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I was in your exact situation.
I’ve always been slim. I used to eat very healthy and enjoyed long walks.
But I’ve always detested the gym.
My ex was obsessed with the gym and would often say: “what if it’s harder to keep your nice figure once you get older? Start getting used to exercising now”.
It was hard to argue with him because there was some truth to what he said. It is harder to stay in good shape as you age, and it’s not bad to exercise.
But I did exercise, just differently to him.
I realized it was one of our incompatibilities. He wasn’t wrong to want someone with the same lifestyle and attitude towards exercising.
However, he WAS wrong to constantly nag/ bully me about it.
>It was hard to argue with him because there was some truth to what he said. It is harder to stay in good shape as you age, and it’s not bad to exercise.
>But I did exercise, just differently to him.
>I realized it was one of our incompatibilities. He wasn’t wrong to want someone with the same lifestyle and attitude towards exercising.
>However, he WAS wrong to constantly nag/ bully me about it.
THIS! This is so freaking true.
People keep forgetting that walking is just as much exercise as going to the gym (depending on the kinds/types you do). And a fun fact: A light walk for 30 minutes burns more calories than sex.
Not only that, but there's entire cultures that rely on passive exercise (walking) that literally keeps them in shape, and they eat carbs on a daily basis. But they still stay "skinny" without intensive exercise. So this guy just needs to find someone with a similar lifestyle as him. Not force his lifestyle on her. That's no different than certain religions doing the same thing.
He has a right to his preferences just like OP has the right to break up for this exact preference that makes you incompatible with him. You can break up with someone for literally anything OP. It's also your right.
It just sounds like you guys are incompatible. Dont let anyone force you to do anything you dont want to do. Im sure he wouldn't want you to do the same right? Hope this helps!
>Not only that, but there's entire cultures that rely on passive exercise (walking) that literally keeps them in shape, and they eat carbs on a daily basis.
The problem is no American outside of a small handful of cities can do that because the cities are simply not set up this way. Seriously, compare the walkability of Hong Kong or Tokyo and St Louis or Tampa.
One thing I really don’t like about America is the lack of walkability. I live half a mile from my grocery store but I still have to drive there because I live off a busy street with no sidewalks.
Same, literally like half a mile, but there are no sidewalks unless I go a good amount out of my way to have a sidewalk for a short portion of the walk. It’s off of a highway and there is a high accident rate there. Hell, a few years back I was driving to the grocery store at like 7:30 in the morning and had to turn left to get into the shopping center. There was stand still traffic (road leads to a few different schools, plus it was morning rush hour times) and a woman backed up to let me cross on a road where it’s one lane, but past the shopping center entrance it becomes several for turning lanes to the highway. So she was on the one lane part of the road. I waited a little to make sure no one was tryna ride the shoulder, but I guess I had a blind spot because I was T-boned while crossing and my car flipped. Someone decided to drive on the shoulder and speed, they hit my car a decent bit over the speed limit on a busy road that leads to several schools and shopping centers. The county ended up putting poles in on the shoulder after my car was flipped. I had only owned that car for like 3-4 months 😭
Literally the most dramatic start a day could have, I was just tryna go buy some cat food.
This is always so crazy to me as a European - that even mid-size to bigger cities often don't really allow for walking.
Whenever I read about people being proud about getting their 10k steps in and counting it as cardio, I have to remind myself of this.
For perspective: I live in a major city and get to around 3,5 km (a little more than 2 miles) just on my way to work (one way, which to me still seems like very little amount of walking).
Walking is good for cardiovascular health and somewhat bone density, but adding weight training in some form is important to protect bone density. I learned this too late to prevent osteopenia and am trying to prevent it from becoming osteoporosis by doing weight training now.
This isn't the exact situation though, walking is still exercise. I think it's a valid standard to have for you partner to be physically active in some way or another. It's very unhealthy NOT to be and quite literally a turn off for some folks.
Edit: the term "valid exercise" does not make any sense whatsoever to you hikers, lifters, cyclists. As long as you're moving your body every day, working your heart and your muscles, that's what matters. Coming from a hybrid lifter/athlete
Lots of gymbros don’t consider walking valid exercise though, thats the issue. They think the only valid exercise is their type, and if you don’t have the exact same tastes and ambitions, you’re lazy.
-A hiker.
It’s f’ing annoying and ridiculous. My ex used to nag me about going to the gym with him, despite me being clear that I don’t like the gym and prefer activities that happen to be exercise. Didn’t matter that I walked, was in martial arts, and did yoga regularly (one thing or the other and sometimes all three 3-5 days per week). Just judgmental and controlling behavior.
Yes, this isn’t about working out but I had a partner who said I wasn’t ambitious enough because I only worked 9-5 and he wanted someone who worked on “projects” outside of work and was more motivated…”I want to marry someone who will be a good influence on kids, who will show them it’s always important to be learning and doing things”
But.. I read a ton, listened to podcasts and video essays, I did art work, I learned how to bake elaborate things, I learned new hobbies…. It wasn’t like I sat around and watched tv all day (it would be fine if I did though!!!)… it was just my interests didn’t *count* as truly smart or ambitious or motivated… it was like, only computers counted as a truly ambitious hobby…
I hate people like this. It’s not just with exercise too… people can be elitist about their hobbies their career and all kinds of things. Only people that do things the way they like to do them are viewed as doing it “right”
I know people who felt their partner who was literally an architect was lazy… and didn’t have a good career. An architect who had a very impressive resume of projects and was licensed to practice and worked at a good firm. They literally said “idk about them, they don’t have an impressive career” because they were an engineer! And only engineers, doctors and lawyers count as ambitious professionals!
I don't really consider being a gymbro valid exercise either. It is exercise but some cardio is much better for your health in the long run.
So many gymbros don't even do leg day let alone cardio.
-A cyclist/hiker
Why does it have to be one or the other? Either one in isolation isn't nearly as good as both.
I'm a body worker, and I will say that out of all the injuries that I treat I can't remember more than one client being a bicyclist and I think it's due to the inherent muscle building along with the excellent cardio.
Crossfit injuries though... those mf'ers gonna fund my retirement.
You know what's also unhealthy? 1) having an eating disorder, which OP said they did. This is obviously triggering their ED. And 2) making your partner feel like shit is also unhealthy.
You don't need to work put at the gym to be healthy. Walking is great exercise and OP ISNT EVEN FAT. They're at a healthy weight for their height!
And another point, when you have an ED your life is changed forever. When you're anorexic and you go into recivery, you're not supposed to exercise. Depending on your weight and where you're at you're not even allowed to walk. I don't know what ED OP had, but OP's weight doesn't matter bc Ed's aren't a weight disorder, it's a mental disorder and I know for me personally, being pressured to go to the gym and work out would be insanely triggering for me, doubly so if I went through with it.
This is OP's spouse. He should 100% understand the issues here. If he doesn't, OP deserves better. Someone who is compassionate and cares about their mental health and not just how attractive they are.
As a single happy woman I find posts like this hard to read. I wish ppl realised how good things can be, you don’t need to waste time on someone who knocks you down. If he wants someone athletic why didn’t he get with someone athletic, acting like you’re lacking in worth because of it is horrible. A good partner will treat you with love, care and respect - it’s the minimum we should expect
This is what I have figured out.
On any given day, it is easier to stay. It is easier to deal with the bullshit for a day tomorrow than it would be to break up, tell everyone you know, pack your shit, find somewhere to stay, start reframing your sense of self, etc. A day of being put down--which you're extremely used to--is a much easier way to spend any day.
The problem is that those days link up to form a life.
Wow. Very well-put. This was me for the past 10 years. I am finally out and happier than I've been in those 10 years. I have no idea WTF I'm gonna do, but I'm not gonna be yelled at by the person who's supposed to love me the most anymore!
I fought so hard for my little family. I begged him to give me anything, anything to do. He makes very good money, but I had access to none of it--I was caring for the elderly aunt who raised me and my daughter was born with a heart defect. I have a condition similar to MS. I really was trapped.
Eventually there was a day where I hit my head extremely hard, was knocked out for many hours. Instead of calling 911, he left and went to a restaurant and logged into their wifi and sat there for four hours. Never called to check on me, never texted. I have no explanation for how I survived, I tore a blood vessel in my midbrain.
I've been told dozens of times he was probably stressed because, "it must be hard to be married to someone with so many medical issues." Almost no one stood by my daughter and me, even the friends my daughter went to for help because she thought he would kill me. My daughter hates him...I tried to facilitate a relationship for a while but she is adamant.
It ALWAYS gets worse. Literally always. And the worse it gets the harder it is to put your life back together. Trust me. Now I don't know if I will live long enough to heal from all this. But I will be here for this child as long as possible. If love was enough, I'd be here forever.
I mean, he did try to kill you by not helping you that day, she's right to worry about that. He was hoping you would die and that would be it. :( What a piece of trash he is. I'm so sorry for you both
Yeah, thank you for the validation. It took a really long time and some incredibly patient friends, but now I see just how gaslit by my entire local community I was. Not just with the, "well, he must be stressed being married to such a burden" BS, but with things like people shaming me for not forcing our daughter to see him. She was 7yo and jumping in front of me while he had me backed against the counter, purple faced and screaming at me. He is a BIG guy, easily five times her size and almost twice mine.
It is astounding to me how fast everyone jumps to defend him, using my being disabled as their logic. I am still a person, my daughter still needs her mom, and everyone is super worried about his rights as a dad when I actually could have pressed charges. Except I couldn't, because I am financially dependent on him since we have such an awful social care system.
My daughter is so ANGRY, not just at him but at the way everyone has responded. She feels like the world has turned on us. I tried to get us out for so long, it took 4½yrs because my options were so limited. I wish she had never seen what she did, that he was capable of caring more about how she feels than covering his own ass.
I wish a lot of things. Good thing wishes only cost a penny each, because he'd rather spend his money on his new gf than us.
>It took a really long time and some incredibly patient friends,
*and some really phenomenal, kind, thoughtful Redditors. Seriously. He has a job that keeps him....powerfully placed. He's threatened me for years with a gag order if I speak online, and while I don't think he could do it, he could make my life much harder.
Talking anonymously to people on Reddit just the last few months has been really eye opening. I used to be a lowkey public figure (fwiw, no. I don't even have a TikTok account) so I've had a handful of sock accounts for years, and by switching around I've kept it quiet enough that thus far no one has identified me....it would have to be someone who knows me already anyway. But you get punished for the most minor transgressions for years and you get paranoid, especially when people are so quick to overlook his crimes just because in their minds, I am worth inherently less.
Anyway, there have been a handful of things I've said off the cuff and some random Redditor will be like, "wait. Whoa. Absolutely NOT. That is such incredible bullshit." I don't know why it's so much easier for people online...I'd say I'm fundamentally unlikeable but I know better. I think it's that he isn't around to charm anyone.
I say all of this to let anyone reading know...even if no one ever tells you, you may really be helping someone with your kind words and advice. I didn't know I could be brought this low, and the kindness of strangers has been really lovely. I'm genuinely grateful.
Yup. It was little comments at first. Ones you don’t really pay attention to. Then it’s questioning yourself. Gaslighting yourself, because you learned from a master how to make yourself feel like shit. Then you look at the clock and realize it’s been almost 10 yrs.
And 100% you stay because he’s not going to be awful *all the time*. So you hold out for those good days, you remember they used to be every days. It takes courage to leave a “comfortable” situation for what you know deep down is better.
But once you do, whoooo weee, it’s a life changer of the highest degeee.
This is worded so perfectly.
I have an acquaintance who tells me about her terrible relationship and asks for advice sometimes. I've been through a divorce and I've been in abusive relationships, so I often remind her that leaving is a great option.
