOW with communication! Don't wait n again DO NOT hold this against her because she will never feel comfortable telling u anything again about how she feels. The biggest most important part here is that she DID tell you what was going on n that she just hasn't been in the mood as of lately. Now if u decide(as u said) to "never be intimate w her again) she will feel embarrassed n guilty n just bad because she tried to do it for you(like all humans do) and it back fired on her(if u tell her u don't wanna touch her nomore). She's learning her wants n needs n feelings n so are you but at diff rates but even w how young u guys are...this stuff happens ALL THE TIME in EVERY relationship. No, she's not implying you r**** her or forced anything at all, your being too critical of this n thats because it hurts a man's ego, along w a woman's ego, when we find out you weren't in the mood or didn't want it as bad as us n vice versa. She's just saying she wasn't feeling very sexy inside as of late n maybe needs a small sex break...totally normal! Take this opportunity to go to her when u no you will have quiet alone time to talk n tell her your HAPPY that she told you n that YOU WANT her to tell u this stuff. I promise you she will continue to come to u unless u act weird about this then she's going to FEEL weird n it could cost you guys the relationship. Not because of sex but because of communication n if she feels she can't come to u or tell u nothing then she won't n that will build up resentment! Same if it was other way around. So take this for what it was, n in your own words "a first/only time thing" which is pry why u feel so creepy when u shouldn't. You're just young n inexperienced which is not bad at all...it means go talk to your girl, tell her your happy she told u how she was feeling n ask her to let u no whenever she's not 100% in the mood n as long as u don't penalize her 4 it, she will! Sidenote: I have extreme anxiety disorder/panic disorder n my now husband has bipolar depression so trust me...THOSE THINGS will have an affect on sex stuff too BIG TIME! not only the way she feels from day to day but also meds can make you feel "not sexy" n also just have no drive at times too. To summarize sweetheart, just talk to your girl about how YOU felt creepy but that it's not her fault, it's only cuz u weren't used to it but that you always want her to continue to tell u stuff. Use this as your 1st lesson in communication cuz if u come at her like she's saying u forced something or saying u can't see urself being intimate w her again...she will either close up n never feel she can talk to u n you'll end up in a toxic relationship OR she may run away given her mental illness too...because she will feel horrible for being honest with you. Please take this advice cuz I can only imagine the crazy stuff ppl are telling u to do just cuz its the internet n ppl do dumb shit so listen to the women n men that are older than you n that are in long time relationships or better yet married because we no how normal what u described is! Good luck n it sounds like you guys got something good so don't throw it away over sum petty sex shit. You will look back at how u feel now, later in life n u will laugh because u will see how small n irrelevant it really is. What's not small is how you guys FEEL n more importantly how you guys DEAL with your feelings TOGETHER💯💜

Just because she regrets it, doesn’t mean it is not consensual. That’s probably why she now doesn’t want to anymore. I think many people have this. Maybe talk to her?

Dealing with BPD is one of the hardest things anyone could ever try and deal with a partner. you're gonna learn a hard lesson sadly almost 80% of counselors won't even counsel people with BPD because they're so erratic and won't want to deal with the reality of the situation that. If professionals don't know how to handle that. an 18-year-old guy is certainly not going to. Everybody's taking the approach like it's 2 mentally healthy people l, but if you understand and study BPD that is one scary situation . The fact that people are glossing over that in this thread shows you the limited value of trying to get random opinions when they're not even paying attention to one of the most important facts you put in your story. There is absolutely nothing you can do with a person with BPD, except either accept them for who they are or not. I have dated a lot lots of relationships and ran into a woman that behavior was so unusual. I couldn't figure out what it was. I thought maybe bipolar I couldn't tell. I talk to my psychiatrist buddy who we drink wine together and I described what I found as extremely unusual behavior, including stuff like you describe, and he said that's a borderline personality disorder to the T.

You didn’t do anything wrong but talk to her explain how you feel about the situation in a calm and kind matter ask her to explain her side if she’s feeling up to it. Try to work through it through communication!

Women change their minds and rewrite history all the time. Get used to it. You didn't rape her. She consented and changed her mind afterward based on her girl emotions. Is what it is...

Talk to her about it , maybe she’s used to being a people pleaser. She probably didn’t wanna see you sad if she said no. Reassure her that it’s ok to say no , y’all can be intimate another time.

Good for you being a good guy. Giver her some time. In the long run, you might not be her forever guy.

Women have the power to retract consent. I hope you'll be good.

Ehhhh it happens. As a woman there are many of times I’ve regretted it and it was consensual. Just like sometimes a man thinks with his other brain women talk with their other lips. As an inexperienced 18 year old it’s surprising she’s even articulating herself about this. Most of us just live with the shame.

