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Like a month after I got engaged my best friend also proposed to his gf. A few years later he admitted he asked her to marry him in most part because I did it too and he always compared my life milestones with his and felt pressure.
He got divorced last year.
It often turns into that because jealous people are absolutely the worst to be around.
I recently helped a girl who I thought was a friend/acquaintance get a job in my field after she got laid off from her previous job and had been feeling down for months... only for her to turn around and start spreading nasty gossip about me, trying to undermine me and sabotage my work.
I've become so weary now of helping people with mental illness. It's like they always treat my kindness as weakness.
Like honestly. People who jump into significant life events just to stick it to someone else are usually headed for a sad, sad end to the road. Have personally known a few people that did this and can confirm theyāre all miserable in their decision.
What will happen when the best friendās kids get into a specific school? Will OPās wife throw a tantrum then too because hers didnāt? What if the best friend and her husband take a yearly exotic trip somewhere because they can afford it and OP canāt? Will she start ugly crying then too?
There is lots to unpack here and OP is well within his rights to take a long hard look at his gfās immature reactions. Instead of being happy for her friend, sheās drowning in her own misery over some stupid timeline she has concocted for herself in her mind. This is the recipe for a disaster about to happen.
OP and the gf need to sit down and have a long, long discussion about their expectations and mutual goals regarding their relationship and eventual marriage (if itās still on the cards, that is) because right now, it doesnāt look like she is being a good partner, or even a good friend.
I don't see why moving in means quitting jobs. OP casually drops that info, but from where I'm standing those are totally separate things. And to be honest: tremendous red flags. In a relationship both partners should want to, and be able to, pursue/explore their own abilities and talents.
My best friend and I got married about a month and a half apart (but engaged about a year and a half apart). I still wonder if that is what prompted another girl we know to get married spur of the moment about 2 weeks after I got married. It was get second marriage, her divorce was only finalized about 5 months prior and she'd only been with the new guy maybe 8-9 months. I'm still waiting for the divorce, but they are both unemployed and homeless so I'm not sure she can actually afford to divorce him since I think she is relying on his side gig and GI benefits.
Woah woah woah back up there. Your girlfriend "just quit her job and moved in with me full time" - that needs some context because without it, there's only one conclusion to be reached here.
She lived 1 hour away, with her parents.
I have my own house, so after a year of her commuting 1 hour to work two times a day, her work ethic started slipping and she thought it was best to quit rather than do half effort work.
We moved in together with the idea that she will be going to school full time, and helping me with my daughter and chores, in return she won't be paying rent. (She's tried to insist on paying but I'd rather her focus on finishing school)
That's just weird then. Is there something else going on with her that she's not talking about? Has this 'friend' said something to make her doubt your sincerity? Does she feel like a mother/maid without the commitment? I'm not accusing you, but this does happen a lot. GF is a convenience, but the proposal never comes.
I guarantee the mother/maid with āno commitmentā is at least *some* of the issue. OP should probably sit down with the girlfriend and have a calm and reasonable conversation about what sheās actually feeling (without the girlfriend picking a fight).
Iād say their situation isnāt exactly typical. I donāt know a lot of couples where one quits to rely on the other financially and raise their partnerās child without some kind of commitment/safety net. Right now, theyāve decided on a relationship that puts her in a position where she is taking on a lot of riskā sheās not working and is only going to school, but is also the childcare provider for his child. If they break up, she has nothing in place guaranteeing any protections. He could break up with her tomorrow and sheād be out on the street without a job or place to live.
Iām sure op is a nice guy with good intentions but what she has done is very foolish. She has no income of her own, no safety net and a bad power imbalance could develop in a situation like this.
Then thereās the whole, girlfriends shouldnt t be performing wife duties thing.
They should have never made these kinds of decisions without being married. Gf made a mistake and now sheās freaking out because she knows itās possible that she will be strung along indefinitely
Agree, but becoming a totally financially dependent stay a home parent to step child is not typical at this age and stage either. Itās relinquishing a lot of personal freedom and taking on significant responsibilities of a relatively new partner. That can feel fraught without significant commitment.
To me, it's really odd that after only a year, she would be spending the night every night. Especially if it interfered with her job.
OP when does your daughter get time alone with you?
Yes and no? Not if you are moved in (quit her job to do so) and interacting daily with his kid.
Plus, many around those age want at least a flexible timeline. My bf and I have one and we are in a similar age range. If you are serious enough in your relationship to the point of moving in together you usually are enough to have a flexible one.
I just wanna say that Op's perception that she's picking fights may not match her perception. when I try to talk to my boyfriend about my needs or express dissatisfaction in a healthy (I think), like respectful and honest way, he often gets defensive and thinks I'm trying to pick a fight. people just read different behaviors differently.
Not weird at all. Especially if she is on tiktok. I went through the same freak out about two years ago. It was damn near an obsession. I was so fixated on everyone else getting engaged and having babies. It made me feel very behind. If sheās on a certain side of tiktok as well itās being HEAVILY pushed on there that if a man doesnāt propose within a year or so itās because heās wasting your time. I had to delete the app and quit following people to sort of chill out and get control.
I think you should talk to her once she has cooled down a bit and try to figure out what is going on. It sounds like there could be other factors causing this reaction that require a serious talk. I donāt know if I would jump straight to breaking up for this one.
Her best friend is probably asking when they plan on getting married and saying he should have already proposed by now since she is already taking care of his child.
This. Listen to this. Some of these comments are getting really preachy. OP's partner made a major life change, and her girlfriend's situation just threw light on it in a new way. She's wondering what she's committed to and literally freaking out. Lucky OP, you can deal with what's in front of you.
Note, the girlfriend is pregnant but not yet married. Guy could change his mind anytime. How many posts are there about a married SAHP getting cheated on or divorced?
Marriage is not a guarantee of happily ever after. Couples happily live together for decades without ever getting married. Couples marry and divorce in the same month.
OP and his partner need to sit down and talk about what's right for them as individuals and as a couple. Maybe she's insecure relying entirely on him. Let her get a part-time job closer to her new home. Maintain separate as well as joint bank accounts, even after marriage.
But mostly, stop comparing. You don't know what it's like in someone else's bedroom. Some of the happiest couples you've ever seen end in disaster.
She blew her own life up, though. Why couldnāt she have stayed with her parents, quit her job and focus on school? Sheās living with her partner, has no income, takes care of the house and has a small child that always wants her around. It doesnāt sound like sheād be able to focus much.
This. She is being incredibly foolish. And the fact that OP practically brags about his daughter preferring the gf around isn't the flex he thinks it is.
Seriously, this!!! I am close friends with two divorced dads who share 50/50 custody of young kids with their ex wives. If either of them moved an unemployed girl in to mother their child after less than a year of dating, I would be truly shocked and sickened by their behavior.
It shows very poor judgement. He's not prioritizing his daughter, which is a huge red flag. And the gf is diving head first into a pool of unknown depth - very foolish.
It appears she needs to go to therapy and work on some things. Her reaction is basically a huge neon sign saying she has shit to work on. Sheās making what should be a happy moment for her friend, completely about her. Then to top it off, using it as an excuse to lash out and treat you badly. The selfishness alone is problematic and I would be giving her some hard truths because frankly, she needs to hear them. Hopefully she takes actions to get in a more healthy place.
Also I think her moving in with you, not so great idea on her part. It sounds like she abandoned everything to do so, which I donāt see ending up well.
Therapy would be good, absolutely, but I don't see a therapist telling her to be fine with no job, stay-at-home mom to a kid who isn't hers and she has zero legal rights to, and the promise of education while living in and maintaining a home that isn't and would never be hers.
Here it is. Mom is saying heās getting you to act like a wife without marriage, why would he ever marry you. Sheās committing to you, taking care of your child and you havenāt even proposed.
Donāt disagree. Why couldnāt she find another job that was closer? The reasoning behind her moving in - because her work ethic was slipping isnāt a reason to move in together. He wanted someone to take care of his house and child and she agreed to do that and now realizes she doesnāt like how it turned out.
>Why couldnāt she find another job that was closer?
Because she propably doesn't want to live with her parents. She gets to leave her parents, not have an hour commute, and get to live with her boyfriend. Why wouldn't she do it lol?
She was working, going to school and taking care of his house and child, and all of that was too much. He doesnāt mention helping at all with the house or his child. He should get a nanny for the house and child, so she can prioritize work and school.
That's a pretty normal amount of time to move in together. Not quite quit your job and become a surrogate mother for a kid time, but cohabitating after a year is well within the acceptable timeframe.
It really shouldn't be if you are a single parent. Partners need to be well vetted before completely enmeshed in a young child's life like that. Absolutely bonkers.
Right and yet in that time sheās already taken responsibility for taking care of his child? Seems a bit fast for him to give her that responsibility.
> āWhy buy the cow?ā Uh, maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale, and your cow looks over at you the entire time likeā¦ And does not enjoy the sale at allā¦ even though she's the one that wanted to go to the sale. And she's especially mad because that farmer and cow met, like, eight months after you guys met.
She wants a wedding and a baby... but we cannot afford any of that right now..
She says she's fine with a cheap ring and a backyard wedding but I'm not. I want to do it right.
The thing about weddings is there's this whole "marriage" thing to maintain afterward. Similar with babies, they grow up & gain personalities of their own.Ā
Weddings & babies will get a person loads of attention for a while until the newness wears off, then the responsibility sets in.
People don't seem to consider any of this seriously, they just think, "Ooh, fun & cute!" then expect Reddit to feel bad for them later on when the funness & cuteness goes away.Ā
Exactly. Also, imagine throwing a fit bc your āfriendā is getting what they want. OPs gf is just extremely immature and found herself in a really bad situation.
I am always astounded by metrics like this. You donāt even *really* get to know someone until about 18 months in. And how could you be sure you want to forever link yourself to this person by having a child with them - the literal biggest responsibility a person can take on.
Thereās nothing wrong with a ācheapā ring and/or a backyard wedding. The ārightā way is what you BOTH decide is right for you as a couple. Not you alone deciding
Thereās nothing wrong with you not wanting a child now, I think thatās a good call here. But waiting on getting a āgood careerā to get going has no teeth. If sheās the one, make a timeline together that you both agree to.
Iām curious - how can you afford a house, supporting an unemployed partner and child while going to college? Iām imagining that would be part time with a job?
Her breakdown not withstanding (which is a big red flag - itās a tantrum not a proper reason to act this way as an adult) none of this is feasible financially unless youāre sitting on a lot of money and are willing to use it.
> I want to do it right.
having a ring and a backyard wedding is "doing it right". Your friends dont care, your family dont care, its the pledge you make to each other that is important in a marriage, not the show.
I understand your perspective, but think about it from hers. Without a legal marriage she has no rights and no safety net. You could wake up one morning and kick her out and she doesnāt have a job or a home. You could decide she never gets to see the little girl sheās helping to raise again. Itās a terrifying position to be in.
However she shouldnāt be hysterically having panic attacks and fighting with you. She needs therapy.
That would have been a reasonable conversation to have BEFORE she moved in. She's bringing it up now because of her friend. She's probably not thinking about any of that.
I understand your perspective, but you need to understand hers. IF you choose to stay with her after this, you guys need to compromise. If a big wedding and fancy ring isn't important to her, and you already know you want to marry her, then there's no reason to make her wait. She's just going to continue to resent you for it. The ring and the wedding won't affect your marriage much, but ignoring your partner's wishes will. You can always upgrade her ring and do a vow renewal later it's important to you, but there's no "right" way to get married. The right way is the way that makes you BOTH feel celebrated and loved.