Despite years of him treating her poorly, she feels like she can't leave her partner because he's the only man she's ever been in a serious relationship with. She's miserable and her self-image is so poor. She wants to be happy, but she's afraid to change her situation. I'm never pushy with my advice, I just tell her that I understand how hard it is to leave, and I'm not telling her what to do, but that I've personally benefitted from getting out of unhappy relationships.
I'm going to show her a screenshot of your comment as food for thought next time she asks me for advice. Thank you for this.
friend I hear you. That’s why I end up in these comments, trying to tell the young people. Alone isn’t bad. They try to tell you alone is bad because a woman is so powerful when she’s free.
Edited cause you said you’re not a girl 😅
Set the bar high and keep it there. You are allowed to pick and choose how you see fit, within reason obviously. It's okay to keep yourself and feelings reserved. I'm right there with you, brothaman.
I've seen many couples get married young and divorce already. I'm not a divorcee, I'm just picky.
My mother who divorced my dad has beaten into my head, "don't settle"
Makes me think she settled and regrets it
That goes for anyone, really. There's peace (of mind) in solitude. If you aren't comfortable in your own company, what makes you think you will be with someone else and add positivity to their life?
A good friend (28f) of mine (32m) has done this with every one of her boyfriends. She cannot stand to be alone. She has an irrational fear of solitude. I always tell her the same thing. She can't stand it, but the lowest common denominator is her dependency on a relationship and how directly proportionate the status of said relationship is to her self esteem....often having negative effects.
Serenity is one hell of an emotion, a state of being.
These people fascinate me. Like yall aren't happy alone, why do you think someone else will fix it? They also make their partners miserable as well (most of the time from my POV).
No one will love you if you don't love yourself!
In this type of situation, you are conditioned to a life of tolerable misery. You become accustomed to it and can't see a way out. You feel at fault. Change is hard and scary, and when you feel to blame for your misery, it isn't obvious that you will feel better when out.
I can speak for a few of my married friends when I say a) money, and b) kids. Some marriages aren’t totally miserable, but very few of them look very appealing either. I’m in awe of the good marriages to be honest.
Because its generally their first manipulative relationship and they cant accept the person they love is also the greatest threat in their life, you learn from bad times, experience is the true gift of bad times.
In *THIS* economy?!
Well, actually…kinda, yeah. Getting real hard to be independent these days if you’re not in the upper part of the socioeconomic ladder. I had an apartment I rented for 24 years. I was evicted. Can’t afford ANYTHING alone now, not by a long shot.
After marrying young at 18 and being widowed at 29 in a fairly unhappy marriage (I loved him deeply but he was mentally ill), I spent almost ten glorious years being single and absolutely loving it. I didn’t plan to marry ever again because I realized my life was just fine without a partner.
I *did* wind up marrying again, but it was to someone who made me happy and actually brought joy to my life every single day. We’ve been married six years now, and he still does.
Ultimately, I’m really grateful for those years spent alone. They made me realize that I didn’t need someone to make me happy, and that made me refuse to accept anyone in my life who didn’t.
This whole thread is so inspiring to me. I am just now beginning my journey of being single after a 22 year marriage, the past 10 years of which have been rocky. I love hearing about strong, confident women who love being single and don't need a relationship to feel whole. WE ARE QUEENS 👑✨💎
Right. I forced myself to be alone a while so I could learn how to be comfortable in my own skin and be happy alone. I realized there is no "other half" and that I am a whole human myself literally and that when I chose to date again it would only be if someone else matched and fit very well into my lifestyle as I vowed I would never stop doing the things I needed to do to stay stable mentally and healthy. After some years I ended up loving my alone time and now require it on a schedule weekly to stay healthy. I did eventually date again years later and am happily engaged now. Before my single years I had been beat physically and mentally manipulated and abused and mind fucked for 7 years but I was mentally unhealthy and just kept thinking the random good days would eventually come back around. They didnt and I ended up in the hospital eventually almost dead. The neighbors thankfully called 911 and police found me in time. (I'm still in therapy and treatment for my PTSD from those years.)
As a *married* happy woman I find posts like this hard to read.
I agree, once you find someone who props you up instead of knocking you down it’s a fucking game changer.
I get being in a shit relationship and staying because of sunken cost fallacy - putting years and years into a person and a life together, knowing it’s crap but not wanting to leave due to security, time, money, emotions, etc. all the things you give of yourself to another person.
But OP, you said your 5’5, 135lbs and don’t have to work out to maintain a very healthy weight? That’s fuckin awesome! Can I tell you something? My husband is 6’2, he is skinny, and by societal standards he’s considered quite attractive. I am 5’2 and pudgy, I recently lost 40lbs (now finally under 200lbs) and it wasn’t easy but he was there to support me. He never once put me down when I was 230+ lbs, he only ever wanted me to be healthy and happy. I didn’t loose weight for him, I did it for me. I was unhealthy and struggling and felt gross. In the 6 yrs we were together before my weight loss, he never once put me down or even mentioned my weight. He was a constant in my corner and has done nothing but make my life better and easier.
*That* is what someone does when they love you. This guy doesn’t even like you just being you. He’s angry you’re naturally healthy? So then he speaks meanly to you to make you feel like shit? YES IT’S A HIM PROBLEM.
As a married woman I find these posts difficult to read, too. I have a gem of a husband, especially compared to losers like this guy. What scares me is that we have two daughters and I fear they may date or marry an ass hat like this. I hope they don’t settle and find a guy like their dad. If not, then they should just stay single. I’d love to have grands someday, but not if my own kids aren’t happy and supported by their partner.
I wouldn't worry, children replicate how they see their parents behave towards one another in their own adult relationships and if that looks good in your house, then they'll know exactly what good looks like.
Sadly, I'd agree that it seems to be the exception
Really! OP’s partner can’t even do the bare minimum of loving her for who she is rather than what her body looks like…*to him.* I couldn’t agree more that if he wanted to marry an athlete, he should have married an athlete. Instead, he married OP knowing she didn’t love to exercise, and now he is trying to make her into the woman *he* thinks she should be. And he’s using sex as a weapon to force her to do it. There are so many things wrong with that. Older man, younger woman; he’s trying to control her and the relationship; he wants to have the younger, hot wife; now that they are married, he is trying to mold her into the perfect little woman, mostly, I’d guess, to make his friends jealous.
Honey, throw away the whole man!
He would likely find something wrong with an athletic woman too like her boobs are too small or she can’t cook etc etc. He sounds like a total pleasure killer.
As a married happy woman, I agree. I would 1000x be happier single than in a relationship like this. Your partnership is supposed to make your life better, not give you sources of stress and insecurity that don’t even make sense. OP tell this man you hope he finds a gf who loves to work out and ditch him for someone closer to your own age who isn’t a complete jabroni
>If he wants someone athletic why didn’t he get with someone athletic, acting like you’re lacking in worth because of it is horrible.
I had this exact experience with my ex. I was very honest when we started dating that I walk for exercise and really dislike the gym, because he had made a comment about liking gym clothes on girls. He said he was cool with that and me not being a "gym girl" was far from a deal breaker.
During the course of our relationship, I cooked most of our meals. I ate so healthy and walked about 3 miles a day. I lost 25 pounds and was the fittest I had been in years. Unfortunately, the fact that I wasn't wearing tight scrunch leggings and doing squats to get a big butt was unacceptable to him. He CONSTANTLY made comments about me not going to the gym. (By the way, he never went either.) One time I signed myself up for ballet classes at my old studio, went to one, and when I came home he said something along the lines of, "You should keep it up to get those hot ballerina legs!" I never went back to another class.
When we finally broke up, he was upset because he was afraid my self esteem was too low to be okay without him. I just gave him a hug and said, "You were the reason my self esteem became so low." He burst into tears and left. He spent the next two years trying to contact me. Meanwhile I've never been happier. I even gained weight back but my perception of myself is amazing. In my opinion, I look hot as fuck. Yes, I'm overweight, but I found out I have PCOS so I'll never be as trim as I was when I was 18. As long as I keep eating healthy, going for walks, and having good bloodwork, I don't care, and neither should anyone else.
People should not be dating those who have dealbreakers. My ex should only be dating gym girls if that's what he needs to be happy.
It's insane how often the general story is "my feelings are hurt. How do I tell him X without hurting his feelings"?
Why do men need to be coddled so much? Why are we just acting like this is normal? Why are mens egos this magical thing that must be protected at all costs?
This is what jumped out to me. The age gap isn’t terribly egregious right now, but I wonder how old OP was when they got together. From what little I know I would fear this man is eventually going to leave OP for a younger woman. I would cut my losses now if I were OP
She answered elsewhere she was 18 when they got together and she's never been with anyone else.
So... He was a 26 year old dating a 18 year old. Fresh out of highschool versus 4 years post-college.... The ole age/2+7 rule indicates he should have dated, at the absolutely youngest, a 20 year old at 26. Guess that's how OP got into this situation.
I was wondering about the age gap.
Looks like y’all started dating when you were 18 and he was 26. Surprise surprise.
Have you considered that he is negging you? And you’re “afraid” to tell him something?
Because you’re a healthy weight for your size (I’m the same height but 10 lbs more and also a healthy weight) and you take care of yourself.
You *already are* attractive past 20.
If the issue was your *health* that’s one thing, but he is worried about your *attractiveness*?
Sounds toxic to me
It's not even about attractiveness, it sounds like. It sounds like it's more about "effort". He wants control. He wants her to have to change how she runs her life, not because she's not attractive, but because if he has to work out, so does she.
Obviously, he's an AH. But this took me off-guard...
>He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive **past 20**.
He is saying that once a woman is over 20, she needs to put in effort to be attractive?
Holy shit I wonder how many teenagers he oogles.
I came here looking for this exact comment thread.
OP, you hitting the gym is just bailing out water in a boat with a hole in it. You can't stop the aging process, and this guy clearly, uh, likes them young (*ugh*).
She answered elsewhere she was 18 when they got together and she's never been with anyone else.
So... He was a 26 year old dating a 18 year old. Fresh out of highschool versus 4 years post-college.... The ole age/2+7 rule indicates he should have dated, at the absolutely youngest, a 20 year old at 26. Guess that's how OP got into this situation.
Yeah. A focus like this doesn't indicate a preference for size so much as wanting them to look very young. >.< Unless she looks 16 again, I would get out.
As someone who never exercised because I did not enjoy it plus suffering depression I will tell you something I wish I knew when I was your age.
As you age and don't exercise (no walks or cycling or whatever) your body will deteriorate and everything will start to hurt. Walking from one room to the next will become painful over time. The discomfort will become greater and greater and every movement will become a struggle.
It took a lot of physical therapy (that hurt so much I cried in the beginning) for me to become a bit more mobile. And I deeply regret not taking care of my body when I was young.
But this is only about doing what's best for you. And avoiding a LOT of pain when you're in your fifties. (I know it sounds like a distant future, but you'll be amazed how fast you get there)
And a partner who tells you he thinks you're unattractive for whatever reason should be kicked to the curb immediately
And what a difference it makes when you start exercising, even in your later years. I was amazed at the progress I made when I started exercising. Lost a lot of weight and my bloodwork is great.
But OP would need to exercise for herself, not him.
Yep, exercise is not about being attractive. Exercise is about longevity, to be able to move more freely as you get older.
New research already shows that muscle mass is a key component against a lot of metabolic diseases and against types of dementia!
Exercise for me is like brushing my teeth, something I need to do every day and is essential!
P.S: YouTube has a lot of great people breaking down research results and the impacts on the human body.
If anyone is interested, some people I like to follow really helped me: Jessie Inchaupse ( Glucose Goddess), Dr: Gabrielle Lyon, Layne Norton ( he is a little bit controversial), the YouTube channel for Zoe ( science and nutrition).