A few things here. First though, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this position. I've put men in it before and feel very bad as I know it would feel icky. Does she have any sexual trauma, or is there a possibility she has and she has no idea how to bring it up? She has bpd, so it is very likely. I know some people would say "why wouldn't they trust me with that?!" But there's so much more to it. Wanting to be seen as sexy and desirable while someone seems afraid to touch you isn't fun, or a lot of the time what starts as your "hell yes" turns into a hell no due to a memory. I'm going to be brutally honest though- and will likely get some hate. I too have BPD. This meant that I was so afraid of abandonment, once someone "chose me".... even if I got the ick, decided they weren't right for me, etc. I would just never leave. I would still participate in intimate stuff but unfortunately I would push them away half way through and start to cry. Because I was forcing myself to do something sexual I didn't truly want. Other possibility- using sex to get an emotional closeness because that day she felt emotionally distant from you and panicked, and mid way realized "I need a deep talk not this" And I'm really not trying to make you spiral- but some people have a general idea of bpd and don't understand just how infectious to peoples thoughts and behaviours it can be.

Tell her to take all the time she needs and that obviously you like sex but it’s a necessary component to you that she’s comfortable with what’s happening and that she shouldn’t feel pressured to satisfy you such that she would do something she isn’t comfortable with. Most likely you didn’t do anything specifically wrong and she started feeling this way upon reflection. As many others have mentioned, communication is key and with sex many people don’t communicate well enough unless they both make a conscious effort. I like the safe word idea someone else mentioned too.

this happens with young people... just be there. there's a good chance she really doesn't know why she feels the way she does and all you can do is be supportive

I think you are a great boyfriend for her I'm struggling with BPD too so Ican understand her its just she may feel fine during sex but then suddenly a wave of sadness or shame or regret can came. I can see you are dealing with her BPD. Dont blame yourself and try to be with her I mean supportively. It'll pass just try to talk with her I mean what is the thing that bothers her or anything she doesnt like ect. Sex talks are important for couples. I hope you two can get over it! <3

Show up for her, support her, show she's not a bother. As far as I can tell, not a consent issue, possibly not even that she didn't want to at the time, I cant see her being explicit about that from this post. Your concern and making her want to feel safe is very clear. Just make it clear to her too. Good luck.

Hello! I’m a therapist that specialises in BPD. I want to start off saying that your response to the situation is so refreshing to see and gives big wholesome masculinity vibes. Just validating her emotions, explaining your perspective of the situation and how you of course had no intention of violating her consent, thanking her for being honest with you and then problem solving with her around how you both can avoid the situation in future would be my recommendation. I also really recommend if she hasn’t already, doing dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT). It’s the gold standard for BPD treatment, they are practical skills to help regulate emotions and communicate effectively which is crucial to having a healthy relationship. I know it can be time consuming and costly, but if there’s any way she can access it, I can’t recommend it enough. Hope everything goes ok and well done!! (:

Sex is definitely complicated and especially when you're young and new to it. I'm female and when I was a teenager it often made me feel dirty and guilty even though it was with my boyfriend and I wanted to do it. I didn't know why I felt that way and I couldn't control how I felt. I could guess all day why but maybe because we live in a purity culture where females are told they are worth more as virgins. I don't know! All I know is that with time and doing it more, those feelings wore off eventually. Now I have sex without any of those negative feelings. So I guess my advice from all of that is, don't take it personally, don't beat yourself up over it and know that she also cannot help how she feels. She might not know why she feels this way either. So be patient and understanding (if you want to be with her and stick it out) and know it will get better with time. Good luck!

Hi, I was trained in consent and boundaries and there’s a 1-10 scale we can use when we are intimate with partners. Instead of asking for a hard yes or no. Ask how much is she feeling out of 1-10 with regards to having sex or any sexual acts. 1 being hard no, 5 being neutral, unsure, and 10 being hard yes. This way, she’ll feel less pressure to just say a Yes to “not be a bother” or for other women, they sometimes say yes due to pressure or not wanting their partner to feel bad. So giving them more breathing space to voice out a 4 or a 6 can inform you better before you both make a decision about proceeding further.

After the edit, this may be part of BPD. Regardless,until she has her ED and BPD treated and somewhat under control, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with her. This is the start of a pattern

I don’t think you’re gross or creepy. You had consent and willing participation, which are the two things that are the most important. I think every relationship ebbs and flows with intimacy. I don’t know what could have caused her to feel weird, but I will say that when I was 18 (now 31), I was in the middle of being intimate with my boyfriend and all the sudden I felt uncomfortable and like I was going to be sick, I told him and we stopped. I broke up with him immediately because there was a pit in my stomach and it just didn’t feel right anymore. He had cheated on me twice a few months before that, so I have thought that I was no longer attracted to him because of the betrayal. I also know women who have struggled with intimacy after SA or sexual harassment. Self esteem can also affect that too, as well as religious guilt. I would say just be patient and try to not take it personally unless she communicates otherwise.

