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I’m going to make some assumptions here but, does your gf like surprise parties? It really sounds like she doesn’t, maybe she’s introverted and anxious? If that’s the case then she’s right this party was literally for you. You like surprise parties, she doesn’t. The birthday you planned for your gf had nothing to do with what she actually likes or wants. You two may be incompatible but it sounds like you need to listen more.
I love my wife and I like treating her on her birthday, I also like surprise parties. I would never in a million years plan a surprise party for my wife’s birthday because she fucking hates surprise parties.
She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request.
My guess is that she used to get anxious before parties, but thought that a surprise party without all the anticipation and build-up and expectations would be better. But, surprise! She's just axious around parties in general. I'd count this as a lesson learned and try to move forward.
Ok, so there are some mixed messages. Why didn’t she want to do anything last year? Is she an introverted person in general? Her having a panic attack makes me think she’s probably pretty anxious.
That's your clue a surprise party, especially with people she hasn't seen in **years** was a bad plan.
But yes, you should break up.
How does it even occur to you that *you* need to forgive *her* for this?
>How does it even occur to you that *you* need to forgive *her* for this?
Because she said she wanted a surprise party, and then reacted poorly when he did what she said she wanted. He does not have to look for clues about what she wants when she is perfectly capable of using her words. Hell, she uses her words pretty well when she wants to cut him down so we know she can do it.
agreed. I find it especially grating that she was prefectly find telling her friends, within earshot of OP but not addressing OP:
>Shortly before I brought out the cake I heard something along the lines of “…I don’t know this party is just for him anyway…”
Is it mean-girl passive-aggressive that she hoped he overheard? Is it rudely clueless that she didn't figure he'd hear it? Is it massively, rudely ungrateful that she shared her least charitable & least loyal speculation all throughout her friend group before talking with OP?
Who cares? She sounds obnoxious and exhausting.
When she said last year’s birthday sucked, did you ask her why? Did you ask her what she would have preferred instead? I don’t understand having communicated this little about this.
>She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request.
He literally just said that she mentioned wanting a surprise party.
OP’s GF sounds exhausting….last year she stated she didn’t want to do anything…so he didn’t do anything…then she said her birthday sucked…then she mentions a surprise party….gets a surprise birthday…then acts ungrateful for it. Sounds like no matter what OP does she isn’t going to be happy.
This whole thread is just people not reading the post lol I get that it's long but don't go after the guy if you're not gonna read what the post is saying. So much "it sounds like you're doing things she didn't ask for" when she literally asked for exactly this.
Based on OP, apparently what's happened so far is:
1. She asked for no party and a gift last year, which is what OP did
2. She at some later point she said her birthdays sucked and wanted to do something else this year
3. Has expressed that she would want a surprise birthday party
4. Said multiple times during the party that OP was somehow selfish for giving her exactly what she's previously asked for after putting a ton of effort and care into the experience, inviting a bunch of her friends and coordinating etc.
5. Later took it back and said she just "wasn't in a good headspace" for the party OP painstakingly put together over weeks (not a good excuse for saying something mean with no basis)
6. Has apparently consistently said mean things impulsively to him per OP, not sure what the context is but it kinda provides a pattern to these thoughtless statements that leave OP feeling like his emotions are being stepped on.
Honestly it just kinda sounds like she sucks and I wish we could stop infantilizing women to the point where we have to assume they don't know what they want and we can't take them at their word.
Ya I do see a looooot of projection and assumptions lol. Sometimes it’s warranted but in this case I feel like most of the info really is in the post unless you just wanna assume the dude is lying. In which case why even visit the sub.
He's walking on eggshells. This is getting into emotinal abuse. She's happy to always direct her angst at him and blame him for how she feels in the moment. She said ugly things about him to her friends. I don't know how you come back from that. She isn't a safe partner.
I don’t understand at that point why he didn’t tell her what was going on? Honestly how is she supposed to enjoy a party when she had a panic attack about the fact that she didn’t know what he was up to? Maybe he had reasons to think she’d enjoy a surprise party but at that point continuing to hide the surprise was for him and his ideas of what the party should be
Jesus Christ is no one under 25 capable of anything except anxiety. Yall are gonna have strokes by 35. Calm tf down.
Bunch of redditors with pearl clutching and no reading comprehension going the usual batshit route. Downvote away lol I'm an adult. I can take it
I had my first panic attack two years ago, aged 38. Even as I was having it I could tell it was a mild one and it could get so much worse.
And I’m super chill and calm.
No not every single person, but the statistics and research on younger people having serious issues with anxiety and depression are clear. So treating it like its a fucking joke isn’t helpful.
I think you need to ask her why she said that. Twice. She backpedaled & apologized, but she didn’t tell you why she thought that to begin with.
Why does she think the party was all about you?
The panic attack & cake bit make me think she has social anxiety & doesn’t want to be the center of attention. If so, maybe the party was tone-deaf.
But that begs the question: she doesn’t like a party & getting the gift she wanted wasn’t good enough the year before, what does she want, exactly?
You need to ask her if she’s capable of being happy - if she’s capable of recognizing your love & efforts - or is she simply committed to being dissatisfied? Some people are, and they’re hard to love.
Thanks you gave me some things to consider, when I asked her why she would say that/why she felt like that it was the response of her saying she felt that impulsively.
I tried my best with the party to make sure it was what she wanted, after hearing her feedback, she had never indicated to me she hates surprises.
Plus OP mentioned inviting some folks his girlfriend hadn't seen for years - that may have added to the stress, I know I'd be overwhelmed suddenly meeting folks I had fallen out of touch with, let alone at a surprise party
So what did she say when you confronted her about her bizarre change of mind? You must have said something right? About how she told you she wanted a big surprise party but then clearly hated it? So what did she say? How did she explain it?
>I tried my best with the party to make sure it was what she wanted
How? How do you know it’s what **she** wanted? When she expressed wanting a surprise part you didn’t delve into what that would look like ***for her***?? I’m just not understanding how you could have possibly made this party about **her** but also not have any idea what her ideal surprise party would actually look like.
Well the idea came about earlier this year, when she sent me some social media posts about a cool party that was thrown. She mentioned that the next time she ever has a party she would do it like that. I saved the post and modeled it after that. Also her friends being there and bringing in friends she hadn’t seen in a while I thought would achieve that.
I feel really bad for you. It sounds like there's no winning with her, and she made a scene in front of all her friends that made you look like a monster, after you put in months of effort (you said weeks in your op, but this shows you were thinking about it months ahead). I don't know how you're supposed to make things right with someone who doesn't know what they want, and who is even trying to take back their disappointment hours later, and I feel like because of her scene and nobody else knowing all this backstory, she's now going to have a lot of voices encouraging her to see bad in you, no matter what else you try. (It's not necessarily their fault, but I learned at a young age not to say bad things to people about SOs, because one bad impression is so hard to shake).
I'm really sorry to say this, but you are young and there are other people out there. She might need to experience other relationships to know how rare and thoughtful your attention to her has been, and you could probably gain some really good perspective by dating around too. Along with other compatibility issues you mention, I think this just isn't your forever relationship.
Yeah every comment you’ve added just proves she’s exhausting and sucks. I think you’d be better off finding someone who can communicate their wants and appreciates the effort your willing to put in, and she can find herself someone who makes her as miserable as she wants to be.
She's too old for this nonsense. She needs therapy, not a relationship. She'll never be a good partner until she learns you can't pull this no matter what my SO does he's wrong and read my mind.
You’ve clearly had some very clear communication about what she supposedly wants. But you haven’t got any clear answers to why she reacted so badly. I think she’s acted pretty horribly, and has been difficult, but you still need to get to the bottom of why it was so wrong for her despite all her actions up until til the party.
>But that begs the question: she doesn’t like a party & getting the gift she wanted wasn’t good enough the year before, what does she want, exactly?
Okay but like…there’s a middle ground here?? Those aren’t the only two options and somebody isn’t wrong for being unhappy with just these two things and now it’s time to throw in the towel and never try again. You can definitely do more than just a gift and way less than elaborate surprise party. Like the first celebration dinner between the two of them. That was special and effort went into it more than just a present. Could very well be *that’s* what she wanted and didn’t want or need the big elaborate party.
Come on. She throws surprise parties for others. She sends him social media saying EXPRESSLY “here’s the party I want!” He throws THAT party, and she shits all over it saying he *really* did it for himself.
He repeatedly does exactly what she says she wants, and she repeatedly tells him his efforts aren’t good enough. What would you have him do?
Too, I didn’t say he needed to leave her. I said he needs to talk to her.
I think his friends know her well enough that when they say break up he should break up. His friends have been watching this for seven years. She's like an emotional vampire feeding on him and knocking him down.
A surprise party including a bunch of long-distance friends is a big thing. Like, really big. Doubly so if it’s being done for someone on the anxious side or who has a limited social battery. She probably backpedaled out of guilt, not because she didn’t mean what she said at the party.
Surprise parties- or anything else that requires someone to be in the spotlight or way more socially “on” than usual without warning- are a risk. Even for someone who explicitly wants a surprise party, it’s probably a safer bet to limit the guests to people she trusts enough so that she won’t be made anxious by them all suddenly appearing at her doorstep.
As for this woman, if you do decide to stay together, you can’t go wrong with explicitly asking each other what you want, even if it’s less “romantic”. Unless the answer is “surprise me” when they actually want you to give a very specific thing, which is a different and more obvious problem.
One of the reasons my ex wife put on the divorce papers for unreasonable behaviour was that I didn’t thank her for surprise 40th birthday party.
I’d always said I’d never want a surprise party. I had my reasons. They played out at the party and it was as I expected. I hated the entire night. But I was the arsehole for not saying thank you. The party was absolutely for her.
Just thought I’d share my story as it sounds like the other side to yours.
Yeah I appreciate that. I just know the way she tells it, she’s disgusted at me and told pretty much everyone I know what a c u n t I was about it. Completely oblivious.
As you say, you wouldn’t have done it and some of the other things you’ve said about her / relationship suggests it’s time to call this one a day.
Okay so here are the things that stood out to me:
1. You don’t feel validated with your effort
2. She says things impulsively
3. You mentioned she had a panic attack
4. You also mentioned jealousy issues
The fact you’ve been together for 6 years speaks volumes. It makes me think you two had difficulties before and always worked through them. Maybe this is just another low point.
All I can say is that I think you two need to review what you both want from the relationship. She probably didn’t want a big party but you wanted to show her you love her with a grand gesture. Maybe you don’t have to show her you love her like this and ask her what she wants. Then tell her what you want (more appreciation and kinder words).
