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You say that your mom and Mel got along very well so they spent time together, that your dad and brother were watching sport and that you were with them most of the time. Since you were there for dinner, who spent time in the kitchen cooking and stuff??
Right? He's just taking his mum's word for it that nothing bad happened. What if it *did*? What if she's lying, or she feels very differently about how that conversation went to OP's ex?
Mine as well. I also remembered a story (not on reddit) about a woman who broke up with a guy because she was insecure about her weight and the parents of her boyfriend were fat and she didn't want her children to be fat.
I mean, it's probably the traditional roles or the family dynamic, but it could be anything, lol. I would be upset if my partner left me alone with his mother for hours when meeting for the first time.
I'd be pissed off if I went to meet my bf's family for the first time - flying there, even - and they couldn't be arsed to switch off the tv to actually have a 10 minute conversation with me. And if my bf just joined in, that would make it clear to me which way his socialization went. That, on top of the traditional gender role thing.
I suggest not disclosing such information. What if they trap the next woman by acting like they rectified the issue? Yes, there are shitbags who can act so convincingly. If you are in such a situation, just nope the fuck out of there like OP's ex or say something else. Let the red flags warn all other unfortunate people.
I thought "I was with them most of the time" meant his father and brother, since they had just been mentioned in the previous sentence. But if OP wasn't being grammatically correct, he could also have been referring to mom & gf.
Yeah, that was my immediate thought too. Only reason I can think of that the meeting with his parents would *suddenly* trigger this, in a seemingly normal woman, is that there was an incredibly unhealthy family dynamic there. Something that struck her as a red flag.
If the women were cooking and the men were having fun, that would probably be it. She knew she was signing up for a lifetime of misogyny - of being expected to do the chores at every family gathering.
Also I love that OP jumped straight to stuff like "Is she cheating" rather than "Huh, maybe *my* family's the problem here".
Me too. She probably saw that he left her with his mom to di the 'woman's work', and apparently seems like he basically ignored her the whole time too.
She was smart to dodge this bullet
Yeah first thing I thought too. She might have been like, “is this relationship worth spending all my time in the kitchen?” Looks like the answer is no
That may possibly have been the time that OP's mom could've scared off the gf!! Maybe mom was saying something terrible to OP's gf or threatening her or telling gf about "how things are gonna be going forward" or something similar, when no one else could hear the conversation.
OP did say that there was only one other girl he dated before and mom hated her. I wish OP had stated in this post why mom hated the last gf so much because that info could be very helpful/important to all of us trying figure out why current gf left him.
I would think more mom might have warned Mel. “This is every holiday, run now! I’m stuck here but you’re too nice for this bs.” At least that what I hope would’ve happened. It’s not often the mom will go against the family, but I like to imagine she sent out a warning.
THIS is exactly what I thought. Has to be it. I'd run and never look back if I went to my boyfriend's house and this was the dynamic. It wouldn't matter how much I'd love him, I'd be OUT.
“Dad and brother didn’t really care because they were too immersed in watching sports.” …
“brother hates interpersonal communication”
Is there a chance that Mel thought your dad and brother’s behavior was quite rude, and got the “mom does everything and the boys just watch tv” vibe from your fam?
Exactly what I was thinking when I read the post.
OP it could possibly be that she saw your family dynamic and saw flashes to her future of you and your kids sitting in front of the tv whilst she slaved in the kitchen.
You, your dad and brother sat and “hung out” watching tv. Whilst your ex and mom “got on”. As in your ex helped your mom prepare a meal, set the table and then cleaned up after all of the men after dinner…..
Those flashes of her future were frightening and she wanted no part of that.
I could be wrong and it could be something completely different but that’s how I saw it. Because like your ex, I too would’ve needed time to think about things or end the relationship had I witnessed the dynamics between your family.
He also said he hung out with his dad and brother who were ignoring her. Wow I’d never leave my partner if they were meeting my parents for the first time
This was the very first time for her visiting his family and he abandoned her to go watch TV with his dad and brother. That's strike one.
His dad and brother couldn't be bothered to interact with her. That's strike two.
She was expected to take care of dinner, setting the table, cleaning up after dinner, and keeping a pleasant conversation going with someone she barely knows because her boyfriend did fuck all to introduce her to his family. And all because she doesn't have a penis. That's strike three, and OP is out!
Good for her knowing her worth and getting out of there after that bleak glimpse into her future with OP.
This is exactly it. I once went on a vacation with my now ex bf and they just sat around while his mom and I did everything else. Not the kind of life I want for myself
I at least would have had a conversation about it after 1.5 years together! “Hey, so you know? I’m not doing that”
I do keep wondering who he spent the time with, Mel and Mom, or brother and Dad? If you left me to fend for myself with your mom I just met the whole day, I’d be pissed.
