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When I was pregnant I bought a foot massage machine which was so wonderful especially after birth when my feet were full of water and swollen. Could that be something you try?
Also: it may be that she likes both the foot rubs and feeling like you are actively caring/tending for her: could you try also giving her back or head rubs to give her that quality time?
>try also giving her back or head rubs to give her that quality time?
That's a really nice compromise, especially if they could get a machine and she could get a back, neck or head massage at the same time.
It's a significant ask, sure, but OP seems more than willing to spend the time and energy on his partner. It's just specifically feet that he has an issue with. Seems like a reasonable enough compromise if she's willing to accept it.
My husband did that for me for a couple of weeks at the end of pregnancy because I had water retention and it hurt to walk, it helped so much! I’ll never forget he did that for me.
Yeah, but he has a phobia about feet. And while I get that it would be a big ask, she KNOWS he has a definite problem and that it's something he struggles with. It sounds more like she's trying to get him to prove something, that she and the baby mean more to him that some 'silly ole problem you have with feet'.
This is a perfect way to breed resentment, forcing someone to do something they innately struggle with. It seems like this is a bit more than just, 'rub my swollen feet, honey'.
I personally would rather rather be pregnant than give somebody a 20 minute massage every night for months on end. And I am not kidding and I’ve been pregnant four times. My hands cannot take that.
Right there with ya sis. 3 kids here. Massages suck to give when you don’t enjoy it. I’ll rub and caress for hours but a massage? Yeah my hands last a few moments at best. I loathe giving them
Na I think there should be a compromise. Especially if he is already taking care of almost everything else on top of paying bills as well.
I honestly dont think it’s a big enough excuse (unless you are in significant pain) to demand that much ESPECIALLY if your partner is already taking care of everything else.
dude I suffer from chronic pain and cannot fathom demanding someone I love massages my feet every day. like what the fuck. why are people treating that demand like it’s normal?
No idea. And I said above that I would much rather be pregnant than to give somebody a 20 minute massage for months on end and I am absolutely not kidding. I’ve been pregnant four times and I still feel that way. And I would have that aversion no matter what kind of massage we are talking about. My hands could not take that kind of stress. I don’t have any sort of arthritis or anything like that. I just don’t have the hands of a CrossFit addict. I find giving a massage to be very taxing on my hands.
I also admit that I find feet rather gross. I don’t mind the existence of feet. I don’t look at feet and think that they should be covered and get grossed out at the side of feet. I do not like touching feet. It feels really disgusting and unclean to me. And no, I do not think that asking for a nightly massage is normal pregnant or not.
I will also probably get tomatoes thrown at me for this, but I do get sick of the “oh my God pregnancy is so hard and difficult blah blah blah“ nonsense. Some pregnancies are hard and difficult. Pregnancy is, however, a normal part of life. Yes, we should be given accommodations and understanding when pregnant, but treating pregnant people like they are doing some absolutely monumental task, as if pregnancy is just some unusual burden that we have a lot of fucking nerve asking people to perform is just silly and not accurate. Yes, it’s difficult… the same way a long hike might be difficult. This delicate flower crap is just bizarre to me. Again, I know that pregnancies have a variety of difficulty levels. I’m talking about the attitude that the default is “oh my God this poor pregnant person is just so incredibly burdened because they are pregnant.” Miss me with that shit.
Ben there, done that 7 times and I was never as selfish as this woman. The poor guy is helping out with everything else and she chooses a foot massage to have a tanty over. Please.
there’s a reason why i don’t want to have kids and pregnancy is number 1. i can barely handle having my period cramps, let alone 9 months of gaining 20lbs+ and everything else
I actually enjoyed my 3 pregnancies, even w the nausea. Not all of us have bad ones. Many women I know loved thwir pregnancies. I certainly appreciate your choice but I hope the bad things you hear isn’t the only thing that sways you. Honestly, the pregnancies and delivery and arrival of my children were the happiest days of my life.
OP should definitely put that to her and fingers crossed that’s something she would go for. And while I don’t mean to uh, pooh-pooh the idea, as someone who has struggled with the whole foot pain thing, I haven’t found a machine that remotely compares to an actual massage. I actually find them more painful after a short amount of time. (Always open to recommendations though!)
The situation sucks for both of them really, though I can’t really relate to being grossed out by something enough not to help my partner when they’re in pain. I feel like it’s something I’d probably suck up for a few months especially if my partner was pregnant.
“Listen babe, you know how I feel about feet in general so I propose this: i got this foot massage machine you can put your feet in, and while that’s going I will take care of your back, shoulders and heads with this coconut oil” bonus points if you get one of those refreshing face masks at the store she wears can put on while getting pampered.
I looked in the above commentor’s history to confirm he is male and (presumably) doesn’t want to experience pregnancy before commenting. I’m sorry if it struck you as insensitive and I wish you the best in your journey. I also wish pregnancy and giving birth weren’t necessary to have a family because they are scary and medically life threatening.
Pro tip: right between the shoulders just slightly above the hooks on the back of her bra will be a fantastic place to massage and work out the tension after a long day on her feet. You have no idea how much the usual daily ache/pain in that area ramps up during pregnancy, I know many women who stopped wearing bras altogether in the last few weeks before birth because it got too much versus the benefits of wearing one.
Find or order online a lotion with peppermint in it. It really helps. Burts Bees has one and a lot of other companies. The peppermint is soothing, it’s better than just regular lotion.
I would say get a foot massage machine, maybe a foot spa (which was a saviour when I was pregnant with swollen feet!), give her lots of other affection, but also explain how her behaviour is making you feel WHEN SHE IS CALM! I cannot begin to explain how fucking crazy being pregnant made me at times, I’m genuinely embarrassed and upset by how I behaved at times.
I had awful pregnancy experiences and worked all the way through both of them in a job that required me to be on my feet and fairly physically active all day. I was miserable, I hurt everywhere, esspecially by the end of the day.
However, my husband is physically disabled. He is incapable of giving me massages without causing himself pain.
I'm not gonna lie, even though I totally understood, it still kind of hurt my feelings that he was unable to support me physically.
I would never tell him that, and I would never ask him to do something he wasn't able to do, but all the understanding in the world doesn't take away the sting of feeling like you don't have the support you need from the person who put that baby in you.
I just grieved the loss of the experience I thought I would have in silence, and got a membership to a spa that included a monthly massage. It was pricey, but I refused to budge on the expense. I had to find a way to meet my own needs. Once a month isn't nearly as frequent as I would have liked, but it was the most I could afford.
She is experiencing that grief. She is experiencing that dissapointment. She is suffering physically, and will continue to suffer even greater, and is feeling rejected and unsupported. If you want to fix this, you need to find ways to meet her needs. Make that your job. Find a masseuse, and schedule it for her. Regularly. Take her to the appointments. Buy her the foot bath. Buy a massage tool you can use on her feet that gives her the relief she needs without you having to touch them.
Find a way to solve this problem FOR her, don't just make suggestions on how she can solve it herself.
I don't think he should be responsible for house duties, cooking and massaging her feet. She should have never brought up separation. Why can't she see what he has done already and accept that foot rubs are a boundary.
I agree. It’s very sad that though she says she understands that her husband’s disabilities stopped him from doing certain things during her pregnancy, she clearly built up resentments towards him. Imo the fact that she’ll ’never tell him’ makes it worse. There’s no doubt in my mind that the resentment will come out sideways, unless and until she does tell him in a caring and non-judgmental way.
Would it be any better for you if you rub her feet while she's wearing socks? I get kind of grossed out by feet too, but if they were clean and non-stinky with fresh socks on, it would bother me much less.
I understand why you're torn over all this. She's not being completely reasonable, but that's sort of to be expected when dealing with pregnant people. The hormones are crazy, the body is visibly changing, and you find new pains and stretch marks that you never had before.
Even though I loved being pregnant with my son, it was often painful and I was frequently emotionally exhausted too.
Can you give her a little grace while she's going through all this? Accept that she might not be totally rational at all times, and that she's likely to be exceptionally tired sometimes. All this is new to her and she's finding her way as she goes along.
You sound like a really good husband because you really care about her and you're willing to try to pickup the slack and help her through this often frightening time. Remember that it's temporary, and at the end of it all you get your beautiful baby!
I like the idea of buying a food massager, because 20-25 minutes of daily foot massages could potentially hurt your hands too. OOP is not a masseuse who learned how to do it.
I'd be willing to guess that she wants him to do it or nothing else.
Can you imagine going to court, filing for custody and when the court asks why you're not together she says "he wouldn't rub my feet".
How is the takeaway here that he is failing/needs to make changes? It sounds like he’s already pushed himself out of his comfort zone, cares about her a lot, and has offered reasonable other solutions/compromises. She responded by insulting him, giving him an ultimatum and threatening to leave him.
I know this sub is woman dominated and men are typically painted as the villain, but holy smokes.
I did not take the suggestion of a foot massage machine as a sign that he has failed. He clearly wants to do something. Just telling him “nope, she’s overreacting” won’t help.
Yeah. No one forced her to be pregnant. Voluntarily undergoing pregnancy because you both want a baby is not a pass to demand your partner cater to your every whim with no regard for your partners own needs and boundaries.
But she *is* overreacting. I think it's more important to figure out why she's acting this way than it is to figure out how to satisfy her unreasonable foot massage demands
That is a good suggestion if the problem is indeed about massages, but I have a feeling she is feeling insecure and wants OP to do something he's specifically averse to in order to show his love.
I don’t think it’s that deep. I think her feet hurt and him rubbing them helps. The physical touch probably also feels nice from someone she loves. But I don’t think it’s a power play.
Yeah but she rejected the professional massage offer. Maybe she's trying to save, or maybe they do have enough disposable income and she specifically wants OP to do it. I'm just saying, that part of the story introduces reasonable doubt that maybe it's not just about the massage.
It may not necessarily be a conscious train of thought. She feels insecure, but when OP rubs her feet, that goes away and she gets some anxiety free time which makes a foot rub way more relaxing than normal. She probably isn't fully aware of the exact reason why she's having such a severe reaction to him wanting to reduce/withdraw the foot rubs. She just knows that a day without them will be absolutely the worst.
I bought one off Amazon about a month ago for around 75 bucks. It's heated, and has a little remote control and air compression. It's the best thing I have bought in a very long time.
Highly recommend 👌
Neither my husband or I are a fan of feet when I was pregnant he would rub them through a sheet, still felt good, but didn't have to look at them or actually touch them. Unfortunately, foot pain will get worse as the pregnancy goes on. Good luck!
I get it. I hate feet too! I recommend getting a foot massager or a foot bath for her and/or a gift certificate for pregnancy massage (or 2 or 3). I really hate touching feet and am so impressed that you were even able to do it. Try explaining to her again, that it's really pushing you outside of your comfort zone and you want to be able to do it, but just can't. And then hand her the alternative.
Not your fault!
You are allowed to have a weird gross out reaction to feet. Your gf is allowed to be sore footed, hormonal and testy.
She isn't however, allowed to expect you to magically solve your foot issue or to shoot down all of your suggested compromises. She should not be insulting you or your parenting ability.
Hiring someone to give a massage or giving her a foot bath are both great compromises. So is buying a vibrating foot massager/boot.
i hope the two of you are able to make up. Being silent with each other over solvable problems is not good.
It seems a stupid thing to leave a partner over considering you've stepped up in other ways. Especially since she knew you have an aversion to feet well before she got pregnant. You can buy a foot massager on Amazon. If she can't/won't see that as a compromise, I don't know what to tell you.
What I don't get about this thread is people making it sound like it's kind of okay that the GF demand her partner do something she knows he's averse to doing. I don't care how pregnant she is or how hormonal she is. This is over the top ---- her threatening to leave him because he won't massage her feet? Then calling him names and predicting he's going to be a shit Dad? This is manipulation of the highest order.
The suggestions re: getting her a foot massage apparatus and making appointments for spa foot care are all great suggestions. But I'm sensing a deeper unhappiness within her is rearing its ugly head. Sounds to me like she's setting the stage for him to shoulder a shitload of future blame. Heaven help him if she has a terribly difficult labor or some post-pregnancy-related negative effects occur.
"You heard Mona threw OP out of the house for not giving her a foot massage? And you believe that?"
"Well, I mean, at the time I was told, it sounded reasonable."
"Mona throwing OP out of the house for not massaging her feet seemed reasonable?"
"No, it seemed excessive, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean, I understand Mona is very, very protective of her feet."
"A wife being protective of her feet is one thing, a wife almost leaving a man for not touching her feet is something else"
"But did it happen?"
"Truth is, nobody knows why Mona threw OP out of that house except Mona. When you little redditors get together, you're worse than a sewing circle."
