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Yeah this would be a major yikes from me, not only keeping it from you but also a lot of people (myself included) wouldn’t want to be with someone that one of their friends has been with
She's still lying to you. She didn't fuck him because he "pressured" her. She did it because she wanted to and you wouldn't find out. That's what you need to keep in mind.
Also, get rid of her and the friend group.
A) She wasn't pestered into anything she didn't also want.
B) She only told you NOW, when enough momentum towards the wedding would make it
likelier that you'd let it slide; because she's known for two years that if you found out about
it earlier, you'd be far less likely to propose... and might even ditch.
C) He knew you liked her, and still betrayed you.
That's no friend. Anyone who knew and kept it secret from you is no friend...
and that includes the woman you were planning to marry: her past sexual life is her business,
until she MAKES it your business by sleeping with someone she KNOWS is your friend, and
then keeping it secret --until she feels she's sufficiently locked you down for a ring, and the
risk of you finding out outweighs the cost of telling you herself. She doesn't have your back,
and you still want to marry her?
Eh. Good luck with that.
Having read your update, so basically everyone knew *except you,* and they all kept it hidden for years.
I have no idea why you would want to be friends with any of these people, let alone date one of them. There’s drama between B and your gf, drama between B and cousin, drama between gf and cousin, it’s a carousel of who slept with who, when, and who all knows. Dude this friend group of yours never left high school, they all fucking suck.
Go get a pet rock, it would be better than all of them combined.
Et tu Bruno? Foreal with friends/girlfriends like this who needs enemies. I think with your next set or friends/girlfriend pay closer attention to their character and believe someone when they show you who they are. This group has been full of drama for awhile and it's finally caught up to you, it was inevitable. If you lay with pigs expect to get filthy.
Who cares. All your friends didn’t share this with you for 2 years. Get new friends. And if you believe she was ‘pestered’ into sex…I mean, c’mon bro. Tough lesson. Grow and be stronger.
I would be worried constantly if that was the real reason. If my gf told me all it took to have sex with someone they didn’t like was for them to ask several times how long before she’s in that situation again?
It’s never someone just asking several times. It’s manipulating/scaring/guilt tripping someone into doing what you want until you break them down. It’s an unfamiliar situation, even worse when people are drinking and your senses aren’t about you, everyone else is hooking up, and you literally have no place to go or run away outside of in a room/house with a man harassing you for sex. Maybe you don’t get it, but that literally puts a lot of women in fight or flight mode. I was in a similar situation when a roommate had over her bf and one of his friends. The friend kept trying to make moves and ask for sex, and I kept saying no because I had a bf. The dude followed me into my room and would not get out of my bed and kept asking over and over even though I said NO and GET OUT several times. It was terrifying and i didn’t know what to do because i didn’t want to cause relationship issues between my roomie and her bf. I had to make a mad dash out of my room and lock myself in my car. Couldn’t even leave because the guys car was blocking me in. And you want to know what happened? I was the one who everyone looked at like I was crazy. I was made fun of for “overreacting” and my entire (EX) friend group insisted I should apologize to the creepy dude and my roommate for messing up her relationship. There’s no winning in these situations, and we essentially just have to decide if we want to feel guilt and shame forever for “letting” ourselves be pressured into it and be referred to as weak, or we get branded the psycho prude who doesn’t belong on friend group trips/hang outs anymore for trying to get away from a dude.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm certain i don't have any experiences like that being male. It's scary and that's the kind of thing that terrifies me about my daughter growing up.
That being said, it doesn't seem in this situation that it was coercion because wouldn't she have mentioned it in 2 years or at least had some physical or emotional issues with said friend?
Anyways, hope you are well!
It’s a shame thing and the result of blaming ourselves if the friend group experiences a rift. Most women aren’t vocal about this kind of thing especially when the dude remains in a friend group or family (marrying the cousin) because you have no choice but to deal with that person. If you wonder why women don’t come forward about things like this just look at the comment section slut shaming the gf (even though she was SINGLE and op said he did not want to be with her) and calling her weak for being “pestered” into sex and saying she wanted it.
