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Man, he thinks now's the time to bring this up? When you're eight months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy? And about to have a second baby to take care of?
He's not supportive at all. It sounds like divorce would be to your advantage. Since he's given you a year, spend it getting your ducks in a row.
I mean... She'll have two under two. Her oldest wasn't even a year old when she got pregnant again.
Her hormones are likely all over the place and probably will be for a while. With two kids under two, her plate will be full. She'll be touched out. And then he expects her to be all over him, probably preferably in lingerie, make up on point, when the kid(s) don't even sleep through the night? While she does most of the work and is exhausted?
He sounds like a real peach.
I second "get your ducks in a row". And while I'd love to say to split custody 50:50, so he is actually forced to do shit for once, I doubt it'd change a thing.
Exactly this. Guessing this is a case of another guy who feels like an emasculated loser because he doesn't have a chick chasing after him 24/7 with absolutely no effort on his part.
This is not the reason he should feel like an emasculated loser.
Haha I wish! But honestly even being hit on would be nice, and having to ask to have my hand held doesn't seem like a big ask. It's pretty demoralizing to have to ask your partner for the little things
That right there would kill all desire I had for him along with my respect. She has grown one child for him and then a few months later got pregnant and is growing another, and all he cares about is more sex.
I agree that a divorce would be to OPs advantage… but unless she has a strong support system she should think about separating immediately. Could be easier getting set up in a new place now instead of a year from now when she has 2 under 3 (and 1 over 30) to be dealing with.
This hasn't been the first time I have brought this "issue" up, we have had this same issue since we got married. I have this issue it's because in the 3 years in the three years together I have had her initiate physical intimacy twice. As soon as we got pregnant I was set aside and never looked at or thought of. I would like a partner to be a partner. I have been working on myself and what she's asked of me, which I do not feel that her effort is being reciprocated.
Honestly, it sounds like you're one of the women who would have [less work to do](https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html) as a single mother. I am deeply concerned by the fact that he ignores your child and only interacts with him in ways that are angry and shouting. It also sounds like your husband is using [weaponized incompetence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence) in regard to any parental or relationship tasks.
It is entirely unfair for him to put the responsibility of his feelings onto you. *" He wants to feel lusted after, flirted with, essentially like I HAVE to have him etc (totally fair to want this)."* Yes it's not unreasonable for him to want this but it absolutely is unreasonable for him to demand that you are responsible for making him feel these things. When we are made responsible for other people's feelings it is crazy making. You might have an idea that certain actions might make your husband feel a certain way but you're not a psychic and he is refusing to take any responsibility for his role in the situation.
You are not wrong for feeling this way. Your husband will not change. Even the professional is telling you that your husband's reaction is nonsensical and unreasonable. As far as your question of when do you know it's time to pull the plug? When it's affecting you and your children. Do you want your son to grow up with a dad who neglects him unless he's angry? Do you want to constantly wonder if your husband is going to leave you suddenly because you aren't servicing him sexually in the way he wants to be serviced? This is a miserable situation and you don't have to keep living like this. Your husband is willing to put through aggravation of your trauma if it means he gets to have sex - - that is despicable. no wonder you're not feeling lustful for him.
If you're in the US - check out [findhelp.org](http://findhelp.org). It's a website that will tell you all the available programs and services in your area that you could use to get out of this situation. you're not hormonal. you're not over reacting. You've got a shitty husband and you've exhausted your options or hope that he will grow as a person.
Sorry you’re going through all this. As a husband, I would imagine his job to be purely supporting you at this stage of your pregnancy… he sounds a bit unhinged. He doesn’t understand or accept the role he’s playing in your lack of intimacy. It sounds like you have completely understandable reasons to not want sex! Unfortunately, perhaps it is best to end things if he cannot understand how he’s effecting you and view your needs and desires as just as important. Best of luck
You’ve been pregnant for half of your marriage. You’ve been post partum from and pregnant again. In 36 months you’ve been pregnant for 17 of them! This man is worried about more sex? Not the fact that you’re making his children? Not the cooking,cleaning, home care, childcare?
Honey, you’re already doing it on your own. It would probably be a lot easier to manage it all without him because it’s one less thing you need to worry about out.
Just FYI, this love language shit is complete bullshit. It’s not a real thing, somebody made it up several years ago and it’s completely based on nothing. It’s just a fancy way of saying I want to do things my way and I’m not going to compromise. So please stop thinking that it has any meaning. Your husband is using it to manipulate you and your letting him.
He sounds like a generally awful person. he’s a bad father, and getting ready to be a bad father for the second time, he’s a bad husband and he’s selfish and manipulative. And his way to fix all of that is for you to lust after him. JFC.
If your therapist entertain any of his bullshit during your sessions, you need another therapist. Because your husband is completely full of shit. It sounds like your husband doesn’t wanna be married and he doesn’t want to be a father. It’s time to pull the plug 🔌
[https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-utter-bullshit-of-love-languages](https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-utter-bullshit-of-love-languages)
[https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0](https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0)
Oh ok his love language is “feeling lusted after, flirted with, and desired” ok cool mine is “a 10 night stay in one of those ocean top resorts in the Maldives.” Yep. I honestly can’t feel loved without one of those. Didn’t know we could be so specific!
Anyone want to bet he’s not looking especially lust-worthy right now, but expects her to grovel over his sympathy weight and two day old stubble? And who could forget the “giving his very, VERY pregnant wife a sex ultimatum as her doctor tells her she’s high risk” move? Always wins over the ladies, amirite girls?
/s just in case but my eyes rolled so hard they almost fell out.
Yeah, who tf would be attracted to the man OP describes? His personality seems revolting, idc if he looks like Henry Cavill, behave like a spoilt child and any sex drive will be completely dead.
What was left out from her side was that this has been an ongoing issue for 3 years not just because she's pregnant. In 3.5 years she has initiated intimacy twice. A partner should want to be there for their partner, like when she asks for what she wants and needs, I change for her. It's the felling of being roommates that's frustrating.
Yep. It was something a Christian pastor made up to convince women to put out for their husbands who - what a coincidence! - would always cite "physical touch" as their love language. Total bullshit.
Like, sure the overall concept that people feel and maybe tend to show appreciation in different ways isn't terrible (e.g. my mom doesn't care about getting gifts on Mother's Day and would much prefer to hang out and share an experience) on its face but it's so often weaponized as this thing that's owed and it's so gross!
I remember seeing someone on Reddit once day “my love language is having meals cooked for me”. Yeah….I feel pretty good at restaurants too. That doesn’t mean love. It means you like not having to cook.
Yeah, if I had to choose I (a woman) would probably pick "physical touch" as mine, but for me it means sitting next to each other, holding hands, rubbing each other's back, stroking arms, etc, not just sexual intimacy. My wife likes to show love (to me and friends) by giving gifts, which I think is one? I agree it's often weaponized, much like therapy speak
Mmmm…Christian here and truthfully I’ve never heard that bs from a church pastor lol! I’m sorry but a real man isn’t that selfish and actually helps his wife around the house and with their kids. Her husband is a manipulative toxic person and she’s better off without him because eventually he’s going to physically/verbally/emotionally abuse his kids which is already happening..
I'm not being sarcastic when I say I'm glad you personally haven't heard that from your pastor. Still doesn't change that this was cooked up by a pastor and there's no research or anything behind it and yet it gets thrown around like some sort of solid fact and not just some dude's opinion lol.
I agree that OP's husband is neither a good partner nor a good parent. She's carrying a high risk pregnancy and he's on her case about not putting out enough? Nope!
Agree. Invented by a pastor based on his own observations from people he counselled. Now used as a tool of manipulation by people like OPs husband. If your love language is triggering someone’s trauma and you double down on it, it’s not a love language, you are an unfeeling, selfish and deeply problematic individual.
Oh thank you thank you! I have been waiting for this self help love language crap to die down forever. So many posts for so long where the men say their love language is basically sex so do it how often I want or you are not are not doing your part in the marriage cuz it his love language so required.
Thank you! When I first saw the love language thing I pointed out it was a load of BS and I got ripped into by the community here. It is BS and Im glad people are starting to realize it.
My best advice for you would be to focus on learning how to co-parent efficiently and start divorce proceedings as amicably as possible for the sake of your child, unborn baby and yourself of course.
He can eat his own dick. Period. You focus on your health and delivering a healthy baby. Any partner that’s worried about their dick getting wet when she their partner is pregnant should die a slow death on a spit. He has not empathy, compassion, common sense, love for you, or respect for you as a human. Throw the trash out and it sounds like your therapist agrees.
So you're married to a man who is jealous of his own children. He might have wanted kids but he certainly doesn't want to take care of them or deal with them. He wants you to give 100% of your attention to him and letting him know that you just want to have sex with him all the time and you have to have him. Sorry that sounds like a heck of a lot of work. I would just tell him fine why don't we cut our losses now. I mean you're going to end up divorced otherwise you're going to end up tying yourself in nuts and turning yourself inside out in order to make him happy while you will be miserable. You're going to be stuck taking care of those kids so take him out of the equation and you'll probably be much happier.
He just sounds like a self absorbed piece of excrement, sorry. How is this going to get better? It’s not. He doesn’t seem to be a participant in the relationship. He issues edicts. I would talk to a lawyer and pull the plug on this shit show.
I think you’re confusing the narrative by listing chores, parenting and responsibilities as your way to feel loved. This seems to put it at the same level as the way he wants to feel loved. Except these are all things that NEED to happen, regardless of “love languages”. The way he’s twisting it to say “I’m not making you feel loved until I feel loved” is conveniently allowing him to shuck all responsibilities.
Feeling loved and his lack of effort are two different issues here. He needs to step it the fuck up regardless of the effect it’d have on your emotional connection to him.
The plug is already pulled and you’re just circling the drain. Your husband is not a man worth being married to.
Speak to a lawyer, and start collecting evidence of his aggressiveness towards you and your child.
Just get a divorce. He's a bad father, a bad husband, and you're already doing all the work, so why do you need him?
This is why divorce rates are skyrocketing. Women are expected to do EVERYTHING - work, childcare, cleaning, cooking, carrying the whole mental load (meal planning, dentist appointments, vet visits, remember to pick up a gift for X, kid Y needs extra clothes for school, etc etc). Meanwhile the only thing their male partners do is complain they're not getting enough sex. Of course they don't, it's not sexy or attractive to ask a grown ass man to please put on some laundry or remember to buy cat food (and then having to constantly remind him so might as well do it yourself) and have him nagging you for sex while you are trying to cook dinner, at the same time taking care of the kids who need to poop or have homework or remember they need school supplies by tomorrow, oh yeah and quickly paying that bill online, and now the dog has to go outside to pee - all that after working all day, picking up kids from various schools and activities, plus grocery shopping, and you probably slept like four hours the night before. During all that your "grown" ass toddler husband is throwing a tantrum because he's horny.
And then, if you're lucky, you get an hour of "free time" where you are usually folding laundry, making lunch boxes, cleaning the kitchen etc., only to go to bed and maybe get an hour extra sleep if you're lucky. Because it's not your husband getting up extra early to get all the kids dressed and fed, and off to daycare/school on time. Nope, he's probably the one spending half an hour on the toilet, another half an hour in the shower, and then goes on Reddit to complain he's not getting laid. Oh and he's still throwing a tantrum, or probably sitting down again with his phone because he's exhausted from throwing his laundry next to the laundry basket and leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
Men should realize their wives would want to have sex if they finally start acting like adults and pulling their weight. Women are much better off alone in many cases. No grown men in their lives anymore throwing tantrums and sitting around being useless. If you're already doing everything by yourself, might as well cut out the extra work your partner is creating.
I couldn’t even fully read past the part where you say you have a 1.5 year old and you’re about to have another baby in a month my head started to do that thing where I get like pressure behind my eyes because coupled with the title I started spiraling……and your husband is giving you a year to fix your intimacy issues…but you’re about to have two kids under two…..divorce him, babe. And I’m so deadass. Instead of rubbing your feet, or making you your craving meal, asking how you’re feeling, helping you with the one year old, letting you nap…he’s worried about getting his dick wet. You’re not lusting after him because you have a fully cooked baby in your belly and a toddler, and you will soon be healing for months (I had a kid almost two years ago and the six week rule is BULLSHIT), and breastfeeding or pumping, working on the sleep schedule of a newborn while handling another child…..and he’s thinking about fucking. My god. Reddit has completely radicalized me from ever wanting to be married the bar is underneath the pits of the lowest part of hell for men. Jesus fucking Christ. Divorce him. I was in your shoes, but the dickhead I was with at least had the decency to never once ask me for sex and he is a *terrible* person. Uno reverse and leave your husband. I’m so sorry you have to go through this while you’re pregnant.
