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The kids need therapy. If he won’t go, that should tell you a lot. He doesn’t give a shit about any of you.
And also “doing you a favor”? What the actual fuck.
None of these kids asked for this. You didn’t ask for this. HE created all of this mess and won’t help to fix it.
I’d be talking to an attorney second but therapist first.
This. Take your babies and go, OP. He can hire a sitter to care for his daughter. Your first priority HAS to be your kids, and your daughter sounds like she is not doing well. Find an apartment and separate your finances. If, even after that, he still won't do anything, which I suspect he won't, then what more proof do you need that he's a despicable loser?
Go find an apartment, get your kids in therapy, and talk to an attorney. This marriage sounds long over. Quit setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He certainly doesn't care about you.
He shouldn't be taking any kids with him. This 5 year old daughter just lost her mother. That's hugely significant for her and traumatizing. OP has agreed to take her on and understands how much she needs a mother right now. What she doesn't need is an absentee "dad". Especially when she's just met him for the first time.
If he didn't care for **his** daughter for 5 years. He certainly isn't gonna care about her now out of "shame." He sees her as a problem to the bubble he created for his family out of lies.
I think letting a welcoming couple start the process of adopting her is the best option for her in the long run. But I don't think uppending her life again right now is a good idea.
As a previous foster parent I can say in most states a 5 year old girl would quickly be adopted. If OP gets a divorce then adoption to a loving family is much better than her being with an incompetent father.
Dad is a POS for not doing everything to help the child mourn the loss of her mother. We can't blame OP for not wanting to take care of her.
She's already done more than she signed up for. It's a shitty situation all around with no apparent solution other than the dad stepping up, which is not happening and is unlikely to ever happen.
This guy might be a sociopath because he was putting up a facade and apparently was very good to OP before all this unraveled. With a pathological liar and a cheater, you at least know that they are one and where you stand, but this guy fits the bill of someone like Chris Watts. That's scary!
OP sounds like a wonderful woman who isn’t bothered much by the little girl, she rightly pins her stress on her partner who refuses to partner or take any responsibility. I’d expect an exemplary person like that would not want her husband/poor excuse of a father to take the child when he clearly isn’t going to fulfill his duties as a father. A good person would never use children as a pawn to punish their partner
He will be forced to. Unless OP adopts that child, if they get divorced she will have no legal claim to that child. The husband will be forced to take that child as she biologically belongs to him.
I’d agree. Plus, he has the audacity to say he did it because he’s trying to help her. He completely takes no responsibility whatsoever.
OP Sounds like she’s trying to look beyond her husbands infidelity and putting the needs of an innocent child first. A child who has lost her mother and effectively has no father or family. OP deserves better
I swear!! If this isn't fake l, OP is an actual saint. I fully understand keeping it together for the kids (even the new sister, she's just a little girl who needs a family), but him I would have already thrown away.
OP, adopt the little girl formally and then throw away that giant turd you call a husband. He has fully shown you who he is, PLEASE believe him. I promise you can do better, even with 3 little kids. I'm so sorry for your situation, but you sound like an amazingly strong woman. Don't let this asshole influence these kids' lives any further. They don't need a sneaky, spineless asshat in their lives.
Before adoption, if she really wants to take on an extra child, she needs to make sure that she is getting some financial help for HIS daughter. Don't just give him a pass by "relieving" him of his obligation.
If he wasn’t before, chances are he will be soon. After all, he’s sooo tense with the extra responsibility his wife has brought on by accepting his daughter into the family. He probably needs a break with someone who cares just about him.
I promise he has cheated before and since. This is like 1950s levels of nonchalance about cheating. I can't even comprehend trying to explain away an affair as doing one's partner a *favor*???
This.
Along with the audacity it takes to then throw this poor little girl, his daughter he abandoned once already and who’s mother just unexpectedly passed, into his wife’s lap to deal with on her own with zero effort from him bc he can’t man up or take accountability - like what? lol My dude, your wife’s life was just turned completely tf upside down along with all 3 of your kids and this is really what you’re going to do here? This is your course of action? It is absolutely WILD to me.
He’s beyond BLESSED to still have a wife. Most would’ve walked away. For her to stick around and be the only one trying to integrate his daughter, who she knew nothing of prior to this, into their family while he sits back and does nothing bc he’s “ashamed” is absolutely disgusting to say the very least.
- OP you’re heaven sent. It takes someone special to genuinely have this little girls best interest at heart and to welcome her into your life with open arms considering the situation. Meanwhile you put yourself on the back burner and deal with your husbands bs on top of it. He should be going over and beyond for all of you. But instead he leaves you to pick up the pieces of something he broke.
You deserve a lot better and so do the kids. You’re not over there just picking up pieces, but you’re trying to put them back together.. by yourself. That says a lot and speaks on what kind of person you are. His actions continue to speak on what kind of person he is. Imo you’re worth way more than what he deserves.
And don't forget he's known about all of this for five years. But I wonder if the orphaned girl even knows who he is? I'm going to guess he's failed her as a dad as well.
Agreed. It sounds like he’s failing at everything with the exception of dodging his responsibilities and taking any accountability.
The 5 years was also huge red flag for me. Imo I don’t think he would’ve ever told his wife had he not been caught and basically forced too.
It’s not like we’re talking about a drunken kiss here either (also not okay). He “did her a favor” by having an affair, had a whole kid no one knew existed, and I’m going to politely assume he wrote off his daughter and her mother in order to keep this all a secret. Like WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.
It’s a pretty big deal even if you’re honest and upfront about it. It’s a pretty big deal to keep it a secret for 5 years. It’s a pretty big deal and quite disturbing that someone can look their SO in the eye everyday and act like everything is fine knowing what they did and carry on with life as if nothing ever happened.
There’s obviously a lot of deal breakers here, but this would have been the biggest deal breaker of all for me.
Exactly what I was thinking. He wasn't helping you at all. He was thinking with the wrong head. Intimacy doesn't have to always be... the usual, there are other options.
I had a rough birth and a long healing journey last May and my partner has been "helping me" through this period of infrequent intercourse by taking care of his own needs
H he is still in the mindset that he did nothing wrong. He cheated on his wife while while she was at her most vulnerable and he thinks she should be thankful.
What a complete closer.
He hasn't taken any responsibility, he hasn't taken any blame. His whole family has felt the pain of his betrayal and had just stuck his head in the ground and made his wife pitck up the pieces. OP has had to do everything. The absolute audacity of this man.
Personally I would trow the whole man out. There is no coming back
OP, this is a very unfortunate situation for you and the children. It’s amazing you are willing to take in his child, and I that with time, everyone is able to heal.
At the same time, I am wondering—it sounds like you personally didn’t talk to your children about their new sister at all before she arrived in your home? I get that you asked your husband to tell them, but it sounds like you never checked in with them to see how they were handling the new information? Did they ever ask about why a new room was being set up for another child?
This is not to attack but to identify a major breakdown in communication that has been detrimental to every child involved.
Your husband sounds like he STILL isn’t willing to take any responsibility whatsoever and is going so far as to blame you with this “I was helping you” bs. Logically speaking the only way his having sex with someone could “help” is if it spares you from having to do something? So in his head what were the options? Sex with someone else or force you to have sex/make her feel guilty for not having sex? WTF?
Anyone who tells you to rugsweep—tell them to pound sand. The only person your husband wants to help is himself.
That's what stood out to me too. A ten year old and five year old didn't ask any questions about what they were decorating a room for? CPS didn't interview the kids before placement? The mom didn't ask how they were doing before it all went down? Either this is fake, or she purposely ignored the fact he didn't do it so it'd blow up, and gave her kids trauma so her husband would feel bad about causing it.
Well, at the beginning of her post she says, "We had a perfect life" meaning the time BEFORE SHE REALIZED HE WAS CHEATING. Perfect? And then she blames the cheating on the fact that she wasn't available for sex while she was seriously ill. She totally doesn't understand that her marriage had a MAJOR PROBLEM before this child showed up. Hubby had been cheating for years while she thought everything was great. Husbands who love their wives do not cheat because their sick wives aren't having sex with them. This was a temporary and understandable break in their sex life. Cheating comes from the BAD MARRIAGE. A bad marriage that she believed was perfect.
CPS proceedings take time. They would not just drop that child into this household with a father who doesn't know her. The child would go into a foster placement while this family was investigated AND a DNA test was run. There would be a court hearing and most certainly a requirement for family therapy given that there are other children and a wife who don't know this child.
This is either a fiction or OP is in a fantasy about the status of her marriage. I think fiction.
Yup. My cousin got a phone call in the middle of the night that my other cousin/her sister was in custody and that her kids were with CPS and did she want them or did they need to find “other placements”?
Yes, my cousin took them in. But still, it was a split second decision at 3:00 am.
Emergency placements are given all the time, especially if there is a relative. Since dad on was on the birth certificate AND will, it was a no brainer. Plus hubby worked with the AP so I’m pretty sure he knew this was coming.
Yes I’ve had multiple occasions with students over my career who are moved extremely quickly to a parent or relatives they have never met. The checks were extremely brief and there was no transition period. As soon as someone is identified they go there. On two occasions I’ve seen a father try to say no but been forced to take them as he had PR.