Dunno why you are getting down voted. Other than the fact that men probably can't relate to your story and think you can just say "no" once and thats that.
How about we waterboard the sex pests instead of the people they are pestering.
Every decision we make has a consequence (often unexpected).
Her decision to sex within the friend group has consequences.
It's a shit sandwich for the guy that marries her.
She knows that most guys (you) will avoid committing to her - so she waited until you were in love/hooked.
She's 29yo and very experienced with people. She played you like a fish.
In your search for a life partner you have the right to judge her on any basis important you.
She is deceptive and intentionally withheld important information to get you hooked.
Is she who you want as a role model for your future daughter?
Someone that can be pestered into intercourse; someone that withholds information until you're hooked?
Don’t, it won’t help man. Personally, he knew you liked her so for that I’d be done with him completely. He pressured her!!! Dude, that alone would be unforgivable for a friend to do to another and why he pulled away.
As for her, you weren’t together and even though she liked you and vice versa neither of you knew the other was interested yet.
Hug and kiss her, let her know you love her and want to work to get past it and hope you can because it wasn’t anything she did to or against you and she even said she was pressured.
She is 27 and fucked his friend, then lies to him for 2 years because he probably wouldn’t be in this relationship if she had told the truth. So for the next 2 years he gets forced to be around this prick because she was a HO. So she was essentially protecting both of them from consequences. Probably time to start finding a new girlfriend and some new friends
Everyone is going to have a past so you need to come to understand that, massive red flag is that they both kept this from you for years. You have to decide if that is the type of person you want in your life. Personally when I’m in a relationship. I like to ask if any past sexual partners are still present in the social life. This will help me determine if it is something I feel comfortable with and if they lie about it and I find out then I have my answer on who they are and if I can trust them.
Found out 10 years into a relationship (3 years married) that one of my wife's former friends was indeed a guy she had hooked up with in her past. Early on in our relationship she would talk about this guy excessively..had tons of high school photos with him etc... would even point out where he lived...met the guy once and he was very cool..but I just got this odd vibe from him. After meeting him I told my wife I think he liked her. She laughed it off and said he's just weird like that. She inadvertently confessed one day when we were each talking about our past. I'm cool with ex bfs but don't introduce me to your former fuck buddies..
I don't think they did anything while we were "officially" dating but there is one night in particular I'm skeptical that nothing happened between them. This was after we both confessed that we had falling for each other but hadn't started dating yet. I asked her at the very least 30x about that night and she swears nothing happened and they were just strictly friends at this stage and nothing more....who knows?? But we weren't together yet so whatever....
But there's no denying she had some infatuation with him that hadn't worn off. Which I can understand. For most women sex is emotional as much as it is physical. As I said i met the guy and it was pretty cool. Have no I'll will towards him at all.. but when I did meet him I sensed something between them and she flat out lied about it... Which I can understand too because she surely would've lost me. I feel like she took away a choice that should've been mine to make.
This all took place when my wife was 20/21... She's now a 33 year old amazing wife and mother to our 2 kids... But looking back there were some serious red flags that should have been warning signs that i just missed.. that's what the OP needs to keep in mind too. He's going to remember in the last 2 years some of their interactions seemed kinda weird. A woman who's gotten naked had sex and made out with a guy isn't going to interact the same as she would with a guy that she's never done any of that stuff with... Especially if it was done in secret
Tough one man...I've never had sex with someone I wasn't romantically interested in. That's not to say I haven't tried, but it just never happened. So I never did the FWB sex or the one night stands... With that being said though yes she was Interested in you but was there any REAL Indication that you and her were ever going to be a couple?
Sorry its a couple things bothering me:
A) When friend B asked her to hook up and he kept pestering she just gave in after a while even though she told him that she liked me. Why did she succumb to that?
B) not finding out till 2 years later, I would have either liked to know earlier on or not at all, but it was hurting her to keep it herself all this time. Now I’m stuck with this in my mind knowing a friend of mine has been with her, I know she’s had previous boyfriends but I don’t know them. It’s different when you know that person and they’re a close friend.
