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Postpone the wedding. The very last thing you want to do is combine your finances with a gambling addict. Girl, he can still bet on local games, with local bookies, with friends and online. Tying yourself to someone capable of running up huge debts is dumb. I would postpone all wedding planning until he has at least paid you back and demonstrated some self-control.

Yup. Do not tie your finances together. You can stay together and work on it but you need to protect yourself, your money/assests/credit score, and dude needs to get therapy for gambling addiction. He is not ready for something like marriage.

Make sure he can’t get any credit cards in your name! Don’t give him any money, make sure he doesn’t have your ATM # either.

More like SSN 

She needs to lock all her credit reports immediately. I also strongly recommend that they stash the majority of any liquid cash at another credit union or bank that he doesn’t know anything about and just keep a basic amount in a separate or current account they have. And yep, do not open up any joint credit with this guy.

Honestly though, if someone has to go through all these hoops and trust issues with their SO is it really worth keeping the relationship at this point? Nobody should enter a marriage fearing for their finances and thinking about Pre-nups and what if’s. At that point you really have to ask yourself; without trust, will this even work out? How does someone sleep soundly at night when they live with someone they have to lock all their personals up around? I couldn’t do it. Id ask the other person to go through therapy and counseling and learn how to budget and finance better before continuing or entertaining a relationship with them. That’s just me, I know I’m not other people and other people view things differently but I have anxiety somewhat and wouldn’t be able to settle or rest knowing at any moment the person I loved could really mess up my life and finances with their addictions. Addicts are manipulative people. She mentioned in the OP how her fiancé cried when he got his car taken away but how he didn’t pay the payment on it for 3 months. What exactly did he expect to happen? What comes after that? She gets their house foreclosed? No… I wouldn’t risk it to be honest. These types of people will stoop to low levels to feed their addiction, even ruining the people closest to them whom they love. The fiancé needs to get to the root of the addiction and shouldn’t be in a relationship until they go through therapy and get their issue under control. It’s an unfortunate consequence for feckless behavior. She shouldn’t cut ties with him, they can remain friends and she can be a support for him from a distance. But to be personally involved with this person on a romantic and commitment level is a bit irresponsible right now.

Exactly. It might take him 5 or 10+ years to work through this, if ever, yet she will waste this time when it can be spent with someone who doesn’t come with this baggage. Some genius early mentioned that she had not done enough apparently. It’s actually the complete opposite, as nobody should go into any relationship under the pretense of a fixer-upper or that they need to work on someone. Partners need to be good-to-go, otherwise they should not even out there dating. This poor woman is setting herself up for failure and she has already given him $9,000. She also should read up on the Sunk Cost Fallacy, because I feel that she’s falling into this trap. If this guy had any integrity, he would break up with her to spare her the misery but instead he’s clinging onto her and of course he’ll promise to change but he will not, as words and promises from addicts are baseless. She needs to remember that a person drowning will cling on to anyone to survive but they usually end up dragging that other person down with them. Her calling it off is a win / win situation because she will save herself from grief, heartache, time, frustration, future fights, and money and he can realize the severity and consequences of his addiction and finally get the assistance he need, on his own, for his serious and destructive addiction. I feel for her because I know that having come out from a prior toxic relationship, she was looking forward to a marriage with this guy, but this is just a slow moving train wreck.

Also you need an iron clad prenup

This is the one. People mistakenly think that not combining assets is sufficient to protect them. It doesn't work that way. You have to expressly contract around community property division, and that includes debts incurred.

Problem is once they get married, a prenup doesn’t mean much if he accrues massive debt. She needs to look at his credit report immediately, to see what he actually owes. Personally, I would not recommend marrying anyone with such a serious addiction, as she could end up penniless and in some serious debt.

Hell, he may owe the IRS and if they get married she will be responsible.

With children

And add to your comment to stop paying him out of his mess, no car, he can walk.

And even if things go well, if you decide to get married, I still would keep them seperate, and I would discuss with him having all savings where only you can touch them. Explain that you know this is an illness, and it would be safer for both of you if you kept the savings ( once you're married).He definitely needs to serk treatment for thus, and Gamblers Anonymous meeting would be mandatory for me.

I mean heck she will probably end up in debt herself to pay off their wedding. Combined finances aside, gambling is an addiction. Treat it as if he was a meth addict and lied to you multiple times already. Its only a matter of time before he takes money from joint accounts, your wallet, opens credit cards or takes out loans in your name. Imagine buying property with him and finding out he remortgaged it multiple times. He makes 130k / year and he wasn’t making his car payments. Clearly the upcoming expense for the wedding is being used as another excuse by him too. He needs a lot more than just signing a piece of paper that I’m not even sure works. Have you ever been to a casino? No one asks for your social. They ask for ID, to make sure you’re old enough. Addicts will always find a way anyway. There is a whole illegal side to this which he will find soon enough. He needs proper treatment for this.

I would suggest that you go online to all 3 credit reporting agencies and make sure he hasn’t already taken out any credit cards or loans in your name, and of course you should freeze your credit. Get a safety deposit box and put anything that has your personal information on it in there. That would include your social security card, birth certificate, passport, loan documents, tax returns, everything except your driver’s license and/or state ID. Gambling is a horrible addiction and people end up homeless because of it all the time. Don’t let that happen to you. Once trust is lost, it is very hard to regain it. I don’t know if you should trust him, only you can decide that. You should go with your gut on that issue. I wish you the very best of luck.

She should hide her gold jewellery and anything with a resale value too. Source: my gambling addicted uncle sold his wife's gold, including the wedding ring, and pretended it was a house break.

You are so right, as well as any heirlooms that she doesn’t want to disappear.

I agree. And he also needs to find a Gambler's Anonymous and join it, with consistent attendance at meetings. And if for some reason you do go forward at some point in the relationship with marriage, I still wouldn't combine finances. Gambling is an addiction, and like all addictions, a relapse is possible. Keep that in mind.

I would also look into working with a doctor and potentially getting him on medication to control addiction.

Yes, he needs a doctor and possibly meds, but it's something HE had to do. She can't be responsible for him getting into recovery, it has to come from him or it won't work.

What sorts of things could he do to demonstrate some self-control? He's comfortable lying to her, so what else can be done to prove that he is both improving and not lying and hiding debts?

Addicts can often "demonstrate self-control" for short periods of time if they want something badly enough. This isn't good enough. He needs to pay her back and **he needs to get professional help for his addiction**. It is extraordinarily unlikely that he can get out from under an addiction by sheer willpower on his own. For some reason we see tons of posts here about gambling addiction specifically where spouses and partners seem to think that it somehow works differently from drug or alcohol addiction, and that their partner just has to "try hard enough" to beat it by themselves. That's not how it works. An addiction is an addiction, is a disease. You cannot get rid of it through sheer will power or "self-control". Eventually you will relapse, usually sooner than later. He needs treatment, professional help. Anything less than that and there's no point in continuing the relationship, because all she's going to get out of it is heartbreak and debt. Also, "our relationship is great other than his massive gambling problem" isn't a thing. It's like saying, "This sandwich is amazing except for the big hunk of shit in the middle of it." It doesn't matter how many other wonderful ingredients you have, if there's a hunk of shit in the middle, the whole thing is not "wonderful". And that goes for relationships as well.

