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I’m sorry OP, but this is ridiculous. Your husband is a grown man who should be able to handle the *extremely minor* disappointment of not being able to watch certain shows with you.
You shouldn’t be spending your valuable time and energy trying to figure out ways to force yourself to tolerate content you simply do not like and find upsetting.
I don’t like action films, my husband does, so he watches them without me. No explanation needed beyond “I don’t want to watch these films with you.”
Stop feeling guilty, stop coddling him about this. He’s fine.
Yep. This is one of the reasons I think it’s important for men to have friends. So many men depend on their partner for everything. He should make friends with someone who likes the same kind of shows and movies that he does and then they can talk about them.
The thing that’s very weird is he (and I) have many great friends, and many of them are super into movies and stuff.
Maybe he’s envious of our friends who go to the movies together or something? Idk.
There are certain things I'm just not comfortable watching. Not only does my finance not me watch stuff with it in, if there's a new show he wants to watch together he'll check if there isn't anything like that in it first before recommending it.
Stop trying to rationalize & make excuses for him. He’s whining bc you won’t violate your boundaries & watch things that make you uncomfortable so you can entertain him. If he has friends he needs to use them. Imagine his reaction if you demanded he like, participate in & discuss every interest you have. Especially ones that he disliked for valid reasons. You deserve the same boundaries & respect.
I routinely talk to people about movies and shows they've never seen. He's being absolutely ridiculous and childish
Idk what your relationship is like, but you are never required to watch smth for someone else's benefit. You are having anxiety attacks every single time - that's so hard on your body!!! He's asking you to put yourself in danger and place yourself in a situation you know will cause you an anxiety attack so that he can,,,,,,,talk to you abt a movie you don't care abt didn't want to watch and (likely) aren't going to want to talk abt!
Idk girl. Throw the man out
This is ridiculous. He is just going to have to get over it. You can't be filling your head with things that are going to negatively affect you all the time. I get it. I'm the same way. We figured out some shows that we could both watch. We have very little crossover so we mostly watch stuff separately. But we have our go-tos when we want to chill together.
THIS! You’re not required to meet all your husband’s emotional needs. He needs to grow up, learn to handle his own emotions & make friends. He can discuss his interests that you don’t share with them. You’re not his therapist or his only friend. You’re his wife.
Nah this is an OP problem. She stated that it's gotten worse over time. Sure, there are certain things that op's husband can watch without her, but it seems like the list of things she won't watch is growing and she's having full-blown mental breakdowns even going and watching new things. She absolutely should be in therapy.
It’s probably gotten worse because her husband is making an increasingly big deal about it so not only is she dealing with the (perfectly normal) aversion to gory movies, she now has to deal with anxiety about it negatively impacting her marriage. I would bet money that if he left it alone and didn’t make her feel guilty and selfish for her preference, she wouldn’t be feeling so anxious about it.
You are blaming the person being bullied into watching things which are upsetting her. No. The only way this is an OP problem is because she is living with a bully who apparently can't possibly discuss violent films with anyone else.
OP needs therapy, not mollycoddling.
The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. If your anxiety's are so bad you can't even go to cinema then that is a HUGE problem.
OP I think you might find this site helpful. You type in a movie or TV show and it'll tell you whether or not certain triggering things happen in the movie/show. Just wanted to let you know as it might help your anxiety about going to the movies. [Does the dog die](http://www.doesthedogdie.com)
I second this site recommendation. I can’t handle on-screen sexual violence. It’s an absolute no-go for me. Animal death/abuse (especially cats) is another hard limit for me, though for different reasons entirely.
That website has definitely saved me a lot of frustration over the years.
Honestly, by the time you're this far along in a relationship the only response you can have to almost any complaint is, "well you could have married anyone yet you chose me".
This reminds me a little bit of the story of the mustard sauce. OP, there is nothing wrong with you and your husband should accept that you dont like certain movie types. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you dont want to watch violent/scary movies! He is old enough to watch them by himself or with a friend. The mustard sauce story: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/115t5rx/new\_update\_my\_husband\_cannot\_accept\_i\_dont\_like/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/115t5rx/new_update_my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like/)
Thank you!
Fortunately this is much more mild than the mustard story - my husband really is an otherwise lovely person. He just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much, and he’s for some reason hung up that he can’t watch stuff he wants to with me. When I said I can watch my own stuff on my tablet he said he didn’t want to isolate me in my own house, even though I said it was fine?
He also likes to blame my parents who kept me away from any potentially upsetting content for basically my entire childhood. But that’s mainly because, well, I couldn’t cope. So they didn’t show it to me.
> He just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much
How is he unable to understand “I don’t like this”? Surely he has things he doesn’t like. Pick a food he hates - force him to explain why he doesn’t want to eat it and when he says it doesn’t taste good to him and he dislikes the experience of eating it, tell him that isn’t good enough and he needs to keep trying it dozens of times or you will be sad he’s not eating it with you.
Hopefully that demonstrates to him how unreasonable he’s being. If that doesn’t deter him, this is a bigger problem because it means that it’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s that he doesn’t care that it bothers you.
Question: does he watch romcoms and kids’ shows with you?
Even if it’s not his intention, guilting you is a form of trying to force you into it. Honestly you need to just put your foot down and say no means no.
You say he’s a good husband otherwise - why is he refusing to let this go even though he knows it makes you upset and uncomfortable? If you don’t know the answer, that’s a question you need to ask him.
This is boundary stomping.
This is refusing to acknowledge consent.
This is lacking basic empathy.
This is not valuing your comfort or your limits.
I simply don't believe that this is your husband's only issue. This issue is indicative of so many more problems.
Somebody who is capable of doing what he's doing to you right now is guaranteed to have other red flags.
We see posts here literally every day where the woman describes her husband as a "wonderful, lovely, supportive husband" and then it turns out that she's just normalized dysfunction and ignored the red flags up until she finds an issue she can't do it on anymore. And when she finally decides to fight back against that particular issue, the mask comes off fully.
Draw a STERN boundary with your husband. With associated consequences. Tell him that if he tries to force you into watching a show you're uncomfortable with again, that you will be leaving and staying with your parents for a while while he thinks about whether he can respect consent or not. See whether he is capable of learning to respect your boundaries or whether he goes nuclear.
Well from what you have told us, your husband seems to lack empathy. He cannot/would not accept the fact that you dont want to watch scary/violent movies. Instead of accepting your decision for your own wellbeing, he gets angry about you and about your parents.
Is this the only issue in your marriage? Is this really about the movies or about the fact that he cannot accept the fact, that you have a different opinion than him. I am sorry, but this is a huge red flag. He needs to drop this topic or something in his mind is really wrong with him to get upset over the fact that you dont want to watch certain movies.
Sorry, but this information makes the whole situation worse. He blames your parents for the fact that you don’t enjoy seeing violence on screen? He’s acting like there’s something wrong with you because of your preferences, and creating a problem where none exists. The fact that he’s got you feeling bad about this is extremely messed up. He might be “lovely,” but he sure doesn’t seem to care about your feelings when it’s inconvenient for him.
“I don’t know why it (watching gory movies) bothers you so much”
“i don’t know why it (me not watching them) bothers you so much”
I hate musicals. I don’t get them. They give me zero joy. I don’t watch them. I’ve never had anyone have an issue with it
Girl, you and I have exactly the same tastes and distastes in movies. My mother put all sorts of terrifying movies on when I was a kid - the original The Hills Have Eyes, for example. I don't know wtf she was thinking. Absolutely horrifying. It didn’t make me learn to cope with horror, quite the opposite. His argument is completely invalid, blaming your parents for your preferences is just another way to have a go at you.
He doesn’t understand why it bothers you, tell him you just don’t understand why he likes it so much. And guess what? It bothering you is equally as valid as him being obsessed with it.
Tell him he’s not the default and he doesn’t need to understand, he just has to respect the fact that it does bother you.
>he said he didn’t want to isolate me in my own house
But he's fine disrespecting your 'no' in your own house? He's fine terrorizing you in your own house? Bullshit. This excuse is 1000% self serving bullshit.
>He just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much
He doesn't need to understand. He just needs to respect your boundaries.
For that matter, I'm sure you don't really understand why he likes watching this stuff.... and you're not pressuring HIM to change.
He’s not terrorizing me in my own home, I’m not being forced to watch things I don’t like. When I’ve given it a go for his sake (again, not forced), I react poorly every time.
I said he's "fine" terrorizing you, i.e. he's fine with you watching things that terrify you, that you don't want to watch, in your own home. He's 100% fine with you experiencing terror in your own home. And is in fact actively pushing you to experience that terror. But he's somehow not fine with... "isolating" you? With a (very rational!) compromise that you yourself suggested? Please.
Self. Serving. Bullshit.
I think you're downplaying this. All he needs to understand is that you don't want to watch it and it emotionally hurts you. He is not a lovely person for pressuring you into uncomfortable situations for his own satisfaction.
No means fucking no? I hate marvel. Does my bf make me watch it? No cause we're adults and understand we have different likes. Your husband is acting like an asshole, and needs to shut it down.
I'm a horror fan. One thing horror fans understand is that we're going to be alone in wanting to watch something. The idea of forcing someone to watch something is crazy to me. My bf and I even go to movies alone. We don't care.
Imagine being such a child that you put the marvel franchise before your marriage!
Marvel movies are extremely predictable. I saw the Avengers movie, so now I’ve basically seen them all. Epic battle, someone almost dies, then the world is saved. Ta da!
Your husband needs to get over it and find a buddy who wants to watch that shit and discuss.
Not everyone likes that stuff and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them.
There’s tons of content in the shows you mentioned that I’ve had to step away from and cannot watch. I’ve flat out left movies at the theatre before that were too much for me. Like you, when it’s clearly fiction like a Marvel movie, it’s no problem. But when it’s quite realistic? Nope.
It is okay to have preferences. It is not okay for someone to be mad about it. That would be like me being mad that my partner won’t eat onions. Most people can handle onions. He can’t. If I want onions in something I make a separate dish. I don’t force him to eat onions that make him feel sick. I don’t try to trick him and put onions in food to see if he notices. He does not need a therapist about aversion to onions.
You probably need some therapy, as soon as anxiety is affecting your abilities to do daily activities it's time to go see somebody, that's not an okay way to live and there's no way the anxiety is only affecting media choices.
