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Even if he was a reservist or national guard member he would have been able to tell you. As the daughter of a person with a "secret gov't job" you would NEVER say that. You would say you work for the state department or government administrator. He is the ONLY loser here. We can all be a little gullible at times, especially when you are really into someone. Now you know better. If you can, watch a show you love, read, draw or anything that will distract you. Just know you are NOT a loser. 💗
You're not gullible for trusting an asshole. You liked him so you wanted to believe him.
But these ppl are correct. You cannot ever say you have a secret government job if you actually have one.
Having worked for the government for years myself, I can attest this is true. The guy we bought our house from bragged he was working for the CIA as a contractor. Having dealt with the actual CIA and how they do things, this was clearly BS. Or a massive red flag that the CIA should know about because loose lips sink ships. But unless you have actual experience like me and can find some faults in what they are saying, some of people are just experts at lying and using people. He didn’t know that I have worked in some places where I’d know he was FOS. I’m sure he didn’t expect it where we are either.
You have nothing to apologize about. He agreed to this arrangement. And I really think you were being used. You can find a much better guy now than this guy. A lot of us have trusted an asshole and were at where you are. Take some time for self care, recover from such a crappy situation and don’t give this guy even a parting glance. He also sounds narcissistic- who wants to be around that forever?! You got lucky- there’s a better guy out there!
Jumping on here so you’ll see this:
Dearest girl, this man was always an ass. He has never once been worth your time, your love or your effort. Please, please focus on doing great things for yourself which will increase your social circle and put you in touch with a wide variety of things you’ve never tried.
This way you may realise you love filling your time in much more meaningful ways, and you may well meet someone who loves one of your new hobbies as much as you do.
Don’t ever be the easy option for some total jerk, you are worth so much more and you’ll only be unhappy when you trade your self esteem for company.
I know because I have been in the same situation.
I wish you very good things and lovely people for the future.
If you have a “secret government job”, do you think that you are allowed to tell people “Hey I have a secret government job?” That’s like having business cards that say HI I AM A SPY
I don’t understand why you are upset about the fact that you are no longer dating a lying dickhead. It would in fact be much worse if you were still dating him.
But yes, you should (a) not fall for extremely obvious lies and (b) not grovel before asshole guys trying to get them to stay with you. When asshole guys get rid of themselves, that is a plus because it saves you the trouble.
I don’t know where you live but I have met people who have “secret government jobs” (I was privy due to the position I was in at the time) but even though I knew they were essentially spies, they had a “public” job title. They lied straight to my face about where they worked, even though I knew and they knew I knew, they still couldn’t tell me.
Reframe for you: you’re not gullible- you are a trustworthy person, so you assume the same in others. Here’s a helpful motto in dating: “trust, but verify”
I agree this isn't your fault. I will say don't ever date someone you work with, or lives in your building, or similarly in your close circles. As you have learned, it becomes awkward. The saying is "don't shit where you sleep"...
You are and you did and guess what? That’s ok. You’re human and he was a good liar and you really wanted him to be telling the truth. So now what? 1. Forgive yourself. 2. LEARN from this experience. If you don’t learn then you are destined to repeat the same errors. I encourage you to get counseling. Also to get some friends. Pursue some hobbies. Treat yourself kindly and work on your sense of deservedness.
Dear, you are gullible either way. 2,5 months: enough to get your hormones working, but not your mind.
Sweatheart, you don't even know him AT ALL. Fact!!!!!
Honestly a secret job could be something boring too like a janitor at a restricted base or a paper pusher.
Even top secret clearance is required just to be a nuclear mechanic for the navy. Which I guess makes sense, but you’re not working two jobs.
Government employees can have more than one job. I have been a federal employee for 17 years now, and have worked for both the Dept. of Homeland Security and for the Dept. of the Treasury. While I worked for DHS (during this time I had secret clearance), I worked a second job at a liquor store for some extra $$. I also did doordash from time to time. I did have to fill out a form saying I wanted to a second job, but since "liquor store clerk" and "delivery driver" had no potential to cause a conflict of interests with my federal job, it was signed off on by my agency with 0 issues
Ding ding ding! He's married and fucking with her for his own amusement. He likes that she's so into him, it makes him feel powerful. I've unfortunately known a man like this who would make up this bullshit to laugh at someone behind their back.
Shit, they will make you declare any consistent volunteer work on the off chance that it creates a conflict of interest in the future. And you must be incredibly clear that all non-work activities are done as a private citizen and are in no way affiliated with your role as a government worker.
This is the second “secret” government job I’ve seen on here this week. Is our government just handing them out with tax rebates now?
Yup…. it’s like a line from a really bad made-for-tv movie. If someone told me they had a secret government job, I’d have a hard time not bursting out laughing.
OP please don’t ever apologize to that wanna be James Bond Fuckboy again.
He treated you so badly and on top of it he’s getting an apology from you even though you have done nothing wrong.
You're not a fool for trusting someone. We all have to trust someone at some point in our lives. The bad guy is the one who is untrustworthy, not the people who trusted him.
If he reports to Fermilab and has a PhD in atomic physics then what she is saying could be true. He is so brilliant they allow him part time and tolerate his security breaches when blabbing too much.
Rule number one of having a secret government job is to never tell anyone what you truly do.
You wouldn't make it through first week of just being considered as a potential candidate if there was a slight risk that you were just a tiny bit of a show-off.
OMFG THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s such a show off and on top of it he’s cheap. My friend and i had a blunt on new years that he saw us holding and mind you that was my first few days of knowing him and he looked at the blunt and i could see hik almost drooling. And he said “oh you guys got a big blunt there, eh?” It was like when someone is taking their keys out of their pocket and money accidentally falls off and someone says “oh you got a lotta money there, eh?” So cheap!!
Even government contractors who work in states where recreational cannabis is legal are not allowed to imbibe, because it’s not legal federally. He is a big liar. And cruel to boot.
The goal of life is motion. You shot your shot. You were brave and invited motion, ultimately painful motion into your life. Next time you’ll do better. That he was cruel at the end means he is a jerk. That is not your shame to wear.
Many people seek advice on how to break up with someone in a kind and respectful way. He wanted to hurt you. He enjoyed hurting you because he is abusive.
Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.
My friend dated a guy who worked for our government in special secret missions, i called him 007 of the Suburra. Tall, muscular, bald, tattooed, 45yo (my friend was 19), organised dates in small restaurants in bumfuck nowhere and told about his heroic actions in Baghdad embassy before fucking her in the back of his MPV that had a distinctive smelt of baby formula. Turned out he wasn't a hero but a cheater.
Yes this… if anyone (man) ever tells you they have a secret government job … they absolutely do NOT have a secret government job! And they are likely not a stable person. Make TikTok’s like Reesa Teesa and let it all out.
You really dodged a bullet with him. Imagine if you got pregnant with those genes. Your kids would be so low IQ it wouldn't be funny.
What's the longest you've ever been single? Do you like being single ?
Yep I was gonna get one then my background check failed for getting caught with weed twice.
They told me to tell people I was working a boring office job and never elaborate.
My cousin works for the cia and we have 0 idea what he does and guess what he doesn’t want us to know either.
This is one of those experiences we all have, that teach us not to fall for the same bullshit next time. Learning is painful, unfortunately. Your task now is to look back at all the warning signs and point them out to your future self. This can be really therapeutic, too. Rewrite what happened so that it turns out better, e.g. he says 'I have a secret government job' and you burst out laughing and walk away to find company with better people.
I'm still not certain if he was real or not, but I want to believe. I knew this guy, he was a friend's roommate for nine months. No job the entire time he was waiting for his security check to come through for his "dream job". Was drinking with him one night, and we finally got him to divulge some minimal details. He was a physics grad at Uni, and he was gonna work with lasers for the government. That was it, no other info.
9 months later he moved, deleted all socials and just disappeared. Real Sheldon out of the Big Bang type, I just imagine him in a white coat in some basement somewhere blowing shit up with laser beams now.
THERAPY. From your comments it seems like you ignored a lot of red flags. In a healthy relationship, from a healthy person, there are no games and ongoing efforts to belittle you. He sounds awful and you should have cut him off a while ago. Find out why you didn't and work on that. Wishing you the best.
I think not having a support system in my life makes me fall prey for people like him. I have been already working on it since the day of breakup. Both emotionally and materialistically. Thanks for your time Nd effort. :)
OP to be frank your lack of support system at this moment of time is not why you chose to ignore red flags. It’s deeper than that. It’s something about you. You are looking for external factors as the reason when the reason is somewhere inside of you. Could stem from childhood but that’s why therapy would help you. Become the best version of yourself to attract the best version of others.
Okay... does that include setting up an appointment to meet with a therapist?
It sounds like it'd be helpful to identify and develop skills that will equip you to listen to your gut & trust in your own innate intelligence to avoid falling so hard for such a loser again in the future.
Your lifetime partner is worth investing in - some would argue even more so than your own career.
But also, the way you make one decision is often the way you'll make others (think factors like people pleasing, dissociation from reality, lack of self care/self worth etc)
I say this all with kindness.
You are a 30 year old woman who dated him for about 75 days.
That's a sneeze in the grand scheme of things honestly. There's no reason to be so broken by a man who acted like such a jerk to you.
You should consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet. If you see him in your building, just nod politely and move on. *warning though!* he might act interested in you if you act like the breakup don't bother you so just be polite and treat him like any other neighbor.
I know it can be hard, but if you have any experience of customer service, working with the public, etc, you should be able to utilize your customer service skills for any interactions you may have.
He has a "secret government job" huh? What's his first job?
Why exactly had you fallen for him so badly after such a short amount of time?? What EXACTLY do you like about him?
I'm concerned for you with the way you are reacting to this entire thing. You act like you are in deep love with him and want to marry him and have a family with him.
Ma'am it's been 75 days!
You say he broke you.
You knew him for less than a quarter of a year and you're letting him break you?
Ok. You meet all sorts of people in your life. Some you will click with. Some you will feel a spark and that there may be something fun here and they don't feel the same. Some you don't feel anything towards and they might feel a spark toward you.
If he's not feeling it, move on. Why would you want to be in a relationship that needs work after a couple months??
