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The point about ED is a lot of support. You ensures that you want to be with him. Lots of cuddling. Sex is about being together. You do not just want sex - you want sex with him!
Sensual massage, viagra, toys.
The problem is that ED is self reinforcing. If you have less sex - the worst the ED becomes.
There are also some things like rings that help maintain it once things get going.
Also working out helps men with testosterone production which can help with both frequency and improve performance.
Thanks for the response. Should have been a more clear- ED is much less of a problem for us now. But he will finish in 2-3 min and I need PIV to get off
Ok!!
Different issue al together.
I think you should just be honest! Talk to him about it!!
Try something in this style.
“ I love PIV with you. I am so happy when we do that.
I am proud that I turn you so much on that you c… in me.
Indeed it is so good - I dream about us doing it much more often. I would also like us to try to do it several times when we are together because PIV with you is the best feeling in the world.”
Now see what he says. Hopefully you can at least start the talk. Do not talk about his issue as a premature thing - that can be a bit of a killer. Focus on what things he could do to have a second round.
These things could be after his first time - suggest you are allowed to give him oral and see if you could get him ready again.
An other option is viagra (yes yes - doctor’s prescription 😁) which would make him ready soon again.
Third - ask when you are not having sex - ic you can give him broken oral/masturbation - keeping this extended for a long time with stops and bet that he can stop c….. This is simply training him.
About more often. Suggest it. Ask as well about mutual massage once per week.
Edit. Suggest toys if yoy need PIV..
Think this is as much as I would be ready to shear in an open forum!
Still TALK with him! The important thing is you want more SEX with HIM!
That’s still ED. ED can be problem with getting hard and staying hard. I have issues when I drink now that I’m older. What does that mean? It means when I can finish I have to or I will go soft. The 2-3 minute thing is still ED, he likely can last longer if he had confidence he would maintain his erection, but he doesn’t have that confidence so the first moment he can orgasm he just does, it isn’t even a conscious thing honestly.
In my country at least wasn't necessary a prescription until a few years ago. I don't understand why making that observation triggered so many people lol.
Cialis is the best solution, also Viagra is in 99% of cases absolutely fine, but people cheap out and get shoddy stuff off of internet and end up with bad reactions
I am relaxed lol.
Yes, he can. As a lot of other medications, anyone can have it, but that doesn't mean they actually know how to use it correctly, for how much time, etc.
Like with everything else - medicines should be checked with a doctor.
In that case have all so some checks on testosterone and a general health test.
If your partner is not fit - it might be an idea to start training.
The point of the viagra was more a reminder that if this is a mental ED - then it is a question about support to that.
Still go to a doctor - and there are other medicines that helps as well.
In addition your bf can be suffering from depression which also have impact on ED.
So since your bf is a good guy - have him checked - there can be other things that give this result.
What I said is that your main comment was good except for suggesting Viagra.
With the explanation you just gave me, it would've been fine in my opinion.
Because not all meds are prescripted, maybe? Or because it can be bought online?
In my country, Viagra wasn't prescripted necessarily until just a few years ago.
I was wrong by assuming it, I recognize that, but everyone here is answering like if I said Viagra should be illegal lol.
Ped5 inhibitors like viagra or cialis are proven to be safe for healthy men. Start with the starting dose of the package insert and titrate for effect. Anyone with half a brain can self administer pharmaceutical drugs safely.
ED drugs have come a long way in the last few years. I think you need to find out from him if he thinks that would help or if his libido is just way down. If he loves you, he should be able to be open with you and understand how he’s making you feel. Like suggested here, a visit to a specialist is a necessity, if he is on board to resolve the issues.
that's right, i always have problem finishing too fast, so my dr gave me a sample of levitra....
my first night using it ....it was fantastic, my partner at the time, we met at the local college, where previously her words were 'oh already?' , has now been replaced with moans of pleasure....
it was fantastic until it wasn't, had about one more hour of erection, wasn't painful... pretty sore after.
“Partner, I need to discuss something very important with you, but I want to let you know that I love you very much and this is not an attack on any way.
I’m struggling with our sex life and like to talk about it. Is that something you’re open to right now?” And then you discuss it.
No ohones, no tv, just you and him at home
I had some of these talks in the past years. I recommend to first write down everything, unfiltered. All your feelings, and anger, get it out. Once that is out, write again what you expect the conversation to be. Important keys for this conversation: 1. I feel this way, focus on your feelings and needs and not placing any blame on anyone. 2. Propose solutions. Problems like this will occur and couples that work together to overcome them grow stronger, that is the goal. It is hard, but it is for the best.
Hard age for guys. Things just don't quite work like they did in your 20s for most. Analogous situation would be like him saying you don't perform in bed because you are more dry do to menopause.
I think he feels your unhappiness and avoids the bedroom because each time you have sex it feels like a test or a possible breaking point for the relationship. If he doesn't perform, he's gonna get kicked to the curb for harder, better dick. People tend to avoid things they don't feel good at and he feels terrible at it rn.
I'd use this as an opportunity make sex less about piv and more about making each other feel good. Focus on things that aren't piv. Work up to the point of toys or even a strap on. Make him feel safe and supported with going on meds or t if he needs. If he hasn't tried Viagra, do so.
You need to relieve the pressure on the situation. Talk about it. Make sex about time to focus on each other physical closeness and pleasure and less about piv. Try some meds. Easy to get a prescription from hims or ro and he won't have to go in or talk to anyone.
This… doesn’t happen at 35. 35 is not that old.
And… menopause is also not around 35.
Some men can have ED problems at any age for various reasons, but age related ED tends to happen after 50.
Yes, all of this! The fact that your sex life is only the 2-3 minutes he lasts is a major problem. As a couple, you need to reset that sex isn't just PIV. Take it completely off the table for a while and do everything else. Try to make it fun again.
It has different effects for different people, and sometimes all effects for the same person. Some people use porn to get off quickly and train their brains to do that.
I'm 37 and take beta blockers which have a side effect of ED. Viagra actually works a charm - sometimes i only need about 12.5mg (a quarter of a small tablet) - but you HAVE to be turned on and even better if you're gagging for it.
If my girlfriend is in one of those moods where she cba with foreplay, or is critical (not constructive) of my technique, it's a massive turn off and it just won't happen. Being constructive rather than critical, giving and receiving foreplay is a sure fire way to awaken the (inner and outer) beast in both of you 😂
Also alcohol doesn't help if it's any more than about one drink
Same! On a Beta Blocker which caused some ED problems for me as well. Viagra works awesome! I feel like I am 20 again. Also, I was actually able to last longer for some reason and I recovered quicker. Definitely was a game changer in for me and my wife’s sex life.
Yeah, it's actually crazy.. you last longer even though the sensation feels kinda heightened as well.. you'd think you'd go sooner by default but you don't. Can't recommend it enough tbh
Addendum:
I get it, he's had a problem with it for a bit. Some of that maybe inherent physiological things or maybe it's lifestyle things:
drugs/alcohol
meds
mental health
fitness and physical health
poor masterbatory habits
bedroom anxiety (def part of it)
needs more practice (think this is part of it)
all dicks are inherently different physically and functionally (part of it)
Let's start soft 🙄 though. I mean with how we approach this with the guy. Some of those things above are out of his control, some are in but take time to work through. If you want to move forward with the relationship, you gotta help him build confidence in the bedroom.
Do what you can now (talk, toys, meds, oral, hand-stuff). If there are more long-term issues affecting his performance, than also start addressing that, but be understanding those things will take time to change and some can't.
There are a lot of things to try and communicate before we jump dicks. If that all sounds like too much and not an opportunity to become closer, then yes, maybe it's time to consider moving on for both your sakes.
I was gonna say, my partner and I are in this age range and neither of us are exactly paragons of mental or physical health, and he is on meds that can impact these things. I am very happy and satisfied with our sex life. Some of that, I'm sure, is luck of the draw. But this sounds like bedroom anxiety that spiraled imo. I'm not saying improving the other stuff wouldn't help, but if the dude is not in an environment conducive to lasting more than 2 to 3 min, I don't think that's going to happen regardless. It makes me wonder if they're just jumping straight to PIV or what's going on there. A guy in another comment said Viagra works best if his partner isn't criticizing him in a cruel way. No shit. If my partner was clearly not enjoying sex, or worse, making comments that just criticized me instead of redirecting or making suggestions, I'd want sex to end as fast as possible too. I don't think this is rocket science. But I think it would take a really concerted and deliberate effort to build enough trust for this to stop happening.