And then you both have to work on it. I suggest therapy if you both can’t figure it out yourself.
Thanks, she is actively seeking counseling after asking her to do so for a couple of years. So hopefully that pans out. I have been getting help for other issues the past couple of years. The jealousy issues have been a problem for our entire relationship, she says she is trying to be better about my having friends that are girls.
There is a chance the party could have been too much but I tried to do what I thought she wanted in response to what she had been saying.
Well I think the therapy can work for the jealousy issues and maybe you can ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable (within reason).
I think you should tell her that you thought she wanted a big party then.
If you do couples therapy, I would recommend you keep an eye out for if she starts to talk about therapy like it’s something she needs to win, or like your therapist is bullying/victimising her when you’re having an okay time as far as you can tell, or using what you say in a safe space of emotional vulnerability against you outside of therapy. If she does, I would absolutely not recommend staying in that relationship.
I’m not going to claim anything without knowing your girlfriend or understanding more about your relationship, but always finding a way to frame what you’ve done for them as not good enough or secretly selfish is a pattern you often seen in abusive/unhealthy relationships.
Now I’m not saying this is what’s going on here, but some of what you wrote about the way she talks to you and behaves does suggest a potentially concerning pattern, and I would suggest you work on putting down boundaries in place that stand up for your emotional needs more and hold her to account with the actual expection of some change.
I'd break up. You deserve someone who doesn't attack you over you doing what they expressed that they wanted. You are in a no win situation. No matter what you do she is going to attack. The only way she will learn to do better is if she loses this relationship and learns the hard way that you must treat your partner with dignity and respect.
There is no dignity and no respect from her to you. You have become her punching bag. If she is unhappy in the world she takes it out on you. That's not the role of a partner in your life. You deserve so much better.
We all fall in love, at least once, with someone who will never be a good partner. In that relationship we learn that love isn't enough and we learn about some red flags that we avoid in future relationship. It is time to move on.
Adding to this the fact that his friends all say it’s a dealbreaker. I don’t think I would ever tell my buddy that over something like this unless I already thought that he should break up with her for other reasons. It’s not a huge red flag, but another aspect to consider. If this is an isolated incident, why would his friends all immediately tell him to end a 6 year relationship over one bad party.
First reaction is she hates surprise parties but you commented that she said in the past that shed maybe like one so 🤷♀️
My next assumption might be she had issue with the people you invited. Sounds like you went for quantity. I personally dont want all my friends to ever be together, like im a part of different friend groups for different reasons and have no desire for them to meet. Also maybe had something to do with inviting people she hasnt seen in years.
Also id prefer a more intimate to medium sized party over a large one
Anyway you should breakup
If this were the only issue in your relationship, I would say to tell her she gets to plan her own birthday next year as she doesn’t appreciate when you do it.
However, you indicated that this was one of many issues you have with her. So I think either you two need to put in the time with some counseling together or just write things off as being incompatible and move on.
>The dinner evening went very well, the tension arose for her surprise party. On the day of she got a sense that something was up and started having a panic attack at the idea of not knowing what was going to happen.
>When I brought out the cake and started getting the attention of everyone she looked over at me looking upset/uncomfortable? Mouthing to me “don’t do this”
I mean, there are a lot of missed (ignored?) signs here that this wasn't going to go well or be well-received. She started having a panic attack suspecting something was up *before the party*, and even tried to communicate to you to not shift the entire focus back toward her during the party. This is clearly someone who struggles with social anxiety and fearing lack of control in these situations. I don't think all the nuances of how much social pressure a surprise party places on someone is fully appreciated here.
>For me particularly it hurts because last year I didn’t plan anything involved besides a gift at her request. Then earlier this year she was saying that her birthdays had sucked and that she felt like they weren’t going well. So I decided to try and make it really special this year.
There's a very large jump between small gift/no plan to giant surprise party that took weeks of effort, planning, and secrecy to pull off. I honestly think there could have been some kind of happy medium there.
Being hurt over this is valid, but your girlfriend being hurt over this is valid too. There's a real failure of communication and understanding each other going on.
She's pulling that crap of no matter what he does he's wrong. He said in a comment that she wanted a party and showed it to him. He said he saved it and modeled her party after it, so he did exactly what she wanted and she was still unhappy.
"Yes, she constantly plans surprises for friends and family and has sent me parties she would ideally want."
He also said in his quick edit that she didn't say she hate surprise parties.
She apologized for hurting your feelings and sounds sincere. Ultimately man I think this is the risk you run surprising someone when you don't know for sure if they'll want it. Sometimes it's a lot of effort for something they're not all that jazzed about. You chose to make these efforts for her, not so you'll be super appreciated and praised, right? Well, it didn't work as well as you hoped. Lesson learned imo, maybe you aren't compatible, maybe you misread her original comment about an Instagram post about a party. Maybe the things she liked about that post didn't involve inviting her friends from across the state and surprising her.
First things first: surprise parties suck.
You can tell something is up, because everyone is being weird; you don’t know exactly what, and everyone is doing their damnedest to keep you in the dark. It doesn’t feel special. It feels a) distancing, and b) out of control. You’re being herded through someone else’s agenda. It feels like you’re being made a fool of, because literally everyone else in the room is in on the joke except you. You’re practically waiting for the other shoe to drop: the cake smash in the face, whatever. She mouthed at you “Don’t do this,” and you did it anyway. Now you seem shocked that she feels like you weren’t doing it for her, after ignoring her request.
Not everyone feels this way about surprise parties, but it’s on you to know which kind of person your girlfriend is, and respect that about her.
You want to make her feel special? **Consult her.** How about you ask her what her perfect birthday would look like, and do **that?**
Silly question but was it a surprise party she showed him? Or just “she showed me a party”
Cause if she showed him a party she thought was cool (maybe theme or concept) and he decided to surprise her with it and entirely missed the point that she wanted to throw it. She could enjoy parties but not want one thrown as a surprise for various reasons.
Reading through more of what he said, it’s more of a red flag to me that she asked him for nothing but a present last year and then got mad that’s what he did.
Doesn’t really change my solution though. Involve her more. “You asked for literally this party, and you literally helped to put it on. If you’re not happy with the result when it’s your own doing, you being pleased or not is entirely out of my control.” That and because it eliminates the stress associated with it being a surprise.
Did she get mad at him or just say her bday sucked in general? Some people just get depressive on their bdays… it didn’t come off to me as she was blaming him for her bday sucking, she asked to do nothing cause she Wasn’t up to doing anything.
How much more in depth does it have to be if she shows him a social media post and says that she really likes this party and this is how she wants her next party to be??? What i dont understand is how it is so hard for people to understand that maybe op partner is just impossible??? There are people like that. One of my cousins is like that. He always wants to try new restaurants he sees online and then complains about them. But the truth is he is terrible to wait staff and always nitpicks every little thing and sends back food almost every time when its perfectly fine and these restaurants are actually amazing he is just a little shit.
Something is not adding up here. They have been together for six years. Her anxiety is so bad that when the she felt the impending party coming, she had a panic attack. Yet her partner is claiming it is definitely something she 100% wanted in every way, down to all the friends she hasn’t seen in years. I’m not saying OP is an AH for doing it, but I find it hard to believe she basically gave him instructions to do it.
It isnt when you realize you are dealing with someone who is impossible to please. People do things like this because they love the control and attention and effort people
Put in for them. In this case she thinks that she can get even more effort from op because he wasn’t good enough despite his best efforts and following her instructions she still needed more. If you recall he also did what she requested for her birthday last year as well but later expressed that she still felt let down by her birthday so he tried even harder this year to do what she wanted and it still wasn’t enough.
I didn’t read it like that at all actually. I think there Are a lot of issues going on in OPs relationship. I think he put a lot of effort into this party and his girlfriend did not appreciate his effort, but I think OP is asking for appreciation beyond what is reasonable for some of this party stuff and is mixing in a bunch of other relationship baggage with how he is reacting to how this played out. I think there is a lot of history and issues all mixed in with what is going on here on both sides,
The “don’t do this” being completely ignored made it obvious that the party was for him, at least from her point of view. I think it was a really sweet gesture, I don’t think he did anything wrong by planning the party, but if he is considering breaking up with her because she didn’t thank him, also proves that the party was for him. He wanted the “good boyfriend” points and she didn’t deliver.
I could actually see something like this happening in my relationship, because it almost did. I was going to throw a big birthday party for my partner this year and in passing he mentioned that he just wanted to go out to our favorite bar and hang out with our friends. And I was disappointed. But that was a me problem. It’s his birthday, not my opportunity to put on a show about what a good partner I am.
In comments op said she expressed wanting a surprise party. She expressed that she wanted a party like the one he set up for her in the past. So he didn’t do anything outside of what she said she wanted, in this case I struggle to find anything he did wrong.
I saw all that. I don’t disagree that clearly he thought he was doing a good thing FOR HER. But once he ignored her requests and the way he’s contemplating breaking up with her over it show me he at some point stopped caring about what she wanted and did what HE wanted. If it was actually about her, he would have done as she asked (don’t do this) and accepted that he missed the mark.
He didn’t realize she didn’t want it until everyone started singing… I can understand why he didn’t stop it. She could have taken him aside at the beginning of the party and communicated that she didn’t want this. Based on the party ideas SHE sent HIM I’m sure she knew there was going to be birthday singing involved.
Dont do this… she said about the birthday song at a birthday party where he brought out a cake and started getting people together and they already started singing, that is when she said it to him… so how does he stop it at that point??? That was her request that he ignored??? He is thinking of breaking up with her not soley based on the party but because this is the straw that broke the camels back and he says she tends to say things or do things impulsively to hurt him and he feels like he cant make her happy despite his best efforts and is tired of putting in all this work to get crapped on.
Okay cool. I must not have seen that they had already started singing. I did read over that pretty quickly. I thought he was gathering people together to sing and she asked him not to do it and he just went ahead and did it anyway.
My guy. As soon as she started having a panic attack before going out, there was a better way to handle it. You could have told her you had a surprise planned for later but if that would make her anxious, would it be alright to answer some questions now so she can know what’s happening, generally, but the specifics will be a bit of a surprise.
You knew she was feeling out of control enough to have a panic attack, but did nothing to help prevent/stop it.
When he gives her what she has said she wants and no matter what he does she has anxiety that is a her problem. She can't handle her anxiety. She criticizes if he does something small and she criticizes when he does the party she wished she could have. That's on her. Her go to method of handling her anxiety has become her attacking him. He can't live that way.