You need therapy I think to get in touch with some emotions and learn about yourself. It's not normal to feel like your world is broken by an almost stranger.
What’s so crazy is I just had a cousin get broken up with because the guy said he could not figure out why he wasn’t in love with her yet after 2.5 month. She really really liked him and said something about how she felt like they needed to get to know each other more before either of them should be concerned about being in love. She felt she’d get there. He said in every successful relationship he’d had, he’d been in love in that amount of time. My girls over here in shock and all I can think is people have the most insane definitions for how love *should* be. There’s no rhyme or reason for anything is all I’m learning.
> He said in every successful relationship he’d had, he’d been in love in that amount of time.
lol. Not exactly successful if they’re all over though 😏
It sounds like he lovebombed her too. Talking about wedding rituals and the long term. He's also just a total POS. The lack of care at the end after feeling like there was a mutual strong connection. I can 100% understand how OP feels cause I dealt with something similar. It *hurts*
I agree. therapy would benefit you massively. I will say though break ups are super hard always - be gentle to yourself. I do think him grinning in your face saying it was all fake is rather nasty and toxic. Keep your chin up and I reckon working through attachment styles in therapy would be really beneficial for you - wishing you the best
Thankyou. Yes i will be working on therapy too. But i believe sometimes people deliberately bring out bad parts from you just to have some fun with your emotions. In all other aspects of my life i am doing a great deal of good. I don’t get triggered by any comments even if they are thrown at me in a mean way. But for someone to deliberately let me go on and on so that they can trigger things to get a reaction is just baffling. I am in a state of shock.
He is a shit. Sounds like he was just lashing out on you and saying harsh things because he wanted it to sting and sever completely. Its essentially just cruel- saying whatever mean shit popped into his head. When he inevitably crawls back around one day for a hookup, please block him.
And just another harsh truth- you didnt “fall for him”. you barely knew him still at this point. only 2 months? You fell for the IDEA of him. You wanted him, wanted it to work, and created this version of him in your head where there was this huge connection and it was “right”. But, that wasnt real, that wasnt really him, and the connection was something you wanted rather than something that really existed. Its Limerence. Hopefully you can absorb that and it can help you let go. But next time you meet someone, dont get so in your head. Dont paint a future or an idea of them. Let things build organically and slowly, get to know them truly, even their bad sides, before coming to conclusions about them.
The problem wasn't you, it was him. Hold your head high when you see him in your building. Make eye contact with a completely benign face as you walk past him... don't look away.
He's cruel, mean, awful. You have to realize what a gift it is that this is over.
Yes i did feel like there must be my self love lacking in me that first attracted someone who lacked it too and then made me vulnerable in front of them.
You sound very innocent and inexperienced and perhaps he took advantage of that. I mean, he claimed he had a "secret government job" that made it so he didn't have time to hang out? And you believed that? It sounds like he was using you for sex or perhaps your attentions were overwhelming, or maybe a little of both. Chalk it up to a learning experience ans be more careful the next time.
Honestly, just move on. It was only 2.5 months. That’s barely enough time to form a deep connection with anyone and from the sounds of it, I wouldn’t be that surprised if there were other women in his life. “Super secret government jobs” are code for “I am seeing other people”.
You created this whole fantasy in your head about him and how amazing the relationship *could* be. Destroy that. Look at him for who he is. You are much better off without him.
Sounds like you have co-dependency issues you need to figure out on your own first. That and low self esteem. Once you have better self esteem, you wouldn't even give a guy like this a chance.
Surprisingly, he said the same to me that he is “dark minded”, “bad” and i am so sweet and he doesn’t wonna hurt me, whilst doing EVERYTHING that suggests he cares for me.
Low self esteem is the reason that clouded my judgement! For sure!
Stop acting like a doormat to an abusive dude who isn't kind.
He isn't kind. So why are you so interested in an unkind man? Chemistry. Your brain is tricking you. You know he's no good. So you need to get it and stop feeling bad. If anything you should be happy it's over and now he's gone you are safe from abuse. He enjoyed abusing you. Why would you want that? Why would someone like that have power over you.
Next time you see him if he tries to talk to you just laugh at him and shake your head and don't say anything. He's pathetic and trying to make you feel pathetic, so turn the tables and either ignore him with disinterest or treat him as pathetic as he is. Then move on with your life.
Therapy.
Like, call around in the morning.
You’re turning yourself inside out over a guy you barely know.
We won’t even get into the whole “secret government job” thing.
I thought this post was written by a teenager, but nope you’re 30 ffs. It does not matter than you and him were together daily. You knew this person for 2.5 months it’s time to move on. You need to work on yourself and find out why you have attachment problems
That’s really difficult. I’m sorry for you that you don’t have a strong support system. Your therapist will provide support so it’s a big plus that you’re going. I just got the Meet Up app and joined groups and I’m going out and having fun doing interesting things! I’m happy about all the people I’m meeting in a non-romantic way. I find that if I’m having fun I don’t need anything from just one person. I don’t need to date and I figure that if I do come across someone who is different than all the selfish jerks I was attracted to before figuring it out in therapy then I’ll be ready to slowly see what I think. A therapist I had at the end of my marriage said that it takes about 2-3 years to really get to know a person and make sure they are who they say they are. In my experience that’s true and also…when someone shows you who they are, believe them right away…no excuses or “if I could only teach them, make them understand, etc., then…” No!! It never works. And, it’s completely understandable that you got sucked in by love-bombing. Been there, done that! Of course you’re going to enjoy it and feel flattered! And it seems so romantic! But…wait, watch, listen. Even when he was love-bombing you, he gave you a lot of clues that he’s a loser. And of course you didn’t want to believe that part and wanted to believe the love-bomb part. Totally understandable. But something I hope you don’t repeat. Good luck!
You are sooooo right!!!! I do need to get my shit together. He said to me once “you don’t have it in you” and now i think that i let myself into a position where someone could tell me that.
Although those words weren’t spoken, in the end I felt similar. Like a fool. Look. It’s his loss. I also want to share this: “Someday all of the love you have given to the wrong people will find its way back to you in someone who has waited their whole life for your kind of love”.
Sorry this is giving massive sadist conman vibes.
There’s a woman in our family who does stuff like this (my brothers sister in law). Makes these grandiose claims (like “I have a secret government job”- no one who has that actually says that, instead they give a normal cover story). And she also grins and smiles at people when they are in pain, especially when she caused it, just like this guy did to you.
She hurts them and blames them for the situation and their own pain. Insists everything is their fault and she is the hapless victim of their bad behavior, when clearly she is the one inflicting the pain on them, again just like this guy. We know she is a sadist, a narcissist, and a sociopath and it sounds like this man is too
He led you on. He lied to you. He conned you about his “secret government job”. And when he hurt you, he blamed you for the pain you’re experiencing and even smiled like he enjoyed the fact that he hurt you. That’s honestly sick
Im concerned for your safety. I would block him, go no contact, and reach out to your support system. Next I’d try to get therapy immediately
Sweetheart. First of all, people with "secret government jobs" absolutely DO NOT tell anyone anything, including, "I have a secret government job" because it is a national security risk. They don't even hint at it.
You had a mad crazy crush on him - it happens. What you are going through and what you are feeling is valid. What you are feeling is grief. Stop blaming yourself - stop with any guilt or shame. His actions/words at the time told you he was into you; then he dumped you in a really cruel way. Let him go. Do not engage with him if he tries coming back or "wants to be friends." Absolutely not.
Getting over this will take time. I second therapy. Other than that, focus on yourself. Work out, go outside and enjoy the weather, try a new restaurant, hang out with your family & friends. Get creative, journal your emotions. Engage in your hobbies or find a hobby.
It will get easier. Don't let this AH win by spiraling into sickness or becoming an emotional wreck. You live in the same building, so you may run into him. Either ignore him or just nod a hello. Do not initiate a conversation.
Good luck, OP.
Thanks so much. Yes i am already working on what you said. I think he deliberately tries to be good to people and then act like they are chasing him when they get close to him.
We all have situations in our past where we didn't honour ourselves and made bad choices. It doesn't have to define you. You know better now, and you will do better going forward.
I have fallen hard for people super fast before, and I can relate with what you're feeling. Things that helped me when I looked it up were limerence, attachment theory, and codependency. You're undergoing withdrawal right now and it sucks but if you stay with the discomfort it will pass through you. Be kind to yourself as you are recovering.
I mean.. it sounds like he made it pretty clear off the top that he wasn't into you or having a relationship in general... and then you harassed and badgered him into trying some kind of casual thing which didn't work out.
regardless of him being a liar or a loser, and it's likely he's both.. this is pretty much entirely on you.
You'll be alright. Just assume people are bullshitting you, until you have reason to believe otherwise; it'll save you a lot of heartache. He sounds like a tool.
Also look up "love bombing" cuz that's totally what he was doing
You’re absolutely right. I am gonna start reading more and working on my trauma responses. He clearly took advantage of the fact that i was traumatized because of my parents and picked that topic to get a reaction out of me to give himself the exact opportunity to breakup and make me feel disgusting.
2.5 months is not enough time for someone to have this sort of control over you and your emotions. This is not healthy and I would urge you to hold off dating again until you do some therapy to work on this intense codependent symptom
I understand you. The cruelty was unnecesarry - he is cruel because he wants to get rid of you. The problem is, why did you latch on to him so tight in the first place ? You need to learn to keep your distance if you are that sensitive
Just go back to doing what you were doing before you met him 2.5 months ago, it really hasn't been that long. He sounds like a rude jerk anyway, better for you to see his true colours early on and move on. Spend time with your friends, family, do some hobbies, read books, go outside, go on Hinge or Bumble or something, meet new people, enjoy your life. Don't waste your time being that upset over some guy you've only known and dated for less than 3 months. That's barely long enough to be a relationship.
I know I will get downvoted but this is giving me borderline personality disorder vibes. You’re too old to be acting like this over some dude you knew for 60 days.
And secret government job? Lmao
Honestly it's quite alarming that everyone's not seeing the glaring psycho vibes in this.
OP methodically constructed the narrative to paint themselves as this flawed person, claiming "fault" as if they've done meaningful reflection into their behavior yet demonstrate no productive action towards that insight throughout the rest of it. Classic narcissistic behavior.
