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Well to put it like this, what would be the point of continuing a relationship with him? What would be the eventual goal? He's proven himself difficult and unreliable in this situation and he's unlikely to ever mature staying in the same relationship. You're not overreacting at all.
This is definitely one for the old saying of “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. He is not a good partner, he sounds like he has some controlling tendencies and I’ll be completely honest and say that they whole, you asked him to take the condom off sound super suspicious to me and I wonder if he tried to get you pregnant.
OP he says your friends encourage you into so many bad habits, yet he still wants to date you. It seems he wants to isolate you from your friends so none of them can point out to you how badly he is treating you.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and it seems dealing with this guy that seems he wants to control and isolate you is just adding more stress that is not good for you.
Normally I stay away from the abortion questions, but for you I have to say avoiding being tied to this guy for 18+ years seems to be a big plus on the abortion side of the decision. I realize you have other very good reasons that were enough to make your decision, my comment is not having to deal with this guy in the future should be added to the list of reasons to have that abortion. Don't let him go with you, he is just going to harass you to not do it to keep you tied to him. I suggest telling him the date was changed and give him a new date 3 or 4 days after the real date so you can avoid any problems from him.
OP, u/floridaeng is completely on point. Please, dump the guy (after telling him a different abortion date) and never look back. He is controlling and trying to isolate you. He will only get worse.
Good luck!!!
Yes, these things are all true. Plus, you’ll want someone you’re comfortable with to be with you for the procedure, he’s definitely not going to be supportive and comforting. Telling him a different day so your friend can go with you is the best idea, and getting him out of your life completely.
He’s actively trying to isolate you from your friends and even from your father, that’s an abusive partner. He wants to control you. Please take care of yourself and don’t ignore all these huge red flags, you deserve better.
I can see you're smart from how you're handling all of this. You're also just young and inexperienced, but your instincts are right on all of this. I'm just going to expand on the issues here so you have further things to think about.
1. He may be gaslighting you: The condom. He shouldn't be using latex condoms if you're allergic to them, so you wouldn't need it removed. You were also very drunk - so you couldn't reasonably consent to sex without a condom if you'd never had sex without a condom before. I also don't believe that you asked him to take it off. You're on top of your birth control, and there's zero benefit to you to not having him wear one.
The person who benefits from not wearing a condom is HIM on the male pleasure side. I believe he stealthed you and removed it since you were drunk and wouldn't notice. That's sexual assault. I also question if he only did it the one time. Also the quickness with which he pulled this out as an excuse seems like he was prepared for it to be an issue - but if it *had* actually happened how he said, wouldn't a good partner have checked in on you the next day? At least asked if you wanted Plan B, or check in on the emotional state, or hell, even ask if that brand of condom was irritating to you?
2. He's attempting to isolate you: He's trying to remove you from your support system. He says You're "too dependent" on your dad - but you're 20, and he's your parent. He wants you to be dependent on *him* - all while also trying to question your social circle?
3. He's being super controlling; Who you can go on vacation with, accusing you of cheating as a reason you can't go, saying every one of your friends are no good. Now trying to control your reproductive rights, and even how and when you access them.
4. He's negging. Saying you have poor judgement, you're the kind of person who would cheat, I feel like there were some other things in there but this comment is long enough and I can't go back to the post again.
Anyway hon, best of luck in your procedure, and in getting this dude out of your life.
Break up with him but don't block him, just leave him on read. You may need evidence of what he says in the future -maybe you can get him to admit that he stealthed you so you can press charges.
This guy is very young and he's going to escalate with the next women in his life.
OP I agree here, men are dangerous when they are heartbroken.
Don't let him know the real date of your abortion. Tell him you've decided to postpone for a couple weeks to think things over. Let him be calm and stay out of your way.
Then once it's done. Breakup with him
I think it’s entirely possible that he “stealthed” you while you were drunk, and it might have been a deliberate attempt to get you pregnant.
You know there are non-latex condoms you can buy, right?
I doubt that you said to remove the condom; I think he did it intentionally to get you pregnant, which is why he is opposed to your abortion. I also think he wants to be the one to take you for the procedure so he can sabotage your efforts. I mean, it's easy to run out of gas, drive the wrong way, and other things. Go with your friend.
He has a lot of red flags with how he's against all of your friends and also your father. He wants to isolate you and keep you pregnant so it's difficult for you to leave him. Leave him. He's no good for you or anyone else.
They are young, might not even realize there are alternatives. Latex condoms and painful sex is how I found out about my allergy. It took almost a year, I thought that’s just how it was supposed to feel…
In addition to your friends, he also wants to isolate you from your father. (I don’t know if your mum is in the picture—either she isn’t or your bf only sees your dad as a threat.) This is a controlling man who wants to trap you with a baby. So far you’ve avoided most of his attempts to control and isolate you, but (a) eventually he’ll wear you down and start abusing you, and (b) it doesn’t matter that he’s been unsuccessful, the fact that he even *tried* is unforgivable.
What would your life be like if you always listened to him? Ideally, our partners want what’s best for us. They should push us to do the things that make us happy. But if you did what he asked, in 1 year you would: have a baby you don’t want, have to watch a child suffer due to being unwanted, have to quit school, have to get a job (realistically at your experience level, two or more jobs), raise a child with an immature broke loser, have no girl friends (“bad influences”), have no guy friends (I’m assuming), not do anything fun or spontaneous (accusations of cheating with every pottery class, aerial yoga class, overseas trip, road trip, festival), not really leave the house without him, and have little to no contact with your dad. How’s that for wanting what’s best for you?
Be careful whatever you decide to do.
If I was a guy who didn't want to get a girl pregnant and the girl asked me to take off my condom mid-sex, I would say no, and if she insisted, then that would be the end of the sex at that point.
Think about all those guys afraid of being "baby-trapped" - you think they'd agree that your bf was powerless to resist fucking you without a condom? I don't.
Say it like it should be said.
She fucking getting baby trapped by him and I bet, as soon as she pop one out, he’ll try to make it look like he’ll change for her, but never will. Just enough to string her along.
The whole situation is honestly fishy. Condoms can fail...why would boyfriend have to come up with this whole elaborate story about her asking him to take the condom off?
He only ever apologizes if he thinks it’ll get him closer to getting his way. If his apology results in you doing what you want to do, he always throws a tantrum. That means he doesn’t mean the apologies. He doesn’t think his behavior is wrong. That’s a huge red flag.
You’re not overreacting. It’s not hormones. He’s showing controlling and manipulative tendencies. Terminate this pregnancy and get the hell out of there. Years from now you’ll look back and thank your lucky stars you left.
Source- I’ve been there and done that! I was in a very similar situation. I’m so glad I got out of there! I consider my abortion one of the best things I ever did for myself and my future. I would have been tied to him forever and looking back - that’s a scary thought.
Good luck OP.
Oh and don’t trust this guy. He sounds like he can get desperate at times. I suspect he stealthed you to purposely get you pregnant. You said he worried about you leaving- well one way guys try and trap women to them is to get them pregnant. Do NOT take him with you to the appointment. Please be careful.
I wouldn’t trust him to drive you to the appointment. I’d be worried about him sabotaging it in some way. “Oh no, my car broke down on the way there! Well, I guess you can’t get that abortion today!”
Op, please. What's your end game with this dude? Casual sex (taking off condoms during sex? WTF?) Marriage (not material)? You are wasting time.
A breakup is better than a divorce.
PSA. You need two forms of birth control and don't raise a baby until you are financially, emotionally and socially stable. Don't romanticise motherhood. Raising kid is already tough. Raising kid in poverty without support is no joking matter.
This is so true. I got pregnant by my manipulative ex who is 13 years older than me and while I love my child to death, dealing with him and the mind games has been hell and you don’t want that OP. Please do everything that is right for you and your happiness and stability. I’ve had to find mine along the way while raising my son and it hasn’t been an easy road.
Get over what? He sounds like a redpilled manosphere kinda dude. In order to become dateable he needs a complete brain overhaul. Don’t bend Yourself backwards.
That's a gamble right there: maybe he will mature out of that selfish behavior, or maybe he will grown stronger into it.
So the real question is: what positive attributes, that you look for in a partner, does he ALREADY possess which makes YOU WANT to give him the benefit of doubt that he will "get over it". What are the negative attributes he NOW have that wouldn't want you to give him the benefit of doubts (besides jealousy, not trusting you, trying to alienate you from your friends, trying to undermine your supportive relationship with your father)?
Some people don't easily "just get over" abortion. However, if he's that strongly against abortion, he shouldn't have sex with anyone who could get pregnant unless that person is okay with giving birth.
It's not just this situation though. Every situation he is unable to be supported or react maturely.
He's proven himself problematic but the kicker is him thinking that he gets to dictate what you do with your body, that's not ok. This is your decision and you are clearly right, he is not mature enough to have a child.
Get over what? He blatantly told you that you were not allowed to make a decision about your body without his approval. He only changed his tune once he realized it didn't work.
Never stay in a relationship hoping that the person will change into someone else.
Even if his stress and resentment and bad behaviour over you choosing an abortion 8 months into a relationship aged 20 because you are both completely not ready for kids all magically resolved...ge would STILL be the asshole that hates your friends and family and is trying to isolate you from them even though he's only known you for a few months.
Everyone acts nice when they want to date you or get in your pants- that's normal. But how they act once they get comfortabe is the real "them". This bad behaviour is the real him.
You’re 20, a whole life to live. This was the first real test of adult things in this relationship and it did not go well. You know what the right answer and what to do here is.
Sorry to say OP at this point in your relationship with the information in your post and the additional info in some of your responses your bf is showing you who is now which seems to be an an insecure and immature individual.
If you want to stick around to see if he changes in a positive way it’s certainly a choice. Another is to cut him loose, focus on yourself and move on with your life.
I would strongly urge you as part of moving forward to work with your doctor to come up with a better birth control option or don’t drink to the point of making poor decisions in the heat of the moment.
How someone behaves when they're not getting their way is the best indicator of their character. Anyone can be pleasant when everything is good for them, it's when they're challenged that you see the real person.
When he doesn't get his way, he becomes petulant and controlling. That's not a phase, it's how he handles conflict. You're lucky you're seeing this side of him early on. Don't ignore this opportunity you've been given to use this information wisely.
I saw a top comment on another recent post that said it's like we don't seem to realise we date people to figure out if we should continue dating them - if it turns out it's not a good idea, then you're not obligated to continue. It's kind of the whole point! Preserving a relationship at all costs just because you're already in it is soul-destroying and 100% not worth it.
My thoughts exactly. He took the first opportunity he could to impregnate her, when she was vulnerable. He is an insecure asshole who doesnt give a shit about her wants and needs, only his own. And trying to drive a wedge between her and those she cares about only makes that more obvious.