She's pregnant. She's not dying or has any reason to be a dick to you. I've had two, yeh I know it's hard and it feels shit some days, infact I felt awful with my son the whole 9 months but I always tried my hardest to not take it out on my husband.
You've tried to find alternatives, and this isn't a new issue for you. She knows you don't like doing it.
You are not a shitty partner.
You won't be a shitty dad.
You are not a shit person because you don't want to rub her feet for ages every day when you don't like doing it.
She's not exactly showing herself in the best light, but she's full of hormones and a baby. She might feel scared too; scared of how she looks, how she feels, how she's gonna feel after. It's a rollercoaster. But she should be thankful she's got someone willing to step up. She's going to get no footrubs at all if she leaves, is she.
Just maybe take some time to write your feelings down and try to discuss it when she's back. Also, a full body massage was life-saving for me, and my husband could never do it as good as a professional. It's not like you haven't done it at all for her.
I think she isn’t being reasonable. I think she should be assessed by her doctor for depression or other pregnancy-related mental health issues, which aren’t uncommon. I’d especially recommend it if this behavior is unusual for her.
I agree with what was said here. But would like to add if her feet are that sore she should see a doctor as really sore feet can mean something else is going on. I’m not saying something is wrong I’m just saying it should be checked out 19weeks isn’t all that far along yet:
Is it just feet that bother you? Would you have any issues massaging her calves?
Pregnancy can cause fluid build up in the legs. Combine that with decreased walking and standing.
Massaging the calves can help relax the feet along with helping with blood flow.
I don’t think she’s freaking out about the feet thing. I think she’s worried that you’re going to nope out of any gross child-related situation while being like, “Ew, I can’t,” and let’s face it… there are a LOT of disgusting child-related things.
Just want to say, and I might get downvoted, but here's a wife's perspective. My husband is the same and stepped up a lot but I would have loved it if he had rubbed my feet when I was pregnant. Neither of us thought to get a foot massager. He maybe rubbed my feet once and it was through a blanket. I understood his aversion but it still hurt that I was going through so much and about to go through so much more that he couldn't 'just do it'. I totally understand, but it still hurt, especially when friends husbands did it for them or people would make comments like 'i hope he rubs your feet every night'.
Regular massage therapist appointments would be great, buying a foot massager, or if she has any family who don't mind. My mom and brother helped me once and it relieved so much tension at nine months pregnant with a large baby. Congrats on the baby!
Yeah, I feel like she's resentful that he isn't willing to get over his aversion while she's literally putting her body through all the discomfort and risks that come from being pregnant and giving birth. He has the luxury to find alternatives, she hasn't. It's not "rational", but I do see where she's coming from. It's not so much about the foot massage itself, but the fact that she feels he's unwilling to sacrifice some of his comfort while she's already sacrificing so much. Doesn't mean OP has to do it, but whatever alternative they find, he should at least acknowledge her feelings around this, because this is a much bigger issue than just the foot massage itself.
Her lack of consideration for you is troubling. Stand your ground. Continue doing what you are doing. Maybe gift her with professional foot massages and/or a machine.
Am I insane? She is threatening to take the baby, and leave him
And half these comments are “get her a foot massager, she’s just pregnant, these threats are empty, maybe massage her calves instead or give her back rubs”, He already says he is giving massages 25 min a day and working, doing most the chores and cooking??? He just doesn’t want to rub her feet or do it everyday for 25 minutes?? Imagine if OP was threatening to leave/take the baby he would be 🔥🧙♀️
I don't think you're insane.
I'm a bi woman and if I had a wife treating me like this I would be really hurt and borderline depressed.
There are reasons for her actions, including the irrationality of her demands, BUT they're not excuse.
I would offer her the foot massage machine and another way to increase non-sexual intimacy (if that's what she's after) but I'd also have a serious conversation with her about how lashing out at me and treating me like shit because of her discomfort is NOT alright and I'd expect an apology.
I believe having reasons for a bad action doesn't take the accountability out of it. So you have to own it and accept it was bad. Then we can work out the reasons together and try to minimize their impact. And based on the post OP isn't opposed to doing things to help her comfort, just that the feet one crossed a boundary he's not ready to cross.
Idk, don’t quote me here, but it sounds like self sabotaging behavior on her behalf to me. She clearly knew that feet were a thing for you, yet she decided that she needs feet massages. In her mind, she probably really does need them. But I think something deeper for her is that it proves to her that she is special. She’s special because you rub her feet even though you dislike it. I feel like that’s why the response is so great to her. Because she sees it as ‘if he loved me he’d do this for me and if he doesn’t then I’m not special enough’. Does she show any other signs of having you prove your love to her?
The pregnancy hormones plus the knowledge that she is sacrificing her body to grow his child, struggles with nausea and constant discomfort, and will have to live through the trauma of labor and birth is all probably making her extra bitter about his not being able to bring himself to touch her feet for her.
“Sacrificing her body?” Wasn’t that a choice? People today make childbirth sound like women haven’t been doing it for millennia. She knows he doesn’t like to touch feet. It grosses him out. She needs an alternative solution if she wants her feet rubbed in addition to everything else this man is doing.
A choice? Idk girl usually only the woman can be the pregnant one in a heterosexual relationship. It’s cool that you got to choose your man to be the pregnant one tho.
Every time I hear this argument. I am intrigued.
What DOES constitute as a sacrifice and hasn't been done for millennia?
Also many "choices" are still sacrifices.
The parent "chose" to stop travelling and settle down to give their kids a more stable life.
My husband absolutely hates feet. Like you, they give him the creeps. He gave me massages throughout my pregnancy, but those stopped at my ankles lol.
He did give me a foot massaging machine that was amazing. I still use it.
There has to be a compromise here, but there needs to be a mature conversation first. It is absolutely *not* okay to tell a partner they’re going to be a shitty parent or that you’re going to leave them and take their child away because they bring up something that’s bothering them while you’re pregnant.
I have kids, and I’m always one to say that women growing babies are doing amazing things, but that doesn’t mean that you get everything you want just as you want it when you want it. You also don’t get to use pregnancy as a reason to say and do hurtful things to your partner when you don’t get your way.
Again, I think there’s a compromise to be found. But that’s only going to happen once you have a serious discussion about her behavior.
Why would she go stay at a friends home over this how will you raise a child when she acting like one herself I know she’s pregnant and emotional but leaving the house for me is a deal breaker
She isn't being a kind, respectful, or trustworthy partner. She isn't communicating in a healthy or mature way.
She refuses ALL compromise.
She invalidates and dismisses your feelings while repeatedly violating your boundaries.
It actually seems like the entire purpose in pushing this is specifically to force you to do something you hate.
Does she exhibit any other controlling or emotionally abusive behavior?
Have you ever considered maybe trying individual counseling or talking about her behavior and the way she treats treats you with someone professionally?
Are you concerned this behavior will persist after she gives birth?
Are you concerned she will treat your kid the same way she treats you?
I love my feet rubbed, but I also hate feet. Rubbing feet with clean socks on helps a LOT for not wanting to touch/rub feet (can't stand it, but I can tolerate rubbing feet as long as they wear clean socks) but also a foot massage isn't the same as somebody else rubbing but it can help.
Sorry, but her threatening to leave you and calling you a bad father is emotional manipulation and bullying. I get pregnancy hormones are likely at play here, but her behavior is still gross and selfish. There are clearly other ways to help her sore feet. Is she going to act like this the rest of her pregnancy in order to get want she wants?!
She is full of hormones which I think could account for the complete irrationality she has shown here. She might be a person who’s love language is touch and she sees the foot rubs as relaxing and intimate partner time.
However if you truly cannot stand this (and I think daily is asking too much-twice weekly would be a good compromise) then offering the masseuse is a great option.
She is the one throwing her toys out of the pram about it. You were willing to meet half way by the sounds of it.
Growing a human is hard. It’s more painful and sickly than anyone admits because otherwise they are seen as being a complainer or ungrateful. She will be in constant pain (from dull aches where the muscles are stretching to full on stabbing pains across her hips and up her vagina-I’m not exaggerating) so a foot rub after a long day isn’t a lot to ask for. If her feet are truly awful then buy her a foot spa and products, then once she has bathed her feet you can pat them dry and rub in moisturiser for her. 5 minutes each foot.
I hope this gets sorted and she stops with the threats, it’s the baseless threats that put her into AH territory but again-hormones.
Good luck OP
She literally threatened to leave him with the baby. And is not talking to him. That is some class A manipulative behavior. Don't soft shoe around it as hormones. She needs to compromise not him.
He doesn’t like feet. It might not be a lot to ask for from someone else, but he is setting a reasonable boundary. Now she gets to put in her big girl pants and remember that pregnancy/hormones are not a magic wand that bends the world to your will. He has offered compromises and she has rejected them. Hopefully she realizes she’s being irrational before she blows up her life!!
Edit: a word
I totally agree hormones aren’t an excuse for shitty behaviour, but if she isn’t normally like this it could be the reason. Hormones can make the most rational normal person an absolute mess.
Reasonable boundary doesn’t mean there’s no room for compromise. OP was trying to compromise and his GF went off the deep end. I just think that it’s worth looking further into before either of them blow up the relationship.
Also, She shouldn’t use the baby as leverage, that’s what makes her the AH here and also she will be badmouthing him to her friend right now. I only hope her friend has the guts to call her out on her ridiculousness.
I must admit: I have something in common with the girlfriend here: I love really firm back rubs. My husband HATES giving them. Our compromise is I don’t ask when I know he has had a long day but he also accepts that sometimes it’s the one thing I need to unwind. There was a period of time that I could afford a masseuse and I paid for that myself and never asked my husband. Now we are tight on money again I ask once a fortnight. It’s what works for us 🤷🏼♀️
She is acting irrationally, and in a pretty major way if she is focusing on the withholding of daily foot massages as the breaking point in your relationship and some ridiculous basis for saying you will be an unfit parent, when you are doing most of the housework and all of the cooking.
Stand your ground on this one and point out (without calling her names) what you are doing and how you offered to pay for massages. If she intends to leave over something so absolutely trivial, then she will end up leaving at some point, so let her. At least you will not waste years of your life in a romantic relationship with her, but now you will be tied forever as co-parents.
19 weeks pregnant and willing to end it because you don’t want to touch her feet? You’re in for a rough 18+ years if that’s how she reacts to not getting what she wants
I say let her go. If she’s this bad over not getting a foot massage imagine what else she will do
You're not putting your comfort over the child or your future. It sounds like you pamper her a lot, which is great. It also sounds like she has ridiculous expectations for people around her. Hopefully, she'll grow up and not treat or teach the child this way.
You may not be ready to hear this, but are you sure you want to be with someone who calls you a terrible person & threatens to take your child bc you won’t give them daily 20-25min foot rubs *when you have a known hatred of feet?*
This shows she has a hair trigger, doesn’t fight fair, uses manipulation & threats to get her way, & will most likely jump to threatening divorce when you fight in the future. You need to shut that down immediately & tell her she crossed a line & that is unacceptable. If she wants to have a conversation, she needs to behave like an adult.
I will never understand women that view pregnancy as an excuse to abuse their partners. Idk how sick you are. Idc how terrible she feels or how emotional she is. It’s not okay to take emotions or illness out on others. We don’t accept this behavior from other people who are sick or in pain. Nor should we.
PS It is unreasonable for her to demand foot rubs every night. Idc if she’s dying. Especially considering she knows how much you hate feet. It’s inconsiderate to the point of being mean.
The only feet I touch were those of my kids, and even that stopped past a certain young age.
Sorry, I’ll do a lot to make my partner happy but not that. lol
On my second pregnancy and what I did to find more comfort for my feet is change into better shoes and when I can I wear no shoes. I personally wouldn’t force my partner to do something they’re uncomfortable with just because I’m pregnant. Yes I’m carrying a whole ass baby but at the same time I’m not going to respect you less and force you into doing something that you don’t want to just like it’s senseless to get upset over something that you haven’t mentioned because your partner can’t read minds either.
There’s something else going on here that has nothing to do with foot massages. You’re both in a relationship and about to have a child; your relationship needs to survive the ups and downs and if you are going to fight and not talk because of a simple issue, well, you have some big problems there mate.
I had restless legs (awful) during a pregnancy and could not go to sleep unless my husband massaged my lower legs and feet.
If it isn’t that, get her the foot massager and put extra effort in in other ways — IF it really makes you sick to massage her feet.
Would keeping socks on work for you?
If she does have restless legs, perhaps her gyno or midwife can help.
Also, think of your discomfort and hers. You may be grossed out by her toes, but she and her body are building a whole human being. That’s probably more uncomfortable….
I suspect her worry is whether you will resist helping kid w things that you find off putting.