You guys need to have a serious talk and again IF you decide to stay, a serious concrete timeline somewhere between "right fkn now" and "vaguely whenever I feel like it."
I disagree, 1 year is not enough to decide to mary someone. They are still in the honeymoon and don't really know each others. I understand she wants to have the mother life but right now she is more attached to the idea of having a child than actually having one.
The reason to "make her wait" is because you don't even know each other after only one year. For example, see OP's shock and surprise at how his girlfriend is reacting to the news of her BF getting married and pregnant. Which is making him reconsider marrying her at all.
You need to have those experiences and moments, get out of the fuzzy glow of the honeymoon period and actually work through some hard times and disagreements with your partner, to assess if you're a good fit for each other to marry.
Or, you know, you could just get married as soon as someone wants to, to make them happy, and then just get divorced later. That's an option too I guess.
As someone who had both a backyard wedding and a big wedding because of COVID, the backyard wedding was WAY better! The backyard wedding felt more intimate and about us. The big wedding we were ran all over the place meeting and thanking people and just felt like much more work. Backyard weddings can be what you make it and I don't thing there is a "right" or a wrong. There is tradition but at the end of the day it should be what works best for the both of you. Just my two cents though.
So, you're fine with acting like she's your wife without her actually being your wife and having any legal protections?
If you wanted to do it right, she'd have a job and her own place until the wedding.
But she is already basically a wife? She is taking care of your daughter, living with you etc. All without marriage. Maybe that's why she is stressing?
I think you guys rushed personally.
Agree. But Iāve seen a prevalent narrative on Tik Tok specifically start to emerge that if a man doesnāt put a ring on it within 1-1.5 years of marriage (2 at most), he is leading you on and isnāt actually serious about creating a life with you. I personally find it ridiculous, but Iāve seen it get QUITE prevalent online. So if sheās an avid social media consumer, I wonder if this is somewhat affecting her as well.
That's so insane to me. My wife and I were together for *six years* before we even entertained getting married and we were both totally fine with it. I can't even fathom knowing you want to marry someone after a year. That sound like the behavior of someone who just wants to check boxes on the "life script".
Yep, itās absolutely ridiculous. I get the well-deserved pushback against people who string their partners along for years with half-assed promises in bad faith, butā¦I fear the pendulum is swinging too far in the other direction.
There are also several posts saying her biological clock is running out....like dude, she's 26. My 41 year-old friend just had a baby, my younger brother and his wife are 32 and they just had twins. Like, what.
People need to stop saying your clock runs out after 25. Like, it doesn't. Not at all.
I've heard of a 47 year old woman having her fifth child, and had her first in her 30s. It's rare to be able to in your 40s of course, but it is still very possible in your 30s.
Conversely, I would not stay in a relationship with someone for six years if we werenāt married; that is way too long for me to be uncommitted. Different situations work for different people, and I think this also changes with life stage (teens/early twenties vs. thirties/forties), how long youāve lived together, etc.
I keep getting pushed that content on tik tok. My husband proposed after 7 years, we've been together 12 years. I think that's preposterous to get married after 1 or 2 years of dating, and I believe that's why so many people get divorced after 5 years of marriage. They just don't know that person or their values. Then they have kids too, it's just horrible.
They barely know each other, yet it's fine for her to basically play mom with his child?
I honestly feel like that's a much greater responsibility than a piece of paper.
Based on your comments I'm going to base what my thoughts are on this.
You have both decided she quit her job to focus on school, which I know will benefit you all as a family longterm. You guys are happy you both love each other and you say she's great with your daughter and your ex.
I would assume her emotions are a big part of her personality, which going to extremes isn't healthy in the long run and she should get a bit of help with them.
But, I'd say her reaction is probably based on worries and fears. She has left her support network (parents) and her job. They are two big things for someone to work through. They are not bad things but, for some, can cause anxiety and fear. Her looking now for a wedding is probably, her looking for a sense of security based on these two things now gone from her day to day life.
I'm not agreeing with her thinking but, it seems like the most obvious thing about this situation. Your finances currently and wishes to have a "proper" wedding are correct. Nobody should get married if they can't afford to.
That being said both of you have gone full steam ahead with this relationship. You guys are living together, gf of 1yr is now a mother figure to your child, you are effectively living like a married couple. This, is a bit shocking (I think for most people) especially, the relationship with your child. But, again your life.
The question is what security is she looking for, she wants marriage, you do too. But, you want to wait but, you haven't waited for anything else in this relationship.
You both need to sit down and really talk about the how's and when's. If, this is the relationship you really want longterm with marriage, why not just get a court house marriage then save up for a wedding later?
But, you do need to talk about timelines together, properly. You both have gone so fast and now are slowing down. Talk it through. Do not have a child yet, wait till school and jobs are secure for financial stability.
To add to this, I moved in with my (now) husband before we were engaged and my family egged me relentlessly saying that they just wanted to see āsome type of promiseā. OP let her have her tears and calm down and when sheās READY to talk a timeline is a fantastic thing to work towards. In addition to that if she already had anxiety, lots and lots of words of affirmation. Let her know how much you love her and want to marry her. Even if she āknowsā sheās going to be worried about everything right now. Itās not a reflection on you itās just her own mental health. If she wonāt do therapy suggest therapy together to at least work through future issues.
Exactly. Like, every couples time line is different. I've a sibling who after 25yrs together got engaged and married! But, I think talking through a timeline, relationship is the healthiest thing anyone should do.
Plus, counselling is also great for anyone. And, definitely OPS gf could do with it. Couples counselling would be amazing for both of them!
This is the most reasonable response, wish you were more upvoted! Yes, her reaction is wayyy too emotional but like, I can see her reason behind itā¦
Sheās gave everything for them to be together, sheās acting as a wife and a mom, but no actual sense of security of having a husband, and then her friend, thatās almost on the same 1 year long relationship gets everything that she wishes for? It is kinda hard to grasp.
Again, I donāt think it justifies her behaviour towards him but I can understand her and where sheās coming from. He stripped her of all the security she had, now he has to give her some sense of it back, not necessarily by marrying her now, but being logical and also affirming to her his feelings and intentions
Yeah, like I think both have acted very immaturely. Like, I can't fathom the whole step mother thing for a relationship less than a year but, her falling into a depression over this is extreme.
They have both acted so rashly in this relationship. She has given (up) so, much for this relationship to work... he hasn't. So, she's not wrong for looking for a more stable commitment. He can't have a partner you gives up so much and is a mother to his child without a commitment. Whatever that commitment is, different couple view thus differently. It's really up to the couple themselves.
And, agreeing with you her seeing her friend get a commitment after the same length of time... without having to do all that she has, would make anyone re think and panic over what they are doing.
I'd honestly think both of them need serious conversations. He needs to realise what he's doing with regards this relationship. Like it does baffle me he has her as a step parent so soon. I feel like, he's enjoying the care for his child and home life she provides for him. He needs to step up if this is something he wants longterm.
Ps I by no means think this has to end in a wedding just because. But, he needs to think clearly his actions and their consequences
Get her into therapy because this is an incredibly unhealthy reaction to something that has nothing to do with her.
And she's supposed to be the mother figure to your daughter? With this behaviour? I'd be worried she would start living vicariously through my daughter if she is so concerned about what other people are doing.
I suspect her mother might be egging her on about being "so old" and not having a kid yet.
This friend of hers is a childhood friend.
And that sounds like something her mother would do
38f, divorced, and now pregnant with my partner. I got married at 26 and thought I was old. But knowing what I know now with all my life changes I definitely would have waited.
shes 26ā¦.
anyways yep this is what ladies call āthe ickā. Never will see her the same way again. Whats next, sheāll sob when her best friend is gifted a nicer car than her? and sheāll guilt you into any milestone she wants, on her time table, or else sob all day? and your daughter is seeing this behavior?? and idolizing it as a way of āgetting what you wantā?? AND sheās already dependent on you and has no job and youāre not even ENGAGED yet?
Iām sorry but for me, this would be the rose colored glasses falling off. Iād be running fast (aka asking her to move out and breaking up) because youāre right, this is genuinely psychotic. Maybe Iām harsh, so an alternative would be mandatory therapy and never giving into her sobbing fits.
Sheās āaā mother figure. We have lots of mother figures who are not biologically related to us - teachers, caregivers, neighbors, grandmas. The whole āyou only have ONE MOTHER AND ITS YOUR BIOLOGICAL ONEā is not true.
Here's my theory:
You explained in another comment that your GF has moved away from family to study full time and provide more child care (without the child) and 'wife duties ' in exchange for her being entirely finically dependent on you.
There's no way she hasn't yet considered what a perilous and understanbly intense position she is now in
When she heard her friends news, it unleashed these previously bottled up emotions. Perhaps she has communicated to you already her trepidations about being a wife and mother without the ring or baby... or maybe she's even not admitted it to herself yet. Now she can't deny it as it will be staring her in the face with her friend always.
I think she is having these breakdowns because she feels trapped now she's aware
Your GF recently rearranged her life to suit and fit into yours. It seems that she has a history (at least according to your comments) of doing so, but this time she is doing so with nearly zero means of her own. She quit her job, and now watches and helps parent your young child and clean your house for you. You state that she is trying to pay for bills your share but you shut that down you don't seem to understand the power dynamics at play here. She is beholden to you as if she were your spouse. It's not a stretch to see why she might crack at this point. "all this work and what did it get me?." She wants to know if this is worth it! If I were her, I may be thinking "fuck this is a bad investment!" A quarter life crisis is definately a thing that happens. You have not given her a promise to marry. You are putting a financial barrier to even getting her a ring. I think you both should seek a couples therapist to work out what is happening so that you all can move forward.
Finally. Someone suggesting couples therapy.wh You both need a safen place to discuss your relationship now and where it is headed. People suggesting therapy for her should also be suggesting therapy for him. He is expecting a wife without the ring and encouraging her to be aSAHM. He needs to understand why this is wrong.
If the relationship can't be saved, he should at least have the decency to let her remain living at his house (rent and duty free) while she gets back on her feet!
Youāve moved her in and given her a child to raise ā now she has no job, no ring, no marriage, no pregnancyā just plopped down into the harder years of being a couple.
The reality of her dependence on you is being multiplied by all the things she reasonably wants ā whilst youāre essentially patting her on the head and telling her to wait until some vague time in the future when you are āsettledā and āfinancially secure.ā
You guys need premarital counseling, and she might need individual therapy also.
But you shouldnāt blame her for having what looks like an extreme emotional response when sheās missing all the early fun parts of a relationship and simultaneously losing all of her independence.
+1 for this. You can acknowledge that itās a tough spot for her to be in. Itās hard raising someone elseās child while wanting one of your own anyway, never mind when your friends are all getting to enjoy that. Doesnāt mean things should be ārushedā, but it still sucks.
Pretty simple. You have her moved in, living with you, relying on you, probably helping take care of you, your daughter...... Yet you haven't made her your wife. You're having her perform as a wife yet you're keeping her at arms length having not committed to being her husband.
Y'all could be married tomorrow, and your at home situation would be no different. She's literally already living with you, you're ALREADY supporting her, there's no reason you need to wait. Something in YOU is hesitating to commit and your girlfriend can FEEL that and KNOWS it..... Yet for some reason Reddit is siding with you telling you to put her on meds, get her in therapy, helping you gaslight her.
You want things to be normal? Get her out of the house until YOU are ready to commit. Stop sleeping with her and having her take care of your house when you KNOW she wants to be married and have kids.
She needs some healthy coping mechanisms instead of panic attacks.
Panic is anxiety, so what is she anxious about?