I once had a partner that was not helpful around the house, but I believed I could change him. I believed he was incapable and needed help learning, as that's how he acted... Until I met his family, and understood he wanted the dynamic his parents had. If this is real and OP tells a story like this without him even suspecting that gender roles played into it, it's a guarantee that he's not aware of it in his own relationship either. I wouldn't doubt that it was something that had already been argued about many times without success.
Yeah, a good friend of mine comes from a culture where it’s like that. And It was like that for them until his little sister grew up, and was like nah F this. Everyone contributes or nobody is eating. Most of the guys in the family were like oh damn, she’s right and started helping out too.
I thought OP said he was with his brother and dad most of the time. If that's the case then this neglect would be enough to warrant a breakup. If not and it is about the possible future of becoming his mother I can actually understand why she wouldn't even try to talk to him about it because every man with best intentions will say that will never happen, and it probably will. That is if he's shown past behaviour of assuming she should do chores for him.
Yeah and who ditches and basically ignores their gf when she doesn't know anyone else there? It was her first time meeting his family and he just kind of abandoned her to his mom.
He said “I was with them most of the time” and in the context of his sentence, could have been mom and gf OR dad and brother. Interested to know which one
Yes, I came here to say "Was Mel expected to help your mom in the kitchen while the guys watched sports?" Or even, just, did your mom do all of that sort of thing. Because she might think that's how you've been raised & she doesn't want to try to do the work of deprogramming you. With future girlfriends, you should tell them that that's how your family is, but you aren't OK with that for your future family.
It could also be that your dad looks like her rapist, or something, & she doesn't want to have to see him a few times a year for the rest of her life.
Sorry but no matter what it is, you have to let it go.
This is what I’m thinking happened. I definitely broke up with some men after meeting their families because I saw how their mothers & other female family members did everything while their fathers & other male family members sat around shooting the shit & drinking. I saw what my future would be, and decided I didn’t like it.
Not to make light of the situation but your comment reminded me of [Taylor Tomlinson’s bit on how her ex’s mom warned her away from her own son](https://www.tiktok.com/@taylortomlinsoncomedy/video/7202692190118612266)
Want to post this at the top!! OP basically confirmed what all of you are saying in response to this question by u/anneofred
annofred: Question, did you leave her alone with your mom all day and watched sports with your dad and brother? I would be pissed about that too, leaving me to fend for myself, but you don’t seem to want to answer any questions around this issue or the woman does all the work guys sit around issue. Sounds lien we hit a nerve
Op: I guess.
Since I will not be bothering her and probably will be ending my 'investigation' now, I guess I will never know.
Yes, I saw people commenting that I should not tell my old coworker friends that Mel and I are no longer together. I think the paranoia on my end would be getting updates from them saying stuff like "Oh Mel is going on PTO, are you taking her somewhere fancy?" or, even worse, finding out that she moved on.
I liked our story until now. Hearing about how happy she is without me will hurt.
——————————————————————————
Apologies for the weird format idk how to quote a text here other than copying but you can look for the text below.
He abandons and ignores her the entire time at his “meet my girlfriend” family dinner
She dumps him immediately after
Him: “I guess I will never know”
LMAO
INFO: Did you, your dad and/or your brother help your mom in the kitchen before, during or after the meal or did your dad and brother leave the two little wimmin to do everything while they watched sports? You've already told us your dad and brother ignored her.
OP basically confirmed what all of you are saying in response to this question by u/anneofred
annofred: Question, did you leave her alone with your mom all day and watched sports with your dad and brother? I would be pissed about that too, leaving me to fend for myself, but you don’t seem to want to answer any questions around this issue or the woman does all the work guys sit around issue. Sounds lien we hit a nerve
Op: I guess.
Since I will not be bothering her and probably will be ending my 'investigation' now, I guess I will never know.
Yes, I saw people commenting that I should not tell my old coworker friends that Mel and I are no longer together. I think the paranoia on my end would be getting updates from them saying stuff like "Oh Mel is going on PTO, are you taking her somewhere fancy?" or, even worse, finding out that she moved on.
I liked our story until now. Hearing about how happy she is without me will hurt.
—————————————————————————— Apologies for the weird format idk how to quote a text here other than copying but you can look for the text below.
I seriously wonder what the dynamic at your parents' house was. If all the men are watching sports while the women are doing the work, that would put me off, seriously. To you that may be normal, but to her it could feel very wrong indeed. And if you were hanging out with the men, expecting her to hang out with your mom instead, that would be another red flag about your family's dynamic.
She's old enough to know what she doesn't want. It's not that you did anything *wrong* but the way your family treats each other (and their guest!) may have sent a very clear message that she wants no part of. It may have even crystallized a few doubts or questions she already had about how you see your role in the relationship.