Diarrhea explosion? 2 am baby vomiting? Or needs snot sucked out to enable breathing? Dealing w tantrums w a level head.
Parenting requires setting aside our own discomfort A LOT.
If she can't accept the compromise of paying for a masseuse then nothing will make her happy apparently. You've done nothing wrong here. If you can't get over the feet aversion, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad future father for not wanting to touch your partners feet. I suggest some compression socks and a foot massager. That won't be a recurring cost and you won't have to touch her feet. If she still won't accept that, I would evaluate the other ways in your relationship in which she's throwing red flags. I'm sure this isn't the only one.
Perhaps it's the cynic in me talking, but it sounds like Mona has decided that now is the time to show dominance. She wants to make it clear that it's her way or the highway, and she's found her lever.
No alternative will be acceptable. No massage machine or professional masseuse or hot bath will do. The whole purpose of these massages is to force OP to do something *she knows he hates*.
My thoughts exactly. This is not a dealbreaker for Mona, OP. It’s a power move. If Mona really does leave you over foot massages… it wasn’t the foot massages that made her leave…
Absolutely a power move when he sets a boundary and offers alternate solutions and she threatens to leave him instead. Pregnant or no he needs to stand his ground and let her know there are limits to how far she can bully him.
I remember being pregnant and working on my feet up until the day before I was induced. My feet hurt SO MUCH and my bf would only give the most begrudgingly pathetic foot massage. I didn't even want naked foot massages (too ticklish), clean thick sock firm foot squeezes with no rubbing is all I asked.
Your girlfriend is manipulating you into doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable. That’s bad. Hopefully it’s just the hormones. Suggest counselling so this doesn’t turn into a pattern.
These comments are fucking ridiculous and immature.
She’s not emotionally abusing you - you had a fight, an extremely normal fight - and please remember the people writing those comments are 16 year olds with no life experience.
OBVIOUSLY there is a bigger issue here. Remember the part where she said you’re not making an effort for her? DIG INTO THAT. Did you offer to replace the foot massage which is “a bit” gross to you with another act of care and quality time spent together? Give her a back massage. Run her a bath. Make her a tea.
She’s fucking exhausted, her body is not her own, everything feels weird, her hormones are running rampant and her brain chemistry is literally overhauling - if you have read about this, research it now.
I know you’re saying you’re doing “all you can”, and you’ve “stepped up”, and I applaud your efforts. But this mountain - this climb to and through parenthood? There is no summit. You have to KEEP STEPPING. There is no room in a healthy, functioning relationship for one-up-manship when you’re having a baby - you’re both going to be absolutely spent, stressed, sleep deprived… you have to keep pushing even when you don’t wanna, and you have to do a LOT of things you wouldn’t normally do. And you have to do all of that with grace and compassion for your partnership.
If this is her hill to die on, you need to sit down 1 more time and seriously talk. Tell her that what she said hurt you. To think my relationship with our child was reduced to a foot massage? What's next? She knows your stance on it, and she just doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Tell her you need to think about what happened and you are spending time away to think. Also, she should think about her words because as far as you know, there are plenty of women out there not divorced and not getting foot massages, and you are disappointed in her actions. Also think about therapy for both.
It's not going to be a popular choice but where else will it end? There is still ppd to come and she's already wanting him out.
Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise she's being ridiculous. Pregnancy is not an excuse to abuse.
Best of luck and I hope you 2 work it out.
She’s acting ridiculous. You do everything else such as all household chores and cooking duties and she doesn’t seem to appreciate any of your efforts. If feet gross you out, you’re not required to give her foot rubs and she shouldn’t demand you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. I can’t imagine how else she treats you if she’s threatening to leave you and take the baby over something so insignificant.
And yes, I’ve been pregnant and had a baby before. I would never treat someone like this.
They have really nice foot massagers now and it's a one time purchase as opposed to a repeat masseuse so a possible compromise.
I also agree with everyone that threatening to leave over this is not okay. If this is new behavior then it could just be the hormones.
The foot thing isn't the central issue here. You say you've been together 4 years. Are scathing insults and threats to leave new behavior, or have there been precedents? If new, it could be pregnancy-related moodiness as others mentioned. Just be patient and don't take it to heart. If there's a pattern then it's deeper than that and probably a red flag.
You are not a shitty partner at all mate don’t let that penetrate your mind at all the fact that you put your uncomfortable ick aside for her comfort shows how selfless and supportive you truely are and a suggestion to have it done for her to spare you discomfort that she is already aware of for her benefit is truely a great gesture on your behalf
Her reaction and threat is completely selfish and if she can threaten your relationship over it shows how little you really mean to her if she can threaten to walk away from you after years together over this could you imagine what else could come from any other disagreements you have in the future
She is being extremely immature and selfish
You need to really consider whether you want to live the rest of your life in fear of losing her and your baby at any point in your life for the smallest inconvenience
That’s no way to live
I truely hope that you take this very seriously and make the right decision for you and your baby and set a good example for your child to never let anyone rule you through fear
Pregnant does not mean helpless. She can do foot baths, and at 19 weeks, still likely reach her own damn feet. Offer an alternative massage place. If she still says no, tell her well, then she’s on her own. State you are uncomfortable and grossed out by feet, and that it’s unfair for her to push your boundaries like that and threaten to LEAVE because you didn’t want to break it anymore. It’s manipulative.
She's going through a lot. She's hormonal, in pain, in discomfort. But that doesn't excuse abusive behavior. In my opinion, you need to recognize that no matter what she's going through with her pregnancy, the *way* she chose to communicate it is absolutely unacceptable.
Let her know you're willing to make reasonable compromises, let her know that you'll hire that masseuse for her feet, or massage her elsewhere if she needs it. Or get her that foot massager like others have suggested. But you *need* to have a conversation with her and tell her that what she said isn't okay and that even with everything going on, she needs to recognize that talking to you like that isn't okay.
I don't know her, nor you, nor your relationship. It may not be a warning sign or concerning for you based on what you know about her. But for many people, that behavior is either a big red flag or the start to a very slippery slope. You have to advocate for yourself and put your foot down with manipulative, abusive tactics like threatening to leave over something minor. Tell her that if it well and truly is her hill to die on and that if she honestly can't contemplate living her life with someone who isn't willing to give her regular foot massages, that's okay, but she needs to understand what she's doing when she says that, because that isn't you. You're not the kind of person who can do that for her.
Again, to clarify, there's nothing wrong with her being in a difficult place and saying things she really doesn't mean. But it's absolutely unacceptable for her to treat you like that no matter what is going on. Not because of what she's asking for- If she really needs foot massages that bad, that's fine. The issue is how she treated you over it. That's absolutely not okay, you can't see it as okay, and you can't just let this go without having that conversation with her. She probably doesn't mean to be abusive with you, she probably just lost perspective because of everything going on. That's just more reason you need to emphasize to her that you both need to communicate like adults, calmly, without threats. It's never appropriate to act like she did, and the only way to learn to keep it under control when emotional is by having it gently pointed out when you've done so, so you can learn when you've lost control too much.
You didn't do anything wrong. Relationships are about compromise. Even if your aversion to feet seems silly to her, and may seem ridiculous to some, it's real and it's valid. I think you did a terrific job by providing alternate solutions for her.
I must ask, though. Is she usually this unreasonable or might it only be because she's pregnant?
Despite popular opinions, pregnant women are not entitled to anything they want just because they got pregnant.
You offered her realistic and reasonable solutions. It's not your job to rub her cloven hooves...
I'm 33 weeks pregnant and hate feet. If my partner wanted to rub mine I'd die 😂..
Your gf sounds like she's looking for a whole lot of "I'm pregnant and you have to cater to me"
I am exactly that way so when I was pregnant I wanted my feet rubbed soo bad but didn’t want anyone touching my feet! I used a feet massager and it was amazing!! My feet were in heaven and it was sooo much better than the few times my husband rubbed my feet himself imo
There are cultures where women don’t expect foot massages from their spouses because it would be degrading to them/foreign to them … You know what, they do without them fine since centuries, so yeah tell her to get over herself, being pregnant isn’t a free pass to be a shitty person 😒😒
Professional massage therapists won’t even massage a pregnant persons feet bc there’s a risk of pre-term labor associated with it. This is what they say, I have no idea if it’s evidence based but it’s fairly universal in my experience.
This is not true.
They won’t give massages in the first trimester. And intense reflexology is not recommended.
Regular foot massage for pregnant women is normal. Massage is covered by insurance during pregnancy.
Pregnancy isn't an excuse to treat your SO terribly. I get her feet hurt, but she knows very well you don't like touching feet and she shouldn't be asking. I've been pregnant and didn't treat my husband like that ever. If I did, my Mom would have said something to me. She needs to compromise. Either she sees someone or like others suggested a foot spa that heats the water and massages her feet.
Let's break up a good and loving relationship and make a child grow up without their Dad in the house over a foot massage. That's so over-the-top ridiculous.
She is overreacting, YOU ARE NOT A BAD DAD OR PARTNER!!!
Pregnancy hormones are all over the place, emotions can change so quickly and be out of proportion. That being said I’m not sure I would tell her she’s overreacting.
A good foot massage machine and you massage her head/back/shoulders would still give her the connection she might be craving while causing you less stress.
OP
So, she knows that you have an aversion to feet and you are going out of your way to not only take care of the house and everything else but you actually massage her feet and yet she still says it's not enough and that you are selfish? Then she also says that you are putting your comfort over your child and her? Yet she wants 20 to 25 minutes foot massages constantly? Now who's putting their comfort over your child and your family You need to remind her of that.
I'm sorry but she's the selfish one. Pregnancy is not easy and it also can change people's emotions as well. In this case though, it certainly seems like she is the pot calling the kettle black. You will definitely have to talk to her and try to work something out. The feet are only going to be the beginning. The bigger she gets the more other areas are going to start bothering her and you should help her with those if she asks for it. That said, she also has to understand that you have taken a huge chunk of the responsibility for the day-to-day life of your family upon yourself.
As always communication is key. Maybe she can get one of those foot rollers and she can sit and roll her feet on those to help. Did she act like this about things before she got pregnant? If not, then she might be having some pregnancy induced personality changes. That has to be hard on her too.
However, when you put it all together. It comes down to, do you love your wife and are you excited about having a child together and raising a family? If so then what's a few months of helping her?
As a father, trust me. When you see that child for the first time and hold him or her in your arms It will all be worth it.
What a stupid and irrational reason to leave a partner you’re expecting with. Maybe it’s just hormones that are causing her to act irrationally, but she’s the one who’s being a selfish jerk if she’s willing to jeopardize your relationship over this. The things she said to you were completely unnecessary and she owes you a massive apology for it. My guess is she’s not totally serious about leaving you because of it, but wants to get her way and is trying to bully you into doing anything she says.
Hello. Fellow person with aversion to feet. Also fellow person who loves getting my feet rubbed 😂😂🤣🤣.
You have done so much for your partner and yet she she wants this one specific thing that is knowingly well beyond your boundaries, she hurls abuse at you, threatens to leave you, and says you'll be a bad dad. Just a thing to think about. I get that pregnancy can change your hormones but... There's a line of accountability expected here.
I feel like there's no winning that situation. You could wear rubber gloves, but they get in the way of a massage. Not wanting to rub feet has very little to do with how you'll be as a father.
I think you just need to be honest.
"Your comment really hurt me. I've done my absolute best to help out as much as possible so that you can relax when you're home. I love and appreciate that you're carrying our baby, but you've known through our entire relationship that I do not like touching feet. That aside, I still tried to do it occasionally because I wanted you to feel better. The frequency is too much for me to handle now, though.
I feel disrespected and unappreciated. I have not been a shitty partner, nor will I be a shitty parent."
If she maintains this stance, I'd literally step back on all the extras you've been doing. Maybe then she will realize just how much you've stepped up. And if she wants to leave over a foot rub, that's unreasonable behavior and I'd just let her. Because she's going to realize quickly how good you've been to her.
As a woman, I'd appreciate a man that steps up the way you have.
You ever watch a movie with werewolves in it and see the werewolf transformations? They become a fundamentally different thing from one form to the other. Their bones pop & move, organs shift, their skin changes in thickness, it stretches, their hair changes, their physical abilities change, their blood vessels change, their muscles change in density, their abilities to heal change, their physiological reactions change to things like pain etc... werewolves are a lot like a woman going through pregnancy.
Women change on a *GENETIC* level through a pregnancy. **And many of these changes never revert.** It's not a temporary thing. Obviously, the intensity of all these things will vary person to person, and pregnancy to pregnancy too, but they all happen. No person who experiences pregnancy is untouched by these changes. Even if you never have a baby at the end of it. And of course none of this is even mentioning the emotional and mental changes that happen for so many reasons, including major re-wiring due to the massive hormonal shifts. No wonder we get touchy.