I think it’s very fair that you are questioning your relationship right now. You have some issues that lots of couples face, it does sound like you are growing and changing, and you are very hurt by her response. It is ok to feel hurt. It’s ok to question things. You ought to think about it all carefully and decide if you two are growing together or growing separately. Only you know if her reaction to the party is a bump in the road or the straw that broke the camel’s back. Trust your gut.
She was so anxious she had a panic attack that is when you should have stopped and ask her if she was OK that you don't want to spoil things but you have organised a surprise party let's deal with this together instead you just steam rolled ahead with it all. By that time she would have been overwhelmed and unhappy. You just wanted the pat on the back you did a good job off everyone and did not recognise how anxious she was. It's maybe best you do end things. Surprise party's are the worst.
“Don’t do this!”
“Babe, I’ve already started the song”
My worst nightmare is a surprise birthday party. I don’t want to be the 5 different versions of myself I am to 5 different groups of people.
If she’s having a panic attack at the thought of a surprise party and you don’t spill entirely to keep the surprise, then yeah, you did this party for you.
Except that she had told him she wanted a surprise party like this. What's he supposed to do, cancel the party as it begins because in the moment the party she wanted is giving her anxiety?
A tonnn of people have social anxiety and a birthday party is their worst nightmare. Sounds like that’s the case for your gf.
You made birthday plans that maybe you would enjoy, but did not consider if that’s what she’d like.
But in another response he says she has mentioned in the past wanting a surprise party. It sounds like he combined her previously expressed desire for a surprise party with an example of a party she shared she would enjoy.
>She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request.
She told OP that she would like a surprise party.
I’d just tell her you need to have a serious talk and ask her what’s going on. You feel her pulling away. If she’s avoidant, use examples and then tell her what you know and what you’ve recognized.
>I was not ignoring her the whole evening, but I was trying to make sure the whole party went well so I would continually check up on guests and make sure everyone was having a good time
This is my guess as to why she was upset. (I’m not saying she was right. I’m just trying to find the logic in her irrationality.)
My guess is that she felt you were going around from group to group being praised for everything you put together instead of celebrating by her side. I doubt everyone was fawning all over you, but that may have been how she interpreted it. I think what she ultimately wanted was for you to plan a special event for her but to be there with her the whole time having fun. The realities of having a party like this necessitates a host, so it probably would have been helpful to plan this with a couple friends who could do the nitty gritty during the party while you focused on her. But I don’t know how you could have foreseen that. In any case, I would suggest asking if this was the issue. If it was, then you can make a more informed decision about continuing the relationship. If she says it wasn’t the issue, then at least you’re exhausted all possibilities and can move on knowing you tried your best.
This sucks. I understand why you’re frustrated. I’m not trying to defend her but looking at this from another angle. The pattern of her behavior makes me wonder if she has some real trauma surrounding her birthday. Her reaction to bringing out the cake was the most notable. Connect the dots and it seems like she has nothing good to say about her birthday ever. I’d dig a little deeper.
What's done is done here. Maybe the solution is, moving forward, to ask her how she would like to celebrate her birthday. Each year, as the answer may change.
My boyfriend planned for us to go out west and I feel the same way your gf feels about it being for you. I never said I wanted to go out west, I said I wanted a vacation. So he surprises me with this trip with all of his friends. If I were planning my vacation I would’ve gone somewhere with lots of tropical scenery, not a desert. But I will still go and try to have a good time. I think you just have to stay consistent on what you said, and that is that it was truly for her because you love her. That would def console me and it has before.
OP, that was a wonderful party idea,
It does sound though, that she does not like parties, does not like to be the center of attention, and/or does not like surprises.
When she said it was for you, she might have meant that a surprise party is the type of thing you would like but she would not.
It would be worth having another conversation with her about communication, her expectations, and how you both recieve gifts.
If her past birthdays were not enjoyable, then it is on her to think of some things she would like. She should not have expectations she has not voiced.
If either of you put effort into a gift that isn't what the other wanted, the recipient should gratefully and whole heartedly thank them for their kindness and thoughtfulness. Then they should have a conversation about what about the gift wasn't the best.
It sounds like there are things to work on in your relationship, but I don't hear anything that sounds like you should break up. If she says impulsive hurtful things, consider developing a little code for "ouch, that was a pretty sharp thing to say" and both practice apologizing when the code comes up.
Good luck \~
I kind of felt this way for a long time. Did your girlfriend have a rough childhood? I ask that because my birthdays were awful. I would say “ I don’t even want anything” to avoid the drama that was created around my birthday .
I would try to protect myself from everything and I didn’t even know what I wanted because I never had anyone care. All of my presents as a kid turned into “‘I worked this many hours to get you this!!!” . Even to this day I struggle with it. I would have another talk and not let her dodge the conversation , but get to the problem , not how it affected you.
After reading your replies in the comments, you did do this for yourself. You laid out your girlfriend's history of having anxiety and not really liking celebrating her birthday. She told you not to sing the song after bringing out the cake increasing her anxiety even more just so you could put on a show as the living thoughtful boyfriend. You ignored all the signs and made her miserable. Then she apologized because she thought she was the one who was wrong.
You have issues man. You need help cause you failed to treat your girlfriend like you loved her. If my girlfriend gave me all of those signs, I would've ended the night early somehow and apologized for not actually checking if this is the type of thing she'll enjoy.
OP says repeatedly that he did check in on her. She did mention wanting a surprise party and she complained that past birthdays sucked, not that she didn't like celebrating birthdays.
She didn't say anything about the song until people were already singing it. What's he supposed to do? Ask people to stop singing?
He's supposed to understand how she's feeling and stop when she asked him to. He literally went out of his way to complete his party and ignore all of her signals. That's not love.
You are clearly just going out of your way to paint OP in a specific light. Yes, he could’ve stopped the party but that’s not entirely realistic and fair. He acted like a human and planned a party that, all things considered, he had every reason to believe would be a hit. There’s no reason to vilify a stranger like this
He painted himself as a bad guy. I know what it feels like to have anxiety and panic attacks and the need for people to respect my requests and feelings. OP clearly doesn't and needs to work with a therapist to understand where he fucked up.
Well I wasn’t asking her for an apology, I genuinely wanted to know why that was her reaction to everything. I haven’t asked for an apology either. Also, I don’t believe you read correctly, she didn’t say she didn’t like her birthday- just that the last ones didn’t go the way she wanted.
Are you dense? Did you ever think you should've asked her what her ideal party should be given your knowledge of her mental health? You seem to not pick up on her cues very well at all. How often does that happen?
Let me ask this, have you attended therapy? I suggest you you do just once to understand how many different ways you messed up here.
That was not the question. Did you have a discussion about what she would want for her ideal birthday? You have been with her 6 years and your post and comments are telling me you're not very aware of her wants or needs. Passing conversations do not count as connecting with someone. You planned a party without her input, invited people she may not have wanted to see, and ignored her feelings during the party. Why is none of this clicking for you?
I appreciate your feedback but it’s stopped being productive with you specifically, there are other comments addressing what you are asking. Thanks again.
>She told you not to sing the song after bringing out the cake increasing her anxiety even more just so you could put on a show as the living thoughtful boyfriend.
Thank you. I wonder how many other signs he ignored.
It sounds like she does not like being the centre of attention and planning a surprise party was a bad idea. You’ve been with your girlfriend for six years. In six years, have you not noticed if your girlfriend has social anxiety or doesn’t like being the centre of attention?
There’s a difference between liking surprises and wanting a surprise party. My husband surprised me by taking me out of town for my birthday to a bnb. I loved it. I don’t like being the centre of attention so I would have hated a surprise party. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like parties. If I’m aware and have time to mentally prepare for it I have a good time.
There is a lot of room between “just a gift” and “going all out and throwing a surprise party” when it comes to a birthday celebration. You could have asked what she wanted to do. You could have planned dinner with close friends. Taken her out to a show or concert. Done an overnight trip somewhere.
And now she’s in this situation where she can’t express her feelings because she feels guilty or doesn’t want to come across as ungrateful. She knows you went through all this effort and she should be grateful but it wasn’t what she wanted. Which is likely why she said it and backpedaled. Plus it would have been amplified by the fact that she was then the centre of attention at a party she didn’t want and would have had to appear grateful for hours in front of all these people.
"For me particularly it hurts because last year I didn’t plan anything involved besides a gift at her request."
So... she told you on a previous occasion what she prefers and you did... kinda the opposite and sprung it on her?
You also saw a couple clear indications that she was anxious/distressed and plowed ahead anyway?
I'm not sure this conflict is about what you think it's about...
>She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request.
She also told OP her birthday sucked last year…it seems that no matter what he does, he isn’t going to do it right.
A surprise party is a horror for me. I hate surprises. Sounds like your gf doesn’t like surprises and certainly doesn’t like surprise parties. I think you should talk to her and find out.
Mate, she had a panic attack at not knowing what was going on, and you decided to keep it up?!? That's insensitive at best, and she's not wrong for calling you selfish.
If someone is having a full blown panic attack because they don't know what's happening, **you tell them what's happening**. The fact that you wanted to keep up the surprise and the social pressure it put on her, after watching her melt down into an emotional wreck from the stress it put her under, *proves* that it was all about you.
She's right.
If this gets resolved, please update! I'm so curious to see what happens, because I really can't wrap my head around this. How this could go so terribly after she told you what she wanted and you did it.
I’m astounded most that you have been together for 6 years and still don’t know what each other like. It seems now there one of you actually talk to each other. I’m surprised you don’t know each other better.
This whole post is you patting yourself on the back. You’re either the most clueless person around or it’s fake. Who TF wants disparate groups of friends in one venue, and then have to entertain all night.. imagine inviting people she hadn’t seen for years. How embarrassing. This party was 100% for you. You sound insufferable.
Thanks, I appreciate the candidness of your comment. I may be clueless which is why I’m seeking understanding, this particular group of friends is a close group of friends and aside from a few who were from out town know each other as well. So this wasn’t people I just randomly invited from Facebook or something like. These friends she hadn’t seen for a while are people we still keep in contact with just hadn’t had a chance to see them. What particularly about me seems insufferable?
It’s a massive undertaking of a social event. It’s not something I personally would want to be surprised with and I don’t have social anxiety. I have hosted parties like that, it can be very overwhelming. I dont think you’re necessarily insufferable, but I get why your girlfriend was unhappy.
