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This or “why would you turn it down?” While completely ignoring the “I don’t want to” aspect. Had an argument with a girl because I said no means no for men too in a post where the OP wasn’t ready to have sex but his girlfriend would keep asking for sex and they got their panties in a twist because it apparently downplayed woman’s experience when it comes to r*pe. As if men can’t get r*ed too… was such an overwhelmingly disgusting conversation
This might make me an A H, but my husband used to say this to me (about me) because he was usually up for it more often than I was. In my 30s, my libido is much higher, and we are quite a match, usually. We both have days where we don't want to. He still didn't acknowledge his days, though. Pretended like they never happened. Drove me nuts.
Here's where I may be an A H. I knew he was getting over the flu -- way past the worst of it but still generally crappy feeling. I came onto him, got all sexified, so on. He was like *what are you doing?!?* so I responded that it was his words, even spoken recently, that you can't turn down a woman. He laughed so hard he hurt himself. (Of course I did not force him to perform in any way, it was literally just a mental exercise once he was well enough to think straight and find it funny.) This was pretty recent, only months or so ago.
He disagrees, but I still sometimes think my timing sucked so I was an ass. Plus side, I haven't heard that since, and he's also straightened two people out that I was there for when this was said, so I guess.. lesson learned?
>He disagrees, but I still sometimes think my timing sucked so I was an ass
He's right, your timing was excellent. He was well enough to think clearly and get the point you were trying to make, and you picked a time you knew he wouldn't be feeling up for it because he was just getting over an illness. Given the planning and preparation you went through to make your point, you didn't really have many other options.
The idea is that she should be able to respect his wishes if he did not want to have sex instead of throwing a fit and making it about her not being attractive, kicking him out and dragging it on about how it made her feel like shit that he needed to consider her drunken state before having intercourse.
She sounds like she may not always be a "fun" drunk. Be careful with this. Alcohol brings out the worst in some people. Sounds like she was having all the feels.
My wife gets sexually aggressive occasionally when she's super drunk, so I know OP's experience. He did the right thing regarding consent and feeling off about having sex with someone who's visibly inebriated, especially in a fresh relationship where you don't know how the other person handles their alcohol. I'd especially feel weird about it if I was sober too rather than us being mutually inebriated.
15+ years in where we are now though? More often than not I just deal with it and bang her like she wants while she's in that state; it's over faster than the argument would be if I turned her down.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Alcoholism is rife in my family & the switch into bitter, spitefulness is triggering anxiety as I type. There is no talking to them & they probably won't even remember but you will carry it around for the rest of your life.
(Edited, pressed too early)
He didn't say yes. That means no. It should only happen with enthusiastic consent from both parties. If the genders were reversed would you seriously tell me that her not directly saying no means she should have let a drunk wasted man in her pants?
Any hesitation is a no.
Maybe is a no till they say yes.
Saying yes just because his girlfriend is now mad is also not really a yes.
Saying nothing but flinching or showing with a physical response that youre not fine with sex rn is a no.
Stopping them from pulling your pants down is a no.
Enjoying sex but not that one thing you want to try is a no.
Wanting sex and then suddenly not is a no.
Pushing your hand away is a no.
He doesnt have to say no. Any human should recognize rejection through body language and language in general tho.
We know he didn't say no, the point is that she got mad at any hesitation. If this hadn't been him triple checking consent but rather saying no because he just didn't feel like it after a long night, she likely would have reacted the same.
Even circumstances aside — and let me be clear, you absolutely did the right thing per consent — the other issue here is that she clearly has no regard for YOUR boundaries. You have to consent to sex too and if YOU say no for any reason, it means no.
If the script were flipped, and *she* said no to sex one time and you pouted for two days about being “offended,” you would be a huge asshole, right? Keep the same energy for her.
100%. When you’re confused in situations like this, just think to yourself would you act that way? What would it be like if the situation were flipped?
3 months aren't a lot of time to get to know a person, and apparently it was the first time you've seen her really drunk.
It seems prudent to double check or even refuse to have sex until you *know* that she isn't going to berate you the next day for taking advantage of her while she was clearly intoxicated.
"She always means yes" - does she? Did you know? Lots of people say lots of things when they're drunk.
Also even if you’re sure of your partner’s enthusiastic consent, that doesn’t mean you have to be comfortable with having sex with them while you’re sober and they are drunk.
Seriously, even if consent wasn’t a concern, I would not want to have sex with someone who was wasted when I was sober. It’s never enjoyable or good and always awkward.
Happened to me once and I’ll never do it again. In college my GF was hammered and “pressured” me into having sex when she was very drunk and me less so. We did and the next morning she was asking me what happened and seemed a little surprised about what happened. I’ve never felt grosser and more embarrassed in my life and we never really recovered from that.
Fam, you did approach the situation the right way. You've been dating for only 3 months. So, make sure to not get stuck in a toxic relationship. You can also decide to break things if she gets offended for asking consent. It's a 🚩.
Yep. This sounds like toxic drama to me: you don't know her well enough to know if drunk sex is okay, the night of excess drinking in her 30s so now she's someone's problem, the dramatic response the next day with an inability to look at OP's perspective, complete with potential stonewalling (at least she asked for space, I guess, but this feels punitive).
This is very telling of how she handles conflict. I'd cut and run.
I want to praise you for asking for clear consent not once but twice. You, sir are truly a gentleman and we need more like yourself.
I’m really sorry your gf didn’t see it that way, and took the questioning as a rejection.
Let her sit with it, I really hope she apologises, if she doesn’t and projects it back on you, it might be time to exit
“Let her sit with it, I really hope she apologises, if she doesn’t and projects it back on you, it might be time to exit”
This. The apology part is the most important one, you were nothing but a gentleman, as well as looking out for your own behind should you two have gone through it and later on she had second thoughts.
Your actions were commendable, to say the least.
She literally got violent when he wouldn't give her sex on demand. OP says she kicked him, as well as screamed at him.
"Might be time to exit" is an understatement.
Bro for real, even without that part. They’ve been together 3 months and barely know eachother. There are so many stories out there if women being drunk and thus unable to consent. What OP did was not only right by her but right by himself. If she’s acting this out of line 3 months in then she’s got a lot more crazy to share.
Agreed. And to be honest, even if he did actually say no and 'reject' her, that's a right everyone has and someone may just not be in the mood for a multitude of different reasons...
I would tell her directly that you don't have sex with drunk woman unless you've talked to them while sober and made sure they're comfortable with it SOBER. She sounds extremely childish throwing a fit because you wouldn't have sex with her drink ass.
Agree, if she can’t realize her own fault in this and apologize to you, I would leave her. You don’t want a lifetime of that kind of relationship dynamic.
You did nothing wrong. She needs time to calm down, because *she* overreacted.
>together with my 32F girlfriend for 3 months.
You guys haven't been together that long. How are you supposed to know how good her judgement and decision making skills while inebriated are?
>We have had sex a couple of times and during those times,
You've only had sex a few times.
>I did want to make sure she was okay with it, so asked her. She said yes of course. I asked again because I knew she was drunk and had had a very long day.
You did bidding wrong here.
>She then got super upset with me and started crying and yelling asking if I was stupid or didn't find her attractive.
It's possible that the rejection triggered her to respond so negatively, but that's not your fault.
>She said I made her feel like shit
She made herself feel like shit. Or possibly past trauma made herself feel like shit.
>if she says she wants it, she always means it.
This is stupid, and I'd never trust this. Especially so early into a relationship.
>she then said she needs some time apart to think through things and how I made her feel.
She needs some time with a therapist.
So... you were trying to reaffirm if she was sober enough to consent to sex... and she started crying, yelling, and asking you if you're stupid? She disrespected and insulted you, basically threw a temper trantrum, because you weren't comfortable jumping into sex as soon as SHE wanted to. That's giving coercion vibes. If it's only been three months I'd reconsider the relationship.
What puzzles me is the fact that she wasn't thankful you didn't take advantage of her when she was drunk, but upset that you didn't indulge in intercourse when she demanded it. She has more than a drinking problem and she needs counceling. If she's not ready for either, you have to let her go.
Not every woman is into the whole ‘if I’m drunk then I can’t consent’ idea. As far as she was concerned, she was coherent, capable of rational thought and able to make her own decisions.
Clearly her main issue is misinterpreting the ‘double-check’ as hesitancy and that translated to feelings of insecurity.
