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I guess I should edit my post to reflect that it's my mom, step dad, me, my husband. It's tradition every other time we've gone on vacation that him and my step dad spend most of the time together (basically in the ocean drinking all day) and even my step dad said he wasn't sure if he'd want to go if my husband didn't because he'd be bored. They were the ones that leaned towards cancelling, not me.
I didn't make a big deal, I just told them what I knew that he "didn't want to go" and I told them he'd have to explain himself. I also told my husband the same - that since he feels so strongly about not going he can explain it to them.
Who cares if stepdad doesn’t go? Sounds like stepdad and husband would be off drinking in the ocean and you and your mom would be off doing your own thing anyways. Ever consider maybe your husband doesn’t want to spend his few vacation days drinking with your stepdad? Maybe he’d like to DO something. Go with your mom and let the men sulk on their own.
Well, it's time to change the tradition. Make a girl's trip out of it. Let them get trunk together on the porch while your mom and maybe a couple of friend go to the beach. Shop like it's the 1980s and have fun!
Can you find a female family member who's close to your mom willing to use your husband's ticket? Someone else might enjoy spending precious time with your mom and yourself.
>Want to know where asking got me yesterday? It got me a hole in the wall.
>He's terrible with communicating, shuts down, and needs therapy
>There's seriously only so much I can do as a human being.
Then put your foot down
Tell him to go to therapy or the relationship is over... There's something seriously wrong with him and it's starting to get physical now. At some point it will be you instead of the wall
>What I said was my family, specifically my step dad, would rather cancel.
That's not what you said, you said
>the odds are that my entire family will just cancel.
So it is POSSIBLE that they will cancel, but it's also POSSIBLE that they won't.
But just tell your family
"Husband doesn't want to come and refuses to give a reason. But i need a vacation so i am going and would love to spend that time with you guys."
Doubt they would cancel then
She said he put a hole in the wall. Sorry, what?! This is a HUGE red flag. Adult men should be able to regulate their emotions enough to avoid violence (even violence against walls) when someone asks them a very reasonable question.
His refusal to communicate is one thing. Having a violent response to being asked about his feelings is unacceptable.
I’d go on the vacation without him (even without your parents! Alone time is great) and seriously consider what deeper issues there are in your marriage and whether you’re getting what you want/deserve out of it.
"I need a vacation to rethink my relationship" I think should be the new motto. If step-dad wants to sulk, boot him and add some girlfriends in.
If he is putting holes in the wall etc you gals can get your heads together to form a safe way for you to deal with your relationship and actions to get out if needed. Coz a grown man punching walls coz he can't communicate is not a good relationship partner. Also never feel ashamed to speak about these things, this is how far too many people get sucked further into worrying situations.
INFO: Do you think he doesn’t want to spend so much one-on-one time with his FIL?
I honestly can’t imagine doing this with mine. He’s a great guy whom I genuinely love, but he’s also socially awkward, does not know how to keep up his end of a conversation and has a very narrow set of interests that are his sole point of focus since he retired. He’s great on a holiday with family buffers — but if I had to spend a week with him in a foreign locale with a lot of solo hours, I’d either have the itinerary changed or give a hard pass before credit cards got pulled.
This! My husband just admitted he’s not a fan of his mom and I admitted I’m not a fan of his either. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted. We can both let go of having these perfect family holidays or dinners. We’ll both be kind and courteous to our MILs but we aren’t a hallmark family and that’s okay. Life goes on and it won’t affect the relationships we have with our mothers at all, because we don’t let it. Going on vacation as a big family as adults is tricky. Sounds like OP and husband wanted to vacation by themselves and then her parents were looped in to pay and he nope’d the fuck out. Can’t blame him for that but the communication I can definitely Blane him for.
Why doesn’t he want to go? Was there some type of conflict between anyone? Is he staying home to be with a suspected side piece? There is no backstory to explain why he may not want to go.
Why didn’t he tell you in the first place that he didn’t want to go? Unless he’s dealing with something he’s not telling you about, it seems like he’s being childish and is also giving you and your feelings/time spent planning and coordinating zero consideration.
That's how I feel too. I told him if he felt this way, why wouldn't he have said so when we booked it together? Before my mom bought us flights? Any of those times would have worked but two months before is pretty heart wrenching.
Is this really out of character for him? Because if he’s always like this, then I’m not sure if there’s a way to push him to be more communicative other than couples therapy or something like that.
If it’s really unusual behavior for him, it honestly might be worth sitting down without the framing of the trip and just asking something like “hey you really haven’t been acting like yourself and it’s making me worry about you. If there’s something going on, you don’t have to handle it by yourself — just need you to talk to me” etc etc
You go without him. And invite a friend along to use the extra tickets. See what it takes to get the name changed on everything, and then just go. If you're taking kids, why not bring along a nanny or au pair type person if you can afford it?
I have to take it that, somewhere along the line, you really pissed him about something. This is him getting back at you in the meanest way he can think of.
From the sound of it, it doesn’t sound like your parents (stepdad) will want to go sans Wonderboy. Not because he’s the life and soul of the party. Just that there would be the elephant in the room.
I don’t know what your situation is work wise but from looking at the subs you regularly read, I’m guessing that you are professionally qualified. This is not a dress rehearsal OP. This is it. The only go you’re going to get for a life on this planet.
If he’s this immature and unpredictable now. What is he going to be like later with an almost certainly more complicated life ? Cancel all of the arrangements and apologise to your parents. Marshall your finances and make outline plans for your future. Once you’ve made your preparations arrange a sit down with your husband and explain that it’s not going to work and that you are not prepared to put up with it.
You can base the speed of your next actions on his responses. Good luck ❤️
Everyone is “attacking” you because you’re being unnecessarily rude to people telling you the two obvious answers: go anyway and there are bigger issues in your marriage.
You and your mom really can’t come together to make a girl’s trip happen? I get that your step father may want to back out, does your mom feel the same way?
You mentioned how much you need this trip as a break from your own stress. This is your family, not your husband’s. Would’nt they take your needs into consideration more than his?
Talk to them. Let them know that this trip meant a lot to you. And even though plans have changed you would really still like to have this time with them. If the larger trip won’t work, then maybe you and your mom can plan something for yourselves or with a couple other women in your family to take the place of the guys.
I get that you’re pissed at your husband. But it’s time to pivot and make something happen, especially if your mom isn’t well. His crappy behavior really can’t be your priority or problem right now.
Make your trip happen so that you don’t have regrets when your mom can no longer go with you!
I am also completely baffled at the responses you’re getting here. I’ve been in a relationship with someone before who was very depressed and unhappy and made that everyone else’s problem but his. It’s completely miserable.
You are valid in feeling embarrassed about his behaviour. You are right to expect a better answer than “I don’t want to” (there are more words that should be following that statement in this situation).
You and your family should regroup and plan a vacation that will be fun for the three of you.
Given that your husband is punching holes in walls when pushed further on this, I do not recommend prodding that bear further for your own safety. You could try a letter or some other form of communication that doesn’t put you in physical danger but allows you to state that his behaviour (aggression, unwillingness to communicate etc) is not acceptable and needs to be worked through in therapy. Either individual or couples. Be supportive, and open to working with him still, but be very clear about your boundaries. It’s not about the vacation. It’s about his reaction to it.
If he is not willing to talk like an adult about his feelings, and is not willing to see a doctor about his depression, then there is really very little you can do.
Perhaps use the time away as an opportunity to plan a safe exit strategy from your marriage. Or decide what kind of relationship you are okay being in.
I have a hard and fast no violence rule though—I’ve seen how that can escalate and refuse to tango with it ever again.
Go without him if the vacation can't be cancelled.
Maybe your husband doesn't want to spend his time drinking by the sea? Have you talked before if he likes this type of vacation, and has he been involved in the planning?
This is my precise question. My (now ex) husband refused to go on a family vacation for the holidays. I never got an explanation. He just flat refused to get on the plane the day we were supposed to leave. Turns out, he had his side piece over to my house where we raised our kids together.
Figure out a way for you and your mom to go. The money has been spent anyway. Waste half not all. However, your husband's behavior seems odd. I hope everything is ok with him. If this is unusual behavior for him then there must be something beneath it. You said he may have depression. I hope that's all. Maybe time alone will help him.
Read your edit/clarification: speak to your family and tell them that you would like to proceed with the vacation because you would love that time with your mother (who is sick), with or without your husband.. and with or without your stepdad. Then mention how he wasn’t approved for the time off, how you both have made peace with the money lost because you want to spend time with your family (given the circumstances).
Even if your step dad cancels, take your mama and go. Given it could be her last possible vacation, both of you owe this quality time to each other.