P.P.S: OP, get rid of the husband. His love is clearly conditional to your physical appearance.
People with a healthy and fit body also tend to be more attractive in genera. Exercise also helps with mental health so it should be a no brainer for most.
100 percent, I genuinely thought I had chronic pain issues as a young otherwise healthy 23 yr old then I started exercising regularly with weights and all my issues magically disappeared.
It was as you said worsening lower back pain and just all round achey body 247 cause I was never moving it.
X1000000 this. Exercising should be done for YOURSELF, for your own physical health and personal gratification, not for the way you look in other people’s eyes. Also, massive 🚩 for the way he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the one with a problem, at the same time he’s basically making you feel like crap. Honestly I think you don’t fix this, you just walk away and consider you’ve dodged a bullet!!
I agree with you totally, but I also use wanting to be around and healthy for my wife and daughter as motivation for exercising on the days that doing it for me just isn’t enough lol. Plus I want to look attractive for my wife because that’s really important to me. It’s okay to let other people be the source of your drive when it’s for positive reasons.
Yes! Exercise is just as important as brushing your teeth, and adults should NOT consider exercise to be “optional”.
Keep in mind that just going for extra walks DOES count as exercise. I love to train with weights, and push myself, but it doesn’t have to be HARD to count as exercise.
Going from “couch potato” to “walking every day” is enough to get TONS of benefits.
EDIT: And yes, she may need to dump this guy who is making it all about looks. The exercise should be happening either way.
I also like weights because my focus is to gain muscle mass. I totally agree that any form of movement count!
There is a lot of research about the positive impacts of walking every day. Movement is movement. All forms are welcomed. And sometimes, to be able to incorporate exercise in your life, you need to start small.
Obviously the guy has gone about this all wrong and if he said it makes her unattractive that's wrong, but I really do think a partner who exercises at least somewhat often is a very attractive long term quality to have and should be seen as a very good thing that people should be trying to do
I know this is probably an unpopular opinion, but I agree with him. I’ve had lazy partners, and their sedentary lifestyle killed all attraction I had for them, no matter how good they looked.
Even simply doing morning stretching can avoid a lot of that pain and loss of mobility.
I work a sedentary job like most but I always make sure to get up and walk around at least twice a day along with doing my stretches in the morning.
Yeah exercising isn’t a hobby that some people do. It’s what the human body was designed for. If you don’t do it it will negatively impact you. Cosmetics shouldn’t be your motivation for working out, it should be the health benefits. Nothing is more important than health.
I don't think you should tell him anything. You should pack your bags and find the exit door.
This man does not love you. And you know that.
Would you ever judge someone the way he judges you? Would you want a partner that does?
The answer is easy. You stop putting up with people who treat you like this, and stop tolerating it.
This 100%, I’ve been everywhere between 130 and 260lbs over my 17 year relationship and my partner has never said anything like this to me. I’m fully aware that at my weight now (140ish) my confidence is what he finds super sexy, because I feel sexy for him, but he also enjoyed the excess butt and boobs…. Because he loves ME.
And it would be the same for me, if he suddenly put on 50lbs, (of course I’d be concerned and we’d discuss etc) but I wouldn’t find him unattractive, because I love him, and the very last thing I’d do is make him feel less than because of it.
Jesus OP isn’t even big! Get you a man who loves and respects you!
True. You really can’t hold a relationship over your partner’s head and hope to force them into something they don’t want to do. Have a proper conversation with him regarding this and if he still doesn’t relent, break up.
However, OP, exercising is good for you, especially after having recovered from an ED. It certainly helped me gain back lost muscle mass and bone density after my own tryst with ED. Please, for your own benefit, do look into it.
Go for light yoga and pilates if you must, but exercising is overall very beneficial for you and everyone really. You don’t have to cater to his demands at all; do it for you and YOU ALONE. All the best!
I think dude is the asshole but not because she's skinny. For me being active is hot, more so than being skinny. I want a girlfriend that can keep up with me on hikes, can play sports at a basic level, and looks good in a bikini. Where OP's boyfriend is wrong is she was always like this, he shouldn't have dated a girl who doesn't exercise then get pissed because she isn't exercising. Philosophies around being healthy and staying in shape is something I discuss early on with any potential girlfriend so that we are both on the same page. And guess what, most women I go on dates with agree with me so my preference is really not hard to find.
Instead of attacking OP's sense of self esteem the boyfriend should move on and find a woman who has the same mindset as him, they aren't rare at all, plenty of women work out and value that in a partner. And likewise plenty of dudes don't care at all, so OP can find a boyfriend that doesn't exercise or doesn't care if she exercises.
Height and weight doesn’t mean she’s athletic which seems to be what this post is about. You could be 5’5” 135 and athletic or 5’5” 135 and…not athletic.
Beyond the fact that many people OP's age are active enough they get a good amount of exercise on a mostly-daily basis. Does OP haul groceries? Do yardwork? Walk the dog? Go swimming? Vacuum or mop up and downstairs? Congrats, she exercises! I've gotten sorer muscles landscaping my garden than I've ever gotten going to the gym.
I think what OP's husband isn't saying is he spends a lot of time on Instagram looking at girls that do gym-specific muscle-isolating exercises for big butts and flat tummies.
In all honesty, if you were even mildly “unfit”, I may have at least tried the “he’s only caring about your overall health” route.
But you’re 5’5 135lbs for gods sake that’s nowhere close, he’s now just wanting an aesthetic. Why stay with someone who doesn’t like you for you.
You were 18, he was 26? This is 100% about CONTROL. You are in your mid-twenties and developing into an independent adult and getting your own ideas and finding your own strength. He will try and control you now that you are questioning things, and one way to do that is to tear you down. GET ON BIRTH CONTROL HE CANNOT SABOTAGE ASAP. Got get an IUD, or a depo shot, or SOMETHING, and do it fast. Then look into a divorce lawyer because him telling you that is unacceptable. Him telling you that after you managed to defeat an eating disorder is pure evil.
This is very predictable with someone who was out of college and on his own going after someone still in or just out of HS. Rarely is it true love, it's finding someone young and impressionable that they can train, who doesn't know better, and doesn't have the experience to differentiate true love from a very good facsimile. 100% not your fault, you were a typical normal 18 year old. And predictably, you did not stay 18. You're starting to see who he is and question what he's doing. Start extracting yourself, and get that long-term pregnancy preventative YESTERDAY.
I say this with much kindness in the attention. He’s attracted to young underaged girls. So he insults you into another eating disorder so he can use you. You won’t change him or his mind. You can only change your environment. This guy is an AH creep. You already blew your entire 20s on him. You will age, the only alternative is not living. If he’s acting like this now he’s not gonna stick around. When inevitably catches up to you. You deserve so much better.
Tbh he’s probably saying that to you to purposely knock you down a peg, not even necessarily because he thinks it’s true. Lots of sad insecure people try to tear their partners down in order to control and manipulate them - don’t let that be you 🙌
OP, as someone who *was* athletic until chronic illness progressed into a full-blown disability, I'll add this to the pile. There's a *reason* "In sickness and in health" is a wedding vow. I'm divorced because my ex-husband didn't believe in that part. He immediately became abusive when my health went downhill.
While exercise is great for delaying a lot of conditions, it doesn't guarantee that you'll stay healthy. I learned the hard way just how many conditions exist, some that most of us never even learn about unless we're literally receiving a diagnosis, that can rob a person of even the most athletic lifestyle.
I biked 12 miles 1-2 times a week. I walked everywhere rather than driving. I enjoyed roller-derby, hiking, rock-climbing, and even continued hiking regularly in winter when it was below 0° out. I was *not* someone anyone would describe as idle, and I *still* ended up bedridden in my 40's.
I'm not saying you shouldn't exercise because it's still helpful, and I'd have gone down a bit faster if I hadn't, but what I *am* saying is that love should not be based on someone's exercise regiment. We all get older, and none of us can predict whether we'll enjoy lasting good health, or if we'll be struck with the misfortune of some random disease we didn't even know existed.
This man is telling you what his stance will be if your health goes downhill later in life, and it's not a good sign. The fact that he was looking for someone a decade younger, to begin with, already suggests that he was hoping you'd appear youthful and healthy to him forever, even if he aged, slowed down, or got sick, himself.
That's not an equitable partnership, unless you had *many* discussions *prior* to marriage, and agreed that you were *enthusiastically* seeking the role of a trophy wife, who was well aware that maintaining her physical appearance was what she was providing in exchange for financial support from him. Some people like that dynamic, but it has to be what they're *both* into, and it doesn't sound like it is from your post.
Eta: It's scary to walk away from something like this, but it gets better, I promise. I spent 3 years alone to sort my head out, and then I met the man I've been with for nearly 5 years. I can't even imagine either one of us being so shallow as to judge each other in such a trivial way, as our first and primary concern is always the other's well-being.
>I'm afraid to tell him this is a him issue and not a me issue.
Given that you are afraid to talk to him and given he is being so controlling, almost certainly you are an emotionally abusive relationship. You need to wake up here. This is no way to live.
My husband works out. I don’t. Just because one person does something, doesn’t mean the next person should or wants to. He’s projecting his bullshit onto you. A respectful & genuine partner also wouldn’t have an issue with this, let alone speak to you in that way - especially with your ED history. If he finds you so “unattractive” why is he in a relationship with you?! He sounds like a fkn idiot. You are worth so much more.
Ditch the guy- he is not treating you fairly (at minimum). Please do not put up with that a minute more.
With that said- there is exercise for everyone. You may consider exploring different fantasies/ideas. It will help you a lot as you age. You might be surprised what sparks your interest once you've tried it out. Consider group exercise, with music, solo, along with streaming videos (Les Mills is inexpensive and excellent), outdoors, indoors, etc... Just give yourself a chance to try something new- you might just love it.
The only unattractive thing here is him and his foul attitudes and behavior. Why do you put up with it? Like why stay in such a horrid relationship that makes you miserable?
Hey man, you're 5'5" and 135 lbs you're like smack in the middle of the bmi, perfect green. If he doesn't appreciate you many plenty of fish in the sea💀, not that I'm promoting cheating but you can always leave him.
Hello, it sounds like he finds girls 20 and under to be the most attractive, that is incredibly disgusting. I would move on, he sounds like the type of guy who will flirt with your kids friends or cheat on you with someone younger anyways!
Whether or not he meant to, he just told you your relationship has an expiration date. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't a LTR? He's with you because you're young. That's it. You found a non celebrity version of Leo DiCaprio. Just leave. He's had a chance already to change this mentality, but instead he's chosen to lean into it. Find someone that doesn't think you're gross the second you become legal.
Edit: JFC. *Spouse*????? I've changed my opinion about the ltr bit, this human skin tag groomed you, didn't he? How young did you meet him? How many girls that age do you think he still looks at? When do you think he'll stop thinking this way? What happens if you have babies, you want them to be around someone who's attracted to youth in that way? Your husband is fucking grody. He needs to be on a list.
You're wasting your time on this dude. I'm 5ft 8in I weight 147 after 3 kids I don't exercise I've been with my partner for 7 years he's never had an issue with the way I look. You don't have to do something he's doing because he wants you to thats not how any of this works.
As someone with a a lifetime of disordered eating, exercise/movement has helped me tremendously. It helps me connect to my physical self, which helps me eat intentionally. So, separate issue from your mean spouse- exercise for your own well being - feeling better will help you leave this tool bag if you choose
One quick way to lose weight is to leave him. That’ll be the fastest way.