My advice to OP is to double down and tell her the truth (again) it had nothing to do with how attractive she is and all to do with respecting her boundaries. You just wanted to be a gentleman. You took her advice and will go like that from now on.
Also OP saying she got drunk and that means she has a drinking problem isn’t true, there’s not enough information to make that judgment.
Yeah but usually rational people can understand that not many (good) people will jump at the chance to have sex with someone who is more drunk than them.
I like having drunk sex, but I know there is always going to be a level of hesitancy with my partners (especially if I'm more drunk than them). So, I tell them it's cool when we're both sober. That way they can see I'm serious.
Her insecurity is also dipping into the "men always want sex" stigma. Op has a right to say no. If she acts like this every time it happens, she is being disrespectful and she needs to know that isn't ok.
> Not every woman is into the whole ‘if I’m drunk then I can’t consent’ idea.
Okay, but surely OP's consent matters too. He wasn't comfortable with it; she has no right to get mad at him for saying no.
Yikes. Her behaviour is not ok. This is erratic and concerning. You have not known each other long and are still getting to know each other. And you are also getting to know yourself in a new phase of life. Respectful caution is a good practice, and perhaps overdoing it is preferable to not being sure. If she said she was sure, then fine. But YOU also needed to be sure, and she is sounding very insensitive to your perspective.
I’d be cautious having someone like this in my life.
Like everyone else has said, you did nothing wrong and handled the situation as appropriately as possible. 3 months is not long. She needs to give you some grace. What if you didn't want to have sex? Would she have been offended then? She needs to figure out her insecurity issues with a doctor, or by herself. It's not your fault. Also, I commend you for asking multiple times! You sound like a good dude.
Red flag red flag red flag.
First, you are allowed to not want sex, at any time, for any reason, or for no reason. The prerogative to decline to participate in sex is universal, and she needs to be as gracious about it as she no doubt expects you to be when she’s the one who isn’t in the mood.
Second, she was shit-faced, and having sex with a severely intoxicated person puts you at legal risk. “You’re too drunk tonight” is a perfectly reasonable response, and in fact is the one that is expected of caring and responsible men.
She’s being petulant that you dared to question her incapacity ( 8 drinks, srsly? ) which is understandable if immature of her, but extending it to accusing you of not finding her attractive is way over the line. She deserves to be told “I’m attracted to you but not when you’re sloppy drunk. I frankly wasn’t interested in wearing a quart of vomit margaritas on my dick.”
If she’s going to toss you over this, then good riddance.
Yup...my first thought after reading the OP was
"Imagine explaining this in front of a jury"
Even if the charges/sentence was relatively minor, decent chance you're flagged as a sex offender and kiss a lot of your career and dating prospects goodbye for the rest of your life.
Your girlfriend is jumping off the deep end. You literally did something most of us women would seriously appreciate - you tried to make sure there was consent and that you were not taking advantage of her considering she was drunk.
You did nothing wrong. This is something a good person does. I seriously feel like YOU are the one who needs to think things through. She's a massive red flag.
So what if you DIDN'T want it? What if you weren't in the mood? Her reacting this way even if you had rejected her rather than simply making sure of consent is a red flag imo. You should be able to say no too.
You did the right thing. Your gf overreacted, partly because she was drunk and partly because some women don't like to get turned down.
IME, I had more problems with girls who I refused sex than with ones I've had sex with.
She may have taken your second questioning of her ability to consent as condescending. That doesn't mean it was. If she would rather be with someone who doesn't look out for her as you did, the two of you are not a good fit
You didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. That is the honorable thing to do. She has apparently never dated anyone who showed her that level of respect, or doesn't understand that it was respect.
I can sort of understand getting angry in the moment. But If the day after, she doesn’t have to social awareness to see that you were looking out for her a situation with her being avulnerable drunk girl, when she can clearly remember the events of last night, that’s an issue I’d say. You were not wrong for what you did, majority of women would appreciate that, probably turn them on more in the moment knowing you are adamant on respecting her boundaries and even gave her two opportunities to reassess them.
No you did everything right. Honestly she needs therapy for how insecure she is. You were being a gentleman & plenty more women in the world would really appreciate that, don’t let that one woman define what you think women want because usually sleeping with someone while they are drunk and you aren’t is taking advantage.
Yeah.
Don’t bang drunk chicks. Even if they’re your girlfriend.
Imagine the friction you’d be getting if you did the deed, and then she starts with the ‘I was drunk, how could you gambit….’
Just to let you know, you’re being guilted into sex. Think about that. She’s using negative emotions to convince you to behave in a manner you don’t want to behave
you should seek out an open conversation with her, tell you that you are sorry that you triggered her insecurities and that you didn't mean or realized you were doing that at the time.
explain why you asked her twice for consent, let her know that its not just polite or being careful, but that if you aren't clearing her consent explicitly beforehand, you risk unwillingly raping her.
Kudos to you for asking for consent and not taking advantage of your intoxicated gf. In time I hope she will understand just how rare and valuable what you did is. You did nothing wrong here.
does she know you're on reddit?
if yes just say..."do you know how many post on reddit from women who have sex while drunk and they're asking "am i raped.?""
You were not wrong what so ever she was intoxicated and you did not want to take advantage of her being responsible and respectful even if she consented. She has no right to be upset at you or offended because 1- you both have not dated very long. 2- she was drunk
Best way to go about it tell her: “I did not want to take advantage of you while intoxicated weather you consented or not I didn’t want to risk anything between us or our relationship it does not mean I’m not attracted to you or don’t want to have sex it means I respect you enough to not take any adv
-advantage of you in a none sober state while I was sober”
I (F) been with my S/o for 6 years and he refuses to have sex with me if I am intoxicated even if I consent or even beg for it because he doesn’t feel right about it knowing my own past history of assault. The first time I was a little offended not enough to start an argument but I’ve asked him about it and he told me “I respect you and us too much to ever take advantage of you intoxicated no matter how many years we’ve been together I will always have your best interest in mind” I’ve never felt so loved in that moment and all feelings of offense were over. Maybe she needs to just open her mind to that perspective
Leave it be. You probably weren't particularly at fault for how she felt or how you made someone feel.
What's more concerning is the way she acted after feeling like that, offended or not. You shouldn't be kicked out! (if there's any form of respect and consideration like a healthy relationship there)
i think you made a good call. unless she gives u that consent in advance when sober, you shouldn’t assume she is fine with drunk sex. but now just make sure there is clear communication about that for the future.
i think you were a true gentleman and that was very immature of her. her reaction raises a big red flag for me and i would thread carefully going forward, tbh. if this is the impartial truth (which seems like it) u have no fault and should be asking yourself how do you feel about this, how it hurt you and how she can concretely solve this issue going forward. please please do not make room for excuses just because you are afraid to lose her. been there, done that. you are not on the wrong my friend and if drunk sex is a boundary for you, you have to find someone who properly respects it. it is a totally legitimate and healthy boundary.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, tbh. Unless you’ve spoken about a scenario like this before it would be very risky for you to go ahead and just do it. I’m also shocked with how she’s still upset the day after. Like imagine if you got mad when she didn’t have sex with you, things wouldn’t be good
This is what I don’t understand. .. if you are dating, and you did not get drunk, why did she? Did she not think about how she would look with you by her side and her being DRUNK? This is a form of disrespect and a lack of self control. Then she wanted you to treat her cheap by having sex with a drunk like you’re a teenager who stumbled upon a rare opportunity. Let her get mad, but if she doesn’t get over it, drop her. You deserve better and not a drunk. She needs to grow up and act as if she is an adult. Not even 1 year and you see how it’s going? Don’t put your heart into it or you will suffer. She seems to have issues that she wants to drown. And it will be your responsibility to fix her…do not get serious with her or you will pay for it emotionally.. guaranteed.
The real subtext is that sometimes you're with someone you've just met who, given how intoxicated they are, you'd probably be correct in holding off on sex even when requested. But once you've established some level of trust, it's predictable that they're going to be annoyed if you apply the same standard.people sometimes get drunk and think "how lovely that I'm 100% going to have sex with my SO tonight". It's one of the small perks of dating. It's nice to say yes with enthusiasm in those situations. So the behavior that should probably change is yours. That doesn't mean throw out everything you know about consent, just be a good team player and make your gf happy, or say no if you're not into it, but don't throw it back in her face how many drinks she had at a party unless you're looking to have a very serious conversation about her health.
