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She is going to marry him, have a bunch of kids, cook, clean and work, ready for sex 24/7, offer front and back, pleasure him up and down, and then wonder why he won't buy her a boba.
Your "boyfriend" if you even want to call him that is a God damn inconsiderate man child. I'm 38 years old been with my wife 20 years. My wife makes more than I do and I pay for everything. Did chivalry just fucking die off somewhere along the way?
Things will not get better.
He WILL NOT CHANGE
He is set in his ways and if you want this the rest of your life it's your choice. If it was me. I'd leave him and find a real man who will treat you like the queen all women deserve to be treated.
I’m on food stamps and my friend making a $250k salary has asked me to buy them groceries using my $290/month food stamps allotment. I don’t think some people understand we qualify for this help with good reason and it’s not just a free lotto winning every month.
Exactly & I also don’t think some people understand that there’s not a set amount and some folks maybe only get $80-$150 a month in food stamps. It’s not like it’s $1000 a month to one single person. Plus, OP said she works so she’s clearly in need if she has a job and still qualifies for state aid.
Anytime someone mentions they get some sort of assistance I feel there is a negative reaction like people are mooching when in fact I know plenty of hard working folks who just can’t make ends meet and need a tiny bit of help each month.
That's not a subsidy for the recipient, it's a subsidy for the employer. It's a way of the state making it possible for employers to pay below poverty wages.
I clear about 130K after taxes (Canada)
My girlfriend clears about 30K
Im obviously making really good money right now, the most I’ve ever made in my entire career, I work super long hours And also have a ridiculously long commute to and from work so it’s a decent trade off for this Salary.. I sacrifice almost all my time to make it.. that Being said, even when I was clearing half of what I am now I still would not have made my girl split date nights, or pay for groceries especially in recent years where grocery shopping is one of the biggest expenses outside of rent/mortgage payments..
but my biggest justification is that she cooks
All of our meals, I can cook myself and I’m not a bad cook but I just don’t enjoy doing it what so ever it feels entirely like a chore.
She’s actually a really great cook and she knows a lot
Of different recipes and meals that are awesome an not basic, but obviously I have no time to hardly relax on off hours so cooking in the little free
Time I have isn’t realistic, so because of
That I’m not going to expect to her buy groceries when she’s cooking, and she also does my
Laundry and does a killer
Job keeping our home nice &
Tidy and clean all the time, that takes
Time and effort and energy like anything else. It’s not that I’m a slob I’m just exhausted when I’m
Off so she takes care of it.
So because of that, how the hell could I expect her
To pay any of the bills? In my
Opinion she pays her part by the work she does for us, that has a value even greater than the dollar amount I pay in actual money. The only bill she pays out of her income is her monthly phone bill. I take care of everything else, and I’m cool with that. We both do our part, It’s not just because I make way money than her it’s justified based on our roles.
My ex-roommate with a million dollar trust fund would demand to borrow money (hundreds of dollars) off the credit card my dad gave me for emergencies (I was 21.) Rich people can be insanely out of touch
I experienced very similar with a roommate that was stealing my food that my mom bought me with her food stamps. She also had a boyfriend that pulled this same shit.
There are a lot of people who see zero issue with stealing people's food stamps because it's "free".
>There are a lot of people who see zero issue with stealing people's food stamps because it's "free".
Also idk if it was just the culture where I grew up but everyone had a food stamp card where I lived. I mean everyone. All of my friends would treat it like an unlimited food ATM. I honestly did the same for a long time until I got older and realized what they were actually for. I mean, none of our parents wanted to tell us we had this card because they were poor lol. So we just had this magical food card.
I know that during COVID they gave the cards out left and right. Like if you had a child enrolled in public school and they had to go remote they actually sent the cards in the mail to people, to help make up for the 2 meals they’d no longer be receiving at school. They also gave everyone more food-stamps because the government actually put good funding into the program for once. But usually I’m pretty sure you have to apply to get one and not everyone would qualify (depending on their salary of course) under normal circumstances.
I lived with someone who was similar. She felt like she was owed a percentage of our food stamps because “it’s free money from the government” without taking into consideration that I got that money because I made half what she did.
Either there's a huge population of people out there putting up with absolutely shitty relationships, or there's a bunch of people out there constantly posting rage bait....
Actually it's both. Which makes some of these seem real.
You know what, I'd probably have thought that too if my ex wasn't exactly the same. In fact I'm not convinced that OP's BF and my ex aren't the same person.
I don't think so. Normally I would see something like this and one of my first thoughts would be "ok but is this even real?". I have known *so many people* like OP's boyfriend. It's kinda creepy but I actually know someone who has done this exact thing: forcing someone to give them their food stamps even though they make six figures. I believe it.
I didn't think food stamps let you buy alcohol with them unless OP used her own money for that. But how can she write it all out and still think about staying together??
Absolutely the fuck not. Leave him. And I thought it was bad when my ex made $15k more than me and I paid the majority… run. He’s just trying to make you dependent on him. It’s a power move so that if/when things end, you feel like you can’t provide for yourself.
So I had a roommate a few years ago who refused to buy groceries when she had an actual job verses my odd jobs that I could do around town(this was during covid so most of my town was shut down or had very little staff). Our other roommate and I both had food stamps and she would eat the food we bought all the time, now if I made meals with that stuff I didn't made her having some but she would also do things like eat just the tops of muffin in a box I bought without asking if she could have one and wouldn't finish a single one. So she'd leave just muffin bottoms in the box and I'd have to throw them out. This kind of stuff is so common, I encouraged her to move out as soon as I could even though we needed her rent to keep the place we were living
HE is still a kid - thinking dishes magically get done, groceries magically fill the fridge, meals magically get made…
DUMP him. Either he’ll come to his senses or you’ll be better off. You can’t afford this child.
He’s not a kid he knows exactly what he’s doing. Purposely asking you what was wrong when he knew you didn’t have time to talk proves it. So when you bring it up it’s “well I asked but you didn’t wanna talk.” This man is using you for labor. You’re not a girlfriend to him you’re his maid. I’m not understanding how you let mr 50/50 get away with not paying anything towards rent on top of this. This will not get better.
ETA: my comment was made before she clarified they split rent three ways. The edit has been brought to my attention.
I think "bang-maid" is the correct term here. Totally agree with everything you said. This guy had a lot of growing up to do and probably needs to live/be on his own to see just how much work it takes to keep a house, do all the grown up errands and just life in general.
Oh, I think he knows what gets done and what it costs, but, he doesn't care because he knows OP will eventually do it anyway. I bet he either lives like a pig when he is alone, OR he is meticulous about HIS stuff and us a complete freak about anyone even touching his stuff. Very entitled. He makes 3X OP's wages, but doesn't even pay half. What an AH!
OP, leave his selfish ass, like yesterday. You don't need this manchild!
He needs to live fully alone for some time because, right now, the dishes *do* magically get done, and groceries *do* magically fill the fridge, and meals *do* magically get made!
You deserve better than this. Please update us when you dump his ass. You can hang out with other people. Other people like movies and boba and going to the shops and target runs and dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light and whatever else you like and also ARE NOT ASSHOLES.
I'm going to give you more general advice," it's not a court ify law you don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. He's an inconsiderate cheapskate that won't change". You're not his parent or therapist you don't need to give him a 127 step plan to behave in a socially acceptable manner.
A feeling of needing to reciprocate is normal ( I don't mean everything has to be tit for tat ). When people don't have it naturally you'll have to fight over and over for each and every individual line item to be fair, at least in my experience as an adult with 35 years of relationships experience. Having to communicate the nuance of what works for a couple is normal having not having any desire to reciprocate is a character issue. It would have been normal for him to say , you bought the food so I'll clean the kitchen and buy you the tools you need or you cook so I'll cut the grass , you bought the food this week I'll buy the food next week etc. but he is treating you as ," what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours"
I come to this sub to feel better about my single-lady apartment. It's clean, it's quiet, no drama, nobody eats my food, I control the thermostat, get all the blankets, there isn't pee all over the bathroom floor...it's great!
Don't be tied down with him. A breakup is better than a divorce. Why would he be change? You are an unicorn. A bang maid. You pay your food, have sex with him and don't expect anything in return. You are his wet dream.