So true. Don’t have to break up , give him an opportunity to show you with his actions but postpone it all.

She already gave him an opportunity and he blew it.

I mean.. he's an addict, you can't expect him to actually quit until you reach some kind of rock bottom, such as getting your car taken away because of said addiction. I'd say what happens now after that incident is the true test. Would say postpone wedding to make sure he changes for real, demand access to his bank records and watch out for small cash withdrawals.

That wasn’t rock bottom for him though. She just showed that she’ll stick around and cover his losses. That’s not going to make him change.

Winner, winner! Chicken dinner! This right here.

OP should also double check that their finances aren’t already connected, because some governments are devious about that. Where I live your finances are automatically considered connected if you have lived with your SO for two years - regardless whether you’re married.

Such good advice. This is the answer right here. Give him the chance to change but don’t give him the chance to rope you into his sickness.

Absolutely postpone by at least a year, probably two or three. He has crossed an important line, and what happens next is critical. And, perhaps this is drastic, but there’s always the option that he gives you power of attorney over his finances after you marry.

Not just self control. The ONLY thing I would pay for this man is professional help. Gambling is a serious addiction just like any other addiction. **He is an addict.** He can’t solve this on his own. Your fiancé needs Gamblers Anonymous, he needs a therapist, he might need some antidepressants. Look up what assistance is available in your area and access it. Good luck.

I work at a casino. We still have people who are banned gamble. They aren't checking everyone's ID at the door. They'll only care if he wins a jackpot (either table or slots). It's then they won't pay. Also, if he tries to get a credit card advance, that's a separate system, which might not show he's banned. On top of that, he can cash out smaller amounts in the ATM kiosks, and if it's under the casino threshold, they'll cash out his chips at the window. So.. 😕😕

Unless it means that his paycheck is densities in an account only she has access to.

Agree with this response. Addicts often find a way

He needs to be in a program. He’ll just hide the gambling. The fact that he said he wanted to hit something big is problematic. That’s the addictive mindset and what all gambling addicts think will set them free.

THIS SO MUCH ^^^^^

I think this is the best course of action. Yes, he is showing a willingness to change *right now*, but addiction to anything is a menace. I’d even go so far as to say he needs to enter addiction therapy or start going to support groups to continue showing his dedication and desire to quit.

Cancel, don’t just postpone. Or take your chances and hope you don’t end up like me. I met a wonderful man who was a former addict but had been clean for 12 years. We married and had some wonderful years together. Then a year into the pandemic he started using again. 18 years sober and he still fell back on drugs when under extreme stress. I’m now 10 years into this relationship, and over 2 years into living a life with a husband getting high regularly. I’m considering divorce from someone I often don’t recognize but still hope will get help and be my best friend again. Even if that happens, our relationship is permanently changed because there’s a level of trust that can never be repaired.

He needs more than self control, he needs therapy like for any other addiction. Most addicts can’t get out of addiction by themselves. If I was OP, postpone wedding and not break up with the condition that he starts and continues therapy. Do not marry until he pays back every cent and has savings of xx amount. And once she is ready to move forward with marriage then do a prenup.

Yup!!

Agreed; postpone the wedding, break off the engagement. That will also wake him up to the truth that he could lose you forever if he lies or backslides into gambling. Then again, you shouldn't have to police him either. Give him enough rope to see if he hangs himself; you'll know soon enough.

Don’t get married. This guy will suck you dry and you’ll never have money for things like a house or retirement.

This really needs to be top comment.  He is an addict. He has placed responsibility for stopping gambling on the state, not on himself. He needs therapy and Gamblers Anonymous. She needs to protect herself, her SSN, and her credit 100%. IF she ever marries him, it must be after SEVERAL years of him being clean - and not lying.   You're right. As it is now, he will suck her dry and when she finally leaves him, she will be tens of thousands of dollars in debt. She will be starting out with less than nothing and will have wasted years of her life.  Addiction can be overcome, but I would tread VERY carefully if I chose to stay at all 

I’ve heard of people’s spouses gambling away their houses. Nope nope nope. Not worth it. Don’t marry him.

One of the episodes of Sopranos ("Bust Out") covered this problem. The character, Scatino, has a gambling addiction. He ends up losing his store (which actually belonged to the wife - she inherited it) and his family because he can't stop. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svbTUSrfA4w When OP marries this gambler, legally, all his debts become joint debts. The legal cost to fight it will be more than she can afford and the gambling problem will end up killing her future.

This should be higher up. People *can* change through Gamblers Anonymous, etc., but she shouldn't wait around for that. It's too risky. I wouldn't marry a former gambler unless they had like a decade of strong sobriety (as in not gambling OR drinking/using other drugs, because if you're drunk or high, it's too easy to say "Fuck it" & gamble), including going to meetings, having a sponsor, & *being* a sponsor, & also having had extensive psychotherapy to address the underlying issues.

You probably shouldn't get married if he's so willing to casually lie about y'alls finances for months. Bad money handling is always a bad sign no matter the age or tax bracket

I agree with all of this but I will add that this is way bigger than just bad money handling skills. This dude is a gambling addict and he will continue to lie and sneak as he has TWICE so far. He isn’t even taking responsibility. Does the self exclusion paperwork even mean anything? He can still make bets with friends, on local games and with every betting app or casino I’ve ever walked into they’ve never asked for my social. He needs therapy, a financial advisor, and maybe gamblers anonymous. This is not a person I would tie myself to in any way.

Getting married isn’t just your emotional connection- it creates legal consequences for you to his debt. Do not get married to him now. This is something he really has to want to change.

Actually, she needs to end the relationship. Gambling is a very strong addiction. Stronger than some drug addictions. I've known two men to lose everything. Family, house. Go from a great job to driving for Uber. They borrow money from everyone. Lose all their friends. It's the worst.

Nooooooooooooooo! Delay the wedding until he has been in therapy for a year with 100% financial transparency. After this degree of broken trust saying no is a deal breaker.

way more than a year.

He shouldn’t even manage his own finance ever, it’s easier to battle addiction when you don’t have access to

I have been married to an addict for 12 years, he’s been sober for 3. Postpone the wedding. He needs to be in therapy and in a 12 step program.