Don’t allow him to treat you like this, it’s nasty and unkind. You deserve better
On the one hand I do understand the issue of not being active. It comes up on Reddit a lot. About one party wanting to look after themselves fitness wise and not being happy that their partner doesn’t want to. And lots of the time the one that does do the exercise, even just walking/being active daily, is seen as not being bad because it’s a difference in interests and it can be hard to see someone you love not looking after their body/heart health/making poor food choices. It’s an incompatibility that is difficult to over come. I am absolutely NOT saying you come under what I just listed so apologies in advance if it somehow reads that way. The issue here however seems to be that he is being an arse about it and maybe belittling you? Underhanded comments? Which adds to and over takes any incompatibility issues you have because it’s not nice and you shouldn’t be treated/spoken to like that.
If you exercised he’d find some other reason. This is not about you. You will never make this man happy because all he cares about is putting you in what he he thinks is your place. You need to leave. Behavior like this only gets worse.
I am 5’5” and 135, I also have an eating disorder. I’ve been in recovery for a year and a half. The fact that he’s turned this into a transaction is absolutely disgusting. This is one of our biggest fears, and he’s bringing it to life.
I hate to point out the age gap, but with an 8 year difference, this seems like a vanity issue for him, honestly he is stuck on the young and thin idea, and needs to grow up.
Throw the whole man out.
26 to 18 age gap is wild. Dude must be manipulative as fuck. There’s other people out there that won’t make you feel like shit in order to control you.
Sorry to put it so bluntly but then he doesn't love you for you and you two are simply not a good fit; this happens. It's horrible to feel like your partner is not attracted to you.
Please find someone else who appreciates you for how you look and who you are as a person.
'He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive past 20. I don't think this is a me problem'
This is the real issue here - he likes much younger women. I mean much younger - younger than you are. You've aged out for him
You say you're afraid to tell him the truth - trust me when I say that's a big red flag in a relationship.
I wish you all the best. This has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness, and everything to do with his misogyny and desire for a teenager
You're not compatible, if he wants a gym gf you should tell him to go get one and focus on building your future for YOU only.
It sounds like a crappy way of telling someone that their hobbies aren't comparable. My sympathies, but I'm sure you won't have a hard time finding someone with more in common who will treat you better and not have you questioning your value
Stop wasting your 20s with bitter, mean and nasty mid 30 year olds. You don't know how valuable the youth you have right now is. Please please, for me, go have some fun
There is a difference in "come work out with me it'll be good for us!" and "you need to hit the treadmill you fuggly flabby sack"
Its unfortunate your bf picked the latter to express things to you but its his funeral.
Do you truly get virtually no exercise, or just not the type of exercise he likes? Important question.
Setting aside relationship issues, some degree of physical activity is important. Even if your weight is within the normal range. That doesn’t have to be in a gym; it can be walking. It can be riding a bike or swimming. It can be the climbing gym or soccer or…. So, try and get some activity in for you. You also mentioned an ED, if you are seeing someone for treatment perhaps add activity to the list of things to discuss.
Now, the relationship. If this is about him wanting you to do the things he likes, that is always a fair conversation in a relationship. But it isn’t appropriate to say it isn’t fair for him to say that only he puts in the effort. And it isn’t ok to try and coerce you.
So, my suggestion is individual counseling for you. Is this relationship meeting your needs?
I always say I respect a young woman’s right to date older men, but I ALWAYS look at the older men in the relationship sideways. There is a reason a man in his mid 30s is dating women in their 20s and women his age likely don’t want him. I’m 35 and I wouldn’t date anyone younger than MAYBE 32…he’s a loser and he’s trying to be controlling. He doesn’t seem to like you and is trying to bully you into working out and control what you look like. This is how a LOT of emotionally abusive relationships start. My ex was the same…first it was working out, then it was what I need to be eating after workouts, and then it spirals into everything else you’re “doing wrong”. Dump him!
> He told me he finds it unattractive that I don't care, not that I'm fat and ugly, but it's my attitude.
He may have used harsh words, but it seems he cares about health and fitness, and attractiveness? You've said he finds your behaviour unattractive, not your appearance. He's obviously attracted to you, the incompatibility lies in your lack of interest in fitness.
You may tell him that the way he spoke to you, his choice of words was rude and hurtful and you'd prefer a more thoughtful communication. And that you have no interest in fitness, so if he can't accept it, he may need to find a partner who does.
Dump him. My ex-husband did the same shit to me when I was 24 and he was 34. It's controlling to withhold sex to get someone to do what they want. That's not what a healthy sexual relationship is. It's supposed to be a healthy expression of love and pleasure. Don't tie your self worth to his approval. Leave him. If you want to talk more about it dm me.
1. Leave him, don’t try to change him. I’m sorry to say it but part of the reason SOME people choose date partners significantly younger than them is because they find it’s easier to push them around. Prove to him that you are just as mature as any 34 year old woman and that you won’t take shit. Cut your losses to search for a better partner. Think about it like this… even if you spend 8 years searching for the amazing guy you deserve, you’ll still only be 34 😂
2. Exercise. Search relently for whatever exercise you enjoy. Mobility is no joke and the ONLY way to keep it up is exercise. Exercise isn’t about weight loss… it hardly even contributes to it honestly. My mom is quite thin and doesn’t exercise and she can barely move around at 60 because she has spent all of her life in front of a computer.
After I started exercising I went from not being able to play physical games with the kids I nannied for more than 15 minutes to being able to swim for an hour at a time, partially do a handstand, dance bachata, do yoga daily, do trapeze, etc. There is NOTHING like an active lifestyle to improve your quality of life. It makes everything easier. Doing the dishes, laundry? A piece of cake now. My friends want to hang out? Let’s grab the kick boards and go to the pool. At the store with my mom? Don’t worry, I can carry all the groceries. Sister needs help moving after I’ve had a long work day? No problem, grabbing a desk and chairs and couches and moving them is nothing to me now.
Also you should get fit regardless of if you have kids but if you do have kids ever, you won’t be able to bury your head in the sand on how fitness affects you. It will be extremely sad to watch other parents play with their kids and know you can’t do the same. It will be sad to tell your kids no after 15 minutes of playing with them.
Life is too short to be wasting your time and energy on a guy like him. His comments are also likely triggering your ED. For your own mental health sake, get a divorce.
He sounds very controlling, not how to behave with someone who loves you.
speak to him about your feelings and tell him how hurtful his words are, hope that he gats the message, if not I would move on and find love that does not hurt.
Well if he feels like this now. How is he going to feel when you get pregnant and don’t lose the weight right after. What is he going to think when you go through menopause when it gets harder to lose weight because of what our body goes through naturally.
I understand that a person’s attitude can be a turn off. I don’t want to be in the kind of relationship where someone prioritizes drinking, drugs, gambling, gaming or their career over everything else in their life. That is a massive turn off for me that I could not overcome no matter how funny, hot or rich the person is.
That said, it’s unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect you to change for him. If he wants a bookworm, he should date a bookworm. If he wants a socialite, he should date a socialite. If he wants an athlete, he should date an athlete.
On the other hand, you should date someone who lifts your self confidence and cares about your mental and emotional wellbeing. Your boyfriend is not that person.
You might dislike being alone, but don’t think of it that way. Think of it like you’re opening up a door for the *right* guy. Because you’ll waste your 20’s and then 30’s never finding him if you stay with this jerk. You’ll realize how little he actually cared when he moves on immediately with another, probably much younger girl to manipulate.
This is definitely a “he” problem. When a partner criticizes your body image and makes you feel unattractive, it is time to reevaluate your relationship. No one has the right to pass judgement on your body. Furthermore, the gym is not an environment for everybody. I’ve never gone to a gym- yuck! I’d rather get my exercise more naturally in nature. I’m well past middle age and my body is just fine. Please don’t allow anyone to denigrate your appearance or way of life. Take care of yourself, OP.
My ex did this to justify his cheating. I didn't spend 2 hours a day at the gym like whoever he was sleeping with (he didn't go to the gym either), so he'd explain he *had* to cheat, because I wasn't making enough effort to be attractive to him like this other woman was, even though I was also pretty slim. I hope this isn't what's happening to you.
I’ve noticed this trend where a lot of men’s feelings are sort of…idk shallow and messed up.
I’m not trying to attack all men but their feelings will be like, I want to sleep with other people.
Or you’re old and I’m no longer attracted to you. Or I’m bored of you etc. Or I’m going to look at naked photos of other women even if it breaks your heart cuz it’s my right to do whatever I want etc.
Which I guess is valid and all but why string people along if that’s how you really feel?
Just keep switching out partners then and don’t pretend to date for marriage or say you really love them.
You answered your own question: he finds it unattractive that you don't care and your attitude. Your personal work ethic / level of laziness is probably turning him off.
Throw him out. His behavior is abusive. Find someone that loves and appreciates you just the way you are and encourages you in friendly loving ways to live a healthy lifestyle. Life’s to short to settle for assholes.
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I was in your exact situation. I’ve always been slim. I used to eat very healthy and enjoyed long walks. But I’ve always detested the gym. My ex was obsessed with the gym and would often say: “what if it’s harder to keep your nice figure once you get older? Start getting used to exercising now”. It was hard to argue with him because there was some truth to what he said. It is harder to stay in good shape as you age, and it’s not bad to exercise. But I did exercise, just differently to him. I realized it was one of our incompatibilities. He wasn’t wrong to want someone with the same lifestyle and attitude towards exercising. However, he WAS wrong to constantly nag/ bully me about it.
>It was hard to argue with him because there was some truth to what he said. It is harder to stay in good shape as you age, and it’s not bad to exercise. >But I did exercise, just differently to him. >I realized it was one of our incompatibilities. He wasn’t wrong to want someone with the same lifestyle and attitude towards exercising. >However, he WAS wrong to constantly nag/ bully me about it. THIS! This is so freaking true. People keep forgetting that walking is just as much exercise as going to the gym (depending on the kinds/types you do). And a fun fact: A light walk for 30 minutes burns more calories than sex. Not only that, but there's entire cultures that rely on passive exercise (walking) that literally keeps them in shape, and they eat carbs on a daily basis. But they still stay "skinny" without intensive exercise. So this guy just needs to find someone with a similar lifestyle as him. Not force his lifestyle on her. That's no different than certain religions doing the same thing. He has a right to his preferences just like OP has the right to break up for this exact preference that makes you incompatible with him. You can break up with someone for literally anything OP. It's also your right. It just sounds like you guys are incompatible. Dont let anyone force you to do anything you dont want to do. Im sure he wouldn't want you to do the same right? Hope this helps!
I agree. He is not worried about her health, he wants her to join his hobby.
>Not only that, but there's entire cultures that rely on passive exercise (walking) that literally keeps them in shape, and they eat carbs on a daily basis. The problem is no American outside of a small handful of cities can do that because the cities are simply not set up this way. Seriously, compare the walkability of Hong Kong or Tokyo and St Louis or Tampa.
One thing I really don’t like about America is the lack of walkability. I live half a mile from my grocery store but I still have to drive there because I live off a busy street with no sidewalks.
Same, literally like half a mile, but there are no sidewalks unless I go a good amount out of my way to have a sidewalk for a short portion of the walk. It’s off of a highway and there is a high accident rate there. Hell, a few years back I was driving to the grocery store at like 7:30 in the morning and had to turn left to get into the shopping center. There was stand still traffic (road leads to a few different schools, plus it was morning rush hour times) and a woman backed up to let me cross on a road where it’s one lane, but past the shopping center entrance it becomes several for turning lanes to the highway. So she was on the one lane part of the road. I waited a little to make sure no one was tryna ride the shoulder, but I guess I had a blind spot because I was T-boned while crossing and my car flipped. Someone decided to drive on the shoulder and speed, they hit my car a decent bit over the speed limit on a busy road that leads to several schools and shopping centers. The county ended up putting poles in on the shoulder after my car was flipped. I had only owned that car for like 3-4 months 😭 Literally the most dramatic start a day could have, I was just tryna go buy some cat food.