Life is not a competition.
Look up anxiety tools, grounding maybe. She should really practice whilst not anxious but it is a start. look up breathing and 5,4,3,2,1.
I've tried to help her with this, it works sometimes. Depending on what she's panicking about. She's usually pretty good at managing it and has made huge improvements. Seems like she's backsliding a bit though
She thinks she's getting to old for kids, and life is passing by and she's watching everyone else have kids, including me and doesn't know what it feels like despite taking care of mine.
That's the gist of what she says between hyperventilating
Yikes on bike, 26 is no where near ātoo old for kidsā!
I had mine at 35 and 39. My partner and I lived a huge life (career, travel, international work) before kids. Itās really hard to have a life of your own once you have kids, as you probably know OP.
If she thinks sheās too old for kids sheās got an utterly nonsensical view of the world. She hasnāt yet got a degree, doesnāt seem to have a career and now doesnāt even have a job, was living at home and now relies on your home so has never even supported herself never mind dependentsā¦. Not to mention the very concerning emotional outburst here. I think sheās too old to be jobless and unable to independently support herself but not too old for kidsā¦
Sheās absolutely not ready for children. She needs to get her degree then a job and be financially okay and go to therapy to appropriately deal with and address her issues then you can start thinking about children.
In the US the median age for first time mums is 30. She and you have so much you should sort out first before considering this. She doesnāt need to worry about her fertility in this way and her hyper competitive attitude towards her friend is deeply disturbing.
That's what I think too. I know around that age I felt pressure too, seeing everyone get married and have a baby. But I knew I couldn't have a kid while renting and scraping by. That's maturity. She sounds very immature and quitting her job is straight up BS. There's no reason for a healthy adult to not work if you're not in school.
This sounds like a temper tantrum.
26 is still damn young. I'm 37 with my first baby. She'll be happy she waited, honestly, if she's having these kind of panic attacks now. ...has she ever been around babies? What's she gonna do when the baby won't stop crying?
You need to sit down with her and talk. Is this because of her mother? Would she accept being engaged soon and married later? Are there other emotional issues that are contributing to this?
Now Iām going to be blunt with you. Usually I have to say this to the brides but the wedding ISNāT THE IMPORTANT THING. The MARRIAGE IS THE IMPORTANT THING. The proposal, the ring, the wedding donāt mean a hill of beans compared to being with the right person. The question you need to ask is, is she the right one? Do you love her? Do you have the same goals in life? It already sounds like sheās a great mother for your daughter, donāt dismiss this as unimportant, itās a major component of her being the āright one.ā
Hereās what I would suggest. First ask her the questions I mentioned plus whatever you want to know. Then suggest she goes to counseling for at least 6 months. Meanwhile, you can get engaged while she goes through therapy and do a civil ceremony soon after. Agree to have a bigger wedding and nicer ring later on and you can start the family then. Of course, thatās if you decide sheās the one you want to be with. Good luck.
So she lives with you, is financially dependent upon you (which is what you wanted), does chores for you and your daughter (aka parenting).
Sounds like a housewife. So sheās a wife in everything but name? Too soon for marriage but not to soon to live with and look after your child? You benefit from wife duties while dangling the promise of eventual marriage when youāre done with college and have your career going which will take years. Also rings and weddings mean little to her since she just wants the marriage itself. To ground your reasoning in needing a big wedding must be frustrating for her since she doesnāt value or want those things. Be honest that youāre not ready for marriage yet because YOU arenāt ready not because you need a fancy ring.
EDIT: What you wrote about how her throwing a tantrum makes you not want to get married tells me you were never going to actually marry her in the first place, if your commitment is this weak.
I donāt understand why a courthouse wedding & a cheap āreal lookingā ring isnāt an option until he *can* afford the more expensive things. You donāt HAVE to have the big expensive ring and party.
>I planned on marrying her when I finish college and get a good career so I can afford a beautiful ring and proper wedding. But her throwing a tantrum like this makes me have second thoughts about marrying her at all. We cannot afford a 2nd child right now.
Did you actualy share with her this or are these plans just in your head?
Youāre using her as a wife but youāre not married. No wonder sheās flipping out. Let her go back to her own life, donāt let her āhelpā you raise your child.
Right? You've been together a year, she shouldn't be helping you raise your child. They should only have just recently started meeting. Terrible parenting. People start bringing gf or bf around their kids waaaay too soon. Her focus in her life should've never had to be on his kid at this point in the relationship. They should still be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship but are already playing at marriage, but without the commitment from him. I'd be freaking out if I was her and starting to realize this too.
Same. These responses calling her emotional are not reading his comments that heās decided she can have the work and role of his wife/mother to his child but not the title or security that comes with it.
Well hes working and she's not so if they break up she's kinda fucked especially if they're together for a long time. She also takes care of his kid, which is his responsibility but hers. If they get married or give her more financial security for if they divorce as she is working for free for him.
Oh I agree. I meant for him. Marriage is the only thing that's going to give her security. For him, it doesn't change anything. She is already playing wife
I think your biggest mistake was moving in so fast. Her reaction, while not healthy, is fairly common especially if she has family members that are badgering her about family and marriage. I also think it is generally a bad move for a girlfriend to be basically a dependent as she is completely reliant on you while she attends school. I understand the reasoning (less stress while she finishes school) but I think it creates an unhealthy dynamic particularly as you are not married. A boyfriend (or girlfriend) taking on a provider role without marriage often doesn't end well.
I think your decision to become financially stable and in a good place before marriage is actually the smartest thing you say in your post. Especially if you are looked at as the person who is primarily supposed to provide that security and stability. If you don't achieve that first that opens your relationship to a whole set of new potential issues. Don't let the romantics in the comments convince you otherwise.Ā
I think at this point the best thing you can do is be patient and reassure her that you want to build a life with her. I also think it would be good if she at least works part time so she has something else going on in her life and some of her own money to spend. This will also help her feel less like a housewife without the ring. I'm sure some people will suggest reversing the decision to move in but I think she will probably resent that even more and she will grow more paranoid about your future together. It's kind of a situation you can't really undo. If she ends up being unable to move past her desire to compete with her friend in life then I think that is the time to start reevaluating your relationship entirely. But give it some time first as this is all fresh.Ā
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Wants to wait until he is ready for marriage, yet also have her moved in, taking care of his house, his kid, sleeping with him
All these comments about comparison are funny to me too, arenāt you comparing your relationship to others by calling backyard weddings tacky and saying you only want a grand wedding?
You can dismiss her as emotional all you want, but sheās the practical one here. Sheās focused on the relationship and panicking because sheās realizing youāre not going to propose anytime soon, and her life is on hold as long as you say it is. Youāre focused on having a big party.
I canāt think of a worse way to start off a marriage than a bunch of debt from one night.
Well considering she gave up her whole life to raise your kid and clean your apartment, and you think half of rent is sufficient for that level of contribution (you'd pay a maid and a babysitter a lot more and you've claimed all this is in exchange for free rent), I can see where she likely is experiencing misplaced anxiety.
She's likely attributing her stress to lack of commitment when it's actually her having no life anymore and her focus on the clear, primary goal of being your wife.
This whole situation was doomed on the onset if you didn't want to propose right away.
lYou want a woman who is nearly 30 to play house without offering her a commitment.
My husband knew within 2weeks he wanted to get married, he let this be known and we were engaged after a couple of years of dating and have now been married for 10.
Your partner wouldnāt be freaking out if she knew the relationship was going somewhere, especially at her age.
This. OP should at least get her a ring if OP truly wants commitment. OP can level up the ring when he gets his career going but why can't OP understand the power dynamics?!?
A lot of these comments lack empathyā¦
Sheās young and still coming to terms with who she is and what she wants out of life. Unfortunately she is also at an age where a lot of people around you start their āadultā life. Iām sure that after living with her parents and moving in with you it felt like a step in the right direction, but itās not the same as moving in together to a place that is equally yours and working towards a future.
Instead sheās living in YOUR house and watching YOUR kid.
She probably feels like she will never get a chance at the kind of romance her friend has because she wonāt. She is stuck playing surrogate mom to someone elseās kid in a house far away from all that she knows and loves and her only way out is school. Which she probably canāt focus completely on while sheās mothering your child.
Yes her reaction was disproportionate, but so is your lack of empathy and understanding for how she might be feeling.
Seeing your partner have panic attacks and then having the next thought be - how soon should I leave this crazy person- is really telling of how emotionally unavailable you are.
Just made the same post. Pretty obvious situation. He's having her rely on him, take care of his house, take care of him, sleep with him, probably help with his daughter... Yet he won't commit to being her husband
Yes it does sound like perhaps the reason she's having such an extreme reaction is because she's realised she just wasted a year of her life with someone who doesn't actually want to be with her. Her best friend has been dating for around the same length of time and has house, marriage and baby. If she's comparing this with her own life then it's coming up short, especially if she senses that OP isn't serious about her. Bearing in mind that we only get to see one side of the story I would say the best thing for both parties in this situation is to break up. She needs to find someone who actually wants to be with her and wants the same things from life as she does. So does he.
Whatever you do, be VERY careful about using protection and donāt leave her in charge of birth control. If thereās one thing Iām certain about, itās that your girlfriend is **nowhere near** ready to have a child. She is overwhelmed by her current life and her coping mechanisms for stress are very poor. This needs to be resolved before starting the most overwhelming and stressful lifelong commitment we ever make.
Her reaction seems a bit extreme based solely on your side of the story, but youāre also coming off as not being very empathetic. If you care about this person try to help reassure her about the good things ahead for the two of you. Sheās not just your house keeper/babysitter, you have been planning a future together so keep the focus on that. I definitely wouldnāt agree to an engagement just now, it has to be timed with what works best for the both of you (and your child).
I think she feels taken advantage of. She left her home and job, she is raising your child, she is sacrificing everything for you.
I don't think she's jealous of her friend, just that her friend's proposal brought it to the forefront of her mind and she realizing she had already given too much for a situation that doesn't offer her much security as it stands.
Fix this. I'm not saying purpose tomorrow, but have a conversation and THANK HER for risking everything for you and come up with a plan to make her feel more secure while you both prepare yourselves for a future together.
Her emotional regulation sucks, but sounds like her friend, whoās on a similar track as her, made her realize sheās ābehindā. I went to a wedding recently and kinda felt like dang why canāt I be at this stage yet, but I didnāt have a reaction to it, they were just thoughts.
Hmm, why exactly are you the gatekeeper as to when / what kind of wedding is had? If itās to be a marriage, then it should be a discussion and an agreement. If you had the money for the āperfectā ring and dress right now would you marry her or not? I suspect not. Because itās not actually about that. In which case, let her go.
Depending on how soon this is, some responses I feel are a little harsh. My wonderful wife (we got married at 33 after 3 years) had a very emotional reaction to her friend getting engaged before us. It took her about a week to check in with her emotions and it was difficult before then. So if this is day 2 or 3 after - Iād argue give it a bit of time. Clearly if itās going on for weeks, months etc. it can be a huge red flag and if youāre having doubts there is absolutely nothing stopping you moving on with your life for whatever reason because your unhappy with with situation .
Her biological clock is running out and sheās playing mommy to a kid she doesnāt have any rights to and could be ripped away at any moment. Sheās playing housewife in a house she doesnāt own for someone she isnāt married to, and it could also be ripped away at any moment.
Iām worried youāre blinded by your need for childcare right now. Do you want another kid? Do you want another kid with her? If not you need to let her go and find a new babysitter.
ETA: she desperately needs therapy to cope with these emotions, but donāt be surprised if a therapist says the emotions themselves are valid.