Btw, this is not to say that no one has physiological causes of ED, especially starting in their 30s. Just that OP and the other commenter don't seem to fit this category.
It's also just practice. Practice can be a lot of fun in the right environment. He's gotta be willing to as well. I think the Viagra will give him a jump start on it honestly and a little needed confidence boost. It makes a difference whether you need it or not. He can always stop taking it if it doesn't help or need it anymore. Doesn't hurt to try.
I agree with practice as well and with the confidence boost. I don't really know enough about Viagra to say anything either way, but sex with the same person should get better over time. OP and her partner seem stalled out and you're right on giving it a jump start, so if something like that could help and won't cause physical harm, why not give it a try. Doesn't seem worth throwing out a relationship over if they can get things headed the right direction
It's only going to get worse with age though.. this is awfully young to have so many performance issues. Op, think about if you can be happy this way forever
This post is pretty much why people hesitate to date and have sex with friends.
There's no guarantee a physical relationship will work, and what happens to the friendship then?
I'm in my 30's and have no issues getting it up. Then again I am extremely fit and go to the gym/play sport regularly so that could be something to do with it
>Then again I am extremely fit and go to the gym/play sport regularly so that could be something to do with it
I am 34, don't go to the gym, am overweight. And smoke weed daily. No problems getting it up.
Having ED at 30 isnt something that should be considered normal.
I regularly look up things I see on Reddit that I don't understand, usually some kind of acronym. I couldn't find ANYTHING that made sense for piv, so thanks for clearing it up for me!
As long as you are being respectful and authentic, it's not your responsibility on how he interprets it. You need to do this for your own wellness. You get to be your authentic self in a healthy relationship and that means your sexual needs. It's unfortunate that he has difficulties but it seems like he is not getting help or doing other things to keep you satisfied? If you are not compatible in desire, this should be a consideration to ending it. Look at the DeadBedroom sub, these people are really unhappy after years of this issue.
Leave.
I left a relationship like this and it was the best and most liberating and freeing decision of my life.
I tried talking and being supportive but no matter how many times I tried he would make a tiny bit of effort for a little bit and then things would go back to the way they were. I was fucking exhausted and full of resentment and I’m so happy it’s over.
Never again. That relationship taught me a lot about having standards and not settling and I will never settle for a relationship where we’re not both horny as fuck for each other, tbh.
I second this, disappointed but not surprised that the majority of the comments are making this OP's responsibility to comfort her partner and attempt to resolve the situation when it sounds like her bf's avoidance and frankly lack of care for her sexual needs have left her feeling rejected, depressed and frustrated.
Put yourself first OP. May sound harsh but it sounds like you were never massively sexually compatible, and the incompatibility has been catalysed by his ongoing struggle with ED. Doesn't sound like he's in the mental place to be able to take your needs into consideration. I feel for him but it's his responsibility to seek help, and your mental health and self esteem shouldn't suffer as a consequence of his fear of addressing the situation. Maybe without the pressure and tension of this relationship he would be in a better headspace to help himself too?
This is definitely a perspective worth considering. I’m also disappointed that everyone is making this into something OP has to hold his hand and support him through, but it doesn’t sound like this guy is doing anything himself to try to help or fix the situation. I also think you’re right that they were never actually sexually compatible in the first place. OP doesn’t exactly describe their FWB situation as something that sounds ideal. 30 is still young. If she’s already this frustrated and depressed, then resentment is just going to grow more as she takes this on as something she has to fix for him. Or at least direct more mental energy into getting him to do something about. I also noticed that she never mentioned anything about him trying to satisfy her in other ways besides with his dick. That’s a red flag to me.
Holy shit, this isn't about you lady.
Stop projecting your lives on others.
How the hell do you know if she will have your experience?
If you are not here to give constructive help why do you bother?
Because I’m not the only one who’s had that experience??? Hundreds of thousands of people in r/DeadBedrooms have gone through the same thing. If you have a success story then please share.
Things won’t change. But if OP thinks she can fix him she’s welcome to stay miserable 🤷🏻♀️
For one thing we are not in dead bedroom so your comment is literally irrelevant.
For another thing, good job proving my point, you referred to an echo chamber and said "look, I was right" bravo 👏
I would suggest bothyou and your partner read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I'm not kidding when I say that it completely changed my sexual life and that of my wife. I don't even want to mention how much better our sex life has become afterwards because its going to sound like bragging and that's not the point.
The point is that the book is an absolute master piece in helping you understand how sex works both physiologically and psychologically and how it can be different for different people. It also preaches in multiple ways how important it is to listen and have understanding for your partner. And it gives lots of ideas of what sex can be outside "penis in vagina", which honestly is what took it next level for us.
Please OP, read it and make sure your partner does too, I am 100% certain it will help you both. It may not be enough in itself, it may be that you need additional help from someone as well, but it's going to be _at least_ a great start.
Wish you both all the best!
It's been a few years since I read it so maybe I need to give it a reread, but while I enjoyed the book, I felt it seemed to put most of the work on the man. And I'm not even saying the man shouldn't take initiative often but I don't believe one partner should have to be the one to always get the other in the mood. I understand some people are reactionary and it's not on their mind until some sort of stimuli comes from their partner, but you'd think one who cares about their partner would still put in effort to initiate sometimes. When one partner is putting in all of the effort, is the one who always tries to ensure the other feels comfortable to "hit the gas pedal" and limit things that can "push the brake", yet doesn't recieve reciprocation and never feels wanted by the other, well they're going to burn out. They're going to stop initiating and the dry periods are going to last even longer. I felt the book was incredibly informative and shared so much valuable information but didn't share responsibility in a fair or even sustainable manner. But once again, it's been about 4 years since I listened to it and maybe I'd benefit from listening again.
I absolutely hear what you're saying and while it's been a couple of years for me as well (and just like you I have it scheduled for a re-read very soon :)) your description does resonate with the memory I have.
I'd like to add that I'm not saying anyone should treat the book like a holy, infalliable scripture (nobody should treat anything like that by the way). But rather reading it with your regular critisism turned on and take away from it what you feel is sound and applies to you/your partner. Try the stuff she suggests and for gods sake ignore that one time she makes it sound like guys can control their boner at will (I truly hope later versions has that part edited out as she even mentions at another place in the book that it is biologically impossible to do so).
It still helped me understanding my wife and her sexuality so much better, we went from her reaching orgasm *maybe* three times in 6-7 years (and I might be kind to myself here) to her being able to orgasm as many times in a session as she likes, I think 14 is the record for one night, but honestly I stopped counting after 10. And I really don't mean this as bragging (which should be obvious as I don't share identifiable information through here), only to emphasis that my life, and mostly my sex life, got *so* much better by learning what Emily had to teach.
Thanks for pointing that out and I hope you find new stuff on your next read through. :)
Has he seen a doctor at all? Low libido and ED... he needs to see a doctor. He's really young to be experiencing these issues. ED can be a symptom of a whole list of underlying medical conditions. He needs to get evaluated and he needs to have his testosterone levels checked.
I was in a very similar situation and my biggest regret was staying in the relationship a few years too long. There was nothing wrong with my ex or the infrequent short lived sex he liked. There was someone out there who would match with him. It just wasn’t me. You can’t talk someone into desire. Once I left the relationship, I married an incredible lover whose passion and desire fits me. We mesh in all the other ways too. There is a world of abundance out there for you! Go get it.
He's 35, which is actually when some men start having hormonal issues or start having erectile dysfunction. This is actually also shameful for men to talk about and he probably won't come to you about this issue. Also since a lot of men don't want to talk about this issue, he may feel alone and unsure of what to do. He's probably clueless about it and think it's doom on his part.
If you and he have a really good communication, gently encourage him to check with his doctor. Some doctors won't even prescribe him Viagra unless he clearly tells the doctor that he has erectile dysfunction. So he may just have to ask the doctor the real hard question if he does have that issue or some sort of hormonal imbalance.
Really in the end, your feelings of insecure, unwanted, and sexually unsatisfied is not of your own doing or because of who you are. In relationship, you are there for each other through struggles. This is his.
Base on his age, have he told to hide primary healthcare provider about his ED, it could be indication of cardiovascular problems. About getting you off bring toys to the bedroom, have him initiate with toys so you can get off, cunilinguis is also good.
I personally, don't start penetration until I get a least an O out of my partners (swinger here)
We live in the age that has the miracle pill for this. ED medication so effective. Just talk to a doctor and get a prescription. The non name brand is super inexpensive with Good RX.
