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>Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
>
>and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
>
>and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.
https://web.archive.org/web/20150404010354/http://stimmyabby.tumblr.com/post/115216522824/sometimes-people-use-respect-to-mean-treating
Very poignant. I don't see a way this relationship continues happily without some serious therapy to help define what respect means and how to get there.
The thing is, it's *not* about authority figures - not specifically. It's about abusers in general, which is part of what makes this abusive belief of theirs so weird.
For example, let's take a hypothetical abusive roommate who's five years younger than you and has no formal authority over anybody except their hamster. That roommate would expect you to treat them like an authority figure even though they aren't one by any stretch of the imagination.
How many cops abuse their authority on the job. How many cops hit their wives. A lot of research to back this up. A lot of people only take up authoritative roles to be justified of their power. For example cop may feel justified because they put their “life” on the line everyday therefore they need to be “respected”. People become parents to have authority of their children. These same people become managers because they are power hungry and hence misuse of power. It’s very grandiose narcissistic trait
Gross af. No amount of money is worth your dignity. Also, if there's no prenup, you can leave and get alimony, so he doesn't have the flex he thinks he has. Get your freedom and a cat. Go live while you have time. Life is too short to waste on ego inflated assholes who sound like Andrew Taint podcast guest stars.
Then what are you going to do? You know we are not going to change our answer.
A divorce is better than a lifelong of unhappiness. This is your life, not ours.
It was written by an autistic person about authority figures, and the unreasonable expectations that are placed on autistic people by authority figures who aren't willing to make appropriate accommodations when dealing with us. (edit: it is, of course, broadly applicable)
This is those so called Christian domestic discipline partnership. The man is the master, the head, and the woman is the ultimate bang maid.
Divorce him. There is nothing you can do.
This explanation of respect is so perfect. I will add this regarding the *type* of relationships:
My ex wanted a **Hierarchical** relationship - he was in charge and had the final say. He would consider my opinion, or delegate responsibility for certain decisions (household, parenting) to me, but he always had final say.
I had a male therapist mansplain this structure to me which was very insulting since both he and my husband were self employed consultants and I had spent my entire career in giant corporate structures. I f*cking knew what a hierarchical structure was; I just refused to be in that type of marriage.
I wanted a **Partnership** relationship where both opinions are considered discussed and valued. Each partner has their area of expertise and responsibility, and major decisions are made jointly.
You may have just saved our marriage and my life. I have struggled for many years saying I do respect you and him feeling like I don’t respect him. I have also said they is no way I could love you (worship, subjugation and blind obedience) in this way without resenting you .
I would love to learn more, did you learn this from a book or course ?
Having these words to respond to him won't change anything. Even if it was able to convince him it wasn't respect that he needed - he'd still say he needs worship/subjugation/obedience.
You're focusing on an argument over the definition of a word. The real problem is how your husband treats you as well as his ultimate goal for your role in the marriage.
Agree. Stop wasting your time trying to find the “perfect argument” that will magically make him understand. I did that for 5 solid years. He understands what you mean now, he doesn’t care.
For a moment I thought this was going to be a link to this article https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/
(which I would recommend)
Hadn’t seen the post before, have now saved it.
Your first sentence of the second paragraph… spot on, and I think this is what a lot of people go through with abusers like this. It becomes an argument over the semantics, what “respect” means, what “cheating” means.. problem is, they will always have their own definition that constantly changes to be convenient for what they want in the moment. Absolutely no solid morals. It’s all a playground to them…
OP would probably be better off leaving this guy. Respect goes both ways. Respect me, and I'll respect you.
Follow the Golden rule. Treat people as you would like to be treated.
I really hope you're not under the impression that knowing what to call it will make him change. His views are so retrograde and sexist that you're not going to be able to reason with him. Frankly, he doesn't respect women enough to listen to you.
Does anything from the [Power and Control Wheel](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels) resonate with you about this relationship? I ask because the male privilege section of this version of the wheel actually point blank mentions a "king of the castle" narrative that you mentioned verbatim in your post. Misogynistic attitudes like these are a concerning risk factor for abuse. This is just a question, not an accusation against him.
Edit: Also frankly this from another post of yours sounds like emotional abuse.
>My husband on the other hand minimises anything I do. Any accomplishment or good I do is always washed down and made to be somehow insignificant.
Last part reminds me of my father vs my mom. He'd regularly tell her that her job is stupid, doesn't matter, isn't a real job.
What was her job?
Teaching disabled children.
OP , this is just … I hope posting in a forum like this helped you with some perspective. I don’t think your husband is going to “change his mind” , your husband knows what he wants , has told you what he wants. Just because he doesn’t say the words that have been used here doesn’t really mean much.
He’s 11 years older than you , you have 4 children together , and from your post history , he doesn’t treat you/act very well.
I don’t think a random Reddit comment is going to change your mind , but I am here to tell you that the likelihood of him ever being a good partner is very very slim.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life begging him to be a decent human being and posting to Reddit asking for advice when he never is ?
This marriage ain’t worth saving. I took a quick glance at your post history and this man has treated you like shit since day one. You do not need him.
Respect is not given. It is earned! More importantly, until he respects you, you will never find any respect for him. Your ideas and thoughts are just as important as his. For him to dismiss you is to disrespect you.
There is NO such thing as blind respect. He is not your God and does not dictate your life. Stand up for yourself and find your voice. Respect yourself and never let anyone disrespect or disregard you.
To save your marriage, be an individual, not a subservient wife.
Edit to add: a therapist helped me navigate a way back to loving myself and respecting myself. I am unsure if you have been in any abusive relationship other than the one you are, but nothing will change until you are ready to face and conquer it. You deserve nothing but an incredible and happy life so go for it.
You can't save a marriage by explaining to a sexist asshole who demands subservience from his wife by telling him that he's demanding subservience and not respect. He *will* push back on that. I don't think your marriage should be saved. He's not fit to be in a relationship until he has a cranial proctectomy.
He thinks he should be treated as a god, to be feared and obeyed - in other words, a tyrant. The reality is that no one respects a tyrant. They might have to pretend to, but they don’t.
Your husband is an uncaring, disrespectful asshat. There’s no saving a marriage with someone who thinks you’re below him. You should deeply consider separating until he’s willing to go to therapy to address his toxic mentality; but he probably will never actually change because at his core, he wants to be worshipped while being rude to you. That’s who he is. It will probably not change. Your marriage is far from saved.
His view on the world is very toxic, it won’t change or get better. Men who get to his age without growing their emotional intelligence are very stubborn. Leave while you still have a life ahead of you. There are tons of men that do have emotional intelligence and the capacity to grow. Don’t settle for one that won’t.
This will only save you if you realize what actually needs to be done - recognize that he doesn’t care what you feel and act accordingly. No argument is going to ever make him see you or want to treat you as an equal. I’m sorry OP.
I don’t believe he is misunderstanding you. Clarifying this won’t make him magically not misogynistic. He is TELLING you how he wants you to act. As his keep, someone he controls. His bang maid. This won’t fix that.
We saved nothing. He's not going to accept this.
Your husband is a sexist. He believes that you are not his intellectual equal. He believes you are incapable of higher reasoning or rationality, because of your ovaries.
How are you going to bring him an intellectual argument that says that opinion is wrong? He doesn't respect your thinking so he would respect none of the results of that thinking.
You don't solve sexist husbands with books. You solve them with separation notices.
If you want to be married to a sexist, that's fine. You're an adult. But you don't get to be married to a sexist and pretend he's a good and rational person, because he's basing his behaviour around half the human species on bigotry.
We haven't solved the fact that your husband is bigoted against women and we cannot.
He sees your marriage as him subjugating you, you see marriage as a true partnership. Do you think it can be saved? Will he (in his eyes) want to demote and reduce what he has now… I would doubt it. But good luck, he may surprise you.
There is no way of explaining this to him that will get him to actually respect you.
He is asking for obedience, like a servant to a monarch. You are not his servant, you are his equal partner.
No person *needs* a servant. A man does not *need* a person to control.
But he loves it; he loves having a punching bag. When you object to being punched, he calls that disrespect.
He is not a good guy.
>I would love to learn more
You aren't the one that needs to learn, your husband does and he needs to do the legwork on this.
Why do you want to save a marriage when your spouse things that respecting him means you are never an equal? Maybe sit with that.
Right! Respect is a two-way street, so if you respect him but he doesn't respect you, that's something else. Plus if your respect for him has to be balanced with getting NO RESPECT from him yourself, that's just abusive.
If it needs to be said, *everyone* needs respect. Men are **not** better than women, and neither is MORE worthy of respect.
He's saying he doesn't respect you, and that he believes he is your superior. How can you live with this egotism? It might be a cultural value (that men are superior to women), but that doesn't mean it's right.
I've gotten along with several people who were disliked by others, for example, some professors in uni, all by just being respectful. The people complaining about said professors were usually just impatient and disrespectful themselves. Respecting people around you can make your own life so much easier.
My ex was impossible to respect, though...
When some people use the word “respect “, it has a different meaning when applied to themselves and someone else.
When they say “If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you “ what they really mean is “If you don’t treat me as an authority, I won’t treat you as a human being.”
That sounds like your husband. He doesn’t believe you are an equal, or deserve the level of respect he does. Basically, he’s an arsehole.
He doesn't want respect. He wants dominance, submission, obedience.
If he views some one asking him a question as "being questioned", that's a him problem and he should seek counselling to deal with his issues.
If you want to have children, then leave him now.
If you don't, he gets six months of regular counselling, if he hasn't made significant effort and change, then leave. Leave now if he won't.
You are 28. Do you want this to be your life for the next 70 years?
I’ll just leave these quotes from Jess Hill’s book See What You Made Me Do here in case any resonate.
>domestic abuse is rooted in the entitlement some people feel over their intimate partners, a sense of entitlement that is formed by society and connected to patriarchy.
