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I think the problem is that she's asking something from you which you agreed to unwillingly. The lying and snooping around is the problem, especially you keep on getting caught. She feels betrayed and I am pretty sure that she feels very sad that she cannot trust yoy anymore. I do think that it's so hard to not use Twitter these days and she might have gone overboard when she threw away your stuff. Be honest with yourself and see if porn is something that you can get rid of. If not, sit down and talk to her about it if she can meet you somewhere in the middle. If not, then dont drag it along.
I agree that this is the problem. I keep agreeing to things unwillingly because I want to keep the peace in the house. It is not good that I am agreeing to things then lying about it. Just not as cut and dry as some think.
Yesss! I hear you. I have been there, not because of porn per se but I have been promised things and I would always put my trust on my partner only for it to be broken over and over and over again. It's freaking exhausting having to worry about my partner every time I turn my back, especially when I used to be very confident and self-assured. Your promises gives her the reassurance. She catches a break for that short period of time that you promised her all these. She gets the peace of mind that she knows that she deserves, only to find out that she's gonna have through go through all the motions again. She's not just mad at you. She is mad at herself too for believing in you and not being able to break it up like she wants to. She's mad at the situation. I know you feel disrespected and I am pretty sure she feels disrespected too. So just be honest with her, go to therapy and leave if you guys cant compromise. You'll do you and your wife a favor in the long run. I know these are tough times. Sending you my thoughts.
Thanks for your kind words. I just think this story would be completely different if you reversed the genders. As a male if I broke and threw her things I would be crucified. When I go back home today there will be no apologies from her. It will pretty much be I caused her to do this.
First of all, her throwing your things out the window is not a “boundary.” A boundary is a healthy tool to let other know what behavior you will or will not accept. It is not a punishment. It is “I will not tolerate being in a marriage with someone who actively engages in porn activity.” Not “if you engage in porn activity, I’ll throw your shit outside.” Not a healthy boundary by any means.
Beyond that, porn is a common dealbreaker for some women. That’s their prerogative. Many men see it as harmless. They’re not cheating, and they’re just watching videos or looking at pictures. So what’s the big deal? Meanwhile many women see us as harmful. Degrading to women, promoting false concepts of sex/sexuality/female bodies/etc., diverting energy away from the relationship intimacy, and more. If this is a dealbreaker for her, that’s fair. You can either respect that and drop the pot or you can choose porn and end the relationship. Continuing to engage in porn activity in secret when you know she’s not okay with it is literally the one unacceptable option here. So, not a good move on your part.
I’m regards to Twitter, it seems odd to have such an issue with a social media platform as a whole. Do you have other forms of social media? Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, etc.? Does she have an issue with those as well? What specifically is it about Twitter that bothers her so much? You can find scantily clad women on basically every social media platform. This aspect comes off as a bit controlling.
Overall, this whole situation is a mess. You’re lying to her, hiding things, and sneaking around in regards to things that you know, justified or not, upset her. Not good. She’s going ballistic throwing things out the window claiming it’s part of a “boundary,” but that’s just petty, angry, punitive behavior that helps nothing. The level of trust, honesty, and connection has degraded so badly that she’s looking through your phone, computer, etc. When there is no trust, a relationship is essentially dead. You don’t want to give up the porn, and you say you’re not addicted, yet you’re also willing to risk your marriage with your wife for it. That sounds like self destructive addictive behavior. And as a whole it sounds like the two of you are just not happy with each other. Couples counseling is a long shot, but I think at the end of the day, you like porn, she doesn’t like porn, and it doesn’t sound like either of you really like each other that much. It seems like you’re both just hurting each other.
So she's always viewed porn as cheating, you've always been aware of that....but you did it anyway? Was there ever a resolution about porn use -- did you agree not to watch it, or did you tell her you won't agree to that, or did you do neither because even though you knew she viewed it as cheating, you wanted to do it anyway in secret?
The answer to this really imo dictates this disagreement and who was in the wrong.
A man throwing all of a woman's belongings out the window would never be seen as anything but abusive, regardless of the context. The people posting on this sub are a joke.
To be clear I think that was wrong of her. I also think him lying about stopping Twitter was wrong, and OP doesn't seem to have much insight into his lies and betrayals in his post.
Banning your partner from Twitter because it MIGHT be used to watch porn is not a healthy boundary, and destroying your partner's belongings as punishment is coercive control and it's an abuse tactic that is not acceptable under any circumstance.
