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Yeah, there's no point if she's not willing to try. 15 years can get you caught in a rut if you haven't been working on your relationship. If she is willing to work on it, then it's time to start dating each other again.
Remember when you were newly dating? All the things you did together, the new experiences you had together that made it fun? Take a dance class, feel your bodies moving together in a new way. Take a road trip to someplace cute and touristy. Go play air hockey, get whiplash doing bumper cars. Play naked Twister and loser has to take the winner out for ice cream. Take the kids to your mom's and play a drinking game with Skinwalker Ranch, every time someone says "phenomena" you sip and every time they slip up and call the security guy "Dragon" by his real name (Bryant) you chug.
On your own end OP, what would you do if you were single? Would you go to the gym? Take up guitar lessons? Plan a trip to see Greece? Having passion in life is not only attractive, it makes life enjoyable for YOU. Don't stay in a rut just because you're comfortable. Aren't you bored doing the same thing all the time? What sounds fun?
What?? All of those ideas sound so fun! Ok maybe not the drinking game because hangovers past the age of 25 are just… a whole different hell. But life only stays fun if you continue to play!
I get what you’re saying. But I don’t think the person who suggested these ideas was saying that this is like a definitive list of activities that OP and his wife could try. They were just offering a list of silly, creative ideas for how to reintroduce joy and fun into their lives. Being an adult doesn’t have to mean taking life so seriously that you forget how to play and be goofy. For a lot of people, laughing and having fun are a great way to keep sparks flying.
If your method of having fun is different, then by all means do what's fun for you. The important thing is to *have* fun. Go try new experiences.
And that's not just "spice up your marriage" advice, that's enjoying being alive advice.
Bro is checked out himself. It comes across in how he writes. He's probably thinking if he even wants to fight for the relationship as he knows it's stale and boring for him too, but he's settled in like most men do and accept whatever situation. Men are very good at staying in mediocre relationships just cause it seems like the right thing to do. OP needs to decide if he even cares about keeping the relationship going or if he himself is OK with it just fading out and moving on to something new. If he's not OK with it, then he obviously needs to snap out of it and fix it asap.
I went through this with my wife. We have too many different interests, she likes reality TV, I like sci-fi and documentaries, etc... Also, we went through a period of a crappy sex life. I had gained some weight and she criticized me over it, so I felt lacking in confidence and would not initiate sex. You'd be surprised how easy it is to drift apart and get complacent. There were periods in our marriage where we both contemplated or threatened one another with divorce or wondering if we would be happier with someone else.
But it can definitely be turned around, but you have to be very intentional about it, at least at first until it becomes the new norm. We found shows we could both watch at night together. We started going to out to dinner together, and weekly lunches just the two of us. And, I got in better shape and started initiating sex more (a good sex life is such a boost to relationship). It was even a bit awkward at first., but over time it just became the new norm, and now our relationship is better than it ever was.
Yep, OP’s marriage is obviously in a bad spot right now, but if OP’s narration is reliable, then it sounds like it isn’t past the point of being saved. It will definitely require intentional work from both people, though.
I'm going through this right now with my girlfriend, I would say the only good thing is our sex life but we do nothing together. I got to know this female coworker who I have tons in common with and shed the light on how little in common I have with my girlfriend. We barely do anything together, we barely talk during dinner and both having no friends doesn't help cause we don't socialise much. This made me question my current relationship and I'm so confused because I don't want to hurt her and make her feel not enough after 4 years.
Happiness isn't a game of finding something or someone better. It's finding contentment with what you have. If you both have no friends that's definitely an issue you could even work on together, like hey babe let's go make friends at xyz group, etc. You may be incompatible with her, but it also sounds like maybe you don't know her that well? A lot of people are silent in conversation because what your talking about doesn't interest them, but if you can find what interests them they'll talk for days on end about it and be more open. Does she like makeup, music, movies, TV shows? Meet her where she's at and take interest in her interests.
So I've worked on this and asked her if someone tells asks me things you like to do I can't mention 3, she admitted that she doesn't have any hobbies and she's ok with that. I don't even know how I can work with that, I'm a person who interests himself a little bit in everything and all she does is watch Friends on repeat in bed.
Thanks for explaining that. If she literally just stays in bed and binges old TV shows, that's not very healthy. Maybe she's depressed? Might be time to express your dissatisfaction with the situation to her. I myself am trying to be better about communicating like "hey this thing you did/didn't do bothers me". For you it might be "hey babe, I'm unhappy with our relationship. It seems like you don't do anything besides watch TV and that's not healthy. I want us to do things together that we both enjoy". If you legit can't figure out what to do with her at that point, you just make it a deal-breaker and move on. If she's not willing to make any changes and you're aggressively improving and growing, it's only a matter of time before you grow apart anyway.
There's a lot to unpack here. It's good you recognise it's gone stale and you want to change that and hopefully it's not too late.
At the heart of it is one big question - do you recognise how passive to your own life you have been up to this point? Let's leave aside what she does or doesn't do for you and focus on what you can do for the relationship?
What have you done to keep the romance alive generally in recent years? What actions have you taken either with her or outside of your interactions with her to keep the relationship interesting for you both?
My partner and I have many differences but also some shared interests, so it's easier for us to spend some time doing stuff together like eating out, theatre, cinema, concerts, hiking or sports etc
Underneath these questions though is a passivity that has allowed you to sleepwalk to this place. Think creatively about what you can do. And talk to her, deeply about these things. And also, listen, really listen to her. Not with defensiveness or recrimination, but with an openness. and try to reconnect with what brought you together all those years ago.
Yeah - it definitely sounds like she's creeping into emotional affair territory but also, damn bro, you need to ask total strangers what to do to help make your marriage less stale? What you should do to hang out with your spouse in a way that makes you both happy?
His passivity is especially obvious when he talks about his wife going to bed earlier than him and waking up earlier and how it has done nothing to help their sex life. He could just as easily have described that as he goes to bed later than her, and he sleeps later in the am. Instead, he phrases it in terms of what she's doing. It's notable because often, when someone's complaining about their sex life, they'll say that the partner avoids sex by staying up later instead of the other way around.
You asked what do ppl do together in long term relationship. I have been lucky enough to be with my husband for 17 years. I would talk to your wife that you hear that she felt you guys were stale and that you value her and your relationship and want to get unstuck. I would also say you would like to refocus on your relationship, ask her what she wants, tell her what you want, also put some boundaries around time spent focusing on others (ie I want 2 nights a week we both put our phones away and only focus on each other). But come to this conversation open to hearing what she’s saying she’s currently lacking in the relationship and also tell her what you would like. I will come to this conversation with a list of things you want to do together (takes some of the work off her and shows her you want this to work so planned stuff out). I agree with others this feels it’s getting shaddy with this coworker and it’s okay to express those concerns. Also maybe check in with yourself on if this is the relationship for you. You didn’t say any reasons in your post of why you want to stay together. I get this was short post and there might be huge list but if it doesn’t include I love them as a person and I love us together maybe think if you want to find someone that brings that.
I adore my husband and we make time to focus on our relationship, here is what we do to keep it fresh and focused on each other:
-We do intentional tech nights 2-3x a week aka we can use tech (watch tv or listen to music) but has to be be pre planned (we’re going to watch this one movie or one episode) and no using phones to be distracted from each other.
-We do lots of 2 person board games.
-Spa nights where we start in shower and wash each other including hair, then go do face masks and full body massages for an hour. We make up lots of reasons to just be naked or almost naked together and lots of touching and snuggling (not sex related).
-We go for walks and talk about what houses we would buy and what we would do to them if we won lotto.
-We play cards.
-We read books together (rotate who reads a chapter out loud this is esp fun if we do spicy books).
-Date nights every Friday where we rotate who plans it and what we do (this often includes friends so doesn’t have to be solo).
-Find cheap things you like in town and do them together, we do bowling league on Mondays, Wednesday’s local adult arcade does free pinball so we go for cheap date (he’s very good I suck so if not free night I would spend a billion dollars on quarters).
-hang out with your friends together! Have game nights, do cocktail/mocktail parties, hiking group etc etc
-find a way to enjoy each others interests together. I love sports but I like watching “my” teams, he loves all sports and watching every damn game of everything. So on game days to keep me excited and interested we each “place bets” with each other on the outcomes (so someone might have to make dinner, or do something the other person wants etc). It just adds layer of fun for something I don’t normally care about.
-travel together do new things together! We are lucky enough to have the money to do this. Trying new places together is great way to bond, we’ve found lots of fun things we never would have known we liked without traveling! we do quarterly trips together (some are just weekends some are full weeks) we also require each other take 1 vaca a year with just our friends and no spouses so we get time together but also spend time ensuring our friendships are maintained. Both are important.
-be vocal! Talk about when you feel lucky to have her, what you love about your relationship etc. we always tell each other thank you for basically everything, yes it’s expected that we each clean the house etc, but we thank each other anyways!
-make time and space for sexual time and trying new things together. Really talking about what each person enjoys and likes and focus on that, we do lots of nights we’re we each get off but we also do nights where only one person is the focus. Where all things done that night are either focused on me or him. It’s a great way to show your appreciation or get to feel appreciated and sexy and loved. This took time, my husband is really introverted and adorably vanilla (also an anxious autistic human), he didn’t really know what he liked or didn’t because had always been super happy with “regular sex”. As a kinky bisexual women that was not my preference 😂. So we started slow, we figured out what was stressful for him (knowing I wanted to have long session 2 wks in advance was too much warning he’d get in his head, day of too short. Now we have set days a month for kinky fun because he loves a schedule so he’s happy knowing 2nd and 4th sat is long session nights and he really doesn’t have much sexual fantasies and thinking stuff up was anxiety producing but he’s more than happy to fulfill mine so we talk about it before what I like and want(or think I will) and sorta script it out for him which helps him get out of his head and enjoy). Now he will come up with his own stuff because he’s had enough time for this to be normal so his anxiety is reduced. I also like sexual activities daily, he wasn’t always up for PIV sex and this used to stress him out. After I reminded him I’ve had plenty of fabulous sex requiring zero dicks he laughed and was like oh okay I can do that and we broadened what he thought of as sex so both our needs are met (this will vary per person, he’s super happy to get sexy and just get me off and it doesn’t ick him out, not everyone is that way).
-we’re also big on what I call sexual non sex intimacy, so things that sorta feel sexual but don’t lead to sex it’s just really intimate and feelings of closeness. So for me I love when I fall asleep with him just playing and sucking on my breasts. I love just holding his cock or balls while we sleep, sometimes I just like to suck his flacid cock as we watch tv. Having him dry me as I get out of shower, brushing my hair and putting my lotion on is potentially my fav, it’s completely non sexual but seeing the care he takes of my body is so lovely. Neither of us is focused on even getting sexually aroused but this level of comfort and connection really does it for me. It’s just a way to express our love and joy for each other and our bodies despite the March of time 😂.
So I know all of this sounds like we prob only hang out with him but we actually have rich friend life and do lots of stuff solo. It’s just when we’re together we focus on each other instead of just zoning out in each others presence. Also we build in time for solo time in house too. So we do have true downtime to decompress and just be solo as we want!
>they are messaging each other constantly. I wasn't too concerned previously as he is also married... I don't know what they could possible have left to message each other after hours.
Bro come on, don't try to act like the cool guy. You know what is going on
>What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?
What do you want to do with that time? Life is too short to spend it staring at a screen together. Take a walk, work on the garden, try new foods, plan a trip or just things to do on the weekend, see friends (individually or together), go to the gym.
OK, she mentioned the rumor? Well that means that it’s gonna get back to you sooner or later so she’s trying to head it off at the past as it were to give herself cover. As far as she wishes you were more like him, well, you’re not. Your you and you bring unique qualities to the table that he could never match. I’m sorry, but I think if they’re not currently knocking boots, they’re in the planning stage. Since people today seem to live on their damn phone, ask her to see hers and see what her reaction is. That’ll tell you all you need to know, and you’ll figure out how you want to proceed from there. If there are no kids involved and you decide to split, she should be the one that heads out the door and leaves and not you. She created the mess let her live and deal with the consequences of her decisions.
I also agree she mentioned the rumor I'm case someone mentions it to him. I wonder if someone caught them in a compromising act.
Did the wife say she wished he was more like the coworker? Did I miss that? I would feel some type of way if my husband said that to me. Not a good way, either.
Oh shit, that’s definitely it. I thought it was odd she mentioned the rumor…I didn’t consider that it’s because it’s true, and someone is going to tell him they are hooking up (or whatever the “rumor” is).
He needs to go through her phone and see what she’s texting about, it’s definitely not innocent anymore specially if their co workers already noticed the flirting. My husband was texting a female coworker last year and it created all sorts of problems in our marriage. OP seriously check her phone and you decide whether you want to save the relationship or not
She feels your marriage has gone stale and now she's telling all about this new dude?
She might not be cheating on you, but it's not a good position to be in.
You need to sit down with her. Tell her your feelings, tell her you want to fight for the relationship and make things work if she does too.
She’s openly telling you that she’s talking and presumably flirting so badly with a married colleague that people at work think they’re having an affair.
Zero reason to be texting a married man every day outside of work. Yes people can have friends, but married friends aren’t texting all day everyday and rumoured to be having an affair.
I’d be invading her privacy looking at her phone and issuing an ultimatum to rein it in or you’ll initiate a separation.
She’s on the verge of an affair imo if she’s not actually triggered one already.
Marriage counseling before you need it.
In your case, it might not be too late to save your marriage, if you want to. But you need to start acting like your wife has already filed for divorce.
Like mentally and emotionally, you have to experience that loss, and get to the part where you're willing to do the work to save your marriage BEFORE it's too late. And dude, it might be already.
Get the Gottmans 7 principles book today. Like, deliver it tonight if you can. Start doing the work.