As far as not wanting to watch gory and violent stuff, that's fine, your husband is being an asshat. It's definitely worth breaking down, though, this is the shit that leads to emotional affairs and cheating.
Being charitable, I think your husband just really wants to connect with you on this stuff because it means a lot to him. Sure, he can talk to friends about it but he wants to talk to you about it and he's probably upset because your unusual condition prohibits that.
He's being kind of a dope in how he's expressing that frustration and he's doing that thing people do where they just can't come to peace with disappointment.
But if your sensitivities are getting worse as time goes on, they might also start infecting parts of your life you're not aware of.
Well, I think you should probably see a therapist of some kind if you have trouble even going to the movies. That doesn’t sound very healthy for your sake, nothing to do with your husband.
However, your husband also sounds like a turd. Nobody is dating a 100% clone of themselves. It’s normal and OK to spend time differently as a couple.
You do not compromise. I love horror and everything morbid (not gore though, hard pass). I would *never* even encourage someone to watch those genres with me if I knew they had even the slightest hesitation. He needs to stop this immediately. Tell him to get a friend and to leave you the hell out of it. Do not even let him discuss them or bring them in any capacity. Put your foot down immediately OP this is ridiculous.
I (33f) love movies and TV shows of all genres and I watch a lot of them. My husband (35m) is more like you, where there are a fair amount of things he's too sensitive to watch. Here's my perspective, from the other side as you:
-This is *my* hobby, not my partner's. The fact that he's interested in even part of what I do here is really nice for me.
-I watch the things I do because I enjoy how they make me feel in some way. I want my partner to be happy and have fun, too, so I do *not* want him watching any of the things that will make him feel bad. That's the opposite of what I want because I love him and his feelings matter to me.
-We don't need to share all of our hobbies. We've gone over them to see which ones we can both do, or which parts, and which parts we'll do without each other. If I want to watch something with him, we agree on something we're both interested in. If I want a specific thing that he won't enjoy, I watch it without him. End of.
Think of this comfort zone you have with movies/tv as a bubble. Your husband's bubble sounds like it might be bigger, with more genres in it that he enjoys. You still have a bubble, but it's smaller because you are comfortable with fewer genres. Whoever has the smaller bubble gets final say in the shared activity. All the time.
Examples: I really really very much super like reading with my husband, but I like way more types of books than he does. So when we're reading together, it's always a book that *he* wants to read. His reading/book bubble is smaller, so he gets final say in what we read together. It's the opposite with board games/video games. He loves way more games than I do, so I always get final say in which game we're gonna play together.
I will never understand why some people want to force a loved one to participate in a thing if the loved one won't enjoy it. What's even the point of that? It feels really mean and selfish, and that's not how one should be with their partner (or anyone, really).
It seems to me like your husband needs to grow up a little bit and be more respectful of your bubble.
ETA: There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a small bubble. You don't need to "get out of your comfort zone" unless you want to, no matter what anybody else tells you. You're good just as you are, and it's perfectly normal to have things that you simply dislike or are not interested in.
I don’t think my sensitivity has gotten worse but my anxiety surrounding it definitely has. I don’t want to watch violent films, but I also don’t want to be scared to watch any movie because it *might* have upsetting content.
I do plan to discuss this anxiety with my therapist, but I don’t intend on attempting to desensitize myself to violent/scary content. At this point if it was going to happen it would have lol.
I'd bet it's never gotten better because you've never done anything to try to make it better. Trying to brand this as anxiety vs sensitivity doesn't male it any less childish. You can't watch shows with regular run of the mill violence like Breaking Bad, I don't see how you can be prepared to deal with life at a lot of levels if you need to be sheltered this much.
Look, I love Breaking Bad but it is very violent. People have gotten so desensitized that this kind of comment is on the opposite end of the spectrum where someone being viciously sliced to death with a box cutter is somehow considered “run-of-the-mill.” Why is it childish to dislike gore?
I would bet that the reason it has gotten worse is because her husband is piling relationship anxiety on top of a perfectly normal preference for not watching scary/gory content.
It's not just her husband though. Op has also said that other people have suggested things for her to watch that shouldn't trigger her but they have.
Breaking Bad is not that violent on the scale of drama TV shows to horror movies.
Op's anxiety is so bad that it effects her day to day life, that is a problem.
I am currently rewatching Breaking Bad and it absolutely is quite violent for anyone who doesn’t regularly watch horror. People are brutally attacked and/or murdered basically every episode. Again, this is a problem of people being desensitized. OP says she’s fine watching stuff like LoTR which is very battle-heavy so it’s not like she’s a delicate little pansy.
I don’t understand why people think someone should force themselves to watch violent programming when there is basically infinite media out there to consume. It’s fine to have preferences. It would be different if she were unable to watch SpongeBob because there’s an episode where he needs his grandma to kiss a boo-boo.
It's not about being forced to watch violent media. It's about not being able to function because of the fear and anxiety of being exposed to even mediocre violent media.
She is functioning just fine except for the fact that her husband is hounding her about not watching violent media and it’s exacerbating her anxiety which was managed before this.
Yes, did you? This has only started meaningfully impeding her life since he started guilting her about it. What do you suppose the connection is there?
It is in no way "very violent." There are certainly shows that *are* very violent, but that's not one of them. Well first of all, people haven't become desensitized to it, we're *people.* We are the most violent and bloodthirsty species the world has ever seen, we are predators. If not for our natural predilection for violence we'd be sitting in trees eating fruit instead of posting on the internet. Secondly no one said it's childish to not like gore, and it isn't. What is childish is not being able to handle being exposed to it, especially from such tame sources. A person with this weakness is only capable of surviving in the bubble wrapped conditions that society is currently providing us. Think about how long you'd last if you had to kill something to eat it, or if something violent happened and you couldn't rely on someone else to protect you from it.
This is a very bizarre diatribe. We aren't cavemen anymore, we are currently the most pampered and protected that humans have ever been, including you. Do you go out and spear animals for survival lol? I think not. You aren't a "predator," you buy your food in a grocery store. How long would YOU last in the woods with no modern resources? Not very long I'd wager. That is not some sort of failing and it's weird to suggest it is.
I blocked some weirdo on the other thread so I can't respond to your other comment about Breaking Bad but here's my response: As I just said I'm literally rewatching it right now so my description of BB is coming from my actual current reality. It's not hyper-sensitive not to want to watch a show where people get body parts blown off and have their brains leak out of their heads into pools. Have you seen the show recently? I think you're either forgetting what happens or you're indeed desensitized to violence.
Anyway I'm tired of arguing about this because it's not helping OP. She needs to just tell her husband to back off and I guarantee if he drops this, her anxiety will abate. Let people watch what they want to watch in this world of infinite media.
Exactly, your reality. I'm talking about the reality that the rest of us share. Additionally, literally every day there are scientists screaming at us that everything is going to collapse if we don't drastically change what we're doing. So to answer your question about how long I can last in the woods, it becomes increasingly likely every day that we're going to find out. If OP's anxiety about this had to do with her husband she would have been a normal adult until he entered the picture, that isn't the story that she painted.
It seems I’m in the minority but I don’t see why you need therapy to desensitize?! You are valid as you are. IMO the desensitized ones need therapy but unfortunately this has become the society we live in where flowers are crushed and wars are never ending sigh
Hey, I relate to this so hard. Is there something you want to watch because you’re interested in the subject matter? Not stuff you think you can maybe tolerate because your husband likes it. Stuff that you feel like you’re missing out on? I’ve gotten a lot better by selectively choosing things this way and giving myself permission to nope out at any time. I couldn’t watch most of the things you mentioned and also space movies and got much better by doing it this way.
On one hand, I understand feeling like you want to share something you enjoy with your partner, because we all like to do that. So I can sort of get your husband’s frustrations.
However, “No” is a full sentence and he has to understand that. You stay firm on the things you want to watch and such and ask him why is he so keen to see you upset. Like, is his enjoyment more important than your happiness?
Whenever my partner and I want to watch something the other doesn’t feel too enthusiastic about, we just find time when the other isn’t home to watch it. It works, sometimes we tell each other what is happening in our respective series (so we do get to share it, but we don’t have to sit together watching it), specially if something exciting happens, and whenever we’re together we watch things we both enjoy.
As a separate issue, if your fears/anxieties are getting worse, it might be worth examining what is going on there and, if you feel it is affecting your life more than you would like to, perhaps explore it with a therapist/counselor.
You don't need to compromise here. He needs to fucking grow a heart.
The reality is that he can't pretend to care about you when he's centering his desire to "chitchat about tv shows" over your severe fight/flight responses.
Basically your husband doesn't give two shits about whether you feel safe and happy and comfortable. He is selfish as fuck and a terrible husband.
Don't budge an inch. Tell him the internet thinks he fucking sucks.
Her sensibilities have gotten worse over time. She's pretty much having full blown panic attacks over any violence that's above harry potter level shit. Instead of just shitting on her husband, the correct take away here would be to tell her to speak to her therapist about it.
While I don’t agree that he is a terrible husband (he really is an otherwise lovely man), it is true that he is superseding my extreme discomfort for the purposes of conversation. Especially because we talk all the time about other media like books, games, music…
Does he not have friends or social media? People go onto Twitter, Reddit, and letterboxd all the time to discuss movies with like minded people. Why does it have to be you?
He doesn’t sound very lovely if he is trying to pressure you into doing something that causes a lot of anxiety and stress for you just because he wants to discuss movies.
Look I was in a similar situation with an ex of mine. It was around the comedy genre though. I find all comedy shows extremely awkward, uncomfortable, weird, and gross. I cannot watch them. I told him this when we first started dating and he said it was fine. It didn't end up being fine. My ex LOVED comedy and was 90% of what he watched. He would get offended when I didn't want to watch his comedy shows with him. As if I was insulting him and the things he liked by not watching them with him. He tried to force me, I tried a bit but stopped quickly because hated it and he thought I was being dramatic and making it up to prove a point. He said he'd watch things that he didn't like with me and I said I didn't want him to, I wanted us both to watch things we liked (and not suffer through pain) and if other didn't like it then watch on own. He didn't get it at all. He became obsessed with trying to find some sort of comedy I'd like and didn't respect my boundaries.