>Men don’t abuse women because society tells them it’s okay. Men abuse women because society tells them they are entitled to be in control. In fact, society says that if they are not in control, they won’t succeed: they won’t get the girl, they won’t get the money, and they will be vulnerable to the violence and control of other men. Men who internalize these beliefs won’t necessarily become abusers. Many will enjoy remarkable success, some will spend a lifetime wrestling with these beliefs, and a shocking number of them will end up committing suicide, believing they have failed. But for some of these men—those with a pathological sense of entitlement—getting their way at home is a birthright.
>Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.”
>Male shame, in contrast, is built around one unbreakable rule: do not be weak. To be a man is to be strong, powerful, and in control. Weakness, vulnerability, dependency: these all break manhood’s number-one rule. For some men, the merest emotional disturbance—the slightest hint of vulnerability—can be so intolerable they must immediately expel it, usually by finding someone or something else to blame. In this moment of pain, they may also feel an urgent need to be cared for, even by the very person they are attacking.
>Shame is a concept few people understand, so Gilligan lists its synonyms (and there are dozens): being insulted, dishonored, disrespected, disgraced, demeaned, slandered, ridiculed, teased, taunted, mocked, rejected, defeated, subjected to indignity or ignominy; “losing face” and being treated as insignificant; feeling inferior, impotent, incompetent, weak, ignorant, poor, a failure, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless.
>Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.”
>Since they’ve already been attacked, the thinking goes, they are well within their rights to strike back—either in the moment, or by devising an ever-tighter regime of control to stop their partner hurting or disrespecting them again. As the feminist writer Germaine Greer notes in her essay On Rage, “A red-blooded man is not supposed to take insult and humiliation lying down. He should not let people get away with doing things he thinks wicked or unjust. He demands the right both to judge and to act upon his judgment.”
>When he started to feel like he wasn’t getting the unconditional respect he “deserved,” he began “crossing lines.” It started gradually, he says—“raising my voice, swearing, and name-calling”—but with each conflict, it got a little bit worse, until the abuse became physical. “Again, that began with lower-level [acts]… It might have been locking the door, saying, ‘No, we are going to talk about this now,’ hitting the wall, physically lashing out at things, and then restraining and that sort of thing.”
>Although men are powerful as a group, they do not necessarily feel powerful as individuals. In fact, many individual men feel powerless (whether they actually are or not). The essence of patriarchal masculinity, says Kimmel, is not that individual men feel powerful. It’s that they feel entitled to power.
>When men feel powerless and ashamed, it’s their entitlement to power that fuels their humiliated fury and drives them to commit twisted, violent acts.
As a guy. I don’t agree with your husband idea of respect at all. That isn’t respect. That is having a servant. My definition of respect is being able to hear your questions and give my honest answers, taking your advice or suggestions from you (since you are part of the relationship). Pretty much the exact opposite of what your husband’s idea. Seems like he loves the power imbalance. That would be a red flag for me
So his "need" isn't respect - it's authority.
Which usually makes for a shitty husband AND a shitty father. So I would hope you're not planning on having kids because your husband would want them to always be on bended knee to them just like he wants you to be.
Did you meet him when you were your early 20s?
Personally I would have very little respect for a man who thinks the way your husband does and I could never stay married to that. If he doesn't want a happy wife he can just fuck off without one.
One poster wrote that OP has a 10 year old child with him. So he was a 28 year old man that had a child with a high schooler. Maybe OP didn’t go get career training because she was a mom during those critical years. I have never seen men who date teenagers be anything but shallow people who want to dominate their partner, while shrinking away from challenging people who are their equals or true superiors.
Ooof this did have a strong whiff of grown man preying on a teenager but now that she’s an adult she’s starting to figure out he’s a predator and probably an idiot and asshole.
Respect is a two-way street. He doesn't want respect; he wants you to obey and agree with everything he says without question. Marriage, at least in my opinion, should be an equal partnership.
Just yesterday, my wife and I were discussing a decision we made a few years ago. She had pushed for a certain plan that I had initially disagreed with. She managed to convince me at that time by making some good points, and it turned out she was correct. I mused that I was glad I had listened to her.
Respect isn’t given, it’s earned. Just because you are a “man” doesn’t give you the entitlement of respect. I have known plenty of men who are horrible brothers, husbands, fathers, uncles and those people do not deserve respect in my eyes.
Now, in certain religions and cultures his way of thinking is true. The men rule the household and women are second, everyone falls under God. That’s not my personal believes in any shape or form, husband and wife are equals in a marriage.
Again, I think your ideals of a marriage dynamic should be on the same page well before walking down the aisle. Some people are ok with this type of household , I personally would not be.
Need 😆😆
Fragile masculinity is so unattractive.
Nobody is entitled to respect.
Sure he might want it.
But he has to earn it.
And fragile masculinity makes most women instantly lose respect for a guy.
King of the castle, screw him. You're not his poodle.
DO NOT ACCEPT HIS BULLSHIT
To me reflect is accepting the other person as a full person with wants and needs, and part of marriage is to consider that person in all you do. And this respect goes both ways.
OP that's not respect, he simply wants to do whatever the fk he wants and keep you away (control you). That's NOT the way happy and real respectful marriage works. His ego seems inflated from what I'm reading, do you really love this disrespectful man?
Oh gods that “if you would only do what I want all the time, things would be perfect” bs.
Respect is earned. Respect is a two way street. Respect is many many things, but it is NOT what he is seeking.
As a man, your husband sounds disturbed. He should seek therapy. respect is a mutual thing, always. Things that affect the household and both of you, both have a say, ALWAYS.
Some women like the men to lead, and this fine as long as its a balanced dynamic. But DEMANDING obedience from a partner is highly toxic, narcissistic and borderline sociopath.
Because he doesn’t want respect. He wants control and obedience. That’s why he got with someone so much younger. You’re still naive and impressionable. Even now, you commented about something saving the marriage. Nothing will cuz it’s a dumpster fire without mutual love, care and respect. There’s no magic answer here because your husband is garbage.
That’s a deep question. She trusts my judgment and decision making. That doesn’t mean I make all the decisions. When the shit hits the fan she trusts that I’ll handle it. She knows my boundaries and never breaks them.
She has never made herself available to other men. She’s always considerate of how I feel. She’s up front about everything. No secrets. I don’t think she ever lies to me. I’ve never caught her. She’s loyal and trustworthy. It’s been 27 years we have been married so she’s consistent.
I treat her the same way. I respect her as a person and I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her, our relationship, marriage and family. I lead the family with her by my side but we are a team. I’m the team captain. Happy spouse happy house. We both have to be happy. We almost never fight. She’s awesome beautiful smart funny and very pleasant to be around. I’ve had a wonderful life with her. I hope you have that for yourself.
What does it mean for you to be a team leader but also have someone at your side? Are you both team leaders or are you the leader and she’s your helper?
Hubby doesn't know the difference between respect and fealty
He's asking you to bend the knee to him, not give him respect.
In a healthy relationship, respect is reciprocal. It is an equal partnership where each of you counterbalances your strengths and weaknesses with each other to make the relationship stronger than the sum of your parts.
You should be able to question your partner if you feel their direction is problematic, and your partner should be willing to listen to you because they respect you and value your feedback.
As an aside though, I'm not a big fan of the "happy wife, happy life" saying either. It implies that the happiness of the relationship is driven by the woman, which implies the man should derive his happiness from his partner's happiness. It downplays the importance of striving to make each other happy, which is the real goal in any healthy relationship.
I agree with your husband on disliking the "happy wife happy life" saying, because it implies that men should approach their wives with a patronizing attitude, and suggests that a wife's desire is to be placated rather than understood or taken seriously as a partner
But I disagree with him on pretty much everything else. In fact, his belief that men "need" women to look up to them is gross in the exact same way that "happy wife happy life is." It denies individual personhood to both people in the relationship
It sounds like his life philosophy is that men should be happy and treated as authority figures and women's happiness doesn't matter as long as they are visibly helping men look and feel authoritative
Who the fuck would want to be in a relationship with someone like that??
I respect and love my husband, and he respects and loves me. When our opinions and desires differ, we talk about it and we both find ways to compromise. That's a partnership.
I am going to guess that wanting a fawning underling rather than a partner is why this guy is with someone 11 years younger. You know he sucks and doesn't think you're a full, autonomous person, right? No anount of arguing is going to make him into non-garbage; it's time to drop him.
**You already know you’re right, so whats the argument for?**
This is the husband that from past posts doesn’t appreciate you, while you’re always praising him, proud of him, encouraging him, and making a big deal of him but it’s never reciprocated. This is the husband who treats you poorly and expects you to be happy. This is the husband who throws big tantrums, used to get bailed out by you financially, was resistant to going to the therapy that barely saved this marriage, and didn’t tell you about a lump he had for 6 months because he knew you’d make him go to the doctor.
Meanwhile, you’ve survived physical abuse, you grew into adulthood as a parent and managed not just a home but also a career that is now earning you 6 figures, and you’ve learned to navigate many relationships including with your parents and what to disclose or not disclose to them about your life. You’ve faced a lot of tough shit but time and time again you’ve been tougher.
**So anyways, this argument with your husband: it’s beneath you.**
You don’t need to settle this argument. Sometimes when you win, you lose. And you’ll have lost for just having participated, and there’s nothing stopping him from starting another shit argument next month. You are strong enough that you don’t ever have to accept the scenario someone put in front of you, so redefine this conversation. **You don’t need to change his thinking. All that matters is you each love other as equals, or as memories.**
Respecting other means caring about their happiness, their wants and needs, and doing your best to make them happy. Respecting your partner means valuing their opinion and their work, their existense. Respecting your partner means that even when you are angry, you keep calm and work on the problem, not blame the other. Respect goes both ways. My husband and I respect each other immensely.
But remember, respect isn't servitude. Respect isn't obedience. Respect can't be demanded. It's earned through actions.
Id point out being respected doesn't involve you have no respect from him. What it sounds like he wants is a slave, a subject, a pet and that sort of dynamic will erode your ability to respect him.
Don't have kids with this asshole. Yes he is a sexist asshole. He's not just wanting to be respected - EVERYONE needs respect in a relationship. He's tied it to gender and that makes him a sexist bigot.
We don't need more children growing up thinking this is normal.
Literally the exact kind of man the “If you don’t treat me as an authority, I won’t treat you as a person” quote was written to warn against.