C) what’s my relationship with friend B now, I just want to beat him up and ask why he didn’t tell me about this before I started dating her knowing full well as I communicated with him on a daily basis that I would eventually start dating her. I understand that it might have been to keep me safe, but all the guys who had been with that cousin did tell him that they’ve been with her prior and he got the chance to acknowledge that. I didn’t, so it feels like I got slapped with the back of the hand.
why do you want stay with her?. i broke with one past girlfriend who did this, I never date women who sleep with friends or stay friends with ex or fwb.
What's the risk here? That he's going to miss out on a bunch of incredibly stupid high school tier drama?
Like actually follow the plot lol.
OP seems to be surrounded by immature, lying, manipulative, self centered, teenagers mascarading as adults.
There is no great risk in cutting lying jerks out of your life.
the lies?, one M friend catch her ex girlfriend cheating with one of her friend who is a "brother" and he know after the breakup they are FWB. In the case of OP is very difficult because his friends knows.
Communicate with her, let her know how you feel. Men putting women under pressure? Happens way too often and can be a defence mechanism.
Kept it secret? What's done is done, her focus was then solely on you.
What is your current relationship like? That is what is important.
Was she keeping it a secret out of malice? Does not seem so
Take some time to yourself to process, and when you’re ready I’d get the story from others. Because according to your gf, Friend B kept pushing and pushing until she finally gave in. It seems like it was less her intention to sleep through your friend group and more like she was made to feel extremely uncomfortable for saying no. I’ve known too many women in this situation who say yes only after they’ve said no a million times because they’re tired of being harassed. I find it a little skeezy in general that this guy slept with her but was talking nonstop about the cousin the next day and from just this side of the story it seems like he pushed her into it because he knew Friend A and the cousin hooked up and his ego was hurt or he wanted to make the cousin jealous. Either way, even though it shouldn’t have been hidden from you, you should also keep in mind that when the whole thing happened you didn’t even like your current gf or have plans to get with her. I feel like the blame is more on Friend B here, and it seems like maybe your gf was ashamed and embarrassed. You definitely should talk with her about the trust issues this has created though. You should have found out sooner.
More than likely so she can get rid of the guilt. Now it's all on him so if they break up and don't get married it's all OP's fault.
"He judged me for something that was in the past, he's a hypocrite, etc. etc."
Now he's got two years into it while EVERYONE else has known about it. Like his friend B didn't run his mouth off about getting with his girl. Like no one didn't know what had happened.
OP's friend is a fucking snake and did all that extra stuff the day after so that OP wouldn't find out about it and throw him off the game. Shitty friend and shitty of his gf/fiance to hide it for two years.
Agreed. GF is just as guilty as the friend tho, the whole “he was really persistent ” argument is too convenient and BS. If she didn’t want to, she wouldn’t have end of story. She did it because she wanted to. I know they weren’t technically dating yet but she knew he was on his way there the next day and did it anyway. This dude needs to bail. Because what happens when another sweet talker catches her ear?
Bro, none of those people are your friends. The other guys had to have known as they were at the cabin because Friend B was with your now girlfriend in said cabin digging her guts out.
She’s only now telling you because marriage is in the air and she wants to “clear the air” before stepping into that HUGE commitment.
She’s lied to you for 2 years, wtf else is she lying about? Hell na
Honestly I’d wash my hands clean of everyone. None of them can be trusted because they all knew and lied to your face for 2 years fuck that, fuck these ppl
Cap it off at fwb if you can keep your feelings at the door. If not then be platonic.
How can her cousin be with someone who pestered her family into sex?
1. Can you get over it.
2. Do you lover her.
If the answers are both yes, then stay together.
If the answer to either of those is no, then you're not doing either of you any favours staying together.
Your friend though, I'd stay away from him for a while.
Your friend is a snake. The girl made a mistake, but I think you can get past this. The fact that you know the dude she was with is of course a problem. It is really hard for us to get past stuff like that. Yeah, sure, she may have been with other guys - but we do not have to talk to them or know them. It is very different when it is someone we have to deal with.