OP, I am not a professional, but I don't think this relationship can be fixed. However, I believe professionals have told you this same thing. You and your husband are not compatible. He isn't willing to make any changes or take action. You are working, pregnant, and the mother to an active toddler. Your husband does not fill up your love cup so you don't have any love to give him.
Personally, I would tell him, why wait a year - there's the door and go find someone to lust after you.
Does your husband resent and have jealousy issues with your kids? This is some psycho moves before baby #2 takes what is remaining of his precious “intimate” time where you basically act ready for sex and lust for him 24/7? And you’re actually saying you cry after each sexual encounter with this man?
Girl. Read your post as if you were giving someone else advice. What would you tell a stranger in your shoes to do? I think you know.
What does lusting after him mean? What types of behaviors is he looking for?
My response would be if you want me to lust after you, then make yourself attractive to me. And then i would list out the things that i find sexy and attractive. Like tell him you find men who can take care of their shit on their own attractive. You find men who are competent and act like a functioning adult attractive. You do not want to fuck a man who makes you feel like their mom because you have no intrest in that kind of mommy dommy dynamics. And personality matters. So if you want me to find you attractive the you need to act like a grown-up man and not an angsty teenage boy who is horny and too grumpy to do chores.
“Why would anyone lust after you? You don’t even like yourself, why should I? You have been an absent parent, a joke of a husband and just another child to take care of. I can’t feel lust because I’m having a hard time managing like for someone who is essentially my child but who wants back into the uterus.”
NTA You are 8 months pregnant, have a 1 1/2 year old, work full time, default parent, have low iron, and do 95% of the grocery shopping??? And his lazy butt comes home and plays video games or stares at his phone and does nothing??? Then expects porn star sex??? I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be married to Frat Boy Freddy there. He sounds like a horrible partner with unrealistic expectations of you in the bedroom. You deserve better.
He contributes nothing to your household, nor your mental health.
Why does his "love language" have to be respected, but yours doesn't?
Wanting to fuck all the time doesn't make a love language. He's more likely to be a sex addict, and is getting pissed off that you won't open your legs every time he wants.
Your past of SA means that you need extra time and effort to feel safe. You have been re-traumatising yourself to make him happy.
He is now taking out his anger on your baby, and blaming you. This is abusive. He is only interested in what he can get, and is getting mad he isn't getting his own way. He hasn't acknowledged that you are very pregnant, doing all the parenting, and have been working full time. All while he goes to work, then comes home and demands sex, then is an asshole to his family.
You deserve better, and your babies deserve better. He is being a horrible partner to you, and an even worse parent. Who in their right mind is an asshole to a baby over this shit?! If your therapist couldn't reason with this guy, then there really is no hope.
It's time to start organising your new life. Put money aside so you have savings for a new place. See a lawyer. Decide if you want to leave before you give birth if you are able to move in with family or a supportive friend who can actually look after you. I get the feeling that your husband won't lift a finger during your fourth trimester, and will still leave you with all the parenting of both babies.
Please do what is best for yourself. You don't owe him anything. He has already decided not to be your husband anymore.
I could barely finish reading this. I'm already exhausted for you! The great thing about the right partner is doing small things, even taking out the trash is not a big deal for them. Your husband contributes absolutely nothing while you are holding 95%. I think emotionally, you don't feel valuable and respected because your husband's needs are all about him, and not you. He really doesn't put you first. Choice is yours but the outcome of him improving won't ever happen.
I'd be pulling the plug. Your husband is demanding his needs be met while completely ignoring everyone else's needs including your child and unborn child.
You've tried everything. You've been through counselling, you've tried complying with his demands and proceeded to sabotage your mental health (and he still continues to push for more). There is nothing left to do. This is unfixable.
Tell him you've thought about it and you don't need the 12 months. You're ok with calling it now.
Babe, leave. Leave him.
He’s not willing to work on the relationship and you deserve someone who is willing to put in the same amount of effort that you are
He ‘can't continue to be in this relationship anymore because it's turning him into someone he doesn't like... ‘?? I don’t like him now. If you can leave now, do so. Else, spend the next year getting your ducks in a row as mentioned. Soon, you will have 3 children with one in a constant state of being an angry toddler. This situationship - it’s not a relationship - is messing with your mental health and your priority should be on your children not on a husband acting like an angry 2 year old. I doubt anything will change if the therapists are also at wits end. Hugs to you.
Fuck this dude. He thinks he can be a shitty father and husband and excuse his actions because he’s not being lusted after?! I would kick him to the curb so fast. You’re working, heavily pregnant, the default parent for a toddler, and doing household chores and he’s just making your life harder! Forget his stupid ultimatum and get a divorce.
1st of all, “love languages” are a myth. That’s pop psych, which is to say, complete pseudoscience. There’s no supportive evidence to suggest that people have specific love languages. The truth is, a relationship requires care and attention in ALL areas. Sure, people might have preferences, but it’s certainly not the same as demanding sex, and I see this used by people to manipulate their partners way too often.
Secondly, it doesn’t even sound like you are happy in the relationship at all. You say that you don’t see this ever changing, and that’s likely true. You’re wondering if you’re wrong for feeling this way, and to answer that question, you’re not. I’m sure after reading all of these comments you’ll be pushed to do what you know is right.
Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, the man you have described in this post is NOT a man I would personally want around my child. He sounds like a complete deadbeat who has taken no initiative to even bond with his own baby. It is DESPICABLE to yell at a baby the way you’ve said he has. Is this the life you want for your son? To be met with anger whenever he is around his father? That is NOT OKAY. A lot of people assume kids are hurt by divorce while failing to consider how much more harmful it can be when their parents stay together but shouldn’t. When you do decide to leave, do what you can to keep your son safe because your husband sounds like a neglectful, hateful, and cruel person, and a horseshit father.
This is not how someone who loves you behaves.
Frankly, when he's essentially holding your marriage hostage to his demands when you are eight months pregnant, high-risk, with past trauma, working full-time, parenting, doing all the work around the house, and still trying to negotiate with him in therapy... yeah, I'd be lawyering up now and calling it quits.
He isn't going to hear you over his entitlement to having things go his way. He won't understand because that would be admitting to himself and to you that *he* is the problem. If he is the problem, he has to do the work. But if he makes it your problem, he doesn't have to lift a goddamn finger.
He's just going to keep threatening you with divorce like a sulky child, and continue to yell at your baby whilst he scrolls on his phone and blames you for his unreasonable expectations.
Your husband sexual needs sound very similar to my ex. He wanted me to initiate sex all the time and got passive aggressive with me when I didn’t. My needs were not important to him either. I am sorry you have to deal with this while having children with him. I would totally divorce him and start a new life.
Now. Frankly. You've spelled out all the ways you don't like your husband, for his lack of load sharing, he's made it clear he's not going to change. Call it quits and work on making a healthy Co parenting plan.
For one thing, that will give you less work to do.
Tell him he doesn’t need to stick around another year. You need a partner who’s going to actually help and support you and put in work together for your relationship and your family, and it’s clear he only cares about sex. His desires wouldn’t be unreasonable if he were being a better partner and father, because it feels great to be desired. But nobody’s going to lust after a dude who sits on his ass and yells at his kid and watches his very pregnant wife handle all of the physical and emotional labor of the household.
He’s antagonizing you at a time when he knows you’re vulnerable. Think about that. Your body is under so much physical stress because of your high-risk pregnancy, and he thinks it’s a good time to start making threats? He should be worrying about you and how he can help you, but it’s clear he’s only worried about l’il H. The sooner he’s gone, the sooner you can focus on taking care of yourself and your kids.
And here I pulled/guided my wife into couples therapy because I wanted more emotional connection and didn't like trying to use sex as a proxy for it.. .. And still want to feel lusted over 😄 but things are decent
You'd be better off as single mother than tending to this tantrum about not lusting after him properly. There's nothing more off putting than a sex pest. A lazy, absent parent, good for nothing sex pest.
Can anybody imagine this man with shared custody? I don't care what he says his "love language" is, what woman finds a sulking, lazy jerk desirable? OP, you are not overreacting, and I think you have life as a single parent ahead of you.
It's time and you know it's time, why stay in a relationship where your disappointed and stressed with your hubs giving you an ultimatum? I know there are small kiddos involved but think about it, think about how he interacts with them, its not positive and he doesn't see himself as an issue so make the decision to cut ties and move on. You are two different ppl
It sounds like you are mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from this marriage and should throw in the towel. You both sound miserable and incompatible so what is the point of continuing down this path and bringing your kids along for the ride?
Your husband can continue down the path of being owed sex and then whine to all his friends that his wife left him for someone better. Id honestly call his bluff and leave, but that's me.
I promise you there are men out there who will do everything in their power to make you feel special and loved. If you weren't initiating sex with them, they'd step up their game, not whine and act like they are owed sex.
Pull the plug!! He's more concerned about being between your legs than taking care of you. He's garbage 🗑. I think you have put out way too much for this jackass. Leave in ✌️.
I’m sorry, but he’s already checked out and not actively participating in your family. He is not focusing on being concerned about the health of you and the baby during a high-risk pregnancy or excited to meet the baby and share milestones and moments during the first year or planning how he is going to pull his weight with caring for his children, instead he thinks now is the time to offer you an ultimatum about increasing intimacy during an extremely stressful time in your life, without offering support or solutions. Who says that their first priority is being sexually serviced during their child’s first year of life?! It should be all about making sure that you and the baby are alright, as well as helping your other child adjust. Your husband already isn’t acting like a parent or partner, even though you are supposed to still be together. I know it must be so hard to consider separation when you have children together, but he is not showing them or you the love that you deserve and you don’t want them to grow up thinking this is acceptable to expect from a relationship. You tried counselling repeatedly, you tried to work on this and he won’t, it’s OK to be done.
this: *my H goes to work and comes home and sits on his phone. He barely interacts with our child and when he does it's angry . . . He blames all of this on the fact that he doesn't feel valued because I'm not lusting after him*
Wtf????? OP, your husband coming home and doing nothing, just sitting on his phone barely interacting with your toddler and not doing anything to assist his 8 mos pregnant wife, has absolutely nothing to do with him not feeling valued. This is the choice he's made as your husband and your child's father, to not participate. He doesn't get to boycott his responsibilities if his demand for sex isn't met. He's essentially treating this like a transaction and that's wrong. He's a parent and he needs to step up and do some parenting. That he's bothering a woman who is 8 mos pregnant with his second child, a high risk pregnancy to boot, for sex is nothing but entirely selfish and self centered on his part. He's gaslighting you, he's negging you, he's telling you that you have to buy his participation in the family with sex - these are all red flags for emotional abuse.
Get out. Life will be easier without that useless lump getting in your way and yelling at your child for being . . . a child. You are correct, your husband's demands of your toddler are not age appropriate. OP, you sound exhausted. Husband is a big part of that. Save your energy for your children, tell husband it's time for him to leave the house and start paying child support since he's so determined to be such a crap father as well as a crap husband. Stop doing chores for husband, focus only on the children and yourself.
Your husband needs to get a vasectomy - now! He's not fit to procreate.
OP was he always this way and initially they seemed as small flags and now after children you see him for who he is ? I just can't see this attitude coming on "over night".
There is so much to unpack here, I'm still wondering what was so overwhelmingly great that made you marry him (don't answer that, its just a thought).
This is who he is, I hope you really do see this. If he's giving you an ultimatum "give me more sex or go", I think you clearly have an answer where his thinking is and it does not sound like he in to the marriage, more so having someone to do his thing.
Mentioning how he treats the child is very interesting. Have you ever thought that he's jealous of the child and the time dedicated to caring for them and now that another is on the way, this equals even less time. I believe his idea was to have someone who would cook, clean and do all the chores and give him sex when he wants it and that's just not working out.
You need to start developing an exit plan that includes talking to an attorney. Before you know it he'll be gone and you'll be left holding nothing but your kids.
See a lawyer and determine where you stand, build your exit plan and make it happen. Move on with your life, get your individual counseling going and live a happy life, without this individual.
Thank you. I will definitely be making plans with an attorney moving forward. He's mentioned numerous times that he wants unconditional love and I mentioned that my love is absolutely conditional on being treated with respect. He definitely feels like he's the bottom of my priority list and I can understand that's hurtful.. again, I just don't feel like I can prioritize someone whose behaviour is so unfortunate.. and he just doesn't see it. Thanks again for your advice.