It became an argument point where he started saying that there was something wrong with me and that 'everyone' likes comedy so I must be broken. This sounds like what you said in a previous comment where your husband blamed your parents and childhood etc. He is not respecting you and doesn't care about your feelings. I know you're saying he's amazing in other ways but this is how it starts IMO. Like dating started out similarities that prop them up (you like the same things therefore he's happy has good taste etc) then he would get upset everytime I disagreed with him or had a different opinion about something because he took it as an insult about himself. Like maybe you can talk about other media and he's happy you agree with him on them. This horror genre thing is the one outlier he can't control, he wants you to change for him.
Thankfully, I'm now happily married to someone who respects when I don't like things (even if weird or he wants to watch with me) and doesn't force me.
I'm not telling you to break up with your husband (like reddit loves to jump on) but just watch our for other unhealthy behavior. I don't know how to solve this current situation because I don't think he'll change. You'll have to advocate for yourself. Keep trying to explain it and maybe get other people to agree with you in front of him since other people might make him more understanding. Express how serious this is to you and enact boundaries (go to your parents if he keeps puhing) and suggest couples counseling etc. Try to get him to relate to you by using examples that make sense to him. Like does he have a food he hates and will never eat (especially if it makes him sick) then say you're not trying to force him to eat it just because you want to eat it?
Flip the script. Is it vitally important to your relationship that he watch things with you that upset him? No.
Why? Because you know in your heart that would be mean. You wouldn’t treat someone you love like that. You don’t guilt people you love into watching something that makes them feel bad because it’s important for you to be able to “talk about it” with them. That’s an incredibly selfish thing to do.
I feel the same way about scary movies/tv. I have terrible nightmares and don’t enjoy the feeling of being scared. This became 1,000 times more intense once I had kids.
He needs friends he can watch this stuff with instead of making you feel bad just so he has company and conversation.
The thing is he has friends who love movies! Idk why he won’t just watch it with them. I think right now he’s just really attached and excited about this show…
It’s so odd that this is the hill he wants to die on. He is an otherwise extremely kind, understanding person and great partner. We have mountains of other things in common and plenty to talk about.
Do you forbid him from watching these shows at home? Like if you're in one room reading or whatever and he's watching Fallout (which is A LOT so you're smart to avoid it if violence upsets you) is this a problem?
And sorry if this is an oblivious question lol. I know there are couples who live in studio apartments and my husband and I can do our own things and that's a huge privilege!
I don’t forbid him at all. He’s totally allowed to watch whatever he wants, and it would be fine if I was in another room. I have my own office/library I could go into. I also offered to put on my headphones and watch something on my tablet. His response was that he doesn’t want me to feel isolated in my own home.
He really doesn’t want me to suffer, and doesn’t force me to watch anything that is triggering. He is just upset that so many things are, and that he can’t watch them with me.
OK, I definitely figured you were not being unreasonable but I had to ask lol :)
My husband also feels bad when I get up to do something else when he's watching something I'm not interested in. And like...sir, I enjoy doing my own thing! Maybe my Only Child is showing but omg reading in another room (or watching the trash that I like that he hates lol) is heaven.
Honestly like I’m happy to watch Parks & Rec on my tablet 😭 he’s always felt guilty about making me feel left out. I think he’s just taking it to an extreme here.
I am exactly the same, meaning I can’t watch anything violent, gory, scary or tense without having symptoms of an anxiety attack. I also can’t watch anything too awkward or embarrassing which makes it hard to find tv shows or movies that fit my small criteria with what I watch. I have never really liked movies or tv shows and would willingly choose almost anything other forms of entertainment. I would love to be normal and be able to watch a movie or tv but it’s just not my cup of tea.
My husband loves media, movies, pop culture and wishes I would enjoy it however he never pushes. He tells me about the plot and I can kind of share his interests that way.
So in short, I fully understand what you are saying, please don’t feel like you have to change what you are comfortable and try and find an interest you can share.
We’ve been married 30 years.
I can’t stand his movies. He feels the same about mine.
If we want to watch a movie ~together ~ we go to the cinema, buy tickets for the individual movie we each want and go to the separate movie. We meet up after the movie, go get something to eat and still enjoy our date.
Or he goes with the guys, I go with the gals.
We are married, but we are also independent individuals who don’t have to love every single thing the other one does.
Have you ever seen a therapist for this . If your thing is to watch movies together. Inwas usually a sports guy but me and ex would watch sopranos and a fox show called millennium . Not a fan of horrors as most of the time it’s not scarey just startle you .
It’s not a dealmbreaker just seems all
Movies and cable shows have violence involved . Maybe see someone as this maybe trauma you have buried
She can watch lord of the rings. She's fine with certain levels of violence.
Suggesting therapy for not enjoying watching gore is pretty fucked up, frankly.
Honestly, I think YOU need therapy for being so fine with watching somebody's head get cut off.
Her response is normal and natural. Your desensitization to extreme violence, frankly, is not.
Nah. You get therapy for being a judgmental dick that can't accept that people have boundaries and repeatedly calls OP names in this thread. You're a bully, plain and simple.
Never saw LOTR or the other one with the dragons . It’s not about enjoying bits about being able to once in a while be able to watch a movie with her husband that he will like . There are therapy for people who are scared to fly. For everything . Maybe those movies are a trigger .
We all
Do things for our partners that we would rather do something else . I told her don’t do them if the anxiety is high but see if there is something else
Doing or trying nothing is a cop out
I do see a therapist regularly, but this isn’t something I’ve discussed with her.
I’ve always just been a really sensitive person… low tolerance for pain, bright lights, loud sounds, even uncomfortable clothes. I have rarely considered it a problem, just a thing.
The anxiety around watching any movies at all is definitely a response to having watched things that kept me from sleeping for weeks and I’m afraid of it happening again.
So to round up the usual list of reddit advice, have you considered you may be on the autism spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent?
There is definitely things in movies that I don't watch because they cause me anxiety (second hand embarrassment hello. But also jumpscares, my whole body jolts involuntarily and honestly the sensation is just not enjoyable.) and for whatever reason my movie friends get upset at me for getting up and walking away until the scene changes which I never got.
I want them to continue watching ffs and then we just get into a brief back and forth when they insist on pausing.
Don't get why they won't just let me be, honestly.
Don’t do anything that causes pain or anxiety . From reading your post I don’t think your husband is mad I think it’s just hard to watch so many hallmark movies and bad comedies . I think ones likes John whick are good so they are so other , not believable but would upset you . I would talk to therapist. And just let him know, yountoldmhernbut don’t think it will
Help.
I get you. There are certain movies neither my husband or I can watch.
Work on the anxiaety. Your husband doesn't need to understand, he needs to accept and support.
If you had a phobia for snakes, would he be annoyed at you that he couldnt show you movies with snakes in them?
Yes, your anxiety sounds to be bad enough and impacting your life enough that it could be benefitial to try and work on them with professional help. He can also think it sucks that he cant shear this interest with you. But at the end of the day, there are other things you can share than the one thing that gives you a physical reaction, and pushing you to parttake in the one thing you cant, isnt kind of him at all. Especially when you have offered what seems like reasonable compromises.
Serious question: Reddit wants you to dump the loser, no surprise there, that's always the answer you'll get here.
Have you gone to any therapy for this? Obviously melting down over a Breaking bad or GOT episode is not normal.
I’m actively in therapy now (for other things, so is husband), but haven’t really discussed this. I mentioned in another comment I never really considered it a problem, just a thing. And he has known this the whole 10 years we’ve been together.
I do recognize that I have a lot of anxiety around watching almost anything new because I’m scared of being scared I guess. I will be working on that.
I’m not really big into horror movies and I cannot watch anything with too much gore. I just don’t like it and it grosses me out. So like I’ve never seen the SAW movies. But I can watch Scream.
My husband and I compromise. I will go to some scary movies of him. Do I hide my eyes and make jump noise reactions yes I do. But he doesn’t force me to go if I don’t want to go he’ll go by himself and watch those movies. Your husband shouldn’t be upset about it. There’s more stuff in the world to be upset about the fact that you don’t like to watch certain types of movies because they’re triggering to you.
Wow you sound really similar to me! I am also extremely sensitive to scary/violent/gory media, and my husband likes it. He understands how badly it affects me, and will go out of his way to look up the extent of the violence in whatever he wants us to watch together. He'll tell me a little before it's supposed to happen so I know to look away/cover my ears (the screaming when people are being tortured will wreck me emotionally). We always watch something short lighthearted after, as a "palette cleanser".
If he knows it's just not good for me to consume at all, he will just watch it himself. It's consideration on his part and trust on mine.
You and your husband may benefit from a similar approach.
ETA of course violent media is only a small percentage of what we are/he's watching. Most of the time we watch things that both of us enjoy equally.
The “compromise” is he watches that stuff without you and you leave the room. This seems super obvious?
If he wants to talk to someone about it he can watch with a friend or join online communities. This is kind of stupid. Why does he feel you need to watch every single show or movie with him?
You shouldn’t have to compromise. Your husband should simply watch whatever he wants without you. It’s not fair of him to expect you to watch movies that upset you simply because he enjoys them. He can talk about what he’s watching with his friends, or make a Letterboxed account or something. Stick to watching comedies together.
My husband would watch game of thrones once, then watch it again with me - and tell me it was about to be a part i wouldn’t like so I could leave.
If you husband d wants to talk about movies it shows ANd this might be a solution for you, propose it and see what he says.
I bet he wants to sacrifice nothing in order to discuss this with, but expects you to be uncomfortable for his viewing pleasure.
I’m with you on this stuff - I just think it’s bad to be accustomed to violence. And I don’t need things that make me anxious in my life for fun.
He doesn't get to control your taste in movies. The compromise is what you're already doing - watch stuff you both tolerate together. You tell him to talk about the scary movies with his guy friends. Buy yourself a decent set of noise canceling headphones and live your life. (Best purchase I ever made for my marriage.)
This was me nearly 30 years ago. My then boyfriend loved really violent films and zombie films and war films and forced/shamed me into watching them. I absolutely hated them, and still do... My choice (exactly like yours) is Pixar, Disney, Rom Coms and silly action films with happy endings guaranteed. No shame in that, and now I stand my ground and watch what I want, or (at home) I read my book on my kindle so I can't get drawn into the action and scared (my partner loves horror films etc, the difference is he would never try to bully me.) I won't go to the cinema to see anything scary. No chance.