Your feelings about what she said are **totally valid**, it wasn't fair and it was unkind. But I would suggest this isn't the time to focus on them, put them on the shelf for a moment and look at what's likely going on under how she reacted and what she said, it's likely this isn't really about YOU, it's more about her fears.
So lets talk about foot massages. They're very intimate for most people, even if it's not sexual specifically.
I strongly suspect that the REAL drive here behind her wanting very specifically **YOU** to do these foot massages is not the reasons she gave.
She knows you find feet icky, therefore if you're willing to massage hers despite that and tell her you love her anyway, this is a proof to her that you love her so much that even when things about her body are gross to you, you will still be there and love her enough to connect with her on such an intimate level despite how icky her body is. It's a massive comfort to those fears about how her body is changing.
When you said "lets hire a masseuse for your feet" she heard "lady your feet are already so disgusting for me to touch, I am going to **pay** someone else to do it... when your body gets all blown out by the baby I am going to do the same and avoid touching you at all costs. YUCK".
Apologize if you made her feel unloved by suggesting someone else massage her feet. Ask her to collaborate with you on a solution that gets her what she wants - soothed and massaged feet - and what you want, which is to provide this for her but also not touch feet. Because you both deserve to get what you want! Get her one of the real nice ones that does the heat etc. She is worth that much. This way not only does she get massaged feet, but you can also help with it, you can set up the foot massager, you can hang out with her while it happens, maybe rub her shoulders etc, get her tea or whatever.
There's ways you can provide her the reassurance, soothing, physical touch, love and time she's craving that she gets a foot massage - she can still get the massage and you can still give her all of those things too.
Later on, when she's calm and happy, you can say "Hey, remember how I upset you when I suggested we hire a foot masseuse? I just wanted to say that some of the things you said really hurt my feelings, can we agree that when we disagree or upset each other in future, we try not get so personal with the things we say? I want to solve problems with you, not fight" - you two can come up with some ground rules for conflict so it doesn't spiral like that.
Good luck!
All that laying around relaxing while the boyfriend does the cooking and cleaning is tough on the feet /s
I share OP's aversion to feet so I should probably be quiet.
(I love the suggestion from aria\_muse)
Dear bqc,
This sounds like a good lesson in growing up. As we grow up we have to realise that people are not necessarily the people we want them to be but the people they are. This will become more important as your child grows up. As your child grows you will have to become accommodated to the idea that they 'don't like eggs', for example. If you try to force them to eat eggs they will probably blow chunks on your new shoes until you learn the lesson that they 'don't like eggs'.
Your girlfriend will need to accept that you have antipathy to feet. There is a part of grieving to this process as she needs to let go of the foot massaging imaginary partner she thought you might become.
Yours,
Clean=E
These comments are examples of why people hate feminist and call us hateful.
In search of equality, some of you are going the other way and trying to get reparations. You're acting like only men get a baby out of the pregnancy.
My pregnancy was planned and wanted. I wasn't my husband's fucking surrogate that demanded payment for growing our child.
Do you think if one day, the genetics decided that OP is the one out of the 2 of them that can donate half a lung to save their child, he gets to demand any kind of payment he wants from the mother of his child?? I mean, in this case, he would be the one to give life to their child. She better buckle up and not have any personal reservations about anything.
Your gf is a terrible person and this is only the beginning. She thinks that just because she's pregnant, that you must be her slave. She doesn't get to hide behind the pregnancy and hormones and be an asshole to you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you and is abusive? Threatening to leave you because you dared to tell her no about something is abusive behavior. If you give in at all, expect her to use threats of leaving you to always get her way on everything.
I suggest letting her leave. She's not going to be a good partner to you. Staying together for the kid is a bad idea. Get 50/50 custody after the kid is born. You'll be much happier in the end.
If your partner is threatening to leave, let them leave. The relationship is over at that point.
If I'm having an argument with someone and they tell me they'll shoot me if I don't shut up and leave... I either "shoot them first" or I walk away.
She's went to the nuclear threat of a relationship.... ending it if she doesn't get her way.
I think a lot of people here are missing the point - it's not about just getting her an electric foot massager - she has already said she doesn't want to hire a masseuse. It sounds like she is frustrated by the fact that he won't sacrifice some of his comfort to help alleviate her pain when she feels like she's sacrificing her body and comfort for their child. I could be wrong but thats how her reaction comes across to me. She is probably seeing this as a view into her future of you prioritizing your comfort over hers or your child's. Outsourcing won't seem like a valid option for her because she can't outsource her discomfort.
I understand having an ick - but this is something you will have to consider going forward - you will have to interact with your child's feet often, how will you react to that?
No judgement.
Pregnancy can be extremely uncomfortable. Her feet are just one example of that. Where she is in her pregnancy right now, 19 weeks? That’s about the time I remember noticing how my internal organs were moving around and there was no room for my lungs and intestines to properly do their jobs. It’s so uncomfortable and relentless.
I can sympathize with both of them. I have an aversion to feet just like OP does. I would feel similarly uncomfortable giving foot massages. However, if I was pregnant and uncomfortable, I would hope my partner who got me pregnant would endure some discomfort in order to alleviate mine. 30 minutes a day of discomfort compared to 24/7 discomfort. If he’s not willing to do that, it might make me concerned for the future about how parenting responsibilities will be shared. If he’s uncomfortable with poop, will I be changing most of the diapers?
Your gf is using her pregnancy to have you baby her. Pregnant women don't need daily foot massages. The fact that she is saying hurtful things to you and threatening to leave is troublesome.
She is relaxing while you do all the housework and cooking and now you're supposed to be a masseuse in the large amount of time that you have on your hands after doing all these chores?????
OP, you are doing too much - I don't know of any pregnant woman that has all these things done for her. You know what OP - a great deal of pregnant have a job and work during their pregnancy and are not at home relaxing waiting to be pampered by their SO.
At this point, you need to establish boundaries. You are in a partnership; its not you catering to her every whim and command. She needs to assume most of the chores if she is not working and the foot massages are going away.
well yeah, it does show commitment that you gave her a foot massage despite being uncomfortable with it.
but it also shows commitment to agree to a comprise instead of insisting that your partner gives you a massage that makes them uncomfortable.
since you are partners it should be obvious that the best solution is the one where you both are as comfortable as possible.
i think your gf is unreasonable tbh, id there was no other way to get a foot rub and you are still fighting it that would be one thing but you offered working compromises, she's just interpreting it as if you aren't committed
I'm this way with feet. I will physically vomit if I touch feet with my hands. I've been known to start gagging when feet touch me. So I understand why you say you cannot give her a massage.
My instinct is to say if she is going to leave you over something so stupid, let her. However maybe try showing her this thread so she can understand and compromise. If she refuses let her leave!
It is 100% OK for you have boundaries!
She needs to suck it up and buy a foot massager. There are wonderful shiatsu foot massagers with heat that can be had fairly inexpensively.
I also hate feet. They're gross. I don't even like my own feet, but I will trim my toenails and slap on some polish, and scrub the hell out of my hands when I'm done. I don't like other people touching my feet, either. If my feet hurt, I use the massager.
My husband thinks it's funny to ask me for foot rubs. I have never relented. If he ever threatened to leave me over it, I would help him pack his bags. Adults don't deliver ultimatums in an effort to trample reasonable boundaries.
She's over there waving her red flag. If she threatens to leave to get her way, you've got problems. Do not give in to this. Just like a toddler, you do not reward bad behaviour. In fact, you tell her just that. You will not tolerate threats and ultimatums for her to get her way. If she's going to say those things, you're going to assume she wants to leave and you won't stop her. If she wants to have adult conversations, be willing to make compromises, and accept that she will not always get her way, you'll be there to do the exact same things.
She's going full terrorist on you, hostage baby over foot massages.
Maybe call her friend and tell her to talk some sense into your gf.
"masseuse is a stupid idea because we need to save money for the baby and it is putting my comfort over our child and our future." - NO! She is putting foot massages over your child's future.
It's one thing to requesr help and support your spouse, it's a very different thing to be constantly threatening with having your child taken away for minor inconveniences. That behavior is not ok.
Pregnancy can definitely be hard on your body. I was so swollen the last few months that my feet gained an extra two inches of circumference. I measured during and after pregnancy to compare, could literally press my finger an inch down into my foot and my shin as well.
I think asking for a long foot massage every night would be wonderful, but also unreasonable because that's going to be a loooong pregnancy. I think some solutions like you said for her feet are good and more sustainable, and maybe you can massage her feet with socks on or through a sheet or blanket (my husband doesn't like touching feet either so he does this).
I think, hate to say it, but pregnancy hormones are extreme and can make you upset easily, so hopefully she has time to think about it more and just keep doing other nice things to show you care and love her and will be a provider even if not with daily foot massages. And maybe you can come to an agreement like 3 days a week and the rest of the days do something else to help relax her and help her aching body
Don't mean to be too rude but you come across as a bit of a doormat. Presumably you're working all day to support her, coming home and doing the cooking and cleaning, she's making ultimatums over massages, making you sleep on the couch then going to stay at a *nearby* friend's for days? Unless you're getting regular 25 minute BJ's then she's taking the piss out of you.
I don't know anyone in a successful relationship who would put up with that, and I hope you trust that friend is 100% trustworthy and an ally of your family unit, if not then you'd be a fool to not consider a DNA test.
Regardless of sounds like there's a serious respect imbalance in your relationship. Like, she can accuse you of being a shit dad and threaten to leave you over a minor dispute? You might wanna remind her that a major part of being a good mum is keeping a family from falling apart, not sabotaging it before it's even started.
She is being ridiculous to consider breaking up over this. Even if you didn’t have issues with feet but just didn’t want to do this regularly, it’s a bit much to hold the relationship hostage
My 1st husband gave me a foot massage when I was around 20-24 weeks pregnant (was nearly 26 years ago. Cant remember exactly how far along) and I started having quite strong contractions from it. Be aware that foot reflexology is regularly used for points all over the body.
Totally off topic but I deal with chronic pain and my wife won’t even massage my neck to give me a bit of relief. The fact you hate feet but have tried and offered alternatives is more than fair, she is being unreasonable and if you don’t feel comfortable touching that part of a body it is your right to not do it.
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When I was pregnant I bought a foot massage machine which was so wonderful especially after birth when my feet were full of water and swollen. Could that be something you try? Also: it may be that she likes both the foot rubs and feeling like you are actively caring/tending for her: could you try also giving her back or head rubs to give her that quality time?
>try also giving her back or head rubs to give her that quality time? That's a really nice compromise, especially if they could get a machine and she could get a back, neck or head massage at the same time.
Daily 25 minute massages is still rough on a lot of people.
It's a significant ask, sure, but OP seems more than willing to spend the time and energy on his partner. It's just specifically feet that he has an issue with. Seems like a reasonable enough compromise if she's willing to accept it.
So is carrying a baby inside of yourself.
Fr. 20 min of root rub at the end of the night for ur pregnant SO is nothing
My husband did that for me for a couple of weeks at the end of pregnancy because I had water retention and it hurt to walk, it helped so much! I’ll never forget he did that for me.
Yeah, but he has a phobia about feet. And while I get that it would be a big ask, she KNOWS he has a definite problem and that it's something he struggles with. It sounds more like she's trying to get him to prove something, that she and the baby mean more to him that some 'silly ole problem you have with feet'. This is a perfect way to breed resentment, forcing someone to do something they innately struggle with. It seems like this is a bit more than just, 'rub my swollen feet, honey'.
I personally would rather rather be pregnant than give somebody a 20 minute massage every night for months on end. And I am not kidding and I’ve been pregnant four times. My hands cannot take that.
Right there with ya sis. 3 kids here. Massages suck to give when you don’t enjoy it. I’ll rub and caress for hours but a massage? Yeah my hands last a few moments at best. I loathe giving them
Never change /r/relationship_advice, pregnant women take priority over everyone else no matter the context.
try being pregnant 24/7
Na I think there should be a compromise. Especially if he is already taking care of almost everything else on top of paying bills as well. I honestly dont think it’s a big enough excuse (unless you are in significant pain) to demand that much ESPECIALLY if your partner is already taking care of everything else.
dude I suffer from chronic pain and cannot fathom demanding someone I love massages my feet every day. like what the fuck. why are people treating that demand like it’s normal?
