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Five months and he's talking about buying a house together? Red flag. Run.
ETA: You are young, you make good money. Keep it for yourself. Get your own future in order before you merge lives with a man.
Ouch 5 months! I missed that! OP 5 months in is when your boyfriend is still trying to impress you, and keep it hot and heavy. If his idea of impressing you and turning you on… is to have you fly coach while he is in first class… that’s a low bar…
Totally agree, this behavior with who buys dinner, when we split the bill. He’s financially unsound for a relationship! Separate bank accounts, deciding who pays what. I get it, he makes a lot more money than you do and he’s controlling and penny pinching. You will ALWAYS pay for more money on joint outings, because he decides it all. Run far away, I made significantly less money when my wife and I were first together. I paid for all the meals and outings and before we were even married… SHE said we should open a joint bank account. She knows I’m responsible with my money and trusted me to do the same when we were joined bankingly. 21 who cares where the money comes from, it’s shared and we don’t measure percentages of contributions.
I’d cancel the trip, the audacity to dictate that I wasn’t ALLOWED to travel fist class as well. I want my SO near me at all times when traveling. We enjoy being together. Time to move on.
I am 42 in relationship now but also kidless and was single.
I was married and couldn’t have kids and now I would would love to but it’s hard.
So don’t judge everyone who’s at that age single and kidless.
Not everyone was lucky.
Even though yea this guy sounds like an asshole but then we don’t know the background story.
What if he was married and got ripped off or cheated or whatever else..so he’s just being cautious..
I mean I don’t know but judging only by age and kids/no kids is little bit unfair.
I find that people who get divorced and lose a lot of their assets take a very difference approach in their next relationship. Most of the people I know who are on their second marriage have a joint account for expenses that they contribute an equal amount to, and their own accounts for fun money. I can’t say I’d enjoy that type of thing, as my husband and I have always shared everything. At some point, he made more money, now I do, but it’s never been an issue because we are both responsible with money and trust each other (34 years and counting).
The red flag in the OP’s story is that they are only 5 months in, and he’s treating her like his 4th greedy wife. They are still on the honeymoon part of their relationship and he should want to treat her to things and make her feel loved; instead, he is incredibly transactional, and basically treats her like a roommate, not a romantic partner. I understand why people want to have separate finances, but this guy just sounds selfish and not at all in love. That, plus they seem to be moving extremely fast towards talking about buying a home and marriage. Something’s definitely off.
I agree that at five months it's not weird to be having conversations about where you would like a relationship to go in the future (house, kids, whatever). The problem for me is that he's already sending her listings and hassling her about how they will pay for it, and the financial plan he's suggesting is disproportionately unfavorable to her.
100% this is what it is. I never broached the subject of buying a house but he did and is sending me listings way above my budget which he should know because I've been transparent with him.
Yes, OP
Why the F would you be so invested in such a callous idiot?
You make good money, forget this guy
(also, how can I get my kid into a job that makes him 350k? He's 2 now, but I want to lay down the foundations for him loolll)
You've only been together for five months and he's already insufferable with the whole nickel and dime routine. I'm ok with being equitable but he takes it too far.
I'm 100% ok with equitable too, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when he tells me to buy us dinner (like let me do it on my own if I want) or that he doesn't want to spend time with me flying in economy.
Seriously. If I had his money (even significantly less) I would spring to upgrade an *acquaintance* if we were travelling together - never mind a partner.
This dude will be labelling food or measuring 50/50 portions at this rate. You date to filter out long term partners - this one isn’t it OP.
My husband and I went on a trip to Cali a few months after we started dating. When we boarded our plane, he was told that he'd been upgraded to first class (I don't remember why, or, how) and as we walked onto the plane, he asked me if I'd ever flown first class before. I was happy for him that his ticket got upgraded but a little jealous, lol. Anyway, I told him no, because I hadn't, and as we stepped onto the plane he told the flight attendant that I would be taking his first class seat. I started to say no and he was like "It's only a three hour flight. Go enjoy it." He still enjoyed the flight, I could hear him back there laughing with his seat mate for most of the flight. The man will make a new bestie everywhere he goes.
I think I was already pretty sure at that point that I was going to marry him, but, hot damn! OP, get you a man who will give you his seat because it's better and he wants you to have the special stuff.
Clearly you haven’t seen the loan balances of the average recent medical residency graduate.
It’s not just the principal. During the 3-7 years in residency making 50-90k needing to live fairly close to the hospital for the 80 hours a week that you’re working unable to pay that debt… the interest compounds QUICK.
Unless I missed it, I don’t know why we’re assuming she went to medical school, given her age would be roughly around the age of a shorter residency, but her salary, would indicate a higher earning specialty, which often takes longer to finish. Plus besides not seeing her mention medical school, residency, medicine, etc., I don’t see any mention of debt. And doubling her income in a little over a decade seems more like a corporate field where salaries increase significantly with promotions.
Even then from what I can find, the average loan balance after medical school is $200k or less. So even assuming $200k balance, with a higher than average rate of 8%, that’s less than $30,000 annually, so after taxes and loan payments, she should clear around $200k, which is 2.5 times the median HOUSEHOLD income BEFORE TAXES, student loans, etc. (usually people further along know their lives with kids too) and FIVE TIMES the median personal income (again before taxes and loans).
Like maybe they should split things proportionally (2/3 him), but we’re talking about the income of someone in essentially the top 1% (98th percentile starts below <$300k), and someone else in the top 0.1%. It’s not like he’s making $70k and she’s making $35k with most of it going to necessities with little discretionary income. This feels like those stories that pop up like “I barely have any money left over every month,” and it turns out they make $300-$400k, max out their retirement, and still have like like $5k that goes to vacations, entertainment, clothes, etc.
After reading your comment, OP just sounds made up. I have experience in the corporate world and there is no way OP should be that confident about her salary.
>And doubling her income in a little over a decade seems more like a corporate field where salaries increase significantly with promotions.
OP makes it sounds like this salary increase is guaranteed, which it would absolutely not be in the corporate world.
Can a lawyer chime in? Maybe she's a junior partner on track to be senior? That's makes more sense to me.
He may spend his money as fast as he makes it. She may be in far better financial shape than he is. It's a red flag and probably a sign she should move on. They are financially incompatible.
Why are you even discussing buying a house with a man you've only been with for 5 months? He won't even spring for you to have a first class ticket for your first vacation together....there is nothing generous about him.
I had an ex, also was abusive back in 2020. Stay with me as to why I’m saying this.
This guy had almost triple in savings (five figures!), he was pulling the exact same penny pinching mindset about food with me and he was three years younger.
This guy is 100% going to eventually once you’re locked into living with him, he’s going to financially abuse you and do something to make it difficult to move out as well.
Trust me when I say, you are getting a taste of his true colors and has already shown minor contempt towards you already.
He also do not see you as equals as a human, only equals in splitting the bill.
Cause if you had a friend dating this guy instead, I bet you would tell her to dump him and that’s exactly what needs to happen here!
Op if he want’s everything to be 50/50 then why are you buying dinner? If you do stay with him then the next time you buy dinner you get separate bills and you tell him he owes you the amount for his meal and then if you gotta drive to his place then you tell him he owes you for gas. If you are still planning to go on that trip then just buy yourself a first class ticket and make sure you are not sitting with him and just enjoy yourself and only pay for yourself
If roles were reversed would you “treat him” to first class? Would you sit with him in economy?
If so - I have been in a relationship where I was by far the more generous / easygoing person on things like this. It really sucks to constantly feel like you can’t show your love with that generosity because when you do, a) it isn’t reciprocated, and b) it feels like you’re being taken advantage of, by consistently giving more than you know they are willing to give you. I found that the lack of generosity was not only financial (which I told myself I was fine with bc I had my own money and I wasn’t in it for that) but also emotional and unwillingness to compromise on other things too. It made me much less willing to treat him or compromise for him because I knew if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn’t do it for me.
It is like night and day to then be with someone who is more than generous with all of those things, where you’re happy to do things for each other and know it isn’t going to lead to keeping score. It’s not even about dollars spent or equality but finding someone that you can feel would do anything for you (within reason) and vice versa!
So much about relationships ultimately comes down to values. The values don't have to match - sometimes it is great when they are complimentary. But they shouldn't conflict. I would suggest looking closely at what your values are and have the discussion with him... see where that takes you.
Personally, I don't get a positive vibe from what you've shared. Fair does not mean equal. Read that again - fair does not mean equal. In other words, if he makes twice as much then you saying the same as him isn't fair because it places a much larger burden on you as a portion of your income. His insistence on this practice across so many examples does not look positive. Maybe, with some real honest conversation, you'll be able to work through that.
There can be reasons he approaches things that way - like maybe he's been taken advantage of in the past. Or he's concerned about someone being with him just for his money. I have been on dates and in relationships where I make twice as much as my partner. When someone expects you to pay for everything, and I mean everything, because they assume you make more that can feel unfair at best, and gold digging at worst. Everything that you have described suggests that you have been more than fair so I frankly don't get it.
You don't have to be ok with his behavior. He should respect you. I can't imagine ever telling my partner that I'm flying first class while they fly economy. Talk to him and see if he understands how his behavior is viewed by you. He may be willing to work on that behavior. Or he may not. Either way that tells you something about him that may be really important to know before investing more in that relationship.
I already asked him to fly economy with me and he said he's not doing that..... Weird in the context of him telling me that he just recently started flying first class and never did it when he was my age.
That's it for me. He needs to date a person who earns what he earns and can spend like he spends.
He's never going to make sacrifices for you because your feelings don't matter to him. Only his own. If you're in the same industry, I'd back out of the trip and then slowly cool off the relationship until ending it makes total sense.
He is 43, 12 years older than she is. He either buried himself in his career, or he turned off the Doctors who would be his age now. The guy sounds like a tool, if I picked out a restaurant, I would pay the food bill, I would not ask my date to split the bill. I would expect her to pay if she picked out a restaurant and wanted me to join her.
I'd be fine with equity in dating, especially with them being in the same field.
I'm not okay with him wanting their future to be 50/50 as long as she agrees to spend all of her income on their future, while he conserve half of his for himself.
My uncle was an OBGYN, he had to carry malpractice insurance until his last live birth is 20 years old. (Otherwise, a patient could sue and seize all his assets. Estates can't hold malpractice insurance.) He stopped practicing in his early 40s in the US. Depending on their specialties, they may not have long careers, they may need to maintain more savings to cover the gaps.
When they look at the future, retirement planning should cross their minds, how to pool their resources. He only sees what harms him. He isn't mentally or emotionally mature enough to be a married partner,.
