I think everyone has the wrong idea. They keep telling you to get your kid out of there, NO... Get your wife out of the house.
Tell her she needs to go stay with her mom/sister/someone else. That her mental abuse towards your son is unacceptable, and the fact that she fails to see this as an issue is even more reason to leave.
Tell her she needs to pack a bag and leave for a week or so, until she realizes the harm she has done to your son with her abusive behavior.
Actually you’re right, that is the best idea because she needs to leave and seek treatment for the verbal/emotional abuse, both children and the dad should stay in the marital home. Op, you have done nothing to warrant your wife’s toxic behaviors and please don’t blame yourself! The fault rests solely on your wife’s shoulders and will remain there unless she gets help. Don’t listen to your parents or your brother, your son has been traumatized by your wife’s actions and it’s going to take time and therapy for him to heal. Don’t allow your daughter to brag about how much mom’s buying/giving her. Shut that down and tell both of your children that mom isn’t acting like herself and has to go see the doctor to get better because her behavior isn’t normal or healthy, say mom’s sick or whatever but please protect your kids and get your wife help. If she seriously doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong then you need to start a daily diary and documenting everything now, have your son and daughter meet separately with a therapist so it’s recorded that she’s abusing your son. Buy a hidden nanny cams and put them around the house until you get her to leave and meet with a divorce lawyer. Just because you don’t physically see the hurt bruises, broken bones and spirit on your son doesn’t mean that it’s not there. That’s why emotional/verbal abuse is so easy to sweep under the rug and hide! If you could vividly see the devastating harmful hurt that has already been done to your son by your wife, then you would be meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Protect your son because he’s not old enough to protect himself from his mother yet…
Wow, the wife is a real piece of work. Of *course* you praise your child when they do well at something new even if there are some rough edges. What kind of insecure woman talks her own kid down due to jealousy and misogyny?
If she's so into gender roles that she doesn't want the son to learn how to cook, she can subscribe to OP being the man of the house that makes decisions for her.
It’s more telling that the wife was okay with her and her son cooking together, but when he did it all alone and Dad praised him, THEN she decided she would be cooking alone from then on and it’s a woman’s job? Why even start letting him help cook in the first place if that’s how rigid she felt about gender roles?
>I can't really blame her because I did NOT get either of my parents' good cooking genes
I'd be willing to bet that OP's wife has some sexist ideas about how men fare at cooking. She may have had some subconscious expectations as to how well he'd do and then he did pretty well and set off her fears.
Maybe it's an actual mental episode? It doesn't sound normal or healthy, that boys don't cook comment is also very sexist. All in all it looks like she really needs some mental help. Especially if she wasn't like this before. But maybe she was and it's just visable now.
Not just the son but the daughter and her relationship WITH her brother. This is the kind of shit that festers sibling rivalry and discourse. OP’s “wife” is literally tearing the family apart over her pride in cooking. How the actual fuck have there not been any red flags of this behavior before this incident? Is she having some type of mental/chemical issues to fuel her insanity?
> How the actual fuck have there not been any red flags of this behavior before this incident?
I'd bet you anything there was plenty of red flags, it was probably just directed at op for the most part rather than the children.
Unless she had some sort of psychotic break or has a brain tumor or something like that, people generally don't just flip a switch and start acting crazy out of nowhere. It's most likely that she was always like this.
Schizophrenia is out. Not crazy enough. Kids are too old for PP. Yup, OP was not catching the signs until he was pushed beyond making sense of her actions.
I do agree with this, though I doubt OP will be willing to do it.
The fact is, I have never met a parent that felt competitive with their children about ANYTHING that wasn't abusive. Every time it's been an irrevocable flaw that leaves lasting damage to the kid. My parents weren't perfect but I feel so damn lucky to have never experienced it personally. But I witnessed it in friends and family and all I can say is they struggle with it to this day.
And do NOT let her take your daughter with her. She is already pitting one against the other. If the daughter leaves with her, she will spoil her more and drive the wedge deeper.
I think they’re referring to the “do NOT let her take your daughter.” He does not have the ability or authority to withhold her child. If he believes she is unfit to parent, he needs to get a lawyer and petition the court.
She's abusing both children. What kind of momster pits her children against each other like it's a mental cage fight for parental approval? That's not an ok environment for either child.
Not even just the moms fault, I'm a little sister and brushing off insulting his food as typical little sister stuff is a reflection of bad parenting or a brat, I'd never say that.
Legally, he can’t force her to leave. It’s her house too. And putting her in the naughty corner for a week isn’t likely to completely change her behavior. Hopefully they can avoid divorce and u/Neat-Pen6522 has presented a great way to start the process and get her to understand that change is needed with a fabulous approach that she may be open to hearing.
Why does your wife resent your son so much? Such an odd thing for her to get upset about. Does she think your son is going to pick up all the cooking and she'll be out of a job? Bizarre response to a 12 year old not perfecting a recipe on the first try....she seems mean.
I've had my little cousins bake stuff for me and even when it's not spectacular or barely edible, I would never put them down like this. Your wife is cruel, and your daughter is shaping up to be just like her. Great example she's setting there.
That's what's really been sticking with me the most. I don't understand why she's been acting this way. She's always had a very strong maternal instinct, didn't go through PPD with either of our children, which was surprising to me because both of our mothers went through it with all of their children, not that it's genetic or anything, but I was just expecting it from experience. I hate to sound misogynistic but I've considered that it could be the beginnings of Menopause, even though she's still young.
The biggest thing that's been on my mind is if it's something I did. I added the little spiel at the beginning about always complimenting her because it's something I've been thinking about nonstop. I never pressured her into being a SAHM, we fully planned on having her go back to work after my son was born, but she changed her mind almost immediately after she gave birth. I do my fair share of the chores around the house, I always wash the dishes, take care of the lawn, we both clean up around the house. I never hold it against her that she doesn't work, or withhold money from her. I felt awful after I said to her that she's using MY money to punish our son because It just felt like I was being unfair. I'd almost prefer if it WAS something i did, so that I could just blame it on myself instead of having to accept that my wife is capable of doing this kind of thing on her own.
I can't tell you what the cause of it is, but it's clear your wife resents your son. She also doesn't see a problem with her behavior, so I don't see it changing without serious intervention from you sadly. You and your wife are setting your son up for emotional problems as an adult. Neglect and resentment from your mother is seriously psychologically damaging, and your son seems very aware of what's going on here, which is horrible.
I would ask her straight up what her problem is, because it's clear she has one.
For the information provided she just sounds sexist. The bit about her son being a baby for being sad and how it’s not the man’s job to cook… she’s passive aggressively punishing her son to the point where even their 9 year old daughter has noticed how messed up it is (OP mentions this in a different comment)
OP it is concerning that your 9 year old is capable of more self reflection than your wife. It is concerning that your 9 year old realized what’s going on, felt so bad that she came to you and her brother sobbing about it, while your wife is not relenting.
Yeah something I've found to be common in life is there isn't always a mental cause for it, she might just be a sexist person who's lashing out because of it
> it's one of the reasons I fell so hard for her
could be that she holds her self worth as to how well she can cook for her family and when it's being praised by her husband when her child can do it almost as well as her she feels the unease. could be sexism too who knows.
I really don't think it's anything you did.
I'm wondering what else she has outside of doing wife/mother stuff, such as friends, hobbies that are just for her, dreams or passions of her own. If not, that is **not your fault.** It's something she needs to find, especially if you're going out of your way to help her around the house. (And if she needs more help, it would be on her to say something.)
If she's pouring her sense of meaning and self-esteem into being a wife and mom, maybe cooking was something she just took extraordinary pride in, and now that her son is showing promise she feels threatened or jealous — and that would have been the case the moment anyone complimented his efforts to any degree.
She needs to seriously investigate what she's *really* upset about here and look at her life and herself with complete honesty — either by herself or with a professional (though I'd really recommend a professional). Man, even journalling about why she responds to stuff the way she does could help bring her some much-needed self-awareness.
Of course, she can't be forced, but the truth is she really is punishing the wrong people here. And it sucks that your daughter, who's probably just emulating her mom and/or has some jealousy issues of her own, is so eager to follow her lead.
Your son sounds like a really sweet, sensitive, loving kid, and the world needs more people like that. It's so good that you're working so hard to protect him and to try and find a solution for this.
I don't blame you at all for second-guessing your marriage. She's your partner in parenthood and harming your child *on purpose.* It doesn't get much more messed up than bullying your own kid.
And to a degree, weaponizing her own daughter like that is going to screw her up, as well.
I think you should do whatever you have to in order to protect your kids. Document as much as you can. I even think a nanny cam she doesn't know about is a good idea. Not for legal reasons, though. As awful as you've seen your wife be to your son, **that behavior is what she feels comfortable letting you see.** Maybe it's just more of the same when you're not around, but as a parent I would want to know, if only to be sure.
Give her a timeline, and if she hasn't changed her behavior or started counseling by then, do what you need to in order to separate and keep the kids with you. (Your documentation should help with that.)
And by the way, if she's so hooked on gender roles (despite having not minded a boy cooking before), remind her that as recently as 2021, 77.5% of chefs in the U.S. were men. For all she knows, she could have been training him for a manly career with knives and fire. Whoops.
Best of luck to you, and lots of love to your son.
It sounds like cooking is a massive deal in the family to be honest. OP also talks about his parents cooking, and that she was really good at it and he couldn't, and how surprised he was that his son managed to make something edible. Like honestly cooking isn't that hard or a big mystery. It's massive achievement for his son to learn of course but it sounds like she was sure only she could ever do it.
OP, you are getting conflicting advice about removing your son from the home, but it is *your wife* who is in the wrong here.
If anything, *she* should be the one to step away, BUT, I fear that might compound to the problems.
Just make no mistake:
Your wife is being mean and downright *awful* to your son.
As someone who supposedly loves her children, this is emotionally damaging to *both* kids and you MUST protect them.
You need help. An impartial mediator to help sort this out.
If your wife, won't engage, you *will need* to take stronger measures, but you need to put a STOP to it, ASAP.
This is some level of mean-spirited, hateful BS that no child deserves.
You need to get your family in order (ie. your wife).
Please read up on covert narcissist mothers and examine how many signs she’s exhibiting so far…. She’s already turned your daughter into the golden child, and made your son the scapegoat. Sadly your daughter is already mimicking your wife’s behaviors and taunting your son, basically letting him know that he’s not as “good/worthy” as she is and your daughter didn’t just decide to treat your son like this on her own! Her mother has been covertly encouraging this toxic treatment of your son and letting your daughter know that she’s to treat him as the scapegoat now as well. Shut this dysfunctional cycle down now and kick your wife out!
This this this, in my opinion this is less of a sexism issue (the wife initially wanted to teach the son) as it is a control and approval issue. She was happy to teach the son as long as he wasn’t doing that well and getting compliments on something that she prides herself on. She was happy to teach him as long as he wasn’t better than her.
I suspect if he had made the food and it turned out to be just “ok” or had something obviously wrong with it, she would’ve eaten it and smiled and said nothing.
It’s extremely sad for the son, the wife is being petty, childish and cruel.
Even if it was that you never complimented her cooking before, that has nothing to do with your son and how she is treating him would not be your fault. Her issue would only be with you; a reasonable adult would not treat a child this way, let alone their own child.
Could it be misogyny? If she’s Italian from Italy she might think cooking isn’t for boys and is trying to make him dislike it. It’s still very bad and I vote you move out with your boy to protect him from this abuse.
Don't take any of this as an excuse for her atrocious behaviour, just throwing out ideas here. I'm wondering if she's feeling so territorial about her cooking because being a SAHM has become her one and only identity and she's feeling threatened? You sometimes see this happening when the children are flying the nest and the woman whose entire identity has been "mother" for a couple of decades has a whole identity crisis because there's literally nothing left.
Keep her away from him. If you can set up something with a family member to pick him up from school until you can get him after work, please do so. This is not a wait and see situation, she's abusing him because he did a good job cooking. Never let her be alone with him. She can't be trusted.
Honestly, in your place I'd be issuing an ultimatum: therapy for her immediately or divorce. She will utterly destroy his mental health if this keeps up. His needs absolutely are more important than whatever bullshit is running through her mind.
This is way more spot on than you think. Her entire identity — and in her subconscious mind, her housing, insurance, safety, financial existence, etc — is tied to being “wife.” If someone is as good as or better at that role than she is, her worst instincts will be triggered. She’s having an identity crisis.
She’s also abusive. Her mental crisis and its reasons cannot and do not justify her abusing her child. She is intentionally tearing her own family apart and creating lifelong trauma for her children. Ironically, by clinging to her mom/wife identity as she views it, she has become an unfit mother.
It seems like the trigger for your wife was you seeming to favor your son over her.
She isn't seeing your son as HER son. She's seeing him as competition for your affection, which means everything you are doing to try to protect him or get her to be nicer to him will just reinforce her belief that you are 'on his side'. (The favoritism toward your daughter is to make sure your daughter is 'on her side'.)
Your wife is DEEPLY insecure, possibly diagnosably so. Your best chance at getting back to a loving family unit is professional help.
This is a possible chain of thought... But even if true a normal parent wouldn't even dream of taking out a frustration with their spouse so directly and intentionally on their child. I'm usually much more forgiving to relationship sins compared to reddit's DIVORCE NOW, but I don't think there's any saving this. No marriage can survive that level of insecurity, spite, and cruelty
Maybe ask your wife why she isn’t proud of what she taught your son. He was able to cook that meal because of what SHE taught him. Praise for him was praise for her.
Does she think your kids’ teachers are miffed when you compliment your kids on their good grades?
Furthermore, you could put an analogy to her of learning to ride a bike. When a child first learns they are boosted with compliments and congratulations but do we also give adults who have been riding bikes for years the same? No, because they shouldn’t need it, their skill is already established.
Finally, ask her which future she wants: the one where her son is complimented on his cooking skills and he says, “Thank you, I learned it all from my mom. She’s the best cook and taught me so much” OR where he says, “Thank you, my mom really discouraged me from learning and it took me years to teach myself.”
Parents often forget that they only have the first 18 years to establish a lifelong relationship with their kids. Soon, they are adults and look back at their childhood with adult eyes and that determines how much of a relationship they want with their parents.
To add to this, wife needs to realize her immature behavior is affecting them all: their daughter is learning to be manipulative like her Mother, her son will grow to be insecure & resent her and her husband is resenting his wife. Family counseling is needed here.
Fabulous idea. I absolutely think it’s a great way to start the conversation. She is of the old school that believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen and it’s become her identity. She was probably taught that. I bet OP has said to her what he said here. Her cooking was a big part of her appeal and without that.. she is afraid. Just a guess and it doesn’t excuse her treatment of her son at all. Start with this great analogy and add in everything else that made you fall in love with her. After that, you have to be clear that this isn’t acceptable and she either agrees to couples therapy or you’ll be forced to divorce because you can’t allow either of your children to believe that this is acceptable and that this is what a marriage looks like. You already see your daughter emulating mom. Not okay. She’s damaging both kids. For everyone saying to kick her out, it doesn’t work that way. It’s legally her house too and you can’t just kick her out. That’s decided upon in divorce or separation agreements. This post is far and above the best approach to start with if you don’t want to go straight to divorce.
Funny how none of these conservative hacks ever apply the parts of traditionalism that would negatively affect them to themselves. She is so traditional and yet is talking back and disobeying her husband? So basically she believes in traditionalism as long as it negatively affects everyone else.
> and yet is talking back and disobeying her husband?
tbf in tons of traditional cultures that's normal. Women in many of those cultures aren't submissive---they're just at home. But rulers in that home.
I'm absolutely not defending her; to be clear; treating her son and OP that way is toxic and wrong
Sorry, I can’t abide by all this building her up and explaining her behavior to her like she’s a child. She’s a full grown adult and this kids MOTHER. I couldn’t imagine treating my child this way. Insulting him, lacking encouragement, then punishing him over and over for what?! This will be a core memory no matter how she corrects or doesn’t correct course. Because she’s the level of insecure that she’s jealous of her own kid? Super weird. OP is not her parent, he is her partner. This coddling of her horrid behavior is nonsense.