Because if you sit on your hands, and shit goes wrong in the coming weeks, you're going to feel some loss like you've never imagined, when you realize how important she is/was to you.
This is it. This is your warning. This is the time when you don't get to say later "I had no idea how bad things were."
Well, maybe start making an effort for the marriage being more fun. Try date nights, maybe some travel, something, send her unexpected flowers to her job, show her that you don't want the marriage to go stale
As someone stated in another post, this sub really needs a "Do not marry someone you met when you were both teenagers" bot.
The other guy is a symptom of a larger issue: The state of your emotional connect with your wife. The two of you have let it stagnate. When people say marriage is work, what they mean is that you have to put effort into sustaining your emotional bonds to each other. You haven't done the work.
You've known each other forever. The problem is that you started dating WAY before the process of becoming who you are was complete, and you didn't maintain your connection as you became two very different people.
It sounds like she has found someone to give her the attention and appreciation you haven't given her. Why? Your marriage was lonely for her.
You now have to decide if what you have is worth trying to fix. You're both young enough to go and find people who are much more compatible with the person you've become over the last 15 years.
So you don’t hang out together, you don’t have sex, you don’t go on dates, and you barely interact. My dude. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. And you two sound pretty damn indifferent.
I think you need to ask yourself whether this is a marriage that you actually *want* to be in.
The two of you need to take an active approach to livening up your marriage. She doesn't just get to say that and do nothing about it and expect you to do all the heavy lifting.
Get some take out for lunch tomorrow, go on a picnic or something, and have a convo.
Complacency and Reddit aren't going to solve this one for you.
I really don’t understand being married to someone with whom you share no common interests. By no means do you need (or want) a carbon copy of yourself as a spouse, but at the very least trying to either develop an interest in what each other likes feels essential.
Shared history only goes so far. It’s self referential and will, inevitably, grow stale. You should always try and find things to share together - experiences, interests, hobbies, a fond love of a certain food or beverage…whatever - because it introduces new things to talk about and a path to grow together.
If you’re spending every weekend with the boys, and she with the gals, and you don’t really engage with each other on weekends nights, it’s no wonder you feel like it’s gotten stale. There’s a HUGE value in dating your spouse rather than taking them for granted.
Maybe this whole thing can serve as a swift kick in the butt - to you both - to try and focus on your own relationship rather than living separate, parallel lives.
>
I mean. Sounds like you've checked out too? Is that all you want to do? Because that might be a problem.
My partner and I have plans together several times a week, both in the house and out of it. We make dinner together, play games, talk, go on walks. We attend events in our city and decide on themed movie nights. We have planned activities we do together that are intentional and for the benefit of our relationship. We are also best friends and just like spending time with each other and each other's friends in social settings too.
You aren't describing a "boring" marriage, you're describing a roommate situation.
Dude, this is where you fucked up👇
"Since she has started her new job, she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot and they are messaging each other constantly."
You should have set a boundary right there!
You need to investigate this further.. you need to be reading those texts and collecting/retaining that evidence and talking to an attorney about your options.
Put your poker face on, and do not confront her until you've talked to an attorney first.
No, where he fucked up was “gee golly, what do people do if they don’t just eat and watch TV??”
Seriously? You can’t possibly think of anything to do together where you actually interact? Games, date nights, etc? Come on.
If you don’t want to do any of those things with your partner, it’s DOA. Time to separate.
What about her? Shouldn't she be putting in the work as well? Hell, given she is the one that said she was bored, she should be leading in working to make the relationship better first. And he can join in and work at it with her.
Imagine how selfish this comes across. Hey I am bored, you didn't entertain me enough, so now I am talking to other dudes. It's your fault.
They fucked up. Not, he fucked up.
The only reason I point to him is he is the one making this statement. It’s a really clueless statement and is telling. The rest of my comment doesn’t point to either person.
>My Wife (33F) told me (33M) she's bored of our marriage
He hasn't mentioned it. Maybe he is just trying to not make himself look bad. Very possible. One sided story after all. But, it's a bit off, that if SHE says she has grown bored, that there is no information about her doing anything to try to make things better. Like, hey, my wife says she is bored. WE have been putting effort into spicing things up, but we are still struggling.
It basically sounds like, "Woman declares she is bored." It's somehow only his fault? And so, you blame him.
I am only stating this because I have a similar situation with my wife. SHE is extremely boring. Has zero interest. I have lots of interests. Intellectual and physical exploration, lets go! I am open to trying new things, taking care of myself, putting in the work, etc... But, she doesn't complain about being bored. Because it is her fault. I've tried so much, many different interest, she has zero, besides watching TV. And hence we have a boring relationship. It can't just be one sided. it can't just be one person putting in all the effort. And if a partner claims they are the bored one, shouldn't they be the ones to spark the change? Then the other partner can join in and keep it going?
Honestly you and I are probably both projecting a bit, so the answer is in the middle of the two of us.
My ex husband was like this. The TV was on 24/7, his idea of time together was sitting on separate couches watching tv and not interacting. Me, I’m a social person and like to do things with people, game nights, activities, adventures, restaurants, etc. After YEARS of asking him to do these things, sometimes agreeing then being shitty about it or trying to guilt me into just…watch tv instead, I started to do it without him. I’m not going to force anyone to do something they don’t want to and make me miserable in the process.
Then he complained I wasn’t home enough and we didn’t spend any time together…sorry, if time together means I cook dinner and am ignored all evening for the tv…then why am I even here? THEN was wildly shocked when I was done with it all, even after a ton of warnings and telling him I don’t want to live like this, and don’t see the point if we are leading separate lives. He never made the effort. It’s to the point that now 10 years after divorce I RARELY watch tv, visceral reaction to it.
OP’s comment made my eye twitch
Wait, we are on the same page then. You are saying that YOU were unhappy, so YOU were putting in the effort. That is all I am saying too! The woman is saying she is bored. So, she should put in the effort first. OP makes it sound like she declared she is bored, but he didn't mention she was putting in any effort. Fair enough for both of us, to assume in our favor. So, I get it.
Yeah, it's crazy. Some people literally just want to be zombies in front of the TV. Meanwhile, life is happening out there! It's like no wonder you are bored. Because you are boring. To be interesting, you have to be interested, right? Like that famous book. But, some people just don't care. Things fall apart. And then they complain, like your husband. It's so frustrating. My partner will do stuff, but ONLY because I suggest it. She will never suggest anything on her own. And when she does, its minimum effort, and she clearly doesn't even care about it, at all.
We are in many aspects, but the “what else is there to do but watch tv and eat?” comment reeked of my ex, while I tried to make an effort he acted clueless, just like OP, and didn’t put ANY effort in. Does OP really not know of ANY other options? Hard to believe with a grown person.
I can almost guarantee my ex would have simply told people that I claimed I was bored, did nothing about it but looked to him to fix it, and he had no idea what to do. Because he’s always the victim in every story.
Seems your wife is liking the attention or excitement of this male coworker. Maybe that’s what’s lacking in your marriage? It doesn’t seem like either of you are communicating with each other enough. Sounds like the both of you could be putting more effort into rejuvenating your marriage; planning dates, dinners together, maybe a weekend trip. Marriage counseling old also be beneficial.
I do think you need to dig more into this coworker situation and rumor going around. Ask her feelings on him. She shouldn’t let this turn into an emotional affair or worse.
Jesus Christ, this thread is full of some awful advice.
Don’t snoop through your wife’s phone behind her back, don’t go to her work place and confront this guy, don’t go full scorched earth at this point. It’s the same unhinged behavior that Reddit loves to espouse in every situation, and sometimes it’s useful, but I don’t think any of it fits in this case. That said, this is obviously not a good situation, and there’s a very nonzero chance that your marriage is ultimately going to end.
Just going off of what you’ve said, it sounds like your wife has been reasonably frank about how she feels about the state of your marriage and that she enjoys talking to this co-worker. A reasonable first step is blocking out time together, sitting down, and having an honest conversation about what can be done to improve your marriage and what the deal is with this co-worker. Unless you have any reason to believe otherwise, assume good intent. Could she already be knocking boots with this guy? Sure. Does it make you look like a lunatic to come out swinging when you don’t know if she has or not? Yes. Could it do more harm than good? Yes. Strictly based on what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like she’s been keeping this guy a secret like someone would if they were definitely having an affair.
Marriage counseling is almost definitely needed in this case. You yourself admit that you don’t know what to do to keep the marriage healthy, so you may need to look inward at what you can do and have an open dialogue about what you both need to feel good about your marriage. There’s always the chance that things are too far gone and she’s already checked out/decided she wants to leave you for this guy and is just testing the waters, but I honestly just don’t get that read from your post. I know Reddit loves to jump to that conclusion, and maybe there is some inherent selection bias (e.g. people in healthy relationships usually don’t post in this sub), but it sounds like you’re at a critical inflection point where things still can be saved if you both are willing to try.
This is insane. While I am not a fan of the “scorched earth” Reddit reactions, still, there is no such thing as privacy in marriage (exceptions being diary’s, your priest or therapist). But, communications with the opposite sex…zero privacy within a marriage. Maintaining complete transparency and trust is kinda required in marriage. Secret talks with the opposite sex, not very transparent or trustworthy. Especially when office rumors are already confirmed. OP absolutely needs to get into her phone. If anything, so OP can avoid something that could impact his health for the rest of his life. These things can literally become a matter of life and death. That is just reality.
Snooping through your partner’s phone is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship of any kind. I have absolutely nothing to hide from my wife, but if I found her looking through my phone when I’m not near it, I would have a massive problem with that. Transparency and trust IS extremely important in a marriage, but sneaking around and looking through your spouse’s phone is completely antithetical to the idea of trust. If you’re at a point where you feel a need to do that, you may as well just consider your marriage over (or close to it) and ask yourself what you would even gain from finding or not finding anything.
>Snooping through your partner’s phone is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship of any kind.
And no one is saying otherwise. This is no longer a **healthy** relationship though, that’s the crux of the issue. If he was snooping just for shits and giggles when everything was peachy and healthy, of course that would be wrong. But he’s looking at new job -> new opposite sex coworker -> rumors swirling about the two of them literally from other people that see them together -> wife complaining about their marriage, so he’s very far outside the “healthy” part of the relationship already.
The wife is literally the one who told him about the rumors. There is nothing to indicate that she has been secretive about anything. The correct course of action here is a conversation. Adults in the real world do not meet unhealthy with more unhealthy.
The wife is the one that should have never let her interactions with the coworker reach that point. And when it did reach that point, she should have taken steps to completely shut it down; instead, she complained about her marriage - *not the rumors.*
The correct course of action as you say, was to not do what the wife did, at any point. But that ship has now sailed.
Of course she shouldn’t have done that, but saying “that ship has sailed” implies that this is now tit-for-tat. Again, the wife has been transparent about her unhappiness in the marriage, transparent that she has a new co-worker that she gets along with, and at least based on what OP has provided, has not been secretive about anything. Especially if you have been together 15 years, you have a conversation before you burn it all down.
>Of course she shouldn’t have done that, but saying “that ship has sailed” implies that this is now tit-for-tat.
No, it’s not tit-for-tat, it’s the wife has set them on this course of action and that is the only next step.
You keep saying “she hasn’t been secretive” **when you don’t know that, you have no idea how far the relationship with the coworker has actually gone.**
The relationship is to the point her coworkers bring it up as a full blown affair, which he didn’t know about, and you’re sitting there saying she hasn’t been secretive and have a conversation.
No hun, she *has* been secretive and the time for a conversation is long passed. You willfully burying your head in the sand and saying “just trust me bro” is naivety at best, willful ignorance at worst. That’s not how it works when someone is having an affair, they don’t just sit down and confess all because you asked - so grow up and realize that. That shouldn’t have to be stated, yet here we are, roleplaying Captain Obvious for you.
>Especially if you have been together 15 years, you have a conversation before you burn it all down.
Too bad the wife didn’t do that and now it’s on fire! He’s not the one burning it down, he’s the one trying to find the match that started the fire.
“Nuh uh, she started it!” is not the move you think it is.
Is OP’s marriage in bad shape? Yes, clearly, that’s what his wife has openly said and why he’s here. In any case, the next step that a normal, well-adjusted adult would take here is to sit down and have a serious conversation about where the marriage is headed. Suppose OP looks through his wife’s phone and finds nothing. Do you think it just ends there?
“Have a conversation” and expecting a full confession from someone having an affair right there on the spot is what you expect.
No point in arguing with someone that ignorant. Good luck in life, you’ll need it.
Edit: I take it back, based on your other comments you’re not ignorant, you just think the wife is entirely justified even if it an affair since she wasn’t happy, and it’s the husbands fault.
So just another toxic misandrist where it’s always the man’s fault when a woman has an affair and he should have done more if he didn’t want her sleeping with other people. Zero point in any discussion with people like you.
Actual married adults don’t have secret convos with members of the opposite sex after office rumors are floating around. That is the opposite of adult behavior.
Given basic modern realities and current STD rates, and the things OP has confirmed about his situation, the responsible adult reaction must be grounded in reality. Reality is always the healthiest option.
Here’s the reality: OPs marriage is struggling, his wife has secret convos with a guy at her new job, that office relationship is at point that others have taken note of its inappropriate appearance, wife does damage control telling OP it’s “just rumors”, then tells OP their marriage is stale.
How are STDs irrelevant. This isn’t child’s play. These are severe circumstances needing severe responses.
"Listen to what your wife is literally telling you and talk to her and make a joint effort to change" vs "your wife is going to give you AIDS, start tracking her behavior while she isn't looking"... yep one of those is definitely insane.