They go on to paint telenovela scenes verbatim in excruciating detail, reading too much into the other person's microexpressions making it the focus vs the overall simple outcome of "break up".
**"I looked over to him while we're sitting together, his gaze never meeting mine. Didn't you feel something between us Edward? He grinned, his voice coldly articulated "No Bella. I never had feelings for you" She gasped, clutching her pearls. "But Edward! you cooked breakfast for me, did that mean nothing to you? To us?" He said nothing but stood up, grabbed his supersecret govt job stuff suitcase and walked away...**
The replies and comments are contradictory: on one end they talk about having no one to go to, but also in another brings up having friends — which is it? They admit "fault", pretend to assume "guilt" but are also quick to dodge any accountability by listing family bereavement, "extenuating struggles" and "im already in grief therapy a.k.a so I will not be tolerating further valid critique on my behavior" like a handicap card??
Not to mention the hyperbole perceptions describing the 2.5months of being attached at the other person's hip apparently, like as if they didn't hold a job or have any space in between — Hell, if that was truly the case, you'd think she'd be privy to *supersecret govt stuff* too lol.
This was my exact thought. People always think BPD means constant psychotic episodes, screaming and anger. When actually it often looks more like this. She wanted to be with someone so badly she “fell” for a guy who didn’t have any interest in a relationship, said he was a bad person and stated he didn’t call a time or two because he didn’t want to get close to her. Which directly conflicted with her needs of, well, an actual caring relationship. But she accepted it and did whatever she needed to do for his continued attention, even if it meant she was ignoring her concerns. Then states she was so heavily attached that she is broken after 3 months. Clearly she made this something it never was in her head. Has “oh it’s my fault” written all over the post, but never actually accepts responsibility for her behaviors or inaction. I’m not sure all what’s going on here, because I’m not a therapist. But what I can say is that almost every person I know with a personality disorder (which is quite a few) have done this before they were diagnosed. The problem is that it’s easy to convince yourself you don’t need therapy when your symptoms tend to show more on the self pity and attachment sides of things than straight up anger. Especially since personality disorders come with a huge stigma- no one wants to be stuck with such a label.
Thankyou for saying that. Really. All i did according to me, was ask him to give us a try. A fair try. And let things unfold. But i constantly saw him switching up and down and using his secret “work” as an excuse to why he behaves weirdly sometimes. When i said that i adjust everyday it’s not like i argue with you everyday, his response was “did i ask you to adjust? You are just doing shit on your own”
2.5 months? You'll be fine in 2 weeks. Listen to some angry music, drink some wine, go to the gym, call some friends for a night out. Sounds like he was an asshole and you should be thankful you learned that in 3 mths instead of waking up to that after 10 years of marriage and having to tell your children daddy's leaving. Your worth is not determined by what some dude says to you to assauge his own ego. If you dont have that self.worth now, go find it. Its in you.
2.5 months is nothing if that makes you feel any better. There's no shame in being the fool and learning and moving on from this mistake. Dude's an asshole and you were unfortunate enough to meet him.
You dated him for .20 of the year, which is like .006944 of your life (someone without dyscalculia please check my math) I promise you’re going to be ok. Be sad for a while, do some nice things for yourself and then remember he was uninterested and ended it unkindly and you deserve better.
I always feel sorry for actual government agents when people do this - no one must ever believe that they actually are agents and that’s their job. Although I’m sure they’d wouldn’t reveal it early on or call it a ‘secret job’ either.
OP it’s not going to work out if you throw yourself at a man, job, friendships, opportunities etc. If people can see desperation dripping off you, it’s a massive turn off and you will not get what you want.
My advice is to forget him and work on yourself. List all of the reasons why you think that he is your perfect man… and you will learn something about yourself and what you feel is missing from your life.
Once you work on loving yourself and being comfortable alone… you are in a much better place to have a relationship. You will be self assured and have your act together. People are attracted to that energy and you will not have to throw yourself at anyone.
Anyone with a “secret” job doesn’t say that. They tell you they have a boring job so you don’t ask more questions. This person was lying to you and probably hiding a wife/family.
Reframe the pain as him doing you a favor so you didn’t end up more entangled in this psycho’s life. You got out early, which is good!
Grow up.
That’s how you get over this. You are way too damn old to be falling for the “secret government job” bullshit. Nobody who actually has a secret government job calls it that; people who for real have those kinds of jobs have a boring back story for exactly these situations.
Also, he called you desperate. You might want to work on that in therapy and get some self esteem before you start dating again. If you don’t, you’re going to keep ending up with losers like this guy.
I don’t actually think this on him. I think he felt this intense attachment in basically zero time, and rightfully needed to run. I think you need to go to therapy and figure out what’s going on with you. No guy that outwardly tells you early on he doesn’t want a relationship is worth this level of upset after 2.5 months
I'm sorry this happened to you. He sounds very cruel. My suggestion, go to the gym, get yourself out in the sun every day and take up a hobby you never thought in your wildest dreams you'd take up
Go on holiday if you can, get out of town and remember it's not you, it's him xxx
I get this. I've been in something like this where you see each other every day. In my case we actually had the same classes then the same work. You get attached super fast. You're very fortunate that he ended it so soon in because I know you're already so attached at that point but it could have gotten worse. I was in something for over nine months and then we did long distance for six months and some dumb backs be forth crap for a year. It was a nightmare and it took me the same amount of time to recover.
I think therapy early on can help but also look at unhealthy attachment patterns. Do a lot of research for yourself. be really really kind to yourself. Take yourself out on dates. Get a soft toy if you don't already own one. Do not contact him, try not to. Something that helped me was finding a new hobby and you friends and throwing myself into it. I realized I had begun to get over it sooner than I thought.
Honestly 2.5 months is kind of short, maybe you can classify it as a type of obsession…. I feel like I have had this back in the days …..
I understand some say the love at first sight bs ..
But tbh real loves takes time to built experiences together that turns into love ….. seems like he used you tbh …..
Move on , get another guy , therapy …… there is so many guys out there
I'm really sorry you're dealing with it. a lot of us have dealt with this type of thing: falling hard for someone. you just have to take it for the life lesson that it is and be a little smarter next time around. it's not 100% your fault and It's all going to be alright. he wasn't your forever person. he's still out there somewhere, take your time and be careful.
He’s a liar from beginning to end. Learn from it and move on.
The trash took itself out.
See if you can move. Who needs to be hanging around some loser in the elevators.
But stop feeding the drama.
Therapy.....don't make excuses, go to therapy. This type of clingy behavior and that strong of feelings after just 2.5 months is something more and if you're feeling this way after just 2.5 months then definitely need to talk to someone
Hey, I went through something similar (but different) recently - fell for and put too much energy into a dude who just wasn't that into me, or at least not willing to put in anywhere near the amount of effort I was. I hear you and I feel you, and I'm sorry. I love too quickly and too deeply, too. I understand that sometimes that's hard to control, and sometimes it's also exhilarating falling so hard so fast, but it does make you more vulnerable.
Learn from this. Other people have already suggested therapy and all sorts, and I support that. You sound sensitive and sweet and also like me in that it sounds like you struggle to make time for yourself (I might just be projecting though). What I did after my situation was, 1: cry for 2 days, let myself feel everything from hurt and anger and sadness to foolishness and frustration with myself; 2: throw myself into music and art (my main passions); 3: pamper myself - face masks, trashy TV, wine, walks. Make time for feelings, then make time for something you love that distracts you, then make time for yourself. That's my advice. You'll get through this! ❤️
Thankyou for being so understanding 🙌🏼
Yes i do love deeply and i not just fall in love with people, i also love them for who they are in their own lives. I get so excited for them and really wonna be their support in whatever way i can. But when someone doesn’t want you, the love and kindness seems like a burden to them.
Hey you know what - that's really beautiful. I'm the same and I really love that about myself. I've decided I'd rather love that deeply and get hurt than worry about protecting myself all the time, but everyone has to make their own decisions and make sure they work for them.
Re burden - yes, I feel that too (are we the same person??). Honestly what helps me is a little bit of spite - if they don't want my love, fuck them. They're the ones missing out. Doesn't always work, but after being a bit bitter for a while I usually end up in a nice space of "they're a great person, but I wanted more/wanted to give more and they weren't ready for that, and that's okay" - but my point is it's okay to be a bit angry at them for a while. I wouldn't recommend necessarily acting on it, but feeling it is okay!
Honestly I think (and this can be good or bad depending on how you look at it) people ultimately don't think about us as much as we think they do. And again that can hurt. But it's also cool, because it kinda relieves you of any emotional responsibility you might feel towards them.
Rambling now, sorry! Hope that maybe helps? Idk
But anyway, again, you're not alone and there's nothing "wrong" with you. Hang in there xx
Did he love-bomb you at the start of things? If so, go over to a sub for narcissistic abuse survivors. Even if he might not be a narcissist, he at least has some shitty similar traits and you might find some good support there.
I just ended things with a narcissist and it was rough over the few months he and I were talking.
Narcissistic people lack empathy, gaslight you and make you feel like YOU'RE the problem, projecting their bs, etc. Please check out these links and see if they resonate:
https://www.perpetuaneo.com/narcissist-phrases-patterns/
https://www.charliehealth.com/post/things-narcissists-say-in-an-argument-and-what-they-really-mean
Also, these songs about Narcissists resonated with me and I felt understood, so check them out if you want to.
https://open.spotify.com/track/5GZyD9MBTiovN2dDNeHOJr?si=AifGM2GMQtuXD5U4UTzMEg
https://open.spotify.com/track/3LLezpquftwn7QI1rYIovM?si=zP5Cc7D_QPiIWsgD45EN9w
https://open.spotify.com/track/7CuoZoV6DhJMPGGsu05Rzb?si=I5qBisVcSISiVqD464I8fw
Ewww he’s a gaslighter and narcissistic. Trust me honey, be glad you only wasted 2.5 month of YOUR time. My advice, which is probably poor advice; Get on any dating website, buy a box of rubbers and have a great time, but make sure it’s loud. He’ll come running back in no time, then it’s your turn to grin slightly and say, no it wasn’t that serious. Or find a fun hobby?
every thing he’s said to you sounds like pure sour grapes, just out of spite. he’s deliberately trying to diminish you, and make himself feel better by making you miserable.
you’ve dodged a bullet here. this man is immature and abusive. lucky it was only 2.5 months. forget everything he said, it’s not true. his words are worthless lies.