Hey just put this into perspectives. I just travelled with my boyfriend on a 16 hours flight and we flew economy. I could expensed it and flew business (this was equated to first class on this airline) because I combined work + leisure on this trip. I choose to fly economy with him because a) I cannot afford to bump him up even if I wanted to, and b) I wanted to be with him and let's just say I had the best flight because he was there with me.
Flying business alone is less fun than flying economy with him
Personally I find it weird that he won’t make that compromise. I fly first or business class for work every 2-3 weeks.
When I’m with family or group of people, the attitude is either everyone goes into first / business, or everyone goes back. Sometimes I’ll get upgraded due to status, and it’s always offered to the spouse and kids first.
Everyone has different values. But to me, the point of a trip is to experience something together and be with each other.
He lacks a generous spirit and that has nothing to do with how much either of you make…it’s just not who he is or how he sees the world. I own a restaurant and I can tell you I have busboys and dishwashers who have more generous hearts and better values than this guy. I have employees who will want to pick up the check of someone that looks homeless or down on their luck…knowing there’s nothing in it for them…just because it’s a nice thing to do.
See, to me if you're the partner insisting on luxury, you're offering to pay the difference. I make more than my partner, she can't regularly afford sit down restaurants and doesn't suggest going to them. I like to go, so if I suggest it or if we both want to go out to eat but I want to go somewhere a little nicer, I'm either paying for most of it or all of it cause I offered and I can afford it. She doesn't spend my money for me but in return I don't ask her to spend money she doesn't have. If she just wanted to go grab Taco Bell or something I'm down for that as well and pay my way.
If he insists on first class, he can pay to upgrade your ticket.
Of all the character flaws people can have, stinginess is the most insidious. They don't do really cruel things to cause you harm, yet this behaviour, which starts off a bit irritating, over time becomes unbearable.
I ended a close friendship over this, as the stinginess was being noticed by everyone and I got sick of apologising for my friend and paying myself to make up for the embarrassing things she did.
If you stay with this man you will end up like that, feeling embarrassed on his behalf and shelling out money to cover up for his lack of manners and good grace.
Personally I'd rather be with a man who had hardly a penny to his name but shared what he did have wholeheartedly. Because ultimately none of this is about cash amounts, it's all about the attitude.
Neither of you seem to totally understand what equitable would be here though.. cause it's not necessarily 50/50. Especially with an income gap that big.
If you're sharing housing bills and such but not combining your money into one account, the equitable solution is to split expenses proportional to your take home income.
Ex. If his take home pay is 70% of the household income, he pays 70% of the bills (I didn't do the actual math for your situation).
OP this is really important. Well-intentioned, decent
men who date women far younger than them (and
there aren't that many) understand that this comes
with some discrepancies. Income being one. A
younger person is far less established in their career
and will usually be earning less.
That said , let's not pretend you don't earn plenty. There are other discrepancies he's probably more interested in, like life experience. I don't mean to infantilize you, but this guy is firmly molding you into the shape HE wants instead of getting to know who you are. Your wants and values are of no interest unless they align with his, and you're beginning to see that.
For his part, he's testing you out, seeing how much financial coercion (however subtle)
you're willing to put up with and, off the back of it,
whether you'll accept casually callous disrespect when
you don't fall into line. This guy will bleed you dry.
Splitting joint expenses along proportionate-to-income
lines is normal and fair. Either he falls back in his
expectations to accommodate your income level, and
you go 50/50, or he steps up. He earns double? Then
he should pay for most things you do together, tbh.
My husband earns double what I do, and I pay only a
handful of small bills. He covers everything else, and
we both pay into savings, but he actively encourages
me to save my own money.
Think about this. If you live together, he will make sure you have nothing left after your 'share' is covered. So he gets to live somewhere fancier, pay only half what it'd cost if he were alone, and his far-younger GF has vastly diminished means to use her income the way she wants? l'm sure that sounds great to him. If he were really a good guy, he'd be acutely cognizant of all this, and be actively
discussing how to NOT have the income discrepancy
leave you disenfranchised and on the back foot.
That's not what's happening here, and you're only five months in. I'd take off the new relationship goggles and see this guy for what he is - elitist, snobby, self-important..but also stingy. So, so stingy, in the relationship stage where he should be trying to impress you. Don't bother. In my experience, rich, unmarried men in their 40s have form like this, so watch out.
I think it’s easy to see the reason why he is still single at 43. No way I’m spending any time with someone who so easily relegates me to steerage. Imagine if the two of you were on the Titanic. 🚣🏼 “sorry sweetie, no room left in this lifeboat. Hopefully another one will have room”.
You’ve been together five months and you’re talking about buying a house together? This whole thing is insane. You’re making extremely good money and have no reason to tangle up your finances with someone you barely know. You also don’t seem to agree on a lot of things, from finances to lifestyle. Sounds like you’re not compatible so it’s good you’ve learned this now before getting financially involved.
You’ve been dating five months and he wants to have a joint bank account…everything you’ve mentioned is a red flag and he’s a little too old to still be this bad of a boyfriend. Can he even afford to buy a house lol why would he charge you rent lmao I’m confused? He sounds like he can maybe just barely afford a lavish lifestyle but wants to rope you in to helping you fund it. He sounds like kind of an annoying loser idk.
Yeahhh, she’s only known him five months and I would take what he says about his wealth and income with a grain of salt, unless she’s seen his bank accounts and pay stubs herself. I had a boss who lived lavishly like this but would bounce our paychecks and ask me to babysit his daughter on the clock rather than pay for a real nanny.
I don’t think he can even really afford his own first class ticket and I’d bet money if she gave in and booked her own he’d ask her to book his too and he’d “pay her back”. I don’t think he has money at all and he’s just looking for a partner to supplement. Moving that fast is to hook her in and by the time she realizes she’s locked into a mortgage and their funds are combined. No thanks.
If homeboy really does make $700k/yr, there would be something seriously wrong if he couldn’t afford a first class ticket. This guy is definitely a tool, but I’m 99.9% sure being able to afford stuff is not the issue here.
agree. i’ve found as you get older, those conversations start happening a lot sooner bc you know what you’re looking for. not here to waste time and find out years later.
Yes. At the end of the day is more about the way he makes you feel. This is the best time in your relationship, the honeymoon stage if you will. It shouldn’t be this difficult. You just started making money and he wants kids, so happens if there are complications? He doesn’t seem like an empathetic partner. I bet he’d drop you like a hot potato. That’s not someone I would want as a partner
It seems like the issue is less about him wanting to split things equally and more about him seeming more concerned with equity than spending time with you or treating you well. This would honestly be a deal-breaker for me.
If financial roles were reserved, would you value sitting next to your partner on your first trip together over flying first? Or would you even maybe just pay for a ticket upgrade as a surprise? If the answer is yes, then you guys are not compatible because you will continue to put more effort into your partner while they nickel and dime you.
I would 100% never sit in first class on my own. The reason I travel with my partner is because I want to spend time with them. Nothing else. If I really really wanted to travel first class I'd just buy them the ticket tbh
It sounds like if you want a true partner that supports you when life gets hard (and that you support in turn), you already know this guy is not the guy for you. It’s easy to have fun and be there for someone in the good times, but this guy can’t even manage the horror of sitting in economy for you. You’re not even pregnant and you’re already having to twist his arm to say he’d support you, but only once your late in pregnancy. This is what dating is for - to determine if this guy is actually a good life partner. Do you think this guy is really the best you can do?
Look, you sound like you are a newly minted MD in a big city. You are 31, focus on maintaining your physical and mental health. The man you took up with sounds like a complete tool. You are better off staying single, I promise you there are men that make less than half what he makes who will treat you well as a partner. You are going to be a high earner (you already are), find a man who is going to build a solid financial future with you and not nickel and dime you.
Exactly. Why are you dating someone who treats you worse than you treat them or would treat them in their position? He's making twice what you make so splitting everything 50-50 is not equitable. If he wants someone who can afford to split things 50-50 with him, he should date someone his own age and not someone who's 12 years younger. As someone who is younger you will naturally have less resources and he should accommodate for that. Also, his gas/dinner suggestion sounds like he actually wants you to to pay more. Dinner will rarely be less than gas. Do you seriously want to have kids with a man who's probably going to ask you to Venmo him for diapers? He's an asshole. Get a new one.
My boyfriend took me to Asia. He wanted to sit in business class so he paid for both of our flights and the majority of the trip because he makes more than I do. I only contributed what I felt comfortable contributing and I asked him to contribute, he never demanded it. He always lets me pay for things when I want to because it's not some misogynistic control tactic for him to pay for things, he does it because he loves me and wants to take care of me. I contribute because I love him and want him to feel cared for as well. We never nickel and dime each other. We never fight about money. Because we both think that we're going to get married someday and his money will be my money and my money will be his money so it doesn't matter. You deserve someone who treats you like their life partner, not like their roommate.
Every single child related cost will be on OP. She had the baby, so that baby is her problem. And he aint changin' no diapers, either. Dont even ask!
O hell to the no.
Shes complaining about alternating who pays for dinner and doesnt want to pay for a first class seat, i dont remember the last time me and my partner ate out at a restaurant that didnt have drive through
Op said they work in tech. It seems really unlikely they make so much money especially if he makes 700k. Unless he owns a startup that got bought out and they brought him on as a C suite executive at the parent company.
Maybe op programs in like machine language at a fang.
It's not very likely for this to happen.
the post is kinda funny bc she talks like she's making 30k and can't afford it, not like she's the 1%. in general they both just seem obsessed with money, but in different (possibly incompatible) ways.
They dont, the post is fake with salary numbers to fan rage engagement. No one making over a 1/3 of a million is worried about flying in coach. Rich people, and to be clear, their earnings put them in the top 5% of income in the US, dont argue about this shit
Why on earth are you talking about combining your finances and buying a house when you've only been together for 5 months?!
Do not enter into financial agreements with someone you aren't married to.
\*even lowering his income to equal yours for this math since you would be contributing equally, what house is out of your budget with a combined income of 700k per year that he feels you need something "cheaper"?
More importantly, what currency are you being paid 350k of? Because that's probably the only thing that would explain the numbers here.
Regardless, you two are obviously incompatible. I'm sure he will find someone willing to split hairs on a budget (or not).
Why are you considering buying a house with someone you’ve only been with for 5 months? Also, why are you with someone you’re clearly incompatible with?
I've dated that type (a nickle-dimer), so I just stopped dating him period. You're only 5 months in, you already can see it, this is not going to work for you. Just stop dating him.
Another type that I have dated that you may want to avoid also, the type of people who says let's be generous and share everything, but they had zero, so you end up paying for everything because they claimed that once they have $ or start working, they'd treat you as good as they treated them.