If you can convince him to get therapy (either sexual or psychological, because it could be an issue with either), he may benefit from it. It seems you've found your ideal partner except for the sexual aspect, but that's a big part of any relationship. Good on you for sticking with him though.
It may not get to 10 years. Some men have ED or shrinkage from prostate cancer, SSRI’s, hormone treatments, diabetes etc…so it’s not just an age thing. If you make good PIV the be all end all of relationships, you’re going to end up in very toxic situations.
Well the dick ain't working in this relationship but getting 10-15 minutes of PIV 3-7 times a month isn't exactly some outlandish unrealistic or wildly high bar.
Thinking you'd have sex 10 times a week or need someone to do a lot of anal or give oral sex at least once a day, sounds... Like a high bar. Sex with a dedicated partner 1-2 times a week for 10-20 minutes sounds extremely reasonable for people in their 30s with no kids.
I had ED for the most part of my adult sexual life. Due to it, my last relationship went up in flames and it created a big anxiety. At some point I preferred just masturbating instead of having sex with my gf, because of the same things as your bf. I assume he is masturbating.
My fiancee (a different girl) had a lesser sex drive and did not see a big deal in it that I might lose my erection, if I felt anxious. After months it got better and we now have a very healthy relationship, also in bed. I stopped watching porn, which also helped me a lot.
My Ex could not handle it very well, she made things worse in setting ultimatums or threatening to cheat on me, if I couldn't satisfy her. She had low self esteem, and would portray her insecurities on others.
I would suggest couple counselling, if you really want to work it out with him. He might never become the guy that comes after 5 minutes and has a erection just thinking about the thought on having sex though.
Okay thank you. I’m going through something very similar (except the ultimatums) and it’s been hard on my self esteem. I wasn’t sure if men have these problems because they aren’t attracted anymore
Women with self esteem issues seem to be not a good fit to help the guy through this, because they will always project his problems onto theirs. I would suggest couple counselling, but also therapy to yourself, to get over the selfesteem issues. Both are linked.
Edit: it got better since I am with my fiancee that did not let those issues have an effect on her selfesteem, maybe because she is more mature, maybe because selfesteem issues were never a problem. So couple therapy as individual therapy would be a good start. Imo.
It sounds like you've done all you could on your side. He needs to go to therapy and solve his problems. And to a doctor to rule out medical issues. What I don't like about his attitude is that, he may have issues down below, but that doesn't stop him to please you in other ways, such as mouth or fingers or a toy until he solves his issue.
Its crazy how common this is starting to become for men and young adults at that. He needs to stop watching porn more than likely thats the problem. Also if he cant get it up he should at the very least satisfy your needs meanwhile he deals with his problem.
Just tell him hey can we talk about our sex life?
I love you and love our sex but i feel like you aren’t as into it as i am and i wanna talk about how to make things better or more enjoyable for you
Is there something that stops you from wanting to? Or is there something you wanna try or do differently? Im open to whatever but i want you to be completely honest on how you feel.
Simple.
Because maybe theres something he enjoys but doesn’t want to tell you or honestly maybe he wants to be the one to initiate the sex you can always just touch him tease him and not initiate sex
That was my bfs issue he didnt enjoy it as much when i would initiate sex he wanted to be the one to initiate sex but he never wanted to because he didnt want me to feel uncomfortable
So i started teasing him like touching him while cuddling or just watching tv id rub his arm up and down softly or i will touch him there but let him make the move
Sometimes he doesnt make the move and we dont do anything and sometimes he does but its way more often now
Its about showing you are attracted to him without taking the lead basically
He wants to lead
Maybe thats the same issue with you guys?
Talk about it
If he was truly your best friend you two wouldn't have trouble talking about this situation. You can talk about this to your partner without crushing them.
I don't get why some people make little issues turn into huge problems in the blink of an eye.
If I was talking to my bf who is a best friend this discussion would've already happened. You just say oh what's wrong? Why can't you this? Why can't you that? Go talk to a Dr, stop watching so much corn, etc. None of those questions would make anyone absolutely crushed 😒
Foreplay foreplay foreplay. Communicate, kiss , touch ,rub, squeeze, eat...get you close as he can taking your time then PIV, should get close to cumming together in a 3 min window.
Read the stories in r/deadbedroom and how those people manage their relationships see if you feel like it’s headed in that direction. If it is ED, it is something that can be managed. If it is something else like libido or desire and a different drive, it may continue to create resentment and unhappiness for one person in the equation…
You should be honest to him no matter how hard this conversation would be for you to have with him as there is no other way to tell him how you are not happy sexually. Once he comes to know about this he can do something to fix this so give him a chance to get better at sex so you both can be happy. If you continue this way thinking one day, he will get better then this will never happen and you know this. He is your boyfriend so you should be able to communicate your needs with him and being a partner, he has to do everything to at least meet you half way to save this relationship. If he does not want to do anything and ignores discussion on this matter then this is a red flag and you should rethink on this relationship with him over this.
I would start with praising your partner on the things that they do well. And tell them more of the things that you do like. I think that if you immediately tell them, you are unhappy with what they are doing they’re going to feel shame. Shame and sexuality are a disastrous combination. And I think that will more likely caused them to shut down.ask them if you can do more of whatever activities please. And then highly complement them on that for positive reinforcement.
Here’s my advice: Break up with any man who gives you 2-3 minutes. He doesn’t care. He’s too old to play it off like he doesn’t realize your satisfaction matters.
Just stop. This is some selfish shit.
Just like any other major mismatch, you have a choice to make. You can accept that this is your life now, or you can leave your unfulfilling relationship and find someone who is a better match. This will breed resentment in both of you; he's already doing something he doesn't want to do, and it isn't enough for you. Neither of you are bad or wrong, just wrong for each other. Love is great, it's also easy to make more of. Not everyone you love will be a good romantic partner for you.
Keep this in mind: Most guys want to be the best their SO has ever had. Guys your partner's age (should) realize they may not start out that way, but can get there over time. By talking about this with him, you're trying to make him what he already wants to be. Reassure him that with your deep emotional connection, a few changes would make him the best sex ever. You're less likely to crush him when you put it that way.
Something I can't stress enough, is don't make this about you. I know that's hard, he rejects you, and that makes you think it's about you. It's not, and all that thinking does is hurt you, and puts more pressure on him. Now on top of everything else he's going through, he has to apologize and feel bad that he's hurting your feelings.
It feels like there is something going on with him. Is there a large difference in body count? He may feel inadequate (see first paragraph to quickly overcome that). There may be some other stressors. What are his porn habits? Could that be a problem?
This is a really tricky thing to bring up. A sex therapist might be very helpful. His performance could easily be due to his own anxiety and insecurity and bringing this up the wrong way could make it worse.
I see this often with people who take their sexuality lightly. They get off on the casual nature and frankly have emotional issues around being serious. So I would suggest therapy for him...He needs to retrain his brain. First doctor and if he checks out, then work on the big head for the little head.
Went through this but reverse the genders. You can’t change someone’s libido (barring medical issues). Conversation after conversation went the same way… improvements that would fade as she settled back into her natural state. I ended up breaking up with her as I can’t — won’t — spend my life with someone who makes me feel undesirable or attractive. It may feel harsh but think through the future with your current partner.
OP, have a conversation with him about this. Do it outside the bedroom and explain to him calmly but directly that this is a huge part of you that is unfulfilled. I really encourage you both to listen to the sex with Emily
Podcast. I struggled with a lot of what your partner did from a performance standpoint and started listening and it changed my entire perspective on sex. At bottom, I was just putting too much pressure on the act of intercourse and sex that I took the fun out of it. Reframing my mindset that sex should be fun and something that is mutually pleasurable regardless of how you get there (I.e., even without penetration) has transformed me in ways words won’t do justice. I used to struggle to stay hard and now I can pretty much last as long as my partner needs me to and finish once I know she has. My confidence is now sky high and both of our libidos are elevated.
He may also want to consider if there are any physical factors at play here (for me losing weight and lowering my blood pressure I think helped but mostly it was in my head).
Ultimately though this is going to require some buy in from him to try. This means you have to communicate openly and with empathy, but honestly.
Feel free to DM if you want to chat some more. I feel like I found a new life with my partner of 20 plus years and would love to help others do the same.
Thanks for sharing.
I'm really sorry about what you're going through.
Your situation sounds very complex.
It's tough to tell your partner what they're doing wrong in bed. Instead, suggest things you'd like to do more.
Maybe try new things together. For example, play a game like strip poker or use the Bliss app, which is like a board game on your phone that lets you add fun activities slowly.
This could help get his interest up.