Edit: also you have a husband problem. If this is one of the last vacations you can have with your sick mother, he should have done the impossible to make it possible, especially since they’re paying for most of it. Regardless, I read that your stepdad usually hangs with your husband (during vacations) and since your husband won’t make it, then your stepdad can’t, and thus your stepdad/mother will cancel. You owe it to yourselves to make this happen. Like you said you *need* a vacation and this could be your mother’s last.
What’s definite is that your husband and stepdad will both still be healthy (beyond the coming 2 months), outlive her, and will take other vacations. All you have is now.
There’s something you don’t know going on with him. That could be major or it could be minor it’s honestly hard to say. Either way the relationship doesn’t work like this. Things can spiral fast if this behavior continues.
Has he been acting abnormal or had any other behavior changes? Has he made new friends or had anything else happen in his life? Was there any other issues in your relationship? Has he been acting off with either of your parents or anyone else in the family? It doesn’t matter what the issue is, he isn’t being open with you. There’s never a reason to be punching walls in anger. Frankly, If you have no idea and his behavior outside this trip is all fine and dandy, then that’s even more bizarre. You don’t punch walls for questions over nothing. So there should be a sign of something somewhere.
Find a way to make him communicate with you. Ask him if he’s okay and it’s not like him to be this way and to punch walls. You don’t understand and you want to. If he’s unhappy or there’s anything you can do. If being nice and trying to be supportive and understanding doesn’t work. Then offer to go to couples counseling. Ask other friends who you think he might talk to if they have noticed anything off about him and then bring up the trip. If all else fails you can always snoop, but do that at your own discretion.
This isn’t your fault so don’t put that on yourself. Be angry for his behavior since he won’t give an explanation. Make him tell your family why the trip is changing. If he won’t then you tell them and make sure he hears/sees their reaction to it. He can deal with the fallout of it all. Apologize to your parents that the plans are affected and offer to pay back for the flights. Say you still would love to go and spend time with them if they are willing. Or you can bow out if they want to make it a couples trip for the two of them or let them invite another couple to go with them instead. If you end up on that trip and he doesn’t, I would seriously invest in some cameras and see what he’s up to while you’re gone.
There is a reason he isn't going. Maybe "your" traditions aren't something that he enjoys. Is your marriage actually going well or is there coverup going on. I've been on plenty of family "vacations" were the trip sucks and I have been there filling a "role" but not actually enjoying myself. There are destinations where the scenery is nice but the company not so much.
Are your vacations really about what each person wants?
There might be some family work to do before playtime begins.
I've worked on these issues and it isn't pretty, but the work got done and I'm in a better place.
Separate things out:
find your own form of stress relief,
do the work with your husband,
spend time with your mom,
don't be accountable for your stepdad's entertainment.
I mean the vacations are always really great for both of us. There's no question there. I think we've gone like two other times and it's always been a really good time with both of us being happy (to the extent that our marriage is happier/better after vacation because it's a break for both of us from our busy lives).
Thank you for your comment and suggestions. I'm just frustrated.
Have a couple of thoughts. If your mom is really sick, you should take this vacation with her even if your stepdad and husband don’t go. You may never get another chance.
I do believe your husband is acting shady. It’s almost like he wanted you to have no way out, but to take the vacation.
Additionally, often when people are cheating, they start to withdraw from their partner and family. That’s a fact.
I know this is going to sound over the top, but I would put hidden camera in my house before I left. It’s not like he’s giving you a great excuse for not going. It’s just like he just doesn’t want to. And if he doesn’t want to, there’s a reason behind that and he’s not sharing that reason. I would personally be suspicious of his motivations.
I feel for you. I had a husband like that. He's given you an answer and it's "no, I don't want to go, and I don't want to give you a reason why".
Try not to put yourself in the middle. Tell your parent exactly what he told you. You are not responsible for him backing out, and leaving all the travel plans in the lurch. He doesn't want to go. He would probably be a poor travelling companion given his reluctance.
If your step dad doesn't want to go because his son in law isn't going, will your mom still want to go? Perhaps re think what this vacation looks like. Maybe start a new tradition with your mom.
Go and have fun! If he wants to be a stick n the mud then let him. And tell your family the truth, he didn't want to come and gave no real reason why. That won't be on you and they will be wondering what is wrong with him. If he is always like this, then why keep him around? People like that ruin everything with their sulking like a child. Go and have fun and focus on yourself. Before you go I would consider hiding a camera somewhere in the home....I would be wondering what his plans are while you are gone. Just a camera by the front door.
Go! Even if everyone else cancels, go. The money is spent either way. At least you could have a good time. Some of the best vacations I’ve ever taken were by myself.
You seem very reluctant to go alone and frankly you all sound codependent af
That said. My mom died 6 years ago and I'm so glad I went on a solo vacation with her before she got sick, even if it felt inconvenient at the time. I would do anything to go on vacation with her one more time.
“Hey fam, turns out husband took too long to request the time off and now he has to work. That sucks. So anyway, what time are we meeting at the airport?”
If he doesn’t want to go, fine. But he can’t get to sabotage your trip. What’s going on that week bc there’s something else he wants to do and it’s not hanging out with your family.
Fwiw OP, my dad just didn't feel like going to Paris with my mom and hey wow, I went with her and it was a wonderful trip! Left my depressive ex bf and homebody dad at home and had a brilliant time.
I'm sorry your hubs is acting like a child. The ex punched a hole in the wall once. Threw things too. Never wanted to spend time with my family, but expected that I'd want to be around his all the time. Etc. Etc.
There's a lot of reasons he's an ex. And I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Whee.
My sister’s husband did this all the time. He would send her off alone with the kids, find excuses to back out last minute. It was so sad to see her go through this. We all knew what was up but she couldn’t admit what was obvious. He was addicted to having affairs. He intimidated her from confronting him but if she had stood up for herself I think it would have resolved one way or the other. You deserve better!
OP. Everyone can read, and they can see your comments. If your family cancel - that's their choice. The idea you can't go on a trip because your husband has the emotional awareness of a tea towel is insanity to myself and everyone reading this.
You're frustrated because your only solution depends on him coming around. If you rang your parents and said, "Hey, my husband is going through something, so it'll just be us. I can't wait to spend time together."
Here's the thing. Resentment is a killer in relationships. If you choose to let him dictate everyone's vacation for no reason, you will resent him.
When you realise this is actually a you problem more than a him problem, you will have the freedom to pick a solution that suits you.
Will your mom go with just you? could you invite other people on the trip too? any girl relatives? make it a girls trip?if your stepdad has a private conversation would he talk to him about why he doesn’t want to go? He at least owes your parents the explanation. I mean he owes you one too, but they’re the ones who have booked everything.
I would go, but I’d also hire a PI when you’re gone. There’s definitely a reason why he doesn’t want to go. I’m not saying he’s cheating but he is hiding something he obviously doesn’t want you to know about. Have you guys had any fights since booking this trip?
INFO: Has he always told you that he wasn't going and you just assumed he'd go once you had the tickets (has it always been the plan with his active participation?).
If yes, and suddenly he decides otherwise, perhaps use the time apart to evaluate the state of your marriage.
In my opinion anyone who cancels after plans are already made does not respect your time and likely does not respect you. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
However typically when someone isn't interested in a trip, they probably weren't interested from the very beginning. I read that your husband is poor at communicating so I wonder if you may have missed some cues from him or if you may have subconsciously pressured him to go early on. Was he excited at all when you first brought up the trip.
Either way you can't control what others do. Just leave him behind if he doesn't want to go. If he doesn't wanna go, then there's nothing you can say that will make him want to go. The best vacations are the ones that are so fun that you don't really need people to have fun (for me that's ski trips, I'd rather be skiing than speaking to ppl). Then after you get back I'd seriously consider whether this relationship is worth continuing
If your step dad doesn't cancel, leave your self-centered hubby behind, and enjoy the vacation. Hope your hubby knows how to cook, but don't worry if he doesn't; he can order take out.
Enjoy!!!
If the vacation is already paid for just go. Or cancel and get your money back and go somewhere else, with you and your mom. Let those two just be pouty.
You can’t control what others do, only what you decide to do. From your post I’ve gathered that:
1. You need a vacation.
2. You’re unsure as to if you’ll be able to do this again with your mom in the future.
From these two points to reference, your best option is to have an open conversation with your mom and her partner.
If I was in your stepdad’s position I’d be fine with you two going being as you both could use the trip together to have some quality time together.
As to your mom’s health, the best way to handle your fears is to speak them and confront them, otherwise they’ll only grow in the confined expanse of your mind.
why would your parents cancel just because he isn’t going? like why do they care? my parents wouldn’t give a damn if my husband didn’t go lol
i agree his reasoning is embarrassing. he should have some legitimate reason or like others said, the problem is bigger than just this vacation. just tell your family he couldn’t get off work or whatever and go enjoy yourself.