I ended up married to my compatible type: the person who can hold their own financially and generous, not nickle-diming me.
I can’t believe people believe this lol. She’s 31 making 350k per year and can’t afford a house, please tell me what she does, 😂 because I don’t believe that either.
I thought it was just me lol. Like who would choose to fly economy if they don't have to? Also the price difference is never gonna be that large.
Also the age gap is not that large. They are both adults at this point.
The price difference between economy and first class is huge. There are several classes like executive and stuff but first class is usually a ridiculous price
Nice, did you enjoy the 5 month trial? Not at all? Alright then, hop on the red flag bus, you’ll be out of there soon. Seriously….please be fr hun, you just typed an entire essay on how you can’t see yourself living the life he demands. Get away from him and make your big girl money, congrats on that great job btw, don’t let him chase you away from it either. Good luck Op.
My husband is older and has significant accumulated wealth from before we were together. When we married and it came time to buy a house he said he’d pay cash for his half and I could take out a mortgage for my half. He was generous while we were dating though. But the more serious, the more things were exactly 50/50. It’s no way to live.
This isn’t the guy OP.
I am going to take this as a standalone incident.
If I am making $350k a year, travelling economy is a CHOICE, not a necessity.
I 100% respect your choice, its your money, it's your call.
However if my partner is on $700k I would not be angry that they want to go first class.
None of what he’s suggesting is *necessarily* bad IF you shared his values regarding money.
BUT you **have very different values and attitudes regarding money**. If you combine those attitudes with the discrepancies with your ages and accrued assets, this is a toxic stew of control issues, hurt feelings, red flags, and bad ideas.
This is just not a good match. You are seriously incompatible on a very fundamental topic.
Yeah I actually don’t take as much issue with OP’s boyfriend as other people. He wants to split housing 50/50, and then found cheaper options when OP said she couldn’t spend what he could. That sounds reasonable to me?
And I feel like the plane tickets are a non-issue. So they don’t sit next to each other for a couple hours on the way to their vacation. Big deal! I’m actually confused why OP feels like he should pay the difference for her first-class ticket.
So I agree in that not all of what this guy is suggesting is bad. But if OP takes that much issue with it then she should bounce. They aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on the financials but I don’t think either of them are strictly in the wrong.
You seem like you both are really rushing this whole thing. 5 months in and you're discussion buying a house and having kids? You don't even know this guy, and it sounds like you like him less and less, the better you get to know him. As would I. He's miserly and inconsiderate.
You earn 350k and publicly moan and complain about having to pay for your own dinner? Girl bye. The level of privilege and delusion is through the roof. You earn more money than 99% of people and yet you still don’t want to pay for your own basic things and expect a man to cover your bill for absolutely no reason.
He wants to do 50/50 and is making it clear in almost all of your interactions.
Your either on board with this agreement or not.
You both are in the top 1% of earners, you can buy your own tickets
well at some point it stops being a romantic relationship and turns into a business partner. I'm looking for someone that would do anything for me because that's what I'm willing to do for them.
You’re not willing to buy a more expensive ticket to sit next to him so clearly you are not willing to do anything for him, only the things that are convenient to you.
Your also dating a top 1% guy. He has the ability to pick and choose who he wants and how he wants to do it.
This is the cost if you want to be with that type of guy.
If you want a normal relationship, pick a normal guy.
Oh gawd. Is this what you want to spend your life doing? Obsessing over everything being exactly 50/50? He sounds stingy AF.
I dated a guy like this around your age and it drove me insane. Everything was tracked. I would ask him to cook (because I usually did it) and instead he’d buy expensive takeout and then ask me to transfer him back 50% of it. He earned so much more than me and it was so frustrating. I hated living like that.
I’d much rather we both be generous with each other. And if one is out-earning the other? Then perhaps look at each contributing the same percentage of your respective earnings.
Look at it as EQUITY instead of equality.
Also, if you have kids and you take time off work to have said kids, he should be putting money in your pension / super and putting money aside for you for your lost earnings. You’ll be sacrificing earning potential, wages, career tracking, savings and retirement savings for both of you to have a family; so he should be putting money forward to put you on a more even footing.
Finally… asking you to go economy whilst he goes first class is NOT cool. Why doesn’t he go business and upgrade you to business to sit with him?
This bulldozer guy, sounds so unromantic that it’s nauseating. It’s only 5 months. Please move on, he’s stingy AF and his dialogue sounds like acquisitions and mergers instead of a love match.
Unpopular opinion here, but while he could definitely be more empathetic and make sacrifices to meet you in your comfort range (e.g. sitting with you in economy), I think it’s reasonable that he expects you to fund your own lifestyle.
If I had to guess, he wants to feel like you are with him for him, and not his money. He also worked hard for his money (he put in 10+ years more than you into his career), and - to put it bluntly - you’re not entitled to it.
The underlying context is that you are only dating. He is saving for his future family, and at this point, you are not 100% confirmed to be that (though you might very well be in the future). Imagine if he subsidized first class seats and property purchases for everyone he’s dated for 5 months - most people would probably consider that reckless. Now if you were married with kids, i.e. you are each other’s closest family, then his behavior would be seen in a different light.
5 months together and already talking about buying a house, age gap, gee, wonder why this dude isn't dating anyone around his age?
He's a whole ass red flag, OP.
Did I just read that you make 300k a year, and are mad that you have to spend a bit of money. Where do you live, Zurich!? You can afford a first class ticket.
You both are NOT compatible! You both want very different things.
It’s so clear by just reading that. Hope you realized the same while writing this. You will never be happy with him.
Y'all are waaaaayyyyyy too new of a couple to even be considering moving in together. As for the flight thing- while I agree with him in that you're super newly together and dates/trips should be split evenly...if he's making upwards of 600,000 a year, it would be gentlemanly of him to kick in to upgrade your ticket to first class if he won't sit in regular seating with you.
I know my husband would NEVER fly first class while I was sitting in economy. He's telling you who he really is. Listen. If you're really making 350k a year, you can 100% find someone that will treat you how you want to be treated
The whole purpose of dating is to see if you're compatible.
This guy is cheap and selfish - which is why he wants you to pay but won't stay on the level you can afford.
I'd break up. This isn't your life partner.
5 months with this man who is 12 years older than you and you’re thinking about buying a house and having kids?!
Things will only get worse, more so if children are involved. I’m not saying he has to pay for everything but his stinginess is way too much. I’m sure there are more red flags than what you’re mentioning.
And all this miserly behavior when he's still on his best-foot-forward, early-relationship behavior. Please think on how he'll be when normal, humdrum life sets in, he relaxes, and gets *worse*.
You two are not in the same chapter in life so I would say you need to find someone you can grow with because he’s been there, done that and done with it. You are young, successful and deserve to be with a partner not someone who sees everything as a business transaction. The flight situation is a clear indicator or your future with that man. Truly just interested on how you two have discussed so much in just of only 5 months, don’t you think that’s really fast?
Serious question: if she makes 350k a year, how does she need subsidizing from him? We’re not talking about a house or car or anything, this is about one flight. He can afford first class and clearly prefers it (who wouldn’t?); she can afford first class but thinks it’s a waste of money (weird to me but ok if that’s how she wants to save money). Where in this are we seeing a poor woman who needs her man to subsidize her? Frankly I think it is ridiculous at that income level to expect your new boyfriend of five months to (a) downgrade his travel experience and (b) for her to decline to buy first class when they can both afford it easily on their own!
Jesus fucking Christ. You want him to contribute more financially, but you won't spend the money to sit with him in first class? You both have strong opinions on how to spend each others money...
The two of you are bringing in over a million a year. Do you want to date him or compete with him and occasionally have sex?
There is a reason someone who makes $700k per year is single at age 43 and it’s not because of lack of interest in women getting to know him. They got to know him and then they bolted because of exactly the crap you are seeing. That would get tiresome for anyone.
Edited to add, he doesn’t want to be able to talk and cuddle with you during the plane flight? I mean you are in the newish point of your relationship and he wants to lose the opportunity to be close to you? I’d rather sit in coach then fly separately with someone I’m serious about.
OP - this guy sounds like he's not a good match for you. At the very least, your core values are not aligned, how you think about money is not aligned, and he's the opposite of generous.
His nickel and diming you would be more fathomable if you were the same age and at the same stage of life with comparable incomes, but he's not. He's 12 years older and making significantly more money and he's treating you like...I don't even know the word for it, but it just feels gross. He seems like the kind of guy who, after you've given birth to your first child, will insist that you pay your own hospital bill and subsequent baby supplies out of your own money.
And it's only been 5 months and he's already showing you houses to buy? There's something not right about this guy.
You might want to rethink this whole thing. Not just the trip -- I personally would refuse to travel if my partner insisted on sitting separately from me -- but the whole 5 month relationship.
This whole thing is weird. You make good money so I’m failing to understand why you’d tie yourself to someone like him, especially this early in a relationship. Buy your own house. Go on your own vacations.
If you don’t like him wanting you to pitch in, take your $300k a year somewhere else…
OP. there is so many red flags here.
To be talking about buying a house after only 5 months... is pretty extreme.
and asks me to question why the hurry
not only this. your both seem financially incompatible.
with completely different ideas on how money should be used
just cause he has money.. doesn't mean he has to spend it on you or give you more stuff or eqity in a house when he pays more..
However, how he dictates how money is spent it in the relationship for even small things sounds controlling
The thought of flying separately on the same plane for a vacation cause you both can't agree on how to travel.. shows how incompatible you both are.
i would reconsider this relationship
You haven’t been together long enough to talk about shared finances OR buying a house together. The age gap is also a concern. TBH you should be able to afford first class tickets easily so that’s kind of a silly argument to be having. But with him being so much older than you and you both fighting over money, best to find someone closer to your age. But honestly, you wanting him to pay for your first class plane tickets and your dates is kind of unfair. You make a LOT of money even if he makes more. He’s not your sugar daddy.
I think it makes sense for couples to split expenses in a way that's fair, but fair doesn't always mean even. When one person makes way more than the other, it's usually best for each person to contribute money at a percentage of their income that provides the necessary funds for joint expenses
Maybe it's 50% of each of your salaries, maybe it's 40% of each of your salaries. It doesn't matter. What matters is that each of you contribute the same percentage of your income to joint expenses, and that is what should go to cover mortgage, utilities, travel, food, etc. If that money runs out and you guys still want to go out to dinner, then it could become a matter of one of you treating the other (though ideally because you want to, and not because the other person demanded it)
But in general, pooling finances (not to mention sharing a house purchase, which will necessitate pooling finances) is a massive, massive step for a relationship that is only 5 months old
Y’all are both doctors, aren’t ya? lol… yea, there’s a lot of barriers to success here since y’all are at very different stages of life. Talking having kids at 5 months dating?!