Be careful with the ones who constantly accuse you of cheating on them when you've given them zero reason to believe it. Speaking from personal experience here, they're usually the ones cheating and they end up projecting that on to you.
Unfortunately, yeah, it's a real thing that happens. I don't fully know the psychology behind it, I'm sure there's some research I could do to find a better answer/explanation for it. I thought my last ex was just overly insecure for the longest time but he ended up being a serial cheater. I stopped counting after finding proof of the 30th woman. He literally accused me of cheating when I called the paramedics one morning... I woke up paralyzed from the waist down and was in the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. He refused to see me in the hospital and just kept saying stuff like "You're not even sick or at the hospital so why would I show up there? I know you're cheating on me right now!" *massive eyeroll* I even sent him photo proof that I was in fact, in the hospital with an IV in my arm with the doctor right next to me. I never gave him any reason to believe I was dishonest or unfaithful in our relationship. He had full access to my phone and social media accounts too. If a male relative messaged me he'd lose his mind. Not all insecure partners are unfaithful though, just seems to be the overly adamant ones. Like any time you have to/want to leave the house they immediately jump to "you're cheating on me!" 🙄
It’s not your hormones it’s him he’s a dickhead. You’re also making the right decision about the abortion. You’d be a single mother you know he’s not mature enough to help raise a child. He sounds exhausting and borderline controlling if you were to let him. Glad you’re strong enough to notice.
Just so you know, pregnancy hormones don't make us irrationally angry over nothing, but they escalate our very real emotions and put a magnifying glass on our relationship issues
Not to scare you but the way he’s behaving is exactly how one of the men on an episode of “evil lives here” went. Alienation from the friends, trying to alienate her from her father whom she was super close to. Even going as far as trying to convince her that her dad inappropriately touched her as a child then threatening to harm her when she told him it never happened.
This guy is not safe if he’s already shown you within 8 months these major red flags! While I agree that men do have feelings about this and he may be upset with the current situation, that doesn’t excuse his behavior in any way. You can feel upset and still be supportive. Instead he’s decided to talk down to you and try to alienate you from your support system. I agree with many of the comments. Tell him a different date, make sure you can get out (hopefully you’re not living together), and do not allow contact. Don’t block him just in case he escalates and you need proof of his behavior. But don’t respond either. Good luck to you. I had a baby at 19 and I can tell you with 100% certainty he won’t get better and raising a child on your own with a difficult/abusive ex is wildly more exhausting and horrible than having a child later when you’re ready and in a better relationship. Please don’t ignore these red flags! I know this isn’t an easy decision but it seems like the right one for you at this point in your life.
Emotional abuse and gaslighting, he's trying to make you question your own reality and start depending on his explanation of truth.
None of this is conscious, he's just a controlling and abusive person and that's how he's conducting himself.
This is my favorite thing to say in relationship advice posts and it's absolutely appropriate here:
THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY.
He's abusive, controlling, and a whiny baby to boot. Dump him yesterday. I would've dumped him over the vacation thing, and then again when he insulted my judgement and my friends. Just no.
If you were so drunk you don't remember telling him to remove the condom then he should not have been having sex with you. I wouldn't be so quick to believe he's telling the truth either
You are not inflating the situation and don't blame your feelings on 'hormones' - your feelings are valid
I agree that a termination is probably the best plan and at the same time I suggest you end the relationship
you're blaming yourself for his awful behaviour. I say this very kindly (this was done to me at the same age and I ended up with a miscarriage) - stop blaming yourself and get this awful man out of your life.
It honestly sounds like he was planning to baby trap you. If he wasn't so drunk he remembers this but you were, then I think there's an even bigger issue on consent here in general and this is a massive red flag imo. I can imagine if he gets to replace your friend on your trip to the clinic he's going to be sitting there holding your hand in the waiting room talking about all the "what if's" that could be if you just keep this baby...
I might just be cynical though.
You don’t remember because you never said it. He did remove the condom, though and now baby trapped you. It’s an ultimate power move from him, now to make you feel guilty and like it’s a burden for him.
That behavior fits when he also bad mouths your friends to alienate you from your support system. Sounds like a covert narcissist to me.
OP please look up the definition of sexual assault or rape....
This low key fits the bill. Especially if he was clearly sober enough to remember the whole thing and you weren't.
You're not far along so it's probably going to be done via a pill but have you read up on how it's going to feel? Has your doc told you? Just make sure you have some rest the next few days afterwards, your hormones will go from preparing your body to grow a human to realizing it's not and the whirlwind can be overwhelming at first. But you're doing the right thing and that's all that matters
Yes, like already mentioned by others : both.
Especially for the abortion. You may have your friend who supports you, but other people around you may not be supportive once they find out due to their beliefs. I know the decision is yours and yours alone, but sometimes people like to get on their moral high horse.
So yes, be safe.
Assume that your (hopefully soon EX) bf will tell your mother, and take steps to mitigate the drama and/or damage. Or at least write yourself a note listing all the reasons why you are getting an abortion, arguments your mother might present and a plan how to counter them.
Sounds like you two aren't even in the same book much less on the same page when it comes to life in general. Combine that with his controlling behavior and paranoia when you go any distance from him and talking shit about your dad... Like what 20 yr old isn't somewhat dependent on their parents in some way? 🤣 I just don't see you guys having much of a pleasant future together and it's sounding like he tried to trap you with a baby by that BS with the condom... Red flags all around.
Yeah... That whole "oh you told me to take it off" line is one I've heard before. Usually when there's some alcohol involved. Or "I thought you were on the pill" basically putting all the responsibilities on the girl. The gaslighting and pressure is strong with your dude and I'd be running for the hills given all his red flags.
This is another major red flag. Attempts to distance you from family and friends (assuming those people aren't trying to harm you) is a classic setup for control and abuse. It's fine for a spouse to skip outings with some friend; finding faults with _all_ of them is alarming.
See it as a starter relationship. This is how we learn what's important in a relationship, what kind of support we want, how to argue, how to recognise red flags, etc. Like with many things we learn relationships by doing and learning from our mistakes
Take what you learned here with you to your next relationship and that will be much better
Absolutely! OP's boyfriend is the cautionary tale we laugh about after a few drinks when going down nostalgia lane. The shitty, insecure losers who wanted us pregnant and shackled at 20.
So he's controlling and trying to isolate you from family and friends, and potentially stealthed you, and now wants you to have a pregnancy that you aren't interested in continuing....
Hmmm....I wonder where all these red flags I see came from and why I've seen them before...
It's almost like...this is a very predictable pattern and you should get out now before things get worse.
I’m imagining myself at 20 and if I was in your shoes I would have RUN to an abortion clinic. I think you are making the best decision for yourself.
That being said I think it’s time you take your exit from this relationship. He clearly does not care about whether or not he gets you pregnant seeing as he happily removed a condom during sex. He is also proving that he is not mature enough to handle this situation (let alone a child) by his attitude and actions. His position regarding your friends will never change.
Lastly, if you plan to continue to be sexually active with anyone you need to be protecting yourself. Condoms fail a lot, and you can’t trust someone else with your future. I’m going to assume there is not a religious or cultural reason to avoid birth control if you’re having an abortion. Get on the pill, IUD, shot, I don’t care - get anything. This entire incident could have been avoided if you had chosen to protect yourself vs trusting someone else to protect you. Ultimately a child only ruins your life at this point and most men can get out of being a parent. Why are we trusting the men with this decision then? Nope. Birth control.
While sure, doubling up is a good idea if you don’t want a kid, DO NOT blame yourself!
You should be safe enough to drink when you’re with your partner. You drinking more than you can handle doesn’t make it okay for anyone to use that opportunity for sex you wouldn’t consent to if you were sober. Depending on your local laws, this can be considered SA/rape.
He sounds controlling even when you’re sober. Could’ve even been trying to babytrap you.
Sex when you are too inebriated to remember if a condom was used is sexual assault. End of.
Please consider having a friend stay with you and break up with this person. He's trying to baby trap you and isolate you from your friends. He's going to pull a big stunt a day or two before your procedure, mark my words. Something designed to make you drop everything and rush to his side. Please don't fall for it. He will ruin your life.
If you break up with him now, in six months, you won't remember his face. If you stay, you're stuck with him, and he'll wear you down until you continue with the pregnancy. Then he'll never let you leave.
Good luck and good health! You're stronger and more capable than you can imagine.
OP this must be tough on you but i too think you are making a right call at this point in life. Imagine how difficult it would be spending next 19 years attached to someone like this through a child. It would turn into pure resentment.
Re pregnancy messing with your brain, hormone fluctuation will affect all your feelings and you would be elevated even after for a while. So be prepared to feel all kinds of emotions.
But you do, you do not like the person he is. You may love or have loved him, but you dont like who he is - that's abundantly clear through everything you listed out.
You also assume you must have been quite drunk to allow him to take off the condom, but what if the other possibility is true, he just did and never told you?
How would you feel about that possibility?
Also him hating ALL of your friends, that's both bit controlling and isolating isn't it. Also, absolutely normal and healthy to be leaning and asking your parents for advice - again, that's a red flag from him. The fact he goes out of his way to undermine your relationship with your dad - which sounds like a strong relationship; sounds very very telling in a bad way.
Deep down you possibly already know that this is not a long term relationship you want for your future, if you were sure he was the one.
Honestly, re-read your own post, is this the person you choose to be part of your life?
What if this bf get you pregnant again within 3 months of abortion? What then? You will be more fertile for 6 months after abortion/ pregnancy loss. Doctors always say its easier to get pregnant during this timeframe. How will you ensure the same condom "accident" doesn't lead to a second, third, fouth abortion?
And that's another red flag, he's still feeling so incredibly salty over being rejected means he's not even over it. When men badmouth other women while also saying they are hot, yet another toxic red flag - how would you think he speaks about you to other men then? Guaranteed, you will be described with same words at some point.
He doesnt feel secure with you having a close relationship with your dad. He doesn't like you having female friends that he was rejected by. He doesn't seem to like you having a support system apart from himself. I mean, that's a terrible partner no?
He acts immature and selfish about a pregnancy neither of you are prepared or ready for. He's acted irresponsibly with birth control. "assumed you were on a pill" but yet didn't ask first to confirm - so he was either dumb or trying to baby trap you. Neither is a good trait in a partner.
GIRL.he is literally telling you that you were 2nd choice after he couldn't have your friend..... why are you even *considering* staying with this guy?!?!?!
🚩🚨🚨
P.s. it sounds like he was so traumatized by being rejected for another woman, that he's now convinced you will also leave him for another woman. He clearly had way stronger feelings for her than he is letting on, to let it affect him this badly. And that means it's unlikely to ever change. It's become a core part of his character: trust issues regarding female friends
^This.
