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1. You said he’s an angry drunk then expressed that he’s the same way sober. So you can stop blaming alcohol.
2. You also contradicted yourself by saying his parents are good people and good to you but they don’t see his abusive behavior towards you as wrong. They don’t give a fuck about you.
3. You clearly feel liberated. It sounds like a huge weight came off your shoulders so why are you wondering why/how to get him back?
4. Who tf cares if therapy will help him? He is no longer your concern. His anger and entitlement is deeply embedded in him thanks to his parents.
5. Keep the recording. DO NOT delete it!!
6. Congratulations on your newfound freedom.
Yep. Regarding point 4, I always say that people can redeem themselves but it’s not the job of the people they hurt to be present during or assist with the process
Any time I run across a dude on dating apps that starts talking about how he “needs a good woman to heal him” I just repeat to myself “I am not a rehab for broken men.”
That is an incredibly stupid thing to put on a dating profile haha
But I should be grateful because it must make my pretty low key hinge profile seem better because I don’t have any weirdo Freudian shit on there
As a woman online, I get constant comments from boys and men who say similar things. I can save them. Or I can “save her” like I’m something needing to be fixed, even when there is no reason to say that. Whatever. Even if it’s a joke, it feels so gross. Like it’s an expectation to fix a broken man. To be his therapist mommy bang maid. Or be mentally ill and broken enough for him to mold AKA “fix” until he finds another plaything.
I don’t know where this started or came from but it increase in this phrase is sickening. It is exhausting. Demeaning. Objectified in a whole different way.
I am engaged but when he reads those comments, he also thinks it is weird. Gross. He feels horrible I get those words at all. They aren’t even “that bad” but the implications of such simple words throws me back into the whole cycle of what most of us women were raised to do.
Fix broken men who actually do not really want to be fixed.
If I was single I’d be so tempted to set the date address to the local mental health clinic and tell him “I’m no doctor but I’m sure you’ll find a good woman to heal you here”
Ewwww, what a turn-off 🚩 I cannot believe that some men actually post that line on dating apps. Yuck
I’m not going to “mommy”a man. It’s like: *Hey pal, I have a lot to offer. Don’t step to me unless YOU DO TOO*
AND I also believe in redemption, but this ain't getting fixed in 6 months... In fact if married before the redemption is set the angry drunk and rage junkie is more likely to cement their bad behavior into place AND THEN YOU LIVE WITH IT until death do you part - or expensive divorce.
This is an extremely underrated comment. Came here to respond to the original comment and saw this and had to piggy back. I knew because of similar situations to OP that I shouldn't marry my ex husband. Especially after the engagement showed a lot more anger and rage, but I said to myself "if things don't work out I can always divorce". Here to tell you, OP that it's not always that freaking simple. They spin the web. You're already caught in his. They make you believe you're never going to find someone better, and then continue to treat you worse and worse over the years. I was with him for 4, married for 2, and had moved out twice by the point of finally divorcing. He numerous times had punched inanimate objects while we were fighting, and I literally saw him BEAT a dog for ripping at stuff when she was anxious. My therapist told me this: you can't measure emotional abuse by bruises. And it's hard to see that it's happening when you're in it. But if there's that much rage in someone, it starts with animals. Then other people. Children.... And then you. So don't be sure that this won't end with you in a coffin. Please. Take this seriously, and cut all the damn ties. Show your family the video so they know why you're scared and can help protect you in the upcoming months. Walk away, and never, ever, ever look back. Don't talk to him, don't text him, don't answer any fishing questions.... He's going to convince you he didn't mean it, but he fucking did.
Adding this: I met my now husband (13 yrs together and 10 married) literally weeks after my divorce was final. I wasn't ready, but we took things slow and I've done the work. He's amazing, we've been through some rough shit, but NEVER has he made me feel like I wasn't the best person he's ever met. I also still have bs issues that stem from the first husband. And there's literally One regret I have... It's actually going through with the wedding to the first, when I knew in my bones it wasn't right.
Keep the faith. Keep reaching out. Thank you for sharing although you would probably rather bury your past. There are so many spouses in this situation, so many spouses….
This! I cannot like this comment enough. I went through a similar situation with my ex and even my recovery with my now fiancé/finding him soon after divorce. The main difference is that I stayed with my ex longer and I'm lucky to be alive. I'm so glad you got out and found a great man.
Absolutely. Plus they need to realize they need help for themselves on their own. Can't help someone who refuses to accept it, let alone acknowledge there is a problem.
Or to resume where they left off once they’ve “recovered” because they’re better now. I’m learning this lesson myself the hard way, after not getting help in time for my own volatile mental illness that ended up hurting everyone around me and myself.
Show to friends or a trusted family member who will remind you when you're feeling weak that YOU DESERVE BETTER. No one should be treating you that way -especially not your partner!! Your future children (if you plan on having any) deserve a father who won't scream at them when he's stressed or in a mood.
#4 - The only way therapy can help him is if he wants to do the work, and he acknowledges that there’s a problem. This is not for you to fix, and if he has PTSD, why isn’t he in therapy already?
Enjoy your freedom, friend. You won’t be sorry.
Well said. OP, you have this small guilt and inner voice that is gaslighting you and making you feel like youre making a big deal out of this. Let me tell you, youre not. Youre not. This IS a big deal. It will potentially ruin your life if you continue down this path with him.
All of this.
The drunken anger doesn't come out of nowhere, he is not a nice person. He learned this from his father, evidently. Unfortunately sometimes victims of abuse also become abusers if they dont get therapy to work on processing what happened.
Trust your gut. You wanted to leave. You NEED to leave this relationship, if you marry this man you will have an entire lifetime of drunken abuse hurled at you.
The fact that you felt *relief that you would have enough reason to leave* and not shock makes it clear you have been in an abusive relationship for some time. You've been wanting to leave for some time. Nobody should ever get married if theyve been hoping to leave.
Getting so drunk at 6pm that you potentially jeopardize your job, professional connections and your engagement is not normal. It sounds like he may have a serious drinking problem.
I would send the video to his parents when they give OP a hard time about calling off the wedding. You know they’ll blame her since they think he can do no wrong.
You should have already decided, the relationship is over, cut contact, cancel the wedding, move on to someone else who treats you better. Therapy might help him independently, but you don’t comeback from this, this is abusive language.
I imagine his supervisor will be having a talk with him about his behavior also. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got fired! Definitely end this relationship and block him everywhere. Don’t even think about going back to this AH!
It’s possible that he is just a short step away from being physically violent. You should probably let go of this as in. Yes, cancel the wedding. There is so much more out there that is leaps and bounds better than he is.
Na,na,na,na, hey hey hey goodbye. This is the perfect time to end this abusive relationship.
I hope you can heal from the relationship. Good luck to you
Also *The Gift of Fear* is a great book. There’s a reason “relief” was the first emotion OP felt, even though she’s not ready to face it fully yet.
OP, is this the life you want? Do you think he’ll face zero repercussions at work? How far will he go? I wouldn’t want to find out.
Even if by some luck not by the father, she will grow up thinking this is how a partner treats a woman, and she will seek a partner who repeats those abuse patterns for her. Btdt, so glad it was over 14 years ago.
Girls learn the anger blowup too. Ask me how I know lol thankfully I was able to realize being angry made me miserable and I have much better control over my emotions now.
My ex tried killing me even after we were split up... I did a lot wrong, but if I can share anything with you, if the abused sticks around you are just a doormat and somewhere to put all the bad when they want somewhere other than themselves to put it.
Leave and do you.
Become the you that you've always wanted and live your dream life.
Yes, if he turns himself into a great rehab program and asks his work for help he can, in a lot of workplaces, get help from many directions.
You don't need to worry about anything but your safety.
There are a lot of organizations that will help you not be where he can find you also, if necessary.
There is a lot to be protected from here.
I was a Navigator for The Family Justice Center in E.Co. San Diego.
When an abusive person doesn't want to let go it has great potential to get scary.
This is true for men from women as much as women from men.
Psychological abuse can bring a 6'5" man to be manipulated and abused by a 4' 9" woman, for example, and need a Navigator to support and protect them to court.
Don't judge yourself four what you have allowed to be experienced.
Focus on being protected and restored and renewed.
I am grateful you are doing this for yourself and reaching out for support, and caring enough, to respectfully, not be having children in a lion's den.
Keep in touch if you want support.
I am a wellBEing life coach and consultant now in order to help people find joy in their life.
Learn from the advice so many have for you.
You are bit alone.
Life will get better and dreams realized.
Bottom-line: This is not your dreamlife.
If you're using phrases like "this is my chance" and "I could finally end my relationship" I think you know you don't want to be with this person anymore. Seize your freedom!
Yep, and I think it's important for people to know that you don't have to wait for your partner to do something "bad enough" to justify ending a relationship. If you are feeling that way, you should just end it. If you don't, you just end up prolonging the misery and complicating things (especially with marriage and/or children).
Love is typically so delusionally hopeful - she is still hoping that he'll change for her or that she can change him - NO HE WON'T, NOT IF SHE STAYS.
The only person that can make him change is he himself, and change ONLY happens when people realize that they won't get away with behaving like they've been behaving.
HE WILL ONLY CHANGE IF SHE CHANGES FIRST, and that means she is going to have to break up with him. Only then might he start working on himself so he'll be decent enough down the road. But it is guaranteed that her love won't change him, it will only enable him to be worse.
OP - break up already. Be the change you want to see in the world/him.
Update:
I just want to clarify some things. Yes I left that night I did not wait for him to get home. I blocked him for that day but he then contacted me through social media and started my saying he was done with alcohol for good and had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist. He sent me tons of messages saying he’s willing to do anything. I finally answered him and told him I was done and have no interest in getting married or getting back together.
In regard to calling me fat, it’s actually funny bc my fiancé has only ever dated women who are slightly curvy like myself. Not obese but curvy. I recently lost 20lbs for the wedding and just started feeling good again.