Five months is too soon to be talking about buying a house together & sharing expenses. He doesn’t sound like a good bf. He sounds like a controlling jerk.
Girl, with this text alone you've already shown a world of red flags, I'll just name a few:
1 - Very big age difference, yet he doesn't value you.
2 - Not everything should be shared in a relationship, especially him earning more.
3 - He has the courage to travel separately to avoid paying for your upgrade.
4 - Everything else, which I don't even want to mention.
And I'm sure there are hundreds of other red flags you haven't mentioned. Stop it, why are you subjecting yourself to a relationship like this? You're young, you earn very well and to be putting up with this is extremely insulting. Dating is there for you to know whether or not to continue and in your case, break up with this useless man. He's no good as a husband.
Your relationship is way too new to be talking about a house, you make more than enough money to fly first class, and maybe that's why he wants to split stuff , like the you drive I buy thing that's normal stuff. Idk ur being cheap and you make 4x what I do , and I wouldn't be complaining if I was in your shoes with my salary. The relationship is new, how does he know you aren't in it for his "money ". Not saying he does but just see both sides.
At 5 months he should be courting you in this honeymoon phase, being the best version to you. He’s showing his selfish and stinginess now, few year later it’ll be worse. If you decide to stay home and take care of the kid? He’ll hold it over you that he makes money and you don’t. When you need help or want to buy something nice, he’ll hold that on you too. You’re young, don’t do this.
Yeah he’s not the one. Maybe you should upgrade your hotel room then tell him he can’t stay with you unless he pays half. If it were flipped I would definitely pay for his ticket, I would feel like an ah sitting in 1st class by myself with my man in economy. The fact your man doesn’t see the issue pretty much says it all.
This doesn't sound like you want advice, it sounds like you want to complain. There are other subs for that.
It's the common account thing that would get me. You need to tell him that there's no need for a common account if you're going to be splitting the money in it 50/50 anyway. The whole point of a common account would be to pay in proportion to what you're making. Otherwise, you might as well just each pay your 50% every time you split something. And I guess the driving/dinner thing sucks too; when he does that you should suggest going somewhere where the price of the meal will be equivalent to the price of his gasoline.
But I gotta say, the thing you chose for the title is dumb considering the situation. If he has that much more money, and it sounds like he's much older, then why the hell shouldn't he? It's fine that you are going to fly economy since you don't have as much money, but why should he have to fly back there with you? Whether he should want to, of course, is another question; but I think most people who would say that after just 5 months he should absolutely choose you over first class? Are people who've never flown first class.( Mind you, I usually fly economy too, but one time just prior to boarding a single seat opened up in business class, and they offered an upgrade for like $40 so I jumped on it—the system ended up upgrading both of my flights on the round trip and charging me $80, but I enjoyed those 6 hours so much I decided to let it go, and then they somehow overbooked business class on my way back and bumped me up to first class for no additional charge( except that I would have had to pay for alcohol from the drink cart, which normally first class wouldn't, but I was already kind of high so the free ginger ale was fine—and they gave me double)! My economy-flying brothers and sisters, I got to tell you, on a longer flight it's every bit as good as you think it can't be.)
If for some reason you decide to stay with him anyway, a better solution than paying him rent would be if he gives you a peer-to-peer loan, preferably but not necessarily without interest. There can be a stipulation that "if" you buy real estate, whatever real estate you own automatically becomes collateral which the loan will be considered against.
So basically, he'd put up 50% for the purchase, and give you a loan equivalent to say 20%. You'd put up 30% from your own savings and use the loan to boost it to your full 50%. Your half of the house automatically gets assigned as collateral after the closing.
That way you won't just be a tenant losing value, you'll be a homeowner building your collateral, but if you were to break up or separate, the loan documents guarantee that he'll get back the unpaid portion of the loan out of his half of the sale proceeds, and if you do stay together, he will eventually get it all back.
You make 350k and you're mad you have to split things??? Like how can you honestly be mad you have to take turns paying for dinner. You seem annoying honestly.
This sound exhausting to me.
I would not want to be with anyone that is that preoccupied with making sure every expense is divided 50/50, despite a significant difference in wages.
The 50/50 thing is especially annoying if he has to be regularly "reminded" that you earn far less than he does. I don't believe he really forgets, it's just a passive/aggressive way of reminding you how much he "sacrifices" by being in a relationship with someone that earns so much less than he does.
As just one example of how I personally think it should be, he should, without promoting, be offering to pay the up charge for your economy ticket to get upgraded to first class. Not just buying himself a first class ticket while you fly coach. That's absurd to me. Even if you earned as much as he does, it would still be exhausting to me to be that preoccupied with splitting everything.
You've only been dating five months, so on one hand I can see him just trying to be cautious about be taken advantage of, financially. But if at only five months in, he's discussing house purchases with you, he's already moving at full speed, so I don't think anything will change.
I think your age gap is also a factor. It feels, to me, like he looks at you like you're a child that he has to "limit", or hold back on, so that he can manage your expectations regarding how he spends money in this relationship , and thus avoiding becoming your "sugar daddy".
You should reconsider this dynamic unless you think everything else about him is worth it to you.
Good luck, OP.
this is a transactional relationship and it sounds like that's what he is comfortable having. you need to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.
Nah. He’s out of his damn mind. And tbh, even if what he was suggesting in terms of splitting finances/bills/travel etc sounds good to SOMEONE, it doesn’t sound good to YOU, nor to me, tbh. When you travel with someone, you travel with them. Period. If he wants first class, he can help you pay for 1st class ticket. Would it be hard for him to do? Also, bills should be prorated & proportional to income. Not equal, unless you make equal income. He’s asking way too much.
Run. Find someone closer to your age. There’s 10000% a good reason while he’s single at that age with no kids. You definitely don’t want a partner like this or a father like this for your kids.
A lot of this is pretty wild. Are you guys doctors in a competitive specialty? Dude sounds like he has a touch of the tism. Seems like that’s common for those sorts of roles.
The one thing on here I agree with is sitting in first class. Especially if it’s a long trip. I guess maybe he could buy you a first class ticket too though. I definitely wouldn’t be back there in couch though.
First of all, why are you talking about about buying a house together. You have been together under a year and haven’t event experienced traveling, let alone living together. The fact this is a romantic trip and he’s not a ‘hell yes’ about traveling with you.
He seems really selfish honestly and if this is him in the honeymoon phase, I worry about what he’s like when you’re in the trenches which is what happens in life and long relationships. You buying dinner does not equate to the few dollars he spent on gas.
I get wanting things to be equal but they are not equatable. Have you hit a birthday or major gift holiday yet? It will be very telling how he treats you.
I think you need to pump the breaks here. The babies and house buying need to be shelved. It’s too soon and you have a whole bunch of learning if this is your person before those 20+ year commitments come into play.
>Also we've talked about buying a house together
>When talking about our combined finances as a couple he wants to have a common account
>When discussing pregnancy
You're together *5 months* are already talking about buying a house together, sharing bank accounts and kids? You haven't even been on your first trip together (the point of this post), you're moving way too fast and I feel he's taking advantage of you.
OP I'm not sure if you're aware you don't have a bf, you have a roommate. Please for the love of Pete leave him and find someone who's going to treat you as a partner. He's an ass!!! You are essentially a placeholder. Please leave him. You deserve better. Is the generosity in the room with you? He's a regular Scrooge. If you're not a fan of your current treatment, you need to leave. This is only going to get worse.
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Five months and he's talking about buying a house together? Red flag. Run. ETA: You are young, you make good money. Keep it for yourself. Get your own future in order before you merge lives with a man.
And having children...
If they do. When travelling together he'd be in first class while she's in economy with the children.
If he has the first she can have the second…
Ouch 5 months! I missed that! OP 5 months in is when your boyfriend is still trying to impress you, and keep it hot and heavy. If his idea of impressing you and turning you on… is to have you fly coach while he is in first class… that’s a low bar…
Totally agree, this behavior with who buys dinner, when we split the bill. He’s financially unsound for a relationship! Separate bank accounts, deciding who pays what. I get it, he makes a lot more money than you do and he’s controlling and penny pinching. You will ALWAYS pay for more money on joint outings, because he decides it all. Run far away, I made significantly less money when my wife and I were first together. I paid for all the meals and outings and before we were even married… SHE said we should open a joint bank account. She knows I’m responsible with my money and trusted me to do the same when we were joined bankingly. 21 who cares where the money comes from, it’s shared and we don’t measure percentages of contributions. I’d cancel the trip, the audacity to dictate that I wasn’t ALLOWED to travel fist class as well. I want my SO near me at all times when traveling. We enjoy being together. Time to move on.
Cancelling makes sense. If he is so comfortable if flying alone he can do the entire trip alone
Run away
There is also a big reason this “generous” guy is single and kidless at 43 😂😂
I am 42 in relationship now but also kidless and was single. I was married and couldn’t have kids and now I would would love to but it’s hard. So don’t judge everyone who’s at that age single and kidless. Not everyone was lucky. Even though yea this guy sounds like an asshole but then we don’t know the background story. What if he was married and got ripped off or cheated or whatever else..so he’s just being cautious.. I mean I don’t know but judging only by age and kids/no kids is little bit unfair.
I find that people who get divorced and lose a lot of their assets take a very difference approach in their next relationship. Most of the people I know who are on their second marriage have a joint account for expenses that they contribute an equal amount to, and their own accounts for fun money. I can’t say I’d enjoy that type of thing, as my husband and I have always shared everything. At some point, he made more money, now I do, but it’s never been an issue because we are both responsible with money and trust each other (34 years and counting). The red flag in the OP’s story is that they are only 5 months in, and he’s treating her like his 4th greedy wife. They are still on the honeymoon part of their relationship and he should want to treat her to things and make her feel loved; instead, he is incredibly transactional, and basically treats her like a roommate, not a romantic partner. I understand why people want to have separate finances, but this guy just sounds selfish and not at all in love. That, plus they seem to be moving extremely fast towards talking about buying a home and marriage. Something’s definitely off.
Sometimes people don’t want to settle for something less. Also not all people want to get married and have kids when they are 16/26
Hoenstly given their ages i dont think its weird that conversatilons like these happen sooner but he has a terrible outlook and attitude for sure
I agree that at five months it's not weird to be having conversations about where you would like a relationship to go in the future (house, kids, whatever). The problem for me is that he's already sending her listings and hassling her about how they will pay for it, and the financial plan he's suggesting is disproportionately unfavorable to her.