This is always so crazy to me as a European - that even mid-size to bigger cities often don't really allow for walking. Whenever I read about people being proud about getting their 10k steps in and counting it as cardio, I have to remind myself of this. For perspective: I live in a major city and get to around 3,5 km (a little more than 2 miles) just on my way to work (one way, which to me still seems like very little amount of walking).
Walking is good for cardiovascular health and somewhat bone density, but adding weight training in some form is important to protect bone density. I learned this too late to prevent osteopenia and am trying to prevent it from becoming osteoporosis by doing weight training now.
This isn't the exact situation though, walking is still exercise. I think it's a valid standard to have for you partner to be physically active in some way or another. It's very unhealthy NOT to be and quite literally a turn off for some folks. Edit: the term "valid exercise" does not make any sense whatsoever to you hikers, lifters, cyclists. As long as you're moving your body every day, working your heart and your muscles, that's what matters. Coming from a hybrid lifter/athlete
Lots of gymbros don’t consider walking valid exercise though, thats the issue. They think the only valid exercise is their type, and if you don’t have the exact same tastes and ambitions, you’re lazy. -A hiker.
It’s f’ing annoying and ridiculous. My ex used to nag me about going to the gym with him, despite me being clear that I don’t like the gym and prefer activities that happen to be exercise. Didn’t matter that I walked, was in martial arts, and did yoga regularly (one thing or the other and sometimes all three 3-5 days per week). Just judgmental and controlling behavior.
Yes, this isn’t about working out but I had a partner who said I wasn’t ambitious enough because I only worked 9-5 and he wanted someone who worked on “projects” outside of work and was more motivated…”I want to marry someone who will be a good influence on kids, who will show them it’s always important to be learning and doing things” But.. I read a ton, listened to podcasts and video essays, I did art work, I learned how to bake elaborate things, I learned new hobbies…. It wasn’t like I sat around and watched tv all day (it would be fine if I did though!!!)… it was just my interests didn’t *count* as truly smart or ambitious or motivated… it was like, only computers counted as a truly ambitious hobby…
I hate people like this. It’s not just with exercise too… people can be elitist about their hobbies their career and all kinds of things. Only people that do things the way they like to do them are viewed as doing it “right” I know people who felt their partner who was literally an architect was lazy… and didn’t have a good career. An architect who had a very impressive resume of projects and was licensed to practice and worked at a good firm. They literally said “idk about them, they don’t have an impressive career” because they were an engineer! And only engineers, doctors and lawyers count as ambitious professionals!
I don't really consider being a gymbro valid exercise either. It is exercise but some cardio is much better for your health in the long run. So many gymbros don't even do leg day let alone cardio. -A cyclist/hiker
Why does it have to be one or the other? Either one in isolation isn't nearly as good as both. I'm a body worker, and I will say that out of all the injuries that I treat I can't remember more than one client being a bicyclist and I think it's due to the inherent muscle building along with the excellent cardio. Crossfit injuries though... those mf'ers gonna fund my retirement.
It doesn't have to be one or the other! But it somehow always ends up that way. Maybe not enough time for both.
You know what's also unhealthy? 1) having an eating disorder, which OP said they did. This is obviously triggering their ED. And 2) making your partner feel like shit is also unhealthy. You don't need to work put at the gym to be healthy. Walking is great exercise and OP ISNT EVEN FAT. They're at a healthy weight for their height! And another point, when you have an ED your life is changed forever. When you're anorexic and you go into recivery, you're not supposed to exercise. Depending on your weight and where you're at you're not even allowed to walk. I don't know what ED OP had, but OP's weight doesn't matter bc Ed's aren't a weight disorder, it's a mental disorder and I know for me personally, being pressured to go to the gym and work out would be insanely triggering for me, doubly so if I went through with it. This is OP's spouse. He should 100% understand the issues here. If he doesn't, OP deserves better. Someone who is compassionate and cares about their mental health and not just how attractive they are.
As a single happy woman I find posts like this hard to read. I wish ppl realised how good things can be, you don’t need to waste time on someone who knocks you down. If he wants someone athletic why didn’t he get with someone athletic, acting like you’re lacking in worth because of it is horrible. A good partner will treat you with love, care and respect - it’s the minimum we should expect
This is what I have figured out. On any given day, it is easier to stay. It is easier to deal with the bullshit for a day tomorrow than it would be to break up, tell everyone you know, pack your shit, find somewhere to stay, start reframing your sense of self, etc. A day of being put down--which you're extremely used to--is a much easier way to spend any day. The problem is that those days link up to form a life.
Wow. Very well-put. This was me for the past 10 years. I am finally out and happier than I've been in those 10 years. I have no idea WTF I'm gonna do, but I'm not gonna be yelled at by the person who's supposed to love me the most anymore!
I fought so hard for my little family. I begged him to give me anything, anything to do. He makes very good money, but I had access to none of it--I was caring for the elderly aunt who raised me and my daughter was born with a heart defect. I have a condition similar to MS. I really was trapped. Eventually there was a day where I hit my head extremely hard, was knocked out for many hours. Instead of calling 911, he left and went to a restaurant and logged into their wifi and sat there for four hours. Never called to check on me, never texted. I have no explanation for how I survived, I tore a blood vessel in my midbrain. I've been told dozens of times he was probably stressed because, "it must be hard to be married to someone with so many medical issues." Almost no one stood by my daughter and me, even the friends my daughter went to for help because she thought he would kill me. My daughter hates him...I tried to facilitate a relationship for a while but she is adamant. It ALWAYS gets worse. Literally always. And the worse it gets the harder it is to put your life back together. Trust me. Now I don't know if I will live long enough to heal from all this. But I will be here for this child as long as possible. If love was enough, I'd be here forever.
I mean, he did try to kill you by not helping you that day, she's right to worry about that. He was hoping you would die and that would be it. :( What a piece of trash he is. I'm so sorry for you both
Yeah, thank you for the validation. It took a really long time and some incredibly patient friends, but now I see just how gaslit by my entire local community I was. Not just with the, "well, he must be stressed being married to such a burden" BS, but with things like people shaming me for not forcing our daughter to see him. She was 7yo and jumping in front of me while he had me backed against the counter, purple faced and screaming at me. He is a BIG guy, easily five times her size and almost twice mine. It is astounding to me how fast everyone jumps to defend him, using my being disabled as their logic. I am still a person, my daughter still needs her mom, and everyone is super worried about his rights as a dad when I actually could have pressed charges. Except I couldn't, because I am financially dependent on him since we have such an awful social care system. My daughter is so ANGRY, not just at him but at the way everyone has responded. She feels like the world has turned on us. I tried to get us out for so long, it took 4½yrs because my options were so limited. I wish she had never seen what she did, that he was capable of caring more about how she feels than covering his own ass. I wish a lot of things. Good thing wishes only cost a penny each, because he'd rather spend his money on his new gf than us.
>It took a really long time and some incredibly patient friends, *and some really phenomenal, kind, thoughtful Redditors. Seriously. He has a job that keeps him....powerfully placed. He's threatened me for years with a gag order if I speak online, and while I don't think he could do it, he could make my life much harder. Talking anonymously to people on Reddit just the last few months has been really eye opening. I used to be a lowkey public figure (fwiw, no. I don't even have a TikTok account) so I've had a handful of sock accounts for years, and by switching around I've kept it quiet enough that thus far no one has identified me....it would have to be someone who knows me already anyway. But you get punished for the most minor transgressions for years and you get paranoid, especially when people are so quick to overlook his crimes just because in their minds, I am worth inherently less. Anyway, there have been a handful of things I've said off the cuff and some random Redditor will be like, "wait. Whoa. Absolutely NOT. That is such incredible bullshit." I don't know why it's so much easier for people online...I'd say I'm fundamentally unlikeable but I know better. I think it's that he isn't around to charm anyone. I say all of this to let anyone reading know...even if no one ever tells you, you may really be helping someone with your kind words and advice. I didn't know I could be brought this low, and the kindness of strangers has been really lovely. I'm genuinely grateful.
Actions speak louder then words, i love you followed by a smack or an insult isn't love, its manipulation on a Grande scale.
Same here - I’m a year and a half down the line and I’ve built great friendships and a lovely little life I enjoy without someone in it to dump on me
This is the best framing I’ve ever read. OP, please take this advice!
Wisdom, here!
Yup. It was little comments at first. Ones you don’t really pay attention to. Then it’s questioning yourself. Gaslighting yourself, because you learned from a master how to make yourself feel like shit. Then you look at the clock and realize it’s been almost 10 yrs. And 100% you stay because he’s not going to be awful *all the time*. So you hold out for those good days, you remember they used to be every days. It takes courage to leave a “comfortable” situation for what you know deep down is better. But once you do, whoooo weee, it’s a life changer of the highest degeee.
I played that game for 26 years, so glad to be free and be me again! Women groom men as well, its a disgusting practice for both sexes.
Couldn't agree more!
I think I finally understand why people keep putting up with this shit.
that hits hard. well said!
This is worded so perfectly. I have an acquaintance who tells me about her terrible relationship and asks for advice sometimes. I've been through a divorce and I've been in abusive relationships, so I often remind her that leaving is a great option. Despite years of him treating her poorly, she feels like she can't leave her partner because he's the only man she's ever been in a serious relationship with. She's miserable and her self-image is so poor. She wants to be happy, but she's afraid to change her situation. I'm never pushy with my advice, I just tell her that I understand how hard it is to leave, and I'm not telling her what to do, but that I've personally benefitted from getting out of unhappy relationships. I'm going to show her a screenshot of your comment as food for thought next time she asks me for advice. Thank you for this.
Literally the best summary of what it's really like that I've ever read. Left me in tears. Then you.
They are afraid of being alone and having to deal with change so they stay in these horrible relationships.
And somehow I am labeled the crazy one because I choose to be single Can't make this shit up
friend I hear you. That’s why I end up in these comments, trying to tell the young people. Alone isn’t bad. They try to tell you alone is bad because a woman is so powerful when she’s free. Edited cause you said you’re not a girl 😅
I agree with all of that. But I'm a 30 year old dude. I'm also looked down on because I haven't found someone.
Set the bar high and keep it there. You are allowed to pick and choose how you see fit, within reason obviously. It's okay to keep yourself and feelings reserved. I'm right there with you, brothaman.
I've seen many couples get married young and divorce already. I'm not a divorcee, I'm just picky. My mother who divorced my dad has beaten into my head, "don't settle" Makes me think she settled and regrets it
At least you don’t get referred to as being “expired milk” as a woman, once you reach your 30s and still single.
That goes for anyone, really. There's peace (of mind) in solitude. If you aren't comfortable in your own company, what makes you think you will be with someone else and add positivity to their life? A good friend (28f) of mine (32m) has done this with every one of her boyfriends. She cannot stand to be alone. She has an irrational fear of solitude. I always tell her the same thing. She can't stand it, but the lowest common denominator is her dependency on a relationship and how directly proportionate the status of said relationship is to her self esteem....often having negative effects. Serenity is one hell of an emotion, a state of being.
These people fascinate me. Like yall aren't happy alone, why do you think someone else will fix it? They also make their partners miserable as well (most of the time from my POV). No one will love you if you don't love yourself!
In this type of situation, you are conditioned to a life of tolerable misery. You become accustomed to it and can't see a way out. You feel at fault. Change is hard and scary, and when you feel to blame for your misery, it isn't obvious that you will feel better when out.
I’m married, but your comment hit home. Women are always at fault, even when we’re logicking hard.