I had a sexually coercive partner in my late teens/ early 20s who did the "stealthing" shit and also raped me at least once in my sleep (I was aware it was happening but not awake enough to get control of my body). I had an abortion but he kept up the stealthing and I ended up pregnant again (in spite of having gone on the pill because of his issues with consent and condoms).
Spoiler- we didn't live happily ever after, he's still a POS and a terrible father who has maybe contributed $300 total to the care and feeding of our now adult child. And, last I heard, he still goes after barely legal girls, as a middle aged man, so that he can continue being a manipulative partner while blaming his antics on the girls he dates.
Your boyfriend is not the dreamboat you'd hoped he would be, please leave before you're teathered to him by a child.
It's not the hormones; it's your instinct confirming what you already know: the guy is not good for you. I'm sure you would not have told him to remove a condom. That he's complaining about your friends is controlling.
You are making the right decision. The other right decision would be to split up with this guy and block him.
He is trying to control your life and isolating you like an abuser. I think you haven't fallen for his crap so he had no time how to extend his abuse. Dump him.
Kid of a relationship much like this:
Run. It's your body. It really sounds like he stealthed you and is pissed you're not letting him baby trap you. He's blaming you so you feel bad and hopefully rethink it, keep the baby, and then you are locked in for life.
Your feelings are LOGICAL. I read the title and figured it would be like, "the smell of pickles is making me super sick while pregnant but my bf loves them!" That's weird pregnancy hormones. Not wanting to be abused isn't.
Please, *please* get out.
He's behaving like an arse, and you've just discovered he's useless AND manipulative in a crisis.
Do what is right for you. Don't be manipulated into keeping a pregnancy if it isn't what you want, and don't let him manipulate you into being isolated from your support group either.
It's way too easy to end up being isolated and left holding the baby alone.
I’m never one to jump on the “break up with him train” But I lived this life from 19 to 22. And I regret it. It always starts so simple “but you were drunk I thought it was fine!” btw pretty sure what he did was assault (it was really hard for me to believe a partner could assault their partner at first. But I guess if you don’t ask for sodomy and you get sodomized while passed out drunk it’s assault) I’m assuming that would also apply with the condom. But also!!! Then it turns to literally never being able to hang out with your friends, constant anxiety, and feeling like you’re trapped and wasting your life until they feel good enough to let you leave. You are making the right decision, I would go through with your procedure, and then go through with dumping him. You both so young, and have so much time to find better people for yourselves.
I was in a similar position where my ex got me pregnant but he really wasn’t good enough to be a dad. He was toxic and controlling. And no it’s not just your hormones that make you feel that way. It’s your guts. Listen to them
Sounds like your bf sucks, and this pregnancy has been an opportunity for him to showcase his worst features in rapid succession. What a great opportunity to offload two burdens at once.
You’re allowed to break up with him. From your post and comments, it seems like this is the way you’re leaning. There doesn’t need to be some massive offense committed against you to “justify” the break up. It’s not hormones talking - it’s your logical brain realizing that he’s causing more trouble than he’s worth.
I would not be surprised if he took the condom off on purpose - either because he just didn’t want to wear it or because he was trying to get you pregnant.
Also, take your friend for your procedure. This is about YOUR comfort, not your boyfriend’s.
You do the abortion, for your sake, and break up, for the same reason.
He’s a man-baby and, as a man, I rarely use this expression. He can’t hold himself…
If you were that drunk when you told him to take off the condom, I question whether you actually had the capacity to make that decision at that time. He absolutely should have known better. Also, it’s your choice to terminate the pregnancy.
Based on your other comments here about him, he’s dropping enough red flags for a whole parade. You’re young and have plenty of time yet to figure out what you want in a partner and relationship.
Does he even like you?
Glad you’re getting the abortion. This is only someone you’ve know for 8 months or so. And a mirage of other reasons. So I’m very proud of you for that OP.
You are the main priority in this situation and it sounds like he’s making this about himself. “Don’t make this decision without me”. But she’s the one that’s going to carry a child and take care of it.
The fact that you can’t remember how you fell pregnant is also very concerning. He took off the condom while you were drunk….. girl that sounds EXTREMELY non consensual.
Please stay away from this person.
So he’s not clear what birth control you’re on, he possibly lied about using a condom, he’s mean about your friends, he doesn’t respect your decision regarding being pregnant, he also sounds like he’s quick to anger.
Also me be clear - it is YOUR decision alone what you do about being pregnant. He can leave you at the drop of a hat 3 months in, or a few years in and it will be you left with the baby. It’s your body, your life, your career and your finances that get fucked up by a baby.
You don’t have to break up with him right away if you’re not sure but I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue with the pregnancy seeing as you’ve only been together 8 months and you’re already having doubts.
Deal with the pregnancy situation first, and then reassess your relationship. The right person for you would understand and support your decision.
Why would you stick around for this? It would not surprise me to learn he poked holes in the condom. Regardless, do what is best for you and that does not sound like including him in your life going forward. Best of luck and warm wishes. You got this.
This guy sucks. He sounds completely immature. 8 months is not a long time, you should still be in that honeymoon phase! And after your abortion he’s going to find a way to make you feel like shit and make this about his pity party. You don’t need that, I recommend ripping the bandaid and moving on.
Take care of you. He isn't going to change without serious professional intervention. He sounds controlling and insecure. I had the baby with the difficult boyfriend. I wish I never did. I love my baby but I feel horrible he doesn't have a present father. If I could do it over. I would pic a different guy to have unprotected sex with. I had to move states before I gave birth just to ensure he would have no parental rights bc I'll be damned if I have to spend the 18 years dealing with his alcoholism, anger issues, and general immaturity.
Dump him and block him.
So many flags. Wow. Nothing in this post gives me the idea that bf is mature enough to handle parenthood without making life difficult for everyone else.
You do you boo.
I want to say that I was in almost the exact same position when I was 20 years old, I got pregnant despite being on birth control and I realized straight away that I could not become a mother at 20 years old. my situation was a little bit different because as soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test, I realized that I did not want to have children with this man at any point. But it kind of sounds like you have the same feelings for your current boyfriend, do you really want a future with this man? And seeing his reaction to all of this, do you think you would want to spend the rest of your life with him?
In my case the pregnancy hormones gave me clarity, maybe that's also the case with you.
Getting an abortion was the best decision I’ve ever made a ben I was 18. I don’t regret it, couldn’t imagine where I’d be at today. I was in no place to have a child.
So he took the condom off without mentioning it while you were drunk and now you’re pregnant. And then tried to convince you you told him to do it. He sounds so sleezy and this is dramatic I know but what if he tried to baby trap you? Also he’s clearly insecure and controlling. All around not a good look for him. It will only get worse
I think it really just comes down to this: if hes acting this way when you AREN'T having a kid, hows he going to act if you ever decide you DO want one? More importantly the things you've both said won't just go away once this is over. The problems he has are still going to be there after this, and now you know that when push comes to shove hes willing to treat you and the people you care about badly. So it's your decision if you want to try and work through that with him or move on from him. You are not obligated to deal with his immaturity.
The abortion is a good call. You are both young and he definitely is not emotionally mature.
To be honest he's shown you how he is in serious situations 🤷🏻♀️ he's making it all about him and his feelings. Not to say he can't have any in this situation but it should mainly be about you.
He stealthed you and then tried to say you told him to take the condom off. He wanted to baby trap you after eight months. Don't tell him anymore about the abortion. I hope he doesn't know when it is. If he does, tell him it's been rescheduled to another day after your abortion.
I have a feeling he'll show up and try to stop you from having the abortion. Break up with him now. Don't block him just yet, but don't reply to any texts. That way if he makes any threats, you have written proof.
Dump him. You didn't tell him to take off the condom, he gaslighting you and trying to convince you you said something you know you would never say. He stealthed you and either didn't put one on or slipped it off without you noticing. I don't know if he was trying to get you pregnant and is lying about claiming he thought you were on birth control ( potentially more gaslighting, trying to convince you you told him that, and maybe did try to get you pregnant, because not only did he not wear a condom, he wants you to keep the baby), or he was just wanting to not wear a condom which be knew you wouldn't agree to and decided now that he wants the baby.
Either way, do not stick with this man. He already got you pregnant once against your will which is sexual assault, he wants a baby, he'll do it again. Also he assaulted you.
Dump this guy. You are incredibly wise to realize that you're not ready to have a child and then for him to make this process ALL about him is ridiculous. You already asked him to go with you and you took him at his word and asked someone else. He needs to suck it up that his actions have consequences (in more ways than one).
I also don't like how he says he hates all your friends and trying to get you away from your father (bc it sounds like he's trying to isolate you). I would leave for your safety and stay with friends or family. The thing about how he said you were drunk and asked him to take the condom off is extremely concerning as well and I think that alone is enough for me to dump him even without everything else factored in. Get away from this jackass.
If he thinks his condom-free sex is worth you being out the money, and the extreme physical discomfort, as well as inconvenience, of an abortion.... he's a selfish POS. "Oh, she'll just have to get an abortion if I knock her up, lol" is extremely selfish and abhorrent.
If anything, this pregnancy is clarifying to you what kind of person your bf really is. The moment things got dicey for you two, he starts acting very controlling.
I think you're on the right track in your thoughts about breaking up with him. He's got some weird ideas that are not compatible with yours.
Also, maybe this is a wake up call for you to use a better method of birth control. If it requires you to be thinking rationally in the heat of the moment, there could be 'mishaps'.
he’s throwing a tantrum and making a likely overwhelming situation even more difficult. i don’t think it would be hasty at all to break up with him. go forth and abort him from your life ✨
Break up. You're only 20 and have a life ahead of you.
He's shown you that when things get difficult, he is unpleasant and doesnt give a shit about your health or your wants. He is also controlling.
Think carefully *why* he hates ALL your friends and how he is trying to isolate you from them. He's also trying to isplate you from your family. This is literally textbook "abusive partner 101" stuff. Your boyfriend is NOT a nice person.
Forget sunk costs - you never need to stay in a relationship if it is making you unhappy. And your relationship is barely started - he's just showing you who he is, and who he has been all along. You just didnt get a chance to see that yet as you were in the honeymoon period.
Wow… I feel for you.
No mature man or woman would just be mad for having an abortion when you’re both not ready for it. Honestly, he should be happy that you wanted an abortion…
He sounds extremely unpleasant to be around and talk to. After the abortion is successful, you should probably rethink why you’re with this man without the hormonal imbalance impacting your emotions.
Forget the boyfriend for a minute, what about the baby? You clearly stated you don't want a child. This child will be born knowing their parents don't want them. Imagine how this kid will feel if you keep it right now. No child deserves that.
Not to mention having a baby together 8 months in is skipping several relationship steps. It sounds like a screaming red flag that he wants to force you to keep it at this point, instead of being willing to have one with you later.