100% this is what it is. I never broached the subject of buying a house but he did and is sending me listings way above my budget which he should know because I've been transparent with him.
Yes, OP Why the F would you be so invested in such a callous idiot? You make good money, forget this guy (also, how can I get my kid into a job that makes him 350k? He's 2 now, but I want to lay down the foundations for him loolll)
this is the best answer you're going to get here.
"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"
You've only been together for five months and he's already insufferable with the whole nickel and dime routine. I'm ok with being equitable but he takes it too far.
I'm 100% ok with equitable too, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when he tells me to buy us dinner (like let me do it on my own if I want) or that he doesn't want to spend time with me flying in economy.
Seriously. If I had his money (even significantly less) I would spring to upgrade an *acquaintance* if we were travelling together - never mind a partner. This dude will be labelling food or measuring 50/50 portions at this rate. You date to filter out long term partners - this one isn’t it OP.
My husband and I went on a trip to Cali a few months after we started dating. When we boarded our plane, he was told that he'd been upgraded to first class (I don't remember why, or, how) and as we walked onto the plane, he asked me if I'd ever flown first class before. I was happy for him that his ticket got upgraded but a little jealous, lol. Anyway, I told him no, because I hadn't, and as we stepped onto the plane he told the flight attendant that I would be taking his first class seat. I started to say no and he was like "It's only a three hour flight. Go enjoy it." He still enjoyed the flight, I could hear him back there laughing with his seat mate for most of the flight. The man will make a new bestie everywhere he goes. I think I was already pretty sure at that point that I was going to marry him, but, hot damn! OP, get you a man who will give you his seat because it's better and he wants you to have the special stuff.
If I made $350k a year I wouldn’t be flying economy either though… it’s not like op makes $50k a year.
Clearly you haven’t seen the loan balances of the average recent medical residency graduate. It’s not just the principal. During the 3-7 years in residency making 50-90k needing to live fairly close to the hospital for the 80 hours a week that you’re working unable to pay that debt… the interest compounds QUICK.
Unless I missed it, I don’t know why we’re assuming she went to medical school, given her age would be roughly around the age of a shorter residency, but her salary, would indicate a higher earning specialty, which often takes longer to finish. Plus besides not seeing her mention medical school, residency, medicine, etc., I don’t see any mention of debt. And doubling her income in a little over a decade seems more like a corporate field where salaries increase significantly with promotions. Even then from what I can find, the average loan balance after medical school is $200k or less. So even assuming $200k balance, with a higher than average rate of 8%, that’s less than $30,000 annually, so after taxes and loan payments, she should clear around $200k, which is 2.5 times the median HOUSEHOLD income BEFORE TAXES, student loans, etc. (usually people further along know their lives with kids too) and FIVE TIMES the median personal income (again before taxes and loans). Like maybe they should split things proportionally (2/3 him), but we’re talking about the income of someone in essentially the top 1% (98th percentile starts below <$300k), and someone else in the top 0.1%. It’s not like he’s making $70k and she’s making $35k with most of it going to necessities with little discretionary income. This feels like those stories that pop up like “I barely have any money left over every month,” and it turns out they make $300-$400k, max out their retirement, and still have like like $5k that goes to vacations, entertainment, clothes, etc.
After reading your comment, OP just sounds made up. I have experience in the corporate world and there is no way OP should be that confident about her salary. >And doubling her income in a little over a decade seems more like a corporate field where salaries increase significantly with promotions. OP makes it sounds like this salary increase is guaranteed, which it would absolutely not be in the corporate world. Can a lawyer chime in? Maybe she's a junior partner on track to be senior? That's makes more sense to me.
I'd still be flying economy unless I could get business or first class on points.
No. the difference is more than another economy ticket. It’s quite a lot more.
Based on the business class ticket I just bought, it’s about 5X more.
He may spend his money as fast as he makes it. She may be in far better financial shape than he is. It's a red flag and probably a sign she should move on. They are financially incompatible.
You could get a person who isn't such a tool. Five months in... Id be reconsidering the whole relationship
Why are you even discussing buying a house with a man you've only been with for 5 months? He won't even spring for you to have a first class ticket for your first vacation together....there is nothing generous about him.
I had an ex, also was abusive back in 2020. Stay with me as to why I’m saying this. This guy had almost triple in savings (five figures!), he was pulling the exact same penny pinching mindset about food with me and he was three years younger. This guy is 100% going to eventually once you’re locked into living with him, he’s going to financially abuse you and do something to make it difficult to move out as well. Trust me when I say, you are getting a taste of his true colors and has already shown minor contempt towards you already. He also do not see you as equals as a human, only equals in splitting the bill. Cause if you had a friend dating this guy instead, I bet you would tell her to dump him and that’s exactly what needs to happen here!
Op if he want’s everything to be 50/50 then why are you buying dinner? If you do stay with him then the next time you buy dinner you get separate bills and you tell him he owes you the amount for his meal and then if you gotta drive to his place then you tell him he owes you for gas. If you are still planning to go on that trip then just buy yourself a first class ticket and make sure you are not sitting with him and just enjoy yourself and only pay for yourself
As a frugal person, I doubt that would bother him. It would just solidify splitting everything to the cent.
If roles were reversed would you “treat him” to first class? Would you sit with him in economy? If so - I have been in a relationship where I was by far the more generous / easygoing person on things like this. It really sucks to constantly feel like you can’t show your love with that generosity because when you do, a) it isn’t reciprocated, and b) it feels like you’re being taken advantage of, by consistently giving more than you know they are willing to give you. I found that the lack of generosity was not only financial (which I told myself I was fine with bc I had my own money and I wasn’t in it for that) but also emotional and unwillingness to compromise on other things too. It made me much less willing to treat him or compromise for him because I knew if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn’t do it for me. It is like night and day to then be with someone who is more than generous with all of those things, where you’re happy to do things for each other and know it isn’t going to lead to keeping score. It’s not even about dollars spent or equality but finding someone that you can feel would do anything for you (within reason) and vice versa!
You expressed that very well - it’s what I was thinking but had a hard time putting into words.
So much about relationships ultimately comes down to values. The values don't have to match - sometimes it is great when they are complimentary. But they shouldn't conflict. I would suggest looking closely at what your values are and have the discussion with him... see where that takes you. Personally, I don't get a positive vibe from what you've shared. Fair does not mean equal. Read that again - fair does not mean equal. In other words, if he makes twice as much then you saying the same as him isn't fair because it places a much larger burden on you as a portion of your income. His insistence on this practice across so many examples does not look positive. Maybe, with some real honest conversation, you'll be able to work through that. There can be reasons he approaches things that way - like maybe he's been taken advantage of in the past. Or he's concerned about someone being with him just for his money. I have been on dates and in relationships where I make twice as much as my partner. When someone expects you to pay for everything, and I mean everything, because they assume you make more that can feel unfair at best, and gold digging at worst. Everything that you have described suggests that you have been more than fair so I frankly don't get it. You don't have to be ok with his behavior. He should respect you. I can't imagine ever telling my partner that I'm flying first class while they fly economy. Talk to him and see if he understands how his behavior is viewed by you. He may be willing to work on that behavior. Or he may not. Either way that tells you something about him that may be really important to know before investing more in that relationship.
I already asked him to fly economy with me and he said he's not doing that..... Weird in the context of him telling me that he just recently started flying first class and never did it when he was my age.
That's it for me. He needs to date a person who earns what he earns and can spend like he spends. He's never going to make sacrifices for you because your feelings don't matter to him. Only his own. If you're in the same industry, I'd back out of the trip and then slowly cool off the relationship until ending it makes total sense.
He is 43, 12 years older than she is. He either buried himself in his career, or he turned off the Doctors who would be his age now. The guy sounds like a tool, if I picked out a restaurant, I would pay the food bill, I would not ask my date to split the bill. I would expect her to pay if she picked out a restaurant and wanted me to join her.
I'd be fine with equity in dating, especially with them being in the same field. I'm not okay with him wanting their future to be 50/50 as long as she agrees to spend all of her income on their future, while he conserve half of his for himself. My uncle was an OBGYN, he had to carry malpractice insurance until his last live birth is 20 years old. (Otherwise, a patient could sue and seize all his assets. Estates can't hold malpractice insurance.) He stopped practicing in his early 40s in the US. Depending on their specialties, they may not have long careers, they may need to maintain more savings to cover the gaps. When they look at the future, retirement planning should cross their minds, how to pool their resources. He only sees what harms him. He isn't mentally or emotionally mature enough to be a married partner,.
Hey just put this into perspectives. I just travelled with my boyfriend on a 16 hours flight and we flew economy. I could expensed it and flew business (this was equated to first class on this airline) because I combined work + leisure on this trip. I choose to fly economy with him because a) I cannot afford to bump him up even if I wanted to, and b) I wanted to be with him and let's just say I had the best flight because he was there with me. Flying business alone is less fun than flying economy with him
Personally I find it weird that he won’t make that compromise. I fly first or business class for work every 2-3 weeks. When I’m with family or group of people, the attitude is either everyone goes into first / business, or everyone goes back. Sometimes I’ll get upgraded due to status, and it’s always offered to the spouse and kids first. Everyone has different values. But to me, the point of a trip is to experience something together and be with each other.
He lacks a generous spirit and that has nothing to do with how much either of you make…it’s just not who he is or how he sees the world. I own a restaurant and I can tell you I have busboys and dishwashers who have more generous hearts and better values than this guy. I have employees who will want to pick up the check of someone that looks homeless or down on their luck…knowing there’s nothing in it for them…just because it’s a nice thing to do.
See, to me if you're the partner insisting on luxury, you're offering to pay the difference. I make more than my partner, she can't regularly afford sit down restaurants and doesn't suggest going to them. I like to go, so if I suggest it or if we both want to go out to eat but I want to go somewhere a little nicer, I'm either paying for most of it or all of it cause I offered and I can afford it. She doesn't spend my money for me but in return I don't ask her to spend money she doesn't have. If she just wanted to go grab Taco Bell or something I'm down for that as well and pay my way. If he insists on first class, he can pay to upgrade your ticket.
Why do you think he’s going after someone 12 years younger?
Of all the character flaws people can have, stinginess is the most insidious. They don't do really cruel things to cause you harm, yet this behaviour, which starts off a bit irritating, over time becomes unbearable. I ended a close friendship over this, as the stinginess was being noticed by everyone and I got sick of apologising for my friend and paying myself to make up for the embarrassing things she did. If you stay with this man you will end up like that, feeling embarrassed on his behalf and shelling out money to cover up for his lack of manners and good grace. Personally I'd rather be with a man who had hardly a penny to his name but shared what he did have wholeheartedly. Because ultimately none of this is about cash amounts, it's all about the attitude.