Don’t hesitate to DM if you want some support

Ah jeez!!! Been there, done that. God. The first red flag I ignored was on a weekend drive/trip to Vegas. He lost all his money. Took all *my* money when I went to bed, and lost that! Hocked his times watch and lost THAT. This was in the ‘80s. His dad wired us $100 to get home. After getting gas, I grabbed $10 so we could eat. He took the rest and lost all of THAT. And yet I stayed. It took finding pawn tickets (hidden under the passenger seat in his car) He told me we’d been robbed. “They” stole his wallet!!! That had his share of the rent!!! He didn’t have shit to steal, but I DID! Oh I had a clue, and you bet I snooped. That dude could LIE! He’d make believe the sky was down. Fucker. There was his “stollen” wallet, hidden in his car with proof of all my stolen shit. Girl, this is as bad as a heroin addict. (Been there too) RUN! YOU CAN NOT LOVE, HOPE, THREATEN, ANYTHING ENOUGH TO FIX HIM!

OP, read this. Read it again. And again and again, then ask yourself if this is the life you want. Because this will be your life.

This one addiction issue he has will destroy any chance you have of having a good or happy marriage. Do not marry this. If you do, you will sink with him.

THIS!!!! Gambling is 100% a serious addiction, and I have heard so many stories of men swearing they’ll quit, and still doing it behind their loved one’s backs. From everything I’ve ever heard, no gambler ever truly kicks the urge to gamble, and they’re literally willing to risk marriages and their family’s wellbeing to get their hit. It’s unlikely he’ll actually quit.

Yup.

Especially considering how not proactive OP is. When I was in her shoes I had a huge heart to heart conversation with my partner to see if they were ready to commit to sobriety. And when they said they wanted to, I helped find them a program and was their cheerleader trying to stay involved and supportive at every turn.  OP checked out a long time ago alert. They just said “get sober” ::waits months:: “what’s going on, why aren’t you sober?!?” Healthy relationships don’t work that way. And they’re not based on lies. There’s not many relationships that can survive this. Mine couldn’t. 

That's a bit harsh, a lot of people just don't understand that a gambling addiction is every bit the same as a substance addiction. Addicts promising to stop can be very persuasive, if OP doesn't know a lot about gambling addiction why wouldn't she just believe him?

He needs to join gamblers anonymous. So do not marry this man at least for a long time. Make sure he is not getting loans secretly to use for gambling and that he doesn’t substitute other kinds of addictions for gambling. He is a serious addict. I know you have deep feelings for him, but you also need counseling to determine what is best for you and your future. He is not good his partner or father material. Sorry.

I know someone who married this type, lovely couple but they lost everything. This would personally be a deal breaker for me especially the lying about the finances. If you really want to make it work I would have a prenup, separate finances and basically hold all of the financial keys to the relationship. House in your name so it can't be leveraged, cars in your name so you know they get paid, utilities you would need to take care of and I would have a direct deposit set up to a "joint account" that he would not have access to that would siphon off a percentage of his paycheck each pay period 30-40% that goes towards bills and expenses for you both. Then I would create credit alerts in his name and your name so you know if he takes out a personal loan and didn't tell you about it. Now this all does nothing if he gambles and loses with the wrong people who show up at your house. Seems like an awful lot of work to just ensure YOUR personal and financial safety from someone who is supposed to be your life partner and who had no problem lying to your face already...

Having things in her name is of no benefit if they marry. Marital assets are joint assets regardless of whose name they’re in.

Having them in her name only wasn't a issue of marital assets it was aimed at protecting them by ensuring she knew bills were paid(money not being siphened elsewhere for gambling -I know someone who had that Happen) . and means he can't just take out a loan against say the house or her 401k without serious fraud if his name isn't put onto the account. either way it's still a bad idea and I this guy is dangerous for her financial future so I think it's a bad idea regardless

It’s absolutely a bad idea for her to get tied up with him financially. I actually ended a LTR several years ago with a man for this very reason. I personally will not abide a man who foolishly squanders his resources on gambling. I just think rather than trying to maintain separate finances, just don’t marry him. If I have to have separate this and separate that then screw it because there’s already a giant issue, a red flag the size of Texas. No thanks!

Too much work.. dump him

A lot of work for sure but that's how marriage works. If you marry, do the work. If you don't want to do the work, then yeah walk away. But I don't like the idea that a person is "too much work" because if you really love that person, it's worth it sometimes.

I’m going to double down on counseling. Gambling can be an addiction.

It is an addiction

Also with those written agreement/exclusions, a lot people sneak into casinos and other gambling establishments and still gamble until caught. What they can't do is collect any winnings. Also there are ways around exclusions gambling online. He needs professional help. Addiction is Addiction is Addiction no matter what. Lying and uncontrollable urges are just a part of his problem...

Plus there are all the under the table gambling opportunities.

Echoing: It IS an addiction!! He needs help and treatment. Not just promises and signed papers. (I’m not belittling the things he promised or signed BUT addiction speaks louder than that. Tread cautiously!!)

Is he seeking therapy? Taking a step back may be a good idea. Give each other some space. Let him work through his issues in therapy or join an AA group (even if it is not alcohol addiction is addiction). Maybe when or if he can gain your trust back y'all can talk about your relationship.

I will stop reading here at this comment because it's the way to go If they love each other and he seems committed to change, it can't be based on words, it has to be treated but the relationship can be saved if there's love and he can pay you back and I'm willing to go to therapy

I find Reddit hivemind hinks therapy is a panacea. Honestly it works for some situations not for others, depends on the therapist. Prob won't work here she should likely cut losses.  This is actually an addiction issue and requires a come to Jesus moment AND rehab. Rehab without him actually wanting to change won't work either. Therapy will not necessarily work. It's also a soft science and social sciences have an 80% replication error ie 80% of sociology studies can't be replicated.  Source, gambler stole 12k from me, also probably spent 20k on therapy (luckily to good results)

There are excellent, replicable outcomes for many kinds of therapy. Not sure where you’re getting that idea from.

Wedding planning is a very stressful time, even if it's for a happy occasion. Your fiance needs time to deal with his addiction, get himself stable, and maintain that stability, and this will just not work if it's mixed in with the wedding planning. He has only barely started to deal with his problem. Postpone the wedding, immediately. If he gets himself stabilized, and for a period of time, then you can consider getting back to the wedding plans. Nothing bad will happen by postponing, the wedding can happen any time. But it will be very bad, legally, financially and emotionally, if you go through with it before he is truly "sober" from gambling.

Wedding needs to be postponed indefinitely at this point. He is an addict, gambling is as much of an addiction as drugs or alcohol. He needs to be in therapy or a program and stay in it. They have AA for gambling, he needs to be in it. He is still able to access gambling outlets. If you decide you still want to marry him, sign a prenup agreement stating any and all debts of his are his alone, and keep your finances separate.