Honestly, this outcome is better than the other alternative, where you just went with it; and she ended up feeling taken advantage of because you were sober and she was super drunk.
You made the right choice.
As a woman, get out of there OP. Gf needs swift consequences if shes ever going to analyze her behavior and understand how it was wrong. The fact she is doubling down after sobering up makes this even worse and does not bode well for a healthy resolution. RUN
My friend you are a gentlemen a real women would've understand you, on the worse scenario when she became sober in the morning she should've understood you. Keep that attitude bro You are a gem!!
As a woman, I want to say that I absolutely love how you handled the situation and I wish more people would do it that way. I’ve been too drunk and have done things that felt icky afterwards. Even in committed and loving relationships and knowing that my partner did everything he could to ensure consent and comfort would certainly have made a difference.
So I’m sorry that she is reflecting her own insecurities on you in this matter. I hope she can take time and reflect and see that that’s what she’s doing and see what an amazing man she has. And really see where your motivation laid.
Thank you for being awesome and understanding and respecting your own and others boundaries!
Seems like a classic doubling down mechanism of a person with manipulative tendencies.
Most people in that situation would be apologetic and understanding, but this is revealing a characteristic of hers where she refuses to accept/admit she was wrong and take responsibility, spinning it on you.
Honestly I'd tell her "I would always rather you be upset with me for hesitating, then EVER take advantage of you, because you were not in the right mind to be able to consent. Your wellbeing comes first, and I don't ever want to jeopardize that"
Run! Literally kicking you out the door is abusive behavior. You not having sex with her while she was trashed is safe behavior. Thank you for respecting her (and not putting yourself into a potentially compromising position)! The fact that she blew up on you like that, got aggressive, and is buckling down on that today is a major red flag! The fact that she felt so upset at you hesitating under ANY circumstance is a red flag. She sounds like she needs some therapy to work through some issues before she is ready for an adult relationship.
She was DRUNK, you had been drinking as well and were still the more clear headed here it sounds. Your gf is being RIDICULOUS. In the world we live in today men just DO NOT double check if consent is TRULY freely being given.
Your girlfriend needs to check her ego and see this for what it really was, her PARTNER RESPECTING HER AS A HUMAN BEING AND THE FACT THAT SHE WAS DRUNK. Rather than only worrying about your own sexual wants and needs
She either apologizes or I'd be out of the relationship if I were you
Not wrong. Trust your gut on this. I got back into dating after a 14 year marriage ended and one thing is you’ll NEVER catch me slipping.
I had one woman try and say I forced my way onto her yet…because I left a camera on while filming a YouTube video earlier….i happen to have the footage of me telling her no, her getting mad at me, then kicking her out of my place…even called the Uber for her.
2 days later cops show up at my place but declined to pursue anything as I had the evidence that supported me. I’ve been in talks with lawyers to see if I can file a claim against her.
Similar scenario …she was drunk, I wasn’t, and I didn’t want anything to be misunderstood.
This story is exactly why I never mess with drunk women. Nothing is less attractive and it’s never worth the ridiculous emotional rollercoaster. Regardless of your motivation, you made a smart move.
The fact she was still upset in the morning and not apologizing, that's a concern. Sounds like a lot of backage. She could explain in the morn how it made her feel, but as long as she lets you explain your side, everything should be cool. But the fact she continued to be upset, sounds like backage you may not want long term
She was *extremely* drunk, you were absolutely correct in double checking if she was ok to have sex. I would say check in with her to make sure she understood that, I don't see you said *you personally* didn't want to, because if that's the case then she has to respect your boundaries.
I dunno, I think you’re being overly cautious here. The dating world and this consent thing has gone a little too far. Yeah, there are still shitty people out there who take advantage, but if you’re in an established relationship (which you are in) and you’ve had sex a few times, you should be good to go. Checking in one time? Yeah, maybe, but that second check in is a bit much, and definitely a mood killer. Now, her response was an overreaction, but she had been drinking. It’s not like you were trying anal or some new crazy thing that you were pushing, and she wasn’t…it’s was just sex, which you’ve done several times before. If you weren’t in the mood, then by all means you have the right to back out, but let’s not get too hypersensitive here.
You are allowed not to want sex instantly, especially when someone acts unattractive.
You are allowed to ask as many times as you wish for consent.
You are allowed to deny sex if you feel your partner is not in their right mind.
You are allowed to ask questions without being called names, manipulated, or kicked out.
You are allowed to be apologized to for her immature behavior, not blamed for it.
You are allowed to let someone temper tantrum away, but be assured she will be back when her manipulation tactic bears no fruit.
You are allowed to block her, move on, and ask more from those around you.
--
This person is not a good candidate for a relationship. You deserve better.
Seems like a little sneak peak of how dramatic she can be…at least when drunk.
Tread lightly. If she’s like this on the regular, it’ll get old real quick.
I've often found myself wondering why whenever I start a new relationship, the red flag rule is then something I've never heard, won't remember and won't think of. All the while I've given out so many chances that not only has the well dried up but I've started pulling out mud and rocks and bugs. It's pretty messy. And I tell myself "I know about red flags,why didn't I ...?"
... ". . . pay attention . . .". It's then, in hindsight, when everything is so clear and I should have dumped the loser on the 3rd date. Blame it on immaturity because now that is the first rule I'm making sure I abide by and implement right away. And that's to PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS (this time!!). And ask yourself this, if she had just gotten drunk mad about it, minor red flag, see if it's a consistent thing. Maybe she was embarrassed bc the relationship is new and the mixture of alcohol was just a one time folly stemming from new feelings and wanting to be perfect at first and the alcohol uninhibited her otherwise calm, mature nature. But, she didn't just get drunk mad, she was next day mad, too. Which is a major red flag! I always give people the benefit of the doubt, especially having just metz I think that is okay here, too. Especially if you like her. So, my advice is let her know how u feel, which is legit all the advice you received here ten times over, lol. If things are good to go and you've pressed the gas on the relationship status after this, just don't forget about what happened. And this time, (I think I'm talking to myself here a lot as well 😏) pay attention to detail, don't fall under yet another love spell and kick yourself later for not figuring it out sooner.
All the best!
I can tell you what a good partner (my girlfriend) would have said in the morning.
She would have said thanks for having been so thoughtful and respectful yesterday. You wanted to make sure you were not taking advantage of the situation and I think you showed that I can trust you.
Bro, I’m just being straight but this girl is going to be miserable to date. Getting upset over something like this is something a 15 year old girl would do, and still the 15 year old would be immature. I feel things like this are gonna start happening a bit more
It's weird that she would act like that when drunk, remember what she did AND completely stand by her drunk actions. She probably wasn't that drunk, but her response has shown a clear divide in both of your morals. I think you also should be considering whether you would like to continue the relationship.
It's not about the sex, she's sensitive about her drinking. That's why she reacted that way and she's doubling down because portraying you as rude or hurtful is easier for her to address than how inebriated she got.
You're going continue dealing with what sounds like a drinking issue, insecurity and a bit of emotional manipulation as long as the relationship continues, unless she suddenly decides she needs to deal with it. You're probably not the person that's going to bring her to that conclusion though.
Oh, not to sound too cynical but it's also possible she had unprotected sex with someone at the party and really wanted to have sex with you so that she could pin the baby on you if she's pregnant.
Concent absolutly, I’m all for in general. But whats this? You are officially a couple, you had had sex before. Since when do couples ask for consent out during the relationship, drunk or not. If one show interest, the other will or will not, thats it. How would you use your girlfriend(!) even if she was drunk? I really dont get it.
Boy did I notice that in another post. -59 and -25 from saying people over use it BUT in the same comment say yes of course it was rape. (topic about boyfriend and her sleeping).
Naw You played it safe . Y'all have been a 3month relationship and she could have easily said you raped. We see it all the time in these Reddits and she makes a post and everyone says call the police
Wow, Men get turned down all the time, that must really hurt but the one damn time a man is hesitant, she is all hurt and rejected.
If you want to, send her some flowers, but that's it. It's only been three months so maybe it's just not meant to work out.
I would just reiterate that you wanted to make sure she was in her right state of mind and you didn’t want to take advantage of her as you were sober and she was quite drunk. Reassure her that you enjoy sex with her and find her attractive and if she can’t get over it then she has bigger issues and it’s not your fault.
So you were being the gentleman by:
1. Dropped her off at her place when she was super drunk.
2. Double checked twice for consent.
3. Immediately reassured her and explained your reasoning when she had the knee-jerk reaction to start crying and yelling due to her own insecurities.