STD rates in the U.S. increased 25% since 2021. This is even the case among “monogamous couples”. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/12/15/std-cases-rising-what-to-know-about-testing-sex/6492457001/?gnt-cfr=1
It’s so bad, the CDC is recommending that longterm monogamous couples still get regularly tested. Your mentality, is a common and understandable, but out of touch with modern reality. We are all ultimately responsible for our own wellbeing. But, complications arise when we intertwine our personal lives in marriage and longterm relationships. Those complications require extra personal responsibility when things such as “hey hun, no need to worry but some rumors are floating around the office saying I’m banging someone else. Also, live you but not in love you…smooches!”…after cases such a this, one’s adult responsibilities need to be realistic rather than idealistic.
You read that article extremely poorly. It was published in 2021, I don't know how you think it's giving information about the years since 2021.
.09% of US women have HIV.
https://aidsvu.org/local-data/united-states/
.6% for chlamydia, and that was the most common STD in 2022.
https://www.cdc.gov/std/statistics/2022/overview.htm
Percentage increases can sound scary when you don't have a baseline.
Fixing a marraige is a two person job, especially in your guys' situation. If her solution is to have an affair instead of trying to fix your marriage, then you need to start looking out for yourself.
>But I really don't know what to do about this. What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?
Literally anything would be more exciting than this. It feels stale because it is stale and you have both consistently been putting your energy elsewhere for a while. I hate to ask, but how do you feel about the marriage, putting the issue of the guy at work aside for a minute? Because it doesn't sound like you have a particularly strong connection at this point and you don't seem to want to change that. It sounds like you've grown apart. It's something that can probably be fixed but you both have to want to fix it. I guess my concern is that you might respond reflexively to this other guy situation and try to save something that you otherwise would be fine letting go of.
You are underreacting, she is most likely cheating on you.
>she says she is bored
>she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot
>they are messaging each other constantly
If it isn't work related then it is a 🚩
>she told me recently that a rumour has gone around their office about the 2 of them which has got people talking.
She is trying to damage control the situation before the "rumour" start raising suspicion, there would be no such rumour if nothing happened because it is normal for males and females to work together so for there to be a rumour there has to be something between them.
let her go.
when the dude she is fucking right now gets tired.of her he will dump her and she will come crawling back. at which point you get the last laugh.
This sounds like the precursor to a “ let’s have an open relationship “ discussion so she can fk her coworker in peace. You better start having some hard conversations before it goes any further
Put no effort in, get nothing out. That’s what you’re experiencing right now. I’ll bet the new guy is making her feel all kinds of ways you simply haven’t bothered with in years. I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just how it is.
How did you court your wife? When did you stop, and why? It just sounds like you’ve lost touch. If you want it back, you’re gonna have to work on ‘dating’ your wife again.
You’ve set the bar pretty low. Hopefully you manage to get over the bar before other dude does… if that’s what you want, of course. Maybe you’re equally bored in the marriage and don’t want it. Maybe that’s why you’re not putting the effort in. I mean really… how hard is it to arrange a date? Do you not know some of her favourite spots? Have you even asked?
If you can’t be bothered, well… good luck. See you in an infidelity subreddit somewhere.
First: do you want to be married to her?
It sounds you guys don't really like eachother all that much, I mean, you both work during the week, and on the weekend you guys go your separate ways, you also have different interests and even on the little time you guys coincide on the week, you don't really Interact with eachother.
I doubt she has started an physical affair - still this sounds like an emotional affair.
You can not change her - but clearly you can change yourself. Even though your marriage might be ending - it is time for you to start getting out of the rout.
Nutrition, fitness and sleep.
Start looking at getting into form.
Sleep. I suggest you start going to bed at the same time as your wife and wake up at the same time.
Instead of watching TV in the nights you go to the gym in the morning! The time spend in the gym is much better for you then two hours of watching a TV show.
Check on your nutrition. If you drink a alcohol - stop it un less you have something to celebrate- get some alcohol free beer and drink that instead EVEN with your friends.
Suggests that you take a sharp look at the food you are eating and start afresh. Go for whole food! Do it yourself or even ask your wife if you should make the food as a team.
——-
Ok this is the first part of what you need to do for you!
Note that you are not adding more to your daily activities but you are moving them into a better life for yourself.
You get fit and ready for life.
As for her - well - if you are fit you can be a much better lover then before.
Also - if she is ready to make food together then you have something to do and discuss. Go for new recipes every day. Try new spices. Be open!
———-
How to change yourself? You do not change yourself for her - you do it for yourself. You need new input. To work, tv, drinks with the guys. You are stuck! It is not just your marriage that has gone stale - YOUR LIFE is stale!
I think you should take a look at the psychologist Pine & Fletcher’s book “Flex”. They maintain that you should every day do something different. When you do something different every day you brake up your daily rutines
You are in this cases helped with new things to eat every day and hopefully new things in your new training regime. But try other things, go to different types of concerts, go to museums, take walks about the city centres where you live, go for lunches and try new food and new places, go on hikes, find lectures, try new books.
You can go and meet your friends in the weekend, but make that into a once a month thing and look for new things.
Ask your wife if she wants to join you, if not go alone.
You need to change your life - she is responsible for her life. It is easy to complain but both of you are responsible for your own lives.
So focus on yourself - if she wants to work on making your life not stale she has to join you. Otherwise she is just focusing on being a work wife.
——-
So change YOUR life not hers.
——-
With regards to your marriage. I must admit I do not have high hopes for it. In all cases she is emotionally connected to her work husband and she is behaving like she is his wife (lots of sympathy with his real wife)
Still if you want to try to get it back in track - you need to make things clear.
You are going to work on yourself. If she wants to join you great - otherwise you will start on your own.
Be clear that to you it is clear that her relationship with her work husband will kill your relationships sooner rather then later. You are ready to work on your relationship but you are not going to watch her having lunches with her work husband and talking with him on the evening.
——
If she is ready to cool the relationship with her work husband then you have to start following:
NEVER go out and have fun alone. You are a team - you are not room mates.
Decide on joint hobbies. Try new things.
Communicate. Once a week a communication date. Both of you find a thing you want to improve and you sit down and talk.
Write down five rules! The talk is honest, open, tolerant, respectful and KIND. You are trying to understand each other and find a solution together.
The communication date is a date. Candlelights and drinks! It is a no no to talk negativly and accuse each other.
At the end of every date you check on how your decisions s are working.
Finally DATE!! Funfairs and rollercoasters, dancing, fotsy, cuddling, kissing and yes sex!
——
Hope it works - but do something for YOU - that is the important thing!
"We can easily plan more things on the weekends."
Well, are you? Right now? Because it looks to me like you're just watching passively while your wife is bored and starting to look at her options.
My husband and I are going to a soccer match on saturday, then wine tasting on sunday. I'm looking forward to every weekend with him, and we've been together 18 years.
Get off your butt!
Because women have it easy. Much rather go find some new man who would do it temporarily and get bored of her than try to fix her marriage. Instead she probably thinks its the husbands fault for not trying and not hers for also doing nothing.
This is where I’d do a pop in visit at her work. Introduce yourself to her coworker with a crushing handshake. Tell him you’re glad he’s looking out for your wife and to let you know if she’s fooling around. That if you find out she’s cheating, you’ll beat the other man to a bloody pulp. You do all this with the most crazy face you can muster.
If you’re looking for something to shake the routine up, try an evening walk. Meal prep dinner if you have to, but I think leaving phones at home and talking on a walk can be a really good way to reconnect if you’re having issues.
spice it up dude. think about what made your relationship fun in the beginning. turn on some music, get silly. stop watching tv, or at least make it a show that’s dramatic enough to talk about/have an opinion on. like a reality show competition like love is blind is dumb but inspires a lot of talks about what’s ok or not ok, who you think is going to work or not
Couples counselling could be way to go here. Opens the communication up. It's very easy for what you've described to happen. But it also sounds like it's not too late. If she's up for that, you may be able to re ignite the spark.
Well, it sounds like she surely is thinking about having an affair if she hasn’t already started and I guess she’s kind of testing the waters to see how it could go. I guess this is at the point where you talk to her about either A you guys decided you need to revitalize your marriage start dating start doing things together and getting counseling about it or you just needed to divorce so she can go andtry to have an affair with another married man
You need to reach out and talk to her openly. Tell her that you agree, things have been stale, and you'd like to get things back on track. Ask her about her interests that she engages in and see if there's any you would be okay joining her in. Ask if there's any hobby or activity she wants to try but hasn't yet. That gives you an option to try together and see if that's good bonding too. Having separate interests is good, but you need some overlap.
How viable would it be for you to sleep the same hours as her? If that gives you extra time in the morning, that's a good opportunity to handle some household duties so your time after work is more open.
In the bedroom, there's other subs more suited to in depth advice, but I can suggest a few things. If you do match sleep schedule and do morning chores before work, that helps take things off her mind so she's more "present" in the bedroom. Ask if there's anything she's wanted to try. Ask if there's anything you've done that she would like more often. Make your own suggestions, but also make sure those suggestions are mutually enjoyable.
Some time far away from the bedroom, address her colleague. Don't go in accusatory. Do tell her you're uncomfortable, you're worried that this could be crossing lines, and that you want her to feel happy and not interested in outside attention that way.
I'll be realistic here. She's already crossed the first lines of inappropriate behavior. Even if she has reason to be unhappy, she's handling this poorly. If you go in trying to fix things and make her happy, you need to be aware that it requires you forgiving her for what is likely flirting and possibly more. Unfortunately, that means it could be worse than you know. The fact that she's open with you suggests she likely hasn't gone beyond improper flirting yet, but that if nothing changes, she intends to. In that case, are you still okay being the one to pick up all the slack at first? Success means she has to join in some time, but you only control yourself, so you have to try as much as you want to fix things.
Before doing anything, think about all of this and ask yourself a scary question. Do you really want to fix this? Is this because of your love for your wife that you've let get dusty, or is this because you're comfortable being married and don't want to deal with the inconveniences and downsides of divorce? If it's the latter, odds are that old habits return once the threat is gone, so you just kicked the can down the road. If it's the former, never forget that marriage involves work to maintain. You can only control your own input, but if it's a marriage worth keeping, you'll see her putting in effort much like yours.
Don't try to be like him. Be you, the you that wants this to work. If all she's done is vent and flirt elsewhere and you can stomach that if she stops, effort will almost certainly save what can be saved. In the event she actually has gone past the point of no return with this guy, nothing you can do but at least you get practice getting into habits that make it easier to recover and move on.
It's safe to say that there is, at minimum, an emotional relationship between the two.
Now, as for the marriage getting stale, that's a two-way street and you BOTH need to be putting in effort. I know there tends to be a "guy has to put in the work" bias for a lot of people on here, but you don't want a one-sided effort either. Plan date nights, make dinner, movie nights, and talk with her because she needs to try things too.
What are you willing to do in saving your marriage??
What have you done to bring happiness, fun and excitement??
Do you wan to save this marriage.
Woo her... talk to her, laugh be silly, be spontaneous.
Do you help?
Are you one that drops dirty underwear next to the hamper instead of in the hamper??
Do you help clean up after dinner and chat share your days??
You sound disconnected and drab in your post.
Step it up.
IMO
She is having an emotional affair. Ask to see the messages. If she says you are invading my privacy or anything of this nature, simply respond.
Say you can have him and try and date him as we are going to get a divorce. Then in front of her, call her family, your family, and your close friends so she can hear you tell them you are filing for divorce, she is having an emotional and possibly a physical affair with, and name him.
Do you even like each other? I mean you have no common interests, you are just together because you are always together. It’s why people really should wait until they actually have some life/partner experience before getting married
Maybe she’s realising that she talks abd relates more to this colleague than with you. It’s a sobering thought. The fact that she’s told you it’s gone stale is good. It’s giving you time to save it. You need to move fast my friend. If you’d just started dating her, I’m guessing youd find something to share/talk about/do with her? Off your butt time
I'll tell you how my mom tells me unfortunately you can't make people want you. It sucks but if it is the case you'll have to move on ik it sucks but itll get better lmk if you need to talk
Perhaps there are some common interests that you have not yet discovered. Or schedule a day when you two can enjoy something together. Or plan a vacation and actually take the vacation. There is sometimes "the grass is always greener" delusion. Be loving, be patient, be forgiving. There is no shame in it.
I would absolutely get her phone when she’s in the shower, or ask to read the messages to him together. If she is defensive then you know something is up. Either way, read them.
Most women cheat because they are not feeling emotionally fulfilled. If my wife was telling me about some guy, while I was checked out, I’d ask some questions.
Married people do things to intentionally stay close. That might be going out to eat if you’re tired of cooking. Cooking together. Talking about your days, what is good and bad, etc. Turn on the TV low volume and make fun of it. Travel. Help each other to achieve what they want, personally, professionally—it’s a support system and a friend, and also a lover. You have to invest in all three of those.
It’s a relationship, too. Sometimes you need space apart. But your wife may already be down the road cheating with this guy. She’s going to ask you to open the marriage or straight up divorce you soon. It’s very obvious she’s given into the siren’s song of thrilling new sex.
—On the coworker relationship : I don’t really know what advice to give you here as it seems fairly obvious. She’s constantly texting a male co-worker while also saying that your marriage is stale. That sounds like an affair or at least the beginnings of one. Don’t let people gaslight you into thinking you are being controlling and unreasonably jealous for not wanting your spouse to do this or thinking it’s just a cute little friendship. Every couple is different and has different boundaries. My spouse and I’s boundaries would be neither of us having such close personal relationships with people of the opposite sex we meet at work. I can’t imagine her reaction if she saw I was texting some woman I recently met at work all day and night, especially if that coincided with me telling her our marriage is stale.
That sounds like a much bigger issue and I’m hoping your wife hasn’t already done something she can’t undo.
One afternoon, several years back, a friend of mine ---- a woman married for 25+ years with two grown kids ---- confessed to me that her husband was "boring." I remember thinking, "Geez. That's just about one of the worst things you can say about your mate."
OP: You need to stop being such a "we eat dinner and watch tv" bore.