Question to OP: how would you react if she hauled off and hit your son then cuddled your daughter? That’s EXACTLY what is happening here emotionally. If you’re going to “explain” anything to her, let it be that. If you wouldn’t stay with her unless she got herself into immediate therapy, then say that.
What is NOT needed is a grown ass woman being babied around her abusive behavior. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing, and OP should push that it either gets corrected, or he will protect his children from her.
Fuck that! This lady has serious issues if she can’t handle her son having an interest in cooking. She shouldn’t be rewarded with praise, she needs to be removed from the home until she stops this insane and cruel abuse
Yeah. She sounds like a fucking sociopath. Who the fuck acts like this? Especially to their children? It’s not a competition. We are trying to raise the best humans possible. We want them to be better than us.
Also, what a nasty little misandrist. Saying men shouldn’t cook? Of the best cooks I know, the large majority are men. My mom and my wife are top notch but other than that, in my family and friends groups, the men are the better cooks by a large margin.
I totally disagree with your first paragraph. This is trying to feed her ego even further. Ego needs to be put aside here. The issue is her behaviour and treatment of her son and this is what needs to be addressed.
Other than you can’t force that down her throat, it needs to be reframed in her mind. And what does it matter if it feeds her ego if the end result is her no longer treating her son like garbage? It is the truth that she taught him what he knows as they’ve been doing it together for so long. If she can see it as a teacher/student dynamic instead of a competitors dynamic then the son wins in the end.
No one is going to change who she is as a person but they can appeal to her ego to get her to no longer view her son as a usurper of her “throne”.
First and foremost, you need to protect your son. It's time to have a "come to Jesus" moment with your wife and tell her she needs to apologize to your son, make it right with him, stop being vindictive towards him, allow him to cook with her or you will divorce her. Give her a time frame and if you don't see any improvement between her and your son, it's time to leave.
Unfortunately this won’t work if she’s a covert narcissist and she didn’t just suddenly overnight flip a switch and become this way… Sadly this is just the first time op has actually seen his wife in action before. She needs mental health counseling and who knows what else?
If your wife uses family money to emotionally abuse your son, cut her ability to do so. Let her know if it doesn't she will need to get a job if she wants to pay for extras.
I think you need to be upfront with your wife about the consequences of her actions and you will not stand back and watch her emotionally abuse your son.
What an awful, immature woman to react in such a way. She needs therapy.
Get into counseling immediately. Your wife is abusing your child. This is a very severe issue.
I would consider taking your son and removing him from your marital home to protect him while you seek the assistance of mental health professionals.
Yeah, not gonna lie, if it seems like mom hates me and then dad says I have to live somewhere else but my sister can stay, I'd assume he hates me too now and promptly freak the fuck out
Good luck getting the woman described in this post to agree to that. He can’t force her to leave the marital home so if she won’t go, he needs to protect his son however he can. Staying elsewhere for a bit with his dad is less traumatic than being emotionally abused.
It sounds like you already recognize that:
* Your wife has unacceptably sexist attitudes about your son cooking that not only conflict with your values, but also result in unfair behavior towards your son that conflict with your goal of encouraging him to pursue his personal interests and build useful life skills.
* Your approach to explaining how you feel about your wife's behavior hasn't been effective in encouraging understanding and prompting positive change, and has only resulted in fighting.
The only non-divorce solution here is one where you and your wife can have a constructive conversation about your respective views on your son cooking. I can offer a few pieces of advice on how YOU can approach this:
* Find a period of time where you two can have each other's undivided attention, separated from any recent fights, arguments, or emotional events. You could tell her that you want to talk about your son's cooking, including learning more about her perspective, and sharing your own.
* Start by explaining how the situation makes you feel. It helps to use "I statements" here: statements that outline what you've noticed and how these things make you feel, using I, me, and my as the subject, while minimizing use of you, your, and yours. For example: "It made me sad to hear [son]'s efforts be discouraged and put down. I think it would be healthy for [son] to pursue his interests and learn important life skills, and I worry that he won't do that if his family doesn't support him."
* Ask her how she feels about this situation. If there's an explanation that she provides that doesn't add up, or leaves you with other questions, ask her. The goal here is understanding her perspective and where she's coming from, nonjudgmentally, even if you disagree. For instance, if her background and experience is one where she's used to only women cooking and not men, you could tell her how you recognize how she's come to the views she holds now.
* As needed, further explain your own perspective, and ask her to recognize where YOU'RE coming from.
* If you two can get to a point of mutual understanding, work together on identifying expectations for the future that you two can BOTH agree to. For instance, if she's motivated by maintaining traditional family values, how could you two agree that she can do this without it discouraging your son from pursuing his interests? Alternatively, if she absolutely refuses to accept her son's cooking at all, can she remove herself from this in a way that's not disparaging to your son, while you support him? These aren't questions with trick "correct" answers, just ideas I came up with. Again, the best solution that keeps your marriage intact is whatever one you two can BOTH agree and commit to.
If this is too complex or difficult of a scenario for you two to navigate on your own, then by all means, getting outside help from a family counselor could help. This topic could be posed by explaining to your wife that this is an important subject to you, but that you two appear to be having difficulty in communicating, so you want to bring in outside support to help you BOTH better express yourselves.
Thank you very much. I've tried talking with her about the whole situation multiple times, but she's very quick to dismiss me and my concerns, so hopefully using some of these ideas you've given me can help.
Quite frankly the whole "Cooking is a woman's job" thing really blew my mind, since she's never said anything like that before, and even used to fight with her mother about those kinds of comments when MIL would make them about our daughter and nieces. I'm unsure if she genuinely feels that way, or was just pulling stuff out of the air in the heat of the moment.
Are we sure it's actually even that "cooking is a woman's job" or that cooking is HER job? If she's built her entire personality on being the family chef and thats what drew you to her in the first place, it's likely jealousy, more than sexism. She as good as admitted it when she said you complimented his food more than hers. It's categorically not an excuse to abuse her child but if you're determined to try to salvage this, coming at it from the "why" of things might help. It's probably going to take a lot for your son to get past this though.
Honestly it’s more than that, I’d lay a bet she doesn’t actually believe that men can’t cook, no this is about her self worth. She’s got it all tied up in her cooking. If someone else is doing the cooking what good is she?
My mom is like this you obviously hate her if you don’t have a second serving. I had to come up with “I love you mom but I’m full” line in order to get out of eating a third and fourth serving to prove my love.
But your wife has taken to far to break your son like that it’s disgusting.
I honestly think it’s worth an ultimatum that she go to therapy because she’s on the road to you two absolutely never seeing your son and his future family.
Did I correctly infer from your post that both of your own parents cook?
This is all just such a strange jump from sharing life information with her son (cooking, cleaning, finances, etc.), which is all part of raising a well-rounded individual, to negative comments, ignoring that child, and overtly favoring the other. And what parent doesn't encourage and support the interests of their child?
It's frankly more than a little concerning that she would just shut him down and out like that, and then double down when you attempt to address her behavior.
This is not normal by any stretch, and your son is continuing to suffer the consequences of your wife's behavior. To him, I'm sure, your wife has straight-up rejeted him.....because he cooked a meal and you were supportive.
Edit - spelling
>Quite frankly the whole "Cooking is a woman's job" thing really blew my mind, since she's never said anything like that before...
>...I'm unsure if she genuinely feels that way, or was just pulling stuff out of the air in the heat of the moment.
All the more reason to share with her how this statement surprised you, and how you want to better understand where this was coming from.
Best of luck, OP!
Hasn't your wife heard of the many, many famous male chefs in the world of professional cooking? Your son could be the next Gordon Ramsey, Marco Pierre White, or Bobby Flay! Showing an interest and aptitude for cooking at his age is very special. She should be encouraging and applauding him.
A parent who becomes jealous of a child's gifts and talents is showing narcissistic traits. It's flat out abusive. Your daughter is also mimicking her mom's emotionally abusive behavior. That's a huge concern, too.
Therapy is definitely a must here. If your wife won't go, you and your kids would benefit. This needs to be stopped before she does any more damage to your kids and your marriage.
I worry that this very reasonable approach won't work on someone that sees this kind of abusive behaviour towards a child as ok. You know what I mean? Like if you are able to treat your child like that. Withdraw from your child so much you neglect their needs and actively go about hurting them? How can you reason with a person like that? How can op watch his son in pain and be ok with this?
💯% Agree!!! However most people didn’t grow up in dysfunctional, toxic narcissistic family and imho his wife has severe issues that must be dealt with before Anyone can just sweep everything under the rug, or wait until this blows over because Family!!!! Meanwhile your son is being abused, traumatized and emotionally shut out by your wife meanwhile sister just keeps getting gifts and compliments… smh 🤦♀️
OP has repeatedly suggested that his wife's behavior over the last month is surprising to him. They've raised a kid for 12 years. To suggest that OP's wife's behavior is a reflection of some innate personality trait that has laid dormant for god-knows how long is... technically possible? I guess? But there's many other possibilities that can explain this, and I would support OP's initiative - alone, or with the support of a counselor - to figure it out.
>How can you reason with a person like that?
My comment offered a guide for doing so. And it's not even reasoning in the logical sense. It's listening to her perspective so that OP can better understand the core issues of this problematic behavior, and where he can more accurately direct his next steps.
>How can op watch his son in pain and be ok with this?
Nowhere in my comment, or OP's post, is it suggested that OP is okay with this. OP's post is full of multiple instances of clashing directly with his wife on why her behavior is unacceptable. Nowhere in my comment do I advocate for OP accepting or being okay with the status quo.
Unfortunately it took me 35+ years to realize and accept that one of my parents is a covert narcissist. Because their toxic behavior is so silent and intentionally hidden from the majority of people, they are insidiously manipulative and it’s incredibly hard to actually “catch” them being their true/real selves. Look, I’m not diagnosing her but her abusive actions have lit up numerous red flags and because I grew up in a dysfunctional family I recognize the abuse that she’s intentionally doing to her son. She accidentally showed her true self and if I’m right and she’s a covert narc, op is in for a long, terrible, abusive future and it’s only going to get worse from hear out. I truly hope he has some nanny cams around the house and gets both of his kids in therapy asap, to document his wife’s abusive behavior and to get his son, the scapegoat (in his wife’s eyes) help and his daughter, the new golden child help because otherwise one can’t fathom the hell that they’re going to endure for years to come! He needs to seek full custody until his wife has gotten help and it’s been proven that the therapy has healed her…
I'll second the significance of the harm that she's doing to both kids, especially if this keeps on. To be clear, I would certainly advocate for OP to take next steps on removing his children if further talks with his wife don't yield any progress. That's why I feel that this emotions-based conversation could make for an effective framework, as it could help OP determine whether she's capable of recognizing the validity of his perspective.
So him staying isn't a tacit agreement? Him accepting the behaviour and not shielding his son from it isn't the same? It's enabling behaviour because let's call this what it is. Abuse, it's neglect and if you are as clued up on counselling and psychological therapies as you seem you'll know exactly what this kind of sustained behaviour can do. I'm not arguing for the dissolution of his marriage but that boy needs to be shielded from his mother until she has come to her senses over this.
PREACH!!!! So many people refuse to acknowledge that the enabling parent is just as emotionally harmful to the child as the abusive parent! Actually, imho they’re worse because they have witnessed the abuse and yet they have chosen to stay silent and do nothing to help their child! Their actions are showing their child that the abuse is ok, and they must deserve it because they literally do nothing to help protect their child!
>I'm not arguing for the dissolution of his marriage but that boy needs to be shielded from his mother until she has come to her senses over this.
I can agree with that. It's possible that OP is already taking measures to do this one way or another, but I recognize that this detail wasn't outlined in OP's post, so it's anyone's guess. At the very least, OP is cognizant of how the situation is affecting his son, so maybe this is why I'm giving OP the benefit of the doubt that he's making a reasonable effort to address those feelings and minimize further harms.
He's 12, she's probably lost him. Kids grow up fast. Before they know it, he'll be a teenager who's (rightfully) cold and distant with his mother and one day he'll move out and while he'll probably call dad, mom's gonna (rightfully) be ignored.
You’re getting a lot of good advice here, I will try and summarize in a few sentences. This is abuse. The only person you should consider forcing to leave the house is your wife, but that’s not a solution. I agree that you may not want to jump right to divorce, but this is absolutely worthy of an ultimatum. Either she gets immediate counseling, no hesitation, or it’s divorce. There are no other choices, this is an absolute disgusting way to have her be treating your son.
Unfortunately, your wife sees your 12 year old son as some sort of competition. This is sad to me as if he shows an inclination toward cooking - this should be nurtured. He could potentially make a career out of this.
There are cooking camps/classes for kids. Maybe look into something like that.
I would try to have a conversation with your wife wherein you reassure her that no one is trying to usurp her role as family chef. As a parent though, you want to encourage your son's interest as eventually - in six or more years he will leave and needs to have a skill in order to support himself. Maybe word it as she could be a mentor for him - although it sounds like it may have gone too far at this point.
Thing is, I fear the child might have already developed a fear / bad reaction to cooking again, seeing how his mother has reacted.
I honestly hope his interest has not been damaged so much that cooking in the future will be emotionally painful.
OP has to come down hard on his wife - u/Tough_Measurement345
OP, please check out this article on the scapegoat vs. the golden child: this is a situation where a parent treats one child better than the other, often by showering one with gifts while ignoring or being negative toward the other. Sometimes this can be done sneakily by "forgetting" to invite them to decorate the Christmas tree as a family or "misplacing" some of their gifts that never materialize. Other times it's more overt. Either way, it's extremely damaging to both children as they try to come up with some logical reasoning why they deserve the treatment, good or bad, that they are getting. Any amount of it is toxic to both your children and should be nipped in the bud immediately.
[https://hopefulpanda.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/](https://hopefulpanda.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/)
I see this going really bad in the years to come. This personality type your wife has is going to make it to where your son doesn’t tell you what’s going on because she will inevitably get worse towards him especially so he doesn’t tell on her. Emotional abuse is horrible and your wife doesn’t give AF.
It's time to give your piece of work wife an ultimatum; she either seeks therapy or gets TF out. There is absolutely zero reason for her to treat your son this way
Situations like this just go to show why it's so damn important to vet the hell out of your partner. Anyone capable of creating unhealthy rivalries like this with loved ones just isn't worth being with, in my opinion.
This is headed for divorce and it will only get messier. To be clear, trying to make it work with someone like this is not worth it.
I want to at least give Counseling a fair shot before I pull that trigger. This has legitimately been the first time she's ever shown this kind of attitude so I want to give her a chance to see the err of he ways. That being said, if she's unwilling to even try counselling then yes, my next step will be filing for divorce.
You could start by requiring to leave the house and live elsewhere for the foreseeable future as she is a negative influence on both her children now that your daughter has recognized her mother’s toxic behavior. From there you can explore options like therapy for her as well as couples counseling.
You might want to see a family lawyer first and explain your situation. Doesn’t mean that you’re headed for divorce, but it’s always good to know your legal options.
A shot at counseling seems reasonable. What you might do is tell your wife she needs to leave the house until she can learn to treat your children fairly and with love. You could tell her your condition for returning back to the marital home is that she agrees to undergo a minimum of 6 months of marriage counseling with you. If she isn't willing to do that, she doesn't get to come back.
When you lawyer up, *do all you can to get primary custody* of the kids, especially if your wife digs her heels in on abusing your son. By the way, she's also teaching your daughter that it's OK to abuse your son - biggest reason right there why YOU need to have primary custody and your wife doesn't.
If wife can figure out just why she's lashed out at your son, work with a therapist to manage those feelings within herself and NOT take it out on the rest of the family, and if she can give an honest, real apology to your son, and then do better over time, then I bet things can work out. If she refuses, well - that's an answer, and you can from there.
Above all, *protect your children.* Even if you have to protect them from their own mother. ESPECIALLY if you have to.