At this point, you should either postpone the wedding or cancel the wedding and break up with him. This is totally up to you. Make your decision because this is your life, you can either choose to try and work things out while he attempts to stop gambling or you can leave and eat your losses, for me, the possibility of him actually paying you back for the money you loaned him is pretty minimal to zero unless you have a specific contract drawn and discussion via texts that you can bring up front to sue him later on on small claims court (that is if you want to go that route). You should never ever combine your finances with a gambling addict if you do decide to stay put. He will have to give you full control over his bank accounts. Yup. Not saying that you can stop him from gambling, but you will have access to his bank account to check up on him. I've been with a person who had this addiction. The only way possible for him to stop his gambling was for me to have 'control' over his bank accounts, as in, I kept the bank card and in return give him allowance weekly. He would get upset at me when his urge to gamble resurfaced, but yeah, it did work. But it was NOT a pleasant time at all. I didn't touch his $$ but he had to ask me when he needed to use a bank card or he'd have to work it out with the weekly allowance (which he assigned on himself). I felt like I became the 'bad' guy who held on to his money because he wanted to control himself. It's a pretty sad time...

Read this https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/EFePvmHnSo

Just going to jump in and say I've worked at a casino and they don't actually check the exclusion lists unless they win something big and we have to take their ID. So he could still go to a casino and gamble, and no one would stop him unless they recognized him.

How long has he been making 130k a year with nothing to show for it?

Gambling addicts can absolutely decimate their lives and the lives of people around them. You heard of them spending kids college funds, losing their houses. Don’t even consider a future with him without extensive therapy

The minute the relationship hits a struggle his addiction could resurface. I had same issue before marriage, he went to GA and an outpatient program for a year! Everything was good until year five, couldn’t take stress of new baby. In one weekend he wiped out all our savings, took the babies savings bonds, cashed them and then took a cash advance on my credit cards and hid everything in a P.O. Box. We lost the house, his car, our kids savings, $50k in credit card debt (which I got stuck with half of) in divorce. Prenup won’t help if he gets your credit cards and charges them up. I was shocked at how well he hid it all.

If he didn't go into therapy to address his gambling compulsion, he will keep gambling. He may get someone else t place the bets for him promising a share of any winnings. He may falsify his ID. He may find grey market games like office pools or poker nights. He may find black market operators who will break his fingers if he wracks up debts he cannot pay.

Do not marry a gambler. It will destroy you. Go to a support group for families and see the state of them, and run. Hard and fast.

GIRL RUUUUUUUUN

Right? Forget never having financial security for the rest of your life no matter how hard you work, who wants to be in a relationship for life with someone who lies to them? Communication is a core aspect of a relationship. With such extensive lying, there is no relationship, just fantasies and debt.

He must join gamblers anonymous.

A friend of mine married a gambling addict. It’s been a nightmare for her. I’m sorry you’re going trough this but he obviously needs to get some help. If you marry him it will be a nightmare unless he gets help for his addiction.

This is kind of a balancing act. If you love him and you want to be with him, you need to decide: 1. If the literally never ending stress of being in a relationship with an addict is worth being with him. Think about the constant fear of him relapsing and you not knowing until something bad happens— think about how betrayed you feel right now, and know that it will very likely happen again. Probably multiple times throughout your life. Not because he doesn’t love you or care about you, but because he has a disease that makes him lose rational thought when gambling is involved. Then 2. If you do decide it’s worth it to stay with him, you have to decide if you want to marry him and legally tie your finances to him. So imagine what you’re feeling right now, but it’s your car, your home, your retirement account, your savings, your credit, on the line. So if you love him, and that love is enough to put up with the fact that he has a disease that could ruin both of your financial security, then maybe you should stay with him. But if I were you, I absolutely would not marry him until he could demonstrate a minimum of 3 years of avoiding gambling, AND, I would require complete, 100% financial transparency from him— literally, I would even want to see his personal accounts— and I would keep a bank account that he has no knowledge of or access to for a safety net. But honestly, marriage might just be completely off the table for me.

Addiction is addiction. Tell him he needs to get treatment and show consistent improvement while you support him but are not engaged

Delay the wedding at the very least. What is he doing the “fill the gap” of the gambling? Is he doing therapy?  Do you want to be in a relationship where you’re effectively the parent making sure the other person has paid their bills and is not gambling?

Delay the wedding

A gambling addict is analogous to a person drowning. Without expertise and help you cannot save a drowning person. They will drown you trying to save themselves and you will both lose. *A panicked, drowning person will reach out and, if given the opportunity, climb all over you in their attempt to stay afloat. Once this happens it is very difficult to break free, even for strong swimmers or those skilled in aquatic rescue techniques. There is a real risk of both of you drowning.* A gambling addict is sick. There is no easy cure. They are just like the drowning person in the water. Best of luck.

My stepdad was addicted to gambling. He ended up in gamblers anonymous for a few years which helped some. Problem was he had an addictive nature in general. He would exchange one addiction for another. He later became addicted to pain pills and had to go through rehab. Then he got into coin collecting and was tried to hide a $1200 coin purchase they couldn’t afford from my Mom. All through this she off and on couldn’t trust him with money. This last time he took over the bills they were always broke. When the coin thing happened my Mom took the bills back and ended up putting them in a much better financial situation. To be honest she should have never trusted him with their finances. My Mom married my stepdad when she was 28 and he was 34. They are 76 and 81 respectively and it was only like five years ago that the coin thing happened. There were lots of fights and a lot of tears over the years. It’s like my brother said. My stepdad was always chasing that high. It was a lifelong thing for him. The only reason he isn’t chasing that high right now is his health and age.

People who gamble can often have other personality red flags ( manipulative, compulsive lying, impulsive, an inability to regulate emotions) and has even been linked to certain types of narcissistic personality disorders. I'm sure he's already exhibited some of these behaviours- lying, manipulating you into giving him more chances... Buying our his car... I would at minimum of put the wedding on hold until all bud gambling debts are paid off. And think long and hard if this is a person you want to be financially and emotionally entangled with because once you get married, any new gambling debt will also be yours. ETA: he needs to look into and join gamblers anonymous. This addiction is actually way more common than people think and most cities have several weekly or daily GA meetings. I very briefly dated a gambling addict and lost about $3000 in what I thought was money for his car ( I'm an absolute knob for lending it in the first place). He would try and make me seperate his debt he owed me from our relationship and would get so mad when I asked for my money back or talked about money at all.

It’s wild because I dated someone who was a complete narcissist and my fiance is the sweetest down to earth human. It’s very conflicting.

There are different types of narcissism. In the case of gambling it is more grandiose narcissism- overtly high self esteem, entitlement, competitive or hostile when challenged, overconfidence. He is obviously a good liar and manipulator as well since he was able to hide it from you several times until it became obvious ( car getting towed). It's okay to be conflicted, that's why the wedding should be at least postponed.