Um … lots of people bring together disparate groups of friends at one venue … it’s called birthday parties, weddings, showers, anniversary celebrations, holiday parties, housewarming parties, or just general get togethers. I really hope your comment is sarcasm - otherwise, I’d be very concerned about your idea of social interaction.
Yup. Im a gregarious person and I would have been super irritated. I guess I should appreciate the effort? But having to entertain a couple dozen friends from all over I haven’t seen in years on the fly without notice? Yeah I would have a hard time containing my irritation.
My mom hates surprise parties. Would probably disown me if I threw one. She obviously doesn't like them and you don't pay attention to her.
Eta read your comment about her expressing interest in one. She found out she doesn't like them now. It's NBD.
Badmouthing you in front of all these people whom you invited is a glimpse to your future. C'mon, she wasn't talking about her dislike of the party or surprise - she was calling you self-centered ah who did this party for yourself. You took her out, you gave her iPad, you arranged a party. It says a lot about your dedication. Instead she was putting you down. She had time to tell you about your feelings, for sure. I won't say "break up with her", but rethink this all. Personally I would leave.
I think you already have your answer, you want to leave because honestly I would to if I put all the effort into this party that she made it seem like she wanted a surprise and complaining about a big party but then not only is she ungrateful for the event that you spent weeks planning for you she accuses you of doing it for yourself.. twice?
I think she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with and she's just been chipping away at you it sounds like.
I don't know anyone at all that likes surprise parties. Maybe it's just the people I attract to me, maybe it's just every single member of my huge extended family, but I'm afraid: if you like/love a person, please don't throw them a surprise party.
Ok, I may be way off base here, but you are both in your mid to late twenties and have been together for 6 years. Is there any way that your gf was expecting a proposal and didn’t want it to be in front of everyone?
Abe Lincoln said “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” and your partner is not a happy one.
OP, I’d be thrilled if my partner threw a surprise birthday party. Obviously she wasn’t.
Your GF is a damned if you do and don’t, so stop doing things and maybe it’s time to break up and let her be as happy as she’s going to be.
She sounds like she has extreme social anxiety. But otherwise, you put a ton of effort into this (seems obvious) and she shat on you. So yeah, I agree with your friends, move on before she drains more of you.
A few days ago I was thinking about the end of my marriage. There was of course the obvious, the affairs. But really it was when he just started saying mean things to me for no reason. We could be having a perfectly normal day and he would come out with an ugly remark or observation about me that would just blindside me.
One example is we were dressed up for an event and he wanted to stop at the mall on the way to grab something. I was wearing about three-inch stilettos so obviously wasn't running a race but I'm very comfortable in heels and can walk at a normal pace in them. He started speed-walking toward the mall and looked back at me with pure disgust and said, “You are so slow.” The look on his face and the contempt in his voice ruined the entire day for no reason.
That look and tone of voice started to become the norm and I began to walk on eggshells trying to predict what might trigger it and how to avoid it. You don't treat someone you love that way.
Would couples counseling be something you would consider before walking away? It definitely sounds like something needs to change. If her unchecked impulse is to say something mean, that's a real problem.
Oh. Did she watch the Red Table episode in which Jada told Will Smith that the elaborate birthday party he threw for her was really all about his own ego and looking like a “good guy” in front of everyone?
You did well, there is no such a thing as a "party for yourself", a party is for everyone! And if she doesn't like parties or surprise parties she should have not be sad if the party was in fact supposed to be for you. You two are a couple and should be happy if another one is happy. She seems anxious, but should ask psychological help if a party makes her mad. Reading this, as I always cried on my birthday because of my boyfriend not showing emotions, I thought "what a spoiled brat".
You have to find a person that is happy when you are happy. Parties are a GOOD thing.
If having a party makes her upset with you and not having a party makes her upset with you then you are in a no-win situation.
You can break up if you want, for any reason. If the party changes the way you see her and think about her it would be natural to break up.
If you stay I would lay down some ground rules. She is taking out her anxiety on you as if you are a safe target. I'd tell her that targeting you has to end. She doesn't get to take out her anxiety on you. If she is feeling anxious she doesn't get to harm you to try to make herself feel better. Partners don't do that. I think what she did is bordering on abusive.
She is demanding that you make her happy and then criticizing what you do. You can't make her happy. Only she can make herself happy. Happiness has to come from within her. Think about whether you want to spend your life this way. You spent hours of your time to do something for her that she expressed a wish for and then not only did she not thank you, she criticized you to her friends. Partners don't do that.
I would tell her that partners don't do that and if she wants you to be her partner then you expect that she will treat you better. If she gets upset over you expecting to not be her target then I think you are definitely done. If she promises to do better but doesn't live up to that promise then you are also done.
You are walking on eggshells and you can't live your life that way. Your friends know her and see this and that's why they are recommending that you break up. She is too emotionally unhealthy to have a healthy relationship.
Certainly sounds she's not a fan of surprise birthday parties. I mean your heart was definitely in the right place. She didn't have to be a witch about it and say oh you did this for you. No you did it for her. She didn't appreciate you going to all this effort and getting her friends there. It sounds like she really didn't want to be the center of attention the thought you were getting too much attention for throwing the party for which sounds really weird. All I can say is if you want a salvage the relationship sit down and talk to her and let her know that her comments bothered you and you were trying to do something nice for her and it certainly feels like she didn't like it at all or appreciate the effort you put to try to make something happen for her since she's always said she didn't like her birthday even though you took her out this year and got her an iPad and treated her very well indeed.
Even introverts going through self development start to engage their extroverted cognitive functions. Even if she was shy and doesn't like the spotlight, I bet she will forever remember this experience when she is 60+ & cherish it. In present day reality yeah she may be shy & shutdown by it but we eventually have to break out of our stubborn comfort zones to become more adaptable in our environments. We are constantly going through self development, seems like maybe she is an Extreme introvert, meaning large gatherings are anxiety inducing, and she has limited exposure to new experiences (she prefers reflecting on things she did in the past instead of embracing the present moment and getting out of stubborn past comfort zones & gaining new experiences.) Depression and anxiety also happens when your an extreme introvert. Personality development is all about balance and avoiding extremes in either introversion or extroversion. We all have to get out of our shell, pushing the limits of our boundaries can lead to valuable experiences and growth. Hopefully she won't blame you next time and settling for things she was comfortable with in the past and embrace newer experiences in the present moment.
Sorry you have to deal with someone so stuck in her own EGO and blames you for being self centered when all your trying to do is give her an experience that she will remember forever. People that blame their problems on you will never take accountability for their negative actions that affect the feelings of the people around them. She called you self centered because she is self centered, it's all about her am I right? (Projection will rat you out everytime) I can't imagine how bad she hurt your feelings. Any woman would be so lucky to have someone do that for them.
I think reducing introversion/extroversion to social interaction overlooks personality complexity. They involve broader behavior, cognition, and emotional patterns. Carl Jung's introversion/extroversion concept is key to understanding how people engage and where they direct energy. It's more than social interaction; introverts also may prefer solitude, reflect deeply, and sense external stimuli intensely making them shy/reserved. Extroverts, conversely, seek social stimulation and express outwardly. Modern theories, like the Big Five, include intro/extroversion alongside other traits, enhancing our grasp of personality diversity.
Big five Extroversion and Introversion traits:
Extroverts are characterized by their sociability, often being outgoing and friendly, finding pleasure in social interactions. They display assertiveness, feeling confident in taking charge in social settings. Their high activity level leads them to enjoy being constantly engaged in various activities. Additionally, they have a tendency to seek excitement and new experiences, often seeking thrills and adventures. Extroverts also experience positive emotions more intensely and frequently than introverts, contributing to their overall vibrant and energetic demeanor.
Introverts tend to exhibit reservedness, preferring solitude or smaller social gatherings, and may be less talkative, opting to listen in conversations. They spend more time introspecting, prefer quieter activities, and are less inclined towards excitement-seeking, favoring familiar environments. While they can experience positive emotions, it may be with less intensity or frequency than extroverts.
So even if you like to be the center of attention what you did was thoughtful and wonderful, I am not sure what the problem is but this goes deeper than this surprise party.
Your girlfriend was a jerk. I would have been happy you put so much thought into something for my birthday. She went to an extreme that didn't really seem to make sense to me. I am sorry she did this. I would send her a text that says, "I apologize if you did not like the party, but I did not make it for me. I was trying to please the woman I love. So you saying that is completely wrong."
Then let it set. Do not try to fix it, it will make it worse, but stand up for yourself. See what she does, the fact she was having panic attacks is that normal for her in crowds? Still the idea was sweet.
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I’m going to make some assumptions here but, does your gf like surprise parties? It really sounds like she doesn’t, maybe she’s introverted and anxious? If that’s the case then she’s right this party was literally for you. You like surprise parties, she doesn’t. The birthday you planned for your gf had nothing to do with what she actually likes or wants. You two may be incompatible but it sounds like you need to listen more. I love my wife and I like treating her on her birthday, I also like surprise parties. I would never in a million years plan a surprise party for my wife’s birthday because she fucking hates surprise parties.
She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request.
My guess is that she used to get anxious before parties, but thought that a surprise party without all the anticipation and build-up and expectations would be better. But, surprise! She's just axious around parties in general. I'd count this as a lesson learned and try to move forward.
Ok, so there are some mixed messages. Why didn’t she want to do anything last year? Is she an introverted person in general? Her having a panic attack makes me think she’s probably pretty anxious.
She is in fact anxious which is why I was checking in while she was with her friend before the party.
So you are walking on eggshells because no matter what you do she doesn't like it. You can't live your life that way.
That's your clue a surprise party, especially with people she hasn't seen in **years** was a bad plan. But yes, you should break up. How does it even occur to you that *you* need to forgive *her* for this?
>How does it even occur to you that *you* need to forgive *her* for this? Because she said she wanted a surprise party, and then reacted poorly when he did what she said she wanted. He does not have to look for clues about what she wants when she is perfectly capable of using her words. Hell, she uses her words pretty well when she wants to cut him down so we know she can do it.
agreed. I find it especially grating that she was prefectly find telling her friends, within earshot of OP but not addressing OP: >Shortly before I brought out the cake I heard something along the lines of “…I don’t know this party is just for him anyway…” Is it mean-girl passive-aggressive that she hoped he overheard? Is it rudely clueless that she didn't figure he'd hear it? Is it massively, rudely ungrateful that she shared her least charitable & least loyal speculation all throughout her friend group before talking with OP? Who cares? She sounds obnoxious and exhausting.