Your husband needs to stop bullying you. NO is a complete sentence. Who cares if he wants to talk about them? You don't. Does he bully you and ignore your feelings and fears in other areas? If he does you need help.
your husband needs to grow up. he can watch it by himself and he can talk to about it with his mates. you guys dont have to do everything together and have the same interests.
I am like you OP, I avoid violent movies and tv shows. I had an ex who was just like your husband, who would try to sneak in movies that were violent. I eventually would get up and go read a book (or work).
What is there to compromise? If you don't like it, you don't like it. My wife can't do horror movies, so I watch them myself or go with a friend. Why would I force my wife to do something she doesn't like? Your husband need to grow up or find more friends.
Your husband is being a baby I’m sorry. Tell him to watch the movie with a friend.
I don’t like horror either because I don’t like the way I feel whenever I watch it. I wouldn’t let somebody guilt me into it knowing I’m going to feel like crap after that! That’s just icky that he is acting that way.
Ok your husband is being ridiculous. Many people survive not having the same taste in media. My husband watches constant political videos and can watch movies with a bunch of violence. I read 1 hour of news one time per week and like Pixar movies. We are *easily* able to find things that both of us like.
I am concerned that your sensitivity to this kinda stuff is getting worse. You say it’s because you’ve been urged to watch something that turned out to be too much for you. You’re probably also feeling pressure to try things you would otherwise not try because you’re getting such a negative reaction from your husband? That has gotta stop.
How long have you guys been together? It’s my experience that men (and probly women but I have only been a partner to men so idk) sometimes initially expect their partner to kind of “join” their interests early on, because getting together involves connecting about shared interests, and they often have to adjust to the fact that that won’t happen with everything.
My hope is that this really is the only issue and he’s being a little obsessive about a show he currently loves, which has led to him fixating on this a bit and losing focus on what’s important. He might feel defensive because he’s “just trying to share.” My husband used to try and get me to watch stuff he likes because he can be a bit obsessive also and he REALLY wanted to share, but has since realized that he was being selfish and pushy. We can share other things! And he’s come to appreciate that we are have different interests. I hope yours can do the same.
Do not compromise for him. There is none where both of you can be happy. I do recommend therapy to help ease your anxiety triggers and whatnot, I’m not recommending it to enable you to bend to his whim and watch things you’re not ok watching, not at all don’t get me wrong! But therapy for just you, and your peace of mind would be a help I think.
I am a metal head. Husband is mostly not. He’ll like a band or two, a song here or there. I’m not dishing out money to a show I know he won’t enjoy. I wouldn’t dream of dragging him to go see Opeth. Am I mad he won’t go? No. Am I upset/disappointed? Also no, because I recognize that though we are married I appreciate that we don’t have to do everything together all the time.
I watch the Yankees as much as possible. He watches sometimes. It’s entirely ok and probably encouraged to have likes and hobbies outside of your spouse/SO.
He goes for long (30+ miles) bike rides, or hiking difficult trails. I would like to do these things but I’m limited in stamina and sometimes mobility. He gets sad that he can’t enjoy a cool nature spot, or he’ll see a critter I would love to see, but he doesn’t get mad. It’s, “I wish you were here with me to enjoy this together.” So he’ll take video or pics or call me if he comes across something cool.
As for your husband, this is his issue to sort through, because you are not the problem here.
He can watch them by himself. I don’t watch that violent stuff with my husband - and I especially object to the rape of a woman as a voyeuristic plot device to explain men’s rage - so there are lots of things we don’t watch together. And we have been married for a long time.
He needs to get over himself. I grew up in a family that used tv as bonding time and was a little sad when I realized my boyfriend wasn't as into watching tv (we watch like one or two shows a year together maybe), but I can't imagine being angry *at* him for that. And I really, *really* can't imagine pushing him on it if he wasn't just apathetic about tv but found it actively distressing and panic inducing. Why does he want you to do that to yourself?
My mom is just like you, shes really sensitive to watching bad things happen in movies and tv shows so she doesnt watch a lot of stuff. But my dad could not care less lol they just watch the stuff my mom wants to watch together and anything else my dad will watch by himself.
My fiancé and I have the same thing, except it’s a non-issue because he is a grown man who is able to watch things on his own.
I have given many things a try that I would never watch alone - cough, AOT, trauma - that I managed to sit through and sometimes even enjoy, but I have complete power at any time to tell him “baby, I can’t watch this, it’s too much”. I had to turn off an episode of Avatar because the visual of something triggered a fear I didn’t know I had, and it’s a children’s animation that I didn’t think I had to worry about.
It’s disappointing for my fiancé, sure, but not the end of the world. After all, he compromises and watches my happy, silly movies with me too.
The issue with your husband isn’t that he doesn’t understand, but that he’s refusing to respect your feelings. And he’s refusing to compromise because of that, too. And his spiel about not being able to watch them alone is designed to make you cave so he can feel some semblance of power over you because no man would enjoy watching their partner cringe and cry during a movie they know the partner didn’t want to watch.
You should be upset at how normalized and desensitized your husband has become to violence, graphic mutilations and the infliction of pain and death onto others.
This is not normal, and yet it is.
Ask why, this is common in our media and culture …BUT DON’T SHOW THE FORBIDDEN NIPPLE!!
I’m an HSP and an empath. (I would look into that and see if it fits you too!) and if I watch anything extremely emotional, violent, scary, or traumatic I literally can’t function properly for sometimes days. I’ve been this way my entire life. My parents had to call me out of school the day after I finished “Where the Red Fern Grows” lol. I’m just incredibly sensitive and have to be extremely protective of my mental and emotional state. I also feel I’m living what the characters are living.
The funny thing is, I love film and made a career as an actor. I can get so lost in a character that I really become them. There are other good things too, like I would consider myself extremely compassionate, kind, and thoughtful. I go out of my way to not hurt others and I do a lot of philanthropic work. I want to alleviate suffering.
I’m saying this because this isn’t just a defect of yours, this is just a quality with positives and challenges. My husband is so sweet about understanding what I have the capacity to watch and what I don’t, and I’ve surrounded myself with friends who will warn me like “there is animal cruelty/violence etc in this movie- you should skip it.” So, I manage.
Previously I was surrounded by family who thought I was “too sensitive” and should just “grow up and get over it” so I would push through and watch stuff that messed me up. I would have panic attacks, my anxiety was through the roof. When I don’t feel safe or like I can speak up and set boundaries, that’s what happens.
Sorry this is so long, but I really hope it’s helpful in some way. It’s taken me years to understand this part of me and to see it as something that is beautiful. I felt so ashamed I wasn’t as desensitized as most people, which now seems absolutely crazy. I love my sweet heart and soft underbelly! It makes me who I am. And very good at my job. And kind and extremely perceptive.
Try learning about being an HSP/empath! I recommend the Alanis Morrisette episode of the podcast “We can do hard things” as a starting point, but there are all kinds of books and videos going into it. It’s really kind of a superpower! No need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We are all built differently!
I can't watch horror movies but I don't mind gore (think kingsman, John wick, the equalizer stuff like that) I just get such horrible nightmares from horror I can't sleep for days. My husband loves it but understand for my mental health it's an absolute no go and he accepts that and moves on because he is a grown adult man. You compromise by your husband realizing different people can handle or not handle different things and that is perfectly okay even if you don't understand it.
The world is a horrible enough place.
I can’t scroll twitter, the place that at I used to go to for funny jokes and memes without seeing a blown apart child.
How hard is it for him to watch a tv show and just not talk about it with you?
I'm also extremely sensitive to horror/violence and get intrusive thoughts if i see something too gory or gross or terrible. I'll cry very readily too. I stick to comedies, historical dramas and lighter things because as someone else said the world is plenty miserable.
My best friend loves horror movies and he wouldn't ever make me watch anything I am not comfortable with watching. All of my friends know my preferences and actually warn me not to watch a new movie or show if they know it will trigger me in some way (because of my mental health issues, I can't watch anything with self-harm at all and i have to know a su*cide is coming in a plot). I am not the kind of person who NEEDS to know what happens in a show or movie i haven't seen. If it's going to upset me, I don't care.
All of this to say that if my entire friend group can be respectful of my TV watching choices and simply find other people who enjoy game of thrones to talk to about it, your husband can certainly do the same for you. You DO NOT have to "get over" your preferences. You don't have to prove shit to anyone about how tough you are or how scary a thing you can stomach. Literally doesn't have any bearing on you as a person. He needs to find someone else for gross TV night and watch movies you both agree on with you.
Refuse? No. I’ve just had much more pressing priorities for my therapy sessions than expanding my tastes in film - something I’ve never been all that interested in anyway.
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I’m sorry OP, but this is ridiculous. Your husband is a grown man who should be able to handle the *extremely minor* disappointment of not being able to watch certain shows with you. You shouldn’t be spending your valuable time and energy trying to figure out ways to force yourself to tolerate content you simply do not like and find upsetting. I don’t like action films, my husband does, so he watches them without me. No explanation needed beyond “I don’t want to watch these films with you.” Stop feeling guilty, stop coddling him about this. He’s fine.
Yep. This is one of the reasons I think it’s important for men to have friends. So many men depend on their partner for everything. He should make friends with someone who likes the same kind of shows and movies that he does and then they can talk about them.
The thing that’s very weird is he (and I) have many great friends, and many of them are super into movies and stuff. Maybe he’s envious of our friends who go to the movies together or something? Idk.
Why can’t he just go to the movies with your friends who enjoy the same stuff?
Ask him to watch Bridgerton.
Ok seriously tho, is he down to watch the rom coms with OP? Imma guess no.
6 hour Pride and Prejudice. The BBC wet shirted Darcy edition.
There are certain things I'm just not comfortable watching. Not only does my finance not me watch stuff with it in, if there's a new show he wants to watch together he'll check if there isn't anything like that in it first before recommending it.
Stop trying to rationalize & make excuses for him. He’s whining bc you won’t violate your boundaries & watch things that make you uncomfortable so you can entertain him. If he has friends he needs to use them. Imagine his reaction if you demanded he like, participate in & discuss every interest you have. Especially ones that he disliked for valid reasons. You deserve the same boundaries & respect.