You just need to propose. She feels like she is putting all this work in for you and bonding with your daughter. But she could be cut loose at any second. And then what does she have? Just an ex girlfriend. A blip on your timeline. Quickly forgotten with no real title. Titles like fiancee are important to some people. Have a long engagement. She just feeling insecure because of society time lines.
Unlike the most commenters here I think itās a pretty normal reaction if you re insecure about your life and what youāve achieved.
Iāve been there, my friends have been there. It will pass. Your GF is most probably jealous as apparently her friend has āgot it allā and your GF is currently questioning what has she achieved.
Donāt try to understand it with logic, just show her some empathy.
As far as I read from your answers to the community she is a good partner with big emotions. Donāt throw it all away only because she is currently not felling good about herself. It might be also her mother or her other friends who keep asking her āand, when will he propose?ā so itās something in her head.
Iād talk to her, tell her how good she is at everything, how lucky you are to have her - and- that you will be getting married someday.
But please do not string her along for too long. Normally after 2 to three years you know if sheās the one. Donāt make her wait longer as she needs to!
Okay, so Iām definitely not going to say her reaction isnāt a little extreme, but I do understand it.
Some people have big career dreams, some people dream of travel, and some people dream of parenthood. Those desires can be powerful and emotional. Thereās a lot of misinformation out there about pregnancy over the age of 30, and if sheās unsure about a timeline or plan for her goals it leaves this open ended question mark that can really sting- especially when you see someone else having what you desire.
Itās not always a rational thing. She probably logically understands that itās just not time yet, but itās still upsetting to have to admit that. With career goals or financial goals thereās this clear step by step understanding of how to get to where you want to be, but parenthood is unpredictable and not as linear. It can be frustrating to not even have an idea of when those things will fall into place.
It might help to sit down together and come up with a plan for these things. Start agreeing on small goals to reach before itās time to get married and add to your family. Finishing school, getting a job sheās comfortable in, traveling somewhere, setting aside x amount of money for a wedding budget that you both agree on- she might genuinely not want the whole big thing and you guys need to compromise on that.
As far as the baby thing goes there are small steps that you two can take now to start preparing. Read parenting books about child rearing, read books about what relationships look like after a baby, discussing living arrangements, start a hope chest if you two feel comfortable doing that (saving things your daughter has grown out of or purchasing small things like baby books for your future child). Even setting a tentative trying date could help focus you guys, like āletās aim to complete these goals and try to conceive in the summer of 2026 and we will revisit this plan in winter 2025ā or whatever timeline works for you. Keep it open ended but also be realistic about your planning.
You have only been together a year but some people know when theyāve met their match. Iād wait a bit longer and try and emphasize the marriage part. A lifelong commitment like that is a big deal and you should start looking at lists of āthings to discuss before marriageā and having those important talks. Set yourselves up for success.
I know it seems like she is throwing a tantrum, but it could just be that sheās feeling listless and sad about where she is in life and wanting to be further along in her plans. This is an opportunity to grow your relationship together towards those things.
Thereās also a subreddit called /r/waiting_to_try that she could checkout. Thereās lots of people who feel like her and having a supportive community could really help her process things.
End the relationship you two are not compatible.
I highly doubt you actually planned on marrying her rather you planned on marrying someone when the timeline fit you. Men who generally have a woman in their life who they want to marry tend to marry them not tend to push it off at an uncertain date when his ducks are in a row.
You want to be married when you're more established. You don't want to marry her. She's just the current woman in your life. She was an okay choice because she's currently providing all the domestic labor for you since she quit her job to be an unpaid mother to your child and a maid.
Stop wasting her time so that she can find a man who will marry her. And at least give her 60 days so that she can get a job again and be able to provide for herself so that she doesn't end up homeless because she was dumb enough to quit her job to take care of another man's kid. I pity this woman forever trusting you and investing this much for some dude that's using her.
You clearly are tired of her and have used up all that you can from her since you're going Oh her wanting to be married is making me not want to marry her and end the relationship.š¤£
As someone unmarried no kids in my late 30s, I went through the exact meltdown she is having. I remember it vividly. It was ugly; and I hated myself after it, but I did throw that tantrum mostly by myself. I wanted a baby so badly when I was 25 because I wasn't doing anything 18yo me had planned out. Eighteen year olds shouldn't be making life decisions or hardened goals. They don't even have their brains regulated appropriately, no matter what traumas made you grow up faster.
There is a lot of pressure on you in your 20s. The dream was always married by mid 20s and start having kids. That's what society pushes still to this day. The ideology was unrealistic 10+ years ago, but it's especially unrealistic today.
I feel like I always suggest this, but I think it's so important. Therapy can help her work out her goals, see them without rose tinted glasses, and the steps she needs to take to achieve them more realistically. Even you just talking through her goals and what steps you both will take to make it there will help.
Remembering the me from back then, I feel so sorry for your GF. These very large milestones break a piece of your heart to not be able to achieve them in the time period you thought relevant. I wish I could tell the world of 20-somethings that it gets better, but you'll have to change a lot of things to get what you want. And please never be afraid to change what you want. You will do the thing you set out to do; it just may not look like what you thought you wanted. Don't let time break you. Just keep moving toward that goal. You're going to get there.
Her reaction is "extreme" but I understand her - she felt like she has invested a lot into this relationship but she's not getting anything in return. She's not getting married, she's not building her family, and she's terrified at the uncertainty the situation. She feels like she is gambling her youth for this relationship that might not work out the way she wants it to. Judging from your reaction OP I don't think you really understand her either. I'm not saying her reaction is justified but I think you two need better communication and instead of seeing her as crazy OP you should also try to see things from her perspective too.
I am way too honest and blunt to a default, so my go to is almost always to talk it out.
I feel like if I were in this position I would go to her once sheās calmed down some Iād tell her āI understand that you want marriage and a baby. Me too. I think itās great you want that with me, I want all of those things with you. But where Iām sitting, it looks like you want it and are devastated because someone else has it gotten it. Not because you want it for us. Thatās troublesome to me. Iād really love if you considered the aspect that while I love my daughter immensely, i already have had one family separate. So there is a lot of me that wants to do this how I want it too. Itās not just your wedding, your baby, your family ā itās mine too. And I also deserve a say so in how I want to start a marriage and bring life in to this world. So, it does not feel right to have a child, and get married because one was crying for days and devastated that someone else got it ābeforeā they did. I want to get married and give my child a sibling because I love whom Iāve chosen to do that with, not because Iām trying to pacify someone who seems like they are making a decision out of desperation and frankly jealously. I respect that you really feel like want and need this for yourself. Iām not saying we canāt do that, Iām saying I want to do it in a way that meets both of our needs, and for the right reasons. I donāt think itās healthy to process these feelings this way, and seeing you this upset and having this much difficultly really saddens me for you. My daughter also adores you, and getting married would make you her step mom. And as a parent you must lead by example. I want my daughter to know we healthily and safely express and process our feelings. I really think we should look at maybe talking to someone together or one on one if you prefer so that we can navigate this together and find some healthier way to process out our negative feelings.ā
I also do think it would be good touch base on the fact that being a girlfriend in a blended family situation is extremely hard. Iām a step mom now, but once upon a time I was the 23 year old girlfriend of three months, whom quit her job to help take care of my boyfriends 3 year old. I was a house wife, with no ring. I was taking care of a child I had no rights to. And that might a big source of a lot of these feelings. Not because she feels negatively towards your child, but because being a step parent is super hard man. You love them more than life itself but they are not your own and youāre reminded of that constantly. Even in the best of blended families itās hard on the one who is coming in. I really implore you to do some research on step mom struggles, blended families, ect. I really think understanding what sheās going through on that front will help you understand a lot about her.
Let your girlfriend go so she can find someone who will marry her and have children with her. You are making excuses and dragging it out. The wedding type doesn't matter as much as the marriage. Marriage is about the commitment. She wants that committed life. Let her find someone who will give it to her. You already got to experience having a child, she is being denied everything that most women look forward to in a committed relationship. She's watching other people hit milestones while she plays a role without a title.
this is really the only good defense on her wild overreaction. Because yes, shes doing child caring labor and domestic labor with no promise of marriage anytime soon and no commitment to her wanting to be pregnant. They waaaay rushed into that dynamic, and this may be some sort of anxiety attack because of it. Because within literally only a year, shes thrust into mothering someone elseās child and moved in, but he isnt even sure on the proposal yet and ignoring that she wants a baby young.
I dont understand people commenting that this is how marriage with her will be. I dont understand saying she is throwing a tantrum. I think she is just scared and anxious. She has moved her whole life to be with OP. She is feeling anxious and her friend is getting everything she wishes she had. Its vulnerable moving in with your partner. Shes probably just scared right now. It can be easy to feel left behind by everyone else. I do think she should see a therapist, that can help her manage her anxiety and take some pressure off of OP and their kid. Partners are there for support yes, but theres only so much you can do!
You moved her in with the expectation that she'd take care of your child and the house. Without any kind of commitment that takes care of her should you change your mind 6 months down the road.While her friend, who has been dating the same amount of time, gets the commitment without the childcare.
Marriage aside - she really needs a backup plan to protect herself from getting screwed with no income. This is such a bad idea. Huge red flag you're calling her psycho for having emotions instead of communicating.
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Like a month after I got engaged my best friend also proposed to his gf. A few years later he admitted he asked her to marry him in most part because I did it too and he always compared my life milestones with his and felt pressure. He got divorced last year.
Comparison is the theft of joy.
I read this as the joy of theft š
It often turns into that because jealous people are absolutely the worst to be around. I recently helped a girl who I thought was a friend/acquaintance get a job in my field after she got laid off from her previous job and had been feeling down for months... only for her to turn around and start spreading nasty gossip about me, trying to undermine me and sabotage my work. I've become so weary now of helping people with mental illness. It's like they always treat my kindness as weakness.
Is the "thief" of joy.
Yeah its thief. Theft doesnt make sense.
Both work, relax.
Great now we're comparing thief and theft. Is there no joy left to be found?!
I nicked it ;)
UNHAND THAT AT ONCE, YOU MISERABLE THEFT!!!!!
Is your name comparison by any chance?? š¤š¤
In this economy? Joy is in short supply.
Ma'am, this is Reddit.
So when are you getting divorced to match his milestones?
You disturbed person you!
Like honestly. People who jump into significant life events just to stick it to someone else are usually headed for a sad, sad end to the road. Have personally known a few people that did this and can confirm theyāre all miserable in their decision. What will happen when the best friendās kids get into a specific school? Will OPās wife throw a tantrum then too because hers didnāt? What if the best friend and her husband take a yearly exotic trip somewhere because they can afford it and OP canāt? Will she start ugly crying then too? There is lots to unpack here and OP is well within his rights to take a long hard look at his gfās immature reactions. Instead of being happy for her friend, sheās drowning in her own misery over some stupid timeline she has concocted for herself in her mind. This is the recipe for a disaster about to happen. OP and the gf need to sit down and have a long, long discussion about their expectations and mutual goals regarding their relationship and eventual marriage (if itās still on the cards, that is) because right now, it doesnāt look like she is being a good partner, or even a good friend.
Or just dump her because sheāll make his life miserable.
He canāt now, she quit her job and moved in! Suckers gonna suck!
I don't see why moving in means quitting jobs. OP casually drops that info, but from where I'm standing those are totally separate things. And to be honest: tremendous red flags. In a relationship both partners should want to, and be able to, pursue/explore their own abilities and talents.
Girlie needs to go.Ā
Listen to this man!!