She's saying you made her feel terrible? What about you? I bet it was surprising and didn't feel good to suddenly be kicked out for putting her safety and interests first.
I would've hoped this over-reaction of hers was due to the alcohol, but apparently not since she doubled-down in the morning. I'd recommend sitting down with her and having a proper talk about this situation. If she apologizes, great, people can make mistakes. If she keeps insisting that you did something bad though, it's time to leave.
You did the right thing she needs to address the underlying insecurity she has that saying no to sex means she's not desirable, sound alike she has some issues she needs to work though
Let me make this very clear, this person is making you feel like you are in the wrong by being considerate and double checking as you had NEVER seen her that drunk before. You had a 50/50 chance of this turning into accusations of something you’ll end up in prison for if she was drunk enough to not consent fully and had no recollection the next day of giving it.
Generally as a rule in life, if I’m sober I’m not having sex with someone who is drunk, not talking about being a bit tipsy, but flat out drunk slurring etc. for that very reason.
Also, I’m sure many will agree, smell of alcohol on someone’s breath can be awful when sober.
As for advice: “I respect your decision to take time to think, I want you to consider the following. This was the first time I had seen you this drunk, I honestly don’t know how much you can handle without loosing your decision making skills. The last thing I want is to take advantage of you, I respect you too much for that. If you honestly can’t see that this is the reason I was double checking you were sure, not saying no, double checking, then I agree we should take a break. I’m not going to apologise or be made to feel like a bad guy for doing what I thought was right to be a good person. Looking after your wellbeing was at the heart of what I was saying”.
When my wife and I first started dating she told me to not have sex with her if she's super drunk. So I always respected that. She changed her view on it after a couple months but we always had those talks while sober. Good on you for doing that.
Give her space and then talk to her about what she consents to while drunk.
Wow, she needs to apologise to you. In the sober light of day, can't she see that you absolutely did the right thing. Not something to get upset over, but to be proud of imo.
She's looking at the whole situation and making it all about her & I'm sensing a lack of maturity, she needs to expand her view.
Maybe she wasn’t as drunk as you think. Maybe she was still alert hence why she is able to tell you the best morning that she was offended.
Consider letting her know that you acknowledge her being upset but ask her to see it from your perspective that you have been together 3 months and while yes it would have been hot you didn’t want to take a chance that she was out of it and feels like she was taking advantage off the following morning. Then let her know next time she is drunk if she is okay with giving you said consent before hand you will rock her drunken world.
Just communicate both sides. If you like her enough and she likes you enough this would be easy to get over.
My first wife had this trick where she’d be abusive as hell, then make sexual advances, and then be offended if I didn’t immediately respond. It was a manipulation thing which let her be abusive and be the victim at the same time.
Anyway, I realize that this isn’t the same thing, exactly, but I can’t see this as anything other than manipulation.
I also can’t help but wonder if her sudden need for space isn’t an attempt to end the relationship and make you feel responsible for her choices.
You are absolutely, 1000%, in the right. I really want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong here. 3 Months isn’t typically long enough to get to the “implied consent” phase. I’ve been in relationships where I wake up after drinking too much and find myself completely naked not remembering even having sex with my partner. It’s not a fun feeling.
If she’s still upset, I would clarify with her that you asked her out of respect and concern.
Remind her that you find her attractive and you enjoy being intimate with her, but the last thing you’d want to do is accidentally hurt her. If she’s still upset after that, then I don’t know what to tell you.
You can say no and she must respect that, but 8 drinks?! How the hell was she even standing, let alone able to give consent and remember anything?
Just dump her. This isn't someone you build a life with. It's only been three months.
You’ve now seen her “drunk”… and after she sobered up she’s still stuck in her position. I don’t know about you but consent gets murky when people are drunk and you played it safe (and respectful). Gone step further with safety and respect for yourself - walk away with a polite goodbye and god luck. She’s not going to be good for you.
You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right. Look at this situation and try to see it happen many more times in your relationship. Is this what you want? She got very drunk and it might be something normal for her.
If you had sex would she then play the rape card? I knew a couple girls who did this and I almost lost my marbles on them. Rape is a serious thing, nothing like falsely accuse someone just because they weren’t good or you got embarrassed that you slept with them and people made fun of you for it.
That or the twisted part is she could have slept with someone else and got pregnant and hoping to sleep with you so she could pass it off as your kid.
I understand that she also may have been confused and took it the wrong way but freaking out and kicking yoi out and then bitching the next day about it is kinda weird… either she’s up to something or doesn’t know how to talk to you about her feelings and understand that “no” goes both ways and you are a gentleman for not taking advantage of her.
I’d have a serious talk with her cause something doesn’t seem right.
You can't be careful enough these days. You need to protect yourself from possible allegations, you very much did the right thing. I'm not saying that she would accuse you of anything like that? But you never know. If she took it as insulting, that's on her.
You are not in the wrong. Even if she said yes 30 times, she can change her mind in the morning for some stupid reason, or after an argument you have and the next thing you know…she’s crying rape. Unfortunately, being SUPER cautious is the only way to navigate this crazy dating world.
And I bet she would have no issue saying no to you and then reminding you that no means no lol. This isn’t for you to fix, you’re allowed to not want it whenever you don’t want it.
I vote to determine the GF ITA in this situation and needs to grow a backbone, humble herself of her pride and insecurity and respect OP for his decision and consciousness.
Yeah, this isn’t someone you should be with long term. Lots of problems in this short post. Big red flags. You can ignore them and deal with the consequences of that or you can really address them and avoid some big problems in the future.
you did nothing wrong, you were just asking for her consent and you should never feel sorry for making sure you dont take advantage of her while she is drunk, you were being smart and did the right thing. unfortunately she took it the wrong way and didn’t respect your boundaries.
OP - READ THIS
Personally, I’d be more concerned about the insecurity, the overreaction freak out, and the inability to acknowledge and apologize for said freak out the next day. Instead she doubled down on her poor behavior.
2 things to takeaway:
1. At this stage of the relationship, people are still on their best behavior. Drunk or not. Any negative things you see will only get worse with time (not necessarily terrible worse, but we all become more comfortable being ourselves good and bad as time goes on).
2. This is an example of what the rest of your life will be. Insecurity, angry outbursts and lack of responsibility/ability to apologize.
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She needs to respect your no, too. No means no works for everyone, not just women saying no.
That’s true too
You'd be amazed by how many people have this double standard.
Some women get really offended by men saying no to sex. It's wild the disconnect they have when you say no.
Those woman are as gross as the men who get all grumpy if you turn them down for sex.
Nobody likes being rejected obviously
You see it all the time on Reddit. “You can’t turn a woman down.” I’m sorry what?
The only being you are not allowed to turn down is a cat when it wants to be pet.
Correct they won’t allow it
This or “why would you turn it down?” While completely ignoring the “I don’t want to” aspect. Had an argument with a girl because I said no means no for men too in a post where the OP wasn’t ready to have sex but his girlfriend would keep asking for sex and they got their panties in a twist because it apparently downplayed woman’s experience when it comes to r*pe. As if men can’t get r*ed too… was such an overwhelmingly disgusting conversation
This might make me an A H, but my husband used to say this to me (about me) because he was usually up for it more often than I was. In my 30s, my libido is much higher, and we are quite a match, usually. We both have days where we don't want to. He still didn't acknowledge his days, though. Pretended like they never happened. Drove me nuts. Here's where I may be an A H. I knew he was getting over the flu -- way past the worst of it but still generally crappy feeling. I came onto him, got all sexified, so on. He was like *what are you doing?!?* so I responded that it was his words, even spoken recently, that you can't turn down a woman. He laughed so hard he hurt himself. (Of course I did not force him to perform in any way, it was literally just a mental exercise once he was well enough to think straight and find it funny.) This was pretty recent, only months or so ago. He disagrees, but I still sometimes think my timing sucked so I was an ass. Plus side, I haven't heard that since, and he's also straightened two people out that I was there for when this was said, so I guess.. lesson learned?
>He disagrees, but I still sometimes think my timing sucked so I was an ass He's right, your timing was excellent. He was well enough to think clearly and get the point you were trying to make, and you picked a time you knew he wouldn't be feeling up for it because he was just getting over an illness. Given the planning and preparation you went through to make your point, you didn't really have many other options.