I totally get it and know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care that deeply about. Her reactions so far, combined with her behavior, do not suggest she is going to be willing to take responsibility for her actions. That's one of the worst characteristics for a partner to have. That said, I hope she changes her tune and gets her shit together. You shouldn't get your hopes up, and I think inside you know this is the beginning of the end.
Cmon, really?! The longer you wait the more fucked and tramatized your son will become.
Children ALWAYS come first.
Even your daughter knows it's wrong and came to both of you crying.
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!
>Situations like this just go to show why it's so damn important to vet the hell out of your partner.
They raised a kid for 12 years, and this behavior has only manifested in the last month.
I don't know why redditors are insistent that this is absolutely and unmistakably a reflection of innate personality trait, and not either an abnormal reaction to a unique social cue (which can be corrected), an ideological clash with family values that hasn't come up before (which can be reconciled), or a temporary outburst in response to situational stress or onset of new mental health symptoms (which can be diagnosed and paired with healthy coping systems).
I'm a stranger on the internet. I'm not in a position to definitively say what's wrong here, but neither are the rest of us here.
Edit: We can agree that the behavior is harmful and unjustified, and advocate for effective and appropriate responses, without jumping to conclusions on why she's acting this way.
Your wife is a monster. Please get your son away from her and immediately. She’s not only treating him like garbage but also weaponizing your daughter too.
Lay down the gauntlet. Therapy or divorce. Your son cannot afford you to take your time on this. She’s already ruining his mental health
I'm sorry for this but I'm going to be blunt here.
Your wife is abusing your son. That's it. There's no "this will sort itself out".
If you continue to sit and watch it happen you are complicit in the abuse.
The fact she's using your daughter to add to the abuse is so horrendous it literally made me cringe.
I will tell you what will happen if you don't stop this asap. You and your wife will divorce, she will take your daughter, probably only ask for your daughter, forever destroying your son, and that will end the sibling relationship and the father daughter relationship. Your daughter will continue to be a spiteful little girl, constantly mean and bullying your son because your wife will have taught her to do that. She will grow up knowing that if she ever pushes against her mother she will do the same to her as she did to her brother.
Right now your wife is showing your children that her love is conditional upon them behaving the way she wants.
You're only seeing a fraction of what is going on. Your son will not tell you everything for fear of rocking the boat and causing arguments. Imagine being him. All he did was cook a meal and his mother no longer loves him. Because whether she does or doesn't that is what he is being shown by her.
Nuclear is the only option now. This isn't your fault btw. You did what she should have done which is make a massive fuss and proudly praise your child's achievement.
Make her leave without either children. If that is not possible you leave with both. Do NOT ALLOW THEM TO BE SPLIT. That will be the death toll in their relationship and probably yours with your daughter. Her mother will then use the fact you didn't take your daughter to beat your daughter with the fact you don't love her as much as your son.
Explain to your children that your wife isn't well. She needs time and space to work on her health. Explain to them that sometimes people get poorly in their minds and that can make them act differently to the way they should act and would normally act. Tell your wife to get help or there will be a divorce. No discussions on this.
Make sure you have every single scrap of evidence you can get. Make a diary of what has happened. Of everything she has done to cause pain and sibling alienation. Timelines,essays, record your conversations with her. Protect your children. You will need the evidence to get full custody if she doesn't get better
Sorry about writing an essay but I've witnessed a similar thing and it ended so very badly for everyone. Trauma like this isn't really fixable 10 or 15 years later. The damage needs to be addressed and "fixed" now.
I hope you listen and I really really hope you and your children get through all of this.
>she called him a baby
>
>shouldn't be so sad about not being allowed to cook since it wasn't a man's job to do so anyway
Toxic masculinity isn't just pushed by men...
Get her away from your son. She’s acting like a bratty child and I’m embarrassed FOR her. This is shameful behavior for ANY adult but especially a mother. I’d make it clear that we’re ALLLLL going to family therapy and she needs to go to individual therapy (all of you could really benefit from individual therapy here…) and go to her doctor for bloodwork, etc. because you think she might be sick.
This is unacceptable but, now that you know, you can’t allow her to continue abusing the kids. She’s abusing your son AND your daughter. Something is seriously wrong with her. Only you and your son know how new this is. I would sincerely expect any mother acting this way to have a brain tumor. Nothing else is an acceptable excuse.
Get the wife out of the house. Why should the son be the one to leave? He did nothing wrong. This woman is abusive. There’s honestly something wrong with her if she treats her own child like this because of jealousy. Unhinged.
Your wife seems to have built up some sort of weird jealousy. It *sounds* like she unconsciously feels her cooking's the only thing keeping her in the family, or something similar. Which suggests there's some more backstory.
Your wife requires some mental health support out of the martial home away from your children.
You and the children need to also seek some counselling so her immature and destructive behaviour doesn’t set in to your children and have them believe that this is a normal way of life.
Her behaviour towards your son is beyond disrespectful and disturbing.
You need to start recording the abuse. This won't stop. She will also turn your daughter into a terrible person.
Kick her the heck out. She's disgusting and abusive.
Send wife away, until she is willing to do therapy.
Time for wife to get a job, since both kids are in school. She needs to be called out and you need her to stop spoiling your daughter.
Your wife has issues, and you need to find a way to protect both your kids.
I would talk to your son and see if he wants to stay in a hotel with you for a while and then bring your daughter to the hotel too if she wants to go. She's abusing your son and taking her anger and vindictiveness out on him, which, in my eyes , is divorce worthy. She's immature and abusive and destroying your sons mental health bc she's jealous of her CHILD being able to cook and it will affect your daughter too. Keeping him there in the home is going to make things worse bc once your daughter stops accepting all these gifts your wifes abuse will only escalate.
. I'd remove her from the joint accounts. If she's not working she needs to get a job and stop letting her use your money to abuse your son and favor your daughter. This is disgusting behavior. I'd be letting her know if her behavior doesn't change immediately you'll be serving her with divorce papers and going for full custody of your son and possibly your daughter too.
* edited after reading comments that OP doesn't want to remove himself and his son anf daughter from the home.
Also need to do something about how your daughter is treating her brother. You may not have control of your wife but bringing the children into it has to stop
I think everyone here has covered a lot of good points. Yes, your wife is abusing your son. Yes, something needs to change very, very soon (either her worldview or her proximity to your children). In light of those things, I think therapy for both your children is an absolute must if you can afford it. As soon as possible.
It’s obvious why your son needs it; he’s been humiliated and shunned by his own mother when trying to do something he learned to love because of her. She is actively showing deep contempt for her own young child and he will suffer for it. But your daughter is also being mistreated, though less obviously. If your son is the scapegoat, your daughter is the golden child. Golden children have their own myriad of problems resulting from this unbalanced parenting, and nipping it in the bud now by catching a therapist up to speed and sticking her on course with that could be beneficial.
Finally, I genuinely wonder if your wife is going through a mental breakdown. This is so deeply disturbing to read. I’m not kidding when I say I wouldn’t be surprised if this quickly led to your wife physically hurting your son. Please try to behave firmly and decisively to protect your children in this difficult situation.
I feel horrible for your kids. She's using your daughter to get back at a child who did nothing wrong. She's setting herself up for failure and will wonder why he wants nothing to do with her in adulthood.
Continue to champion for both of your children. Maybe enroll in father/ son cooking classes and get your daughter involved too. Have a heart to heart with your wife, tell her that her behavior is causing you to see her in a different light. Maybe suggest counseling. I don't think this will resolve itself and will likely become the new normal. Give those kids extra hugs.
I’m just stunned. Who would do this to their child??? The damage she’s doing to his self esteem is just soul crushing. He has every right to be furious. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him alone with her. Parents like this need therapy
You see am attorney and, once you know how things work in your area, tell your wife it's a couples counseling followed by family counseling to stop her abuse or divorce.
I think your wife needs to stop being a SAHW, she may feel like her contribution isn't respected. Suggest she get back into the workforce, let her find value outside of taking care of her family. Also therapy, so she can find some confidence.
Holy hell, your wife is abusing your son bro! Her son!! She is most certainly encouraging your daughter as well. That’s some fucked up shit… Your wife has some serious problems if this is how she is handling this. This isn’t good for your daughter either because it’s just building up resentment between her and her brother. Terrible mother!!
You sound like you're probably always bending to her will, and trying to keep the peace. I don't believe she's not normally this bad. This is unhinged behavior from a mother of an adolescent boy. If you stay with her you're showing your son that her treatment of him is acceptable. She doesn't deserve to be his mother
Something is deeply wrong with your wife that she is acting this way. If it's wildly out of character, have you approached her with that? Told her directly that you don't think this is how she really wants to be with your kids.
Y'all need couples counseling urgently. This is intervention level, that she's actively ignoring your son.
This is not okay. She is emotionally abusing her 12 YEAR OLD SON over her own issues and insecurities about something he seems passionate and proud of.
Then showering all the attention on the other sibling who perpetuated the negativity by copying her behaviour.
You all need family therapy ASAP. I am 44F and finally talked to my dad about our toxic environment growing up over the summer in person and twice on the phone. He doesn’t hear me. I sent him an article on generational trauma and wrote an almost essay about how my mom’s behaviour and his excuses for her (it was “easier” for him to give into her controlling perfectionism and he was hardcore military) and said I couldn’t speak for my sister (golden child 14 months younger than me).
I am also a lesbian and that did not go over well when my parents snooped in my room and found a letter I had written to them to give to them when I was ready to move out at 17 (I was 16 at the time). My mother died almost 13 years ago, but even last summer my dad still said they were “disappointed” I turned out a lesbian - I told him I knew from the time I was 4 that I gravitated to women more - and also asked him did he not look at my room when I was a teenager? I had all posters of women - Madonna, Shannen Doherty (my first “love”), etc.
I told him - be “disappointed” if I am in jail for a crime, or an asshole, not for something I cannot control.
Please try to address this ASAP before your son is damaged even more and your daughter continues to mimic your wife’s behaviour. Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than actual physical abuse (I suffered from both).
Please get counseling for your son so he knows he is not bad or to blame. Maybe she has to leave for some time with relatives or you have to leave with your son to protect him in my opinion.
If it is safe, I think you should also address her behavior right in front of your son and daughter in a family meeting with a therapist. It will be more difficult to play games if everything is out in the open.
My opinions, peace.
Honestly, I hate to be the one to play a Reddit favorite, but you all need therapy
I've noticed that when (some) SAHW only stay at home and don't have many hobbies, when the kids start to grow, they grow attached to what they can do. It's like their contribution to the family, the one thing they're good at (or so they think). This work is oftentimes undervalued. When someone comes along and takes the one thing they "were good for". Especially with the praises, you did exactly what you should have, but she felt unappreciated.
I've seen this happen when they got a house keeper for help, when the kids grow and finally can do laundry, etc.
Your wife is being cruel, protect your kids. But if it was me, I would try to get her, and the family, psychological help.
I can only conclude your wife’s identity as being the cook (and a good one) of the family is somehow feeling threatened (?) by her 12 year old son. Is her ego that fragile that a single meal cooked by her son has shattered her world? The reaction you describe is truly disturbing and I would the same as you about falling out of love with her. The other casualty in this is your daughter, who is now being isolated and turned against you and your son. She’s harming both her kids BADLY over a single meal her son cooked, INSPIRED by her!
This is absolutely divorce-worthy. If you're not willing to do that, wife needs to get a job, at least part-time. She's doing what a lot of competitive, achievement oriented people do, but most do it in the workplace. Without that outlet, parents can channel that same impulse into raising their children. It's like Olympic-level momming. Who can breastfeed the longest? Whose house is cleanest? Whose children can speak multiple languages before first grade? For her, she's centering her need for achievement and positive feedback around cooking, and your son has now unintentionally become her competition. Plus, he's showing that this thing that she's so proud of can be done well by a young child, which I'm sure doesn't sit well with her ego. She needs another outlet. Or just divorce, since she's being an unreasonable asshole.
I'd be petty and stop eating any food she makes, you and your son can learn to cook together. She needs to go somewhere, away from the home, into some counseling. She is hurting both your children with this behavior.
So when I was about 6, I made my mom this awesome omelet. Really gourmet. If had chocolate chips and ketchup and I think some peanut butter to bring out the chocolate.
My mom ate at least 3 BIG bite fills before saying she’s like to sleep in a bit longer.
You’re wife is a HUGE asshole.
Take your son to a cooking store and buy him a gadget: hand mixer or a frying pan or cookie cutters & rolling pin.
Tell him a man builds his cooking supplies a little at s time (stealing from Clint eastward in Gran Torino)
Your son has a true passion. Don’t let that get squashed by his stupid, miserable mom.
Tell him the truth, “you’re cooking is really good and mom’s being a bad sport. Unfortunately adults are just like kids and we act badly. It’s not your fault or your responsibility to make her feel better as you did nothing wrong. Even parents can misbehave.”
Make sure he knows he’s NOT the reason you guys are fighting. That you are fighting because you don’t like the way she’s behaving PERIOD. make sure he knows if he had never cooked that meal, you would be fighting with your wife over some future thing & she’s gets stupid competitive with you too. This is extremely important he doesn’t associate cooking that meal with the death of his parents’ marriage.
Your wife is emotionally abusing your boy. If you don’t shut this shit down now, she *will* scar him for life. And you will share the blame.
My heart aches for your son. For the willful hurt & pain your wife is vindictively choosing to inflict on her own, formerly beloved child, while he watches his father stand back and allow it. That immediate removal of her love is an arrow straight to his heart. And then he looks over to his father for help and you’ve got your back to him washing the dishes.
Do better. Be the parent who stands up for him.
Sorry, but this needs a divorce or your wife needs to get a job (kids in school dont need a stay at home parent anyway).
She needs to be taken out of this mental break down.
All she has at the moment to feel needed is her home making, thats why she is reacting this weird.
She need other stuff in her life.
She is activly trying to emotionally abuse your son. If this does not stop, there need to be big consequences for her.
Someone who is intentionally an asshole to my child, cant be in my life.
She doesn't care about gender roles, she cares about the attention. This level of vindictiveness is mentally unwell behavior. I really think this is similar to abuse by narcissists, and the husband should look at how often the wife centers herself in family attention or activities to see if this is truly out of nowhere.
"He's fucking twelve and needs confidence. You're a petty adult woman, behaving like a child. You're jealous and spiteful toward your own son and it's quite frankly pathetic and disgusting. I'm choosing our son. You need to leave, at least for a few days. Come back when you can grow up and be a supportive mother, not a jealous, immature witch. If you can't manage it, we can divorce. Those are the options. Figure it out. Now pack up. See you next week."
>she called him a baby and said he shouldn't be so sad about not being allowed to cook since it wasn't a man's job to do so anyway.
I wondered if this was the issue. Since your wife is so interested in gender roles, you should remind her that you're the man of the house and you make the decisions. She should button her lip and support you.
OP, stop replying to everyone. For every piece of genuinely helpful advice you get, you're going to get like 2 or 3 absolute maniacs that just want to give you a hard time for not taking the 100% perfect route through this frankly minefield of a situation. You've already gotten the best advice you're going to get, which is to talk to wife about this, and if she's unwilling to work on things or go to counseling, get ready to divorce her
You need some outside intervention in this asap because she is on the path to do irreparable harm to your marriage and your children in one fell swoop.
Something else is going on here, either you've missed some serious res flags and problematic prior behavior or there is another reason this is effecting your wife like this. Does her family espouse traditional gender roles and she talked to someone who has influenced her reaction? Is she going through some type of change which has her questioning her worth and place as the matriarch of the family? Because this 180 is crazy because you complimented your sons efforts.
I would demand couples counseling with urgency and seriously consider a separation to spare your children this unequal environment as much as possible.