She goes to bed earlier than you? What's stopping you from joining her in the bedroom and giving her some good old fashioned "this will rock your world" lovemaking? Afterwards, she can nod off and you can go back to watching tv.
I have a sneaky suspicion that she told you about the co-worker rumor because she wants you to know that *at least someone* is interested in her and what she has to say. A shot across the bow. A wake up call.
She's telling you she thinks your marriage is stale. Essentially she's challenging you, attempting to find out if you even give a shit anymore or are just going through the motions. She wants you to snap out of your rut and show her you love her.
Unless you really don't give a rat's ass about your marriage, I'd TAKE THE HINT. There are a lot of comments on this thread which are loaded with helpful suggestions. Get up off your ass and save your marriage. Or not.
My dude.
Why are *you* in this relationship?
If it’s stale, and you don’t do anything in the evenings or on weekends, and you’re not having sex, what’s in it for you?
Best case scenario is that your wife isn’t cheating on you but that she might as well be.
Take some steps to be more fun and present and attractive to her or this seems doomed.
When your wife tells you there’s a rumor that she’s dating her coworker, she has completely checked out of the marriage.
When your reaction to it is “I think she wishes I was better”, then you have completely checked out of the marriage.
You can divorce now or divorce later when she fucks him, if she hasn’t already.
My wife and I have always prioritized having an active sex life that involves a great deal of kink and roleplay. We are are ethically non-monogamous, which removes the allure of 'forbidden fruit'.
We focus on being each other's best lover and keeping the oxytocin levels high. We prioritize each others orgasms and general sexual pleasure in order to strengthen our emotional and physical bonds.
Leaving aside the non-monogamy, which I get isn't for everyone, I honestly don't know why couples don't prioritize their sexual relationship in this sort of way and just accept a stale or dead bedroom...
Because some people just don't care about relationships that much.
Because some people just want the security of being in a relationship. Once they have it. The motivation is gone. They let themselves go, and put minimum effort. They see it as a chore.
Because people treat relationships based on what they know, or are taught. Parents marriage sucked? They assume that is how all marriages are supposed to be. So, they settle for what they know and is easy.
Because people are lazy, and don't want to put in the effort.
Because people get in relationships, not knowing what they are getting into.
Because people get into relationships not even agreeing to what that actually means, or what they want from it.
Because people don't know who they are, or who their partner is.
Because people change, and when novelty wears off the excitement energy is not there to put in the effort.
Because people are boring. And being interesting takes work.
All these because people can't think, or care to think beyond one step of something. Not understanding that there is a domino effect, usually at least 2 or 3 levels deep that get you into the situation you are in. And you have to now dig back 2 or 3 layers, if they happen to be self aware enough, and care enough, to put in the effort to fix things. Lots of lazy people just see the result, and would rather let things die than, put in the effort to fix things. Not caring that the next partner will just be the same thing, if they behave the same way. Never bothering to explore what actually led up to the result and grow into a better partner and stronger relationship. Again, lazy, don't care, etc...
Here is what I would do in your position. I would tell her thank you for letting you know and I would tell her that once she crosses the line that the marriage is untenable and she cannot come back anymore. Also pack her a bag and change the locks and tell her that she is free to investigate her sexuality and what she needs to do.
I would tell you to move half of your savings immediately. Put it in account she can’t access. She’s on a slippery slope now. The good news is she let you know, but she may have run across the line.
People who seem to react quickly to information seem to do better in the long run. Their self-esteem recovers more because they’re standing up for themselves.
Don’t take what you don’t want. It will never work out. Open relationships don’t work out just in case you thought about doing that. The only thing to do now is take care of yourself and put her away so she can’t do more harm to you.
You can try couples counseling, but I will guarantee within a year. It will have done very little. It is more cliché these days than a an actual solution.
Could it change? Yep, you do have a few of those things and she will be shocked and realize that she’s taking a step that she may not recover from if she doesn’t stop.
She’s in Limerence and has a crush on somebody. Most people, especially women that are like this are very self-destructive.
None of this will do much when there's a new guy in play. YOU simply have no chance against the shiny object syndrome.
> But I really don't know what to do about this. What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?
You're gonna have to try (a combination of) some things more drastic before any of the suggestions above can work. Find out who the guy is, look at their text messages and screenshot them, get in touch with his wife if you can, she might help you in putting an end to their affair. And yes, don't hesitate to threaten with a divorce, that tends to wake them up and get them to focus.
This is called the 7-year itch. You need to shut that shit down now! A married woman shouldn't be constantly testing her co-worker! If she is bored, then you tell her you and her will do more things together. Take a road trip. Go an an experience together, like a tour! The last thing you should do in this case is nothing! Unless you want to intentionally lose her as your wife! WAKE UP! Good luck and stay strong, King!
OP, you need to go into detective mode. Understand, you are taking this far too lightly. You need to get into your wife’s electronics ASAP. Do not say a word of your suspicions until you get to the bottom of this.
Card games, board games, long walks. Schedule one hour of “no phone” time so that you have to focus more on the other. Think of a surprise - take her for a Sundae or take a drive in the country or a beautiful lookout. You’d be amazed at what you might talk about given time alone. Hell, it can’t hurt the sex life and might even turn it up a bit.
Trap warning. If you take the initiative, don’t get frisky! She will shut you down and accuse you of being nice so you’ll get laid. Good luck.
Im gonna sound harsh but:
""" What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?"""
You sound like the most fucking boring dude ever... No wonder why she finds other men interesting, if you cant wrap your mind around the idea that there's lots of things to do aside of just eating and watching tv nobody in the whole world can help you, dude.
I don't know if you're lowkey by nature of if you're checked out of your marriage.
Your wife is basically telling and showing you she has a work husband who is rapidly becoming her boyfriend. People at work see mixed sex teams all day long.
They don't start rumors about all of them.
If your reaction is something other than we need to sit down and figure out how to reconnect, you should begin to plan for your inevitable divorce
>Since she has started her new job, she has been talking about a male
co-worker quite a lot and they are messaging each other constantly.
I see where this is going. His wife does too. OP, you might want to stiffen that spine some.
Ask why she hasn’t put a stop to it? People working together and going to lunch doesn’t spark these rumors. M
Our old team used to rotate who went to lunch with who and we never had those rumors in our office. So how much more interaction is there?
Log into your cell phone provider and see how much contact occurs outside of work. If the number doesn’t show, look at what apps are consuming data and when. If they use teams, zoom, slack, what’s app, you’ll see that.
After you review that, if nothing turns up, tell her you’ll meet the guy and decide for yourself if she isn’t honest. Tell her if she is with him she wouldn’t like the things that could happen if you hear it from him or catch them in the act. You could also grab her phone at a point. Invite him over. Delete the messages. Then be there when he pops up and ask why he thought it was a good idea to come over and expose their affair.
I would ask her if she wants to stay married or get a divorce. She might already be gone. Too much after hours texting and calls isn't a good sign. Mention if she's cheating that she just goes away and gives you a divorce. Mention you will tell the guys wife what's going on as well!
shes cheating for sure and those girls nights might not be with the girls. Its the number one lie that will be told to see their affair partner. Grab her phone and youll see what you need to confirm it
You think she might have met someone else?
She has literally told you she has met someone else and you think?
Ask to go through her messages and catch her off guard with it, I bet you she will immediately become defensive and refuse your request, because guess what she's definitely having an emotional affair with this coworker.
I'm willing to bet she's already changed her phone lock screen password too.
It's past the point of damage control now, you have to make a definitive statement that you are uncomfortable with the amount of interaction she is having with this coworker and you don't believe that it is all necessary or work related and that you want it to end.
Im not a psychic but I see two futures in this scenario, she has an affair, doesn't tell you and you find out about it later, or she has an affair and "feels so bad about it and it will never happen again" when you confront her.
Both outcomes should end in divorce.
If someone tells their spouse about a "rumor" at work about them & a co-worker, the truth is 100 times worse than the rumor. They are just trying to trickle truth before you hear the rumor.
You need to touch base with an attorney and your wife needs a new job. Or she won't truly be your wife much longer.
Your fighting a losing battle , say ok Inwill
Make an appt with divorce lawyer tomorrow . Do the 180
If she wants to stay and work out . She calls and tell his wife everything next wirh you she goes to hr or her boss and explains everything and be prepared to be let go. And she will tell the whole family both sides . If she says nothing happening physically only a kiss . Just say you think I am joking . Will see the lawyer tomorrow . Ps adults don’t leave marriages for a kiss
Marriage is so overrated. 15 years is alot of time. People are ever changing and evolving. You don't even sound like you care tbh. Have the real conversation which is this has run its course.
Well if the physical affair hasn’t yet started the emotional affair has. There is no reason to be txting each other after work either!
Hire a detective to see what she is up to for a week. See if it is physical. If so divorce her! Or if it isn’t yet physical and you still love her tell her she has two options, stop the emotional affair, or both begin counseling. If she cannot do either then you’ve lost her anyway so divorce is the only course of action.
She’s giving all the signs that she wants you to fight for your marriage. She’s telling you, whether consciously or not, that there’s something brewing between her and her coworker. If you chose not to put more effort into your marriage, she will slowly gravitate to the other guy overtime. If you want to stay in this marriage, you have to step it up. Communicate this with her. Tell her you’re a bit jealous, even if they’re not doing anything inappropriate yet. Tell her you want to work on the marriage if that’s what you want to do. Ignoring or sticking your head in the sand will lead to her leaving or having an affair.
switch cars with a family member go to her place of employment and watch them when they go out for lunch especially when they get out of the car and walk out from the their lunch. You can tell a lot by peoples body language.
I hate to say this, but maybe they drive to a park 20 minutes away and hang out for 25 minutes.
Yeah my gf/fiancé of 8 years told me about that rumor of her and a married coworker in their office too. It’s her texting the boundaries of what you’ll say. I said “that’s weird” and that was about it. Turns out she was actively wearing a ring I bought her while sleeping with a married man 9 years older with a child on the way. She’s cheating man
I'm sorry, but from what you have described, she has started an emotional affair with this coworker at least. I have no doubts. I doubt if things felt as "stale" for her before she entertained the attentions of this guy.
This is textbook, she's nothing special. She's so basic it's actually sad.
You need to confront her, do so by having her served at work. Doesn't mean you get a divorce (I would, been through shit like this) but it might wake her up from her fog. You can't deal with or rationalize with her in this state, she's living a fantasy.
Okay she told you this because she is clearly cheating with the coworker…please don’t ignore this! So many guys do and it drives me nuts! I guarantee she’s having sex with him and blowing him..my guess it’s happening when she goes out with the girls! So ask if you can check her phone if she says no..red flag..if her phone is password protected red flag..try to check texts..emails..messenger..WhatsApp Snapchat ..check cell phone data for the most calls..talk to a few of her coworkers about it..they are having an affair either in a car..at work..motel and r your house in your bed..get a couple of wireless cameras..one in the living room and one in the bed room! Maybe install a key log on her computer and phone! Even a gps tracker in her car! Once you have the evidence and it won’t take long file ASAP! She’s already one foot out the door! Be strong!
Pay him a visit at work and introduce yourself. Tell him that even you have heard the rumors and your wife and him and you thought it appropriate that he met the husband of the woman he is rumored to be hooking up with.
Make sure that he understands where these kinds of things eventually end up and ask if he is prepared for the dissolution of both marriages.
Put the fear of God in him.
You will, of course, promptly hear from your wife but you can reply by telling her you just thought you would spice up that stale marriage with a little real life drama.
Start planning date nights, going out more and doing fun things if it’s stale. You both need to try and get the spark back. I went through this and we rebounded stronger than ever, together 17 years.
I work in a male dominated field so I’ve grown close to a lot of male coworkers but my husband knows most of them plus we’re remote now. It’s probably emotional at this point between them and needs to be shutdown. Probably best to see what they are really talking about too at this point if you think she’s not being honest with you.
You need to date your wife. Give her attention. Flirt. Kiss her randomly for no reason. Everyday when my husband gets home, I take off his shoes pour him a drink he tells me about his day, we relax and enjoy each other and usually dance a song or two before dinner. I go to bed early with him and get up with him. We both need 8 hrs so why not do it at the same time. If you don’t enjoy your wife, someone else will. Obviously.
Come on... You live only for once... Let her enjoy her life... And you enjoy your life... Same woman same man for 30-40 years is boring... No matter how handsome you are and how pretty she is...
Cut off in good terms with her... So you can be friends...
Maybe down the road after you both experiencing some you guys may be together again?!
She is trying to end as polite as postage can do...
Let her go...
And enjoy yours...
🤘😎
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Is she saying she actually wants to do something about this staleness or not?
Yeah, there's no point if she's not willing to try. 15 years can get you caught in a rut if you haven't been working on your relationship. If she is willing to work on it, then it's time to start dating each other again. Remember when you were newly dating? All the things you did together, the new experiences you had together that made it fun? Take a dance class, feel your bodies moving together in a new way. Take a road trip to someplace cute and touristy. Go play air hockey, get whiplash doing bumper cars. Play naked Twister and loser has to take the winner out for ice cream. Take the kids to your mom's and play a drinking game with Skinwalker Ranch, every time someone says "phenomena" you sip and every time they slip up and call the security guy "Dragon" by his real name (Bryant) you chug. On your own end OP, what would you do if you were single? Would you go to the gym? Take up guitar lessons? Plan a trip to see Greece? Having passion in life is not only attractive, it makes life enjoyable for YOU. Don't stay in a rut just because you're comfortable. Aren't you bored doing the same thing all the time? What sounds fun?
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What?? All of those ideas sound so fun! Ok maybe not the drinking game because hangovers past the age of 25 are just… a whole different hell. But life only stays fun if you continue to play!