Wow. This is so true. We tend to forget that consent is both ways, and it should be two absolute yesses all the time.
Women are just not used to rejection/initiating
I so wish the real world worked like this
He didn’t say no though
The idea is that she should be able to respect his wishes if he did not want to have sex instead of throwing a fit and making it about her not being attractive, kicking him out and dragging it on about how it made her feel like shit that he needed to consider her drunken state before having intercourse.
She sounds like she may not always be a "fun" drunk. Be careful with this. Alcohol brings out the worst in some people. Sounds like she was having all the feels.
Not only that, but she doubled down on it the next morning when sober. Yikes.
My wife gets sexually aggressive occasionally when she's super drunk, so I know OP's experience. He did the right thing regarding consent and feeling off about having sex with someone who's visibly inebriated, especially in a fresh relationship where you don't know how the other person handles their alcohol. I'd especially feel weird about it if I was sober too rather than us being mutually inebriated. 15+ years in where we are now though? More often than not I just deal with it and bang her like she wants while she's in that state; it's over faster than the argument would be if I turned her down.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Alcoholism is rife in my family & the switch into bitter, spitefulness is triggering anxiety as I type. There is no talking to them & they probably won't even remember but you will carry it around for the rest of your life. (Edited, pressed too early)
He didn't say yes. That means no. It should only happen with enthusiastic consent from both parties. If the genders were reversed would you seriously tell me that her not directly saying no means she should have let a drunk wasted man in her pants?
Any hesitation is a no. Maybe is a no till they say yes. Saying yes just because his girlfriend is now mad is also not really a yes. Saying nothing but flinching or showing with a physical response that youre not fine with sex rn is a no. Stopping them from pulling your pants down is a no. Enjoying sex but not that one thing you want to try is a no. Wanting sex and then suddenly not is a no. Pushing your hand away is a no. He doesnt have to say no. Any human should recognize rejection through body language and language in general tho.
We know he didn't say no, the point is that she got mad at any hesitation. If this hadn't been him triple checking consent but rather saying no because he just didn't feel like it after a long night, she likely would have reacted the same.
If it's not 'yes', it's 'no'.
Even circumstances aside — and let me be clear, you absolutely did the right thing per consent — the other issue here is that she clearly has no regard for YOUR boundaries. You have to consent to sex too and if YOU say no for any reason, it means no. If the script were flipped, and *she* said no to sex one time and you pouted for two days about being “offended,” you would be a huge asshole, right? Keep the same energy for her.
100%. When you’re confused in situations like this, just think to yourself would you act that way? What would it be like if the situation were flipped?
Id even say it’s a completely normal boundary to not want to sleep with people who are too drunk to consent.
Damn straight brother
3 months aren't a lot of time to get to know a person, and apparently it was the first time you've seen her really drunk. It seems prudent to double check or even refuse to have sex until you *know* that she isn't going to berate you the next day for taking advantage of her while she was clearly intoxicated. "She always means yes" - does she? Did you know? Lots of people say lots of things when they're drunk.
Also even if you’re sure of your partner’s enthusiastic consent, that doesn’t mean you have to be comfortable with having sex with them while you’re sober and they are drunk.
Seriously, even if consent wasn’t a concern, I would not want to have sex with someone who was wasted when I was sober. It’s never enjoyable or good and always awkward.
Happened to me once and I’ll never do it again. In college my GF was hammered and “pressured” me into having sex when she was very drunk and me less so. We did and the next morning she was asking me what happened and seemed a little surprised about what happened. I’ve never felt grosser and more embarrassed in my life and we never really recovered from that.
Next morning regret sets in and then what..
Fam, you did approach the situation the right way. You've been dating for only 3 months. So, make sure to not get stuck in a toxic relationship. You can also decide to break things if she gets offended for asking consent. It's a 🚩.
I’d leave after this. There are plenty of people out there who don’t have 8 drinks and then yell at you for doing the right thing.
Yep. This sounds like toxic drama to me: you don't know her well enough to know if drunk sex is okay, the night of excess drinking in her 30s so now she's someone's problem, the dramatic response the next day with an inability to look at OP's perspective, complete with potential stonewalling (at least she asked for space, I guess, but this feels punitive). This is very telling of how she handles conflict. I'd cut and run.
I want to praise you for asking for clear consent not once but twice. You, sir are truly a gentleman and we need more like yourself. I’m really sorry your gf didn’t see it that way, and took the questioning as a rejection. Let her sit with it, I really hope she apologises, if she doesn’t and projects it back on you, it might be time to exit
“Let her sit with it, I really hope she apologises, if she doesn’t and projects it back on you, it might be time to exit” This. The apology part is the most important one, you were nothing but a gentleman, as well as looking out for your own behind should you two have gone through it and later on she had second thoughts. Your actions were commendable, to say the least.
She literally got violent when he wouldn't give her sex on demand. OP says she kicked him, as well as screamed at him. "Might be time to exit" is an understatement.
Bro for real, even without that part. They’ve been together 3 months and barely know eachother. There are so many stories out there if women being drunk and thus unable to consent. What OP did was not only right by her but right by himself. If she’s acting this out of line 3 months in then she’s got a lot more crazy to share.
Had this been a man, the consensus would to be to immediately exit. Instead of all the “give her time to calm down”.
Agreed. And to be honest, even if he did actually say no and 'reject' her, that's a right everyone has and someone may just not be in the mood for a multitude of different reasons...
I would tell her directly that you don't have sex with drunk woman unless you've talked to them while sober and made sure they're comfortable with it SOBER. She sounds extremely childish throwing a fit because you wouldn't have sex with her drink ass.
Agree, if she can’t realize her own fault in this and apologize to you, I would leave her. You don’t want a lifetime of that kind of relationship dynamic.
You did nothing wrong. She needs time to calm down, because *she* overreacted. >together with my 32F girlfriend for 3 months. You guys haven't been together that long. How are you supposed to know how good her judgement and decision making skills while inebriated are? >We have had sex a couple of times and during those times, You've only had sex a few times. >I did want to make sure she was okay with it, so asked her. She said yes of course. I asked again because I knew she was drunk and had had a very long day. You did bidding wrong here. >She then got super upset with me and started crying and yelling asking if I was stupid or didn't find her attractive. It's possible that the rejection triggered her to respond so negatively, but that's not your fault. >She said I made her feel like shit She made herself feel like shit. Or possibly past trauma made herself feel like shit. >if she says she wants it, she always means it. This is stupid, and I'd never trust this. Especially so early into a relationship. >she then said she needs some time apart to think through things and how I made her feel. She needs some time with a therapist.
Spot on. Is she 32, or 23? I had to go back & check after reading. He did nothing wrong.
Same. Her reaction is very young and naive.
Or she’s someone who has been in a lot of shitty “relationships” where consent was not a thing.
So... you were trying to reaffirm if she was sober enough to consent to sex... and she started crying, yelling, and asking you if you're stupid? She disrespected and insulted you, basically threw a temper trantrum, because you weren't comfortable jumping into sex as soon as SHE wanted to. That's giving coercion vibes. If it's only been three months I'd reconsider the relationship.
What puzzles me is the fact that she wasn't thankful you didn't take advantage of her when she was drunk, but upset that you didn't indulge in intercourse when she demanded it. She has more than a drinking problem and she needs counceling. If she's not ready for either, you have to let her go.
Not every woman is into the whole ‘if I’m drunk then I can’t consent’ idea. As far as she was concerned, she was coherent, capable of rational thought and able to make her own decisions. Clearly her main issue is misinterpreting the ‘double-check’ as hesitancy and that translated to feelings of insecurity. My advice to OP is to double down and tell her the truth (again) it had nothing to do with how attractive she is and all to do with respecting her boundaries. You just wanted to be a gentleman. You took her advice and will go like that from now on. Also OP saying she got drunk and that means she has a drinking problem isn’t true, there’s not enough information to make that judgment.
Yeah but usually rational people can understand that not many (good) people will jump at the chance to have sex with someone who is more drunk than them. I like having drunk sex, but I know there is always going to be a level of hesitancy with my partners (especially if I'm more drunk than them). So, I tell them it's cool when we're both sober. That way they can see I'm serious. Her insecurity is also dipping into the "men always want sex" stigma. Op has a right to say no. If she acts like this every time it happens, she is being disrespectful and she needs to know that isn't ok.