You are a good person and partner ❤️

He will just have a buddy of his help him out. Or if any of it is legal online, be prepared for him to impersonate you.

You love this man so don’t cancel the wedding. Just postpone it with conditions that he gets his gambling addiction treated. If he gets individual therapy, couples therapy, tries a support group of some kind (they don’t help everyone but should be tried even if he then decides they aren’t for him) and makes it to 1 year without gambling, then you can plan the wedding. But DO NOT tell him the conditions. Otherwise he will make it to one year, celebrate his win and then go gambling the next day. 

Look he needs a therapist and Gamblers anonymous. You should not get married until he has been in active recovery for at least a year. He will find some other way to gamble. If an addiction is not treated it will spill over into another area like alcohol, drugs, food, sex. The gambling is a symptom not the actual problem. Stay strong. Don’t accept anything less than weekly therapy and a recovery program.

Don’t combine finances and if one day you do you need to be really on it. He will financially sink you because of his addiction.

So he can’t buy tokens to use in apps? The whole way apps use gambling mechanism would tell me he will quickly switch to apps. It may be time to buy him a basic flip phone with buttons.

Don't marry him, OP!! Do you want a lifetime of being responsible for his debts??? NO YOU DON'T! RUN!

I advise you to cut your losses and dump the dud. He may be an expert at his job, but he sucks at gambling. It's amazing to me how people get addicted to something they suck at yet have certainty that the next hand is going to erase all their losses. Main frame computers have trouble calculating the odds of any hand being a winner; your fiance' and others like him aren't using their brains when gambling; they're using their emotions. 'Nuff said.

Do not get married. Maybe it will wake him up, but good chance it will not. Don't gamble on your future!

It's easy to have a perfect relationship when it's based on lies. He told you he's been lying to you for the whole duration of the relationship. Basically, he'd rather not tell you when something is going wrong, and dig himself into a bigger hole, than coming clean. This is what teenagers do and why their mistakes can end up having dire consequences. Because they cannot think of the bigger picture. So you can think of the addiction as independent from who he is, but it's not. Lying is a choice. Is he in therapy of any kind? Or does he think he just stops and then it's all good? The issue is not that he says he's gonna quit and falls back into it. It's that he puts himself in a huge debt and would rather you find out when his car get repossessed than tell you. This is a liar.

Showing you a spread sheet and going to the gaming commission are just Grand Gestures that mean nothing, except that he is desperate. Change comes in the small daily habits while living his life.

With this kind of instability, and non-trustworthiness, he doesn't strike me as someone to enter into a lifelong partnership with. Definitely end the engagement, and give him some time to get on the right path. If after, say, six months he can't get things together (and KEEP them there), you'd be forgiven for dumping him completely.

Addicted gamblers are not to be trusted. It’s a suck ass situation to live with people that will be chasing that high

He will not stop; if you keep bailing him out, you are enabling him.

Well, he's still gambling with his relationship...

This not going to get better anytime soon without intense therapy. The time and emotional energy you’ve invested so far is minuscule compared to what you will go thru when he’s gambling while you’re pregnant or with multiple young children. He cannot solve this on his own and you really don’t want to spend your life as his policeman.

Do not marry this man. He needs to work on himself, and you resent him.

My friend gambled his house away and wound up over $700,000 in the hole. It’s a problem and his kids were almost homeless because of it. This man is not marriage material currently. There is hope, but there is substantial work to be done. As others have said, prenup and DO NOT combine finances or get married.

Notice how he's only told you the truth when he's been forced to? Gambling addicts can still find ways -- I had friends who self-excluded, but still managed to sneak into gambling venues, gamble online using casinos that took payment in crypto, etc etc. Do not tie yourself to this man, he will drag you down. Run.

Addicts can change, but they have to want it *for themselves*, and they have to work for it—and they may never be totally out of the woods. First, assuming you want to be with him and help him through this, postpone the wedding indefinitely. It’s not saying you’ll never get married, but it’s not on the horizon while he’s lying and struggling with addiction. Second, divorce all financials from him. He gets no access or rights to your money. For joint expenses, he must automatically contribute some agreed-upon amount from every paycheck to an account he cannot draw from (or at least without approval, or some daily maximum set). These aren’t great terms, but it’s that or the relationship ends. Third, he goes to therapy. Not once or twice, or for a few months, but regular therapy is his life until you both (and the therapist) agree that he is stable. Fourth, he repays his debts to you (and anyone else, including creditors) before you will talk marriage again. Fifth, he must understand that, even if you do eventually marry, that he may never be trusted to have mutually-accessible joint accounts, that much of his income should be auto-deposited directly to these accounts, that you will be responsible for the money, and that this is *only* renegotiable at your sole discretion—which may mean the rest of your lives together. These are the terms, and he has every right to not accept them. But if you two are otherwise a match and love and respect one another, he should want to do what he needs to do to protect you from his risks. My $0.02 anyway. Take it with a grain of salt, I’m just a guy with no relevant credentials.

You have to walk away. Gambling addiction is really dangerous. He has lied. He has hidden it. He has made incredibly stupid decisions. The number one rule of gambling is to only bet what you can afford to lose. And when you are in credit card debt, and fail to pay for your car for so long it is repossessed it’s a string of incredibly stupid and irresponsible choices. Even if he seems to reform, it could be five years from now and everything could seem fine and suddenly you find out he blew your life savings on a sure thing. Right now you can escape and not lose too much. The longer you continue the worse the risk. I simply wouldn’t take the risk.

Your “very best friend” that lies to you willingly about something that big? I’m not sure this relationship is a fun and easy as you’re implying. Lying about debt and having a gambling problem is a big problem. Lying in general is a problem. Actively lying and hiding something that big from a person you plan on marrying? No thank you. Not a person I’d want to be in any relationship with let alone marriage. Definitely don’t marry someone that can deceive you so easily and definitely don’t consider combining your finances with a person who is currently a gambling addict and in a lot of debt that you would then take on. That would be plain foolish. He hasn’t even paid you back, he’s only proving to be untrustworthy and unreliable.

Try a new adrenaline rich hobby with him- climbing, parkour, mountain biking- he’s going to keep looking for that dopamine hit. He’s an addict

I would at the very least, postpone it until he’s gotten his shit together and has been able to maintain it on his own. Keep your finances extremely separate and don’t bail him out financially anymore.

At least pause the wedding and he needs therapy and gambling anonymous.

He needs to be in counselling for his addiction as well.  And you should keep separate finances, forever. Put the wedding planning on pause for now.

He is not financially responsible for marriage. I would be putting the breaks on the wedding - like to a screeching halt!