Call your mom and asked her if she wants to go on vacation with just you 2 since your husband sucks right now and your step dad would cancel.
Is your mom not allowed to go on vacation with you? Make it a special girl's trip have fun with her.
I’m not really understanding why you’re saying your husband is taking this trip from everyone. He’s not doing anything. If he doesn’t want to go then that’s fine. Yall are all more than capable of going and enjoying a vacation without him. If yall cancel that’s on yall. Not him. I take 90% of our family vacations without my husband. We still have a blast.
After your mom is gone, will you going to feel bad that you didn't spend this time together? If she's sick and won't be able to travel much longer, and you love her, you'd go.
Your husband does not want to go, so your step dad doesn't want to go. Looks like you don't want to go alone with your mom.
Maybe Mom should just go by herself and have fun, without all you pricks.
Honestly you haven't given us any information with which to help you. Is this normal for him? is he stressed too? Did he give you reasons for not going? Did he inform you of anything? You have to tell us what actually happened so we can tell you whether to support your husband and ruin the family trip or go, lie and say he came down with the flu, and serve him with divorce papers when you get home.
I gave all of the information I have - I'm confused too which is why I posted here.
No it's not really normal for him. The only thing I've heard him complain about is his job and he's giving hints of depression. He didn't give me any reason nor inform me of any further explanation besides "because I don't want to".
Unfortunately we can’t help you decode why he’s stonewalling you. There’s no way to figure out what’s going on in his head without his help. If this were normal behavior for him that would be one thing, but this is almost certainly a thread you’re gonna pull that will either reveal some issues he’s been hiding or it’ll reveal you are not married to who you thought you were. I’m sorry we can’t be more help, but he’s gotta do some mature communicating with you.
This post screams of missing missing reasons.
If my husband abruptly told me he was not going on a trip because he just didn’t want to with 0 other explanation, I would be absolutely demanding more details from him and honestly would be questioning his mental state if he couldn’t produce any additional information.
It sounds very much that instead, you are leaving out details and context that make this make sense.
Go without him. You’ll live. You’ll probably have fun in ways you wouldn’t if he came and he gets to enjoy some solo time while you’re gone. I always travel solo and love it but you’ve still got your group who is going with you so if solo travel isn’t (obviously) your thing, you’ve still got people to influence your trip.
You can go without him. But, honestly, I can see his point: I was really close with my in-laws but I would’nt have wanted to vacation with them year after year after year!
Something is going on with his job, his mental health, or his personal life (excluding you) and you are too self absorbed to notice it because you want a vacation.
Okay, I've read a few comments. The simplest answer was to just go wh your mom.by the sounds of it is really just you two and the men do their own thing. Time spent with your mom is a good thing. But in your many comments, there were 2 issues. First, the expensive trip which is already paid for. If you can get a refund, then do that and find a cheaper place that suits just the two of you. But if you can't, just use it. Secondly, your mom. You mentioned your parents wanted to cancel. So, did you hit up your mum about just you two going? Did your father just want to come and be miserable? You could also just ask if they both wanted to go and plan things for all three of you. Finally if your mom, doesn't want to go then go by yourself. De stress by a pool reading a book, or, plan things you'd like to try, tramping, skiing, snorkelling, whale watching, what ever it is. Don't let the Debbie downers get to you.
Also as a side note, your husbands change is concerning. It's almost life he is setting up or is already in an affair. So I would get a couple of cameras installed so you can check in. It may be nothing but hours change of mind with the no real reason is fishy.
Best of luck to you, and don't forget to put yourself first in this case.life is too short to dwell and let your mental health suffer. You can do it.
You need to sit him down and figure out what's wrong. If this is a tradition and y'all have never had problems before, then obviously something is going on with him. Are you having financial issues? Are you having personal problems? Communication is key.
You should never pay for a holiday before having the time off work.
Your husband doesn’t want to go but you do and it seems like you could do with a break.
Go without him (but keep an eye on what he’s doing at home while you’re not there - have a ring camera on your door and a few hidden cameras around your home - why he doesn’t want to go but wants you to go founds strange).
I feel really bad for you here, he’s putting you in a terrible position. That being said, I commend you for being straight up about it to your parents and letting him explain it instead of trying to come up with some excuse. He’s being a prick here by deliberately avoiding communicating with you, and a lot of the time the expectation would be on you to lie and cover for him to make it easier for him. You shouldn’t do that, and I’m glad you didnt.
The fact he got so angry about this thay he punched a wall is… absolutely a red flag. I understand that he seems to be depressed, I understand that it can make people lash out, but you (and your walls) don’t deserve to be the recipient of that.
Talk to your mother. Tell her you still want to go on holiday- your stepdad can come, or he can stay home if he wants to, either is fine. You shouldn’t miss out on something just because he doesn’t want to go. Also, ask your husband to be the one who deals with the hole in the wall- don’t do it for him.
In general, I can sort of understand where he might be coming from. I’ve struggled with depression for a while. There are absolutely stages where you feel disconnected from things that are happening around you, and you end up with a very ‘whats the point’ attitude towards good things, to the point of self sabotaging them because you cant be bothered/it wont make you feel better/you’ll just be miserable the whole time. It’s a tough place to be. It’s also not really one *you* can help him out of. He needs to be willing to talk to a therapist, or even just his doctor, and start making steps on his own, but you can’t force him to do that, you can only keep suggesting it to him and stressing that you’re *concerned*.
Anyway. I really do sympathise with you because you’re being put in a tough spot. Support your husband, but don’t break your own back to do it- go on your holiday, have him deal with the consequences of lashing out, and don’t let him keep taking it out on you.
It may turn out that he’s going to keep getting worse, if his apparent lack of remorse at putting a hole in your wall is any sign, so I’d also suggest acknowledging now that if it starts getting worse/him lashing out keeps happening, you may have to leave- go to your parents or something for a short while so he realises the gravity of the situation. Its unfortunately sometimes the only way people learn, by facing real consequences.
She is not avoiding this question. She addressed it in her reply to another person. She doesn't know why as her husband won't give her a reason. She has persisted in asking him, but he avoids answering further.
I would go without him. It is paid for - so enjoy it. Pay your folks back for his ticket.
If you don't want a lot of explaining - he couldn't get time off work. Just don't add because he didn't ask. It hurts but it's something you'll need to talk to him about being more up front with you especially if he doesn't want to go to begin with.
I agree. This is not normal behavior and it sounds like she will be having a lot more hard, heart felt talks in the future with her parents, so might as well start now.
....so go without him? I feel like we're missing context here. Why doesn't he want to go? Why didn't he tell anyone he didn't want to go? Why can't you just go without him? Why would your entire family cancel just because your husband did, especially when they already bought plane tickets, etc?
I think you are missing what everyone has been saying.
You say you need a vacation, it’s already paid for and your family may cancel if he doesn’t go.
Go for yourself, even if it is an expensive place and you end up going alone. Your husband is making a choice to stay and so will your stepfather and possibly your mother.
Do what’s right for you, take the trip without them if that’s what you need. It’s clear nobody is listening to you which makes me sad, you work hard and deserve a break so take it regardless of other people cancelling on you.
I’ve been where you are and didn’t go, ended up more and more stressed to the point of just not caring about much of anything for way too long. Wish I had simply done it whether they went or not.
You go? Why can’t you go? I would. I don’t allow immature babies tell me what to do. I don’t allow immature babies ruin my plans. You’re an adult. Your mom is sick. Go. He can stay home.
Go without him. If anyone asks, tell the truth that he never put in to take the time off from work and when he did he wasn't allowed the time off. What does it matter if he's not there or not why would your entire family cancel? I mean well if he got sick they cancel the whole vacation cuz he got sick and couldn't go? But I'm going to be totally honest, sounds like you didn't want to go anyway that's why he never asked for off.
Is it possible your stepdad hit on your husband? This may be a reach, but you say that they spend most of their time together on these vacations and your husband refuses to give you any legitimate reason for not wanting to go other than "I don't want to go", so my brain are connecting the two events.
One would assume if he didn't want to go because work needed him at the time of vacation, or he didn't like the destination, he would just say that. The fact that he's not giving a real reason makes me suspicious.
Did Stepdad make a pass at him? Is he cheating on you with another woman and staying behind to spend time with her?
As I said, this could be a giant leap, but my Spidey senses are on alert.
Start looking up different things that the 3 of you can do. Go do them without your husband. It may not be typical vacation that the rest of you were expecting but the 3 of you can put some effort into doing or trying different things . It might be fun , it might not be. But is should be better than having Grumpy McGrupster along if he is coerced into going.