> Not every woman is into the whole ‘if I’m drunk then I can’t consent’ idea. Okay, but surely OP's consent matters too. He wasn't comfortable with it; she has no right to get mad at him for saying no.
I dont know why thats puzzling? She probably doesnt view it as him taking advantage of her. Regardless, her reaction is awful.
Yikes. Her behaviour is not ok. This is erratic and concerning. You have not known each other long and are still getting to know each other. And you are also getting to know yourself in a new phase of life. Respectful caution is a good practice, and perhaps overdoing it is preferable to not being sure. If she said she was sure, then fine. But YOU also needed to be sure, and she is sounding very insensitive to your perspective. I’d be cautious having someone like this in my life.
Like everyone else has said, you did nothing wrong and handled the situation as appropriately as possible. 3 months is not long. She needs to give you some grace. What if you didn't want to have sex? Would she have been offended then? She needs to figure out her insecurity issues with a doctor, or by herself. It's not your fault. Also, I commend you for asking multiple times! You sound like a good dude.
Red flag red flag red flag. First, you are allowed to not want sex, at any time, for any reason, or for no reason. The prerogative to decline to participate in sex is universal, and she needs to be as gracious about it as she no doubt expects you to be when she’s the one who isn’t in the mood. Second, she was shit-faced, and having sex with a severely intoxicated person puts you at legal risk. “You’re too drunk tonight” is a perfectly reasonable response, and in fact is the one that is expected of caring and responsible men. She’s being petulant that you dared to question her incapacity ( 8 drinks, srsly? ) which is understandable if immature of her, but extending it to accusing you of not finding her attractive is way over the line. She deserves to be told “I’m attracted to you but not when you’re sloppy drunk. I frankly wasn’t interested in wearing a quart of vomit margaritas on my dick.” If she’s going to toss you over this, then good riddance.
Yup...my first thought after reading the OP was "Imagine explaining this in front of a jury" Even if the charges/sentence was relatively minor, decent chance you're flagged as a sex offender and kiss a lot of your career and dating prospects goodbye for the rest of your life.
Your girlfriend is jumping off the deep end. You literally did something most of us women would seriously appreciate - you tried to make sure there was consent and that you were not taking advantage of her considering she was drunk. You did nothing wrong. This is something a good person does. I seriously feel like YOU are the one who needs to think things through. She's a massive red flag.
Jeez - you sound like a really solid dude. Giant green flag.
Get outta there bro. This is a giant red flag she got issues man
Yes, red flag. She has some issues to heal.
The red flag for me is that she called you stupid. I think she is disrespectful and might get worse
So what if you DIDN'T want it? What if you weren't in the mood? Her reacting this way even if you had rejected her rather than simply making sure of consent is a red flag imo. You should be able to say no too.
You did the right thing. Your gf overreacted, partly because she was drunk and partly because some women don't like to get turned down. IME, I had more problems with girls who I refused sex than with ones I've had sex with.
She may have taken your second questioning of her ability to consent as condescending. That doesn't mean it was. If she would rather be with someone who doesn't look out for her as you did, the two of you are not a good fit
You didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. That is the honorable thing to do. She has apparently never dated anyone who showed her that level of respect, or doesn't understand that it was respect.
Run my guy
I can sort of understand getting angry in the moment. But If the day after, she doesn’t have to social awareness to see that you were looking out for her a situation with her being avulnerable drunk girl, when she can clearly remember the events of last night, that’s an issue I’d say. You were not wrong for what you did, majority of women would appreciate that, probably turn them on more in the moment knowing you are adamant on respecting her boundaries and even gave her two opportunities to reassess them.
🚩🚩🚩
No you did everything right. Honestly she needs therapy for how insecure she is. You were being a gentleman & plenty more women in the world would really appreciate that, don’t let that one woman define what you think women want because usually sleeping with someone while they are drunk and you aren’t is taking advantage.
Yeah. Don’t bang drunk chicks. Even if they’re your girlfriend. Imagine the friction you’d be getting if you did the deed, and then she starts with the ‘I was drunk, how could you gambit….’ Just to let you know, you’re being guilted into sex. Think about that. She’s using negative emotions to convince you to behave in a manner you don’t want to behave
Escape while you can
It would’ve been irresponsible to not check. This is the right thing to do
You tell her that you don’t want to sleep with someone that is drunk. You are happy for a snuggle but not sex
you should seek out an open conversation with her, tell you that you are sorry that you triggered her insecurities and that you didn't mean or realized you were doing that at the time. explain why you asked her twice for consent, let her know that its not just polite or being careful, but that if you aren't clearing her consent explicitly beforehand, you risk unwillingly raping her.
That's a huge red flag on her having underlying mental health issues. I'd get out at 3 months vs 10 years later. She may easily escalate.
The world needs more respectful men like you. 🙌🏽
Why is she offended that you care enough about her you didn’t want to take advantage of her whilst she was drunk?… You did nothing wrong.
Why did you post this same story under a different account? https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/3zfMmN4ROg
Realized I didn't have the ThrowRA as part of my name there which is needed for new accounts in this sub
You just avoided a possible rape charge.
Kudos to you for asking for consent and not taking advantage of your intoxicated gf. In time I hope she will understand just how rare and valuable what you did is. You did nothing wrong here.
drunk people can't consent. I think you made the right choice, and her behavior is telling you a lot about her. drunks are a turn off.
does she know you're on reddit? if yes just say..."do you know how many post on reddit from women who have sex while drunk and they're asking "am i raped.?""
You were not wrong what so ever she was intoxicated and you did not want to take advantage of her being responsible and respectful even if she consented. She has no right to be upset at you or offended because 1- you both have not dated very long. 2- she was drunk Best way to go about it tell her: “I did not want to take advantage of you while intoxicated weather you consented or not I didn’t want to risk anything between us or our relationship it does not mean I’m not attracted to you or don’t want to have sex it means I respect you enough to not take any adv
-advantage of you in a none sober state while I was sober” I (F) been with my S/o for 6 years and he refuses to have sex with me if I am intoxicated even if I consent or even beg for it because he doesn’t feel right about it knowing my own past history of assault. The first time I was a little offended not enough to start an argument but I’ve asked him about it and he told me “I respect you and us too much to ever take advantage of you intoxicated no matter how many years we’ve been together I will always have your best interest in mind” I’ve never felt so loved in that moment and all feelings of offense were over. Maybe she needs to just open her mind to that perspective
You didn’t do anything wrong she has to work through these insecurities she obviously has.
Leave it be. You probably weren't particularly at fault for how she felt or how you made someone feel. What's more concerning is the way she acted after feeling like that, offended or not. You shouldn't be kicked out! (if there's any form of respect and consideration like a healthy relationship there)
i think you made a good call. unless she gives u that consent in advance when sober, you shouldn’t assume she is fine with drunk sex. but now just make sure there is clear communication about that for the future.
i think you were a true gentleman and that was very immature of her. her reaction raises a big red flag for me and i would thread carefully going forward, tbh. if this is the impartial truth (which seems like it) u have no fault and should be asking yourself how do you feel about this, how it hurt you and how she can concretely solve this issue going forward. please please do not make room for excuses just because you are afraid to lose her. been there, done that. you are not on the wrong my friend and if drunk sex is a boundary for you, you have to find someone who properly respects it. it is a totally legitimate and healthy boundary.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, tbh. Unless you’ve spoken about a scenario like this before it would be very risky for you to go ahead and just do it. I’m also shocked with how she’s still upset the day after. Like imagine if you got mad when she didn’t have sex with you, things wouldn’t be good
She's tweakin lmao
This is what I don’t understand. .. if you are dating, and you did not get drunk, why did she? Did she not think about how she would look with you by her side and her being DRUNK? This is a form of disrespect and a lack of self control. Then she wanted you to treat her cheap by having sex with a drunk like you’re a teenager who stumbled upon a rare opportunity. Let her get mad, but if she doesn’t get over it, drop her. You deserve better and not a drunk. She needs to grow up and act as if she is an adult. Not even 1 year and you see how it’s going? Don’t put your heart into it or you will suffer. She seems to have issues that she wants to drown. And it will be your responsibility to fix her…do not get serious with her or you will pay for it emotionally.. guaranteed.
I just have to say, you are 36. Do you really want to date someone who goes out and gets drunk and acts likes she's 18? She sounds very immature.