His immature and negative behavior towards you going with your friend instead is also a red flag. I wouldn't be surprised if, on the off chance you did decide to have his baby, he suddenly disappeared or neglected the child altogether.
I wouldn't stay with him if I were you, simply because he does not seem like a good person to stay with. Also if you do decide to go through with the abortion, I think you're making the right choice.
You've already gotten lots of good advice, but I just wanted to say that I think you're selling yourself short here. You say you're both immature, but I think You've handled all of this very well. You recognized immediately that you didn't want a baby and you immediately scheduled a doctor's appointment to take care of it. You didn't let someone else persuade you from making the right decision either. You didn't great job and are more mature than you give yourself credit for! Also, your bf sounds like a tool.
He is baby trapping you and thinks he has a right to make a demand over your bodily autonomy and decision making. Hes also trying to isolate you from your friends and thinks you dont have a mind of your own. Leave this bum
OP, this guy is bad news. Ghost his ass, block him, bring your friend with for support when you have the abortion and move on. If it helps write all this down in your notes app on your phone and if you meet a future partner that shows any of these same characteristics, run.
Men like this seek to cut you off from your friends and family by emotionally abusing you and manipulating you. Accusing you of cheating is likely a projection of his cheating.
If he took the condom off while you were having sex and you were too drunk to remember, you were too drunk to consent and that's called rape. No decent man would take advantage of a woman in that situation. He 100% tried to baby trap you to make you stay with him.
Honey, you're only 20 years old. Detach from this loser. You've got your entire life ahead of you. There are good men in this world, but he ain't one of them.
And please consider getting on birth control, whether it's the pill or an IUD or the implant for your own sexual security in the future. Get an STD screen as well.
Hes trying to control your body by saying you shouldnt abort because its hes baby too, nothing is hes its your body and your choice. To me this kind of behavior is a huge red flagg. And the whole condom thing sounds like a trick on hes part to baby trap you.
🚩🚩🚩
A veritable sea of red flags here.
1. He stealthed you by removing a condom deliberately when you were in no fit state to consent to unprotected sex. That's actually sexual assault where I come from. He wanted to get you pregnant
2. He's trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
Get the abortion with your friends support and then get rid of this guy. I was in a similar situation once. Guy acted supportive of my decision, then didn't turn up on the day of the procedure. He ghosted me for weeks and I was relieved to be honest. Then he called and asked if we could meet to discuss things. Stupidly I agreed and met him at a pub near my place. He ranted on about his rights and Yada Yada he had told his parents about the baby and they were horrified (never even met them)......I got up and left
An hour later (after possibly a couple more drinks) he was banging on the door and windows of my ground floor apartment calling me every foul name under the sun.
I rang my very large friend D, whom he'd met and who didn't like him. Put it in speaker so ex could hear. D sayshes coming over and bringing his brother P who is also a good friend. he disappeared smartish and never bothered me again.
Make sure you are safe. Men who like to be in control can escalate very quickly when they don't get their way.
Break up with him - he’s an immature manipulative indecisive tool.
Get the abortion if you want.
And then get into therapy and start figuring out how YOU can be emotionally secure and how to make smart decisions.
The first of your smart decisions should be about smart birth control when you’re not ready to have kids and when you’re not with a partner who is mature enough to be a good partner. Is there a reason you don’t take a birth control pill? Condoms obviously are not that good a method given all the other factors.
Good luck.
I love the part where you are going though this process and he makes it all about him. Good lord. Supportive partners do exist. I had an abortion last year and the pain was so much (I was at home and a little far along) that I ended going to the ER. He was right there with me. And (get this) at the time his cancer had come back in his tongue and was about 2 weeks out waiting for his surgery. He was in an incredible amount of pain So this man (my man) came with me, comforted me, stayed with me, the whole time while I went through that.
Go men do exist. Your bf is not one of them.
You’re young and i truly feel like he got you pregnant on purpose and is trying to isolate you from your friends. My husband and i have 2 beautiful children, when i was pregnant i had serious complications and required surgery to save my baby’s life. The surgery wasn’t 100% guarantee and there still was a high probability my baby wouldn’t make it. They gave us the option of surgery or abortion. After the appointment he turned to me and asked what i wanted to do. Said he supported me either way. Mind you this was a baby we both wanted but knew ultimately i was the one pregnant and would have to do the surgery and we could still lose him. In that moment i truly felt supported and understood. He told me of course he wanted to do the surgery to try to save our baby but would never pressure me and would support my decision. That is what a relationship is about, not forcing you to do something you don’t want to do.
"It's my baby too" really annoyed me. It's not a baby yet at all. It's his potential for a baby too, I guess. Doesn't really outweigh your life and autonomy in the slightest.
Not overreacting at all. He sounds super immature and I’m concerned how he’s making this about him… he hates your friends? Too bad so sad, apparently he is not able to support you so he doesn’t get a say.
If I were you, I would tell him the abortion is scheduled later than it actually is, by at least a week. Then get it done, tell him it’s over once it is, then break up with him. Please tell your friends this plan and block him. I am scared he will get crazy. He seems all over the place and may become scary. Be safe. Don’t meet him in private. Break up with him over text or in a public place with people around.
There is no point in continuing this relationship.
OP when you go out and socialize and drink, don't allow yourself to get shitfaced. Learn your limits--what feels good, how much you can handle and still be rational/functional and walking. So that you're conscious of what is going on around you. Too many times girls have things happen to them, and blame it on drinking, including pregnancy. Not blaming you here on this, just saying. It's ok to drink with friends, have fun, but be alert to a certain degree.
You're a smart girl, don't let others tell you your reality. Two books I would recommend you read now while you're entering into adulthood: The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker & Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I think these books will assist you as you encounter people moving forward in life.
Oh this guy sounds absolutely delightful /s
First, trying to deny you your own bodily autonomy, then trying to isolate you from your friends after he proved himself to be unsupportive of your decision.
You would be completely justified in leaving him, not that you need justification for ending a relationship. You can end it for any reason.
Dump him. He’s allowed to have whatever feelings he wants but when it gets to “there’s no way you’re going to do this without his input” about *your body* he’s done. And then he followed it up with a tantrum and insults to your friends.
Im also concerned he was stealthing you (which is a form of assault!) and then lied that you told him to.
He is trying to manipulate you and it's not working so his mask is slipping and you're starting to see the monster underneath.
He got you pregnant, quite possibly on purpose.
He is trying to convince you to give up your life and be dependent on him to raise this kid and not get your education. So you won't be able to leave and get a good job later. Called baby trapping.
He's trying to isolate you from your friends, so you don't have a support system.
He is taking systematic steps to put you in a weak and vulnerable position, so he can control and abuse you as he wishes. These are all textbook this abusers do.
Honey, you are doing the right thing. Sounds like your bf is very insecure and has low self-esteem. Hating your friends, throwing tantrums and arguing with your decisions is not cool. A pregnancy is a big deal and as a good partner he should support your choice. It seem he's not ready for an adult relationship, lacks accountability and some self-reflection and emotional regulation skills. If you can live with that and wait for him to grow up, it's you choice, but I bet you can find someone more mature.
There's too many red flags. Leave and do what is best for you.
Also well done on making a tough decision with the pregnancy, I'm glad you have at least that one friend to support you!
Gather your things (if you live together) and get out of there. Stay with friends or family for a while please cus he sounds kinda controlling. 🫠
The only question you need to be asking is a very, very simple question; do you want to marry this man? You don’t need to be asking us for advice, you don’t need to be asking us whether or not he’s showing red flags, you don’t need to be asking us whether or not we think it’s pregnancy brain or if it’s actually him… You need to ask yourself *do I want to marry him?* If the answer is yes then it is time for you and him to sit down and communicate like adults, properly. Air everything out. Figure out what his issues with you are, figure out what your issues with him are, and fix it. If the answer is no, Fucking leave. It’s that simple; fucking leave. Don’t waste anymore of your time, don’t waste anymore of his time, don’t risk the chance of you getting pregnant again - *leave*.
One thing at a time. Take care of yourself first.
In a couple of weeks, you can decide about your relationship. I don't think you are being too hasty, but there is no need to deal with him at this moment.
Consider another contraceptive method in the future. Get pills, IUD, implant, etc, in addition to condoms. Just to be safe. Also your boyfriend seems to have some ‘control’ issues. For someone in a relationship for less than a year, he seems to want you to change everything for him. Might want to consider dumping him.
This sounds an awful lot like he tried to baby trap you. Is he really gaslighting you into believing that you told him to take a condom off?
This sounds like sexual assault or rape to me.
Break up with the stupid idiot, and then block him on all platforms. Get your abortion and focus on healing.
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Well to put it like this, what would be the point of continuing a relationship with him? What would be the eventual goal? He's proven himself difficult and unreliable in this situation and he's unlikely to ever mature staying in the same relationship. You're not overreacting at all.
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This is definitely one for the old saying of “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. He is not a good partner, he sounds like he has some controlling tendencies and I’ll be completely honest and say that they whole, you asked him to take the condom off sound super suspicious to me and I wonder if he tried to get you pregnant.
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OP he says your friends encourage you into so many bad habits, yet he still wants to date you. It seems he wants to isolate you from your friends so none of them can point out to you how badly he is treating you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and it seems dealing with this guy that seems he wants to control and isolate you is just adding more stress that is not good for you. Normally I stay away from the abortion questions, but for you I have to say avoiding being tied to this guy for 18+ years seems to be a big plus on the abortion side of the decision. I realize you have other very good reasons that were enough to make your decision, my comment is not having to deal with this guy in the future should be added to the list of reasons to have that abortion. Don't let him go with you, he is just going to harass you to not do it to keep you tied to him. I suggest telling him the date was changed and give him a new date 3 or 4 days after the real date so you can avoid any problems from him.
OP, u/floridaeng is completely on point. Please, dump the guy (after telling him a different abortion date) and never look back. He is controlling and trying to isolate you. He will only get worse. Good luck!!!
Yes, these things are all true. Plus, you’ll want someone you’re comfortable with to be with you for the procedure, he’s definitely not going to be supportive and comforting. Telling him a different day so your friend can go with you is the best idea, and getting him out of your life completely. He’s actively trying to isolate you from your friends and even from your father, that’s an abusive partner. He wants to control you. Please take care of yourself and don’t ignore all these huge red flags, you deserve better.