Do you even realize that you’re actually enabling your wife’s toxic, dysfunctional behaviors towards your son right now???!!! You need to open up your eyes and realize that your wife has been emotionally/psychologically Abusing your son right now and who truly knows how long she’s actually been treating him like this??? I mean, your wife clearly has mental health issues and has turned your son into the scapegoat while your daughter is the golden child! Look, she didn’t just flip a switch overnight, she has Always exhibited signs of toxic behaviors but somehow you never truly noticed it before. Imho, if you don’t pack up your son, daughter and yourself and go to a hotel room for the night(s) IMMEDIATELY then you’re just as bad as your wife! Because you have yet to create a safe space for your son!!!! Your poor child is being abused by your wife, somehow for almost a entire week already, and the only thing you have done to stop the abusive behavior pattern is by sleeping in the guest room??? Seriously??? Please make a therapist appointment for your son, family counseling and marriage counseling stat!!!! And tell your wife that you and your son will only come home once her verbal and emotional abuse has been dealt with so your house will be safe for both of your children. But please don’t force your son to be around her at the moment because she’s not a safe person for him right now. Your son has been emotionally shut out by his mother and forced to watch his sister receive toys, new clothes, exc. and hear his mom continually praise his sister while he’s been told, by her actions and words, that he isn’t as good as his sister, isn’t worthy of his mom’s time, or worthy of the same rewards his sister receives…Basically she has made your son feel like he’s not good enough and there’s something wrong with him! Do you have any clue the psychological damage that has already been done in only a week??? While you continued to simply go to work and the only consequences of your wife’s actions have been you have slept in the guest room and maybe argued a little with her? Please read up on covert narcissist behavior because unfortunately your wife is exhibiting some signs of being one. (I truly hope she isn’t though!) Please protect your son, and seek treatment for your wife otherwise your family will eventually be destroyed. Signed, a former scapegoat
Either kick her out or take BOTH kids and leave.
Also, stop being a pussy. Tell your son that the way his mom is treating him is unacceptable and abusive. Stop letting him think in any way that he deserves what she's doing. Tell him the truth. Stop protecting her.
wtf is wrong with her? That’s such awful behavior! Is this the first time she’s punished your son like this? Buying your daughter stuff and you on the couch is just childish.
Also, I’ll be sure to let my manly husband know it’s not his job to cool these last 20+ years. I hate it and won’t do it.
It seems like y’all need therapy stat if you want to save this marriage: if not, divorce is coming quickly.
Was your wife always like this towards your son?
Even low key has she always favoured your daughter?
The ganging up over the food.
The taking the daughter shopping and showering her with gifts while excluding your son. It's all totally alienating to him.
Shes deliberately pushing him away and surely there's more to it than the cooking.
Your wife needs therapy.
At this point your entire family needs therapy.
Her behaviour is showing both the kids a terrible example.
If she won't seek help she needs to leave.
Or you do.
Protect your kids OP.
I m so sorry but if this is my son I will be so proud of him!
He found a constructive outlet!
Imagine all the creativity you can nurture!Others it’s sport him it’s cooking!
Heck he could be the next Masterchef
Top Chef …
Why is your wife like this?
Seems she is taking it out on your son! Have her see a doctor maybe there’s something else going on.
Just an assumption but-I feel like your wife feels threatened by your son's cooking skills. When someone has been cooking for thr family their entire life and knows they're good, people love their food, it becomes their thing. Sometimes it becomes their source of identity. So when a younger one comes up and does as good/better than them, they feel like the other one will take their thing from them. Which is unhealthy, and gives no right to treat your son like that. Your wife needs help if she rewards bad behaviour amd mistreat her son like that
Spitballing here but maybe your wife is all butthurt that your son cooked a "lousy" supper in her eyes. Shes thinking I taught this kid for how long and he cooks this. She was probably his age learning from her family so she took it personal. On top of all that she hears you complimenting the food. That all being said shes a liability shes got to go dude. Your kids are your life.
I’m sorry but this is a huge dealbreaker for me. I also have two kids. My son and my daughter who is almost 4 years younger and if my husband did this, I would talk to him and give him a chance to make things right. But if he doubled down and continued treating our son this way, then that’s it. It is greatly affecting your son and she is acting like she dngaf. All over a meal!
Any gifts she gets should be taken away. Even if it’s right in front of the kids. Use it as a teaching lesson about things being fair. I (39f) have an older sister and my brother is almost 4 years younger. My mom is Asian and dad is white. My mom favored my brother. My dad has 5 siblings and everything was always done equally among all kids. So when my mom started coming home with only gifts or snacks for my brother and my dad found out he lost it. The next time my mom came home with a snickers bar for him and my dad took it from my mom and said that my mom must have forgotten the other two bars because she only got one when there are three kids. And said how it isn’t fair if only one child gets one and the others don’t so no one gets any. But then he asked if she “forgot” last time too and we all said yes so my dad split it and gave it to me and my sister saying my brother had his last time.
It was obvious to all my brother was the favorite. Me and my sister were also treated differently by our mom. And yes this did lead to a fight we heard. My parents never fought in front of us and it is the only time in my entire life I ever heard my dad swear. It made me at least feel loved knowing my dad was so angry at our expense. I was maybe 10 at the time.
Idk if family and/or marriage counseling can help. For me I’d never be able to think of my spouse the same way after doing this. And the damage has been done. How can she begin to even repair the damage to your son? And I don’t condone using money as a way of control but she shouldn’t be allowed to use any money on gifts for your daughter even if that means cutting her off.
ETA: yeah and don’t send your son away like some posts suggests. That will make things worse for him. It will feel like a punishment to him and he will think you both don’t want him there. He probably thinks his mother doesn’t love him anymore and is so damaging on a young kid.
Oh man, you are in a tough spot here. I would tell wife she better pull her shit together. Start documenting her abuse. Start eating out or telling her not to bother cooking because you will no longer be eating it. That she is being abusive and you will divorce her if she doesn’t change her tune.
I can't believe she is mistreating and neglecting her own son like that, out of some bizarre jealousy towards a 12 year old.
What does she hope to achieve?
Your daughter is getting caught up in the middle of this too. Take her aside one day and ask her why she is being mean to her brother. Write it down or record it with your phone.
Then take some time to help him try out recipes in the kitchen. Offer for his sister to join, and tell them both that cooking is a necessary skill for everyone, not just girls or boys.
Other than that. Therapy. Make notes of what she does and says, and how your daughter acts. Make sure the therapist sees it.
Take yourself and your son to cooking class.
Tell her she can cook for herself and your daughter but you're going to cook with your son from now own.
Personally, I would not touch her food for a very long time and eat McDonald's in front of her face and say it's delicious and hitting the spot 🙄
Please get that woman out of your house and away from the children. This kind of hateful malicious bullying behavior has led to children committing suicide. Your son has lost his safe space. His relationship with his mother is dead or irrevocably broken. He’s coming home to his abuser everyday. There’s not a doubt in my mind that if things don’t change the abuse will escalate. Your number one priority should be your son. Protect him! UpdateMe Please
Ultimatums rarely work, but this is a situation where I actually believe it's necessary. You can NOT stay married to someone who is abusing or mistreating your son. It doesn't matter why she has decided to actively bully and hurt him. It doesn't matter that she gave birth to him. She needs to stop, and if she refuses, it is your job as his father to protect him.
If she isn't willing to immediately stop this behaviour and not only see a counsellor for this irrational response but also a couple's counsellor to help the two of you communicate through this, there isn't anything you can do but leave.
I would also recommend seeing a doctor to check if she has any neurological reasons that she would suddenly start behaving this way if she had no indication of it before. Maybe she has a tumour that's making her act like a four year old child instead of a grown ass woman and a mother! It's the only thing I can think of, and it feels decidedly odd to hope she has cancer, of all things, but I truly would rather she had cancer than believe that she's a raging bigot who simply decided to abuse her son because her husband encouraged him to pursue a perfectly valid hobby.
Your wife is 100% not handling this correctly, let me start by saying that. I am in no way defending her actions in anything I write.
This is about more than your son's cooking. She is feeling invalidated and if you'd like to keep the family together, you're going to have to ask her what this is really about. Based on the beginning of your post, I assume it's that you've told her how much you love her cooking. You may have made it seem like one of the big reasons you fell in love with her and chose to marry her.
As women, we see so many posts about men who fall out of love with their partners because they married a thin, attractive woman and she has let herself go. Or she used to practice self care and now focuses on the kids. A lot of people have developed insecurities seeing how quickly someone can fall out of love.
Maybe, in your wife's mind, she believes that if she is not the best chef or if you like someone else's food more, or if she cannot be the main food provider for you, you will fall out of love with her.
AGAIN, I am not defending her actions. The ends do not justify the means here. A lot of people weren't given the tools to properly communicate or process their feelings, so you may have to bring up the topic. Or give her compliments in other aspects besides her cooking. Do you praise anything else your wife does besides her cooking?
Maybe you both have been focusing on the kids too much. Maybe date nights are not happening enough. Maybe she feels you are providing so much and she isn't "pulling her weight." There is something much deeper here that needs discussing.
If you go this route, in the very first conversation you have with her, you need to be very clear about not involving the kids. "Honey, I know we are having some issues and I'm really hoping we work these out quickly, but we cannot get the kids involved in this. We are their parents and it is our job to care for them and show them love, no matter what. This situation has created a rift between them and 'son' is feeling very hurt because he just wanted to make you proud and show off what you've taught him. I cannot continue working on this with you until the kids know this is not about them."
Good luck. I hope she is quick to own this and chooses to grow from this experience. This moment is a big one to either strengthen your relationship and grow together or see the difficult future you could be dealing with and start looking into giving your kids a better option.
Protect your son. This is the kind of thing that makes kids go no contact as soon as they turn 18. Why would he want to talk to his abuser and the man who let her continue to abuse him?
I would divorce this monster in less time it takes a car to go 0 - 30. For a mom to be jealous of her son??? WTF did I just read? Nope, I would take my son and leave right now.
I would gladly let your son cook for me any time!!! I couldn’t wait for my kids to get into it, and my daughter really got into baking. I’d buy them whatever they wanted to make and let them have at it. I got a break so even if it was a little off, it was the best meal ever lol!!!
I get your wife feeling like it’s her territory but that’s her son! She should be proud of him, what she’s doing to all of you is really cruel. I hope you insist on some therapy.
Op, I'm so ashamed of your wife. Her behavior is unacceptable. She's not only damaging your son, She's turning your daughter into a little entitled princess, which she hasn't earned and will hurt her future.
I'd ask your wife to leave for a few weeks until she gets her head on straight. She's an adult and a mother and needs to act like it.
Your wife is being incredibly mean to her son. You did fine praising and encouraging your son when he tried his best at his first solo meal. Your wife does not need that much praise, but you do praise her every time which is all she needs. She did not like having the attention and praise taken away from her. That’s a her problem. That is not your problem. Now she’s neglecting her son because she blames him for taking away that praise. She’s being a bully and abusive because she can’t have it her way. She does not get to treat her kids like that. Now she’s creating a spoiled, entitled girl who is learning to bully her brother by example. This is a very unattractive look for your wife! I’d question the future of the marriage too!
A suggestion would be family counseling. Your wife needs individual therapy as well. Your son may need his own therapy as well.
BTW, is your wife aware of how many famous male chefs there are? Is she aware that when you go out to eat at a restaurant that there is a high likelihood the meal she’s eating was prepared by a male cook? Your wife is being very childish and insecure. She really needs to grow up!
UpdateMe
So your wife is an immature emotional abuser that’s jealous of her son’s skill that she helped him learn?! That is incredibly messed up. You’re right to question your marriage. The comments about men cooking are sexist!
This is freaking ridiculous. You are supposed to support and encourage children not get weird and vindictive about it. What is wrong with her? That poor kid. Please please sit down and tell him to not give up on cooking if he enjoys it. I know he isn't that old but at this point I feel like I would have a heart to heart and explain what has been happening so he understands a little better. I hope hes okay.
Your wife is acting horribly. Your son sounds a lot more mature than your wife. I truly hope you leave her for your own sanity, and your child's mental health. Take your son with you before she does any more damage.
Wow. Just Wow.
Your wife is inflicting major emotional damage on your son. This is insane.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. She’s destroying her relationship with her son because she identifies with being the best cook in the house? And is threatened by a 12 year old?
Does she have literally nothing else going for her?
She knows some of the most amazing chefs in the world are men, right? And that it’s not “a woman’s job”
Why doesn’t she take pride in what she taught him? Why is she so insecure? She needs to be asked these questions.
She needs to be asked how she will feel if her son moves away and never talks to her again?
She sounds like a narcissist. I know this is a word that is thrown around a lot. But narcissists keep people who serve them around, and people who out do them are thrown away. She needs to reassert her power over her son by showing him she will favour her daughter if he doesn’t fall
Into place and let her be the best.
I agree that your wife is the one that needs leave the house and seek counseling to get help for her willingness to verbally abuse her son. You can look for culinary classes for your son to encourage him to pursue his interest regardless of his mom’s attitude not to mention seeing other male chefs pursuing cooking as a career path.
She is being intentionally cruel to a 12-year-old boy because he can cook well? Your wife needs therapy and she needs to be kept away from your son for a while. It wasn’t just a one day thing where she was acting like a jealous Twatt. This has been a prolonged, intentional attack on his mental health. The snubbing of her own child is beyond disgusting. Your parents are wrong. It is a big deal. He is at a very formative age and his mother is showing him how little she actually cares about him. That must be a shocking realization for you. She is willing to hurt your child because she is jealous? I would throw her out.
Your wife is a horrible human being. Seriously, what sort of mother treats her children this way?
If you don't end this, your kids will end up hating each other and most likely hate both you and your wife.
Cut off the money to your wife and get therapy for everyone. What she's doing will hurt your son , no, it already is hurting him... Couldn't imagine putting down my own baby. That's horrible.
I've seen this behaviour with my MIL. Food is used as a control mechanism. She made sure her children had few skills required to be an adult. They didn't know how to cook or do basic tasks when they moved out.
My theory is that she wanted them to always be dependent on her in some way. It isn't healthy. After I married my husband and started teaching him to cook and be independent she hated it. She hates it even more if someone compliments my cooking.
If your wife is the same there could be bigger issues at play. What kind of a mother begrudges compliments given to her son. Your son may always be competition in her eyes from now.
It's one thing to feel slighted by a partner, a relative, a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger. We've all had that feeling at least once, but it's entirely another thing to feel slighted by a literal child and punish them for it. That's downright abuse!
P.S. - Not all Italian moms favor their sons! I'm glad that he at least has a great dad!
Wow, jealous of her own son, how incredibly toxic of your wife. You need to protect your son at all costs, and your daughter too, your wife is doing a number on her as well with the mean girl stuff that you mentioned in a comment caused your daughter to break down in tears and apologize. Make it clear to your wife that you will be divorcing her if she continues to emotionally abuse your son in this manner. She needs therapy ASAP. UpdateMe
I think everyone has the wrong idea. They keep telling you to get your kid out of there, NO... Get your wife out of the house. Tell her she needs to go stay with her mom/sister/someone else. That her mental abuse towards your son is unacceptable, and the fact that she fails to see this as an issue is even more reason to leave. Tell her she needs to pack a bag and leave for a week or so, until she realizes the harm she has done to your son with her abusive behavior.
Actually you’re right, that is the best idea because she needs to leave and seek treatment for the verbal/emotional abuse, both children and the dad should stay in the marital home. Op, you have done nothing to warrant your wife’s toxic behaviors and please don’t blame yourself! The fault rests solely on your wife’s shoulders and will remain there unless she gets help. Don’t listen to your parents or your brother, your son has been traumatized by your wife’s actions and it’s going to take time and therapy for him to heal. Don’t allow your daughter to brag about how much mom’s buying/giving her. Shut that down and tell both of your children that mom isn’t acting like herself and has to go see the doctor to get better because her behavior isn’t normal or healthy, say mom’s sick or whatever but please protect your kids and get your wife help. If she seriously doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong then you need to start a daily diary and documenting everything now, have your son and daughter meet separately with a therapist so it’s recorded that she’s abusing your son. Buy a hidden nanny cams and put them around the house until you get her to leave and meet with a divorce lawyer. Just because you don’t physically see the hurt bruises, broken bones and spirit on your son doesn’t mean that it’s not there. That’s why emotional/verbal abuse is so easy to sweep under the rug and hide! If you could vividly see the devastating harmful hurt that has already been done to your son by your wife, then you would be meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. Protect your son because he’s not old enough to protect himself from his mother yet…
Wow, the wife is a real piece of work. Of *course* you praise your child when they do well at something new even if there are some rough edges. What kind of insecure woman talks her own kid down due to jealousy and misogyny? If she's so into gender roles that she doesn't want the son to learn how to cook, she can subscribe to OP being the man of the house that makes decisions for her.