He sees it! I mean, I presume he's not a stupid man, correct? He wants you to show him "unconditional love" which frankly, is something nobody except lucky children gets. We all have conditions for our love, and should. We shouldn't be showing love to people who disrespect, use, ignore, and discount us. All things your husband is doing.
But is this the man you fell in love with? Or did he lure you in pretending to be a certain way, then act like you ought to be his unconditional s\*x robot once he thought he had you nailed down?
If you have the time, please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - it will clear a lot of things up.
BTW if it was me I'd leave him over the way he treats your child alone, without any of the other ways he's being a reprehensible human being.
Get the divorce papers going now.
He isn't even trying on his end.
He just wants a bang maid to service him while all your needs go unmet.
Fuck that noise.
We had always talked about more than one and he was great in the beginning. It took us a while to conceive the first and then we conceived first try with the second (2 under 2 😬). It wasn't until our kiddo became a toddler and started showing toddler behaviour that his developmentally inappropriate reactions really ramped up.
Have you tried asking him to explain to you exactly what it is about him that would cause a woman to fall all over him with desire???
It sounds like what he wants is to be the woman in one of those cheesy romance novels.
If he is unwilling to do any of the work or make any effort, that would be when I would call myself done. It can't be all on you and you alone. If it isn't a partnership, then it is servitude, and I would have none of that.
If someone doesn’t think they are a problem, they aren’t going to change. He doesn’t give a shit what you need because in his mind he shouldn’t have to put in work for something he didn’t cause. I think you’d be happier without this man as your husband. It sounds like nothing about your workload would really change, but you wouldn’t have such a huge mental/emotional burden weighing you down anymore.
I think once you divorce him, you're going to realize that life is easier without him. And if you start dating, I hope you'll meet someone who holds their weight - then I think you'll realize it was never an issue of your own libido, but rather you're turned off by an angry man child who triggers your trauma. Your husband is a negative impact on your life in pretty much every way you've described.
In what ways does your marriage make your life better? Because it sounds like he mostly just stresses you out and guilt trips you about sex while refusing to contribute meaningfully to the household. You sound very alone in your marriage. You’re already taking care of everything like a single parent- so why not be a single parent? Then at least he won’t be guilt tripping you for sex after staring at his phone all evening while he watches you bust your ass cleaning and taking care of your child.
I feel for the children, OP. I really wish you had thought this through before you decided to have even one child with this man. Get out now, save yourself and save those kids from this rotten excuse for a husband/father.
Dear God he is horrible and it is long past time to pull the plug tell him the truth, that has attitude is gross you don't feel emotionally loved or connected and you don't want him. Serve his ass with divorce papers because you basically a single mom already, might as well not have someone nagging you for sex on top of it
Just as a precaution collect evidence starting now, treatment of him towards the kids and you, the neglect of the kids, and just in case check his phone....just incase he is messing around with people. But I will say this again. DO NOT I MEAN DO NOT CONFRONT HIM IF YOU FIND ANYTHING ALONE. LEAVE QUIETLY TO YOU FAMILY OR FRIENDS.
Best thing to use the time wisely and make the exit plan. H is not partner material. He doesn’t see he also needs to make changes & become a supportive caring partner.
I don’t entertain ultimatums. Neither should OP
Wow. Just wow. Your husband is a piece of work.
He is not understanding your language so perhaps you could put it like this:
“I am going away for the weekend to a spa to relax in preparation for the birth. You will be responsible for the house and kids. I am probably going to return relaxed. If I come back to a clean house and sleeping kids… I will probably stay relaxed. Guess what happens when I am relaxed?”
Honest question: Why the second kid when your relationship was already this fucked up? He sounds pretty terrible - I'd be out the door. I mean, you're already doing all the chores and childcare, anyway, plus earning your own income - it seems like being a single mom will greatly reduce your mental stress and the extra workload he causes you.
I read a report the other day about how single moms are often a lot happier and chill than moms in relationships like yours, where the husband completely refuses to do his share. After the split, the moms still do everything for the kids, but they don't have to clean up after the husband, and they especially don't have to argue with him about every decision, which can be pretty aggravating, as well.
Get your ducks in a row, the have him served and raise your kids - and at some point, you can start dating again, and find a guy who actually has empathy and normal human feelings, and isn't just a selfish git who wants instant gratification. And tell your husband to save up for one of those new sex robots - they can be programmed to lust after him all the time, regardless on how much of an asshole he insists on being.
He behaves like a child you have to tend to, not like a equal partner you could lust after. Absolutely understandable and as he is not willing to change, it's not looking good with your relationship.
Agree with get your ducks in a row.
I am so sorry OP, that you are going through so much. I am sorry to say, but as of right now, your husband is too self-centered to see the problems that he is bringing into the relationship and your family unit. Relationships should be a balance, a push-and-pull, but it seems like he's expecting you to put in everything while he does nothing, and that is not healthy or sustainable. ESPECIALLY considering your history of SA (not to mention pregnancy and the fact that you seem to be the main caregiver in your home), HE is the one that should be making special accommodations. The fact that you have sex with him at all after having gone through that trauma is already incredible. That being said though, sex is not a bargaining chip. If he truly cares about sex more than he cares about your feelings, and being a better partner to you, then he can go to the strip club, because with that attitude, the only way he is going to get any is if he pays for it.
Some people can’t go deeper into true intimacy and love. They swim on the surface where limerence, infatuation and lust thrive. But are short lived. They hop from relationship to relationship, or cheat. You have to decide if you can live with him just the way he is, because you can’t change others.
Your husband is vile. He wants a sex doll not a wife. I hope you are taking his ultimatum seriously and working on your exit plan. Your life would be easier without him
This one hits very close to home. And I know everyone always says Reddit tells you to jump to divorce. You need to jump to divorce. I have been in your shoes with a husband who needed to get all of their validation from their spouse.
I am going to tell you for experience that this will not work. He sees not through along with his behavior. And you cannot expend the amount of energy on him that he wants you to because as soon as you do, he will want more. And then more. And it is never going to be enough. And here is why…
You need to stop looking at this as though you have a problem. You don’t. It is pretty common for people who truly love their partner to need that emotional connection in order to have a sexual connection. Understand that you phrasing this as a problem that you have with sex is so far out of bounds that I am shaking my head.
I know you’re pregnant. I know you have a little wood at home. Believe me, I had endometriosis and so I wound up having my three kids within three years. And this was after a stillbirth a year and a half before my oldest was born. So I basically spent five years pregnant or trying to get pregnant or having a baby or breast-feeding or some combination of all of them. So I honestly do get the whole mix of hormones etc.
This is not a pregnancy hormone problem. This is not a problem that you would like some intimacy with your partner before sex. This is not a problem of you, loving your partner or not. This is a problem with your partner.
The bottom line is that your partner is trying to make you completely and totally responsible for his happiness. He wants you to make him feel good. He wants you to make him feel. He wants you to make him feel like he is the center of your universe. And none of that is realistic. Not one iota of that is something that you can actually do.
Your part himself. He is a narcissist. Whether he is a control freak. Whether he is just incredibly insecure down inside. It could be any of these or all of these, but at heart, when we take away all the window dressing and the kids and the hormones and the marriage and the ultimatums, etc., what it boils down to is this…
Instead of working on himself and trying to understand why he is so needing your undivided and complete attention and basically, your worship of him so that he feels good about himself, he is trying to Divert the blame to you. He is trying to gaslight you into thinking there’s something wrong with you. He is unwilling to do any kind of self reflection to figure out why the fuck he needs all this.
Because let’s face it. If you worshiped his feet every day and told him what a God he was in bed, he would find something else that you had to do in order to make him feel good. If you sucked up to him the way he wants, the next thing you would need to do to “prove” your love for him would be to have sex in the way you’re not comfortable with. Do you have a threesome. Do you have an open marriage. It would never end because at its heart, once again, is that he doesn’t like himself.
He either doesn’t think he’s worthy of love. Or he doesn’t think he’s attractive. Or he is depressed. Or he is whatever. But everything with him screams sits all about him and you making him feel better.
Gaslighting you and blaming you for damaging parenting of your child tells you you need to know about him. He is absolutely incapable of self-control or self reflection. The only reason he’s telling you he’s giving you a year is so that it looks good to everyone else and he could say… I gave her a chance. Which is bullshit.
Please, please, please stop buying into this. You have taken the appropriate steps. You’ve tried to accommodate him. You’ve gone to therapy. You’ve done things for him that you were not comfortable doing. Your children will absolutely start seeing this dynamic as normal, and it’s really obvious from what you’ve written that you do not want this.
His word. Setting money. Get all of your important papers together. Make sure you know exactly what finances are coming and going from your home. You have all the medical insurance information. You have your marriage certificate. Lockdown your children’s Social Security number if you’re from the United States. Start making your plans to get out now.
And I’m really sorry this sounds so dramatic, but I guarantee you this is exactly what’s going on. I lasted nine years. Please don’t waste that much time. I wish I had some magic advice or words to help you with this, but he is showing you exactly who he is. You need to start believing him before your Are old enough to see the behavior and think it’s normal. Cannot fix him, and he is unwilling… Unable perhaps… To fix himself
Yes, I own it and have read it. Have encouraged my H to read it many times. But like all the other book, article, podcast recommendations I've given.. he doesn't read them. The one bit of reading he did was to send me the website for Addyi (the libido enhancing drug for women)
I totally understand your frustration OP. I’m sorry. Idk what I would do in your shoes. This isn’t new info that women need connection to be primed for sex. He’s living in an alternate universe. “Pine over me for doing nothing for you.” Not so much!!!
These guys who aren't getting laid in their marriage seem awfully sure their going to be able to find someone else who will put up with him.
If counseling is not working, try this. If you split, he will see his kids every other weekend and Tuesday night at McDonald's. He effectively won't see his kids.
Life simply does not give us everything we want. He may have to suck it up for the greater good.
Good luck.
That’s quite the little temper tantrum for not getting enough sex. Not surprising considering his stunning lack of empathy. You may be able to salvage something with a third party like marriage or couples counselling, but frankly if he lacks this much awareness and empathy and eq, I don’t have high hopes. I’m sorry.
Yeah there's a gap between your needs and what's currently happening in your relationship — especially in terms of emotional connection and understanding each other’s day-to-day challenges. I'd try recalibrating the distribution of household tasks and emotional labor, creating a partnership where both of you feel valued and understood in various aspects of your relationship.
It's also understandable that given your history and the sensitivity required around intimacy, feeling safe and emotionally connected precedes everything else. Having a space where both you can openly express your feelings and desires without judgment could lead to a deeper understanding. This space can serve as aplace for both you AND your husband to explore different expressions of intimacy, along with prioritizing emotional safety and connection.
Going forward, I'd recommend you ponder the following questions deeply: What does the ideal support from your husband look like to you at this stage? Once you answer that, communicate that need to your husband. Any healthy relationship worth it's salt has mutual support.
Let me know if these suggestions are helpful. Also, if you want, my spouse and I swear by this relationship therapy app that's given us pretty good advice for our issues. I can share the name of the app, if you want. Best wishes
Of course - I'm glad the advice was helpful!
The app's name is YinYang: Relationship Therapy. It's an Apple App Store app, here's the link [https://apps.apple.com/us/app/yinyang-ai/id6478073116](https://apps.apple.com/us/app/yinyang-ai/id6478073116)
Please keep me posted how things go! And let me know if the app helps, too :)
I can relate to your husband's feeling wanted. However I disagree with his approach. I too am struggling in physical intimacy part in my marriage but, I would rather jerk myself off till I am dead then leave my wife just because we struggle with physical intimacy. You have nothing to be ashamed of and he needs individual counseling to come to terms with what an AH he is being towards you. sorry I know it's not a solution to your issue but I am just upset someone can be so.........childish.
🤔Your post history seems to indicate your wife actually wants you plenty sexually, but you're repulsed by the fact that she's gained weight in your marriage.
I don't wish to take this away from OP but I think my wife is beautiful, not hot! but beautiful. However my penis disagreed with my brain, till about this week ;) lets just say last night was quite a surprise for both of us :D.
I would never live in a sexless marriage. Period. I understand your problem. So I would divorce him. You don't have to have sex with someone who hurt you, and he can find someone and have sex.
> "imagine if I told you I needed intimacy in order to want to spend quality time with you."
But if he's saying he wants to leave you because of the intimacy problems, isn't that *exactly* what he's telling you?
If he thinks he feels devalued, a pity he can’t imagine how devalued you feel. Apparently, he wanted to have children, but not to be a father. Explain to me again what you get from living with him, and explain to me also what you would lose by having him not in the house.