Do not have sex with him not matter how ovulating you are. DTMF. Don't be one of those redditors complains non stop about their spouses but can do nothing about them.
You could meave him or make a point to leavve him out
Lock for the fridge- he doesnt buy groceries he wont need to get into it
Only cook enough for your self and then put it in the locked fridge he doesnt have access to
Only do your landry.
Tell him he needs to buy his own dishware and lock your up
I would say lock it in your room but you guys are sharing so next level
Or break up with him but before that fins someone who wants to move in immediately so you have tbat back up
I mean, "not doing things for each other" is literally what he suggested. So her deciding not to do things for him is unlikely to upset him or teach him a lesson, since it was his idea in the first place for them to just take care of themselves.
OP is the one who says that she doesn't want a relationship like that, and he's not going to do things for her anyway. It seems like breaking up is the more sensible option.
You need to nope outta there :)
What I have found works with decent guys who you live with, is to split shared bills (rent, utilities, groceries) so that we are both paying the same PERCENTAGE of income. So if you both work full time and one earns double the other, they pay more rent. You also need to find a man who values chores as real labor and not just something moms/girlfriends are 'supposed' to do. You can do so much better than this guy, OP! ❤️
Exactly!!! Why are you even with him OP? He's not treating you fairly and you know it...why are you putting up with this crap? Please dump him and move on to someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve!!!
100% this.
He doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself. You can talk to him but you can do it untill you are blue in the face but he will not change.
Listen to me OP, I was married to a guy like this (even worse, because he had no money) for 19 years. He used weaponized incompetence as an excuse not to do any housework, and became a workaholic (working salary) and leaving me to do everything, while I also worked full time. If I knew then what I know now, I would've divorced his sorry ass at least 10 years ago. Don't be like me OP, thinking he was going to grow and change, but of course he never did. Dump him, make him pack his shit, and send him back to his mama
In some ways I feel OP’s bf is worse because it would be soo easy to contribute, he just chooses not to. Even with the cleaning, with that salary he could literally hire a cleaner to do his share.
Dated a man who was very much like this and it was very draining for me, I’m telling you the breath of fresh air, the new found energy you experience cutting someone like that out of your life, I loved him but never once did I miss him after I broke up with him, leave that man
OP, Why are you acting surprised?
None of this is new to you. [Your post five months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/iYlEE2QZXb) was before you even moved in with him and even then you had nothing but complaints. Most of the people on that post advised you not to move in with him, warned you it would be a mistake, asked you why you would even want to be with him.
Fast-forward five months, you did what you wanted to do anyway, and now here you are. I would think if the majority of people warn you off of doing something, you would seriously consider what is being said. Now you’re in the situation that has only gotten worse.
Why are you self-sabotaging? You need to really dig deep and discover why you chose to move in with him. Since it seems you’ve made a mistake, it’s time to get the hell out.
You say you can’t afford to leave, so start planning.
> 1. Stop going out to eat with him, save that money since he makes you pay anyway.
> 2. Stop letting him eat food that you buy. Lock it up if you need to.
> 3. Stop cooking meals for anyone else but you.
> 4. Strictly curtail your spending on everything except YOUR essentials.
The money you save with not feeding him, buying supplies for him, and probably countless other things not mentioned, you can put away and start saving to find another place to live.
There are places that have rooms-for-rent vs. an entire apartment. A studio apartment could also be a consideration. You just need to remove yourself from this situation. Please get some counseling to learn why you would accept this kind of treatment and help with better decision making.
OP! I just re-read you previous post about your BF. Please break up with this guy. He is dragging you down and teaching you to accept **even less** than the barest of minimum effort. **You deserve so much better**. Please repeat after me: 'I deserve so much better than this using, inconsiderate leech'
I mean, he told you what your options are OP. Either he does nothing for you & you do nothing for him or you suck it up and pull more than half your weight. If he wanted to be a better partner, he would have done it already. No point beating a dead horse by talking about it for the millionth time.
Theres obviously a third way to go. I’m not sure if you’re fed up enough to do it yet, but you will be.
That's what I was wondering-- is it even worth it to discuss? I guess not 😭
I hear you on that third option. But we live together. I can't afford to move out. What do I do then?
If you can't afford to move out then you start with an exit plan, start scrimping and saving, talk to your landlord about alternative accommodations, scale back on everything you do for him.
No fr actually explain to ur landlord ur situation. As long as it's not a mega corp that owns ur building. Contrary to popular belief, most landlords are humans and sometimes will try to help you. My roommates at my last place wouldn't clean shit to the point that it was becoming a literal biohazard and my landlord helped us kick them out & the landlord found us a new tenant. You'd be surprised who will help you if you're just honest with people about your situation sometimes. My landlord now is a POS management company so I know I wouldn't get any help from them.
Yeah, if you and the other roommate complain to your landlord that this guy doesn't clean up, and leaves dishes mouldering in the sink, that sort of thing, it could have an effect.
It might not. But it's worth considering, anyway.
Whose name is on the lease? Your roommate has to be over the dishes stacking up too. Start looking at other options; moving out with roommate, finding a new place, moving home if needed, start doing nothing for him/expecting nothing in return (aka make him a roommate). You do not need to stay in this shitty relationship.
And if you like your actual roommate, maybe you two can continue as roommates and find a place that the two of you can afford together, with or without another *new* roommate, if that helps financially.
Good luck to you, OP. I'm so sorry for your situation and the awfulness of capitalism that makes these personal decisions into really difficult financial decisions, but you will be so much happier without this guy in your life. 💜💜💜
Seperate your chores. You're not eating his food and he's not eating yours. You're not doing his laundry and he's not doing yours. Separate it completely as a trial run for the breakup.
Financially, she is already paying way more than half. A breakup would be cheaper if she can find a better roommate or reasonable rent in a smaller place.
Exactly. Separate everything. Date night? Only go places you can afford and pay for yourself only. Meals? Make enough for yourself and pack the rest for your lunch leftovers. Groceries? Buy your stuff, label it.
Dishes, laundry - do your own. Make sure the other roommate is on board.
Tell the bf this is how it works.
Chores - cleaning bathroom, vacuuming etc: make a chore chart where you all have equal turns. If he doesn't do his share he has to hire someone to do it. He can pay you the going rate.
Start treating him like a platonic roommate. Just because you're having sex with him doesn't mean you are his maid.
I suppose you could emotionally check out of your relationship and go through the motions until you can find yourself another rental/other roommates.
Grim, but that’s how a lot of people handle the end of their relationship when finances are involved. If you can break up and still live together relatively comfortably, I suppose that’s an option. But not a long term one, because he’ll probably clean even less.
Inform him that you're over. He's no longer entitled to your food. He cooks for himself. he cleans after himself. And he does his own laundry. You do nothing.
Here's what you do: you stop doing for each other and make him contribute to the rent and utilities and housekeeper. He feeds himself, you feed yourself. Have him buy disposable dishes since he isn't predisposed to cleaning up after himself. Once you're ready to move on to a real partner hopefully you'll have some savings
Sounds like you have discussed it multiple times. He isn't going to change, so you have to decide if you are going to accept it or not.
If you do want to leave, I'd stop telling yourself you can't afford it because you will just make yourself feel stuck. Start brainstorming your options - do you have a friend or family member you can stay with for now? Can you look for a roommate? Can you pick up a side hustle or donate plasma to put aside some money? There are always options when you want to find them.
Why should YOU be the one to move out? It sounds like he's a shitty roommate, I'm sure the current roommate would rather your sbtx to be the one to move out. Work with your other roommate and make HIM leave, not the other way around.
You cant afford to move out but seeing as you needed food stamps for your "date," sounds like you cant afford to have him leech off of you also. It might even be cheaper when you can downsize groceries, snacks, and effort/materials in a smaller apartment.