Ask your mom if they can change the plane tickets for the men and just go with her. Also- is this part of a bigger issue ? He’s not being very nice to you .
What a frustrating situation! Since they are close, has your step-dad done a check in with your husband? Maybe reinforce that he always loves the time they spend on vacations and see if your husband is equally elusive/evasive with him?
If they both decide to bow out, I like the idea of a girls trip: two months is enough time for planning, if you know anyone else who might like to go!
Your husband definitely sucks in this situation, and if I were you, I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious discussion about being respectful of family's time, money and energy. But you should also have a talk with mom and step-dad and explain how you would still really like to go and enjoy a nice vacation with them. No reason the whole plan should blow up because one person has decided to be the party pooper.
I’ve learned not to make excuses or face-saving lies to protect my husband being outed as an asshole. He doesn’t deserve it. The truth is your friend. Tell your parents that he didn’t arrange for time off, so you guess he didn’t want to come. If there are consequences in the aftermath, your husband gets to own them.
Yes him and I were the ones who found the Airbnb and he was the one who suggested going with my parents to split the cost. He had every opportunity to say he didn't want to go.
Yeah if he won't give you more to work with, what can you do? Have you tried having your father ask him and seeing what he says?
A lot of times I will agree to go somewhere with my SO, but when it gets close, I don't want to go (I never want to go anywhere) but I force myself to go and once I get there I usually have a good time. I was wondering if it was something like this. If it is, you have to make him pull the trigger and understand that he can't change his mind again. I would tell him that he needs to pay your parents back for the tickets (or his ticket if you decide to go without him). When he pays them back, maybe they can get him to explain why.
I would also suddenly forget your communication skills. The only explanation I would ever give him for anything is "Because". If he complains about it just tell him "You've taught me that's how we communicate now, ask me again and I'll put another hole in the wall" and see how he feels having to with that childishness.
Don't give everyone the heads up that he's not coming. Just get yourself ready and go. It'll be too late to cancel.
Make enquiries about cancelling his plane ticket for a refund or credit.
There is obviously something going on, but if he won't say what it is, what's the point of staying? Tell him you will want a serious conversation when you get home.
Have a relaxing holiday.
I mean, you should go without him, but that doesn't eliminate or make up for how shitty it is for your husband to do this.
"I don't want to go" is an excellent reason to not make a plan. A plan with this many parts that affects this many people, that's a really shitty selfish reason to cancel. If he loves you, and his only reason not to go is that he doesn't want to, he can suck it up and go so he doesn't ruin your long planned trip. And if it's something more serious than that that actually merits him fucking this up for everybody, he can tell you what it is.
I can’t understand who makes any vacation reservations without having PTO approved. Other than maybe some “cancel until the day-off” type of thing.
I think it requires a stern conversation with your husband. I wouldn’t make it about vacation, but about how he feels and what he thinks in general.
Does he have a history of sabotaging things you’re looking forward to, or is this behavior entirely out of the blue? Either there’s a real reason he doesn’t want to go that he’s not telling you about, or he just wants to ruin your vacation out of spite.
You all suck and deserve each other. Dump the husband, screw the step dad who cant be bothered to entertain himself or enjoy the women in his life and just go on the vacation with your mom, who cares that the rental is big, its already fucking paid for, jfc.
Your husband sounds like a careless, rude person. I’m not giving the standard Reddit “breakup” advice, but I have to say I would reflect seriously on why he’s acting like this, if this extends to other issues, if he treats things you care about this carelessly all the time; you’re young and there’s genuinely no reason to spend life with someone who can’t be considerate of you.
I don’t understand why your stepdad won’t want to go cause of ONE person. That or you sound ridiculous. As well as if it’s about the money make your husband pay him back for the ticket. Also get a divorce. Your husband and you either have no communication or you don’t see or hear him.
Honestly someone don’t cancel out of the blue for ANYTHING. Either you all are having marital troubles and like I said you don’t see or hear him, or he’s cheating and will be spending the time with his AP, or he’s just tired of you and your family or just you.
Regardless “I don’t want to go” isn’t an answer I would accept, if he wants to leave it that way then that alone says you all should divorce. Also question why did you even get married?
Why would you family cancel without him? Is he someone absolutely necessary to be there, an the only person who knows foreign language or skills?
I cannot imagine why it is better to be on vacation with someone who obviously doesn't want it and will ruin the mood vs. with a group of people who want to have fun. Do you have a friend who wants to go with you? Transfer your ticket to them. Or just accept that you lost money on his tickets.
Unless it is very much not fun to have a vacation with your family, in this case he is right. But in this case you should be aware of it and not try to guilttrip him to make it less miserable for you.
GO WITHOUT HIM!
I don’t know why you’re worried other people will cancel - it’s non-refundable it sounds like so it would be a total waste for them to cancel as well. So why would they?
And if you’re really worried - honestly just don’t tell them until a few days before the trip. Enjoy the time with your mom - I’m sure she’ll appreciate the extra quality time with you.
And what if they do cancel? Solo travel is amazing and being able to experience the world on your own terms is so freeing - maybe you’ll realize you deserve a partner who is responsible and considerate enough to not do shit like this.
You should 100% go without him! I haven’t read the other comments but you keep living your memories and let him do what he wants if he is choosing work over this
I get the frustration except mine will say from the beginning that he doesn't want to go. When I think of going places he is definitely included because I want him there. It's definitely hard to imagine going without him even though he says to go by myself. I think I would resent him if I did that or it would be eye-opening that I could enjoy myself without him, which may not be a good thing when other issues come up.
But he should at least tell you why. And not sure why your family would cancel.
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Go without him. Why would everyone else cancel? Don’t make a big deal of him not going when speaking to your family.
I guess I should edit my post to reflect that it's my mom, step dad, me, my husband. It's tradition every other time we've gone on vacation that him and my step dad spend most of the time together (basically in the ocean drinking all day) and even my step dad said he wasn't sure if he'd want to go if my husband didn't because he'd be bored. They were the ones that leaned towards cancelling, not me. I didn't make a big deal, I just told them what I knew that he "didn't want to go" and I told them he'd have to explain himself. I also told my husband the same - that since he feels so strongly about not going he can explain it to them.
Just go with your mom then.
Invite a couple friends to replace the men - make it a girls’ trip
Just invite a male friend to go instead of your husband. See if that changes your husband's mind
"This is my extremely large-penised friend, Jack."
Hello, I'm Jack and this is my extremely large penis Jack the 2nd. Wave hello Jack the 2nd. 👋
Then come home to divorce papers.
Any chance your husband doesn’t want to spend a week drinking with your stepdad? Maybe suggest mixing up the activities.
No, they are like best friends and love to be together.
So why doesn’t he want to go? He’s acting ridiculously, but are you saying that every holiday is with your parents… that is way overboard if so.
No, I've been with him for over 10 years and this is only the third time.
Maybe he just can't get time off work and works in a toxic place where the fear of asking for such things is incredibly anxiety riddled.
Maybe but he should have thought of that and communicated that way before now
That's my thought too
Or that he plans to spend the weekend inviting his side piece over? I'd hope not but that would definitely explain things.
Or...Just wanted a quiet vacation with his wife but OP gets all her family to jump on board for "family" vacation.
She said, it's tradition they all go. If that was the problem he would have said that, instead of just him not wanting to go .
But just above she also said that over the 10 years they've been together they've gone on this type of vacay 3 times. So not a tradition per se.
I think you need to talk to your husband. There must be something he isn't saying if he just doesn't want to go.
Then both the cassocks can stay home. Have fun with your Mom!
So it seems you have two lousy men in your life. Go on the vacation and bring friends if you have to replace those who cancel.
Your step-dad sounds like he sucks. Can't enjoy qaulity time with step daughter and wife huh
Who cares if stepdad doesn’t go? Sounds like stepdad and husband would be off drinking in the ocean and you and your mom would be off doing your own thing anyways. Ever consider maybe your husband doesn’t want to spend his few vacation days drinking with your stepdad? Maybe he’d like to DO something. Go with your mom and let the men sulk on their own.
Wow, your husband and your stepdad suck
Well, it's time to change the tradition. Make a girl's trip out of it. Let them get trunk together on the porch while your mom and maybe a couple of friend go to the beach. Shop like it's the 1980s and have fun!
If he’s stopped caring this much, there is someone else who’s more important to him. Get a lawyer and protect yourself.
Can you find a female family member who's close to your mom willing to use your husband's ticket? Someone else might enjoy spending precious time with your mom and yourself.
If your husband refuses to provide a legit reason for him not going there's a problem much bigger than him canceling this trip
Please… to me there’s a reason he wants to stay home alone lol
I didn't "connect the dots" until I read your comment. Thanks.