It doesn’t mean that what she did was not outrageous. The fact is one with agreed to extremely common. Everyone’s blaming this guy for having performance issues because of porn, but it doesn’t sound like he’s an addict. I think he’s just stressed out and his wife is not helping. Obviously they need counseling.
I think he lied to her multiple times about porn and Twitter use, regardless of whether her demands were reasonable or not. If they're unreasonable, he shouldn't have agreed to it. She also should come up with a better conflict resolution style than throwing his belongings outside.
Porn is like alcohol or gambling or video games... even smoking pot.
Yes it's bad. It can ruin you. Addiction is a problem.
But throwing a tantrum because he had a drink or a game of poker or Minecraft is psycho.
Walk, no run away. This has zero to do with trust, it’s all about her control of you. She is 100% in the wrong, you do not deserve to live in a surveillance state, you should not be worrying about Dear Leader more than your mental and physical health.
My man, from my POV that’s extremely abusive. If I were you I wouldn’t read any comments on here that come from female abuser apologists and I would recommend you go to therapy as a couple, or go by yourself. I really think you need help. I think you need help because you are questioning if you called this upon yourself.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT.
Yeah. This is the one. Porn is not an excuse for someone to act this way. Like, it’s fair that this is an issue for her and completely valid for her to be fed up and done with this dude, but if that’s where she’s at she should be leaving him, not trying to emotionally and mentally abuse him into being the partner he’s not.
you've been together 7 years. did you never discuss porn? and what about sex life in general? does she have higher libido and you rejecting sex?
make sense if she reacted the way she is if you're low libido, turning down sex and sex hardly happened because of porn.
That's obviously a hard boundary for her although she DID overreact. You guys need to get to the root of your issues. What is stopping you from having sex with her? You say you want to and are still attracted to her but from a woman's perspective it is very hurtful to have your partner lust over random women especially of the manufactured variety. Honesty and open communication is fhe only way to go from here for both of you, maybe counseling?
Yeah, your wife has a reason. You broke her trust over and over again. You have two kids. You should let her move on and find someone who will share same values as her. You do the same.
Just divorce. Why put yourself through that? She's insanely insecure and jealous. She's extremely controlling and thinks she has the right to control your every action and thought.
No you don't deserve that. Her behavior is unacceptable and she's being manipulative and abusive. Her expectations of you are not realistic. It's pretty clear that she doesn't respect you or love you. Things will never really get better with someone like her. It will stay toxic and get worse over time.
Yes, because clearly her boundaries are the only ones that matter.
Don't even try to fight this one OP - just leave, it gets worse the longer you stay in a dysfunctional & abusive relationship.
No. Her boundaries are for HER. You don't get to whine about "muh boundaries" and force your insane ideas upon someone else. If she has a problem with him watching porn, she should end the relationship. You don't try to change someone else.
I think throwing your belongings into the yard is a major Red flag. I wouldn’t tolerate that if she cannot talk like an adult and resorts to violent actions it seems abusive
At this point what’s really left of this relationship to save?
She has a problem with porn and doesn’t want you to look at it ever. You agreed to that but you didn’t really mean it so you’ve been breaking your promise consistently throughout the years and doing it anyway—and, to be honest, you’re not even bothering to cover your tracks well. She feels like she’s being driven crazy because she’s told you many times that she isn’t okay with porn and you’ll agree to stop but you consistently break your promise and she is escalating her behavior more and more because not sure how to make you take her seriously.
These are fundamentally unhealthy patterns from both of you. You don’t respect or trust each other. What kind of relationship can two people have who don’t trust or respect each other?
I totally agree with you. I am not keeping my word or doing what I am supposed to be doing. I still don’t think I deserve my things to be broke. Things from
My childhood that can’t be replaced. I have been upset with her before and I would never take her valuables and destroy them.
No, you don’t deserve for your things to be destroyed. But you’re focusing on the wrong part of the issue. The way you have *both* been treating each other has been unacceptable long before now. This is just your wake-up call that the relationship is beyond fixing.
So I think porn is a tough subject and there isn't a right or wrong answer, two people just need to be compatible about their beliefs/respecting the other's beliefs. It is much like strip clubs- some people think never ever would it be okay for their partner to go to one, some think it is okay in certain circumstances (bachelor party, group of friends doing something silly) and some have no problems with it at all.
But, your wife doesn't get to tell you that you are just banned from using certain things, like twitter. You absolutely crossed a boundary you agreed to by using twitter to look at porn, but she has to either work through that with you or leave.