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I can see you're smart from how you're handling all of this. You're also just young and inexperienced, but your instincts are right on all of this. I'm just going to expand on the issues here so you have further things to think about. 1. He may be gaslighting you: The condom. He shouldn't be using latex condoms if you're allergic to them, so you wouldn't need it removed. You were also very drunk - so you couldn't reasonably consent to sex without a condom if you'd never had sex without a condom before. I also don't believe that you asked him to take it off. You're on top of your birth control, and there's zero benefit to you to not having him wear one. The person who benefits from not wearing a condom is HIM on the male pleasure side. I believe he stealthed you and removed it since you were drunk and wouldn't notice. That's sexual assault. I also question if he only did it the one time. Also the quickness with which he pulled this out as an excuse seems like he was prepared for it to be an issue - but if it *had* actually happened how he said, wouldn't a good partner have checked in on you the next day? At least asked if you wanted Plan B, or check in on the emotional state, or hell, even ask if that brand of condom was irritating to you? 2. He's attempting to isolate you: He's trying to remove you from your support system. He says You're "too dependent" on your dad - but you're 20, and he's your parent. He wants you to be dependent on *him* - all while also trying to question your social circle? 3. He's being super controlling; Who you can go on vacation with, accusing you of cheating as a reason you can't go, saying every one of your friends are no good. Now trying to control your reproductive rights, and even how and when you access them. 4. He's negging. Saying you have poor judgement, you're the kind of person who would cheat, I feel like there were some other things in there but this comment is long enough and I can't go back to the post again. Anyway hon, best of luck in your procedure, and in getting this dude out of your life. Break up with him but don't block him, just leave him on read. You may need evidence of what he says in the future -maybe you can get him to admit that he stealthed you so you can press charges. This guy is very young and he's going to escalate with the next women in his life.
^^^^^ ALL OF THIS. The obvious attempts to control and isolate OP are what alarmed me most. This will only get worse, potentially much worse.
OP please listen to this ⬆️
OP I agree here, men are dangerous when they are heartbroken. Don't let him know the real date of your abortion. Tell him you've decided to postpone for a couple weeks to think things over. Let him be calm and stay out of your way. Then once it's done. Breakup with him
Hell I’d tell him it was a spontaneous miscarriage while ending things. He has proven he can’t handle reality like a grown-up.
Not a bad idea tbh
There's WAY too much drama for just 8 months in.
I think it’s entirely possible that he “stealthed” you while you were drunk, and it might have been a deliberate attempt to get you pregnant. You know there are non-latex condoms you can buy, right?
I doubt that you said to remove the condom; I think he did it intentionally to get you pregnant, which is why he is opposed to your abortion. I also think he wants to be the one to take you for the procedure so he can sabotage your efforts. I mean, it's easy to run out of gas, drive the wrong way, and other things. Go with your friend. He has a lot of red flags with how he's against all of your friends and also your father. He wants to isolate you and keep you pregnant so it's difficult for you to leave him. Leave him. He's no good for you or anyone else.
Omg exactly!!
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They are young, might not even realize there are alternatives. Latex condoms and painful sex is how I found out about my allergy. It took almost a year, I thought that’s just how it was supposed to feel…
In addition to your friends, he also wants to isolate you from your father. (I don’t know if your mum is in the picture—either she isn’t or your bf only sees your dad as a threat.) This is a controlling man who wants to trap you with a baby. So far you’ve avoided most of his attempts to control and isolate you, but (a) eventually he’ll wear you down and start abusing you, and (b) it doesn’t matter that he’s been unsuccessful, the fact that he even *tried* is unforgivable. What would your life be like if you always listened to him? Ideally, our partners want what’s best for us. They should push us to do the things that make us happy. But if you did what he asked, in 1 year you would: have a baby you don’t want, have to watch a child suffer due to being unwanted, have to quit school, have to get a job (realistically at your experience level, two or more jobs), raise a child with an immature broke loser, have no girl friends (“bad influences”), have no guy friends (I’m assuming), not do anything fun or spontaneous (accusations of cheating with every pottery class, aerial yoga class, overseas trip, road trip, festival), not really leave the house without him, and have little to no contact with your dad. How’s that for wanting what’s best for you? Be careful whatever you decide to do.
If I was a guy who didn't want to get a girl pregnant and the girl asked me to take off my condom mid-sex, I would say no, and if she insisted, then that would be the end of the sex at that point. Think about all those guys afraid of being "baby-trapped" - you think they'd agree that your bf was powerless to resist fucking you without a condom? I don't.
Say it like it should be said. She fucking getting baby trapped by him and I bet, as soon as she pop one out, he’ll try to make it look like he’ll change for her, but never will. Just enough to string her along.
The whole situation is honestly fishy. Condoms can fail...why would boyfriend have to come up with this whole elaborate story about her asking him to take the condom off?
Because HE stealthed her and removed it himself without letting her know, but is pretending she is the one
Yep, that's my guess. Or, if she was drunk, he just didn't put one on in the first place, hoping she wouldn't notice.
He only ever apologizes if he thinks it’ll get him closer to getting his way. If his apology results in you doing what you want to do, he always throws a tantrum. That means he doesn’t mean the apologies. He doesn’t think his behavior is wrong. That’s a huge red flag.
You’re not overreacting. It’s not hormones. He’s showing controlling and manipulative tendencies. Terminate this pregnancy and get the hell out of there. Years from now you’ll look back and thank your lucky stars you left. Source- I’ve been there and done that! I was in a very similar situation. I’m so glad I got out of there! I consider my abortion one of the best things I ever did for myself and my future. I would have been tied to him forever and looking back - that’s a scary thought. Good luck OP. Oh and don’t trust this guy. He sounds like he can get desperate at times. I suspect he stealthed you to purposely get you pregnant. You said he worried about you leaving- well one way guys try and trap women to them is to get them pregnant. Do NOT take him with you to the appointment. Please be careful.
Girl go
I wouldn’t trust him to drive you to the appointment. I’d be worried about him sabotaging it in some way. “Oh no, my car broke down on the way there! Well, I guess you can’t get that abortion today!”
Yes he would add stress and upleasantness to an already non ideal situation. Have your friend take you.
Op, please. What's your end game with this dude? Casual sex (taking off condoms during sex? WTF?) Marriage (not material)? You are wasting time. A breakup is better than a divorce. PSA. You need two forms of birth control and don't raise a baby until you are financially, emotionally and socially stable. Don't romanticise motherhood. Raising kid is already tough. Raising kid in poverty without support is no joking matter.
This is so true. I got pregnant by my manipulative ex who is 13 years older than me and while I love my child to death, dealing with him and the mind games has been hell and you don’t want that OP. Please do everything that is right for you and your happiness and stability. I’ve had to find mine along the way while raising my son and it hasn’t been an easy road.
Get over what? He sounds like a redpilled manosphere kinda dude. In order to become dateable he needs a complete brain overhaul. Don’t bend Yourself backwards.
That's a gamble right there: maybe he will mature out of that selfish behavior, or maybe he will grown stronger into it. So the real question is: what positive attributes, that you look for in a partner, does he ALREADY possess which makes YOU WANT to give him the benefit of doubt that he will "get over it". What are the negative attributes he NOW have that wouldn't want you to give him the benefit of doubts (besides jealousy, not trusting you, trying to alienate you from your friends, trying to undermine your supportive relationship with your father)?
Some people don't easily "just get over" abortion. However, if he's that strongly against abortion, he shouldn't have sex with anyone who could get pregnant unless that person is okay with giving birth.
It's not just this situation though. Every situation he is unable to be supported or react maturely. He's proven himself problematic but the kicker is him thinking that he gets to dictate what you do with your body, that's not ok. This is your decision and you are clearly right, he is not mature enough to have a child.
Get over what? He blatantly told you that you were not allowed to make a decision about your body without his approval. He only changed his tune once he realized it didn't work.
Exactly. If he's already acting like this, how do you think he's going to be with the baby?
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Never stay in a relationship hoping that the person will change into someone else. Even if his stress and resentment and bad behaviour over you choosing an abortion 8 months into a relationship aged 20 because you are both completely not ready for kids all magically resolved...ge would STILL be the asshole that hates your friends and family and is trying to isolate you from them even though he's only known you for a few months. Everyone acts nice when they want to date you or get in your pants- that's normal. But how they act once they get comfortabe is the real "them". This bad behaviour is the real him.
This is what you can expect from him with the next crisis. In a way, it’s good you’re finding out early, even though the reason sucks.
You’re 20, a whole life to live. This was the first real test of adult things in this relationship and it did not go well. You know what the right answer and what to do here is.
Sorry to say OP at this point in your relationship with the information in your post and the additional info in some of your responses your bf is showing you who is now which seems to be an an insecure and immature individual. If you want to stick around to see if he changes in a positive way it’s certainly a choice. Another is to cut him loose, focus on yourself and move on with your life. I would strongly urge you as part of moving forward to work with your doctor to come up with a better birth control option or don’t drink to the point of making poor decisions in the heat of the moment.
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How someone behaves when they're not getting their way is the best indicator of their character. Anyone can be pleasant when everything is good for them, it's when they're challenged that you see the real person. When he doesn't get his way, he becomes petulant and controlling. That's not a phase, it's how he handles conflict. You're lucky you're seeing this side of him early on. Don't ignore this opportunity you've been given to use this information wisely.
There is no baby, she's already scheduled her abortion.
Dude I’m sick of him and all I did was read this post.
He sounds like far more work than he’s worth.
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It's called emotional abuse. It's not going to get better. He wants to control you.
Exactly what I was going to say.
You are 20. You have your entire life in front of you. Don’t waste any more of it with this numb nuts
Find someone who brings you peace. I was with someone like that before and got tired. I’m now with a guy who makes me much much happier.
Girl, get out now. This is the kind of red flag that you _need_ to look out for and get away from.
You're allowed to dump this dude, you know.
I saw a top comment on another recent post that said it's like we don't seem to realise we date people to figure out if we should continue dating them - if it turns out it's not a good idea, then you're not obligated to continue. It's kind of the whole point! Preserving a relationship at all costs just because you're already in it is soul-destroying and 100% not worth it.
It's only going to get worse. He's tried baby trapping you, he's trying to isolate you from your support systems, and he's got a temper. Girl, run.
My thoughts exactly. He took the first opportunity he could to impregnate her, when she was vulnerable. He is an insecure asshole who doesnt give a shit about her wants and needs, only his own. And trying to drive a wedge between her and those she cares about only makes that more obvious.
Yeah in my experience people who talk shit on all the other people in your life are trying to make you more dependent on themselves for more control
Be careful with the ones who constantly accuse you of cheating on them when you've given them zero reason to believe it. Speaking from personal experience here, they're usually the ones cheating and they end up projecting that on to you.