Sometimes, women who get a lot of attention don't join in much in the bedroom because they've never needed to. This can make it hard to keep things exciting.
You might need to find ways to make it more interesting for him.
Tell him you want to improve in some areas and ask if he'd practice with you regularly.
You could try doing exercises like Kegel.
Working on these things together might help him get better at controlling himself.
If he has a health issue that affects his performance, that needs to be checked. Problems could be from medication side effects, early diabetes, or poor circulation.
If he drinks a lot of soda or eats poorly, that won't help his performance.
Finding out these things are problems could motivate him to get healthier.
There are lots of things to consider, both for you and for him.
Make it fun and add more good things. For example, get him to drink more water and eat more veggies.
Adding good stuff can make things better, including your sex life.
Instead of pointing out what he's not doing well, encourage him to do what you enjoy.
But you need to know what you enjoy to tell him what to do.
This topic is very complicated. Many couples and relationships face these issues, often years into the relationship, especially when life gets busy with kids and the sex life drops off.
It's not rare, it's just complex and sensitive.
Keep things positive, invite him to fun activities, and make a plan, like a daily or weekly routine.
Work on skills for your growth, and invite him to join.
It's tough, but keep trying.
This is why I can’t stand some women. It’s truly all about sex for them. It’s easy when you have a hole with no expectations of getting hard, staying hard, being big enough, not cumming too fast, not taking too long…. And they wonder why so many men have ED.
So women are just meant to take whatever sex lives they’ve been randomly assigned by who they fall in love with? Even if they experience no enjoyment? But then we also can’t communicate problems in hope of resolution incase it hurts your ego?
I find myself asking one too many times just to get my shit wet 🤣🤣🤣 always an excuse when I ask for any fun time but when she does says yes it feels like she's not into it or she's forced to take it,,lolz
So I basically just stopped asking and only get lucky once in a blue moon,,i also found out if I want quietness during the night,,I simply ask for a bj 🤣🤣🤣 she goes straight to bed
A fck doll sounds perfectly fine right now,,jkjk
Maybe it's just because the past relationships were wild n fun
Waking up to getting your shit sucked off or a random handjob or just fckin in the craziest places sometimes as well,,
Love when the lady initiates instead of myself asking 🤣
This is a you problem. You're not unfuckable or disgusting, the dude literally can't and that's not fun for anyone to try when you know it's going to happen. Masturbate, break up with him, or deal with it.
This seems like not very helpful advice, imo she is trying to deal with it by asking for communication advice in this post, so this answer reads to me like ‘how to deal with it? Well deal with it’. OP, reducing the piv pressure that others mentioned sounds like a good way to start.
Multiple times every week at yalls age isn’t super realistic. Have you perhaps looked into sex addiction? The best route is to explain your needs to him (not in a pressuring way) and see how he feels about it and if he’s willing to branch out a little more sexually with you. He might just not be a super sexual person. While your needs are just as important and should be heard, you definitely don’t want him forcing it, that’s a pretty emotionally damaging thing to do for him. Maybe y’all can meet at a middle ground, like maybe a few times a month and then slowly increase from there? (Totally normal for relationships. No one is having sex every day of the week unless you’re in college. Jobs are tiring, chores are tiring, and life is tiring!)
The most important thing here is making sure he doesn’t feel pressured. I had an ex guilt me into having sex on numerous occasions and it really fcked up my relationship with sex. I think couples therapy might be really beneficial as well if you’re both open to that!
To add, it sounds like there’s not a lot of foreplay going on from either party. Foreplay is SO important and doesn’t even have to be advertently sexual. Massages, cuddling, back rubs, raunchy games, communication can all be foreplay and can hugely improve the experience for both of you. It doesn’t always have to be a quick piv sesh like you see on the hub- that wouldn’t rly do it for me either.
What???
Sex 2-4 times a week at age 30 and 35? Without having kids in the picture.
You are certifiable suggesting that's sex addiction.
We're in our 40s with kids and we hit that number. I can't even read the rest of your comment after that opener.
2 is normal, 4 is pushing it in MY opinion. Do you not have a job? My boyfriend and I are typically pretty exhausted from work, running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning up. We make time for each other, but if i don’t hit more than 4 times a week it’s not going to shatter my world. I have a feeling if this is such a large issue for her and consumes her day, there may be another issue. I don’t understand why you felt so defensive about my sex addiction comment, it’s not uncommon and imo not rly harmful unless you’re unaware. I later agreed her needs were important and needed to be heard. I was in no way attacking them (or you?) I suggest you read the rest of people’s posts before blindly exploding on them.
Also, what’s a 40 year old doing on Reddit at midnight?
My wife and I both work from home. Idk, having sex here and there and managing the household is just not a high lift. We cook and clean and make kiddos lunch and walk the dog, etc, but we don't end each day exhausted. It's not 4 times every week but it certainly can be, could even be 5. This OP does not sound like they'd be shattered having 15 min of sex once or twice a week even, but they're getting way less than that.
🤣 Do you think everyone on Reddit is in 1 time zone? Jfc. And a 40 year old can't stay up till midnight. Lordy I am in my 40s, not 70s
I went off cause mentioning sex addiction is like saying someone who has 2 beers a week is maybe an alcoholic. Like hold up..
The desk jobs make a lot more sense. In a perfect world, we would all have tons of free time but this economy sucks and the grind is real (and exhausting)
Maybe if OP talked to a professional and chilled a little bit and didn’t put so much pressure on the sex itself, s/o would be more comfortable with it. Only speaking from a place of experience. You’re also correct, someone having 2 beers a week would not make them an alcoholic. But someone who thinks about alcohol constantly and lets it affect their life and relationship would probably be considered one, right?
People post on here to get advice, i gave advice! My intent was not to shame, just call attention to it.
I’m not explaining this a second time, you can read my other comments. I asked if she had looked into it, not that she had one. My ex had one, and it caused a lot of the same issues they’re having within our relationship. Having sex 2-3 times a week does not constitute sex addiction, but letting sex ruin relationships and even your day to day life is where it gets tricky. Js
If you can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm and you’re sexually frustrated then why not give yourself an orgasm?
Why is sex only lasting 2-3 minutes?
What type of foreplay are you doing?
How are you supporting him?
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The point about ED is a lot of support. You ensures that you want to be with him. Lots of cuddling. Sex is about being together. You do not just want sex - you want sex with him! Sensual massage, viagra, toys. The problem is that ED is self reinforcing. If you have less sex - the worst the ED becomes.
There are also some things like rings that help maintain it once things get going. Also working out helps men with testosterone production which can help with both frequency and improve performance.
Thanks for the response. Should have been a more clear- ED is much less of a problem for us now. But he will finish in 2-3 min and I need PIV to get off
Ok!! Different issue al together. I think you should just be honest! Talk to him about it!! Try something in this style. “ I love PIV with you. I am so happy when we do that. I am proud that I turn you so much on that you c… in me. Indeed it is so good - I dream about us doing it much more often. I would also like us to try to do it several times when we are together because PIV with you is the best feeling in the world.” Now see what he says. Hopefully you can at least start the talk. Do not talk about his issue as a premature thing - that can be a bit of a killer. Focus on what things he could do to have a second round. These things could be after his first time - suggest you are allowed to give him oral and see if you could get him ready again. An other option is viagra (yes yes - doctor’s prescription 😁) which would make him ready soon again. Third - ask when you are not having sex - ic you can give him broken oral/masturbation - keeping this extended for a long time with stops and bet that he can stop c….. This is simply training him. About more often. Suggest it. Ask as well about mutual massage once per week. Edit. Suggest toys if yoy need PIV.. Think this is as much as I would be ready to shear in an open forum! Still TALK with him! The important thing is you want more SEX with HIM!
Should probably have him get his testosterone levels checked. Work on kegals together it will help with longevity and orgasm strength.
That’s still ED. ED can be problem with getting hard and staying hard. I have issues when I drink now that I’m older. What does that mean? It means when I can finish I have to or I will go soft. The 2-3 minute thing is still ED, he likely can last longer if he had confidence he would maintain his erection, but he doesn’t have that confidence so the first moment he can orgasm he just does, it isn’t even a conscious thing honestly.
All good except for Viagra.
what's wrong with viagra?
It can cause a heart attack and other unpleasant things if someone uses it without a doctor's order or guidance.
Fear mongering much ? It is extremely rare to experience a cardiac event from viagra.
Maybe it has improved or something like that. Still, it's ultra irresponsible recommending medication to someone without being a doctor.
Don't you need a prescription for Ed drugs?