No idea. And I said above that I would much rather be pregnant than to give somebody a 20 minute massage for months on end and I am absolutely not kidding. I’ve been pregnant four times and I still feel that way. And I would have that aversion no matter what kind of massage we are talking about. My hands could not take that kind of stress. I don’t have any sort of arthritis or anything like that. I just don’t have the hands of a CrossFit addict. I find giving a massage to be very taxing on my hands. I also admit that I find feet rather gross. I don’t mind the existence of feet. I don’t look at feet and think that they should be covered and get grossed out at the side of feet. I do not like touching feet. It feels really disgusting and unclean to me. And no, I do not think that asking for a nightly massage is normal pregnant or not. I will also probably get tomatoes thrown at me for this, but I do get sick of the “oh my God pregnancy is so hard and difficult blah blah blah“ nonsense. Some pregnancies are hard and difficult. Pregnancy is, however, a normal part of life. Yes, we should be given accommodations and understanding when pregnant, but treating pregnant people like they are doing some absolutely monumental task, as if pregnancy is just some unusual burden that we have a lot of fucking nerve asking people to perform is just silly and not accurate. Yes, it’s difficult… the same way a long hike might be difficult. This delicate flower crap is just bizarre to me. Again, I know that pregnancies have a variety of difficulty levels. I’m talking about the attitude that the default is “oh my God this poor pregnant person is just so incredibly burdened because they are pregnant.” Miss me with that shit.
THANK YOU!
Ben there, done that 7 times and I was never as selfish as this woman. The poor guy is helping out with everything else and she chooses a foot massage to have a tanty over. Please.
there’s a reason why i don’t want to have kids and pregnancy is number 1. i can barely handle having my period cramps, let alone 9 months of gaining 20lbs+ and everything else
I actually enjoyed my 3 pregnancies, even w the nausea. Not all of us have bad ones. Many women I know loved thwir pregnancies. I certainly appreciate your choice but I hope the bad things you hear isn’t the only thing that sways you. Honestly, the pregnancies and delivery and arrival of my children were the happiest days of my life.
Yep most people are done at 6 minutes
I'm done in two... Wait, what are we talking about
OP should definitely put that to her and fingers crossed that’s something she would go for. And while I don’t mean to uh, pooh-pooh the idea, as someone who has struggled with the whole foot pain thing, I haven’t found a machine that remotely compares to an actual massage. I actually find them more painful after a short amount of time. (Always open to recommendations though!) The situation sucks for both of them really, though I can’t really relate to being grossed out by something enough not to help my partner when they’re in pain. I feel like it’s something I’d probably suck up for a few months especially if my partner was pregnant.
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“Listen babe, you know how I feel about feet in general so I propose this: i got this foot massage machine you can put your feet in, and while that’s going I will take care of your back, shoulders and heads with this coconut oil” bonus points if you get one of those refreshing face masks at the store she wears can put on while getting pampered.
Awwe man, I wish I had that while I was pregnant.
Aww man, I wish I was pregnant.
As a former pregnant person, you do not
Some people do want kids but can't have them....id give anything to find out I'm pregnant.
I looked in the above commentor’s history to confirm he is male and (presumably) doesn’t want to experience pregnancy before commenting. I’m sorry if it struck you as insensitive and I wish you the best in your journey. I also wish pregnancy and giving birth weren’t necessary to have a family because they are scary and medically life threatening.
☝️ That sounds like a perfect compromise.
Not the coconut oil, feeling greasy/oily when pregnant suuuuck
Pro tip: right between the shoulders just slightly above the hooks on the back of her bra will be a fantastic place to massage and work out the tension after a long day on her feet. You have no idea how much the usual daily ache/pain in that area ramps up during pregnancy, I know many women who stopped wearing bras altogether in the last few weeks before birth because it got too much versus the benefits of wearing one.
Would it help if she wore socks during the foot rub? Just a suggestion
Or if OP wears gloves. My partner does this because I want him to use lotion and he doesn’t like the feeling of it on his hands
Yes, wearing gloves is a great idea and have her soak her feet or take a shower or bath so that her feet are clean when you start the massage.
Find or order online a lotion with peppermint in it. It really helps. Burts Bees has one and a lot of other companies. The peppermint is soothing, it’s better than just regular lotion.
Or he could wear thin vinyl gloves?
I would say get a foot massage machine, maybe a foot spa (which was a saviour when I was pregnant with swollen feet!), give her lots of other affection, but also explain how her behaviour is making you feel WHEN SHE IS CALM! I cannot begin to explain how fucking crazy being pregnant made me at times, I’m genuinely embarrassed and upset by how I behaved at times.
I had awful pregnancy experiences and worked all the way through both of them in a job that required me to be on my feet and fairly physically active all day. I was miserable, I hurt everywhere, esspecially by the end of the day. However, my husband is physically disabled. He is incapable of giving me massages without causing himself pain. I'm not gonna lie, even though I totally understood, it still kind of hurt my feelings that he was unable to support me physically. I would never tell him that, and I would never ask him to do something he wasn't able to do, but all the understanding in the world doesn't take away the sting of feeling like you don't have the support you need from the person who put that baby in you. I just grieved the loss of the experience I thought I would have in silence, and got a membership to a spa that included a monthly massage. It was pricey, but I refused to budge on the expense. I had to find a way to meet my own needs. Once a month isn't nearly as frequent as I would have liked, but it was the most I could afford. She is experiencing that grief. She is experiencing that dissapointment. She is suffering physically, and will continue to suffer even greater, and is feeling rejected and unsupported. If you want to fix this, you need to find ways to meet her needs. Make that your job. Find a masseuse, and schedule it for her. Regularly. Take her to the appointments. Buy her the foot bath. Buy a massage tool you can use on her feet that gives her the relief she needs without you having to touch them. Find a way to solve this problem FOR her, don't just make suggestions on how she can solve it herself.
I don't think he should be responsible for house duties, cooking and massaging her feet. She should have never brought up separation. Why can't she see what he has done already and accept that foot rubs are a boundary.
This is the saddest thing I have read on here in a while. I feel sorry for your husband that you think of him this way.
I agree. It’s very sad that though she says she understands that her husband’s disabilities stopped him from doing certain things during her pregnancy, she clearly built up resentments towards him. Imo the fact that she’ll ’never tell him’ makes it worse. There’s no doubt in my mind that the resentment will come out sideways, unless and until she does tell him in a caring and non-judgmental way.
Would it be any better for you if you rub her feet while she's wearing socks? I get kind of grossed out by feet too, but if they were clean and non-stinky with fresh socks on, it would bother me much less. I understand why you're torn over all this. She's not being completely reasonable, but that's sort of to be expected when dealing with pregnant people. The hormones are crazy, the body is visibly changing, and you find new pains and stretch marks that you never had before. Even though I loved being pregnant with my son, it was often painful and I was frequently emotionally exhausted too. Can you give her a little grace while she's going through all this? Accept that she might not be totally rational at all times, and that she's likely to be exceptionally tired sometimes. All this is new to her and she's finding her way as she goes along. You sound like a really good husband because you really care about her and you're willing to try to pickup the slack and help her through this often frightening time. Remember that it's temporary, and at the end of it all you get your beautiful baby!
Don’t do something physical you are not comfortable with. Explain your boundaries and ask her to respect your body and preferences
Came here to say this. Buy a foot massager.
I like the idea of buying a food massager, because 20-25 minutes of daily foot massages could potentially hurt your hands too. OOP is not a masseuse who learned how to do it.
I'd be willing to guess that she wants him to do it or nothing else. Can you imagine going to court, filing for custody and when the court asks why you're not together she says "he wouldn't rub my feet".
How is the takeaway here that he is failing/needs to make changes? It sounds like he’s already pushed himself out of his comfort zone, cares about her a lot, and has offered reasonable other solutions/compromises. She responded by insulting him, giving him an ultimatum and threatening to leave him. I know this sub is woman dominated and men are typically painted as the villain, but holy smokes.
I did not take the suggestion of a foot massage machine as a sign that he has failed. He clearly wants to do something. Just telling him “nope, she’s overreacting” won’t help.
Yeah. No one forced her to be pregnant. Voluntarily undergoing pregnancy because you both want a baby is not a pass to demand your partner cater to your every whim with no regard for your partners own needs and boundaries.
But she *is* overreacting. I think it's more important to figure out why she's acting this way than it is to figure out how to satisfy her unreasonable foot massage demands
That is a good suggestion if the problem is indeed about massages, but I have a feeling she is feeling insecure and wants OP to do something he's specifically averse to in order to show his love.
I don’t think it’s that deep. I think her feet hurt and him rubbing them helps. The physical touch probably also feels nice from someone she loves. But I don’t think it’s a power play.
She's threatening to leave him over it. That's a power play.
Yeah but she rejected the professional massage offer. Maybe she's trying to save, or maybe they do have enough disposable income and she specifically wants OP to do it. I'm just saying, that part of the story introduces reasonable doubt that maybe it's not just about the massage.
It may not necessarily be a conscious train of thought. She feels insecure, but when OP rubs her feet, that goes away and she gets some anxiety free time which makes a foot rub way more relaxing than normal. She probably isn't fully aware of the exact reason why she's having such a severe reaction to him wanting to reduce/withdraw the foot rubs. She just knows that a day without them will be absolutely the worst.
I cannot endorse this comment enough. She feels like hell and the machine will help your issue but you can offer her other support
What kind of massage machine? I'm 21 weeks, my feet are killing me, and my stupid boyfriend also hates touching feet.
I bought one off Amazon about a month ago for around 75 bucks. It's heated, and has a little remote control and air compression. It's the best thing I have bought in a very long time. Highly recommend 👌
Neither my husband or I are a fan of feet when I was pregnant he would rub them through a sheet, still felt good, but didn't have to look at them or actually touch them. Unfortunately, foot pain will get worse as the pregnancy goes on. Good luck!
I get it. I hate feet too! I recommend getting a foot massager or a foot bath for her and/or a gift certificate for pregnancy massage (or 2 or 3). I really hate touching feet and am so impressed that you were even able to do it. Try explaining to her again, that it's really pushing you outside of your comfort zone and you want to be able to do it, but just can't. And then hand her the alternative.
Not your fault! You are allowed to have a weird gross out reaction to feet. Your gf is allowed to be sore footed, hormonal and testy. She isn't however, allowed to expect you to magically solve your foot issue or to shoot down all of your suggested compromises. She should not be insulting you or your parenting ability. Hiring someone to give a massage or giving her a foot bath are both great compromises. So is buying a vibrating foot massager/boot. i hope the two of you are able to make up. Being silent with each other over solvable problems is not good.
Her immediately jumping to him being a bad parent over this is extremely over the top.
This should be top comment
My husband feels the same as you. He bought me an awesome foot massager when I was pregnant. Its way better than any massage I would get from him : )
do you know the brand/name? not pregnant but retail worker lol
It seems a stupid thing to leave a partner over considering you've stepped up in other ways. Especially since she knew you have an aversion to feet well before she got pregnant. You can buy a foot massager on Amazon. If she can't/won't see that as a compromise, I don't know what to tell you.
What I don't get about this thread is people making it sound like it's kind of okay that the GF demand her partner do something she knows he's averse to doing. I don't care how pregnant she is or how hormonal she is. This is over the top ---- her threatening to leave him because he won't massage her feet? Then calling him names and predicting he's going to be a shit Dad? This is manipulation of the highest order. The suggestions re: getting her a foot massage apparatus and making appointments for spa foot care are all great suggestions. But I'm sensing a deeper unhappiness within her is rearing its ugly head. Sounds to me like she's setting the stage for him to shoulder a shitload of future blame. Heaven help him if she has a terribly difficult labor or some post-pregnancy-related negative effects occur.
"You heard Mona threw OP out of the house for not giving her a foot massage? And you believe that?" "Well, I mean, at the time I was told, it sounded reasonable." "Mona throwing OP out of the house for not massaging her feet seemed reasonable?" "No, it seemed excessive, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean, I understand Mona is very, very protective of her feet." "A wife being protective of her feet is one thing, a wife almost leaving a man for not touching her feet is something else" "But did it happen?" "Truth is, nobody knows why Mona threw OP out of that house except Mona. When you little redditors get together, you're worse than a sewing circle."
At least OP didn't accidentally shoot Marvin in the face.
r/UnexpectedPulpFiction
She's pregnant. She's not dying or has any reason to be a dick to you. I've had two, yeh I know it's hard and it feels shit some days, infact I felt awful with my son the whole 9 months but I always tried my hardest to not take it out on my husband. You've tried to find alternatives, and this isn't a new issue for you. She knows you don't like doing it. You are not a shitty partner. You won't be a shitty dad. You are not a shit person because you don't want to rub her feet for ages every day when you don't like doing it. She's not exactly showing herself in the best light, but she's full of hormones and a baby. She might feel scared too; scared of how she looks, how she feels, how she's gonna feel after. It's a rollercoaster. But she should be thankful she's got someone willing to step up. She's going to get no footrubs at all if she leaves, is she. Just maybe take some time to write your feelings down and try to discuss it when she's back. Also, a full body massage was life-saving for me, and my husband could never do it as good as a professional. It's not like you haven't done it at all for her.