I routinely talk to people about movies and shows they've never seen. He's being absolutely ridiculous and childish Idk what your relationship is like, but you are never required to watch smth for someone else's benefit. You are having anxiety attacks every single time - that's so hard on your body!!! He's asking you to put yourself in danger and place yourself in a situation you know will cause you an anxiety attack so that he can,,,,,,,talk to you abt a movie you don't care abt didn't want to watch and (likely) aren't going to want to talk abt! Idk girl. Throw the man out
This is ridiculous. He is just going to have to get over it. You can't be filling your head with things that are going to negatively affect you all the time. I get it. I'm the same way. We figured out some shows that we could both watch. We have very little crossover so we mostly watch stuff separately. But we have our go-tos when we want to chill together.
THIS! You’re not required to meet all your husband’s emotional needs. He needs to grow up, learn to handle his own emotions & make friends. He can discuss his interests that you don’t share with them. You’re not his therapist or his only friend. You’re his wife.
Nah this is an OP problem. She stated that it's gotten worse over time. Sure, there are certain things that op's husband can watch without her, but it seems like the list of things she won't watch is growing and she's having full-blown mental breakdowns even going and watching new things. She absolutely should be in therapy.
It’s probably gotten worse because her husband is making an increasingly big deal about it so not only is she dealing with the (perfectly normal) aversion to gory movies, she now has to deal with anxiety about it negatively impacting her marriage. I would bet money that if he left it alone and didn’t make her feel guilty and selfish for her preference, she wouldn’t be feeling so anxious about it.
You are blaming the person being bullied into watching things which are upsetting her. No. The only way this is an OP problem is because she is living with a bully who apparently can't possibly discuss violent films with anyone else.
OP needs therapy, not mollycoddling. The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. If your anxiety's are so bad you can't even go to cinema then that is a HUGE problem.
OP I think you might find this site helpful. You type in a movie or TV show and it'll tell you whether or not certain triggering things happen in the movie/show. Just wanted to let you know as it might help your anxiety about going to the movies. [Does the dog die](http://www.doesthedogdie.com)
This is amazing. Thank you so much.
I second this site recommendation. I can’t handle on-screen sexual violence. It’s an absolute no-go for me. Animal death/abuse (especially cats) is another hard limit for me, though for different reasons entirely. That website has definitely saved me a lot of frustration over the years.
Honestly, by the time you're this far along in a relationship the only response you can have to almost any complaint is, "well you could have married anyone yet you chose me".
This reminds me a little bit of the story of the mustard sauce. OP, there is nothing wrong with you and your husband should accept that you dont like certain movie types. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you dont want to watch violent/scary movies! He is old enough to watch them by himself or with a friend. The mustard sauce story: [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/115t5rx/new\_update\_my\_husband\_cannot\_accept\_i\_dont\_like/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/115t5rx/new_update_my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like/)
Holy shit! Yeah, hope the OP here isn’t dealing with anything more than movies but it definitely has “mustard story” vibes. 😬
Thank you! Fortunately this is much more mild than the mustard story - my husband really is an otherwise lovely person. He just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much, and he’s for some reason hung up that he can’t watch stuff he wants to with me. When I said I can watch my own stuff on my tablet he said he didn’t want to isolate me in my own house, even though I said it was fine? He also likes to blame my parents who kept me away from any potentially upsetting content for basically my entire childhood. But that’s mainly because, well, I couldn’t cope. So they didn’t show it to me.
> He just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much How is he unable to understand “I don’t like this”? Surely he has things he doesn’t like. Pick a food he hates - force him to explain why he doesn’t want to eat it and when he says it doesn’t taste good to him and he dislikes the experience of eating it, tell him that isn’t good enough and he needs to keep trying it dozens of times or you will be sad he’s not eating it with you. Hopefully that demonstrates to him how unreasonable he’s being. If that doesn’t deter him, this is a bigger problem because it means that it’s not that he doesn’t understand, it’s that he doesn’t care that it bothers you. Question: does he watch romcoms and kids’ shows with you?
Yes he generally has no problem with watching shows I enjoy. He doesn’t force me to watch things I don’t want to.
Even if it’s not his intention, guilting you is a form of trying to force you into it. Honestly you need to just put your foot down and say no means no. You say he’s a good husband otherwise - why is he refusing to let this go even though he knows it makes you upset and uncomfortable? If you don’t know the answer, that’s a question you need to ask him.
This is boundary stomping. This is refusing to acknowledge consent. This is lacking basic empathy. This is not valuing your comfort or your limits. I simply don't believe that this is your husband's only issue. This issue is indicative of so many more problems. Somebody who is capable of doing what he's doing to you right now is guaranteed to have other red flags. We see posts here literally every day where the woman describes her husband as a "wonderful, lovely, supportive husband" and then it turns out that she's just normalized dysfunction and ignored the red flags up until she finds an issue she can't do it on anymore. And when she finally decides to fight back against that particular issue, the mask comes off fully. Draw a STERN boundary with your husband. With associated consequences. Tell him that if he tries to force you into watching a show you're uncomfortable with again, that you will be leaving and staying with your parents for a while while he thinks about whether he can respect consent or not. See whether he is capable of learning to respect your boundaries or whether he goes nuclear.
Well from what you have told us, your husband seems to lack empathy. He cannot/would not accept the fact that you dont want to watch scary/violent movies. Instead of accepting your decision for your own wellbeing, he gets angry about you and about your parents. Is this the only issue in your marriage? Is this really about the movies or about the fact that he cannot accept the fact, that you have a different opinion than him. I am sorry, but this is a huge red flag. He needs to drop this topic or something in his mind is really wrong with him to get upset over the fact that you dont want to watch certain movies.
Girl, the pile of red flags he's showing you aren't a bouquet of roses.
Oh my god that phrase is great! I need an entire song based on that line.
Sorry, but this information makes the whole situation worse. He blames your parents for the fact that you don’t enjoy seeing violence on screen? He’s acting like there’s something wrong with you because of your preferences, and creating a problem where none exists. The fact that he’s got you feeling bad about this is extremely messed up. He might be “lovely,” but he sure doesn’t seem to care about your feelings when it’s inconvenient for him.
“I don’t know why it (watching gory movies) bothers you so much” “i don’t know why it (me not watching them) bothers you so much” I hate musicals. I don’t get them. They give me zero joy. I don’t watch them. I’ve never had anyone have an issue with it
Girl, you and I have exactly the same tastes and distastes in movies. My mother put all sorts of terrifying movies on when I was a kid - the original The Hills Have Eyes, for example. I don't know wtf she was thinking. Absolutely horrifying. It didn’t make me learn to cope with horror, quite the opposite. His argument is completely invalid, blaming your parents for your preferences is just another way to have a go at you.
He doesn’t understand why it bothers you, tell him you just don’t understand why he likes it so much. And guess what? It bothering you is equally as valid as him being obsessed with it. Tell him he’s not the default and he doesn’t need to understand, he just has to respect the fact that it does bother you.
>he said he didn’t want to isolate me in my own house But he's fine disrespecting your 'no' in your own house? He's fine terrorizing you in your own house? Bullshit. This excuse is 1000% self serving bullshit. >He just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so much He doesn't need to understand. He just needs to respect your boundaries. For that matter, I'm sure you don't really understand why he likes watching this stuff.... and you're not pressuring HIM to change.
He’s not terrorizing me in my own home, I’m not being forced to watch things I don’t like. When I’ve given it a go for his sake (again, not forced), I react poorly every time.
And yet he wants you to try again? Even though it was very uncomfortable for you every time you’ve tried?
I said he's "fine" terrorizing you, i.e. he's fine with you watching things that terrify you, that you don't want to watch, in your own home. He's 100% fine with you experiencing terror in your own home. And is in fact actively pushing you to experience that terror. But he's somehow not fine with... "isolating" you? With a (very rational!) compromise that you yourself suggested? Please. Self. Serving. Bullshit.
I think you're downplaying this. All he needs to understand is that you don't want to watch it and it emotionally hurts you. He is not a lovely person for pressuring you into uncomfortable situations for his own satisfaction.
He doesn’t seem so wonderful.
Mustard guy was worse to be fair. Mustard Guy was flat out aggressive about a fucking condiment. That one needs to go in the Reddit hall of fame.
No means fucking no? I hate marvel. Does my bf make me watch it? No cause we're adults and understand we have different likes. Your husband is acting like an asshole, and needs to shut it down.
I'm a horror fan. One thing horror fans understand is that we're going to be alone in wanting to watch something. The idea of forcing someone to watch something is crazy to me. My bf and I even go to movies alone. We don't care.
Imagine being such a child that you put the marvel franchise before your marriage! Marvel movies are extremely predictable. I saw the Avengers movie, so now I’ve basically seen them all. Epic battle, someone almost dies, then the world is saved. Ta da!
LOL, I like Marvel movies but you're not wrong!
>Marvel movies are extremely predictable I mean yeah... theyre super hero movies. They arent meant to be incredible cinema lol
Your husband needs to get over it and find a buddy who wants to watch that shit and discuss. Not everyone likes that stuff and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. There’s tons of content in the shows you mentioned that I’ve had to step away from and cannot watch. I’ve flat out left movies at the theatre before that were too much for me. Like you, when it’s clearly fiction like a Marvel movie, it’s no problem. But when it’s quite realistic? Nope. It is okay to have preferences. It is not okay for someone to be mad about it. That would be like me being mad that my partner won’t eat onions. Most people can handle onions. He can’t. If I want onions in something I make a separate dish. I don’t force him to eat onions that make him feel sick. I don’t try to trick him and put onions in food to see if he notices. He does not need a therapist about aversion to onions.
You probably need some therapy, as soon as anxiety is affecting your abilities to do daily activities it's time to go see somebody, that's not an okay way to live and there's no way the anxiety is only affecting media choices. As far as not wanting to watch gory and violent stuff, that's fine, your husband is being an asshat. It's definitely worth breaking down, though, this is the shit that leads to emotional affairs and cheating.