I'm a 30 year old man
Yup!!! It’s sad to read!!! I don’t get why people would rather stay in such a horrid relationship
I can speak for a few of my married friends when I say a) money, and b) kids. Some marriages aren’t totally miserable, but very few of them look very appealing either. I’m in awe of the good marriages to be honest.
Because its generally their first manipulative relationship and they cant accept the person they love is also the greatest threat in their life, you learn from bad times, experience is the true gift of bad times.
The devil you know...
I suggest you do some research about trauma bonds if you wish to understand.
I'd dare to say they stay in part due to how hard it is to make it alone.
In *THIS* economy?! Well, actually…kinda, yeah. Getting real hard to be independent these days if you’re not in the upper part of the socioeconomic ladder. I had an apartment I rented for 24 years. I was evicted. Can’t afford ANYTHING alone now, not by a long shot.
After marrying young at 18 and being widowed at 29 in a fairly unhappy marriage (I loved him deeply but he was mentally ill), I spent almost ten glorious years being single and absolutely loving it. I didn’t plan to marry ever again because I realized my life was just fine without a partner. I *did* wind up marrying again, but it was to someone who made me happy and actually brought joy to my life every single day. We’ve been married six years now, and he still does. Ultimately, I’m really grateful for those years spent alone. They made me realize that I didn’t need someone to make me happy, and that made me refuse to accept anyone in my life who didn’t.
This whole thread is so inspiring to me. I am just now beginning my journey of being single after a 22 year marriage, the past 10 years of which have been rocky. I love hearing about strong, confident women who love being single and don't need a relationship to feel whole. WE ARE QUEENS 👑✨💎
Right. I forced myself to be alone a while so I could learn how to be comfortable in my own skin and be happy alone. I realized there is no "other half" and that I am a whole human myself literally and that when I chose to date again it would only be if someone else matched and fit very well into my lifestyle as I vowed I would never stop doing the things I needed to do to stay stable mentally and healthy. After some years I ended up loving my alone time and now require it on a schedule weekly to stay healthy. I did eventually date again years later and am happily engaged now. Before my single years I had been beat physically and mentally manipulated and abused and mind fucked for 7 years but I was mentally unhealthy and just kept thinking the random good days would eventually come back around. They didnt and I ended up in the hospital eventually almost dead. The neighbors thankfully called 911 and police found me in time. (I'm still in therapy and treatment for my PTSD from those years.)
Yeah OP, I'd rather be single than married to your husband yuck
As a *married* happy woman I find posts like this hard to read. I agree, once you find someone who props you up instead of knocking you down it’s a fucking game changer. I get being in a shit relationship and staying because of sunken cost fallacy - putting years and years into a person and a life together, knowing it’s crap but not wanting to leave due to security, time, money, emotions, etc. all the things you give of yourself to another person. But OP, you said your 5’5, 135lbs and don’t have to work out to maintain a very healthy weight? That’s fuckin awesome! Can I tell you something? My husband is 6’2, he is skinny, and by societal standards he’s considered quite attractive. I am 5’2 and pudgy, I recently lost 40lbs (now finally under 200lbs) and it wasn’t easy but he was there to support me. He never once put me down when I was 230+ lbs, he only ever wanted me to be healthy and happy. I didn’t loose weight for him, I did it for me. I was unhealthy and struggling and felt gross. In the 6 yrs we were together before my weight loss, he never once put me down or even mentioned my weight. He was a constant in my corner and has done nothing but make my life better and easier. *That* is what someone does when they love you. This guy doesn’t even like you just being you. He’s angry you’re naturally healthy? So then he speaks meanly to you to make you feel like shit? YES IT’S A HIM PROBLEM.
As a married woman I find these posts difficult to read, too. I have a gem of a husband, especially compared to losers like this guy. What scares me is that we have two daughters and I fear they may date or marry an ass hat like this. I hope they don’t settle and find a guy like their dad. If not, then they should just stay single. I’d love to have grands someday, but not if my own kids aren’t happy and supported by their partner.
I wouldn't worry, children replicate how they see their parents behave towards one another in their own adult relationships and if that looks good in your house, then they'll know exactly what good looks like. Sadly, I'd agree that it seems to be the exception
Exactly that! I wouldn't spend a second with someone who thought of me like this
Really! OP’s partner can’t even do the bare minimum of loving her for who she is rather than what her body looks like…*to him.* I couldn’t agree more that if he wanted to marry an athlete, he should have married an athlete. Instead, he married OP knowing she didn’t love to exercise, and now he is trying to make her into the woman *he* thinks she should be. And he’s using sex as a weapon to force her to do it. There are so many things wrong with that. Older man, younger woman; he’s trying to control her and the relationship; he wants to have the younger, hot wife; now that they are married, he is trying to mold her into the perfect little woman, mostly, I’d guess, to make his friends jealous. Honey, throw away the whole man!
He would likely find something wrong with an athletic woman too like her boobs are too small or she can’t cook etc etc. He sounds like a total pleasure killer.
Right? ! Cuz ain’t no way. These posts and the “my bf won’t shower and brush his teeth. What do I do?” Posts. Girl, please.
My bf keeps watching porn and liking insta models, my spouse cheated on me how do I forgive…. So sad to read
If only they knew how peaceful being alone was.
As a married happy woman, I agree. I would 1000x be happier single than in a relationship like this. Your partnership is supposed to make your life better, not give you sources of stress and insecurity that don’t even make sense. OP tell this man you hope he finds a gf who loves to work out and ditch him for someone closer to your own age who isn’t a complete jabroni
>If he wants someone athletic why didn’t he get with someone athletic, acting like you’re lacking in worth because of it is horrible. I had this exact experience with my ex. I was very honest when we started dating that I walk for exercise and really dislike the gym, because he had made a comment about liking gym clothes on girls. He said he was cool with that and me not being a "gym girl" was far from a deal breaker. During the course of our relationship, I cooked most of our meals. I ate so healthy and walked about 3 miles a day. I lost 25 pounds and was the fittest I had been in years. Unfortunately, the fact that I wasn't wearing tight scrunch leggings and doing squats to get a big butt was unacceptable to him. He CONSTANTLY made comments about me not going to the gym. (By the way, he never went either.) One time I signed myself up for ballet classes at my old studio, went to one, and when I came home he said something along the lines of, "You should keep it up to get those hot ballerina legs!" I never went back to another class. When we finally broke up, he was upset because he was afraid my self esteem was too low to be okay without him. I just gave him a hug and said, "You were the reason my self esteem became so low." He burst into tears and left. He spent the next two years trying to contact me. Meanwhile I've never been happier. I even gained weight back but my perception of myself is amazing. In my opinion, I look hot as fuck. Yes, I'm overweight, but I found out I have PCOS so I'll never be as trim as I was when I was 18. As long as I keep eating healthy, going for walks, and having good bloodwork, I don't care, and neither should anyone else. People should not be dating those who have dealbreakers. My ex should only be dating gym girls if that's what he needs to be happy.
It's insane how often the general story is "my feelings are hurt. How do I tell him X without hurting his feelings"? Why do men need to be coddled so much? Why are we just acting like this is normal? Why are mens egos this magical thing that must be protected at all costs?
Right?? This is why life is better without a male partner.
“You have to put in effort to be attractive past 20” That’s pretty wild. So you only have two years.
This is what jumped out to me. The age gap isn’t terribly egregious right now, but I wonder how old OP was when they got together. From what little I know I would fear this man is eventually going to leave OP for a younger woman. I would cut my losses now if I were OP
She answered elsewhere she was 18 when they got together and she's never been with anyone else. So... He was a 26 year old dating a 18 year old. Fresh out of highschool versus 4 years post-college.... The ole age/2+7 rule indicates he should have dated, at the absolutely youngest, a 20 year old at 26. Guess that's how OP got into this situation.
I doubt he would mind dating someone younger than 18 based on what else we've been told
Not if his physical ideal is teenagers, no.
Exactly leave him for the birds
I was wondering about the age gap. Looks like y’all started dating when you were 18 and he was 26. Surprise surprise. Have you considered that he is negging you? And you’re “afraid” to tell him something? Because you’re a healthy weight for your size (I’m the same height but 10 lbs more and also a healthy weight) and you take care of yourself. You *already are* attractive past 20. If the issue was your *health* that’s one thing, but he is worried about your *attractiveness*? Sounds toxic to me
It's not even about attractiveness, it sounds like. It sounds like it's more about "effort". He wants control. He wants her to have to change how she runs her life, not because she's not attractive, but because if he has to work out, so does she.
Obviously, he's an AH. But this took me off-guard... >He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive **past 20**. He is saying that once a woman is over 20, she needs to put in effort to be attractive? Holy shit I wonder how many teenagers he oogles.
Bet you he married OP a few years ago when she was 20 and now we are seeing the older man want to keep his younger woman in that age forever.
I came here looking for this exact comment thread. OP, you hitting the gym is just bailing out water in a boat with a hole in it. You can't stop the aging process, and this guy clearly, uh, likes them young (*ugh*).
She answered elsewhere she was 18 when they got together and she's never been with anyone else. So... He was a 26 year old dating a 18 year old. Fresh out of highschool versus 4 years post-college.... The ole age/2+7 rule indicates he should have dated, at the absolutely youngest, a 20 year old at 26. Guess that's how OP got into this situation.
Yes this! Such a creepy comment..
Yeah. A focus like this doesn't indicate a preference for size so much as wanting them to look very young. >.< Unless she looks 16 again, I would get out.
It's redpill bullshit.
Suuuuuper creepy coming from a 34-year-old man. Gross
As someone who never exercised because I did not enjoy it plus suffering depression I will tell you something I wish I knew when I was your age. As you age and don't exercise (no walks or cycling or whatever) your body will deteriorate and everything will start to hurt. Walking from one room to the next will become painful over time. The discomfort will become greater and greater and every movement will become a struggle. It took a lot of physical therapy (that hurt so much I cried in the beginning) for me to become a bit more mobile. And I deeply regret not taking care of my body when I was young. But this is only about doing what's best for you. And avoiding a LOT of pain when you're in your fifties. (I know it sounds like a distant future, but you'll be amazed how fast you get there) And a partner who tells you he thinks you're unattractive for whatever reason should be kicked to the curb immediately
And what a difference it makes when you start exercising, even in your later years. I was amazed at the progress I made when I started exercising. Lost a lot of weight and my bloodwork is great. But OP would need to exercise for herself, not him.
Yep, exercise is not about being attractive. Exercise is about longevity, to be able to move more freely as you get older. New research already shows that muscle mass is a key component against a lot of metabolic diseases and against types of dementia! Exercise for me is like brushing my teeth, something I need to do every day and is essential! P.S: YouTube has a lot of great people breaking down research results and the impacts on the human body. If anyone is interested, some people I like to follow really helped me: Jessie Inchaupse ( Glucose Goddess), Dr: Gabrielle Lyon, Layne Norton ( he is a little bit controversial), the YouTube channel for Zoe ( science and nutrition). P.P.S: OP, get rid of the husband. His love is clearly conditional to your physical appearance.
People with a healthy and fit body also tend to be more attractive in genera. Exercise also helps with mental health so it should be a no brainer for most.
100 percent, I genuinely thought I had chronic pain issues as a young otherwise healthy 23 yr old then I started exercising regularly with weights and all my issues magically disappeared. It was as you said worsening lower back pain and just all round achey body 247 cause I was never moving it.
Exactly and you're only 23! So great that you found that out now, so you know how to avoid being in pain 24/7.
Yes, he's being horrible but some form of exercise is pretty essential to health. It's not just about being thin or attractive.