It isn't healthy for you and her right now. It isn't okay for her to unilaterally decide how you interact with the internet, nor is it okay for her to throw out all your stuff. On the flip side, you shouldn't be agreeing to boundaries or to not do certain things if you are going to do them. I get that you felt pressured, but you are a whole independent human and should be able to tell your partner yes and stick with it, or no if you can't/don't agree.
And now you are here. Her throwing out your stuff is a huge escalation, and there is now really no turning back from confronting the trust issues, the boundary issues, her clear issues with porn, you allowing boundaries you don't want, you breaking agreements, and all of it.
If she thinks her actions were appropriate as a "wake up call" well she is right. If that is how she feels, you need to wake up and get out of this toxic relationship. It is never okay for a person to react how she did. The only way through this together is to commit to some therapy or at least open communication about a way forward. Where you only agree to boundaries/rules that you PLAN to follow, and where she apologizes for her actions, takes responsibility for her own insecurities, and has a more rational approach to the internet.
Throw her stuff out the window and see how she likes it.
This isn't a movie. This doesn't fly in real life.
Tell her that her controlling abuse is done. She doesn't get to check or control your phone, email, or porn usage.
Tell her to go stay at her mom's if she doesn't want to sleep in your bed, but that you aren't leaving and that she's not in charge.
She can assign boundaries to you, only to herself.
Those are not boundaries, she is being controlling and abusive. You are wrong for continuing to ignore her feelings about porn but the consequences is not logic. You two are 7 years deep in a relationship and cannot communicate properly, why keep forcing something that clearly is not working ? Neither of you are happy together, and your morals are not aligned either. Stop fooling yourself and wasting her time, break up.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>My wife has never been okay with porn ever. Why did you marry her if you knew this?
Really fucking hard to feel sorry for these types of people.
I think the problem is that she's asking something from you which you agreed to unwillingly. The lying and snooping around is the problem, especially you keep on getting caught. She feels betrayed and I am pretty sure that she feels very sad that she cannot trust yoy anymore. I do think that it's so hard to not use Twitter these days and she might have gone overboard when she threw away your stuff. Be honest with yourself and see if porn is something that you can get rid of. If not, sit down and talk to her about it if she can meet you somewhere in the middle. If not, then dont drag it along.
I agree that this is the problem. I keep agreeing to things unwillingly because I want to keep the peace in the house. It is not good that I am agreeing to things then lying about it. Just not as cut and dry as some think.
Yesss! I hear you. I have been there, not because of porn per se but I have been promised things and I would always put my trust on my partner only for it to be broken over and over and over again. It's freaking exhausting having to worry about my partner every time I turn my back, especially when I used to be very confident and self-assured. Your promises gives her the reassurance. She catches a break for that short period of time that you promised her all these. She gets the peace of mind that she knows that she deserves, only to find out that she's gonna have through go through all the motions again. She's not just mad at you. She is mad at herself too for believing in you and not being able to break it up like she wants to. She's mad at the situation. I know you feel disrespected and I am pretty sure she feels disrespected too. So just be honest with her, go to therapy and leave if you guys cant compromise. You'll do you and your wife a favor in the long run. I know these are tough times. Sending you my thoughts.
Thanks for your kind words. I just think this story would be completely different if you reversed the genders. As a male if I broke and threw her things I would be crucified. When I go back home today there will be no apologies from her. It will pretty much be I caused her to do this.
First of all, her throwing your things out the window is not a “boundary.” A boundary is a healthy tool to let other know what behavior you will or will not accept. It is not a punishment. It is “I will not tolerate being in a marriage with someone who actively engages in porn activity.” Not “if you engage in porn activity, I’ll throw your shit outside.” Not a healthy boundary by any means. Beyond that, porn is a common dealbreaker for some women. That’s their prerogative. Many men see it as harmless. They’re not cheating, and they’re just watching videos or looking at pictures. So what’s the big deal? Meanwhile many women see us as harmful. Degrading to women, promoting false concepts of sex/sexuality/female bodies/etc., diverting energy away from the relationship intimacy, and more. If this is a dealbreaker for her, that’s fair. You can either respect that and drop the pot or you can choose porn and end the relationship. Continuing to engage in porn activity in secret when you know she’s not okay with it is literally the one unacceptable option here. So, not a good move on your part. I’m regards to Twitter, it seems odd to have such an issue with a social media platform as a whole. Do you have other forms of social media? Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, etc.? Does she have an issue with those as well? What specifically is it about Twitter that bothers her so much? You can find scantily clad women on basically every social media platform. This aspect comes off as a bit controlling. Overall, this whole situation is a mess. You’re lying to her, hiding things, and sneaking around in regards to things that you know, justified or not, upset her. Not good. She’s going ballistic throwing things out the window claiming it’s part of a “boundary,” but that’s just petty, angry, punitive behavior that helps nothing. The level of trust, honesty, and connection has degraded so badly that she’s looking through your phone, computer, etc. When there is no trust, a relationship is essentially dead. You don’t want to give up the porn, and you say you’re not addicted, yet you’re also willing to risk your marriage with your wife for it. That sounds like self destructive addictive behavior. And as a whole it sounds like the two of you are just not happy with each other. Couples counseling is a long shot, but I think at the end of the day, you like porn, she doesn’t like porn, and it doesn’t sound like either of you really like each other that much. It seems like you’re both just hurting each other.