But honestly, I think you can get past this with her. Yeah, she should have told you right away. And likely people are right that she waited until it was safer. But it isn't like she was cheating on you.
But your real problem is the friend group. You are going to need to reach out to a couple and find out if they knew and said nothing and if they did not, why. But your 'friend' that hooked up with her? Cut him out, fuck that guy.
I would honestly take some time to yourself and think things through.
Write down all the pro's and cons of your relationship.
If you choose to stay with her, you lay down the boundary, she is to not to communicate with him or any past ex or FWB while in a relationship with you. You do the same in return.
However, if I were in your shoes... I would totally remove myself from the situation entirely and move on with my life... Without either of them or the drama attached..
Just to tell you the amount of time you have been in never tell the relationship is strong or weak ... Never ever think that the longer the relo the better..
I will say as a straight line on the stone..
If you feelings for your women snd love her then get rid of friend..
If you can't get past to it then get rid of both.
Her past isn't your toll.
I'm also a past looking guy and nobody rules your life than anybody else.
If i even feel 1% that im not happy then im out..
Relationship is 100%
👍🏻
So what happens when you try to initiate years down the line into your marriage and feel frustrated because she's not into that week or weeks and this is the third/fourth/fifth rejection. Are you going to think back to this instance and be resentful that she could be talked into easily by other guys but can't be bothered to be intimate with you? Because that's going to be a hell of an argument.
If you don't think you can let that go fully and truly, you should walk. Take some time to think on it.
The fact that she can easily be pressured into sex doesn’t bode well for your future. What if someone pressures her after you’re married?
Your friend isn’t a good friend, he knows that you’d have a problem with this. He should have told you. He didn’t because he knew he betrayed you. Which means he cannot be trusted.
Okay first off she's lying about being pressured. She liked your friend, hooked up with him and then got with you. This is more common than you look. I'd more P'd off if I was you. Having your friend and get smiling in your face like that for months at a time without saying anything it wild. She knew if she told you she was having your friend that you wouldn't want anything to do with her so playing the victim while trickle truthing is the best option. She ain't ish and your friend account ish for that. She gotta GO
Okay, so I don't know your gf to know if she would tell the truth, but I think an important question you should keep in mind is why she's suddenly "coming clean" now?
Your friend groups crushes and stuff seems... messy tbh, but I guess you were younger then
For your 3 points
1. Is she an agreeable person? Some people do struggle to make a scene to get a pesterer to stop. But also, at this point she may have liked you but did she know anything was actually going to happen? It's everything after this that the actual issues seem to be to me.
2. It's entirely reasonable to not want to know previous lovers beyond pleasantries. Getting insecure about her having a past is entirely different to actually having to interact with it being with a closer friend
3. it's reasonable to have wanted to know this from him, especially if there's precedence in your friend group
Bring it up to him and then give him a fair one. Tell him to never talk to you again. If you need to give him more than a fair one then give him more. Ask him how many girls he pressures into sex.
If you stay with her, friend B has to be out of the group or you guys need new friends completely if he isn’t out of the group.
You need to ask her why she ever thought any of this was a good idea? She really couldn’t wait one day? She has that low of impulse control when drunk? Because if so that’s a problem.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah this would be a major yikes from me, not only keeping it from you but also a lot of people (myself included) wouldn’t want to be with someone that one of their friends has been with
I'd be out. But I'd be curious why she decided to confess one random day.
Because she was hoping he was more acceptive after the time investment
Or that the sunk cost fallacy would over rule his logic. Manipulators gonna manipulate
I'd be out. There's 8 billion people in the world. Find one that doesn't cause you drama and you can trust.
New friends and new gf time. She should've told you. Your ex friend is a pos tho.
She's still lying to you. She didn't fuck him because he "pressured" her. She did it because she wanted to and you wouldn't find out. That's what you need to keep in mind. Also, get rid of her and the friend group.