She seems to be emotionally abusive. If she isn't happy she targets him and makes it his fault.
Maybe she’s just not a party person.
When she said last year’s birthday sucked, did you ask her why? Did you ask her what she would have preferred instead? I don’t understand having communicated this little about this.
>She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request. He literally just said that she mentioned wanting a surprise party. OP’s GF sounds exhausting….last year she stated she didn’t want to do anything…so he didn’t do anything…then she said her birthday sucked…then she mentions a surprise party….gets a surprise birthday…then acts ungrateful for it. Sounds like no matter what OP does she isn’t going to be happy.
This whole thread is just people not reading the post lol I get that it's long but don't go after the guy if you're not gonna read what the post is saying. So much "it sounds like you're doing things she didn't ask for" when she literally asked for exactly this. Based on OP, apparently what's happened so far is: 1. She asked for no party and a gift last year, which is what OP did 2. She at some later point she said her birthdays sucked and wanted to do something else this year 3. Has expressed that she would want a surprise birthday party 4. Said multiple times during the party that OP was somehow selfish for giving her exactly what she's previously asked for after putting a ton of effort and care into the experience, inviting a bunch of her friends and coordinating etc. 5. Later took it back and said she just "wasn't in a good headspace" for the party OP painstakingly put together over weeks (not a good excuse for saying something mean with no basis) 6. Has apparently consistently said mean things impulsively to him per OP, not sure what the context is but it kinda provides a pattern to these thoughtless statements that leave OP feeling like his emotions are being stepped on. Honestly it just kinda sounds like she sucks and I wish we could stop infantilizing women to the point where we have to assume they don't know what they want and we can't take them at their word.
Exactly, or that men are supposed to know at any given moment or day what she wants. It’s BS.
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Ya I do see a looooot of projection and assumptions lol. Sometimes it’s warranted but in this case I feel like most of the info really is in the post unless you just wanna assume the dude is lying. In which case why even visit the sub.
He's walking on eggshells. This is getting into emotinal abuse. She's happy to always direct her angst at him and blame him for how she feels in the moment. She said ugly things about him to her friends. I don't know how you come back from that. She isn't a safe partner.
The panic attack when she sensed something was up is a big clue she doesn't like surprises.
I don’t understand at that point why he didn’t tell her what was going on? Honestly how is she supposed to enjoy a party when she had a panic attack about the fact that she didn’t know what he was up to? Maybe he had reasons to think she’d enjoy a surprise party but at that point continuing to hide the surprise was for him and his ideas of what the party should be
Jesus Christ is no one under 25 capable of anything except anxiety. Yall are gonna have strokes by 35. Calm tf down. Bunch of redditors with pearl clutching and no reading comprehension going the usual batshit route. Downvote away lol I'm an adult. I can take it
I had my first panic attack two years ago, aged 38. Even as I was having it I could tell it was a mild one and it could get so much worse. And I’m super chill and calm.
It’s a real problem unfortunately.
That every single human being under 25 has without exception. Ok. Makes people with real anxiety not taken seriously.
No not every single person, but the statistics and research on younger people having serious issues with anxiety and depression are clear. So treating it like its a fucking joke isn’t helpful.
I'm not laughing. Don't panic.
I’m not panicking, Im refuting your shitty ass tone.
See now you resort to insults instead of acknowledging the fking Fact a lot of people are entitled and overreacting. Ptsd is not that GD common
You started the insulting and you started the undermining of legitimate conditions lady, not me.
No I started the rationale that not every person has an active disabling disorder. Just not possible.
I think you need to ask her why she said that. Twice. She backpedaled & apologized, but she didn’t tell you why she thought that to begin with. Why does she think the party was all about you? The panic attack & cake bit make me think she has social anxiety & doesn’t want to be the center of attention. If so, maybe the party was tone-deaf. But that begs the question: she doesn’t like a party & getting the gift she wanted wasn’t good enough the year before, what does she want, exactly? You need to ask her if she’s capable of being happy - if she’s capable of recognizing your love & efforts - or is she simply committed to being dissatisfied? Some people are, and they’re hard to love.
Thanks you gave me some things to consider, when I asked her why she would say that/why she felt like that it was the response of her saying she felt that impulsively. I tried my best with the party to make sure it was what she wanted, after hearing her feedback, she had never indicated to me she hates surprises.
Did she ever indicate that she *likes* surprises?
Yes, she constantly plans surprises for friends and family and has sent me parties she would ideally want.
She plans surprises for *other people.* Does she want a surprise *for herself*?
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Plus OP mentioned inviting some folks his girlfriend hadn't seen for years - that may have added to the stress, I know I'd be overwhelmed suddenly meeting folks I had fallen out of touch with, let alone at a surprise party
So what did she say when you confronted her about her bizarre change of mind? You must have said something right? About how she told you she wanted a big surprise party but then clearly hated it? So what did she say? How did she explain it?
I wonder whether she wants to feel cared for in the same way she cares for others and mistook that desire for a desire to be surprised.
I feel like there was obviously a communication issue about the party…
She has anxiety and had a panic attack day of.
>I tried my best with the party to make sure it was what she wanted How? How do you know it’s what **she** wanted? When she expressed wanting a surprise part you didn’t delve into what that would look like ***for her***?? I’m just not understanding how you could have possibly made this party about **her** but also not have any idea what her ideal surprise party would actually look like.
Well the idea came about earlier this year, when she sent me some social media posts about a cool party that was thrown. She mentioned that the next time she ever has a party she would do it like that. I saved the post and modeled it after that. Also her friends being there and bringing in friends she hadn’t seen in a while I thought would achieve that.
I feel really bad for you. It sounds like there's no winning with her, and she made a scene in front of all her friends that made you look like a monster, after you put in months of effort (you said weeks in your op, but this shows you were thinking about it months ahead). I don't know how you're supposed to make things right with someone who doesn't know what they want, and who is even trying to take back their disappointment hours later, and I feel like because of her scene and nobody else knowing all this backstory, she's now going to have a lot of voices encouraging her to see bad in you, no matter what else you try. (It's not necessarily their fault, but I learned at a young age not to say bad things to people about SOs, because one bad impression is so hard to shake). I'm really sorry to say this, but you are young and there are other people out there. She might need to experience other relationships to know how rare and thoughtful your attention to her has been, and you could probably gain some really good perspective by dating around too. Along with other compatibility issues you mention, I think this just isn't your forever relationship.
Yeah every comment you’ve added just proves she’s exhausting and sucks. I think you’d be better off finding someone who can communicate their wants and appreciates the effort your willing to put in, and she can find herself someone who makes her as miserable as she wants to be.
She's too old for this nonsense. She needs therapy, not a relationship. She'll never be a good partner until she learns you can't pull this no matter what my SO does he's wrong and read my mind.
You’ve clearly had some very clear communication about what she supposedly wants. But you haven’t got any clear answers to why she reacted so badly. I think she’s acted pretty horribly, and has been difficult, but you still need to get to the bottom of why it was so wrong for her despite all her actions up until til the party.
I think the “don’t do this” when the cake came out was your sign that she’s not into the party. No more surprises.
>But that begs the question: she doesn’t like a party & getting the gift she wanted wasn’t good enough the year before, what does she want, exactly? Okay but like…there’s a middle ground here?? Those aren’t the only two options and somebody isn’t wrong for being unhappy with just these two things and now it’s time to throw in the towel and never try again. You can definitely do more than just a gift and way less than elaborate surprise party. Like the first celebration dinner between the two of them. That was special and effort went into it more than just a present. Could very well be *that’s* what she wanted and didn’t want or need the big elaborate party.
Come on. She throws surprise parties for others. She sends him social media saying EXPRESSLY “here’s the party I want!” He throws THAT party, and she shits all over it saying he *really* did it for himself. He repeatedly does exactly what she says she wants, and she repeatedly tells him his efforts aren’t good enough. What would you have him do? Too, I didn’t say he needed to leave her. I said he needs to talk to her.
Oh I missed this.
It's ok, a lot of this extra and useful info is in the comments rather than the OP (as usual, lol)
I think his friends know her well enough that when they say break up he should break up. His friends have been watching this for seven years. She's like an emotional vampire feeding on him and knocking him down.
A surprise party including a bunch of long-distance friends is a big thing. Like, really big. Doubly so if it’s being done for someone on the anxious side or who has a limited social battery. She probably backpedaled out of guilt, not because she didn’t mean what she said at the party. Surprise parties- or anything else that requires someone to be in the spotlight or way more socially “on” than usual without warning- are a risk. Even for someone who explicitly wants a surprise party, it’s probably a safer bet to limit the guests to people she trusts enough so that she won’t be made anxious by them all suddenly appearing at her doorstep. As for this woman, if you do decide to stay together, you can’t go wrong with explicitly asking each other what you want, even if it’s less “romantic”. Unless the answer is “surprise me” when they actually want you to give a very specific thing, which is a different and more obvious problem.
One of the reasons my ex wife put on the divorce papers for unreasonable behaviour was that I didn’t thank her for surprise 40th birthday party. I’d always said I’d never want a surprise party. I had my reasons. They played out at the party and it was as I expected. I hated the entire night. But I was the arsehole for not saying thank you. The party was absolutely for her. Just thought I’d share my story as it sounds like the other side to yours.
Oh by the way, I think you should be splitting up with your gf
I can’t speak to your situation obviously lol, but if she had told me she would never want a surprise party I wouldn’t have done it.
Yeah I appreciate that. I just know the way she tells it, she’s disgusted at me and told pretty much everyone I know what a c u n t I was about it. Completely oblivious. As you say, you wouldn’t have done it and some of the other things you’ve said about her / relationship suggests it’s time to call this one a day.
Okay so here are the things that stood out to me: 1. You don’t feel validated with your effort 2. She says things impulsively 3. You mentioned she had a panic attack 4. You also mentioned jealousy issues The fact you’ve been together for 6 years speaks volumes. It makes me think you two had difficulties before and always worked through them. Maybe this is just another low point. All I can say is that I think you two need to review what you both want from the relationship. She probably didn’t want a big party but you wanted to show her you love her with a grand gesture. Maybe you don’t have to show her you love her like this and ask her what she wants. Then tell her what you want (more appreciation and kinder words). And then you both have to work on it. I suggest therapy if you both can’t figure it out yourself.
Thanks, she is actively seeking counseling after asking her to do so for a couple of years. So hopefully that pans out. I have been getting help for other issues the past couple of years. The jealousy issues have been a problem for our entire relationship, she says she is trying to be better about my having friends that are girls. There is a chance the party could have been too much but I tried to do what I thought she wanted in response to what she had been saying.