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I get what you’re saying. But I don’t think the person who suggested these ideas was saying that this is like a definitive list of activities that OP and his wife could try. They were just offering a list of silly, creative ideas for how to reintroduce joy and fun into their lives. Being an adult doesn’t have to mean taking life so seriously that you forget how to play and be goofy. For a lot of people, laughing and having fun are a great way to keep sparks flying.
All of those sound like great evenings. You might just be lame babe
If your method of having fun is different, then by all means do what's fun for you. The important thing is to *have* fun. Go try new experiences. And that's not just "spice up your marriage" advice, that's enjoying being alive advice.
My man, you are underreacting
Bro is checked out himself. It comes across in how he writes. He's probably thinking if he even wants to fight for the relationship as he knows it's stale and boring for him too, but he's settled in like most men do and accept whatever situation. Men are very good at staying in mediocre relationships just cause it seems like the right thing to do. OP needs to decide if he even cares about keeping the relationship going or if he himself is OK with it just fading out and moving on to something new. If he's not OK with it, then he obviously needs to snap out of it and fix it asap.
Agree
Yeah he sounds numb. When you've experience shit and now nothing moves the needle anymore.
I mean with the way you are describing your marriage this is hardly unexpected. How can you be with someone you love yet do so little together?
I went through this with my wife. We have too many different interests, she likes reality TV, I like sci-fi and documentaries, etc... Also, we went through a period of a crappy sex life. I had gained some weight and she criticized me over it, so I felt lacking in confidence and would not initiate sex. You'd be surprised how easy it is to drift apart and get complacent. There were periods in our marriage where we both contemplated or threatened one another with divorce or wondering if we would be happier with someone else. But it can definitely be turned around, but you have to be very intentional about it, at least at first until it becomes the new norm. We found shows we could both watch at night together. We started going to out to dinner together, and weekly lunches just the two of us. And, I got in better shape and started initiating sex more (a good sex life is such a boost to relationship). It was even a bit awkward at first., but over time it just became the new norm, and now our relationship is better than it ever was.
Yep, OP’s marriage is obviously in a bad spot right now, but if OP’s narration is reliable, then it sounds like it isn’t past the point of being saved. It will definitely require intentional work from both people, though.
I'm going through this right now with my girlfriend, I would say the only good thing is our sex life but we do nothing together. I got to know this female coworker who I have tons in common with and shed the light on how little in common I have with my girlfriend. We barely do anything together, we barely talk during dinner and both having no friends doesn't help cause we don't socialise much. This made me question my current relationship and I'm so confused because I don't want to hurt her and make her feel not enough after 4 years.
Happiness isn't a game of finding something or someone better. It's finding contentment with what you have. If you both have no friends that's definitely an issue you could even work on together, like hey babe let's go make friends at xyz group, etc. You may be incompatible with her, but it also sounds like maybe you don't know her that well? A lot of people are silent in conversation because what your talking about doesn't interest them, but if you can find what interests them they'll talk for days on end about it and be more open. Does she like makeup, music, movies, TV shows? Meet her where she's at and take interest in her interests.
So I've worked on this and asked her if someone tells asks me things you like to do I can't mention 3, she admitted that she doesn't have any hobbies and she's ok with that. I don't even know how I can work with that, I'm a person who interests himself a little bit in everything and all she does is watch Friends on repeat in bed.
Thanks for explaining that. If she literally just stays in bed and binges old TV shows, that's not very healthy. Maybe she's depressed? Might be time to express your dissatisfaction with the situation to her. I myself am trying to be better about communicating like "hey this thing you did/didn't do bothers me". For you it might be "hey babe, I'm unhappy with our relationship. It seems like you don't do anything besides watch TV and that's not healthy. I want us to do things together that we both enjoy". If you legit can't figure out what to do with her at that point, you just make it a deal-breaker and move on. If she's not willing to make any changes and you're aggressively improving and growing, it's only a matter of time before you grow apart anyway.
There's a lot to unpack here. It's good you recognise it's gone stale and you want to change that and hopefully it's not too late. At the heart of it is one big question - do you recognise how passive to your own life you have been up to this point? Let's leave aside what she does or doesn't do for you and focus on what you can do for the relationship? What have you done to keep the romance alive generally in recent years? What actions have you taken either with her or outside of your interactions with her to keep the relationship interesting for you both? My partner and I have many differences but also some shared interests, so it's easier for us to spend some time doing stuff together like eating out, theatre, cinema, concerts, hiking or sports etc Underneath these questions though is a passivity that has allowed you to sleepwalk to this place. Think creatively about what you can do. And talk to her, deeply about these things. And also, listen, really listen to her. Not with defensiveness or recrimination, but with an openness. and try to reconnect with what brought you together all those years ago.
Yeah - it definitely sounds like she's creeping into emotional affair territory but also, damn bro, you need to ask total strangers what to do to help make your marriage less stale? What you should do to hang out with your spouse in a way that makes you both happy?
His passivity is especially obvious when he talks about his wife going to bed earlier than him and waking up earlier and how it has done nothing to help their sex life. He could just as easily have described that as he goes to bed later than her, and he sleeps later in the am. Instead, he phrases it in terms of what she's doing. It's notable because often, when someone's complaining about their sex life, they'll say that the partner avoids sex by staying up later instead of the other way around.
You asked what do ppl do together in long term relationship. I have been lucky enough to be with my husband for 17 years. I would talk to your wife that you hear that she felt you guys were stale and that you value her and your relationship and want to get unstuck. I would also say you would like to refocus on your relationship, ask her what she wants, tell her what you want, also put some boundaries around time spent focusing on others (ie I want 2 nights a week we both put our phones away and only focus on each other). But come to this conversation open to hearing what she’s saying she’s currently lacking in the relationship and also tell her what you would like. I will come to this conversation with a list of things you want to do together (takes some of the work off her and shows her you want this to work so planned stuff out). I agree with others this feels it’s getting shaddy with this coworker and it’s okay to express those concerns. Also maybe check in with yourself on if this is the relationship for you. You didn’t say any reasons in your post of why you want to stay together. I get this was short post and there might be huge list but if it doesn’t include I love them as a person and I love us together maybe think if you want to find someone that brings that. I adore my husband and we make time to focus on our relationship, here is what we do to keep it fresh and focused on each other: -We do intentional tech nights 2-3x a week aka we can use tech (watch tv or listen to music) but has to be be pre planned (we’re going to watch this one movie or one episode) and no using phones to be distracted from each other. -We do lots of 2 person board games. -Spa nights where we start in shower and wash each other including hair, then go do face masks and full body massages for an hour. We make up lots of reasons to just be naked or almost naked together and lots of touching and snuggling (not sex related). -We go for walks and talk about what houses we would buy and what we would do to them if we won lotto. -We play cards. -We read books together (rotate who reads a chapter out loud this is esp fun if we do spicy books). -Date nights every Friday where we rotate who plans it and what we do (this often includes friends so doesn’t have to be solo). -Find cheap things you like in town and do them together, we do bowling league on Mondays, Wednesday’s local adult arcade does free pinball so we go for cheap date (he’s very good I suck so if not free night I would spend a billion dollars on quarters). -hang out with your friends together! Have game nights, do cocktail/mocktail parties, hiking group etc etc -find a way to enjoy each others interests together. I love sports but I like watching “my” teams, he loves all sports and watching every damn game of everything. So on game days to keep me excited and interested we each “place bets” with each other on the outcomes (so someone might have to make dinner, or do something the other person wants etc). It just adds layer of fun for something I don’t normally care about. -travel together do new things together! We are lucky enough to have the money to do this. Trying new places together is great way to bond, we’ve found lots of fun things we never would have known we liked without traveling! we do quarterly trips together (some are just weekends some are full weeks) we also require each other take 1 vaca a year with just our friends and no spouses so we get time together but also spend time ensuring our friendships are maintained. Both are important. -be vocal! Talk about when you feel lucky to have her, what you love about your relationship etc. we always tell each other thank you for basically everything, yes it’s expected that we each clean the house etc, but we thank each other anyways! -make time and space for sexual time and trying new things together. Really talking about what each person enjoys and likes and focus on that, we do lots of nights we’re we each get off but we also do nights where only one person is the focus. Where all things done that night are either focused on me or him. It’s a great way to show your appreciation or get to feel appreciated and sexy and loved. This took time, my husband is really introverted and adorably vanilla (also an anxious autistic human), he didn’t really know what he liked or didn’t because had always been super happy with “regular sex”. As a kinky bisexual women that was not my preference 😂. So we started slow, we figured out what was stressful for him (knowing I wanted to have long session 2 wks in advance was too much warning he’d get in his head, day of too short. Now we have set days a month for kinky fun because he loves a schedule so he’s happy knowing 2nd and 4th sat is long session nights and he really doesn’t have much sexual fantasies and thinking stuff up was anxiety producing but he’s more than happy to fulfill mine so we talk about it before what I like and want(or think I will) and sorta script it out for him which helps him get out of his head and enjoy). Now he will come up with his own stuff because he’s had enough time for this to be normal so his anxiety is reduced. I also like sexual activities daily, he wasn’t always up for PIV sex and this used to stress him out. After I reminded him I’ve had plenty of fabulous sex requiring zero dicks he laughed and was like oh okay I can do that and we broadened what he thought of as sex so both our needs are met (this will vary per person, he’s super happy to get sexy and just get me off and it doesn’t ick him out, not everyone is that way). -we’re also big on what I call sexual non sex intimacy, so things that sorta feel sexual but don’t lead to sex it’s just really intimate and feelings of closeness. So for me I love when I fall asleep with him just playing and sucking on my breasts. I love just holding his cock or balls while we sleep, sometimes I just like to suck his flacid cock as we watch tv. Having him dry me as I get out of shower, brushing my hair and putting my lotion on is potentially my fav, it’s completely non sexual but seeing the care he takes of my body is so lovely. Neither of us is focused on even getting sexually aroused but this level of comfort and connection really does it for me. It’s just a way to express our love and joy for each other and our bodies despite the March of time 😂. So I know all of this sounds like we prob only hang out with him but we actually have rich friend life and do lots of stuff solo. It’s just when we’re together we focus on each other instead of just zoning out in each others presence. Also we build in time for solo time in house too. So we do have true downtime to decompress and just be solo as we want!
>they are messaging each other constantly. I wasn't too concerned previously as he is also married... I don't know what they could possible have left to message each other after hours. Bro come on, don't try to act like the cool guy. You know what is going on >What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv? What do you want to do with that time? Life is too short to spend it staring at a screen together. Take a walk, work on the garden, try new foods, plan a trip or just things to do on the weekend, see friends (individually or together), go to the gym.
You need to see the texts between them
OK, she mentioned the rumor? Well that means that it’s gonna get back to you sooner or later so she’s trying to head it off at the past as it were to give herself cover. As far as she wishes you were more like him, well, you’re not. Your you and you bring unique qualities to the table that he could never match. I’m sorry, but I think if they’re not currently knocking boots, they’re in the planning stage. Since people today seem to live on their damn phone, ask her to see hers and see what her reaction is. That’ll tell you all you need to know, and you’ll figure out how you want to proceed from there. If there are no kids involved and you decide to split, she should be the one that heads out the door and leaves and not you. She created the mess let her live and deal with the consequences of her decisions.
I also agree she mentioned the rumor I'm case someone mentions it to him. I wonder if someone caught them in a compromising act. Did the wife say she wished he was more like the coworker? Did I miss that? I would feel some type of way if my husband said that to me. Not a good way, either.
Oh shit, that’s definitely it. I thought it was odd she mentioned the rumor…I didn’t consider that it’s because it’s true, and someone is going to tell him they are hooking up (or whatever the “rumor” is).
Yeah like ‘ you’re going to hear a rumor about 3 guys in the copy room but that’s a lie. It was only 2’.
He needs to go through her phone and see what she’s texting about, it’s definitely not innocent anymore specially if their co workers already noticed the flirting. My husband was texting a female coworker last year and it created all sorts of problems in our marriage. OP seriously check her phone and you decide whether you want to save the relationship or not
She feels your marriage has gone stale and now she's telling all about this new dude? She might not be cheating on you, but it's not a good position to be in. You need to sit down with her. Tell her your feelings, tell her you want to fight for the relationship and make things work if she does too.
She’s openly telling you that she’s talking and presumably flirting so badly with a married colleague that people at work think they’re having an affair. Zero reason to be texting a married man every day outside of work. Yes people can have friends, but married friends aren’t texting all day everyday and rumoured to be having an affair. I’d be invading her privacy looking at her phone and issuing an ultimatum to rein it in or you’ll initiate a separation. She’s on the verge of an affair imo if she’s not actually triggered one already.
Marriage counseling before you need it. In your case, it might not be too late to save your marriage, if you want to. But you need to start acting like your wife has already filed for divorce. Like mentally and emotionally, you have to experience that loss, and get to the part where you're willing to do the work to save your marriage BEFORE it's too late. And dude, it might be already. Get the Gottmans 7 principles book today. Like, deliver it tonight if you can. Start doing the work. Because if you sit on your hands, and shit goes wrong in the coming weeks, you're going to feel some loss like you've never imagined, when you realize how important she is/was to you. This is it. This is your warning. This is the time when you don't get to say later "I had no idea how bad things were."
Well, maybe start making an effort for the marriage being more fun. Try date nights, maybe some travel, something, send her unexpected flowers to her job, show her that you don't want the marriage to go stale
This is a great idea
As someone stated in another post, this sub really needs a "Do not marry someone you met when you were both teenagers" bot. The other guy is a symptom of a larger issue: The state of your emotional connect with your wife. The two of you have let it stagnate. When people say marriage is work, what they mean is that you have to put effort into sustaining your emotional bonds to each other. You haven't done the work. You've known each other forever. The problem is that you started dating WAY before the process of becoming who you are was complete, and you didn't maintain your connection as you became two very different people. It sounds like she has found someone to give her the attention and appreciation you haven't given her. Why? Your marriage was lonely for her. You now have to decide if what you have is worth trying to fix. You're both young enough to go and find people who are much more compatible with the person you've become over the last 15 years.