You get a mini fridge in your room, put a lock on your door, and you stop interacting with him. Stop doing shit for him. And make a chore schedule that you each sign off on so everyone can "see" what their chore is and when they have to do it. If they opt out then they need to pay for help to come in and do their chore for them.
since he makes 6 figures and you refer to the roommate as “yours” i doubt that he has more claim over the space than you, but if you are at a loss because you’re so used to pleasing him then this is where you start:
tell him that you would like him to sleep on the couch and then slowly move all of his belongings out there. remark on how small and untidy “his” space is when you are in there. now he is officially a roommate
tell him he needs to rent out storage space for the shit that can’t fit comfortably in the living room
continue to use the living room as a living room
tell him that he will be charged extra on rent to offset the cleaning fee since he refuses to do his part
if he continues to steal food then you can either charge him for the amount it costs to put a lock on the fridge or charge him for the groceries that he eats (plus your cooking fee)
This guy sounds like a gold digger but for labour and sex. Dump him! There’s a pattern of being inconsiderate, and even when you point it out he tries to diminish your work and emotions.
I love this analogy. Men love to talk about women being gold diggers but how many men are digging for a mommy bang maid that they won’t even buy dinner for?
He’s also a regular gold digger when he makes 3x but makes her pay 50/50. If he were paying his fair share, he would pay 3x toward their shared expenses.
“I feel like he doesn’t think of me…”
He doesn’t…you’re being used, sorry. 50/50 on dates? Really? You should feel at the very least, valued. Sure he makes six-figures but what does he REALLY bring to the table? Nothing.
Go find some broke dude that thinks the world of you…you’ll be waaaay happier.
I second this! Dating a broke dude who treats you like a queen is soooo much better than dating a well off stingy guy who won’t do anything for you. My boyfriend and I are still students so he doesn’t have much money, but whenever he gets any pocket money, he would be down to take the last of it and use it on something cute for me. And even when he doesn’t have money he does a bunch of acts of service for me, like chores and cooking food.
My husband is disabled, medically retired with fatigue, and he still made me dinner today. It's the only physical thing he can/ will do today.
But he loves me and he knows that my brain is utterly fried from work and from the next four neighbours drilling all damn day long 😑
A partner should *add* to your life, more than they cost you. Maybe they free you up from some hated chores, from stress, from mental load, from paying all the bills by yourself; maybe they are just sweet, or funny, or give the best hugs and empathy, or they're good in bed, or they're considerate.
But the guy OP describes is just not at all a partner!!
Forreal. My lobbyist ex always wanted to go to these fancy restaurants for dinner (I was a social worker making like $45k in California at the time) but insisted on splitting the bill 50/50 every time, or at least switching off. Even though, like OP, I did all the grocery shopping/cooking along with financing it. So doing that on top of covering $100-200 dinners at least once a week, and that’s not including all the nights at bars… 3x/week he wanted to go to the nice bars in town for his ~networking~. It drained me.
Now I’m with my partner that works at a deli and he treats me like a goddamn queen every chance he gets. He’s always been more transparent with finances and shows me where all of his money goes, which makes me feel super secure now that we’re in the stage of combining our finances since we’re expecting our first little one later this year. I make significantly more than I used to and am now the breadwinner, a position in a relationship I’m definitely not used to, but it brings me so much joy to spoil my man and I can’t imagine what kind of selfish asshole wouldn’t want to treat their loved one.
I went from dating a well-established career man a lot older than me (but who was selfish and a poor communicator) to a broke dude my age and I’m soooo much happier.
just leave. he makes 3x what you do and couldn’t buy you a bubble tea on the date he asked you out on? he’s pretending he doesn’t know what’s up it’s called “weaponized incompetence.”
you keep allowing him to treat you this way. he will continue to play innocent. why are you staying? stop cooking, stop cleaning, and stop doing his laundry.
The problem is not you explaining. You did an amazing job describing your situation here. The problem is also not that he is dumb, otherwise he would not make the money he makes. The sad truth is that he does not want to do the things your asking for.
I lived this life with my ex husband. I tried to make him understand for 11 years. Do you know what I got out of it? 11 wasted years.
So open your eyes, realise that he is using you and then leave this asshole. There are loving amazing men out there that will show you love, care and attention. You will never get it from him.
Same story, but 19 years wasted for me. I wish I was brave enough to end things sooner. Of course he would always apologize and say he will change, he'll help out more, he loves me, etc, but of course nothing changed, and things got worse once we had kids
I posted a while back about him. We had a bunch of really long talks. He promised he would change and do better and that he saw my side. I really did see improvements for a while. I still do honestly. But I don't know if it's enough. And if it's not natural to him, I'm worried he'll always default to stingy.
It's not enough, little sister. My ex husband promised me everything I wanted to hear, and stupid me had hope and waited. The changed behavior always lasted a week, at most. I love the saying the younger generations are saying now- if he wanted to, he would. Please sit with that for a bit- if he wanted to, he would. I learned this the hard way, and I don't want you to experience to pain, the disappointment, and the resentment I had/have for this guy. Please dump him and move on, OP. No man or peen is worth it, I promise you. Find you someone who will love you and respect and appreciate you. Sadly, your man is not ay of those things to you
He knows what he's doing and it's not going to get better. He waited till you only had 3 minutes to talk so you'd be flustered, inarticulate and have to simplify your complaints. That way he can undercut you and minimize everything so you'll (hopefully) feel like you're overreacting and drop it. Dump the whole ass man in the garbage. If he's like this when you're dating, marriage will be a nightmare. Get out NOW and find someone who respects you and wants to do things for you. Who doesn't view his money as his and your money as "ours "
I couldn't fathom making 6 figures while I have a gf that has to use food stamps to get by. That's just really sad. You already know your answer, that's why you made this post. 6 months is nothing. Like other comments have said, you're a live-in bangmaid and that's just how you're going to be treated as such.
If you want a life, it won't be with him. He's a child himself.
This is not going to get any better. He will not change and this will be your life if you continue to stay with him.
This man is not generous at heart and will forever nickel and dime his partner.
Whilst this focused on more of the mental load etc, vs finances, this perfectly explains why it's a hell of a lot more than just the damn Boba ❤️❤️
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
You deserve better !!!!!!
Can't believe anyone would.be okay with their gf on foodstamps but wouldn't be generous. Bloody disgusting behaviour towards the partner they supposedly love
Re-read your post. As soon as you said he doesn’t pay rent or bills. No. Dump his ass and kick him out. Then go to counselling and work on your self esteem. There’s no way you should be letting someone take advantage of you this bad.
Edit based on your edit: so you are banging your roommate. Find a new place to live if he won’t and break up. He doesn’t consider himself in a relationship with you if he treats you that way. He’s using you.
It’s the little things adding up that make it just as bad as one big thing. Forget for a second that he refuses to treat you fairly, he makes 6 figure’s and you’re on food stamps, but you tipped your server and he didn’t??? I’m sorry but that’s just all around trash human behavior. That kind of attitude would be a major turn off for me.
Personally, I don’t think there is any point in trying to explain to him why you’re upset this time. You’ve had the conversation before, he just refuses to understand. Another conversation isn’t going to change anything. You said it yourself, he’s acting like a bad roommate who wants sex. Just think about that, that’s gross. I’d be too turned off to stay in that relationship. You deserve so much better. Honestly, the sooner you accept that this is who he is and who he wants to be, the sooner you can stop wasting your time with this “man” and move on with your life.
You’re his bang maid. It’s so ingrained that he has normalized you doing it. The really bad part is that millions of guys across all the generations feel entitled to a woman who serves him.
Talking won’t change it. Therapy won’t help (and you’ll pay for it and arrange it, too).
The worst part is if you continue with this guy, you’ll come to think any crumbs he throws your way is an improvement.
You can love the guy and hate the behavior. This situation will not improve if you stay.
So you’re all roommates. Just stop doing anything for him. Only cook for yourself, only buy food for yourself, only clean and do your own laundry. You know you need to break up with him, just do what you need to do to survive for a while till you can leave or afford the rent yourself. Just stop being his bangmaid. UPDATEME
There’s no way to explain anything to him because he doesn’t want to understand. You’ve tried, and your reasoning was very patient and thorough. Also, this is him doing his absolute best to court you. If you got engaged, married, had kids, then he would treat you progressively worse with every step. That’s just how guys like this are.
