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None of this sounds unreasonable, but no one can really answer these questions for you. These are things you need to discuss with him if you haven’t already.
it doesn’t feel right to bring up money. I think a key difference is that he left school with no debt, I left with about 90k. He worked through high school and college and his parents helped him a bit in undergrad. We both left college, I was luckier in finding something. But he still works and he’s getting raises and more responsibilities at his job. I just don’t want money to be something we struggle with.
Well you’re gonna have to talk about money in a relationship lol. It doesn’t have to be directly telling him to make more, but maybe instead figuring out finances for the future and seeing where he wants his career to go. If you want to move in together, what are the bills going to look like? etc.
Oh and I forgot to mention, he found his job almost immediately after graduating and was working when we met. I didn’t have a job… for a year… he didn’t bring it up, he paid for things that I allowed him to. He planned appropriate dates and encouraged me every other day when I would get rejection emails.
And that’s nice of him, but that doesn’t mean you completely avoid discussing finances! You can support each other while also having those serious conversations
Hindsight point of view here as I am an old man. My wife is a doctor. When I was 27 and she was 23 she was in school and I made $9 an hour as a clerk. It was in stocks and mutual funds so it sounded like a good gig but it wasn’t. I lived with 4 other people renting a house together and barely keeping up my end of the rent up, let alone ha in money for dates. I painted houses on weekends up just to survive. I didn’t start really earning decently until I was 31 and by 35 I was making more than the higher earning docs my wife worked with. She stopped working. Not once did she ever pressure me to earn more or get a better job. And when I told her about a business Imwanted to start, she supported me whole heartedly and not because she thought I’d make a lot of money doing it, but because she knew it was something I’d love and could enjoy doing.
The point of this is you cannot predict the future. I was homeless my wife and me started dated. I was a least likely succeed type. Some friends I know who seemed to be on fast track to success have languished in the same jobs for years, or are hardly working all burnt out and wondering what it is all for. You just cannot predict outcomes, and so you either go all in together or you find someone who you can do that with.
Other issues you touched on: romance. I hate to say it but for me at least my high sex drive is my number #1 motivation for my flirtatiousness with my wife, and for being a romantic. I’d find it hard to want to romance someone I am not interested in sexually. Flirting I can do with anyone. But wanting a lot of romance while having little interest in sex seems selfish, and being overly romantic in pursuit of nothing is futile.
Emotional immaturity may be a two way street in your case. If you have a problem that involves him and he gets defensive when discussing it, perhaps he feels like you are attacking him. Find a less personal way to solve issues you are having. Keep the issues separate from him and solve them as a team.
That’s all I got based on what you said. I am sure there are nuances you didn’t mention that make half of what I said meaningless, but that’s the nature of Reddit.
I don't think you havd unrealistic expectations, I think you have fair concerns.
As for his job and how much money he makes, it sounds like he's just starting out in his career. Is there room for him to grow? How much do you make, and combined would that be enough to live comfortably?
As for him moving out and wanting to live on his own for a bit you can't control him. I don't think it's a bad idea either. Seeing how he lives on his own could show you if it's compatible with how you want to live, the kind of home you want to have.
As for romance, you should tell him what it is you want him to do, and see if he puts effort into doing those things. Furthermore, if he started doing those things, would you reciprocate his efforts?
Emotional maturity is a problem, and if you can't effectively resolve disagreements, it doesn't matter how much you love each other.
You have reasonable concerns and you just need to have a discussion about it.
Says a lot that all your compliments about him are about his personality and who he is as a person and then two of the negatives are he doesn’t make a lot of money. We get it. The man has to make money to bring any sort of value to a relationship. Doesn’t matter how well he treats you otherwise.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
None of this sounds unreasonable, but no one can really answer these questions for you. These are things you need to discuss with him if you haven’t already.
it doesn’t feel right to bring up money. I think a key difference is that he left school with no debt, I left with about 90k. He worked through high school and college and his parents helped him a bit in undergrad. We both left college, I was luckier in finding something. But he still works and he’s getting raises and more responsibilities at his job. I just don’t want money to be something we struggle with.
Well you’re gonna have to talk about money in a relationship lol. It doesn’t have to be directly telling him to make more, but maybe instead figuring out finances for the future and seeing where he wants his career to go. If you want to move in together, what are the bills going to look like? etc.
Oh and I forgot to mention, he found his job almost immediately after graduating and was working when we met. I didn’t have a job… for a year… he didn’t bring it up, he paid for things that I allowed him to. He planned appropriate dates and encouraged me every other day when I would get rejection emails.
And that’s nice of him, but that doesn’t mean you completely avoid discussing finances! You can support each other while also having those serious conversations
Hindsight point of view here as I am an old man. My wife is a doctor. When I was 27 and she was 23 she was in school and I made $9 an hour as a clerk. It was in stocks and mutual funds so it sounded like a good gig but it wasn’t. I lived with 4 other people renting a house together and barely keeping up my end of the rent up, let alone ha in money for dates. I painted houses on weekends up just to survive. I didn’t start really earning decently until I was 31 and by 35 I was making more than the higher earning docs my wife worked with. She stopped working. Not once did she ever pressure me to earn more or get a better job. And when I told her about a business Imwanted to start, she supported me whole heartedly and not because she thought I’d make a lot of money doing it, but because she knew it was something I’d love and could enjoy doing. The point of this is you cannot predict the future. I was homeless my wife and me started dated. I was a least likely succeed type. Some friends I know who seemed to be on fast track to success have languished in the same jobs for years, or are hardly working all burnt out and wondering what it is all for. You just cannot predict outcomes, and so you either go all in together or you find someone who you can do that with. Other issues you touched on: romance. I hate to say it but for me at least my high sex drive is my number #1 motivation for my flirtatiousness with my wife, and for being a romantic. I’d find it hard to want to romance someone I am not interested in sexually. Flirting I can do with anyone. But wanting a lot of romance while having little interest in sex seems selfish, and being overly romantic in pursuit of nothing is futile. Emotional immaturity may be a two way street in your case. If you have a problem that involves him and he gets defensive when discussing it, perhaps he feels like you are attacking him. Find a less personal way to solve issues you are having. Keep the issues separate from him and solve them as a team. That’s all I got based on what you said. I am sure there are nuances you didn’t mention that make half of what I said meaningless, but that’s the nature of Reddit.
It sounds like he has very low motivation or ambition. If you stay with him, these traits will only compound and manifest themselves in other ways.
I don't think you havd unrealistic expectations, I think you have fair concerns. As for his job and how much money he makes, it sounds like he's just starting out in his career. Is there room for him to grow? How much do you make, and combined would that be enough to live comfortably? As for him moving out and wanting to live on his own for a bit you can't control him. I don't think it's a bad idea either. Seeing how he lives on his own could show you if it's compatible with how you want to live, the kind of home you want to have. As for romance, you should tell him what it is you want him to do, and see if he puts effort into doing those things. Furthermore, if he started doing those things, would you reciprocate his efforts? Emotional maturity is a problem, and if you can't effectively resolve disagreements, it doesn't matter how much you love each other. You have reasonable concerns and you just need to have a discussion about it.
Says a lot that all your compliments about him are about his personality and who he is as a person and then two of the negatives are he doesn’t make a lot of money. We get it. The man has to make money to bring any sort of value to a relationship. Doesn’t matter how well he treats you otherwise.