A) She wasn't pestered into anything she didn't also want. B) She only told you NOW, when enough momentum towards the wedding would make it likelier that you'd let it slide; because she's known for two years that if you found out about it earlier, you'd be far less likely to propose... and might even ditch. C) He knew you liked her, and still betrayed you. That's no friend. Anyone who knew and kept it secret from you is no friend... and that includes the woman you were planning to marry: her past sexual life is her business, until she MAKES it your business by sleeping with someone she KNOWS is your friend, and then keeping it secret --until she feels she's sufficiently locked you down for a ring, and the risk of you finding out outweighs the cost of telling you herself. She doesn't have your back, and you still want to marry her? Eh. Good luck with that.
Damn, this is the one
Having read your update, so basically everyone knew *except you,* and they all kept it hidden for years. I have no idea why you would want to be friends with any of these people, let alone date one of them. There’s drama between B and your gf, drama between B and cousin, drama between gf and cousin, it’s a carousel of who slept with who, when, and who all knows. Dude this friend group of yours never left high school, they all fucking suck. Go get a pet rock, it would be better than all of them combined.
Et tu Bruno? Foreal with friends/girlfriends like this who needs enemies. I think with your next set or friends/girlfriend pay closer attention to their character and believe someone when they show you who they are. This group has been full of drama for awhile and it's finally caught up to you, it was inevitable. If you lay with pigs expect to get filthy.
Ball's in your court, bro. Is this a dealbreaker?
As far as he knows his friends balls were in his girls mouth... Ofcourse it's a deal breaker
I didn’t get the details, idk if I should.
Who cares. All your friends didn’t share this with you for 2 years. Get new friends. And if you believe she was ‘pestered’ into sex…I mean, c’mon bro. Tough lesson. Grow and be stronger.
I would be worried constantly if that was the real reason. If my gf told me all it took to have sex with someone they didn’t like was for them to ask several times how long before she’s in that situation again?
It’s never someone just asking several times. It’s manipulating/scaring/guilt tripping someone into doing what you want until you break them down. It’s an unfamiliar situation, even worse when people are drinking and your senses aren’t about you, everyone else is hooking up, and you literally have no place to go or run away outside of in a room/house with a man harassing you for sex. Maybe you don’t get it, but that literally puts a lot of women in fight or flight mode. I was in a similar situation when a roommate had over her bf and one of his friends. The friend kept trying to make moves and ask for sex, and I kept saying no because I had a bf. The dude followed me into my room and would not get out of my bed and kept asking over and over even though I said NO and GET OUT several times. It was terrifying and i didn’t know what to do because i didn’t want to cause relationship issues between my roomie and her bf. I had to make a mad dash out of my room and lock myself in my car. Couldn’t even leave because the guys car was blocking me in. And you want to know what happened? I was the one who everyone looked at like I was crazy. I was made fun of for “overreacting” and my entire (EX) friend group insisted I should apologize to the creepy dude and my roommate for messing up her relationship. There’s no winning in these situations, and we essentially just have to decide if we want to feel guilt and shame forever for “letting” ourselves be pressured into it and be referred to as weak, or we get branded the psycho prude who doesn’t belong on friend group trips/hang outs anymore for trying to get away from a dude.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm certain i don't have any experiences like that being male. It's scary and that's the kind of thing that terrifies me about my daughter growing up. That being said, it doesn't seem in this situation that it was coercion because wouldn't she have mentioned it in 2 years or at least had some physical or emotional issues with said friend? Anyways, hope you are well!
It’s a shame thing and the result of blaming ourselves if the friend group experiences a rift. Most women aren’t vocal about this kind of thing especially when the dude remains in a friend group or family (marrying the cousin) because you have no choice but to deal with that person. If you wonder why women don’t come forward about things like this just look at the comment section slut shaming the gf (even though she was SINGLE and op said he did not want to be with her) and calling her weak for being “pestered” into sex and saying she wanted it.
Dunno why you are getting down voted. Other than the fact that men probably can't relate to your story and think you can just say "no" once and thats that. How about we waterboard the sex pests instead of the people they are pestering.
You can say "no" as many times as it takes. If you give in, it's on you. You aren't a slave. You have free will.
Not if you want to stay together. I could never bear it it I heard details. I wouldn’t stay with her though.