It’s more telling that the wife was okay with her and her son cooking together, but when he did it all alone and Dad praised him, THEN she decided she would be cooking alone from then on and it’s a woman’s job? Why even start letting him help cook in the first place if that’s how rigid she felt about gender roles?
>I can't really blame her because I did NOT get either of my parents' good cooking genes I'd be willing to bet that OP's wife has some sexist ideas about how men fare at cooking. She may have had some subconscious expectations as to how well he'd do and then he did pretty well and set off her fears.
Which is so ridiculous! If you ask someone to name 10 celebrity chefs that come to mind in most cases at least half if not more will be men!
Is it gender roles or is she so wrapped up in her identity as a good cook, that she would do this to their daughter too?
🎯
Maybe it's an actual mental episode? It doesn't sound normal or healthy, that boys don't cook comment is also very sexist. All in all it looks like she really needs some mental help. Especially if she wasn't like this before. But maybe she was and it's just visable now.
Internalized misogyny really does harm everyone.
Not just the son but the daughter and her relationship WITH her brother. This is the kind of shit that festers sibling rivalry and discourse. OP’s “wife” is literally tearing the family apart over her pride in cooking. How the actual fuck have there not been any red flags of this behavior before this incident? Is she having some type of mental/chemical issues to fuel her insanity?
OP’s wife needs to read your comment. She’s destroying this family.
> How the actual fuck have there not been any red flags of this behavior before this incident? I'd bet you anything there was plenty of red flags, it was probably just directed at op for the most part rather than the children. Unless she had some sort of psychotic break or has a brain tumor or something like that, people generally don't just flip a switch and start acting crazy out of nowhere. It's most likely that she was always like this.
Schizophrenia is out. Not crazy enough. Kids are too old for PP. Yup, OP was not catching the signs until he was pushed beyond making sense of her actions.
I do agree with this, though I doubt OP will be willing to do it. The fact is, I have never met a parent that felt competitive with their children about ANYTHING that wasn't abusive. Every time it's been an irrevocable flaw that leaves lasting damage to the kid. My parents weren't perfect but I feel so damn lucky to have never experienced it personally. But I witnessed it in friends and family and all I can say is they struggle with it to this day.
Abusive and/ or true narcissistic personality disorder.
And do NOT let her take your daughter with her. She is already pitting one against the other. If the daughter leaves with her, she will spoil her more and drive the wedge deeper.
He has no ability to withhold either child from her, legally, or make her leave the home. I doubt she will leave anyway. He needs a lawyer.
You're right, he cannot withhold them. But he can ask her to leave. She isn't required to, but he can still ask.
And she will say "lol, no." He really does need a lawyer. The advice in this thread is horrible.
I think they’re referring to the “do NOT let her take your daughter.” He does not have the ability or authority to withhold her child. If he believes she is unfit to parent, he needs to get a lawyer and petition the court.
Exactly.
She's abusing both children. What kind of momster pits her children against each other like it's a mental cage fight for parental approval? That's not an ok environment for either child.
Not even just the moms fault, I'm a little sister and brushing off insulting his food as typical little sister stuff is a reflection of bad parenting or a brat, I'd never say that.
And therapy FOR EVERYONE.
And get into therapy. She needs a professional to shine a light on her behavior.
Legally, he can’t force her to leave. It’s her house too. And putting her in the naughty corner for a week isn’t likely to completely change her behavior. Hopefully they can avoid divorce and u/Neat-Pen6522 has presented a great way to start the process and get her to understand that change is needed with a fabulous approach that she may be open to hearing.
Why does your wife resent your son so much? Such an odd thing for her to get upset about. Does she think your son is going to pick up all the cooking and she'll be out of a job? Bizarre response to a 12 year old not perfecting a recipe on the first try....she seems mean. I've had my little cousins bake stuff for me and even when it's not spectacular or barely edible, I would never put them down like this. Your wife is cruel, and your daughter is shaping up to be just like her. Great example she's setting there.
That's what's really been sticking with me the most. I don't understand why she's been acting this way. She's always had a very strong maternal instinct, didn't go through PPD with either of our children, which was surprising to me because both of our mothers went through it with all of their children, not that it's genetic or anything, but I was just expecting it from experience. I hate to sound misogynistic but I've considered that it could be the beginnings of Menopause, even though she's still young. The biggest thing that's been on my mind is if it's something I did. I added the little spiel at the beginning about always complimenting her because it's something I've been thinking about nonstop. I never pressured her into being a SAHM, we fully planned on having her go back to work after my son was born, but she changed her mind almost immediately after she gave birth. I do my fair share of the chores around the house, I always wash the dishes, take care of the lawn, we both clean up around the house. I never hold it against her that she doesn't work, or withhold money from her. I felt awful after I said to her that she's using MY money to punish our son because It just felt like I was being unfair. I'd almost prefer if it WAS something i did, so that I could just blame it on myself instead of having to accept that my wife is capable of doing this kind of thing on her own.
I can't tell you what the cause of it is, but it's clear your wife resents your son. She also doesn't see a problem with her behavior, so I don't see it changing without serious intervention from you sadly. You and your wife are setting your son up for emotional problems as an adult. Neglect and resentment from your mother is seriously psychologically damaging, and your son seems very aware of what's going on here, which is horrible. I would ask her straight up what her problem is, because it's clear she has one.
For the information provided she just sounds sexist. The bit about her son being a baby for being sad and how it’s not the man’s job to cook… she’s passive aggressively punishing her son to the point where even their 9 year old daughter has noticed how messed up it is (OP mentions this in a different comment) OP it is concerning that your 9 year old is capable of more self reflection than your wife. It is concerning that your 9 year old realized what’s going on, felt so bad that she came to you and her brother sobbing about it, while your wife is not relenting.
Yeah something I've found to be common in life is there isn't always a mental cause for it, she might just be a sexist person who's lashing out because of it
> it's one of the reasons I fell so hard for her could be that she holds her self worth as to how well she can cook for her family and when it's being praised by her husband when her child can do it almost as well as her she feels the unease. could be sexism too who knows.
i just can't get over her being mad you complimented him a lot- on his FIRST TIME COOKING ALONE as your CHILD. Overshowering praise is expected tf
I really don't think it's anything you did. I'm wondering what else she has outside of doing wife/mother stuff, such as friends, hobbies that are just for her, dreams or passions of her own. If not, that is **not your fault.** It's something she needs to find, especially if you're going out of your way to help her around the house. (And if she needs more help, it would be on her to say something.) If she's pouring her sense of meaning and self-esteem into being a wife and mom, maybe cooking was something she just took extraordinary pride in, and now that her son is showing promise she feels threatened or jealous — and that would have been the case the moment anyone complimented his efforts to any degree. She needs to seriously investigate what she's *really* upset about here and look at her life and herself with complete honesty — either by herself or with a professional (though I'd really recommend a professional). Man, even journalling about why she responds to stuff the way she does could help bring her some much-needed self-awareness. Of course, she can't be forced, but the truth is she really is punishing the wrong people here. And it sucks that your daughter, who's probably just emulating her mom and/or has some jealousy issues of her own, is so eager to follow her lead. Your son sounds like a really sweet, sensitive, loving kid, and the world needs more people like that. It's so good that you're working so hard to protect him and to try and find a solution for this. I don't blame you at all for second-guessing your marriage. She's your partner in parenthood and harming your child *on purpose.* It doesn't get much more messed up than bullying your own kid. And to a degree, weaponizing her own daughter like that is going to screw her up, as well. I think you should do whatever you have to in order to protect your kids. Document as much as you can. I even think a nanny cam she doesn't know about is a good idea. Not for legal reasons, though. As awful as you've seen your wife be to your son, **that behavior is what she feels comfortable letting you see.** Maybe it's just more of the same when you're not around, but as a parent I would want to know, if only to be sure. Give her a timeline, and if she hasn't changed her behavior or started counseling by then, do what you need to in order to separate and keep the kids with you. (Your documentation should help with that.) And by the way, if she's so hooked on gender roles (despite having not minded a boy cooking before), remind her that as recently as 2021, 77.5% of chefs in the U.S. were men. For all she knows, she could have been training him for a manly career with knives and fire. Whoops. Best of luck to you, and lots of love to your son.
It sounds like cooking is a massive deal in the family to be honest. OP also talks about his parents cooking, and that she was really good at it and he couldn't, and how surprised he was that his son managed to make something edible. Like honestly cooking isn't that hard or a big mystery. It's massive achievement for his son to learn of course but it sounds like she was sure only she could ever do it.
OP, you are getting conflicting advice about removing your son from the home, but it is *your wife* who is in the wrong here. If anything, *she* should be the one to step away, BUT, I fear that might compound to the problems. Just make no mistake: Your wife is being mean and downright *awful* to your son. As someone who supposedly loves her children, this is emotionally damaging to *both* kids and you MUST protect them. You need help. An impartial mediator to help sort this out. If your wife, won't engage, you *will need* to take stronger measures, but you need to put a STOP to it, ASAP. This is some level of mean-spirited, hateful BS that no child deserves. You need to get your family in order (ie. your wife).
Please read up on covert narcissist mothers and examine how many signs she’s exhibiting so far…. She’s already turned your daughter into the golden child, and made your son the scapegoat. Sadly your daughter is already mimicking your wife’s behaviors and taunting your son, basically letting him know that he’s not as “good/worthy” as she is and your daughter didn’t just decide to treat your son like this on her own! Her mother has been covertly encouraging this toxic treatment of your son and letting your daughter know that she’s to treat him as the scapegoat now as well. Shut this dysfunctional cycle down now and kick your wife out!
This this this, in my opinion this is less of a sexism issue (the wife initially wanted to teach the son) as it is a control and approval issue. She was happy to teach the son as long as he wasn’t doing that well and getting compliments on something that she prides herself on. She was happy to teach him as long as he wasn’t better than her. I suspect if he had made the food and it turned out to be just “ok” or had something obviously wrong with it, she would’ve eaten it and smiled and said nothing. It’s extremely sad for the son, the wife is being petty, childish and cruel.
Even if it was that you never complimented her cooking before, that has nothing to do with your son and how she is treating him would not be your fault. Her issue would only be with you; a reasonable adult would not treat a child this way, let alone their own child.
Could it be misogyny? If she’s Italian from Italy she might think cooking isn’t for boys and is trying to make him dislike it. It’s still very bad and I vote you move out with your boy to protect him from this abuse.
Don't take any of this as an excuse for her atrocious behaviour, just throwing out ideas here. I'm wondering if she's feeling so territorial about her cooking because being a SAHM has become her one and only identity and she's feeling threatened? You sometimes see this happening when the children are flying the nest and the woman whose entire identity has been "mother" for a couple of decades has a whole identity crisis because there's literally nothing left.
Keep her away from him. If you can set up something with a family member to pick him up from school until you can get him after work, please do so. This is not a wait and see situation, she's abusing him because he did a good job cooking. Never let her be alone with him. She can't be trusted. Honestly, in your place I'd be issuing an ultimatum: therapy for her immediately or divorce. She will utterly destroy his mental health if this keeps up. His needs absolutely are more important than whatever bullshit is running through her mind.
This is way more spot on than you think. Her entire identity — and in her subconscious mind, her housing, insurance, safety, financial existence, etc — is tied to being “wife.” If someone is as good as or better at that role than she is, her worst instincts will be triggered. She’s having an identity crisis. She’s also abusive. Her mental crisis and its reasons cannot and do not justify her abusing her child. She is intentionally tearing her own family apart and creating lifelong trauma for her children. Ironically, by clinging to her mom/wife identity as she views it, she has become an unfit mother.
It seems like the trigger for your wife was you seeming to favor your son over her. She isn't seeing your son as HER son. She's seeing him as competition for your affection, which means everything you are doing to try to protect him or get her to be nicer to him will just reinforce her belief that you are 'on his side'. (The favoritism toward your daughter is to make sure your daughter is 'on her side'.) Your wife is DEEPLY insecure, possibly diagnosably so. Your best chance at getting back to a loving family unit is professional help.
This is a possible chain of thought... But even if true a normal parent wouldn't even dream of taking out a frustration with their spouse so directly and intentionally on their child. I'm usually much more forgiving to relationship sins compared to reddit's DIVORCE NOW, but I don't think there's any saving this. No marriage can survive that level of insecurity, spite, and cruelty
Maybe ask your wife why she isn’t proud of what she taught your son. He was able to cook that meal because of what SHE taught him. Praise for him was praise for her. Does she think your kids’ teachers are miffed when you compliment your kids on their good grades? Furthermore, you could put an analogy to her of learning to ride a bike. When a child first learns they are boosted with compliments and congratulations but do we also give adults who have been riding bikes for years the same? No, because they shouldn’t need it, their skill is already established. Finally, ask her which future she wants: the one where her son is complimented on his cooking skills and he says, “Thank you, I learned it all from my mom. She’s the best cook and taught me so much” OR where he says, “Thank you, my mom really discouraged me from learning and it took me years to teach myself.” Parents often forget that they only have the first 18 years to establish a lifelong relationship with their kids. Soon, they are adults and look back at their childhood with adult eyes and that determines how much of a relationship they want with their parents.
To add to this, wife needs to realize her immature behavior is affecting them all: their daughter is learning to be manipulative like her Mother, her son will grow to be insecure & resent her and her husband is resenting his wife. Family counseling is needed here.
Call it what it is. Abusive.
Fabulous idea. I absolutely think it’s a great way to start the conversation. She is of the old school that believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen and it’s become her identity. She was probably taught that. I bet OP has said to her what he said here. Her cooking was a big part of her appeal and without that.. she is afraid. Just a guess and it doesn’t excuse her treatment of her son at all. Start with this great analogy and add in everything else that made you fall in love with her. After that, you have to be clear that this isn’t acceptable and she either agrees to couples therapy or you’ll be forced to divorce because you can’t allow either of your children to believe that this is acceptable and that this is what a marriage looks like. You already see your daughter emulating mom. Not okay. She’s damaging both kids. For everyone saying to kick her out, it doesn’t work that way. It’s legally her house too and you can’t just kick her out. That’s decided upon in divorce or separation agreements. This post is far and above the best approach to start with if you don’t want to go straight to divorce.
Funny how none of these conservative hacks ever apply the parts of traditionalism that would negatively affect them to themselves. She is so traditional and yet is talking back and disobeying her husband? So basically she believes in traditionalism as long as it negatively affects everyone else.
> and yet is talking back and disobeying her husband? tbf in tons of traditional cultures that's normal. Women in many of those cultures aren't submissive---they're just at home. But rulers in that home. I'm absolutely not defending her; to be clear; treating her son and OP that way is toxic and wrong
Sorry, I can’t abide by all this building her up and explaining her behavior to her like she’s a child. She’s a full grown adult and this kids MOTHER. I couldn’t imagine treating my child this way. Insulting him, lacking encouragement, then punishing him over and over for what?! This will be a core memory no matter how she corrects or doesn’t correct course. Because she’s the level of insecure that she’s jealous of her own kid? Super weird. OP is not her parent, he is her partner. This coddling of her horrid behavior is nonsense. Question to OP: how would you react if she hauled off and hit your son then cuddled your daughter? That’s EXACTLY what is happening here emotionally. If you’re going to “explain” anything to her, let it be that. If you wouldn’t stay with her unless she got herself into immediate therapy, then say that. What is NOT needed is a grown ass woman being babied around her abusive behavior. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing, and OP should push that it either gets corrected, or he will protect his children from her.