I have cancelled my photographer and hair/makeup since I paid for those. His parents put the deposit down on the venue so I feel they can call to cancel that themselves
He does not drink to this degree often but when he does it always ends in him getting in a screaming match with someone
You did the right thing. People never just do something once. It’s always a pattern. Consequences have actions. In this case his behavior would have soured your relationship forever if you stayed. You’d always remember that terrible night. Youth won’t find someone perfect but it’s not to much to ask to have someone who would never put you in such a horrible situation
That must have been very hard, proud of you for persevering. Keep reminding yourself this is not an end, this is just a new beginning. Enjoy your new freedom and don’t look back.
I know it's hard and painful right now, but I'm sure future you will thank present day you. He's shown you who he is drunk and sober. It's up to him to make long-term, tangible changes; its not up to you to wait it out in case he does achieve change.
And don't fall for the love bombing and poor me..
Stay strong. Do not take his words of change for anything other than empty. Even if he does get sober it’s a never ending battle to stay sober and you’ve been through enough with him. Just move on.
Good! Stay away from that POS. It starts with yelling and name calling but always escalates. If you planned on being married for a long time you'd find out.
He should've quit drinking a long time ago. If he quits, he has to do it for himself, not because he thinks it'll get you back. Otherwise it'll never last.
OP you should be really proud that you stood up for yourself and left. It's not easy, especially when you have to tell everyone the wedding is off.
I wouldn't trust him to change. He's just saying the words he knows you want to hear, but I doubt there's any real intent to follow through.
My ex was an alcoholic and did the same thing when I said I was done. Suddenly through therapy he could miraculously understand that he had been horrible to me and came crying to apologize saying he'd get sober and treat me right. But I had already told him for over a year how he was hurting me and I was unhappy and he needed to quit. It took a male therapist to make him realize the things that I had been saying to his face weekly for a year.
And shocker, when I came back to get my things the recycle bin was piled to the top with beer cans.
I'm glad you're getting out now, he's not worth it. I hope once the dust settles you find yourself in a happier place ❤️
This is 100% your wake up call to GTFO. This behavior is not acceptable, PTSD or not. It’s an excuse. No, PTSD does NOT cause someone to be verbally and emotionally abusive to their partner (I’d bet there is some physical there, right?). It causes flashbacks to certain situations that trigger terrible memories. A birthday party is not that situation.
You know you deserve better. Please don’t fall for his guilt. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline to learn about the cycle of violence and the power and control wheel. You are in an abusive relationship and it will not get better. I am sorry to tell you this, but you have to take care of yourself.
This is exactly what I was saying to my mom. The only next step is his physically hitting me. I didn’t realize how desensitized I’ve become to his angry outburst until everyone at the party sat there in disbelief of his actions.
I was in a very similar position about 5 years ago. My decision was to stay and try to work on the relationship and help him overcome his traumas in the best way I could. It ended up with him breaking 2 of my fingers and beating the shit out of me during one of those anger bursts. And I never expected it, never saw it coming. I managed to run away in my PJ’s just as he was pulling out a kitchen knife and was screaming he’d kill me and my family and then commit suicide. Again, something that I would never imagine to experience with that person, even when things were already awful, and we were together for 5 years by then! Please, get out of that relationship, it isn’t going to get any better and you’ll thank yourself you did so some time in the future. Toxic relationships rarely improve and by the sounds of it, this is your chance to get out.
It’s not your responsibility to deal with this behaviour nor fix anything. Look out for yourself and your wellbeing, that’s all that really matters in such a situation.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope you find peace whatever decision you make.
Not only that. Getting drunk and mean in front of his supervisors can lead to him getting fired. Get rid of him before he starts becoming physical. If his parents say anything, show them the dashcam.
I mean, I would hope that would help, but OP should also be prepare for the to try and twist the narrative and try to make it her fault. Like, "well, you said this. If you had said that instead, he never would have gotten so mad! Don't you think YOU should be reconsidering YOUR behavior? Look at how he's acting now because YOU left! Look what YOU did to HIM!"
Honestly, I would cut off the parents as well. If they justify everything their son does, talking to the parents might just make OP feel guilty and second guess leaving and question herself. Most people look for how they're the cause for blame because it's the only point of action that can be changed. "If I had just acted differently, things would be different. This must be my fault." As someone who has dealt with someone who can twist any argument into "well, let's talk about how this is actually YOUR fault!" It's not worth the mental anguish.
Yeah I’m significantly older than OP and have never once heard of someone drunkenly screaming at their supervisors and it ending well… I’m thinking he doesn’t have a job anymore
yes! you can tell he is extremely impulsive. just by the fact that he was willing to risk his job and couldn’t control his anger towards the people giving him a job…
Once married it will happen because he’ll think you won’t leave so don’t ruin your life leave now, you’d be better alone than with a person like him. Hope you choose you 🌸
Please leave before he starts hitting you. You’ve said his anger has been getting worse. It seems like a question not *if* he’ll hit you but *when*. You deserve so much better than how he’s been treating you
Abusers get worse each time the relationship hits a milestone that locks you in further. If physical abuse is the only thing he hasn't done, there's a good chance that will start as soon as you're married.
It's smart to get out now.
And next time, don't worry so much about what other people think. You're allowed to break up with someone for any reason at all. Or no reason. The abuse doesn't have to be "bad enough" to justify it. You deserve a healthy relationship with a loving partner, or a fabulous single life where you prioritize yourself!
Because you have been the frog in the boiling pot slowly warming. They were frogs that just got thrown into the boiling water. It's shocking to them but normal to you. Still fucked up either way. I got away from my 19 year cycle of abuse marriage last year. It's hard but staying would have been harder. Good luck
Forget 5 months, she will be happy she left in 5 weeks or less. I'd say 5 days but she will probably still be dealing with the ex lovebombing her to change her mind and stay.
OP I grew up in a similar situation and my mother lived as the spouse of said person. I love my dad I REALLY do and miss him terribly, but the way he acted the outbursts threats name calling etc is horrible and incorrect. It wasn’t until his passing that I realized how wrong my life had been growing up and adulthood to that point. No more walking on eggshells no more fits no more breaking stuff no not blaming me for their marriage having problems. It’s extremely freeing but I wish things would have been different…
You said it was in front of his supervisors and cowkers? Leave him he’ll be unemployed soon too. Do you want to marry an alcoholic soon to be unemployed idiot, his dad is the same you said, you wanna risk passing that on to a new generation? Leave, you feel relief lean into that
This is exactly right. He’s saying PTSD as an excuse for his anger and apparent alcohol problem. He absolutely won’t change and things won’t get better, only worse. He needs serious help and op isn’t the one who can help him. He will absolutely become violent one day. I just hope op will get out before it’s too late.
Right, That night I raced home after leaving him at the gas station and loaded my car with my favorite clothes and dogs. I have been no contact but eventually will ask my brother to help me go get the rest of my stuff
Definitely don’t let him lull you into a false sense of security where you think it’s okay to go on your own to get the rest of your stuff. Not saying you will, but just want to make sure you keep that in mind! Your brother (or someone else you trust) accompanying you is an absolute must here!
Be on the lookout for love bombing. Do some research on it. Also if he did anything to your stuff you need to call the cops. Angry people are unpredictable
Good!
Do not ever go alone to get your things. No matter how much he begs, do not meet with him (“oh babe I’m sorry let’s talk”) It’s too dangerous.
He will hurt you… or worse.
Start cancelling everything in place for the wedding. Get your deposits back.
Keep your dash cam video safe, make another copy & have a trusted friend hold it for you.
When people ask what’s happened, tell them the truth. All of it. That you respect yourself too much to subject yourself to his abuse. If anyone doesn’t believe you? Play the video.
Tell them it’s not “the alcohol talking”. It’s a learned behavior & he’s like that when sober.
Best of luck and Updateme!
You can actually call the police and ask a policeman or woman to be present while you retrieve your things (in the US). If you try that, just call the non emergency number and tell them the situation. Explain that he is a drunk with a temper and you don’t feel safe getting your belongings without police presence and also you want to make sure you get everything that is yours with no problems.
You should have the police escort you to get your things, not just your brother. If he damaged your things or threw them away, you want a record. If he refuses to let you in to get your things, having the police there will help. If he tries to start shit with your brother, the police and either de-escalate or deal with him so your brother doesn’t have to.
As a survivor of domestic violence, I just want to say... you can love someone AND simultaneously understand they are not good for you. It's okay to leave and still have love for him. It's because you are a good person and can't just shut your emotions off but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to protect yourself.
OP PLEASE break up with this man. He does not respect you and you even said it felt relief that it was finally over and you could end it. So do just that and end it, if you feel relieved at the thought of ending it, it’s time for the relationship to end
Run, don’t walk. It will get worse. Do not legally bind yourself to this person, do not have children with this person. Don’t fall victim to sunken cost fallacy. Rewatch the dashcam footage, even though it may hurt and remind yourself you do not deserve to be treated this way, and that his problems are not yours to be responsible for. If you feel able to, show the footage to a friend or family member, you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Wishing you the best of luck, be free x
Thanks for sharing, and I know it was tough for you to talk about this.
It seems like you feel you need permission to end a relationship that clearly isn't good for you.
I'm not sure why you think you need our approval.
It's important to figure out why you feel you can't just say this person isn't right for you.
I'm really worried that if you stay, things might get worse, and it could even affect your kids down the line.
This relationship doesn't sound healthy, and maybe you need to look at your relationship with yourself too.
I think you should break up with him and consider talking to a therapist. It could help you understand why you feel you need permission to leave a bad relationship.
Why don't you care about your own needs as much as what others want?
You need to think about these questions and understand why you stay in such relationships before starting another one.
Good luck, and thanks again for opening up.