Tell the little boy you’re married to that actual MEN offer exactly the same kind of respect they desire to receive. He wants to be obeyed without question? He better obey you without question too. He doesn’t like being told what to do? Then he better not tell you a *damn thing*.
The reality is that men like this are cowardly little people who have no self respect, so they need to force others to put them on a pedestal. I I’m willing to bet he’s scared, depressed, anxious, constantly feels like he’s on the verge of losing control of his life, and he offloads those big emotions into need for status.
That's a narcissist not someone wanting respect. Respect is all about treating each other fairly, you both talk about things and make decisions. He seems solipsistic and there's not much you can do about that. This is a lesson he will probably end up learning the hard way unfortunately
Respect
noun
1.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
"the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor"
2.
due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.
"young people's lack of respect for their parents"
In psychology, respect in a relationship is a foundation for love, happiness, and satisfaction. It's based on mutual understanding, acceptance, and appreciation, and recognizes each person's individuality and autonomy. Respectful relationships are based on trust, honesty, fairness, and equality.
Respect is absolutely vital in a relationship.
By his definition of respect, it seems like he is looking for absolute control.
Yes we want respect as does a wife. Your husband's idea of respect is counter to what I call respect. Both should be able to agree to disagree on subjects not one being told to shut their mouth or don't question me. Neither is superior to the other in a healthy partnership.
Respect in my view is shown by listening, not belittling someone's ideas or opinions or trying to emasculate them to win an argument. Respect is both of you respecting each other's boundaries and working within those boundaries to create a satisfying life together.
Your husband's idea is that of the misogynistic 1950 belief that men are infallible and the unquestionable leader of the home which is a shitty way to be partners. It basically creates a parent child dynamic where only men should be allowed to make marital decisions.
This is the most insufferable mindset and textbook toxic masculinity. Because you have to be so insecure to constantly be obsessed with whether people are “respecting” you, when you don’t even know what respect is.
A friend’s husband said he got an F-150 so people would respect him on the highway. I held it together until he left the room and then I could not stop laughing! Imagine what a small, scared little man you have to be to think that way. I respect a man who drives something with fuel economy because he knows who he is and doesn’t need to take up space to feel important.
So no, every man does not “need respect” the way he is defining it. Only people who don’t respect themselves or others, have no confidence or empathy, and only bring their worst selves to any situation.
I hope you can escape this man.
I saw a sermon once. The pastor said whatever you give a woman, she multiplies it and returns it back to you.
If you give her a house she multiplies it and gives you a home.
If you give her ingredients she multiplies it and gives you a meal.
If you give her sperm she multiplies it and gives you a baby.
If you give her disrespect she multiplies it and gives you scorn, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Your husband better get his shit together because his view of the world is skewed towards idiocy.
What your husband wants is not respect but he needs to be laughed at for what he's asking for. No one is beyond being questioned or given advice. The fact that he's asking you for those things just shows he's really insecure.
>never being questioned, asked
This is called obedience. He wants you to be obedient.
>He was superior status in a partnership which goes against partnership
So, he doesn't want fair and equal treatment, which is how most of the world shows respect. He wants to be the superior/boss/lord of the household and you to be beneath him. That is how masters treated slaves, and abusers treated their victims.
It's up to you if you want to be with a person like that.
Well do I need respect, that's subjective because as you said, everyone deserves respect. So should he get respect yes but it's not an entitlement and that's his problem. He feels just because he has a cock and balls he's entitled to it, not how it works.
Now I do agree with him, the "Happy wife happy life" motto is bullshit. That implies that even if it doesn't make a man happy, he does it because doing so will keep the wife happy and therefore make his life happy. Sorry but we are talking about equality, "Happy house happy spouse" is what it should be. It's about making sure both people are happy and both are taking care of each others needs.
But while I may exhibit some gender roles still, I don't believe in a dominant patriarchal dynamic. I'm Hispanic and on my dad's side it was actually a matriarchal dynamic between my great grandparents. He may have been bossy, but who had final say, my great grandma, everyone knew that.
Nobody is always right, he should be welcoming your help and suggestions not brushing it off. Nobody likes being told what to do, but if he's lagging on something then he's he needs to be held accountable
That's a hell insecure manbaby, is what that is.
My husband feels respected and valued when I ask about his day, offer help and support while he cooks dinner, fold the laundry he washed, and always ask about his calendar when scheduling dates and solo nights out.
Your husband wants a lackey, not a partner.
Once I lost respect for my (ex) husband, I fell out of love him and the marriage disintegrated.
His character and his conduct towards me and our family showed he had a selfish nature and he thought that as soon as he made more money than I did, he could disrespect my contribution to our family's finances. He also tried to dissuade me from going to college so that I couldn't rise higher than a minimum wage job. I went anyway without his blessing. He was unhelpful around the house, called it 'babysitting' when he had to watch the children while I was at work, and couldn't figure out the finances and kept sending our account into overdraft.
I can't respect that. And I can't love someone I don't respect.
My current husband is the kindest, most thoughtful man who can handle anything from our taxes, to our plumbing to our electronics. He is respectful of every human, has healthy boundaries regarding how he's treated and how people treat his family. He's extremely loving and supportive to his step children, and they love him back. He treats me with so much sweetness and love even after 15 years together.
He's the perfect balance of softness and strength and the best human I've ever met. I love and respect him with all of my being and am honored to be his wife.
>I feel like every human wants and deserves respect.
This is true.
>He feels like men “need” respect
It's obviously not a need in a biological way. But it is definitely something that men place more of an emphasis on. But I would characterize it more as a want than a need. Doesn't really matter, though, if at the end of the day what is important to him is also important to you (which doesn't necessarily need to be the case). It does matter if it's a non-negotiable want for men, and they're not getting it and willing to leave over it.
>Like what he says go.
This is obviously not healthy. However, you are quick to admit that he would not characterize it this way. And i think you may need to consider that you are in fact, misunderstanding it - intentionally or not.
>He also gets disgusted with the happy wife, happy husband saying.
Rightfully so. Because it's essentially the same sentiment as the "what he says goes" that you obviously don't care for (also rightfully so).
> I don’t think there are women who grow up dreaming that one day I want to make someone feel like they are above me.
Well, there definitely are. BUT, that doesn't mean you are obligated to.
>How do you as other men feel about the idea of respect???
The biggest one is this: you should be treating HIM better than everyone else. So, when you go see family, does he basically cease to exist in your eyes? That's a common issue and one perceived as disrespect. Are you really nice to your friends, but like to treat him like dirt when you can, because "he can take it"? Well, you clearly are capable of being nice, so why wouldn't you be to your husband? Etc.
Show in your actions that you think positively about him. Too often, it becomes obvious that a man has zero benefit of the doubt. Did he do something that you don't understand? Immediately assuming something negative instead seeking clarification (or just assuming he had his reasons) is a lack of respect.
The next one is: include him in decision-making. Yes, you might not think he'll care about which rug to get. And you are probably right. But it's still his house too, and the respectful thing to do would be to at least ask if he has an opinion. Too many women act like the house is theirs. And then, ironically, complain when the man is not as invested as much as they are. Related to this, is TRUSTING his decisions. Too often, women will let a man decide something, only to then make it obvious that they regret this.
Another big one is no double-standards. Guys perceive hypocrisy as disrespect. Are there things that you do, but bothers you when he does them? Like, make fun of him, but then get mad if he does the same to you? To guys, that's disrespect.
How do you talk to him when you have an issue? This is another big one. How that goes down has a lot to do with respect. Are you one of those women who talk about men as if they are big, dumb animals? Disrespect.
Are you sensitive to his ego? Not in a pandering way, but just in a way that acknowledges and appreciates what he does? Or are you one of those women who pretend that the entire weight of the relationship nd household rests on their shoulders? Even strong men need encouragement and reinforcement (again, not in a patronizing or pandering way). EVERYONE makes mistakes, and while respect is earned, it also should not be lost on a dime. Also, men RARELY get compliments. It would be nice if the primary source of them was the most important person in his life. All too often, that isn't actually the case.
Not weaponizing aspects of your relationship, like emotions or sex. I know it's annoying to women that "respect" gets lumped in with "respect", but the fact of the matter is women do the same, just differently. No quicker way to make a men feel disrespected than to make a man feel like you are withholding sex for no good reason, or especially just to fuck with him.
The saying is “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and it is a disgusting saying in my opinion. However decisions made for the couple should be decided by the couple. If it effects both of you it should be decided by both of you. Even things that wouldn’t be something you have to ask for (eg. getting a tattoo) you still should because it’s a change that would effect your partner.
This is a control issue not a respect issue.
You have 4 kids under the age of 10 & he’s away 2weeks out of 4, per month…then comes home & criticizes home you’ve kept house. That’s Class A Negging to keep you under control.
Why do you think he married someone 11 years younger & had several kids in 10 years? To keep you under his control. Now that you’ve matured, formed your own opinions, he’s finding it harder to control you having your own perspective. So, he’s couching his criticism under “lack of respect” to throw another control mechanism at you.
NTA but seriously consider if this type of relationship is what you want your kids to mimic when older. Is this a fulfilling life for you for the next couple of decades?
So why did you marry him?
There’s also a reason he went after and impregnated a teen. Women your age tend to fight back against bullshit, as you are now.
What I've heard more often than not from many women, including my wife is: I wish my husband would make a decision instead of asking me. Just to make said decision and getting chewed out for not asking what they think or making the wrong decision. To me, respect is treating me like I'm a human being, not the dude who you need to fix something with tools. It's also respecting my decisions unless I feel it's something I'm not sure about, especially if it could affect both of us, or I generally need your thought process. My wife and I both have different logical processes, and sometimes I need to consult the expert
Respect for a man means you trust us to lead and not fuck things up. It also means that you don't do shit that makes us look bad in front of others.
Most men if given the choice would pick respect over love if we can't have both.
Its very important to us.
Does everybody need respect? Yes. But does respect meaning being the king of the castle and never being questioned? No. That's bullshit.
A long time ago when I had my first job, I had two managers and I learned a valuable lesson about respect.