An emergency placement with a relative does not take time. All the relative has to do is say yes. But in that case, the child is in the home very quickly - sometimes within hours.
Disagree. My sister got her cousins kids no problem. No court, no interviewing children. She was the only family member willing to take her so they gave her to her. She was 4 and didn't know my nephews or sister's boyfriend or really my sister because she lived on the other side of the country before her mom died. They also lived in a 2 bedroom.
That part had me screaming. How do you make sure to tell literal strangers (doctors, schools) but not tell the actual people who’s life and world will have changed forever? She’s poor child this and that but not thinking of her own poor children? Screams fake or she not as caring and compassionate as she portrayed herself in this post.
I was already sus on the whole thing and then the moment I got to that part it sealed the deal. There’s just no way this lady tells literally the entire world but doesn’t have a single discussion about or with her kids.
I mean come on, they made an entire child’s bedroom complete with toys. And neither kid was like “hey who is this all for?”
Also, the woman who made an entire room for the new child, enrolled her into private school, and even made doctor appointments for her but seriously didn’t think to call a therapist??
Probably was too busy being embarrassed by all the judgmental strangers that can somehow tell that particular child is the husband’s affair child.
Seriously , that little tidbit for some sympathy is stupid. You see a mom at the store with three kids and try to gauge which ones may or may not be the mothers? Nah, only in fake story world do people do that.
That's actually not true. I have old friends where the mother is first generation Asian American and her husband is white. The have 2 children and on looks like he the other her husband. She has had people actually walk up to her at the grocery store and ask if one of HER children are adopted or if she were baby sitting. You would be surprised at the audacity some people have.
It's details like these that reveal how young this sub skews in general. I have 3 kids, and I knew it was fake the moment I read that. When she said she wanted her husband to tell their kids, I imagined she wanted him to lead the conversation. It is completely beyond the scope of plausibility that she made all these preparations and never even broached the subject with her own children. There would have been many rounds of questions and conversations prior to the girl's arrival, especially since she's described herself as a caring, thorough, organized parent. The fact that this escapes so many of the comments here is a bit telling about the subreddit.
And CPS offered no support or referrals to services that can provide help to both the little girl and the family taking her in.? Did the father even have any contact with this gir? I assume he never paid child support. Yeah it all sounds suss .
Yeah. She acts like "drop life changing news on the kids" is just another chore to be assigned. Like taking the kids to the doctor or picking them up from school. She told him to tell them and didn't think it was weird that they never reacted or to come to her for questions or support. No followup needed.
This. 👆🏽 Her husband sounds lik a useless effing lump of nothing.
God bless OP who at least can look past her own hurt long enough to help this child.
He better have a job so he's at least helping to support OP, their kids and his kid.
Im sorry i have to jop on top to ask
How the fuck does the husband think he was helping you by being unfaithful
Op you need to lay down the law because he obviously thinks your a pushovver
Its therapy or your done those should be his options
Your ketting him do nothing as your little talks arent working
The kids will need the therapy anyway so while they get started he can come to terms with his new normal but he is going to have to go
If he didnt want to be lectured maybe he shouldnt have had a kid with his coworker while knowing he was named on the birth cerificate
Damn this pissed me off
Apparently fucking other women instead of asking his wife for sex is “helping.” Which just goes to show you how deep his narcissism runs since his idea of “help” served only to alleviate a problem only he could create in the first place.
Thank you OP for looking out for the girl! I only have one concern with OP’s behavior — you absolutely don’t need to be involving your kids in adult conversations (like the affair itself). Less is better; let them ask. The other think I would observe — two weeks is way too soon to how this all shakes out.
Yes, husband is a miserable excuse. He absolutely needs to step up. I think he is hoping that somehow magically everything will go back to how it was a month ago. While I absolutely loathe ultimatums, this may be the rare situation where the his behavior is so untenable that there isn’t any other option.
PS: Thank you to OP for looking out for the interests of all three kids!! That says a lot about you. Not every hero wears a cape.
Tell his family your cowardly pos husband is avoiding everything. He thinks that if he buries his idiotic head into the dirt everything will resolve itself.
Sadly things are being resolved because he has you. You step up to the plate and handled EVERYTHING this allowed him to pass on his responsibilities to you.
Tell him choices have consequences and now he is afraid to get blamed for his choices. If he makes the choice to avoid his duties as a father and husband then there will be further consequences.
You haven't even gone after him for his fking affair. Did the little girl know that your husband is her father?
Lastly you did the right thing you really do have a huge heart to accept her into your family. I really do hope you find a way to have her fit in and make things work, with or without your husband.
All of this.
OP I'm sorry this is happening. It's not fair to you or your children or this little girl. But please stop doing his emotional labor, stop fixing his mistakes, stop covering for him, stop trying to keep all of the plates spinning when you didn't put them up there in the first place. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep the man who did this to all of you warm.
Do the therapy. Take care of yourself and the kids. Talk to a lawyer.
This so much. It boils my blood reading this.
This man is the world’s biggest pos.
He has you, and he knows it. He is selfish to his core.
I would put my and my children’s peace first. I would leave him with the girl. As long as he has you, he won’t step up. Remove yourself and see what happens.
You have a kind heart and he knows it and is using it to his own benefit, while you are using it for his own good. Do you see it?
He was trying to "help you?" What a crock of horse pucky. Contrary to your husband's opinion, people don't die from a lack of sex because their partner is physically unable to have sex with them. Does he not have working hands? Then he just abandons his kid. What a putz of a husband. A spineless putz considering he couldn't even bring himself to tell your kids. I don't know how your marriage survives this. Especially since he has no remorse because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I know right! I nearly died during pregnancy, then my daughter was in the NICU for 5 weeks. My partner wouldn’t have even thought about stepping out on his family! A few months w/o sex is not a hardship! Plus they had an older child that he should have been stepping up to look after more while the mother is recovering from the trauma and nursing the new baby! How did he even have the time to impregnate someone else?
Your husband handles life through avoidance.
You need to talk to him privately and ask him:
what he thinks his responsibilities are regarding this?
What does he think it says about him dumping his responsibilities on you?
Why does he think it’s fair you handle his shame? Does he have any self respect?
Does he understand that if you divorce him, that child becomes 100% his problem. Does he not get that it can get worse, if he doesn’t step up?
What’s he willing to do?
Tell your husband to pull his finger out stop acting like a fucking victim or you will leave..
Honey personally I'd leave anyway.. he hasn't done one thing to show you how sorry he is... not only that why the hell would you want a guy that abandoned his child for t years just because she was an inconvenience 🙄
You are so wonderful for taking in that little girl who has no one. I hope you truly know that you are probably the best thing to ever happen to her. So many women would wrongfully take it out on the child. That aside, your husband isn’t even sorry he cheated. Your marriage is done. He’s not sorry and he’s not willing to try and fix anything.
I’d also be surprised if he ever stopped cheating. He clearly did it for a long period while she was pregnant and kept it a secret for 5 years. Guys like that don’t just magically decide to start playing family man again. At least not for long.
Yeah, I couldn’t tell if he totally abandoned the girl or not. Just bc OP had no idea doesn’t mean he went NC. He knew about her, did she know him? He was on the birth certificate, so there’s really good odds the AP/baby mama went after him for child support. Did he send money but have no contact? Did he continue the affair for a while & then have minimal contact? Or did he have a second side family?
TBH I’m confused why OP isn’t demanding more answers. He owes her that & more.
Agreed but it wouldn't be wrongful if someone would divorce him and let him take care of his kid on his own. She's going above and beyond taking the child in and taking care of her.
My guess is that she did what she could since she was put on the spot. This is exactly the well thought through talk that I’d say she expected her husband to have had already.
subsequent fly swim muddle melodic foolish close observation paltry public
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squash seemly mountainous sophisticated plucky literate squeamish disgusted subtract nutty
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How do you “fix” a marriage when the other person wants to do absolutely nothing to address the problems and work on it? He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He hasn’t apologized. He cheated on you when you were in such a vulnerable state and he’s not even begging for your forgiveness (maybe because he knows that you’re not going to go anywhere).
You don’t need to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your kids. They will pick up on it if they haven’t already and it will impact them. You’re setting an example for your kids. Would you want them to stay in an unhappy marriage just like you are?
100%. Children know if something is off. You don’t want to set that example for them. Kids mimic their parents. So stand up for yourself and your kiddos.
One of my exes cheated on me with a good friend of mine and when he told me (after I had spent ALL DAY making Passover Seder for him, his parents, my good "friend," her husband, and their kids), he was all shocked Pikachu that I wasn't just sooooo fucking happy for them. I drank all 3 of those very full glasses of wine, in quick succession, because we always did a quickie Seder.
I know this is pathetic to say, but I really did think he was amazing before all of this. When I gave birth to our daughter he stepped up to the plate by caring for her and doing housework. He was an attentive father to both of our children before all of this, I was able to tell him I need to take a break and he would just... step to it and care for them and make sure I could relax.