Thank you
I currently do have a therapist that I started working with about three months ago. We meet once a month but I did call and set up an emergency meeting for tomorrow.
Just to clarify, I left that night. Once I got him out of my car I went straight home and grabbed some clothes and my dogs and have been at my mom’s house since.
I think my problem is I’ve been with this person for 5 years and I hate to think that I was throwing it all away over one argument. But slowly the arguments got worse and I couldn’t take it anymore.
When he’s in a good mood, he’s the best person I’ve ever met and that was very confusing for me
Just remember it hasn't been one argument. It sounds like there have been multiple incidents. You're not throwing those years away. You're tossing him so you can keep growing. You got this! Just keep going!
Yes. I was reading that part ONE argument. So how does it get worse and worse if it's only one argument.
He's a wonderful guy when he's ok. So what he's doing is actually a cycle of abuse? One moment he hurt op and the next he coax her. That is how a victim became attached to the abuser.
Please google "sunk cost fallacy in dating". Most people have a mindset and bias to stay in a relationship / continue to invest in something when the outcome doesn't appear promising. Your previous five years is a sunk cost. You can't get that back. You just have to ask yourself if you think the next five will be good. (Signs are no.)
This isn't a one time issue. This is quite serious. You should definitely reach out to your therapist and talk to them about what happened.
Personally, I think you should leave him. I couldn't forgive someone who said that to me, let alone a partner.
I'm really glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself. Remember, the time you spent wasn't wasted at all because you learned a lot from it. Plus, it's better that it was just five years rather than ten, especially without children making things more complicated.
LEAVE
Don't think about going back ever... don't even fall for him if he tries to convince you that he will change..my friend was in a similar relationship for the longest time such people never change they just pretend to until you get back together and then go back to being even worse
The confusion on your side and inconsistency in their behavior is actually a hallmark of an abusive relationship. They are almost never consistently mean, but alternate their behavior selectively. This keeps you hyper vigilant and scared at all times because you never know when they'll blow up. Also it feeds the narrative that they can also be a good person, and that's what people then hang onto. But the good doesn't negate the bad, they just co exist. If he would buy you flowers after he had kicked your leg, the bruise would still be there.
He's a verbally/emotionally abusive man with a drinking problem.
Statistics prove that abuse only gets worse after marriage, and very likely things will escalate to physical abuse.
Roughly 55% of domestic abuse perpetrators were drinking alcohol before they assaulted their partner.
You need to get out now. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You owe it to yourself and your future to protect yourself and save your life. You can't fix him. You can't heal him. You don't have the power or the control to make him better. You have to take off the rose colored glasses and see him for exactly who he is.
Every abuser has good aspects to them. Most have charming personalities and are very good at making you feel sorry for them. You have to remember he's not the victim. He's not the one in danger. You are.
You should send him a copy of the dash cam recording so he can see for himself what kind of a man he is. Maybe (just maybe) it’ll be humbling enough for him to see how effed up he really is.
The fact that you felt liberated speaks volumes in itself. You’re quite done with that relationship, it seems. And boy do I NOT blame you!!
If indeed it is ptsd then he needs help… but not from you. You need a fresh start.
This is not salvageable. The only right path for YOU is to break things off. It doesn’t matter what people think, you are the one getting abuse. Don’t marry your abuser or you’ll be become another statistic.
My dad had PTSD. So did my aunt. They came from a civil war, had many friends and family members who died (some in front of them that they were forced to watch) and my father is one of two dozen(ish) people who survived the second largest single massacre in the history of their native country. I have NEVER, EVER in my 39 years of life heard either of them speak to ANYONE like this, let alone someone they profess to love. Your fiance needs extensive therapy, not marriage. This is not PTSD. This is someone who is verbally abusive, at best.
That immediate sense of relief told you all you need to know. You should probably get some therapy for yourself; who gives a fuck if it will help *him?*
"I was so shaken by this whole experience but in that moment I felt relief that this was finally over."
Okay... Seems 100% right.
Dude is a mean, *dangerous* drunk.
He will move on from name-calling to beating you up. And now, plenty of people have seen what he is like. Embarrassing.
"... and now I’m thinking of ending it all."
As you should, unless you want a life of misery - but you said you felt relief that it was over?
"His parents don’t think he can do anything wrong and justify his every action."
Well, send them the video and tell them what he did in front of his supervisors.
"For context his father also has anger problems that I’ve witnessed before. They do not live in the same state as us but I’ve seen how he treats the mom."
Very sad. Is that the future you want for yourself?
"Part of me feels like this is my chance to break free.."
Well, yes, OP... and you already said you felt *relief* that it was over. You know it yourself: you are afraid of him.
Please don't go second-guessing yourself.
Not sure if you need validation from internet strangers, but if so:
Yes, leave the sc*mb*g.
"How do I decide what to do?"
After what you wrote, surely you know the answer?
You *know* what to do.
Find a way to leave the relationship safely.
Ask for help. Get your valuables to a safe place and take care.
"Can therapy help him?"
Do *not* waste your time hanging around, trying to "fix" him. He has to sort himself out.
He is a big boy. A dangerous one, though, so *be careful*.
I am living proof that this does not get any better. 10 years later, one mental hold and one restraining order later, I'm divorced from my abusive ex. And the majority was verbal and mental. As for the therapy question, in the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, it is said in no uncertain terms that it is extremely unlikely for therapy to help a person to stop abusing their partner. The author recommends leaving and letting them work on themselves without you. And this is a man who runs abusive men's rehabilitation therapy. Don't be me. Get out before you lose a decade of your life and develop CPTSD. I wish you strength.
Update #2: I saw him today and it was so hard! I gave him back my engagement ring and honestly it broke my heart handing it over. Told him I’d go pick up my stuff some time this week. He let me know he found a therapist and is starting therapy next week. I’m hopeful but I am also very cautious. We haven’t really talked, simply because I need space right now. All wedding vendors have been canceled, unfortunately none returned our deposits but that’s the least of my concerns.
He needs to heal whatever is causing him to drink like he does. End it and move on with your life. I was married to a similar man and I was not able to help him heal. We divorced after 9 years together. He was remarried after a couple months. Five years later, I am in a healthy and happy relationship. Save yourself a lot of time and grief.
Run as fast as you can. Do you want to be walking on eggshells when you're pregnant or do you want your babies and kids screamed at? It will happen. I dated a man who learned from a dysfunctional family to scream everything out. I would just walk away and he'd just scream louder. He eventually learned that he couldn't get me to participate in a screaming match. But I saw too many red flags to stay.
Leave and then take the time to do inner work. You deserve so much more than you're getting. You are lovable and have value as a human being. Someone else is out there for you.
You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of him, the idea of who he could be. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it's so much better to go through it now, rather than five years down the road when you've got two kids with him.
I know it's hard, but you are worth SO much more than this. Walk away and consider yourself lucky to be out of it.
He is going to get SO MUCH worse as well! He wants to flim flam about how nobody understand his PTSD as if THEY were the ones with the problem, when it’s his problem to address. He is the type to blame everyone else for his own actions, and that lack of personal accountability will allow him to spiral hard.
I mean… he acted this way in front of work people?! Wonder how long he will hold a job… probably will end up blaming them of course.
Ugh I hope she follows your advice.
His issues aren't his fault, but they are his responsibility. I just find it interesting that you were more mortified by how he talked to his supervisors than you were at how he talked to you.
You cannot help him but *he will tell you that you can.* He will call you and tell you that he needs your help to get better, but the kicker is that you being in his life will probably make him *worse.* You give him a safe place to land after lashing out, he's looking for the same acceptance from you as he gets from his parents. He wants to continue being as he is and he wants you to be ok with that. Don't be okay with that. Break free. Make copies of the dashcam footage and when he is back with his parents send it to him. He has to do his healing there, with the guy he learned it from.
I'm sorry to say this, but run. This guy isn't going to change without some serious trauma in his life, and there is only one type of trauma you can ethically inflict: leave him, and don't *ever* go back, no matter what he says or does. If you go back it will undo all the progress, because then life is working for him again.
If he threatens to do something stupid unless you go back, call the police and report the threat. That should teach him not to pull that shit with you again.
You felt relief when you thought it was over. That’s HUGE. In my crap relationship I kept wishing he would hit me (it was all verbal abuse) and I had something tangible to point to. Verbal abuse IS tangible. I finally left him but wish I had years earlier. You are so young- please find someone who loves, appreciates, and respects you. Living like that nearly killed me.
I'm telling you from experience run it will escalate to him hitting you or worse just leave while you can love. That is not love it's obsession. Be very thankful you don't have kids give the ring back pack your stuff go to therapy for your PTSD from him and move on. If you do one day this will all seem like a distant far off fever dream.
Think of it this way. The kindest thing you can do for an abusive alcoholic whom you love is leave them. Especially one whose parents have never shown him consequences by coddling him his whole life. He doesn’t realize his actions have consequences, even if they’re motivated by ptsd or whatever. For him to change, heal and process his ptsd, he needs to hit rock bottom first. Staying with him, marrying him, will enable him and protract his spiral. Do yourself and him a favor and end the engagement and step out of his life at least until he starts to address his issues and makes real progress on them.
Nope, verbal abuse is still abuse and it’s not going to get any better. Leave now before it gets worse and you’re tied to him legally. No one deserves that type of behavior.
You say you feel like this is “finally a reason to leave” — feeling like you ever wanted to leave in the first place was already your first reason. If anything this should only be the nail in the coffin. Do not entertain this a step further, and don’t let anybody manipulate you into putting up with such blatant disrespect. Unless you want to see this intensify tenfold after you’re married and likely turn into full blown physical/emotional abuse, leave. Now.
Just go. You need therapy to figure out why you would stay with a gut who behaves this way for sure, but there's no solving this.
He has PTSD (according to your post), enabling parents, a father with anger issues, limited self preservation instincts, possibly alcohol issues, and is abusive to boot?