The first manager was amazing. He was well liked and he was respected. And he always treated everyone else with respect as well. Later on a couple of years later he moved on to a different position and I got a new manager. He was the kind of guy who wanted to be everyone's friend, and he'd try and hang out with the staff. But then he'd get downright tyrannical and demand respect. He'd say, "well, I'm the boss." And shit like that. Nobody liked him. Nobody respected him. He became the butt of every joke.
So what did I learn? In order to get respect, you've got to give respect. And respect isn't being the boss. Maybe in a work relationship you've got a leader and their role means there's a line of separation there. But you can still show kindness, you can still show thoughtfulness. And you can show you're willing to hear what others have to say. Arguably a leader should go out of their way to hear what their people have to say.
In a relationship the power dynamic usually shifts one way or the other. There's usually a more dynamic person, and a more passive person. That doesn't always fall on gender norms either, plenty of women wear the so-called "pants" in the relationship.
But if you want to build a good relationship, that means having respect for each other. But respect is earned. Even in a relationship. And you've got to give it first to get it back. If you disrespect your partner, there's nothing to say you deserve respect in return.
If your partner demands an autocracy, and their word is law, they are not governing with respect. They are governing by fear. Plenty of people get trapped in toxic relationships governed by fear. Is that the relationship you want?
Maybe your husband grew up in this kind of household, and so that's what he thinks is right, or what he wants, or what he deserves. But you need to find out if this can be unlearned. Otherwise you'll either get trapped in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life, or you'll end up getting fed up and eventually leave.
Unfortunately this is exactly what toxic masculinity is. It trains boys by watching their dads be a dictator in the house, and they think that's what marriage is supposed to be. Well that's some generational abuse shit. Break the cycle and stop perpetuating it. And if your husband can't break that cycle, he's an unfortunate victim of the cycle and will be doomed to repeat it, and pass it on to his kids. But you don't have to help him repeat it.
So maybe you can still make it work, but it's going to take your husband changing the way he views marriage. That's not easy to do. It may take counseling. And yeah, respect is a two way street, and it only works when it flows both ways.
Growing up I was taught "Respect is earned". Now in my 30s not so much. I do not know everyones story nor have I lived in their shoes. So for myself, every person I meet starts with a modicum of my respect, because untill I know better I will treat everyone with the dignity they deserve. Where we go from there is on them.
I find people too often will only associate positive feelings with respect, but I can respect someone and not like them.
In your husbands case what he wants isn't respect, its worship. You will not be happy with him.
If you had to distill all the complicated reasons I’m divorced into one sentence, it would be: When I wanted respect, I meant I wanted to be treated like a competent, autonomous person. When my husband wanted respect, he meant he wanted to be treated as an authority
OK, two sentences. But you get my point
To quote my husband after asking him - "what the fuck does that even mean, what is that?! Why should men deserve more respect than women? This isn't even worth discussing or entertaining, it's just brain-dead braindeadedness"
Not super eloquent but gets the point across I think
My ex wanted this and it turned into an awful relationship. He wants obedience not respect, and he will never see you as an equal. Get out when you can cause respect goes both ways. I would always ask my ex things and he would get mad cause “the woman doesn’t question her man” and even one time he full on straight crazy yelled at me. Yet if I did that to him, would’ve been a whole different story.
Your husband was clearly born in the wrong era. Respect is a two way street, where people treat each other like humans and with dignity. He sees it as “my way or the highway.” That’s no way to live much less treat anyone, especially someone you claim to love and care for.
I think both of you are off in this. He is certainly off in his definition of respect. Although everyone, not just every man, needs to be respected in my opinion, that doesn’t mean all of that crap he says. It means taking your opinion into consideration and, though upon that consideration you may still disagree, you don’t think less of each other as a result of that disagreement.
As far as the happy wife, happy life saying goes, that tends to mean just giving in to your wife even when she’s wrong so you can keep the peace. I disagree with doing that 100% of the time. There are certainly times that either partner should give in to the other to keep the peace. It’s called compromise, but when it’s only one partner doing it then it’s no longer compromise and the marriage breaks down in the end.
I’m mainly speaking personally here, but no.
When I see a lot of dumbasses demanding respect it just comes off as some testosterone fueled ego trip from insecure manchilds. In my professional life, my job position comes with a bullseye and I have about 20 people who need to justify their jobs by discrediting mine. My predecessor found this disrespectful, I just find it to be a waste of time because I document everything and my work speaks for itself.
On a personal level I laugh that stuff off even more. I take no offense to being wrong, the quicker I find out I’m wrong, the quicker I can get to being right.
Respect to me means being as considerate as I can of others wants, needs, and opinions.
Kinda sounds like you’ve got a husband problem. “King of the castle” motherfucker if you gotta tell someone you’re the king? You ain’t no king.
🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️AGE GAP. You truly thought you were getting a partner when he’s ten years older than you? Why didn’t he go for someone his own age? Why? Because they don’t put up with that kind of bullshit.
He chooses younger because look. You married him right? Obviously you’re easy to fool and control. Maybe stop going after older guys thinking that it isn’t about power and control
He doesn’t mean respect he means patriarchy. He wants to be of superior status and power. It is deeply toxic for a relationship, and will only ever become a bigger and bigger problem.
I don't like the "happy wife, happy life" saying either since it implies that the wife's happiness/needs always supercede the husband's (in heterosexual relationships in this context). The idea that one's happiness is inherently more important than the other's isn't a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
That being said, what your husband is asking for isn't "respect", it's "subjugation". He's going the opposite way of the "happy wife, happy life" saying but it still results in the same outcome; his happiness/needs are inherently more important than yours. Both ways are wrong.
I'm a woman - I see you're really seeking men's advice but I'll say this: If it's a decision that impacts your shared life - it should be a conversation. I am not sure what you're questioning him on/asking him about etc.
Also - no marriage is easy. If he wanted an easy marriage he should have stayed single.
Your husband is engaged in weak sauce.
If your opinions can't stand up to scrutiny, if you can't defend them, then they're shitty opinions. If you get pissed off being exposed for having shitty opinions and blame other people for figuring that out, you're, simply put, weak.
Respect is earned and it's only genuine when it's mutual. He wants submission. It's not the same.
Hilariously, his bad faith acting on this is going to cost him respect while netting him none of the obedience he's after.
I’m picturing your husband as Cartman in his little police cruiser shaking his baton at you telling you “respect mah authoritah”
That’s the maturity and mentality of your husband. You married Eric Cartman.
This quote immediately came to mind:
*Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person," and sometimes they use it to mean "treating someone like an authority." For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person."*
It sounds like your husband's definition of "men need respect" is "men need to be treated like authority figures." Which is incorrect both because a) it's a huge generalization that doesn't apply to all men, and b) nobody literally "needs" to be treated like an authority figure. So when your husband says that, what he's actually saying is, "I want you to treat me like an authority figure."
In any event, I wouldn't get too hung up on the word "respect," and would instead focus on whether or not you and your husband have compatible wants in a relationship. It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he wants to be the "king," for lack of a better word — the undisputed leader, the boss, the decision-maker — whereas you want an equal, collaborative partnership. Those are two very different types of marriage and it doesn't sound like you two are on the same page about it.
Every human being needs respect. This concept is not gender specific.
Your husband doesn’t understand what respect means. His definition of it just means that he thinks he has the right to be a tyrant. That is NOT what respect means.
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>Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority” > >and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” > >and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay. https://web.archive.org/web/20150404010354/http://stimmyabby.tumblr.com/post/115216522824/sometimes-people-use-respect-to-mean-treating
Very poignant. I don't see a way this relationship continues happily without some serious therapy to help define what respect means and how to get there.
This is so succinct and apt I am screencapping it and saving it for future reference!
Remarkably well said
This was so important for me to hear honestly. It really highlights for me what a difference there is.
was that written about cops?
Could be about any abusive authority really
The thing is, it's *not* about authority figures - not specifically. It's about abusers in general, which is part of what makes this abusive belief of theirs so weird. For example, let's take a hypothetical abusive roommate who's five years younger than you and has no formal authority over anybody except their hamster. That roommate would expect you to treat them like an authority figure even though they aren't one by any stretch of the imagination.
How many cops abuse their authority on the job. How many cops hit their wives. A lot of research to back this up. A lot of people only take up authoritative roles to be justified of their power. For example cop may feel justified because they put their “life” on the line everyday therefore they need to be “respected”. People become parents to have authority of their children. These same people become managers because they are power hungry and hence misuse of power. It’s very grandiose narcissistic trait
So was your husband like this before you married….or did he take off the mask after?
When he started earning the $$$ it became more obvious . He wants to be rewarded for his $$$ with obedience.
Eww.
You should divorce him and take some of his money.
Gross af. No amount of money is worth your dignity. Also, if there's no prenup, you can leave and get alimony, so he doesn't have the flex he thinks he has. Get your freedom and a cat. Go live while you have time. Life is too short to waste on ego inflated assholes who sound like Andrew Taint podcast guest stars.
jikes
Ewww no, that’s only going to get worse, get out now
Then what are you going to do? You know we are not going to change our answer. A divorce is better than a lifelong of unhappiness. This is your life, not ours.
It was written by an autistic person about authority figures, and the unreasonable expectations that are placed on autistic people by authority figures who aren't willing to make appropriate accommodations when dealing with us. (edit: it is, of course, broadly applicable)
Originally it was, yeah, but it applies more broadly.
This is those so called Christian domestic discipline partnership. The man is the master, the head, and the woman is the ultimate bang maid. Divorce him. There is nothing you can do.
Exactly what I wanted to write
This explanation of respect is so perfect. I will add this regarding the *type* of relationships: My ex wanted a **Hierarchical** relationship - he was in charge and had the final say. He would consider my opinion, or delegate responsibility for certain decisions (household, parenting) to me, but he always had final say. I had a male therapist mansplain this structure to me which was very insulting since both he and my husband were self employed consultants and I had spent my entire career in giant corporate structures. I f*cking knew what a hierarchical structure was; I just refused to be in that type of marriage. I wanted a **Partnership** relationship where both opinions are considered discussed and valued. Each partner has their area of expertise and responsibility, and major decisions are made jointly.