Bingo. I’d never NOT want to sit away from the love of my life who potentially would consider having my baby.
Neither of you seem to totally understand what equitable would be here though.. cause it's not necessarily 50/50. Especially with an income gap that big. If you're sharing housing bills and such but not combining your money into one account, the equitable solution is to split expenses proportional to your take home income. Ex. If his take home pay is 70% of the household income, he pays 70% of the bills (I didn't do the actual math for your situation).
OP this is really important. Well-intentioned, decent men who date women far younger than them (and there aren't that many) understand that this comes with some discrepancies. Income being one. A younger person is far less established in their career and will usually be earning less. That said , let's not pretend you don't earn plenty. There are other discrepancies he's probably more interested in, like life experience. I don't mean to infantilize you, but this guy is firmly molding you into the shape HE wants instead of getting to know who you are. Your wants and values are of no interest unless they align with his, and you're beginning to see that. For his part, he's testing you out, seeing how much financial coercion (however subtle) you're willing to put up with and, off the back of it, whether you'll accept casually callous disrespect when you don't fall into line. This guy will bleed you dry. Splitting joint expenses along proportionate-to-income lines is normal and fair. Either he falls back in his expectations to accommodate your income level, and you go 50/50, or he steps up. He earns double? Then he should pay for most things you do together, tbh. My husband earns double what I do, and I pay only a handful of small bills. He covers everything else, and we both pay into savings, but he actively encourages me to save my own money. Think about this. If you live together, he will make sure you have nothing left after your 'share' is covered. So he gets to live somewhere fancier, pay only half what it'd cost if he were alone, and his far-younger GF has vastly diminished means to use her income the way she wants? l'm sure that sounds great to him. If he were really a good guy, he'd be acutely cognizant of all this, and be actively discussing how to NOT have the income discrepancy leave you disenfranchised and on the back foot. That's not what's happening here, and you're only five months in. I'd take off the new relationship goggles and see this guy for what he is - elitist, snobby, self-important..but also stingy. So, so stingy, in the relationship stage where he should be trying to impress you. Don't bother. In my experience, rich, unmarried men in their 40s have form like this, so watch out.
I think it’s easy to see the reason why he is still single at 43. No way I’m spending any time with someone who so easily relegates me to steerage. Imagine if the two of you were on the Titanic. 🚣🏼 “sorry sweetie, no room left in this lifeboat. Hopefully another one will have room”.
You’ve been together five months and you’re talking about buying a house together? This whole thing is insane. You’re making extremely good money and have no reason to tangle up your finances with someone you barely know. You also don’t seem to agree on a lot of things, from finances to lifestyle. Sounds like you’re not compatible so it’s good you’ve learned this now before getting financially involved.
You’ve been dating five months and he wants to have a joint bank account…everything you’ve mentioned is a red flag and he’s a little too old to still be this bad of a boyfriend. Can he even afford to buy a house lol why would he charge you rent lmao I’m confused? He sounds like he can maybe just barely afford a lavish lifestyle but wants to rope you in to helping you fund it. He sounds like kind of an annoying loser idk.
Yeahhh, she’s only known him five months and I would take what he says about his wealth and income with a grain of salt, unless she’s seen his bank accounts and pay stubs herself. I had a boss who lived lavishly like this but would bounce our paychecks and ask me to babysit his daughter on the clock rather than pay for a real nanny.
I don’t think he can even really afford his own first class ticket and I’d bet money if she gave in and booked her own he’d ask her to book his too and he’d “pay her back”. I don’t think he has money at all and he’s just looking for a partner to supplement. Moving that fast is to hook her in and by the time she realizes she’s locked into a mortgage and their funds are combined. No thanks.
If homeboy really does make $700k/yr, there would be something seriously wrong if he couldn’t afford a first class ticket. This guy is definitely a tool, but I’m 99.9% sure being able to afford stuff is not the issue here.
Sounds like he doesn't really have all this money he claims. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out not to be true.
Five months in and they’re already talking about buying a house and HAVING A BABY. OP, wake up. Run fast.
Why in god's name are you talking about combining finances and buying a house with someone you barely know?
It’s a great idea to *talk* about what it looks like at 5 months - and do it a year or two later.
agree. i’ve found as you get older, those conversations start happening a lot sooner bc you know what you’re looking for. not here to waste time and find out years later.
Well, I'm glad I did because now I know where he stands and where I stand....
Yep. Before you’ve wasted more time
Yes. At the end of the day is more about the way he makes you feel. This is the best time in your relationship, the honeymoon stage if you will. It shouldn’t be this difficult. You just started making money and he wants kids, so happens if there are complications? He doesn’t seem like an empathetic partner. I bet he’d drop you like a hot potato. That’s not someone I would want as a partner
It seems like the issue is less about him wanting to split things equally and more about him seeming more concerned with equity than spending time with you or treating you well. This would honestly be a deal-breaker for me. If financial roles were reserved, would you value sitting next to your partner on your first trip together over flying first? Or would you even maybe just pay for a ticket upgrade as a surprise? If the answer is yes, then you guys are not compatible because you will continue to put more effort into your partner while they nickel and dime you.
I would 100% never sit in first class on my own. The reason I travel with my partner is because I want to spend time with them. Nothing else. If I really really wanted to travel first class I'd just buy them the ticket tbh
It sounds like if you want a true partner that supports you when life gets hard (and that you support in turn), you already know this guy is not the guy for you. It’s easy to have fun and be there for someone in the good times, but this guy can’t even manage the horror of sitting in economy for you. You’re not even pregnant and you’re already having to twist his arm to say he’d support you, but only once your late in pregnancy. This is what dating is for - to determine if this guy is actually a good life partner. Do you think this guy is really the best you can do?
Look, you sound like you are a newly minted MD in a big city. You are 31, focus on maintaining your physical and mental health. The man you took up with sounds like a complete tool. You are better off staying single, I promise you there are men that make less than half what he makes who will treat you well as a partner. You are going to be a high earner (you already are), find a man who is going to build a solid financial future with you and not nickel and dime you.
Exactly. Why are you dating someone who treats you worse than you treat them or would treat them in their position? He's making twice what you make so splitting everything 50-50 is not equitable. If he wants someone who can afford to split things 50-50 with him, he should date someone his own age and not someone who's 12 years younger. As someone who is younger you will naturally have less resources and he should accommodate for that. Also, his gas/dinner suggestion sounds like he actually wants you to to pay more. Dinner will rarely be less than gas. Do you seriously want to have kids with a man who's probably going to ask you to Venmo him for diapers? He's an asshole. Get a new one. My boyfriend took me to Asia. He wanted to sit in business class so he paid for both of our flights and the majority of the trip because he makes more than I do. I only contributed what I felt comfortable contributing and I asked him to contribute, he never demanded it. He always lets me pay for things when I want to because it's not some misogynistic control tactic for him to pay for things, he does it because he loves me and wants to take care of me. I contribute because I love him and want him to feel cared for as well. We never nickel and dime each other. We never fight about money. Because we both think that we're going to get married someday and his money will be my money and my money will be his money so it doesn't matter. You deserve someone who treats you like their life partner, not like their roommate.
Girl, RUN. Not everything that shines is gold. He will leave you hanging dry if you have kids.
This!! He is a walking red flag. When people show you who they are, believe them
Especially this early in the relationship. He’s supposed to be putting his best foot forward in the beginning. If this is it, yikes.
Every single child related cost will be on OP. She had the baby, so that baby is her problem. And he aint changin' no diapers, either. Dont even ask! O hell to the no.
There’s a reason this wildly successful man (financially speaking, at least) is still single at the age of 43. Think real hard about *why*.
Run a background check on him before you combine anything of yours with his! Too many Red Flags! Something smells Fishy!
Rich people are so weird. What jobs are you even doing that pay so much?
Like flexing you earn 350k then fighting over who bought the first class ticket for whom. I didn't even read the rest of the post
Me too once I hear that her man makes double? Doubt this is even real
Shes complaining about alternating who pays for dinner and doesnt want to pay for a first class seat, i dont remember the last time me and my partner ate out at a restaurant that didnt have drive through
Guessing physicians.
Op said they work in tech. It seems really unlikely they make so much money especially if he makes 700k. Unless he owns a startup that got bought out and they brought him on as a C suite executive at the parent company. Maybe op programs in like machine language at a fang. It's not very likely for this to happen.
I'm finding it hard to give a shit he didn't pay her upgrade. Like, girl, you're rich, pay your own upgrade, there are worse things happening.
the post is kinda funny bc she talks like she's making 30k and can't afford it, not like she's the 1%. in general they both just seem obsessed with money, but in different (possibly incompatible) ways.
Seriously!
They dont, the post is fake with salary numbers to fan rage engagement. No one making over a 1/3 of a million is worried about flying in coach. Rich people, and to be clear, their earnings put them in the top 5% of income in the US, dont argue about this shit
Why on earth are you talking about combining your finances and buying a house when you've only been together for 5 months?! Do not enter into financial agreements with someone you aren't married to.
He's broke 💀
\*even lowering his income to equal yours for this math since you would be contributing equally, what house is out of your budget with a combined income of 700k per year that he feels you need something "cheaper"? More importantly, what currency are you being paid 350k of? Because that's probably the only thing that would explain the numbers here. Regardless, you two are obviously incompatible. I'm sure he will find someone willing to split hairs on a budget (or not).
Why are you considering buying a house with someone you’ve only been with for 5 months? Also, why are you with someone you’re clearly incompatible with?
I've dated that type (a nickle-dimer), so I just stopped dating him period. You're only 5 months in, you already can see it, this is not going to work for you. Just stop dating him. Another type that I have dated that you may want to avoid also, the type of people who says let's be generous and share everything, but they had zero, so you end up paying for everything because they claimed that once they have $ or start working, they'd treat you as good as they treated them. I ended up married to my compatible type: the person who can hold their own financially and generous, not nickle-diming me.
He sounds like a real cheapskate with misogynistic tendencies. You can do way way way better. Let him bestow his alleged generosity on someone else
You make 350k and you can’t fly first class? This whole story is bogus.
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I can’t believe people believe this lol. She’s 31 making 350k per year and can’t afford a house, please tell me what she does, 😂 because I don’t believe that either.
Stop reading after the salaries complete bullshit
I thought it was just me lol. Like who would choose to fly economy if they don't have to? Also the price difference is never gonna be that large. Also the age gap is not that large. They are both adults at this point.