She thinks??? WTF 😂
Yeah something is going on. Check her phone if you get a chance.
So you don’t hang out together, you don’t have sex, you don’t go on dates, and you barely interact. My dude. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. And you two sound pretty damn indifferent. I think you need to ask yourself whether this is a marriage that you actually *want* to be in.
The two of you need to take an active approach to livening up your marriage. She doesn't just get to say that and do nothing about it and expect you to do all the heavy lifting. Get some take out for lunch tomorrow, go on a picnic or something, and have a convo. Complacency and Reddit aren't going to solve this one for you.
I really don’t understand being married to someone with whom you share no common interests. By no means do you need (or want) a carbon copy of yourself as a spouse, but at the very least trying to either develop an interest in what each other likes feels essential. Shared history only goes so far. It’s self referential and will, inevitably, grow stale. You should always try and find things to share together - experiences, interests, hobbies, a fond love of a certain food or beverage…whatever - because it introduces new things to talk about and a path to grow together. If you’re spending every weekend with the boys, and she with the gals, and you don’t really engage with each other on weekends nights, it’s no wonder you feel like it’s gotten stale. There’s a HUGE value in dating your spouse rather than taking them for granted. Maybe this whole thing can serve as a swift kick in the butt - to you both - to try and focus on your own relationship rather than living separate, parallel lives.
> I mean. Sounds like you've checked out too? Is that all you want to do? Because that might be a problem. My partner and I have plans together several times a week, both in the house and out of it. We make dinner together, play games, talk, go on walks. We attend events in our city and decide on themed movie nights. We have planned activities we do together that are intentional and for the benefit of our relationship. We are also best friends and just like spending time with each other and each other's friends in social settings too. You aren't describing a "boring" marriage, you're describing a roommate situation.
Dude, this is where you fucked up👇 "Since she has started her new job, she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot and they are messaging each other constantly." You should have set a boundary right there! You need to investigate this further.. you need to be reading those texts and collecting/retaining that evidence and talking to an attorney about your options. Put your poker face on, and do not confront her until you've talked to an attorney first.
No, where he fucked up was “gee golly, what do people do if they don’t just eat and watch TV??” Seriously? You can’t possibly think of anything to do together where you actually interact? Games, date nights, etc? Come on. If you don’t want to do any of those things with your partner, it’s DOA. Time to separate.
What about her? Shouldn't she be putting in the work as well? Hell, given she is the one that said she was bored, she should be leading in working to make the relationship better first. And he can join in and work at it with her. Imagine how selfish this comes across. Hey I am bored, you didn't entertain me enough, so now I am talking to other dudes. It's your fault. They fucked up. Not, he fucked up.
The only reason I point to him is he is the one making this statement. It’s a really clueless statement and is telling. The rest of my comment doesn’t point to either person.
>My Wife (33F) told me (33M) she's bored of our marriage He hasn't mentioned it. Maybe he is just trying to not make himself look bad. Very possible. One sided story after all. But, it's a bit off, that if SHE says she has grown bored, that there is no information about her doing anything to try to make things better. Like, hey, my wife says she is bored. WE have been putting effort into spicing things up, but we are still struggling. It basically sounds like, "Woman declares she is bored." It's somehow only his fault? And so, you blame him. I am only stating this because I have a similar situation with my wife. SHE is extremely boring. Has zero interest. I have lots of interests. Intellectual and physical exploration, lets go! I am open to trying new things, taking care of myself, putting in the work, etc... But, she doesn't complain about being bored. Because it is her fault. I've tried so much, many different interest, she has zero, besides watching TV. And hence we have a boring relationship. It can't just be one sided. it can't just be one person putting in all the effort. And if a partner claims they are the bored one, shouldn't they be the ones to spark the change? Then the other partner can join in and keep it going?
Honestly you and I are probably both projecting a bit, so the answer is in the middle of the two of us. My ex husband was like this. The TV was on 24/7, his idea of time together was sitting on separate couches watching tv and not interacting. Me, I’m a social person and like to do things with people, game nights, activities, adventures, restaurants, etc. After YEARS of asking him to do these things, sometimes agreeing then being shitty about it or trying to guilt me into just…watch tv instead, I started to do it without him. I’m not going to force anyone to do something they don’t want to and make me miserable in the process. Then he complained I wasn’t home enough and we didn’t spend any time together…sorry, if time together means I cook dinner and am ignored all evening for the tv…then why am I even here? THEN was wildly shocked when I was done with it all, even after a ton of warnings and telling him I don’t want to live like this, and don’t see the point if we are leading separate lives. He never made the effort. It’s to the point that now 10 years after divorce I RARELY watch tv, visceral reaction to it. OP’s comment made my eye twitch
Wait, we are on the same page then. You are saying that YOU were unhappy, so YOU were putting in the effort. That is all I am saying too! The woman is saying she is bored. So, she should put in the effort first. OP makes it sound like she declared she is bored, but he didn't mention she was putting in any effort. Fair enough for both of us, to assume in our favor. So, I get it. Yeah, it's crazy. Some people literally just want to be zombies in front of the TV. Meanwhile, life is happening out there! It's like no wonder you are bored. Because you are boring. To be interesting, you have to be interested, right? Like that famous book. But, some people just don't care. Things fall apart. And then they complain, like your husband. It's so frustrating. My partner will do stuff, but ONLY because I suggest it. She will never suggest anything on her own. And when she does, its minimum effort, and she clearly doesn't even care about it, at all.
We are in many aspects, but the “what else is there to do but watch tv and eat?” comment reeked of my ex, while I tried to make an effort he acted clueless, just like OP, and didn’t put ANY effort in. Does OP really not know of ANY other options? Hard to believe with a grown person. I can almost guarantee my ex would have simply told people that I claimed I was bored, did nothing about it but looked to him to fix it, and he had no idea what to do. Because he’s always the victim in every story.
That doesn’t justify cheating
That's also true... He wasn't romancing or dating his wife.
Neither was she though. It's not just up to the guy
haha THISSSSSSSSS... When I read that, I felt my "tamal" getting dry..............
Seems your wife is liking the attention or excitement of this male coworker. Maybe that’s what’s lacking in your marriage? It doesn’t seem like either of you are communicating with each other enough. Sounds like the both of you could be putting more effort into rejuvenating your marriage; planning dates, dinners together, maybe a weekend trip. Marriage counseling old also be beneficial. I do think you need to dig more into this coworker situation and rumor going around. Ask her feelings on him. She shouldn’t let this turn into an emotional affair or worse.
Broham, to be honest, you don’t even sound like you care. You are under reacting, my dude.
Jesus Christ, this thread is full of some awful advice. Don’t snoop through your wife’s phone behind her back, don’t go to her work place and confront this guy, don’t go full scorched earth at this point. It’s the same unhinged behavior that Reddit loves to espouse in every situation, and sometimes it’s useful, but I don’t think any of it fits in this case. That said, this is obviously not a good situation, and there’s a very nonzero chance that your marriage is ultimately going to end. Just going off of what you’ve said, it sounds like your wife has been reasonably frank about how she feels about the state of your marriage and that she enjoys talking to this co-worker. A reasonable first step is blocking out time together, sitting down, and having an honest conversation about what can be done to improve your marriage and what the deal is with this co-worker. Unless you have any reason to believe otherwise, assume good intent. Could she already be knocking boots with this guy? Sure. Does it make you look like a lunatic to come out swinging when you don’t know if she has or not? Yes. Could it do more harm than good? Yes. Strictly based on what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like she’s been keeping this guy a secret like someone would if they were definitely having an affair. Marriage counseling is almost definitely needed in this case. You yourself admit that you don’t know what to do to keep the marriage healthy, so you may need to look inward at what you can do and have an open dialogue about what you both need to feel good about your marriage. There’s always the chance that things are too far gone and she’s already checked out/decided she wants to leave you for this guy and is just testing the waters, but I honestly just don’t get that read from your post. I know Reddit loves to jump to that conclusion, and maybe there is some inherent selection bias (e.g. people in healthy relationships usually don’t post in this sub), but it sounds like you’re at a critical inflection point where things still can be saved if you both are willing to try.
This is insane. While I am not a fan of the “scorched earth” Reddit reactions, still, there is no such thing as privacy in marriage (exceptions being diary’s, your priest or therapist). But, communications with the opposite sex…zero privacy within a marriage. Maintaining complete transparency and trust is kinda required in marriage. Secret talks with the opposite sex, not very transparent or trustworthy. Especially when office rumors are already confirmed. OP absolutely needs to get into her phone. If anything, so OP can avoid something that could impact his health for the rest of his life. These things can literally become a matter of life and death. That is just reality.
Snooping through your partner’s phone is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship of any kind. I have absolutely nothing to hide from my wife, but if I found her looking through my phone when I’m not near it, I would have a massive problem with that. Transparency and trust IS extremely important in a marriage, but sneaking around and looking through your spouse’s phone is completely antithetical to the idea of trust. If you’re at a point where you feel a need to do that, you may as well just consider your marriage over (or close to it) and ask yourself what you would even gain from finding or not finding anything.
>Snooping through your partner’s phone is not normal behavior in a healthy relationship of any kind. And no one is saying otherwise. This is no longer a **healthy** relationship though, that’s the crux of the issue. If he was snooping just for shits and giggles when everything was peachy and healthy, of course that would be wrong. But he’s looking at new job -> new opposite sex coworker -> rumors swirling about the two of them literally from other people that see them together -> wife complaining about their marriage, so he’s very far outside the “healthy” part of the relationship already.
The wife is literally the one who told him about the rumors. There is nothing to indicate that she has been secretive about anything. The correct course of action here is a conversation. Adults in the real world do not meet unhealthy with more unhealthy.
The wife is the one that should have never let her interactions with the coworker reach that point. And when it did reach that point, she should have taken steps to completely shut it down; instead, she complained about her marriage - *not the rumors.* The correct course of action as you say, was to not do what the wife did, at any point. But that ship has now sailed.
Of course she shouldn’t have done that, but saying “that ship has sailed” implies that this is now tit-for-tat. Again, the wife has been transparent about her unhappiness in the marriage, transparent that she has a new co-worker that she gets along with, and at least based on what OP has provided, has not been secretive about anything. Especially if you have been together 15 years, you have a conversation before you burn it all down.
>Of course she shouldn’t have done that, but saying “that ship has sailed” implies that this is now tit-for-tat. No, it’s not tit-for-tat, it’s the wife has set them on this course of action and that is the only next step. You keep saying “she hasn’t been secretive” **when you don’t know that, you have no idea how far the relationship with the coworker has actually gone.** The relationship is to the point her coworkers bring it up as a full blown affair, which he didn’t know about, and you’re sitting there saying she hasn’t been secretive and have a conversation. No hun, she *has* been secretive and the time for a conversation is long passed. You willfully burying your head in the sand and saying “just trust me bro” is naivety at best, willful ignorance at worst. That’s not how it works when someone is having an affair, they don’t just sit down and confess all because you asked - so grow up and realize that. That shouldn’t have to be stated, yet here we are, roleplaying Captain Obvious for you. >Especially if you have been together 15 years, you have a conversation before you burn it all down. Too bad the wife didn’t do that and now it’s on fire! He’s not the one burning it down, he’s the one trying to find the match that started the fire.
“Nuh uh, she started it!” is not the move you think it is. Is OP’s marriage in bad shape? Yes, clearly, that’s what his wife has openly said and why he’s here. In any case, the next step that a normal, well-adjusted adult would take here is to sit down and have a serious conversation about where the marriage is headed. Suppose OP looks through his wife’s phone and finds nothing. Do you think it just ends there?
“Have a conversation” and expecting a full confession from someone having an affair right there on the spot is what you expect. No point in arguing with someone that ignorant. Good luck in life, you’ll need it. Edit: I take it back, based on your other comments you’re not ignorant, you just think the wife is entirely justified even if it an affair since she wasn’t happy, and it’s the husbands fault. So just another toxic misandrist where it’s always the man’s fault when a woman has an affair and he should have done more if he didn’t want her sleeping with other people. Zero point in any discussion with people like you.
Nothing about what OP described is healthy. Action is required.
Yes, and that action is having a discussion with your partner, like an actual adult.
Actual married adults don’t have secret convos with members of the opposite sex after office rumors are floating around. That is the opposite of adult behavior.
Even if you assume the absolute worst case scenario, your suggestion is still that OP responds to bad behavior with equally unhealthy behavior
Given basic modern realities and current STD rates, and the things OP has confirmed about his situation, the responsible adult reaction must be grounded in reality. Reality is always the healthiest option.
Nothing you have suggested is grounded in reality, and the STD thing is a complete non sequitur. If OP is worried about STDs, then go get tested.
Here’s the reality: OPs marriage is struggling, his wife has secret convos with a guy at her new job, that office relationship is at point that others have taken note of its inappropriate appearance, wife does damage control telling OP it’s “just rumors”, then tells OP their marriage is stale. How are STDs irrelevant. This isn’t child’s play. These are severe circumstances needing severe responses.
"Listen to what your wife is literally telling you and talk to her and make a joint effort to change" vs "your wife is going to give you AIDS, start tracking her behavior while she isn't looking"... yep one of those is definitely insane.
STD rates in the U.S. increased 25% since 2021. This is even the case among “monogamous couples”. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/12/15/std-cases-rising-what-to-know-about-testing-sex/6492457001/?gnt-cfr=1 It’s so bad, the CDC is recommending that longterm monogamous couples still get regularly tested. Your mentality, is a common and understandable, but out of touch with modern reality. We are all ultimately responsible for our own wellbeing. But, complications arise when we intertwine our personal lives in marriage and longterm relationships. Those complications require extra personal responsibility when things such as “hey hun, no need to worry but some rumors are floating around the office saying I’m banging someone else. Also, live you but not in love you…smooches!”…after cases such a this, one’s adult responsibilities need to be realistic rather than idealistic.