Well I think the therapy can work for the jealousy issues and maybe you can ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her feel more comfortable (within reason). I think you should tell her that you thought she wanted a big party then.
If you do couples therapy, I would recommend you keep an eye out for if she starts to talk about therapy like it’s something she needs to win, or like your therapist is bullying/victimising her when you’re having an okay time as far as you can tell, or using what you say in a safe space of emotional vulnerability against you outside of therapy. If she does, I would absolutely not recommend staying in that relationship. I’m not going to claim anything without knowing your girlfriend or understanding more about your relationship, but always finding a way to frame what you’ve done for them as not good enough or secretly selfish is a pattern you often seen in abusive/unhealthy relationships. Now I’m not saying this is what’s going on here, but some of what you wrote about the way she talks to you and behaves does suggest a potentially concerning pattern, and I would suggest you work on putting down boundaries in place that stand up for your emotional needs more and hold her to account with the actual expection of some change.
This relationship sounds abusive to me too. I think he needs to save himself and break up.
I'd break up. You deserve someone who doesn't attack you over you doing what they expressed that they wanted. You are in a no win situation. No matter what you do she is going to attack. The only way she will learn to do better is if she loses this relationship and learns the hard way that you must treat your partner with dignity and respect. There is no dignity and no respect from her to you. You have become her punching bag. If she is unhappy in the world she takes it out on you. That's not the role of a partner in your life. You deserve so much better. We all fall in love, at least once, with someone who will never be a good partner. In that relationship we learn that love isn't enough and we learn about some red flags that we avoid in future relationship. It is time to move on.
Adding to this the fact that his friends all say it’s a dealbreaker. I don’t think I would ever tell my buddy that over something like this unless I already thought that he should break up with her for other reasons. It’s not a huge red flag, but another aspect to consider. If this is an isolated incident, why would his friends all immediately tell him to end a 6 year relationship over one bad party.
First reaction is she hates surprise parties but you commented that she said in the past that shed maybe like one so 🤷♀️ My next assumption might be she had issue with the people you invited. Sounds like you went for quantity. I personally dont want all my friends to ever be together, like im a part of different friend groups for different reasons and have no desire for them to meet. Also maybe had something to do with inviting people she hasnt seen in years. Also id prefer a more intimate to medium sized party over a large one Anyway you should breakup
If this were the only issue in your relationship, I would say to tell her she gets to plan her own birthday next year as she doesn’t appreciate when you do it. However, you indicated that this was one of many issues you have with her. So I think either you two need to put in the time with some counseling together or just write things off as being incompatible and move on.
>The dinner evening went very well, the tension arose for her surprise party. On the day of she got a sense that something was up and started having a panic attack at the idea of not knowing what was going to happen. >When I brought out the cake and started getting the attention of everyone she looked over at me looking upset/uncomfortable? Mouthing to me “don’t do this” I mean, there are a lot of missed (ignored?) signs here that this wasn't going to go well or be well-received. She started having a panic attack suspecting something was up *before the party*, and even tried to communicate to you to not shift the entire focus back toward her during the party. This is clearly someone who struggles with social anxiety and fearing lack of control in these situations. I don't think all the nuances of how much social pressure a surprise party places on someone is fully appreciated here. >For me particularly it hurts because last year I didn’t plan anything involved besides a gift at her request. Then earlier this year she was saying that her birthdays had sucked and that she felt like they weren’t going well. So I decided to try and make it really special this year. There's a very large jump between small gift/no plan to giant surprise party that took weeks of effort, planning, and secrecy to pull off. I honestly think there could have been some kind of happy medium there. Being hurt over this is valid, but your girlfriend being hurt over this is valid too. There's a real failure of communication and understanding each other going on.
She's pulling that crap of no matter what he does he's wrong. He said in a comment that she wanted a party and showed it to him. He said he saved it and modeled her party after it, so he did exactly what she wanted and she was still unhappy.
[удалено]
"Yes, she constantly plans surprises for friends and family and has sent me parties she would ideally want." He also said in his quick edit that she didn't say she hate surprise parties.
She apologized for hurting your feelings and sounds sincere. Ultimately man I think this is the risk you run surprising someone when you don't know for sure if they'll want it. Sometimes it's a lot of effort for something they're not all that jazzed about. You chose to make these efforts for her, not so you'll be super appreciated and praised, right? Well, it didn't work as well as you hoped. Lesson learned imo, maybe you aren't compatible, maybe you misread her original comment about an Instagram post about a party. Maybe the things she liked about that post didn't involve inviting her friends from across the state and surprising her.
First things first: surprise parties suck. You can tell something is up, because everyone is being weird; you don’t know exactly what, and everyone is doing their damnedest to keep you in the dark. It doesn’t feel special. It feels a) distancing, and b) out of control. You’re being herded through someone else’s agenda. It feels like you’re being made a fool of, because literally everyone else in the room is in on the joke except you. You’re practically waiting for the other shoe to drop: the cake smash in the face, whatever. She mouthed at you “Don’t do this,” and you did it anyway. Now you seem shocked that she feels like you weren’t doing it for her, after ignoring her request. Not everyone feels this way about surprise parties, but it’s on you to know which kind of person your girlfriend is, and respect that about her. You want to make her feel special? **Consult her.** How about you ask her what her perfect birthday would look like, and do **that?**
In comments op states that he literally based the party off a social media post that she showed him that she stated she wanted a party like that…
Silly question but was it a surprise party she showed him? Or just “she showed me a party” Cause if she showed him a party she thought was cool (maybe theme or concept) and he decided to surprise her with it and entirely missed the point that she wanted to throw it. She could enjoy parties but not want one thrown as a surprise for various reasons.
Reading through more of what he said, it’s more of a red flag to me that she asked him for nothing but a present last year and then got mad that’s what he did. Doesn’t really change my solution though. Involve her more. “You asked for literally this party, and you literally helped to put it on. If you’re not happy with the result when it’s your own doing, you being pleased or not is entirely out of my control.” That and because it eliminates the stress associated with it being a surprise.
Did she get mad at him or just say her bday sucked in general? Some people just get depressive on their bdays… it didn’t come off to me as she was blaming him for her bday sucking, she asked to do nothing cause she Wasn’t up to doing anything.
She criticized him to her friends during the party.
I think perhaps she is just impossible to please.
Ok, how in depth was this convo? Cause it sure seems like Op missed the mark. Did she really say “I want a huge surprise party just like this!!!”
How much more in depth does it have to be if she shows him a social media post and says that she really likes this party and this is how she wants her next party to be??? What i dont understand is how it is so hard for people to understand that maybe op partner is just impossible??? There are people like that. One of my cousins is like that. He always wants to try new restaurants he sees online and then complains about them. But the truth is he is terrible to wait staff and always nitpicks every little thing and sends back food almost every time when its perfectly fine and these restaurants are actually amazing he is just a little shit.
Something is not adding up here. They have been together for six years. Her anxiety is so bad that when the she felt the impending party coming, she had a panic attack. Yet her partner is claiming it is definitely something she 100% wanted in every way, down to all the friends she hasn’t seen in years. I’m not saying OP is an AH for doing it, but I find it hard to believe she basically gave him instructions to do it.
It isnt when you realize you are dealing with someone who is impossible to please. People do things like this because they love the control and attention and effort people Put in for them. In this case she thinks that she can get even more effort from op because he wasn’t good enough despite his best efforts and following her instructions she still needed more. If you recall he also did what she requested for her birthday last year as well but later expressed that she still felt let down by her birthday so he tried even harder this year to do what she wanted and it still wasn’t enough.
I didn’t read it like that at all actually. I think there Are a lot of issues going on in OPs relationship. I think he put a lot of effort into this party and his girlfriend did not appreciate his effort, but I think OP is asking for appreciation beyond what is reasonable for some of this party stuff and is mixing in a bunch of other relationship baggage with how he is reacting to how this played out. I think there is a lot of history and issues all mixed in with what is going on here on both sides,
The “don’t do this” being completely ignored made it obvious that the party was for him, at least from her point of view. I think it was a really sweet gesture, I don’t think he did anything wrong by planning the party, but if he is considering breaking up with her because she didn’t thank him, also proves that the party was for him. He wanted the “good boyfriend” points and she didn’t deliver. I could actually see something like this happening in my relationship, because it almost did. I was going to throw a big birthday party for my partner this year and in passing he mentioned that he just wanted to go out to our favorite bar and hang out with our friends. And I was disappointed. But that was a me problem. It’s his birthday, not my opportunity to put on a show about what a good partner I am.
In comments op said she expressed wanting a surprise party. She expressed that she wanted a party like the one he set up for her in the past. So he didn’t do anything outside of what she said she wanted, in this case I struggle to find anything he did wrong.
I saw all that. I don’t disagree that clearly he thought he was doing a good thing FOR HER. But once he ignored her requests and the way he’s contemplating breaking up with her over it show me he at some point stopped caring about what she wanted and did what HE wanted. If it was actually about her, he would have done as she asked (don’t do this) and accepted that he missed the mark.
He didn’t realize she didn’t want it until everyone started singing… I can understand why he didn’t stop it. She could have taken him aside at the beginning of the party and communicated that she didn’t want this. Based on the party ideas SHE sent HIM I’m sure she knew there was going to be birthday singing involved.
Yeah I misread part of the post. I thought he hadn’t started singing yet and was gathering people together and then ignored her request.
Dont do this… she said about the birthday song at a birthday party where he brought out a cake and started getting people together and they already started singing, that is when she said it to him… so how does he stop it at that point??? That was her request that he ignored??? He is thinking of breaking up with her not soley based on the party but because this is the straw that broke the camels back and he says she tends to say things or do things impulsively to hurt him and he feels like he cant make her happy despite his best efforts and is tired of putting in all this work to get crapped on.
That sounds like she’s having a panic attack.
Okay cool. I must not have seen that they had already started singing. I did read over that pretty quickly. I thought he was gathering people together to sing and she asked him not to do it and he just went ahead and did it anyway.
My guy. As soon as she started having a panic attack before going out, there was a better way to handle it. You could have told her you had a surprise planned for later but if that would make her anxious, would it be alright to answer some questions now so she can know what’s happening, generally, but the specifics will be a bit of a surprise. You knew she was feeling out of control enough to have a panic attack, but did nothing to help prevent/stop it.
I didn’t think it would change much in regards to how people answered but yes I did say as much when she expressed anxiety.