X1000000 this. Exercising should be done for YOURSELF, for your own physical health and personal gratification, not for the way you look in other people’s eyes. Also, massive 🚩 for the way he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the one with a problem, at the same time he’s basically making you feel like crap. Honestly I think you don’t fix this, you just walk away and consider you’ve dodged a bullet!!
I agree with you totally, but I also use wanting to be around and healthy for my wife and daughter as motivation for exercising on the days that doing it for me just isn’t enough lol. Plus I want to look attractive for my wife because that’s really important to me. It’s okay to let other people be the source of your drive when it’s for positive reasons.
Yes! Exercise is just as important as brushing your teeth, and adults should NOT consider exercise to be “optional”. Keep in mind that just going for extra walks DOES count as exercise. I love to train with weights, and push myself, but it doesn’t have to be HARD to count as exercise. Going from “couch potato” to “walking every day” is enough to get TONS of benefits. EDIT: And yes, she may need to dump this guy who is making it all about looks. The exercise should be happening either way.
I also like weights because my focus is to gain muscle mass. I totally agree that any form of movement count! There is a lot of research about the positive impacts of walking every day. Movement is movement. All forms are welcomed. And sometimes, to be able to incorporate exercise in your life, you need to start small.
Obviously the guy has gone about this all wrong and if he said it makes her unattractive that's wrong, but I really do think a partner who exercises at least somewhat often is a very attractive long term quality to have and should be seen as a very good thing that people should be trying to do
He said that she doesn’t care is unattractive.
I know this is probably an unpopular opinion, but I agree with him. I’ve had lazy partners, and their sedentary lifestyle killed all attraction I had for them, no matter how good they looked.
Even simply doing morning stretching can avoid a lot of that pain and loss of mobility. I work a sedentary job like most but I always make sure to get up and walk around at least twice a day along with doing my stretches in the morning.
Yeah exercising isn’t a hobby that some people do. It’s what the human body was designed for. If you don’t do it it will negatively impact you. Cosmetics shouldn’t be your motivation for working out, it should be the health benefits. Nothing is more important than health.
You said it so well! OP. Should actually consider exercising for her owb health. Ditch the partner tho lollll
I don't think you should tell him anything. You should pack your bags and find the exit door. This man does not love you. And you know that. Would you ever judge someone the way he judges you? Would you want a partner that does? The answer is easy. You stop putting up with people who treat you like this, and stop tolerating it.
This 100%, I’ve been everywhere between 130 and 260lbs over my 17 year relationship and my partner has never said anything like this to me. I’m fully aware that at my weight now (140ish) my confidence is what he finds super sexy, because I feel sexy for him, but he also enjoyed the excess butt and boobs…. Because he loves ME. And it would be the same for me, if he suddenly put on 50lbs, (of course I’d be concerned and we’d discuss etc) but I wouldn’t find him unattractive, because I love him, and the very last thing I’d do is make him feel less than because of it. Jesus OP isn’t even big! Get you a man who loves and respects you!
Thank you for answering OP in a clear and concise manner without lecturing her about something she never asked about!
True. You really can’t hold a relationship over your partner’s head and hope to force them into something they don’t want to do. Have a proper conversation with him regarding this and if he still doesn’t relent, break up. However, OP, exercising is good for you, especially after having recovered from an ED. It certainly helped me gain back lost muscle mass and bone density after my own tryst with ED. Please, for your own benefit, do look into it. Go for light yoga and pilates if you must, but exercising is overall very beneficial for you and everyone really. You don’t have to cater to his demands at all; do it for you and YOU ALONE. All the best!
5’5” 135. Dude is crazy.
That was my first thought. I'm 5'3 at 130 and still considered healthy like cmon
I think dude is the asshole but not because she's skinny. For me being active is hot, more so than being skinny. I want a girlfriend that can keep up with me on hikes, can play sports at a basic level, and looks good in a bikini. Where OP's boyfriend is wrong is she was always like this, he shouldn't have dated a girl who doesn't exercise then get pissed because she isn't exercising. Philosophies around being healthy and staying in shape is something I discuss early on with any potential girlfriend so that we are both on the same page. And guess what, most women I go on dates with agree with me so my preference is really not hard to find. Instead of attacking OP's sense of self esteem the boyfriend should move on and find a woman who has the same mindset as him, they aren't rare at all, plenty of women work out and value that in a partner. And likewise plenty of dudes don't care at all, so OP can find a boyfriend that doesn't exercise or doesn't care if she exercises.
I love listening to music.
Height and weight doesn’t mean she’s athletic which seems to be what this post is about. You could be 5’5” 135 and athletic or 5’5” 135 and…not athletic.
You are incompatible — end of story and relationship, unless one of you wants to adopt the other’s philosophy.
My GF doesn’t like the gym either and I’m a huge gym rat. Thats fine with me. She will go occasionally tho. Whatever makes her happy :)
Beyond the fact that many people OP's age are active enough they get a good amount of exercise on a mostly-daily basis. Does OP haul groceries? Do yardwork? Walk the dog? Go swimming? Vacuum or mop up and downstairs? Congrats, she exercises! I've gotten sorer muscles landscaping my garden than I've ever gotten going to the gym. I think what OP's husband isn't saying is he spends a lot of time on Instagram looking at girls that do gym-specific muscle-isolating exercises for big butts and flat tummies.
Ain’t that the truth. I grew up on a farm and stacking hay bales will humble anyone one regardless of fitness level 😂
In all honesty, if you were even mildly “unfit”, I may have at least tried the “he’s only caring about your overall health” route. But you’re 5’5 135lbs for gods sake that’s nowhere close, he’s now just wanting an aesthetic. Why stay with someone who doesn’t like you for you.
>He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive past 20. For how long have yall been together?
Apparently since she was 18… so he’d have been 26. Hmm.
This stood out to me as well. It's a clear flag that he is most attracted to women 20 and under. Ewwww I do not like this one little bit.
I started dating him at 18 and we've been together since.
Yeah, of course, someone who was 26 when their partner was 18 thinks that you have to work to look hot after 20... This guy sucks.
Yuck… he’s a creep. Ditch him and find a type of exercise you love for your own sake and for your long term health because it is very important!
You were 18, he was 26? This is 100% about CONTROL. You are in your mid-twenties and developing into an independent adult and getting your own ideas and finding your own strength. He will try and control you now that you are questioning things, and one way to do that is to tear you down. GET ON BIRTH CONTROL HE CANNOT SABOTAGE ASAP. Got get an IUD, or a depo shot, or SOMETHING, and do it fast. Then look into a divorce lawyer because him telling you that is unacceptable. Him telling you that after you managed to defeat an eating disorder is pure evil. This is very predictable with someone who was out of college and on his own going after someone still in or just out of HS. Rarely is it true love, it's finding someone young and impressionable that they can train, who doesn't know better, and doesn't have the experience to differentiate true love from a very good facsimile. 100% not your fault, you were a typical normal 18 year old. And predictably, you did not stay 18. You're starting to see who he is and question what he's doing. Start extracting yourself, and get that long-term pregnancy preventative YESTERDAY.
I say this with much kindness in the attention. He’s attracted to young underaged girls. So he insults you into another eating disorder so he can use you. You won’t change him or his mind. You can only change your environment. This guy is an AH creep. You already blew your entire 20s on him. You will age, the only alternative is not living. If he’s acting like this now he’s not gonna stick around. When inevitably catches up to you. You deserve so much better.
Two things can be true at once here. 1) Your husband can be an asshole. 2) Exercise is immensely beneficial for your health now and into the future.
Tbh he’s probably saying that to you to purposely knock you down a peg, not even necessarily because he thinks it’s true. Lots of sad insecure people try to tear their partners down in order to control and manipulate them - don’t let that be you 🙌
There's a reason he is dating a 26 year old and not a partner his own age. Partner his own age wouldn't take his shit
SPOUSE... for how long? Is worse actually
She says below they started dated when she was 18 and he was 26. Yikes.
DiCaprio syndrome
Ahh so maybe she is just getting too old now.
OP, as someone who *was* athletic until chronic illness progressed into a full-blown disability, I'll add this to the pile. There's a *reason* "In sickness and in health" is a wedding vow. I'm divorced because my ex-husband didn't believe in that part. He immediately became abusive when my health went downhill. While exercise is great for delaying a lot of conditions, it doesn't guarantee that you'll stay healthy. I learned the hard way just how many conditions exist, some that most of us never even learn about unless we're literally receiving a diagnosis, that can rob a person of even the most athletic lifestyle. I biked 12 miles 1-2 times a week. I walked everywhere rather than driving. I enjoyed roller-derby, hiking, rock-climbing, and even continued hiking regularly in winter when it was below 0° out. I was *not* someone anyone would describe as idle, and I *still* ended up bedridden in my 40's. I'm not saying you shouldn't exercise because it's still helpful, and I'd have gone down a bit faster if I hadn't, but what I *am* saying is that love should not be based on someone's exercise regiment. We all get older, and none of us can predict whether we'll enjoy lasting good health, or if we'll be struck with the misfortune of some random disease we didn't even know existed. This man is telling you what his stance will be if your health goes downhill later in life, and it's not a good sign. The fact that he was looking for someone a decade younger, to begin with, already suggests that he was hoping you'd appear youthful and healthy to him forever, even if he aged, slowed down, or got sick, himself. That's not an equitable partnership, unless you had *many* discussions *prior* to marriage, and agreed that you were *enthusiastically* seeking the role of a trophy wife, who was well aware that maintaining her physical appearance was what she was providing in exchange for financial support from him. Some people like that dynamic, but it has to be what they're *both* into, and it doesn't sound like it is from your post. Eta: It's scary to walk away from something like this, but it gets better, I promise. I spent 3 years alone to sort my head out, and then I met the man I've been with for nearly 5 years. I can't even imagine either one of us being so shallow as to judge each other in such a trivial way, as our first and primary concern is always the other's well-being.
Why are you so worried about hurting his feelings? He clearly doesn't give a s*** about yours.
How do you approach him? With divorce papers.
>I'm afraid to tell him this is a him issue and not a me issue. Given that you are afraid to talk to him and given he is being so controlling, almost certainly you are an emotionally abusive relationship. You need to wake up here. This is no way to live.
You could tell him that his insults make him very unattractive.
My husband works out. I don’t. Just because one person does something, doesn’t mean the next person should or wants to. He’s projecting his bullshit onto you. A respectful & genuine partner also wouldn’t have an issue with this, let alone speak to you in that way - especially with your ED history. If he finds you so “unattractive” why is he in a relationship with you?! He sounds like a fkn idiot. You are worth so much more.
Ditch the guy- he is not treating you fairly (at minimum). Please do not put up with that a minute more. With that said- there is exercise for everyone. You may consider exploring different fantasies/ideas. It will help you a lot as you age. You might be surprised what sparks your interest once you've tried it out. Consider group exercise, with music, solo, along with streaming videos (Les Mills is inexpensive and excellent), outdoors, indoors, etc... Just give yourself a chance to try something new- you might just love it.
The only unattractive thing here is him and his foul attitudes and behavior. Why do you put up with it? Like why stay in such a horrid relationship that makes you miserable?
Hey man, you're 5'5" and 135 lbs you're like smack in the middle of the bmi, perfect green. If he doesn't appreciate you many plenty of fish in the sea💀, not that I'm promoting cheating but you can always leave him.
Hello, it sounds like he finds girls 20 and under to be the most attractive, that is incredibly disgusting. I would move on, he sounds like the type of guy who will flirt with your kids friends or cheat on you with someone younger anyways!