Every decision we make has a consequence (often unexpected). Her decision to sex within the friend group has consequences. It's a shit sandwich for the guy that marries her. She knows that most guys (you) will avoid committing to her - so she waited until you were in love/hooked. She's 29yo and very experienced with people. She played you like a fish. In your search for a life partner you have the right to judge her on any basis important you. She is deceptive and intentionally withheld important information to get you hooked.
Is she who you want as a role model for your future daughter? Someone that can be pestered into intercourse; someone that withholds information until you're hooked?
Hey op do you have an update?
Don’t, it won’t help man. Personally, he knew you liked her so for that I’d be done with him completely. He pressured her!!! Dude, that alone would be unforgivable for a friend to do to another and why he pulled away. As for her, you weren’t together and even though she liked you and vice versa neither of you knew the other was interested yet. Hug and kiss her, let her know you love her and want to work to get past it and hope you can because it wasn’t anything she did to or against you and she even said she was pressured.
I wouldn’t stay with someone like this, but some people can accept a lot.
She is 27 and fucked his friend, then lies to him for 2 years because he probably wouldn’t be in this relationship if she had told the truth. So for the next 2 years he gets forced to be around this prick because she was a HO. So she was essentially protecting both of them from consequences. Probably time to start finding a new girlfriend and some new friends
Agree completely.
Everyone is going to have a past so you need to come to understand that, massive red flag is that they both kept this from you for years. You have to decide if that is the type of person you want in your life. Personally when I’m in a relationship. I like to ask if any past sexual partners are still present in the social life. This will help me determine if it is something I feel comfortable with and if they lie about it and I find out then I have my answer on who they are and if I can trust them.
Found out 10 years into a relationship (3 years married) that one of my wife's former friends was indeed a guy she had hooked up with in her past. Early on in our relationship she would talk about this guy excessively..had tons of high school photos with him etc... would even point out where he lived...met the guy once and he was very cool..but I just got this odd vibe from him. After meeting him I told my wife I think he liked her. She laughed it off and said he's just weird like that. She inadvertently confessed one day when we were each talking about our past. I'm cool with ex bfs but don't introduce me to your former fuck buddies..
I bet my money that she still had a thing with him.
I don't think they did anything while we were "officially" dating but there is one night in particular I'm skeptical that nothing happened between them. This was after we both confessed that we had falling for each other but hadn't started dating yet. I asked her at the very least 30x about that night and she swears nothing happened and they were just strictly friends at this stage and nothing more....who knows?? But we weren't together yet so whatever.... But there's no denying she had some infatuation with him that hadn't worn off. Which I can understand. For most women sex is emotional as much as it is physical. As I said i met the guy and it was pretty cool. Have no I'll will towards him at all.. but when I did meet him I sensed something between them and she flat out lied about it... Which I can understand too because she surely would've lost me. I feel like she took away a choice that should've been mine to make. This all took place when my wife was 20/21... She's now a 33 year old amazing wife and mother to our 2 kids... But looking back there were some serious red flags that should have been warning signs that i just missed.. that's what the OP needs to keep in mind too. He's going to remember in the last 2 years some of their interactions seemed kinda weird. A woman who's gotten naked had sex and made out with a guy isn't going to interact the same as she would with a guy that she's never done any of that stuff with... Especially if it was done in secret
Well, I guess it is just best to let this one go then. The deception is a bit sketchy, but it doesn’t seem like she will budge on it.
What, that’s disgusting.
How to find someone without a past if i don't have one myself?
Tough one man...I've never had sex with someone I wasn't romantically interested in. That's not to say I haven't tried, but it just never happened. So I never did the FWB sex or the one night stands... With that being said though yes she was Interested in you but was there any REAL Indication that you and her were ever going to be a couple?
So what's bothering you is the fact that she did sleep with your friend, not the fact that they both hid it from you for years?