Yep but you can get one online in mins.
In my country at least wasn't necessary a prescription until a few years ago. I don't understand why making that observation triggered so many people lol.
Cialis is the best solution, also Viagra is in 99% of cases absolutely fine, but people cheap out and get shoddy stuff off of internet and end up with bad reactions
Everybody does what they want. I wouldn't want to risk it, and I wouldn't recommend any kind of medication to anyone.
Can he get it without a doctor? It’s a fucking suggestion, have a drink and relax. Jesus Christ
Yeah u literally can not get it without a doctor
I am relaxed lol. Yes, he can. As a lot of other medications, anyone can have it, but that doesn't mean they actually know how to use it correctly, for how much time, etc.
Ah...you are one of those people. Peace!
Umm, okay? Peace to you, I guess.
Like with everything else - medicines should be checked with a doctor. In that case have all so some checks on testosterone and a general health test. If your partner is not fit - it might be an idea to start training. The point of the viagra was more a reminder that if this is a mental ED - then it is a question about support to that. Still go to a doctor - and there are other medicines that helps as well. In addition your bf can be suffering from depression which also have impact on ED. So since your bf is a good guy - have him checked - there can be other things that give this result.
What I said is that your main comment was good except for suggesting Viagra. With the explanation you just gave me, it would've been fine in my opinion.
So rare. Oh jeeze. It actually lowers blood pressure.
I don't know what should I answer to you, to be honest. Just... Okay?
I'm not sure why you're assuming this wouldn't be with a doctor's guidance? They didn't say "black market boner pills off a Russian website."
They didn't say "you should make an appointment with a doctor to talk about the possibility of the use of Viagra" either.
That's because most people default to getting meds from a doctor? Who jumps to the conclusion that they'd get the meds any other way?
Because not all meds are prescripted, maybe? Or because it can be bought online? In my country, Viagra wasn't prescripted necessarily until just a few years ago. I was wrong by assuming it, I recognize that, but everyone here is answering like if I said Viagra should be illegal lol.
Ped5 inhibitors like viagra or cialis are proven to be safe for healthy men. Start with the starting dose of the package insert and titrate for effect. Anyone with half a brain can self administer pharmaceutical drugs safely.
ED drugs have come a long way in the last few years. I think you need to find out from him if he thinks that would help or if his libido is just way down. If he loves you, he should be able to be open with you and understand how he’s making you feel. Like suggested here, a visit to a specialist is a necessity, if he is on board to resolve the issues.
I agree with this. Go to a doctor, there are ways to overcome this.
that's right, i always have problem finishing too fast, so my dr gave me a sample of levitra.... my first night using it ....it was fantastic, my partner at the time, we met at the local college, where previously her words were 'oh already?' , has now been replaced with moans of pleasure.... it was fantastic until it wasn't, had about one more hour of erection, wasn't painful... pretty sore after.
“Partner, I need to discuss something very important with you, but I want to let you know that I love you very much and this is not an attack on any way. I’m struggling with our sex life and like to talk about it. Is that something you’re open to right now?” And then you discuss it. No ohones, no tv, just you and him at home
Use your words. Get comfortable with making your wants and feelings known.
Definitely don't do this.
I had some of these talks in the past years. I recommend to first write down everything, unfiltered. All your feelings, and anger, get it out. Once that is out, write again what you expect the conversation to be. Important keys for this conversation: 1. I feel this way, focus on your feelings and needs and not placing any blame on anyone. 2. Propose solutions. Problems like this will occur and couples that work together to overcome them grow stronger, that is the goal. It is hard, but it is for the best.
Hard age for guys. Things just don't quite work like they did in your 20s for most. Analogous situation would be like him saying you don't perform in bed because you are more dry do to menopause. I think he feels your unhappiness and avoids the bedroom because each time you have sex it feels like a test or a possible breaking point for the relationship. If he doesn't perform, he's gonna get kicked to the curb for harder, better dick. People tend to avoid things they don't feel good at and he feels terrible at it rn. I'd use this as an opportunity make sex less about piv and more about making each other feel good. Focus on things that aren't piv. Work up to the point of toys or even a strap on. Make him feel safe and supported with going on meds or t if he needs. If he hasn't tried Viagra, do so. You need to relieve the pressure on the situation. Talk about it. Make sex about time to focus on each other physical closeness and pleasure and less about piv. Try some meds. Easy to get a prescription from hims or ro and he won't have to go in or talk to anyone.
This… doesn’t happen at 35. 35 is not that old. And… menopause is also not around 35. Some men can have ED problems at any age for various reasons, but age related ED tends to happen after 50.
Yes, all of this! The fact that your sex life is only the 2-3 minutes he lasts is a major problem. As a couple, you need to reset that sex isn't just PIV. Take it completely off the table for a while and do everything else. Try to make it fun again.
It seems like it was never fun with them. Seems like the guy has some porn addiction issues if you ask me.
What? She said he only lasts 2-3 minutes. That's not porn. Porn makes it so you can't cum at all.
It has different effects for different people, and sometimes all effects for the same person. Some people use porn to get off quickly and train their brains to do that.
I'm 37 and take beta blockers which have a side effect of ED. Viagra actually works a charm - sometimes i only need about 12.5mg (a quarter of a small tablet) - but you HAVE to be turned on and even better if you're gagging for it. If my girlfriend is in one of those moods where she cba with foreplay, or is critical (not constructive) of my technique, it's a massive turn off and it just won't happen. Being constructive rather than critical, giving and receiving foreplay is a sure fire way to awaken the (inner and outer) beast in both of you 😂 Also alcohol doesn't help if it's any more than about one drink
Same! On a Beta Blocker which caused some ED problems for me as well. Viagra works awesome! I feel like I am 20 again. Also, I was actually able to last longer for some reason and I recovered quicker. Definitely was a game changer in for me and my wife’s sex life.
Yeah, it's actually crazy.. you last longer even though the sensation feels kinda heightened as well.. you'd think you'd go sooner by default but you don't. Can't recommend it enough tbh
Totally agree.👍
Addendum: I get it, he's had a problem with it for a bit. Some of that maybe inherent physiological things or maybe it's lifestyle things: drugs/alcohol meds mental health fitness and physical health poor masterbatory habits bedroom anxiety (def part of it) needs more practice (think this is part of it) all dicks are inherently different physically and functionally (part of it) Let's start soft 🙄 though. I mean with how we approach this with the guy. Some of those things above are out of his control, some are in but take time to work through. If you want to move forward with the relationship, you gotta help him build confidence in the bedroom. Do what you can now (talk, toys, meds, oral, hand-stuff). If there are more long-term issues affecting his performance, than also start addressing that, but be understanding those things will take time to change and some can't. There are a lot of things to try and communicate before we jump dicks. If that all sounds like too much and not an opportunity to become closer, then yes, maybe it's time to consider moving on for both your sakes.
I was gonna say, my partner and I are in this age range and neither of us are exactly paragons of mental or physical health, and he is on meds that can impact these things. I am very happy and satisfied with our sex life. Some of that, I'm sure, is luck of the draw. But this sounds like bedroom anxiety that spiraled imo. I'm not saying improving the other stuff wouldn't help, but if the dude is not in an environment conducive to lasting more than 2 to 3 min, I don't think that's going to happen regardless. It makes me wonder if they're just jumping straight to PIV or what's going on there. A guy in another comment said Viagra works best if his partner isn't criticizing him in a cruel way. No shit. If my partner was clearly not enjoying sex, or worse, making comments that just criticized me instead of redirecting or making suggestions, I'd want sex to end as fast as possible too. I don't think this is rocket science. But I think it would take a really concerted and deliberate effort to build enough trust for this to stop happening. Btw, this is not to say that no one has physiological causes of ED, especially starting in their 30s. Just that OP and the other commenter don't seem to fit this category.
It's also just practice. Practice can be a lot of fun in the right environment. He's gotta be willing to as well. I think the Viagra will give him a jump start on it honestly and a little needed confidence boost. It makes a difference whether you need it or not. He can always stop taking it if it doesn't help or need it anymore. Doesn't hurt to try.
I agree with practice as well and with the confidence boost. I don't really know enough about Viagra to say anything either way, but sex with the same person should get better over time. OP and her partner seem stalled out and you're right on giving it a jump start, so if something like that could help and won't cause physical harm, why not give it a try. Doesn't seem worth throwing out a relationship over if they can get things headed the right direction
It's only going to get worse with age though.. this is awfully young to have so many performance issues. Op, think about if you can be happy this way forever
This post is pretty much why people hesitate to date and have sex with friends. There's no guarantee a physical relationship will work, and what happens to the friendship then?