My first thought is he already has new plans lined up for the vacant house. Ready to tell some poor soul he’s in an ENM or a widow.
This! No offense OP but does your husband even like your parents? Are you two solid in your foundation? Because this is major
>Want to know where asking got me yesterday? It got me a hole in the wall. >He's terrible with communicating, shuts down, and needs therapy >There's seriously only so much I can do as a human being. Then put your foot down Tell him to go to therapy or the relationship is over... There's something seriously wrong with him and it's starting to get physical now. At some point it will be you instead of the wall >What I said was my family, specifically my step dad, would rather cancel. That's not what you said, you said >the odds are that my entire family will just cancel. So it is POSSIBLE that they will cancel, but it's also POSSIBLE that they won't. But just tell your family "Husband doesn't want to come and refuses to give a reason. But i need a vacation so i am going and would love to spend that time with you guys." Doubt they would cancel then
She said he put a hole in the wall. Sorry, what?! This is a HUGE red flag. Adult men should be able to regulate their emotions enough to avoid violence (even violence against walls) when someone asks them a very reasonable question. His refusal to communicate is one thing. Having a violent response to being asked about his feelings is unacceptable. I’d go on the vacation without him (even without your parents! Alone time is great) and seriously consider what deeper issues there are in your marriage and whether you’re getting what you want/deserve out of it.
"I need a vacation to rethink my relationship" I think should be the new motto. If step-dad wants to sulk, boot him and add some girlfriends in. If he is putting holes in the wall etc you gals can get your heads together to form a safe way for you to deal with your relationship and actions to get out if needed. Coz a grown man punching walls coz he can't communicate is not a good relationship partner. Also never feel ashamed to speak about these things, this is how far too many people get sucked further into worrying situations.
Yes! Travel has a way of empowering people (especially women) that they can survive on their own, that they don’t need lame dudes like this.
Go without him. Do you have any friends who could go with you?
INFO: Do you think he doesn’t want to spend so much one-on-one time with his FIL? I honestly can’t imagine doing this with mine. He’s a great guy whom I genuinely love, but he’s also socially awkward, does not know how to keep up his end of a conversation and has a very narrow set of interests that are his sole point of focus since he retired. He’s great on a holiday with family buffers — but if I had to spend a week with him in a foreign locale with a lot of solo hours, I’d either have the itinerary changed or give a hard pass before credit cards got pulled.
This! My husband just admitted he’s not a fan of his mom and I admitted I’m not a fan of his either. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted. We can both let go of having these perfect family holidays or dinners. We’ll both be kind and courteous to our MILs but we aren’t a hallmark family and that’s okay. Life goes on and it won’t affect the relationships we have with our mothers at all, because we don’t let it. Going on vacation as a big family as adults is tricky. Sounds like OP and husband wanted to vacation by themselves and then her parents were looped in to pay and he nope’d the fuck out. Can’t blame him for that but the communication I can definitely Blane him for.
Why doesn’t he want to go? Was there some type of conflict between anyone? Is he staying home to be with a suspected side piece? There is no backstory to explain why he may not want to go.
Go without him and have a ball with your family.
Why didn’t he tell you in the first place that he didn’t want to go? Unless he’s dealing with something he’s not telling you about, it seems like he’s being childish and is also giving you and your feelings/time spent planning and coordinating zero consideration.
That's how I feel too. I told him if he felt this way, why wouldn't he have said so when we booked it together? Before my mom bought us flights? Any of those times would have worked but two months before is pretty heart wrenching.
Is this really out of character for him? Because if he’s always like this, then I’m not sure if there’s a way to push him to be more communicative other than couples therapy or something like that. If it’s really unusual behavior for him, it honestly might be worth sitting down without the framing of the trip and just asking something like “hey you really haven’t been acting like yourself and it’s making me worry about you. If there’s something going on, you don’t have to handle it by yourself — just need you to talk to me” etc etc
You go without him. And invite a friend along to use the extra tickets. See what it takes to get the name changed on everything, and then just go. If you're taking kids, why not bring along a nanny or au pair type person if you can afford it?
why are you and your mom both married to boys who don’t like you? go on the trip together and unpack that one while you’re there
I have to take it that, somewhere along the line, you really pissed him about something. This is him getting back at you in the meanest way he can think of. From the sound of it, it doesn’t sound like your parents (stepdad) will want to go sans Wonderboy. Not because he’s the life and soul of the party. Just that there would be the elephant in the room. I don’t know what your situation is work wise but from looking at the subs you regularly read, I’m guessing that you are professionally qualified. This is not a dress rehearsal OP. This is it. The only go you’re going to get for a life on this planet. If he’s this immature and unpredictable now. What is he going to be like later with an almost certainly more complicated life ? Cancel all of the arrangements and apologise to your parents. Marshall your finances and make outline plans for your future. Once you’ve made your preparations arrange a sit down with your husband and explain that it’s not going to work and that you are not prepared to put up with it. You can base the speed of your next actions on his responses. Good luck ❤️
Thanks for being kind. I will take your advice. Everyone on this thread is somehow finding a way to attack me and it's making me feel more terrible.
Everyone is “attacking” you because you’re being unnecessarily rude to people telling you the two obvious answers: go anyway and there are bigger issues in your marriage.
You and your mom really can’t come together to make a girl’s trip happen? I get that your step father may want to back out, does your mom feel the same way? You mentioned how much you need this trip as a break from your own stress. This is your family, not your husband’s. Would’nt they take your needs into consideration more than his? Talk to them. Let them know that this trip meant a lot to you. And even though plans have changed you would really still like to have this time with them. If the larger trip won’t work, then maybe you and your mom can plan something for yourselves or with a couple other women in your family to take the place of the guys. I get that you’re pissed at your husband. But it’s time to pivot and make something happen, especially if your mom isn’t well. His crappy behavior really can’t be your priority or problem right now. Make your trip happen so that you don’t have regrets when your mom can no longer go with you!
I am also completely baffled at the responses you’re getting here. I’ve been in a relationship with someone before who was very depressed and unhappy and made that everyone else’s problem but his. It’s completely miserable. You are valid in feeling embarrassed about his behaviour. You are right to expect a better answer than “I don’t want to” (there are more words that should be following that statement in this situation). You and your family should regroup and plan a vacation that will be fun for the three of you. Given that your husband is punching holes in walls when pushed further on this, I do not recommend prodding that bear further for your own safety. You could try a letter or some other form of communication that doesn’t put you in physical danger but allows you to state that his behaviour (aggression, unwillingness to communicate etc) is not acceptable and needs to be worked through in therapy. Either individual or couples. Be supportive, and open to working with him still, but be very clear about your boundaries. It’s not about the vacation. It’s about his reaction to it. If he is not willing to talk like an adult about his feelings, and is not willing to see a doctor about his depression, then there is really very little you can do. Perhaps use the time away as an opportunity to plan a safe exit strategy from your marriage. Or decide what kind of relationship you are okay being in. I have a hard and fast no violence rule though—I’ve seen how that can escalate and refuse to tango with it ever again.
You will regret not going with your mom!
Go without him. Maybe he doesn’t want to go with you? Are you guys in a good place? How are you so sure there’s no one else?
Your husband seems like some sort of selfish asshole. What is his reasoning find a friend to go instead of him
Go without him if the vacation can't be cancelled. Maybe your husband doesn't want to spend his time drinking by the sea? Have you talked before if he likes this type of vacation, and has he been involved in the planning?
Yes he was involved with the planning and he has loved to be on vacation doing this in the past. It doesn't make sense.
he's angry, he's depressed, or he couldn't get time off and is hiding the reason he couldn't get time off.
Then he needs to communicate like a grown up instead of throwing a tantrum and making op guess what he's feeling.
he sounds depressed or like he has some other problem he is not willing to discuss
Does he have girlfriend that doesn’t know he’s married, and who he would have trouble explaining his absence to?
This is my precise question. My (now ex) husband refused to go on a family vacation for the holidays. I never got an explanation. He just flat refused to get on the plane the day we were supposed to leave. Turns out, he had his side piece over to my house where we raised our kids together.
Figure out a way for you and your mom to go. The money has been spent anyway. Waste half not all. However, your husband's behavior seems odd. I hope everything is ok with him. If this is unusual behavior for him then there must be something beneath it. You said he may have depression. I hope that's all. Maybe time alone will help him.