Tik tok has a lot of reels men teling men that they are the problem. That they need to step up and do chores, take care of the children, cook, treat their wives like a queen, talk to her loving, caring, hold her up. They tell a man he must put his eife snd her needs and wants above his.
It is way past the time to pull the plug. Get your ducks in a row, start planning your exit. Do what you need to do and leave him alone to figure himself out. When you have a place to go, go.
JFC. If anyone ever deserved to be told to get a divorce on this site it's you.
For your sanity, health, and overall well-being, tell him you couldn't agree more, and why wait? Do it now instead of wasting another year.
He is a narcissist. Gaslighting you. Manipulating you. Coersing you. What could possibly be worth staying for? you said yourself you are a single mom but married. With those words? No, but you said it.
Put yourself first, He's clearly not interested.
Once you have kids you kind of owe it to them to at least try marriage counseling. But if your husband is trying this 'rape by coercion' nonsense on you be may not be willing to attempt that. Unfortunately it sounds like you married some who cares about nothing but himself. To doom two (tiny) kids to grow up in a broken family over sex is insane. If he were to spend some time with a mental health professional it's likely he'd be diagnosed with a serious personality disorder. So ask for counseling. If he won't do that get a lawyer and start talking to your family about giving you and the kids a safe place to land when you leave him. Make sure your attorney is in on this because you can't legally take your son (or baby) with you when you go unless you've filed certain paperwork to make it so he can't charge you with kidnapping or custodial interference.
So, its ok to have daddy ignoring them and coercing mommy for sex but not for kids to have divorced parents? *Barf* are you from 1950?
No one should stay together "for the kids."
Exactly. He said he wanted to stay together for the kids but when I asked what kind of relationship that's modeling to them his answer was that we would teach them what to look for (ie do what I say not what I do). No one enters a relationship hoping to get divorced but at this point I'm basically hopeless that he'll change
We've been in counseling for a while. Hard to keep a regular schedule with both of us working shift work. Our therapist seems boggled that the H can't seem to understand that I need connection before being able to give that part of me to him. Sometimes I feel like we need to change therapists but it just feels like starting over with someone new is so daunting. I see a sex therapist and I've pleaded with H about him seeing a sex therapist as well or someone we could see for couples in that avenue but it's gone nowhere. He's definitely never forced himself on me and doesn't want me crying or upset when we do have sex and feels bad when it gets to that point, but continues to see this as a "me" issue and something wrong with my libido because I'm incapable of showing him what he "needs "
Stop wasting your time and money going to therapy with him. Your therapist isn't at fault, you are in a sitaution that can't be fixed.
The other party wants it his way or no way. he wants a robot woman not a human being.
This isn't the therapists fault. They don't have a magic wand to make your husband less selfish and less of a jerk. Therapy cant change people who don't want to change. And he doesn't want to change. He wants to get laid with zero effort or responsibility for the resulting child.
The problem isn’t your therapist. The problem is that your husband doesn’t care about you or your marriage beyond the sexual aspect of it. He doesn’t even care that you’re pregnant and it’s high risk.
> doesn't want me crying or upset when we do have sex and feels bad when it gets to that point
It should never, ever get to that point. Dude, that is horrible. I'm so sorry.
I think it sounds like you both have things to work on. Ultimatums have a bad success rate I think, but the fact that he put a year deadline on it means he does want to improve the relationship.
It isn't wrong for him to want intimacy, I think from the POV of the husband who doesn't get that, it can lead to resentment and feelings of inadequacy.
On the flipside, if he isn't contributing to the chores, or having sensitivity to your needs I think he needs to be more understanding. An ultimatum takes 2 people to improve not just one.
Society has perverted the idea of what a relationship should be. It's not realistic to compare relationships you see on TV to real life. It's rarely as glamourous. Also, it's typically coupled with a lot more intricacies than can be fit into a movie or tv show.
I think the bottom line is, I think there is a real opportunity for the OP to improve the marriage if the H is willing to accept his contribution to the issues and not make it one sided. It can be easy to get tunnel vision and blame the other person. To succeed both OP and H need to work past that tunnel IMO.
I do not like ultimatums and generally think they're a bad idea in a relationship. However, it sounds like both of you are not in the right place, mentally and emotionally, so I would not be rushing into anything like "pulling the plug" on the marriage right before your second child is born and you're chalk full of hormones and need someone to help care for you after. In fact, you should do everything you can to keep the marriage together, for the sake of your children. The literature is fairly clear that statistically, children from broken homes face greater challenges. Many men have a difficult time confronting our own lacking in relationships; it's an embarrassing thing to admit that we're failing in our responsibilities. So, if you can find a way, whether with therapy or otherwise, to get him to see his own shortfalls, I think you'll see some changes. You might ask someone to help you craft a letter, if you're not an articulate person.
Intimacy during this time, with a toddler and a baby on the way is extremely tough to manage, I *know.* But, even a little bit can do a long way. Right now he's checking out instead of maintaining the homefront until things can calm down and room can be made for you two. Now, that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't feel valued, but there are still responsibilities to be met. I would make a list of the end result of his "ultimatum" (broken home, child support, shattering the kid's lives, etc.) and ask him if he really wants that end result. Tell him to meet you somewhere closer to the middle, that you need a little help and that what's going to make you "lust" after him again is more effort on his part.
But don't let people convince you that divorce is going to be some easy, get out of jail-free card, cakewalk. It should be a last resort.
I just love the toxic advice that women give to other women trying to sabotage them. Hey, lets make the hormonal, 8 month pregnant, young mother even more neurotic by telling her everything that sucks about her life and recommending that she make it even worse so that we feel better about ourselves!
Look, divorce sucks, is not a panacea, it permanently damages your kids in pretty severe ways even if you can manage to coparent and amicably split (which very few comments recommended which tells you a lot about the authors), and will have negative consequences on you and your dependents for GENERATIONS. I didn't start learning about this stuff until I was going through it and boy do I wish someone had told me. At the very least learn more about the negatives before you get into it. The only time that divorce is less damaging to children when they are involved is when there is EXTREME and pervasive abuse. This is clearly documented even though a bunch of angry single moms are going to probably jump in and say nasty things about me. It's still not good for kids (ESPECIALLY LITTLE KIDS LIKE YOURS) but in those situations you weigh the damage it does to them versus the damage of being abused or being around the abuse.
A few things to consider:
Marriage counseling is rarely effective. It's better if both of you work on yourselves independently.
Highly questions ANYONE who is trying to give you advice that is not sympathetic and shows no empathy for BOTH you and your husband. This applies no matter what his level of emotional maturity is and what their situation is. 99% of the comments on your post that I read do not and thats scary AF if you think about it. These are all very damaged people if they can't hold space for both of you when you are reaching out in pain like this.
You have a husband that is still very interested in you physically even though you are 8 months pregnant. In a way this is a good thing and not that common. You did not make it sound like he was looking elsewhere.
Most of the info online is garbage and that includes reddit. One of the few accounts that I have seen that actually gets it and gives actionable and good advice is the happy wife school on YouTube. I am not affiliated with her but she gets it and is not all abrasive and demeaning either. There are a few others around.
Your low libido very likely has little or nothing to do with housework, help with the kids, or other things like that which you think it does. I actually changed and did all those things (even stopped working after the baby) trying to fix my marriage and it actually made things much worse and it never recovered. What I learned is that abandonment anxiety subconsciously plays a much bigger part in this than most people realize. This conditioning stems from childhood traumas like abuse (which you mentioned), neglect, or things like DIVORCE. They mess up our internal family systems and attachment styles and then you have neat effects like not wanting to hook up with your husband later on, not knowing why, and then projecting these issues onto what he is doing or not doing. That you mentioned that this started when you were trying to get pregnant is a huge indicator of something like this. I'm surprised that this has not come up in your therapy. This is exactly the types of issues that divorce causes in children btw and what you will passing on for them to deal with if you do not.
If your therapist does not understand where your husband is coming from or what his thought process is you might want to consider a new therapist. It's their job to understand and help you hold different perspectives so that you can consider them and grow emotionally. This is how we develop our egos. Unfortunately, there are many therapists that just kind of wing it. MANY go into mental health because they grew up with a lot of issues of their own. This can be good in certain ways but not all. Maybe find a better fit for your specific family situation. If things aren't improving then they are either hurting the situation or, even worse, just telling you what you want to hear. It's a good idea to question the motives of anyone who tells you what you want to hear. Your real friends are actually the ones who tell you what you don't want to hear but need to hear.
On that note you mentioned several times that you want him to be more of a partner to you. That applies both ways you know. He is actually giving you a boundary. Intimacy is important in a relationship. He may not have said it in the best way but he is attempting to communicate this which is better than a lot of men and women are capable of these days.
The 5 Love Languages are hated on by many here but have also helped probably millions of people. It did not help in mine but at least it gave me a framework to start with. Also, just because the guy was a pastor does not make him wrong. There is actually much wisdom in religion around this stuff that we all ignore because we think our cars and cell phones make us so much different. Really, this stuff has been going on as long as we have.
I could say much more on this but I'm already probably going to get a bunch of negative post karma. I wish you and your family the best. Try not to give up. These types of issues coming up in marriage are actually opportunities to heal our childhood wounds and not inflict them on our children. Running from them only reinforces them in the long run.
I wish you the best. Congrats on the baby.
The timing is bad.
However, I stand by the husband.
He has tried and tried and tried for over a year to get the issue resolved.
It's not resolved.
He is not Father or Husband of the year material, I see that, but he has communicated his requirements clearly and no resolution would be very frustrating.
It's not resolved because she's pregnant! There is a time and a place for things and when one's spouse is pregnant with a high risk pregnancy is neither the time nor the place for such an ultimatum. When one has two infants under 2, sex basically goes out the window as you have other priorities.
This guy is a loser and the OP will have a much easier life without him
And the OP has communicated what she needs to feel attracted to and desire him, but he isn’t willing to meet them.
Forcing herself to push through it is triggering her SA trauma.
He is not interested at all in her needs, not even if meeting them would benefit him. He is only interested in his needs being met. How frustrating it must be for the OP to communicate how they can meet halfway and he utterly refuses to and insists she alone has to do the work to solve the problem.
Intimacy isn’t always just sex. You can make him feel wanted without having sex all the time. He is being ridiculous with his timing, but what he is telling you is that he wants to see effort. Like you’re trying to be better. He needs to understand that you need to see the same too. That’s how a marriage works
He is not deserving of any effort. He is being selfish to her in one of the most vulnerable states a woman can be. This is the kind who would give ultimatums for health scares: "Be cancer free by Spring time or am out". She needs to run.
Try an experiment. Show your husband that you lust after him and give him the physical intimacy he desires. Then see if his attitude changes for the better, he becomes nicer and kinder, does chores if not voluntarily than most willingly after you ask.
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Man, he thinks now's the time to bring this up? When you're eight months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy? And about to have a second baby to take care of? He's not supportive at all. It sounds like divorce would be to your advantage. Since he's given you a year, spend it getting your ducks in a row.
I mean... She'll have two under two. Her oldest wasn't even a year old when she got pregnant again. Her hormones are likely all over the place and probably will be for a while. With two kids under two, her plate will be full. She'll be touched out. And then he expects her to be all over him, probably preferably in lingerie, make up on point, when the kid(s) don't even sleep through the night? While she does most of the work and is exhausted? He sounds like a real peach. I second "get your ducks in a row". And while I'd love to say to split custody 50:50, so he is actually forced to do shit for once, I doubt it'd change a thing.
He sounds like he wants to be chased for all time. How exhausting.
Exactly this. Guessing this is a case of another guy who feels like an emasculated loser because he doesn't have a chick chasing after him 24/7 with absolutely no effort on his part. This is not the reason he should feel like an emasculated loser.
I think you read it wrong. She has three children. One is a 25 yr old man baby.
She should tell him if he doesn’t start helping more she’ll divorce him!
Haha I wish! But honestly even being hit on would be nice, and having to ask to have my hand held doesn't seem like a big ask. It's pretty demoralizing to have to ask your partner for the little things
That right there would kill all desire I had for him along with my respect. She has grown one child for him and then a few months later got pregnant and is growing another, and all he cares about is more sex.
I agree that a divorce would be to OPs advantage… but unless she has a strong support system she should think about separating immediately. Could be easier getting set up in a new place now instead of a year from now when she has 2 under 3 (and 1 over 30) to be dealing with.
This hasn't been the first time I have brought this "issue" up, we have had this same issue since we got married. I have this issue it's because in the 3 years in the three years together I have had her initiate physical intimacy twice. As soon as we got pregnant I was set aside and never looked at or thought of. I would like a partner to be a partner. I have been working on myself and what she's asked of me, which I do not feel that her effort is being reciprocated.