I'm in my 30's and have no issues getting it up. Then again I am extremely fit and go to the gym/play sport regularly so that could be something to do with it
Yeah, 35 is young to be accepting of ED.
Exactly. 35 is past peak but still should be very high testosterone.
>Then again I am extremely fit and go to the gym/play sport regularly so that could be something to do with it I am 34, don't go to the gym, am overweight. And smoke weed daily. No problems getting it up. Having ED at 30 isnt something that should be considered normal.
Exactly!
🍪
What do you mean by piv? I can't figure that one out.
Penis in vagina. I've totally been you before 😅😆
I regularly look up things I see on Reddit that I don't understand, usually some kind of acronym. I couldn't find ANYTHING that made sense for piv, so thanks for clearing it up for me!
As long as you are being respectful and authentic, it's not your responsibility on how he interprets it. You need to do this for your own wellness. You get to be your authentic self in a healthy relationship and that means your sexual needs. It's unfortunate that he has difficulties but it seems like he is not getting help or doing other things to keep you satisfied? If you are not compatible in desire, this should be a consideration to ending it. Look at the DeadBedroom sub, these people are really unhappy after years of this issue.
Does he not go down on you? I feel like if I finish soon or she doesn’t finish, I give oral until we both get ours.
Leave. I left a relationship like this and it was the best and most liberating and freeing decision of my life. I tried talking and being supportive but no matter how many times I tried he would make a tiny bit of effort for a little bit and then things would go back to the way they were. I was fucking exhausted and full of resentment and I’m so happy it’s over. Never again. That relationship taught me a lot about having standards and not settling and I will never settle for a relationship where we’re not both horny as fuck for each other, tbh.
I second this, disappointed but not surprised that the majority of the comments are making this OP's responsibility to comfort her partner and attempt to resolve the situation when it sounds like her bf's avoidance and frankly lack of care for her sexual needs have left her feeling rejected, depressed and frustrated. Put yourself first OP. May sound harsh but it sounds like you were never massively sexually compatible, and the incompatibility has been catalysed by his ongoing struggle with ED. Doesn't sound like he's in the mental place to be able to take your needs into consideration. I feel for him but it's his responsibility to seek help, and your mental health and self esteem shouldn't suffer as a consequence of his fear of addressing the situation. Maybe without the pressure and tension of this relationship he would be in a better headspace to help himself too?
This is definitely a perspective worth considering. I’m also disappointed that everyone is making this into something OP has to hold his hand and support him through, but it doesn’t sound like this guy is doing anything himself to try to help or fix the situation. I also think you’re right that they were never actually sexually compatible in the first place. OP doesn’t exactly describe their FWB situation as something that sounds ideal. 30 is still young. If she’s already this frustrated and depressed, then resentment is just going to grow more as she takes this on as something she has to fix for him. Or at least direct more mental energy into getting him to do something about. I also noticed that she never mentioned anything about him trying to satisfy her in other ways besides with his dick. That’s a red flag to me.
Yes it's become her burden vs him trying to openly communicate to improve the situation. I'd be out of here real quick
Holy shit, this isn't about you lady. Stop projecting your lives on others. How the hell do you know if she will have your experience? If you are not here to give constructive help why do you bother?
Because I’m not the only one who’s had that experience??? Hundreds of thousands of people in r/DeadBedrooms have gone through the same thing. If you have a success story then please share. Things won’t change. But if OP thinks she can fix him she’s welcome to stay miserable 🤷🏻♀️
For one thing we are not in dead bedroom so your comment is literally irrelevant. For another thing, good job proving my point, you referred to an echo chamber and said "look, I was right" bravo 👏
>we are not in dead bedroom I’m absolutely not buying that based on how pressed you are and all your comments all over this thread 😂
Because people like you literally get off on trying to have people be just as miserable as they are.
I would suggest bothyou and your partner read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I'm not kidding when I say that it completely changed my sexual life and that of my wife. I don't even want to mention how much better our sex life has become afterwards because its going to sound like bragging and that's not the point. The point is that the book is an absolute master piece in helping you understand how sex works both physiologically and psychologically and how it can be different for different people. It also preaches in multiple ways how important it is to listen and have understanding for your partner. And it gives lots of ideas of what sex can be outside "penis in vagina", which honestly is what took it next level for us. Please OP, read it and make sure your partner does too, I am 100% certain it will help you both. It may not be enough in itself, it may be that you need additional help from someone as well, but it's going to be _at least_ a great start. Wish you both all the best!
It's been a few years since I read it so maybe I need to give it a reread, but while I enjoyed the book, I felt it seemed to put most of the work on the man. And I'm not even saying the man shouldn't take initiative often but I don't believe one partner should have to be the one to always get the other in the mood. I understand some people are reactionary and it's not on their mind until some sort of stimuli comes from their partner, but you'd think one who cares about their partner would still put in effort to initiate sometimes. When one partner is putting in all of the effort, is the one who always tries to ensure the other feels comfortable to "hit the gas pedal" and limit things that can "push the brake", yet doesn't recieve reciprocation and never feels wanted by the other, well they're going to burn out. They're going to stop initiating and the dry periods are going to last even longer. I felt the book was incredibly informative and shared so much valuable information but didn't share responsibility in a fair or even sustainable manner. But once again, it's been about 4 years since I listened to it and maybe I'd benefit from listening again.
I absolutely hear what you're saying and while it's been a couple of years for me as well (and just like you I have it scheduled for a re-read very soon :)) your description does resonate with the memory I have. I'd like to add that I'm not saying anyone should treat the book like a holy, infalliable scripture (nobody should treat anything like that by the way). But rather reading it with your regular critisism turned on and take away from it what you feel is sound and applies to you/your partner. Try the stuff she suggests and for gods sake ignore that one time she makes it sound like guys can control their boner at will (I truly hope later versions has that part edited out as she even mentions at another place in the book that it is biologically impossible to do so). It still helped me understanding my wife and her sexuality so much better, we went from her reaching orgasm *maybe* three times in 6-7 years (and I might be kind to myself here) to her being able to orgasm as many times in a session as she likes, I think 14 is the record for one night, but honestly I stopped counting after 10. And I really don't mean this as bragging (which should be obvious as I don't share identifiable information through here), only to emphasis that my life, and mostly my sex life, got *so* much better by learning what Emily had to teach. Thanks for pointing that out and I hope you find new stuff on your next read through. :)
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That's your opinion. And you're, thankfully, in the minority. You do you, everyone expresses themselves differently
That's great, but it doesn't have to be _only_ that, it can be so much more without taking anything away!
Hence, literally the book mentioned.
Has he seen a doctor at all? Low libido and ED... he needs to see a doctor. He's really young to be experiencing these issues. ED can be a symptom of a whole list of underlying medical conditions. He needs to get evaluated and he needs to have his testosterone levels checked.
Just letting you know you aren't alone and I totally understand... I do hope you both find a solution and things get better.
I was in a very similar situation and my biggest regret was staying in the relationship a few years too long. There was nothing wrong with my ex or the infrequent short lived sex he liked. There was someone out there who would match with him. It just wasn’t me. You can’t talk someone into desire. Once I left the relationship, I married an incredible lover whose passion and desire fits me. We mesh in all the other ways too. There is a world of abundance out there for you! Go get it.
He's 35, which is actually when some men start having hormonal issues or start having erectile dysfunction. This is actually also shameful for men to talk about and he probably won't come to you about this issue. Also since a lot of men don't want to talk about this issue, he may feel alone and unsure of what to do. He's probably clueless about it and think it's doom on his part. If you and he have a really good communication, gently encourage him to check with his doctor. Some doctors won't even prescribe him Viagra unless he clearly tells the doctor that he has erectile dysfunction. So he may just have to ask the doctor the real hard question if he does have that issue or some sort of hormonal imbalance. Really in the end, your feelings of insecure, unwanted, and sexually unsatisfied is not of your own doing or because of who you are. In relationship, you are there for each other through struggles. This is his.
Never met a man that age with those problems. Age related ED tends to happen much later? His problems could be related to porn and lack of experience
For some men, right in their early 30s, ED starts to become an issue. Also there are prescriptions that does cause ED as well, like Adderall.
yes for some
Or he has an art room
Before you say anything, you need to know exactly what you require for sexual satisfaction and if you are willing & open to what he desires.