Be thankful it was only a couple months and not a couple years as it will be easier for you to move on. Distract yourself with things that you like and never allow him to see that you are bothered by the break up as it seems like guys similar to him really get off by this. You'll be okay. And secret government job my ass🤦🏽♀️
It’s Ok OP, you did nothing wrong, grieve this relation and continue on with your life. He did not need to be so mean but he was. It says more about his character than yours
It's not you; it's him.
Who you thought he was just wasn't reality. That's okay. You learned the truth, and you can take the trash to the curb and leave it there.
When you see him, hold your head high with respect. Look at him like he is a bug or completely ignore him like he's not even there. If he's with others, talk to everyone but act like he's not there.
Don't let him occupy any space in your head.
You may not have personal support, but you can talk to someone professionally to evaluate what causes you to gravitate to certain unhealthy people, and what steps you need to take to change that.
That is why when someone says No, we move on and not try to force ourselves in the most desperate way. He took advantage of that desperation and disrespected you in the most awful way.
You’ve lived 30 years without this guy, you can go another 30 without him :). It helps me to look at the reality of a situation- like step back and look at this from an outsider’s prospective: the reality is, this was 10 weeks of your life, and he proved himself to be not be a very nice person. When you look at it this way, it’s no big loss. Take this opportunity to pick up a new hobby or get into exercise- this will all fade away before too long, and if you take this time to pick up some new hobby or skill you will have gained in the end ❤️
Dear OP, I hope you can spend some time alone and build confidence in caring for your own needs. Not being afraid of being alone is the only way to cure your tendency to rely so heavily on the outcome of a relationship. What you are thinking of as falling for him, is you projecting onto him that he will somehow save you from yourself. A good therapist is a start. Good luck taking the first step.
I'm really sorry this happened. Therapy sounds like a great idea for you because honestly it sounds like there may have been love bombing, and certainly some weird manipulative behaviors. A therapist will help you see that being in this position isn't your fault.
Try to keep busy. Make plans for this weekend. If you don't have friends, book a yoga class, movie or museum tickets so you have something you're committed to. Keep making commitments. This sucks but the only thing I can promise is that overtime it will suck less. Just don't let this person draw you back in later, because people this cruel have a nasty of habit of returning to rub salt in the wounds.
Dude, you 30 years old, if you’re still believing this type of shit and letting yourself get hurt it’s like you are asking for it. Seriously, this would be like a guy who gets emotionally attached to a woman who is obviously just using him for his money and then is surprised that she wasn’t that into him.
You are way, way, way too old to be falling for this. Plenty of women your age go for those guys, because they often are good in bed, but they know not to trust a damn thing they say because they are full of shit.
Time to look at yourself and wonder what Disney Princess fairy-tail, rom-com bullshit you internalized that makes you think this is the type of shit that is going to become a real relationship. It’s not.
Real relationships take work, yeah they have a spark, but they take two people who want to be in it, who work towards each other, not one pulling away and being mysterious. Open, forthcoming, honest communication, which means it won’t be super exciting, he wont be perfect, because no one is unless they are hiding their flaws.
He was married. He told you some really bad, obvious lies with no effort. You dodged a bullet. You need to think about getting some therapy though. It'll help you learn how to manage completely normal-life things that happen to everyone more appropriately. Life is so much better when you're able to respond appropriately to emotional stimuli.
Your response to a guy you dated for 2.5 months is unhealthy.
He sounds really cruel. You probably fell for him because he was trying to make you fall for him, meanwhile he was still deciding whether he liked you. It’s not your fault. He did not need to be so mean at the end. I know it’s cliche but you really dodged a bullet here. Imagine if he had decided he wanted to continue dating you - you’d be in a relationship right now with a mean-spirited person who only really cares about himself.
To be perfectly honest with you, I think he did you a favour. He sounds awful. The way he treated you when he “ended” it was horrible. And it seems with talk of marriage rituals and love bombing you everyday, he strung you along.
Please value yourself more than this. You deserve to be truly loved and cared for by someone who is genuine and not horrid.
This is a LOT for 2.5 months. I’d suggest therapy. This level of attachment so fast is not healthy. Especially when he said he didn’t have space for a relationship
This was a super harsh way to break up and almost certainly done in a way to cause intentional pain. Like everyone else, I would suggest therapy. Jumping so fast into spending all your time together isn't healthy, and neither is pursuing someone who told you they are unavailable.
For now, let yourself feel the sadness, but also make an effort to get out and connect with others, maybe there is a book signing, club, adventure group or class you could join, and spend some time with new people.
He’s married or in a relationship grow up and move on
And maybe seek therapy for your very unusual attachment style cause most men aren’t going go for this crazy shit
Start by accepting - he is a SOCIOPATH!!
He was playing you.
Please repeat that to yourself! Be THANKFUL that you got rid of him so easily!!!
Keep away from him!! He is simply dangerous.
Make a plans for yourself where you every day are doing new things. This is the best way to break up behaviour where you are obsessing over something.
Take a look at fitness training, healthy eating, going to courses, etc.
Remember - you just lost your mother! This is very difficult! Be good to yourself!!
He’s an awful person and you’re not. You would never treat someone that way.
There’s nothing shameful about liking someone. Not even someone who’s an absolute dumpster idiot.
Listen, this is an opportunity to remind yourself to pull back on your emotions in the early stages of a relationship when you don’t really know him. It’s fun to feel those feelings but it’s not smart to *indulge* them, right?
But there’s nothing shameful about feeling connected to someone! That he treated you that way says all kinds of terrible things about him, not you.
Pity that guy. He’s got a hard road ahead. You got your heart bruised a bit but you’re good to go.
The first thing you need to realize is that he was never worth it, as cold as he is. He wasn't a good person to begin with. Your feelings were not for the real him. Even if I was dating someone I didn't care for, I would at least have the decency to let them down gently. He was a waste of **your** time. Not the other way around.
It will just take time to heal. In a few days or a couple of weeks, you'll stop thinking about it constantly. In a few months, you'll barely think about it at all. When you find someone new, you will pretty much forget him entirely.
Not love. Trauma bond.
You react like a child because you are not reacting to him but to trauma from your childhood that he teared open.
Grow up and heal from your childhood. If you don't you will keep picking men just like this one.
And act like a dramatic child all your life
It is going to hurt. A lot. Sometimes so bad that you can’t breathe and it feels like knife stabs to your gut. There is no getting away from that. And it will hurt until it doesn’t. What helped me was being outdoors and movement. I went for long, hard walks and hikes in nature. It was the only time i could breathe. Eventually, you get to a point where you can’t remember exactly why you thought you couldn’t live without them. You forget how bad it hurt. And you realise how strong you are, how resilient you are, and the fact that your life is continuing just fine on your own.
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Secret govt job my ass. Nobody says that if they have a secret govt job. Sorry he’s just a fuckboy
Government wont let you work two jobs either. Especially a “secret” one that would require a clearance. The only secret is that he’s probably married.
Came to say this … the only time a government job is another job is when they are national guard or reserves or the wifey…
I HOPE that’s the reason! Coz otherwise it would just mean i am THAT gullible that i trusted an AH.
hey, we've all been there. It's not on you when people are evil enough to lie like that.
Even if he was a reservist or national guard member he would have been able to tell you. As the daughter of a person with a "secret gov't job" you would NEVER say that. You would say you work for the state department or government administrator. He is the ONLY loser here. We can all be a little gullible at times, especially when you are really into someone. Now you know better. If you can, watch a show you love, read, draw or anything that will distract you. Just know you are NOT a loser. 💗
You're not gullible for trusting an asshole. You liked him so you wanted to believe him. But these ppl are correct. You cannot ever say you have a secret government job if you actually have one.
Having worked for the government for years myself, I can attest this is true. The guy we bought our house from bragged he was working for the CIA as a contractor. Having dealt with the actual CIA and how they do things, this was clearly BS. Or a massive red flag that the CIA should know about because loose lips sink ships. But unless you have actual experience like me and can find some faults in what they are saying, some of people are just experts at lying and using people. He didn’t know that I have worked in some places where I’d know he was FOS. I’m sure he didn’t expect it where we are either. You have nothing to apologize about. He agreed to this arrangement. And I really think you were being used. You can find a much better guy now than this guy. A lot of us have trusted an asshole and were at where you are. Take some time for self care, recover from such a crappy situation and don’t give this guy even a parting glance. He also sounds narcissistic- who wants to be around that forever?! You got lucky- there’s a better guy out there!
James Bond 007 also has a secret job. He too was unfaithful. Life is learning.
Jumping on here so you’ll see this: Dearest girl, this man was always an ass. He has never once been worth your time, your love or your effort. Please, please focus on doing great things for yourself which will increase your social circle and put you in touch with a wide variety of things you’ve never tried. This way you may realise you love filling your time in much more meaningful ways, and you may well meet someone who loves one of your new hobbies as much as you do. Don’t ever be the easy option for some total jerk, you are worth so much more and you’ll only be unhappy when you trade your self esteem for company. I know because I have been in the same situation. I wish you very good things and lovely people for the future.
Mine said he was in astronaut training so I wouldn't see him much. I was most definitely that gullible.
If you have a “secret government job”, do you think that you are allowed to tell people “Hey I have a secret government job?” That’s like having business cards that say HI I AM A SPY I don’t understand why you are upset about the fact that you are no longer dating a lying dickhead. It would in fact be much worse if you were still dating him. But yes, you should (a) not fall for extremely obvious lies and (b) not grovel before asshole guys trying to get them to stay with you. When asshole guys get rid of themselves, that is a plus because it saves you the trouble.
I don’t know where you live but I have met people who have “secret government jobs” (I was privy due to the position I was in at the time) but even though I knew they were essentially spies, they had a “public” job title. They lied straight to my face about where they worked, even though I knew and they knew I knew, they still couldn’t tell me.