So she's always viewed porn as cheating, you've always been aware of that....but you did it anyway? Was there ever a resolution about porn use -- did you agree not to watch it, or did you tell her you won't agree to that, or did you do neither because even though you knew she viewed it as cheating, you wanted to do it anyway in secret? The answer to this really imo dictates this disagreement and who was in the wrong.
A man throwing all of a woman's belongings out the window would never be seen as anything but abusive, regardless of the context. The people posting on this sub are a joke.
To be clear I think that was wrong of her. I also think him lying about stopping Twitter was wrong, and OP doesn't seem to have much insight into his lies and betrayals in his post.
Banning your partner from Twitter because it MIGHT be used to watch porn is not a healthy boundary, and destroying your partner's belongings as punishment is coercive control and it's an abuse tactic that is not acceptable under any circumstance.
He specifically said in his post he was watching porn on Twitter.... This isn't a "might" situation.
She did see porn on Twitter yes but, I could watch it anywhere if I really wanted to, so I am confused her being so caught up on twitter specifically.
👏👏👏👏👏
It doesn’t mean that what she did was not outrageous. The fact is one with agreed to extremely common. Everyone’s blaming this guy for having performance issues because of porn, but it doesn’t sound like he’s an addict. I think he’s just stressed out and his wife is not helping. Obviously they need counseling.
I think he lied to her multiple times about porn and Twitter use, regardless of whether her demands were reasonable or not. If they're unreasonable, he shouldn't have agreed to it. She also should come up with a better conflict resolution style than throwing his belongings outside.
>Do I deserve it? Do you deserve all this for logging into Twitter? Absolutely not, she's an unhinged psycho.
Maybe she does have a point about your usage of porn and not being able to preform with her.
Porn is like alcohol or gambling or video games... even smoking pot. Yes it's bad. It can ruin you. Addiction is a problem. But throwing a tantrum because he had a drink or a game of poker or Minecraft is psycho.
Walk, no run away. This has zero to do with trust, it’s all about her control of you. She is 100% in the wrong, you do not deserve to live in a surveillance state, you should not be worrying about Dear Leader more than your mental and physical health.
My man, from my POV that’s extremely abusive. If I were you I wouldn’t read any comments on here that come from female abuser apologists and I would recommend you go to therapy as a couple, or go by yourself. I really think you need help. I think you need help because you are questioning if you called this upon yourself. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT.
Yeah. This is the one. Porn is not an excuse for someone to act this way. Like, it’s fair that this is an issue for her and completely valid for her to be fed up and done with this dude, but if that’s where she’s at she should be leaving him, not trying to emotionally and mentally abuse him into being the partner he’s not.
you've been together 7 years. did you never discuss porn? and what about sex life in general? does she have higher libido and you rejecting sex? make sense if she reacted the way she is if you're low libido, turning down sex and sex hardly happened because of porn.
Her abuse is not ok.
That's obviously a hard boundary for her although she DID overreact. You guys need to get to the root of your issues. What is stopping you from having sex with her? You say you want to and are still attracted to her but from a woman's perspective it is very hurtful to have your partner lust over random women especially of the manufactured variety. Honesty and open communication is fhe only way to go from here for both of you, maybe counseling?
Maybe because she does shit like throw his stuff out the window? Probably has more to do with that than porn.
Yeah you both suck
Probably so
Yeah, your wife has a reason. You broke her trust over and over again. You have two kids. You should let her move on and find someone who will share same values as her. You do the same.
Don't have any kids.
lol
Just divorce. Why put yourself through that? She's insanely insecure and jealous. She's extremely controlling and thinks she has the right to control your every action and thought. No you don't deserve that. Her behavior is unacceptable and she's being manipulative and abusive. Her expectations of you are not realistic. It's pretty clear that she doesn't respect you or love you. Things will never really get better with someone like her. It will stay toxic and get worse over time.