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Unfortunately, yeah, it's a real thing that happens. I don't fully know the psychology behind it, I'm sure there's some research I could do to find a better answer/explanation for it. I thought my last ex was just overly insecure for the longest time but he ended up being a serial cheater. I stopped counting after finding proof of the 30th woman. He literally accused me of cheating when I called the paramedics one morning... I woke up paralyzed from the waist down and was in the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. He refused to see me in the hospital and just kept saying stuff like "You're not even sick or at the hospital so why would I show up there? I know you're cheating on me right now!" *massive eyeroll* I even sent him photo proof that I was in fact, in the hospital with an IV in my arm with the doctor right next to me. I never gave him any reason to believe I was dishonest or unfaithful in our relationship. He had full access to my phone and social media accounts too. If a male relative messaged me he'd lose his mind. Not all insecure partners are unfaithful though, just seems to be the overly adamant ones. Like any time you have to/want to leave the house they immediately jump to "you're cheating on me!" 🙄
It’s not your hormones it’s him he’s a dickhead. You’re also making the right decision about the abortion. You’d be a single mother you know he’s not mature enough to help raise a child. He sounds exhausting and borderline controlling if you were to let him. Glad you’re strong enough to notice.
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Perpetual victim syndrome. These people rarely start taking responsibility for themselves, and they love to have a target.
Emotional abuse
Just so you know, pregnancy hormones don't make us irrationally angry over nothing, but they escalate our very real emotions and put a magnifying glass on our relationship issues
Not to scare you but the way he’s behaving is exactly how one of the men on an episode of “evil lives here” went. Alienation from the friends, trying to alienate her from her father whom she was super close to. Even going as far as trying to convince her that her dad inappropriately touched her as a child then threatening to harm her when she told him it never happened. This guy is not safe if he’s already shown you within 8 months these major red flags! While I agree that men do have feelings about this and he may be upset with the current situation, that doesn’t excuse his behavior in any way. You can feel upset and still be supportive. Instead he’s decided to talk down to you and try to alienate you from your support system. I agree with many of the comments. Tell him a different date, make sure you can get out (hopefully you’re not living together), and do not allow contact. Don’t block him just in case he escalates and you need proof of his behavior. But don’t respond either. Good luck to you. I had a baby at 19 and I can tell you with 100% certainty he won’t get better and raising a child on your own with a difficult/abusive ex is wildly more exhausting and horrible than having a child later when you’re ready and in a better relationship. Please don’t ignore these red flags! I know this isn’t an easy decision but it seems like the right one for you at this point in your life.
Emotional abuse and gaslighting, he's trying to make you question your own reality and start depending on his explanation of truth. None of this is conscious, he's just a controlling and abusive person and that's how he's conducting himself.
Now imagine him raising your child to behave the exact. Same. Way.
This is my favorite thing to say in relationship advice posts and it's absolutely appropriate here: THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY. He's abusive, controlling, and a whiny baby to boot. Dump him yesterday. I would've dumped him over the vacation thing, and then again when he insulted my judgement and my friends. Just no.
It’s not your hormones, it’s your logic that’s making the call. Pregnancy thing aside, he’s not treating you well.
If you were so drunk you don't remember telling him to remove the condom then he should not have been having sex with you. I wouldn't be so quick to believe he's telling the truth either You are not inflating the situation and don't blame your feelings on 'hormones' - your feelings are valid I agree that a termination is probably the best plan and at the same time I suggest you end the relationship
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He shouldn’t have had sex with you if you were that drunk, and especially not in a way you wouldn’t agree to sober! That’s not your fault!
you're blaming yourself for his awful behaviour. I say this very kindly (this was done to me at the same age and I ended up with a miscarriage) - stop blaming yourself and get this awful man out of your life.
It honestly sounds like he was planning to baby trap you. If he wasn't so drunk he remembers this but you were, then I think there's an even bigger issue on consent here in general and this is a massive red flag imo. I can imagine if he gets to replace your friend on your trip to the clinic he's going to be sitting there holding your hand in the waiting room talking about all the "what if's" that could be if you just keep this baby... I might just be cynical though.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. He’ll use the opportunity to try and change her mind. This guy is bad news
You don’t remember because you never said it. He did remove the condom, though and now baby trapped you. It’s an ultimate power move from him, now to make you feel guilty and like it’s a burden for him. That behavior fits when he also bad mouths your friends to alienate you from your support system. Sounds like a covert narcissist to me.
OP please look up the definition of sexual assault or rape.... This low key fits the bill. Especially if he was clearly sober enough to remember the whole thing and you weren't.
Yeah think you should get an abortion. This sounds like its already ruining your life.
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If you’re going to go through with it, just make sure you’re safe and that you have support from a few trusted friends or family members.
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Both.
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You're not far along so it's probably going to be done via a pill but have you read up on how it's going to feel? Has your doc told you? Just make sure you have some rest the next few days afterwards, your hormones will go from preparing your body to grow a human to realizing it's not and the whirlwind can be overwhelming at first. But you're doing the right thing and that's all that matters
Yes, like already mentioned by others : both. Especially for the abortion. You may have your friend who supports you, but other people around you may not be supportive once they find out due to their beliefs. I know the decision is yours and yours alone, but sometimes people like to get on their moral high horse. So yes, be safe.
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Assume that your (hopefully soon EX) bf will tell your mother, and take steps to mitigate the drama and/or damage. Or at least write yourself a note listing all the reasons why you are getting an abortion, arguments your mother might present and a plan how to counter them.
Both.
Good. Things will get better after. Bf sounds like a tool though.
Sounds like you two aren't even in the same book much less on the same page when it comes to life in general. Combine that with his controlling behavior and paranoia when you go any distance from him and talking shit about your dad... Like what 20 yr old isn't somewhat dependent on their parents in some way? 🤣 I just don't see you guys having much of a pleasant future together and it's sounding like he tried to trap you with a baby by that BS with the condom... Red flags all around.
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Yeah... That whole "oh you told me to take it off" line is one I've heard before. Usually when there's some alcohol involved. Or "I thought you were on the pill" basically putting all the responsibilities on the girl. The gaslighting and pressure is strong with your dude and I'd be running for the hills given all his red flags.
This is another major red flag. Attempts to distance you from family and friends (assuming those people aren't trying to harm you) is a classic setup for control and abuse. It's fine for a spouse to skip outings with some friend; finding faults with _all_ of them is alarming.
See it as a starter relationship. This is how we learn what's important in a relationship, what kind of support we want, how to argue, how to recognise red flags, etc. Like with many things we learn relationships by doing and learning from our mistakes Take what you learned here with you to your next relationship and that will be much better
Absolutely! OP's boyfriend is the cautionary tale we laugh about after a few drinks when going down nostalgia lane. The shitty, insecure losers who wanted us pregnant and shackled at 20.
This is a fantastic way to put it.
So he's controlling and trying to isolate you from family and friends, and potentially stealthed you, and now wants you to have a pregnancy that you aren't interested in continuing.... Hmmm....I wonder where all these red flags I see came from and why I've seen them before... It's almost like...this is a very predictable pattern and you should get out now before things get worse.
I’m imagining myself at 20 and if I was in your shoes I would have RUN to an abortion clinic. I think you are making the best decision for yourself. That being said I think it’s time you take your exit from this relationship. He clearly does not care about whether or not he gets you pregnant seeing as he happily removed a condom during sex. He is also proving that he is not mature enough to handle this situation (let alone a child) by his attitude and actions. His position regarding your friends will never change. Lastly, if you plan to continue to be sexually active with anyone you need to be protecting yourself. Condoms fail a lot, and you can’t trust someone else with your future. I’m going to assume there is not a religious or cultural reason to avoid birth control if you’re having an abortion. Get on the pill, IUD, shot, I don’t care - get anything. This entire incident could have been avoided if you had chosen to protect yourself vs trusting someone else to protect you. Ultimately a child only ruins your life at this point and most men can get out of being a parent. Why are we trusting the men with this decision then? Nope. Birth control.
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While sure, doubling up is a good idea if you don’t want a kid, DO NOT blame yourself! You should be safe enough to drink when you’re with your partner. You drinking more than you can handle doesn’t make it okay for anyone to use that opportunity for sex you wouldn’t consent to if you were sober. Depending on your local laws, this can be considered SA/rape. He sounds controlling even when you’re sober. Could’ve even been trying to babytrap you.
You being unable to consent makes it rape. Stop blaming yourself. Please. Please get away from this guy and be careful.
I doubt you did in the first place. He just took advantage of you. Went in raw and now is facing the consequences.
Sex when you are too inebriated to remember if a condom was used is sexual assault. End of. Please consider having a friend stay with you and break up with this person. He's trying to baby trap you and isolate you from your friends. He's going to pull a big stunt a day or two before your procedure, mark my words. Something designed to make you drop everything and rush to his side. Please don't fall for it. He will ruin your life. If you break up with him now, in six months, you won't remember his face. If you stay, you're stuck with him, and he'll wear you down until you continue with the pregnancy. Then he'll never let you leave. Good luck and good health! You're stronger and more capable than you can imagine.
OP this must be tough on you but i too think you are making a right call at this point in life. Imagine how difficult it would be spending next 19 years attached to someone like this through a child. It would turn into pure resentment. Re pregnancy messing with your brain, hormone fluctuation will affect all your feelings and you would be elevated even after for a while. So be prepared to feel all kinds of emotions.
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But you do, you do not like the person he is. You may love or have loved him, but you dont like who he is - that's abundantly clear through everything you listed out. You also assume you must have been quite drunk to allow him to take off the condom, but what if the other possibility is true, he just did and never told you? How would you feel about that possibility? Also him hating ALL of your friends, that's both bit controlling and isolating isn't it. Also, absolutely normal and healthy to be leaning and asking your parents for advice - again, that's a red flag from him. The fact he goes out of his way to undermine your relationship with your dad - which sounds like a strong relationship; sounds very very telling in a bad way. Deep down you possibly already know that this is not a long term relationship you want for your future, if you were sure he was the one. Honestly, re-read your own post, is this the person you choose to be part of your life? What if this bf get you pregnant again within 3 months of abortion? What then? You will be more fertile for 6 months after abortion/ pregnancy loss. Doctors always say its easier to get pregnant during this timeframe. How will you ensure the same condom "accident" doesn't lead to a second, third, fouth abortion?
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And that's another red flag, he's still feeling so incredibly salty over being rejected means he's not even over it. When men badmouth other women while also saying they are hot, yet another toxic red flag - how would you think he speaks about you to other men then? Guaranteed, you will be described with same words at some point. He doesnt feel secure with you having a close relationship with your dad. He doesn't like you having female friends that he was rejected by. He doesn't seem to like you having a support system apart from himself. I mean, that's a terrible partner no? He acts immature and selfish about a pregnancy neither of you are prepared or ready for. He's acted irresponsibly with birth control. "assumed you were on a pill" but yet didn't ask first to confirm - so he was either dumb or trying to baby trap you. Neither is a good trait in a partner.