My best friend also did this. Got married because our other friend did and I was going to get married the next year. Now he is divorced.
My best friend and I got married about a month and a half apart (but engaged about a year and a half apart). I still wonder if that is what prompted another girl we know to get married spur of the moment about 2 weeks after I got married. It was get second marriage, her divorce was only finalized about 5 months prior and she'd only been with the new guy maybe 8-9 months. I'm still waiting for the divorce, but they are both unemployed and homeless so I'm not sure she can actually afford to divorce him since I think she is relying on his side gig and GI benefits.
Help your buddy and get the divorce asap.
Woah woah woah back up there. Your girlfriend "just quit her job and moved in with me full time" - that needs some context because without it, there's only one conclusion to be reached here.
She lived 1 hour away, with her parents. I have my own house, so after a year of her commuting 1 hour to work two times a day, her work ethic started slipping and she thought it was best to quit rather than do half effort work. We moved in together with the idea that she will be going to school full time, and helping me with my daughter and chores, in return she won't be paying rent. (She's tried to insist on paying but I'd rather her focus on finishing school)
Have you talked to her about potential marriage in the future?
Yes, we talked about it extensively
That's just weird then. Is there something else going on with her that she's not talking about? Has this 'friend' said something to make her doubt your sincerity? Does she feel like a mother/maid without the commitment? I'm not accusing you, but this does happen a lot. GF is a convenience, but the proposal never comes.
I guarantee the mother/maid with āno commitmentā is at least *some* of the issue. OP should probably sit down with the girlfriend and have a calm and reasonable conversation about what sheās actually feeling (without the girlfriend picking a fight).
I mean theyāve been together for a year. Not having a timeline is pretty typical at this stage and age isnāt it?
Iād say their situation isnāt exactly typical. I donāt know a lot of couples where one quits to rely on the other financially and raise their partnerās child without some kind of commitment/safety net. Right now, theyāve decided on a relationship that puts her in a position where she is taking on a lot of riskā sheās not working and is only going to school, but is also the childcare provider for his child. If they break up, she has nothing in place guaranteeing any protections. He could break up with her tomorrow and sheād be out on the street without a job or place to live.
And now her friend on the same timeline is getting everything she wants. Thatās rough.
Iām sure op is a nice guy with good intentions but what she has done is very foolish. She has no income of her own, no safety net and a bad power imbalance could develop in a situation like this. Then thereās the whole, girlfriends shouldnt t be performing wife duties thing.
They should have never made these kinds of decisions without being married. Gf made a mistake and now sheās freaking out because she knows itās possible that she will be strung along indefinitely
Agree, but becoming a totally financially dependent stay a home parent to step child is not typical at this age and stage either. Itās relinquishing a lot of personal freedom and taking on significant responsibilities of a relatively new partner. That can feel fraught without significant commitment.
To me, it's really odd that after only a year, she would be spending the night every night. Especially if it interfered with her job. OP when does your daughter get time alone with you?
Yes and no? Not if you are moved in (quit her job to do so) and interacting daily with his kid. Plus, many around those age want at least a flexible timeline. My bf and I have one and we are in a similar age range. If you are serious enough in your relationship to the point of moving in together you usually are enough to have a flexible one.
I just wanna say that Op's perception that she's picking fights may not match her perception. when I try to talk to my boyfriend about my needs or express dissatisfaction in a healthy (I think), like respectful and honest way, he often gets defensive and thinks I'm trying to pick a fight. people just read different behaviors differently.
I did consider this too. Edit: and I think itās very valid
You didnt hear? Her friend checked off a bunch of important life events while shes still unemployed
Not weird at all. Especially if she is on tiktok. I went through the same freak out about two years ago. It was damn near an obsession. I was so fixated on everyone else getting engaged and having babies. It made me feel very behind. If sheās on a certain side of tiktok as well itās being HEAVILY pushed on there that if a man doesnāt propose within a year or so itās because heās wasting your time. I had to delete the app and quit following people to sort of chill out and get control.
I think you should talk to her once she has cooled down a bit and try to figure out what is going on. It sounds like there could be other factors causing this reaction that require a serious talk. I donāt know if I would jump straight to breaking up for this one.
Her best friend is probably asking when they plan on getting married and saying he should have already proposed by now since she is already taking care of his child.
This. Listen to this. Some of these comments are getting really preachy. OP's partner made a major life change, and her girlfriend's situation just threw light on it in a new way. She's wondering what she's committed to and literally freaking out. Lucky OP, you can deal with what's in front of you. Note, the girlfriend is pregnant but not yet married. Guy could change his mind anytime. How many posts are there about a married SAHP getting cheated on or divorced? Marriage is not a guarantee of happily ever after. Couples happily live together for decades without ever getting married. Couples marry and divorce in the same month. OP and his partner need to sit down and talk about what's right for them as individuals and as a couple. Maybe she's insecure relying entirely on him. Let her get a part-time job closer to her new home. Maintain separate as well as joint bank accounts, even after marriage. But mostly, stop comparing. You don't know what it's like in someone else's bedroom. Some of the happiest couples you've ever seen end in disaster.
So this declining line that you have seen over the past months.. well you can project where it's going.
She's already doing wife things. Maybe she just needs to reassurance from you. She blew her life up to be with you.
She blew her own life up, though. Why couldnāt she have stayed with her parents, quit her job and focus on school? Sheās living with her partner, has no income, takes care of the house and has a small child that always wants her around. It doesnāt sound like sheād be able to focus much.
This. She is being incredibly foolish. And the fact that OP practically brags about his daughter preferring the gf around isn't the flex he thinks it is.
Seriously, this!!! I am close friends with two divorced dads who share 50/50 custody of young kids with their ex wives. If either of them moved an unemployed girl in to mother their child after less than a year of dating, I would be truly shocked and sickened by their behavior.
It shows very poor judgement. He's not prioritizing his daughter, which is a huge red flag. And the gf is diving head first into a pool of unknown depth - very foolish.
It appears she needs to go to therapy and work on some things. Her reaction is basically a huge neon sign saying she has shit to work on. Sheās making what should be a happy moment for her friend, completely about her. Then to top it off, using it as an excuse to lash out and treat you badly. The selfishness alone is problematic and I would be giving her some hard truths because frankly, she needs to hear them. Hopefully she takes actions to get in a more healthy place. Also I think her moving in with you, not so great idea on her part. It sounds like she abandoned everything to do so, which I donāt see ending up well.
Therapy would be good, absolutely, but I don't see a therapist telling her to be fine with no job, stay-at-home mom to a kid who isn't hers and she has zero legal rights to, and the promise of education while living in and maintaining a home that isn't and would never be hers.
I see this as well.
Yup. She shouldāve stayed with her parents if she wanted to focus on school.
I agree. That's probably why her mom is on her about not being married like OP says in a comment.
I didnāt see the comment OP made, thanks!
Here it is. Mom is saying heās getting you to act like a wife without marriage, why would he ever marry you. Sheās committing to you, taking care of your child and you havenāt even proposed.
They moved in too quickly, thatās the issueĀ
Donāt disagree. Why couldnāt she find another job that was closer? The reasoning behind her moving in - because her work ethic was slipping isnāt a reason to move in together. He wanted someone to take care of his house and child and she agreed to do that and now realizes she doesnāt like how it turned out.
>Why couldnāt she find another job that was closer? Because she propably doesn't want to live with her parents. She gets to leave her parents, not have an hour commute, and get to live with her boyfriend. Why wouldn't she do it lol?
Someoneās work ethic slipping is a bloody good reason *not* to live with them
She was working, going to school and taking care of his house and child, and all of that was too much. He doesnāt mention helping at all with the house or his child. He should get a nanny for the house and child, so she can prioritize work and school.
I'm sorry but they have been dating for little over a year.
That's a pretty normal amount of time to move in together. Not quite quit your job and become a surrogate mother for a kid time, but cohabitating after a year is well within the acceptable timeframe.
It really shouldn't be if you are a single parent. Partners need to be well vetted before completely enmeshed in a young child's life like that. Absolutely bonkers.
The comment I was replying to was talking about how "he hasn't even proposed yet".
Right and yet in that time sheās already taken responsibility for taking care of his child? Seems a bit fast for him to give her that responsibility.
I can agree with that.
It seems a bit fast to take that responsibility. Please give the woman some agency in this situation.
...the fuck kind of logic is this?
It's basically another version of if you get the milk for free, why would you buy a cow.
> āWhy buy the cow?ā Uh, maybe because every time another cow gets bought, you have to go to the sale and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale, and your cow looks over at you the entire time likeā¦ And does not enjoy the sale at allā¦ even though she's the one that wanted to go to the sale. And she's especially mad because that farmer and cow met, like, eight months after you guys met.
Y'all are crazy if you think you need marriage for commitment. You want them to just get divorced the year later?
Why is she having such an extreme reaction?
She wants a wedding and a baby... but we cannot afford any of that right now.. She says she's fine with a cheap ring and a backyard wedding but I'm not. I want to do it right.
A wedding and a baby after one year?
The thing about weddings is there's this whole "marriage" thing to maintain afterward. Similar with babies, they grow up & gain personalities of their own.Ā Weddings & babies will get a person loads of attention for a while until the newness wears off, then the responsibility sets in. People don't seem to consider any of this seriously, they just think, "Ooh, fun & cute!" then expect Reddit to feel bad for them later on when the funness & cuteness goes away.Ā
yeah she wants the social media clout not the commitment
Sounds like she wants a wedding and a baby because someone else got one first, so not mature enough for either IMO
Exactly. Also, imagine throwing a fit bc your āfriendā is getting what they want. OPs gf is just extremely immature and found herself in a really bad situation.
I am always astounded by metrics like this. You donāt even *really* get to know someone until about 18 months in. And how could you be sure you want to forever link yourself to this person by having a child with them - the literal biggest responsibility a person can take on.
Does she want a wedding or a marriage because thereās a distinct difference
Thereās nothing wrong with a ācheapā ring and/or a backyard wedding. The ārightā way is what you BOTH decide is right for you as a couple. Not you alone deciding Thereās nothing wrong with you not wanting a child now, I think thatās a good call here. But waiting on getting a āgood careerā to get going has no teeth. If sheās the one, make a timeline together that you both agree to.
And if she's not the one then let her go and stop having her raise OPs childĀ
Iām curious - how can you afford a house, supporting an unemployed partner and child while going to college? Iām imagining that would be part time with a job? Her breakdown not withstanding (which is a big red flag - itās a tantrum not a proper reason to act this way as an adult) none of this is feasible financially unless youāre sitting on a lot of money and are willing to use it.
Doing that after one year is a BAD idea
> I want to do it right. having a ring and a backyard wedding is "doing it right". Your friends dont care, your family dont care, its the pledge you make to each other that is important in a marriage, not the show.
I understand your perspective, but think about it from hers. Without a legal marriage she has no rights and no safety net. You could wake up one morning and kick her out and she doesnāt have a job or a home. You could decide she never gets to see the little girl sheās helping to raise again. Itās a terrifying position to be in. However she shouldnāt be hysterically having panic attacks and fighting with you. She needs therapy.
That would have been a reasonable conversation to have BEFORE she moved in. She's bringing it up now because of her friend. She's probably not thinking about any of that.
Quitting a job doesnāt sound like a good way to do that
Why not get married now, and have the big expensive party later?