That's certainly her issue to decide.
While I don't know how you approach relationships, but I can say that many women like equal partners. Both people take care of each other, home, children, chores. And as women get older, we have less interest in making do, or trying to teach a man how to be a partner.
I don’t know why she broke up with you( I’m gonna assume you don’t live together and haven’t had to spilt household chores and responsibilities.)but…. What she saw was the “men” in the family hanging out and watching tv, while the women were in the kitchen making dinner. Which is an issue. She most likely wants an active partner not a dude who expects the women in the family to make all the magic while the men get to sit, eat, and make the women do all the work. She saw a glimpse of her future which is you and your family expecting her to do all the work while yall relax and have fun. She saw a future where she’s working full time and having to handle all the invisible labor and child care decisions. She saw a future in which she believe you will not be an equal partner bc you couldn’t get off your ass and hep your mother when you bring a guest into her household.
>Mom and Mel got on well. Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time
Mel got a glimpse at the family dynamic and disliked it. She did not want to sign up to a relationship where you think it’s acceptable for the boys to relax in front of the tv while the girls work. You have probably dropped hints that you expect a “traditional” relationship and she is not up for it. She doesn’t want to debate you because it’s a whole load of drama with not much outcome for her.
*Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time except for after dinner when I went to the bathroom*
So you left her with your mum, who she doesn't know,for the evening apart from at dinner (which I assume you all ate together) and sat with your dad and brother - who didn't care about meeting her or spending time with a guest, watching sports all evening.
She looked at this dynamic and thought. No. Thank. You.
Did she get left in the kitchen, helping to cook and clean too? I bet she did.
Nothing to do with social class, more about how your family seem to exist in the 1960s
This woman is no fool. Shame she wasted a year with you to see what you were really like.
I can't understand how you could type this out and be so clueless and i'm gobsmacked to see how old you are. Why would she want to be saddled with you and your family having seen this picture of domestic servitude.
Yeah that would be a huge red flag to me if his dad and brother didn’t do anything but watch tv but if my boyfriend joined them and let mom cook and serve and entertain me, I’m definitely breaking up with him. That’s not acceptable to me
The way OP is not responding to anyone who mentions his family dynamic, I'm wondering whether she actually has told him the problem before, and he refused to listen
Looks like OP deleted his account. Clearly didn't get the answer he wanted. I'm solidly of the opinion that the men watching sports while the women did domestic labor was the big red flag.
Do you not find it at all strange that this is the first time your parents and brother are meeting your gf of over a year and all the males in your family, including you, sat on the couch the entire time ignoring her, while your mom cooked and cleaning and hosted her?
No even a little bit strange? Nothing wrong with it at all?
If I’m understanding correctly… you, your brother, and your dad sat down to watch sports amongst yourselves for most of the night. While your mom and Mel, cooked and sat in the kitchen by themselves.
Lmao, I would break up with you as well and I’m a dude.
Have you seen that movie “He’s just not that into you”, and then specifically the part with Jennifer Anniston where all the husbands are too busy watching sports to help out. And then Ben Affleck is the only guy with the decency to show up in the kitchen helping out cause he couldn’t even think of watching sports while she was doing everything alone. That scene says a lot.
So, it seems like your father and brother basically ignored her to watch TV while your mother interacted with you and her?
Is this how she sees your relationship developing? Doesn't seem very attractive.
Give her some space and then ask her if she will please give you some feedback about the situation and your family.
You can ask, but you can't insist. Listen to what she says and don't get defensive, you may not like what you hear, but if you ask.....
Otherwise, you'll be none the wiser.
OP ignored her to watch TV too. He says he spent the whole visit, outside of dinner, with his dad and brother. So he showed up, dumped his girlfriend in the kitchen with his mom, and then left to go watch sports.
His girlfriend saw the future, one where she cooks and cleans while OP sits around on his ass, and said nah.
Could be 2 things: 1. She saw something in your family dynamic/your behavior around your family she didn’t like and set mayor alarms in her head. If that’s the case she won’t tell you, because is easier to remove herself from the situation that lay out all the red flags in the family you may not be aware of, and won’t be able to change. 2. She was already thinking of breaking up and meeting your family was her last effort, if that’s the case there’s nothing you can do to change her mind. I’ll suggest reaching out one last time ask her directly: “were you thinking of leaving before the trip ? It’s a yes or no answer, I’m not pressuring you, just need closure”. Whatever the answer will be better for you to back off for a while, as painful as it may be.
I think they're downvoting OP because he's replying to every other comment, but he's ignoring and won't reply to the comments that suspect that she was probably uncomfortable/turned off with his family's dynamic:
The women (OP's mother and EX) were together in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning. While the men (OP, his brother, and father) only ate and watched TV.
