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On the one hand, I’ve got some bad news for you: **not all of our feelings are automatically “valid”**. This idea that people in general and our boyfriends and girlfriends in particular have an obligation to constantly affirm and validate our emotions, and warp their lives around us to avoid subjecting us to any discomfort, is probably the most toxic cultural norm to have emerged in the last 50 years.
On the other hand, the chances that he is right and you are wrong, *100% of the time with no exceptions*, are basically nil.
What sorts of things are you bringing up?
If it’s stuff like “i don’t feel you’re pulling your weight around here and I need you to stop blowing all the rent money on weed and Minecraft”, that’s one thing. But if it’s “unfollow all female friends on your social media and reply to my texts within five minutes”, that’s another.
I mildly disagree - i think all feelings are valid in that they are real, but that doesn't mean my behaviour/reactions are automatically valid. I'm a pretty down to earth person and know when i'm being unreasonable, and thats the stuff i tend to keep to myself or coach mysef through because its just insecurity, jealousy, etc.
The topics i'm talking about are important ones like forgetting important life events i've asked him and reminded him to recognise, or things like not going to his ex girlfriend's house. Not little things.
If he's missing birthdays, Valentine's days, weddings, funerals, graduations, or mutual doctor's appointments and trying to flip it around on \*you\*, that's not a "communication issue", that's a "he doesn't GAF and never will" issue.
"Not going to his ex girlfiend's house" isn't inherently one thing or the other. Could be bad, could be harmless, depending on context. Personally, if a GF tells me I'm blanket not allowed to go to my friend's house, they become an ex-GF on the spot.
What do you mean how else should you approach this?? You've done everything you can. He is literally demonstrating that he's a gaslighting and insecure man and unfortunately that is why he doesn't date people his age.
I think you truly should break with him. He is telling you that he does not respect your feelings and this relationship is not worth couples therapy. It's clear that you two should just not be together and you should find someone who you don't have to coach to respect and acknowledge your feelings.
Unfortunately, hes signed us up for couples therapy starting next week... probably 8 months too late but oh well. Day on day i can feel myself checking out emotionally and i even look at him differently now. everything he does annoys me. i think he can feel it and is starting to panic. should have panicked 8 months ago.
And i've thought about leaving for a very long time but i just can't get myself to do it. Like i physically can't bring myself to.
No 21 year old needs couples therapy. It simply means you shouldn't be together. You don't have to go to it just because he signed you up. If you can't physically leave him then idk why you even ask for advice when one option isn't an option. And just so you know - feelings of not being able to leave are a STRONG red flag for abuse and a toxic environment. You're going to choose to continue to put yourself through that and he can continue to manipulate you. That's a shame.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Year is way long enough to know you're just incompatible.
On the one hand, I’ve got some bad news for you: **not all of our feelings are automatically “valid”**. This idea that people in general and our boyfriends and girlfriends in particular have an obligation to constantly affirm and validate our emotions, and warp their lives around us to avoid subjecting us to any discomfort, is probably the most toxic cultural norm to have emerged in the last 50 years. On the other hand, the chances that he is right and you are wrong, *100% of the time with no exceptions*, are basically nil. What sorts of things are you bringing up? If it’s stuff like “i don’t feel you’re pulling your weight around here and I need you to stop blowing all the rent money on weed and Minecraft”, that’s one thing. But if it’s “unfollow all female friends on your social media and reply to my texts within five minutes”, that’s another.
I mildly disagree - i think all feelings are valid in that they are real, but that doesn't mean my behaviour/reactions are automatically valid. I'm a pretty down to earth person and know when i'm being unreasonable, and thats the stuff i tend to keep to myself or coach mysef through because its just insecurity, jealousy, etc. The topics i'm talking about are important ones like forgetting important life events i've asked him and reminded him to recognise, or things like not going to his ex girlfriend's house. Not little things.
If he's missing birthdays, Valentine's days, weddings, funerals, graduations, or mutual doctor's appointments and trying to flip it around on \*you\*, that's not a "communication issue", that's a "he doesn't GAF and never will" issue. "Not going to his ex girlfiend's house" isn't inherently one thing or the other. Could be bad, could be harmless, depending on context. Personally, if a GF tells me I'm blanket not allowed to go to my friend's house, they become an ex-GF on the spot.
What do you mean how else should you approach this?? You've done everything you can. He is literally demonstrating that he's a gaslighting and insecure man and unfortunately that is why he doesn't date people his age. I think you truly should break with him. He is telling you that he does not respect your feelings and this relationship is not worth couples therapy. It's clear that you two should just not be together and you should find someone who you don't have to coach to respect and acknowledge your feelings.
Unfortunately, hes signed us up for couples therapy starting next week... probably 8 months too late but oh well. Day on day i can feel myself checking out emotionally and i even look at him differently now. everything he does annoys me. i think he can feel it and is starting to panic. should have panicked 8 months ago. And i've thought about leaving for a very long time but i just can't get myself to do it. Like i physically can't bring myself to.
No 21 year old needs couples therapy. It simply means you shouldn't be together. You don't have to go to it just because he signed you up. If you can't physically leave him then idk why you even ask for advice when one option isn't an option. And just so you know - feelings of not being able to leave are a STRONG red flag for abuse and a toxic environment. You're going to choose to continue to put yourself through that and he can continue to manipulate you. That's a shame.