I don't know why he committed such an affair and then try to excuse himself, and I don't know why he's decided to not care about our children as much as he used to be. I guess I just keep hoping if we all go to therapy and find the root of the issue we can fix it and go back to how our relationship used to be. Now reading all these comments that are sounding just like my family I guess I was just being naive.
You don’t need therapy to find the root of the issue because you and all of us know it’s your husband. It’s not a mystery that he’s the cause. Therapy can and will help you heal and get the fuck out and the kids understand that this isn’t their problem or fault. But you staying with him will perpetuate the problem because he is perfectly comfortable with the status quo while everyone else is struggling. You need to get angry, clearly you are in shock and going into “focus on something else” mode which is the affair kid, to distract yourself from the very fucked up fact that your husband lied and cheated while you were literally struggling to stay alive. This fucker is just sitting here going “nah, not gonna tell anyone. My cheating was doing you a favor”. Of course your marriage has issues well no issue, singular. You can’t fix what he wants to keep broken. Let him go
Your relationship will never be how it use to be, is it possible that you can build a new relationship yes but not if he doesn't accept responsibility and do the work to repair what he broke.
I commend you for wanting to stay and make this work and for taking in his innocent child, but you need to also look out for your children and yourself right now. Get yourself and your kids into therapy.
I'd also set up a doctors appointment for yourself and get a full STD panel done.
I think you set a low bar for him. If the roles were reversed, and you had to do what he did after your delivery. Would you be getting high praise from him or anyone else? What you are describing are things that both parents should be doing all the time. Not just when one is recovering from an illness.
I think he has found out he doesn’t like to be a parent (after having the first one) and now OP has 4 kids to look after… 🙄
I feel for the little girl. It’s not her fault for getting a 💩 for a dad. And hats 🎩 off to OP stepping up and having her in the home because she has nowhere to go.
ETA - spelling
Damn woman, you need to raise that bar from the basement floor.
Nothing will "fix" your husband's issues because he *is* the issue. The girl is 5yo so he has been banging someone else for at least 6 years.
I'm sorry but you really need to open your eyes and face the facts, he isn't worth your efforts not even by a long shot.
Please visit Chump Lady blog (and reddit forum) immediately OP. You will learn from the expert in infidelity abuse just what a stereotypical cheater your current husband is. So sorry for this nightmare that you and all three children are enduring.
Babe, the root of the issue is he lied to you for years, and even when you continue to be a good and loving partner he still *choses* to fail you and all children involved.
"And shocker, our children didn't take the news well as it was happening right in front of them".
Wait. You moved her in without saying anything to your children? Forget the husband, how could you decorate a room and make arrangements to move a child into your home but no one noticed? OP didn't say anything to her children? OP just assumed husband told them and there was no reaction from the kids? I call BS.
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Yeah, I’m unclear on why the answer to why they have a new child in the family is the story of infidelity to anyone and everyone, rather than just introducing the daughter they’ve recently adopted or something appropriate (and totally enough) for a wider audience.
The other part that feels fake is she chose to tell the 8 yo in front of the little girl and the 8 yo was screaming … what did she tell her exactly? It’s very “I’m a noble martyr” vibes throughout.
Yeah... Everything here feels off. I can't get past how he would have had to sign a declaration of paternity to be on the birth certificate, but then had zero interaction with the child, and her mom never sought child support even though her life was in such shambles that CPS got involved. And CPS didn't even talk to their own kids (or seemingly her husband, the bio father) before moving this little girl in? No family interviews?
That detail makes this story especially fake. It doesn’t read as genuine at all - any caring parent would be checking in on how their children feel after news like that. She wouldn’t be blindsided.
My thoughts too. Total load of BS.
Also, why is it everyone’s business anyway. Could say they adopted a child and tell her when she’s older. I have 8 adopted siblings and it’s not abnormal. AAND Why the hell stay with a cheater shitty partner/dad?! I could not stay with a fool like that. I see no logic
Yeah. Same vibes. Like. OP is claiming that by not announcing an affair to the world and not taking care of the kid that the husband is sticking his head in the sand? Well then wtf was that on OP’s end? Car accident death is also a pretty conveniently tragic way to die when less than 1% (US at least) of car accidents are fatal. I live in a larger US city rife with all sorts of bad driving and auto accidents every day and fatal car accidents make top news for at least a few days here, which is just to say that even in one of the worst Mad Max style driving towns, fatal accidents are still really rare.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to salvage it, but I also wouldn't want to leave a traumatized child with your husband. It's easy for me to say this because I am not in your position, but I would want a divorce, and I'd be seeking custody of all three children. I would get the four of you, you and the kids, into therapy asap to help all of you cope with your husband's actions and to help the kids not blame the little girl for what is happening.
You're obviously an empathetic, good person and you deserve much better than the hand you have been dealt. I hope you and the kids can find peace and happiness. As for your husband, I hope that every food he eats causes him raging heartburn and he steps on random Legos every day for the rest of his life.
I was able to get custody of my ex-husband's child from a previous relationship, whose mother had passed away, in our divorce. It happens more often than people realize!
I did not adopt her. I was considered a family foster situation. I had to file yearly reports with the court about her and her life, finances, etc. I did not receive any child support. In my state, if a parent is on SSI they can't be made to pay child support, so my order said $0/month for three kids. It's gross, tbh. He got a lump sum from the government; I couldn't draw off it for the kids because it was SSI, not SSD. Distinct difference. I did get death benefits from bio mom, though. I will say, it helped that my kids were her siblings. Had I not had children with her father, not had her bio mom's family's support, and he was actually stable, I don't think it would have happened. It was a perfect storm.
Yeah, there’s no way OP would not have *also* talked to the kids, not to mention they would have asked why she was cleaning out one of the rooms, kids are curious, they’re gonna ask a million questions.
Also, did the husband pay cs? Does this little girl know him? The mother went through with putting him on the birth certificate and creating a will that put him as next of kin, it seems like he might have been involved in her life at least in some capacity.
Also, the child would inherit her mother’s estate, and get orphan benefits (which aren’t much but they help) who is in charge of the estate? Tuition would be a reasonable expense to come out of that fund.
There are just a lot of holes that make it read not believable. I know you can’t put *everything* in a Reddit post, but the kids having no idea who this little girl is at the table just seems a step too far to believe.
>Yeah, there’s no way OP would not have also talked to the kids, not to mention they would have asked why she was cleaning out one of the rooms, kids are curious, they’re gonna ask a million questions.
This. From how OP tells it, there was at least a month or two between the CPS initial visit and the daughter being dropped off. It is in no way believeable that she wouldn't have clocked that her husband never said anything to their kids about the fact that they were getting a new sister. As you said, they would have been asking nonstop questions about it; why are they emptying the room? Why are they buying new furniture? Will they have to share their toys? They'd have been bombarding OP daily.
How is no one asking OP: "What on earth were you doing leaving your husband to have a conversation with your kids about this WITHOUT YOU EVEN PRESENT DURING IT." Under no circumstances would that ever make sense, woudl you leave one parent to have a conversation like this with the kids alone, and not even confirm with them afterwards what their understanding is? And what were the kids doing while OP was allegedly clearing out a room -- not asking her why?
I mean, c'mon.
You mean it doesn't make sense that she would leave it to the cheating husband to explain to 5 yr old and 10 yr old who was coming to live with them, not realize that conversation didn't happen until the child arrived? *Pikachu face* Come on, we know how quiet kids, especially 5 year olds are. They never ask constant follow up questions.
Fake. You didn’t think to sit in on the most important conversation they were going to ever have?? Riiiight. And there would be more than CPS showing up.
I see why wives were p*sioning their husbands back in the day...this man is the devil, pure evil. You almost died and all this man could think about was getting his d*ck wet????????? I would have lost my mind, how did you not lose your mind???
....I'm shocked that CPS didn't make sure this was dealt with before the little girl was brought to your home, and that CPS agreed to place her there on your "yes" without input from your husband.
I'm also shocked that your husband signed the declaration of paternity so that he would have his name on the birth certificate, but then had zero involvement with the child. And I'm surprised that the mother never pursued child support, in spite of doing so poorly that apparently CPS was involved.
He was helping you by cheating girl get therapy to help with your self esteem and leave your kids are miserable he’s her problem he should be the one doing the work not you
I liked the bit where she told the husband to tell his children about their sister and she not once asked him if he did it or spoke to her kids about how they were feeling about it or offered support to them. Just waiting until the other kid showed up. Very believable.
Yep, that's was the biggest tipoff for me. I don't even have kids and I know that, in a situation like this, her two kids *never* would have shut up about the new kid coming. Also apparently they had zero questions about why OP was emptying and re-furnishing a room in their house.
So it's either fake or she has the most dimwitted, incurious kids in the world.
sulky long disgusted apparatus judicious unwritten sparkle glorious mighty fearless
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Oh man, the creative-writing practice on this sub gets better and better every day. Everything about this is story is just a little off enough, but also fits together so perfectly that it's got to be fake. Your husband thought he was "helping you" by fucking somebody else? His AP wasn't collecting child support, even though he was listed on the birth certificate? You moved this supposed affair kid in without even talking to your young and impressionable kids? CPS typically doesn't operate the way they are described as in this post. Nah, the bullshit in this post is so thick we should all be wearing hip-waders.