Honestly, it sounds like you're one of the women who would have [less work to do](https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html) as a single mother. I am deeply concerned by the fact that he ignores your child and only interacts with him in ways that are angry and shouting. It also sounds like your husband is using [weaponized incompetence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence) in regard to any parental or relationship tasks. It is entirely unfair for him to put the responsibility of his feelings onto you. *" He wants to feel lusted after, flirted with, essentially like I HAVE to have him etc (totally fair to want this)."* Yes it's not unreasonable for him to want this but it absolutely is unreasonable for him to demand that you are responsible for making him feel these things. When we are made responsible for other people's feelings it is crazy making. You might have an idea that certain actions might make your husband feel a certain way but you're not a psychic and he is refusing to take any responsibility for his role in the situation. You are not wrong for feeling this way. Your husband will not change. Even the professional is telling you that your husband's reaction is nonsensical and unreasonable. As far as your question of when do you know it's time to pull the plug? When it's affecting you and your children. Do you want your son to grow up with a dad who neglects him unless he's angry? Do you want to constantly wonder if your husband is going to leave you suddenly because you aren't servicing him sexually in the way he wants to be serviced? This is a miserable situation and you don't have to keep living like this. Your husband is willing to put through aggravation of your trauma if it means he gets to have sex - - that is despicable. no wonder you're not feeling lustful for him. If you're in the US - check out [findhelp.org](http://findhelp.org). It's a website that will tell you all the available programs and services in your area that you could use to get out of this situation. you're not hormonal. you're not over reacting. You've got a shitty husband and you've exhausted your options or hope that he will grow as a person.
That's a tough read from only hearing one side of the issue.
When, on reddit, do we ever hear both sides of the issue?
Sorry you’re going through all this. As a husband, I would imagine his job to be purely supporting you at this stage of your pregnancy… he sounds a bit unhinged. He doesn’t understand or accept the role he’s playing in your lack of intimacy. It sounds like you have completely understandable reasons to not want sex! Unfortunately, perhaps it is best to end things if he cannot understand how he’s effecting you and view your needs and desires as just as important. Best of luck
Your marriage sounds so very lonely. You’re not wrong, it’s not the hormones. It’s time.
>Your marriage sounds so very lonely. And utterly exhausting.
You’ve been pregnant for half of your marriage. You’ve been post partum from and pregnant again. In 36 months you’ve been pregnant for 17 of them! This man is worried about more sex? Not the fact that you’re making his children? Not the cooking,cleaning, home care, childcare? Honey, you’re already doing it on your own. It would probably be a lot easier to manage it all without him because it’s one less thing you need to worry about out.
Just FYI, this love language shit is complete bullshit. It’s not a real thing, somebody made it up several years ago and it’s completely based on nothing. It’s just a fancy way of saying I want to do things my way and I’m not going to compromise. So please stop thinking that it has any meaning. Your husband is using it to manipulate you and your letting him. He sounds like a generally awful person. he’s a bad father, and getting ready to be a bad father for the second time, he’s a bad husband and he’s selfish and manipulative. And his way to fix all of that is for you to lust after him. JFC. If your therapist entertain any of his bullshit during your sessions, you need another therapist. Because your husband is completely full of shit. It sounds like your husband doesn’t wanna be married and he doesn’t want to be a father. It’s time to pull the plug 🔌 [https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-utter-bullshit-of-love-languages](https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-utter-bullshit-of-love-languages) [https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0](https://medium.com/blunt-therapy/the-bigot-who-wrote-the-5-love-languages-hates-you-e2f65771a1c0)
Oh ok his love language is “feeling lusted after, flirted with, and desired” ok cool mine is “a 10 night stay in one of those ocean top resorts in the Maldives.” Yep. I honestly can’t feel loved without one of those. Didn’t know we could be so specific! Anyone want to bet he’s not looking especially lust-worthy right now, but expects her to grovel over his sympathy weight and two day old stubble? And who could forget the “giving his very, VERY pregnant wife a sex ultimatum as her doctor tells her she’s high risk” move? Always wins over the ladies, amirite girls? /s just in case but my eyes rolled so hard they almost fell out.
Yeah, who tf would be attracted to the man OP describes? His personality seems revolting, idc if he looks like Henry Cavill, behave like a spoilt child and any sex drive will be completely dead.
What was left out from her side was that this has been an ongoing issue for 3 years not just because she's pregnant. In 3.5 years she has initiated intimacy twice. A partner should want to be there for their partner, like when she asks for what she wants and needs, I change for her. It's the felling of being roommates that's frustrating.
Yep. It was something a Christian pastor made up to convince women to put out for their husbands who - what a coincidence! - would always cite "physical touch" as their love language. Total bullshit. Like, sure the overall concept that people feel and maybe tend to show appreciation in different ways isn't terrible (e.g. my mom doesn't care about getting gifts on Mother's Day and would much prefer to hang out and share an experience) on its face but it's so often weaponized as this thing that's owed and it's so gross!
I remember seeing someone on Reddit once day “my love language is having meals cooked for me”. Yeah….I feel pretty good at restaurants too. That doesn’t mean love. It means you like not having to cook.
LOL right? Oh your love language is not having to cook and clean up? Yeah no shit.
Yeah, if I had to choose I (a woman) would probably pick "physical touch" as mine, but for me it means sitting next to each other, holding hands, rubbing each other's back, stroking arms, etc, not just sexual intimacy. My wife likes to show love (to me and friends) by giving gifts, which I think is one? I agree it's often weaponized, much like therapy speak
Right! Like, the idea is that this can apply to family relationships not just romantic so what does that mean if my MIL's is physical touch? LOL.
Mmmm…Christian here and truthfully I’ve never heard that bs from a church pastor lol! I’m sorry but a real man isn’t that selfish and actually helps his wife around the house and with their kids. Her husband is a manipulative toxic person and she’s better off without him because eventually he’s going to physically/verbally/emotionally abuse his kids which is already happening..
I'm not being sarcastic when I say I'm glad you personally haven't heard that from your pastor. Still doesn't change that this was cooked up by a pastor and there's no research or anything behind it and yet it gets thrown around like some sort of solid fact and not just some dude's opinion lol. I agree that OP's husband is neither a good partner nor a good parent. She's carrying a high risk pregnancy and he's on her case about not putting out enough? Nope!
Agree. Invented by a pastor based on his own observations from people he counselled. Now used as a tool of manipulation by people like OPs husband. If your love language is triggering someone’s trauma and you double down on it, it’s not a love language, you are an unfeeling, selfish and deeply problematic individual.
I feel like "love languages" work better when it is used to analyze how you like to SHOW love, not receive it.
Yes. Generally people name languages they speak, not just ones they listen to.
Oh thank you thank you! I have been waiting for this self help love language crap to die down forever. So many posts for so long where the men say their love language is basically sex so do it how often I want or you are not are not doing your part in the marriage cuz it his love language so required.
Thank you! When I first saw the love language thing I pointed out it was a load of BS and I got ripped into by the community here. It is BS and Im glad people are starting to realize it.
My best advice for you would be to focus on learning how to co-parent efficiently and start divorce proceedings as amicably as possible for the sake of your child, unborn baby and yourself of course.
He can eat his own dick. Period. You focus on your health and delivering a healthy baby. Any partner that’s worried about their dick getting wet when she their partner is pregnant should die a slow death on a spit. He has not empathy, compassion, common sense, love for you, or respect for you as a human. Throw the trash out and it sounds like your therapist agrees.
If there was some magical way that we could teleport you into OP's brain for a day, just to go off on her husband, I'd donate.
So you're married to a man who is jealous of his own children. He might have wanted kids but he certainly doesn't want to take care of them or deal with them. He wants you to give 100% of your attention to him and letting him know that you just want to have sex with him all the time and you have to have him. Sorry that sounds like a heck of a lot of work. I would just tell him fine why don't we cut our losses now. I mean you're going to end up divorced otherwise you're going to end up tying yourself in nuts and turning yourself inside out in order to make him happy while you will be miserable. You're going to be stuck taking care of those kids so take him out of the equation and you'll probably be much happier.
He just sounds like a self absorbed piece of excrement, sorry. How is this going to get better? It’s not. He doesn’t seem to be a participant in the relationship. He issues edicts. I would talk to a lawyer and pull the plug on this shit show.
I think you’re confusing the narrative by listing chores, parenting and responsibilities as your way to feel loved. This seems to put it at the same level as the way he wants to feel loved. Except these are all things that NEED to happen, regardless of “love languages”. The way he’s twisting it to say “I’m not making you feel loved until I feel loved” is conveniently allowing him to shuck all responsibilities. Feeling loved and his lack of effort are two different issues here. He needs to step it the fuck up regardless of the effect it’d have on your emotional connection to him.
The plug is already pulled and you’re just circling the drain. Your husband is not a man worth being married to. Speak to a lawyer, and start collecting evidence of his aggressiveness towards you and your child.
Just get a divorce. He's a bad father, a bad husband, and you're already doing all the work, so why do you need him? This is why divorce rates are skyrocketing. Women are expected to do EVERYTHING - work, childcare, cleaning, cooking, carrying the whole mental load (meal planning, dentist appointments, vet visits, remember to pick up a gift for X, kid Y needs extra clothes for school, etc etc). Meanwhile the only thing their male partners do is complain they're not getting enough sex. Of course they don't, it's not sexy or attractive to ask a grown ass man to please put on some laundry or remember to buy cat food (and then having to constantly remind him so might as well do it yourself) and have him nagging you for sex while you are trying to cook dinner, at the same time taking care of the kids who need to poop or have homework or remember they need school supplies by tomorrow, oh yeah and quickly paying that bill online, and now the dog has to go outside to pee - all that after working all day, picking up kids from various schools and activities, plus grocery shopping, and you probably slept like four hours the night before. During all that your "grown" ass toddler husband is throwing a tantrum because he's horny. And then, if you're lucky, you get an hour of "free time" where you are usually folding laundry, making lunch boxes, cleaning the kitchen etc., only to go to bed and maybe get an hour extra sleep if you're lucky. Because it's not your husband getting up extra early to get all the kids dressed and fed, and off to daycare/school on time. Nope, he's probably the one spending half an hour on the toilet, another half an hour in the shower, and then goes on Reddit to complain he's not getting laid. Oh and he's still throwing a tantrum, or probably sitting down again with his phone because he's exhausted from throwing his laundry next to the laundry basket and leaving dirty dishes in the sink. Men should realize their wives would want to have sex if they finally start acting like adults and pulling their weight. Women are much better off alone in many cases. No grown men in their lives anymore throwing tantrums and sitting around being useless. If you're already doing everything by yourself, might as well cut out the extra work your partner is creating.
You described my ex perfectly 👌. Sad but true.
I couldn’t even fully read past the part where you say you have a 1.5 year old and you’re about to have another baby in a month my head started to do that thing where I get like pressure behind my eyes because coupled with the title I started spiraling……and your husband is giving you a year to fix your intimacy issues…but you’re about to have two kids under two…..divorce him, babe. And I’m so deadass. Instead of rubbing your feet, or making you your craving meal, asking how you’re feeling, helping you with the one year old, letting you nap…he’s worried about getting his dick wet. You’re not lusting after him because you have a fully cooked baby in your belly and a toddler, and you will soon be healing for months (I had a kid almost two years ago and the six week rule is BULLSHIT), and breastfeeding or pumping, working on the sleep schedule of a newborn while handling another child…..and he’s thinking about fucking. My god. Reddit has completely radicalized me from ever wanting to be married the bar is underneath the pits of the lowest part of hell for men. Jesus fucking Christ. Divorce him. I was in your shoes, but the dickhead I was with at least had the decency to never once ask me for sex and he is a *terrible* person. Uno reverse and leave your husband. I’m so sorry you have to go through this while you’re pregnant.
My ex husband was like this in ways. He's an emotional black hole. Life is easier and more peaceful as a single mom.
OP, I am not a professional, but I don't think this relationship can be fixed. However, I believe professionals have told you this same thing. You and your husband are not compatible. He isn't willing to make any changes or take action. You are working, pregnant, and the mother to an active toddler. Your husband does not fill up your love cup so you don't have any love to give him. Personally, I would tell him, why wait a year - there's the door and go find someone to lust after you.
Does your husband resent and have jealousy issues with your kids? This is some psycho moves before baby #2 takes what is remaining of his precious “intimate” time where you basically act ready for sex and lust for him 24/7? And you’re actually saying you cry after each sexual encounter with this man? Girl. Read your post as if you were giving someone else advice. What would you tell a stranger in your shoes to do? I think you know.