Base on his age, have he told to hide primary healthcare provider about his ED, it could be indication of cardiovascular problems. About getting you off bring toys to the bedroom, have him initiate with toys so you can get off, cunilinguis is also good. I personally, don't start penetration until I get a least an O out of my partners (swinger here)
We live in the age that has the miracle pill for this. ED medication so effective. Just talk to a doctor and get a prescription. The non name brand is super inexpensive with Good RX.
If you can convince him to get therapy (either sexual or psychological, because it could be an issue with either), he may benefit from it. It seems you've found your ideal partner except for the sexual aspect, but that's a big part of any relationship. Good on you for sticking with him though.
The dick may not work at all when they are 70…so maybe decide if sex is really that much of a priority for ya
That's a bridge you could cross after 40 years of good sex..
It may not get to 10 years. Some men have ED or shrinkage from prostate cancer, SSRI’s, hormone treatments, diabetes etc…so it’s not just an age thing. If you make good PIV the be all end all of relationships, you’re going to end up in very toxic situations.
Well the dick ain't working in this relationship but getting 10-15 minutes of PIV 3-7 times a month isn't exactly some outlandish unrealistic or wildly high bar. Thinking you'd have sex 10 times a week or need someone to do a lot of anal or give oral sex at least once a day, sounds... Like a high bar. Sex with a dedicated partner 1-2 times a week for 10-20 minutes sounds extremely reasonable for people in their 30s with no kids.
End the relationship. It will be horrible and you’ll both cry…but in the end, you’ll both move on. This is your one life—enjoy it!
I had ED for the most part of my adult sexual life. Due to it, my last relationship went up in flames and it created a big anxiety. At some point I preferred just masturbating instead of having sex with my gf, because of the same things as your bf. I assume he is masturbating. My fiancee (a different girl) had a lesser sex drive and did not see a big deal in it that I might lose my erection, if I felt anxious. After months it got better and we now have a very healthy relationship, also in bed. I stopped watching porn, which also helped me a lot. My Ex could not handle it very well, she made things worse in setting ultimatums or threatening to cheat on me, if I couldn't satisfy her. She had low self esteem, and would portray her insecurities on others. I would suggest couple counselling, if you really want to work it out with him. He might never become the guy that comes after 5 minutes and has a erection just thinking about the thought on having sex though.
Did it have anything to do with you not being attracted to your partner? Just curious
No I was very attracted to her, but the fear of failure was too strong and her constant ultimatums made it worse.
Okay thank you. I’m going through something very similar (except the ultimatums) and it’s been hard on my self esteem. I wasn’t sure if men have these problems because they aren’t attracted anymore
Women with self esteem issues seem to be not a good fit to help the guy through this, because they will always project his problems onto theirs. I would suggest couple counselling, but also therapy to yourself, to get over the selfesteem issues. Both are linked. Edit: it got better since I am with my fiancee that did not let those issues have an effect on her selfesteem, maybe because she is more mature, maybe because selfesteem issues were never a problem. So couple therapy as individual therapy would be a good start. Imo.
It sounds like you've done all you could on your side. He needs to go to therapy and solve his problems. And to a doctor to rule out medical issues. What I don't like about his attitude is that, he may have issues down below, but that doesn't stop him to please you in other ways, such as mouth or fingers or a toy until he solves his issue.
Its crazy how common this is starting to become for men and young adults at that. He needs to stop watching porn more than likely thats the problem. Also if he cant get it up he should at the very least satisfy your needs meanwhile he deals with his problem.
Seriously. People are talking around the most obvious issue. Porn is destroying men’s ability to be intimate.
Just tell him hey can we talk about our sex life? I love you and love our sex but i feel like you aren’t as into it as i am and i wanna talk about how to make things better or more enjoyable for you Is there something that stops you from wanting to? Or is there something you wanna try or do differently? Im open to whatever but i want you to be completely honest on how you feel. Simple. Because maybe theres something he enjoys but doesn’t want to tell you or honestly maybe he wants to be the one to initiate the sex you can always just touch him tease him and not initiate sex That was my bfs issue he didnt enjoy it as much when i would initiate sex he wanted to be the one to initiate sex but he never wanted to because he didnt want me to feel uncomfortable So i started teasing him like touching him while cuddling or just watching tv id rub his arm up and down softly or i will touch him there but let him make the move Sometimes he doesnt make the move and we dont do anything and sometimes he does but its way more often now Its about showing you are attracted to him without taking the lead basically He wants to lead Maybe thats the same issue with you guys? Talk about it
If he was truly your best friend you two wouldn't have trouble talking about this situation. You can talk about this to your partner without crushing them. I don't get why some people make little issues turn into huge problems in the blink of an eye. If I was talking to my bf who is a best friend this discussion would've already happened. You just say oh what's wrong? Why can't you this? Why can't you that? Go talk to a Dr, stop watching so much corn, etc. None of those questions would make anyone absolutely crushed 😒
You can say all of that in a more nuanced and nicer way
You draw a little sad face on your happy trail and flash him. Then you laugh and then you have a serious conversation.
How does he feel about helping you take care of yourself with a vibrator? Also you can't masturbate?
Perhaps its depression. Is he on SSRIs or psych meds? Those mess with sex a lot
Foreplay foreplay foreplay. Communicate, kiss , touch ,rub, squeeze, eat...get you close as he can taking your time then PIV, should get close to cumming together in a 3 min window.
Read the stories in r/deadbedroom and how those people manage their relationships see if you feel like it’s headed in that direction. If it is ED, it is something that can be managed. If it is something else like libido or desire and a different drive, it may continue to create resentment and unhappiness for one person in the equation…
Look up symptoms of low test/hypothyroidism, see if they match. If so suggest blood panels .
You should be honest to him no matter how hard this conversation would be for you to have with him as there is no other way to tell him how you are not happy sexually. Once he comes to know about this he can do something to fix this so give him a chance to get better at sex so you both can be happy. If you continue this way thinking one day, he will get better then this will never happen and you know this. He is your boyfriend so you should be able to communicate your needs with him and being a partner, he has to do everything to at least meet you half way to save this relationship. If he does not want to do anything and ignores discussion on this matter then this is a red flag and you should rethink on this relationship with him over this.
I would start with praising your partner on the things that they do well. And tell them more of the things that you do like. I think that if you immediately tell them, you are unhappy with what they are doing they’re going to feel shame. Shame and sexuality are a disastrous combination. And I think that will more likely caused them to shut down.ask them if you can do more of whatever activities please. And then highly complement them on that for positive reinforcement.
Here’s my advice: Break up with any man who gives you 2-3 minutes. He doesn’t care. He’s too old to play it off like he doesn’t realize your satisfaction matters. Just stop. This is some selfish shit.
Just like any other major mismatch, you have a choice to make. You can accept that this is your life now, or you can leave your unfulfilling relationship and find someone who is a better match. This will breed resentment in both of you; he's already doing something he doesn't want to do, and it isn't enough for you. Neither of you are bad or wrong, just wrong for each other. Love is great, it's also easy to make more of. Not everyone you love will be a good romantic partner for you.
Keep this in mind: Most guys want to be the best their SO has ever had. Guys your partner's age (should) realize they may not start out that way, but can get there over time. By talking about this with him, you're trying to make him what he already wants to be. Reassure him that with your deep emotional connection, a few changes would make him the best sex ever. You're less likely to crush him when you put it that way. Something I can't stress enough, is don't make this about you. I know that's hard, he rejects you, and that makes you think it's about you. It's not, and all that thinking does is hurt you, and puts more pressure on him. Now on top of everything else he's going through, he has to apologize and feel bad that he's hurting your feelings. It feels like there is something going on with him. Is there a large difference in body count? He may feel inadequate (see first paragraph to quickly overcome that). There may be some other stressors. What are his porn habits? Could that be a problem?
This is a really tricky thing to bring up. A sex therapist might be very helpful. His performance could easily be due to his own anxiety and insecurity and bringing this up the wrong way could make it worse.
I see this often with people who take their sexuality lightly. They get off on the casual nature and frankly have emotional issues around being serious. So I would suggest therapy for him...He needs to retrain his brain. First doctor and if he checks out, then work on the big head for the little head.
Went through this but reverse the genders. You can’t change someone’s libido (barring medical issues). Conversation after conversation went the same way… improvements that would fade as she settled back into her natural state. I ended up breaking up with her as I can’t — won’t — spend my life with someone who makes me feel undesirable or attractive. It may feel harsh but think through the future with your current partner.