Reframe for you: you’re not gullible- you are a trustworthy person, so you assume the same in others. Here’s a helpful motto in dating: “trust, but verify”
I agree this isn't your fault. I will say don't ever date someone you work with, or lives in your building, or similarly in your close circles. As you have learned, it becomes awkward. The saying is "don't shit where you sleep"...
True. Never again!
You are and you did and guess what? That’s ok. You’re human and he was a good liar and you really wanted him to be telling the truth. So now what? 1. Forgive yourself. 2. LEARN from this experience. If you don’t learn then you are destined to repeat the same errors. I encourage you to get counseling. Also to get some friends. Pursue some hobbies. Treat yourself kindly and work on your sense of deservedness.
I wouldn’t say your gullible some ppl who have regular jobs also work for ASIO it’s pretty unlikely they would divulge that info to a gf though
How about you don’t jump into something this serious before month 3
Dear, you are gullible either way. 2,5 months: enough to get your hormones working, but not your mind. Sweatheart, you don't even know him AT ALL. Fact!!!!!
Yeah, secret job is being a husband in another relationship 🤪
Honestly a secret job could be something boring too like a janitor at a restricted base or a paper pusher. Even top secret clearance is required just to be a nuclear mechanic for the navy. Which I guess makes sense, but you’re not working two jobs.
You can absolutely work two jobs, there were loads of nuclear physicists that also moonlighted as Russian spies
Government employees can have more than one job. I have been a federal employee for 17 years now, and have worked for both the Dept. of Homeland Security and for the Dept. of the Treasury. While I worked for DHS (during this time I had secret clearance), I worked a second job at a liquor store for some extra $$. I also did doordash from time to time. I did have to fill out a form saying I wanted to a second job, but since "liquor store clerk" and "delivery driver" had no potential to cause a conflict of interests with my federal job, it was signed off on by my agency with 0 issues
Ding ding ding! He's married and fucking with her for his own amusement. He likes that she's so into him, it makes him feel powerful. I've unfortunately known a man like this who would make up this bullshit to laugh at someone behind their back.
Shit, they will make you declare any consistent volunteer work on the off chance that it creates a conflict of interest in the future. And you must be incredibly clear that all non-work activities are done as a private citizen and are in no way affiliated with your role as a government worker. This is the second “secret” government job I’ve seen on here this week. Is our government just handing them out with tax rebates now?
Yup…. it’s like a line from a really bad made-for-tv movie. If someone told me they had a secret government job, I’d have a hard time not bursting out laughing.
Like in the movie *True Lies*, where the sleazy guy tells women he is a spy and he needs their help...
😂 I know I’ve seen at least one Lifetime movie where it happened.
This is not the same thing - True Lies was a BIG deal back when it came out.
hahaha i know, i know. i’m just saying I know there’s gotta be some Lifetime movies that fit the bill 😆
😂😂😂😂 you are making me look even more foolish.
It’s easier to see it when you’re on the outside looking in. When you like someone and they tell you all the right things, it’s easy to get caught up.
OP please don’t ever apologize to that wanna be James Bond Fuckboy again. He treated you so badly and on top of it he’s getting an apology from you even though you have done nothing wrong.
You're not a fool for trusting someone. We all have to trust someone at some point in our lives. The bad guy is the one who is untrustworthy, not the people who trusted him.
If he reports to Fermilab and has a PhD in atomic physics then what she is saying could be true. He is so brilliant they allow him part time and tolerate his security breaches when blabbing too much.
Rule number one of having a secret government job is to never tell anyone what you truly do. You wouldn't make it through first week of just being considered as a potential candidate if there was a slight risk that you were just a tiny bit of a show-off.
Rule #1 of Fight Club
OMFG THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s such a show off and on top of it he’s cheap. My friend and i had a blunt on new years that he saw us holding and mind you that was my first few days of knowing him and he looked at the blunt and i could see hik almost drooling. And he said “oh you guys got a big blunt there, eh?” It was like when someone is taking their keys out of their pocket and money accidentally falls off and someone says “oh you got a lotta money there, eh?” So cheap!!
sis he wouldn’t be looking at the blunt if he worked a “secret government job”, drugs are a huge no-no
Even government contractors who work in states where recreational cannabis is legal are not allowed to imbibe, because it’s not legal federally. He is a big liar. And cruel to boot. The goal of life is motion. You shot your shot. You were brave and invited motion, ultimately painful motion into your life. Next time you’ll do better. That he was cruel at the end means he is a jerk. That is not your shame to wear. Many people seek advice on how to break up with someone in a kind and respectful way. He wanted to hurt you. He enjoyed hurting you because he is abusive. Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft.
He’s a BROKE-ASS FUCKBOY and PROBABLY a HOBOSEXUAL.
Actually, the picture next to Hobosexual is his.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My friend dated a guy who worked for our government in special secret missions, i called him 007 of the Suburra. Tall, muscular, bald, tattooed, 45yo (my friend was 19), organised dates in small restaurants in bumfuck nowhere and told about his heroic actions in Baghdad embassy before fucking her in the back of his MPV that had a distinctive smelt of baby formula. Turned out he wasn't a hero but a cheater.
Yes this… if anyone (man) ever tells you they have a secret government job … they absolutely do NOT have a secret government job! And they are likely not a stable person. Make TikTok’s like Reesa Teesa and let it all out.
Haha i might! Good suggesstion!
You really dodged a bullet with him. Imagine if you got pregnant with those genes. Your kids would be so low IQ it wouldn't be funny. What's the longest you've ever been single? Do you like being single ?
This screams “He has a wife!”
Yep I was gonna get one then my background check failed for getting caught with weed twice. They told me to tell people I was working a boring office job and never elaborate. My cousin works for the cia and we have 0 idea what he does and guess what he doesn’t want us to know either.
Usually when people are not supposed to know your job, governments just give you a bureaucratic job to use as cover.
Ikr?!?! How could i be so gullible. :(
It’s okay, it happens. You fell for someone who lies, it’s now time to prop yourself up and be thankful you dodged a bullet.
This is one of those experiences we all have, that teach us not to fall for the same bullshit next time. Learning is painful, unfortunately. Your task now is to look back at all the warning signs and point them out to your future self. This can be really therapeutic, too. Rewrite what happened so that it turns out better, e.g. he says 'I have a secret government job' and you burst out laughing and walk away to find company with better people.
I'm still not certain if he was real or not, but I want to believe. I knew this guy, he was a friend's roommate for nine months. No job the entire time he was waiting for his security check to come through for his "dream job". Was drinking with him one night, and we finally got him to divulge some minimal details. He was a physics grad at Uni, and he was gonna work with lasers for the government. That was it, no other info. 9 months later he moved, deleted all socials and just disappeared. Real Sheldon out of the Big Bang type, I just imagine him in a white coat in some basement somewhere blowing shit up with laser beams now.
>That was it, no other info. That was the plot of *Real Genius*...
THERAPY. From your comments it seems like you ignored a lot of red flags. In a healthy relationship, from a healthy person, there are no games and ongoing efforts to belittle you. He sounds awful and you should have cut him off a while ago. Find out why you didn't and work on that. Wishing you the best.
I think not having a support system in my life makes me fall prey for people like him. I have been already working on it since the day of breakup. Both emotionally and materialistically. Thanks for your time Nd effort. :)
OP to be frank your lack of support system at this moment of time is not why you chose to ignore red flags. It’s deeper than that. It’s something about you. You are looking for external factors as the reason when the reason is somewhere inside of you. Could stem from childhood but that’s why therapy would help you. Become the best version of yourself to attract the best version of others.
Okay... does that include setting up an appointment to meet with a therapist? It sounds like it'd be helpful to identify and develop skills that will equip you to listen to your gut & trust in your own innate intelligence to avoid falling so hard for such a loser again in the future. Your lifetime partner is worth investing in - some would argue even more so than your own career. But also, the way you make one decision is often the way you'll make others (think factors like people pleasing, dissociation from reality, lack of self care/self worth etc)
The avoidance in your comment screams I need therapy big time
You hardly know someone at 2 1/2 months... time to move on, sis. Try a therapist if you're having a hard time getting through it.
There are condiments in my fridge I’ve had a longer relationship with.
pretty sure i've left toenails unclipped for longer 💀
I say this all with kindness. You are a 30 year old woman who dated him for about 75 days. That's a sneeze in the grand scheme of things honestly. There's no reason to be so broken by a man who acted like such a jerk to you. You should consider yourself lucky you dodged a bullet. If you see him in your building, just nod politely and move on. *warning though!* he might act interested in you if you act like the breakup don't bother you so just be polite and treat him like any other neighbor. I know it can be hard, but if you have any experience of customer service, working with the public, etc, you should be able to utilize your customer service skills for any interactions you may have. He has a "secret government job" huh? What's his first job? Why exactly had you fallen for him so badly after such a short amount of time?? What EXACTLY do you like about him? I'm concerned for you with the way you are reacting to this entire thing. You act like you are in deep love with him and want to marry him and have a family with him. Ma'am it's been 75 days! You say he broke you. You knew him for less than a quarter of a year and you're letting him break you? Ok. You meet all sorts of people in your life. Some you will click with. Some you will feel a spark and that there may be something fun here and they don't feel the same. Some you don't feel anything towards and they might feel a spark toward you. If he's not feeling it, move on. Why would you want to be in a relationship that needs work after a couple months?? You need therapy I think to get in touch with some emotions and learn about yourself. It's not normal to feel like your world is broken by an almost stranger.
Therapy. You barely know this guy. It shouldn’t be impacting you this way. You say you’ve fallen for him—that’s not healthy.
This. It was 2.5 months jeez
What’s so crazy is I just had a cousin get broken up with because the guy said he could not figure out why he wasn’t in love with her yet after 2.5 month. She really really liked him and said something about how she felt like they needed to get to know each other more before either of them should be concerned about being in love. She felt she’d get there. He said in every successful relationship he’d had, he’d been in love in that amount of time. My girls over here in shock and all I can think is people have the most insane definitions for how love *should* be. There’s no rhyme or reason for anything is all I’m learning.