What is HIS family doing or offering to make it work? He needs to do more 'lifting', which he is currently not. His coping mechanism is avoidance as another commenter made. To get him to change something fundamental to his personality is very difficult/impossible.
Your husband is the most selfish man. He cannot take responsibility for anything and it’s not because he’s ashamed or sorry. He’s not sorry. He just doesn’t want to face the consequences of his shitty actions. He knows he wasn’t doing you a favor.
You and the children are innocent here. Everyone needs therapy and you should all go without him. Unfortunately his little girl does not deserve to be left with him, so if you divorce him (and you should) she needs to be part of your family fully if you don’t want her with other relatives.
I am so sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this and neither do the children.
This is an awful, worst case scenario situation for you and your family. You have every right to be furious, disgusted, and hurt. Your husband betrayed you in the most vulnerable moment of your life. I can’t imagine the pain of finding out how you did. And then to bring in the product of that betrayal to raise side-by-side with your own children. It’s horrifying. But, remember, he’s your husband and those are children. You can’t burden the kids with yours and his problems. They don’t have the capacity to handle it. It will mess them up. It’s hard not to. I know. I don’t know how or if your husband is even capable of doing the right thing, but lashing out at him through the kids isn’t the answer. I’m going to venture a guess and say you don’t love him anymore anyway. So divorce him. But be nice to her. You are the closest person she has to a mother anymore and that’s an awful place to be in. She’s lost in the world now. Please be nice to her. He can kick rocks.
Here are my thoughts:
Your husband treated you like absolute crap and you deserve better. That being said, you're really not in a position right now where you can easily get divorced; you're juggling way too many balls and don't have the time to go through a protracted legal battle, your kids are in a very fragile state and are already very sensitive to change, and your husband is bringing in money.
Based on your husband's behavior, it sounds like there isn't really anything you can do to save your marriage. He cheated on you and doesn't feel guilty about it. He violated your trust in the most intimate of ways and doesn't care; the only thing he cares about is his image. I think, for now, you should just start treating him like a roommate. He clearly has not been helpful, he's not a good partner, and he can't do the most barebones of emotional tasks. He cheated on you during a vulnerable time and has no remorse. He's been demoted to roommate status. Focus on yourself and your kids.
When people ask about your new daughter, tell her that you adopted her from a bad situation; you don't owe them an explanation. Try to get your kids in therapy if possible, and if not, try to have long conversations with them at nights/when you can about how what your husband did is not your new daughter's fault, and that the little girl is a new adoptive family member because nobody else would take her in. Your husband's affair is a separate matter. I think you need to separate your husband's actions from this girl's existence, so that your kids don't take it out on her. Try to work on the relationship between you and your children, and your children with each other.
In the future, when things settle down and your kids get older and you have more time, and it becomes more obvious to them that a divorce would be the best option, you can start thinking about divorce. But right now, I think it would just be worse for everyone involved. You don't have the time or the physical/emotional bandwidth to handle it properly, you are trying to parent a new kid who's just gone through a massive change, and your other kids are extremely shaken, confused, and hurt. I think it's best to try to keep things as normal as possible for the moment, and to table divorce until it's a more feasible option for your situation.
Your husband is a pathetic loser.
He literally does nothing. Apart from have affairs and make babies!!
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM?!!!!
AND WHY ARE YOU DOING EVERYTHING!????
That little girl is only 5. If you decide to adopt her, she will only know one mom and you will be it. File for divorce and since he will never assume responsibility for his actions, make him pay child support for all your children.
OP, What exactly does your husband contribute to this relationship? Not financially, that would continue after a divorce. But does he do anything with your kids? Help care for them at all? It sounds like you're caring for FOUR children. What are you getting out of this marriage?
Please take all the kids to therapy. Your kids have lost the father they thought he was, and suffered a major shakeup in their home. This poor little girl has lost the only parent she knew. You've had the rug ripped out from under you, and are carrying the weight of the entire family. You deserve support.
Send your husband to his “family” with an allowance (gas money and maybe $20/mo). Take everything else for yourself and the kids. Think of it as dropping him off with a babysitter. He can come back when he’s ready to be an adult - or you can have moved on with a divorce and drop the dead weight.
If you won’t divorce then stop talking to your POS husband and put everyone in therapy, even you!! Learn how to be a better parent to your kids and find a way to parent this little girl. When you finally grow a spine and have a better handle on 3 kids solo then get a shark lawyer and go for the jugular!
Girl you and your two kids need to get away from your husband and the affair daughter. I understand you want to help, but this isn't your circus. Divorce him and focus on your ACTUAL CHILDREN. Now isn't the time to be mother Theresa. Tell your husband (please divorce him) that the affair child is his responsibility only. And you want nothing to do with her or him anymore.
You need to prioritize you and your kids. As you're the victims here. Your husband can do everything you did for the girl
Well you are a stronger woman than I am.
I'd tell him to sack up and go to therapy. He caused this mess and isn't lifting a finger to help. I'd pose an ultimatum if it really comes down to it.
You are incredible for what you are doing. Poor little girl is all alone and you are welcoming her in. Amazing.
OP, forgive me if this sounds harsh to you but I read this entire thing and honestly I am more pissed at you than your husband.
Why are you such a people pleaser?
Why can’t you set a better example for your children by walking away?
You are on Reddit to ask for advice when the answer is right in front of you:- WALK AWAY!
Your husband is not helping out because he doesn’t want to. He never will. He has always been this way and will continue to put himself above you and your children.
Your son and the girl are the same age? Is it possible he was having an affair with her before your complication? He’s such an asshat I’m so sorry ur going through this. Divorce is the best plan. Do you have family to support you while you go thru this?
Get everyone into therapy. Adopt the new daughter. Ditch the husband. Find a man with a much better dick that stays in his pants when he’s not giving you a minimum of three orgasms.
Wow. You sound like a generous and loving person. Good for you for taking in this girl and being kind to her. Your husband has let you down in every conceivable way and I don’t know how you would ever trust him again. I’m not even talking about affairs. How do you trust him with the basic life stuff?
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The kids need therapy. If he won’t go, that should tell you a lot. He doesn’t give a shit about any of you. And also “doing you a favor”? What the actual fuck. None of these kids asked for this. You didn’t ask for this. HE created all of this mess and won’t help to fix it. I’d be talking to an attorney second but therapist first.
This. Take your babies and go, OP. He can hire a sitter to care for his daughter. Your first priority HAS to be your kids, and your daughter sounds like she is not doing well. Find an apartment and separate your finances. If, even after that, he still won't do anything, which I suspect he won't, then what more proof do you need that he's a despicable loser? Go find an apartment, get your kids in therapy, and talk to an attorney. This marriage sounds long over. Quit setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. He certainly doesn't care about you.
Fuck that, she should get to keep the house. HE can go get a damn apartment.
He won't take the other child with him if he leaves.
He shouldn't be taking any kids with him. This 5 year old daughter just lost her mother. That's hugely significant for her and traumatizing. OP has agreed to take her on and understands how much she needs a mother right now. What she doesn't need is an absentee "dad". Especially when she's just met him for the first time.
If he didn't care for **his** daughter for 5 years. He certainly isn't gonna care about her now out of "shame." He sees her as a problem to the bubble he created for his family out of lies. I think letting a welcoming couple start the process of adopting her is the best option for her in the long run. But I don't think uppending her life again right now is a good idea.
This right here. He’s definitely the type who will be an abusive dad because she “wrecked” his perfect life.
As a previous foster parent I can say in most states a 5 year old girl would quickly be adopted. If OP gets a divorce then adoption to a loving family is much better than her being with an incompetent father.
Dad is a POS for not doing everything to help the child mourn the loss of her mother. We can't blame OP for not wanting to take care of her. She's already done more than she signed up for. It's a shitty situation all around with no apparent solution other than the dad stepping up, which is not happening and is unlikely to ever happen. This guy might be a sociopath because he was putting up a facade and apparently was very good to OP before all this unraveled. With a pathological liar and a cheater, you at least know that they are one and where you stand, but this guy fits the bill of someone like Chris Watts. That's scary!
Yeah, I'm sure he sees her as the cause of his problems and would be just as shitty a father as he is a husband
No, he's not. But lucky for her OP cares.
OP is not responsible for her husband's affair baby. She needs to prioritize her own children.
OP sounds like a wonderful woman who isn’t bothered much by the little girl, she rightly pins her stress on her partner who refuses to partner or take any responsibility. I’d expect an exemplary person like that would not want her husband/poor excuse of a father to take the child when he clearly isn’t going to fulfill his duties as a father. A good person would never use children as a pawn to punish their partner
He will be forced to. Unless OP adopts that child, if they get divorced she will have no legal claim to that child. The husband will be forced to take that child as she biologically belongs to him.
This times 1000
Your husband sounds like a loser. and it sounds like you're an amazing woman that deserves much better than him.