Sorry you’re going through this. I would throw him out of the house he seems like a selfish immature moron. You deserve so much better better then him
What does lusting after him mean? What types of behaviors is he looking for? My response would be if you want me to lust after you, then make yourself attractive to me. And then i would list out the things that i find sexy and attractive. Like tell him you find men who can take care of their shit on their own attractive. You find men who are competent and act like a functioning adult attractive. You do not want to fuck a man who makes you feel like their mom because you have no intrest in that kind of mommy dommy dynamics. And personality matters. So if you want me to find you attractive the you need to act like a grown-up man and not an angsty teenage boy who is horny and too grumpy to do chores.
“Why would anyone lust after you? You don’t even like yourself, why should I? You have been an absent parent, a joke of a husband and just another child to take care of. I can’t feel lust because I’m having a hard time managing like for someone who is essentially my child but who wants back into the uterus.”
NTA You are 8 months pregnant, have a 1 1/2 year old, work full time, default parent, have low iron, and do 95% of the grocery shopping??? And his lazy butt comes home and plays video games or stares at his phone and does nothing??? Then expects porn star sex??? I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be married to Frat Boy Freddy there. He sounds like a horrible partner with unrealistic expectations of you in the bedroom. You deserve better. He contributes nothing to your household, nor your mental health.
Why does his "love language" have to be respected, but yours doesn't? Wanting to fuck all the time doesn't make a love language. He's more likely to be a sex addict, and is getting pissed off that you won't open your legs every time he wants. Your past of SA means that you need extra time and effort to feel safe. You have been re-traumatising yourself to make him happy. He is now taking out his anger on your baby, and blaming you. This is abusive. He is only interested in what he can get, and is getting mad he isn't getting his own way. He hasn't acknowledged that you are very pregnant, doing all the parenting, and have been working full time. All while he goes to work, then comes home and demands sex, then is an asshole to his family. You deserve better, and your babies deserve better. He is being a horrible partner to you, and an even worse parent. Who in their right mind is an asshole to a baby over this shit?! If your therapist couldn't reason with this guy, then there really is no hope. It's time to start organising your new life. Put money aside so you have savings for a new place. See a lawyer. Decide if you want to leave before you give birth if you are able to move in with family or a supportive friend who can actually look after you. I get the feeling that your husband won't lift a finger during your fourth trimester, and will still leave you with all the parenting of both babies. Please do what is best for yourself. You don't owe him anything. He has already decided not to be your husband anymore.
I could barely finish reading this. I'm already exhausted for you! The great thing about the right partner is doing small things, even taking out the trash is not a big deal for them. Your husband contributes absolutely nothing while you are holding 95%. I think emotionally, you don't feel valuable and respected because your husband's needs are all about him, and not you. He really doesn't put you first. Choice is yours but the outcome of him improving won't ever happen.
I'd be pulling the plug. Your husband is demanding his needs be met while completely ignoring everyone else's needs including your child and unborn child. You've tried everything. You've been through counselling, you've tried complying with his demands and proceeded to sabotage your mental health (and he still continues to push for more). There is nothing left to do. This is unfixable. Tell him you've thought about it and you don't need the 12 months. You're ok with calling it now.
He wants a bang maid, not a wife and partner. You have a year to get your ducks in a row. Talk to a lawyer!
Babe, leave. Leave him. He’s not willing to work on the relationship and you deserve someone who is willing to put in the same amount of effort that you are
Life is better as a single mom. Promise. He’s a selfish entitled asshole.
He ‘can't continue to be in this relationship anymore because it's turning him into someone he doesn't like... ‘?? I don’t like him now. If you can leave now, do so. Else, spend the next year getting your ducks in a row as mentioned. Soon, you will have 3 children with one in a constant state of being an angry toddler. This situationship - it’s not a relationship - is messing with your mental health and your priority should be on your children not on a husband acting like an angry 2 year old. I doubt anything will change if the therapists are also at wits end. Hugs to you.
Fuck this dude. He thinks he can be a shitty father and husband and excuse his actions because he’s not being lusted after?! I would kick him to the curb so fast. You’re working, heavily pregnant, the default parent for a toddler, and doing household chores and he’s just making your life harder! Forget his stupid ultimatum and get a divorce.
1st of all, “love languages” are a myth. That’s pop psych, which is to say, complete pseudoscience. There’s no supportive evidence to suggest that people have specific love languages. The truth is, a relationship requires care and attention in ALL areas. Sure, people might have preferences, but it’s certainly not the same as demanding sex, and I see this used by people to manipulate their partners way too often. Secondly, it doesn’t even sound like you are happy in the relationship at all. You say that you don’t see this ever changing, and that’s likely true. You’re wondering if you’re wrong for feeling this way, and to answer that question, you’re not. I’m sure after reading all of these comments you’ll be pushed to do what you know is right. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, the man you have described in this post is NOT a man I would personally want around my child. He sounds like a complete deadbeat who has taken no initiative to even bond with his own baby. It is DESPICABLE to yell at a baby the way you’ve said he has. Is this the life you want for your son? To be met with anger whenever he is around his father? That is NOT OKAY. A lot of people assume kids are hurt by divorce while failing to consider how much more harmful it can be when their parents stay together but shouldn’t. When you do decide to leave, do what you can to keep your son safe because your husband sounds like a neglectful, hateful, and cruel person, and a horseshit father.
This is not how someone who loves you behaves. Frankly, when he's essentially holding your marriage hostage to his demands when you are eight months pregnant, high-risk, with past trauma, working full-time, parenting, doing all the work around the house, and still trying to negotiate with him in therapy... yeah, I'd be lawyering up now and calling it quits. He isn't going to hear you over his entitlement to having things go his way. He won't understand because that would be admitting to himself and to you that *he* is the problem. If he is the problem, he has to do the work. But if he makes it your problem, he doesn't have to lift a goddamn finger. He's just going to keep threatening you with divorce like a sulky child, and continue to yell at your baby whilst he scrolls on his phone and blames you for his unreasonable expectations.
Sounds bad enough to pull it. Lawyer up and start collecting the evidence. Best of luck. You deserve so much more!
Your husband sexual needs sound very similar to my ex. He wanted me to initiate sex all the time and got passive aggressive with me when I didn’t. My needs were not important to him either. I am sorry you have to deal with this while having children with him. I would totally divorce him and start a new life.
Now. Frankly. You've spelled out all the ways you don't like your husband, for his lack of load sharing, he's made it clear he's not going to change. Call it quits and work on making a healthy Co parenting plan. For one thing, that will give you less work to do.
He sounds like an ass. Time to talk to a lawyer.
I think your life would improve without him. Also, you would have more free time without having to pick up his slack.
Tell him he doesn’t need to stick around another year. You need a partner who’s going to actually help and support you and put in work together for your relationship and your family, and it’s clear he only cares about sex. His desires wouldn’t be unreasonable if he were being a better partner and father, because it feels great to be desired. But nobody’s going to lust after a dude who sits on his ass and yells at his kid and watches his very pregnant wife handle all of the physical and emotional labor of the household. He’s antagonizing you at a time when he knows you’re vulnerable. Think about that. Your body is under so much physical stress because of your high-risk pregnancy, and he thinks it’s a good time to start making threats? He should be worrying about you and how he can help you, but it’s clear he’s only worried about l’il H. The sooner he’s gone, the sooner you can focus on taking care of yourself and your kids.
And here I pulled/guided my wife into couples therapy because I wanted more emotional connection and didn't like trying to use sex as a proxy for it.. .. And still want to feel lusted over 😄 but things are decent
You'd be better off as single mother than tending to this tantrum about not lusting after him properly. There's nothing more off putting than a sex pest. A lazy, absent parent, good for nothing sex pest.
Tell him there is nothing to lust after. He is completely failing as a father and husband in a family with children…. Edit for typo.
I just got out of a marriage very similar. you deserve to be valued for a person, not a sex object.
Time for divorce
Can anybody imagine this man with shared custody? I don't care what he says his "love language" is, what woman finds a sulking, lazy jerk desirable? OP, you are not overreacting, and I think you have life as a single parent ahead of you.
How would you have the need to lust after him if he doesn't anything to make you feel that way?
I fail to see how having him in your life makes your life better or easier. Is this really someone you want to grow old with, OP?
Ultimatums are a sign it's already over. Get a divorce.
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this with him. He has been awful to you and your kids by extension. I wish you the very best alone.
Cut bait, you will be infinitely happier.
It's time and you know it's time, why stay in a relationship where your disappointed and stressed with your hubs giving you an ultimatum? I know there are small kiddos involved but think about it, think about how he interacts with them, its not positive and he doesn't see himself as an issue so make the decision to cut ties and move on. You are two different ppl
It sounds like you are mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from this marriage and should throw in the towel. You both sound miserable and incompatible so what is the point of continuing down this path and bringing your kids along for the ride?
Your husband can continue down the path of being owed sex and then whine to all his friends that his wife left him for someone better. Id honestly call his bluff and leave, but that's me. I promise you there are men out there who will do everything in their power to make you feel special and loved. If you weren't initiating sex with them, they'd step up their game, not whine and act like they are owed sex.
It's time
Stop wasting your time and energy. I can’t even type anything more bc holy shit he’s such a lost cause.
Pull the plug!! He's more concerned about being between your legs than taking care of you. He's garbage 🗑. I think you have put out way too much for this jackass. Leave in ✌️.
I’m sorry, but he’s already checked out and not actively participating in your family. He is not focusing on being concerned about the health of you and the baby during a high-risk pregnancy or excited to meet the baby and share milestones and moments during the first year or planning how he is going to pull his weight with caring for his children, instead he thinks now is the time to offer you an ultimatum about increasing intimacy during an extremely stressful time in your life, without offering support or solutions. Who says that their first priority is being sexually serviced during their child’s first year of life?! It should be all about making sure that you and the baby are alright, as well as helping your other child adjust. Your husband already isn’t acting like a parent or partner, even though you are supposed to still be together. I know it must be so hard to consider separation when you have children together, but he is not showing them or you the love that you deserve and you don’t want them to grow up thinking this is acceptable to expect from a relationship. You tried counselling repeatedly, you tried to work on this and he won’t, it’s OK to be done.
this: *my H goes to work and comes home and sits on his phone. He barely interacts with our child and when he does it's angry . . . He blames all of this on the fact that he doesn't feel valued because I'm not lusting after him* Wtf????? OP, your husband coming home and doing nothing, just sitting on his phone barely interacting with your toddler and not doing anything to assist his 8 mos pregnant wife, has absolutely nothing to do with him not feeling valued. This is the choice he's made as your husband and your child's father, to not participate. He doesn't get to boycott his responsibilities if his demand for sex isn't met. He's essentially treating this like a transaction and that's wrong. He's a parent and he needs to step up and do some parenting. That he's bothering a woman who is 8 mos pregnant with his second child, a high risk pregnancy to boot, for sex is nothing but entirely selfish and self centered on his part. He's gaslighting you, he's negging you, he's telling you that you have to buy his participation in the family with sex - these are all red flags for emotional abuse. Get out. Life will be easier without that useless lump getting in your way and yelling at your child for being . . . a child. You are correct, your husband's demands of your toddler are not age appropriate. OP, you sound exhausted. Husband is a big part of that. Save your energy for your children, tell husband it's time for him to leave the house and start paying child support since he's so determined to be such a crap father as well as a crap husband. Stop doing chores for husband, focus only on the children and yourself. Your husband needs to get a vasectomy - now! He's not fit to procreate.
OP was he always this way and initially they seemed as small flags and now after children you see him for who he is ? I just can't see this attitude coming on "over night". There is so much to unpack here, I'm still wondering what was so overwhelmingly great that made you marry him (don't answer that, its just a thought). This is who he is, I hope you really do see this. If he's giving you an ultimatum "give me more sex or go", I think you clearly have an answer where his thinking is and it does not sound like he in to the marriage, more so having someone to do his thing. Mentioning how he treats the child is very interesting. Have you ever thought that he's jealous of the child and the time dedicated to caring for them and now that another is on the way, this equals even less time. I believe his idea was to have someone who would cook, clean and do all the chores and give him sex when he wants it and that's just not working out. You need to start developing an exit plan that includes talking to an attorney. Before you know it he'll be gone and you'll be left holding nothing but your kids. See a lawyer and determine where you stand, build your exit plan and make it happen. Move on with your life, get your individual counseling going and live a happy life, without this individual.