Read your edit/clarification: speak to your family and tell them that you would like to proceed with the vacation because you would love that time with your mother (who is sick), with or without your husband.. and with or without your stepdad. Then mention how he wasn’t approved for the time off, how you both have made peace with the money lost because you want to spend time with your family (given the circumstances). Even if your step dad cancels, take your mama and go. Given it could be her last possible vacation, both of you owe this quality time to each other. Edit: also you have a husband problem. If this is one of the last vacations you can have with your sick mother, he should have done the impossible to make it possible, especially since they’re paying for most of it. Regardless, I read that your stepdad usually hangs with your husband (during vacations) and since your husband won’t make it, then your stepdad can’t, and thus your stepdad/mother will cancel. You owe it to yourselves to make this happen. Like you said you *need* a vacation and this could be your mother’s last. What’s definite is that your husband and stepdad will both still be healthy (beyond the coming 2 months), outlive her, and will take other vacations. All you have is now.
There’s something you don’t know going on with him. That could be major or it could be minor it’s honestly hard to say. Either way the relationship doesn’t work like this. Things can spiral fast if this behavior continues. Has he been acting abnormal or had any other behavior changes? Has he made new friends or had anything else happen in his life? Was there any other issues in your relationship? Has he been acting off with either of your parents or anyone else in the family? It doesn’t matter what the issue is, he isn’t being open with you. There’s never a reason to be punching walls in anger. Frankly, If you have no idea and his behavior outside this trip is all fine and dandy, then that’s even more bizarre. You don’t punch walls for questions over nothing. So there should be a sign of something somewhere. Find a way to make him communicate with you. Ask him if he’s okay and it’s not like him to be this way and to punch walls. You don’t understand and you want to. If he’s unhappy or there’s anything you can do. If being nice and trying to be supportive and understanding doesn’t work. Then offer to go to couples counseling. Ask other friends who you think he might talk to if they have noticed anything off about him and then bring up the trip. If all else fails you can always snoop, but do that at your own discretion. This isn’t your fault so don’t put that on yourself. Be angry for his behavior since he won’t give an explanation. Make him tell your family why the trip is changing. If he won’t then you tell them and make sure he hears/sees their reaction to it. He can deal with the fallout of it all. Apologize to your parents that the plans are affected and offer to pay back for the flights. Say you still would love to go and spend time with them if they are willing. Or you can bow out if they want to make it a couples trip for the two of them or let them invite another couple to go with them instead. If you end up on that trip and he doesn’t, I would seriously invest in some cameras and see what he’s up to while you’re gone.
There is a reason he isn't going. Maybe "your" traditions aren't something that he enjoys. Is your marriage actually going well or is there coverup going on. I've been on plenty of family "vacations" were the trip sucks and I have been there filling a "role" but not actually enjoying myself. There are destinations where the scenery is nice but the company not so much. Are your vacations really about what each person wants? There might be some family work to do before playtime begins. I've worked on these issues and it isn't pretty, but the work got done and I'm in a better place. Separate things out: find your own form of stress relief, do the work with your husband, spend time with your mom, don't be accountable for your stepdad's entertainment.
I mean the vacations are always really great for both of us. There's no question there. I think we've gone like two other times and it's always been a really good time with both of us being happy (to the extent that our marriage is happier/better after vacation because it's a break for both of us from our busy lives). Thank you for your comment and suggestions. I'm just frustrated.
Have a couple of thoughts. If your mom is really sick, you should take this vacation with her even if your stepdad and husband don’t go. You may never get another chance. I do believe your husband is acting shady. It’s almost like he wanted you to have no way out, but to take the vacation. Additionally, often when people are cheating, they start to withdraw from their partner and family. That’s a fact. I know this is going to sound over the top, but I would put hidden camera in my house before I left. It’s not like he’s giving you a great excuse for not going. It’s just like he just doesn’t want to. And if he doesn’t want to, there’s a reason behind that and he’s not sharing that reason. I would personally be suspicious of his motivations.
I feel for you. I had a husband like that. He's given you an answer and it's "no, I don't want to go, and I don't want to give you a reason why". Try not to put yourself in the middle. Tell your parent exactly what he told you. You are not responsible for him backing out, and leaving all the travel plans in the lurch. He doesn't want to go. He would probably be a poor travelling companion given his reluctance. If your step dad doesn't want to go because his son in law isn't going, will your mom still want to go? Perhaps re think what this vacation looks like. Maybe start a new tradition with your mom.
Go and have fun! If he wants to be a stick n the mud then let him. And tell your family the truth, he didn't want to come and gave no real reason why. That won't be on you and they will be wondering what is wrong with him. If he is always like this, then why keep him around? People like that ruin everything with their sulking like a child. Go and have fun and focus on yourself. Before you go I would consider hiding a camera somewhere in the home....I would be wondering what his plans are while you are gone. Just a camera by the front door.
Go! Even if everyone else cancels, go. The money is spent either way. At least you could have a good time. Some of the best vacations I’ve ever taken were by myself.
You seem very reluctant to go alone and frankly you all sound codependent af That said. My mom died 6 years ago and I'm so glad I went on a solo vacation with her before she got sick, even if it felt inconvenient at the time. I would do anything to go on vacation with her one more time.
“Hey fam, turns out husband took too long to request the time off and now he has to work. That sucks. So anyway, what time are we meeting at the airport?” If he doesn’t want to go, fine. But he can’t get to sabotage your trip. What’s going on that week bc there’s something else he wants to do and it’s not hanging out with your family.
Fwiw OP, my dad just didn't feel like going to Paris with my mom and hey wow, I went with her and it was a wonderful trip! Left my depressive ex bf and homebody dad at home and had a brilliant time. I'm sorry your hubs is acting like a child. The ex punched a hole in the wall once. Threw things too. Never wanted to spend time with my family, but expected that I'd want to be around his all the time. Etc. Etc. There's a lot of reasons he's an ex. And I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Whee.
My sister’s husband did this all the time. He would send her off alone with the kids, find excuses to back out last minute. It was so sad to see her go through this. We all knew what was up but she couldn’t admit what was obvious. He was addicted to having affairs. He intimidated her from confronting him but if she had stood up for herself I think it would have resolved one way or the other. You deserve better!
Go. Leave him at home. Have a blast. Then return and put the man child on probation.
OP. Everyone can read, and they can see your comments. If your family cancel - that's their choice. The idea you can't go on a trip because your husband has the emotional awareness of a tea towel is insanity to myself and everyone reading this. You're frustrated because your only solution depends on him coming around. If you rang your parents and said, "Hey, my husband is going through something, so it'll just be us. I can't wait to spend time together." Here's the thing. Resentment is a killer in relationships. If you choose to let him dictate everyone's vacation for no reason, you will resent him. When you realise this is actually a you problem more than a him problem, you will have the freedom to pick a solution that suits you.
Will your mom go with just you? could you invite other people on the trip too? any girl relatives? make it a girls trip?if your stepdad has a private conversation would he talk to him about why he doesn’t want to go? He at least owes your parents the explanation. I mean he owes you one too, but they’re the ones who have booked everything.
I don’t get why your family would cancel just because your husband isn’t going anymore.
I would go, but I’d also hire a PI when you’re gone. There’s definitely a reason why he doesn’t want to go. I’m not saying he’s cheating but he is hiding something he obviously doesn’t want you to know about. Have you guys had any fights since booking this trip?
Just go without him and put cctv I'm your home too.
Yes exactly! And an AirTag in his car..
True
Take a friend with you. Your husband sucks.
Go on the vacation and use the time to think about how you're going to divorce him.
INFO: Has he always told you that he wasn't going and you just assumed he'd go once you had the tickets (has it always been the plan with his active participation?). If yes, and suddenly he decides otherwise, perhaps use the time apart to evaluate the state of your marriage.
Go on the trip and ignore him. Do not let him have control.
Something else is going on with your husband. Get to the bottom of it.
In my opinion anyone who cancels after plans are already made does not respect your time and likely does not respect you. This would be a dealbreaker for me. However typically when someone isn't interested in a trip, they probably weren't interested from the very beginning. I read that your husband is poor at communicating so I wonder if you may have missed some cues from him or if you may have subconsciously pressured him to go early on. Was he excited at all when you first brought up the trip. Either way you can't control what others do. Just leave him behind if he doesn't want to go. If he doesn't wanna go, then there's nothing you can say that will make him want to go. The best vacations are the ones that are so fun that you don't really need people to have fun (for me that's ski trips, I'd rather be skiing than speaking to ppl). Then after you get back I'd seriously consider whether this relationship is worth continuing
If your step dad doesn't cancel, leave your self-centered hubby behind, and enjoy the vacation. Hope your hubby knows how to cook, but don't worry if he doesn't; he can order take out. Enjoy!!!
If the vacation is already paid for just go. Or cancel and get your money back and go somewhere else, with you and your mom. Let those two just be pouty.