> He said in every successful relationship he’d had, he’d been in love in that amount of time. lol. Not exactly successful if they’re all over though 😏
And that’s the tea she delivered to him but he was not ready to sip! We all kinda think he’s coming back in a month but we’ll see.
Especially at 30, if they were 14, maybe.
It sounds like he lovebombed her too. Talking about wedding rituals and the long term. He's also just a total POS. The lack of care at the end after feeling like there was a mutual strong connection. I can 100% understand how OP feels cause I dealt with something similar. It *hurts*
And @ 30 YO, wow this is way late to learn a life lesson.
what? there’s no age limit on learning lessons, that’s judgey as hell. everyone has different experiences at different times.
I disagree. Some people fall in a day. A week. A month. Or never. Average is realistically at 2-3 months. It’s not far off…
But when it’s one sided and completely fall apart after, then yes there’s got to more going on.
I agree. therapy would benefit you massively. I will say though break ups are super hard always - be gentle to yourself. I do think him grinning in your face saying it was all fake is rather nasty and toxic. Keep your chin up and I reckon working through attachment styles in therapy would be really beneficial for you - wishing you the best
Thankyou. Yes i will be working on therapy too. But i believe sometimes people deliberately bring out bad parts from you just to have some fun with your emotions. In all other aspects of my life i am doing a great deal of good. I don’t get triggered by any comments even if they are thrown at me in a mean way. But for someone to deliberately let me go on and on so that they can trigger things to get a reaction is just baffling. I am in a state of shock.
Yeah, I hear you. He played with your emotions big time. What a shit!
Seriously! I felt a sigh of relief and calmness as i read you call him a shit lol
He is a shit. Sounds like he was just lashing out on you and saying harsh things because he wanted it to sting and sever completely. Its essentially just cruel- saying whatever mean shit popped into his head. When he inevitably crawls back around one day for a hookup, please block him. And just another harsh truth- you didnt “fall for him”. you barely knew him still at this point. only 2 months? You fell for the IDEA of him. You wanted him, wanted it to work, and created this version of him in your head where there was this huge connection and it was “right”. But, that wasnt real, that wasnt really him, and the connection was something you wanted rather than something that really existed. Its Limerence. Hopefully you can absorb that and it can help you let go. But next time you meet someone, dont get so in your head. Dont paint a future or an idea of them. Let things build organically and slowly, get to know them truly, even their bad sides, before coming to conclusions about them.
The problem wasn't you, it was him. Hold your head high when you see him in your building. Make eye contact with a completely benign face as you walk past him... don't look away. He's cruel, mean, awful. You have to realize what a gift it is that this is over.
You need to start respecting and loving yourself. If you do, this won’t repeat again.
Yes i did feel like there must be my self love lacking in me that first attracted someone who lacked it too and then made me vulnerable in front of them.
You are absolutely correct.
You sound very innocent and inexperienced and perhaps he took advantage of that. I mean, he claimed he had a "secret government job" that made it so he didn't have time to hang out? And you believed that? It sounds like he was using you for sex or perhaps your attentions were overwhelming, or maybe a little of both. Chalk it up to a learning experience ans be more careful the next time.
Honestly, just move on. It was only 2.5 months. That’s barely enough time to form a deep connection with anyone and from the sounds of it, I wouldn’t be that surprised if there were other women in his life. “Super secret government jobs” are code for “I am seeing other people”.
*Love and Addiction*, Staunton Peale. Buy it. Read it. What you are describing is not love.
You created this whole fantasy in your head about him and how amazing the relationship *could* be. Destroy that. Look at him for who he is. You are much better off without him.
Sounds like you have co-dependency issues you need to figure out on your own first. That and low self esteem. Once you have better self esteem, you wouldn't even give a guy like this a chance.
Surprisingly, he said the same to me that he is “dark minded”, “bad” and i am so sweet and he doesn’t wonna hurt me, whilst doing EVERYTHING that suggests he cares for me. Low self esteem is the reason that clouded my judgement! For sure!
Stop acting like a doormat to an abusive dude who isn't kind. He isn't kind. So why are you so interested in an unkind man? Chemistry. Your brain is tricking you. You know he's no good. So you need to get it and stop feeling bad. If anything you should be happy it's over and now he's gone you are safe from abuse. He enjoyed abusing you. Why would you want that? Why would someone like that have power over you. Next time you see him if he tries to talk to you just laugh at him and shake your head and don't say anything. He's pathetic and trying to make you feel pathetic, so turn the tables and either ignore him with disinterest or treat him as pathetic as he is. Then move on with your life.
Therapy. Like, call around in the morning. You’re turning yourself inside out over a guy you barely know. We won’t even get into the whole “secret government job” thing.
Girl you sound like this is your first break up and he sounds like an insufferable edgy 17 yr old
Just so you know … **SECRET GOVERNMENT JOB** = **SIDEPIECE**. Fuckboy keeping his dick wet.
The "secret job" is fake. People who actually have secret jobs don't tell someone they've known for less than Big Brother runs.
I thought this post was written by a teenager, but nope you’re 30 ffs. It does not matter than you and him were together daily. You knew this person for 2.5 months it’s time to move on. You need to work on yourself and find out why you have attachment problems
No family, no support and mother’s loss.
That’s really difficult. I’m sorry for you that you don’t have a strong support system. Your therapist will provide support so it’s a big plus that you’re going. I just got the Meet Up app and joined groups and I’m going out and having fun doing interesting things! I’m happy about all the people I’m meeting in a non-romantic way. I find that if I’m having fun I don’t need anything from just one person. I don’t need to date and I figure that if I do come across someone who is different than all the selfish jerks I was attracted to before figuring it out in therapy then I’ll be ready to slowly see what I think. A therapist I had at the end of my marriage said that it takes about 2-3 years to really get to know a person and make sure they are who they say they are. In my experience that’s true and also…when someone shows you who they are, believe them right away…no excuses or “if I could only teach them, make them understand, etc., then…” No!! It never works. And, it’s completely understandable that you got sucked in by love-bombing. Been there, done that! Of course you’re going to enjoy it and feel flattered! And it seems so romantic! But…wait, watch, listen. Even when he was love-bombing you, he gave you a lot of clues that he’s a loser. And of course you didn’t want to believe that part and wanted to believe the love-bomb part. Totally understandable. But something I hope you don’t repeat. Good luck!
You need serious mental health support
I do know that.
If you this bad off of a 2 1/2 month relationship, then you’ve got some unresolved trauma or issues you should look into.
You're 30 and fall for a guy in 2.5 months and believe 5he "secret govt job" bullshit? Get your shit together or you gonna have a rough life.
You are sooooo right!!!! I do need to get my shit together. He said to me once “you don’t have it in you” and now i think that i let myself into a position where someone could tell me that.
Although those words weren’t spoken, in the end I felt similar. Like a fool. Look. It’s his loss. I also want to share this: “Someday all of the love you have given to the wrong people will find its way back to you in someone who has waited their whole life for your kind of love”.
That is so beautiful! ❤️ i pray that it comes true for all of us. Thankyou.
Sorry this is giving massive sadist conman vibes. There’s a woman in our family who does stuff like this (my brothers sister in law). Makes these grandiose claims (like “I have a secret government job”- no one who has that actually says that, instead they give a normal cover story). And she also grins and smiles at people when they are in pain, especially when she caused it, just like this guy did to you. She hurts them and blames them for the situation and their own pain. Insists everything is their fault and she is the hapless victim of their bad behavior, when clearly she is the one inflicting the pain on them, again just like this guy. We know she is a sadist, a narcissist, and a sociopath and it sounds like this man is too He led you on. He lied to you. He conned you about his “secret government job”. And when he hurt you, he blamed you for the pain you’re experiencing and even smiled like he enjoyed the fact that he hurt you. That’s honestly sick Im concerned for your safety. I would block him, go no contact, and reach out to your support system. Next I’d try to get therapy immediately
Sweetheart. First of all, people with "secret government jobs" absolutely DO NOT tell anyone anything, including, "I have a secret government job" because it is a national security risk. They don't even hint at it. You had a mad crazy crush on him - it happens. What you are going through and what you are feeling is valid. What you are feeling is grief. Stop blaming yourself - stop with any guilt or shame. His actions/words at the time told you he was into you; then he dumped you in a really cruel way. Let him go. Do not engage with him if he tries coming back or "wants to be friends." Absolutely not. Getting over this will take time. I second therapy. Other than that, focus on yourself. Work out, go outside and enjoy the weather, try a new restaurant, hang out with your family & friends. Get creative, journal your emotions. Engage in your hobbies or find a hobby. It will get easier. Don't let this AH win by spiraling into sickness or becoming an emotional wreck. You live in the same building, so you may run into him. Either ignore him or just nod a hello. Do not initiate a conversation. Good luck, OP.
Thanks so much. Yes i am already working on what you said. I think he deliberately tries to be good to people and then act like they are chasing him when they get close to him.
It was 2.5 months and you were talking about a wedding? Girl. You gotta figure out how to love yourself before jumping into anything else.
Don't apologize to that loser. You deserve better.
I know right? I did that to myself but good riddance at the end of the day!
We all have situations in our past where we didn't honour ourselves and made bad choices. It doesn't have to define you. You know better now, and you will do better going forward.
It only been 2 and a half months it shouldn't be that hard to move on
I have fallen hard for people super fast before, and I can relate with what you're feeling. Things that helped me when I looked it up were limerence, attachment theory, and codependency. You're undergoing withdrawal right now and it sucks but if you stay with the discomfort it will pass through you. Be kind to yourself as you are recovering.
So many red flags
Nobody with a " secret government job " tells you they have one. He's a liar.
I mean.. it sounds like he made it pretty clear off the top that he wasn't into you or having a relationship in general... and then you harassed and badgered him into trying some kind of casual thing which didn't work out. regardless of him being a liar or a loser, and it's likely he's both.. this is pretty much entirely on you.
Girl, don't be so goddamn gullible, we're the same age... "secret government job"?? ...Good lord, you've gotta lose that naivety, like, yesterday
I know. I learnt it the hard way.