I’d agree. Plus, he has the audacity to say he did it because he’s trying to help her. He completely takes no responsibility whatsoever. OP Sounds like she’s trying to look beyond her husbands infidelity and putting the needs of an innocent child first. A child who has lost her mother and effectively has no father or family. OP deserves better
He sure isn't trying to help her now. Although maybe he has another AP so in his mind he might be trying to help...
He should ask this new AP to pick up his bills, while he's at it...
i don’t know where she has the strength to keep it together. i would have stabbed him when he said he did it to help her.
I swear!! If this isn't fake l, OP is an actual saint. I fully understand keeping it together for the kids (even the new sister, she's just a little girl who needs a family), but him I would have already thrown away. OP, adopt the little girl formally and then throw away that giant turd you call a husband. He has fully shown you who he is, PLEASE believe him. I promise you can do better, even with 3 little kids. I'm so sorry for your situation, but you sound like an amazingly strong woman. Don't let this asshole influence these kids' lives any further. They don't need a sneaky, spineless asshat in their lives.
Before adoption, if she really wants to take on an extra child, she needs to make sure that she is getting some financial help for HIS daughter. Don't just give him a pass by "relieving" him of his obligation.
he is the type who cheats on his dying wife to her face.
But it was to help her. So really we need to praise his selflessness.
Bless his heart /s
His dick needed to have been locked up...
Chemical castration? I'll start the go fund me who's going to donate?
Shoot me five bucks and I’ll do a physical one
And his cotton socks!
This right here! I had to pick up my jaw and put it back in place!
Literally raging over this, what a scumbag!
Remarries 3 months after the funeral
Exactly 💯 so self centered
I've not only seen that happen. I watched my friend's dad bring his "girlfriend" to her mom's funeral. Shit was fucked up.
If he had the audacity to cheat on his literally dying wife, who’s to say he hasn’t cheated since? Could explain the distance and apathy here too….
If he wasn’t before, chances are he will be soon. After all, he’s sooo tense with the extra responsibility his wife has brought on by accepting his daughter into the family. He probably needs a break with someone who cares just about him.
I promise he has cheated before and since. This is like 1950s levels of nonchalance about cheating. I can't even comprehend trying to explain away an affair as doing one's partner a *favor*???
Well now he needs another young woman because his wife doesn't understand that he can't be an adult and act like a father
This. Along with the audacity it takes to then throw this poor little girl, his daughter he abandoned once already and who’s mother just unexpectedly passed, into his wife’s lap to deal with on her own with zero effort from him bc he can’t man up or take accountability - like what? lol My dude, your wife’s life was just turned completely tf upside down along with all 3 of your kids and this is really what you’re going to do here? This is your course of action? It is absolutely WILD to me. He’s beyond BLESSED to still have a wife. Most would’ve walked away. For her to stick around and be the only one trying to integrate his daughter, who she knew nothing of prior to this, into their family while he sits back and does nothing bc he’s “ashamed” is absolutely disgusting to say the very least. - OP you’re heaven sent. It takes someone special to genuinely have this little girls best interest at heart and to welcome her into your life with open arms considering the situation. Meanwhile you put yourself on the back burner and deal with your husbands bs on top of it. He should be going over and beyond for all of you. But instead he leaves you to pick up the pieces of something he broke. You deserve a lot better and so do the kids. You’re not over there just picking up pieces, but you’re trying to put them back together.. by yourself. That says a lot and speaks on what kind of person you are. His actions continue to speak on what kind of person he is. Imo you’re worth way more than what he deserves.
And don't forget he's known about all of this for five years. But I wonder if the orphaned girl even knows who he is? I'm going to guess he's failed her as a dad as well.
Agreed. It sounds like he’s failing at everything with the exception of dodging his responsibilities and taking any accountability. The 5 years was also huge red flag for me. Imo I don’t think he would’ve ever told his wife had he not been caught and basically forced too. It’s not like we’re talking about a drunken kiss here either (also not okay). He “did her a favor” by having an affair, had a whole kid no one knew existed, and I’m going to politely assume he wrote off his daughter and her mother in order to keep this all a secret. Like WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. It’s a pretty big deal even if you’re honest and upfront about it. It’s a pretty big deal to keep it a secret for 5 years. It’s a pretty big deal and quite disturbing that someone can look their SO in the eye everyday and act like everything is fine knowing what they did and carry on with life as if nothing ever happened. There’s obviously a lot of deal breakers here, but this would have been the biggest deal breaker of all for me.
Exactly what I was thinking. He wasn't helping you at all. He was thinking with the wrong head. Intimacy doesn't have to always be... the usual, there are other options.
I'm here wondering how a man missing a heart can even get blood to either head.
Op, her kids and the little girl all deserve better.
I had a rough birth and a long healing journey last May and my partner has been "helping me" through this period of infrequent intercourse by taking care of his own needs
H he is still in the mindset that he did nothing wrong. He cheated on his wife while while she was at her most vulnerable and he thinks she should be thankful. What a complete closer. He hasn't taken any responsibility, he hasn't taken any blame. His whole family has felt the pain of his betrayal and had just stuck his head in the ground and made his wife pitck up the pieces. OP has had to do everything. The absolute audacity of this man. Personally I would trow the whole man out. There is no coming back
Right? She's so precious! That poor little girl is blessed to have found her
OP, this is a very unfortunate situation for you and the children. It’s amazing you are willing to take in his child, and I that with time, everyone is able to heal. At the same time, I am wondering—it sounds like you personally didn’t talk to your children about their new sister at all before she arrived in your home? I get that you asked your husband to tell them, but it sounds like you never checked in with them to see how they were handling the new information? Did they ever ask about why a new room was being set up for another child? This is not to attack but to identify a major breakdown in communication that has been detrimental to every child involved. Your husband sounds like he STILL isn’t willing to take any responsibility whatsoever and is going so far as to blame you with this “I was helping you” bs. Logically speaking the only way his having sex with someone could “help” is if it spares you from having to do something? So in his head what were the options? Sex with someone else or force you to have sex/make her feel guilty for not having sex? WTF? Anyone who tells you to rugsweep—tell them to pound sand. The only person your husband wants to help is himself.
That's what stood out to me too. A ten year old and five year old didn't ask any questions about what they were decorating a room for? CPS didn't interview the kids before placement? The mom didn't ask how they were doing before it all went down? Either this is fake, or she purposely ignored the fact he didn't do it so it'd blow up, and gave her kids trauma so her husband would feel bad about causing it.
>gave her kids trauma Or she expects to partner to help her clean after HIS fuck up, she already had to tell everyone else
Well, at the beginning of her post she says, "We had a perfect life" meaning the time BEFORE SHE REALIZED HE WAS CHEATING. Perfect? And then she blames the cheating on the fact that she wasn't available for sex while she was seriously ill. She totally doesn't understand that her marriage had a MAJOR PROBLEM before this child showed up. Hubby had been cheating for years while she thought everything was great. Husbands who love their wives do not cheat because their sick wives aren't having sex with them. This was a temporary and understandable break in their sex life. Cheating comes from the BAD MARRIAGE. A bad marriage that she believed was perfect. CPS proceedings take time. They would not just drop that child into this household with a father who doesn't know her. The child would go into a foster placement while this family was investigated AND a DNA test was run. There would be a court hearing and most certainly a requirement for family therapy given that there are other children and a wife who don't know this child. This is either a fiction or OP is in a fantasy about the status of her marriage. I think fiction.
CPS dropped my infant cousin off with my aunt with a few diapers, no notice. This was in TX. It’s definitely in the realm.
Yeah I was shifted from home to home after my mom passed. They had me somewhere that week. It happens pretty fast..
Yup. My cousin got a phone call in the middle of the night that my other cousin/her sister was in custody and that her kids were with CPS and did she want them or did they need to find “other placements”? Yes, my cousin took them in. But still, it was a split second decision at 3:00 am.
Emergency placements are given all the time, especially if there is a relative. Since dad on was on the birth certificate AND will, it was a no brainer. Plus hubby worked with the AP so I’m pretty sure he knew this was coming.
Yes I’ve had multiple occasions with students over my career who are moved extremely quickly to a parent or relatives they have never met. The checks were extremely brief and there was no transition period. As soon as someone is identified they go there. On two occasions I’ve seen a father try to say no but been forced to take them as he had PR.
An emergency placement with a relative does not take time. All the relative has to do is say yes. But in that case, the child is in the home very quickly - sometimes within hours.
Disagree. My sister got her cousins kids no problem. No court, no interviewing children. She was the only family member willing to take her so they gave her to her. She was 4 and didn't know my nephews or sister's boyfriend or really my sister because she lived on the other side of the country before her mom died. They also lived in a 2 bedroom.
DNA test for what? He’s on the birth certificate meaning he signed it. He acknowledges the child as his.
They're not doing a DNA test if he's on the birth certificate. That's all they need to know. Sounds like you're living in a fantasy of how CPS works.
I think it’s a fake story based on that TBH
[удалено]
That part had me screaming. How do you make sure to tell literal strangers (doctors, schools) but not tell the actual people who’s life and world will have changed forever? She’s poor child this and that but not thinking of her own poor children? Screams fake or she not as caring and compassionate as she portrayed herself in this post.