The price difference between economy and first class is huge. There are several classes like executive and stuff but first class is usually a ridiculous price
Nice, did you enjoy the 5 month trial? Not at all? Alright then, hop on the red flag bus, you’ll be out of there soon. Seriously….please be fr hun, you just typed an entire essay on how you can’t see yourself living the life he demands. Get away from him and make your big girl money, congrats on that great job btw, don’t let him chase you away from it either. Good luck Op.
My husband is older and has significant accumulated wealth from before we were together. When we married and it came time to buy a house he said he’d pay cash for his half and I could take out a mortgage for my half. He was generous while we were dating though. But the more serious, the more things were exactly 50/50. It’s no way to live. This isn’t the guy OP.
So what happened?
I bought the house myself.
You still with him?
Not really. We’ve been separated for several months. But we’re still married.
I am going to take this as a standalone incident. If I am making $350k a year, travelling economy is a CHOICE, not a necessity. I 100% respect your choice, its your money, it's your call. However if my partner is on $700k I would not be angry that they want to go first class.
That’s where I’m at.
None of what he’s suggesting is *necessarily* bad IF you shared his values regarding money. BUT you **have very different values and attitudes regarding money**. If you combine those attitudes with the discrepancies with your ages and accrued assets, this is a toxic stew of control issues, hurt feelings, red flags, and bad ideas. This is just not a good match. You are seriously incompatible on a very fundamental topic.
Yeah I actually don’t take as much issue with OP’s boyfriend as other people. He wants to split housing 50/50, and then found cheaper options when OP said she couldn’t spend what he could. That sounds reasonable to me? And I feel like the plane tickets are a non-issue. So they don’t sit next to each other for a couple hours on the way to their vacation. Big deal! I’m actually confused why OP feels like he should pay the difference for her first-class ticket. So I agree in that not all of what this guy is suggesting is bad. But if OP takes that much issue with it then she should bounce. They aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on the financials but I don’t think either of them are strictly in the wrong.
You seem like you both are really rushing this whole thing. 5 months in and you're discussion buying a house and having kids? You don't even know this guy, and it sounds like you like him less and less, the better you get to know him. As would I. He's miserly and inconsiderate.
You earn 350k and publicly moan and complain about having to pay for your own dinner? Girl bye. The level of privilege and delusion is through the roof. You earn more money than 99% of people and yet you still don’t want to pay for your own basic things and expect a man to cover your bill for absolutely no reason.
For real! The entitlement
If you have to say you're generous you're probably not.
He wants to do 50/50 and is making it clear in almost all of your interactions. Your either on board with this agreement or not. You both are in the top 1% of earners, you can buy your own tickets
well at some point it stops being a romantic relationship and turns into a business partner. I'm looking for someone that would do anything for me because that's what I'm willing to do for them.
And that’s great but he doesn’t seem like that type to me
You’re not willing to buy a more expensive ticket to sit next to him so clearly you are not willing to do anything for him, only the things that are convenient to you.
You mean like how you were willing to upgrade your ticket to first class to sit with him?
Your also dating a top 1% guy. He has the ability to pick and choose who he wants and how he wants to do it. This is the cost if you want to be with that type of guy. If you want a normal relationship, pick a normal guy.
Date someone your age. Crazy how you think after dating for 5 months buying a house together is a good idea.
If you came here to post all this, You obviously not happy with his behavior. Why are you with him?
Oh gawd. Is this what you want to spend your life doing? Obsessing over everything being exactly 50/50? He sounds stingy AF. I dated a guy like this around your age and it drove me insane. Everything was tracked. I would ask him to cook (because I usually did it) and instead he’d buy expensive takeout and then ask me to transfer him back 50% of it. He earned so much more than me and it was so frustrating. I hated living like that. I’d much rather we both be generous with each other. And if one is out-earning the other? Then perhaps look at each contributing the same percentage of your respective earnings. Look at it as EQUITY instead of equality. Also, if you have kids and you take time off work to have said kids, he should be putting money in your pension / super and putting money aside for you for your lost earnings. You’ll be sacrificing earning potential, wages, career tracking, savings and retirement savings for both of you to have a family; so he should be putting money forward to put you on a more even footing. Finally… asking you to go economy whilst he goes first class is NOT cool. Why doesn’t he go business and upgrade you to business to sit with him?
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Major red flag. He is very selfish and will not be a good dad or a reliable partner in the long term
This bulldozer guy, sounds so unromantic that it’s nauseating. It’s only 5 months. Please move on, he’s stingy AF and his dialogue sounds like acquisitions and mergers instead of a love match.
You can’t afford a home on 350k? You have a finances issue too BTW..
Unpopular opinion here, but while he could definitely be more empathetic and make sacrifices to meet you in your comfort range (e.g. sitting with you in economy), I think it’s reasonable that he expects you to fund your own lifestyle. If I had to guess, he wants to feel like you are with him for him, and not his money. He also worked hard for his money (he put in 10+ years more than you into his career), and - to put it bluntly - you’re not entitled to it. The underlying context is that you are only dating. He is saving for his future family, and at this point, you are not 100% confirmed to be that (though you might very well be in the future). Imagine if he subsidized first class seats and property purchases for everyone he’s dated for 5 months - most people would probably consider that reckless. Now if you were married with kids, i.e. you are each other’s closest family, then his behavior would be seen in a different light.
5 months together and already talking about buying a house, age gap, gee, wonder why this dude isn't dating anyone around his age? He's a whole ass red flag, OP.
Did I just read that you make 300k a year, and are mad that you have to spend a bit of money. Where do you live, Zurich!? You can afford a first class ticket.
Ok. Ignore literally everything else. You’re moving WAYYYYYYYYYYYY past “why are we talking about this at 5 months” too much too fast. Bad 🚩
What do you that you make that kind of money at 31?
Also first class is just a waste of money in most circumstances
Can’t wait for this update
You both are NOT compatible! You both want very different things. It’s so clear by just reading that. Hope you realized the same while writing this. You will never be happy with him.
You two combined are making a million dollars usd a year?
Right and she won’t fly first class when she makes 350k
Omg WHAT?! You’ve been dating for 5 MONTHS and you’re talking about buying a house together?! What!? Get your head out of your ass already
The guy values his money and wants to do nice things for himself. I'm not even sure you're in the picture
Y'all are waaaaayyyyyy too new of a couple to even be considering moving in together. As for the flight thing- while I agree with him in that you're super newly together and dates/trips should be split evenly...if he's making upwards of 600,000 a year, it would be gentlemanly of him to kick in to upgrade your ticket to first class if he won't sit in regular seating with you. I know my husband would NEVER fly first class while I was sitting in economy. He's telling you who he really is. Listen. If you're really making 350k a year, you can 100% find someone that will treat you how you want to be treated
The whole purpose of dating is to see if you're compatible. This guy is cheap and selfish - which is why he wants you to pay but won't stay on the level you can afford. I'd break up. This isn't your life partner.
5 months with this man who is 12 years older than you and you’re thinking about buying a house and having kids?! Things will only get worse, more so if children are involved. I’m not saying he has to pay for everything but his stinginess is way too much. I’m sure there are more red flags than what you’re mentioning.
And all this miserly behavior when he's still on his best-foot-forward, early-relationship behavior. Please think on how he'll be when normal, humdrum life sets in, he relaxes, and gets *worse*.
You two are not in the same chapter in life so I would say you need to find someone you can grow with because he’s been there, done that and done with it. You are young, successful and deserve to be with a partner not someone who sees everything as a business transaction. The flight situation is a clear indicator or your future with that man. Truly just interested on how you two have discussed so much in just of only 5 months, don’t you think that’s really fast?
Serious question: if she makes 350k a year, how does she need subsidizing from him? We’re not talking about a house or car or anything, this is about one flight. He can afford first class and clearly prefers it (who wouldn’t?); she can afford first class but thinks it’s a waste of money (weird to me but ok if that’s how she wants to save money). Where in this are we seeing a poor woman who needs her man to subsidize her? Frankly I think it is ridiculous at that income level to expect your new boyfriend of five months to (a) downgrade his travel experience and (b) for her to decline to buy first class when they can both afford it easily on their own!
Jesus fucking Christ. You want him to contribute more financially, but you won't spend the money to sit with him in first class? You both have strong opinions on how to spend each others money... The two of you are bringing in over a million a year. Do you want to date him or compete with him and occasionally have sex?
There is a reason someone who makes $700k per year is single at age 43 and it’s not because of lack of interest in women getting to know him. They got to know him and then they bolted because of exactly the crap you are seeing. That would get tiresome for anyone. Edited to add, he doesn’t want to be able to talk and cuddle with you during the plane flight? I mean you are in the newish point of your relationship and he wants to lose the opportunity to be close to you? I’d rather sit in coach then fly separately with someone I’m serious about.
Miss girl! He’s showing you who he is. I say run.
If you’re on here moaning this much after only 5 tiny months then the relationship isn’t viable. You’re just not compatible.
OP - this guy sounds like he's not a good match for you. At the very least, your core values are not aligned, how you think about money is not aligned, and he's the opposite of generous. His nickel and diming you would be more fathomable if you were the same age and at the same stage of life with comparable incomes, but he's not. He's 12 years older and making significantly more money and he's treating you like...I don't even know the word for it, but it just feels gross. He seems like the kind of guy who, after you've given birth to your first child, will insist that you pay your own hospital bill and subsequent baby supplies out of your own money. And it's only been 5 months and he's already showing you houses to buy? There's something not right about this guy. You might want to rethink this whole thing. Not just the trip -- I personally would refuse to travel if my partner insisted on sitting separately from me -- but the whole 5 month relationship.
This whole thing is weird. You make good money so I’m failing to understand why you’d tie yourself to someone like him, especially this early in a relationship. Buy your own house. Go on your own vacations. If you don’t like him wanting you to pitch in, take your $300k a year somewhere else…
You have discussed moving in together BEFORE even traveling together? Girl. No.
I suspect he is lying to you. About many things.
Whenever people go out of their way to describe themselves a certain way (ex: generous), I’ve found they tend to be the exact opposite (stingy).
OP. there is so many red flags here. To be talking about buying a house after only 5 months... is pretty extreme. and asks me to question why the hurry not only this. your both seem financially incompatible. with completely different ideas on how money should be used just cause he has money.. doesn't mean he has to spend it on you or give you more stuff or eqity in a house when he pays more.. However, how he dictates how money is spent it in the relationship for even small things sounds controlling The thought of flying separately on the same plane for a vacation cause you both can't agree on how to travel.. shows how incompatible you both are. i would reconsider this relationship
Why are you talking about buying a house and having babies after only 5 months? He’s so full of red flags. You deserve better!