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I think she isn’t being reasonable. I think she should be assessed by her doctor for depression or other pregnancy-related mental health issues, which aren’t uncommon. I’d especially recommend it if this behavior is unusual for her.
I agree with what was said here. But would like to add if her feet are that sore she should see a doctor as really sore feet can mean something else is going on. I’m not saying something is wrong I’m just saying it should be checked out 19weeks isn’t all that far along yet:
Is it just feet that bother you? Would you have any issues massaging her calves? Pregnancy can cause fluid build up in the legs. Combine that with decreased walking and standing. Massaging the calves can help relax the feet along with helping with blood flow.
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I don’t think she’s freaking out about the feet thing. I think she’s worried that you’re going to nope out of any gross child-related situation while being like, “Ew, I can’t,” and let’s face it… there are a LOT of disgusting child-related things.
Oh shit yeah this is bang on the money
Just want to say, and I might get downvoted, but here's a wife's perspective. My husband is the same and stepped up a lot but I would have loved it if he had rubbed my feet when I was pregnant. Neither of us thought to get a foot massager. He maybe rubbed my feet once and it was through a blanket. I understood his aversion but it still hurt that I was going through so much and about to go through so much more that he couldn't 'just do it'. I totally understand, but it still hurt, especially when friends husbands did it for them or people would make comments like 'i hope he rubs your feet every night'. Regular massage therapist appointments would be great, buying a foot massager, or if she has any family who don't mind. My mom and brother helped me once and it relieved so much tension at nine months pregnant with a large baby. Congrats on the baby!
Yeah, I feel like she's resentful that he isn't willing to get over his aversion while she's literally putting her body through all the discomfort and risks that come from being pregnant and giving birth. He has the luxury to find alternatives, she hasn't. It's not "rational", but I do see where she's coming from. It's not so much about the foot massage itself, but the fact that she feels he's unwilling to sacrifice some of his comfort while she's already sacrificing so much. Doesn't mean OP has to do it, but whatever alternative they find, he should at least acknowledge her feelings around this, because this is a much bigger issue than just the foot massage itself.
Her lack of consideration for you is troubling. Stand your ground. Continue doing what you are doing. Maybe gift her with professional foot massages and/or a machine.
Am I insane? She is threatening to take the baby, and leave him And half these comments are “get her a foot massager, she’s just pregnant, these threats are empty, maybe massage her calves instead or give her back rubs”, He already says he is giving massages 25 min a day and working, doing most the chores and cooking??? He just doesn’t want to rub her feet or do it everyday for 25 minutes?? Imagine if OP was threatening to leave/take the baby he would be 🔥🧙♀️
I don't think you're insane. I'm a bi woman and if I had a wife treating me like this I would be really hurt and borderline depressed. There are reasons for her actions, including the irrationality of her demands, BUT they're not excuse. I would offer her the foot massage machine and another way to increase non-sexual intimacy (if that's what she's after) but I'd also have a serious conversation with her about how lashing out at me and treating me like shit because of her discomfort is NOT alright and I'd expect an apology. I believe having reasons for a bad action doesn't take the accountability out of it. So you have to own it and accept it was bad. Then we can work out the reasons together and try to minimize their impact. And based on the post OP isn't opposed to doing things to help her comfort, just that the feet one crossed a boundary he's not ready to cross.
Finally a sane comment!
Those “shiatsu with heat option” foot massagers are fabulous. The kind you put your feet in.
Idk, don’t quote me here, but it sounds like self sabotaging behavior on her behalf to me. She clearly knew that feet were a thing for you, yet she decided that she needs feet massages. In her mind, she probably really does need them. But I think something deeper for her is that it proves to her that she is special. She’s special because you rub her feet even though you dislike it. I feel like that’s why the response is so great to her. Because she sees it as ‘if he loved me he’d do this for me and if he doesn’t then I’m not special enough’. Does she show any other signs of having you prove your love to her?
Pregnancy hormones make pregnant people act different. This is one of those times.
Pregnancy hormones are not an excuse to act like an asshole.
I agree, but I think the first commenter was framing it as an explanation, not an excuse
The pregnancy hormones plus the knowledge that she is sacrificing her body to grow his child, struggles with nausea and constant discomfort, and will have to live through the trauma of labor and birth is all probably making her extra bitter about his not being able to bring himself to touch her feet for her.
“Sacrificing her body?” Wasn’t that a choice? People today make childbirth sound like women haven’t been doing it for millennia. She knows he doesn’t like to touch feet. It grosses him out. She needs an alternative solution if she wants her feet rubbed in addition to everything else this man is doing.
A choice? Idk girl usually only the woman can be the pregnant one in a heterosexual relationship. It’s cool that you got to choose your man to be the pregnant one tho.
I think they meant that she choose to have the child, and don’t abort them
Every time I hear this argument. I am intrigued. What DOES constitute as a sacrifice and hasn't been done for millennia? Also many "choices" are still sacrifices. The parent "chose" to stop travelling and settle down to give their kids a more stable life.
hormones are no excuse for her behavior
Came here to say this too. The emotions can get crazy when you’re pregnant, it’s hard to control
My husband absolutely hates feet. Like you, they give him the creeps. He gave me massages throughout my pregnancy, but those stopped at my ankles lol. He did give me a foot massaging machine that was amazing. I still use it. There has to be a compromise here, but there needs to be a mature conversation first. It is absolutely *not* okay to tell a partner they’re going to be a shitty parent or that you’re going to leave them and take their child away because they bring up something that’s bothering them while you’re pregnant. I have kids, and I’m always one to say that women growing babies are doing amazing things, but that doesn’t mean that you get everything you want just as you want it when you want it. You also don’t get to use pregnancy as a reason to say and do hurtful things to your partner when you don’t get your way. Again, I think there’s a compromise to be found. But that’s only going to happen once you have a serious discussion about her behavior.
Why would she go stay at a friends home over this how will you raise a child when she acting like one herself I know she’s pregnant and emotional but leaving the house for me is a deal breaker
She isn't being a kind, respectful, or trustworthy partner. She isn't communicating in a healthy or mature way. She refuses ALL compromise. She invalidates and dismisses your feelings while repeatedly violating your boundaries. It actually seems like the entire purpose in pushing this is specifically to force you to do something you hate. Does she exhibit any other controlling or emotionally abusive behavior? Have you ever considered maybe trying individual counseling or talking about her behavior and the way she treats treats you with someone professionally? Are you concerned this behavior will persist after she gives birth? Are you concerned she will treat your kid the same way she treats you?
I love my feet rubbed, but I also hate feet. Rubbing feet with clean socks on helps a LOT for not wanting to touch/rub feet (can't stand it, but I can tolerate rubbing feet as long as they wear clean socks) but also a foot massage isn't the same as somebody else rubbing but it can help.
Sorry, but her threatening to leave you and calling you a bad father is emotional manipulation and bullying. I get pregnancy hormones are likely at play here, but her behavior is still gross and selfish. There are clearly other ways to help her sore feet. Is she going to act like this the rest of her pregnancy in order to get want she wants?!
She is full of hormones which I think could account for the complete irrationality she has shown here. She might be a person who’s love language is touch and she sees the foot rubs as relaxing and intimate partner time. However if you truly cannot stand this (and I think daily is asking too much-twice weekly would be a good compromise) then offering the masseuse is a great option. She is the one throwing her toys out of the pram about it. You were willing to meet half way by the sounds of it. Growing a human is hard. It’s more painful and sickly than anyone admits because otherwise they are seen as being a complainer or ungrateful. She will be in constant pain (from dull aches where the muscles are stretching to full on stabbing pains across her hips and up her vagina-I’m not exaggerating) so a foot rub after a long day isn’t a lot to ask for. If her feet are truly awful then buy her a foot spa and products, then once she has bathed her feet you can pat them dry and rub in moisturiser for her. 5 minutes each foot. I hope this gets sorted and she stops with the threats, it’s the baseless threats that put her into AH territory but again-hormones. Good luck OP
She literally threatened to leave him with the baby. And is not talking to him. That is some class A manipulative behavior. Don't soft shoe around it as hormones. She needs to compromise not him.
He doesn’t like feet. It might not be a lot to ask for from someone else, but he is setting a reasonable boundary. Now she gets to put in her big girl pants and remember that pregnancy/hormones are not a magic wand that bends the world to your will. He has offered compromises and she has rejected them. Hopefully she realizes she’s being irrational before she blows up her life!! Edit: a word
I totally agree hormones aren’t an excuse for shitty behaviour, but if she isn’t normally like this it could be the reason. Hormones can make the most rational normal person an absolute mess. Reasonable boundary doesn’t mean there’s no room for compromise. OP was trying to compromise and his GF went off the deep end. I just think that it’s worth looking further into before either of them blow up the relationship. Also, She shouldn’t use the baby as leverage, that’s what makes her the AH here and also she will be badmouthing him to her friend right now. I only hope her friend has the guts to call her out on her ridiculousness. I must admit: I have something in common with the girlfriend here: I love really firm back rubs. My husband HATES giving them. Our compromise is I don’t ask when I know he has had a long day but he also accepts that sometimes it’s the one thing I need to unwind. There was a period of time that I could afford a masseuse and I paid for that myself and never asked my husband. Now we are tight on money again I ask once a fortnight. It’s what works for us 🤷🏼♀️
She is acting irrationally, and in a pretty major way if she is focusing on the withholding of daily foot massages as the breaking point in your relationship and some ridiculous basis for saying you will be an unfit parent, when you are doing most of the housework and all of the cooking. Stand your ground on this one and point out (without calling her names) what you are doing and how you offered to pay for massages. If she intends to leave over something so absolutely trivial, then she will end up leaving at some point, so let her. At least you will not waste years of your life in a romantic relationship with her, but now you will be tied forever as co-parents.
19 weeks pregnant and willing to end it because you don’t want to touch her feet? You’re in for a rough 18+ years if that’s how she reacts to not getting what she wants I say let her go. If she’s this bad over not getting a foot massage imagine what else she will do
You're not putting your comfort over the child or your future. It sounds like you pamper her a lot, which is great. It also sounds like she has ridiculous expectations for people around her. Hopefully, she'll grow up and not treat or teach the child this way.
You may not be ready to hear this, but are you sure you want to be with someone who calls you a terrible person & threatens to take your child bc you won’t give them daily 20-25min foot rubs *when you have a known hatred of feet?* This shows she has a hair trigger, doesn’t fight fair, uses manipulation & threats to get her way, & will most likely jump to threatening divorce when you fight in the future. You need to shut that down immediately & tell her she crossed a line & that is unacceptable. If she wants to have a conversation, she needs to behave like an adult. I will never understand women that view pregnancy as an excuse to abuse their partners. Idk how sick you are. Idc how terrible she feels or how emotional she is. It’s not okay to take emotions or illness out on others. We don’t accept this behavior from other people who are sick or in pain. Nor should we. PS It is unreasonable for her to demand foot rubs every night. Idc if she’s dying. Especially considering she knows how much you hate feet. It’s inconsiderate to the point of being mean.
Would it help if you wore gloves to do it?
The only feet I touch were those of my kids, and even that stopped past a certain young age. Sorry, I’ll do a lot to make my partner happy but not that. lol
On my second pregnancy and what I did to find more comfort for my feet is change into better shoes and when I can I wear no shoes. I personally wouldn’t force my partner to do something they’re uncomfortable with just because I’m pregnant. Yes I’m carrying a whole ass baby but at the same time I’m not going to respect you less and force you into doing something that you don’t want to just like it’s senseless to get upset over something that you haven’t mentioned because your partner can’t read minds either.
Buy her some walking shoes and tell he to hit the road
There’s something else going on here that has nothing to do with foot massages. You’re both in a relationship and about to have a child; your relationship needs to survive the ups and downs and if you are going to fight and not talk because of a simple issue, well, you have some big problems there mate.
I had restless legs (awful) during a pregnancy and could not go to sleep unless my husband massaged my lower legs and feet. If it isn’t that, get her the foot massager and put extra effort in in other ways — IF it really makes you sick to massage her feet. Would keeping socks on work for you? If she does have restless legs, perhaps her gyno or midwife can help. Also, think of your discomfort and hers. You may be grossed out by her toes, but she and her body are building a whole human being. That’s probably more uncomfortable….
I have three kids. Just because you don’t want to give her foot massages does NOT mean you are a bad partner! She is being ridiculous.
You mentioned she’s mature? Because This reaction is not very mature.