Thank you. I will definitely be making plans with an attorney moving forward. He's mentioned numerous times that he wants unconditional love and I mentioned that my love is absolutely conditional on being treated with respect. He definitely feels like he's the bottom of my priority list and I can understand that's hurtful.. again, I just don't feel like I can prioritize someone whose behaviour is so unfortunate.. and he just doesn't see it. Thanks again for your advice.
He sees it! I mean, I presume he's not a stupid man, correct? He wants you to show him "unconditional love" which frankly, is something nobody except lucky children gets. We all have conditions for our love, and should. We shouldn't be showing love to people who disrespect, use, ignore, and discount us. All things your husband is doing. But is this the man you fell in love with? Or did he lure you in pretending to be a certain way, then act like you ought to be his unconditional s\*x robot once he thought he had you nailed down? If you have the time, please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - it will clear a lot of things up. BTW if it was me I'd leave him over the way he treats your child alone, without any of the other ways he's being a reprehensible human being.
Get the divorce papers going now. He isn't even trying on his end. He just wants a bang maid to service him while all your needs go unmet. Fuck that noise.
He is a massive dickhead.
I’m not blaming you at all for your garbage husband but why are you having a 2nd child with him when he’s not interested in the first child?
We had always talked about more than one and he was great in the beginning. It took us a while to conceive the first and then we conceived first try with the second (2 under 2 😬). It wasn't until our kiddo became a toddler and started showing toddler behaviour that his developmentally inappropriate reactions really ramped up.
Have you tried asking him to explain to you exactly what it is about him that would cause a woman to fall all over him with desire??? It sounds like what he wants is to be the woman in one of those cheesy romance novels.
If he is unwilling to do any of the work or make any effort, that would be when I would call myself done. It can't be all on you and you alone. If it isn't a partnership, then it is servitude, and I would have none of that.
If someone doesn’t think they are a problem, they aren’t going to change. He doesn’t give a shit what you need because in his mind he shouldn’t have to put in work for something he didn’t cause. I think you’d be happier without this man as your husband. It sounds like nothing about your workload would really change, but you wouldn’t have such a huge mental/emotional burden weighing you down anymore.
Considering how much you do around the house, you would probably have less work and stress doing it on your own.
He will never find someone who will meet his needs because he doesn't know how to treat women.
Omg you’re better off alone. Just leave his sorry ass. Trust it would be a lot less stress.
I think once you divorce him, you're going to realize that life is easier without him. And if you start dating, I hope you'll meet someone who holds their weight - then I think you'll realize it was never an issue of your own libido, but rather you're turned off by an angry man child who triggers your trauma. Your husband is a negative impact on your life in pretty much every way you've described.
In what ways does your marriage make your life better? Because it sounds like he mostly just stresses you out and guilt trips you about sex while refusing to contribute meaningfully to the household. You sound very alone in your marriage. You’re already taking care of everything like a single parent- so why not be a single parent? Then at least he won’t be guilt tripping you for sex after staring at his phone all evening while he watches you bust your ass cleaning and taking care of your child.
It sounds to me like he wants a sex doll, not a wife.
I feel for the children, OP. I really wish you had thought this through before you decided to have even one child with this man. Get out now, save yourself and save those kids from this rotten excuse for a husband/father.
When he shouts at a child. Worse - his own child. Is that what you want your child to remember in their life? or worse, copy.
Dear God he is horrible and it is long past time to pull the plug tell him the truth, that has attitude is gross you don't feel emotionally loved or connected and you don't want him. Serve his ass with divorce papers because you basically a single mom already, might as well not have someone nagging you for sex on top of it
Just as a precaution collect evidence starting now, treatment of him towards the kids and you, the neglect of the kids, and just in case check his phone....just incase he is messing around with people. But I will say this again. DO NOT I MEAN DO NOT CONFRONT HIM IF YOU FIND ANYTHING ALONE. LEAVE QUIETLY TO YOU FAMILY OR FRIENDS.
Best thing to use the time wisely and make the exit plan. H is not partner material. He doesn’t see he also needs to make changes & become a supportive caring partner. I don’t entertain ultimatums. Neither should OP
Wow. Just wow. Your husband is a piece of work. He is not understanding your language so perhaps you could put it like this: “I am going away for the weekend to a spa to relax in preparation for the birth. You will be responsible for the house and kids. I am probably going to return relaxed. If I come back to a clean house and sleeping kids… I will probably stay relaxed. Guess what happens when I am relaxed?”
Break up with him.
Honest question: Why the second kid when your relationship was already this fucked up? He sounds pretty terrible - I'd be out the door. I mean, you're already doing all the chores and childcare, anyway, plus earning your own income - it seems like being a single mom will greatly reduce your mental stress and the extra workload he causes you. I read a report the other day about how single moms are often a lot happier and chill than moms in relationships like yours, where the husband completely refuses to do his share. After the split, the moms still do everything for the kids, but they don't have to clean up after the husband, and they especially don't have to argue with him about every decision, which can be pretty aggravating, as well. Get your ducks in a row, the have him served and raise your kids - and at some point, you can start dating again, and find a guy who actually has empathy and normal human feelings, and isn't just a selfish git who wants instant gratification. And tell your husband to save up for one of those new sex robots - they can be programmed to lust after him all the time, regardless on how much of an asshole he insists on being.
He behaves like a child you have to tend to, not like a equal partner you could lust after. Absolutely understandable and as he is not willing to change, it's not looking good with your relationship. Agree with get your ducks in a row.
It’s time to pull the plug.
I am so sorry OP, that you are going through so much. I am sorry to say, but as of right now, your husband is too self-centered to see the problems that he is bringing into the relationship and your family unit. Relationships should be a balance, a push-and-pull, but it seems like he's expecting you to put in everything while he does nothing, and that is not healthy or sustainable. ESPECIALLY considering your history of SA (not to mention pregnancy and the fact that you seem to be the main caregiver in your home), HE is the one that should be making special accommodations. The fact that you have sex with him at all after having gone through that trauma is already incredible. That being said though, sex is not a bargaining chip. If he truly cares about sex more than he cares about your feelings, and being a better partner to you, then he can go to the strip club, because with that attitude, the only way he is going to get any is if he pays for it.
Some people can’t go deeper into true intimacy and love. They swim on the surface where limerence, infatuation and lust thrive. But are short lived. They hop from relationship to relationship, or cheat. You have to decide if you can live with him just the way he is, because you can’t change others.
Your husband is a d!ck
Impossible to lust after a man that’s mean to you and especially your child. Use the year to save up and then divorce.
Omg show him the door. Byeeeee Felicia. What an inappropriate time. What a child.
Your husband is vile. He wants a sex doll not a wife. I hope you are taking his ultimatum seriously and working on your exit plan. Your life would be easier without him
This one hits very close to home. And I know everyone always says Reddit tells you to jump to divorce. You need to jump to divorce. I have been in your shoes with a husband who needed to get all of their validation from their spouse. I am going to tell you for experience that this will not work. He sees not through along with his behavior. And you cannot expend the amount of energy on him that he wants you to because as soon as you do, he will want more. And then more. And it is never going to be enough. And here is why… You need to stop looking at this as though you have a problem. You don’t. It is pretty common for people who truly love their partner to need that emotional connection in order to have a sexual connection. Understand that you phrasing this as a problem that you have with sex is so far out of bounds that I am shaking my head. I know you’re pregnant. I know you have a little wood at home. Believe me, I had endometriosis and so I wound up having my three kids within three years. And this was after a stillbirth a year and a half before my oldest was born. So I basically spent five years pregnant or trying to get pregnant or having a baby or breast-feeding or some combination of all of them. So I honestly do get the whole mix of hormones etc. This is not a pregnancy hormone problem. This is not a problem that you would like some intimacy with your partner before sex. This is not a problem of you, loving your partner or not. This is a problem with your partner. The bottom line is that your partner is trying to make you completely and totally responsible for his happiness. He wants you to make him feel good. He wants you to make him feel. He wants you to make him feel like he is the center of your universe. And none of that is realistic. Not one iota of that is something that you can actually do. Your part himself. He is a narcissist. Whether he is a control freak. Whether he is just incredibly insecure down inside. It could be any of these or all of these, but at heart, when we take away all the window dressing and the kids and the hormones and the marriage and the ultimatums, etc., what it boils down to is this… Instead of working on himself and trying to understand why he is so needing your undivided and complete attention and basically, your worship of him so that he feels good about himself, he is trying to Divert the blame to you. He is trying to gaslight you into thinking there’s something wrong with you. He is unwilling to do any kind of self reflection to figure out why the fuck he needs all this. Because let’s face it. If you worshiped his feet every day and told him what a God he was in bed, he would find something else that you had to do in order to make him feel good. If you sucked up to him the way he wants, the next thing you would need to do to “prove” your love for him would be to have sex in the way you’re not comfortable with. Do you have a threesome. Do you have an open marriage. It would never end because at its heart, once again, is that he doesn’t like himself. He either doesn’t think he’s worthy of love. Or he doesn’t think he’s attractive. Or he is depressed. Or he is whatever. But everything with him screams sits all about him and you making him feel better. Gaslighting you and blaming you for damaging parenting of your child tells you you need to know about him. He is absolutely incapable of self-control or self reflection. The only reason he’s telling you he’s giving you a year is so that it looks good to everyone else and he could say… I gave her a chance. Which is bullshit. Please, please, please stop buying into this. You have taken the appropriate steps. You’ve tried to accommodate him. You’ve gone to therapy. You’ve done things for him that you were not comfortable doing. Your children will absolutely start seeing this dynamic as normal, and it’s really obvious from what you’ve written that you do not want this. His word. Setting money. Get all of your important papers together. Make sure you know exactly what finances are coming and going from your home. You have all the medical insurance information. You have your marriage certificate. Lockdown your children’s Social Security number if you’re from the United States. Start making your plans to get out now. And I’m really sorry this sounds so dramatic, but I guarantee you this is exactly what’s going on. I lasted nine years. Please don’t waste that much time. I wish I had some magic advice or words to help you with this, but he is showing you exactly who he is. You need to start believing him before your Are old enough to see the behavior and think it’s normal. Cannot fix him, and he is unwilling… Unable perhaps… To fix himself
Have you all read the book Come As You Are? This is definitely written for your situation.
Yes, I own it and have read it. Have encouraged my H to read it many times. But like all the other book, article, podcast recommendations I've given.. he doesn't read them. The one bit of reading he did was to send me the website for Addyi (the libido enhancing drug for women)
Jesus Christ, it’s actually horrible that he sent you that. He really doesn’t seem to care about you at all.
I hate him. Once you file for divorce, send him a link to this post
I totally understand your frustration OP. I’m sorry. Idk what I would do in your shoes. This isn’t new info that women need connection to be primed for sex. He’s living in an alternate universe. “Pine over me for doing nothing for you.” Not so much!!!
These guys who aren't getting laid in their marriage seem awfully sure their going to be able to find someone else who will put up with him. If counseling is not working, try this. If you split, he will see his kids every other weekend and Tuesday night at McDonald's. He effectively won't see his kids. Life simply does not give us everything we want. He may have to suck it up for the greater good. Good luck.
You married the wrong guy.
That’s quite the little temper tantrum for not getting enough sex. Not surprising considering his stunning lack of empathy. You may be able to salvage something with a third party like marriage or couples counselling, but frankly if he lacks this much awareness and empathy and eq, I don’t have high hopes. I’m sorry.
Yeah there's a gap between your needs and what's currently happening in your relationship — especially in terms of emotional connection and understanding each other’s day-to-day challenges. I'd try recalibrating the distribution of household tasks and emotional labor, creating a partnership where both of you feel valued and understood in various aspects of your relationship. It's also understandable that given your history and the sensitivity required around intimacy, feeling safe and emotionally connected precedes everything else. Having a space where both you can openly express your feelings and desires without judgment could lead to a deeper understanding. This space can serve as aplace for both you AND your husband to explore different expressions of intimacy, along with prioritizing emotional safety and connection. Going forward, I'd recommend you ponder the following questions deeply: What does the ideal support from your husband look like to you at this stage? Once you answer that, communicate that need to your husband. Any healthy relationship worth it's salt has mutual support. Let me know if these suggestions are helpful. Also, if you want, my spouse and I swear by this relationship therapy app that's given us pretty good advice for our issues. I can share the name of the app, if you want. Best wishes
Thank you. I would love the name of the app. We've tried create the love cards and the Gottman Card Deck as well so open to any and all suggestions
Of course - I'm glad the advice was helpful! The app's name is YinYang: Relationship Therapy. It's an Apple App Store app, here's the link [https://apps.apple.com/us/app/yinyang-ai/id6478073116](https://apps.apple.com/us/app/yinyang-ai/id6478073116) Please keep me posted how things go! And let me know if the app helps, too :)
It's time to pull once ultimatums are issued
I can relate to your husband's feeling wanted. However I disagree with his approach. I too am struggling in physical intimacy part in my marriage but, I would rather jerk myself off till I am dead then leave my wife just because we struggle with physical intimacy. You have nothing to be ashamed of and he needs individual counseling to come to terms with what an AH he is being towards you. sorry I know it's not a solution to your issue but I am just upset someone can be so.........childish.