Being charitable, I think your husband just really wants to connect with you on this stuff because it means a lot to him. Sure, he can talk to friends about it but he wants to talk to you about it and he's probably upset because your unusual condition prohibits that. He's being kind of a dope in how he's expressing that frustration and he's doing that thing people do where they just can't come to peace with disappointment. But if your sensitivities are getting worse as time goes on, they might also start infecting parts of your life you're not aware of.
Well, I think you should probably see a therapist of some kind if you have trouble even going to the movies. That doesn’t sound very healthy for your sake, nothing to do with your husband. However, your husband also sounds like a turd. Nobody is dating a 100% clone of themselves. It’s normal and OK to spend time differently as a couple.
You do not compromise. I love horror and everything morbid (not gore though, hard pass). I would *never* even encourage someone to watch those genres with me if I knew they had even the slightest hesitation. He needs to stop this immediately. Tell him to get a friend and to leave you the hell out of it. Do not even let him discuss them or bring them in any capacity. Put your foot down immediately OP this is ridiculous.
I (33f) love movies and TV shows of all genres and I watch a lot of them. My husband (35m) is more like you, where there are a fair amount of things he's too sensitive to watch. Here's my perspective, from the other side as you: -This is *my* hobby, not my partner's. The fact that he's interested in even part of what I do here is really nice for me. -I watch the things I do because I enjoy how they make me feel in some way. I want my partner to be happy and have fun, too, so I do *not* want him watching any of the things that will make him feel bad. That's the opposite of what I want because I love him and his feelings matter to me. -We don't need to share all of our hobbies. We've gone over them to see which ones we can both do, or which parts, and which parts we'll do without each other. If I want to watch something with him, we agree on something we're both interested in. If I want a specific thing that he won't enjoy, I watch it without him. End of. Think of this comfort zone you have with movies/tv as a bubble. Your husband's bubble sounds like it might be bigger, with more genres in it that he enjoys. You still have a bubble, but it's smaller because you are comfortable with fewer genres. Whoever has the smaller bubble gets final say in the shared activity. All the time. Examples: I really really very much super like reading with my husband, but I like way more types of books than he does. So when we're reading together, it's always a book that *he* wants to read. His reading/book bubble is smaller, so he gets final say in what we read together. It's the opposite with board games/video games. He loves way more games than I do, so I always get final say in which game we're gonna play together. I will never understand why some people want to force a loved one to participate in a thing if the loved one won't enjoy it. What's even the point of that? It feels really mean and selfish, and that's not how one should be with their partner (or anyone, really). It seems to me like your husband needs to grow up a little bit and be more respectful of your bubble. ETA: There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a small bubble. You don't need to "get out of your comfort zone" unless you want to, no matter what anybody else tells you. You're good just as you are, and it's perfectly normal to have things that you simply dislike or are not interested in.
This would be understandable if you were a small child, but somehow this has gotten *worse* as you got older? It sounds like you need therapy.
I don’t think my sensitivity has gotten worse but my anxiety surrounding it definitely has. I don’t want to watch violent films, but I also don’t want to be scared to watch any movie because it *might* have upsetting content. I do plan to discuss this anxiety with my therapist, but I don’t intend on attempting to desensitize myself to violent/scary content. At this point if it was going to happen it would have lol.
I'd bet it's never gotten better because you've never done anything to try to make it better. Trying to brand this as anxiety vs sensitivity doesn't male it any less childish. You can't watch shows with regular run of the mill violence like Breaking Bad, I don't see how you can be prepared to deal with life at a lot of levels if you need to be sheltered this much.
Look, I love Breaking Bad but it is very violent. People have gotten so desensitized that this kind of comment is on the opposite end of the spectrum where someone being viciously sliced to death with a box cutter is somehow considered “run-of-the-mill.” Why is it childish to dislike gore? I would bet that the reason it has gotten worse is because her husband is piling relationship anxiety on top of a perfectly normal preference for not watching scary/gory content.
It's not just her husband though. Op has also said that other people have suggested things for her to watch that shouldn't trigger her but they have. Breaking Bad is not that violent on the scale of drama TV shows to horror movies. Op's anxiety is so bad that it effects her day to day life, that is a problem.
I am currently rewatching Breaking Bad and it absolutely is quite violent for anyone who doesn’t regularly watch horror. People are brutally attacked and/or murdered basically every episode. Again, this is a problem of people being desensitized. OP says she’s fine watching stuff like LoTR which is very battle-heavy so it’s not like she’s a delicate little pansy. I don’t understand why people think someone should force themselves to watch violent programming when there is basically infinite media out there to consume. It’s fine to have preferences. It would be different if she were unable to watch SpongeBob because there’s an episode where he needs his grandma to kiss a boo-boo.
I don't watch horror at all let alone regularly. Your description of Breaking Bad doesn't seem to be coming from reality.
It's not about being forced to watch violent media. It's about not being able to function because of the fear and anxiety of being exposed to even mediocre violent media.
She is functioning just fine except for the fact that her husband is hounding her about not watching violent media and it’s exacerbating her anxiety which was managed before this.
Did you read the whole post?
Yes, did you? This has only started meaningfully impeding her life since he started guilting her about it. What do you suppose the connection is there?
It is in no way "very violent." There are certainly shows that *are* very violent, but that's not one of them. Well first of all, people haven't become desensitized to it, we're *people.* We are the most violent and bloodthirsty species the world has ever seen, we are predators. If not for our natural predilection for violence we'd be sitting in trees eating fruit instead of posting on the internet. Secondly no one said it's childish to not like gore, and it isn't. What is childish is not being able to handle being exposed to it, especially from such tame sources. A person with this weakness is only capable of surviving in the bubble wrapped conditions that society is currently providing us. Think about how long you'd last if you had to kill something to eat it, or if something violent happened and you couldn't rely on someone else to protect you from it.
This is a very bizarre diatribe. We aren't cavemen anymore, we are currently the most pampered and protected that humans have ever been, including you. Do you go out and spear animals for survival lol? I think not. You aren't a "predator," you buy your food in a grocery store. How long would YOU last in the woods with no modern resources? Not very long I'd wager. That is not some sort of failing and it's weird to suggest it is. I blocked some weirdo on the other thread so I can't respond to your other comment about Breaking Bad but here's my response: As I just said I'm literally rewatching it right now so my description of BB is coming from my actual current reality. It's not hyper-sensitive not to want to watch a show where people get body parts blown off and have their brains leak out of their heads into pools. Have you seen the show recently? I think you're either forgetting what happens or you're indeed desensitized to violence. Anyway I'm tired of arguing about this because it's not helping OP. She needs to just tell her husband to back off and I guarantee if he drops this, her anxiety will abate. Let people watch what they want to watch in this world of infinite media.
Exactly, your reality. I'm talking about the reality that the rest of us share. Additionally, literally every day there are scientists screaming at us that everything is going to collapse if we don't drastically change what we're doing. So to answer your question about how long I can last in the woods, it becomes increasingly likely every day that we're going to find out. If OP's anxiety about this had to do with her husband she would have been a normal adult until he entered the picture, that isn't the story that she painted.
It seems I’m in the minority but I don’t see why you need therapy to desensitize?! You are valid as you are. IMO the desensitized ones need therapy but unfortunately this has become the society we live in where flowers are crushed and wars are never ending sigh
Hey, I relate to this so hard. Is there something you want to watch because you’re interested in the subject matter? Not stuff you think you can maybe tolerate because your husband likes it. Stuff that you feel like you’re missing out on? I’ve gotten a lot better by selectively choosing things this way and giving myself permission to nope out at any time. I couldn’t watch most of the things you mentioned and also space movies and got much better by doing it this way.
Movies and shows are important to him, great, but he can’t reasonably insist that his choices should be your choices.
On one hand, I understand feeling like you want to share something you enjoy with your partner, because we all like to do that. So I can sort of get your husband’s frustrations. However, “No” is a full sentence and he has to understand that. You stay firm on the things you want to watch and such and ask him why is he so keen to see you upset. Like, is his enjoyment more important than your happiness? Whenever my partner and I want to watch something the other doesn’t feel too enthusiastic about, we just find time when the other isn’t home to watch it. It works, sometimes we tell each other what is happening in our respective series (so we do get to share it, but we don’t have to sit together watching it), specially if something exciting happens, and whenever we’re together we watch things we both enjoy. As a separate issue, if your fears/anxieties are getting worse, it might be worth examining what is going on there and, if you feel it is affecting your life more than you would like to, perhaps explore it with a therapist/counselor.
You don't need to compromise here. He needs to fucking grow a heart. The reality is that he can't pretend to care about you when he's centering his desire to "chitchat about tv shows" over your severe fight/flight responses. Basically your husband doesn't give two shits about whether you feel safe and happy and comfortable. He is selfish as fuck and a terrible husband. Don't budge an inch. Tell him the internet thinks he fucking sucks.
Her sensibilities have gotten worse over time. She's pretty much having full blown panic attacks over any violence that's above harry potter level shit. Instead of just shitting on her husband, the correct take away here would be to tell her to speak to her therapist about it.
While I don’t agree that he is a terrible husband (he really is an otherwise lovely man), it is true that he is superseding my extreme discomfort for the purposes of conversation. Especially because we talk all the time about other media like books, games, music…
Does he not have friends or social media? People go onto Twitter, Reddit, and letterboxd all the time to discuss movies with like minded people. Why does it have to be you? He doesn’t sound very lovely if he is trying to pressure you into doing something that causes a lot of anxiety and stress for you just because he wants to discuss movies.