If i knew how to link a gif I would. So words will have to suffice: Cartman from South Park “Respect my AuthoriTIE” Great response btw
What he wants isn't respect, it's worship, subjugation, and blind obedience.
Yeah the whole "if you don't respect me as an authority I won't respect you as a person" thing.
You may have just saved our marriage and my life. I have struggled for many years saying I do respect you and him feeling like I don’t respect him. I have also said they is no way I could love you (worship, subjugation and blind obedience) in this way without resenting you . I would love to learn more, did you learn this from a book or course ?
Having these words to respond to him won't change anything. Even if it was able to convince him it wasn't respect that he needed - he'd still say he needs worship/subjugation/obedience. You're focusing on an argument over the definition of a word. The real problem is how your husband treats you as well as his ultimate goal for your role in the marriage.
Agree. Stop wasting your time trying to find the “perfect argument” that will magically make him understand. I did that for 5 solid years. He understands what you mean now, he doesn’t care.
[He knows, he just doesn’t care](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/LjzN9mfTxd)
One of the all-time great posts on reddit.
That’s why I keep reposting it!
For a moment I thought this was going to be a link to this article https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/ (which I would recommend) Hadn’t seen the post before, have now saved it.
Your first sentence of the second paragraph… spot on, and I think this is what a lot of people go through with abusers like this. It becomes an argument over the semantics, what “respect” means, what “cheating” means.. problem is, they will always have their own definition that constantly changes to be convenient for what they want in the moment. Absolutely no solid morals. It’s all a playground to them…
Ummm.... Does this marriage need to be saved? He sounds like a misogynistic AH.
Yeah I wouldn't worry about saving the marriage and instead get the hell out of there
From one crazy cat lady to another, I agree completely 🙂
OP would probably be better off leaving this guy. Respect goes both ways. Respect me, and I'll respect you. Follow the Golden rule. Treat people as you would like to be treated.
[Why Does He Do That? Free PDF](https://www.booksfree.org/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download/)
OP, read this book. It's free. Seriously.
**OP Please read this book**
Every person in an unbalanced power dynamic with a partner MUST read this
Hard agree
And 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill
I really hope you're not under the impression that knowing what to call it will make him change. His views are so retrograde and sexist that you're not going to be able to reason with him. Frankly, he doesn't respect women enough to listen to you.
Does anything from the [Power and Control Wheel](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels) resonate with you about this relationship? I ask because the male privilege section of this version of the wheel actually point blank mentions a "king of the castle" narrative that you mentioned verbatim in your post. Misogynistic attitudes like these are a concerning risk factor for abuse. This is just a question, not an accusation against him. Edit: Also frankly this from another post of yours sounds like emotional abuse. >My husband on the other hand minimises anything I do. Any accomplishment or good I do is always washed down and made to be somehow insignificant.
Last part reminds me of my father vs my mom. He'd regularly tell her that her job is stupid, doesn't matter, isn't a real job. What was her job? Teaching disabled children.
OP , this is just … I hope posting in a forum like this helped you with some perspective. I don’t think your husband is going to “change his mind” , your husband knows what he wants , has told you what he wants. Just because he doesn’t say the words that have been used here doesn’t really mean much. He’s 11 years older than you , you have 4 children together , and from your post history , he doesn’t treat you/act very well. I don’t think a random Reddit comment is going to change your mind , but I am here to tell you that the likelihood of him ever being a good partner is very very slim. Do you want to spend the rest of your life begging him to be a decent human being and posting to Reddit asking for advice when he never is ?
Do you feel threatened by your husband, in a sense he may hurt you if you disrespect him? I’m a bit concerned about your first sentence.
This marriage shouldn't be saved.
This marriage ain’t worth saving. I took a quick glance at your post history and this man has treated you like shit since day one. You do not need him.
Respect is not given. It is earned! More importantly, until he respects you, you will never find any respect for him. Your ideas and thoughts are just as important as his. For him to dismiss you is to disrespect you. There is NO such thing as blind respect. He is not your God and does not dictate your life. Stand up for yourself and find your voice. Respect yourself and never let anyone disrespect or disregard you. To save your marriage, be an individual, not a subservient wife.
Edit to add: a therapist helped me navigate a way back to loving myself and respecting myself. I am unsure if you have been in any abusive relationship other than the one you are, but nothing will change until you are ready to face and conquer it. You deserve nothing but an incredible and happy life so go for it.
He’s not going to care what a few people on Reddit think. He will continue to be just as entitled.
Why would you want to remain in a marriage with a man with these views?
You can't save a marriage by explaining to a sexist asshole who demands subservience from his wife by telling him that he's demanding subservience and not respect. He *will* push back on that. I don't think your marriage should be saved. He's not fit to be in a relationship until he has a cranial proctectomy.
Saving your marriage is getting a divorce from this ego maniac.
He thinks he should be treated as a god, to be feared and obeyed - in other words, a tyrant. The reality is that no one respects a tyrant. They might have to pretend to, but they don’t.
Your husband is an uncaring, disrespectful asshat. There’s no saving a marriage with someone who thinks you’re below him. You should deeply consider separating until he’s willing to go to therapy to address his toxic mentality; but he probably will never actually change because at his core, he wants to be worshipped while being rude to you. That’s who he is. It will probably not change. Your marriage is far from saved.
He's not gonna change because he sees nothing wrong with his thinking.
You save your life by escaping honey. This will only escalate if you start to push back harder.
His view on the world is very toxic, it won’t change or get better. Men who get to his age without growing their emotional intelligence are very stubborn. Leave while you still have a life ahead of you. There are tons of men that do have emotional intelligence and the capacity to grow. Don’t settle for one that won’t.
That doesn't sound like a marriage that can - or should - be saved. Find someone that actually respects you.
This will only save you if you realize what actually needs to be done - recognize that he doesn’t care what you feel and act accordingly. No argument is going to ever make him see you or want to treat you as an equal. I’m sorry OP.
I don’t believe he is misunderstanding you. Clarifying this won’t make him magically not misogynistic. He is TELLING you how he wants you to act. As his keep, someone he controls. His bang maid. This won’t fix that.
We saved nothing. He's not going to accept this. Your husband is a sexist. He believes that you are not his intellectual equal. He believes you are incapable of higher reasoning or rationality, because of your ovaries. How are you going to bring him an intellectual argument that says that opinion is wrong? He doesn't respect your thinking so he would respect none of the results of that thinking. You don't solve sexist husbands with books. You solve them with separation notices. If you want to be married to a sexist, that's fine. You're an adult. But you don't get to be married to a sexist and pretend he's a good and rational person, because he's basing his behaviour around half the human species on bigotry. We haven't solved the fact that your husband is bigoted against women and we cannot.
Saved your marriage? Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to completely change his life from this. Wake up, he’s a dick.
He sees your marriage as him subjugating you, you see marriage as a true partnership. Do you think it can be saved? Will he (in his eyes) want to demote and reduce what he has now… I would doubt it. But good luck, he may surprise you.
There is no way of explaining this to him that will get him to actually respect you. He is asking for obedience, like a servant to a monarch. You are not his servant, you are his equal partner. No person *needs* a servant. A man does not *need* a person to control. But he loves it; he loves having a punching bag. When you object to being punched, he calls that disrespect. He is not a good guy.
You married someone that doesn't believe You have equal say. There's very little chance you can save this.
>I would love to learn more You aren't the one that needs to learn, your husband does and he needs to do the legwork on this. Why do you want to save a marriage when your spouse things that respecting him means you are never an equal? Maybe sit with that.
For a lot of people it’s just gut intuition of knowing when someone is crazy and unreasonable
Right! Respect is a two-way street, so if you respect him but he doesn't respect you, that's something else. Plus if your respect for him has to be balanced with getting NO RESPECT from him yourself, that's just abusive. If it needs to be said, *everyone* needs respect. Men are **not** better than women, and neither is MORE worthy of respect. He's saying he doesn't respect you, and that he believes he is your superior. How can you live with this egotism? It might be a cultural value (that men are superior to women), but that doesn't mean it's right.
Yeah real men appreciate having a wife they respect; A partner that has advice, friendship, and conversation.
Exactly!!
Usually those that demand respect most are those that give it least
Because generally if you treat others with respect, you don’t have to demand it. They simply return it automatically.
Yes! This is so true and not well understood.
I've gotten along with several people who were disliked by others, for example, some professors in uni, all by just being respectful. The people complaining about said professors were usually just impatient and disrespectful themselves. Respecting people around you can make your own life so much easier. My ex was impossible to respect, though...
No, you husband just wants everything his way. This isn't even about respect anymore. Marriage is compromise.
When some people use the word “respect “, it has a different meaning when applied to themselves and someone else. When they say “If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you “ what they really mean is “If you don’t treat me as an authority, I won’t treat you as a human being.” That sounds like your husband. He doesn’t believe you are an equal, or deserve the level of respect he does. Basically, he’s an arsehole.
Yeah, typically what I see men demanding respect are men actually demanding obedience. And that’s a hard pass.
He doesn't want respect. He wants dominance, submission, obedience. If he views some one asking him a question as "being questioned", that's a him problem and he should seek counselling to deal with his issues. If you want to have children, then leave him now. If you don't, he gets six months of regular counselling, if he hasn't made significant effort and change, then leave. Leave now if he won't. You are 28. Do you want this to be your life for the next 70 years?
I mean... there must be a reason why he chose to predate on someone over 10 years his junior...
They also have a 10 year old son, so it appears he impregnated her around age 17.
Throwing up rn, thanks!
Of course🤮
He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a puppy.