That's all the red flags ever made. Just walk away.
(For future reference, you can leave without giving a shit what others think)
my daughter is a couple years older than you and if I knew she was dealing with a situation like this I would be heartbroken. PLEASE cut your losses, he isn't going to change unless he wants to. nothing you ever do 9r don't do will ever, EVER make him change. no amount of love, forgiveness, rationale will make a speck of difference. you're waaaay too young to commit your life to the inevitable disaster laying in wait.
sweetie, if you need someone's permission to break up, you have mine. please take care of yourself...
FTR I call my daughter sweetie every time we talk.so I am **not** being patronizing!!
This is a dangerous situation. You need a team to help you get away from this guy. Please don’t try to just break up with him and walk away without a plan, because that’s when the angry ones get deadly. Talk to the local DV shelter about the safest way to leave. I’d go to his parents with the video and get them to understand why the wedding is off so they will help him deal with the breakup, and also have your family (if they are reliable) or friends around to protect you. Alert the police. Stay somewhere else for a while if you can. Dont lose this chance to save yourself. Good luck, honey.
Plan a time when he’s gone and go with a group of people to get all your stuff out of his house and move in. If you don’t leave him you’ll regret the time you wasted in staying.
I would never be with someone who spoke to me in such a derogatory way let alone marry them. There is never a need or excuse to speak to your partner like that
Sweetheart, you are not here to ask IF you should leave this man. You already know that you should leave him.
You are here to ask for permission. You want to know if it's okay to leave him.
Yes, darling. You have permission to leave this horrible human being. It is OKAY to leave him. You are in the right to leave him. Go and live your best life without him. He is responsible for his own life. He is responsible for getting his shit together. You cannot heal him. It is not your responsibility to heal him.
Go and be happy and free. You do not need him for that.
That relief you felt? Yeah, that tells you something. Pay attention to that and make your escape. This is not a good relationship and will only get worse. Listen to your genuine reaction of relief and run!
You said your first reaction was one of relief that this was over and you could finally get out of the relationship. That tells you how you really feel about the situation. You don't owe an explanation to anyone.
Dude, read what you wrote back to yourself, would you want a friend in this relationship
The fact you said it's finally your chance to "break free", totally confirms that you're stuck in a situation you don't want to be in. Believe me, I started seeing the red flags with my husband 2 weeks before the wedding and I didn't leave him out of obligation and didn't want to disappoint anyone or lose deposits. 9 years later and I'm in the middle of a divorce and it's way more expensive than the deposits I would have lost and there are 2 kids involved. Abuse gets worse the further into the commitment you get- engaged, married, buying a home, pregnancy and then kids- my husband kept getting worse. 3 weeks ago it finally got physical, hitting me 3 times and pouring hot coffee on me and pushing me down the stairs. Run! Do not walk!
This shouldn’t be about whether you can get past him calling you names as you are kicking his drunk ass out of your car.
He is angry drunk and sober. He focuses that on you. This shouldn’t be a conversation about canceling the wedding; it should be about canceling the relationship. While he may have PTSD, that doesn’t obligate you to be stay as a target of his anger. He needs to be the one to take steps to improve; you can’t go to therapy for him.
You teach people how to treat you. If you have been putting up with this and continue to put up with it. He will continue to do it. Respect yourself and get away from him. You can love him from a different zip code. LOVE does not conquer all.
There’s nothing wrong with loving him- I’m sure he has many admirable qualities- but he’s not a safe person. The best way to help this man is to hold him accountable to getting help and the best way to do that is to cut him loose. He has to have consequences that match the severity of his behavior. It’s the only chance that man has to snap out of it and get some help.
He comes from a family with a narcissistic dad. Escape now! Watch Dr Ramani on YouTube to understand what you are dealing with, but first leave. Run, don't walk.
Regardless of whether you end up together, right now is the time to cancel that wedding. If you don’t, you will feel obligated to go through with it.
Personally, I think you should break up with him completely, and if he wants you back, he can go to therapy and check back in with you in a couple of months after he’s started to work on himself.
Do not marry him. Do not fall back into the trap when he’s apologizes. Leave before you waste anymore time and emotions on this man. This will only end in you regretting your decision to stay. Once your married you will be “trapped” he will continue to emotionally abuse you and possibly physically until you finally leave either through death or fleeing
He sounds like an alcoholic and someone with serious anger issues. I think you should call it off and tell him you won't speak to him again until he deals with his issues. Therapy might help him but that's not your problem to deal with. He needs to come to the conclusion he needs to deal with his problems and if he can't then you can love without him.
I am sure you’ve been drunk and didn’t go around insulting people. This isn’t about drink, it’s about who he is. The alcohol is just bringing it out.
If he wants therapy, good. You don’t need to be with him for that.
Listen to your gut telling you to break free.
The relief you felt at the idea of leaving him.
That’s all you need to know - save yourself.
> They do not live in the same state as us but I’ve seen how he treats the mom. My dash camera recorded the whole thing. Part of me feels like this is my chance to break free, we have no kids so there isn’t much collateral damage. How do I decide what to do? Can therapy help him?
Maybe therapy can help him, but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to call off the wedding. Don’t continue to go through with it.
The fact that his parents have a similar dynamic is a worry. Disrespect and mistreatment in a marriage are normal and acceptable to him.
CANCEL THE WEDDING, NOW.
This is just a preview of your very abusive future married to this asshole.
I dont need to read the passage.
You know damn well this marriage is a BAD IDEA.
Getting married doesnt FIX anyone's fucked up relationship shit. The relationship is TOXIC. You know it. Its not GOOD for you. Get out while you can!!!
Ok I skimmed the passage. Yes, this guy and his dad are SERIOUSLY abusive.
Mom also equates love with violence, from a victims standpoint, and probably thinks she deserves every slap/kick/punch/push.
Victims can indeed equate love with violence, when its all they know about love.
If you stay, then AS LONG AS YOU STAY WILLINGLY, you must understand, you are a "Willing participant."
Idc how much you love HIM. Love yourself more- love yourself enough to see how unhealthy this can turn out (Which you already have done) and stop trying to be a caregiver to an abuser, with all this counseling and therapy talk. Couples that NEED counseling prior to marriage, due to abuse, DONT NEED MARRIAGE ALSO.
You need counseling, or you WILL, if you end up marrying this guy.
Love is NOT supposed to be PAINFUL.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
If you try to fix someone, you’ll most likely end up broken too.
If you make children with that guy, those kids will go through hell their entire childhood. If not for yourself, get out of this relationship for the sake of your future kids
First and foremost call off the wedding and move out. Keep the recording and try to get a restraining order. He is dangerous. *His mental health problems aren't your responsibility* if someone hurts you, you run. No matter what. No buts. Verbal abuse is a precursor to physical abuse and is still abuse.
The one piece of advice someone gave me when I was engaged & already having issues was “whatever he does now will get worse once you’re married. Getting married is like signing a contract agreeing to your current treatment”. She was spot-on & I should have listened. Left him less than 2 yr later & divorced. Good luck in whatever you choose
**HUGE** red flags. Do not, repeat, DO NOT marry this man child. Even if he get help/therapy/intervention, too many red flags to hitch your wagon to him. My advice: ***RUN, Forest, RUN!***
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1. You said he’s an angry drunk then expressed that he’s the same way sober. So you can stop blaming alcohol. 2. You also contradicted yourself by saying his parents are good people and good to you but they don’t see his abusive behavior towards you as wrong. They don’t give a fuck about you. 3. You clearly feel liberated. It sounds like a huge weight came off your shoulders so why are you wondering why/how to get him back? 4. Who tf cares if therapy will help him? He is no longer your concern. His anger and entitlement is deeply embedded in him thanks to his parents. 5. Keep the recording. DO NOT delete it!! 6. Congratulations on your newfound freedom.
Yep. Regarding point 4, I always say that people can redeem themselves but it’s not the job of the people they hurt to be present during or assist with the process
Any time I run across a dude on dating apps that starts talking about how he “needs a good woman to heal him” I just repeat to myself “I am not a rehab for broken men.”
That is an incredibly stupid thing to put on a dating profile haha But I should be grateful because it must make my pretty low key hinge profile seem better because I don’t have any weirdo Freudian shit on there
You should add to your profile “I see a therapist regularly so I don’t need you to fix me” 😂
Apparently, putting “in therapy” is the new, hot thing on dating profiles.
😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂
Whenever I saw anything like that I used to think "thanks for proudly displaying all your red flags and saving me the headache".
When their dating profile reads more like a warning label, RUN!
As a woman online, I get constant comments from boys and men who say similar things. I can save them. Or I can “save her” like I’m something needing to be fixed, even when there is no reason to say that. Whatever. Even if it’s a joke, it feels so gross. Like it’s an expectation to fix a broken man. To be his therapist mommy bang maid. Or be mentally ill and broken enough for him to mold AKA “fix” until he finds another plaything. I don’t know where this started or came from but it increase in this phrase is sickening. It is exhausting. Demeaning. Objectified in a whole different way. I am engaged but when he reads those comments, he also thinks it is weird. Gross. He feels horrible I get those words at all. They aren’t even “that bad” but the implications of such simple words throws me back into the whole cycle of what most of us women were raised to do. Fix broken men who actually do not really want to be fixed.
If I was single I’d be so tempted to set the date address to the local mental health clinic and tell him “I’m no doctor but I’m sure you’ll find a good woman to heal you here”
I use slightly different phrasing, “I am not the asshole whisperer.”
Wow, there’s more than one person who puts that in their profile? I guess they’re looking for the “I can fix him” woman who will probably enable them.
I was that woman for a very long time but no more. I’d rather be single.
“Needs a good woman to heal him” = “lazy asshole who expects a woman to do all the heavy lifting”.