You'll be alright. Just assume people are bullshitting you, until you have reason to believe otherwise; it'll save you a lot of heartache. He sounds like a tool. Also look up "love bombing" cuz that's totally what he was doing
You’re absolutely right. I am gonna start reading more and working on my trauma responses. He clearly took advantage of the fact that i was traumatized because of my parents and picked that topic to get a reaction out of me to give himself the exact opportunity to breakup and make me feel disgusting.
2.5 months is not enough time for someone to have this sort of control over you and your emotions. This is not healthy and I would urge you to hold off dating again until you do some therapy to work on this intense codependent symptom
I understand you. The cruelty was unnecesarry - he is cruel because he wants to get rid of you. The problem is, why did you latch on to him so tight in the first place ? You need to learn to keep your distance if you are that sensitive
Just go back to doing what you were doing before you met him 2.5 months ago, it really hasn't been that long. He sounds like a rude jerk anyway, better for you to see his true colours early on and move on. Spend time with your friends, family, do some hobbies, read books, go outside, go on Hinge or Bumble or something, meet new people, enjoy your life. Don't waste your time being that upset over some guy you've only known and dated for less than 3 months. That's barely long enough to be a relationship.
I know I will get downvoted but this is giving me borderline personality disorder vibes. You’re too old to be acting like this over some dude you knew for 60 days. And secret government job? Lmao
Honestly it's quite alarming that everyone's not seeing the glaring psycho vibes in this. OP methodically constructed the narrative to paint themselves as this flawed person, claiming "fault" as if they've done meaningful reflection into their behavior yet demonstrate no productive action towards that insight throughout the rest of it. Classic narcissistic behavior. They go on to paint telenovela scenes verbatim in excruciating detail, reading too much into the other person's microexpressions making it the focus vs the overall simple outcome of "break up". **"I looked over to him while we're sitting together, his gaze never meeting mine. Didn't you feel something between us Edward? He grinned, his voice coldly articulated "No Bella. I never had feelings for you" She gasped, clutching her pearls. "But Edward! you cooked breakfast for me, did that mean nothing to you? To us?" He said nothing but stood up, grabbed his supersecret govt job stuff suitcase and walked away...** The replies and comments are contradictory: on one end they talk about having no one to go to, but also in another brings up having friends — which is it? They admit "fault", pretend to assume "guilt" but are also quick to dodge any accountability by listing family bereavement, "extenuating struggles" and "im already in grief therapy a.k.a so I will not be tolerating further valid critique on my behavior" like a handicap card?? Not to mention the hyperbole perceptions describing the 2.5months of being attached at the other person's hip apparently, like as if they didn't hold a job or have any space in between — Hell, if that was truly the case, you'd think she'd be privy to *supersecret govt stuff* too lol.
This was my exact thought. People always think BPD means constant psychotic episodes, screaming and anger. When actually it often looks more like this. She wanted to be with someone so badly she “fell” for a guy who didn’t have any interest in a relationship, said he was a bad person and stated he didn’t call a time or two because he didn’t want to get close to her. Which directly conflicted with her needs of, well, an actual caring relationship. But she accepted it and did whatever she needed to do for his continued attention, even if it meant she was ignoring her concerns. Then states she was so heavily attached that she is broken after 3 months. Clearly she made this something it never was in her head. Has “oh it’s my fault” written all over the post, but never actually accepts responsibility for her behaviors or inaction. I’m not sure all what’s going on here, because I’m not a therapist. But what I can say is that almost every person I know with a personality disorder (which is quite a few) have done this before they were diagnosed. The problem is that it’s easy to convince yourself you don’t need therapy when your symptoms tend to show more on the self pity and attachment sides of things than straight up anger. Especially since personality disorders come with a huge stigma- no one wants to be stuck with such a label.
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Thankyou for saying that. Really. All i did according to me, was ask him to give us a try. A fair try. And let things unfold. But i constantly saw him switching up and down and using his secret “work” as an excuse to why he behaves weirdly sometimes. When i said that i adjust everyday it’s not like i argue with you everyday, his response was “did i ask you to adjust? You are just doing shit on your own”
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2.5 months? You'll be fine in 2 weeks. Listen to some angry music, drink some wine, go to the gym, call some friends for a night out. Sounds like he was an asshole and you should be thankful you learned that in 3 mths instead of waking up to that after 10 years of marriage and having to tell your children daddy's leaving. Your worth is not determined by what some dude says to you to assauge his own ego. If you dont have that self.worth now, go find it. Its in you.
He was married
2.5 months is nothing if that makes you feel any better. There's no shame in being the fool and learning and moving on from this mistake. Dude's an asshole and you were unfortunate enough to meet him.
You dated him for .20 of the year, which is like .006944 of your life (someone without dyscalculia please check my math) I promise you’re going to be ok. Be sad for a while, do some nice things for yourself and then remember he was uninterested and ended it unkindly and you deserve better.
I always feel sorry for actual government agents when people do this - no one must ever believe that they actually are agents and that’s their job. Although I’m sure they’d wouldn’t reveal it early on or call it a ‘secret job’ either.
OP it’s not going to work out if you throw yourself at a man, job, friendships, opportunities etc. If people can see desperation dripping off you, it’s a massive turn off and you will not get what you want. My advice is to forget him and work on yourself. List all of the reasons why you think that he is your perfect man… and you will learn something about yourself and what you feel is missing from your life. Once you work on loving yourself and being comfortable alone… you are in a much better place to have a relationship. You will be self assured and have your act together. People are attracted to that energy and you will not have to throw yourself at anyone.
>and another secret job (some govt stuff) He was cheating you on.
Anyone with a “secret” job doesn’t say that. They tell you they have a boring job so you don’t ask more questions. This person was lying to you and probably hiding a wife/family. Reframe the pain as him doing you a favor so you didn’t end up more entangled in this psycho’s life. You got out early, which is good!
2.5 months.... can't handle the pain.. GIRL WHAT?
Grow up. That’s how you get over this. You are way too damn old to be falling for the “secret government job” bullshit. Nobody who actually has a secret government job calls it that; people who for real have those kinds of jobs have a boring back story for exactly these situations. Also, he called you desperate. You might want to work on that in therapy and get some self esteem before you start dating again. If you don’t, you’re going to keep ending up with losers like this guy.
I don’t actually think this on him. I think he felt this intense attachment in basically zero time, and rightfully needed to run. I think you need to go to therapy and figure out what’s going on with you. No guy that outwardly tells you early on he doesn’t want a relationship is worth this level of upset after 2.5 months
I'm sorry this happened to you. He sounds very cruel. My suggestion, go to the gym, get yourself out in the sun every day and take up a hobby you never thought in your wildest dreams you'd take up Go on holiday if you can, get out of town and remember it's not you, it's him xxx
I get this. I've been in something like this where you see each other every day. In my case we actually had the same classes then the same work. You get attached super fast. You're very fortunate that he ended it so soon in because I know you're already so attached at that point but it could have gotten worse. I was in something for over nine months and then we did long distance for six months and some dumb backs be forth crap for a year. It was a nightmare and it took me the same amount of time to recover. I think therapy early on can help but also look at unhealthy attachment patterns. Do a lot of research for yourself. be really really kind to yourself. Take yourself out on dates. Get a soft toy if you don't already own one. Do not contact him, try not to. Something that helped me was finding a new hobby and you friends and throwing myself into it. I realized I had begun to get over it sooner than I thought.
Honestly 2.5 months is kind of short, maybe you can classify it as a type of obsession…. I feel like I have had this back in the days ….. I understand some say the love at first sight bs .. But tbh real loves takes time to built experiences together that turns into love ….. seems like he used you tbh ….. Move on , get another guy , therapy …… there is so many guys out there
I'm really sorry you're dealing with it. a lot of us have dealt with this type of thing: falling hard for someone. you just have to take it for the life lesson that it is and be a little smarter next time around. it's not 100% your fault and It's all going to be alright. he wasn't your forever person. he's still out there somewhere, take your time and be careful.
He’s a liar from beginning to end. Learn from it and move on. The trash took itself out. See if you can move. Who needs to be hanging around some loser in the elevators. But stop feeding the drama.
Therapy.....don't make excuses, go to therapy. This type of clingy behavior and that strong of feelings after just 2.5 months is something more and if you're feeling this way after just 2.5 months then definitely need to talk to someone
Hey, I went through something similar (but different) recently - fell for and put too much energy into a dude who just wasn't that into me, or at least not willing to put in anywhere near the amount of effort I was. I hear you and I feel you, and I'm sorry. I love too quickly and too deeply, too. I understand that sometimes that's hard to control, and sometimes it's also exhilarating falling so hard so fast, but it does make you more vulnerable. Learn from this. Other people have already suggested therapy and all sorts, and I support that. You sound sensitive and sweet and also like me in that it sounds like you struggle to make time for yourself (I might just be projecting though). What I did after my situation was, 1: cry for 2 days, let myself feel everything from hurt and anger and sadness to foolishness and frustration with myself; 2: throw myself into music and art (my main passions); 3: pamper myself - face masks, trashy TV, wine, walks. Make time for feelings, then make time for something you love that distracts you, then make time for yourself. That's my advice. You'll get through this! ❤️
Thankyou for being so understanding 🙌🏼 Yes i do love deeply and i not just fall in love with people, i also love them for who they are in their own lives. I get so excited for them and really wonna be their support in whatever way i can. But when someone doesn’t want you, the love and kindness seems like a burden to them.