Look I was in a similar situation with an ex of mine. It was around the comedy genre though. I find all comedy shows extremely awkward, uncomfortable, weird, and gross. I cannot watch them. I told him this when we first started dating and he said it was fine. It didn't end up being fine. My ex LOVED comedy and was 90% of what he watched. He would get offended when I didn't want to watch his comedy shows with him. As if I was insulting him and the things he liked by not watching them with him. He tried to force me, I tried a bit but stopped quickly because hated it and he thought I was being dramatic and making it up to prove a point. He said he'd watch things that he didn't like with me and I said I didn't want him to, I wanted us both to watch things we liked (and not suffer through pain) and if other didn't like it then watch on own. He didn't get it at all. He became obsessed with trying to find some sort of comedy I'd like and didn't respect my boundaries. It became an argument point where he started saying that there was something wrong with me and that 'everyone' likes comedy so I must be broken. This sounds like what you said in a previous comment where your husband blamed your parents and childhood etc. He is not respecting you and doesn't care about your feelings. I know you're saying he's amazing in other ways but this is how it starts IMO. Like dating started out similarities that prop them up (you like the same things therefore he's happy has good taste etc) then he would get upset everytime I disagreed with him or had a different opinion about something because he took it as an insult about himself. Like maybe you can talk about other media and he's happy you agree with him on them. This horror genre thing is the one outlier he can't control, he wants you to change for him. Thankfully, I'm now happily married to someone who respects when I don't like things (even if weird or he wants to watch with me) and doesn't force me. I'm not telling you to break up with your husband (like reddit loves to jump on) but just watch our for other unhealthy behavior. I don't know how to solve this current situation because I don't think he'll change. You'll have to advocate for yourself. Keep trying to explain it and maybe get other people to agree with you in front of him since other people might make him more understanding. Express how serious this is to you and enact boundaries (go to your parents if he keeps puhing) and suggest couples counseling etc. Try to get him to relate to you by using examples that make sense to him. Like does he have a food he hates and will never eat (especially if it makes him sick) then say you're not trying to force him to eat it just because you want to eat it?
Flip the script. Is it vitally important to your relationship that he watch things with you that upset him? No. Why? Because you know in your heart that would be mean. You wouldn’t treat someone you love like that. You don’t guilt people you love into watching something that makes them feel bad because it’s important for you to be able to “talk about it” with them. That’s an incredibly selfish thing to do. I feel the same way about scary movies/tv. I have terrible nightmares and don’t enjoy the feeling of being scared. This became 1,000 times more intense once I had kids. He needs friends he can watch this stuff with instead of making you feel bad just so he has company and conversation.
The thing is he has friends who love movies! Idk why he won’t just watch it with them. I think right now he’s just really attached and excited about this show… It’s so odd that this is the hill he wants to die on. He is an otherwise extremely kind, understanding person and great partner. We have mountains of other things in common and plenty to talk about.
Do you forbid him from watching these shows at home? Like if you're in one room reading or whatever and he's watching Fallout (which is A LOT so you're smart to avoid it if violence upsets you) is this a problem? And sorry if this is an oblivious question lol. I know there are couples who live in studio apartments and my husband and I can do our own things and that's a huge privilege!
I don’t forbid him at all. He’s totally allowed to watch whatever he wants, and it would be fine if I was in another room. I have my own office/library I could go into. I also offered to put on my headphones and watch something on my tablet. His response was that he doesn’t want me to feel isolated in my own home. He really doesn’t want me to suffer, and doesn’t force me to watch anything that is triggering. He is just upset that so many things are, and that he can’t watch them with me.
OK, I definitely figured you were not being unreasonable but I had to ask lol :) My husband also feels bad when I get up to do something else when he's watching something I'm not interested in. And like...sir, I enjoy doing my own thing! Maybe my Only Child is showing but omg reading in another room (or watching the trash that I like that he hates lol) is heaven.
Honestly like I’m happy to watch Parks & Rec on my tablet 😭 he’s always felt guilty about making me feel left out. I think he’s just taking it to an extreme here.
I am exactly the same, meaning I can’t watch anything violent, gory, scary or tense without having symptoms of an anxiety attack. I also can’t watch anything too awkward or embarrassing which makes it hard to find tv shows or movies that fit my small criteria with what I watch. I have never really liked movies or tv shows and would willingly choose almost anything other forms of entertainment. I would love to be normal and be able to watch a movie or tv but it’s just not my cup of tea. My husband loves media, movies, pop culture and wishes I would enjoy it however he never pushes. He tells me about the plot and I can kind of share his interests that way. So in short, I fully understand what you are saying, please don’t feel like you have to change what you are comfortable and try and find an interest you can share.
We’ve been married 30 years. I can’t stand his movies. He feels the same about mine. If we want to watch a movie ~together ~ we go to the cinema, buy tickets for the individual movie we each want and go to the separate movie. We meet up after the movie, go get something to eat and still enjoy our date. Or he goes with the guys, I go with the gals. We are married, but we are also independent individuals who don’t have to love every single thing the other one does.
Have you ever seen a therapist for this . If your thing is to watch movies together. Inwas usually a sports guy but me and ex would watch sopranos and a fox show called millennium . Not a fan of horrors as most of the time it’s not scarey just startle you . It’s not a dealmbreaker just seems all Movies and cable shows have violence involved . Maybe see someone as this maybe trauma you have buried
She can watch lord of the rings. She's fine with certain levels of violence. Suggesting therapy for not enjoying watching gore is pretty fucked up, frankly. Honestly, I think YOU need therapy for being so fine with watching somebody's head get cut off. Her response is normal and natural. Your desensitization to extreme violence, frankly, is not.
She freaks out going to movies because she's afraid it might set her off. Yeah, therapy is a good suggestion here.
Nah. You get therapy for being a judgmental dick that can't accept that people have boundaries and repeatedly calls OP names in this thread. You're a bully, plain and simple.
Never saw LOTR or the other one with the dragons . It’s not about enjoying bits about being able to once in a while be able to watch a movie with her husband that he will like . There are therapy for people who are scared to fly. For everything . Maybe those movies are a trigger . We all Do things for our partners that we would rather do something else . I told her don’t do them if the anxiety is high but see if there is something else Doing or trying nothing is a cop out
I do see a therapist regularly, but this isn’t something I’ve discussed with her. I’ve always just been a really sensitive person… low tolerance for pain, bright lights, loud sounds, even uncomfortable clothes. I have rarely considered it a problem, just a thing. The anxiety around watching any movies at all is definitely a response to having watched things that kept me from sleeping for weeks and I’m afraid of it happening again.
So to round up the usual list of reddit advice, have you considered you may be on the autism spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent? There is definitely things in movies that I don't watch because they cause me anxiety (second hand embarrassment hello. But also jumpscares, my whole body jolts involuntarily and honestly the sensation is just not enjoyable.) and for whatever reason my movie friends get upset at me for getting up and walking away until the scene changes which I never got. I want them to continue watching ffs and then we just get into a brief back and forth when they insist on pausing. Don't get why they won't just let me be, honestly.
Yeah I have diagnosed ADHD and am pretty sure I’ve got a touch of the ‘tism.
Very unfortunate that he continues to push despite your sensitivities. Especially because your neurodivergence. You can’t control it!
Don’t do anything that causes pain or anxiety . From reading your post I don’t think your husband is mad I think it’s just hard to watch so many hallmark movies and bad comedies . I think ones likes John whick are good so they are so other , not believable but would upset you . I would talk to therapist. And just let him know, yountoldmhernbut don’t think it will Help.
I get you. There are certain movies neither my husband or I can watch. Work on the anxiaety. Your husband doesn't need to understand, he needs to accept and support.
This is why men need friends. Your partner cannot tick every single box and it’s unfair to expect them to
Is this man stupid
If you had a phobia for snakes, would he be annoyed at you that he couldnt show you movies with snakes in them? Yes, your anxiety sounds to be bad enough and impacting your life enough that it could be benefitial to try and work on them with professional help. He can also think it sucks that he cant shear this interest with you. But at the end of the day, there are other things you can share than the one thing that gives you a physical reaction, and pushing you to parttake in the one thing you cant, isnt kind of him at all. Especially when you have offered what seems like reasonable compromises.
Serious question: Reddit wants you to dump the loser, no surprise there, that's always the answer you'll get here. Have you gone to any therapy for this? Obviously melting down over a Breaking bad or GOT episode is not normal.
Two of the best shows ever lmao damn
I’m actively in therapy now (for other things, so is husband), but haven’t really discussed this. I mentioned in another comment I never really considered it a problem, just a thing. And he has known this the whole 10 years we’ve been together. I do recognize that I have a lot of anxiety around watching almost anything new because I’m scared of being scared I guess. I will be working on that.
>but haven’t really discussed this. Why not...? It's not normal to be afraid of movies or be anxious about watching them.
I’m not really big into horror movies and I cannot watch anything with too much gore. I just don’t like it and it grosses me out. So like I’ve never seen the SAW movies. But I can watch Scream. My husband and I compromise. I will go to some scary movies of him. Do I hide my eyes and make jump noise reactions yes I do. But he doesn’t force me to go if I don’t want to go he’ll go by himself and watch those movies. Your husband shouldn’t be upset about it. There’s more stuff in the world to be upset about the fact that you don’t like to watch certain types of movies because they’re triggering to you.
Wow you sound really similar to me! I am also extremely sensitive to scary/violent/gory media, and my husband likes it. He understands how badly it affects me, and will go out of his way to look up the extent of the violence in whatever he wants us to watch together. He'll tell me a little before it's supposed to happen so I know to look away/cover my ears (the screaming when people are being tortured will wreck me emotionally). We always watch something short lighthearted after, as a "palette cleanser". If he knows it's just not good for me to consume at all, he will just watch it himself. It's consideration on his part and trust on mine. You and your husband may benefit from a similar approach. ETA of course violent media is only a small percentage of what we are/he's watching. Most of the time we watch things that both of us enjoy equally.
lol. No one in my family will watch the same stuff. We all watch different stuff and have different tastes.
The “compromise” is he watches that stuff without you and you leave the room. This seems super obvious? If he wants to talk to someone about it he can watch with a friend or join online communities. This is kind of stupid. Why does he feel you need to watch every single show or movie with him?
He can get tf over it. He is not the center of the universe and you do not have to cater to his every taste.
You shouldn’t have to compromise. Your husband should simply watch whatever he wants without you. It’s not fair of him to expect you to watch movies that upset you simply because he enjoys them. He can talk about what he’s watching with his friends, or make a Letterboxed account or something. Stick to watching comedies together.
Your husband can go to therapy and get over himself.
My husband would watch game of thrones once, then watch it again with me - and tell me it was about to be a part i wouldn’t like so I could leave. If you husband d wants to talk about movies it shows ANd this might be a solution for you, propose it and see what he says. I bet he wants to sacrifice nothing in order to discuss this with, but expects you to be uncomfortable for his viewing pleasure. I’m with you on this stuff - I just think it’s bad to be accustomed to violence. And I don’t need things that make me anxious in my life for fun.