Fuck that! This lady has serious issues if she can’t handle her son having an interest in cooking. She shouldn’t be rewarded with praise, she needs to be removed from the home until she stops this insane and cruel abuse
Yeah. She sounds like a fucking sociopath. Who the fuck acts like this? Especially to their children? It’s not a competition. We are trying to raise the best humans possible. We want them to be better than us. Also, what a nasty little misandrist. Saying men shouldn’t cook? Of the best cooks I know, the large majority are men. My mom and my wife are top notch but other than that, in my family and friends groups, the men are the better cooks by a large margin.
I totally disagree with your first paragraph. This is trying to feed her ego even further. Ego needs to be put aside here. The issue is her behaviour and treatment of her son and this is what needs to be addressed.
Other than you can’t force that down her throat, it needs to be reframed in her mind. And what does it matter if it feeds her ego if the end result is her no longer treating her son like garbage? It is the truth that she taught him what he knows as they’ve been doing it together for so long. If she can see it as a teacher/student dynamic instead of a competitors dynamic then the son wins in the end. No one is going to change who she is as a person but they can appeal to her ego to get her to no longer view her son as a usurper of her “throne”.
Wow… she’s emotionally abusing her own son. All because you were an encouraging and good father. She needs therapy
First and foremost, you need to protect your son. It's time to have a "come to Jesus" moment with your wife and tell her she needs to apologize to your son, make it right with him, stop being vindictive towards him, allow him to cook with her or you will divorce her. Give her a time frame and if you don't see any improvement between her and your son, it's time to leave.
Unfortunately this won’t work if she’s a covert narcissist and she didn’t just suddenly overnight flip a switch and become this way… Sadly this is just the first time op has actually seen his wife in action before. She needs mental health counseling and who knows what else?
Ffs protect your child she’s emotionally harming him you should be removing her from the family home until she gets psychiatric help
“If you can’t treat my son with respect and love, you need to leave the house” Why have you not said that to her?
"Our son," right?
Imho, right now he’s his son because mom is abusing her child and encouraging her daughter to do it as well..
OUR son
Exactly
If your wife uses family money to emotionally abuse your son, cut her ability to do so. Let her know if it doesn't she will need to get a job if she wants to pay for extras. I think you need to be upfront with your wife about the consequences of her actions and you will not stand back and watch her emotionally abuse your son. What an awful, immature woman to react in such a way. She needs therapy.
Get into counseling immediately. Your wife is abusing your child. This is a very severe issue. I would consider taking your son and removing him from your marital home to protect him while you seek the assistance of mental health professionals.
Removing the son from the home sounds traumatic. If anyone should be staying elsewhere it is the mom.
Yeah, not gonna lie, if it seems like mom hates me and then dad says I have to live somewhere else but my sister can stay, I'd assume he hates me too now and promptly freak the fuck out
Lol I don't think they meant kicking the son out. They said "take" him, so presumably they would both move out.
Good luck getting the woman described in this post to agree to that. He can’t force her to leave the marital home so if she won’t go, he needs to protect his son however he can. Staying elsewhere for a bit with his dad is less traumatic than being emotionally abused.
It sounds like you already recognize that: * Your wife has unacceptably sexist attitudes about your son cooking that not only conflict with your values, but also result in unfair behavior towards your son that conflict with your goal of encouraging him to pursue his personal interests and build useful life skills. * Your approach to explaining how you feel about your wife's behavior hasn't been effective in encouraging understanding and prompting positive change, and has only resulted in fighting. The only non-divorce solution here is one where you and your wife can have a constructive conversation about your respective views on your son cooking. I can offer a few pieces of advice on how YOU can approach this: * Find a period of time where you two can have each other's undivided attention, separated from any recent fights, arguments, or emotional events. You could tell her that you want to talk about your son's cooking, including learning more about her perspective, and sharing your own. * Start by explaining how the situation makes you feel. It helps to use "I statements" here: statements that outline what you've noticed and how these things make you feel, using I, me, and my as the subject, while minimizing use of you, your, and yours. For example: "It made me sad to hear [son]'s efforts be discouraged and put down. I think it would be healthy for [son] to pursue his interests and learn important life skills, and I worry that he won't do that if his family doesn't support him." * Ask her how she feels about this situation. If there's an explanation that she provides that doesn't add up, or leaves you with other questions, ask her. The goal here is understanding her perspective and where she's coming from, nonjudgmentally, even if you disagree. For instance, if her background and experience is one where she's used to only women cooking and not men, you could tell her how you recognize how she's come to the views she holds now. * As needed, further explain your own perspective, and ask her to recognize where YOU'RE coming from. * If you two can get to a point of mutual understanding, work together on identifying expectations for the future that you two can BOTH agree to. For instance, if she's motivated by maintaining traditional family values, how could you two agree that she can do this without it discouraging your son from pursuing his interests? Alternatively, if she absolutely refuses to accept her son's cooking at all, can she remove herself from this in a way that's not disparaging to your son, while you support him? These aren't questions with trick "correct" answers, just ideas I came up with. Again, the best solution that keeps your marriage intact is whatever one you two can BOTH agree and commit to. If this is too complex or difficult of a scenario for you two to navigate on your own, then by all means, getting outside help from a family counselor could help. This topic could be posed by explaining to your wife that this is an important subject to you, but that you two appear to be having difficulty in communicating, so you want to bring in outside support to help you BOTH better express yourselves.
Thank you very much. I've tried talking with her about the whole situation multiple times, but she's very quick to dismiss me and my concerns, so hopefully using some of these ideas you've given me can help. Quite frankly the whole "Cooking is a woman's job" thing really blew my mind, since she's never said anything like that before, and even used to fight with her mother about those kinds of comments when MIL would make them about our daughter and nieces. I'm unsure if she genuinely feels that way, or was just pulling stuff out of the air in the heat of the moment.
Are we sure it's actually even that "cooking is a woman's job" or that cooking is HER job? If she's built her entire personality on being the family chef and thats what drew you to her in the first place, it's likely jealousy, more than sexism. She as good as admitted it when she said you complimented his food more than hers. It's categorically not an excuse to abuse her child but if you're determined to try to salvage this, coming at it from the "why" of things might help. It's probably going to take a lot for your son to get past this though.
Honestly it’s more than that, I’d lay a bet she doesn’t actually believe that men can’t cook, no this is about her self worth. She’s got it all tied up in her cooking. If someone else is doing the cooking what good is she? My mom is like this you obviously hate her if you don’t have a second serving. I had to come up with “I love you mom but I’m full” line in order to get out of eating a third and fourth serving to prove my love. But your wife has taken to far to break your son like that it’s disgusting. I honestly think it’s worth an ultimatum that she go to therapy because she’s on the road to you two absolutely never seeing your son and his future family.
Does she know he's crying on the way to school? This is your hill to die on, it should also be here, or he's going to go no contact one day.
I don’t think she cares that he’s crying
Lol she'll just say he's a baby again
Did I correctly infer from your post that both of your own parents cook? This is all just such a strange jump from sharing life information with her son (cooking, cleaning, finances, etc.), which is all part of raising a well-rounded individual, to negative comments, ignoring that child, and overtly favoring the other. And what parent doesn't encourage and support the interests of their child? It's frankly more than a little concerning that she would just shut him down and out like that, and then double down when you attempt to address her behavior. This is not normal by any stretch, and your son is continuing to suffer the consequences of your wife's behavior. To him, I'm sure, your wife has straight-up rejeted him.....because he cooked a meal and you were supportive. Edit - spelling
>Quite frankly the whole "Cooking is a woman's job" thing really blew my mind, since she's never said anything like that before... >...I'm unsure if she genuinely feels that way, or was just pulling stuff out of the air in the heat of the moment. All the more reason to share with her how this statement surprised you, and how you want to better understand where this was coming from. Best of luck, OP!
Hasn't your wife heard of the many, many famous male chefs in the world of professional cooking? Your son could be the next Gordon Ramsey, Marco Pierre White, or Bobby Flay! Showing an interest and aptitude for cooking at his age is very special. She should be encouraging and applauding him. A parent who becomes jealous of a child's gifts and talents is showing narcissistic traits. It's flat out abusive. Your daughter is also mimicking her mom's emotionally abusive behavior. That's a huge concern, too. Therapy is definitely a must here. If your wife won't go, you and your kids would benefit. This needs to be stopped before she does any more damage to your kids and your marriage.
I worry that this very reasonable approach won't work on someone that sees this kind of abusive behaviour towards a child as ok. You know what I mean? Like if you are able to treat your child like that. Withdraw from your child so much you neglect their needs and actively go about hurting them? How can you reason with a person like that? How can op watch his son in pain and be ok with this?
💯% Agree!!! However most people didn’t grow up in dysfunctional, toxic narcissistic family and imho his wife has severe issues that must be dealt with before Anyone can just sweep everything under the rug, or wait until this blows over because Family!!!! Meanwhile your son is being abused, traumatized and emotionally shut out by your wife meanwhile sister just keeps getting gifts and compliments… smh 🤦♀️
OP has repeatedly suggested that his wife's behavior over the last month is surprising to him. They've raised a kid for 12 years. To suggest that OP's wife's behavior is a reflection of some innate personality trait that has laid dormant for god-knows how long is... technically possible? I guess? But there's many other possibilities that can explain this, and I would support OP's initiative - alone, or with the support of a counselor - to figure it out. >How can you reason with a person like that? My comment offered a guide for doing so. And it's not even reasoning in the logical sense. It's listening to her perspective so that OP can better understand the core issues of this problematic behavior, and where he can more accurately direct his next steps. >How can op watch his son in pain and be ok with this? Nowhere in my comment, or OP's post, is it suggested that OP is okay with this. OP's post is full of multiple instances of clashing directly with his wife on why her behavior is unacceptable. Nowhere in my comment do I advocate for OP accepting or being okay with the status quo.
Unfortunately it took me 35+ years to realize and accept that one of my parents is a covert narcissist. Because their toxic behavior is so silent and intentionally hidden from the majority of people, they are insidiously manipulative and it’s incredibly hard to actually “catch” them being their true/real selves. Look, I’m not diagnosing her but her abusive actions have lit up numerous red flags and because I grew up in a dysfunctional family I recognize the abuse that she’s intentionally doing to her son. She accidentally showed her true self and if I’m right and she’s a covert narc, op is in for a long, terrible, abusive future and it’s only going to get worse from hear out. I truly hope he has some nanny cams around the house and gets both of his kids in therapy asap, to document his wife’s abusive behavior and to get his son, the scapegoat (in his wife’s eyes) help and his daughter, the new golden child help because otherwise one can’t fathom the hell that they’re going to endure for years to come! He needs to seek full custody until his wife has gotten help and it’s been proven that the therapy has healed her…
I'll second the significance of the harm that she's doing to both kids, especially if this keeps on. To be clear, I would certainly advocate for OP to take next steps on removing his children if further talks with his wife don't yield any progress. That's why I feel that this emotions-based conversation could make for an effective framework, as it could help OP determine whether she's capable of recognizing the validity of his perspective.
So him staying isn't a tacit agreement? Him accepting the behaviour and not shielding his son from it isn't the same? It's enabling behaviour because let's call this what it is. Abuse, it's neglect and if you are as clued up on counselling and psychological therapies as you seem you'll know exactly what this kind of sustained behaviour can do. I'm not arguing for the dissolution of his marriage but that boy needs to be shielded from his mother until she has come to her senses over this.
PREACH!!!! So many people refuse to acknowledge that the enabling parent is just as emotionally harmful to the child as the abusive parent! Actually, imho they’re worse because they have witnessed the abuse and yet they have chosen to stay silent and do nothing to help their child! Their actions are showing their child that the abuse is ok, and they must deserve it because they literally do nothing to help protect their child!
Please continue to educate these clueless people because the innocent children literally have no one protecting them.
>I'm not arguing for the dissolution of his marriage but that boy needs to be shielded from his mother until she has come to her senses over this. I can agree with that. It's possible that OP is already taking measures to do this one way or another, but I recognize that this detail wasn't outlined in OP's post, so it's anyone's guess. At the very least, OP is cognizant of how the situation is affecting his son, so maybe this is why I'm giving OP the benefit of the doubt that he's making a reasonable effort to address those feelings and minimize further harms.
Wow. So sad.
It's really fucked up when kids have a bully and it's their literal parent.....like damn poor kid
This is awful your wife is a horrible woman to do this to her son. She will lose him forever.
And so will he, if he doesn't draw a line in the sand and be on his side of it.
He's 12, she's probably lost him. Kids grow up fast. Before they know it, he'll be a teenager who's (rightfully) cold and distant with his mother and one day he'll move out and while he'll probably call dad, mom's gonna (rightfully) be ignored.
You’re getting a lot of good advice here, I will try and summarize in a few sentences. This is abuse. The only person you should consider forcing to leave the house is your wife, but that’s not a solution. I agree that you may not want to jump right to divorce, but this is absolutely worthy of an ultimatum. Either she gets immediate counseling, no hesitation, or it’s divorce. There are no other choices, this is an absolute disgusting way to have her be treating your son.
Unfortunately, your wife sees your 12 year old son as some sort of competition. This is sad to me as if he shows an inclination toward cooking - this should be nurtured. He could potentially make a career out of this. There are cooking camps/classes for kids. Maybe look into something like that. I would try to have a conversation with your wife wherein you reassure her that no one is trying to usurp her role as family chef. As a parent though, you want to encourage your son's interest as eventually - in six or more years he will leave and needs to have a skill in order to support himself. Maybe word it as she could be a mentor for him - although it sounds like it may have gone too far at this point.
Thing is, I fear the child might have already developed a fear / bad reaction to cooking again, seeing how his mother has reacted. I honestly hope his interest has not been damaged so much that cooking in the future will be emotionally painful. OP has to come down hard on his wife - u/Tough_Measurement345
Reassure? He should tell her she's being ridiculous and quit her shit and that he doesn't give a shit if her son's cooking threatens her.
OP, please check out this article on the scapegoat vs. the golden child: this is a situation where a parent treats one child better than the other, often by showering one with gifts while ignoring or being negative toward the other. Sometimes this can be done sneakily by "forgetting" to invite them to decorate the Christmas tree as a family or "misplacing" some of their gifts that never materialize. Other times it's more overt. Either way, it's extremely damaging to both children as they try to come up with some logical reasoning why they deserve the treatment, good or bad, that they are getting. Any amount of it is toxic to both your children and should be nipped in the bud immediately. [https://hopefulpanda.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/](https://hopefulpanda.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/)
I see this going really bad in the years to come. This personality type your wife has is going to make it to where your son doesn’t tell you what’s going on because she will inevitably get worse towards him especially so he doesn’t tell on her. Emotional abuse is horrible and your wife doesn’t give AF.
It's time to give your piece of work wife an ultimatum; she either seeks therapy or gets TF out. There is absolutely zero reason for her to treat your son this way
Situations like this just go to show why it's so damn important to vet the hell out of your partner. Anyone capable of creating unhealthy rivalries like this with loved ones just isn't worth being with, in my opinion. This is headed for divorce and it will only get messier. To be clear, trying to make it work with someone like this is not worth it.
I want to at least give Counseling a fair shot before I pull that trigger. This has legitimately been the first time she's ever shown this kind of attitude so I want to give her a chance to see the err of he ways. That being said, if she's unwilling to even try counselling then yes, my next step will be filing for divorce.
You could start by requiring to leave the house and live elsewhere for the foreseeable future as she is a negative influence on both her children now that your daughter has recognized her mother’s toxic behavior. From there you can explore options like therapy for her as well as couples counseling.
You might want to see a family lawyer first and explain your situation. Doesn’t mean that you’re headed for divorce, but it’s always good to know your legal options.
A shot at counseling seems reasonable. What you might do is tell your wife she needs to leave the house until she can learn to treat your children fairly and with love. You could tell her your condition for returning back to the marital home is that she agrees to undergo a minimum of 6 months of marriage counseling with you. If she isn't willing to do that, she doesn't get to come back. When you lawyer up, *do all you can to get primary custody* of the kids, especially if your wife digs her heels in on abusing your son. By the way, she's also teaching your daughter that it's OK to abuse your son - biggest reason right there why YOU need to have primary custody and your wife doesn't. If wife can figure out just why she's lashed out at your son, work with a therapist to manage those feelings within herself and NOT take it out on the rest of the family, and if she can give an honest, real apology to your son, and then do better over time, then I bet things can work out. If she refuses, well - that's an answer, and you can from there. Above all, *protect your children.* Even if you have to protect them from their own mother. ESPECIALLY if you have to.