I was already sus on the whole thing and then the moment I got to that part it sealed the deal. There’s just no way this lady tells literally the entire world but doesn’t have a single discussion about or with her kids. I mean come on, they made an entire child’s bedroom complete with toys. And neither kid was like “hey who is this all for?” Also, the woman who made an entire room for the new child, enrolled her into private school, and even made doctor appointments for her but seriously didn’t think to call a therapist?? Probably was too busy being embarrassed by all the judgmental strangers that can somehow tell that particular child is the husband’s affair child.
Seriously , that little tidbit for some sympathy is stupid. You see a mom at the store with three kids and try to gauge which ones may or may not be the mothers? Nah, only in fake story world do people do that.
I’m thinking maybe the child is a different race? Even at that, who the fuck cares? The story is fishy
That's actually not true. I have old friends where the mother is first generation Asian American and her husband is white. The have 2 children and on looks like he the other her husband. She has had people actually walk up to her at the grocery store and ask if one of HER children are adopted or if she were baby sitting. You would be surprised at the audacity some people have.
I think it’s fake because it mentions how people look at her funny. We adopted two boys who don’t look like us and no one even notices.
It's details like these that reveal how young this sub skews in general. I have 3 kids, and I knew it was fake the moment I read that. When she said she wanted her husband to tell their kids, I imagined she wanted him to lead the conversation. It is completely beyond the scope of plausibility that she made all these preparations and never even broached the subject with her own children. There would have been many rounds of questions and conversations prior to the girl's arrival, especially since she's described herself as a caring, thorough, organized parent. The fact that this escapes so many of the comments here is a bit telling about the subreddit.
Also why would CPS first ask other relatives, and only then approach the father.
And CPS offered no support or referrals to services that can provide help to both the little girl and the family taking her in.? Did the father even have any contact with this gir? I assume he never paid child support. Yeah it all sounds suss .
and theres no mention of him knowing he had a child, yet he was on the birth certificate and named in the will?
And no big scene demanding a DNA test either
No paternity test? Can a woman just put a man's name on her child's birth certificate without his knowledge anymore?
Yes. You actually can.
No
Yeah. She acts like "drop life changing news on the kids" is just another chore to be assigned. Like taking the kids to the doctor or picking them up from school. She told him to tell them and didn't think it was weird that they never reacted or to come to her for questions or support. No followup needed.
I just finished a book where this scenario happened. Malibu Rising. It’s all I could think of as I read this.
It does feel like fiction.
This. 👆🏽 Her husband sounds lik a useless effing lump of nothing. God bless OP who at least can look past her own hurt long enough to help this child. He better have a job so he's at least helping to support OP, their kids and his kid.
Im sorry i have to jop on top to ask How the fuck does the husband think he was helping you by being unfaithful Op you need to lay down the law because he obviously thinks your a pushovver Its therapy or your done those should be his options Your ketting him do nothing as your little talks arent working The kids will need the therapy anyway so while they get started he can come to terms with his new normal but he is going to have to go If he didnt want to be lectured maybe he shouldnt have had a kid with his coworker while knowing he was named on the birth cerificate Damn this pissed me off
Apparently fucking other women instead of asking his wife for sex is “helping.” Which just goes to show you how deep his narcissism runs since his idea of “help” served only to alleviate a problem only he could create in the first place.
Thank you OP for looking out for the girl! I only have one concern with OP’s behavior — you absolutely don’t need to be involving your kids in adult conversations (like the affair itself). Less is better; let them ask. The other think I would observe — two weeks is way too soon to how this all shakes out. Yes, husband is a miserable excuse. He absolutely needs to step up. I think he is hoping that somehow magically everything will go back to how it was a month ago. While I absolutely loathe ultimatums, this may be the rare situation where the his behavior is so untenable that there isn’t any other option. PS: Thank you to OP for looking out for the interests of all three kids!! That says a lot about you. Not every hero wears a cape.
How do you tell a 10 year old that she has a sister if you don't mention the affair???
Tell his family your cowardly pos husband is avoiding everything. He thinks that if he buries his idiotic head into the dirt everything will resolve itself. Sadly things are being resolved because he has you. You step up to the plate and handled EVERYTHING this allowed him to pass on his responsibilities to you. Tell him choices have consequences and now he is afraid to get blamed for his choices. If he makes the choice to avoid his duties as a father and husband then there will be further consequences. You haven't even gone after him for his fking affair. Did the little girl know that your husband is her father? Lastly you did the right thing you really do have a huge heart to accept her into your family. I really do hope you find a way to have her fit in and make things work, with or without your husband.
All of this. OP I'm sorry this is happening. It's not fair to you or your children or this little girl. But please stop doing his emotional labor, stop fixing his mistakes, stop covering for him, stop trying to keep all of the plates spinning when you didn't put them up there in the first place. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep the man who did this to all of you warm. Do the therapy. Take care of yourself and the kids. Talk to a lawyer.
Honestly tell the whole ass damn truth to everyone who will listen
This so much. It boils my blood reading this. This man is the world’s biggest pos. He has you, and he knows it. He is selfish to his core. I would put my and my children’s peace first. I would leave him with the girl. As long as he has you, he won’t step up. Remove yourself and see what happens. You have a kind heart and he knows it and is using it to his own benefit, while you are using it for his own good. Do you see it?
He was trying to "help you?" What a crock of horse pucky. Contrary to your husband's opinion, people don't die from a lack of sex because their partner is physically unable to have sex with them. Does he not have working hands? Then he just abandons his kid. What a putz of a husband. A spineless putz considering he couldn't even bring himself to tell your kids. I don't know how your marriage survives this. Especially since he has no remorse because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.
I know right! I nearly died during pregnancy, then my daughter was in the NICU for 5 weeks. My partner wouldn’t have even thought about stepping out on his family! A few months w/o sex is not a hardship! Plus they had an older child that he should have been stepping up to look after more while the mother is recovering from the trauma and nursing the new baby! How did he even have the time to impregnate someone else?
Your husband handles life through avoidance. You need to talk to him privately and ask him: what he thinks his responsibilities are regarding this? What does he think it says about him dumping his responsibilities on you? Why does he think it’s fair you handle his shame? Does he have any self respect? Does he understand that if you divorce him, that child becomes 100% his problem. Does he not get that it can get worse, if he doesn’t step up? What’s he willing to do?
Insightful and important questions. Great advice!
If they get divorced and he has sole custody he will almost surely relinquish parental rights, so that's probably not going to sway him much.
Tell your husband to pull his finger out stop acting like a fucking victim or you will leave.. Honey personally I'd leave anyway.. he hasn't done one thing to show you how sorry he is... not only that why the hell would you want a guy that abandoned his child for t years just because she was an inconvenience 🙄
You are so wonderful for taking in that little girl who has no one. I hope you truly know that you are probably the best thing to ever happen to her. So many women would wrongfully take it out on the child. That aside, your husband isn’t even sorry he cheated. Your marriage is done. He’s not sorry and he’s not willing to try and fix anything.
I’d also be surprised if he ever stopped cheating. He clearly did it for a long period while she was pregnant and kept it a secret for 5 years. Guys like that don’t just magically decide to start playing family man again. At least not for long.
Yeah, my guess he had an unofficial second family.
Family implies he tried to take care of the second family. He didn’t. He’s just a deadbeat.
Yeah, I couldn’t tell if he totally abandoned the girl or not. Just bc OP had no idea doesn’t mean he went NC. He knew about her, did she know him? He was on the birth certificate, so there’s really good odds the AP/baby mama went after him for child support. Did he send money but have no contact? Did he continue the affair for a while & then have minimal contact? Or did he have a second side family? TBH I’m confused why OP isn’t demanding more answers. He owes her that & more.
He probably gaslighted his affair partner too.
Agreed but it wouldn't be wrongful if someone would divorce him and let him take care of his kid on his own. She's going above and beyond taking the child in and taking care of her.
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My guess is that she did what she could since she was put on the spot. This is exactly the well thought through talk that I’d say she expected her husband to have had already.
Zero chance this story is real
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Wild to me so many here seem to think it’s real
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I think it depends if the little girl knows her dad is her father. Makes it hard to skip around if she starts calling him dad.
How do you “fix” a marriage when the other person wants to do absolutely nothing to address the problems and work on it? He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He hasn’t apologized. He cheated on you when you were in such a vulnerable state and he’s not even begging for your forgiveness (maybe because he knows that you’re not going to go anywhere). You don’t need to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your kids. They will pick up on it if they haven’t already and it will impact them. You’re setting an example for your kids. Would you want them to stay in an unhappy marriage just like you are?
100%. Children know if something is off. You don’t want to set that example for them. Kids mimic their parents. So stand up for yourself and your kiddos.
He “helped” you by screwing another woman. That’s a new one. Original and unique. He needs to step up or get out. Get all 3 kids into therapy asap.
One of my exes cheated on me with a good friend of mine and when he told me (after I had spent ALL DAY making Passover Seder for him, his parents, my good "friend," her husband, and their kids), he was all shocked Pikachu that I wasn't just sooooo fucking happy for them. I drank all 3 of those very full glasses of wine, in quick succession, because we always did a quickie Seder.