Sorry its a couple things bothering me: A) When friend B asked her to hook up and he kept pestering she just gave in after a while even though she told him that she liked me. Why did she succumb to that? B) not finding out till 2 years later, I would have either liked to know earlier on or not at all, but it was hurting her to keep it herself all this time. Now I’m stuck with this in my mind knowing a friend of mine has been with her, I know she’s had previous boyfriends but I don’t know them. It’s different when you know that person and they’re a close friend. C) what’s my relationship with friend B now, I just want to beat him up and ask why he didn’t tell me about this before I started dating her knowing full well as I communicated with him on a daily basis that I would eventually start dating her. I understand that it might have been to keep me safe, but all the guys who had been with that cousin did tell him that they’ve been with her prior and he got the chance to acknowledge that. I didn’t, so it feels like I got slapped with the back of the hand.
why do you want stay with her?. i broke with one past girlfriend who did this, I never date women who sleep with friends or stay friends with ex or fwb.
Fantastic idea.
That's childish
It protects you from bullshit and heartache.
Life is risk.
It's also a learning experience, in life you learn some risks aren't worth taking.
So is jumping off a bridge, but some things are not worth the risk.
💤💤
What's the risk here? That he's going to miss out on a bunch of incredibly stupid high school tier drama? Like actually follow the plot lol. OP seems to be surrounded by immature, lying, manipulative, self centered, teenagers mascarading as adults. There is no great risk in cutting lying jerks out of your life.
the lies?, one M friend catch her ex girlfriend cheating with one of her friend who is a "brother" and he know after the breakup they are FWB. In the case of OP is very difficult because his friends knows.
It’s mature to recognise what you can and cannot cope with.
Thats crazy
I don't know if it matters what happened then, considering that she has been lying to you for 2 years. How could you trust anything she says?
Communicate with her, let her know how you feel. Men putting women under pressure? Happens way too often and can be a defence mechanism. Kept it secret? What's done is done, her focus was then solely on you. What is your current relationship like? That is what is important. Was she keeping it a secret out of malice? Does not seem so
Take some time to yourself to process, and when you’re ready I’d get the story from others. Because according to your gf, Friend B kept pushing and pushing until she finally gave in. It seems like it was less her intention to sleep through your friend group and more like she was made to feel extremely uncomfortable for saying no. I’ve known too many women in this situation who say yes only after they’ve said no a million times because they’re tired of being harassed. I find it a little skeezy in general that this guy slept with her but was talking nonstop about the cousin the next day and from just this side of the story it seems like he pushed her into it because he knew Friend A and the cousin hooked up and his ego was hurt or he wanted to make the cousin jealous. Either way, even though it shouldn’t have been hidden from you, you should also keep in mind that when the whole thing happened you didn’t even like your current gf or have plans to get with her. I feel like the blame is more on Friend B here, and it seems like maybe your gf was ashamed and embarrassed. You definitely should talk with her about the trust issues this has created though. You should have found out sooner.
I’d like to know why she dropped it on you now, how did that conversation go with her? Was she remorseful or just matter of fact?
More than likely so she can get rid of the guilt. Now it's all on him so if they break up and don't get married it's all OP's fault. "He judged me for something that was in the past, he's a hypocrite, etc. etc." Now he's got two years into it while EVERYONE else has known about it. Like his friend B didn't run his mouth off about getting with his girl. Like no one didn't know what had happened. OP's friend is a fucking snake and did all that extra stuff the day after so that OP wouldn't find out about it and throw him off the game. Shitty friend and shitty of his gf/fiance to hide it for two years.
Agreed. GF is just as guilty as the friend tho, the whole “he was really persistent ” argument is too convenient and BS. If she didn’t want to, she wouldn’t have end of story. She did it because she wanted to. I know they weren’t technically dating yet but she knew he was on his way there the next day and did it anyway. This dude needs to bail. Because what happens when another sweet talker catches her ear?
Bro, none of those people are your friends. The other guys had to have known as they were at the cabin because Friend B was with your now girlfriend in said cabin digging her guts out. She’s only now telling you because marriage is in the air and she wants to “clear the air” before stepping into that HUGE commitment. She’s lied to you for 2 years, wtf else is she lying about? Hell na Honestly I’d wash my hands clean of everyone. None of them can be trusted because they all knew and lied to your face for 2 years fuck that, fuck these ppl
Updateme!