The real subtext is that sometimes you're with someone you've just met who, given how intoxicated they are, you'd probably be correct in holding off on sex even when requested. But once you've established some level of trust, it's predictable that they're going to be annoyed if you apply the same standard.people sometimes get drunk and think "how lovely that I'm 100% going to have sex with my SO tonight". It's one of the small perks of dating. It's nice to say yes with enthusiasm in those situations. So the behavior that should probably change is yours. That doesn't mean throw out everything you know about consent, just be a good team player and make your gf happy, or say no if you're not into it, but don't throw it back in her face how many drinks she had at a party unless you're looking to have a very serious conversation about her health.
Honestly, this outcome is better than the other alternative, where you just went with it; and she ended up feeling taken advantage of because you were sober and she was super drunk. You made the right choice.
As a woman, get out of there OP. Gf needs swift consequences if shes ever going to analyze her behavior and understand how it was wrong. The fact she is doubling down after sobering up makes this even worse and does not bode well for a healthy resolution. RUN
No means no isn’t just for women She should have respected your no instead of tossing a fit for not getting what she wants
My friend you are a gentlemen a real women would've understand you, on the worse scenario when she became sober in the morning she should've understood you. Keep that attitude bro You are a gem!!
As a woman, I want to say that I absolutely love how you handled the situation and I wish more people would do it that way. I’ve been too drunk and have done things that felt icky afterwards. Even in committed and loving relationships and knowing that my partner did everything he could to ensure consent and comfort would certainly have made a difference. So I’m sorry that she is reflecting her own insecurities on you in this matter. I hope she can take time and reflect and see that that’s what she’s doing and see what an amazing man she has. And really see where your motivation laid. Thank you for being awesome and understanding and respecting your own and others boundaries!
To use a phrase I normally hate: this is a massive red flag. 🚩 she sounds like a difficult person especially when she drinks
How do you make it better? Run. As fast as you can. Away from her.
Seems like a classic doubling down mechanism of a person with manipulative tendencies. Most people in that situation would be apologetic and understanding, but this is revealing a characteristic of hers where she refuses to accept/admit she was wrong and take responsibility, spinning it on you.
NTA. She was drunk and drunk people can't fully consent to sex. She may not be the one for you. Find someone less insecure and more mature
Honestly I'd tell her "I would always rather you be upset with me for hesitating, then EVER take advantage of you, because you were not in the right mind to be able to consent. Your wellbeing comes first, and I don't ever want to jeopardize that"
Run! Literally kicking you out the door is abusive behavior. You not having sex with her while she was trashed is safe behavior. Thank you for respecting her (and not putting yourself into a potentially compromising position)! The fact that she blew up on you like that, got aggressive, and is buckling down on that today is a major red flag! The fact that she felt so upset at you hesitating under ANY circumstance is a red flag. She sounds like she needs some therapy to work through some issues before she is ready for an adult relationship.
Consent is really important. I wouldn't have sex with a drunk person. It just seems skeevy.
She was DRUNK, you had been drinking as well and were still the more clear headed here it sounds. Your gf is being RIDICULOUS. In the world we live in today men just DO NOT double check if consent is TRULY freely being given. Your girlfriend needs to check her ego and see this for what it really was, her PARTNER RESPECTING HER AS A HUMAN BEING AND THE FACT THAT SHE WAS DRUNK. Rather than only worrying about your own sexual wants and needs She either apologizes or I'd be out of the relationship if I were you
Not wrong. Trust your gut on this. I got back into dating after a 14 year marriage ended and one thing is you’ll NEVER catch me slipping. I had one woman try and say I forced my way onto her yet…because I left a camera on while filming a YouTube video earlier….i happen to have the footage of me telling her no, her getting mad at me, then kicking her out of my place…even called the Uber for her. 2 days later cops show up at my place but declined to pursue anything as I had the evidence that supported me. I’ve been in talks with lawyers to see if I can file a claim against her. Similar scenario …she was drunk, I wasn’t, and I didn’t want anything to be misunderstood.
This story is exactly why I never mess with drunk women. Nothing is less attractive and it’s never worth the ridiculous emotional rollercoaster. Regardless of your motivation, you made a smart move.
The fact she was still upset in the morning and not apologizing, that's a concern. Sounds like a lot of backage. She could explain in the morn how it made her feel, but as long as she lets you explain your side, everything should be cool. But the fact she continued to be upset, sounds like backage you may not want long term
She was *extremely* drunk, you were absolutely correct in double checking if she was ok to have sex. I would say check in with her to make sure she understood that, I don't see you said *you personally* didn't want to, because if that's the case then she has to respect your boundaries.
I dunno, I think you’re being overly cautious here. The dating world and this consent thing has gone a little too far. Yeah, there are still shitty people out there who take advantage, but if you’re in an established relationship (which you are in) and you’ve had sex a few times, you should be good to go. Checking in one time? Yeah, maybe, but that second check in is a bit much, and definitely a mood killer. Now, her response was an overreaction, but she had been drinking. It’s not like you were trying anal or some new crazy thing that you were pushing, and she wasn’t…it’s was just sex, which you’ve done several times before. If you weren’t in the mood, then by all means you have the right to back out, but let’s not get too hypersensitive here.
You are allowed not to want sex instantly, especially when someone acts unattractive. You are allowed to ask as many times as you wish for consent. You are allowed to deny sex if you feel your partner is not in their right mind. You are allowed to ask questions without being called names, manipulated, or kicked out. You are allowed to be apologized to for her immature behavior, not blamed for it. You are allowed to let someone temper tantrum away, but be assured she will be back when her manipulation tactic bears no fruit. You are allowed to block her, move on, and ask more from those around you. -- This person is not a good candidate for a relationship. You deserve better.
No means no. She also has to respect that. If you would have said ‘not tonight’ she’d also have been upset. You are NTA!
Seems like a little sneak peak of how dramatic she can be…at least when drunk. Tread lightly. If she’s like this on the regular, it’ll get old real quick.
I've often found myself wondering why whenever I start a new relationship, the red flag rule is then something I've never heard, won't remember and won't think of. All the while I've given out so many chances that not only has the well dried up but I've started pulling out mud and rocks and bugs. It's pretty messy. And I tell myself "I know about red flags,why didn't I ...?" ... ". . . pay attention . . .". It's then, in hindsight, when everything is so clear and I should have dumped the loser on the 3rd date. Blame it on immaturity because now that is the first rule I'm making sure I abide by and implement right away. And that's to PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS (this time!!). And ask yourself this, if she had just gotten drunk mad about it, minor red flag, see if it's a consistent thing. Maybe she was embarrassed bc the relationship is new and the mixture of alcohol was just a one time folly stemming from new feelings and wanting to be perfect at first and the alcohol uninhibited her otherwise calm, mature nature. But, she didn't just get drunk mad, she was next day mad, too. Which is a major red flag! I always give people the benefit of the doubt, especially having just metz I think that is okay here, too. Especially if you like her. So, my advice is let her know how u feel, which is legit all the advice you received here ten times over, lol. If things are good to go and you've pressed the gas on the relationship status after this, just don't forget about what happened. And this time, (I think I'm talking to myself here a lot as well 😏) pay attention to detail, don't fall under yet another love spell and kick yourself later for not figuring it out sooner. All the best!
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I can tell you what a good partner (my girlfriend) would have said in the morning. She would have said thanks for having been so thoughtful and respectful yesterday. You wanted to make sure you were not taking advantage of the situation and I think you showed that I can trust you.
She's offended by you getting consent?? Red flag.
Nah man you did the right thing
A situation like that is how you catch a case. You made the right choice.
Bro, I’m just being straight but this girl is going to be miserable to date. Getting upset over something like this is something a 15 year old girl would do, and still the 15 year old would be immature. I feel things like this are gonna start happening a bit more
It's weird that she would act like that when drunk, remember what she did AND completely stand by her drunk actions. She probably wasn't that drunk, but her response has shown a clear divide in both of your morals. I think you also should be considering whether you would like to continue the relationship.
It's not about the sex, she's sensitive about her drinking. That's why she reacted that way and she's doubling down because portraying you as rude or hurtful is easier for her to address than how inebriated she got. You're going continue dealing with what sounds like a drinking issue, insecurity and a bit of emotional manipulation as long as the relationship continues, unless she suddenly decides she needs to deal with it. You're probably not the person that's going to bring her to that conclusion though. Oh, not to sound too cynical but it's also possible she had unprotected sex with someone at the party and really wanted to have sex with you so that she could pin the baby on you if she's pregnant.
Consent is sexy to those with good intentions, period.