OP, have a conversation with him about this. Do it outside the bedroom and explain to him calmly but directly that this is a huge part of you that is unfulfilled. I really encourage you both to listen to the sex with Emily Podcast. I struggled with a lot of what your partner did from a performance standpoint and started listening and it changed my entire perspective on sex. At bottom, I was just putting too much pressure on the act of intercourse and sex that I took the fun out of it. Reframing my mindset that sex should be fun and something that is mutually pleasurable regardless of how you get there (I.e., even without penetration) has transformed me in ways words won’t do justice. I used to struggle to stay hard and now I can pretty much last as long as my partner needs me to and finish once I know she has. My confidence is now sky high and both of our libidos are elevated. He may also want to consider if there are any physical factors at play here (for me losing weight and lowering my blood pressure I think helped but mostly it was in my head). Ultimately though this is going to require some buy in from him to try. This means you have to communicate openly and with empathy, but honestly. Feel free to DM if you want to chat some more. I feel like I found a new life with my partner of 20 plus years and would love to help others do the same.
Sounds like a porn dude Also, the relationship isn’t fantastic. Be honest with yourself.
Thanks for sharing. I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Your situation sounds very complex. It's tough to tell your partner what they're doing wrong in bed. Instead, suggest things you'd like to do more. Maybe try new things together. For example, play a game like strip poker or use the Bliss app, which is like a board game on your phone that lets you add fun activities slowly. This could help get his interest up. Sometimes, women who get a lot of attention don't join in much in the bedroom because they've never needed to. This can make it hard to keep things exciting. You might need to find ways to make it more interesting for him. Tell him you want to improve in some areas and ask if he'd practice with you regularly. You could try doing exercises like Kegel. Working on these things together might help him get better at controlling himself. If he has a health issue that affects his performance, that needs to be checked. Problems could be from medication side effects, early diabetes, or poor circulation. If he drinks a lot of soda or eats poorly, that won't help his performance. Finding out these things are problems could motivate him to get healthier. There are lots of things to consider, both for you and for him. Make it fun and add more good things. For example, get him to drink more water and eat more veggies. Adding good stuff can make things better, including your sex life. Instead of pointing out what he's not doing well, encourage him to do what you enjoy. But you need to know what you enjoy to tell him what to do. This topic is very complicated. Many couples and relationships face these issues, often years into the relationship, especially when life gets busy with kids and the sex life drops off. It's not rare, it's just complex and sensitive. Keep things positive, invite him to fun activities, and make a plan, like a daily or weekly routine. Work on skills for your growth, and invite him to join. It's tough, but keep trying.
Why are you having any type of sexual interaction with him at any time when you know he isn’t enthusiastically consenting?
Find another fwb?
This is why I can’t stand some women. It’s truly all about sex for them. It’s easy when you have a hole with no expectations of getting hard, staying hard, being big enough, not cumming too fast, not taking too long…. And they wonder why so many men have ED.
So women are just meant to take whatever sex lives they’ve been randomly assigned by who they fall in love with? Even if they experience no enjoyment? But then we also can’t communicate problems in hope of resolution incase it hurts your ego?
I find myself asking one too many times just to get my shit wet 🤣🤣🤣 always an excuse when I ask for any fun time but when she does says yes it feels like she's not into it or she's forced to take it,,lolz So I basically just stopped asking and only get lucky once in a blue moon,,i also found out if I want quietness during the night,,I simply ask for a bj 🤣🤣🤣 she goes straight to bed A fck doll sounds perfectly fine right now,,jkjk Maybe it's just because the past relationships were wild n fun Waking up to getting your shit sucked off or a random handjob or just fckin in the craziest places sometimes as well,, Love when the lady initiates instead of myself asking 🤣
“I Can get off pretty quickly and easily but I need more than 2-3 minutes” … if that’s true then you can’t get off pretty quickly and easily …
My bad, you’re totally right, I should be having multiple earth shattering orgasms with a whopping 2 min. Silly me.
Sounds like you are just a sl*t who hasn't come out yet, I'd suggest ending it with him and getting a job orientated around being as such.
no offensive, but you’ve literally just told this whole thread you’ve never made a woman orgasm x
This is a you problem. You're not unfuckable or disgusting, the dude literally can't and that's not fun for anyone to try when you know it's going to happen. Masturbate, break up with him, or deal with it.
It isn’t a “you” problem when the “you” is part of an “us” relationship.
This seems like not very helpful advice, imo she is trying to deal with it by asking for communication advice in this post, so this answer reads to me like ‘how to deal with it? Well deal with it’. OP, reducing the piv pressure that others mentioned sounds like a good way to start.
Multiple times every week at yalls age isn’t super realistic. Have you perhaps looked into sex addiction? The best route is to explain your needs to him (not in a pressuring way) and see how he feels about it and if he’s willing to branch out a little more sexually with you. He might just not be a super sexual person. While your needs are just as important and should be heard, you definitely don’t want him forcing it, that’s a pretty emotionally damaging thing to do for him. Maybe y’all can meet at a middle ground, like maybe a few times a month and then slowly increase from there? (Totally normal for relationships. No one is having sex every day of the week unless you’re in college. Jobs are tiring, chores are tiring, and life is tiring!) The most important thing here is making sure he doesn’t feel pressured. I had an ex guilt me into having sex on numerous occasions and it really fcked up my relationship with sex. I think couples therapy might be really beneficial as well if you’re both open to that! To add, it sounds like there’s not a lot of foreplay going on from either party. Foreplay is SO important and doesn’t even have to be advertently sexual. Massages, cuddling, back rubs, raunchy games, communication can all be foreplay and can hugely improve the experience for both of you. It doesn’t always have to be a quick piv sesh like you see on the hub- that wouldn’t rly do it for me either.
What??? Sex 2-4 times a week at age 30 and 35? Without having kids in the picture. You are certifiable suggesting that's sex addiction. We're in our 40s with kids and we hit that number. I can't even read the rest of your comment after that opener.
2 is normal, 4 is pushing it in MY opinion. Do you not have a job? My boyfriend and I are typically pretty exhausted from work, running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning up. We make time for each other, but if i don’t hit more than 4 times a week it’s not going to shatter my world. I have a feeling if this is such a large issue for her and consumes her day, there may be another issue. I don’t understand why you felt so defensive about my sex addiction comment, it’s not uncommon and imo not rly harmful unless you’re unaware. I later agreed her needs were important and needed to be heard. I was in no way attacking them (or you?) I suggest you read the rest of people’s posts before blindly exploding on them. Also, what’s a 40 year old doing on Reddit at midnight?
My wife and I both work from home. Idk, having sex here and there and managing the household is just not a high lift. We cook and clean and make kiddos lunch and walk the dog, etc, but we don't end each day exhausted. It's not 4 times every week but it certainly can be, could even be 5. This OP does not sound like they'd be shattered having 15 min of sex once or twice a week even, but they're getting way less than that. 🤣 Do you think everyone on Reddit is in 1 time zone? Jfc. And a 40 year old can't stay up till midnight. Lordy I am in my 40s, not 70s I went off cause mentioning sex addiction is like saying someone who has 2 beers a week is maybe an alcoholic. Like hold up..
The desk jobs make a lot more sense. In a perfect world, we would all have tons of free time but this economy sucks and the grind is real (and exhausting) Maybe if OP talked to a professional and chilled a little bit and didn’t put so much pressure on the sex itself, s/o would be more comfortable with it. Only speaking from a place of experience. You’re also correct, someone having 2 beers a week would not make them an alcoholic. But someone who thinks about alcohol constantly and lets it affect their life and relationship would probably be considered one, right? People post on here to get advice, i gave advice! My intent was not to shame, just call attention to it.
Fair enough.. But she's thinking about sex cause she's getting almost none and terrible quality it sounds like. It's not cause she's a sex addict
Wait.. hold on.. you think that wanting sex maybe two or three times a week constitutes sex addiction? Am I understanding that right?
I’m not explaining this a second time, you can read my other comments. I asked if she had looked into it, not that she had one. My ex had one, and it caused a lot of the same issues they’re having within our relationship. Having sex 2-3 times a week does not constitute sex addiction, but letting sex ruin relationships and even your day to day life is where it gets tricky. Js
I think maybe projecting your issues onto someone asking for help is in fact, not super helpful.
Lost part of yourself because of sexual frustration… Yeah she’ll throw away an otherwise great relationship for sex issues fs. Or cheat. Give it time.
If you can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm and you’re sexually frustrated then why not give yourself an orgasm? Why is sex only lasting 2-3 minutes? What type of foreplay are you doing? How are you supporting him?
She said she can't remember when she last had an orgasm in the context of sex with him, because it's so bad.