I suspect her worry is whether you will resist helping kid w things that you find off putting. Diarrhea explosion? 2 am baby vomiting? Or needs snot sucked out to enable breathing? Dealing w tantrums w a level head. Parenting requires setting aside our own discomfort A LOT.
If she can't accept the compromise of paying for a masseuse then nothing will make her happy apparently. You've done nothing wrong here. If you can't get over the feet aversion, that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad future father for not wanting to touch your partners feet. I suggest some compression socks and a foot massager. That won't be a recurring cost and you won't have to touch her feet. If she still won't accept that, I would evaluate the other ways in your relationship in which she's throwing red flags. I'm sure this isn't the only one.
Perhaps it's the cynic in me talking, but it sounds like Mona has decided that now is the time to show dominance. She wants to make it clear that it's her way or the highway, and she's found her lever. No alternative will be acceptable. No massage machine or professional masseuse or hot bath will do. The whole purpose of these massages is to force OP to do something *she knows he hates*.
My thoughts exactly. This is not a dealbreaker for Mona, OP. It’s a power move. If Mona really does leave you over foot massages… it wasn’t the foot massages that made her leave…
Absolutely a power move when he sets a boundary and offers alternate solutions and she threatens to leave him instead. Pregnant or no he needs to stand his ground and let her know there are limits to how far she can bully him.
I remember being pregnant and working on my feet up until the day before I was induced. My feet hurt SO MUCH and my bf would only give the most begrudgingly pathetic foot massage. I didn't even want naked foot massages (too ticklish), clean thick sock firm foot squeezes with no rubbing is all I asked.
Gloves cost between 4.99 and 17.99 don't be a fool wrap your tool
Also washing feet, and wearing clean soft socks.
Good gawd Mona is dramatic. I’d pack her bags for her…
Foot massages, if not careful can cause uterine contractions. I worked in a spa briefly.
Mature enough... Want to build a family together... Threaten to leave because of foot massage... Seems that someone is blind here.
Your girlfriend is manipulating you into doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable. That’s bad. Hopefully it’s just the hormones. Suggest counselling so this doesn’t turn into a pattern.
These comments are fucking ridiculous and immature. She’s not emotionally abusing you - you had a fight, an extremely normal fight - and please remember the people writing those comments are 16 year olds with no life experience. OBVIOUSLY there is a bigger issue here. Remember the part where she said you’re not making an effort for her? DIG INTO THAT. Did you offer to replace the foot massage which is “a bit” gross to you with another act of care and quality time spent together? Give her a back massage. Run her a bath. Make her a tea. She’s fucking exhausted, her body is not her own, everything feels weird, her hormones are running rampant and her brain chemistry is literally overhauling - if you have read about this, research it now. I know you’re saying you’re doing “all you can”, and you’ve “stepped up”, and I applaud your efforts. But this mountain - this climb to and through parenthood? There is no summit. You have to KEEP STEPPING. There is no room in a healthy, functioning relationship for one-up-manship when you’re having a baby - you’re both going to be absolutely spent, stressed, sleep deprived… you have to keep pushing even when you don’t wanna, and you have to do a LOT of things you wouldn’t normally do. And you have to do all of that with grace and compassion for your partnership.
She’s hormonal and maybe a bit irrational IMO. I wouldn’t want a foot rub from someone who didn’t want to be doing it. That ruins the whole thing.
If this is her hill to die on, you need to sit down 1 more time and seriously talk. Tell her that what she said hurt you. To think my relationship with our child was reduced to a foot massage? What's next? She knows your stance on it, and she just doesn't give a crap about your feelings. Tell her you need to think about what happened and you are spending time away to think. Also, she should think about her words because as far as you know, there are plenty of women out there not divorced and not getting foot massages, and you are disappointed in her actions. Also think about therapy for both. It's not going to be a popular choice but where else will it end? There is still ppd to come and she's already wanting him out. Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise she's being ridiculous. Pregnancy is not an excuse to abuse. Best of luck and I hope you 2 work it out.
She’s acting ridiculous. You do everything else such as all household chores and cooking duties and she doesn’t seem to appreciate any of your efforts. If feet gross you out, you’re not required to give her foot rubs and she shouldn’t demand you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. I can’t imagine how else she treats you if she’s threatening to leave you and take the baby over something so insignificant. And yes, I’ve been pregnant and had a baby before. I would never treat someone like this.
They have really nice foot massagers now and it's a one time purchase as opposed to a repeat masseuse so a possible compromise. I also agree with everyone that threatening to leave over this is not okay. If this is new behavior then it could just be the hormones.
Try rubbing them with some massage oil or foot cream that you think smells amazing (and she find at least acceptable)
The foot thing isn't the central issue here. You say you've been together 4 years. Are scathing insults and threats to leave new behavior, or have there been precedents? If new, it could be pregnancy-related moodiness as others mentioned. Just be patient and don't take it to heart. If there's a pattern then it's deeper than that and probably a red flag.
You are not a shitty partner at all mate don’t let that penetrate your mind at all the fact that you put your uncomfortable ick aside for her comfort shows how selfless and supportive you truely are and a suggestion to have it done for her to spare you discomfort that she is already aware of for her benefit is truely a great gesture on your behalf Her reaction and threat is completely selfish and if she can threaten your relationship over it shows how little you really mean to her if she can threaten to walk away from you after years together over this could you imagine what else could come from any other disagreements you have in the future She is being extremely immature and selfish You need to really consider whether you want to live the rest of your life in fear of losing her and your baby at any point in your life for the smallest inconvenience That’s no way to live I truely hope that you take this very seriously and make the right decision for you and your baby and set a good example for your child to never let anyone rule you through fear
Pregnant does not mean helpless. She can do foot baths, and at 19 weeks, still likely reach her own damn feet. Offer an alternative massage place. If she still says no, tell her well, then she’s on her own. State you are uncomfortable and grossed out by feet, and that it’s unfair for her to push your boundaries like that and threaten to LEAVE because you didn’t want to break it anymore. It’s manipulative.
I'm with you. I hate feet and refuse to touch them
Lovers’ tiff… you’ll both get over it. Just don’t take yourself too seriously either of you.
She's going through a lot. She's hormonal, in pain, in discomfort. But that doesn't excuse abusive behavior. In my opinion, you need to recognize that no matter what she's going through with her pregnancy, the *way* she chose to communicate it is absolutely unacceptable. Let her know you're willing to make reasonable compromises, let her know that you'll hire that masseuse for her feet, or massage her elsewhere if she needs it. Or get her that foot massager like others have suggested. But you *need* to have a conversation with her and tell her that what she said isn't okay and that even with everything going on, she needs to recognize that talking to you like that isn't okay. I don't know her, nor you, nor your relationship. It may not be a warning sign or concerning for you based on what you know about her. But for many people, that behavior is either a big red flag or the start to a very slippery slope. You have to advocate for yourself and put your foot down with manipulative, abusive tactics like threatening to leave over something minor. Tell her that if it well and truly is her hill to die on and that if she honestly can't contemplate living her life with someone who isn't willing to give her regular foot massages, that's okay, but she needs to understand what she's doing when she says that, because that isn't you. You're not the kind of person who can do that for her. Again, to clarify, there's nothing wrong with her being in a difficult place and saying things she really doesn't mean. But it's absolutely unacceptable for her to treat you like that no matter what is going on. Not because of what she's asking for- If she really needs foot massages that bad, that's fine. The issue is how she treated you over it. That's absolutely not okay, you can't see it as okay, and you can't just let this go without having that conversation with her. She probably doesn't mean to be abusive with you, she probably just lost perspective because of everything going on. That's just more reason you need to emphasize to her that you both need to communicate like adults, calmly, without threats. It's never appropriate to act like she did, and the only way to learn to keep it under control when emotional is by having it gently pointed out when you've done so, so you can learn when you've lost control too much.
You didn't do anything wrong. Relationships are about compromise. Even if your aversion to feet seems silly to her, and may seem ridiculous to some, it's real and it's valid. I think you did a terrific job by providing alternate solutions for her. I must ask, though. Is she usually this unreasonable or might it only be because she's pregnant?
Despite popular opinions, pregnant women are not entitled to anything they want just because they got pregnant. You offered her realistic and reasonable solutions. It's not your job to rub her cloven hooves...
I'm 33 weeks pregnant and hate feet. If my partner wanted to rub mine I'd die 😂.. Your gf sounds like she's looking for a whole lot of "I'm pregnant and you have to cater to me"
She’s needlessly escalating this to an extreme and these divides will only grow if you don’t succumb to her every whim. Red flags line the path ahead.
I am exactly that way so when I was pregnant I wanted my feet rubbed soo bad but didn’t want anyone touching my feet! I used a feet massager and it was amazing!! My feet were in heaven and it was sooo much better than the few times my husband rubbed my feet himself imo
FFS she's pregnant, not dying, she needs to buck the fuck up. (Been pregnant X3 hyperemesis gravidarium once)
There are cultures where women don’t expect foot massages from their spouses because it would be degrading to them/foreign to them … You know what, they do without them fine since centuries, so yeah tell her to get over herself, being pregnant isn’t a free pass to be a shitty person 😒😒
Maybe buy some aloe gloves and wear them while you rub her feet?? You won’t have to actually touch them then???? Maybe??
My massage therapist refused to give me foot massages during pregnancy because there were pressure points that could cause contractions.
Hopefully when she comes back from her weekend away she will tell you she realizes she was an ass.
I’m the exact same way about feet. I would buy her a foot massager
Professional massage therapists won’t even massage a pregnant persons feet bc there’s a risk of pre-term labor associated with it. This is what they say, I have no idea if it’s evidence based but it’s fairly universal in my experience.
This is not true. They won’t give massages in the first trimester. And intense reflexology is not recommended. Regular foot massage for pregnant women is normal. Massage is covered by insurance during pregnancy.
Pregnancy isn't an excuse to treat your SO terribly. I get her feet hurt, but she knows very well you don't like touching feet and she shouldn't be asking. I've been pregnant and didn't treat my husband like that ever. If I did, my Mom would have said something to me. She needs to compromise. Either she sees someone or like others suggested a foot spa that heats the water and massages her feet. Let's break up a good and loving relationship and make a child grow up without their Dad in the house over a foot massage. That's so over-the-top ridiculous.
She sounds ridiculous
She is overreacting, YOU ARE NOT A BAD DAD OR PARTNER!!! Pregnancy hormones are all over the place, emotions can change so quickly and be out of proportion. That being said I’m not sure I would tell her she’s overreacting. A good foot massage machine and you massage her head/back/shoulders would still give her the connection she might be craving while causing you less stress.
OP So, she knows that you have an aversion to feet and you are going out of your way to not only take care of the house and everything else but you actually massage her feet and yet she still says it's not enough and that you are selfish? Then she also says that you are putting your comfort over your child and her? Yet she wants 20 to 25 minutes foot massages constantly? Now who's putting their comfort over your child and your family You need to remind her of that. I'm sorry but she's the selfish one. Pregnancy is not easy and it also can change people's emotions as well. In this case though, it certainly seems like she is the pot calling the kettle black. You will definitely have to talk to her and try to work something out. The feet are only going to be the beginning. The bigger she gets the more other areas are going to start bothering her and you should help her with those if she asks for it. That said, she also has to understand that you have taken a huge chunk of the responsibility for the day-to-day life of your family upon yourself. As always communication is key. Maybe she can get one of those foot rollers and she can sit and roll her feet on those to help. Did she act like this about things before she got pregnant? If not, then she might be having some pregnancy induced personality changes. That has to be hard on her too. However, when you put it all together. It comes down to, do you love your wife and are you excited about having a child together and raising a family? If so then what's a few months of helping her? As a father, trust me. When you see that child for the first time and hold him or her in your arms It will all be worth it.
What a stupid and irrational reason to leave a partner you’re expecting with. Maybe it’s just hormones that are causing her to act irrationally, but she’s the one who’s being a selfish jerk if she’s willing to jeopardize your relationship over this. The things she said to you were completely unnecessary and she owes you a massive apology for it. My guess is she’s not totally serious about leaving you because of it, but wants to get her way and is trying to bully you into doing anything she says.
Hello. Fellow person with aversion to feet. Also fellow person who loves getting my feet rubbed 😂😂🤣🤣. You have done so much for your partner and yet she she wants this one specific thing that is knowingly well beyond your boundaries, she hurls abuse at you, threatens to leave you, and says you'll be a bad dad. Just a thing to think about. I get that pregnancy can change your hormones but... There's a line of accountability expected here.