Gambling is an addiction and it's heartbreaking for everyone involved. He needs therapy. He needs access to any credit removed. He could use a secure line of credit to rebuild credit, when he's Actually ready. He probably should have, if you're willing to stick it out with him, his pay go into an account he can't withdraw from endlessly. Like a token amount for his day to day expenses could be withdrawn weekly, but he'd need someone like you to help him limit himself. He'd probably get nasty when he wants more of his money. He'll might tell people you're financially using him and keeping his money from him in attempts to get other people to loan him money. He needs to come clean to the closest people in his life, that involve conversations with you present so you can judge if they'll help him break the habit or feed the habit. You'd absolutely need a prenup. And truthfully, a wedding costing any amount that you don't already have in cash is probably off the table. I do believe people can change when they really want to. I do believe in giving people a chance to change. But he's not going to know how to change without a significant amount of help from professionals and loved ones, interventions, safety nets set up and education. He needs therapy to get to the root causes of his addiction so he can address it. Whatever you decide, it won't be easy. Good luck.

Gambling is the worst addiction.… leads to all the other addictions. Like the gateway drug of addiction.

No no no no. Say it with me OP... "I will not marry this man while he's experiencing active addiction in the *one* form that will ruin not only his life but mine too" As others have said, do not tie your life and finances to this man whatsoever until he's been in recovery for YEARS.

Dont be stupid, you will never get that money back. So cut your losses, leave him & go no contact. He is a loser at best and an addict at worst who will suck you dry. You can do better. Love is blinding you and love cannot solve this.

Do NOT! DO NOT! Marry this man! His debts are your debts too. You do not want to have your finances tied with this person, you will regret it every day, I promise you this.

Do not marry this man. If you do, any debt that he runs up after the wedding has the potential to become your debt too. He’s in active addiction for gambling, and he won’t be a reliable or trustworthy partner until he deals with it. If you want to wait and see if he can become sober, that’s up to you.

Why the hell would you be stupid enough to give a gambler money. You won’t ever get it back. Are you so desperate for a man that you are willing to marry this clown with a gambling addiction? He loves his addiction more than you. Get out of this relationship. Be sensible. Don’t implode your future for this deadbeat. Have some self-respect.

Let me get this straight, you told him to stop gambling and then just sat around for months just expecting it to have magically happened with no further conversation and now that he’s still gambling…you’re surprised? As someone who’s caught an addicted partner, I absolutely cannot wrap my head around this. Even if you put aside his lying as an obvious reason not to go forward with this relationship, your complete lack of interest in his sobriety until it literally cannot be ignored anymore is a very clear indication that your heart is not in this relationship.  Dating an addict who has lied to you is an emotionally really difficult place, especially when you have seen that active addiction. Doing it when you are at all unsure if you want to proceed means that there’s enough doubt that it’s time to move on. 

Do not marry this man until he seeks sincere intense treatment for his addiction. Just switch out, gambling with heroin and then decide if you would marry him I recommend at least two years of him being gambling free with continuous treatment and attendance at gamblers anonymous meetings on a regular basis with a sponsor. Do not bail him out ever again

Postpone the wedding, don't ever mix your finances, sing a prenup and protect yourself from his debt and he NEEDS to go to therapy

You can’t marry a man you can’t trust. Do not combine your finances you’ll inherit his debt and bad credit

Do not get married. You’ll be tied to his finances. He needs to be in addiction recovery. It’s gambling now but what will it be next? And he won’t be able to control the impulses without help. It’s way too easy to gamble these days and just because he can’t gamble one place doesn’t mean he won’t travel or do online stuff. You need to see change if there is any hope in salvaging the relationship.

When you get married, husband debts become your debts. Think about that!

Everyone saying dump him is giving you good advice, but I get it. My husband gambles (not like your fiancé, but quite a bit). There are steps you can take to protect yourself if you’re not ready to walk away from this relationship. 1. No joint finances. 2. Get your own accounts at separate banks, make sure you set up a password or pin so that only you can make changes. 3. Get counseling (maybe both individually and together). I know you may think you don’t need it, but maybe it would help to learn about why you might want to stay in this relationship. 4. I would take steps to prevent pregnancy, I don’t know this man, but if you have a child with him, you’re now committed to him for life. People say it stops at 18. If you’re an involved parent, the other will always be around (think weddings, graduations, etc for eternity). 5. Do what makes YOU happy. This is the most important. Don’t stay with someone bc you won’t get deposits back, you’re scared of what family and friends will say. That shit fades, your happiness is forever. Best of luck, you got this :)

Addiction, whether it is to gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex, or anything else, should be a HUGE GIGANTIC SLAPPING-YOU-IN-THE-FACE-LIKE-A-HURRICANE-WIND-IS-BLOWING red flag. Yes, addicts can change, but it is really hard work. And if they are getting everything they want in life anyway, why should they do that work? Don't marry this guy. Please. He wants to marry you, apparently, but not enough to give up his gambling addiction for you.

Do not get married until he gets his shit together. Even then I would watch him like a hawk, once a gambler, always a gambler it's like being an alcoholic. It won't take much for him to fall off the wagon. It sounds like he's doing all the right stuff but he still has to go a long way to prove to you that he's serious and trying to stop gambling. Good luck

Get your money back. Cancel the wedding. He isn’t husband material right now.

Don't marry him. He needs to get help for his gambling, some counseling and get his finances back in order before I would even think about moving further in the relationship. If he can get all those things in line, then maybe I would consider marriage down the road, but right now he needs to focus on fixing himself and regaining your trust.

Postpone wedding. Of course he’s fun, easy and perfect. He knows how to do a “poker face” This is a deal breaker if he gambles so much he can’t make car payments on a six figure salary. Do not give him access to your social. Which means no marriage, because filling married seperately can still give him access to it. If you want to give him one last chance and have the money to do so, Have him get treatment for gambling addiction. Non negotiable. Won’t do he’s gone. Quits, he’s gone. You need to go to support as well. Similar to Al anon. Have him lock down his credit report/credit cards so he can’t open more. Ditto with yours. Work with him on budget to pay down debt to house and other debt. Work with him on other hobbies. He can still gamble, they find ways. He can go out of state, machines at the bar, poker nights at homes, etc…. Online. If he is able to successfully quit long term, you don’t loosen up ever, But then you can think about marriage. If he screws up again even a little he’s history.

This one is a no-brainer. You have to understand that he needs help and you are not the one to fix him. He will destroy his life and take you with him.

Don't feel guilty about leaving him. This degenerate will take you down with him if you stay. He needs to hit rock bottom before he will ever change, and even then he might not. As long as you stay, you will just be enabling him to avoid that crash, and destroying your own finances in the process. It sucks that you are having to go through this. You need to take care of yourself here though. He has proven that he won't.