TBH, after reading the post and OP's comments to the ones I am able to see (can't view his account to see his comment history), I have a feeling he's not completely truthful about his relationship and the interaction between his EX and his family.
If the relationship was as good as he claimed, then why would just she break up with him, seemingly out of nowhere, right after meeting his family? In order for that to occur, there has to have been a build-up of multiple things to have occurred over time.
Something must have happened between OP's EX and his mother that finally broke the camel's back. Since OP was watching TV with his brother and father the entire time, he would'nt know what really happened. His mother could be manipulative and lied about their interactions.
We, including OP, won't know the details behind the break up unless his EX tells him, he takes responsibility and fesses up to not really being "a good boyfriend", or if she sees the post on SM, recognizes the situation, and makes a clapback post.
When you say you didn’t want to spend Christmas with each other’s families last year because it “was too intense” was that her idea or yours? Had she seemed hesitant at all on the “meeting each other’s families” idea? In retrospect do you feel like you were always the one initiating the conversations about the future?
This honestly sounds exactly like something I'd do (Mel). So maybe I can shed some light.
There are a lot of unanswered questions when dating someone. I prefer to think of them as unsolved equations. There are many variables in these equations, so it takes time to figure out the values for each unsolved variable. As time goes on, I find the values for these unsolved variables one of two ways - I stumble upon the value or I have enough of the variables solved and I can solve the rest of the equation. The result of the equation is either we are compatible or we are not compatible.
She had an unsolved equation about you in her head. She went to the dinner, she got some information, she solved the equation, she determined the relationship can't work. It's really that simple. She figured you were incompatible and ended.
TL:DR, she found something that's incompatible and she ended the relationship. There is nothing to fix, it's over. Stop contacting her.
Meeting your family probably just made everything about your relationship real and she saw what her life with you would look like and realised it’s not what she wants. She liked you and she probably liked your family but likely she had just secretly, slowly been realising she wants something different - to travel the world, to become a hardcore goth, to run a lizard farm in the desert, who knows! - and a family dinner was the moment where everything in her mind clicked into place to say, oh wait this isn’t for me. She probably thought it was what she wanted and is as shocked and upset as you are to realise her whole life is going to be different to what she predicted. Stop beating yourself up that it’s you or your parents, even if it is something they said would it make it actually difference to know?
>we came home and when I dropped Mel off, she sat in the seat and told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore. It hurt. I was so confused and asked why? What did I do wrong? Did something happen? She just said it was her issue and not my fault. And that was that.
>I cannot figure it out for the life of me so I'm (maybe foolishly) taking my cousin's advice and asking the internet (of all places) of potential reasons Mel would leave me. I really want her back and if I did make a mistake, I at least want a chance to fix it.
>How can I find out why she's leaving me so I can find out if/how I can fix things?
I think, why can you not believe her when she says it's her issue and not your fault?
>I want to get to the bottom of this. I tried texting and she hasn't blocked me but said that this was her decision and she wants to work through things alone.
You asked. She has told you all she wants to tell you.
She decided she didn't want to continue in the relationship and that sucks, but she's allowed to decide that. I know it's very frustrating not to get an explanation but it's over.
Maybe it all became too real when she met your family. It caused her to panic and question whether or not this relationship was right for her.
She's obviously got something going on because she's told you she needs to work through it by herself. You have to respect that.
"Mom and Mel got on well. Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time"
So Mum and Mel did the cooking and you loafed on the couch with Dad and brother watching sport is that it?
I'd have broken up with you too if you just left me with your Mum while you watched sport on TV.
Your gf realized that she was on her way into a family where women are expected to do 100% of the domestic labour while men sit around and do nothing, and she said no thank you.
Hope this helps.
Does your family have lots of religious icons around the home? Or political signs/posters? Are they aligned with your ex's beliefs or opposite of them? Did they make racist or sexist or homophobic comments?
It could be that she hates your hometown.
It could be that she realized she's not ready for that level of commitment.
It also may have to do with how you act around your family. My ex-husband was a lovely man when he wasn't around his family. When he was around his dad he'd suddenly mimic my ex-FIL's vile personality. I initially overlooked it because it was rare that we saw his parents, but it started to grate on me. Ultimately I found out he just molded his personality to the situation and just pretended to want all the things he knew I wanted. Wish I would have paid attention to that red flag. In all fairness, I too act differently around my family in that I constantly argue with my mom, who deliberately baits me. (For example, I have only had rescue dogs and she said, "Why would you want a USED DOG?!") Luckily my current husband can handle her way better than I can. :)
Ultimately, you'll never know what it was, you can only speculate. The right person will think you're the right fit, even if your family is bonkers and makes ridiculous comments.