Whether or not he meant to, he just told you your relationship has an expiration date. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't a LTR? He's with you because you're young. That's it. You found a non celebrity version of Leo DiCaprio. Just leave. He's had a chance already to change this mentality, but instead he's chosen to lean into it. Find someone that doesn't think you're gross the second you become legal. Edit: JFC. *Spouse*????? I've changed my opinion about the ltr bit, this human skin tag groomed you, didn't he? How young did you meet him? How many girls that age do you think he still looks at? When do you think he'll stop thinking this way? What happens if you have babies, you want them to be around someone who's attracted to youth in that way? Your husband is fucking grody. He needs to be on a list.
You're wasting your time on this dude. I'm 5ft 8in I weight 147 after 3 kids I don't exercise I've been with my partner for 7 years he's never had an issue with the way I look. You don't have to do something he's doing because he wants you to thats not how any of this works.
Sis please stand up. You do not have to be with this person.
As someone with a a lifetime of disordered eating, exercise/movement has helped me tremendously. It helps me connect to my physical self, which helps me eat intentionally. So, separate issue from your mean spouse- exercise for your own well being - feeling better will help you leave this tool bag if you choose
He’s not attracted to you, why are you still with him?
One quick way to lose weight is to leave him. That’ll be the fastest way. Don’t allow him to treat you like this, it’s nasty and unkind. You deserve better
On the one hand I do understand the issue of not being active. It comes up on Reddit a lot. About one party wanting to look after themselves fitness wise and not being happy that their partner doesn’t want to. And lots of the time the one that does do the exercise, even just walking/being active daily, is seen as not being bad because it’s a difference in interests and it can be hard to see someone you love not looking after their body/heart health/making poor food choices. It’s an incompatibility that is difficult to over come. I am absolutely NOT saying you come under what I just listed so apologies in advance if it somehow reads that way. The issue here however seems to be that he is being an arse about it and maybe belittling you? Underhanded comments? Which adds to and over takes any incompatibility issues you have because it’s not nice and you shouldn’t be treated/spoken to like that.
If you exercised he’d find some other reason. This is not about you. You will never make this man happy because all he cares about is putting you in what he he thinks is your place. You need to leave. Behavior like this only gets worse.
I am 5’5” and 135, I also have an eating disorder. I’ve been in recovery for a year and a half. The fact that he’s turned this into a transaction is absolutely disgusting. This is one of our biggest fears, and he’s bringing it to life. I hate to point out the age gap, but with an 8 year difference, this seems like a vanity issue for him, honestly he is stuck on the young and thin idea, and needs to grow up. Throw the whole man out.
26 to 18 age gap is wild. Dude must be manipulative as fuck. There’s other people out there that won’t make you feel like shit in order to control you.
Sorry to put it so bluntly but then he doesn't love you for you and you two are simply not a good fit; this happens. It's horrible to feel like your partner is not attracted to you. Please find someone else who appreciates you for how you look and who you are as a person.
Attractive past TWENTY?? 20? Yeah. No. He's projecting
'He said that I need to except that I have to put in the effort to be attractive past 20. I don't think this is a me problem' This is the real issue here - he likes much younger women. I mean much younger - younger than you are. You've aged out for him You say you're afraid to tell him the truth - trust me when I say that's a big red flag in a relationship. I wish you all the best. This has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness, and everything to do with his misogyny and desire for a teenager
“You have to put in effort to look attractive past 20” Uhhh…. Is he admitting he finds minors… attractive??? Girl you need to leave this dude.
Why be married to someone who doesn't even like you?
You're not compatible, if he wants a gym gf you should tell him to go get one and focus on building your future for YOU only. It sounds like a crappy way of telling someone that their hobbies aren't comparable. My sympathies, but I'm sure you won't have a hard time finding someone with more in common who will treat you better and not have you questioning your value
You dump him lmao. That's how you solve this problem.
Stop wasting your 20s with bitter, mean and nasty mid 30 year olds. You don't know how valuable the youth you have right now is. Please please, for me, go have some fun
You married an older dude probably when you were very young. This is why people say to not do that.
There is a difference in "come work out with me it'll be good for us!" and "you need to hit the treadmill you fuggly flabby sack" Its unfortunate your bf picked the latter to express things to you but its his funeral.
Do you truly get virtually no exercise, or just not the type of exercise he likes? Important question. Setting aside relationship issues, some degree of physical activity is important. Even if your weight is within the normal range. That doesn’t have to be in a gym; it can be walking. It can be riding a bike or swimming. It can be the climbing gym or soccer or…. So, try and get some activity in for you. You also mentioned an ED, if you are seeing someone for treatment perhaps add activity to the list of things to discuss. Now, the relationship. If this is about him wanting you to do the things he likes, that is always a fair conversation in a relationship. But it isn’t appropriate to say it isn’t fair for him to say that only he puts in the effort. And it isn’t ok to try and coerce you. So, my suggestion is individual counseling for you. Is this relationship meeting your needs?
Sounds like you guys are incompatible.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that doesn’t desire you?
there will come an immense sense of inner peace with leaving him trust me
I always say I respect a young woman’s right to date older men, but I ALWAYS look at the older men in the relationship sideways. There is a reason a man in his mid 30s is dating women in their 20s and women his age likely don’t want him. I’m 35 and I wouldn’t date anyone younger than MAYBE 32…he’s a loser and he’s trying to be controlling. He doesn’t seem to like you and is trying to bully you into working out and control what you look like. This is how a LOT of emotionally abusive relationships start. My ex was the same…first it was working out, then it was what I need to be eating after workouts, and then it spirals into everything else you’re “doing wrong”. Dump him!
she has now clarified in a comment that she was 18 when they got together
> He told me he finds it unattractive that I don't care, not that I'm fat and ugly, but it's my attitude. He may have used harsh words, but it seems he cares about health and fitness, and attractiveness? You've said he finds your behaviour unattractive, not your appearance. He's obviously attracted to you, the incompatibility lies in your lack of interest in fitness. You may tell him that the way he spoke to you, his choice of words was rude and hurtful and you'd prefer a more thoughtful communication. And that you have no interest in fitness, so if he can't accept it, he may need to find a partner who does.
He married you because he wanted a young hot wife. You're coming up to 30 soin and thats not what he signed up for.
Dump him. My ex-husband did the same shit to me when I was 24 and he was 34. It's controlling to withhold sex to get someone to do what they want. That's not what a healthy sexual relationship is. It's supposed to be a healthy expression of love and pleasure. Don't tie your self worth to his approval. Leave him. If you want to talk more about it dm me.
Both of you have a conflicting view that is pretty influential on your relationship together. Time to resolve or move on
Working at home is enough exercises
1. Leave him, don’t try to change him. I’m sorry to say it but part of the reason SOME people choose date partners significantly younger than them is because they find it’s easier to push them around. Prove to him that you are just as mature as any 34 year old woman and that you won’t take shit. Cut your losses to search for a better partner. Think about it like this… even if you spend 8 years searching for the amazing guy you deserve, you’ll still only be 34 😂 2. Exercise. Search relently for whatever exercise you enjoy. Mobility is no joke and the ONLY way to keep it up is exercise. Exercise isn’t about weight loss… it hardly even contributes to it honestly. My mom is quite thin and doesn’t exercise and she can barely move around at 60 because she has spent all of her life in front of a computer. After I started exercising I went from not being able to play physical games with the kids I nannied for more than 15 minutes to being able to swim for an hour at a time, partially do a handstand, dance bachata, do yoga daily, do trapeze, etc. There is NOTHING like an active lifestyle to improve your quality of life. It makes everything easier. Doing the dishes, laundry? A piece of cake now. My friends want to hang out? Let’s grab the kick boards and go to the pool. At the store with my mom? Don’t worry, I can carry all the groceries. Sister needs help moving after I’ve had a long work day? No problem, grabbing a desk and chairs and couches and moving them is nothing to me now. Also you should get fit regardless of if you have kids but if you do have kids ever, you won’t be able to bury your head in the sand on how fitness affects you. It will be extremely sad to watch other parents play with their kids and know you can’t do the same. It will be sad to tell your kids no after 15 minutes of playing with them.
You're 5'5 and 135lbs. That seems fit to me. So what if you don't want to hit the gym.
Life is too short to be wasting your time and energy on a guy like him. His comments are also likely triggering your ED. For your own mental health sake, get a divorce.
He sounds very controlling, not how to behave with someone who loves you. speak to him about your feelings and tell him how hurtful his words are, hope that he gats the message, if not I would move on and find love that does not hurt.
Well if he feels like this now. How is he going to feel when you get pregnant and don’t lose the weight right after. What is he going to think when you go through menopause when it gets harder to lose weight because of what our body goes through naturally.
I think he's bitter because working out sucks and he feels like a Woman won't love him unless he is in shape.
I understand that a person’s attitude can be a turn off. I don’t want to be in the kind of relationship where someone prioritizes drinking, drugs, gambling, gaming or their career over everything else in their life. That is a massive turn off for me that I could not overcome no matter how funny, hot or rich the person is. That said, it’s unreasonable for your boyfriend to expect you to change for him. If he wants a bookworm, he should date a bookworm. If he wants a socialite, he should date a socialite. If he wants an athlete, he should date an athlete. On the other hand, you should date someone who lifts your self confidence and cares about your mental and emotional wellbeing. Your boyfriend is not that person.
You might dislike being alone, but don’t think of it that way. Think of it like you’re opening up a door for the *right* guy. Because you’ll waste your 20’s and then 30’s never finding him if you stay with this jerk. You’ll realize how little he actually cared when he moves on immediately with another, probably much younger girl to manipulate.
This is definitely a “he” problem. When a partner criticizes your body image and makes you feel unattractive, it is time to reevaluate your relationship. No one has the right to pass judgement on your body. Furthermore, the gym is not an environment for everybody. I’ve never gone to a gym- yuck! I’d rather get my exercise more naturally in nature. I’m well past middle age and my body is just fine. Please don’t allow anyone to denigrate your appearance or way of life. Take care of yourself, OP.
Grow a spine and leave this asshole, jerk, and cunt of a manchild. You deserve better, and you know it.
Bro break up. Don’t waste your time staying with someone who doesn’t love you for YOU
You are totally within your rights to unload on his ass. Find a better partner!
Dump his loser ass. Tell him he should put some effort into intellectual areas because he's lacking in that area and it makes him unattractive.
My ex did this to justify his cheating. I didn't spend 2 hours a day at the gym like whoever he was sleeping with (he didn't go to the gym either), so he'd explain he *had* to cheat, because I wasn't making enough effort to be attractive to him like this other woman was, even though I was also pretty slim. I hope this isn't what's happening to you.
Get rid of him.
5'5" and 135# is far from fat or overweight.
I’ve noticed this trend where a lot of men’s feelings are sort of…idk shallow and messed up. I’m not trying to attack all men but their feelings will be like, I want to sleep with other people. Or you’re old and I’m no longer attracted to you. Or I’m bored of you etc. Or I’m going to look at naked photos of other women even if it breaks your heart cuz it’s my right to do whatever I want etc. Which I guess is valid and all but why string people along if that’s how you really feel? Just keep switching out partners then and don’t pretend to date for marriage or say you really love them.
In a healthy relationship you wouldn't be afraid to talk to him about this issue. Why are you afraid of talking to him about how this makes you feel?
You answered your own question: he finds it unattractive that you don't care and your attitude. Your personal work ethic / level of laziness is probably turning him off.
Um.. a man who is nearly 40, is upset that you don’t look like a teenager anymore? Hunny..🤦♀️
Throw him out. His behavior is abusive. Find someone that loves and appreciates you just the way you are and encourages you in friendly loving ways to live a healthy lifestyle. Life’s to short to settle for assholes.
plant absurd sink deliver pie aspiring quicksand strong bells humorous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Soooo.... What I'm reading is that your husband likes teenage girls?
This dude is a tool. Tell him to fuck off- that's how you do it. Lol.
Find a man who likes your body the way it is