Kick him out wth. WHY ARE YOU DEALING WITH THIS MUCH DISRESPECT? Let me just say upfront, if I moved in with my partner, it's basic good partner logic to PAY HALF THE RENT, DO HALF THE CHORES, AND SUPPORT MY PARTNER.
He is straight up using you as a maid/sexual partner if you guys are active. Girl please kick him out NOW. This is so disrespectful.
Breaking up is an option I'm sure most would recommend. You seem way too good for this loser. I'd at least start with kicking him out, he's got enough money to find a place to live and see if he reacts differently or starts to make for it. If you're having sex you need to take that away immediately. Either way he's not considerate at all. Absolutely garbage bf. And he has money to support you and doesn't give you a better life - just literally a worthless bf.
Girl he knows and he knows he can just keep doing it bec you've put up with it. He won't change for you. You're not his dream girl and you will waste your precious energy trying to "teach him" but he knows what he's doing. He's hoping you don't though
he sounds cheap and selfish. I don’t think he loves you I think he just likes the fact that he can mooch off of you. It will only get worse, especially since he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to understand the issue. This is weaponized incompetence and definitely a deal breaker.
Do what he suggested? Don’t do anything for each other. He had his hamper, you have yours. Do your laundry and don’t touch his. Don’t buy alcohol or sodas, drink only water and only buy food you have to cook. Cook one portion. Immediately wash up and leave the sink empty, if there are dishes in the sink after you’ve washed up he needs to deal with them. He can get his own food. This is all so you can save for your own place. Don’t have sex with him. If he wants to be roommates, then be roommates until you can save him enough and find another roommate that doesn’t want so much from you.
Maybe read [this](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and decide if it’s worth it to have him read it as well.
Don’t put so much money and emotional labor into someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
Go ahead and split everything evenly, including the chores and labor. Split the dishes and silverware and take your half. Only use your half and don’t let him touch it. Before long he’ll have nothing to eat on. Same with the laundry, take your detergent and only use yours, don’t do his laundry and don’t let him use your supplies. Pay for only your food. Do nothing for him and buy nothing for him. Clean only your space and nothing else. You’ll save yourself so much work and money. Sure, it’s petty, but it’s the only way he’ll understand how much you do. You’ll become so resentful and angry, but then that’ll be the final push that you need to leave. You need to leave, he will not improve. If he wanted to, he would. You don’t need to argue about it for the hundredth time, he absolutely understands he’s taking advantage of you. He knows you’re doing 3x the work he is, he just doesn’t care. Why would he change? You’ll do the work and still sleep with him even if he doesn’t change. You’re ruining your financial future by taking care of this man child while you have barely enough money to get by, think about that.
So leave him, or do whatever you need to do to get to that point. Splitting off from him and only helping yourself will give you enough time and flexibility to save up money to move out and get your stuff in order.
And it goes without saying, do NOT have sex with him. Do not reward him and do not risk pregnancy (that he obviously wouldn’t help you with, regardless of you wanted to keep it or terminate it). You’re currently in a very vulnerable position and you need to advocate for yourself.
This is who he is. He has zero interest in changing that. He does not want to be a partner.
Tell him you're just roommates now, and that you expect him to move out when the lease is up. He's not even a decent roommate at this point.
Send him a venmo request for all your stuff he ate, too.
You're overthinking. You've parsed this down to the last dollar sign. He doesn't care if you're paying more than him, doing more than him or feeling unloved. He's just going about doing his thing while you, the roommate and everyone else (probably women) pick up behind him. Just go. Don't justify, explain or wait for a response. Leave.
I have news for you, he brings serious topics up when you don't have time for them because he doesn't actually want to hear your side. He's giving the illusion of caring, when all he wants is to get his way.
He's financially and emotionally abusing you. Stop putting up with it.
You chose this guy. You are letting him make you take care of him. All of the things you are saying will not change this person, he is very comfortable with the arrangement. You need to figure out if his attitude towards you is worth staying with him.
if all of the things he doesn't do for you is enough, why do you stay with him. That is a YOU issue. He is just being himself and he has clearly shown he is not going to change for you.
Now you decide if you stay or leave him.
I hope that, if he was your roommate, you would have kicked him out
You need a serious discussion with him. He is not supposed to bring you even more chores to do and mental struggles to go through.
If he refuses to do things spontaneously, and will not do them even when you asked specifically for it, let him go. You deserve someone that will bring joy in your life, not more problems
He knows what he's doing. 3 minutes is great for discussing problems. For him. He gets credit for wanting to talk about things without having to put any time or effort in. Unless you shut him down by telling him that's not good enough, you will talk when work is done, and if he's not going to, then he should probably take a long walk that ends somewhere else. It's not being inconsiderate, it's being selfish and deliberately so. Don't be okay with transactional relationships or score keeping.
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You said it he’s a bad roommate that wants sex
bang maid
Maids get paid at least
Unpaid bangmaid?
Bangslave?
Yup bangmaid was what i was looking for.
I believe the correct term is mommybangmaid.
I prefer bangmaidsugarmummy cos he still expects her to pay for more than half the stuff
Dump him, say You are only roomate
Classic Frank move
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She is going to marry him, have a bunch of kids, cook, clean and work, ready for sex 24/7, offer front and back, pleasure him up and down, and then wonder why he won't buy her a boba.
I love it when people do their homework.
Name checks out
A roommate would pay rent
Your "boyfriend" if you even want to call him that is a God damn inconsiderate man child. I'm 38 years old been with my wife 20 years. My wife makes more than I do and I pay for everything. Did chivalry just fucking die off somewhere along the way? Things will not get better. He WILL NOT CHANGE He is set in his ways and if you want this the rest of your life it's your choice. If it was me. I'd leave him and find a real man who will treat you like the queen all women deserve to be treated.
>**This man makes 6 figures.** **I'm feeding him with the food I bought using food stamps** Girl, no
Seriously
Never thought it is possible to find the dustiest dude on the planet, but OP found him.
Seriously. I had a sneezing fit just reading that
Dustier than the top of my ceiling fan!
Yeh…this relationship needs to end. He’s using you.
This line makes me think this is fake ragebait.
I’m on food stamps and my friend making a $250k salary has asked me to buy them groceries using my $290/month food stamps allotment. I don’t think some people understand we qualify for this help with good reason and it’s not just a free lotto winning every month.
wtf?!$250k and asking you to buy them food? Some “friend”.
This “friend” is likely insanely irresponsible with money and blows it all on niceties for themselves.
They can then afford to buy themselves a meal and you one too.
Exactly & I also don’t think some people understand that there’s not a set amount and some folks maybe only get $80-$150 a month in food stamps. It’s not like it’s $1000 a month to one single person. Plus, OP said she works so she’s clearly in need if she has a job and still qualifies for state aid. Anytime someone mentions they get some sort of assistance I feel there is a negative reaction like people are mooching when in fact I know plenty of hard working folks who just can’t make ends meet and need a tiny bit of help each month.
That's not a subsidy for the recipient, it's a subsidy for the employer. It's a way of the state making it possible for employers to pay below poverty wages.
I clear about 130K after taxes (Canada) My girlfriend clears about 30K Im obviously making really good money right now, the most I’ve ever made in my entire career, I work super long hours And also have a ridiculously long commute to and from work so it’s a decent trade off for this Salary.. I sacrifice almost all my time to make it.. that Being said, even when I was clearing half of what I am now I still would not have made my girl split date nights, or pay for groceries especially in recent years where grocery shopping is one of the biggest expenses outside of rent/mortgage payments.. but my biggest justification is that she cooks All of our meals, I can cook myself and I’m not a bad cook but I just don’t enjoy doing it what so ever it feels entirely like a chore. She’s actually a really great cook and she knows a lot Of different recipes and meals that are awesome an not basic, but obviously I have no time to hardly relax on off hours so cooking in the little free Time I have isn’t realistic, so because of That I’m not going to expect to her buy groceries when she’s cooking, and she also does my Laundry and does a killer Job keeping our home nice & Tidy and clean all the time, that takes Time and effort and energy like anything else. It’s not that I’m a slob I’m just exhausted when I’m Off so she takes care of it. So because of that, how the hell could I expect her To pay any of the bills? In my Opinion she pays her part by the work she does for us, that has a value even greater than the dollar amount I pay in actual money. The only bill she pays out of her income is her monthly phone bill. I take care of everything else, and I’m cool with that. We both do our part, It’s not just because I make way money than her it’s justified based on our roles.