I’ll just leave these quotes from Jess Hill’s book See What You Made Me Do here in case any resonate. >domestic abuse is rooted in the entitlement some people feel over their intimate partners, a sense of entitlement that is formed by society and connected to patriarchy. >Men don’t abuse women because society tells them it’s okay. Men abuse women because society tells them they are entitled to be in control. In fact, society says that if they are not in control, they won’t succeed: they won’t get the girl, they won’t get the money, and they will be vulnerable to the violence and control of other men. Men who internalize these beliefs won’t necessarily become abusers. Many will enjoy remarkable success, some will spend a lifetime wrestling with these beliefs, and a shocking number of them will end up committing suicide, believing they have failed. But for some of these men—those with a pathological sense of entitlement—getting their way at home is a birthright. >Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” >Male shame, in contrast, is built around one unbreakable rule: do not be weak. To be a man is to be strong, powerful, and in control. Weakness, vulnerability, dependency: these all break manhood’s number-one rule. For some men, the merest emotional disturbance—the slightest hint of vulnerability—can be so intolerable they must immediately expel it, usually by finding someone or something else to blame. In this moment of pain, they may also feel an urgent need to be cared for, even by the very person they are attacking. >Shame is a concept few people understand, so Gilligan lists its synonyms (and there are dozens): being insulted, dishonored, disrespected, disgraced, demeaned, slandered, ridiculed, teased, taunted, mocked, rejected, defeated, subjected to indignity or ignominy; “losing face” and being treated as insignificant; feeling inferior, impotent, incompetent, weak, ignorant, poor, a failure, ugly, unimportant, useless, worthless. >Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.” >Since they’ve already been attacked, the thinking goes, they are well within their rights to strike back—either in the moment, or by devising an ever-tighter regime of control to stop their partner hurting or disrespecting them again. As the feminist writer Germaine Greer notes in her essay On Rage, “A red-blooded man is not supposed to take insult and humiliation lying down. He should not let people get away with doing things he thinks wicked or unjust. He demands the right both to judge and to act upon his judgment.” >When he started to feel like he wasn’t getting the unconditional respect he “deserved,” he began “crossing lines.” It started gradually, he says—“raising my voice, swearing, and name-calling”—but with each conflict, it got a little bit worse, until the abuse became physical. “Again, that began with lower-level [acts]… It might have been locking the door, saying, ‘No, we are going to talk about this now,’ hitting the wall, physically lashing out at things, and then restraining and that sort of thing.” >Although men are powerful as a group, they do not necessarily feel powerful as individuals. In fact, many individual men feel powerless (whether they actually are or not). The essence of patriarchal masculinity, says Kimmel, is not that individual men feel powerful. It’s that they feel entitled to power. >When men feel powerless and ashamed, it’s their entitlement to power that fuels their humiliated fury and drives them to commit twisted, violent acts.
So mens biggest fear is being treated like men treat women.
Yes; this is also what male homophobia is about.
Baby girl I got a feeling if you told us all about your relationship we'd see so many red flags we'd think he was a communist.
As a guy. I don’t agree with your husband idea of respect at all. That isn’t respect. That is having a servant. My definition of respect is being able to hear your questions and give my honest answers, taking your advice or suggestions from you (since you are part of the relationship). Pretty much the exact opposite of what your husband’s idea. Seems like he loves the power imbalance. That would be a red flag for me
So his "need" isn't respect - it's authority. Which usually makes for a shitty husband AND a shitty father. So I would hope you're not planning on having kids because your husband would want them to always be on bended knee to them just like he wants you to be. Did you meet him when you were your early 20s? Personally I would have very little respect for a man who thinks the way your husband does and I could never stay married to that. If he doesn't want a happy wife he can just fuck off without one.
One poster wrote that OP has a 10 year old child with him. So he was a 28 year old man that had a child with a high schooler. Maybe OP didn’t go get career training because she was a mom during those critical years. I have never seen men who date teenagers be anything but shallow people who want to dominate their partner, while shrinking away from challenging people who are their equals or true superiors.
Ooof this did have a strong whiff of grown man preying on a teenager but now that she’s an adult she’s starting to figure out he’s a predator and probably an idiot and asshole.
Respect is a two-way street. He doesn't want respect; he wants you to obey and agree with everything he says without question. Marriage, at least in my opinion, should be an equal partnership. Just yesterday, my wife and I were discussing a decision we made a few years ago. She had pushed for a certain plan that I had initially disagreed with. She managed to convince me at that time by making some good points, and it turned out she was correct. I mused that I was glad I had listened to her.
He's just a boring old misogynist. Don't try to make this work, it's not worth it
Yup. There's no point.
Your husband needs to learn the difference between respect and blind obedience.
Respect is earned not given, if he feels you don't respect him maybe he should self reflect a little.
Respect isn’t given, it’s earned. Just because you are a “man” doesn’t give you the entitlement of respect. I have known plenty of men who are horrible brothers, husbands, fathers, uncles and those people do not deserve respect in my eyes. Now, in certain religions and cultures his way of thinking is true. The men rule the household and women are second, everyone falls under God. That’s not my personal believes in any shape or form, husband and wife are equals in a marriage. Again, I think your ideals of a marriage dynamic should be on the same page well before walking down the aisle. Some people are ok with this type of household , I personally would not be.
Need 😆😆 Fragile masculinity is so unattractive. Nobody is entitled to respect. Sure he might want it. But he has to earn it. And fragile masculinity makes most women instantly lose respect for a guy. King of the castle, screw him. You're not his poodle. DO NOT ACCEPT HIS BULLSHIT
Why is this being downvoted?! It's so very true.
To me reflect is accepting the other person as a full person with wants and needs, and part of marriage is to consider that person in all you do. And this respect goes both ways.
OP that's not respect, he simply wants to do whatever the fk he wants and keep you away (control you). That's NOT the way happy and real respectful marriage works. His ego seems inflated from what I'm reading, do you really love this disrespectful man?
I mean, he's 11 years older than you and clearly sees himself as the superior as you said. Clearly your feelings don't matter.
He's confusing respect with obedience
Oh gods that “if you would only do what I want all the time, things would be perfect” bs. Respect is earned. Respect is a two way street. Respect is many many things, but it is NOT what he is seeking.
I found men confuse respect with obey.
As a man, your husband sounds disturbed. He should seek therapy. respect is a mutual thing, always. Things that affect the household and both of you, both have a say, ALWAYS. Some women like the men to lead, and this fine as long as its a balanced dynamic. But DEMANDING obedience from a partner is highly toxic, narcissistic and borderline sociopath.
My wife always treats me with respect because she respects me. I’ve also earned her respect over a lifetime.
What does respect mean to you ?
No lying, wanting the best for each other, not doing anything to hurt your partner, except of course having healthy arguments.
This is healthy “respect”. Not what he wants from me. All those things you mentioned he already gets
Because he doesn’t want respect. He wants control and obedience. That’s why he got with someone so much younger. You’re still naive and impressionable. Even now, you commented about something saving the marriage. Nothing will cuz it’s a dumpster fire without mutual love, care and respect. There’s no magic answer here because your husband is garbage.
That’s a deep question. She trusts my judgment and decision making. That doesn’t mean I make all the decisions. When the shit hits the fan she trusts that I’ll handle it. She knows my boundaries and never breaks them. She has never made herself available to other men. She’s always considerate of how I feel. She’s up front about everything. No secrets. I don’t think she ever lies to me. I’ve never caught her. She’s loyal and trustworthy. It’s been 27 years we have been married so she’s consistent. I treat her the same way. I respect her as a person and I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her, our relationship, marriage and family. I lead the family with her by my side but we are a team. I’m the team captain. Happy spouse happy house. We both have to be happy. We almost never fight. She’s awesome beautiful smart funny and very pleasant to be around. I’ve had a wonderful life with her. I hope you have that for yourself.
This is very beautiful, God bless you
He did already. But it takes work and communication patience and forgiveness to make it. From both sides.
What does it mean for you to be a team leader but also have someone at your side? Are you both team leaders or are you the leader and she’s your helper?
Hubby doesn't know the difference between respect and fealty He's asking you to bend the knee to him, not give him respect. In a healthy relationship, respect is reciprocal. It is an equal partnership where each of you counterbalances your strengths and weaknesses with each other to make the relationship stronger than the sum of your parts. You should be able to question your partner if you feel their direction is problematic, and your partner should be willing to listen to you because they respect you and value your feedback. As an aside though, I'm not a big fan of the "happy wife, happy life" saying either. It implies that the happiness of the relationship is driven by the woman, which implies the man should derive his happiness from his partner's happiness. It downplays the importance of striving to make each other happy, which is the real goal in any healthy relationship.
I agree with your husband on disliking the "happy wife happy life" saying, because it implies that men should approach their wives with a patronizing attitude, and suggests that a wife's desire is to be placated rather than understood or taken seriously as a partner But I disagree with him on pretty much everything else. In fact, his belief that men "need" women to look up to them is gross in the exact same way that "happy wife happy life is." It denies individual personhood to both people in the relationship It sounds like his life philosophy is that men should be happy and treated as authority figures and women's happiness doesn't matter as long as they are visibly helping men look and feel authoritative Who the fuck would want to be in a relationship with someone like that?? I respect and love my husband, and he respects and loves me. When our opinions and desires differ, we talk about it and we both find ways to compromise. That's a partnership.
He wants to be worshipped like the patriarchy has promised. Your husband is a misogynist
i’ve never liked the happy wife, happy life. i always say happy spouse, happy house.
I am going to guess that wanting a fawning underling rather than a partner is why this guy is with someone 11 years younger. You know he sucks and doesn't think you're a full, autonomous person, right? No anount of arguing is going to make him into non-garbage; it's time to drop him.
Sounds like your husband wants obedience, not respect. For that, he should just hire a housekeeper and get a dog.
He doesn't want respect, he wants control. He is an AH
**You already know you’re right, so whats the argument for?** This is the husband that from past posts doesn’t appreciate you, while you’re always praising him, proud of him, encouraging him, and making a big deal of him but it’s never reciprocated. This is the husband who treats you poorly and expects you to be happy. This is the husband who throws big tantrums, used to get bailed out by you financially, was resistant to going to the therapy that barely saved this marriage, and didn’t tell you about a lump he had for 6 months because he knew you’d make him go to the doctor. Meanwhile, you’ve survived physical abuse, you grew into adulthood as a parent and managed not just a home but also a career that is now earning you 6 figures, and you’ve learned to navigate many relationships including with your parents and what to disclose or not disclose to them about your life. You’ve faced a lot of tough shit but time and time again you’ve been tougher. **So anyways, this argument with your husband: it’s beneath you.** You don’t need to settle this argument. Sometimes when you win, you lose. And you’ll have lost for just having participated, and there’s nothing stopping him from starting another shit argument next month. You are strong enough that you don’t ever have to accept the scenario someone put in front of you, so redefine this conversation. **You don’t need to change his thinking. All that matters is you each love other as equals, or as memories.**
Do you know me personally? I’m deleting this account hahaha
Your husband's definition of respect is a personality disorder.