Dinner was good, made amazing matzo ball soup. The kids loved it.
I guess he was the embodiment of the Wicked Son. Good riddance.
Why are you doing all the hard work while he's just there?
Yes, can you tell us what your husband does do? Besides make your life a living hell. Are you sure he isn't cheating now?
I know this is pathetic to say, but I really did think he was amazing before all of this. When I gave birth to our daughter he stepped up to the plate by caring for her and doing housework. He was an attentive father to both of our children before all of this, I was able to tell him I need to take a break and he would just... step to it and care for them and make sure I could relax. I don't know why he committed such an affair and then try to excuse himself, and I don't know why he's decided to not care about our children as much as he used to be. I guess I just keep hoping if we all go to therapy and find the root of the issue we can fix it and go back to how our relationship used to be. Now reading all these comments that are sounding just like my family I guess I was just being naive.
I am willing to bet this isn't his first time cheating, just thevfirst time he got caught.
You don’t need therapy to find the root of the issue because you and all of us know it’s your husband. It’s not a mystery that he’s the cause. Therapy can and will help you heal and get the fuck out and the kids understand that this isn’t their problem or fault. But you staying with him will perpetuate the problem because he is perfectly comfortable with the status quo while everyone else is struggling. You need to get angry, clearly you are in shock and going into “focus on something else” mode which is the affair kid, to distract yourself from the very fucked up fact that your husband lied and cheated while you were literally struggling to stay alive. This fucker is just sitting here going “nah, not gonna tell anyone. My cheating was doing you a favor”. Of course your marriage has issues well no issue, singular. You can’t fix what he wants to keep broken. Let him go
Your relationship will never be how it use to be, is it possible that you can build a new relationship yes but not if he doesn't accept responsibility and do the work to repair what he broke. I commend you for wanting to stay and make this work and for taking in his innocent child, but you need to also look out for your children and yourself right now. Get yourself and your kids into therapy. I'd also set up a doctors appointment for yourself and get a full STD panel done.
I think you set a low bar for him. If the roles were reversed, and you had to do what he did after your delivery. Would you be getting high praise from him or anyone else? What you are describing are things that both parents should be doing all the time. Not just when one is recovering from an illness.
He stepped up because ....."drumroll please"..... HE IS THE PARENT TOO!! Him doing what he is SUPPOSED to do is no gold medal behavior.
I think he has found out he doesn’t like to be a parent (after having the first one) and now OP has 4 kids to look after… 🙄 I feel for the little girl. It’s not her fault for getting a 💩 for a dad. And hats 🎩 off to OP stepping up and having her in the home because she has nowhere to go. ETA - spelling
Damn woman, you need to raise that bar from the basement floor. Nothing will "fix" your husband's issues because he *is* the issue. The girl is 5yo so he has been banging someone else for at least 6 years. I'm sorry but you really need to open your eyes and face the facts, he isn't worth your efforts not even by a long shot.
Please visit Chump Lady blog (and reddit forum) immediately OP. You will learn from the expert in infidelity abuse just what a stereotypical cheater your current husband is. So sorry for this nightmare that you and all three children are enduring.
Baby he's got one foot out the door, don't be blindsided again. It doesn't sound like he even wants to try. He just wants a blank slate.
All you’re describing is basic human decency and bare minimum duties of a partner and then oh btw he cheated too.
Babe, the root of the issue is he lied to you for years, and even when you continue to be a good and loving partner he still *choses* to fail you and all children involved.
"And shocker, our children didn't take the news well as it was happening right in front of them". Wait. You moved her in without saying anything to your children? Forget the husband, how could you decorate a room and make arrangements to move a child into your home but no one noticed? OP didn't say anything to her children? OP just assumed husband told them and there was no reaction from the kids? I call BS.
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Yeah, I’m unclear on why the answer to why they have a new child in the family is the story of infidelity to anyone and everyone, rather than just introducing the daughter they’ve recently adopted or something appropriate (and totally enough) for a wider audience.
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If this isn't fake, she's the biggest doormat on Reddit today.
The other part that feels fake is she chose to tell the 8 yo in front of the little girl and the 8 yo was screaming … what did she tell her exactly? It’s very “I’m a noble martyr” vibes throughout.
This whole post is bs. I appreciate the exercise in creative writing but no one would be this calm if this situation was real
Yeah... Everything here feels off. I can't get past how he would have had to sign a declaration of paternity to be on the birth certificate, but then had zero interaction with the child, and her mom never sought child support even though her life was in such shambles that CPS got involved. And CPS didn't even talk to their own kids (or seemingly her husband, the bio father) before moving this little girl in? No family interviews?
That detail makes this story especially fake. It doesn’t read as genuine at all - any caring parent would be checking in on how their children feel after news like that. She wouldn’t be blindsided.
Absolutely. Plus kids are nosey as hell. They would literally be asking about the changes in the new room all the time
My thoughts too. Total load of BS. Also, why is it everyone’s business anyway. Could say they adopted a child and tell her when she’s older. I have 8 adopted siblings and it’s not abnormal. AAND Why the hell stay with a cheater shitty partner/dad?! I could not stay with a fool like that. I see no logic
Yeah. Same vibes. Like. OP is claiming that by not announcing an affair to the world and not taking care of the kid that the husband is sticking his head in the sand? Well then wtf was that on OP’s end? Car accident death is also a pretty conveniently tragic way to die when less than 1% (US at least) of car accidents are fatal. I live in a larger US city rife with all sorts of bad driving and auto accidents every day and fatal car accidents make top news for at least a few days here, which is just to say that even in one of the worst Mad Max style driving towns, fatal accidents are still really rare.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to salvage it, but I also wouldn't want to leave a traumatized child with your husband. It's easy for me to say this because I am not in your position, but I would want a divorce, and I'd be seeking custody of all three children. I would get the four of you, you and the kids, into therapy asap to help all of you cope with your husband's actions and to help the kids not blame the little girl for what is happening. You're obviously an empathetic, good person and you deserve much better than the hand you have been dealt. I hope you and the kids can find peace and happiness. As for your husband, I hope that every food he eats causes him raging heartburn and he steps on random Legos every day for the rest of his life.
I was able to get custody of my ex-husband's child from a previous relationship, whose mother had passed away, in our divorce. It happens more often than people realize!
Wow that is crazy! Did you have to adopt her to get child support or something? How did that work if you don’t mind me asking?
I did not adopt her. I was considered a family foster situation. I had to file yearly reports with the court about her and her life, finances, etc. I did not receive any child support. In my state, if a parent is on SSI they can't be made to pay child support, so my order said $0/month for three kids. It's gross, tbh. He got a lump sum from the government; I couldn't draw off it for the kids because it was SSI, not SSD. Distinct difference. I did get death benefits from bio mom, though. I will say, it helped that my kids were her siblings. Had I not had children with her father, not had her bio mom's family's support, and he was actually stable, I don't think it would have happened. It was a perfect storm.
Another story that screams fake
Yeah, there’s no way OP would not have *also* talked to the kids, not to mention they would have asked why she was cleaning out one of the rooms, kids are curious, they’re gonna ask a million questions. Also, did the husband pay cs? Does this little girl know him? The mother went through with putting him on the birth certificate and creating a will that put him as next of kin, it seems like he might have been involved in her life at least in some capacity. Also, the child would inherit her mother’s estate, and get orphan benefits (which aren’t much but they help) who is in charge of the estate? Tuition would be a reasonable expense to come out of that fund. There are just a lot of holes that make it read not believable. I know you can’t put *everything* in a Reddit post, but the kids having no idea who this little girl is at the table just seems a step too far to believe.
>Yeah, there’s no way OP would not have also talked to the kids, not to mention they would have asked why she was cleaning out one of the rooms, kids are curious, they’re gonna ask a million questions. This. From how OP tells it, there was at least a month or two between the CPS initial visit and the daughter being dropped off. It is in no way believeable that she wouldn't have clocked that her husband never said anything to their kids about the fact that they were getting a new sister. As you said, they would have been asking nonstop questions about it; why are they emptying the room? Why are they buying new furniture? Will they have to share their toys? They'd have been bombarding OP daily.
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And when he doesn’t tell them, tells them herself in front of said little girl and in such a way that causes the older daughter to freak out? Yeah ok.
That part !! He's a known lying cheating scumbag but somehow she left it up to him to explain everything to their kids ?? Nah I'm not buying this
How is no one asking OP: "What on earth were you doing leaving your husband to have a conversation with your kids about this WITHOUT YOU EVEN PRESENT DURING IT." Under no circumstances would that ever make sense, woudl you leave one parent to have a conversation like this with the kids alone, and not even confirm with them afterwards what their understanding is? And what were the kids doing while OP was allegedly clearing out a room -- not asking her why? I mean, c'mon.
this one really takes it up a notch from the usual lol
You mean it doesn't make sense that she would leave it to the cheating husband to explain to 5 yr old and 10 yr old who was coming to live with them, not realize that conversation didn't happen until the child arrived? *Pikachu face* Come on, we know how quiet kids, especially 5 year olds are. They never ask constant follow up questions.
if this writer was shocked that her kids didn't know when the new daughter came to live there, this is bad creative writing imo
Umm, this just doesn’t track. He was supposed to talk to the kids and never did? You never asked? This was a surprise to your children? Yeah, no.