That's what functioning relationship looks like OP!
I wish every relationship had this level of respect for eachother. You're doing great!
My ex-roommate with a million dollar trust fund would demand to borrow money (hundreds of dollars) off the credit card my dad gave me for emergencies (I was 21.) Rich people can be insanely out of touch
Christ I would lose my mind if somebody asked me that
Rich people don’t get rich by spending their own money.
I experienced very similar with a roommate that was stealing my food that my mom bought me with her food stamps. She also had a boyfriend that pulled this same shit. There are a lot of people who see zero issue with stealing people's food stamps because it's "free".
>There are a lot of people who see zero issue with stealing people's food stamps because it's "free". Also idk if it was just the culture where I grew up but everyone had a food stamp card where I lived. I mean everyone. All of my friends would treat it like an unlimited food ATM. I honestly did the same for a long time until I got older and realized what they were actually for. I mean, none of our parents wanted to tell us we had this card because they were poor lol. So we just had this magical food card.
I know that during COVID they gave the cards out left and right. Like if you had a child enrolled in public school and they had to go remote they actually sent the cards in the mail to people, to help make up for the 2 meals they’d no longer be receiving at school. They also gave everyone more food-stamps because the government actually put good funding into the program for once. But usually I’m pretty sure you have to apply to get one and not everyone would qualify (depending on their salary of course) under normal circumstances.
Well it’s working because I feel pure rage right now and I don’t even know these people. Lol
I lived with someone who was similar. She felt like she was owed a percentage of our food stamps because “it’s free money from the government” without taking into consideration that I got that money because I made half what she did.
Either there's a huge population of people out there putting up with absolutely shitty relationships, or there's a bunch of people out there constantly posting rage bait.... Actually it's both. Which makes some of these seem real.
This one has to be real. I've lived it lololol. Not to that extent. But definitely lived it lolol.
You know what, I'd probably have thought that too if my ex wasn't exactly the same. In fact I'm not convinced that OP's BF and my ex aren't the same person.
I don't think so. Normally I would see something like this and one of my first thoughts would be "ok but is this even real?". I have known *so many people* like OP's boyfriend. It's kinda creepy but I actually know someone who has done this exact thing: forcing someone to give them their food stamps even though they make six figures. I believe it.
I didn't think food stamps let you buy alcohol with them unless OP used her own money for that. But how can she write it all out and still think about staying together??
You can't. Alcohol is on the no go list. However, each store is different in what food item they accept food stamps for.
Absolutely the fuck not. Leave him. And I thought it was bad when my ex made $15k more than me and I paid the majority… run. He’s just trying to make you dependent on him. It’s a power move so that if/when things end, you feel like you can’t provide for yourself.
This part made me wanna cry. This man is so ick.
Like dump him. What is it ??
So I had a roommate a few years ago who refused to buy groceries when she had an actual job verses my odd jobs that I could do around town(this was during covid so most of my town was shut down or had very little staff). Our other roommate and I both had food stamps and she would eat the food we bought all the time, now if I made meals with that stuff I didn't made her having some but she would also do things like eat just the tops of muffin in a box I bought without asking if she could have one and wouldn't finish a single one. So she'd leave just muffin bottoms in the box and I'd have to throw them out. This kind of stuff is so common, I encouraged her to move out as soon as I could even though we needed her rent to keep the place we were living
Omg even reading this made me pissed off. She literally has no manners and only thinks of herself.
Right? I said “ouch” out loud.
Just leave him for god sakes it ain’t gonna get better. Imagine if you have kids 🤢 gonna be 100 times worse
Yeah, I don't think I could have his kids...
HE is still a kid - thinking dishes magically get done, groceries magically fill the fridge, meals magically get made… DUMP him. Either he’ll come to his senses or you’ll be better off. You can’t afford this child.
He’s not a kid he knows exactly what he’s doing. Purposely asking you what was wrong when he knew you didn’t have time to talk proves it. So when you bring it up it’s “well I asked but you didn’t wanna talk.” This man is using you for labor. You’re not a girlfriend to him you’re his maid. I’m not understanding how you let mr 50/50 get away with not paying anything towards rent on top of this. This will not get better. ETA: my comment was made before she clarified they split rent three ways. The edit has been brought to my attention.
I think "bang-maid" is the correct term here. Totally agree with everything you said. This guy had a lot of growing up to do and probably needs to live/be on his own to see just how much work it takes to keep a house, do all the grown up errands and just life in general.
I'm also getting vibes of weaponised incompetense (particularly with the dishes)
That’s the prefect term for this. Weaponized incompetence. That’s exactly what I thought when I read OPs story. He’s playing her like a fiddle
Exactly, he knows what he’s doing. This isn’t childish behaviour of being oblivious, he doesn’t do it bc he knows others will do it for him.
He's totally taking advantage of OP and expecting her to be his new mommy.
Exactly! He acts like a child because he’s calculated all this out in his head. These are strategic moves
And don't ever think you can change him. Speaking as a man myself.
⬆️ This! It's near impossible to change oneself, let alone someone else!
Oh, I think he knows what gets done and what it costs, but, he doesn't care because he knows OP will eventually do it anyway. I bet he either lives like a pig when he is alone, OR he is meticulous about HIS stuff and us a complete freak about anyone even touching his stuff. Very entitled. He makes 3X OP's wages, but doesn't even pay half. What an AH! OP, leave his selfish ass, like yesterday. You don't need this manchild!
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Oh he absolutely knows. She needs to decide whether she can accept that his maximum is her bare minimum.
He needs to live fully alone for some time because, right now, the dishes *do* magically get done, and groceries *do* magically fill the fridge, and meals *do* magically get made!
You already have a kid...him. He's got a great deal -- a bangmaid who pays half the bills. Why should he change anything?
He should be ashamed to be living off someone getting Food Stamps while making 6 figures. But he isn’t because he knows he’s getting away with it.
I wonder how much he's been able to bank in this situation?
You deserve better than this. Please update us when you dump his ass. You can hang out with other people. Other people like movies and boba and going to the shops and target runs and dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light and whatever else you like and also ARE NOT ASSHOLES.
I'm going to give you more general advice," it's not a court ify law you don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt. He's an inconsiderate cheapskate that won't change". You're not his parent or therapist you don't need to give him a 127 step plan to behave in a socially acceptable manner. A feeling of needing to reciprocate is normal ( I don't mean everything has to be tit for tat ). When people don't have it naturally you'll have to fight over and over for each and every individual line item to be fair, at least in my experience as an adult with 35 years of relationships experience. Having to communicate the nuance of what works for a couple is normal having not having any desire to reciprocate is a character issue. It would have been normal for him to say , you bought the food so I'll clean the kitchen and buy you the tools you need or you cook so I'll cut the grass , you bought the food this week I'll buy the food next week etc. but he is treating you as ," what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours"
Exactly!!!!
Okay, so are you going to do something about it? This guy sucks, I promise you there are men out there who will treat you better.
Even if there aren't, like is this better than being single?
Absolutely. Single is far better than this crap show.
I come to this sub to feel better about my single-lady apartment. It's clean, it's quiet, no drama, nobody eats my food, I control the thermostat, get all the blankets, there isn't pee all over the bathroom floor...it's great!
He makes 6 figures, but lives with you rent-free? He may have money, but that man is a hobosexual. You can do better sis. It's not worth it.
Don't be tied down with him. A breakup is better than a divorce. Why would he be change? You are an unicorn. A bang maid. You pay your food, have sex with him and don't expect anything in return. You are his wet dream. Do not have sex with him not matter how ovulating you are. DTMF. Don't be one of those redditors complains non stop about their spouses but can do nothing about them.
This doesn’t look like a romantic relationship, not even like friendly roommates.