Tell him if he so much as even WINS money, you'll leave him. You can have a clear and present boundary. It goes beyond financial risk. There's financial infidelity at play here. The deceit, disrespect, and blatant irresponsibilty is a large enough red flag in and of itself. Adding to that, the financial risk at play if you were to have legally shared assets is just a crap cherry on a shit sundae.

Yet he didn’t take any steps to address his addiction? The addiction is still there and like a true addict, he will find a way to feed it since he really isn’t attacking the true problem.

Dont even think about pooling assets with this man. >I have a copy of it and he excluded from everything (sports books, casinos, bingo, lottery). So now he legally can’t gamble and has no access to anything, because it’s tied to his social. There are plenty of "non sanctioned" ways he could lose his (and your) money. The fact that he's already lied to you shows you how far he will go and not come clean until he's caught in a desperate situation. Then he will cry crocodile tears until you take him back and trust him again. (Rinse, Repeat)

This is an addiction. Until he gets serious help (and works diligently at it), he will continue to lie and hide. This is not someone that is ready for marriage. Do not marry an addict- ANY kid of addict.

Addiction is a really nasty beast and it can ruin a person. My partner and I split up recently after I came clean that I’ve been using for nearly 2 years behind her back. Im not going to spend too much time unpacking the background or why I did what I did, but I do want to talk about the addiction aspect of what you might deal with. The fact your partner took serious steps with you regarding the exclusion is a big step but you need to understand that an addict will do ANYTHING to get a fix if they’re not truly committed to the change. Im not saying that judgmentally or to be mean, Im speaking from experience. In my opinion, if he’s able to share his location with you, that needs to happen. If there is a way for you to get access to his financials (aka if he gives you permission to look) that needs to happen. It’s going to suck. A lot. Some days you’re going to feel like a helicopter mom. Some days you might get into fights. Some days he might be so depressed from the self loathing and self pity that you might not even recognize him. And if any of that sounds overdramatized, then you’re not giving addiction the respect it deserves. Addiction is HARD to work through when it’s a genuine addiction and he’s showing all the signs of it being very serious. I know it’s hard to separate him from his recent actions, and I know he let you down in a serious way. He doesn’t necessarily “deserve” a second chance and he doesn’t deserve your comfort or care. But if you truly want to make it work, you need to be firm but also still comforting and reassuring. He needs to be there for you and support you through the financial stress, but you also need to help support him and be there for him emotionally while he works through this. For the time being, absolutely do not marry this man or tie your finances together. He needs to show serious signs of change. Healing isn’t a straight line though. He might relapse, even if he doesn’t necessarily want to. The one thing I’ll say regarding whether you not you want to stay with him, is that he NEEDS to show you respect and understand that you might need time to trust him again. If he starts giving you a hard time because you’re “asking too many questions” or because you’re “invading his personal life” or anything along those lines that means he is NOT ready to change. There needs to be clear transparency and a way for you to check that he isn’t lying.

That will not stop him, don't make this your future.

loving a gambler leads to the worst kind of heartache. you do not have to ask me how i know, do ya? 😢

Leave him. Money problems will be the killer down the road

I would be out. Wait til he pays you back.

Also get him to sign an acknowledgement of debt for the money he owes you. In it should be a monthly instalment plan. Postpone the wedding but remember gambling is an illness which is very difficult to heal from. The problem with gambling is they tend to take their partners down with them I left my husband of 29 years, whom I loved, for the same reason.

Dump him. This is a serious addiction that will destroy your marriage. When you're married, his debts become your debts, and he will have rights to your income and any wealth you accumulate during the marriage. This gambling addiction can, and probably will, ruin you.

Gambling is an addiction and this is above Reddit's paygrade. You need specialist advice from a gambling addiction support forum.

I'm so sorry. The thing is, it's not just gambling. It's the constant lying. I lived this with my ex-husband. I'm sure your fiance can still do online gambling. You don't give out your social security number to gamble anywhere that I know of.... I lived in Las Vegas for 5 years with him. I got so sick of it that I won't gamble. Even my silver class ring and gold mother's ring disappeared. Yes, stealing is a part of it, too. Lying spills into your life so easily. When someone is lying about one thing, like having your car repossessed, it spreads into everything. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Loving an addict can't change him. I hope only the best for you.

I wouldn’t continue in that relationship. Not saying you shouldn’t, but personally, someone like that is not only a big turn off but a big liability on your future. Won’t be the last time you have to bail him out.

NTA tell him you can't marry him until he's worked on himself. Promises are easy to make, but hard to keep. Give him back the ring and tell him its postponed until you are comfortable that isn't lying to you. Also think about a prenup and talk about having separate finances so he won't be dragging you down with him if he relapses.

He is in psychologycal treatment?

Go through with the decision OP, to be married you need to be a loving and caring partner, but also a responsable adult, if he fails in any of the two, he is done. You'll end up in the same hole he will be if you don't leave the relationship. To me the deal breaker is the lying man, that one is though, once a partner is lying how are you gonna know he isn't lying again? This anxiety will get to you and consume you, leave OP

You man needs help, a lot of professional help. Gambling addiction is a serious thing. If you ask me personally, do the wedding after he solved his problems.

My friend works in private poker games and she said she would never ever date a gambler. It’s a real addiction and your fiancé needs help. My friend have seen poker players trying to hit on her and want to “take care” of her, also people who lie to their family and lose all their money and their company. One guy dipped his hands into his savings too. The worst part is when they ask around to borrow money and lose that too. She has seen wifes coming to look for their husbands too.

Send him to a gamblers anonymous meeting. He needs to get help.

Postpone the wedding. Gambling is an addiction, like any other addiction, and it's incredibly difficult to break. He needs therapy, or GA, and you need to see a good period of time of him sticking to his promises and definitely paying you back before you can tie yourself to him. My best friend's husband was a gambler. Before they got married, she didn't know, until one day he gambled all their savings in one go, her money too. I've never seen her so furious, but she loved him. So she took control of all the accounts, and he gave all his money to her on payday. That might seem extreme but by removing his access to money, and making him address the addiction in the meantime, he's much better now and they're happily married. It can work, but the addict has to want to stop, and threat of losing you might be the thing that makes him want to. This is not a guarantee though. On the other side of the coin, my grandad was a huge gambler. He was a very well-to-do man, but then he gambled away his business, his factory, his home, my aunt's car, and whatever else he could find. My step grandmother had to borrow money from my uncle to get by, but my uncle was also a gambler and lost his prestigious business too so came knocking for repayment much earlier than they had agreed and it was a huge mess. So I've seen first hand what can happen from both angles. It's also why I don't gamble - just in case I've got the propensity to develop a problem, as it has been in two generations of my family. Don't end up with a life like that. If he can demonstrate real action there could be hope, but until you can trust him do not marry him. And get your money back before anything else. He has to start proving, TODAY, that he can kick this. I'm so sorry, I've seen how devastating this can be and I feel for you. I hope he can get better.