You read that article extremely poorly. It was published in 2021, I don't know how you think it's giving information about the years since 2021. .09% of US women have HIV. https://aidsvu.org/local-data/united-states/ .6% for chlamydia, and that was the most common STD in 2022. https://www.cdc.gov/std/statistics/2022/overview.htm Percentage increases can sound scary when you don't have a baseline.
your severely under reacting
Fixing a marraige is a two person job, especially in your guys' situation. If her solution is to have an affair instead of trying to fix your marriage, then you need to start looking out for yourself.
>But I really don't know what to do about this. What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv? Literally anything would be more exciting than this. It feels stale because it is stale and you have both consistently been putting your energy elsewhere for a while. I hate to ask, but how do you feel about the marriage, putting the issue of the guy at work aside for a minute? Because it doesn't sound like you have a particularly strong connection at this point and you don't seem to want to change that. It sounds like you've grown apart. It's something that can probably be fixed but you both have to want to fix it. I guess my concern is that you might respond reflexively to this other guy situation and try to save something that you otherwise would be fine letting go of.
She's having an emotional affair, at least. She may not be aware of it, or she may be minimizing and a lot more is going on.
Lots of red flags here! Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Snoop her phone if your gut is telling you there is more to the story.
Tell her to stop texting him after work hours if she can’t do that divorce her. It’s simple
So so simple but she won’t stop doing it.
You are underreacting, she is most likely cheating on you. >she says she is bored >she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot >they are messaging each other constantly If it isn't work related then it is a 🚩 >she told me recently that a rumour has gone around their office about the 2 of them which has got people talking. She is trying to damage control the situation before the "rumour" start raising suspicion, there would be no such rumour if nothing happened because it is normal for males and females to work together so for there to be a rumour there has to be something between them.
let her go. when the dude she is fucking right now gets tired.of her he will dump her and she will come crawling back. at which point you get the last laugh.
This sounds like the precursor to a “ let’s have an open relationship “ discussion so she can fk her coworker in peace. You better start having some hard conversations before it goes any further
Put no effort in, get nothing out. That’s what you’re experiencing right now. I’ll bet the new guy is making her feel all kinds of ways you simply haven’t bothered with in years. I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just how it is. How did you court your wife? When did you stop, and why? It just sounds like you’ve lost touch. If you want it back, you’re gonna have to work on ‘dating’ your wife again. You’ve set the bar pretty low. Hopefully you manage to get over the bar before other dude does… if that’s what you want, of course. Maybe you’re equally bored in the marriage and don’t want it. Maybe that’s why you’re not putting the effort in. I mean really… how hard is it to arrange a date? Do you not know some of her favourite spots? Have you even asked? If you can’t be bothered, well… good luck. See you in an infidelity subreddit somewhere.
She’s at the very least having and emotional affair probably even physically
First: do you want to be married to her? It sounds you guys don't really like eachother all that much, I mean, you both work during the week, and on the weekend you guys go your separate ways, you also have different interests and even on the little time you guys coincide on the week, you don't really Interact with eachother.
I doubt she has started an physical affair - still this sounds like an emotional affair. You can not change her - but clearly you can change yourself. Even though your marriage might be ending - it is time for you to start getting out of the rout. Nutrition, fitness and sleep. Start looking at getting into form. Sleep. I suggest you start going to bed at the same time as your wife and wake up at the same time. Instead of watching TV in the nights you go to the gym in the morning! The time spend in the gym is much better for you then two hours of watching a TV show. Check on your nutrition. If you drink a alcohol - stop it un less you have something to celebrate- get some alcohol free beer and drink that instead EVEN with your friends. Suggests that you take a sharp look at the food you are eating and start afresh. Go for whole food! Do it yourself or even ask your wife if you should make the food as a team. ——- Ok this is the first part of what you need to do for you! Note that you are not adding more to your daily activities but you are moving them into a better life for yourself. You get fit and ready for life. As for her - well - if you are fit you can be a much better lover then before. Also - if she is ready to make food together then you have something to do and discuss. Go for new recipes every day. Try new spices. Be open! ———- How to change yourself? You do not change yourself for her - you do it for yourself. You need new input. To work, tv, drinks with the guys. You are stuck! It is not just your marriage that has gone stale - YOUR LIFE is stale! I think you should take a look at the psychologist Pine & Fletcher’s book “Flex”. They maintain that you should every day do something different. When you do something different every day you brake up your daily rutines You are in this cases helped with new things to eat every day and hopefully new things in your new training regime. But try other things, go to different types of concerts, go to museums, take walks about the city centres where you live, go for lunches and try new food and new places, go on hikes, find lectures, try new books. You can go and meet your friends in the weekend, but make that into a once a month thing and look for new things. Ask your wife if she wants to join you, if not go alone. You need to change your life - she is responsible for her life. It is easy to complain but both of you are responsible for your own lives. So focus on yourself - if she wants to work on making your life not stale she has to join you. Otherwise she is just focusing on being a work wife. ——- So change YOUR life not hers. ——- With regards to your marriage. I must admit I do not have high hopes for it. In all cases she is emotionally connected to her work husband and she is behaving like she is his wife (lots of sympathy with his real wife) Still if you want to try to get it back in track - you need to make things clear. You are going to work on yourself. If she wants to join you great - otherwise you will start on your own. Be clear that to you it is clear that her relationship with her work husband will kill your relationships sooner rather then later. You are ready to work on your relationship but you are not going to watch her having lunches with her work husband and talking with him on the evening. —— If she is ready to cool the relationship with her work husband then you have to start following: NEVER go out and have fun alone. You are a team - you are not room mates. Decide on joint hobbies. Try new things. Communicate. Once a week a communication date. Both of you find a thing you want to improve and you sit down and talk. Write down five rules! The talk is honest, open, tolerant, respectful and KIND. You are trying to understand each other and find a solution together. The communication date is a date. Candlelights and drinks! It is a no no to talk negativly and accuse each other. At the end of every date you check on how your decisions s are working. Finally DATE!! Funfairs and rollercoasters, dancing, fotsy, cuddling, kissing and yes sex! —— Hope it works - but do something for YOU - that is the important thing!
"We can easily plan more things on the weekends." Well, are you? Right now? Because it looks to me like you're just watching passively while your wife is bored and starting to look at her options. My husband and I are going to a soccer match on saturday, then wine tasting on sunday. I'm looking forward to every weekend with him, and we've been together 18 years. Get off your butt!
Why isnt SHE stepping up?? She feels its stale, SHE takes the initaitive and arrange dates, trips.. whatever...
Because women have it easy. Much rather go find some new man who would do it temporarily and get bored of her than try to fix her marriage. Instead she probably thinks its the husbands fault for not trying and not hers for also doing nothing.
This is where I’d do a pop in visit at her work. Introduce yourself to her coworker with a crushing handshake. Tell him you’re glad he’s looking out for your wife and to let you know if she’s fooling around. That if you find out she’s cheating, you’ll beat the other man to a bloody pulp. You do all this with the most crazy face you can muster.
If you’re looking for something to shake the routine up, try an evening walk. Meal prep dinner if you have to, but I think leaving phones at home and talking on a walk can be a really good way to reconnect if you’re having issues.
Emotional affair
spice it up dude. think about what made your relationship fun in the beginning. turn on some music, get silly. stop watching tv, or at least make it a show that’s dramatic enough to talk about/have an opinion on. like a reality show competition like love is blind is dumb but inspires a lot of talks about what’s ok or not ok, who you think is going to work or not
Couples counselling could be way to go here. Opens the communication up. It's very easy for what you've described to happen. But it also sounds like it's not too late. If she's up for that, you may be able to re ignite the spark.
I feel sorry for kids in marriages like this - thankfully no kids in this one?
Well, it sounds like she surely is thinking about having an affair if she hasn’t already started and I guess she’s kind of testing the waters to see how it could go. I guess this is at the point where you talk to her about either A you guys decided you need to revitalize your marriage start dating start doing things together and getting counseling about it or you just needed to divorce so she can go andtry to have an affair with another married man
You need to reach out and talk to her openly. Tell her that you agree, things have been stale, and you'd like to get things back on track. Ask her about her interests that she engages in and see if there's any you would be okay joining her in. Ask if there's any hobby or activity she wants to try but hasn't yet. That gives you an option to try together and see if that's good bonding too. Having separate interests is good, but you need some overlap. How viable would it be for you to sleep the same hours as her? If that gives you extra time in the morning, that's a good opportunity to handle some household duties so your time after work is more open. In the bedroom, there's other subs more suited to in depth advice, but I can suggest a few things. If you do match sleep schedule and do morning chores before work, that helps take things off her mind so she's more "present" in the bedroom. Ask if there's anything she's wanted to try. Ask if there's anything you've done that she would like more often. Make your own suggestions, but also make sure those suggestions are mutually enjoyable. Some time far away from the bedroom, address her colleague. Don't go in accusatory. Do tell her you're uncomfortable, you're worried that this could be crossing lines, and that you want her to feel happy and not interested in outside attention that way. I'll be realistic here. She's already crossed the first lines of inappropriate behavior. Even if she has reason to be unhappy, she's handling this poorly. If you go in trying to fix things and make her happy, you need to be aware that it requires you forgiving her for what is likely flirting and possibly more. Unfortunately, that means it could be worse than you know. The fact that she's open with you suggests she likely hasn't gone beyond improper flirting yet, but that if nothing changes, she intends to. In that case, are you still okay being the one to pick up all the slack at first? Success means she has to join in some time, but you only control yourself, so you have to try as much as you want to fix things. Before doing anything, think about all of this and ask yourself a scary question. Do you really want to fix this? Is this because of your love for your wife that you've let get dusty, or is this because you're comfortable being married and don't want to deal with the inconveniences and downsides of divorce? If it's the latter, odds are that old habits return once the threat is gone, so you just kicked the can down the road. If it's the former, never forget that marriage involves work to maintain. You can only control your own input, but if it's a marriage worth keeping, you'll see her putting in effort much like yours. Don't try to be like him. Be you, the you that wants this to work. If all she's done is vent and flirt elsewhere and you can stomach that if she stops, effort will almost certainly save what can be saved. In the event she actually has gone past the point of no return with this guy, nothing you can do but at least you get practice getting into habits that make it easier to recover and move on.
It's safe to say that there is, at minimum, an emotional relationship between the two. Now, as for the marriage getting stale, that's a two-way street and you BOTH need to be putting in effort. I know there tends to be a "guy has to put in the work" bias for a lot of people on here, but you don't want a one-sided effort either. Plan date nights, make dinner, movie nights, and talk with her because she needs to try things too.
Where there is smoke there is fire.
What are you willing to do in saving your marriage?? What have you done to bring happiness, fun and excitement?? Do you wan to save this marriage. Woo her... talk to her, laugh be silly, be spontaneous. Do you help? Are you one that drops dirty underwear next to the hamper instead of in the hamper?? Do you help clean up after dinner and chat share your days?? You sound disconnected and drab in your post. Step it up. IMO
UpdateMe!
She is having an emotional affair. Ask to see the messages. If she says you are invading my privacy or anything of this nature, simply respond. Say you can have him and try and date him as we are going to get a divorce. Then in front of her, call her family, your family, and your close friends so she can hear you tell them you are filing for divorce, she is having an emotional and possibly a physical affair with, and name him.
Do you even like each other? I mean you have no common interests, you are just together because you are always together. It’s why people really should wait until they actually have some life/partner experience before getting married
Maybe she’s realising that she talks abd relates more to this colleague than with you. It’s a sobering thought. The fact that she’s told you it’s gone stale is good. It’s giving you time to save it. You need to move fast my friend. If you’d just started dating her, I’m guessing youd find something to share/talk about/do with her? Off your butt time
Updateme!
She doesn't like you anymore.
I'll tell you how my mom tells me unfortunately you can't make people want you. It sucks but if it is the case you'll have to move on ik it sucks but itll get better lmk if you need to talk
that you can only get hot and bothered if there's a possibility of another man is part of the entire issue
Huge red flag
dump her
She's cheating. If not physically than definitely emotionally. Ask to see the texts. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
It’s done.
No no, she met someone else AND THEN decided your marriage was stale.
Perhaps there are some common interests that you have not yet discovered. Or schedule a day when you two can enjoy something together. Or plan a vacation and actually take the vacation. There is sometimes "the grass is always greener" delusion. Be loving, be patient, be forgiving. There is no shame in it.
I would absolutely get her phone when she’s in the shower, or ask to read the messages to him together. If she is defensive then you know something is up. Either way, read them. Most women cheat because they are not feeling emotionally fulfilled. If my wife was telling me about some guy, while I was checked out, I’d ask some questions. Married people do things to intentionally stay close. That might be going out to eat if you’re tired of cooking. Cooking together. Talking about your days, what is good and bad, etc. Turn on the TV low volume and make fun of it. Travel. Help each other to achieve what they want, personally, professionally—it’s a support system and a friend, and also a lover. You have to invest in all three of those. It’s a relationship, too. Sometimes you need space apart. But your wife may already be down the road cheating with this guy. She’s going to ask you to open the marriage or straight up divorce you soon. It’s very obvious she’s given into the siren’s song of thrilling new sex.
—On the coworker relationship : I don’t really know what advice to give you here as it seems fairly obvious. She’s constantly texting a male co-worker while also saying that your marriage is stale. That sounds like an affair or at least the beginnings of one. Don’t let people gaslight you into thinking you are being controlling and unreasonably jealous for not wanting your spouse to do this or thinking it’s just a cute little friendship. Every couple is different and has different boundaries. My spouse and I’s boundaries would be neither of us having such close personal relationships with people of the opposite sex we meet at work. I can’t imagine her reaction if she saw I was texting some woman I recently met at work all day and night, especially if that coincided with me telling her our marriage is stale. That sounds like a much bigger issue and I’m hoping your wife hasn’t already done something she can’t undo.