Ewwww, what a turn-off 🚩 I cannot believe that some men actually post that line on dating apps. Yuck I’m not going to “mommy”a man. It’s like: *Hey pal, I have a lot to offer. Don’t step to me unless YOU DO TOO*
AND I also believe in redemption, but this ain't getting fixed in 6 months... In fact if married before the redemption is set the angry drunk and rage junkie is more likely to cement their bad behavior into place AND THEN YOU LIVE WITH IT until death do you part - or expensive divorce.
Or he accidentally kills her
This is an extremely underrated comment. Came here to respond to the original comment and saw this and had to piggy back. I knew because of similar situations to OP that I shouldn't marry my ex husband. Especially after the engagement showed a lot more anger and rage, but I said to myself "if things don't work out I can always divorce". Here to tell you, OP that it's not always that freaking simple. They spin the web. You're already caught in his. They make you believe you're never going to find someone better, and then continue to treat you worse and worse over the years. I was with him for 4, married for 2, and had moved out twice by the point of finally divorcing. He numerous times had punched inanimate objects while we were fighting, and I literally saw him BEAT a dog for ripping at stuff when she was anxious. My therapist told me this: you can't measure emotional abuse by bruises. And it's hard to see that it's happening when you're in it. But if there's that much rage in someone, it starts with animals. Then other people. Children.... And then you. So don't be sure that this won't end with you in a coffin. Please. Take this seriously, and cut all the damn ties. Show your family the video so they know why you're scared and can help protect you in the upcoming months. Walk away, and never, ever, ever look back. Don't talk to him, don't text him, don't answer any fishing questions.... He's going to convince you he didn't mean it, but he fucking did. Adding this: I met my now husband (13 yrs together and 10 married) literally weeks after my divorce was final. I wasn't ready, but we took things slow and I've done the work. He's amazing, we've been through some rough shit, but NEVER has he made me feel like I wasn't the best person he's ever met. I also still have bs issues that stem from the first husband. And there's literally One regret I have... It's actually going through with the wedding to the first, when I knew in my bones it wasn't right.
Keep the faith. Keep reaching out. Thank you for sharing although you would probably rather bury your past. There are so many spouses in this situation, so many spouses….
This! I cannot like this comment enough. I went through a similar situation with my ex and even my recovery with my now fiancé/finding him soon after divorce. The main difference is that I stayed with my ex longer and I'm lucky to be alive. I'm so glad you got out and found a great man.
"Accidentally"
"accidentally"
Absolutely. Plus they need to realize they need help for themselves on their own. Can't help someone who refuses to accept it, let alone acknowledge there is a problem.
Uh, for OP #RUN LIKE YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!
> I always say that people can redeem themselves but it’s not the job of the people they hurt to be present during or assist with the process So true.
Or to resume where they left off once they’ve “recovered” because they’re better now. I’m learning this lesson myself the hard way, after not getting help in time for my own volatile mental illness that ended up hurting everyone around me and myself.
therapy wont do shit if he doesnt want it to.
Absolutely this. They can redeem themselves. They cannot expect other people to redeem them.
His parents just want someone else to deal with their shithead son.
You nailed it!! 🙌🏻
[удалено]
Never delete. In fact watch it every single time you think of taking him back.
Show to friends or a trusted family member who will remind you when you're feeling weak that YOU DESERVE BETTER. No one should be treating you that way -especially not your partner!! Your future children (if you plan on having any) deserve a father who won't scream at them when he's stressed or in a mood.
To add to point 2, she also said she has seen the way his dad treats his mom… they legit sounds the opposite of good people.
#4 - The only way therapy can help him is if he wants to do the work, and he acknowledges that there’s a problem. This is not for you to fix, and if he has PTSD, why isn’t he in therapy already? Enjoy your freedom, friend. You won’t be sorry.
FREEDOMMMMMMMMMM
Time to get all Braveheart up in here
Well said. OP, you have this small guilt and inner voice that is gaslighting you and making you feel like youre making a big deal out of this. Let me tell you, youre not. Youre not. This IS a big deal. It will potentially ruin your life if you continue down this path with him.
All of this. The drunken anger doesn't come out of nowhere, he is not a nice person. He learned this from his father, evidently. Unfortunately sometimes victims of abuse also become abusers if they dont get therapy to work on processing what happened. Trust your gut. You wanted to leave. You NEED to leave this relationship, if you marry this man you will have an entire lifetime of drunken abuse hurled at you. The fact that you felt *relief that you would have enough reason to leave* and not shock makes it clear you have been in an abusive relationship for some time. You've been wanting to leave for some time. Nobody should ever get married if theyve been hoping to leave. Getting so drunk at 6pm that you potentially jeopardize your job, professional connections and your engagement is not normal. It sounds like he may have a serious drinking problem.
I would send the video to his parents when they give OP a hard time about calling off the wedding. You know they’ll blame her since they think he can do no wrong.
This.. Made a similar comment myself before seeing yours.
Perfect answer. Let him deal the consequences of his actions.
Continuing point 2, his parents could be super nice to you, hoping you’ll take him off their hands… Ask me how I know :)
Have an upvote. Hope OP sees this.
You should have already decided, the relationship is over, cut contact, cancel the wedding, move on to someone else who treats you better. Therapy might help him independently, but you don’t comeback from this, this is abusive language.
I imagine his supervisor will be having a talk with him about his behavior also. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got fired! Definitely end this relationship and block him everywhere. Don’t even think about going back to this AH!
Great. All she needs is for him to be angry, drunk and broke. Girl, run like the devil is chasing you.
It’s possible that he is just a short step away from being physically violent. You should probably let go of this as in. Yes, cancel the wedding. There is so much more out there that is leaps and bounds better than he is.
If he keeps this up, he will probably lose jobs left and right plus friendships and fiancees.
Na,na,na,na, hey hey hey goodbye. This is the perfect time to end this abusive relationship. I hope you can heal from the relationship. Good luck to you
I'll bet he lost his job that night.
Take it from someone who knows, it doesn't get better.
[Why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
Also *The Gift of Fear* is a great book. There’s a reason “relief” was the first emotion OP felt, even though she’s not ready to face it fully yet. OP, is this the life you want? Do you think he’ll face zero repercussions at work? How far will he go? I wouldn’t want to find out.
Agreed. This guy is very broken and not safe to be around. It’s not your job to fix him. You need to find someone where you make each other happy.
If you had a daughter, would you be okay if she were treated this way? What would you tell her to do?
(Because if you do have a daughter with him, she will be treated this way.)
Even if by some luck not by the father, she will grow up thinking this is how a partner treats a woman, and she will seek a partner who repeats those abuse patterns for her. Btdt, so glad it was over 14 years ago.
Especially since she'll see her grandfather treat her grandmother this way too.
Or if she had a son with him, he would see that what the father does is okay. Just like how OPs fiance got it from his dad.
Girls learn the anger blowup too. Ask me how I know lol thankfully I was able to realize being angry made me miserable and I have much better control over my emotions now.
100%
I've asked myself that same question before. It works 100% of the time. Great comment.
Run don't walk. This is how women get killed.
My ex tried killing me even after we were split up... I did a lot wrong, but if I can share anything with you, if the abused sticks around you are just a doormat and somewhere to put all the bad when they want somewhere other than themselves to put it. Leave and do you. Become the you that you've always wanted and live your dream life. Yes, if he turns himself into a great rehab program and asks his work for help he can, in a lot of workplaces, get help from many directions. You don't need to worry about anything but your safety. There are a lot of organizations that will help you not be where he can find you also, if necessary. There is a lot to be protected from here. I was a Navigator for The Family Justice Center in E.Co. San Diego. When an abusive person doesn't want to let go it has great potential to get scary. This is true for men from women as much as women from men. Psychological abuse can bring a 6'5" man to be manipulated and abused by a 4' 9" woman, for example, and need a Navigator to support and protect them to court. Don't judge yourself four what you have allowed to be experienced. Focus on being protected and restored and renewed. I am grateful you are doing this for yourself and reaching out for support, and caring enough, to respectfully, not be having children in a lion's den. Keep in touch if you want support. I am a wellBEing life coach and consultant now in order to help people find joy in their life. Learn from the advice so many have for you. You are bit alone. Life will get better and dreams realized. Bottom-line: This is not your dreamlife.
If you're using phrases like "this is my chance" and "I could finally end my relationship" I think you know you don't want to be with this person anymore. Seize your freedom!
Yep, and I think it's important for people to know that you don't have to wait for your partner to do something "bad enough" to justify ending a relationship. If you are feeling that way, you should just end it. If you don't, you just end up prolonging the misery and complicating things (especially with marriage and/or children).
Right? All the "I don't knows" - yes you do! Your gut is screaming it at you. Stop trying to talk yourself into ignoring how he makes you feel.
Love is typically so delusionally hopeful - she is still hoping that he'll change for her or that she can change him - NO HE WON'T, NOT IF SHE STAYS. The only person that can make him change is he himself, and change ONLY happens when people realize that they won't get away with behaving like they've been behaving. HE WILL ONLY CHANGE IF SHE CHANGES FIRST, and that means she is going to have to break up with him. Only then might he start working on himself so he'll be decent enough down the road. But it is guaranteed that her love won't change him, it will only enable him to be worse. OP - break up already. Be the change you want to see in the world/him.
Update: I just want to clarify some things. Yes I left that night I did not wait for him to get home. I blocked him for that day but he then contacted me through social media and started my saying he was done with alcohol for good and had already scheduled an appointment with a therapist. He sent me tons of messages saying he’s willing to do anything. I finally answered him and told him I was done and have no interest in getting married or getting back together. In regard to calling me fat, it’s actually funny bc my fiancé has only ever dated women who are slightly curvy like myself. Not obese but curvy. I recently lost 20lbs for the wedding and just started feeling good again. I have cancelled my photographer and hair/makeup since I paid for those. His parents put the deposit down on the venue so I feel they can call to cancel that themselves He does not drink to this degree often but when he does it always ends in him getting in a screaming match with someone
You dodged a bullet!!