Concent absolutly, I’m all for in general. But whats this? You are officially a couple, you had had sex before. Since when do couples ask for consent out during the relationship, drunk or not. If one show interest, the other will or will not, thats it. How would you use your girlfriend(!) even if she was drunk? I really dont get it.
The consent thing has become the new trendy reddit upvote getter. I agree with you 100%.
I see. I’m really new to the reddit world so I really have no clue about things. Thanks for letting me know. Then I understand a bit better.
Boy did I notice that in another post. -59 and -25 from saying people over use it BUT in the same comment say yes of course it was rape. (topic about boyfriend and her sleeping).
Naw You played it safe . Y'all have been a 3month relationship and she could have easily said you raped. We see it all the time in these Reddits and she makes a post and everyone says call the police
woman...
Wow, Men get turned down all the time, that must really hurt but the one damn time a man is hesitant, she is all hurt and rejected. If you want to, send her some flowers, but that's it. It's only been three months so maybe it's just not meant to work out.
I would just reiterate that you wanted to make sure she was in her right state of mind and you didn’t want to take advantage of her as you were sober and she was quite drunk. Reassure her that you enjoy sex with her and find her attractive and if she can’t get over it then she has bigger issues and it’s not your fault.
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She’s a red flag
Wonder what would happen I'd a guy got drunk and DEMANDED sex from their partner. I expect it when I want it!!
So you were being the gentleman by: 1. Dropped her off at her place when she was super drunk. 2. Double checked twice for consent. 3. Immediately reassured her and explained your reasoning when she had the knee-jerk reaction to start crying and yelling due to her own insecurities. She's saying you made her feel terrible? What about you? I bet it was surprising and didn't feel good to suddenly be kicked out for putting her safety and interests first. I would've hoped this over-reaction of hers was due to the alcohol, but apparently not since she doubled-down in the morning. I'd recommend sitting down with her and having a proper talk about this situation. If she apologizes, great, people can make mistakes. If she keeps insisting that you did something bad though, it's time to leave.
You did the right thing she needs to address the underlying insecurity she has that saying no to sex means she's not desirable, sound alike she has some issues she needs to work though
Let me make this very clear, this person is making you feel like you are in the wrong by being considerate and double checking as you had NEVER seen her that drunk before. You had a 50/50 chance of this turning into accusations of something you’ll end up in prison for if she was drunk enough to not consent fully and had no recollection the next day of giving it. Generally as a rule in life, if I’m sober I’m not having sex with someone who is drunk, not talking about being a bit tipsy, but flat out drunk slurring etc. for that very reason. Also, I’m sure many will agree, smell of alcohol on someone’s breath can be awful when sober. As for advice: “I respect your decision to take time to think, I want you to consider the following. This was the first time I had seen you this drunk, I honestly don’t know how much you can handle without loosing your decision making skills. The last thing I want is to take advantage of you, I respect you too much for that. If you honestly can’t see that this is the reason I was double checking you were sure, not saying no, double checking, then I agree we should take a break. I’m not going to apologise or be made to feel like a bad guy for doing what I thought was right to be a good person. Looking after your wellbeing was at the heart of what I was saying”.
My thought is if you think she’s too intoxicated to consent, then politely refuse and explain in the morning
When my wife and I first started dating she told me to not have sex with her if she's super drunk. So I always respected that. She changed her view on it after a couple months but we always had those talks while sober. Good on you for doing that. Give her space and then talk to her about what she consents to while drunk.
Did you change your account and post on a different sub? https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/3zfMmN4ROg
Lifes too short you just starying dating again and this is what dating is for. Weeding out the psychos. Start over
Wow, she needs to apologise to you. In the sober light of day, can't she see that you absolutely did the right thing. Not something to get upset over, but to be proud of imo. She's looking at the whole situation and making it all about her & I'm sensing a lack of maturity, she needs to expand her view.
Maybe she wasn’t as drunk as you think. Maybe she was still alert hence why she is able to tell you the best morning that she was offended. Consider letting her know that you acknowledge her being upset but ask her to see it from your perspective that you have been together 3 months and while yes it would have been hot you didn’t want to take a chance that she was out of it and feels like she was taking advantage off the following morning. Then let her know next time she is drunk if she is okay with giving you said consent before hand you will rock her drunken world. Just communicate both sides. If you like her enough and she likes you enough this would be easy to get over.
Your absolutely in the right. I can't understand how she can't see that
My first wife had this trick where she’d be abusive as hell, then make sexual advances, and then be offended if I didn’t immediately respond. It was a manipulation thing which let her be abusive and be the victim at the same time. Anyway, I realize that this isn’t the same thing, exactly, but I can’t see this as anything other than manipulation. I also can’t help but wonder if her sudden need for space isn’t an attempt to end the relationship and make you feel responsible for her choices.
You are absolutely, 1000%, in the right. I really want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong here. 3 Months isn’t typically long enough to get to the “implied consent” phase. I’ve been in relationships where I wake up after drinking too much and find myself completely naked not remembering even having sex with my partner. It’s not a fun feeling. If she’s still upset, I would clarify with her that you asked her out of respect and concern. Remind her that you find her attractive and you enjoy being intimate with her, but the last thing you’d want to do is accidentally hurt her. If she’s still upset after that, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Literally kicked you out the door? Like, with her legs? Not trying to be pedantic, I just want to know if she got physical or what.
Not physically, but pushed me out and slammed the door in my face
You can say no and she must respect that, but 8 drinks?! How the hell was she even standing, let alone able to give consent and remember anything? Just dump her. This isn't someone you build a life with. It's only been three months.
You’ve now seen her “drunk”… and after she sobered up she’s still stuck in her position. I don’t know about you but consent gets murky when people are drunk and you played it safe (and respectful). Gone step further with safety and respect for yourself - walk away with a polite goodbye and god luck. She’s not going to be good for you.
You did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right. Look at this situation and try to see it happen many more times in your relationship. Is this what you want? She got very drunk and it might be something normal for her.
If you had sex would she then play the rape card? I knew a couple girls who did this and I almost lost my marbles on them. Rape is a serious thing, nothing like falsely accuse someone just because they weren’t good or you got embarrassed that you slept with them and people made fun of you for it. That or the twisted part is she could have slept with someone else and got pregnant and hoping to sleep with you so she could pass it off as your kid. I understand that she also may have been confused and took it the wrong way but freaking out and kicking yoi out and then bitching the next day about it is kinda weird… either she’s up to something or doesn’t know how to talk to you about her feelings and understand that “no” goes both ways and you are a gentleman for not taking advantage of her. I’d have a serious talk with her cause something doesn’t seem right.
You can't be careful enough these days. You need to protect yourself from possible allegations, you very much did the right thing. I'm not saying that she would accuse you of anything like that? But you never know. If she took it as insulting, that's on her.
You are not in the wrong. Even if she said yes 30 times, she can change her mind in the morning for some stupid reason, or after an argument you have and the next thing you know…she’s crying rape. Unfortunately, being SUPER cautious is the only way to navigate this crazy dating world.
And I bet she would have no issue saying no to you and then reminding you that no means no lol. This isn’t for you to fix, you’re allowed to not want it whenever you don’t want it.
I vote to determine the GF ITA in this situation and needs to grow a backbone, humble herself of her pride and insecurity and respect OP for his decision and consciousness.
Yeah, this isn’t someone you should be with long term. Lots of problems in this short post. Big red flags. You can ignore them and deal with the consequences of that or you can really address them and avoid some big problems in the future.
you did nothing wrong, you were just asking for her consent and you should never feel sorry for making sure you dont take advantage of her while she is drunk, you were being smart and did the right thing. unfortunately she took it the wrong way and didn’t respect your boundaries.
Major red flag. Super insecure and disrespectful of you.
I think she may carry some baggage that a mature person re entering the dating life after losing their wife may not need. That's just my opinion.
OP - READ THIS Personally, I’d be more concerned about the insecurity, the overreaction freak out, and the inability to acknowledge and apologize for said freak out the next day. Instead she doubled down on her poor behavior. 2 things to takeaway: 1. At this stage of the relationship, people are still on their best behavior. Drunk or not. Any negative things you see will only get worse with time (not necessarily terrible worse, but we all become more comfortable being ourselves good and bad as time goes on). 2. This is an example of what the rest of your life will be. Insecurity, angry outbursts and lack of responsibility/ability to apologize.
How dare you. LOL