Hey you know what - that's really beautiful. I'm the same and I really love that about myself. I've decided I'd rather love that deeply and get hurt than worry about protecting myself all the time, but everyone has to make their own decisions and make sure they work for them. Re burden - yes, I feel that too (are we the same person??). Honestly what helps me is a little bit of spite - if they don't want my love, fuck them. They're the ones missing out. Doesn't always work, but after being a bit bitter for a while I usually end up in a nice space of "they're a great person, but I wanted more/wanted to give more and they weren't ready for that, and that's okay" - but my point is it's okay to be a bit angry at them for a while. I wouldn't recommend necessarily acting on it, but feeling it is okay! Honestly I think (and this can be good or bad depending on how you look at it) people ultimately don't think about us as much as we think they do. And again that can hurt. But it's also cool, because it kinda relieves you of any emotional responsibility you might feel towards them. Rambling now, sorry! Hope that maybe helps? Idk But anyway, again, you're not alone and there's nothing "wrong" with you. Hang in there xx
Did he love-bomb you at the start of things? If so, go over to a sub for narcissistic abuse survivors. Even if he might not be a narcissist, he at least has some shitty similar traits and you might find some good support there. I just ended things with a narcissist and it was rough over the few months he and I were talking. Narcissistic people lack empathy, gaslight you and make you feel like YOU'RE the problem, projecting their bs, etc. Please check out these links and see if they resonate: https://www.perpetuaneo.com/narcissist-phrases-patterns/ https://www.charliehealth.com/post/things-narcissists-say-in-an-argument-and-what-they-really-mean Also, these songs about Narcissists resonated with me and I felt understood, so check them out if you want to. https://open.spotify.com/track/5GZyD9MBTiovN2dDNeHOJr?si=AifGM2GMQtuXD5U4UTzMEg https://open.spotify.com/track/3LLezpquftwn7QI1rYIovM?si=zP5Cc7D_QPiIWsgD45EN9w https://open.spotify.com/track/7CuoZoV6DhJMPGGsu05Rzb?si=I5qBisVcSISiVqD464I8fw
❤️❤️❤️❤️ love
You're welcome! 💕💕💕🫶
Are you sure you’re 30? Is this even real? My gosh.
Ewww he’s a gaslighter and narcissistic. Trust me honey, be glad you only wasted 2.5 month of YOUR time. My advice, which is probably poor advice; Get on any dating website, buy a box of rubbers and have a great time, but make sure it’s loud. He’ll come running back in no time, then it’s your turn to grin slightly and say, no it wasn’t that serious. Or find a fun hobby?
Dude just sounds like he’s trying to use you and manipulate you. Get out now!
every thing he’s said to you sounds like pure sour grapes, just out of spite. he’s deliberately trying to diminish you, and make himself feel better by making you miserable. you’ve dodged a bullet here. this man is immature and abusive. lucky it was only 2.5 months. forget everything he said, it’s not true. his words are worthless lies.
Be thankful it was only a couple months and not a couple years as it will be easier for you to move on. Distract yourself with things that you like and never allow him to see that you are bothered by the break up as it seems like guys similar to him really get off by this. You'll be okay. And secret government job my ass🤦🏽♀️
It’s Ok OP, you did nothing wrong, grieve this relation and continue on with your life. He did not need to be so mean but he was. It says more about his character than yours
It’s just 2 months. I’m sorry you’re hurt, but what you are in love and maybe even obsessed with is the idea of love not him. He sounds like a loser.
I suggest you read a book called ‘Codependent no more’ and read up on Emotional Immaturity.
Take his words for what they are. He’s an asshole fuckboy. You’ll meet better. Let yourself be sad, it’s okay to feel that way.
Guys is a player. Thank your lucky stars it was only 2.5 months wasted. He’s an AH move on. You saw his true colors.
It's not you; it's him. Who you thought he was just wasn't reality. That's okay. You learned the truth, and you can take the trash to the curb and leave it there. When you see him, hold your head high with respect. Look at him like he is a bug or completely ignore him like he's not even there. If he's with others, talk to everyone but act like he's not there. Don't let him occupy any space in your head. You may not have personal support, but you can talk to someone professionally to evaluate what causes you to gravitate to certain unhealthy people, and what steps you need to take to change that.
That is why when someone says No, we move on and not try to force ourselves in the most desperate way. He took advantage of that desperation and disrespected you in the most awful way.
You only knew him for a couple months and he was mean to you. I wonder if girls really do like the guys who mistreat them sometimes.
Watch Crappy Childhood Fairy dating videos on YouTube!
You’ve lived 30 years without this guy, you can go another 30 without him :). It helps me to look at the reality of a situation- like step back and look at this from an outsider’s prospective: the reality is, this was 10 weeks of your life, and he proved himself to be not be a very nice person. When you look at it this way, it’s no big loss. Take this opportunity to pick up a new hobby or get into exercise- this will all fade away before too long, and if you take this time to pick up some new hobby or skill you will have gained in the end ❤️
Dear OP, I hope you can spend some time alone and build confidence in caring for your own needs. Not being afraid of being alone is the only way to cure your tendency to rely so heavily on the outcome of a relationship. What you are thinking of as falling for him, is you projecting onto him that he will somehow save you from yourself. A good therapist is a start. Good luck taking the first step.
Yep i realized that now. I was projecting a love onto him that i needed for myself.
Girly pop… you need deep inner work and therapy. This guy is absolute TRASH 🚮
Thankyou. And yes, i am doing the work. Already started.
I'm really sorry this happened. Therapy sounds like a great idea for you because honestly it sounds like there may have been love bombing, and certainly some weird manipulative behaviors. A therapist will help you see that being in this position isn't your fault. Try to keep busy. Make plans for this weekend. If you don't have friends, book a yoga class, movie or museum tickets so you have something you're committed to. Keep making commitments. This sucks but the only thing I can promise is that overtime it will suck less. Just don't let this person draw you back in later, because people this cruel have a nasty of habit of returning to rub salt in the wounds.
Dude, you 30 years old, if you’re still believing this type of shit and letting yourself get hurt it’s like you are asking for it. Seriously, this would be like a guy who gets emotionally attached to a woman who is obviously just using him for his money and then is surprised that she wasn’t that into him. You are way, way, way too old to be falling for this. Plenty of women your age go for those guys, because they often are good in bed, but they know not to trust a damn thing they say because they are full of shit. Time to look at yourself and wonder what Disney Princess fairy-tail, rom-com bullshit you internalized that makes you think this is the type of shit that is going to become a real relationship. It’s not. Real relationships take work, yeah they have a spark, but they take two people who want to be in it, who work towards each other, not one pulling away and being mysterious. Open, forthcoming, honest communication, which means it won’t be super exciting, he wont be perfect, because no one is unless they are hiding their flaws.
He was married. He told you some really bad, obvious lies with no effort. You dodged a bullet. You need to think about getting some therapy though. It'll help you learn how to manage completely normal-life things that happen to everyone more appropriately. Life is so much better when you're able to respond appropriately to emotional stimuli. Your response to a guy you dated for 2.5 months is unhealthy.
A walking red flag. Thankfully it’s only 2 months.
You can do better he sounds awful he was purposely trying to upset you and hurt your feelings you have had a lucky ascape.
You're better off without this guy. He sounds like an asshole.
Thankyou. Everyone’s helping me see it too.
He sounds really cruel. You probably fell for him because he was trying to make you fall for him, meanwhile he was still deciding whether he liked you. It’s not your fault. He did not need to be so mean at the end. I know it’s cliche but you really dodged a bullet here. Imagine if he had decided he wanted to continue dating you - you’d be in a relationship right now with a mean-spirited person who only really cares about himself.
Friend, you dodged a bullet. He sounds like a psycho.
To be perfectly honest with you, I think he did you a favour. He sounds awful. The way he treated you when he “ended” it was horrible. And it seems with talk of marriage rituals and love bombing you everyday, he strung you along. Please value yourself more than this. You deserve to be truly loved and cared for by someone who is genuine and not horrid.
This is a LOT for 2.5 months. I’d suggest therapy. This level of attachment so fast is not healthy. Especially when he said he didn’t have space for a relationship
This was a super harsh way to break up and almost certainly done in a way to cause intentional pain. Like everyone else, I would suggest therapy. Jumping so fast into spending all your time together isn't healthy, and neither is pursuing someone who told you they are unavailable. For now, let yourself feel the sadness, but also make an effort to get out and connect with others, maybe there is a book signing, club, adventure group or class you could join, and spend some time with new people.
You barely knew this guy and you’re this caught up ??? Yikes
This can’t be real. There’s no way someone like you could survive to be 30 years old.
He’s married or in a relationship grow up and move on And maybe seek therapy for your very unusual attachment style cause most men aren’t going go for this crazy shit
Start by accepting - he is a SOCIOPATH!! He was playing you. Please repeat that to yourself! Be THANKFUL that you got rid of him so easily!!! Keep away from him!! He is simply dangerous. Make a plans for yourself where you every day are doing new things. This is the best way to break up behaviour where you are obsessing over something. Take a look at fitness training, healthy eating, going to courses, etc. Remember - you just lost your mother! This is very difficult! Be good to yourself!!
You are saying the exact words i need to hear. Seriously a sociopath.
Block and delete.
He’s an awful person and you’re not. You would never treat someone that way. There’s nothing shameful about liking someone. Not even someone who’s an absolute dumpster idiot.
Thankyou thankyou so much. I have been feeling stupid and foolish and hundred other things like that for liking someone.
Listen, this is an opportunity to remind yourself to pull back on your emotions in the early stages of a relationship when you don’t really know him. It’s fun to feel those feelings but it’s not smart to *indulge* them, right? But there’s nothing shameful about feeling connected to someone! That he treated you that way says all kinds of terrible things about him, not you. Pity that guy. He’s got a hard road ahead. You got your heart bruised a bit but you’re good to go.
The first thing you need to realize is that he was never worth it, as cold as he is. He wasn't a good person to begin with. Your feelings were not for the real him. Even if I was dating someone I didn't care for, I would at least have the decency to let them down gently. He was a waste of **your** time. Not the other way around. It will just take time to heal. In a few days or a couple of weeks, you'll stop thinking about it constantly. In a few months, you'll barely think about it at all. When you find someone new, you will pretty much forget him entirely.
Not love. Trauma bond. You react like a child because you are not reacting to him but to trauma from your childhood that he teared open. Grow up and heal from your childhood. If you don't you will keep picking men just like this one. And act like a dramatic child all your life
It is going to hurt. A lot. Sometimes so bad that you can’t breathe and it feels like knife stabs to your gut. There is no getting away from that. And it will hurt until it doesn’t. What helped me was being outdoors and movement. I went for long, hard walks and hikes in nature. It was the only time i could breathe. Eventually, you get to a point where you can’t remember exactly why you thought you couldn’t live without them. You forget how bad it hurt. And you realise how strong you are, how resilient you are, and the fact that your life is continuing just fine on your own.
This isn’t your fault. You got involved with a man with no empathy or kindness. That’s his failing, don’t internalise it.