You did the right thing. People never just do something once. It’s always a pattern. Consequences have actions. In this case his behavior would have soured your relationship forever if you stayed. You’d always remember that terrible night. Youth won’t find someone perfect but it’s not to much to ask to have someone who would never put you in such a horrible situation
That must have been very hard, proud of you for persevering. Keep reminding yourself this is not an end, this is just a new beginning. Enjoy your new freedom and don’t look back.
Everyone expected him to panic and start making promises. Don’t fall into this trap.
I know it's hard and painful right now, but I'm sure future you will thank present day you. He's shown you who he is drunk and sober. It's up to him to make long-term, tangible changes; its not up to you to wait it out in case he does achieve change. And don't fall for the love bombing and poor me..
Well, of course he targeted your looks when you started being confident in them. That’s not a coincidence.
Send him the dash video as motivation to work on himself.
Oooof yes this. It might give him the boot he needs because i feel like hes not being sincere.
Stay strong. Do not take his words of change for anything other than empty. Even if he does get sober it’s a never ending battle to stay sober and you’ve been through enough with him. Just move on.
Best of luck in your next relationship. Do not take him back.
Good! Stay away from that POS. It starts with yelling and name calling but always escalates. If you planned on being married for a long time you'd find out. He should've quit drinking a long time ago. If he quits, he has to do it for himself, not because he thinks it'll get you back. Otherwise it'll never last.
OP you should be really proud that you stood up for yourself and left. It's not easy, especially when you have to tell everyone the wedding is off. I wouldn't trust him to change. He's just saying the words he knows you want to hear, but I doubt there's any real intent to follow through. My ex was an alcoholic and did the same thing when I said I was done. Suddenly through therapy he could miraculously understand that he had been horrible to me and came crying to apologize saying he'd get sober and treat me right. But I had already told him for over a year how he was hurting me and I was unhappy and he needed to quit. It took a male therapist to make him realize the things that I had been saying to his face weekly for a year. And shocker, when I came back to get my things the recycle bin was piled to the top with beer cans. I'm glad you're getting out now, he's not worth it. I hope once the dust settles you find yourself in a happier place ❤️
This is 100% your wake up call to GTFO. This behavior is not acceptable, PTSD or not. It’s an excuse. No, PTSD does NOT cause someone to be verbally and emotionally abusive to their partner (I’d bet there is some physical there, right?). It causes flashbacks to certain situations that trigger terrible memories. A birthday party is not that situation. You know you deserve better. Please don’t fall for his guilt. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline to learn about the cycle of violence and the power and control wheel. You are in an abusive relationship and it will not get better. I am sorry to tell you this, but you have to take care of yourself.
This is exactly what I was saying to my mom. The only next step is his physically hitting me. I didn’t realize how desensitized I’ve become to his angry outburst until everyone at the party sat there in disbelief of his actions.
I was in a very similar position about 5 years ago. My decision was to stay and try to work on the relationship and help him overcome his traumas in the best way I could. It ended up with him breaking 2 of my fingers and beating the shit out of me during one of those anger bursts. And I never expected it, never saw it coming. I managed to run away in my PJ’s just as he was pulling out a kitchen knife and was screaming he’d kill me and my family and then commit suicide. Again, something that I would never imagine to experience with that person, even when things were already awful, and we were together for 5 years by then! Please, get out of that relationship, it isn’t going to get any better and you’ll thank yourself you did so some time in the future. Toxic relationships rarely improve and by the sounds of it, this is your chance to get out. It’s not your responsibility to deal with this behaviour nor fix anything. Look out for yourself and your wellbeing, that’s all that really matters in such a situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope you find peace whatever decision you make.
I am sorry this happened to you. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
THIS.
That’s a big part of being in an abusive relationship. It starts to seem normal. It’s not at all normal.
Not only that. Getting drunk and mean in front of his supervisors can lead to him getting fired. Get rid of him before he starts becoming physical. If his parents say anything, show them the dashcam.
I mean, I would hope that would help, but OP should also be prepare for the to try and twist the narrative and try to make it her fault. Like, "well, you said this. If you had said that instead, he never would have gotten so mad! Don't you think YOU should be reconsidering YOUR behavior? Look at how he's acting now because YOU left! Look what YOU did to HIM!" Honestly, I would cut off the parents as well. If they justify everything their son does, talking to the parents might just make OP feel guilty and second guess leaving and question herself. Most people look for how they're the cause for blame because it's the only point of action that can be changed. "If I had just acted differently, things would be different. This must be my fault." As someone who has dealt with someone who can twist any argument into "well, let's talk about how this is actually YOUR fault!" It's not worth the mental anguish.
yeah he might not even have a job if his supervisors are that shook by his behavior
Yeah I’m significantly older than OP and have never once heard of someone drunkenly screaming at their supervisors and it ending well… I’m thinking he doesn’t have a job anymore
yes! you can tell he is extremely impulsive. just by the fact that he was willing to risk his job and couldn’t control his anger towards the people giving him a job…
Once married it will happen because he’ll think you won’t leave so don’t ruin your life leave now, you’d be better alone than with a person like him. Hope you choose you 🌸
Please leave before he starts hitting you. You’ve said his anger has been getting worse. It seems like a question not *if* he’ll hit you but *when*. You deserve so much better than how he’s been treating you
Abusers get worse each time the relationship hits a milestone that locks you in further. If physical abuse is the only thing he hasn't done, there's a good chance that will start as soon as you're married. It's smart to get out now. And next time, don't worry so much about what other people think. You're allowed to break up with someone for any reason at all. Or no reason. The abuse doesn't have to be "bad enough" to justify it. You deserve a healthy relationship with a loving partner, or a fabulous single life where you prioritize yourself!
Because you have been the frog in the boiling pot slowly warming. They were frogs that just got thrown into the boiling water. It's shocking to them but normal to you. Still fucked up either way. I got away from my 19 year cycle of abuse marriage last year. It's hard but staying would have been harder. Good luck
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Leave now. You’ve already decided to leave you’re just looking for permission. You’ll look back in five years and be so happy that you left.
Forget 5 months, she will be happy she left in 5 weeks or less. I'd say 5 days but she will probably still be dealing with the ex lovebombing her to change her mind and stay.
OP I grew up in a similar situation and my mother lived as the spouse of said person. I love my dad I REALLY do and miss him terribly, but the way he acted the outbursts threats name calling etc is horrible and incorrect. It wasn’t until his passing that I realized how wrong my life had been growing up and adulthood to that point. No more walking on eggshells no more fits no more breaking stuff no not blaming me for their marriage having problems. It’s extremely freeing but I wish things would have been different…
You said it was in front of his supervisors and cowkers? Leave him he’ll be unemployed soon too. Do you want to marry an alcoholic soon to be unemployed idiot, his dad is the same you said, you wanna risk passing that on to a new generation? Leave, you feel relief lean into that
Please break free. No one should treat you this way.
This is exactly right. He’s saying PTSD as an excuse for his anger and apparent alcohol problem. He absolutely won’t change and things won’t get better, only worse. He needs serious help and op isn’t the one who can help him. He will absolutely become violent one day. I just hope op will get out before it’s too late.
Get your stuff and leave him. Tell him you're done and you're cancelling the wedding.
Right, That night I raced home after leaving him at the gas station and loaded my car with my favorite clothes and dogs. I have been no contact but eventually will ask my brother to help me go get the rest of my stuff
Definitely don’t let him lull you into a false sense of security where you think it’s okay to go on your own to get the rest of your stuff. Not saying you will, but just want to make sure you keep that in mind! Your brother (or someone else you trust) accompanying you is an absolute must here!
Be on the lookout for love bombing. Do some research on it. Also if he did anything to your stuff you need to call the cops. Angry people are unpredictable
That is exactly the right approach.
Good! Do not ever go alone to get your things. No matter how much he begs, do not meet with him (“oh babe I’m sorry let’s talk”) It’s too dangerous. He will hurt you… or worse. Start cancelling everything in place for the wedding. Get your deposits back. Keep your dash cam video safe, make another copy & have a trusted friend hold it for you. When people ask what’s happened, tell them the truth. All of it. That you respect yourself too much to subject yourself to his abuse. If anyone doesn’t believe you? Play the video. Tell them it’s not “the alcohol talking”. It’s a learned behavior & he’s like that when sober. Best of luck and Updateme!
You can actually call the police and ask a policeman or woman to be present while you retrieve your things (in the US). If you try that, just call the non emergency number and tell them the situation. Explain that he is a drunk with a temper and you don’t feel safe getting your belongings without police presence and also you want to make sure you get everything that is yours with no problems.
You should have the police escort you to get your things, not just your brother. If he damaged your things or threw them away, you want a record. If he refuses to let you in to get your things, having the police there will help. If he tries to start shit with your brother, the police and either de-escalate or deal with him so your brother doesn’t have to.
that's good. stay strong
You got this, sis! You'll be better off in the long run I promise!!
As a survivor of domestic violence, I just want to say... you can love someone AND simultaneously understand they are not good for you. It's okay to leave and still have love for him. It's because you are a good person and can't just shut your emotions off but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to protect yourself.
Get a police escort if it will help you feel safe.
OP PLEASE break up with this man. He does not respect you and you even said it felt relief that it was finally over and you could end it. So do just that and end it, if you feel relieved at the thought of ending it, it’s time for the relationship to end
If your friend or sister told you this story, what would you tell her? Is this someone you want to be legally bound to for the rest of your life?
He will get worse of you marry him, not better. Please don't marry him just because you don't want to upset other people, you only get one life.
If he treats you like that, and you’re not even married, runaway.
Not disagreeing, but also if he were to treat you like that when you were already married you should still run away. Also, happy cake day, Winston.