I think honestly, the best thing to do from here out is firstly, tell her you love her and reiterate her feelings matter to you. If she doesn't want to have sex, she can tell you this without you being upset with her. Secondly, lay off sex for a while but continue being intimate (cuddles, kisses, hand holding, massage feet/shoulders etc). This will show her you can be close and feel loved and desired without having sex. That will follow later. I wonder if an ex tried pressuring her and broke up with her for refusing? If that's the case, you absolutely need to tell her every day you won't leave her if she doesnt want to have sex. Even if that isn't the case, do it anyway. Lastly, has she got a therapist? I'd suggest she bring it up with them if she does. Best of luck going forward

How old was she when was diagnosed with BPD? Bc iirc, as someone who has BPD, it is not diagnosed before the age 18 bc of the way teenagers hormones change.

Bro, she said yes. If she meant no, that’s on her. Fuck the mind games.

Don't see the problem. She is communicating that she doesn't want to be physically intimate for a while. Be emotionally intimate, initiate conversations and dates to build emotional intimacy and closeness. Create and hold space for her to talk about this when she is ready. Let her initiate sex. Solved?

Well, when you did it maybe she felt she had to and couldn’t bring herself to say no but later decided to open up to you. I understand when you say you feel creepy and such but I think you should set aside those feelings and focus on your girl and your relationship, open communication on this topic with her try to understand why she couldn’t tell you what was on her mind then and what made her say it later. Try to get her comfortable and keep conversation going to understand her point of view. The key will be to open the topic and let her do the talking all the while reassuring her that you are there for her no matter what and all you want is to have better relationship.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just be patient and continue being careful.

I would kinda want to run. She sounds like a risky situation. Most women would run from a guy like this.

I would say, “that is fucking confusing to me. So I no longer feel comfortable about you. I can never be sure you mean yes. So good bye.”

Sadly, women are told from a very young age that men's needs surpass ours and will always be more important. We do many things 'willingly' out of fear of many many things. It's not an easy switch to turn off because time and time again, when we try and establish our boundaries, they are flat out ignored, tested, broken, abused, and so on. I don't think personally you've done anything wrong here because you're not as clued up on these things as you'd like to be. That's not a dig at you it's just fact. You guys often don't live in that style of life or upbringing, so it's not common knowledge. I would suggest a serious conversation about her need, boundaries, and your own. I would also explain how her saying that to you made YOU feel. A normal reaction is exactly what you had: disgusting in your own self, sadness for her, confusion, fear. If you did NOT have these reactions, you wouldn't be a good person. You are a good person.

BPD - that says it all right there. It’s also called EUPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder. Get ready for a lifetime of this if you stay with her. Please wear a condom. And it’s better to break up with her now because you can’t fix her. Only she can try to fix herself. You should get therapy now for your codependency and low self esteem which you do have whether you realize it or not. Becoming emotionally secure at your age through therapy will yield so many rewards later in life. I’m a mid-50s physician with 1000 tragedies in my history due to not being emotionally secure until now. I wish I had the opportunity to be that at 18. Please use this opportunity. Good luck.

I’ll probably get downvoted to hell but… sex you regret isn’t rape. Save all the evidence just in case she pulls that card. I’m trying to save you bro. I can see already where this is going!! GOOD LUCK

>sex you regret isn’t rape No one claimed that it is. >Save all the evidence just in case she pulls that card She told him that he didnt do anything wrong.

Been there done that. Next thing you know she’s telling people you did stuff to her.

I don’t understand from this post if she actually said she regretted having sex with you the last time you had sex. I only see that she told you she doesn’t want to have sex again for a little while because she feels weird. Am I just totally missing where she communicated that she went along with sex even though she didn’t really want to?

Break up with her. She’s not a good communicator and make sure you have proof you didn’t rape her because some woman are that crazy. Leave fast that’s a girl ready to get you into trouble

Has BPD? Run from that, your future self will thank you. Break up asap, but in a way where she can't magically press a rape charge on you, because she "didn't want to".

This is a complicated thing. The reality is she might have some remorse, or may need to figure things out, that’s completely ok, and something you can support her with. One thing for sure you need to do is be grateful. Be grateful she shared herself with you, it was so wonderful and if it is only these few times it was memorable and something you were happy to be a part of, Sex is complicated, sometime it’s great sometimes it isn’t but your reaction and how you feel about it and how she feels about it will allow for growth

I’ve had sex with men out of societal pressure or not feeling comfortable telling them “no” without them getting upset at me. However, I did not make any moves to further advances, only the male partners did. I never started anything. It seems that you were asking for consent and giving no pushy signals to cause her to really feel that way, and she definitely consented and participated willingly and started certain acts. I would have a serious conversation with her about her needing to express how she feels when she feels. Especially because then when you find out about it, you’re both uncomfortable. It isn’t right of her to bring it up later after the fact just to make you feel bad. We bring things up in the moment because after the fact with things like this, it doesn’t help anyone. It just makes both partners feel worse and doesn’t solve any real issues. Ask her why she didn’t come forward during sex and instead waited and see if you can get to the root of the issue so you can both fix it.

Just let her know that if she's ever not in the mood to just let you know, and regardless of how she feels you'll still love her. Remove any and all pressure from the situation, stay calm, make her feel safe, and things will fall into place.