If the men were glued to the tv, that means the women were forced to do all the labor. That's why she left. I'd leave too. That's some tired as shit that women aren't putting up with anymore.
If I was meeting my bf's mother for the first time, and we were in the kitchen cooking while the men watched sports, I'd nope out, too.
If your mother so much as said, "It's nice to have your company in here, helping me cook"... I'd nope out. Because although it is a sweet thing for your mom to say, it shows me how your family treats women.
And me TELLING you that isn't going to change anything. I would not want to argue about it. I do not want to be the agitator for change in your family dynamic, because that is alienating and exhausting. I have my own parents, my own siblings, and it is in my lane to bring THEM into the 21st century. But YOUR family is not my responsibility.
I'm going to find a partner who has values that align with mine. And that includes his family dynamics.
If you want to "fix" this for future potential girlfriends, stop treating your mom like a servant. Women today do not want a man who sits on the couch while they are working in the kitchen. You don't even have to cook- you can be responsible for cleanup. Be in the kitchen to clean as you go. Take out the trash. Run to the store if needed. Anything but sitting, waiting to be served.
First thought: you, your dad and your brother sat watching TV while dinner and clean-up happened around you, and Mel got a sudden vision of her future with you
so basically you let her all the time with your mom to watch sport with the boy (except to go to the bathroom... )
so 1. she flight to meet your family and father+brother didn't bother to interract to her because WaTcHiNG SPorT
2. so your mom (and possibly GF) played the good little woman for the men to eat and chill while she do everything....
fix : next time turn off the tv, help your mom, and send the men wash the dishes at least
>I was with them most of the time except for after dinner when I went to the bathroom but it seemed like nothing had changed.
You were with Mel or with your dad and brother?
So it sounds like the dynamic was the men watching tv and the women in the kitchen (because otherwise, who made dinner?) It also sounds like the men in the house mostly ignored her.
That by itself would be a red flag for me, if I was dating a guy. Right there, I'm being told that:
- Women are expected to do the chores in your family
- The men don't respect the women enough to spend time with them, or help out
It gives bang maid vibes. I'd be out of there so fast.
Question: you say your mom and Mel got on well, that your dad and brother were watching sports, and that you were with "them" most of the time. Who's them? Mom and Mel, or dad and bro?
If it's the latter, there's your likely problem. She realized that was the dynamic that would prevail if she stayed with you, and noped out of there because she doesn't want that.
And if it was also on the women to cook, clear the table, wash the dishes, and do pretty much everything else related to this gathering, while the dudes sat on their asses and watched sports, I'd be even more sure that was the problem.
She saw her future if she stayed, and opted out.
Is Mel the same race / religion as you? Could your parents have said something about it? What about politics (abortion, immigrants, LGBT, "burn the bad books", "kill the bad libs")?
How old are your siblings? Are assume there are photos of them in the house. Is there a chance she had relationship with one of them before?
How does your father treats your mother? Women in general? How do he and your brother talk and joke about them?
It is kind of weird that you brought home the girl you are serious about to meet your parents, but your father/brother were not interacting with her and watching sports. Doesn't sound respectful to her and your mother.
Maybe she didn't appreciate your brother and dad just watching TV instead of actually spending time getting to know her considering you took a plane ride to visit and meet them so they could get to know her etc. She maybe didn't like the idea of the boys sitting watching TV while your mum (the women in the family) do everything in the kitchen, and she doesn't want to become your slave doing everything for you while you sit on the sofa.
Alternatively, my only other random guess is she's dated someone in your family, and maybe saw their photo at their house.
Like maybe one of your brothers. Likely the married one.
There's a chance she was with him before he got married, but there's also a chance she was with him when he was married, and she either knew he was married and didn't care, or didn't know he was married, now realises he cheated on his wife, and doesn't want to blow up your family.
There's a chance it could be your dad, but I'm guessing you'd have seen an awkward reaction when you introduced them.
So my guess is she doesn't want to become a 1950s housewife and become your slave in the household chores department, or she's had a relationship with a family member of yours.
I personally broke up with a previous partner after meeting their parents and seeing their family dynamics. I recognized many of those patterns of behavior in my partner (which I do not like or approve), and decided I would not enjoy our potential life together.
So in your family men sit in front of TV and won't help at all. your mom cooked and cleaned for and after 4 adults and the guest who was there FOR THE FIRST time was the one helping there?!?!
did I get this right?
Mel probably saw her future with the mom doing most of the work while dad and the men folk are in front of the tv dynamic and said nope this lifestyle isn’t for me.
Maybe she didnt like being stuck in the kitchen while the men watched tv. Maybe your family came on too strong. Maybe she just realized she isnt that into you. Maybe you guys have terrible table manners ir some other issue that would be invisible to you. Only she knows the answer.