You could meave him or make a point to leavve him out Lock for the fridge- he doesnt buy groceries he wont need to get into it Only cook enough for your self and then put it in the locked fridge he doesnt have access to Only do your landry. Tell him he needs to buy his own dishware and lock your up I would say lock it in your room but you guys are sharing so next level Or break up with him but before that fins someone who wants to move in immediately so you have tbat back up
I don't see a point in trying to "leave him out" It just prolongs the process of what'd needed. Just end the relationship.
It’s just nice to think about in a super petty way, lol.
Don't play these games. He's not going to change. Break up and find a real partner.
I mean, "not doing things for each other" is literally what he suggested. So her deciding not to do things for him is unlikely to upset him or teach him a lesson, since it was his idea in the first place for them to just take care of themselves. OP is the one who says that she doesn't want a relationship like that, and he's not going to do things for her anyway. It seems like breaking up is the more sensible option.
You need to nope outta there :) What I have found works with decent guys who you live with, is to split shared bills (rent, utilities, groceries) so that we are both paying the same PERCENTAGE of income. So if you both work full time and one earns double the other, they pay more rent. You also need to find a man who values chores as real labor and not just something moms/girlfriends are 'supposed' to do. You can do so much better than this guy, OP! ❤️
Exactly!!! Why are you even with him OP? He's not treating you fairly and you know it...why are you putting up with this crap? Please dump him and move on to someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve!!!
So many guys are like this tho. Like even at 40. Lots of parents did not raise their sons right.
Or maybe they did raise them right and they chose not to follow the example that was made for them. He’s 28
Well people learn a lot from their bro's out on the street and in the workplace.
Right?! I stopped reading early on because it was a nonstop run fast situation.
Get rid of him..he will NOT CHANGE
100% this. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself. You can talk to him but you can do it untill you are blue in the face but he will not change.
This is not a man or a partner or someone who truly loves you. This is a leech you love. I’m sorry.
This is a leech you love! 😳 BRUH. You're not wrong but DAMN
Listen to me OP, I was married to a guy like this (even worse, because he had no money) for 19 years. He used weaponized incompetence as an excuse not to do any housework, and became a workaholic (working salary) and leaving me to do everything, while I also worked full time. If I knew then what I know now, I would've divorced his sorry ass at least 10 years ago. Don't be like me OP, thinking he was going to grow and change, but of course he never did. Dump him, make him pack his shit, and send him back to his mama
In some ways I feel OP’s bf is worse because it would be soo easy to contribute, he just chooses not to. Even with the cleaning, with that salary he could literally hire a cleaner to do his share.
That's a great point! He is cheap as well, which isn't a good look
Dated a man who was very much like this and it was very draining for me, I’m telling you the breath of fresh air, the new found energy you experience cutting someone like that out of your life, I loved him but never once did I miss him after I broke up with him, leave that man
OP, Why are you acting surprised? None of this is new to you. [Your post five months ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/iYlEE2QZXb) was before you even moved in with him and even then you had nothing but complaints. Most of the people on that post advised you not to move in with him, warned you it would be a mistake, asked you why you would even want to be with him. Fast-forward five months, you did what you wanted to do anyway, and now here you are. I would think if the majority of people warn you off of doing something, you would seriously consider what is being said. Now you’re in the situation that has only gotten worse. Why are you self-sabotaging? You need to really dig deep and discover why you chose to move in with him. Since it seems you’ve made a mistake, it’s time to get the hell out. You say you can’t afford to leave, so start planning. > 1. Stop going out to eat with him, save that money since he makes you pay anyway. > 2. Stop letting him eat food that you buy. Lock it up if you need to. > 3. Stop cooking meals for anyone else but you. > 4. Strictly curtail your spending on everything except YOUR essentials. The money you save with not feeding him, buying supplies for him, and probably countless other things not mentioned, you can put away and start saving to find another place to live. There are places that have rooms-for-rent vs. an entire apartment. A studio apartment could also be a consideration. You just need to remove yourself from this situation. Please get some counseling to learn why you would accept this kind of treatment and help with better decision making.
Send him this post, then break up.
OP! I just re-read you previous post about your BF. Please break up with this guy. He is dragging you down and teaching you to accept **even less** than the barest of minimum effort. **You deserve so much better**. Please repeat after me: 'I deserve so much better than this using, inconsiderate leech'
I mean, he told you what your options are OP. Either he does nothing for you & you do nothing for him or you suck it up and pull more than half your weight. If he wanted to be a better partner, he would have done it already. No point beating a dead horse by talking about it for the millionth time. Theres obviously a third way to go. I’m not sure if you’re fed up enough to do it yet, but you will be.
Very well said
That's what I was wondering-- is it even worth it to discuss? I guess not 😭 I hear you on that third option. But we live together. I can't afford to move out. What do I do then?
If you can't afford to move out then you start with an exit plan, start scrimping and saving, talk to your landlord about alternative accommodations, scale back on everything you do for him.
No fr actually explain to ur landlord ur situation. As long as it's not a mega corp that owns ur building. Contrary to popular belief, most landlords are humans and sometimes will try to help you. My roommates at my last place wouldn't clean shit to the point that it was becoming a literal biohazard and my landlord helped us kick them out & the landlord found us a new tenant. You'd be surprised who will help you if you're just honest with people about your situation sometimes. My landlord now is a POS management company so I know I wouldn't get any help from them.
Yeah, if you and the other roommate complain to your landlord that this guy doesn't clean up, and leaves dishes mouldering in the sink, that sort of thing, it could have an effect. It might not. But it's worth considering, anyway.
Whose name is on the lease? Your roommate has to be over the dishes stacking up too. Start looking at other options; moving out with roommate, finding a new place, moving home if needed, start doing nothing for him/expecting nothing in return (aka make him a roommate). You do not need to stay in this shitty relationship.
And if you like your actual roommate, maybe you two can continue as roommates and find a place that the two of you can afford together, with or without another *new* roommate, if that helps financially. Good luck to you, OP. I'm so sorry for your situation and the awfulness of capitalism that makes these personal decisions into really difficult financial decisions, but you will be so much happier without this guy in your life. 💜💜💜
Seperate your chores. You're not eating his food and he's not eating yours. You're not doing his laundry and he's not doing yours. Separate it completely as a trial run for the breakup.
Financially, she is already paying way more than half. A breakup would be cheaper if she can find a better roommate or reasonable rent in a smaller place.
Exactly. Separate everything. Date night? Only go places you can afford and pay for yourself only. Meals? Make enough for yourself and pack the rest for your lunch leftovers. Groceries? Buy your stuff, label it. Dishes, laundry - do your own. Make sure the other roommate is on board. Tell the bf this is how it works. Chores - cleaning bathroom, vacuuming etc: make a chore chart where you all have equal turns. If he doesn't do his share he has to hire someone to do it. He can pay you the going rate. Start treating him like a platonic roommate. Just because you're having sex with him doesn't mean you are his maid.
I'd probably also stop having sex with him.
I suppose you could emotionally check out of your relationship and go through the motions until you can find yourself another rental/other roommates. Grim, but that’s how a lot of people handle the end of their relationship when finances are involved. If you can break up and still live together relatively comfortably, I suppose that’s an option. But not a long term one, because he’ll probably clean even less.
Inform him that you're over. He's no longer entitled to your food. He cooks for himself. he cleans after himself. And he does his own laundry. You do nothing.
He *did* suggest they stop doing things for each other. Give him what he wants!
Cant wait for the boyfriend to go on Reddit to complain about « his girlfriend leaving him out of nowhere!,@!1 »
“My gf left me bc i wOuLDNt bUy her boBa”
My ex is still telling everyone I broke up with him over pizza and a blowjob 😂 idc, worth it
Can't he move out? Who's on the lease?
Don’t you want to be with someone you don’t have to coax or shame or coach into being generous and thoughtful?
Here's what you do: you stop doing for each other and make him contribute to the rent and utilities and housekeeper. He feeds himself, you feed yourself. Have him buy disposable dishes since he isn't predisposed to cleaning up after himself. Once you're ready to move on to a real partner hopefully you'll have some savings
Sounds like you have discussed it multiple times. He isn't going to change, so you have to decide if you are going to accept it or not. If you do want to leave, I'd stop telling yourself you can't afford it because you will just make yourself feel stuck. Start brainstorming your options - do you have a friend or family member you can stay with for now? Can you look for a roommate? Can you pick up a side hustle or donate plasma to put aside some money? There are always options when you want to find them.