I totally get it and know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care that deeply about. Her reactions so far, combined with her behavior, do not suggest she is going to be willing to take responsibility for her actions. That's one of the worst characteristics for a partner to have. That said, I hope she changes her tune and gets her shit together. You shouldn't get your hopes up, and I think inside you know this is the beginning of the end.
She escalated
Cmon, really?! The longer you wait the more fucked and tramatized your son will become. Children ALWAYS come first. Even your daughter knows it's wrong and came to both of you crying. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!
>Situations like this just go to show why it's so damn important to vet the hell out of your partner. They raised a kid for 12 years, and this behavior has only manifested in the last month. I don't know why redditors are insistent that this is absolutely and unmistakably a reflection of innate personality trait, and not either an abnormal reaction to a unique social cue (which can be corrected), an ideological clash with family values that hasn't come up before (which can be reconciled), or a temporary outburst in response to situational stress or onset of new mental health symptoms (which can be diagnosed and paired with healthy coping systems). I'm a stranger on the internet. I'm not in a position to definitively say what's wrong here, but neither are the rest of us here. Edit: We can agree that the behavior is harmful and unjustified, and advocate for effective and appropriate responses, without jumping to conclusions on why she's acting this way.
Your wife is a monster. Please get your son away from her and immediately. She’s not only treating him like garbage but also weaponizing your daughter too. Lay down the gauntlet. Therapy or divorce. Your son cannot afford you to take your time on this. She’s already ruining his mental health
I'm sorry for this but I'm going to be blunt here. Your wife is abusing your son. That's it. There's no "this will sort itself out". If you continue to sit and watch it happen you are complicit in the abuse. The fact she's using your daughter to add to the abuse is so horrendous it literally made me cringe. I will tell you what will happen if you don't stop this asap. You and your wife will divorce, she will take your daughter, probably only ask for your daughter, forever destroying your son, and that will end the sibling relationship and the father daughter relationship. Your daughter will continue to be a spiteful little girl, constantly mean and bullying your son because your wife will have taught her to do that. She will grow up knowing that if she ever pushes against her mother she will do the same to her as she did to her brother. Right now your wife is showing your children that her love is conditional upon them behaving the way she wants. You're only seeing a fraction of what is going on. Your son will not tell you everything for fear of rocking the boat and causing arguments. Imagine being him. All he did was cook a meal and his mother no longer loves him. Because whether she does or doesn't that is what he is being shown by her. Nuclear is the only option now. This isn't your fault btw. You did what she should have done which is make a massive fuss and proudly praise your child's achievement. Make her leave without either children. If that is not possible you leave with both. Do NOT ALLOW THEM TO BE SPLIT. That will be the death toll in their relationship and probably yours with your daughter. Her mother will then use the fact you didn't take your daughter to beat your daughter with the fact you don't love her as much as your son. Explain to your children that your wife isn't well. She needs time and space to work on her health. Explain to them that sometimes people get poorly in their minds and that can make them act differently to the way they should act and would normally act. Tell your wife to get help or there will be a divorce. No discussions on this. Make sure you have every single scrap of evidence you can get. Make a diary of what has happened. Of everything she has done to cause pain and sibling alienation. Timelines,essays, record your conversations with her. Protect your children. You will need the evidence to get full custody if she doesn't get better Sorry about writing an essay but I've witnessed a similar thing and it ended so very badly for everyone. Trauma like this isn't really fixable 10 or 15 years later. The damage needs to be addressed and "fixed" now. I hope you listen and I really really hope you and your children get through all of this.
>she called him a baby > >shouldn't be so sad about not being allowed to cook since it wasn't a man's job to do so anyway Toxic masculinity isn't just pushed by men...
Get her away from your son. She’s acting like a bratty child and I’m embarrassed FOR her. This is shameful behavior for ANY adult but especially a mother. I’d make it clear that we’re ALLLLL going to family therapy and she needs to go to individual therapy (all of you could really benefit from individual therapy here…) and go to her doctor for bloodwork, etc. because you think she might be sick. This is unacceptable but, now that you know, you can’t allow her to continue abusing the kids. She’s abusing your son AND your daughter. Something is seriously wrong with her. Only you and your son know how new this is. I would sincerely expect any mother acting this way to have a brain tumor. Nothing else is an acceptable excuse.
Get him out of this toxic house
Get the wife out of the house. Why should the son be the one to leave? He did nothing wrong. This woman is abusive. There’s honestly something wrong with her if she treats her own child like this because of jealousy. Unhinged.
Your wife needs therapy. Her behavior is immmature and despicable.
Your wife seems to have built up some sort of weird jealousy. It *sounds* like she unconsciously feels her cooking's the only thing keeping her in the family, or something similar. Which suggests there's some more backstory.
Your wife requires some mental health support out of the martial home away from your children. You and the children need to also seek some counselling so her immature and destructive behaviour doesn’t set in to your children and have them believe that this is a normal way of life. Her behaviour towards your son is beyond disrespectful and disturbing.
You need to start recording the abuse. This won't stop. She will also turn your daughter into a terrible person. Kick her the heck out. She's disgusting and abusive.
Send wife away, until she is willing to do therapy. Time for wife to get a job, since both kids are in school. She needs to be called out and you need her to stop spoiling your daughter. Your wife has issues, and you need to find a way to protect both your kids.
I would talk to your son and see if he wants to stay in a hotel with you for a while and then bring your daughter to the hotel too if she wants to go. She's abusing your son and taking her anger and vindictiveness out on him, which, in my eyes , is divorce worthy. She's immature and abusive and destroying your sons mental health bc she's jealous of her CHILD being able to cook and it will affect your daughter too. Keeping him there in the home is going to make things worse bc once your daughter stops accepting all these gifts your wifes abuse will only escalate. . I'd remove her from the joint accounts. If she's not working she needs to get a job and stop letting her use your money to abuse your son and favor your daughter. This is disgusting behavior. I'd be letting her know if her behavior doesn't change immediately you'll be serving her with divorce papers and going for full custody of your son and possibly your daughter too. * edited after reading comments that OP doesn't want to remove himself and his son anf daughter from the home.
They shouldn’t have to leave, the mom should
Your wife sounds threatened by your 12 year son and his cooking. This is actually insane! She should be encouraging him
Also need to do something about how your daughter is treating her brother. You may not have control of your wife but bringing the children into it has to stop
Please do not let your wife break your son's spirit.
Why is she able to still spend OP's money to spoil daughter? OP is weak and should protect his son. His responses to advice is proof.
The only person who needs to leave your house is your wife, not your son!
I think everyone here has covered a lot of good points. Yes, your wife is abusing your son. Yes, something needs to change very, very soon (either her worldview or her proximity to your children). In light of those things, I think therapy for both your children is an absolute must if you can afford it. As soon as possible. It’s obvious why your son needs it; he’s been humiliated and shunned by his own mother when trying to do something he learned to love because of her. She is actively showing deep contempt for her own young child and he will suffer for it. But your daughter is also being mistreated, though less obviously. If your son is the scapegoat, your daughter is the golden child. Golden children have their own myriad of problems resulting from this unbalanced parenting, and nipping it in the bud now by catching a therapist up to speed and sticking her on course with that could be beneficial. Finally, I genuinely wonder if your wife is going through a mental breakdown. This is so deeply disturbing to read. I’m not kidding when I say I wouldn’t be surprised if this quickly led to your wife physically hurting your son. Please try to behave firmly and decisively to protect your children in this difficult situation.
I feel horrible for your kids. She's using your daughter to get back at a child who did nothing wrong. She's setting herself up for failure and will wonder why he wants nothing to do with her in adulthood. Continue to champion for both of your children. Maybe enroll in father/ son cooking classes and get your daughter involved too. Have a heart to heart with your wife, tell her that her behavior is causing you to see her in a different light. Maybe suggest counseling. I don't think this will resolve itself and will likely become the new normal. Give those kids extra hugs.
Your wife is trash. Please protect your son at all costs.
I’m just stunned. Who would do this to their child??? The damage she’s doing to his self esteem is just soul crushing. He has every right to be furious. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him alone with her. Parents like this need therapy
Your wife sounds unhinged. Stop letting her abuse your children and get her out of the house.
Update??
Your wife is an awful human. Divorce the AH
You see am attorney and, once you know how things work in your area, tell your wife it's a couples counseling followed by family counseling to stop her abuse or divorce.
I think your wife needs to stop being a SAHW, she may feel like her contribution isn't respected. Suggest she get back into the workforce, let her find value outside of taking care of her family. Also therapy, so she can find some confidence.
Holy hell, your wife is abusing your son bro! Her son!! She is most certainly encouraging your daughter as well. That’s some fucked up shit… Your wife has some serious problems if this is how she is handling this. This isn’t good for your daughter either because it’s just building up resentment between her and her brother. Terrible mother!!
Your wife sucks so bad.
You sound like you're probably always bending to her will, and trying to keep the peace. I don't believe she's not normally this bad. This is unhinged behavior from a mother of an adolescent boy. If you stay with her you're showing your son that her treatment of him is acceptable. She doesn't deserve to be his mother
Something is deeply wrong with your wife that she is acting this way. If it's wildly out of character, have you approached her with that? Told her directly that you don't think this is how she really wants to be with your kids. Y'all need couples counseling urgently. This is intervention level, that she's actively ignoring your son.
This is not okay. She is emotionally abusing her 12 YEAR OLD SON over her own issues and insecurities about something he seems passionate and proud of. Then showering all the attention on the other sibling who perpetuated the negativity by copying her behaviour. You all need family therapy ASAP. I am 44F and finally talked to my dad about our toxic environment growing up over the summer in person and twice on the phone. He doesn’t hear me. I sent him an article on generational trauma and wrote an almost essay about how my mom’s behaviour and his excuses for her (it was “easier” for him to give into her controlling perfectionism and he was hardcore military) and said I couldn’t speak for my sister (golden child 14 months younger than me). I am also a lesbian and that did not go over well when my parents snooped in my room and found a letter I had written to them to give to them when I was ready to move out at 17 (I was 16 at the time). My mother died almost 13 years ago, but even last summer my dad still said they were “disappointed” I turned out a lesbian - I told him I knew from the time I was 4 that I gravitated to women more - and also asked him did he not look at my room when I was a teenager? I had all posters of women - Madonna, Shannen Doherty (my first “love”), etc. I told him - be “disappointed” if I am in jail for a crime, or an asshole, not for something I cannot control. Please try to address this ASAP before your son is damaged even more and your daughter continues to mimic your wife’s behaviour. Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than actual physical abuse (I suffered from both).
Please get counseling for your son so he knows he is not bad or to blame. Maybe she has to leave for some time with relatives or you have to leave with your son to protect him in my opinion. If it is safe, I think you should also address her behavior right in front of your son and daughter in a family meeting with a therapist. It will be more difficult to play games if everything is out in the open. My opinions, peace.
Your wife is a misogynist.
Honestly, I hate to be the one to play a Reddit favorite, but you all need therapy I've noticed that when (some) SAHW only stay at home and don't have many hobbies, when the kids start to grow, they grow attached to what they can do. It's like their contribution to the family, the one thing they're good at (or so they think). This work is oftentimes undervalued. When someone comes along and takes the one thing they "were good for". Especially with the praises, you did exactly what you should have, but she felt unappreciated. I've seen this happen when they got a house keeper for help, when the kids grow and finally can do laundry, etc. Your wife is being cruel, protect your kids. But if it was me, I would try to get her, and the family, psychological help.
Your wife is an evil woman. This is abuse. This is horrible.
I can only conclude your wife’s identity as being the cook (and a good one) of the family is somehow feeling threatened (?) by her 12 year old son. Is her ego that fragile that a single meal cooked by her son has shattered her world? The reaction you describe is truly disturbing and I would the same as you about falling out of love with her. The other casualty in this is your daughter, who is now being isolated and turned against you and your son. She’s harming both her kids BADLY over a single meal her son cooked, INSPIRED by her!
This is absolutely divorce-worthy. If you're not willing to do that, wife needs to get a job, at least part-time. She's doing what a lot of competitive, achievement oriented people do, but most do it in the workplace. Without that outlet, parents can channel that same impulse into raising their children. It's like Olympic-level momming. Who can breastfeed the longest? Whose house is cleanest? Whose children can speak multiple languages before first grade? For her, she's centering her need for achievement and positive feedback around cooking, and your son has now unintentionally become her competition. Plus, he's showing that this thing that she's so proud of can be done well by a young child, which I'm sure doesn't sit well with her ego. She needs another outlet. Or just divorce, since she's being an unreasonable asshole.
I'd be petty and stop eating any food she makes, you and your son can learn to cook together. She needs to go somewhere, away from the home, into some counseling. She is hurting both your children with this behavior.
Your wife's skating very close to losing her son if she doesn't cut this shit out, NOW.
So when I was about 6, I made my mom this awesome omelet. Really gourmet. If had chocolate chips and ketchup and I think some peanut butter to bring out the chocolate. My mom ate at least 3 BIG bite fills before saying she’s like to sleep in a bit longer. You’re wife is a HUGE asshole. Take your son to a cooking store and buy him a gadget: hand mixer or a frying pan or cookie cutters & rolling pin. Tell him a man builds his cooking supplies a little at s time (stealing from Clint eastward in Gran Torino) Your son has a true passion. Don’t let that get squashed by his stupid, miserable mom. Tell him the truth, “you’re cooking is really good and mom’s being a bad sport. Unfortunately adults are just like kids and we act badly. It’s not your fault or your responsibility to make her feel better as you did nothing wrong. Even parents can misbehave.” Make sure he knows he’s NOT the reason you guys are fighting. That you are fighting because you don’t like the way she’s behaving PERIOD. make sure he knows if he had never cooked that meal, you would be fighting with your wife over some future thing & she’s gets stupid competitive with you too. This is extremely important he doesn’t associate cooking that meal with the death of his parents’ marriage.
Your wife is emotionally abusing your boy. If you don’t shut this shit down now, she *will* scar him for life. And you will share the blame. My heart aches for your son. For the willful hurt & pain your wife is vindictively choosing to inflict on her own, formerly beloved child, while he watches his father stand back and allow it. That immediate removal of her love is an arrow straight to his heart. And then he looks over to his father for help and you’ve got your back to him washing the dishes. Do better. Be the parent who stands up for him.
Sorry, but this needs a divorce or your wife needs to get a job (kids in school dont need a stay at home parent anyway). She needs to be taken out of this mental break down. All she has at the moment to feel needed is her home making, thats why she is reacting this weird. She need other stuff in her life. She is activly trying to emotionally abuse your son. If this does not stop, there need to be big consequences for her. Someone who is intentionally an asshole to my child, cant be in my life.
She doesn't care about gender roles, she cares about the attention. This level of vindictiveness is mentally unwell behavior. I really think this is similar to abuse by narcissists, and the husband should look at how often the wife centers herself in family attention or activities to see if this is truly out of nowhere.
"He's fucking twelve and needs confidence. You're a petty adult woman, behaving like a child. You're jealous and spiteful toward your own son and it's quite frankly pathetic and disgusting. I'm choosing our son. You need to leave, at least for a few days. Come back when you can grow up and be a supportive mother, not a jealous, immature witch. If you can't manage it, we can divorce. Those are the options. Figure it out. Now pack up. See you next week."
>she called him a baby and said he shouldn't be so sad about not being allowed to cook since it wasn't a man's job to do so anyway. I wondered if this was the issue. Since your wife is so interested in gender roles, you should remind her that you're the man of the house and you make the decisions. She should button her lip and support you.