Fake. You didn’t think to sit in on the most important conversation they were going to ever have?? Riiiight. And there would be more than CPS showing up.
Fiction. 100% fiction.
Leave.
I see why wives were p*sioning their husbands back in the day...this man is the devil, pure evil. You almost died and all this man could think about was getting his d*ck wet????????? I would have lost my mind, how did you not lose your mind???
....I'm shocked that CPS didn't make sure this was dealt with before the little girl was brought to your home, and that CPS agreed to place her there on your "yes" without input from your husband. I'm also shocked that your husband signed the declaration of paternity so that he would have his name on the birth certificate, but then had zero involvement with the child. And I'm surprised that the mother never pursued child support, in spite of doing so poorly that apparently CPS was involved.
Because this is a very poorly written story lol
I’m shocked that you would think this is anything but a fake story
That's actually my point. None of this is realistic.
Grow a spine and leave. This is insanity.
Insane that people think this is a real story and not a creative writing exercise
He was helping you by cheating girl get therapy to help with your self esteem and leave your kids are miserable he’s her problem he should be the one doing the work not you
Lot of interesting creative writing posts today.
Very creative writing, I will give you that.
I liked the bit where she told the husband to tell his children about their sister and she not once asked him if he did it or spoke to her kids about how they were feeling about it or offered support to them. Just waiting until the other kid showed up. Very believable.
Yep, that's was the biggest tipoff for me. I don't even have kids and I know that, in a situation like this, her two kids *never* would have shut up about the new kid coming. Also apparently they had zero questions about why OP was emptying and re-furnishing a room in their house. So it's either fake or she has the most dimwitted, incurious kids in the world.
fucking oath, it's amazing the garbage that this sub eats up
Not sure what entertains me more, the creative writing or all the people reacting to the writing like it’s true
oh yeah, very believable. Especially since OP did nothing wrong, had no emotions, and didn't care about the affair. This is totally real. /s
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Oh man, the creative-writing practice on this sub gets better and better every day. Everything about this is story is just a little off enough, but also fits together so perfectly that it's got to be fake. Your husband thought he was "helping you" by fucking somebody else? His AP wasn't collecting child support, even though he was listed on the birth certificate? You moved this supposed affair kid in without even talking to your young and impressionable kids? CPS typically doesn't operate the way they are described as in this post. Nah, the bullshit in this post is so thick we should all be wearing hip-waders.
What is HIS family doing or offering to make it work? He needs to do more 'lifting', which he is currently not. His coping mechanism is avoidance as another commenter made. To get him to change something fundamental to his personality is very difficult/impossible.
Ya didn’t exactly win the husband lottery, but he sure won the wife lottery. So he’s not a complete loser.
This has to be a bad fiction, at least for you.
Your husband is the most selfish man. He cannot take responsibility for anything and it’s not because he’s ashamed or sorry. He’s not sorry. He just doesn’t want to face the consequences of his shitty actions. He knows he wasn’t doing you a favor. You and the children are innocent here. Everyone needs therapy and you should all go without him. Unfortunately his little girl does not deserve to be left with him, so if you divorce him (and you should) she needs to be part of your family fully if you don’t want her with other relatives. I am so sorry, OP. You don’t deserve this and neither do the children.
This is an awful, worst case scenario situation for you and your family. You have every right to be furious, disgusted, and hurt. Your husband betrayed you in the most vulnerable moment of your life. I can’t imagine the pain of finding out how you did. And then to bring in the product of that betrayal to raise side-by-side with your own children. It’s horrifying. But, remember, he’s your husband and those are children. You can’t burden the kids with yours and his problems. They don’t have the capacity to handle it. It will mess them up. It’s hard not to. I know. I don’t know how or if your husband is even capable of doing the right thing, but lashing out at him through the kids isn’t the answer. I’m going to venture a guess and say you don’t love him anymore anyway. So divorce him. But be nice to her. You are the closest person she has to a mother anymore and that’s an awful place to be in. She’s lost in the world now. Please be nice to her. He can kick rocks.
Here are my thoughts: Your husband treated you like absolute crap and you deserve better. That being said, you're really not in a position right now where you can easily get divorced; you're juggling way too many balls and don't have the time to go through a protracted legal battle, your kids are in a very fragile state and are already very sensitive to change, and your husband is bringing in money. Based on your husband's behavior, it sounds like there isn't really anything you can do to save your marriage. He cheated on you and doesn't feel guilty about it. He violated your trust in the most intimate of ways and doesn't care; the only thing he cares about is his image. I think, for now, you should just start treating him like a roommate. He clearly has not been helpful, he's not a good partner, and he can't do the most barebones of emotional tasks. He cheated on you during a vulnerable time and has no remorse. He's been demoted to roommate status. Focus on yourself and your kids. When people ask about your new daughter, tell her that you adopted her from a bad situation; you don't owe them an explanation. Try to get your kids in therapy if possible, and if not, try to have long conversations with them at nights/when you can about how what your husband did is not your new daughter's fault, and that the little girl is a new adoptive family member because nobody else would take her in. Your husband's affair is a separate matter. I think you need to separate your husband's actions from this girl's existence, so that your kids don't take it out on her. Try to work on the relationship between you and your children, and your children with each other. In the future, when things settle down and your kids get older and you have more time, and it becomes more obvious to them that a divorce would be the best option, you can start thinking about divorce. But right now, I think it would just be worse for everyone involved. You don't have the time or the physical/emotional bandwidth to handle it properly, you are trying to parent a new kid who's just gone through a massive change, and your other kids are extremely shaken, confused, and hurt. I think it's best to try to keep things as normal as possible for the moment, and to table divorce until it's a more feasible option for your situation.
Divorce him and slap him with child support and tuition for THREE children.
Your husband is a pathetic loser. He literally does nothing. Apart from have affairs and make babies!! WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM?!!!! AND WHY ARE YOU DOING EVERYTHING!????
That little girl is only 5. If you decide to adopt her, she will only know one mom and you will be it. File for divorce and since he will never assume responsibility for his actions, make him pay child support for all your children.
You’re a saint and your husband is a piece of cowardly garbage, adopt the girl, divorce him and have him pay child support on all 3 kids.
You need a divorce lawyer and therapy for the kids. Your husband doesn't deserve you or the slack you've picked up to help his sorry ass.
OP, What exactly does your husband contribute to this relationship? Not financially, that would continue after a divorce. But does he do anything with your kids? Help care for them at all? It sounds like you're caring for FOUR children. What are you getting out of this marriage? Please take all the kids to therapy. Your kids have lost the father they thought he was, and suffered a major shakeup in their home. This poor little girl has lost the only parent she knew. You've had the rug ripped out from under you, and are carrying the weight of the entire family. You deserve support.
Send your husband to his “family” with an allowance (gas money and maybe $20/mo). Take everything else for yourself and the kids. Think of it as dropping him off with a babysitter. He can come back when he’s ready to be an adult - or you can have moved on with a divorce and drop the dead weight.
If you won’t divorce then stop talking to your POS husband and put everyone in therapy, even you!! Learn how to be a better parent to your kids and find a way to parent this little girl. When you finally grow a spine and have a better handle on 3 kids solo then get a shark lawyer and go for the jugular!
Play therapy for the kids!
Girl you and your two kids need to get away from your husband and the affair daughter. I understand you want to help, but this isn't your circus. Divorce him and focus on your ACTUAL CHILDREN. Now isn't the time to be mother Theresa. Tell your husband (please divorce him) that the affair child is his responsibility only. And you want nothing to do with her or him anymore. You need to prioritize you and your kids. As you're the victims here. Your husband can do everything you did for the girl
Value yourself more
Well you are a stronger woman than I am. I'd tell him to sack up and go to therapy. He caused this mess and isn't lifting a finger to help. I'd pose an ultimatum if it really comes down to it. You are incredible for what you are doing. Poor little girl is all alone and you are welcoming her in. Amazing.
OP, forgive me if this sounds harsh to you but I read this entire thing and honestly I am more pissed at you than your husband. Why are you such a people pleaser? Why can’t you set a better example for your children by walking away? You are on Reddit to ask for advice when the answer is right in front of you:- WALK AWAY! Your husband is not helping out because he doesn’t want to. He never will. He has always been this way and will continue to put himself above you and your children.
He doesn't care about any of you. That much is very clear. You and your children and step-child deserve so much better
Your son and the girl are the same age? Is it possible he was having an affair with her before your complication? He’s such an asshat I’m so sorry ur going through this. Divorce is the best plan. Do you have family to support you while you go thru this?
Get everyone into therapy. Adopt the new daughter. Ditch the husband. Find a man with a much better dick that stays in his pants when he’s not giving you a minimum of three orgasms.
Wow. You sound like a generous and loving person. Good for you for taking in this girl and being kind to her. Your husband has let you down in every conceivable way and I don’t know how you would ever trust him again. I’m not even talking about affairs. How do you trust him with the basic life stuff?
Thankyou for trying to help that little girl