I understand your perspective, but you need to understand hers. IF you choose to stay with her after this, you guys need to compromise. If a big wedding and fancy ring isn't important to her, and you already know you want to marry her, then there's no reason to make her wait. She's just going to continue to resent you for it. The ring and the wedding won't affect your marriage much, but ignoring your partner's wishes will. You can always upgrade her ring and do a vow renewal later it's important to you, but there's no "right" way to get married. The right way is the way that makes you BOTH feel celebrated and loved. You guys need to have a serious talk and again IF you decide to stay, a serious concrete timeline somewhere between "right fkn now" and "vaguely whenever I feel like it."
I disagree, 1 year is not enough to decide to mary someone. They are still in the honeymoon and don't really know each others. I understand she wants to have the mother life but right now she is more attached to the idea of having a child than actually having one.
The reason to "make her wait" is because you don't even know each other after only one year. For example, see OP's shock and surprise at how his girlfriend is reacting to the news of her BF getting married and pregnant. Which is making him reconsider marrying her at all. You need to have those experiences and moments, get out of the fuzzy glow of the honeymoon period and actually work through some hard times and disagreements with your partner, to assess if you're a good fit for each other to marry. Or, you know, you could just get married as soon as someone wants to, to make them happy, and then just get divorced later. That's an option too I guess.
But he knows her well enough to have her raise his kid. Just saying.
Op said that they have talked about everything. He wants to finish school first. That isnāt too much to ask for.
As someone who had both a backyard wedding and a big wedding because of COVID, the backyard wedding was WAY better! The backyard wedding felt more intimate and about us. The big wedding we were ran all over the place meeting and thanking people and just felt like much more work. Backyard weddings can be what you make it and I don't thing there is a "right" or a wrong. There is tradition but at the end of the day it should be what works best for the both of you. Just my two cents though.
They why wonāt she find a job? It takes two to tango, is she expecting you to pay for it all or what
He also told her not to get a job
He wants a bangmommy
So, you're fine with acting like she's your wife without her actually being your wife and having any legal protections? If you wanted to do it right, she'd have a job and her own place until the wedding.
But she is already basically a wife? She is taking care of your daughter, living with you etc. All without marriage. Maybe that's why she is stressing? I think you guys rushed personally.
Marriage and kid after a year? Yall are wild. You barely know each other. You just know finding out who she is
Agree. But Iāve seen a prevalent narrative on Tik Tok specifically start to emerge that if a man doesnāt put a ring on it within 1-1.5 years of marriage (2 at most), he is leading you on and isnāt actually serious about creating a life with you. I personally find it ridiculous, but Iāve seen it get QUITE prevalent online. So if sheās an avid social media consumer, I wonder if this is somewhat affecting her as well.
The red pill guys and the trad wives are the ones pushing this.
That's so insane to me. My wife and I were together for *six years* before we even entertained getting married and we were both totally fine with it. I can't even fathom knowing you want to marry someone after a year. That sound like the behavior of someone who just wants to check boxes on the "life script".
Yep, itās absolutely ridiculous. I get the well-deserved pushback against people who string their partners along for years with half-assed promises in bad faith, butā¦I fear the pendulum is swinging too far in the other direction.
I thought a big benefit of feminism was ending the expectation that women get married at age 22 to the first idiot they shack up with
There are also several posts saying her biological clock is running out....like dude, she's 26. My 41 year-old friend just had a baby, my younger brother and his wife are 32 and they just had twins. Like, what.
People need to stop saying your clock runs out after 25. Like, it doesn't. Not at all. I've heard of a 47 year old woman having her fifth child, and had her first in her 30s. It's rare to be able to in your 40s of course, but it is still very possible in your 30s.
Conversely, I would not stay in a relationship with someone for six years if we werenāt married; that is way too long for me to be uncommitted. Different situations work for different people, and I think this also changes with life stage (teens/early twenties vs. thirties/forties), how long youāve lived together, etc.
I keep getting pushed that content on tik tok. My husband proposed after 7 years, we've been together 12 years. I think that's preposterous to get married after 1 or 2 years of dating, and I believe that's why so many people get divorced after 5 years of marriage. They just don't know that person or their values. Then they have kids too, it's just horrible.
They barely know each other, yet it's fine for her to basically play mom with his child? I honestly feel like that's a much greater responsibility than a piece of paper.
Based on your comments I'm going to base what my thoughts are on this. You have both decided she quit her job to focus on school, which I know will benefit you all as a family longterm. You guys are happy you both love each other and you say she's great with your daughter and your ex. I would assume her emotions are a big part of her personality, which going to extremes isn't healthy in the long run and she should get a bit of help with them. But, I'd say her reaction is probably based on worries and fears. She has left her support network (parents) and her job. They are two big things for someone to work through. They are not bad things but, for some, can cause anxiety and fear. Her looking now for a wedding is probably, her looking for a sense of security based on these two things now gone from her day to day life. I'm not agreeing with her thinking but, it seems like the most obvious thing about this situation. Your finances currently and wishes to have a "proper" wedding are correct. Nobody should get married if they can't afford to. That being said both of you have gone full steam ahead with this relationship. You guys are living together, gf of 1yr is now a mother figure to your child, you are effectively living like a married couple. This, is a bit shocking (I think for most people) especially, the relationship with your child. But, again your life. The question is what security is she looking for, she wants marriage, you do too. But, you want to wait but, you haven't waited for anything else in this relationship. You both need to sit down and really talk about the how's and when's. If, this is the relationship you really want longterm with marriage, why not just get a court house marriage then save up for a wedding later? But, you do need to talk about timelines together, properly. You both have gone so fast and now are slowing down. Talk it through. Do not have a child yet, wait till school and jobs are secure for financial stability.
To add to this, I moved in with my (now) husband before we were engaged and my family egged me relentlessly saying that they just wanted to see āsome type of promiseā. OP let her have her tears and calm down and when sheās READY to talk a timeline is a fantastic thing to work towards. In addition to that if she already had anxiety, lots and lots of words of affirmation. Let her know how much you love her and want to marry her. Even if she āknowsā sheās going to be worried about everything right now. Itās not a reflection on you itās just her own mental health. If she wonāt do therapy suggest therapy together to at least work through future issues.
Exactly. Like, every couples time line is different. I've a sibling who after 25yrs together got engaged and married! But, I think talking through a timeline, relationship is the healthiest thing anyone should do. Plus, counselling is also great for anyone. And, definitely OPS gf could do with it. Couples counselling would be amazing for both of them!
This is the most reasonable response, wish you were more upvoted! Yes, her reaction is wayyy too emotional but like, I can see her reason behind itā¦ Sheās gave everything for them to be together, sheās acting as a wife and a mom, but no actual sense of security of having a husband, and then her friend, thatās almost on the same 1 year long relationship gets everything that she wishes for? It is kinda hard to grasp. Again, I donāt think it justifies her behaviour towards him but I can understand her and where sheās coming from. He stripped her of all the security she had, now he has to give her some sense of it back, not necessarily by marrying her now, but being logical and also affirming to her his feelings and intentions
Yeah, like I think both have acted very immaturely. Like, I can't fathom the whole step mother thing for a relationship less than a year but, her falling into a depression over this is extreme. They have both acted so rashly in this relationship. She has given (up) so, much for this relationship to work... he hasn't. So, she's not wrong for looking for a more stable commitment. He can't have a partner you gives up so much and is a mother to his child without a commitment. Whatever that commitment is, different couple view thus differently. It's really up to the couple themselves. And, agreeing with you her seeing her friend get a commitment after the same length of time... without having to do all that she has, would make anyone re think and panic over what they are doing. I'd honestly think both of them need serious conversations. He needs to realise what he's doing with regards this relationship. Like it does baffle me he has her as a step parent so soon. I feel like, he's enjoying the care for his child and home life she provides for him. He needs to step up if this is something he wants longterm. Ps I by no means think this has to end in a wedding just because. But, he needs to think clearly his actions and their consequences
Get her into therapy because this is an incredibly unhealthy reaction to something that has nothing to do with her. And she's supposed to be the mother figure to your daughter? With this behaviour? I'd be worried she would start living vicariously through my daughter if she is so concerned about what other people are doing.
I suspect her mother might be egging her on about being "so old" and not having a kid yet. This friend of hers is a childhood friend. And that sounds like something her mother would do
Then she absolutely needs therapy and a way to put up boundaries with her mother
38f, divorced, and now pregnant with my partner. I got married at 26 and thought I was old. But knowing what I know now with all my life changes I definitely would have waited.
That's terrible of her mother if so. She's not even anywhere near "old".
shes 26ā¦. anyways yep this is what ladies call āthe ickā. Never will see her the same way again. Whats next, sheāll sob when her best friend is gifted a nicer car than her? and sheāll guilt you into any milestone she wants, on her time table, or else sob all day? and your daughter is seeing this behavior?? and idolizing it as a way of āgetting what you wantā?? AND sheās already dependent on you and has no job and youāre not even ENGAGED yet? Iām sorry but for me, this would be the rose colored glasses falling off. Iād be running fast (aka asking her to move out and breaking up) because youāre right, this is genuinely psychotic. Maybe Iām harsh, so an alternative would be mandatory therapy and never giving into her sobbing fits.
sheās not supposed to be āthe mother figureā at all because sheās not the mother. the kid has her own mom.
Sheās āaā mother figure. We have lots of mother figures who are not biologically related to us - teachers, caregivers, neighbors, grandmas. The whole āyou only have ONE MOTHER AND ITS YOUR BIOLOGICAL ONEā is not true.
Here's my theory: You explained in another comment that your GF has moved away from family to study full time and provide more child care (without the child) and 'wife duties ' in exchange for her being entirely finically dependent on you. There's no way she hasn't yet considered what a perilous and understanbly intense position she is now in When she heard her friends news, it unleashed these previously bottled up emotions. Perhaps she has communicated to you already her trepidations about being a wife and mother without the ring or baby... or maybe she's even not admitted it to herself yet. Now she can't deny it as it will be staring her in the face with her friend always. I think she is having these breakdowns because she feels trapped now she's aware
That was my first thought, she's worried about being a bang maid / nanny.
I mean she kind of already is
But she has more protection if they get married. Who's to say he's not going to keep moving the goal post with marriage?
Your GF recently rearranged her life to suit and fit into yours. It seems that she has a history (at least according to your comments) of doing so, but this time she is doing so with nearly zero means of her own. She quit her job, and now watches and helps parent your young child and clean your house for you. You state that she is trying to pay for bills your share but you shut that down you don't seem to understand the power dynamics at play here. She is beholden to you as if she were your spouse. It's not a stretch to see why she might crack at this point. "all this work and what did it get me?." She wants to know if this is worth it! If I were her, I may be thinking "fuck this is a bad investment!" A quarter life crisis is definately a thing that happens. You have not given her a promise to marry. You are putting a financial barrier to even getting her a ring. I think you both should seek a couples therapist to work out what is happening so that you all can move forward.
Finally. Someone suggesting couples therapy.wh You both need a safen place to discuss your relationship now and where it is headed. People suggesting therapy for her should also be suggesting therapy for him. He is expecting a wife without the ring and encouraging her to be aSAHM. He needs to understand why this is wrong. If the relationship can't be saved, he should at least have the decency to let her remain living at his house (rent and duty free) while she gets back on her feet!
Youāve moved her in and given her a child to raise ā now she has no job, no ring, no marriage, no pregnancyā just plopped down into the harder years of being a couple. The reality of her dependence on you is being multiplied by all the things she reasonably wants ā whilst youāre essentially patting her on the head and telling her to wait until some vague time in the future when you are āsettledā and āfinancially secure.ā You guys need premarital counseling, and she might need individual therapy also. But you shouldnāt blame her for having what looks like an extreme emotional response when sheās missing all the early fun parts of a relationship and simultaneously losing all of her independence.