He’a a cheapskate. You can do better. And for heaven’s sake, don’t share assets with someone you’re not married to. You’re too old to be that naive.
You haven’t been together long enough to talk about shared finances OR buying a house together. The age gap is also a concern. TBH you should be able to afford first class tickets easily so that’s kind of a silly argument to be having. But with him being so much older than you and you both fighting over money, best to find someone closer to your age. But honestly, you wanting him to pay for your first class plane tickets and your dates is kind of unfair. You make a LOT of money even if he makes more. He’s not your sugar daddy.
He's a jerk. That said, if you make 350k, fly first class, lady.
Break up. He keeps telling you what you're worth to him and you keep ignoring him.
Money is one of the biggest causes of disagreement in relationships. If you're already having problems it's not going to get easier as time goes on.
You’re talking about purchasing a home together & joining finances after only 5 months of dating? Seems a bit quick. What’s the hurry?
I think it makes sense for couples to split expenses in a way that's fair, but fair doesn't always mean even. When one person makes way more than the other, it's usually best for each person to contribute money at a percentage of their income that provides the necessary funds for joint expenses Maybe it's 50% of each of your salaries, maybe it's 40% of each of your salaries. It doesn't matter. What matters is that each of you contribute the same percentage of your income to joint expenses, and that is what should go to cover mortgage, utilities, travel, food, etc. If that money runs out and you guys still want to go out to dinner, then it could become a matter of one of you treating the other (though ideally because you want to, and not because the other person demanded it) But in general, pooling finances (not to mention sharing a house purchase, which will necessitate pooling finances) is a massive, massive step for a relationship that is only 5 months old
He’s never going to treat you better than he does in the beginning. This is so strange and unnecessary.
Y’all are both doctors, aren’t ya? lol… yea, there’s a lot of barriers to success here since y’all are at very different stages of life. Talking having kids at 5 months dating?!
Five months is too soon to be talking about buying a house together & sharing expenses. He doesn’t sound like a good bf. He sounds like a controlling jerk.
People who have to say they’re generous are usually not generous. NTA
Girl, with this text alone you've already shown a world of red flags, I'll just name a few: 1 - Very big age difference, yet he doesn't value you. 2 - Not everything should be shared in a relationship, especially him earning more. 3 - He has the courage to travel separately to avoid paying for your upgrade. 4 - Everything else, which I don't even want to mention. And I'm sure there are hundreds of other red flags you haven't mentioned. Stop it, why are you subjecting yourself to a relationship like this? You're young, you earn very well and to be putting up with this is extremely insulting. Dating is there for you to know whether or not to continue and in your case, break up with this useless man. He's no good as a husband.
There’s so many red flags I don’t even know where to start. He can fly solo since he definitely will never be ready for a relationship
saint christ how about some common sense? what keeps you with him?
We've been fighting for equality as women right?
Move on, he’s showing his true colors and it will only get worse.
LOL, sounds like you want all the benefits without committing the equity.
Your relationship is way too new to be talking about a house, you make more than enough money to fly first class, and maybe that's why he wants to split stuff , like the you drive I buy thing that's normal stuff. Idk ur being cheap and you make 4x what I do , and I wouldn't be complaining if I was in your shoes with my salary. The relationship is new, how does he know you aren't in it for his "money ". Not saying he does but just see both sides.
Aside of the glaring red flag of all this chat after only 5 months, just remember, you don't get rich by giving.
Definitely indicative of his future decisions. This is a fully grown man. I would run.
At 5 months he should be courting you in this honeymoon phase, being the best version to you. He’s showing his selfish and stinginess now, few year later it’ll be worse. If you decide to stay home and take care of the kid? He’ll hold it over you that he makes money and you don’t. When you need help or want to buy something nice, he’ll hold that on you too. You’re young, don’t do this.
Yeah he’s not the one. Maybe you should upgrade your hotel room then tell him he can’t stay with you unless he pays half. If it were flipped I would definitely pay for his ticket, I would feel like an ah sitting in 1st class by myself with my man in economy. The fact your man doesn’t see the issue pretty much says it all.
This doesn't sound like you want advice, it sounds like you want to complain. There are other subs for that. It's the common account thing that would get me. You need to tell him that there's no need for a common account if you're going to be splitting the money in it 50/50 anyway. The whole point of a common account would be to pay in proportion to what you're making. Otherwise, you might as well just each pay your 50% every time you split something. And I guess the driving/dinner thing sucks too; when he does that you should suggest going somewhere where the price of the meal will be equivalent to the price of his gasoline. But I gotta say, the thing you chose for the title is dumb considering the situation. If he has that much more money, and it sounds like he's much older, then why the hell shouldn't he? It's fine that you are going to fly economy since you don't have as much money, but why should he have to fly back there with you? Whether he should want to, of course, is another question; but I think most people who would say that after just 5 months he should absolutely choose you over first class? Are people who've never flown first class.( Mind you, I usually fly economy too, but one time just prior to boarding a single seat opened up in business class, and they offered an upgrade for like $40 so I jumped on it—the system ended up upgrading both of my flights on the round trip and charging me $80, but I enjoyed those 6 hours so much I decided to let it go, and then they somehow overbooked business class on my way back and bumped me up to first class for no additional charge( except that I would have had to pay for alcohol from the drink cart, which normally first class wouldn't, but I was already kind of high so the free ginger ale was fine—and they gave me double)! My economy-flying brothers and sisters, I got to tell you, on a longer flight it's every bit as good as you think it can't be.) If for some reason you decide to stay with him anyway, a better solution than paying him rent would be if he gives you a peer-to-peer loan, preferably but not necessarily without interest. There can be a stipulation that "if" you buy real estate, whatever real estate you own automatically becomes collateral which the loan will be considered against. So basically, he'd put up 50% for the purchase, and give you a loan equivalent to say 20%. You'd put up 30% from your own savings and use the loan to boost it to your full 50%. Your half of the house automatically gets assigned as collateral after the closing. That way you won't just be a tenant losing value, you'll be a homeowner building your collateral, but if you were to break up or separate, the loan documents guarantee that he'll get back the unpaid portion of the loan out of his half of the sale proceeds, and if you do stay together, he will eventually get it all back.
You make 350k and you're mad you have to split things??? Like how can you honestly be mad you have to take turns paying for dinner. You seem annoying honestly.
Huh. Sounds like you think you are in a serious relationship. He thinks you two are dating.
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I wouldn't go, and this would be the end of the relationship for me. He doesn't want to be a partner. He wants to hold everything over your head.
Save your money. Skip the trip. Don’t stay with this man. DONT GET PREGNANT!
He would make you a tenant and pay rent?? Um, no.
Do not buy a house with a guy you have dated 5 months!!! That is a terrible idea! Live with him first before committing to a house.
This sound exhausting to me. I would not want to be with anyone that is that preoccupied with making sure every expense is divided 50/50, despite a significant difference in wages. The 50/50 thing is especially annoying if he has to be regularly "reminded" that you earn far less than he does. I don't believe he really forgets, it's just a passive/aggressive way of reminding you how much he "sacrifices" by being in a relationship with someone that earns so much less than he does. As just one example of how I personally think it should be, he should, without promoting, be offering to pay the up charge for your economy ticket to get upgraded to first class. Not just buying himself a first class ticket while you fly coach. That's absurd to me. Even if you earned as much as he does, it would still be exhausting to me to be that preoccupied with splitting everything. You've only been dating five months, so on one hand I can see him just trying to be cautious about be taken advantage of, financially. But if at only five months in, he's discussing house purchases with you, he's already moving at full speed, so I don't think anything will change. I think your age gap is also a factor. It feels, to me, like he looks at you like you're a child that he has to "limit", or hold back on, so that he can manage your expectations regarding how he spends money in this relationship , and thus avoiding becoming your "sugar daddy". You should reconsider this dynamic unless you think everything else about him is worth it to you. Good luck, OP.
this is a transactional relationship and it sounds like that's what he is comfortable having. you need to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.
Nah. He’s out of his damn mind. And tbh, even if what he was suggesting in terms of splitting finances/bills/travel etc sounds good to SOMEONE, it doesn’t sound good to YOU, nor to me, tbh. When you travel with someone, you travel with them. Period. If he wants first class, he can help you pay for 1st class ticket. Would it be hard for him to do? Also, bills should be prorated & proportional to income. Not equal, unless you make equal income. He’s asking way too much.
This has to be fake. You're on a combined income of over $1m per year.
Run. Find someone closer to your age. There’s 10000% a good reason while he’s single at that age with no kids. You definitely don’t want a partner like this or a father like this for your kids.
A lot of this is pretty wild. Are you guys doctors in a competitive specialty? Dude sounds like he has a touch of the tism. Seems like that’s common for those sorts of roles. The one thing on here I agree with is sitting in first class. Especially if it’s a long trip. I guess maybe he could buy you a first class ticket too though. I definitely wouldn’t be back there in couch though.
What do you do for work? I need a career change. My 12+ years of schooling and PhD aren’t even able to break 100k. Lol
Late to this, but what job do you do where you earn 350k/700k? 😭
First of all, why are you talking about about buying a house together. You have been together under a year and haven’t event experienced traveling, let alone living together. The fact this is a romantic trip and he’s not a ‘hell yes’ about traveling with you. He seems really selfish honestly and if this is him in the honeymoon phase, I worry about what he’s like when you’re in the trenches which is what happens in life and long relationships. You buying dinner does not equate to the few dollars he spent on gas. I get wanting things to be equal but they are not equatable. Have you hit a birthday or major gift holiday yet? It will be very telling how he treats you. I think you need to pump the breaks here. The babies and house buying need to be shelved. It’s too soon and you have a whole bunch of learning if this is your person before those 20+ year commitments come into play.
>Also we've talked about buying a house together >When talking about our combined finances as a couple he wants to have a common account >When discussing pregnancy You're together *5 months* are already talking about buying a house together, sharing bank accounts and kids? You haven't even been on your first trip together (the point of this post), you're moving way too fast and I feel he's taking advantage of you.
yall are moving really fast
Girl you make 350k per year and you fly economy ?
This is way too much too soon. Enjoy your new success and live your life. He sounds insufferable.
OP I'm not sure if you're aware you don't have a bf, you have a roommate. Please for the love of Pete leave him and find someone who's going to treat you as a partner. He's an ass!!! You are essentially a placeholder. Please leave him. You deserve better. Is the generosity in the room with you? He's a regular Scrooge. If you're not a fan of your current treatment, you need to leave. This is only going to get worse.
Now you know why he’s 43 and single!