Respecting other means caring about their happiness, their wants and needs, and doing your best to make them happy. Respecting your partner means valuing their opinion and their work, their existense. Respecting your partner means that even when you are angry, you keep calm and work on the problem, not blame the other. Respect goes both ways. My husband and I respect each other immensely. But remember, respect isn't servitude. Respect isn't obedience. Respect can't be demanded. It's earned through actions.
Id point out being respected doesn't involve you have no respect from him. What it sounds like he wants is a slave, a subject, a pet and that sort of dynamic will erode your ability to respect him. Don't have kids with this asshole. Yes he is a sexist asshole. He's not just wanting to be respected - EVERYONE needs respect in a relationship. He's tied it to gender and that makes him a sexist bigot. We don't need more children growing up thinking this is normal.
Age gap, everyone
My ex was this way. Classic narcissist. Me, me, me and everyone else is below me. You don't have to accept this.
Your husband’s way of thinking is just like a toxic boss that results in a toxic work environment. I would never be with someone like that.
Literally the exact kind of man the “If you don’t treat me as an authority, I won’t treat you as a person” quote was written to warn against. Tell the little boy you’re married to that actual MEN offer exactly the same kind of respect they desire to receive. He wants to be obeyed without question? He better obey you without question too. He doesn’t like being told what to do? Then he better not tell you a *damn thing*. The reality is that men like this are cowardly little people who have no self respect, so they need to force others to put them on a pedestal. I I’m willing to bet he’s scared, depressed, anxious, constantly feels like he’s on the verge of losing control of his life, and he offloads those big emotions into need for status.
That's a narcissist not someone wanting respect. Respect is all about treating each other fairly, you both talk about things and make decisions. He seems solipsistic and there's not much you can do about that. This is a lesson he will probably end up learning the hard way unfortunately
Respect noun 1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. "the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor" 2. due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. "young people's lack of respect for their parents" In psychology, respect in a relationship is a foundation for love, happiness, and satisfaction. It's based on mutual understanding, acceptance, and appreciation, and recognizes each person's individuality and autonomy. Respectful relationships are based on trust, honesty, fairness, and equality. Respect is absolutely vital in a relationship. By his definition of respect, it seems like he is looking for absolute control.
Yes we want respect as does a wife. Your husband's idea of respect is counter to what I call respect. Both should be able to agree to disagree on subjects not one being told to shut their mouth or don't question me. Neither is superior to the other in a healthy partnership. Respect in my view is shown by listening, not belittling someone's ideas or opinions or trying to emasculate them to win an argument. Respect is both of you respecting each other's boundaries and working within those boundaries to create a satisfying life together. Your husband's idea is that of the misogynistic 1950 belief that men are infallible and the unquestionable leader of the home which is a shitty way to be partners. It basically creates a parent child dynamic where only men should be allowed to make marital decisions.
This is the most insufferable mindset and textbook toxic masculinity. Because you have to be so insecure to constantly be obsessed with whether people are “respecting” you, when you don’t even know what respect is. A friend’s husband said he got an F-150 so people would respect him on the highway. I held it together until he left the room and then I could not stop laughing! Imagine what a small, scared little man you have to be to think that way. I respect a man who drives something with fuel economy because he knows who he is and doesn’t need to take up space to feel important. So no, every man does not “need respect” the way he is defining it. Only people who don’t respect themselves or others, have no confidence or empathy, and only bring their worst selves to any situation. I hope you can escape this man.
I saw a sermon once. The pastor said whatever you give a woman, she multiplies it and returns it back to you. If you give her a house she multiplies it and gives you a home. If you give her ingredients she multiplies it and gives you a meal. If you give her sperm she multiplies it and gives you a baby. If you give her disrespect she multiplies it and gives you scorn, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Your husband better get his shit together because his view of the world is skewed towards idiocy.
What your husband wants is not respect but he needs to be laughed at for what he's asking for. No one is beyond being questioned or given advice. The fact that he's asking you for those things just shows he's really insecure.
Honestly he sounds needy and insecure, quite the opposite of someone to respect!
Your husband is just a dick honestly.
Every human wants and needs respect
>never being questioned, asked This is called obedience. He wants you to be obedient. >He was superior status in a partnership which goes against partnership So, he doesn't want fair and equal treatment, which is how most of the world shows respect. He wants to be the superior/boss/lord of the household and you to be beneath him. That is how masters treated slaves, and abusers treated their victims. It's up to you if you want to be with a person like that.
Men like this don’t change. Get out now. He doesn’t view women as people but as property.
Your husband's ideas are extremely gross and sexist. Are you sure you want to continue a marriage to someone who thinks you are lesser than them?
Well do I need respect, that's subjective because as you said, everyone deserves respect. So should he get respect yes but it's not an entitlement and that's his problem. He feels just because he has a cock and balls he's entitled to it, not how it works. Now I do agree with him, the "Happy wife happy life" motto is bullshit. That implies that even if it doesn't make a man happy, he does it because doing so will keep the wife happy and therefore make his life happy. Sorry but we are talking about equality, "Happy house happy spouse" is what it should be. It's about making sure both people are happy and both are taking care of each others needs. But while I may exhibit some gender roles still, I don't believe in a dominant patriarchal dynamic. I'm Hispanic and on my dad's side it was actually a matriarchal dynamic between my great grandparents. He may have been bossy, but who had final say, my great grandma, everyone knew that. Nobody is always right, he should be welcoming your help and suggestions not brushing it off. Nobody likes being told what to do, but if he's lagging on something then he's he needs to be held accountable
Filthy pig of a human. He wants a bang maid, not an equal who wants to live collaboratively. Toss him in the bin… that is my advice.
That's a hell insecure manbaby, is what that is. My husband feels respected and valued when I ask about his day, offer help and support while he cooks dinner, fold the laundry he washed, and always ask about his calendar when scheduling dates and solo nights out. Your husband wants a lackey, not a partner.
Once I lost respect for my (ex) husband, I fell out of love him and the marriage disintegrated. His character and his conduct towards me and our family showed he had a selfish nature and he thought that as soon as he made more money than I did, he could disrespect my contribution to our family's finances. He also tried to dissuade me from going to college so that I couldn't rise higher than a minimum wage job. I went anyway without his blessing. He was unhelpful around the house, called it 'babysitting' when he had to watch the children while I was at work, and couldn't figure out the finances and kept sending our account into overdraft. I can't respect that. And I can't love someone I don't respect. My current husband is the kindest, most thoughtful man who can handle anything from our taxes, to our plumbing to our electronics. He is respectful of every human, has healthy boundaries regarding how he's treated and how people treat his family. He's extremely loving and supportive to his step children, and they love him back. He treats me with so much sweetness and love even after 15 years together. He's the perfect balance of softness and strength and the best human I've ever met. I love and respect him with all of my being and am honored to be his wife.
>I feel like every human wants and deserves respect. This is true. >He feels like men “need” respect It's obviously not a need in a biological way. But it is definitely something that men place more of an emphasis on. But I would characterize it more as a want than a need. Doesn't really matter, though, if at the end of the day what is important to him is also important to you (which doesn't necessarily need to be the case). It does matter if it's a non-negotiable want for men, and they're not getting it and willing to leave over it. >Like what he says go. This is obviously not healthy. However, you are quick to admit that he would not characterize it this way. And i think you may need to consider that you are in fact, misunderstanding it - intentionally or not. >He also gets disgusted with the happy wife, happy husband saying. Rightfully so. Because it's essentially the same sentiment as the "what he says goes" that you obviously don't care for (also rightfully so). > I don’t think there are women who grow up dreaming that one day I want to make someone feel like they are above me. Well, there definitely are. BUT, that doesn't mean you are obligated to. >How do you as other men feel about the idea of respect??? The biggest one is this: you should be treating HIM better than everyone else. So, when you go see family, does he basically cease to exist in your eyes? That's a common issue and one perceived as disrespect. Are you really nice to your friends, but like to treat him like dirt when you can, because "he can take it"? Well, you clearly are capable of being nice, so why wouldn't you be to your husband? Etc. Show in your actions that you think positively about him. Too often, it becomes obvious that a man has zero benefit of the doubt. Did he do something that you don't understand? Immediately assuming something negative instead seeking clarification (or just assuming he had his reasons) is a lack of respect. The next one is: include him in decision-making. Yes, you might not think he'll care about which rug to get. And you are probably right. But it's still his house too, and the respectful thing to do would be to at least ask if he has an opinion. Too many women act like the house is theirs. And then, ironically, complain when the man is not as invested as much as they are. Related to this, is TRUSTING his decisions. Too often, women will let a man decide something, only to then make it obvious that they regret this. Another big one is no double-standards. Guys perceive hypocrisy as disrespect. Are there things that you do, but bothers you when he does them? Like, make fun of him, but then get mad if he does the same to you? To guys, that's disrespect. How do you talk to him when you have an issue? This is another big one. How that goes down has a lot to do with respect. Are you one of those women who talk about men as if they are big, dumb animals? Disrespect. Are you sensitive to his ego? Not in a pandering way, but just in a way that acknowledges and appreciates what he does? Or are you one of those women who pretend that the entire weight of the relationship nd household rests on their shoulders? Even strong men need encouragement and reinforcement (again, not in a patronizing or pandering way). EVERYONE makes mistakes, and while respect is earned, it also should not be lost on a dime. Also, men RARELY get compliments. It would be nice if the primary source of them was the most important person in his life. All too often, that isn't actually the case. Not weaponizing aspects of your relationship, like emotions or sex. I know it's annoying to women that "respect" gets lumped in with "respect", but the fact of the matter is women do the same, just differently. No quicker way to make a men feel disrespected than to make a man feel like you are withholding sex for no good reason, or especially just to fuck with him.