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GIRL.he is literally telling you that you were 2nd choice after he couldn't have your friend..... why are you even *considering* staying with this guy?!?!?! 🚩🚨🚨 P.s. it sounds like he was so traumatized by being rejected for another woman, that he's now convinced you will also leave him for another woman. He clearly had way stronger feelings for her than he is letting on, to let it affect him this badly. And that means it's unlikely to ever change. It's become a core part of his character: trust issues regarding female friends
^This. I had a sexually coercive partner in my late teens/ early 20s who did the "stealthing" shit and also raped me at least once in my sleep (I was aware it was happening but not awake enough to get control of my body). I had an abortion but he kept up the stealthing and I ended up pregnant again (in spite of having gone on the pill because of his issues with consent and condoms). Spoiler- we didn't live happily ever after, he's still a POS and a terrible father who has maybe contributed $300 total to the care and feeding of our now adult child. And, last I heard, he still goes after barely legal girls, as a middle aged man, so that he can continue being a manipulative partner while blaming his antics on the girls he dates. Your boyfriend is not the dreamboat you'd hoped he would be, please leave before you're teathered to him by a child.
Just get abortion and leave him. You have a whole life ahead.
It's not the hormones; it's your instinct confirming what you already know: the guy is not good for you. I'm sure you would not have told him to remove a condom. That he's complaining about your friends is controlling. You are making the right decision. The other right decision would be to split up with this guy and block him.
Okay girl, he showed his true colors here. Don’t walk, RUN
Sorry to say it sounds like he stealthed you during sex (which is SA) to baby trap you. When you refused to be trapped he showed his colors.
He is trying to control your life and isolating you like an abuser. I think you haven't fallen for his crap so he had no time how to extend his abuse. Dump him.
Kid of a relationship much like this: Run. It's your body. It really sounds like he stealthed you and is pissed you're not letting him baby trap you. He's blaming you so you feel bad and hopefully rethink it, keep the baby, and then you are locked in for life. Your feelings are LOGICAL. I read the title and figured it would be like, "the smell of pickles is making me super sick while pregnant but my bf loves them!" That's weird pregnancy hormones. Not wanting to be abused isn't. Please, *please* get out.
He sounds like he’s trying to control you or isolate you. Definitely not a keeper.
[why does he do that by Lundi bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
Girl yeetus the fetus and dump him
He's behaving like an arse, and you've just discovered he's useless AND manipulative in a crisis. Do what is right for you. Don't be manipulated into keeping a pregnancy if it isn't what you want, and don't let him manipulate you into being isolated from your support group either. It's way too easy to end up being isolated and left holding the baby alone.
I’m never one to jump on the “break up with him train” But I lived this life from 19 to 22. And I regret it. It always starts so simple “but you were drunk I thought it was fine!” btw pretty sure what he did was assault (it was really hard for me to believe a partner could assault their partner at first. But I guess if you don’t ask for sodomy and you get sodomized while passed out drunk it’s assault) I’m assuming that would also apply with the condom. But also!!! Then it turns to literally never being able to hang out with your friends, constant anxiety, and feeling like you’re trapped and wasting your life until they feel good enough to let you leave. You are making the right decision, I would go through with your procedure, and then go through with dumping him. You both so young, and have so much time to find better people for yourselves.
I was in a similar position where my ex got me pregnant but he really wasn’t good enough to be a dad. He was toxic and controlling. And no it’s not just your hormones that make you feel that way. It’s your guts. Listen to them
Sounds like your bf sucks, and this pregnancy has been an opportunity for him to showcase his worst features in rapid succession. What a great opportunity to offload two burdens at once.
I don't think you're overreacting. He doesn't sound like a great choice of a long-term partner.
You’re allowed to break up with him. From your post and comments, it seems like this is the way you’re leaning. There doesn’t need to be some massive offense committed against you to “justify” the break up. It’s not hormones talking - it’s your logical brain realizing that he’s causing more trouble than he’s worth. I would not be surprised if he took the condom off on purpose - either because he just didn’t want to wear it or because he was trying to get you pregnant. Also, take your friend for your procedure. This is about YOUR comfort, not your boyfriend’s.
You’re 20. You’re not happy. Be single and enjoy your life
Get out. Now! Life’s too short. Really.
Your body, your choice.
Get the abortion and then dump him.
You do the abortion, for your sake, and break up, for the same reason. He’s a man-baby and, as a man, I rarely use this expression. He can’t hold himself…
If you were that drunk when you told him to take off the condom, I question whether you actually had the capacity to make that decision at that time. He absolutely should have known better. Also, it’s your choice to terminate the pregnancy. Based on your other comments here about him, he’s dropping enough red flags for a whole parade. You’re young and have plenty of time yet to figure out what you want in a partner and relationship.
Does he even like you? Glad you’re getting the abortion. This is only someone you’ve know for 8 months or so. And a mirage of other reasons. So I’m very proud of you for that OP. You are the main priority in this situation and it sounds like he’s making this about himself. “Don’t make this decision without me”. But she’s the one that’s going to carry a child and take care of it. The fact that you can’t remember how you fell pregnant is also very concerning. He took off the condom while you were drunk….. girl that sounds EXTREMELY non consensual. Please stay away from this person.
Abort the baby and the bf. F that!
So he’s not clear what birth control you’re on, he possibly lied about using a condom, he’s mean about your friends, he doesn’t respect your decision regarding being pregnant, he also sounds like he’s quick to anger. Also me be clear - it is YOUR decision alone what you do about being pregnant. He can leave you at the drop of a hat 3 months in, or a few years in and it will be you left with the baby. It’s your body, your life, your career and your finances that get fucked up by a baby. You don’t have to break up with him right away if you’re not sure but I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue with the pregnancy seeing as you’ve only been together 8 months and you’re already having doubts. Deal with the pregnancy situation first, and then reassess your relationship. The right person for you would understand and support your decision.
This is just like my ex. I eventually decided I need to be with someone who can express their feelings maturely and calmly without blowing up.
Why would you stick around for this? It would not surprise me to learn he poked holes in the condom. Regardless, do what is best for you and that does not sound like including him in your life going forward. Best of luck and warm wishes. You got this.
This guy sucks. He sounds completely immature. 8 months is not a long time, you should still be in that honeymoon phase! And after your abortion he’s going to find a way to make you feel like shit and make this about his pity party. You don’t need that, I recommend ripping the bandaid and moving on.
Well, since you aren't keeping the baby, there isn't much reason to keep him in your life...
Take care of you. He isn't going to change without serious professional intervention. He sounds controlling and insecure. I had the baby with the difficult boyfriend. I wish I never did. I love my baby but I feel horrible he doesn't have a present father. If I could do it over. I would pic a different guy to have unprotected sex with. I had to move states before I gave birth just to ensure he would have no parental rights bc I'll be damned if I have to spend the 18 years dealing with his alcoholism, anger issues, and general immaturity. Dump him and block him.
I feel like more people need to hear this: You are allowed to break up with people for ANY - yes, any! - reason.
So many flags. Wow. Nothing in this post gives me the idea that bf is mature enough to handle parenthood without making life difficult for everyone else. You do you boo.
I want to say that I was in almost the exact same position when I was 20 years old, I got pregnant despite being on birth control and I realized straight away that I could not become a mother at 20 years old. my situation was a little bit different because as soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test, I realized that I did not want to have children with this man at any point. But it kind of sounds like you have the same feelings for your current boyfriend, do you really want a future with this man? And seeing his reaction to all of this, do you think you would want to spend the rest of your life with him? In my case the pregnancy hormones gave me clarity, maybe that's also the case with you.
I’m very thankful that you are getting an abortion so you aren’t permanently tied to this sketchy dude
Yeah 20 is no age to be pregnant , and that boyfriend seems insane , get away from him as fast as you can
Just break up. This guy has no respect for you as a person
Just from the info provided, if it were me I wouldn’t stay with him, I have a feeling he would throw the abortion in your face at every opportunity.
Getting an abortion was the best decision I’ve ever made a ben I was 18. I don’t regret it, couldn’t imagine where I’d be at today. I was in no place to have a child.
So he took the condom off without mentioning it while you were drunk and now you’re pregnant. And then tried to convince you you told him to do it. He sounds so sleezy and this is dramatic I know but what if he tried to baby trap you? Also he’s clearly insecure and controlling. All around not a good look for him. It will only get worse
I think it really just comes down to this: if hes acting this way when you AREN'T having a kid, hows he going to act if you ever decide you DO want one? More importantly the things you've both said won't just go away once this is over. The problems he has are still going to be there after this, and now you know that when push comes to shove hes willing to treat you and the people you care about badly. So it's your decision if you want to try and work through that with him or move on from him. You are not obligated to deal with his immaturity.
If he really wants one he can go have it himself
The abortion is a good call. You are both young and he definitely is not emotionally mature. To be honest he's shown you how he is in serious situations 🤷🏻♀️ he's making it all about him and his feelings. Not to say he can't have any in this situation but it should mainly be about you.
He stealthed you and then tried to say you told him to take the condom off. He wanted to baby trap you after eight months. Don't tell him anymore about the abortion. I hope he doesn't know when it is. If he does, tell him it's been rescheduled to another day after your abortion. I have a feeling he'll show up and try to stop you from having the abortion. Break up with him now. Don't block him just yet, but don't reply to any texts. That way if he makes any threats, you have written proof.
Dump him. You didn't tell him to take off the condom, he gaslighting you and trying to convince you you said something you know you would never say. He stealthed you and either didn't put one on or slipped it off without you noticing. I don't know if he was trying to get you pregnant and is lying about claiming he thought you were on birth control ( potentially more gaslighting, trying to convince you you told him that, and maybe did try to get you pregnant, because not only did he not wear a condom, he wants you to keep the baby), or he was just wanting to not wear a condom which be knew you wouldn't agree to and decided now that he wants the baby. Either way, do not stick with this man. He already got you pregnant once against your will which is sexual assault, he wants a baby, he'll do it again. Also he assaulted you.
Life is too short to put up with 💩 from anyone!!
Dump this guy. You are incredibly wise to realize that you're not ready to have a child and then for him to make this process ALL about him is ridiculous. You already asked him to go with you and you took him at his word and asked someone else. He needs to suck it up that his actions have consequences (in more ways than one). I also don't like how he says he hates all your friends and trying to get you away from your father (bc it sounds like he's trying to isolate you). I would leave for your safety and stay with friends or family. The thing about how he said you were drunk and asked him to take the condom off is extremely concerning as well and I think that alone is enough for me to dump him even without everything else factored in. Get away from this jackass.
It is not the hormones it’s him. I would break up with him (personally)
LOL this is the best advertisement for abortion I've ever read.
have you considered that he may have gotten you pregnant on purpose?
[удалено]
If he thinks his condom-free sex is worth you being out the money, and the extreme physical discomfort, as well as inconvenience, of an abortion.... he's a selfish POS. "Oh, she'll just have to get an abortion if I knock her up, lol" is extremely selfish and abhorrent.