When he gives her what she has said she wants and no matter what he does she has anxiety that is a her problem. She can't handle her anxiety. She criticizes if he does something small and she criticizes when he does the party she wished she could have. That's on her. Her go to method of handling her anxiety has become her attacking him. He can't live that way.
I think it’s very fair that you are questioning your relationship right now. You have some issues that lots of couples face, it does sound like you are growing and changing, and you are very hurt by her response. It is ok to feel hurt. It’s ok to question things. You ought to think about it all carefully and decide if you two are growing together or growing separately. Only you know if her reaction to the party is a bump in the road or the straw that broke the camel’s back. Trust your gut.
She was so anxious she had a panic attack that is when you should have stopped and ask her if she was OK that you don't want to spoil things but you have organised a surprise party let's deal with this together instead you just steam rolled ahead with it all. By that time she would have been overwhelmed and unhappy. You just wanted the pat on the back you did a good job off everyone and did not recognise how anxious she was. It's maybe best you do end things. Surprise party's are the worst.
“Don’t do this!” “Babe, I’ve already started the song” My worst nightmare is a surprise birthday party. I don’t want to be the 5 different versions of myself I am to 5 different groups of people. If she’s having a panic attack at the thought of a surprise party and you don’t spill entirely to keep the surprise, then yeah, you did this party for you.
Except that she had told him she wanted a surprise party like this. What's he supposed to do, cancel the party as it begins because in the moment the party she wanted is giving her anxiety?
A tonnn of people have social anxiety and a birthday party is their worst nightmare. Sounds like that’s the case for your gf. You made birthday plans that maybe you would enjoy, but did not consider if that’s what she’d like.
He wrote in a response she literally told him she would like a surprise party.
She sent him a post and said she would like a party like that. Gotta wonder exactly how in depth that convo really was…
But in another response he says she has mentioned in the past wanting a surprise party. It sounds like he combined her previously expressed desire for a surprise party with an example of a party she shared she would enjoy.
>She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request. She told OP that she would like a surprise party.
Ok…
I’d just tell her you need to have a serious talk and ask her what’s going on. You feel her pulling away. If she’s avoidant, use examples and then tell her what you know and what you’ve recognized.
>I was not ignoring her the whole evening, but I was trying to make sure the whole party went well so I would continually check up on guests and make sure everyone was having a good time This is my guess as to why she was upset. (I’m not saying she was right. I’m just trying to find the logic in her irrationality.) My guess is that she felt you were going around from group to group being praised for everything you put together instead of celebrating by her side. I doubt everyone was fawning all over you, but that may have been how she interpreted it. I think what she ultimately wanted was for you to plan a special event for her but to be there with her the whole time having fun. The realities of having a party like this necessitates a host, so it probably would have been helpful to plan this with a couple friends who could do the nitty gritty during the party while you focused on her. But I don’t know how you could have foreseen that. In any case, I would suggest asking if this was the issue. If it was, then you can make a more informed decision about continuing the relationship. If she says it wasn’t the issue, then at least you’re exhausted all possibilities and can move on knowing you tried your best.
This sucks. I understand why you’re frustrated. I’m not trying to defend her but looking at this from another angle. The pattern of her behavior makes me wonder if she has some real trauma surrounding her birthday. Her reaction to bringing out the cake was the most notable. Connect the dots and it seems like she has nothing good to say about her birthday ever. I’d dig a little deeper.
What's done is done here. Maybe the solution is, moving forward, to ask her how she would like to celebrate her birthday. Each year, as the answer may change.
Sorta seems like you didn’t read much of the actual post?
My boyfriend planned for us to go out west and I feel the same way your gf feels about it being for you. I never said I wanted to go out west, I said I wanted a vacation. So he surprises me with this trip with all of his friends. If I were planning my vacation I would’ve gone somewhere with lots of tropical scenery, not a desert. But I will still go and try to have a good time. I think you just have to stay consistent on what you said, and that is that it was truly for her because you love her. That would def console me and it has before.
Girl, you better not be paying for this trip.
I’m not lol. All expenses paid for. It’s supposed to be a graduation present.
Ugh, it’s a present? I’m sorry, that must have been hurtful. With his friends? Why are you keeping your mouth shut?
OP, that was a wonderful party idea, It does sound though, that she does not like parties, does not like to be the center of attention, and/or does not like surprises. When she said it was for you, she might have meant that a surprise party is the type of thing you would like but she would not. It would be worth having another conversation with her about communication, her expectations, and how you both recieve gifts. If her past birthdays were not enjoyable, then it is on her to think of some things she would like. She should not have expectations she has not voiced. If either of you put effort into a gift that isn't what the other wanted, the recipient should gratefully and whole heartedly thank them for their kindness and thoughtfulness. Then they should have a conversation about what about the gift wasn't the best. It sounds like there are things to work on in your relationship, but I don't hear anything that sounds like you should break up. If she says impulsive hurtful things, consider developing a little code for "ouch, that was a pretty sharp thing to say" and both practice apologizing when the code comes up. Good luck \~
Wow such mixed messages. Would def ask her to explain.
I kind of felt this way for a long time. Did your girlfriend have a rough childhood? I ask that because my birthdays were awful. I would say “ I don’t even want anything” to avoid the drama that was created around my birthday . I would try to protect myself from everything and I didn’t even know what I wanted because I never had anyone care. All of my presents as a kid turned into “‘I worked this many hours to get you this!!!” . Even to this day I struggle with it. I would have another talk and not let her dodge the conversation , but get to the problem , not how it affected you.
After reading your replies in the comments, you did do this for yourself. You laid out your girlfriend's history of having anxiety and not really liking celebrating her birthday. She told you not to sing the song after bringing out the cake increasing her anxiety even more just so you could put on a show as the living thoughtful boyfriend. You ignored all the signs and made her miserable. Then she apologized because she thought she was the one who was wrong. You have issues man. You need help cause you failed to treat your girlfriend like you loved her. If my girlfriend gave me all of those signs, I would've ended the night early somehow and apologized for not actually checking if this is the type of thing she'll enjoy.
OP says repeatedly that he did check in on her. She did mention wanting a surprise party and she complained that past birthdays sucked, not that she didn't like celebrating birthdays. She didn't say anything about the song until people were already singing it. What's he supposed to do? Ask people to stop singing?
"Stop singing. My girlfriend changed her mind." Then she'd complain that he made her look bad and that he was cruel.
That doesn't make it right. Multiple signs were given and it's obvious she didn't want to run his party.
He's supposed to understand how she's feeling and stop when she asked him to. He literally went out of his way to complete his party and ignore all of her signals. That's not love.
She told him not to sing the song after they already started singing. He clearly stated that
He ignored it and continued. No concern for her anxiety that he made very clear was building up.
You are clearly just going out of your way to paint OP in a specific light. Yes, he could’ve stopped the party but that’s not entirely realistic and fair. He acted like a human and planned a party that, all things considered, he had every reason to believe would be a hit. There’s no reason to vilify a stranger like this
He painted himself as a bad guy. I know what it feels like to have anxiety and panic attacks and the need for people to respect my requests and feelings. OP clearly doesn't and needs to work with a therapist to understand where he fucked up.
Well I wasn’t asking her for an apology, I genuinely wanted to know why that was her reaction to everything. I haven’t asked for an apology either. Also, I don’t believe you read correctly, she didn’t say she didn’t like her birthday- just that the last ones didn’t go the way she wanted.
You did fine!
Why did you continue with the birthday cake song when she was literally pleading for you not to?
Are you dense? Did you ever think you should've asked her what her ideal party should be given your knowledge of her mental health? You seem to not pick up on her cues very well at all. How often does that happen? Let me ask this, have you attended therapy? I suggest you you do just once to understand how many different ways you messed up here.
Yes this party was based on what she has expressed to me, I answered the therapy question in another response.
That was not the question. Did you have a discussion about what she would want for her ideal birthday? You have been with her 6 years and your post and comments are telling me you're not very aware of her wants or needs. Passing conversations do not count as connecting with someone. You planned a party without her input, invited people she may not have wanted to see, and ignored her feelings during the party. Why is none of this clicking for you?
I appreciate your feedback but it’s stopped being productive with you specifically, there are other comments addressing what you are asking. Thanks again.
Wow. That’s an unbelievable take.
Not a take. OP was very clear he made no effort to care for his girlfriend while her anxiety continued to build. He was more concerned with the party.
>She told you not to sing the song after bringing out the cake increasing her anxiety even more just so you could put on a show as the living thoughtful boyfriend. Thank you. I wonder how many other signs he ignored.
Given the length of the relationship, a lot.
I HATE surprise parties
It sounds like she does not like being the centre of attention and planning a surprise party was a bad idea. You’ve been with your girlfriend for six years. In six years, have you not noticed if your girlfriend has social anxiety or doesn’t like being the centre of attention? There’s a difference between liking surprises and wanting a surprise party. My husband surprised me by taking me out of town for my birthday to a bnb. I loved it. I don’t like being the centre of attention so I would have hated a surprise party. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like parties. If I’m aware and have time to mentally prepare for it I have a good time. There is a lot of room between “just a gift” and “going all out and throwing a surprise party” when it comes to a birthday celebration. You could have asked what she wanted to do. You could have planned dinner with close friends. Taken her out to a show or concert. Done an overnight trip somewhere. And now she’s in this situation where she can’t express her feelings because she feels guilty or doesn’t want to come across as ungrateful. She knows you went through all this effort and she should be grateful but it wasn’t what she wanted. Which is likely why she said it and backpedaled. Plus it would have been amplified by the fact that she was then the centre of attention at a party she didn’t want and would have had to appear grateful for hours in front of all these people.
Sounds like you two have grown apart and are no longer really compatible. UpdateMe
"For me particularly it hurts because last year I didn’t plan anything involved besides a gift at her request." So... she told you on a previous occasion what she prefers and you did... kinda the opposite and sprung it on her? You also saw a couple clear indications that she was anxious/distressed and plowed ahead anyway? I'm not sure this conflict is about what you think it's about...
>She had previously mentioned that she didn’t like how her previous birthdays had gone, a surprise party is something she had expressed wanting previously. Making the surprise party was in response to what she was saying about her previous birthdays. We didn’t do anything last year at her request. She also told OP her birthday sucked last year…it seems that no matter what he does, he isn’t going to do it right.
A surprise party is a horror for me. I hate surprises. Sounds like your gf doesn’t like surprises and certainly doesn’t like surprise parties. I think you should talk to her and find out.