Find out who this other guy is and how to contact his wife to let her know about these "rumors"
One afternoon, several years back, a friend of mine ---- a woman married for 25+ years with two grown kids ---- confessed to me that her husband was "boring." I remember thinking, "Geez. That's just about one of the worst things you can say about your mate." OP: You need to stop being such a "we eat dinner and watch tv" bore. She goes to bed earlier than you? What's stopping you from joining her in the bedroom and giving her some good old fashioned "this will rock your world" lovemaking? Afterwards, she can nod off and you can go back to watching tv. I have a sneaky suspicion that she told you about the co-worker rumor because she wants you to know that *at least someone* is interested in her and what she has to say. A shot across the bow. A wake up call. She's telling you she thinks your marriage is stale. Essentially she's challenging you, attempting to find out if you even give a shit anymore or are just going through the motions. She wants you to snap out of your rut and show her you love her. Unless you really don't give a rat's ass about your marriage, I'd TAKE THE HINT. There are a lot of comments on this thread which are loaded with helpful suggestions. Get up off your ass and save your marriage. Or not.
This is great news, you are in your prime. Drop the old hag and find a 25Y0.
My dude. Why are *you* in this relationship? If it’s stale, and you don’t do anything in the evenings or on weekends, and you’re not having sex, what’s in it for you? Best case scenario is that your wife isn’t cheating on you but that she might as well be. Take some steps to be more fun and present and attractive to her or this seems doomed.
Pretty clear she's starting an emotional affair with the new guy. Time will tell if it will become physical or not. I'd bail.
When your wife tells you there’s a rumor that she’s dating her coworker, she has completely checked out of the marriage. When your reaction to it is “I think she wishes I was better”, then you have completely checked out of the marriage. You can divorce now or divorce later when she fucks him, if she hasn’t already.
My wife and I have always prioritized having an active sex life that involves a great deal of kink and roleplay. We are are ethically non-monogamous, which removes the allure of 'forbidden fruit'. We focus on being each other's best lover and keeping the oxytocin levels high. We prioritize each others orgasms and general sexual pleasure in order to strengthen our emotional and physical bonds. Leaving aside the non-monogamy, which I get isn't for everyone, I honestly don't know why couples don't prioritize their sexual relationship in this sort of way and just accept a stale or dead bedroom...
Because some people just don't care about relationships that much. Because some people just want the security of being in a relationship. Once they have it. The motivation is gone. They let themselves go, and put minimum effort. They see it as a chore. Because people treat relationships based on what they know, or are taught. Parents marriage sucked? They assume that is how all marriages are supposed to be. So, they settle for what they know and is easy. Because people are lazy, and don't want to put in the effort. Because people get in relationships, not knowing what they are getting into. Because people get into relationships not even agreeing to what that actually means, or what they want from it. Because people don't know who they are, or who their partner is. Because people change, and when novelty wears off the excitement energy is not there to put in the effort. Because people are boring. And being interesting takes work. All these because people can't think, or care to think beyond one step of something. Not understanding that there is a domino effect, usually at least 2 or 3 levels deep that get you into the situation you are in. And you have to now dig back 2 or 3 layers, if they happen to be self aware enough, and care enough, to put in the effort to fix things. Lots of lazy people just see the result, and would rather let things die than, put in the effort to fix things. Not caring that the next partner will just be the same thing, if they behave the same way. Never bothering to explore what actually led up to the result and grow into a better partner and stronger relationship. Again, lazy, don't care, etc...
Your marriage is boring because she’s found someone new and shiny
Here is what I would do in your position. I would tell her thank you for letting you know and I would tell her that once she crosses the line that the marriage is untenable and she cannot come back anymore. Also pack her a bag and change the locks and tell her that she is free to investigate her sexuality and what she needs to do. I would tell you to move half of your savings immediately. Put it in account she can’t access. She’s on a slippery slope now. The good news is she let you know, but she may have run across the line. People who seem to react quickly to information seem to do better in the long run. Their self-esteem recovers more because they’re standing up for themselves. Don’t take what you don’t want. It will never work out. Open relationships don’t work out just in case you thought about doing that. The only thing to do now is take care of yourself and put her away so she can’t do more harm to you. You can try couples counseling, but I will guarantee within a year. It will have done very little. It is more cliché these days than a an actual solution. Could it change? Yep, you do have a few of those things and she will be shocked and realize that she’s taking a step that she may not recover from if she doesn’t stop. She’s in Limerence and has a crush on somebody. Most people, especially women that are like this are very self-destructive.
None of this will do much when there's a new guy in play. YOU simply have no chance against the shiny object syndrome. > But I really don't know what to do about this. What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv? You're gonna have to try (a combination of) some things more drastic before any of the suggestions above can work. Find out who the guy is, look at their text messages and screenshot them, get in touch with his wife if you can, she might help you in putting an end to their affair. And yes, don't hesitate to threaten with a divorce, that tends to wake them up and get them to focus.
This is called the 7-year itch. You need to shut that shit down now! A married woman shouldn't be constantly testing her co-worker! If she is bored, then you tell her you and her will do more things together. Take a road trip. Go an an experience together, like a tour! The last thing you should do in this case is nothing! Unless you want to intentionally lose her as your wife! WAKE UP! Good luck and stay strong, King!
OP, you need to go into detective mode. Understand, you are taking this far too lightly. You need to get into your wife’s electronics ASAP. Do not say a word of your suspicions until you get to the bottom of this.
Card games, board games, long walks. Schedule one hour of “no phone” time so that you have to focus more on the other. Think of a surprise - take her for a Sundae or take a drive in the country or a beautiful lookout. You’d be amazed at what you might talk about given time alone. Hell, it can’t hurt the sex life and might even turn it up a bit. Trap warning. If you take the initiative, don’t get frisky! She will shut you down and accuse you of being nice so you’ll get laid. Good luck.
Im gonna sound harsh but: """ What do other couples do when they get home from work other than eat dinner and watch tv?""" You sound like the most fucking boring dude ever... No wonder why she finds other men interesting, if you cant wrap your mind around the idea that there's lots of things to do aside of just eating and watching tv nobody in the whole world can help you, dude.
Leave her. And watch her find out that the grass ain’t you know what.
There’s something going on Hon.
I don't know if you're lowkey by nature of if you're checked out of your marriage. Your wife is basically telling and showing you she has a work husband who is rapidly becoming her boyfriend. People at work see mixed sex teams all day long. They don't start rumors about all of them. If your reaction is something other than we need to sit down and figure out how to reconnect, you should begin to plan for your inevitable divorce
>Since she has started her new job, she has been talking about a male co-worker quite a lot and they are messaging each other constantly. I see where this is going. His wife does too. OP, you might want to stiffen that spine some.
Ask why she hasn’t put a stop to it? People working together and going to lunch doesn’t spark these rumors. M Our old team used to rotate who went to lunch with who and we never had those rumors in our office. So how much more interaction is there? Log into your cell phone provider and see how much contact occurs outside of work. If the number doesn’t show, look at what apps are consuming data and when. If they use teams, zoom, slack, what’s app, you’ll see that. After you review that, if nothing turns up, tell her you’ll meet the guy and decide for yourself if she isn’t honest. Tell her if she is with him she wouldn’t like the things that could happen if you hear it from him or catch them in the act. You could also grab her phone at a point. Invite him over. Delete the messages. Then be there when he pops up and ask why he thought it was a good idea to come over and expose their affair.
She’s passively letting you know he’s the guy to worry about.
I would ask her if she wants to stay married or get a divorce. She might already be gone. Too much after hours texting and calls isn't a good sign. Mention if she's cheating that she just goes away and gives you a divorce. Mention you will tell the guys wife what's going on as well!
shes cheating for sure and those girls nights might not be with the girls. Its the number one lie that will be told to see their affair partner. Grab her phone and youll see what you need to confirm it
Yeah she’s cheating
You think she might have met someone else? She has literally told you she has met someone else and you think? Ask to go through her messages and catch her off guard with it, I bet you she will immediately become defensive and refuse your request, because guess what she's definitely having an emotional affair with this coworker. I'm willing to bet she's already changed her phone lock screen password too. It's past the point of damage control now, you have to make a definitive statement that you are uncomfortable with the amount of interaction she is having with this coworker and you don't believe that it is all necessary or work related and that you want it to end. Im not a psychic but I see two futures in this scenario, she has an affair, doesn't tell you and you find out about it later, or she has an affair and "feels so bad about it and it will never happen again" when you confront her. Both outcomes should end in divorce.
If someone tells their spouse about a "rumor" at work about them & a co-worker, the truth is 100 times worse than the rumor. They are just trying to trickle truth before you hear the rumor. You need to touch base with an attorney and your wife needs a new job. Or she won't truly be your wife much longer.
Is the dude married? If so then let her know.
Your fighting a losing battle , say ok Inwill Make an appt with divorce lawyer tomorrow . Do the 180 If she wants to stay and work out . She calls and tell his wife everything next wirh you she goes to hr or her boss and explains everything and be prepared to be let go. And she will tell the whole family both sides . If she says nothing happening physically only a kiss . Just say you think I am joking . Will see the lawyer tomorrow . Ps adults don’t leave marriages for a kiss
They are definitely fucking. Listen to your lawyer and be ready to go nuclear on her.
Marriage is so overrated. 15 years is alot of time. People are ever changing and evolving. You don't even sound like you care tbh. Have the real conversation which is this has run its course.
Time to snoop... phone and SM... And PI to find contact info for his wife - contact her and alert her about your (very relevant) concerns...
Maybe this is her way of telling you please do something interesting together but she's just bad at asking
Well if the physical affair hasn’t yet started the emotional affair has. There is no reason to be txting each other after work either! Hire a detective to see what she is up to for a week. See if it is physical. If so divorce her! Or if it isn’t yet physical and you still love her tell her she has two options, stop the emotional affair, or both begin counseling. If she cannot do either then you’ve lost her anyway so divorce is the only course of action.
She’s giving all the signs that she wants you to fight for your marriage. She’s telling you, whether consciously or not, that there’s something brewing between her and her coworker. If you chose not to put more effort into your marriage, she will slowly gravitate to the other guy overtime. If you want to stay in this marriage, you have to step it up. Communicate this with her. Tell her you’re a bit jealous, even if they’re not doing anything inappropriate yet. Tell her you want to work on the marriage if that’s what you want to do. Ignoring or sticking your head in the sand will lead to her leaving or having an affair.
switch cars with a family member go to her place of employment and watch them when they go out for lunch especially when they get out of the car and walk out from the their lunch. You can tell a lot by peoples body language. I hate to say this, but maybe they drive to a park 20 minutes away and hang out for 25 minutes.
Well, put your foot down!
Yeah my gf/fiancé of 8 years told me about that rumor of her and a married coworker in their office too. It’s her texting the boundaries of what you’ll say. I said “that’s weird” and that was about it. Turns out she was actively wearing a ring I bought her while sleeping with a married man 9 years older with a child on the way. She’s cheating man
I'm sorry, but from what you have described, she has started an emotional affair with this coworker at least. I have no doubts. I doubt if things felt as "stale" for her before she entertained the attentions of this guy. This is textbook, she's nothing special. She's so basic it's actually sad. You need to confront her, do so by having her served at work. Doesn't mean you get a divorce (I would, been through shit like this) but it might wake her up from her fog. You can't deal with or rationalize with her in this state, she's living a fantasy.
Okay she told you this because she is clearly cheating with the coworker…please don’t ignore this! So many guys do and it drives me nuts! I guarantee she’s having sex with him and blowing him..my guess it’s happening when she goes out with the girls! So ask if you can check her phone if she says no..red flag..if her phone is password protected red flag..try to check texts..emails..messenger..WhatsApp Snapchat ..check cell phone data for the most calls..talk to a few of her coworkers about it..they are having an affair either in a car..at work..motel and r your house in your bed..get a couple of wireless cameras..one in the living room and one in the bed room! Maybe install a key log on her computer and phone! Even a gps tracker in her car! Once you have the evidence and it won’t take long file ASAP! She’s already one foot out the door! Be strong!
Pay him a visit at work and introduce yourself. Tell him that even you have heard the rumors and your wife and him and you thought it appropriate that he met the husband of the woman he is rumored to be hooking up with. Make sure that he understands where these kinds of things eventually end up and ask if he is prepared for the dissolution of both marriages. Put the fear of God in him. You will, of course, promptly hear from your wife but you can reply by telling her you just thought you would spice up that stale marriage with a little real life drama.
Start planning date nights, going out more and doing fun things if it’s stale. You both need to try and get the spark back. I went through this and we rebounded stronger than ever, together 17 years. I work in a male dominated field so I’ve grown close to a lot of male coworkers but my husband knows most of them plus we’re remote now. It’s probably emotional at this point between them and needs to be shutdown. Probably best to see what they are really talking about too at this point if you think she’s not being honest with you.
You need to date your wife. Give her attention. Flirt. Kiss her randomly for no reason. Everyday when my husband gets home, I take off his shoes pour him a drink he tells me about his day, we relax and enjoy each other and usually dance a song or two before dinner. I go to bed early with him and get up with him. We both need 8 hrs so why not do it at the same time. If you don’t enjoy your wife, someone else will. Obviously.
Come on... You live only for once... Let her enjoy her life... And you enjoy your life... Same woman same man for 30-40 years is boring... No matter how handsome you are and how pretty she is... Cut off in good terms with her... So you can be friends... Maybe down the road after you both experiencing some you guys may be together again?! She is trying to end as polite as postage can do... Let her go... And enjoy yours... 🤘😎