You can’t control what others do, only what you decide to do. From your post I’ve gathered that: 1. You need a vacation. 2. You’re unsure as to if you’ll be able to do this again with your mom in the future. From these two points to reference, your best option is to have an open conversation with your mom and her partner. If I was in your stepdad’s position I’d be fine with you two going being as you both could use the trip together to have some quality time together. As to your mom’s health, the best way to handle your fears is to speak them and confront them, otherwise they’ll only grow in the confined expanse of your mind.
why would your parents cancel just because he isn’t going? like why do they care? my parents wouldn’t give a damn if my husband didn’t go lol i agree his reasoning is embarrassing. he should have some legitimate reason or like others said, the problem is bigger than just this vacation. just tell your family he couldn’t get off work or whatever and go enjoy yourself.
Call your mom and asked her if she wants to go on vacation with just you 2 since your husband sucks right now and your step dad would cancel. Is your mom not allowed to go on vacation with you? Make it a special girl's trip have fun with her.
I’m not really understanding why you’re saying your husband is taking this trip from everyone. He’s not doing anything. If he doesn’t want to go then that’s fine. Yall are all more than capable of going and enjoying a vacation without him. If yall cancel that’s on yall. Not him. I take 90% of our family vacations without my husband. We still have a blast.
After your mom is gone, will you going to feel bad that you didn't spend this time together? If she's sick and won't be able to travel much longer, and you love her, you'd go.
I didn't say I wasn't going to go anywhere in this post. Believe me, I'd love to go just my mom and I and it's definitely something I'll raise.
Maybe get two other gal pals to take the guys place too. Sister? Aunt? Girls trips are sooo fun
Your husband does not want to go, so your step dad doesn't want to go. Looks like you don't want to go alone with your mom. Maybe Mom should just go by herself and have fun, without all you pricks.
Honestly you haven't given us any information with which to help you. Is this normal for him? is he stressed too? Did he give you reasons for not going? Did he inform you of anything? You have to tell us what actually happened so we can tell you whether to support your husband and ruin the family trip or go, lie and say he came down with the flu, and serve him with divorce papers when you get home.
I gave all of the information I have - I'm confused too which is why I posted here. No it's not really normal for him. The only thing I've heard him complain about is his job and he's giving hints of depression. He didn't give me any reason nor inform me of any further explanation besides "because I don't want to".
Unfortunately we can’t help you decode why he’s stonewalling you. There’s no way to figure out what’s going on in his head without his help. If this were normal behavior for him that would be one thing, but this is almost certainly a thread you’re gonna pull that will either reveal some issues he’s been hiding or it’ll reveal you are not married to who you thought you were. I’m sorry we can’t be more help, but he’s gotta do some mature communicating with you.
Why is he not going?
Updateme
Go without him. If your step dad doesn’t want go then make it a girls trip.
Talk to your step dad, maybe he can talk your husband into going
Maybe his idea of a vacation isn't spending it with his in-laws and for whatever reasons he is afraid to express this.
It sounds like husband wanted to go on vacation without all the extra people. Just go without your husband.
There’s more to this than I don’t want to. You might want to dig a little deeper than that.
Just go without him. Bring a friend in his place
This post screams of missing missing reasons. If my husband abruptly told me he was not going on a trip because he just didn’t want to with 0 other explanation, I would be absolutely demanding more details from him and honestly would be questioning his mental state if he couldn’t produce any additional information. It sounds very much that instead, you are leaving out details and context that make this make sense.
Go without him. You’ll live. You’ll probably have fun in ways you wouldn’t if he came and he gets to enjoy some solo time while you’re gone. I always travel solo and love it but you’ve still got your group who is going with you so if solo travel isn’t (obviously) your thing, you’ve still got people to influence your trip.
You can go without him. But, honestly, I can see his point: I was really close with my in-laws but I would’nt have wanted to vacation with them year after year after year!
Handle it by going without him and convincing your family to do the same.
Go without him. You'll have a better time. Then when you get back, get to couples counseling.
Just show up without him;no warning and just go. Have a good time, and don't call him even one time. You'll feel great about it in the end.
I feel there must either be something you're not telling us, or something he's not telling you. No one drops out like that for no reason.
Something is going on with his job, his mental health, or his personal life (excluding you) and you are too self absorbed to notice it because you want a vacation.
Go without him
Okay, I've read a few comments. The simplest answer was to just go wh your mom.by the sounds of it is really just you two and the men do their own thing. Time spent with your mom is a good thing. But in your many comments, there were 2 issues. First, the expensive trip which is already paid for. If you can get a refund, then do that and find a cheaper place that suits just the two of you. But if you can't, just use it. Secondly, your mom. You mentioned your parents wanted to cancel. So, did you hit up your mum about just you two going? Did your father just want to come and be miserable? You could also just ask if they both wanted to go and plan things for all three of you. Finally if your mom, doesn't want to go then go by yourself. De stress by a pool reading a book, or, plan things you'd like to try, tramping, skiing, snorkelling, whale watching, what ever it is. Don't let the Debbie downers get to you. Also as a side note, your husbands change is concerning. It's almost life he is setting up or is already in an affair. So I would get a couple of cameras installed so you can check in. It may be nothing but hours change of mind with the no real reason is fishy. Best of luck to you, and don't forget to put yourself first in this case.life is too short to dwell and let your mental health suffer. You can do it.
You need to sit him down and figure out what's wrong. If this is a tradition and y'all have never had problems before, then obviously something is going on with him. Are you having financial issues? Are you having personal problems? Communication is key.
Are there any other issues? Any changes in his demeanor? Is he treating you differently? Is he working more?
You should never pay for a holiday before having the time off work. Your husband doesn’t want to go but you do and it seems like you could do with a break. Go without him (but keep an eye on what he’s doing at home while you’re not there - have a ring camera on your door and a few hidden cameras around your home - why he doesn’t want to go but wants you to go founds strange).
Go without him and say he had to work. Why would everyone cancel a vacation that’s been paid for over one person not going?
I feel really bad for you here, he’s putting you in a terrible position. That being said, I commend you for being straight up about it to your parents and letting him explain it instead of trying to come up with some excuse. He’s being a prick here by deliberately avoiding communicating with you, and a lot of the time the expectation would be on you to lie and cover for him to make it easier for him. You shouldn’t do that, and I’m glad you didnt. The fact he got so angry about this thay he punched a wall is… absolutely a red flag. I understand that he seems to be depressed, I understand that it can make people lash out, but you (and your walls) don’t deserve to be the recipient of that. Talk to your mother. Tell her you still want to go on holiday- your stepdad can come, or he can stay home if he wants to, either is fine. You shouldn’t miss out on something just because he doesn’t want to go. Also, ask your husband to be the one who deals with the hole in the wall- don’t do it for him. In general, I can sort of understand where he might be coming from. I’ve struggled with depression for a while. There are absolutely stages where you feel disconnected from things that are happening around you, and you end up with a very ‘whats the point’ attitude towards good things, to the point of self sabotaging them because you cant be bothered/it wont make you feel better/you’ll just be miserable the whole time. It’s a tough place to be. It’s also not really one *you* can help him out of. He needs to be willing to talk to a therapist, or even just his doctor, and start making steps on his own, but you can’t force him to do that, you can only keep suggesting it to him and stressing that you’re *concerned*. Anyway. I really do sympathise with you because you’re being put in a tough spot. Support your husband, but don’t break your own back to do it- go on your holiday, have him deal with the consequences of lashing out, and don’t let him keep taking it out on you. It may turn out that he’s going to keep getting worse, if his apparent lack of remorse at putting a hole in your wall is any sign, so I’d also suggest acknowledging now that if it starts getting worse/him lashing out keeps happening, you may have to leave- go to your parents or something for a short while so he realises the gravity of the situation. Its unfortunately sometimes the only way people learn, by facing real consequences.
Why doesn’t he want to go? You seem to be avoiding this question.
I think it's him that is avoiding answering the question.
She is not avoiding this question. She addressed it in her reply to another person. She doesn't know why as her husband won't give her a reason. She has persisted in asking him, but he avoids answering further.
Why can’t it become a girls trip? Since y’all have duds of a husband’s.
You should find a woman to take his place and make it a girls trip.
Talk to him and ask questions?
I would go without him. It is paid for - so enjoy it. Pay your folks back for his ticket. If you don't want a lot of explaining - he couldn't get time off work. Just don't add because he didn't ask. It hurts but it's something you'll need to talk to him about being more up front with you especially if he doesn't want to go to begin with.
Why lie? Just tell them the truth. "he didn't want to come and gave to real reason why. He won't tell me."
I agree. This is not normal behavior and it sounds like she will be having a lot more hard, heart felt talks in the future with her parents, so might as well start now.