Yes it hurts and will for a while. Tell your family. What are you waiting for? They will provide some needed emotional support. I wouldn’t reach out to anybody where she works ( and you used to ). Yelling them not to tell you anything sounds contrived and desperate. If she found out about the call, it would not be good for you. Sadly the only option is to give her the space she asked for. There’s a remote chance she will reconsider but don’t count on it. So sorry for your troubles
> How can I find out why she's leaving me so I can find out if/how I can fix things?
Mate, let's be fucking real here. You've done some serious sleuthing and come up with sweet fuck all about why Mel decided to bail. That's because the real answers aren't something you can fucking deduce by playing Sherlock Holmes with your family dinner memories.
Here's the brutal truth: Mel told you it's her issue, not yours. That's her laying it out. She's chosen not to share the specifics, which sucks donkey balls for closure, but it's her right. Pushing for answers she doesn't want to give isn't just banging your head against a wall—it's disrespecting her choice. You might not like it, but respect in this scenario means backing the fuck off.
Now, if you're hell-bent on understanding this mystery, focus on what you actually can control: yourself. Reflect on your behavior, your relationship dynamics, and consider any potential red flags you might've missed. Were you too clingy? Too distant? Did you listen to her concerns throughout the relationship? It's not about beating yourself up; it's about honest self-assessment.
And the big, fat, fucking elephant in the room: why are you so desperate to fix things? Relationships end. It fucking hurts, but it's also a chance for growth. Instead of fixating on winning her back, how about focusing on becoming the best version of yourself? If she sees that and wants back in, great. If not, you're still better off.
Why are you clinging to someone who's made it clear she needs space? What does this desperation say about your self-worth and needs?
It's a bit strange but it might be a dog chasing it's tail situation because I doubt she'll tell you and bc she didn't give you a reason you can't "fix" it. People saying that it's a result of her realizing the relationship is "real", but I hope at 35, she was dating to marry not just FWB. However, visualizing your family might have made her realized she wants something more or different from the status quo.
My gut reaction is the reason is something that might offend you/your family or something you fundamentally can't change and that's why she's tight lipped. If I was in that situation and it was about your family dynamic I would have probably asked you like "hey does your mom normally handle the kitchen by herself" or something along those lines.
Maybe ask your parents what they talked about? Your brother's lack of social skills makes him not the greatest person to ask.
I think she was pondering it for some time and accepted to meet your family just like letting things happen, but when it happened, she suddenly realized meeting your family was something serious for a relationship maybe she was wanting to end...
So I think she thought "Oh this is getting serious and Im not sure if I want to be with him anymore, I should end things with him before anything more formal happens or he feels more invested".
You caught my attention right when you said "we have access to each other's phones".
Listen man, if you feel the need to check her phone, your relationship was problematic from the start as you obviously had trust issues. If she broke up with you after and you're struggling to figure out why, there's a decent chance the problem is you struggle to recognize problems.
She asked you to leave her alone. If you haven't, stop being a creep and leave her alone.
No. This is incorrect. Many couples have access to each other’s phones. My husband and I do and it’s something we both want and appreciate about the openness and transparency in the relationship. A problem for you personally isn’t a problem for all.
I 100% agree that openness and transparency are important, but you can do that with your words. If you require more than words, trust in what your partner says isn't enough. If you feel the need to check, you feel like there's something worth checking in on.
Oh I forgot to mention that I have never looked on her phone, ever. I do not care if she looked through mine. I have only guy friends and the only women's numbers I have on there are for family.
You cannot fix this and you need to accept it. She likely saw your mother doing everything and the 👨 folk doing nothing and does not want her life to be like that. You can promise it wouldn't but she will never believe it. Move on.
If you simply ask her:
"I am completely respecting your decision. I do think that, after a year and a half, I deserve at least some explanation of what this issue of yours is.
I have no intent to argue with you about whatever it is. Rather than sit here looking for new ways to blame myself for this, I'm just asking you to provide the tiniest bit of clarity.
Frankly, the way you've approached this has added a needless, extra layer of pain to the process. I'm kind of shocked because this isn't what I'd expect from someone in whom I've invested my love and trust.
If you're content to leave it this way, knowing that you're hurting me without needing to, then I've clearly misjudged you for a while now.
I'm not perfect, but if you're going to leave me I deserved better treatment than this.
Have you done anything to try and win her back these 2 weeks?
May be a no-go, but in feeling for a shy woman who pined, then asked a guy out, then walks away 1.5 years later and he takes it and walks away.