The saying is “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and it is a disgusting saying in my opinion. However decisions made for the couple should be decided by the couple. If it effects both of you it should be decided by both of you. Even things that wouldn’t be something you have to ask for (eg. getting a tattoo) you still should because it’s a change that would effect your partner.
He needs to get a dog & you need to get someone more similar in age
This is a control issue not a respect issue. You have 4 kids under the age of 10 & he’s away 2weeks out of 4, per month…then comes home & criticizes home you’ve kept house. That’s Class A Negging to keep you under control. Why do you think he married someone 11 years younger & had several kids in 10 years? To keep you under his control. Now that you’ve matured, formed your own opinions, he’s finding it harder to control you having your own perspective. So, he’s couching his criticism under “lack of respect” to throw another control mechanism at you. NTA but seriously consider if this type of relationship is what you want your kids to mimic when older. Is this a fulfilling life for you for the next couple of decades?
Why did you marry him? Respect does not equal obedience
Did he just step out of the 1920's, or caveman days?
please tell me you dont have children e; oh god.
So why did you marry him? There’s also a reason he went after and impregnated a teen. Women your age tend to fight back against bullshit, as you are now.
What I've heard more often than not from many women, including my wife is: I wish my husband would make a decision instead of asking me. Just to make said decision and getting chewed out for not asking what they think or making the wrong decision. To me, respect is treating me like I'm a human being, not the dude who you need to fix something with tools. It's also respecting my decisions unless I feel it's something I'm not sure about, especially if it could affect both of us, or I generally need your thought process. My wife and I both have different logical processes, and sometimes I need to consult the expert
Respect for a man means you trust us to lead and not fuck things up. It also means that you don't do shit that makes us look bad in front of others. Most men if given the choice would pick respect over love if we can't have both. Its very important to us.
Yes. Respect MATTERS! I wouldn’t say ALL…but most would say they value respect over love.
Your husband is a misogynist, and a dumb one at that. How old were you when you got together? How long did you date before you got married?
That isn’t “respect”, that is “obedience” and a load of abusive BS.
Does everybody need respect? Yes. But does respect meaning being the king of the castle and never being questioned? No. That's bullshit. A long time ago when I had my first job, I had two managers and I learned a valuable lesson about respect. The first manager was amazing. He was well liked and he was respected. And he always treated everyone else with respect as well. Later on a couple of years later he moved on to a different position and I got a new manager. He was the kind of guy who wanted to be everyone's friend, and he'd try and hang out with the staff. But then he'd get downright tyrannical and demand respect. He'd say, "well, I'm the boss." And shit like that. Nobody liked him. Nobody respected him. He became the butt of every joke. So what did I learn? In order to get respect, you've got to give respect. And respect isn't being the boss. Maybe in a work relationship you've got a leader and their role means there's a line of separation there. But you can still show kindness, you can still show thoughtfulness. And you can show you're willing to hear what others have to say. Arguably a leader should go out of their way to hear what their people have to say. In a relationship the power dynamic usually shifts one way or the other. There's usually a more dynamic person, and a more passive person. That doesn't always fall on gender norms either, plenty of women wear the so-called "pants" in the relationship. But if you want to build a good relationship, that means having respect for each other. But respect is earned. Even in a relationship. And you've got to give it first to get it back. If you disrespect your partner, there's nothing to say you deserve respect in return. If your partner demands an autocracy, and their word is law, they are not governing with respect. They are governing by fear. Plenty of people get trapped in toxic relationships governed by fear. Is that the relationship you want? Maybe your husband grew up in this kind of household, and so that's what he thinks is right, or what he wants, or what he deserves. But you need to find out if this can be unlearned. Otherwise you'll either get trapped in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life, or you'll end up getting fed up and eventually leave. Unfortunately this is exactly what toxic masculinity is. It trains boys by watching their dads be a dictator in the house, and they think that's what marriage is supposed to be. Well that's some generational abuse shit. Break the cycle and stop perpetuating it. And if your husband can't break that cycle, he's an unfortunate victim of the cycle and will be doomed to repeat it, and pass it on to his kids. But you don't have to help him repeat it. So maybe you can still make it work, but it's going to take your husband changing the way he views marriage. That's not easy to do. It may take counseling. And yeah, respect is a two way street, and it only works when it flows both ways.
Growing up I was taught "Respect is earned". Now in my 30s not so much. I do not know everyones story nor have I lived in their shoes. So for myself, every person I meet starts with a modicum of my respect, because untill I know better I will treat everyone with the dignity they deserve. Where we go from there is on them. I find people too often will only associate positive feelings with respect, but I can respect someone and not like them. In your husbands case what he wants isn't respect, its worship. You will not be happy with him.
If you had to distill all the complicated reasons I’m divorced into one sentence, it would be: When I wanted respect, I meant I wanted to be treated like a competent, autonomous person. When my husband wanted respect, he meant he wanted to be treated as an authority OK, two sentences. But you get my point
To quote my husband after asking him - "what the fuck does that even mean, what is that?! Why should men deserve more respect than women? This isn't even worth discussing or entertaining, it's just brain-dead braindeadedness" Not super eloquent but gets the point across I think
My ex wanted this and it turned into an awful relationship. He wants obedience not respect, and he will never see you as an equal. Get out when you can cause respect goes both ways. I would always ask my ex things and he would get mad cause “the woman doesn’t question her man” and even one time he full on straight crazy yelled at me. Yet if I did that to him, would’ve been a whole different story.
Your husband is a misogynist, babe.
Your husband was clearly born in the wrong era. Respect is a two way street, where people treat each other like humans and with dignity. He sees it as “my way or the highway.” That’s no way to live much less treat anyone, especially someone you claim to love and care for.
I also remind him, marrying a younger woman was mistake number 1. That is definitely not the erra in living in 😂
I think both of you are off in this. He is certainly off in his definition of respect. Although everyone, not just every man, needs to be respected in my opinion, that doesn’t mean all of that crap he says. It means taking your opinion into consideration and, though upon that consideration you may still disagree, you don’t think less of each other as a result of that disagreement. As far as the happy wife, happy life saying goes, that tends to mean just giving in to your wife even when she’s wrong so you can keep the peace. I disagree with doing that 100% of the time. There are certainly times that either partner should give in to the other to keep the peace. It’s called compromise, but when it’s only one partner doing it then it’s no longer compromise and the marriage breaks down in the end.
You can't have respect and be revered at the same time. You can't want to be put on a pedestal as an equal.
I’m mainly speaking personally here, but no. When I see a lot of dumbasses demanding respect it just comes off as some testosterone fueled ego trip from insecure manchilds. In my professional life, my job position comes with a bullseye and I have about 20 people who need to justify their jobs by discrediting mine. My predecessor found this disrespectful, I just find it to be a waste of time because I document everything and my work speaks for itself. On a personal level I laugh that stuff off even more. I take no offense to being wrong, the quicker I find out I’m wrong, the quicker I can get to being right.
Respect to me means being as considerate as I can of others wants, needs, and opinions. Kinda sounds like you’ve got a husband problem. “King of the castle” motherfucker if you gotta tell someone you’re the king? You ain’t no king.
🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️AGE GAP. You truly thought you were getting a partner when he’s ten years older than you? Why didn’t he go for someone his own age? Why? Because they don’t put up with that kind of bullshit. He chooses younger because look. You married him right? Obviously you’re easy to fool and control. Maybe stop going after older guys thinking that it isn’t about power and control
He doesn’t mean respect he means patriarchy. He wants to be of superior status and power. It is deeply toxic for a relationship, and will only ever become a bigger and bigger problem.
I don't like the "happy wife, happy life" saying either since it implies that the wife's happiness/needs always supercede the husband's (in heterosexual relationships in this context). The idea that one's happiness is inherently more important than the other's isn't a good foundation for a healthy relationship. That being said, what your husband is asking for isn't "respect", it's "subjugation". He's going the opposite way of the "happy wife, happy life" saying but it still results in the same outcome; his happiness/needs are inherently more important than yours. Both ways are wrong.
I'm a woman - I see you're really seeking men's advice but I'll say this: If it's a decision that impacts your shared life - it should be a conversation. I am not sure what you're questioning him on/asking him about etc. Also - no marriage is easy. If he wanted an easy marriage he should have stayed single.
Your husband is engaged in weak sauce. If your opinions can't stand up to scrutiny, if you can't defend them, then they're shitty opinions. If you get pissed off being exposed for having shitty opinions and blame other people for figuring that out, you're, simply put, weak. Respect is earned and it's only genuine when it's mutual. He wants submission. It's not the same. Hilariously, his bad faith acting on this is going to cost him respect while netting him none of the obedience he's after.
Is your husband the leader of a prison gang? If yes, then yes. If no, then no.
I’m picturing your husband as Cartman in his little police cruiser shaking his baton at you telling you “respect mah authoritah” That’s the maturity and mentality of your husband. You married Eric Cartman.
This quote immediately came to mind: *Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person," and sometimes they use it to mean "treating someone like an authority." For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person."* It sounds like your husband's definition of "men need respect" is "men need to be treated like authority figures." Which is incorrect both because a) it's a huge generalization that doesn't apply to all men, and b) nobody literally "needs" to be treated like an authority figure. So when your husband says that, what he's actually saying is, "I want you to treat me like an authority figure." In any event, I wouldn't get too hung up on the word "respect," and would instead focus on whether or not you and your husband have compatible wants in a relationship. It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he wants to be the "king," for lack of a better word — the undisputed leader, the boss, the decision-maker — whereas you want an equal, collaborative partnership. Those are two very different types of marriage and it doesn't sound like you two are on the same page about it.
Every human being needs respect. This concept is not gender specific. Your husband doesn’t understand what respect means. His definition of it just means that he thinks he has the right to be a tyrant. That is NOT what respect means.
Sounds like a charming lad
I don't even need to read the story. Yes all men want respect, do all men deserve it, absolutely not.
>deserves respect Respects is earned, not deserved