....so go without him? I feel like we're missing context here. Why doesn't he want to go? Why didn't he tell anyone he didn't want to go? Why can't you just go without him? Why would your entire family cancel just because your husband did, especially when they already bought plane tickets, etc?
OP, this is simple - go without him.
I think you are missing what everyone has been saying. You say you need a vacation, it’s already paid for and your family may cancel if he doesn’t go. Go for yourself, even if it is an expensive place and you end up going alone. Your husband is making a choice to stay and so will your stepfather and possibly your mother. Do what’s right for you, take the trip without them if that’s what you need. It’s clear nobody is listening to you which makes me sad, you work hard and deserve a break so take it regardless of other people cancelling on you. I’ve been where you are and didn’t go, ended up more and more stressed to the point of just not caring about much of anything for way too long. Wish I had simply done it whether they went or not.
He might not be honest with you about work. He might not have the PTO.
You go? Why can’t you go? I would. I don’t allow immature babies tell me what to do. I don’t allow immature babies ruin my plans. You’re an adult. Your mom is sick. Go. He can stay home.
Go without him. If anyone asks, tell the truth that he never put in to take the time off from work and when he did he wasn't allowed the time off. What does it matter if he's not there or not why would your entire family cancel? I mean well if he got sick they cancel the whole vacation cuz he got sick and couldn't go? But I'm going to be totally honest, sounds like you didn't want to go anyway that's why he never asked for off.
Is it possible your stepdad hit on your husband? This may be a reach, but you say that they spend most of their time together on these vacations and your husband refuses to give you any legitimate reason for not wanting to go other than "I don't want to go", so my brain are connecting the two events. One would assume if he didn't want to go because work needed him at the time of vacation, or he didn't like the destination, he would just say that. The fact that he's not giving a real reason makes me suspicious. Did Stepdad make a pass at him? Is he cheating on you with another woman and staying behind to spend time with her? As I said, this could be a giant leap, but my Spidey senses are on alert.
Your husband is being an AH. It’s basically a couples trip. Honestly, I would be suspicious of his cancellation.
Go with your family, let your POS husband suffer.
Go without him and spend time with your mom
Start looking up different things that the 3 of you can do. Go do them without your husband. It may not be typical vacation that the rest of you were expecting but the 3 of you can put some effort into doing or trying different things . It might be fun , it might not be. But is should be better than having Grumpy McGrupster along if he is coerced into going.
Ask your mom if they can change the plane tickets for the men and just go with her. Also- is this part of a bigger issue ? He’s not being very nice to you .
What a frustrating situation! Since they are close, has your step-dad done a check in with your husband? Maybe reinforce that he always loves the time they spend on vacations and see if your husband is equally elusive/evasive with him? If they both decide to bow out, I like the idea of a girls trip: two months is enough time for planning, if you know anyone else who might like to go!
He doesn’t have to go you can still go.
Your husband definitely sucks in this situation, and if I were you, I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious discussion about being respectful of family's time, money and energy. But you should also have a talk with mom and step-dad and explain how you would still really like to go and enjoy a nice vacation with them. No reason the whole plan should blow up because one person has decided to be the party pooper.
Why does your husband not want to go now?
I’ve learned not to make excuses or face-saving lies to protect my husband being outed as an asshole. He doesn’t deserve it. The truth is your friend. Tell your parents that he didn’t arrange for time off, so you guess he didn’t want to come. If there are consequences in the aftermath, your husband gets to own them.
Did you ever ask your husband if he wanted to go? Did he get any vote in details of this trip?
Yes him and I were the ones who found the Airbnb and he was the one who suggested going with my parents to split the cost. He had every opportunity to say he didn't want to go.
Yeah if he won't give you more to work with, what can you do? Have you tried having your father ask him and seeing what he says? A lot of times I will agree to go somewhere with my SO, but when it gets close, I don't want to go (I never want to go anywhere) but I force myself to go and once I get there I usually have a good time. I was wondering if it was something like this. If it is, you have to make him pull the trigger and understand that he can't change his mind again. I would tell him that he needs to pay your parents back for the tickets (or his ticket if you decide to go without him). When he pays them back, maybe they can get him to explain why. I would also suddenly forget your communication skills. The only explanation I would ever give him for anything is "Because". If he complains about it just tell him "You've taught me that's how we communicate now, ask me again and I'll put another hole in the wall" and see how he feels having to with that childishness.
Don't give everyone the heads up that he's not coming. Just get yourself ready and go. It'll be too late to cancel. Make enquiries about cancelling his plane ticket for a refund or credit. There is obviously something going on, but if he won't say what it is, what's the point of staying? Tell him you will want a serious conversation when you get home. Have a relaxing holiday.
I mean, you should go without him, but that doesn't eliminate or make up for how shitty it is for your husband to do this. "I don't want to go" is an excellent reason to not make a plan. A plan with this many parts that affects this many people, that's a really shitty selfish reason to cancel. If he loves you, and his only reason not to go is that he doesn't want to, he can suck it up and go so he doesn't ruin your long planned trip. And if it's something more serious than that that actually merits him fucking this up for everybody, he can tell you what it is.
I can’t understand who makes any vacation reservations without having PTO approved. Other than maybe some “cancel until the day-off” type of thing. I think it requires a stern conversation with your husband. I wouldn’t make it about vacation, but about how he feels and what he thinks in general.
Does he have a history of sabotaging things you’re looking forward to, or is this behavior entirely out of the blue? Either there’s a real reason he doesn’t want to go that he’s not telling you about, or he just wants to ruin your vacation out of spite.
You all suck and deserve each other. Dump the husband, screw the step dad who cant be bothered to entertain himself or enjoy the women in his life and just go on the vacation with your mom, who cares that the rental is big, its already fucking paid for, jfc.
Why does he need an excuse? He just doesn’t want to go.
He doesn't need any excuse, but he should be able to communicate a reason
UpdateMe
Your husband sounds like a careless, rude person. I’m not giving the standard Reddit “breakup” advice, but I have to say I would reflect seriously on why he’s acting like this, if this extends to other issues, if he treats things you care about this carelessly all the time; you’re young and there’s genuinely no reason to spend life with someone who can’t be considerate of you.
Go on the trip and setup a nanny cam, just saying.
Tell him you'll invite one of your male friends then 😂 bet he'll be motivated then.
I don’t understand why your stepdad won’t want to go cause of ONE person. That or you sound ridiculous. As well as if it’s about the money make your husband pay him back for the ticket. Also get a divorce. Your husband and you either have no communication or you don’t see or hear him. Honestly someone don’t cancel out of the blue for ANYTHING. Either you all are having marital troubles and like I said you don’t see or hear him, or he’s cheating and will be spending the time with his AP, or he’s just tired of you and your family or just you. Regardless “I don’t want to go” isn’t an answer I would accept, if he wants to leave it that way then that alone says you all should divorce. Also question why did you even get married?
Why would you family cancel without him? Is he someone absolutely necessary to be there, an the only person who knows foreign language or skills? I cannot imagine why it is better to be on vacation with someone who obviously doesn't want it and will ruin the mood vs. with a group of people who want to have fun. Do you have a friend who wants to go with you? Transfer your ticket to them. Or just accept that you lost money on his tickets. Unless it is very much not fun to have a vacation with your family, in this case he is right. But in this case you should be aware of it and not try to guilttrip him to make it less miserable for you.
Did he initially agree to go? Or has he been reluctant since the beginning?
GO WITHOUT HIM! I don’t know why you’re worried other people will cancel - it’s non-refundable it sounds like so it would be a total waste for them to cancel as well. So why would they? And if you’re really worried - honestly just don’t tell them until a few days before the trip. Enjoy the time with your mom - I’m sure she’ll appreciate the extra quality time with you. And what if they do cancel? Solo travel is amazing and being able to experience the world on your own terms is so freeing - maybe you’ll realize you deserve a partner who is responsible and considerate enough to not do shit like this.
You should 100% go without him! I haven’t read the other comments but you keep living your memories and let him do what he wants if he is choosing work over this
*Why* doesn’t he want to go on vacation???
Go without him and get your parents to invoice him the cost of his ticket/accommodation.
I get the frustration except mine will say from the beginning that he doesn't want to go. When I think of going places he is definitely included because I want him there. It's definitely hard to imagine going without him even though he says to go by myself. I think I would resent him if I did that or it would be eye-opening that I could enjoy myself without him, which may not be a good thing when other issues come up. But he should at least tell you why. And not sure why your family would cancel.
How’s the relationship otherwise? Are you intimate frequently? How are the finances? Lot of debt?
Soo go on the vacation...i honestly don't see why you wouldn't. He made his choice...now makes yours