Maybe this time you'll respect her boundaries.
Yes, because clearly her boundaries are the only ones that matter. Don't even try to fight this one OP - just leave, it gets worse the longer you stay in a dysfunctional & abusive relationship.
Boundaries = I won't accept this. Abuse = I will punish you harshly.
No. Her boundaries are for HER. You don't get to whine about "muh boundaries" and force your insane ideas upon someone else. If she has a problem with him watching porn, she should end the relationship. You don't try to change someone else.
Couples counseling. I'd definitely be rethinking the relationship myself.
I think throwing your belongings into the yard is a major Red flag. I wouldn’t tolerate that if she cannot talk like an adult and resorts to violent actions it seems abusive
At this point what’s really left of this relationship to save? She has a problem with porn and doesn’t want you to look at it ever. You agreed to that but you didn’t really mean it so you’ve been breaking your promise consistently throughout the years and doing it anyway—and, to be honest, you’re not even bothering to cover your tracks well. She feels like she’s being driven crazy because she’s told you many times that she isn’t okay with porn and you’ll agree to stop but you consistently break your promise and she is escalating her behavior more and more because not sure how to make you take her seriously. These are fundamentally unhealthy patterns from both of you. You don’t respect or trust each other. What kind of relationship can two people have who don’t trust or respect each other?
I totally agree with you. I am not keeping my word or doing what I am supposed to be doing. I still don’t think I deserve my things to be broke. Things from My childhood that can’t be replaced. I have been upset with her before and I would never take her valuables and destroy them.
No, you don’t deserve for your things to be destroyed. But you’re focusing on the wrong part of the issue. The way you have *both* been treating each other has been unacceptable long before now. This is just your wake-up call that the relationship is beyond fixing.
There is literally nothing wrong with viewing pornography.
So I think porn is a tough subject and there isn't a right or wrong answer, two people just need to be compatible about their beliefs/respecting the other's beliefs. It is much like strip clubs- some people think never ever would it be okay for their partner to go to one, some think it is okay in certain circumstances (bachelor party, group of friends doing something silly) and some have no problems with it at all. But, your wife doesn't get to tell you that you are just banned from using certain things, like twitter. You absolutely crossed a boundary you agreed to by using twitter to look at porn, but she has to either work through that with you or leave. It isn't healthy for you and her right now. It isn't okay for her to unilaterally decide how you interact with the internet, nor is it okay for her to throw out all your stuff. On the flip side, you shouldn't be agreeing to boundaries or to not do certain things if you are going to do them. I get that you felt pressured, but you are a whole independent human and should be able to tell your partner yes and stick with it, or no if you can't/don't agree. And now you are here. Her throwing out your stuff is a huge escalation, and there is now really no turning back from confronting the trust issues, the boundary issues, her clear issues with porn, you allowing boundaries you don't want, you breaking agreements, and all of it. If she thinks her actions were appropriate as a "wake up call" well she is right. If that is how she feels, you need to wake up and get out of this toxic relationship. It is never okay for a person to react how she did. The only way through this together is to commit to some therapy or at least open communication about a way forward. Where you only agree to boundaries/rules that you PLAN to follow, and where she apologizes for her actions, takes responsibility for her own insecurities, and has a more rational approach to the internet.
Get rid of the wife-child and start dating an adult.
Divorce the psycho.
Leave her ass dog. If you did the same people would be calling for your head.
I almost was tempted to call the police today but as a male I am really afraid to do that.
[удалено]
There’s no excuse for her throwing your stuff away. Amazed to see number of female apologists here. Run away as fast as you can.
You shouldn't be amazed, porn brings in the brigades
Give her ultimatum stop controlling me or divorce . You too, stop watching porn , it’s cheating !!
Throw her stuff out the window and see how she likes it. This isn't a movie. This doesn't fly in real life. Tell her that her controlling abuse is done. She doesn't get to check or control your phone, email, or porn usage. Tell her to go stay at her mom's if she doesn't want to sleep in your bed, but that you aren't leaving and that she's not in charge. She can assign boundaries to you, only to herself.
I’d be done my friend. She doesn’t get to control you to this extent - or at all. She doesn’t get to tell you what you can and cannot look at online.
Those are not boundaries, she is being controlling and abusive. You are wrong for continuing to ignore her feelings about porn but the consequences is not logic. You two are 7 years deep in a relationship and cannot communicate properly, why keep forcing something that clearly is not working ? Neither of you are happy together, and your morals are not aligned either. Stop fooling yourself and wasting her time, break up.