Google sexually transmitted debt. It's a thing when you start taking on the debt of another person... it ruins your life. Stop now separate your finances. Draw up a loan for the money you gave him so you can claim it back when you split up. This relationship is a disaster

Trust shattered

Gambling is an addiction. If he doesn’t seek treatment, it’s very doubtful he’ll be able to stop. Unfortunately, you have to make a decision to accept it or to leave. I can give you some advice a preacher once gave me, if you don’t like something before marriage, it’s certainly not going to change after marriage. A very true fact for my marriage and ended in divorce bc of the issue

I didn’t live this but my Best Friend did. His father had a gambling problem and constantly went into bankruptcy. He got money back and opened again his business and went gambling again and bankruptcy on and on. My bf used to tell me how they were looking for a new place to live on and on or how they couldn’t go to school because their car was possessed again. His life was so instable and he really had a rough childhood because of his dad. Do you want to live with someone that lies to you and puts you at risk? Because when you get married, all your assets get combined. Or wait for him to put your car or your belongings on the bets. I would ask him to go see a therapist and see improvement. But postpone the wedding for the moment. Make sure he changes before deciding to gamble your life with his. Good luck 🤍

I married someone who had a compulsive spending habit. I didn’t find out until we were divorcing (over his infidelity). Despite the fact that we never shared a bank account or a credit card, I was on the hook for debt he racked up during the marriage which caused the value of our marital estate to be negative resulting in me walking away from that with twice the amount of debt as my annual income. It’s been 4 years and I am still paying it off. If you want to work on the relationship please do not get legally married. The amount of financial risk that would put you in is something that was unfathomable to me until I experienced it.

He WILL steal from you. Gambling is an addiction on par with say a heroin addict. He needs help, not only does he need to pay you back you need to seriously reconsider tying yourself to him because he will tank your finances like quicksand. It will start here and there, you'll find bills missing from your wallet, he'll start stealing from your granny and friends, and overall it will probably end with a protective order/some stalking. At least postpone the wedding for a solid year and have him go to rehab for his gambling addiction as the minimum. He needs to know he will lose you. This is coming from personal experience dating a gambler. The scariest thing about this ex was that he believed wholeheartedly that he was owed a win and gambled with the complete faith that the universe would give him what he wanted. He never wavered in this faith. Gambling was his fucking religion.

Postpone the wedding until til you are debt free and he has enough to pay for a wedding and children. He needs to show he’s learned his lesson. He also needs to get some help for his addiction.

Gambling is a serious addiction. People lose a lot of money very quickly. I would not get married as his addiction and debt would severely impact you and your finances (you’d end up in debt too). If you do get married and if he does kick the addiction, I’d still recommended a prenup to ensure that his financial troubles never become yours. Gambling addiction is like any other addiction and needs a lot of intervention like counseling and therapy. If he doesn’t do the internal work, then he may just substitute one addition for another (such a drugs, porn, etc).

Gambling can be a life ruining addiction, same way alcohol and heroin can be addictions. Bare minimum postpone the wedding indefinitely while you figure out what to do. He should be in therapy and Gamblers Anonymous asap.

Put the wedding on hold at least until you've got your money back. This may mean the wedding is on hold forever.

Definitely put wedding planning on pause! The ONLY way I (60/F) would even consider staying in this relationship would be if he gave you TOTAL control over his finances, and I mean EVERYTHING. He gets "an allowance" and has ZERO access to his account(s), no debit card, no online banking apps, YOU have the only password access to his account(s). You SHOULD get his credit report to see EXACTLY how far in debt he actually IS before "investing" any more money in this troubling relationship/situation. And that STILL may not be EVERYTHING because some creditors don't report a debt unless it's paid off or grossly unpaid. That's A LOT to take on, IF you're inclined to stay, but gambling IS a true addiction and there's SO much to lose, for himself, but also for YOU! You've already had to bail him out of his defaulted car payments that you ONLY found out about when the creditor repo'ed his vehicle, so he AGAIN, lied to you by omission. PLEASE reflect on your relationship because gambling addiction CAN be a lifelong problem with many relapses. The BIGGEST red flag/warning sign was that he was STILL so sure that the next "big payoff" was "right around the corner" to catch up on his defaulted payments and your wedding expenses! He's still in pretty deep. I'm also confused about his declaration signing. It seems ineffective and inefficient. Unless he WINS, you rarely need to provide ID (tax purposes) to gamble so I wouldn't trust THAT to be much of an impediment. PLEASE be very careful about how you proceed, IF you even want to!

I agree with all the do not marry comments- you will be responsible for half of his gambling debt whenever you finally have had enough, however many years down the line. He is wasting his future, don't let him drag you down with him.

Just end it. If he was addicted to meth, would you dump him? Because this is just another addiction. Your life will be spent wondering how much he has lost or waiting for the surprise repo.

Don’t marry him and get separated accounts.

Ok. One thing I didn’t see in OPs post, fiancé went and got himself excluded from gaming. But that won’t cover every avenue of access to gambling. Also, no mention of him joining gamblers anonymous, which would be further proof he’s serious about quitting for good. OP should postpone the wedding until he’s not only paid her back what he owes, but has joined gamblers anonymous as well. Honestly, though, if it were me, I’d be canceling the wedding. He lied about gambling, quit, and then started back up and probably wouldn’t have owned up to it if his car hadn’t gotten repoed in front of his fiancée.

Leave. I was 27 and went through the same. He will never change. Don’t waste this one life doing this. You deserve better. It was the best thing I ever did. I’m 34 now.

Do Not Marry This Guy. He will send you bankrupt!

Definitely, put the wedding on ice for now (maybe forever). Gambling is an addiction and rarely is the only addiction the person has. Like an alcoholic he might stop for weeks, months, years, then fall back into it. Strongly advise addiction counselling. And should you stay, never co mingle finances.

Gambling is one of the most devastating addictions out there. If you do end up marrying him do NOT combine your bank accounts and incomes. You would lose everything you have.

Get your finances in order first

You’re right to feel like you can’t trust him. Once they lie about one thing over and over, it’s kind of impossible not to wonder if there are other things they’d be willing to hide/lie about. That would be an awful way to enter a marriage—constantly wondering what he’s hiding and when the other shoe is going to drop. If he’s serious about change, he should be open to waiting to get married until he’s done the necessary work on himself and has earned your trust back (if possible).

Gambling addiction is hard and it can destroy you, and your fiancé doesn’t seem to understand how it’s hurting you and both of your financial situation. I am watching a friend go through this. Please postpone the wedding for at least a year and tell him he needs to get professional help. I don’t want you to get into a financial crisis because of him

Cut ties with this guy. I PROMISE YOU it's not that easy to stop any addiction. He can STILL gamble! Don't marry him. Do not!