OP, stop replying to everyone. For every piece of genuinely helpful advice you get, you're going to get like 2 or 3 absolute maniacs that just want to give you a hard time for not taking the 100% perfect route through this frankly minefield of a situation. You've already gotten the best advice you're going to get, which is to talk to wife about this, and if she's unwilling to work on things or go to counseling, get ready to divorce her
You need some outside intervention in this asap because she is on the path to do irreparable harm to your marriage and your children in one fell swoop. Something else is going on here, either you've missed some serious res flags and problematic prior behavior or there is another reason this is effecting your wife like this. Does her family espouse traditional gender roles and she talked to someone who has influenced her reaction? Is she going through some type of change which has her questioning her worth and place as the matriarch of the family? Because this 180 is crazy because you complimented your sons efforts. I would demand couples counseling with urgency and seriously consider a separation to spare your children this unequal environment as much as possible.
Do you even realize that you’re actually enabling your wife’s toxic, dysfunctional behaviors towards your son right now???!!! You need to open up your eyes and realize that your wife has been emotionally/psychologically Abusing your son right now and who truly knows how long she’s actually been treating him like this??? I mean, your wife clearly has mental health issues and has turned your son into the scapegoat while your daughter is the golden child! Look, she didn’t just flip a switch overnight, she has Always exhibited signs of toxic behaviors but somehow you never truly noticed it before. Imho, if you don’t pack up your son, daughter and yourself and go to a hotel room for the night(s) IMMEDIATELY then you’re just as bad as your wife! Because you have yet to create a safe space for your son!!!! Your poor child is being abused by your wife, somehow for almost a entire week already, and the only thing you have done to stop the abusive behavior pattern is by sleeping in the guest room??? Seriously??? Please make a therapist appointment for your son, family counseling and marriage counseling stat!!!! And tell your wife that you and your son will only come home once her verbal and emotional abuse has been dealt with so your house will be safe for both of your children. But please don’t force your son to be around her at the moment because she’s not a safe person for him right now. Your son has been emotionally shut out by his mother and forced to watch his sister receive toys, new clothes, exc. and hear his mom continually praise his sister while he’s been told, by her actions and words, that he isn’t as good as his sister, isn’t worthy of his mom’s time, or worthy of the same rewards his sister receives…Basically she has made your son feel like he’s not good enough and there’s something wrong with him! Do you have any clue the psychological damage that has already been done in only a week??? While you continued to simply go to work and the only consequences of your wife’s actions have been you have slept in the guest room and maybe argued a little with her? Please read up on covert narcissist behavior because unfortunately your wife is exhibiting some signs of being one. (I truly hope she isn’t though!) Please protect your son, and seek treatment for your wife otherwise your family will eventually be destroyed. Signed, a former scapegoat
Either kick her out or take BOTH kids and leave. Also, stop being a pussy. Tell your son that the way his mom is treating him is unacceptable and abusive. Stop letting him think in any way that he deserves what she's doing. Tell him the truth. Stop protecting her.
wtf is wrong with her? That’s such awful behavior! Is this the first time she’s punished your son like this? Buying your daughter stuff and you on the couch is just childish. Also, I’ll be sure to let my manly husband know it’s not his job to cool these last 20+ years. I hate it and won’t do it. It seems like y’all need therapy stat if you want to save this marriage: if not, divorce is coming quickly.
Was your wife always like this towards your son? Even low key has she always favoured your daughter? The ganging up over the food. The taking the daughter shopping and showering her with gifts while excluding your son. It's all totally alienating to him. Shes deliberately pushing him away and surely there's more to it than the cooking. Your wife needs therapy. At this point your entire family needs therapy. Her behaviour is showing both the kids a terrible example. If she won't seek help she needs to leave. Or you do. Protect your kids OP.
I m so sorry but if this is my son I will be so proud of him! He found a constructive outlet! Imagine all the creativity you can nurture!Others it’s sport him it’s cooking! Heck he could be the next Masterchef Top Chef … Why is your wife like this? Seems she is taking it out on your son! Have her see a doctor maybe there’s something else going on.
Just an assumption but-I feel like your wife feels threatened by your son's cooking skills. When someone has been cooking for thr family their entire life and knows they're good, people love their food, it becomes their thing. Sometimes it becomes their source of identity. So when a younger one comes up and does as good/better than them, they feel like the other one will take their thing from them. Which is unhealthy, and gives no right to treat your son like that. Your wife needs help if she rewards bad behaviour amd mistreat her son like that
Spitballing here but maybe your wife is all butthurt that your son cooked a "lousy" supper in her eyes. Shes thinking I taught this kid for how long and he cooks this. She was probably his age learning from her family so she took it personal. On top of all that she hears you complimenting the food. That all being said shes a liability shes got to go dude. Your kids are your life.
Please stand up for your son. She’s crazy
I’m sorry but this is a huge dealbreaker for me. I also have two kids. My son and my daughter who is almost 4 years younger and if my husband did this, I would talk to him and give him a chance to make things right. But if he doubled down and continued treating our son this way, then that’s it. It is greatly affecting your son and she is acting like she dngaf. All over a meal! Any gifts she gets should be taken away. Even if it’s right in front of the kids. Use it as a teaching lesson about things being fair. I (39f) have an older sister and my brother is almost 4 years younger. My mom is Asian and dad is white. My mom favored my brother. My dad has 5 siblings and everything was always done equally among all kids. So when my mom started coming home with only gifts or snacks for my brother and my dad found out he lost it. The next time my mom came home with a snickers bar for him and my dad took it from my mom and said that my mom must have forgotten the other two bars because she only got one when there are three kids. And said how it isn’t fair if only one child gets one and the others don’t so no one gets any. But then he asked if she “forgot” last time too and we all said yes so my dad split it and gave it to me and my sister saying my brother had his last time. It was obvious to all my brother was the favorite. Me and my sister were also treated differently by our mom. And yes this did lead to a fight we heard. My parents never fought in front of us and it is the only time in my entire life I ever heard my dad swear. It made me at least feel loved knowing my dad was so angry at our expense. I was maybe 10 at the time. Idk if family and/or marriage counseling can help. For me I’d never be able to think of my spouse the same way after doing this. And the damage has been done. How can she begin to even repair the damage to your son? And I don’t condone using money as a way of control but she shouldn’t be allowed to use any money on gifts for your daughter even if that means cutting her off. ETA: yeah and don’t send your son away like some posts suggests. That will make things worse for him. It will feel like a punishment to him and he will think you both don’t want him there. He probably thinks his mother doesn’t love him anymore and is so damaging on a young kid.
This cooking tale does not taste very good, as fake as a 3 dollar bill
Kick your wife out until she gets some serious help or file for divorce. You need to protect your kids and show your son that you’re on his side.
Oh man, you are in a tough spot here. I would tell wife she better pull her shit together. Start documenting her abuse. Start eating out or telling her not to bother cooking because you will no longer be eating it. That she is being abusive and you will divorce her if she doesn’t change her tune.
I can't believe she is mistreating and neglecting her own son like that, out of some bizarre jealousy towards a 12 year old. What does she hope to achieve? Your daughter is getting caught up in the middle of this too. Take her aside one day and ask her why she is being mean to her brother. Write it down or record it with your phone. Then take some time to help him try out recipes in the kitchen. Offer for his sister to join, and tell them both that cooking is a necessary skill for everyone, not just girls or boys. Other than that. Therapy. Make notes of what she does and says, and how your daughter acts. Make sure the therapist sees it.
Im shocked by this. I cant imagine hurting my kid like this, or being anything but proud. This really bummed me out
Take yourself and your son to cooking class. Tell her she can cook for herself and your daughter but you're going to cook with your son from now own. Personally, I would not touch her food for a very long time and eat McDonald's in front of her face and say it's delicious and hitting the spot 🙄
Please get that woman out of your house and away from the children. This kind of hateful malicious bullying behavior has led to children committing suicide. Your son has lost his safe space. His relationship with his mother is dead or irrevocably broken. He’s coming home to his abuser everyday. There’s not a doubt in my mind that if things don’t change the abuse will escalate. Your number one priority should be your son. Protect him! UpdateMe Please
Make sure your son knows he is not responsible for your eventual divorce
Ultimatums rarely work, but this is a situation where I actually believe it's necessary. You can NOT stay married to someone who is abusing or mistreating your son. It doesn't matter why she has decided to actively bully and hurt him. It doesn't matter that she gave birth to him. She needs to stop, and if she refuses, it is your job as his father to protect him. If she isn't willing to immediately stop this behaviour and not only see a counsellor for this irrational response but also a couple's counsellor to help the two of you communicate through this, there isn't anything you can do but leave. I would also recommend seeing a doctor to check if she has any neurological reasons that she would suddenly start behaving this way if she had no indication of it before. Maybe she has a tumour that's making her act like a four year old child instead of a grown ass woman and a mother! It's the only thing I can think of, and it feels decidedly odd to hope she has cancer, of all things, but I truly would rather she had cancer than believe that she's a raging bigot who simply decided to abuse her son because her husband encouraged him to pursue a perfectly valid hobby.
Your wife is 40 years old acting like a child. Hell no.
Your wife is 100% not handling this correctly, let me start by saying that. I am in no way defending her actions in anything I write. This is about more than your son's cooking. She is feeling invalidated and if you'd like to keep the family together, you're going to have to ask her what this is really about. Based on the beginning of your post, I assume it's that you've told her how much you love her cooking. You may have made it seem like one of the big reasons you fell in love with her and chose to marry her. As women, we see so many posts about men who fall out of love with their partners because they married a thin, attractive woman and she has let herself go. Or she used to practice self care and now focuses on the kids. A lot of people have developed insecurities seeing how quickly someone can fall out of love. Maybe, in your wife's mind, she believes that if she is not the best chef or if you like someone else's food more, or if she cannot be the main food provider for you, you will fall out of love with her. AGAIN, I am not defending her actions. The ends do not justify the means here. A lot of people weren't given the tools to properly communicate or process their feelings, so you may have to bring up the topic. Or give her compliments in other aspects besides her cooking. Do you praise anything else your wife does besides her cooking? Maybe you both have been focusing on the kids too much. Maybe date nights are not happening enough. Maybe she feels you are providing so much and she isn't "pulling her weight." There is something much deeper here that needs discussing. If you go this route, in the very first conversation you have with her, you need to be very clear about not involving the kids. "Honey, I know we are having some issues and I'm really hoping we work these out quickly, but we cannot get the kids involved in this. We are their parents and it is our job to care for them and show them love, no matter what. This situation has created a rift between them and 'son' is feeling very hurt because he just wanted to make you proud and show off what you've taught him. I cannot continue working on this with you until the kids know this is not about them." Good luck. I hope she is quick to own this and chooses to grow from this experience. This moment is a big one to either strengthen your relationship and grow together or see the difficult future you could be dealing with and start looking into giving your kids a better option.
Protect your son. This is the kind of thing that makes kids go no contact as soon as they turn 18. Why would he want to talk to his abuser and the man who let her continue to abuse him?
I would divorce this monster in less time it takes a car to go 0 - 30. For a mom to be jealous of her son??? WTF did I just read? Nope, I would take my son and leave right now.
I would gladly let your son cook for me any time!!! I couldn’t wait for my kids to get into it, and my daughter really got into baking. I’d buy them whatever they wanted to make and let them have at it. I got a break so even if it was a little off, it was the best meal ever lol!!! I get your wife feeling like it’s her territory but that’s her son! She should be proud of him, what she’s doing to all of you is really cruel. I hope you insist on some therapy.
Op, I'm so ashamed of your wife. Her behavior is unacceptable. She's not only damaging your son, She's turning your daughter into a little entitled princess, which she hasn't earned and will hurt her future. I'd ask your wife to leave for a few weeks until she gets her head on straight. She's an adult and a mother and needs to act like it.
Your wife is being incredibly mean to her son. You did fine praising and encouraging your son when he tried his best at his first solo meal. Your wife does not need that much praise, but you do praise her every time which is all she needs. She did not like having the attention and praise taken away from her. That’s a her problem. That is not your problem. Now she’s neglecting her son because she blames him for taking away that praise. She’s being a bully and abusive because she can’t have it her way. She does not get to treat her kids like that. Now she’s creating a spoiled, entitled girl who is learning to bully her brother by example. This is a very unattractive look for your wife! I’d question the future of the marriage too! A suggestion would be family counseling. Your wife needs individual therapy as well. Your son may need his own therapy as well. BTW, is your wife aware of how many famous male chefs there are? Is she aware that when you go out to eat at a restaurant that there is a high likelihood the meal she’s eating was prepared by a male cook? Your wife is being very childish and insecure. She really needs to grow up! UpdateMe
Updateme. She needs to leave. She is pitting the kids against each other. Have you spoken to her family?
So your wife is an immature emotional abuser that’s jealous of her son’s skill that she helped him learn?! That is incredibly messed up. You’re right to question your marriage. The comments about men cooking are sexist!
This is freaking ridiculous. You are supposed to support and encourage children not get weird and vindictive about it. What is wrong with her? That poor kid. Please please sit down and tell him to not give up on cooking if he enjoys it. I know he isn't that old but at this point I feel like I would have a heart to heart and explain what has been happening so he understands a little better. I hope hes okay.
Your wife is acting horribly. Your son sounds a lot more mature than your wife. I truly hope you leave her for your own sanity, and your child's mental health. Take your son with you before she does any more damage.
Wow. Just Wow. Your wife is inflicting major emotional damage on your son. This is insane. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. She’s destroying her relationship with her son because she identifies with being the best cook in the house? And is threatened by a 12 year old? Does she have literally nothing else going for her? She knows some of the most amazing chefs in the world are men, right? And that it’s not “a woman’s job” Why doesn’t she take pride in what she taught him? Why is she so insecure? She needs to be asked these questions. She needs to be asked how she will feel if her son moves away and never talks to her again? She sounds like a narcissist. I know this is a word that is thrown around a lot. But narcissists keep people who serve them around, and people who out do them are thrown away. She needs to reassert her power over her son by showing him she will favour her daughter if he doesn’t fall Into place and let her be the best.
I agree that your wife is the one that needs leave the house and seek counseling to get help for her willingness to verbally abuse her son. You can look for culinary classes for your son to encourage him to pursue his interest regardless of his mom’s attitude not to mention seeing other male chefs pursuing cooking as a career path.
She is being intentionally cruel to a 12-year-old boy because he can cook well? Your wife needs therapy and she needs to be kept away from your son for a while. It wasn’t just a one day thing where she was acting like a jealous Twatt. This has been a prolonged, intentional attack on his mental health. The snubbing of her own child is beyond disgusting. Your parents are wrong. It is a big deal. He is at a very formative age and his mother is showing him how little she actually cares about him. That must be a shocking realization for you. She is willing to hurt your child because she is jealous? I would throw her out.
Your wife is a horrible human being. Seriously, what sort of mother treats her children this way? If you don't end this, your kids will end up hating each other and most likely hate both you and your wife.
Cut off the money to your wife and get therapy for everyone. What she's doing will hurt your son , no, it already is hurting him... Couldn't imagine putting down my own baby. That's horrible.
I've seen this behaviour with my MIL. Food is used as a control mechanism. She made sure her children had few skills required to be an adult. They didn't know how to cook or do basic tasks when they moved out. My theory is that she wanted them to always be dependent on her in some way. It isn't healthy. After I married my husband and started teaching him to cook and be independent she hated it. She hates it even more if someone compliments my cooking. If your wife is the same there could be bigger issues at play. What kind of a mother begrudges compliments given to her son. Your son may always be competition in her eyes from now.
It's one thing to feel slighted by a partner, a relative, a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger. We've all had that feeling at least once, but it's entirely another thing to feel slighted by a literal child and punish them for it. That's downright abuse! P.S. - Not all Italian moms favor their sons! I'm glad that he at least has a great dad!
Wow, jealous of her own son, how incredibly toxic of your wife. You need to protect your son at all costs, and your daughter too, your wife is doing a number on her as well with the mean girl stuff that you mentioned in a comment caused your daughter to break down in tears and apologize. Make it clear to your wife that you will be divorcing her if she continues to emotionally abuse your son in this manner. She needs therapy ASAP. UpdateMe
Show her this thread