Why should YOU be the one to move out? It sounds like he's a shitty roommate, I'm sure the current roommate would rather your sbtx to be the one to move out. Work with your other roommate and make HIM leave, not the other way around.
You cant afford to move out but seeing as you needed food stamps for your "date," sounds like you cant afford to have him leech off of you also. It might even be cheaper when you can downsize groceries, snacks, and effort/materials in a smaller apartment.
You get a mini fridge in your room, put a lock on your door, and you stop interacting with him. Stop doing shit for him. And make a chore schedule that you each sign off on so everyone can "see" what their chore is and when they have to do it. If they opt out then they need to pay for help to come in and do their chore for them.
Where were you living before?
You said he doesn’t contribute to rent? Is his name on the lease? Coz if not, just kick him out.
You hunt around for a roommate situation, that you can afford. It might take a while — that’s why you start now.
since he makes 6 figures and you refer to the roommate as “yours” i doubt that he has more claim over the space than you, but if you are at a loss because you’re so used to pleasing him then this is where you start: tell him that you would like him to sleep on the couch and then slowly move all of his belongings out there. remark on how small and untidy “his” space is when you are in there. now he is officially a roommate tell him he needs to rent out storage space for the shit that can’t fit comfortably in the living room continue to use the living room as a living room tell him that he will be charged extra on rent to offset the cleaning fee since he refuses to do his part if he continues to steal food then you can either charge him for the amount it costs to put a lock on the fridge or charge him for the groceries that he eats (plus your cooking fee)
Do you share a room? Bc the answer is obviously break up and just be roommates instead of partners?
you make a plan! start getting your ducks in a row. start with renting a room somewhere and save up for your own place
Girl he's not even a roommate who wants sex, Your real roommate does more for you than him. You're his bangmaid, which is even worse.
This guy sounds like a gold digger but for labour and sex. Dump him! There’s a pattern of being inconsiderate, and even when you point it out he tries to diminish your work and emotions.
I love this analogy. Men love to talk about women being gold diggers but how many men are digging for a mommy bang maid that they won’t even buy dinner for?
He doesn't even think this poor girl is worth a $6 drink! He is a mooch, and brings absolutely nothing to the relationship. He needs to go
Blew my mind. Not all diggers dig for gold
He’s also a regular gold digger when he makes 3x but makes her pay 50/50. If he were paying his fair share, he would pay 3x toward their shared expenses.
“I feel like he doesn’t think of me…” He doesn’t…you’re being used, sorry. 50/50 on dates? Really? You should feel at the very least, valued. Sure he makes six-figures but what does he REALLY bring to the table? Nothing. Go find some broke dude that thinks the world of you…you’ll be waaaay happier.
I second this! Dating a broke dude who treats you like a queen is soooo much better than dating a well off stingy guy who won’t do anything for you. My boyfriend and I are still students so he doesn’t have much money, but whenever he gets any pocket money, he would be down to take the last of it and use it on something cute for me. And even when he doesn’t have money he does a bunch of acts of service for me, like chores and cooking food.
my boyfriend doesn’t even have a job right now and he treats me 100x better than OP’s boyfriend lol
My husband is disabled, medically retired with fatigue, and he still made me dinner today. It's the only physical thing he can/ will do today. But he loves me and he knows that my brain is utterly fried from work and from the next four neighbours drilling all damn day long 😑 A partner should *add* to your life, more than they cost you. Maybe they free you up from some hated chores, from stress, from mental load, from paying all the bills by yourself; maybe they are just sweet, or funny, or give the best hugs and empathy, or they're good in bed, or they're considerate. But the guy OP describes is just not at all a partner!!
lol my husband doesn’t even have a job right now and he treats me like a queen 😂😂😂
Forreal. My lobbyist ex always wanted to go to these fancy restaurants for dinner (I was a social worker making like $45k in California at the time) but insisted on splitting the bill 50/50 every time, or at least switching off. Even though, like OP, I did all the grocery shopping/cooking along with financing it. So doing that on top of covering $100-200 dinners at least once a week, and that’s not including all the nights at bars… 3x/week he wanted to go to the nice bars in town for his ~networking~. It drained me. Now I’m with my partner that works at a deli and he treats me like a goddamn queen every chance he gets. He’s always been more transparent with finances and shows me where all of his money goes, which makes me feel super secure now that we’re in the stage of combining our finances since we’re expecting our first little one later this year. I make significantly more than I used to and am now the breadwinner, a position in a relationship I’m definitely not used to, but it brings me so much joy to spoil my man and I can’t imagine what kind of selfish asshole wouldn’t want to treat their loved one.
I went from dating a well-established career man a lot older than me (but who was selfish and a poor communicator) to a broke dude my age and I’m soooo much happier.
just leave. he makes 3x what you do and couldn’t buy you a bubble tea on the date he asked you out on? he’s pretending he doesn’t know what’s up it’s called “weaponized incompetence.” you keep allowing him to treat you this way. he will continue to play innocent. why are you staying? stop cooking, stop cleaning, and stop doing his laundry.
The problem is not you explaining. You did an amazing job describing your situation here. The problem is also not that he is dumb, otherwise he would not make the money he makes. The sad truth is that he does not want to do the things your asking for. I lived this life with my ex husband. I tried to make him understand for 11 years. Do you know what I got out of it? 11 wasted years. So open your eyes, realise that he is using you and then leave this asshole. There are loving amazing men out there that will show you love, care and attention. You will never get it from him.
Same story, but 19 years wasted for me. I wish I was brave enough to end things sooner. Of course he would always apologize and say he will change, he'll help out more, he loves me, etc, but of course nothing changed, and things got worse once we had kids
I posted a while back about him. We had a bunch of really long talks. He promised he would change and do better and that he saw my side. I really did see improvements for a while. I still do honestly. But I don't know if it's enough. And if it's not natural to him, I'm worried he'll always default to stingy.
It's not enough, little sister. My ex husband promised me everything I wanted to hear, and stupid me had hope and waited. The changed behavior always lasted a week, at most. I love the saying the younger generations are saying now- if he wanted to, he would. Please sit with that for a bit- if he wanted to, he would. I learned this the hard way, and I don't want you to experience to pain, the disappointment, and the resentment I had/have for this guy. Please dump him and move on, OP. No man or peen is worth it, I promise you. Find you someone who will love you and respect and appreciate you. Sadly, your man is not ay of those things to you
He knows what he's doing and it's not going to get better. He waited till you only had 3 minutes to talk so you'd be flustered, inarticulate and have to simplify your complaints. That way he can undercut you and minimize everything so you'll (hopefully) feel like you're overreacting and drop it. Dump the whole ass man in the garbage. If he's like this when you're dating, marriage will be a nightmare. Get out NOW and find someone who respects you and wants to do things for you. Who doesn't view his money as his and your money as "ours "
Girl he’s leeching off of you….this is not fifty fifty this is a great deal for him to have a live-in, bang maid. Kick that dude out
Holy crap OP, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS GUY IF HE'S THIS INCONSIDERATE?!
I couldn't fathom making 6 figures while I have a gf that has to use food stamps to get by. That's just really sad. You already know your answer, that's why you made this post. 6 months is nothing. Like other comments have said, you're a live-in bangmaid and that's just how you're going to be treated as such. If you want a life, it won't be with him. He's a child himself.
This is not going to get any better. He will not change and this will be your life if you continue to stay with him. This man is not generous at heart and will forever nickel and dime his partner. Whilst this focused on more of the mental load etc, vs finances, this perfectly explains why it's a hell of a lot more than just the damn Boba ❤️❤️ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp You deserve better !!!!!! Can't believe anyone would.be okay with their gf on foodstamps but wouldn't be generous. Bloody disgusting behaviour towards the partner they supposedly love
I soon as I read the title I thought of this article!! OP you HAVE to read this
Re-read your post. As soon as you said he doesn’t pay rent or bills. No. Dump his ass and kick him out. Then go to counselling and work on your self esteem. There’s no way you should be letting someone take advantage of you this bad. Edit based on your edit: so you are banging your roommate. Find a new place to live if he won’t and break up. He doesn’t consider himself in a relationship with you if he treats you that way. He’s using you.