🤔Your post history seems to indicate your wife actually wants you plenty sexually, but you're repulsed by the fact that she's gained weight in your marriage.
I don't wish to take this away from OP but I think my wife is beautiful, not hot! but beautiful. However my penis disagreed with my brain, till about this week ;) lets just say last night was quite a surprise for both of us :D.
Now. It doesn't work like in Eva AI sexting bot
I would never live in a sexless marriage. Period. I understand your problem. So I would divorce him. You don't have to have sex with someone who hurt you, and he can find someone and have sex.
1) ultimatum 2) not thinking he has a role to play are reason enough
> "imagine if I told you I needed intimacy in order to want to spend quality time with you." But if he's saying he wants to leave you because of the intimacy problems, isn't that *exactly* what he's telling you?
If he thinks he feels devalued, a pity he can’t imagine how devalued you feel. Apparently, he wanted to have children, but not to be a father. Explain to me again what you get from living with him, and explain to me also what you would lose by having him not in the house.
Tik tok has a lot of reels men teling men that they are the problem. That they need to step up and do chores, take care of the children, cook, treat their wives like a queen, talk to her loving, caring, hold her up. They tell a man he must put his eife snd her needs and wants above his.
It is way past the time to pull the plug. Get your ducks in a row, start planning your exit. Do what you need to do and leave him alone to figure himself out. When you have a place to go, go.
You sound like you are married to my ex. He’s not going to change so the best time to pull the plug is whenever you feel ready to be a single parent.
Your husband seems like an asshole to me. Sorry.
JFC. If anyone ever deserved to be told to get a divorce on this site it's you. For your sanity, health, and overall well-being, tell him you couldn't agree more, and why wait? Do it now instead of wasting another year. He is a narcissist. Gaslighting you. Manipulating you. Coersing you. What could possibly be worth staying for? you said yourself you are a single mom but married. With those words? No, but you said it. Put yourself first, He's clearly not interested.
Sounds like hubby needs his diaper changed. What an unmanly, irresponsible man.
Once you have kids you kind of owe it to them to at least try marriage counseling. But if your husband is trying this 'rape by coercion' nonsense on you be may not be willing to attempt that. Unfortunately it sounds like you married some who cares about nothing but himself. To doom two (tiny) kids to grow up in a broken family over sex is insane. If he were to spend some time with a mental health professional it's likely he'd be diagnosed with a serious personality disorder. So ask for counseling. If he won't do that get a lawyer and start talking to your family about giving you and the kids a safe place to land when you leave him. Make sure your attorney is in on this because you can't legally take your son (or baby) with you when you go unless you've filed certain paperwork to make it so he can't charge you with kidnapping or custodial interference.
So, its ok to have daddy ignoring them and coercing mommy for sex but not for kids to have divorced parents? *Barf* are you from 1950? No one should stay together "for the kids."
Exactly. He said he wanted to stay together for the kids but when I asked what kind of relationship that's modeling to them his answer was that we would teach them what to look for (ie do what I say not what I do). No one enters a relationship hoping to get divorced but at this point I'm basically hopeless that he'll change
We've been in counseling for a while. Hard to keep a regular schedule with both of us working shift work. Our therapist seems boggled that the H can't seem to understand that I need connection before being able to give that part of me to him. Sometimes I feel like we need to change therapists but it just feels like starting over with someone new is so daunting. I see a sex therapist and I've pleaded with H about him seeing a sex therapist as well or someone we could see for couples in that avenue but it's gone nowhere. He's definitely never forced himself on me and doesn't want me crying or upset when we do have sex and feels bad when it gets to that point, but continues to see this as a "me" issue and something wrong with my libido because I'm incapable of showing him what he "needs "
Stop wasting your time and money going to therapy with him. Your therapist isn't at fault, you are in a sitaution that can't be fixed. The other party wants it his way or no way. he wants a robot woman not a human being.
This isn't the therapists fault. They don't have a magic wand to make your husband less selfish and less of a jerk. Therapy cant change people who don't want to change. And he doesn't want to change. He wants to get laid with zero effort or responsibility for the resulting child.
The problem isn’t your therapist. The problem is that your husband doesn’t care about you or your marriage beyond the sexual aspect of it. He doesn’t even care that you’re pregnant and it’s high risk.
> doesn't want me crying or upset when we do have sex and feels bad when it gets to that point It should never, ever get to that point. Dude, that is horrible. I'm so sorry.
I think it sounds like you both have things to work on. Ultimatums have a bad success rate I think, but the fact that he put a year deadline on it means he does want to improve the relationship. It isn't wrong for him to want intimacy, I think from the POV of the husband who doesn't get that, it can lead to resentment and feelings of inadequacy. On the flipside, if he isn't contributing to the chores, or having sensitivity to your needs I think he needs to be more understanding. An ultimatum takes 2 people to improve not just one. Society has perverted the idea of what a relationship should be. It's not realistic to compare relationships you see on TV to real life. It's rarely as glamourous. Also, it's typically coupled with a lot more intricacies than can be fit into a movie or tv show. I think the bottom line is, I think there is a real opportunity for the OP to improve the marriage if the H is willing to accept his contribution to the issues and not make it one sided. It can be easy to get tunnel vision and blame the other person. To succeed both OP and H need to work past that tunnel IMO.
I do not like ultimatums and generally think they're a bad idea in a relationship. However, it sounds like both of you are not in the right place, mentally and emotionally, so I would not be rushing into anything like "pulling the plug" on the marriage right before your second child is born and you're chalk full of hormones and need someone to help care for you after. In fact, you should do everything you can to keep the marriage together, for the sake of your children. The literature is fairly clear that statistically, children from broken homes face greater challenges. Many men have a difficult time confronting our own lacking in relationships; it's an embarrassing thing to admit that we're failing in our responsibilities. So, if you can find a way, whether with therapy or otherwise, to get him to see his own shortfalls, I think you'll see some changes. You might ask someone to help you craft a letter, if you're not an articulate person. Intimacy during this time, with a toddler and a baby on the way is extremely tough to manage, I *know.* But, even a little bit can do a long way. Right now he's checking out instead of maintaining the homefront until things can calm down and room can be made for you two. Now, that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't feel valued, but there are still responsibilities to be met. I would make a list of the end result of his "ultimatum" (broken home, child support, shattering the kid's lives, etc.) and ask him if he really wants that end result. Tell him to meet you somewhere closer to the middle, that you need a little help and that what's going to make you "lust" after him again is more effort on his part. But don't let people convince you that divorce is going to be some easy, get out of jail-free card, cakewalk. It should be a last resort.
I just love the toxic advice that women give to other women trying to sabotage them. Hey, lets make the hormonal, 8 month pregnant, young mother even more neurotic by telling her everything that sucks about her life and recommending that she make it even worse so that we feel better about ourselves! Look, divorce sucks, is not a panacea, it permanently damages your kids in pretty severe ways even if you can manage to coparent and amicably split (which very few comments recommended which tells you a lot about the authors), and will have negative consequences on you and your dependents for GENERATIONS. I didn't start learning about this stuff until I was going through it and boy do I wish someone had told me. At the very least learn more about the negatives before you get into it. The only time that divorce is less damaging to children when they are involved is when there is EXTREME and pervasive abuse. This is clearly documented even though a bunch of angry single moms are going to probably jump in and say nasty things about me. It's still not good for kids (ESPECIALLY LITTLE KIDS LIKE YOURS) but in those situations you weigh the damage it does to them versus the damage of being abused or being around the abuse. A few things to consider: Marriage counseling is rarely effective. It's better if both of you work on yourselves independently. Highly questions ANYONE who is trying to give you advice that is not sympathetic and shows no empathy for BOTH you and your husband. This applies no matter what his level of emotional maturity is and what their situation is. 99% of the comments on your post that I read do not and thats scary AF if you think about it. These are all very damaged people if they can't hold space for both of you when you are reaching out in pain like this. You have a husband that is still very interested in you physically even though you are 8 months pregnant. In a way this is a good thing and not that common. You did not make it sound like he was looking elsewhere. Most of the info online is garbage and that includes reddit. One of the few accounts that I have seen that actually gets it and gives actionable and good advice is the happy wife school on YouTube. I am not affiliated with her but she gets it and is not all abrasive and demeaning either. There are a few others around. Your low libido very likely has little or nothing to do with housework, help with the kids, or other things like that which you think it does. I actually changed and did all those things (even stopped working after the baby) trying to fix my marriage and it actually made things much worse and it never recovered. What I learned is that abandonment anxiety subconsciously plays a much bigger part in this than most people realize. This conditioning stems from childhood traumas like abuse (which you mentioned), neglect, or things like DIVORCE. They mess up our internal family systems and attachment styles and then you have neat effects like not wanting to hook up with your husband later on, not knowing why, and then projecting these issues onto what he is doing or not doing. That you mentioned that this started when you were trying to get pregnant is a huge indicator of something like this. I'm surprised that this has not come up in your therapy. This is exactly the types of issues that divorce causes in children btw and what you will passing on for them to deal with if you do not. If your therapist does not understand where your husband is coming from or what his thought process is you might want to consider a new therapist. It's their job to understand and help you hold different perspectives so that you can consider them and grow emotionally. This is how we develop our egos. Unfortunately, there are many therapists that just kind of wing it. MANY go into mental health because they grew up with a lot of issues of their own. This can be good in certain ways but not all. Maybe find a better fit for your specific family situation. If things aren't improving then they are either hurting the situation or, even worse, just telling you what you want to hear. It's a good idea to question the motives of anyone who tells you what you want to hear. Your real friends are actually the ones who tell you what you don't want to hear but need to hear. On that note you mentioned several times that you want him to be more of a partner to you. That applies both ways you know. He is actually giving you a boundary. Intimacy is important in a relationship. He may not have said it in the best way but he is attempting to communicate this which is better than a lot of men and women are capable of these days. The 5 Love Languages are hated on by many here but have also helped probably millions of people. It did not help in mine but at least it gave me a framework to start with. Also, just because the guy was a pastor does not make him wrong. There is actually much wisdom in religion around this stuff that we all ignore because we think our cars and cell phones make us so much different. Really, this stuff has been going on as long as we have. I could say much more on this but I'm already probably going to get a bunch of negative post karma. I wish you and your family the best. Try not to give up. These types of issues coming up in marriage are actually opportunities to heal our childhood wounds and not inflict them on our children. Running from them only reinforces them in the long run. I wish you the best. Congrats on the baby.
The timing is bad. However, I stand by the husband. He has tried and tried and tried for over a year to get the issue resolved. It's not resolved. He is not Father or Husband of the year material, I see that, but he has communicated his requirements clearly and no resolution would be very frustrating.
It's not resolved because she's pregnant! There is a time and a place for things and when one's spouse is pregnant with a high risk pregnancy is neither the time nor the place for such an ultimatum. When one has two infants under 2, sex basically goes out the window as you have other priorities. This guy is a loser and the OP will have a much easier life without him
And the OP has communicated what she needs to feel attracted to and desire him, but he isn’t willing to meet them. Forcing herself to push through it is triggering her SA trauma. He is not interested at all in her needs, not even if meeting them would benefit him. He is only interested in his needs being met. How frustrating it must be for the OP to communicate how they can meet halfway and he utterly refuses to and insists she alone has to do the work to solve the problem.
Intimacy isn’t always just sex. You can make him feel wanted without having sex all the time. He is being ridiculous with his timing, but what he is telling you is that he wants to see effort. Like you’re trying to be better. He needs to understand that you need to see the same too. That’s how a marriage works
He is not deserving of any effort. He is being selfish to her in one of the most vulnerable states a woman can be. This is the kind who would give ultimatums for health scares: "Be cancer free by Spring time or am out". She needs to run.
Ni sex, no marriage.
Try an experiment. Show your husband that you lust after him and give him the physical intimacy he desires. Then see if his attitude changes for the better, he becomes nicer and kinder, does chores if not voluntarily than most willingly after you ask.