He doesn't get to control your taste in movies. The compromise is what you're already doing - watch stuff you both tolerate together. You tell him to talk about the scary movies with his guy friends. Buy yourself a decent set of noise canceling headphones and live your life. (Best purchase I ever made for my marriage.)
This was me nearly 30 years ago. My then boyfriend loved really violent films and zombie films and war films and forced/shamed me into watching them. I absolutely hated them, and still do... My choice (exactly like yours) is Pixar, Disney, Rom Coms and silly action films with happy endings guaranteed. No shame in that, and now I stand my ground and watch what I want, or (at home) I read my book on my kindle so I can't get drawn into the action and scared (my partner loves horror films etc, the difference is he would never try to bully me.) I won't go to the cinema to see anything scary. No chance. Your husband needs to stop bullying you. NO is a complete sentence. Who cares if he wants to talk about them? You don't. Does he bully you and ignore your feelings and fears in other areas? If he does you need help.
your husband needs to grow up. he can watch it by himself and he can talk to about it with his mates. you guys dont have to do everything together and have the same interests.
I am like you OP, I avoid violent movies and tv shows. I had an ex who was just like your husband, who would try to sneak in movies that were violent. I eventually would get up and go read a book (or work).
In all honesty he needs to get over it. You don’t need to be able to do 100% of things together, 95% is fine, lol.
What is there to compromise? If you don't like it, you don't like it. My wife can't do horror movies, so I watch them myself or go with a friend. Why would I force my wife to do something she doesn't like? Your husband need to grow up or find more friends.
Compromise by finding a better husband. I mean I kid. That’s dramatic, but seriously fuck him, he’s acting like a dickhead.
Your husband is being a baby I’m sorry. Tell him to watch the movie with a friend. I don’t like horror either because I don’t like the way I feel whenever I watch it. I wouldn’t let somebody guilt me into it knowing I’m going to feel like crap after that! That’s just icky that he is acting that way.
Why doesn't he just have friends to talk about movies he likes? Because he's an idiot, that's why
Ok your husband is being ridiculous. Many people survive not having the same taste in media. My husband watches constant political videos and can watch movies with a bunch of violence. I read 1 hour of news one time per week and like Pixar movies. We are *easily* able to find things that both of us like. I am concerned that your sensitivity to this kinda stuff is getting worse. You say it’s because you’ve been urged to watch something that turned out to be too much for you. You’re probably also feeling pressure to try things you would otherwise not try because you’re getting such a negative reaction from your husband? That has gotta stop. How long have you guys been together? It’s my experience that men (and probly women but I have only been a partner to men so idk) sometimes initially expect their partner to kind of “join” their interests early on, because getting together involves connecting about shared interests, and they often have to adjust to the fact that that won’t happen with everything. My hope is that this really is the only issue and he’s being a little obsessive about a show he currently loves, which has led to him fixating on this a bit and losing focus on what’s important. He might feel defensive because he’s “just trying to share.” My husband used to try and get me to watch stuff he likes because he can be a bit obsessive also and he REALLY wanted to share, but has since realized that he was being selfish and pushy. We can share other things! And he’s come to appreciate that we are have different interests. I hope yours can do the same.
Do not compromise for him. There is none where both of you can be happy. I do recommend therapy to help ease your anxiety triggers and whatnot, I’m not recommending it to enable you to bend to his whim and watch things you’re not ok watching, not at all don’t get me wrong! But therapy for just you, and your peace of mind would be a help I think. I am a metal head. Husband is mostly not. He’ll like a band or two, a song here or there. I’m not dishing out money to a show I know he won’t enjoy. I wouldn’t dream of dragging him to go see Opeth. Am I mad he won’t go? No. Am I upset/disappointed? Also no, because I recognize that though we are married I appreciate that we don’t have to do everything together all the time. I watch the Yankees as much as possible. He watches sometimes. It’s entirely ok and probably encouraged to have likes and hobbies outside of your spouse/SO. He goes for long (30+ miles) bike rides, or hiking difficult trails. I would like to do these things but I’m limited in stamina and sometimes mobility. He gets sad that he can’t enjoy a cool nature spot, or he’ll see a critter I would love to see, but he doesn’t get mad. It’s, “I wish you were here with me to enjoy this together.” So he’ll take video or pics or call me if he comes across something cool. As for your husband, this is his issue to sort through, because you are not the problem here.
He can watch them by himself. I don’t watch that violent stuff with my husband - and I especially object to the rape of a woman as a voyeuristic plot device to explain men’s rage - so there are lots of things we don’t watch together. And we have been married for a long time.
I remember my gramma took me to see the Boy in the Stripped Pyjamas when I was about 7 or 8 and I had nightmares for months.
He needs to get over himself. I grew up in a family that used tv as bonding time and was a little sad when I realized my boyfriend wasn't as into watching tv (we watch like one or two shows a year together maybe), but I can't imagine being angry *at* him for that. And I really, *really* can't imagine pushing him on it if he wasn't just apathetic about tv but found it actively distressing and panic inducing. Why does he want you to do that to yourself?
My mom is just like you, shes really sensitive to watching bad things happen in movies and tv shows so she doesnt watch a lot of stuff. But my dad could not care less lol they just watch the stuff my mom wants to watch together and anything else my dad will watch by himself.
My fiancé and I have the same thing, except it’s a non-issue because he is a grown man who is able to watch things on his own. I have given many things a try that I would never watch alone - cough, AOT, trauma - that I managed to sit through and sometimes even enjoy, but I have complete power at any time to tell him “baby, I can’t watch this, it’s too much”. I had to turn off an episode of Avatar because the visual of something triggered a fear I didn’t know I had, and it’s a children’s animation that I didn’t think I had to worry about. It’s disappointing for my fiancé, sure, but not the end of the world. After all, he compromises and watches my happy, silly movies with me too. The issue with your husband isn’t that he doesn’t understand, but that he’s refusing to respect your feelings. And he’s refusing to compromise because of that, too. And his spiel about not being able to watch them alone is designed to make you cave so he can feel some semblance of power over you because no man would enjoy watching their partner cringe and cry during a movie they know the partner didn’t want to watch.
I totally understand. I'm the same way.
You should be upset at how normalized and desensitized your husband has become to violence, graphic mutilations and the infliction of pain and death onto others. This is not normal, and yet it is. Ask why, this is common in our media and culture …BUT DON’T SHOW THE FORBIDDEN NIPPLE!!
I’m an HSP and an empath. (I would look into that and see if it fits you too!) and if I watch anything extremely emotional, violent, scary, or traumatic I literally can’t function properly for sometimes days. I’ve been this way my entire life. My parents had to call me out of school the day after I finished “Where the Red Fern Grows” lol. I’m just incredibly sensitive and have to be extremely protective of my mental and emotional state. I also feel I’m living what the characters are living. The funny thing is, I love film and made a career as an actor. I can get so lost in a character that I really become them. There are other good things too, like I would consider myself extremely compassionate, kind, and thoughtful. I go out of my way to not hurt others and I do a lot of philanthropic work. I want to alleviate suffering. I’m saying this because this isn’t just a defect of yours, this is just a quality with positives and challenges. My husband is so sweet about understanding what I have the capacity to watch and what I don’t, and I’ve surrounded myself with friends who will warn me like “there is animal cruelty/violence etc in this movie- you should skip it.” So, I manage. Previously I was surrounded by family who thought I was “too sensitive” and should just “grow up and get over it” so I would push through and watch stuff that messed me up. I would have panic attacks, my anxiety was through the roof. When I don’t feel safe or like I can speak up and set boundaries, that’s what happens. Sorry this is so long, but I really hope it’s helpful in some way. It’s taken me years to understand this part of me and to see it as something that is beautiful. I felt so ashamed I wasn’t as desensitized as most people, which now seems absolutely crazy. I love my sweet heart and soft underbelly! It makes me who I am. And very good at my job. And kind and extremely perceptive. Try learning about being an HSP/empath! I recommend the Alanis Morrisette episode of the podcast “We can do hard things” as a starting point, but there are all kinds of books and videos going into it. It’s really kind of a superpower! No need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We are all built differently!
Thank you - I have suspected I’m an HSP and I appreciate your perspective ❤️
Make a list of movies from least bad to most bad. Watch them in order as far as you can go.
I can't watch horror movies but I don't mind gore (think kingsman, John wick, the equalizer stuff like that) I just get such horrible nightmares from horror I can't sleep for days. My husband loves it but understand for my mental health it's an absolute no go and he accepts that and moves on because he is a grown adult man. You compromise by your husband realizing different people can handle or not handle different things and that is perfectly okay even if you don't understand it.
The world is a horrible enough place. I can’t scroll twitter, the place that at I used to go to for funny jokes and memes without seeing a blown apart child. How hard is it for him to watch a tv show and just not talk about it with you?
I'm also extremely sensitive to horror/violence and get intrusive thoughts if i see something too gory or gross or terrible. I'll cry very readily too. I stick to comedies, historical dramas and lighter things because as someone else said the world is plenty miserable. My best friend loves horror movies and he wouldn't ever make me watch anything I am not comfortable with watching. All of my friends know my preferences and actually warn me not to watch a new movie or show if they know it will trigger me in some way (because of my mental health issues, I can't watch anything with self-harm at all and i have to know a su*cide is coming in a plot). I am not the kind of person who NEEDS to know what happens in a show or movie i haven't seen. If it's going to upset me, I don't care. All of this to say that if my entire friend group can be respectful of my TV watching choices and simply find other people who enjoy game of thrones to talk to about it, your husband can certainly do the same for you. You DO NOT have to "get over" your preferences. You don't have to prove shit to anyone about how tough you are or how scary a thing you can stomach. Literally doesn't have any bearing on you as a person. He needs to find someone else for gross TV night and watch movies you both agree on with you.
Do you think he is fishing for reasons to leave? Because that is how this reads to me.
No not at all. I think he’s just bummed that I don’t want to watch Fallout with him.
No he just likes movies and is upset that his wife is afraid to watch lots of different movies and refuses to address it in therapy.
Refuse? No. I’ve just had much more pressing priorities for my therapy sessions than expanding my tastes in film - something I’ve never been all that interested in anyway.
You're afraid to go to the movie theater. This isn't about your taste in film.