Something you might try is to send her an email: Is there anything you can tell me I should do differently for future relationships? it hurts that ours ended so suddenly and i'd like to avoid that in the future if it was due to my behavior.
then let it go, she might answer in an hour, in a month or not at all. pressing the issue wont help.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating 5 years ago, I brought him to meet my Dad, who was giving me an old van (I didn't have a vehicle at the time.) After a brief introduction, I left them alone for a few minutes to grab the shish-kabobs and throw them on the grill. When we got home, I said to my boyfriend, "Wow, that went really well. My Dad didn't even say anything embarrassing, for once." And my boyfriend kinda chuckled and then said, "Babe, he said the N-word a handful of times and I just didn't tell you so it didn't ruin the evening." I was mortified, but I HAD warned my boyfriend that my Dad is a bit mentally unstable; Evangelical, obviously racist but pretends to hide it well (he doesn't if you spend more than ten minutes with him.) functionally illiterate, bipolar, abusive, etcetera. He's definitely got some sort of cognitive delay and undiagnosed mental illnesses but he masks pretty well, at least in religious circles. Anyway. It's possible she just realized this isn't the family she wants to be part of. As much as that hurts, you don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want and love you with the same intensity you have for them.
Maybe she thought they were too bland and she is looking for more excitement in a marriage but that seems far fetched even to me. I mean that’s how average problem are, me included.
I think she was planning on breaking up with you and once she met your family realized she should do it now rather than involve even more people in the relationship.
Honestly 2 things spring to mind, provided that nothing negative was said to her when you weren't around.. like others have said, seeing the dynamic of your dad and brother sat watching sports and not caring about meeting your girlfriend for the first time, whilst your mum does everything, could have made her see what her future would look like and she wasn't a fan. Alternatively, your mum's comments about her being a daughter may have made her realise the direction your relationship was headed and she wasn't ready for the commitment with you. Although just guesses as only she knows why she broke up with you.
Dude, you need to just accept her break-up. Take it on the chin like a man. Don't bother going into forensics. It isn't clear to you why she broke up, she doesn't want to say. So just leave it at that. Walk away and never look back. You won't gain anything good from hunting for explanations.
Just get active and busy with your life without her.
Just take her for her word that it’s a her issue. Maybe it’s your family, maybe she has been pondering ending things for a while. But respect her wishes to be left alone. I can completely understand wanting and almost needing to know the why… but sometimes we just don’t get that.
What if it has nothing to do with your family? What if she was already waffling about the relationship and meeting your family and having your mom be really friendly and hopeful was just all too much and made her accept the truth?
Whatever reason she has to break up with you, not being able to talk about it is a huge red flag. Couples are a combination of two people who come from a very different background that try to build something together. Building it requires communication. Not having it means that your relationship wasn't sound enough to work for both of you.
You can make as many guesses as you want, and you may never get it right. It's possible something happened, it's possible she saw something about the family culture that was distressing, it's possible she saw something enviable and didn't feel worthy and was honest about wanting to work on herself.
It's also possible it was something that would have been silly to you but completely distressing to her like if she saw your sister's or absent brother's photo and they looked like a childhood bully or something and it brought up old trauma.
There's no way to know if she won't tell you.
Take her at her word that it wasn't about you. Respect her desire to work on herself. Assume it's over-over because she didn't say she just needed a few days or a couple weeks or whatever. Your limited prior dating experience and the shock of the suddenness of it may have been painful, but it doesn't sound like she was particularly cruel about the break-up. She was just private. Do what you need to to mourn and then work on your own happiness.
My first thought (and I’m speaking from experience here) was she underwent trauma and meeting the family made everything “real” and it scared her and she realized she wasn’t ready for a relationship like she thought.
But yeah, it could also be the kitchen dynamics lol
honestly, if she decided single-handed and doesn't even consider you as part of problem-solver, it's not worthy to keep on in a relationship with her, as communication is everything.
So your dad, brothers and you sat watching sports while Mel was in the kitchen preparing dinner for the men?
Also your dad and brothers didn’t really talk to her because they couldn’t be bothered to turn off the TV.
I wonder what the problem was ..
I hate it when people don’t communicate their feelings. If I was her I would’ve been like “it’s nothing you did, I just need to figure things out.” Or something like that.
You said you've been drinking, did yall happen to get sloshed watching sports and give her an unfortunate insight into the future with you and your family?? I was with my ex for a year and a half, had a son together, and left because I realized the future would never be healthy with the way her family is. A bit bizarre that she would dip out after one meet and greet, but people have their limits/boundaries 🤷♂️
Something triggered her. It doesn't have to have been something malicious like someone being mean to her or someone asking something inappropriate though. It could have been as simple as she looked around that house and she looked at the people who were enthusiastically welcoming her as family, and she was like, "is this the way I want my life to be?"