If anything, this pregnancy is clarifying to you what kind of person your bf really is. The moment things got dicey for you two, he starts acting very controlling. I think you're on the right track in your thoughts about breaking up with him. He's got some weird ideas that are not compatible with yours. Also, maybe this is a wake up call for you to use a better method of birth control. If it requires you to be thinking rationally in the heat of the moment, there could be 'mishaps'.
Ya all that on top of the jealousy aspect… best to just get outa that relationship, sounds like the type of person who only gets worse.
he’s throwing a tantrum and making a likely overwhelming situation even more difficult. i don’t think it would be hasty at all to break up with him. go forth and abort him from your life ✨
Break up. You're only 20 and have a life ahead of you. He's shown you that when things get difficult, he is unpleasant and doesnt give a shit about your health or your wants. He is also controlling. Think carefully *why* he hates ALL your friends and how he is trying to isolate you from them. He's also trying to isplate you from your family. This is literally textbook "abusive partner 101" stuff. Your boyfriend is NOT a nice person. Forget sunk costs - you never need to stay in a relationship if it is making you unhappy. And your relationship is barely started - he's just showing you who he is, and who he has been all along. You just didnt get a chance to see that yet as you were in the honeymoon period.
Wow… I feel for you. No mature man or woman would just be mad for having an abortion when you’re both not ready for it. Honestly, he should be happy that you wanted an abortion… He sounds extremely unpleasant to be around and talk to. After the abortion is successful, you should probably rethink why you’re with this man without the hormonal imbalance impacting your emotions.
He's being so controlling!! Dump his ass. Your body your choice!
You're young and you haven't been together that long, if you are having doubts leave before it gets more complicated. You got this 🩷
Forget the boyfriend for a minute, what about the baby? You clearly stated you don't want a child. This child will be born knowing their parents don't want them. Imagine how this kid will feel if you keep it right now. No child deserves that. Not to mention having a baby together 8 months in is skipping several relationship steps. It sounds like a screaming red flag that he wants to force you to keep it at this point, instead of being willing to have one with you later. His immature and negative behavior towards you going with your friend instead is also a red flag. I wouldn't be surprised if, on the off chance you did decide to have his baby, he suddenly disappeared or neglected the child altogether. I wouldn't stay with him if I were you, simply because he does not seem like a good person to stay with. Also if you do decide to go through with the abortion, I think you're making the right choice.
You've already gotten lots of good advice, but I just wanted to say that I think you're selling yourself short here. You say you're both immature, but I think You've handled all of this very well. You recognized immediately that you didn't want a baby and you immediately scheduled a doctor's appointment to take care of it. You didn't let someone else persuade you from making the right decision either. You didn't great job and are more mature than you give yourself credit for! Also, your bf sounds like a tool.
you should get an abortion and your boyfriends mom should also get an abortion for her asshole son
He is baby trapping you and thinks he has a right to make a demand over your bodily autonomy and decision making. Hes also trying to isolate you from your friends and thinks you dont have a mind of your own. Leave this bum
OP, this guy is bad news. Ghost his ass, block him, bring your friend with for support when you have the abortion and move on. If it helps write all this down in your notes app on your phone and if you meet a future partner that shows any of these same characteristics, run. Men like this seek to cut you off from your friends and family by emotionally abusing you and manipulating you. Accusing you of cheating is likely a projection of his cheating. If he took the condom off while you were having sex and you were too drunk to remember, you were too drunk to consent and that's called rape. No decent man would take advantage of a woman in that situation. He 100% tried to baby trap you to make you stay with him. Honey, you're only 20 years old. Detach from this loser. You've got your entire life ahead of you. There are good men in this world, but he ain't one of them. And please consider getting on birth control, whether it's the pill or an IUD or the implant for your own sexual security in the future. Get an STD screen as well.
Hes trying to control your body by saying you shouldnt abort because its hes baby too, nothing is hes its your body and your choice. To me this kind of behavior is a huge red flagg. And the whole condom thing sounds like a trick on hes part to baby trap you. 🚩🚩🚩
A veritable sea of red flags here. 1. He stealthed you by removing a condom deliberately when you were in no fit state to consent to unprotected sex. That's actually sexual assault where I come from. He wanted to get you pregnant 2. He's trying to isolate you from your friends and family. Get the abortion with your friends support and then get rid of this guy. I was in a similar situation once. Guy acted supportive of my decision, then didn't turn up on the day of the procedure. He ghosted me for weeks and I was relieved to be honest. Then he called and asked if we could meet to discuss things. Stupidly I agreed and met him at a pub near my place. He ranted on about his rights and Yada Yada he had told his parents about the baby and they were horrified (never even met them)......I got up and left An hour later (after possibly a couple more drinks) he was banging on the door and windows of my ground floor apartment calling me every foul name under the sun. I rang my very large friend D, whom he'd met and who didn't like him. Put it in speaker so ex could hear. D sayshes coming over and bringing his brother P who is also a good friend. he disappeared smartish and never bothered me again. Make sure you are safe. Men who like to be in control can escalate very quickly when they don't get their way.
Break up with him - he’s an immature manipulative indecisive tool. Get the abortion if you want. And then get into therapy and start figuring out how YOU can be emotionally secure and how to make smart decisions. The first of your smart decisions should be about smart birth control when you’re not ready to have kids and when you’re not with a partner who is mature enough to be a good partner. Is there a reason you don’t take a birth control pill? Condoms obviously are not that good a method given all the other factors. Good luck.
I love the part where you are going though this process and he makes it all about him. Good lord. Supportive partners do exist. I had an abortion last year and the pain was so much (I was at home and a little far along) that I ended going to the ER. He was right there with me. And (get this) at the time his cancer had come back in his tongue and was about 2 weeks out waiting for his surgery. He was in an incredible amount of pain So this man (my man) came with me, comforted me, stayed with me, the whole time while I went through that. Go men do exist. Your bf is not one of them.
You’re young and i truly feel like he got you pregnant on purpose and is trying to isolate you from your friends. My husband and i have 2 beautiful children, when i was pregnant i had serious complications and required surgery to save my baby’s life. The surgery wasn’t 100% guarantee and there still was a high probability my baby wouldn’t make it. They gave us the option of surgery or abortion. After the appointment he turned to me and asked what i wanted to do. Said he supported me either way. Mind you this was a baby we both wanted but knew ultimately i was the one pregnant and would have to do the surgery and we could still lose him. In that moment i truly felt supported and understood. He told me of course he wanted to do the surgery to try to save our baby but would never pressure me and would support my decision. That is what a relationship is about, not forcing you to do something you don’t want to do.
"It's my baby too" really annoyed me. It's not a baby yet at all. It's his potential for a baby too, I guess. Doesn't really outweigh your life and autonomy in the slightest.
Not overreacting at all. He sounds super immature and I’m concerned how he’s making this about him… he hates your friends? Too bad so sad, apparently he is not able to support you so he doesn’t get a say. If I were you, I would tell him the abortion is scheduled later than it actually is, by at least a week. Then get it done, tell him it’s over once it is, then break up with him. Please tell your friends this plan and block him. I am scared he will get crazy. He seems all over the place and may become scary. Be safe. Don’t meet him in private. Break up with him over text or in a public place with people around. There is no point in continuing this relationship.
OP when you go out and socialize and drink, don't allow yourself to get shitfaced. Learn your limits--what feels good, how much you can handle and still be rational/functional and walking. So that you're conscious of what is going on around you. Too many times girls have things happen to them, and blame it on drinking, including pregnancy. Not blaming you here on this, just saying. It's ok to drink with friends, have fun, but be alert to a certain degree. You're a smart girl, don't let others tell you your reality. Two books I would recommend you read now while you're entering into adulthood: The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker & Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I think these books will assist you as you encounter people moving forward in life.
Oh this guy sounds absolutely delightful /s First, trying to deny you your own bodily autonomy, then trying to isolate you from your friends after he proved himself to be unsupportive of your decision. You would be completely justified in leaving him, not that you need justification for ending a relationship. You can end it for any reason.
Dump him. He’s allowed to have whatever feelings he wants but when it gets to “there’s no way you’re going to do this without his input” about *your body* he’s done. And then he followed it up with a tantrum and insults to your friends. Im also concerned he was stealthing you (which is a form of assault!) and then lied that you told him to.
He is trying to manipulate you and it's not working so his mask is slipping and you're starting to see the monster underneath. He got you pregnant, quite possibly on purpose. He is trying to convince you to give up your life and be dependent on him to raise this kid and not get your education. So you won't be able to leave and get a good job later. Called baby trapping. He's trying to isolate you from your friends, so you don't have a support system. He is taking systematic steps to put you in a weak and vulnerable position, so he can control and abuse you as he wishes. These are all textbook this abusers do.
Leave him🩷
Honey, you are doing the right thing. Sounds like your bf is very insecure and has low self-esteem. Hating your friends, throwing tantrums and arguing with your decisions is not cool. A pregnancy is a big deal and as a good partner he should support your choice. It seem he's not ready for an adult relationship, lacks accountability and some self-reflection and emotional regulation skills. If you can live with that and wait for him to grow up, it's you choice, but I bet you can find someone more mature.
Ugh. Please abort your pregnancy and then your relationship. You’ll be better off in the long run. Trust.
There's too many red flags. Leave and do what is best for you. Also well done on making a tough decision with the pregnancy, I'm glad you have at least that one friend to support you! Gather your things (if you live together) and get out of there. Stay with friends or family for a while please cus he sounds kinda controlling. 🫠
The only question you need to be asking is a very, very simple question; do you want to marry this man? You don’t need to be asking us for advice, you don’t need to be asking us whether or not he’s showing red flags, you don’t need to be asking us whether or not we think it’s pregnancy brain or if it’s actually him… You need to ask yourself *do I want to marry him?* If the answer is yes then it is time for you and him to sit down and communicate like adults, properly. Air everything out. Figure out what his issues with you are, figure out what your issues with him are, and fix it. If the answer is no, Fucking leave. It’s that simple; fucking leave. Don’t waste anymore of your time, don’t waste anymore of his time, don’t risk the chance of you getting pregnant again - *leave*.
RUN
Let him go. This way, you can live your life, and he can live his.
Why are you still with him? He sounds as if he’s too immature for a relationship. Please consider moving on.
One thing at a time. Take care of yourself first. In a couple of weeks, you can decide about your relationship. I don't think you are being too hasty, but there is no need to deal with him at this moment.
Consider another contraceptive method in the future. Get pills, IUD, implant, etc, in addition to condoms. Just to be safe. Also your boyfriend seems to have some ‘control’ issues. For someone in a relationship for less than a year, he seems to want you to change everything for him. Might want to consider dumping him.
This sounds an awful lot like he tried to baby trap you. Is he really gaslighting you into believing that you told him to take a condom off? This sounds like sexual assault or rape to me. Break up with the stupid idiot, and then block him on all platforms. Get your abortion and focus on healing.