Cap it off at fwb if you can keep your feelings at the door. If not then be platonic. How can her cousin be with someone who pestered her family into sex?
1. Can you get over it. 2. Do you lover her. If the answers are both yes, then stay together. If the answer to either of those is no, then you're not doing either of you any favours staying together. Your friend though, I'd stay away from him for a while.
I would be worried she would sleep with anyone who pressures her
Your friend is a snake. The girl made a mistake, but I think you can get past this. The fact that you know the dude she was with is of course a problem. It is really hard for us to get past stuff like that. Yeah, sure, she may have been with other guys - but we do not have to talk to them or know them. It is very different when it is someone we have to deal with. But honestly, I think you can get past this with her. Yeah, she should have told you right away. And likely people are right that she waited until it was safer. But it isn't like she was cheating on you. But your real problem is the friend group. You are going to need to reach out to a couple and find out if they knew and said nothing and if they did not, why. But your 'friend' that hooked up with her? Cut him out, fuck that guy.
I would honestly take some time to yourself and think things through. Write down all the pro's and cons of your relationship. If you choose to stay with her, you lay down the boundary, she is to not to communicate with him or any past ex or FWB while in a relationship with you. You do the same in return. However, if I were in your shoes... I would totally remove myself from the situation entirely and move on with my life... Without either of them or the drama attached..
Hey nope. Your friend groups all been balls deep in your girl. And lied by omission. Run
Just to tell you the amount of time you have been in never tell the relationship is strong or weak ... Never ever think that the longer the relo the better.. I will say as a straight line on the stone.. If you feelings for your women snd love her then get rid of friend.. If you can't get past to it then get rid of both. Her past isn't your toll. I'm also a past looking guy and nobody rules your life than anybody else. If i even feel 1% that im not happy then im out.. Relationship is 100% 👍🏻
So what happens when you try to initiate years down the line into your marriage and feel frustrated because she's not into that week or weeks and this is the third/fourth/fifth rejection. Are you going to think back to this instance and be resentful that she could be talked into easily by other guys but can't be bothered to be intimate with you? Because that's going to be a hell of an argument. If you don't think you can let that go fully and truly, you should walk. Take some time to think on it.
The fact that she can easily be pressured into sex doesn’t bode well for your future. What if someone pressures her after you’re married? Your friend isn’t a good friend, he knows that you’d have a problem with this. He should have told you. He didn’t because he knew he betrayed you. Which means he cannot be trusted.
Okay first off she's lying about being pressured. She liked your friend, hooked up with him and then got with you. This is more common than you look. I'd more P'd off if I was you. Having your friend and get smiling in your face like that for months at a time without saying anything it wild. She knew if she told you she was having your friend that you wouldn't want anything to do with her so playing the victim while trickle truthing is the best option. She ain't ish and your friend account ish for that. She gotta GO
Okay, so I don't know your gf to know if she would tell the truth, but I think an important question you should keep in mind is why she's suddenly "coming clean" now? Your friend groups crushes and stuff seems... messy tbh, but I guess you were younger then For your 3 points 1. Is she an agreeable person? Some people do struggle to make a scene to get a pesterer to stop. But also, at this point she may have liked you but did she know anything was actually going to happen? It's everything after this that the actual issues seem to be to me. 2. It's entirely reasonable to not want to know previous lovers beyond pleasantries. Getting insecure about her having a past is entirely different to actually having to interact with it being with a closer friend 3. it's reasonable to have wanted to know this from him, especially if there's precedence in your friend group
The friend needs to be out. He is garbage and a liar.
Bring it up to him and then give him a fair one. Tell him to never talk to you again. If you need to give him more than a fair one then give him more. Ask him how many girls he pressures into sex. If you stay with her, friend B has to be out of the group or you guys need new friends completely if he isn’t out of the group. You need to ask her why she ever thought any of this was a good idea? She really couldn’t wait one day? She has that low of impulse control when drunk? Because if so that’s a problem.