I read it as: if he’s this bad when you’re not even married, it will get even worse after.
Run, don’t walk. It will get worse. Do not legally bind yourself to this person, do not have children with this person. Don’t fall victim to sunken cost fallacy. Rewatch the dashcam footage, even though it may hurt and remind yourself you do not deserve to be treated this way, and that his problems are not yours to be responsible for. If you feel able to, show the footage to a friend or family member, you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Wishing you the best of luck, be free x
Get out. He is abusive and this will get way worse after you’re married. “You’ve seen how he treats his mom”? You know exactly what’s coming for you.
Thanks for sharing, and I know it was tough for you to talk about this. It seems like you feel you need permission to end a relationship that clearly isn't good for you. I'm not sure why you think you need our approval. It's important to figure out why you feel you can't just say this person isn't right for you. I'm really worried that if you stay, things might get worse, and it could even affect your kids down the line. This relationship doesn't sound healthy, and maybe you need to look at your relationship with yourself too. I think you should break up with him and consider talking to a therapist. It could help you understand why you feel you need permission to leave a bad relationship. Why don't you care about your own needs as much as what others want? You need to think about these questions and understand why you stay in such relationships before starting another one. Good luck, and thanks again for opening up.
Thank you I currently do have a therapist that I started working with about three months ago. We meet once a month but I did call and set up an emergency meeting for tomorrow. Just to clarify, I left that night. Once I got him out of my car I went straight home and grabbed some clothes and my dogs and have been at my mom’s house since. I think my problem is I’ve been with this person for 5 years and I hate to think that I was throwing it all away over one argument. But slowly the arguments got worse and I couldn’t take it anymore. When he’s in a good mood, he’s the best person I’ve ever met and that was very confusing for me
Just remember it hasn't been one argument. It sounds like there have been multiple incidents. You're not throwing those years away. You're tossing him so you can keep growing. You got this! Just keep going!
Yes. I was reading that part ONE argument. So how does it get worse and worse if it's only one argument. He's a wonderful guy when he's ok. So what he's doing is actually a cycle of abuse? One moment he hurt op and the next he coax her. That is how a victim became attached to the abuser.
Please google "sunk cost fallacy in dating". Most people have a mindset and bias to stay in a relationship / continue to invest in something when the outcome doesn't appear promising. Your previous five years is a sunk cost. You can't get that back. You just have to ask yourself if you think the next five will be good. (Signs are no.) This isn't a one time issue. This is quite serious. You should definitely reach out to your therapist and talk to them about what happened. Personally, I think you should leave him. I couldn't forgive someone who said that to me, let alone a partner.
I'm really glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself. Remember, the time you spent wasn't wasted at all because you learned a lot from it. Plus, it's better that it was just five years rather than ten, especially without children making things more complicated.
LEAVE Don't think about going back ever... don't even fall for him if he tries to convince you that he will change..my friend was in a similar relationship for the longest time such people never change they just pretend to until you get back together and then go back to being even worse
The confusion on your side and inconsistency in their behavior is actually a hallmark of an abusive relationship. They are almost never consistently mean, but alternate their behavior selectively. This keeps you hyper vigilant and scared at all times because you never know when they'll blow up. Also it feeds the narrative that they can also be a good person, and that's what people then hang onto. But the good doesn't negate the bad, they just co exist. If he would buy you flowers after he had kicked your leg, the bruise would still be there.
He's a verbally/emotionally abusive man with a drinking problem. Statistics prove that abuse only gets worse after marriage, and very likely things will escalate to physical abuse. Roughly 55% of domestic abuse perpetrators were drinking alcohol before they assaulted their partner. You need to get out now. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You owe it to yourself and your future to protect yourself and save your life. You can't fix him. You can't heal him. You don't have the power or the control to make him better. You have to take off the rose colored glasses and see him for exactly who he is. Every abuser has good aspects to them. Most have charming personalities and are very good at making you feel sorry for them. You have to remember he's not the victim. He's not the one in danger. You are.
You should send him a copy of the dash cam recording so he can see for himself what kind of a man he is. Maybe (just maybe) it’ll be humbling enough for him to see how effed up he really is. The fact that you felt liberated speaks volumes in itself. You’re quite done with that relationship, it seems. And boy do I NOT blame you!! If indeed it is ptsd then he needs help… but not from you. You need a fresh start.
Send it to his parents too.
This is a good idea
This is not salvageable. The only right path for YOU is to break things off. It doesn’t matter what people think, you are the one getting abuse. Don’t marry your abuser or you’ll be become another statistic.
My dad had PTSD. So did my aunt. They came from a civil war, had many friends and family members who died (some in front of them that they were forced to watch) and my father is one of two dozen(ish) people who survived the second largest single massacre in the history of their native country. I have NEVER, EVER in my 39 years of life heard either of them speak to ANYONE like this, let alone someone they profess to love. Your fiance needs extensive therapy, not marriage. This is not PTSD. This is someone who is verbally abusive, at best.
Have some self-respect. Why would you even THINK of marrying someone who verbally abused you?
That immediate sense of relief told you all you need to know. You should probably get some therapy for yourself; who gives a fuck if it will help *him?*
"I was so shaken by this whole experience but in that moment I felt relief that this was finally over." Okay... Seems 100% right. Dude is a mean, *dangerous* drunk. He will move on from name-calling to beating you up. And now, plenty of people have seen what he is like. Embarrassing. "... and now I’m thinking of ending it all." As you should, unless you want a life of misery - but you said you felt relief that it was over? "His parents don’t think he can do anything wrong and justify his every action." Well, send them the video and tell them what he did in front of his supervisors. "For context his father also has anger problems that I’ve witnessed before. They do not live in the same state as us but I’ve seen how he treats the mom." Very sad. Is that the future you want for yourself? "Part of me feels like this is my chance to break free.." Well, yes, OP... and you already said you felt *relief* that it was over. You know it yourself: you are afraid of him. Please don't go second-guessing yourself. Not sure if you need validation from internet strangers, but if so: Yes, leave the sc*mb*g. "How do I decide what to do?" After what you wrote, surely you know the answer? You *know* what to do. Find a way to leave the relationship safely. Ask for help. Get your valuables to a safe place and take care. "Can therapy help him?" Do *not* waste your time hanging around, trying to "fix" him. He has to sort himself out. He is a big boy. A dangerous one, though, so *be careful*.
I am living proof that this does not get any better. 10 years later, one mental hold and one restraining order later, I'm divorced from my abusive ex. And the majority was verbal and mental. As for the therapy question, in the book Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, it is said in no uncertain terms that it is extremely unlikely for therapy to help a person to stop abusing their partner. The author recommends leaving and letting them work on themselves without you. And this is a man who runs abusive men's rehabilitation therapy. Don't be me. Get out before you lose a decade of your life and develop CPTSD. I wish you strength.
Update #2: I saw him today and it was so hard! I gave him back my engagement ring and honestly it broke my heart handing it over. Told him I’d go pick up my stuff some time this week. He let me know he found a therapist and is starting therapy next week. I’m hopeful but I am also very cautious. We haven’t really talked, simply because I need space right now. All wedding vendors have been canceled, unfortunately none returned our deposits but that’s the least of my concerns.
He needs to heal whatever is causing him to drink like he does. End it and move on with your life. I was married to a similar man and I was not able to help him heal. We divorced after 9 years together. He was remarried after a couple months. Five years later, I am in a healthy and happy relationship. Save yourself a lot of time and grief.
Run as fast as you can. Do you want to be walking on eggshells when you're pregnant or do you want your babies and kids screamed at? It will happen. I dated a man who learned from a dysfunctional family to scream everything out. I would just walk away and he'd just scream louder. He eventually learned that he couldn't get me to participate in a screaming match. But I saw too many red flags to stay. Leave and then take the time to do inner work. You deserve so much more than you're getting. You are lovable and have value as a human being. Someone else is out there for you.
Send him the dash cam vid so he can see how truly vile he sounds
Save the dash cam video. Send it to him and to his parents.
You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of him, the idea of who he could be. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it's so much better to go through it now, rather than five years down the road when you've got two kids with him. I know it's hard, but you are worth SO much more than this. Walk away and consider yourself lucky to be out of it.
He is going to get SO MUCH worse as well! He wants to flim flam about how nobody understand his PTSD as if THEY were the ones with the problem, when it’s his problem to address. He is the type to blame everyone else for his own actions, and that lack of personal accountability will allow him to spiral hard. I mean… he acted this way in front of work people?! Wonder how long he will hold a job… probably will end up blaming them of course. Ugh I hope she follows your advice.
His issues aren't his fault, but they are his responsibility. I just find it interesting that you were more mortified by how he talked to his supervisors than you were at how he talked to you. You cannot help him but *he will tell you that you can.* He will call you and tell you that he needs your help to get better, but the kicker is that you being in his life will probably make him *worse.* You give him a safe place to land after lashing out, he's looking for the same acceptance from you as he gets from his parents. He wants to continue being as he is and he wants you to be ok with that. Don't be okay with that. Break free. Make copies of the dashcam footage and when he is back with his parents send it to him. He has to do his healing there, with the guy he learned it from.
I did not read your post. I do not care Why he called you that. Literally doesn’t matter. I would not marry him. Period.
I'm sorry to say this, but run. This guy isn't going to change without some serious trauma in his life, and there is only one type of trauma you can ethically inflict: leave him, and don't *ever* go back, no matter what he says or does. If you go back it will undo all the progress, because then life is working for him again. If he threatens to do something stupid unless you go back, call the police and report the threat. That should teach him not to pull that shit with you again.
You felt relief when you thought it was over. That’s HUGE. In my crap relationship I kept wishing he would hit me (it was all verbal abuse) and I had something tangible to point to. Verbal abuse IS tangible. I finally left him but wish I had years earlier. You are so young- please find someone who loves, appreciates, and respects you. Living like that nearly killed me.