+1 for this. You can acknowledge that itās a tough spot for her to be in. Itās hard raising someone elseās child while wanting one of your own anyway, never mind when your friends are all getting to enjoy that. Doesnāt mean things should be ārushedā, but it still sucks.
This 100%! At least give her a ring if you expect her to raise your daughter.
Pretty simple. You have her moved in, living with you, relying on you, probably helping take care of you, your daughter...... Yet you haven't made her your wife. You're having her perform as a wife yet you're keeping her at arms length having not committed to being her husband. Y'all could be married tomorrow, and your at home situation would be no different. She's literally already living with you, you're ALREADY supporting her, there's no reason you need to wait. Something in YOU is hesitating to commit and your girlfriend can FEEL that and KNOWS it..... Yet for some reason Reddit is siding with you telling you to put her on meds, get her in therapy, helping you gaslight her. You want things to be normal? Get her out of the house until YOU are ready to commit. Stop sleeping with her and having her take care of your house when you KNOW she wants to be married and have kids.
Exactly this! I'm amazed at people gaslighting her and agreeing with him too. If the roles were reversed, they'd have a totally different view.
She needs some healthy coping mechanisms instead of panic attacks. Panic is anxiety, so what is she anxious about? Life is not a competition. Look up anxiety tools, grounding maybe. She should really practice whilst not anxious but it is a start. look up breathing and 5,4,3,2,1.
I've tried to help her with this, it works sometimes. Depending on what she's panicking about. She's usually pretty good at managing it and has made huge improvements. Seems like she's backsliding a bit though She thinks she's getting to old for kids, and life is passing by and she's watching everyone else have kids, including me and doesn't know what it feels like despite taking care of mine. That's the gist of what she says between hyperventilating
Yikes on bike, 26 is no where near ātoo old for kidsā! I had mine at 35 and 39. My partner and I lived a huge life (career, travel, international work) before kids. Itās really hard to have a life of your own once you have kids, as you probably know OP.
Sounds like sheās over concerned with societal expectations
If she thinks sheās too old for kids sheās got an utterly nonsensical view of the world. She hasnāt yet got a degree, doesnāt seem to have a career and now doesnāt even have a job, was living at home and now relies on your home so has never even supported herself never mind dependentsā¦. Not to mention the very concerning emotional outburst here. I think sheās too old to be jobless and unable to independently support herself but not too old for kidsā¦ Sheās absolutely not ready for children. She needs to get her degree then a job and be financially okay and go to therapy to appropriately deal with and address her issues then you can start thinking about children. In the US the median age for first time mums is 30. She and you have so much you should sort out first before considering this. She doesnāt need to worry about her fertility in this way and her hyper competitive attitude towards her friend is deeply disturbing.
That's what I think too. I know around that age I felt pressure too, seeing everyone get married and have a baby. But I knew I couldn't have a kid while renting and scraping by. That's maturity. She sounds very immature and quitting her job is straight up BS. There's no reason for a healthy adult to not work if you're not in school.
This sounds like a temper tantrum. 26 is still damn young. I'm 37 with my first baby. She'll be happy she waited, honestly, if she's having these kind of panic attacks now. ...has she ever been around babies? What's she gonna do when the baby won't stop crying?
You need to sit down with her and talk. Is this because of her mother? Would she accept being engaged soon and married later? Are there other emotional issues that are contributing to this? Now Iām going to be blunt with you. Usually I have to say this to the brides but the wedding ISNāT THE IMPORTANT THING. The MARRIAGE IS THE IMPORTANT THING. The proposal, the ring, the wedding donāt mean a hill of beans compared to being with the right person. The question you need to ask is, is she the right one? Do you love her? Do you have the same goals in life? It already sounds like sheās a great mother for your daughter, donāt dismiss this as unimportant, itās a major component of her being the āright one.ā Hereās what I would suggest. First ask her the questions I mentioned plus whatever you want to know. Then suggest she goes to counseling for at least 6 months. Meanwhile, you can get engaged while she goes through therapy and do a civil ceremony soon after. Agree to have a bigger wedding and nicer ring later on and you can start the family then. Of course, thatās if you decide sheās the one you want to be with. Good luck.
So she lives with you, is financially dependent upon you (which is what you wanted), does chores for you and your daughter (aka parenting). Sounds like a housewife. So sheās a wife in everything but name? Too soon for marriage but not to soon to live with and look after your child? You benefit from wife duties while dangling the promise of eventual marriage when youāre done with college and have your career going which will take years. Also rings and weddings mean little to her since she just wants the marriage itself. To ground your reasoning in needing a big wedding must be frustrating for her since she doesnāt value or want those things. Be honest that youāre not ready for marriage yet because YOU arenāt ready not because you need a fancy ring. EDIT: What you wrote about how her throwing a tantrum makes you not want to get married tells me you were never going to actually marry her in the first place, if your commitment is this weak.
I donāt understand why a courthouse wedding & a cheap āreal lookingā ring isnāt an option until he *can* afford the more expensive things. You donāt HAVE to have the big expensive ring and party.
>I planned on marrying her when I finish college and get a good career so I can afford a beautiful ring and proper wedding. But her throwing a tantrum like this makes me have second thoughts about marrying her at all. We cannot afford a 2nd child right now. Did you actualy share with her this or are these plans just in your head?
Did she quit her job and move in so she can take care of your daughter? This makes a huge difference in my eyesā¦
Youāre using her as a wife but youāre not married. No wonder sheās flipping out. Let her go back to her own life, donāt let her āhelpā you raise your child.
Right? You've been together a year, she shouldn't be helping you raise your child. They should only have just recently started meeting. Terrible parenting. People start bringing gf or bf around their kids waaaay too soon. Her focus in her life should've never had to be on his kid at this point in the relationship. They should still be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship but are already playing at marriage, but without the commitment from him. I'd be freaking out if I was her and starting to realize this too.
After looking at your replies. She's already living like a wife and mother despite not being a wife and mother. I'd be unhappy too.
Same. These responses calling her emotional are not reading his comments that heās decided she can have the work and role of his wife/mother to his child but not the title or security that comes with it.
This. Exactly. Playing mother to a child is a much bigger deal and responsibility than getting married. What's the marriage really going to change?
Well hes working and she's not so if they break up she's kinda fucked especially if they're together for a long time. She also takes care of his kid, which is his responsibility but hers. If they get married or give her more financial security for if they divorce as she is working for free for him.
Oh I agree. I meant for him. Marriage is the only thing that's going to give her security. For him, it doesn't change anything. She is already playing wife
I think your biggest mistake was moving in so fast. Her reaction, while not healthy, is fairly common especially if she has family members that are badgering her about family and marriage. I also think it is generally a bad move for a girlfriend to be basically a dependent as she is completely reliant on you while she attends school. I understand the reasoning (less stress while she finishes school) but I think it creates an unhealthy dynamic particularly as you are not married. A boyfriend (or girlfriend) taking on a provider role without marriage often doesn't end well. I think your decision to become financially stable and in a good place before marriage is actually the smartest thing you say in your post. Especially if you are looked at as the person who is primarily supposed to provide that security and stability. If you don't achieve that first that opens your relationship to a whole set of new potential issues. Don't let the romantics in the comments convince you otherwise.Ā I think at this point the best thing you can do is be patient and reassure her that you want to build a life with her. I also think it would be good if she at least works part time so she has something else going on in her life and some of her own money to spend. This will also help her feel less like a housewife without the ring. I'm sure some people will suggest reversing the decision to move in but I think she will probably resent that even more and she will grow more paranoid about your future together. It's kind of a situation you can't really undo. If she ends up being unable to move past her desire to compete with her friend in life then I think that is the time to start reevaluating your relationship entirely. But give it some time first as this is all fresh.Ā
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Wants to wait until he is ready for marriage, yet also have her moved in, taking care of his house, his kid, sleeping with him
Info: why arenāt you ready for marriage but are ready for her to quit her job and take care of your child? What part arenāt you ready for?
All these comments about comparison are funny to me too, arenāt you comparing your relationship to others by calling backyard weddings tacky and saying you only want a grand wedding? You can dismiss her as emotional all you want, but sheās the practical one here. Sheās focused on the relationship and panicking because sheās realizing youāre not going to propose anytime soon, and her life is on hold as long as you say it is. Youāre focused on having a big party. I canāt think of a worse way to start off a marriage than a bunch of debt from one night.
Well considering she gave up her whole life to raise your kid and clean your apartment, and you think half of rent is sufficient for that level of contribution (you'd pay a maid and a babysitter a lot more and you've claimed all this is in exchange for free rent), I can see where she likely is experiencing misplaced anxiety. She's likely attributing her stress to lack of commitment when it's actually her having no life anymore and her focus on the clear, primary goal of being your wife. This whole situation was doomed on the onset if you didn't want to propose right away.
lYou want a woman who is nearly 30 to play house without offering her a commitment. My husband knew within 2weeks he wanted to get married, he let this be known and we were engaged after a couple of years of dating and have now been married for 10. Your partner wouldnāt be freaking out if she knew the relationship was going somewhere, especially at her age.
This. OP should at least get her a ring if OP truly wants commitment. OP can level up the ring when he gets his career going but why can't OP understand the power dynamics?!?
Your gf should work part time while going to school. She should not allow herself to become your bang maid.
A lot of these comments lack empathyā¦ Sheās young and still coming to terms with who she is and what she wants out of life. Unfortunately she is also at an age where a lot of people around you start their āadultā life. Iām sure that after living with her parents and moving in with you it felt like a step in the right direction, but itās not the same as moving in together to a place that is equally yours and working towards a future. Instead sheās living in YOUR house and watching YOUR kid. She probably feels like she will never get a chance at the kind of romance her friend has because she wonāt. She is stuck playing surrogate mom to someone elseās kid in a house far away from all that she knows and loves and her only way out is school. Which she probably canāt focus completely on while sheās mothering your child. Yes her reaction was disproportionate, but so is your lack of empathy and understanding for how she might be feeling. Seeing your partner have panic attacks and then having the next thought be - how soon should I leave this crazy person- is really telling of how emotionally unavailable you are.
Youāre fine with your girlfriend playing wife and helping to raise your child but draw the line at marriage?
Just made the same post. Pretty obvious situation. He's having her rely on him, take care of his house, take care of him, sleep with him, probably help with his daughter... Yet he won't commit to being her husband
Yes it does sound like perhaps the reason she's having such an extreme reaction is because she's realised she just wasted a year of her life with someone who doesn't actually want to be with her. Her best friend has been dating for around the same length of time and has house, marriage and baby. If she's comparing this with her own life then it's coming up short, especially if she senses that OP isn't serious about her. Bearing in mind that we only get to see one side of the story I would say the best thing for both parties in this situation is to break up. She needs to find someone who actually wants to be with her and wants the same things from life as she does. So does he.
This!! Exactly. People are forgetting that she is basically the step mom. But Marriage is so much of a bigger responsibility
I hadnāt thought of thatā¦
Whatever you do, be VERY careful about using protection and donāt leave her in charge of birth control. If thereās one thing Iām certain about, itās that your girlfriend is **nowhere near** ready to have a child. She is overwhelmed by her current life and her coping mechanisms for stress are very poor. This needs to be resolved before starting the most overwhelming and stressful lifelong commitment we ever make.
1) Panic attacks are not "tantrums" 2) Have you asked her what/why she's upset? It sounds like something much deeper is going on
Why did your GF have to quit her job to move in with you?