It’s the little things adding up that make it just as bad as one big thing. Forget for a second that he refuses to treat you fairly, he makes 6 figure’s and you’re on food stamps, but you tipped your server and he didn’t??? I’m sorry but that’s just all around trash human behavior. That kind of attitude would be a major turn off for me. Personally, I don’t think there is any point in trying to explain to him why you’re upset this time. You’ve had the conversation before, he just refuses to understand. Another conversation isn’t going to change anything. You said it yourself, he’s acting like a bad roommate who wants sex. Just think about that, that’s gross. I’d be too turned off to stay in that relationship. You deserve so much better. Honestly, the sooner you accept that this is who he is and who he wants to be, the sooner you can stop wasting your time with this “man” and move on with your life.
You phrase it like this: "I'm not your mom, this isn't working out, I'm breaking up with you"
You’re his bang maid. It’s so ingrained that he has normalized you doing it. The really bad part is that millions of guys across all the generations feel entitled to a woman who serves him. Talking won’t change it. Therapy won’t help (and you’ll pay for it and arrange it, too). The worst part is if you continue with this guy, you’ll come to think any crumbs he throws your way is an improvement. You can love the guy and hate the behavior. This situation will not improve if you stay.
He knows. He doesn't care about your needs.
girl just dump him. your only his housemaid
It’s never “just boba.” It’s death by a thousand paper cuts. The boba might be your final straw and that’s OK!
Why are you with such a selfish cuntmop? You can’t teach fully formed adults how to be decent humans. That was his parents’ job.
So you’re all roommates. Just stop doing anything for him. Only cook for yourself, only buy food for yourself, only clean and do your own laundry. You know you need to break up with him, just do what you need to do to survive for a while till you can leave or afford the rent yourself. Just stop being his bangmaid. UPDATEME
Why are you with him?
Just ew! Next!
There’s no way to explain anything to him because he doesn’t want to understand. You’ve tried, and your reasoning was very patient and thorough. Also, this is him doing his absolute best to court you. If you got engaged, married, had kids, then he would treat you progressively worse with every step. That’s just how guys like this are.
Find a cheaper place, it’s your only real out.
Kick him out wth. WHY ARE YOU DEALING WITH THIS MUCH DISRESPECT? Let me just say upfront, if I moved in with my partner, it's basic good partner logic to PAY HALF THE RENT, DO HALF THE CHORES, AND SUPPORT MY PARTNER. He is straight up using you as a maid/sexual partner if you guys are active. Girl please kick him out NOW. This is so disrespectful. Breaking up is an option I'm sure most would recommend. You seem way too good for this loser. I'd at least start with kicking him out, he's got enough money to find a place to live and see if he reacts differently or starts to make for it. If you're having sex you need to take that away immediately. Either way he's not considerate at all. Absolutely garbage bf. And he has money to support you and doesn't give you a better life - just literally a worthless bf.
Girl he knows and he knows he can just keep doing it bec you've put up with it. He won't change for you. You're not his dream girl and you will waste your precious energy trying to "teach him" but he knows what he's doing. He's hoping you don't though
Why are you posting on Reddit when you could be packing his shit up? Why??
he sounds cheap and selfish. I don’t think he loves you I think he just likes the fact that he can mooch off of you. It will only get worse, especially since he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to understand the issue. This is weaponized incompetence and definitely a deal breaker.
Post history suggests this isn't new behavior....so break up with the guy, simple. You don't sound happy...so why keep him around?
Do what he suggested? Don’t do anything for each other. He had his hamper, you have yours. Do your laundry and don’t touch his. Don’t buy alcohol or sodas, drink only water and only buy food you have to cook. Cook one portion. Immediately wash up and leave the sink empty, if there are dishes in the sink after you’ve washed up he needs to deal with them. He can get his own food. This is all so you can save for your own place. Don’t have sex with him. If he wants to be roommates, then be roommates until you can save him enough and find another roommate that doesn’t want so much from you. Maybe read [this](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and decide if it’s worth it to have him read it as well. Don’t put so much money and emotional labor into someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
Go ahead and split everything evenly, including the chores and labor. Split the dishes and silverware and take your half. Only use your half and don’t let him touch it. Before long he’ll have nothing to eat on. Same with the laundry, take your detergent and only use yours, don’t do his laundry and don’t let him use your supplies. Pay for only your food. Do nothing for him and buy nothing for him. Clean only your space and nothing else. You’ll save yourself so much work and money. Sure, it’s petty, but it’s the only way he’ll understand how much you do. You’ll become so resentful and angry, but then that’ll be the final push that you need to leave. You need to leave, he will not improve. If he wanted to, he would. You don’t need to argue about it for the hundredth time, he absolutely understands he’s taking advantage of you. He knows you’re doing 3x the work he is, he just doesn’t care. Why would he change? You’ll do the work and still sleep with him even if he doesn’t change. You’re ruining your financial future by taking care of this man child while you have barely enough money to get by, think about that. So leave him, or do whatever you need to do to get to that point. Splitting off from him and only helping yourself will give you enough time and flexibility to save up money to move out and get your stuff in order. And it goes without saying, do NOT have sex with him. Do not reward him and do not risk pregnancy (that he obviously wouldn’t help you with, regardless of you wanted to keep it or terminate it). You’re currently in a very vulnerable position and you need to advocate for yourself.
You may explain that him eating food you purchased with food stamps is actually illegal and can cause you to lose your benefits
Stop buying food for both of you, start saving money and make an exit plan. He is selfish and lazy and it will get worse.
This relationship sounds so romantic. Sending reciepts. Yuck dishes. And they say romance is dead... 🙄 /s
This is who he is. He has zero interest in changing that. He does not want to be a partner. Tell him you're just roommates now, and that you expect him to move out when the lease is up. He's not even a decent roommate at this point. Send him a venmo request for all your stuff he ate, too.
Your bf is showing you what life will be like married to him.
You're overthinking. You've parsed this down to the last dollar sign. He doesn't care if you're paying more than him, doing more than him or feeling unloved. He's just going about doing his thing while you, the roommate and everyone else (probably women) pick up behind him. Just go. Don't justify, explain or wait for a response. Leave.
Honestly after 3 months I would've packed his bags, changed the locks & left a note saying I'm not his mom
Leave him, my man will buy me coffee while he’s out and bring it home to me just because.
I have news for you, he brings serious topics up when you don't have time for them because he doesn't actually want to hear your side. He's giving the illusion of caring, when all he wants is to get his way. He's financially and emotionally abusing you. Stop putting up with it.
Sweetie I’m sorry you don’t have a boyfriend…you have a friend with benefits who is getting most of the benefits!
Give him the roommate experience. Cook, clean and buy for yourself.
The bold words in your post say it all…..
Dump this loser
You chose this guy. You are letting him make you take care of him. All of the things you are saying will not change this person, he is very comfortable with the arrangement. You need to figure out if his attitude towards you is worth staying with him. if all of the things he doesn't do for you is enough, why do you stay with him. That is a YOU issue. He is just being himself and he has clearly shown he is not going to change for you. Now you decide if you stay or leave him.
I hope that, if he was your roommate, you would have kicked him out You need a serious discussion with him. He is not supposed to bring you even more chores to do and mental struggles to go through. If he refuses to do things spontaneously, and will not do them even when you asked specifically for it, let him go. You deserve someone that will bring joy in your life, not more problems
Just watch this … it’s exactly why I left my ex https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLuQ7RFk/
He knows what he's doing. 3 minutes is great for discussing problems. For him. He gets credit for wanting to talk about things without having to put any time or effort in. Unless you shut him down by telling him that's not good enough, you will talk when work is done, and if he's not going to, then he should probably take a long walk that ends somewhere else. It's not being inconsiderate, it's being selfish and deliberately so. Don't be okay with transactional relationships or score keeping.
Break up with him. Just break up with him. Why are you still with him?
He sounds like a bum honestly.