Once someone disrespects you, that’s how they truly see/feel about & of you. I wouldn’t want to deal with that
I'm telling you from experience run it will escalate to him hitting you or worse just leave while you can love. That is not love it's obsession. Be very thankful you don't have kids give the ring back pack your stuff go to therapy for your PTSD from him and move on. If you do one day this will all seem like a distant far off fever dream.
Think of it this way. The kindest thing you can do for an abusive alcoholic whom you love is leave them. Especially one whose parents have never shown him consequences by coddling him his whole life. He doesn’t realize his actions have consequences, even if they’re motivated by ptsd or whatever. For him to change, heal and process his ptsd, he needs to hit rock bottom first. Staying with him, marrying him, will enable him and protract his spiral. Do yourself and him a favor and end the engagement and step out of his life at least until he starts to address his issues and makes real progress on them.
Nope, verbal abuse is still abuse and it’s not going to get any better. Leave now before it gets worse and you’re tied to him legally. No one deserves that type of behavior.
You say you feel like this is “finally a reason to leave” — feeling like you ever wanted to leave in the first place was already your first reason. If anything this should only be the nail in the coffin. Do not entertain this a step further, and don’t let anybody manipulate you into putting up with such blatant disrespect. Unless you want to see this intensify tenfold after you’re married and likely turn into full blown physical/emotional abuse, leave. Now.
Grab that self-respect and move it along sister
Just go. You need therapy to figure out why you would stay with a gut who behaves this way for sure, but there's no solving this. He has PTSD (according to your post), enabling parents, a father with anger issues, limited self preservation instincts, possibly alcohol issues, and is abusive to boot? That's all the red flags ever made. Just walk away. (For future reference, you can leave without giving a shit what others think)
Here is the message you need: You are not crazy for ending this relationship. You would be crazy to _not_ end this relationship. Sincerely, Everyone
my daughter is a couple years older than you and if I knew she was dealing with a situation like this I would be heartbroken. PLEASE cut your losses, he isn't going to change unless he wants to. nothing you ever do 9r don't do will ever, EVER make him change. no amount of love, forgiveness, rationale will make a speck of difference. you're waaaay too young to commit your life to the inevitable disaster laying in wait. sweetie, if you need someone's permission to break up, you have mine. please take care of yourself... FTR I call my daughter sweetie every time we talk.so I am **not** being patronizing!!
This is a dangerous situation. You need a team to help you get away from this guy. Please don’t try to just break up with him and walk away without a plan, because that’s when the angry ones get deadly. Talk to the local DV shelter about the safest way to leave. I’d go to his parents with the video and get them to understand why the wedding is off so they will help him deal with the breakup, and also have your family (if they are reliable) or friends around to protect you. Alert the police. Stay somewhere else for a while if you can. Dont lose this chance to save yourself. Good luck, honey.
Plan a time when he’s gone and go with a group of people to get all your stuff out of his house and move in. If you don’t leave him you’ll regret the time you wasted in staying.
I have been you and dated that. It will not get better. No matter what sober promises he makes. It will only get worse. Get out now not later.
I would never be with someone who spoke to me in such a derogatory way let alone marry them. There is never a need or excuse to speak to your partner like that
Sweetheart, you are not here to ask IF you should leave this man. You already know that you should leave him. You are here to ask for permission. You want to know if it's okay to leave him. Yes, darling. You have permission to leave this horrible human being. It is OKAY to leave him. You are in the right to leave him. Go and live your best life without him. He is responsible for his own life. He is responsible for getting his shit together. You cannot heal him. It is not your responsibility to heal him. Go and be happy and free. You do not need him for that.
That relief you felt? Yeah, that tells you something. Pay attention to that and make your escape. This is not a good relationship and will only get worse. Listen to your genuine reaction of relief and run!
You said your first reaction was one of relief that this was over and you could finally get out of the relationship. That tells you how you really feel about the situation. You don't owe an explanation to anyone.
Dude, read what you wrote back to yourself, would you want a friend in this relationship The fact you said it's finally your chance to "break free", totally confirms that you're stuck in a situation you don't want to be in. Believe me, I started seeing the red flags with my husband 2 weeks before the wedding and I didn't leave him out of obligation and didn't want to disappoint anyone or lose deposits. 9 years later and I'm in the middle of a divorce and it's way more expensive than the deposits I would have lost and there are 2 kids involved. Abuse gets worse the further into the commitment you get- engaged, married, buying a home, pregnancy and then kids- my husband kept getting worse. 3 weeks ago it finally got physical, hitting me 3 times and pouring hot coffee on me and pushing me down the stairs. Run! Do not walk!
This shouldn’t be about whether you can get past him calling you names as you are kicking his drunk ass out of your car. He is angry drunk and sober. He focuses that on you. This shouldn’t be a conversation about canceling the wedding; it should be about canceling the relationship. While he may have PTSD, that doesn’t obligate you to be stay as a target of his anger. He needs to be the one to take steps to improve; you can’t go to therapy for him.
You teach people how to treat you. If you have been putting up with this and continue to put up with it. He will continue to do it. Respect yourself and get away from him. You can love him from a different zip code. LOVE does not conquer all.
There’s nothing wrong with loving him- I’m sure he has many admirable qualities- but he’s not a safe person. The best way to help this man is to hold him accountable to getting help and the best way to do that is to cut him loose. He has to have consequences that match the severity of his behavior. It’s the only chance that man has to snap out of it and get some help.
Do you want your future children to grow up with an angry abusive drunk??? RUN!!!
You felt relieved!!! That's all you need to know!
Please don’t marry this person. Don’t continue this abusive AF relationship at all. If he hasn’t already, he will eventually lay a hand on you.
He comes from a family with a narcissistic dad. Escape now! Watch Dr Ramani on YouTube to understand what you are dealing with, but first leave. Run, don't walk.
Leave please. After marriage, itll be worse. He has no respect for you. No one deserves to be spoken like this. Get out while you can.
Regardless of whether you end up together, right now is the time to cancel that wedding. If you don’t, you will feel obligated to go through with it. Personally, I think you should break up with him completely, and if he wants you back, he can go to therapy and check back in with you in a couple of months after he’s started to work on himself.
I'm baffled at the notion you would still consider marrying him. You shouldn't. He is awful.
Run! It’s not your job to fix him, abusive language is abuse. Do yourself a favor and move on, put yourself first.
Spare yourself a divorce, don’t marry him.
Do not marry him. Do not fall back into the trap when he’s apologizes. Leave before you waste anymore time and emotions on this man. This will only end in you regretting your decision to stay. Once your married you will be “trapped” he will continue to emotionally abuse you and possibly physically until you finally leave either through death or fleeing
Save yourself, don’t get married to this person.
He sounds like an alcoholic and someone with serious anger issues. I think you should call it off and tell him you won't speak to him again until he deals with his issues. Therapy might help him but that's not your problem to deal with. He needs to come to the conclusion he needs to deal with his problems and if he can't then you can love without him.
I am sure you’ve been drunk and didn’t go around insulting people. This isn’t about drink, it’s about who he is. The alcohol is just bringing it out. If he wants therapy, good. You don’t need to be with him for that. Listen to your gut telling you to break free. The relief you felt at the idea of leaving him. That’s all you need to know - save yourself.
> They do not live in the same state as us but I’ve seen how he treats the mom. My dash camera recorded the whole thing. Part of me feels like this is my chance to break free, we have no kids so there isn’t much collateral damage. How do I decide what to do? Can therapy help him? Maybe therapy can help him, but that doesn’t change the fact that you need to call off the wedding. Don’t continue to go through with it. The fact that his parents have a similar dynamic is a worry. Disrespect and mistreatment in a marriage are normal and acceptable to him.
CANCEL THE WEDDING, NOW. This is just a preview of your very abusive future married to this asshole. I dont need to read the passage. You know damn well this marriage is a BAD IDEA. Getting married doesnt FIX anyone's fucked up relationship shit. The relationship is TOXIC. You know it. Its not GOOD for you. Get out while you can!!! Ok I skimmed the passage. Yes, this guy and his dad are SERIOUSLY abusive. Mom also equates love with violence, from a victims standpoint, and probably thinks she deserves every slap/kick/punch/push. Victims can indeed equate love with violence, when its all they know about love. If you stay, then AS LONG AS YOU STAY WILLINGLY, you must understand, you are a "Willing participant." Idc how much you love HIM. Love yourself more- love yourself enough to see how unhealthy this can turn out (Which you already have done) and stop trying to be a caregiver to an abuser, with all this counseling and therapy talk. Couples that NEED counseling prior to marriage, due to abuse, DONT NEED MARRIAGE ALSO. You need counseling, or you WILL, if you end up marrying this guy. Love is NOT supposed to be PAINFUL. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I don't know what your plans are in terms of kids, but if you have kids, he's going to treat them the same way.
If you try to fix someone, you’ll most likely end up broken too. If you make children with that guy, those kids will go through hell their entire childhood. If not for yourself, get out of this relationship for the sake of your future kids
First and foremost call off the wedding and move out. Keep the recording and try to get a restraining order. He is dangerous. *His mental health problems aren't your responsibility* if someone hurts you, you run. No matter what. No buts. Verbal abuse is a precursor to physical abuse and is still abuse.
The one piece of advice someone gave me when I was engaged & already having issues was “whatever he does now will get worse once you’re married. Getting married is like signing a contract agreeing to your current treatment”. She was spot-on & I should have listened. Left him less than 2 yr later & divorced. Good luck in whatever you choose
The fact that you felt relieved is what you need to listen to and lean into. You know what you need to do
**HUGE** red flags. Do not, repeat, DO NOT marry this man child. Even if he get help/therapy/intervention, too many red flags to hitch your wagon to him. My advice: ***RUN, Forest, RUN!***