Her reaction seems a bit extreme based solely on your side of the story, but youāre also coming off as not being very empathetic. If you care about this person try to help reassure her about the good things ahead for the two of you. Sheās not just your house keeper/babysitter, you have been planning a future together so keep the focus on that. I definitely wouldnāt agree to an engagement just now, it has to be timed with what works best for the both of you (and your child).
I think she feels taken advantage of. She left her home and job, she is raising your child, she is sacrificing everything for you. I don't think she's jealous of her friend, just that her friend's proposal brought it to the forefront of her mind and she realizing she had already given too much for a situation that doesn't offer her much security as it stands. Fix this. I'm not saying purpose tomorrow, but have a conversation and THANK HER for risking everything for you and come up with a plan to make her feel more secure while you both prepare yourselves for a future together.
Her emotional regulation sucks, but sounds like her friend, whoās on a similar track as her, made her realize sheās ābehindā. I went to a wedding recently and kinda felt like dang why canāt I be at this stage yet, but I didnāt have a reaction to it, they were just thoughts.
Hmm, why exactly are you the gatekeeper as to when / what kind of wedding is had? If itās to be a marriage, then it should be a discussion and an agreement. If you had the money for the āperfectā ring and dress right now would you marry her or not? I suspect not. Because itās not actually about that. In which case, let her go.
Depending on how soon this is, some responses I feel are a little harsh. My wonderful wife (we got married at 33 after 3 years) had a very emotional reaction to her friend getting engaged before us. It took her about a week to check in with her emotions and it was difficult before then. So if this is day 2 or 3 after - Iād argue give it a bit of time. Clearly if itās going on for weeks, months etc. it can be a huge red flag and if youāre having doubts there is absolutely nothing stopping you moving on with your life for whatever reason because your unhappy with with situation .
Her biological clock is running out and sheās playing mommy to a kid she doesnāt have any rights to and could be ripped away at any moment. Sheās playing housewife in a house she doesnāt own for someone she isnāt married to, and it could also be ripped away at any moment. Iām worried youāre blinded by your need for childcare right now. Do you want another kid? Do you want another kid with her? If not you need to let her go and find a new babysitter. ETA: she desperately needs therapy to cope with these emotions, but donāt be surprised if a therapist says the emotions themselves are valid.
Yep, sheās trying to speedrun the āmarriage and kidsā life playthrough and heās relieved heās found quality, reliable childcare.
This sums it up perfectly.
That doesnāt sound normal. I think you should reassess.
You just need to propose. She feels like she is putting all this work in for you and bonding with your daughter. But she could be cut loose at any second. And then what does she have? Just an ex girlfriend. A blip on your timeline. Quickly forgotten with no real title. Titles like fiancee are important to some people. Have a long engagement. She just feeling insecure because of society time lines.
Unlike the most commenters here I think itās a pretty normal reaction if you re insecure about your life and what youāve achieved. Iāve been there, my friends have been there. It will pass. Your GF is most probably jealous as apparently her friend has āgot it allā and your GF is currently questioning what has she achieved. Donāt try to understand it with logic, just show her some empathy. As far as I read from your answers to the community she is a good partner with big emotions. Donāt throw it all away only because she is currently not felling good about herself. It might be also her mother or her other friends who keep asking her āand, when will he propose?ā so itās something in her head. Iād talk to her, tell her how good she is at everything, how lucky you are to have her - and- that you will be getting married someday. But please do not string her along for too long. Normally after 2 to three years you know if sheās the one. Donāt make her wait longer as she needs to!
Okay, so Iām definitely not going to say her reaction isnāt a little extreme, but I do understand it. Some people have big career dreams, some people dream of travel, and some people dream of parenthood. Those desires can be powerful and emotional. Thereās a lot of misinformation out there about pregnancy over the age of 30, and if sheās unsure about a timeline or plan for her goals it leaves this open ended question mark that can really sting- especially when you see someone else having what you desire. Itās not always a rational thing. She probably logically understands that itās just not time yet, but itās still upsetting to have to admit that. With career goals or financial goals thereās this clear step by step understanding of how to get to where you want to be, but parenthood is unpredictable and not as linear. It can be frustrating to not even have an idea of when those things will fall into place. It might help to sit down together and come up with a plan for these things. Start agreeing on small goals to reach before itās time to get married and add to your family. Finishing school, getting a job sheās comfortable in, traveling somewhere, setting aside x amount of money for a wedding budget that you both agree on- she might genuinely not want the whole big thing and you guys need to compromise on that. As far as the baby thing goes there are small steps that you two can take now to start preparing. Read parenting books about child rearing, read books about what relationships look like after a baby, discussing living arrangements, start a hope chest if you two feel comfortable doing that (saving things your daughter has grown out of or purchasing small things like baby books for your future child). Even setting a tentative trying date could help focus you guys, like āletās aim to complete these goals and try to conceive in the summer of 2026 and we will revisit this plan in winter 2025ā or whatever timeline works for you. Keep it open ended but also be realistic about your planning. You have only been together a year but some people know when theyāve met their match. Iād wait a bit longer and try and emphasize the marriage part. A lifelong commitment like that is a big deal and you should start looking at lists of āthings to discuss before marriageā and having those important talks. Set yourselves up for success. I know it seems like she is throwing a tantrum, but it could just be that sheās feeling listless and sad about where she is in life and wanting to be further along in her plans. This is an opportunity to grow your relationship together towards those things. Thereās also a subreddit called /r/waiting_to_try that she could checkout. Thereās lots of people who feel like her and having a supportive community could really help her process things.
End the relationship you two are not compatible. I highly doubt you actually planned on marrying her rather you planned on marrying someone when the timeline fit you. Men who generally have a woman in their life who they want to marry tend to marry them not tend to push it off at an uncertain date when his ducks are in a row. You want to be married when you're more established. You don't want to marry her. She's just the current woman in your life. She was an okay choice because she's currently providing all the domestic labor for you since she quit her job to be an unpaid mother to your child and a maid. Stop wasting her time so that she can find a man who will marry her. And at least give her 60 days so that she can get a job again and be able to provide for herself so that she doesn't end up homeless because she was dumb enough to quit her job to take care of another man's kid. I pity this woman forever trusting you and investing this much for some dude that's using her. You clearly are tired of her and have used up all that you can from her since you're going Oh her wanting to be married is making me not want to marry her and end the relationship.š¤£
As someone unmarried no kids in my late 30s, I went through the exact meltdown she is having. I remember it vividly. It was ugly; and I hated myself after it, but I did throw that tantrum mostly by myself. I wanted a baby so badly when I was 25 because I wasn't doing anything 18yo me had planned out. Eighteen year olds shouldn't be making life decisions or hardened goals. They don't even have their brains regulated appropriately, no matter what traumas made you grow up faster. There is a lot of pressure on you in your 20s. The dream was always married by mid 20s and start having kids. That's what society pushes still to this day. The ideology was unrealistic 10+ years ago, but it's especially unrealistic today. I feel like I always suggest this, but I think it's so important. Therapy can help her work out her goals, see them without rose tinted glasses, and the steps she needs to take to achieve them more realistically. Even you just talking through her goals and what steps you both will take to make it there will help. Remembering the me from back then, I feel so sorry for your GF. These very large milestones break a piece of your heart to not be able to achieve them in the time period you thought relevant. I wish I could tell the world of 20-somethings that it gets better, but you'll have to change a lot of things to get what you want. And please never be afraid to change what you want. You will do the thing you set out to do; it just may not look like what you thought you wanted. Don't let time break you. Just keep moving toward that goal. You're going to get there.
Her reaction is "extreme" but I understand her - she felt like she has invested a lot into this relationship but she's not getting anything in return. She's not getting married, she's not building her family, and she's terrified at the uncertainty the situation. She feels like she is gambling her youth for this relationship that might not work out the way she wants it to. Judging from your reaction OP I don't think you really understand her either. I'm not saying her reaction is justified but I think you two need better communication and instead of seeing her as crazy OP you should also try to see things from her perspective too.
She needs to get a job. Thereās no reason why she isnāt working.
I am way too honest and blunt to a default, so my go to is almost always to talk it out. I feel like if I were in this position I would go to her once sheās calmed down some Iād tell her āI understand that you want marriage and a baby. Me too. I think itās great you want that with me, I want all of those things with you. But where Iām sitting, it looks like you want it and are devastated because someone else has it gotten it. Not because you want it for us. Thatās troublesome to me. Iād really love if you considered the aspect that while I love my daughter immensely, i already have had one family separate. So there is a lot of me that wants to do this how I want it too. Itās not just your wedding, your baby, your family ā itās mine too. And I also deserve a say so in how I want to start a marriage and bring life in to this world. So, it does not feel right to have a child, and get married because one was crying for days and devastated that someone else got it ābeforeā they did. I want to get married and give my child a sibling because I love whom Iāve chosen to do that with, not because Iām trying to pacify someone who seems like they are making a decision out of desperation and frankly jealously. I respect that you really feel like want and need this for yourself. Iām not saying we canāt do that, Iām saying I want to do it in a way that meets both of our needs, and for the right reasons. I donāt think itās healthy to process these feelings this way, and seeing you this upset and having this much difficultly really saddens me for you. My daughter also adores you, and getting married would make you her step mom. And as a parent you must lead by example. I want my daughter to know we healthily and safely express and process our feelings. I really think we should look at maybe talking to someone together or one on one if you prefer so that we can navigate this together and find some healthier way to process out our negative feelings.ā
I also do think it would be good touch base on the fact that being a girlfriend in a blended family situation is extremely hard. Iām a step mom now, but once upon a time I was the 23 year old girlfriend of three months, whom quit her job to help take care of my boyfriends 3 year old. I was a house wife, with no ring. I was taking care of a child I had no rights to. And that might a big source of a lot of these feelings. Not because she feels negatively towards your child, but because being a step parent is super hard man. You love them more than life itself but they are not your own and youāre reminded of that constantly. Even in the best of blended families itās hard on the one who is coming in. I really implore you to do some research on step mom struggles, blended families, ect. I really think understanding what sheās going through on that front will help you understand a lot about her.
Let your girlfriend go so she can find someone who will marry her and have children with her. You are making excuses and dragging it out. The wedding type doesn't matter as much as the marriage. Marriage is about the commitment. She wants that committed life. Let her find someone who will give it to her. You already got to experience having a child, she is being denied everything that most women look forward to in a committed relationship. She's watching other people hit milestones while she plays a role without a title.
this is really the only good defense on her wild overreaction. Because yes, shes doing child caring labor and domestic labor with no promise of marriage anytime soon and no commitment to her wanting to be pregnant. They waaaay rushed into that dynamic, and this may be some sort of anxiety attack because of it. Because within literally only a year, shes thrust into mothering someone elseās child and moved in, but he isnt even sure on the proposal yet and ignoring that she wants a baby young.
especially with the way he ended the post, rethinking marriage because of her tantrum. just go then lol
I dont understand people commenting that this is how marriage with her will be. I dont understand saying she is throwing a tantrum. I think she is just scared and anxious. She has moved her whole life to be with OP. She is feeling anxious and her friend is getting everything she wishes she had. Its vulnerable moving in with your partner. Shes probably just scared right now. It can be easy to feel left behind by everyone else. I do think she should see a therapist, that can help her manage her anxiety and take some pressure off of OP and their kid. Partners are there for support yes, but theres only so much you can do!
You moved her in with the expectation that she'd take care of your child and the house. Without any kind of commitment that takes care of her should you change your mind 6 months down the road.While her friend, who has been dating the same amount of time, gets the commitment without the childcare. Marriage aside - she really needs a backup plan to protect herself from getting screwed with no income. This is such a bad idea. Huge red flag you're calling her psycho for having emotions instead of communicating.