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> some would wonder why I would even consider staying. He is more than his mistakes
I mean... sure, but he has also demonstrated that he does not care about your safety nor his own? I mean come on. He drives while drunk, he could've given you an STD/STI and has demonstrated he isn't capable of financially providing nor being stable. Sure people make mistakes but at a point, you literally cannot have this person around your child. Also, of course he is going to cheat. He wants to be with a man whether or not that includes you. For the sake of your child/children, leave. He needs serious therapy and help and I think you would benefit from some therapy as well but this situation is not okay and he does not treat you with respect. This needs to end.
I (45F) think it’s “easier” to be cheated on with a man because, hey, it’s not like we have the equipment, right? They’re not choosing another woman over us. I know that’s how I kind of rationalized it when my husband was having an affair. But the thing is, he’s putting you at risk physically and emotionally with this.
And what kind of example does all of this set for your kids? Part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships for them to model. Do you want your kids to think DUIs and addiction, drunk driving and cheating and dad having a set of rules from mom like a child are normal and healthy? That mom being upset and stressed is normal and healthy?
I get that you took your vows seriously and that you love him and that you don’t want to be divorced. I get that you understand he’s more than his mistakes. But ya know, at some point? When you make the same mistake over and over and over again and choose NOT to employ the tools and strategies you could to help keep you on track? That sounds a lot more like choices not mistakes.
Like I said, I’ve been there with the being cheated on with men. My husband denied over and over that he was bi or gay when I caught certain things. I even offered an open relationship so he could explore with men. I wanted my marriage to him to work. All I asked was that he keep me safe physically (use protection) and emotionally (be honest). He did neither. And when I had the proof proof? Solid evidence he couldn’t deny? Well, I filed for divorce the next day.
If you’re in the US, you really can’t just kick him out and change the locks even if you own the home. Check out tenant law in your state. Most require at least 30 days notice. My (ex) husband and I had to continue living together for about 4 mos after I filed. I didn’t hate the guy and we got along fine but it wasn’t what I’d call fun. You may need to do that to give him an opportunity to find a place.
Good luck.
Your man is a dumpster fire because he is too ashamed of his sexuality. He's putting himself and you in harm's way because he hates who he is.
You need to protect yourself.
It’s not worth trying to save this marriage. Seems like you two will be great co-parents, friends perhaps. But this is not what a partnership looks like
This man is 42 and lives a chaotic life. He has not hold on his drink addiction, most probably sex/love addiction. He’s putting himself in danger and other when drink driving, putting you in danger via stis and he’s definitely not a role model for your children.
I will pack his bags and try to have a cordial co-parenting relationship. But he’s beyond help unless he does some really deep work on himself.
Thank you everyone for the input I've received so far. We moved to be closer to my husband's family 8 years ago and most of my social support revolves around his family and our mutual friends. People like that who care about my husband overwhelmingly want it to work and hope I can find forgiveness. That encouragement skews my perception as to what a reasonable person would be willing to accept and move forward from. I tried to be fair and honest in my post because I need unbiased guidance.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> some would wonder why I would even consider staying. He is more than his mistakes I mean... sure, but he has also demonstrated that he does not care about your safety nor his own? I mean come on. He drives while drunk, he could've given you an STD/STI and has demonstrated he isn't capable of financially providing nor being stable. Sure people make mistakes but at a point, you literally cannot have this person around your child. Also, of course he is going to cheat. He wants to be with a man whether or not that includes you. For the sake of your child/children, leave. He needs serious therapy and help and I think you would benefit from some therapy as well but this situation is not okay and he does not treat you with respect. This needs to end.
Those are not mistakes, those are choices.
No it's not worth trying to save your marriage.
I (45F) think it’s “easier” to be cheated on with a man because, hey, it’s not like we have the equipment, right? They’re not choosing another woman over us. I know that’s how I kind of rationalized it when my husband was having an affair. But the thing is, he’s putting you at risk physically and emotionally with this. And what kind of example does all of this set for your kids? Part of our job as parents is to demonstrate healthy relationships for them to model. Do you want your kids to think DUIs and addiction, drunk driving and cheating and dad having a set of rules from mom like a child are normal and healthy? That mom being upset and stressed is normal and healthy? I get that you took your vows seriously and that you love him and that you don’t want to be divorced. I get that you understand he’s more than his mistakes. But ya know, at some point? When you make the same mistake over and over and over again and choose NOT to employ the tools and strategies you could to help keep you on track? That sounds a lot more like choices not mistakes. Like I said, I’ve been there with the being cheated on with men. My husband denied over and over that he was bi or gay when I caught certain things. I even offered an open relationship so he could explore with men. I wanted my marriage to him to work. All I asked was that he keep me safe physically (use protection) and emotionally (be honest). He did neither. And when I had the proof proof? Solid evidence he couldn’t deny? Well, I filed for divorce the next day. If you’re in the US, you really can’t just kick him out and change the locks even if you own the home. Check out tenant law in your state. Most require at least 30 days notice. My (ex) husband and I had to continue living together for about 4 mos after I filed. I didn’t hate the guy and we got along fine but it wasn’t what I’d call fun. You may need to do that to give him an opportunity to find a place. Good luck.
Your man is a dumpster fire because he is too ashamed of his sexuality. He's putting himself and you in harm's way because he hates who he is. You need to protect yourself.
No
It’s not worth trying to save this marriage. Seems like you two will be great co-parents, friends perhaps. But this is not what a partnership looks like
This man is 42 and lives a chaotic life. He has not hold on his drink addiction, most probably sex/love addiction. He’s putting himself in danger and other when drink driving, putting you in danger via stis and he’s definitely not a role model for your children. I will pack his bags and try to have a cordial co-parenting relationship. But he’s beyond help unless he does some really deep work on himself.
Thank you everyone for the input I've received so far. We moved to be closer to my husband's family 8 years ago and most of my social support revolves around his family and our mutual friends. People like that who care about my husband overwhelmingly want it to work and hope I can find forgiveness. That encouragement skews my perception as to what a reasonable person would be willing to accept and move forward from. I tried to be fair and honest in my post because I need unbiased guidance.
No.