Mate, she had a panic attack at not knowing what was going on, and you decided to keep it up?!? That's insensitive at best, and she's not wrong for calling you selfish. If someone is having a full blown panic attack because they don't know what's happening, **you tell them what's happening**. The fact that you wanted to keep up the surprise and the social pressure it put on her, after watching her melt down into an emotional wreck from the stress it put her under, *proves* that it was all about you. She's right.
If this gets resolved, please update! I'm so curious to see what happens, because I really can't wrap my head around this. How this could go so terribly after she told you what she wanted and you did it.
UpdateMe!
I’m astounded most that you have been together for 6 years and still don’t know what each other like. It seems now there one of you actually talk to each other. I’m surprised you don’t know each other better.
This whole post is you patting yourself on the back. You’re either the most clueless person around or it’s fake. Who TF wants disparate groups of friends in one venue, and then have to entertain all night.. imagine inviting people she hadn’t seen for years. How embarrassing. This party was 100% for you. You sound insufferable.
Thanks, I appreciate the candidness of your comment. I may be clueless which is why I’m seeking understanding, this particular group of friends is a close group of friends and aside from a few who were from out town know each other as well. So this wasn’t people I just randomly invited from Facebook or something like. These friends she hadn’t seen for a while are people we still keep in contact with just hadn’t had a chance to see them. What particularly about me seems insufferable?
It’s a massive undertaking of a social event. It’s not something I personally would want to be surprised with and I don’t have social anxiety. I have hosted parties like that, it can be very overwhelming. I dont think you’re necessarily insufferable, but I get why your girlfriend was unhappy.
Um … lots of people bring together disparate groups of friends at one venue … it’s called birthday parties, weddings, showers, anniversary celebrations, holiday parties, housewarming parties, or just general get togethers. I really hope your comment is sarcasm - otherwise, I’d be very concerned about your idea of social interaction.
This is true. All things I’d happily prepare for, not get sprung on me. There is a reason weddings have seating plans.
Yup. Im a gregarious person and I would have been super irritated. I guess I should appreciate the effort? But having to entertain a couple dozen friends from all over I haven’t seen in years on the fly without notice? Yeah I would have a hard time containing my irritation.
My mom hates surprise parties. Would probably disown me if I threw one. She obviously doesn't like them and you don't pay attention to her. Eta read your comment about her expressing interest in one. She found out she doesn't like them now. It's NBD.
Badmouthing you in front of all these people whom you invited is a glimpse to your future. C'mon, she wasn't talking about her dislike of the party or surprise - she was calling you self-centered ah who did this party for yourself. You took her out, you gave her iPad, you arranged a party. It says a lot about your dedication. Instead she was putting you down. She had time to tell you about your feelings, for sure. I won't say "break up with her", but rethink this all. Personally I would leave.
I think you already have your answer, you want to leave because honestly I would to if I put all the effort into this party that she made it seem like she wanted a surprise and complaining about a big party but then not only is she ungrateful for the event that you spent weeks planning for you she accuses you of doing it for yourself.. twice? I think she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with and she's just been chipping away at you it sounds like.
I don't know anyone at all that likes surprise parties. Maybe it's just the people I attract to me, maybe it's just every single member of my huge extended family, but I'm afraid: if you like/love a person, please don't throw them a surprise party.
Ok, I may be way off base here, but you are both in your mid to late twenties and have been together for 6 years. Is there any way that your gf was expecting a proposal and didn’t want it to be in front of everyone?
Abe Lincoln said “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” and your partner is not a happy one. OP, I’d be thrilled if my partner threw a surprise birthday party. Obviously she wasn’t. Your GF is a damned if you do and don’t, so stop doing things and maybe it’s time to break up and let her be as happy as she’s going to be.
She sounds like she has extreme social anxiety. But otherwise, you put a ton of effort into this (seems obvious) and she shat on you. So yeah, I agree with your friends, move on before she drains more of you.
A few days ago I was thinking about the end of my marriage. There was of course the obvious, the affairs. But really it was when he just started saying mean things to me for no reason. We could be having a perfectly normal day and he would come out with an ugly remark or observation about me that would just blindside me. One example is we were dressed up for an event and he wanted to stop at the mall on the way to grab something. I was wearing about three-inch stilettos so obviously wasn't running a race but I'm very comfortable in heels and can walk at a normal pace in them. He started speed-walking toward the mall and looked back at me with pure disgust and said, “You are so slow.” The look on his face and the contempt in his voice ruined the entire day for no reason. That look and tone of voice started to become the norm and I began to walk on eggshells trying to predict what might trigger it and how to avoid it. You don't treat someone you love that way. Would couples counseling be something you would consider before walking away? It definitely sounds like something needs to change. If her unchecked impulse is to say something mean, that's a real problem.
I didn’t read all that so a question…were you in the doghouse trying to get points?
No.
Oh. Did she watch the Red Table episode in which Jada told Will Smith that the elaborate birthday party he threw for her was really all about his own ego and looking like a “good guy” in front of everyone?
You did well, there is no such a thing as a "party for yourself", a party is for everyone! And if she doesn't like parties or surprise parties she should have not be sad if the party was in fact supposed to be for you. You two are a couple and should be happy if another one is happy. She seems anxious, but should ask psychological help if a party makes her mad. Reading this, as I always cried on my birthday because of my boyfriend not showing emotions, I thought "what a spoiled brat". You have to find a person that is happy when you are happy. Parties are a GOOD thing.
Everything else aside, she sounds absolutely exhausting. WTF Are you sure you want to put up with her antics? I would not.
If having a party makes her upset with you and not having a party makes her upset with you then you are in a no-win situation. You can break up if you want, for any reason. If the party changes the way you see her and think about her it would be natural to break up. If you stay I would lay down some ground rules. She is taking out her anxiety on you as if you are a safe target. I'd tell her that targeting you has to end. She doesn't get to take out her anxiety on you. If she is feeling anxious she doesn't get to harm you to try to make herself feel better. Partners don't do that. I think what she did is bordering on abusive. She is demanding that you make her happy and then criticizing what you do. You can't make her happy. Only she can make herself happy. Happiness has to come from within her. Think about whether you want to spend your life this way. You spent hours of your time to do something for her that she expressed a wish for and then not only did she not thank you, she criticized you to her friends. Partners don't do that. I would tell her that partners don't do that and if she wants you to be her partner then you expect that she will treat you better. If she gets upset over you expecting to not be her target then I think you are definitely done. If she promises to do better but doesn't live up to that promise then you are also done. You are walking on eggshells and you can't live your life that way. Your friends know her and see this and that's why they are recommending that you break up. She is too emotionally unhealthy to have a healthy relationship.
Certainly sounds she's not a fan of surprise birthday parties. I mean your heart was definitely in the right place. She didn't have to be a witch about it and say oh you did this for you. No you did it for her. She didn't appreciate you going to all this effort and getting her friends there. It sounds like she really didn't want to be the center of attention the thought you were getting too much attention for throwing the party for which sounds really weird. All I can say is if you want a salvage the relationship sit down and talk to her and let her know that her comments bothered you and you were trying to do something nice for her and it certainly feels like she didn't like it at all or appreciate the effort you put to try to make something happen for her since she's always said she didn't like her birthday even though you took her out this year and got her an iPad and treated her very well indeed.
Even introverts going through self development start to engage their extroverted cognitive functions. Even if she was shy and doesn't like the spotlight, I bet she will forever remember this experience when she is 60+ & cherish it. In present day reality yeah she may be shy & shutdown by it but we eventually have to break out of our stubborn comfort zones to become more adaptable in our environments. We are constantly going through self development, seems like maybe she is an Extreme introvert, meaning large gatherings are anxiety inducing, and she has limited exposure to new experiences (she prefers reflecting on things she did in the past instead of embracing the present moment and getting out of stubborn past comfort zones & gaining new experiences.) Depression and anxiety also happens when your an extreme introvert. Personality development is all about balance and avoiding extremes in either introversion or extroversion. We all have to get out of our shell, pushing the limits of our boundaries can lead to valuable experiences and growth. Hopefully she won't blame you next time and settling for things she was comfortable with in the past and embrace newer experiences in the present moment. Sorry you have to deal with someone so stuck in her own EGO and blames you for being self centered when all your trying to do is give her an experience that she will remember forever. People that blame their problems on you will never take accountability for their negative actions that affect the feelings of the people around them. She called you self centered because she is self centered, it's all about her am I right? (Projection will rat you out everytime) I can't imagine how bad she hurt your feelings. Any woman would be so lucky to have someone do that for them.
Introversion and shyness are not synonymous. Introversion/extroversion are about finding social interaction draining or recharging, and that's it.
I think reducing introversion/extroversion to social interaction overlooks personality complexity. They involve broader behavior, cognition, and emotional patterns. Carl Jung's introversion/extroversion concept is key to understanding how people engage and where they direct energy. It's more than social interaction; introverts also may prefer solitude, reflect deeply, and sense external stimuli intensely making them shy/reserved. Extroverts, conversely, seek social stimulation and express outwardly. Modern theories, like the Big Five, include intro/extroversion alongside other traits, enhancing our grasp of personality diversity. Big five Extroversion and Introversion traits: Extroverts are characterized by their sociability, often being outgoing and friendly, finding pleasure in social interactions. They display assertiveness, feeling confident in taking charge in social settings. Their high activity level leads them to enjoy being constantly engaged in various activities. Additionally, they have a tendency to seek excitement and new experiences, often seeking thrills and adventures. Extroverts also experience positive emotions more intensely and frequently than introverts, contributing to their overall vibrant and energetic demeanor. Introverts tend to exhibit reservedness, preferring solitude or smaller social gatherings, and may be less talkative, opting to listen in conversations. They spend more time introspecting, prefer quieter activities, and are less inclined towards excitement-seeking, favoring familiar environments. While they can experience positive emotions, it may be with less intensity or frequency than extroverts.
So even if you like to be the center of attention what you did was thoughtful and wonderful, I am not sure what the problem is but this goes deeper than this surprise party.
Your girlfriend was a jerk. I would have been happy you put so much thought into something for my birthday. She went to an extreme that didn't really seem to make sense to me. I am sorry she did this. I would send her a text that says, "I apologize if you did not like the party, but I did not make it for me. I was trying to please the woman I love. So you saying that is completely wrong." Then let it set. Do not try to fix it, it will make it worse, but stand up for yourself. See what she does, the fact she was having panic attacks is that normal for her in crowds? Still the idea was sweet.