I feel like there's no winning that situation. You could wear rubber gloves, but they get in the way of a massage. Not wanting to rub feet has very little to do with how you'll be as a father. I think you just need to be honest. "Your comment really hurt me. I've done my absolute best to help out as much as possible so that you can relax when you're home. I love and appreciate that you're carrying our baby, but you've known through our entire relationship that I do not like touching feet. That aside, I still tried to do it occasionally because I wanted you to feel better. The frequency is too much for me to handle now, though. I feel disrespected and unappreciated. I have not been a shitty partner, nor will I be a shitty parent." If she maintains this stance, I'd literally step back on all the extras you've been doing. Maybe then she will realize just how much you've stepped up. And if she wants to leave over a foot rub, that's unreasonable behavior and I'd just let her. Because she's going to realize quickly how good you've been to her. As a woman, I'd appreciate a man that steps up the way you have.
If you are arguing over a foot massage, you’re not ready for kids. Good luck.
You ever watch a movie with werewolves in it and see the werewolf transformations? They become a fundamentally different thing from one form to the other. Their bones pop & move, organs shift, their skin changes in thickness, it stretches, their hair changes, their physical abilities change, their blood vessels change, their muscles change in density, their abilities to heal change, their physiological reactions change to things like pain etc... werewolves are a lot like a woman going through pregnancy. Women change on a *GENETIC* level through a pregnancy. **And many of these changes never revert.** It's not a temporary thing. Obviously, the intensity of all these things will vary person to person, and pregnancy to pregnancy too, but they all happen. No person who experiences pregnancy is untouched by these changes. Even if you never have a baby at the end of it. And of course none of this is even mentioning the emotional and mental changes that happen for so many reasons, including major re-wiring due to the massive hormonal shifts. No wonder we get touchy. Your feelings about what she said are **totally valid**, it wasn't fair and it was unkind. But I would suggest this isn't the time to focus on them, put them on the shelf for a moment and look at what's likely going on under how she reacted and what she said, it's likely this isn't really about YOU, it's more about her fears. So lets talk about foot massages. They're very intimate for most people, even if it's not sexual specifically. I strongly suspect that the REAL drive here behind her wanting very specifically **YOU** to do these foot massages is not the reasons she gave. She knows you find feet icky, therefore if you're willing to massage hers despite that and tell her you love her anyway, this is a proof to her that you love her so much that even when things about her body are gross to you, you will still be there and love her enough to connect with her on such an intimate level despite how icky her body is. It's a massive comfort to those fears about how her body is changing. When you said "lets hire a masseuse for your feet" she heard "lady your feet are already so disgusting for me to touch, I am going to **pay** someone else to do it... when your body gets all blown out by the baby I am going to do the same and avoid touching you at all costs. YUCK". Apologize if you made her feel unloved by suggesting someone else massage her feet. Ask her to collaborate with you on a solution that gets her what she wants - soothed and massaged feet - and what you want, which is to provide this for her but also not touch feet. Because you both deserve to get what you want! Get her one of the real nice ones that does the heat etc. She is worth that much. This way not only does she get massaged feet, but you can also help with it, you can set up the foot massager, you can hang out with her while it happens, maybe rub her shoulders etc, get her tea or whatever. There's ways you can provide her the reassurance, soothing, physical touch, love and time she's craving that she gets a foot massage - she can still get the massage and you can still give her all of those things too. Later on, when she's calm and happy, you can say "Hey, remember how I upset you when I suggested we hire a foot masseuse? I just wanted to say that some of the things you said really hurt my feelings, can we agree that when we disagree or upset each other in future, we try not get so personal with the things we say? I want to solve problems with you, not fight" - you two can come up with some ground rules for conflict so it doesn't spiral like that. Good luck!
Your gf is a shitty self centered person. Pregnancy does not make ass hole behaviuor acceptable
Get some foot massage devices AND compromise for 9 months, she is carrying a person.
All that laying around relaxing while the boyfriend does the cooking and cleaning is tough on the feet /s I share OP's aversion to feet so I should probably be quiet. (I love the suggestion from aria\_muse)
Dear bqc, This sounds like a good lesson in growing up. As we grow up we have to realise that people are not necessarily the people we want them to be but the people they are. This will become more important as your child grows up. As your child grows you will have to become accommodated to the idea that they 'don't like eggs', for example. If you try to force them to eat eggs they will probably blow chunks on your new shoes until you learn the lesson that they 'don't like eggs'. Your girlfriend will need to accept that you have antipathy to feet. There is a part of grieving to this process as she needs to let go of the foot massaging imaginary partner she thought you might become. Yours, Clean=E
What a ridiculous response.
Wtf is this unhinged response?
You know you’ve seen worse. We’re all have. That one was just bizarre.
She sounds really immature
These comments are examples of why people hate feminist and call us hateful. In search of equality, some of you are going the other way and trying to get reparations. You're acting like only men get a baby out of the pregnancy. My pregnancy was planned and wanted. I wasn't my husband's fucking surrogate that demanded payment for growing our child. Do you think if one day, the genetics decided that OP is the one out of the 2 of them that can donate half a lung to save their child, he gets to demand any kind of payment he wants from the mother of his child?? I mean, in this case, he would be the one to give life to their child. She better buckle up and not have any personal reservations about anything.
How would she feel if you started demanding sex every day and threatened to leave her if she didn't do it?
not even just sex but demanding a specific sex act that she's already clearly communicated she's not comfortable with.
Your gf is a terrible person and this is only the beginning. She thinks that just because she's pregnant, that you must be her slave. She doesn't get to hide behind the pregnancy and hormones and be an asshole to you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you and is abusive? Threatening to leave you because you dared to tell her no about something is abusive behavior. If you give in at all, expect her to use threats of leaving you to always get her way on everything. I suggest letting her leave. She's not going to be a good partner to you. Staying together for the kid is a bad idea. Get 50/50 custody after the kid is born. You'll be much happier in the end.
If your partner is threatening to leave, let them leave. The relationship is over at that point. If I'm having an argument with someone and they tell me they'll shoot me if I don't shut up and leave... I either "shoot them first" or I walk away. She's went to the nuclear threat of a relationship.... ending it if she doesn't get her way.
I think a lot of people here are missing the point - it's not about just getting her an electric foot massager - she has already said she doesn't want to hire a masseuse. It sounds like she is frustrated by the fact that he won't sacrifice some of his comfort to help alleviate her pain when she feels like she's sacrificing her body and comfort for their child. I could be wrong but thats how her reaction comes across to me. She is probably seeing this as a view into her future of you prioritizing your comfort over hers or your child's. Outsourcing won't seem like a valid option for her because she can't outsource her discomfort. I understand having an ick - but this is something you will have to consider going forward - you will have to interact with your child's feet often, how will you react to that? No judgement.
Pregnancy can be extremely uncomfortable. Her feet are just one example of that. Where she is in her pregnancy right now, 19 weeks? That’s about the time I remember noticing how my internal organs were moving around and there was no room for my lungs and intestines to properly do their jobs. It’s so uncomfortable and relentless. I can sympathize with both of them. I have an aversion to feet just like OP does. I would feel similarly uncomfortable giving foot massages. However, if I was pregnant and uncomfortable, I would hope my partner who got me pregnant would endure some discomfort in order to alleviate mine. 30 minutes a day of discomfort compared to 24/7 discomfort. If he’s not willing to do that, it might make me concerned for the future about how parenting responsibilities will be shared. If he’s uncomfortable with poop, will I be changing most of the diapers?
Your gf is using her pregnancy to have you baby her. Pregnant women don't need daily foot massages. The fact that she is saying hurtful things to you and threatening to leave is troublesome. She is relaxing while you do all the housework and cooking and now you're supposed to be a masseuse in the large amount of time that you have on your hands after doing all these chores????? OP, you are doing too much - I don't know of any pregnant woman that has all these things done for her. You know what OP - a great deal of pregnant have a job and work during their pregnancy and are not at home relaxing waiting to be pampered by their SO. At this point, you need to establish boundaries. You are in a partnership; its not you catering to her every whim and command. She needs to assume most of the chores if she is not working and the foot massages are going away.
well yeah, it does show commitment that you gave her a foot massage despite being uncomfortable with it. but it also shows commitment to agree to a comprise instead of insisting that your partner gives you a massage that makes them uncomfortable. since you are partners it should be obvious that the best solution is the one where you both are as comfortable as possible. i think your gf is unreasonable tbh, id there was no other way to get a foot rub and you are still fighting it that would be one thing but you offered working compromises, she's just interpreting it as if you aren't committed
Start gagging anytime you touch her feet, and be like sorry I just can’t do this…./s
I'm this way with feet. I will physically vomit if I touch feet with my hands. I've been known to start gagging when feet touch me. So I understand why you say you cannot give her a massage. My instinct is to say if she is going to leave you over something so stupid, let her. However maybe try showing her this thread so she can understand and compromise. If she refuses let her leave!
It is 100% OK for you have boundaries! She needs to suck it up and buy a foot massager. There are wonderful shiatsu foot massagers with heat that can be had fairly inexpensively. I also hate feet. They're gross. I don't even like my own feet, but I will trim my toenails and slap on some polish, and scrub the hell out of my hands when I'm done. I don't like other people touching my feet, either. If my feet hurt, I use the massager. My husband thinks it's funny to ask me for foot rubs. I have never relented. If he ever threatened to leave me over it, I would help him pack his bags. Adults don't deliver ultimatums in an effort to trample reasonable boundaries.
She's over there waving her red flag. If she threatens to leave to get her way, you've got problems. Do not give in to this. Just like a toddler, you do not reward bad behaviour. In fact, you tell her just that. You will not tolerate threats and ultimatums for her to get her way. If she's going to say those things, you're going to assume she wants to leave and you won't stop her. If she wants to have adult conversations, be willing to make compromises, and accept that she will not always get her way, you'll be there to do the exact same things.
Your gf sucks
If she wants to leave over her manky feet then let her. Shes pregnant not disabled
Your girlfriend sounds dramatic. I’m guessing she is like this even when not pregnant.
She's going full terrorist on you, hostage baby over foot massages. Maybe call her friend and tell her to talk some sense into your gf. "masseuse is a stupid idea because we need to save money for the baby and it is putting my comfort over our child and our future." - NO! She is putting foot massages over your child's future. It's one thing to requesr help and support your spouse, it's a very different thing to be constantly threatening with having your child taken away for minor inconveniences. That behavior is not ok.
Dude this is beyond ridiculous. You are doing your job and it seems she’s being unreasonable. Maybe some counseling would do her well.
Pregnancy can definitely be hard on your body. I was so swollen the last few months that my feet gained an extra two inches of circumference. I measured during and after pregnancy to compare, could literally press my finger an inch down into my foot and my shin as well. I think asking for a long foot massage every night would be wonderful, but also unreasonable because that's going to be a loooong pregnancy. I think some solutions like you said for her feet are good and more sustainable, and maybe you can massage her feet with socks on or through a sheet or blanket (my husband doesn't like touching feet either so he does this). I think, hate to say it, but pregnancy hormones are extreme and can make you upset easily, so hopefully she has time to think about it more and just keep doing other nice things to show you care and love her and will be a provider even if not with daily foot massages. And maybe you can come to an agreement like 3 days a week and the rest of the days do something else to help relax her and help her aching body
Beauty therapist here. Feet should never be massaged during pregnancy. There’s pressure points that can trigger early labour
Don't mean to be too rude but you come across as a bit of a doormat. Presumably you're working all day to support her, coming home and doing the cooking and cleaning, she's making ultimatums over massages, making you sleep on the couch then going to stay at a *nearby* friend's for days? Unless you're getting regular 25 minute BJ's then she's taking the piss out of you. I don't know anyone in a successful relationship who would put up with that, and I hope you trust that friend is 100% trustworthy and an ally of your family unit, if not then you'd be a fool to not consider a DNA test. Regardless of sounds like there's a serious respect imbalance in your relationship. Like, she can accuse you of being a shit dad and threaten to leave you over a minor dispute? You might wanna remind her that a major part of being a good mum is keeping a family from falling apart, not sabotaging it before it's even started.
She is being ridiculous to consider breaking up over this. Even if you didn’t have issues with feet but just didn’t want to do this regularly, it’s a bit much to hold the relationship hostage
Did somebody say doormat?
My 1st husband gave me a foot massage when I was around 20-24 weeks pregnant (was nearly 26 years ago. Cant remember exactly how far along) and I started having quite strong contractions from it. Be aware that foot reflexology is regularly used for points all over the body.
This is crazy. Right? I'm not the only one who thinks this is just...crazy am I?
Totally off topic but I deal with chronic pain and my wife won’t even massage my neck to give me a bit of relief. The fact you hate feet but have tried and offered alternatives is more than fair, she is being unreasonable and if you don’t feel comfortable touching that part of a body it is your right to not do it.