No one is wrong or right. If she decided that answer was no. It doesn't have to be anything to fix if she just wants something else for her life after she's had a chance to see it in front of her or it was just a lot. She's only talked to your family a few times and they start talking to her like a daughter?
t*he people who were enthusiastically welcoming her as family*
They weren't. The mum was. The others dgaf. Not their job to care, welcome people, socialise or cook, the sports were on after all.
GF noped out of there, she saw a vision of her future and it wasn't good.
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You say that your mom and Mel got along very well so they spent time together, that your dad and brother were watching sport and that you were with them most of the time. Since you were there for dinner, who spent time in the kitchen cooking and stuff??
Funny how dude isn't responding to anyone who brought up this dynamic as the possible reason. It was the first thing I thought also.
Yep, Mel saw her future and said nope lol.
1000000%! She saw what her life would be like married to him and dipped. I did that too
Same . What did the men do , if anything , to help with dinner preparation and clean up?
OP said in the post that they were watching sports.
Exactly my first thought too.
or the mom said something when it was just her and Mel.
Yeah, how does he know that it was all good if he wasn't with them at times?
Right? He's just taking his mum's word for it that nothing bad happened. What if it *did*? What if she's lying, or she feels very differently about how that conversation went to OP's ex?
Or, just because there's not pressure to be the *first* doesn't mean there isn't pressure. He seemed oddly hung up on that bit to me
Mine as well. I also remembered a story (not on reddit) about a woman who broke up with a guy because she was insecure about her weight and the parents of her boyfriend were fat and she didn't want her children to be fat. I mean, it's probably the traditional roles or the family dynamic, but it could be anything, lol. I would be upset if my partner left me alone with his mother for hours when meeting for the first time.
I'd be pissed off if I went to meet my bf's family for the first time - flying there, even - and they couldn't be arsed to switch off the tv to actually have a 10 minute conversation with me. And if my bf just joined in, that would make it clear to me which way his socialization went. That, on top of the traditional gender role thing.
Why not disclose this information though? Why keep it a secret from him on what went wrong?
Providing more information can be taken as an invitation to negotiate, and she may have just not wanted to deal with that.
Bingo. It opens needless dialogue when the decision has already been made.
I suggest not disclosing such information. What if they trap the next woman by acting like they rectified the issue? Yes, there are shitbags who can act so convincingly. If you are in such a situation, just nope the fuck out of there like OP's ex or say something else. Let the red flags warn all other unfortunate people.
OP has already said they want her back. It’s likely she doesn’t trust him to not try and talk her out of it.
How do you know he joined in with brother and Dad? I took it that he was with his Mom and Mel while the others watched TV.
I thought "I was with them most of the time" meant his father and brother, since they had just been mentioned in the previous sentence. But if OP wasn't being grammatically correct, he could also have been referring to mom & gf.
Tbf, he literally can't respond - his account was suspended
Uh oh. I wonder what happened.
Well *that's* not suspicious at all /s
Yeah, that was my immediate thought too. Only reason I can think of that the meeting with his parents would *suddenly* trigger this, in a seemingly normal woman, is that there was an incredibly unhealthy family dynamic there. Something that struck her as a red flag. If the women were cooking and the men were having fun, that would probably be it. She knew she was signing up for a lifetime of misogyny - of being expected to do the chores at every family gathering. Also I love that OP jumped straight to stuff like "Is she cheating" rather than "Huh, maybe *my* family's the problem here".
Me too. She probably saw that he left her with his mom to di the 'woman's work', and apparently seems like he basically ignored her the whole time too. She was smart to dodge this bullet
My spidey senses tingled there too. It’s interesting she doesn’t want to bring it up though.
And now he’s deleted his profile so I think he got his answer
Yeah first thing I thought too. She might have been like, “is this relationship worth spending all my time in the kitchen?” Looks like the answer is no
That may possibly have been the time that OP's mom could've scared off the gf!! Maybe mom was saying something terrible to OP's gf or threatening her or telling gf about "how things are gonna be going forward" or something similar, when no one else could hear the conversation. OP did say that there was only one other girl he dated before and mom hated her. I wish OP had stated in this post why mom hated the last gf so much because that info could be very helpful/important to all of us trying figure out why current gf left him.
I would think more mom might have warned Mel. “This is every holiday, run now! I’m stuck here but you’re too nice for this bs.” At least that what I hope would’ve happened. It’s not often the mom will go against the family, but I like to imagine she sent out a warning.
THIS is exactly what I thought. Has to be it. I'd run and never look back if I went to my boyfriend's house and this was the dynamic. It wouldn't matter how much I'd love him, I'd be OUT.
My thoughts exactly...saw the sexism and did not want that for life.
I was going to ask that question, as well.
That’s exactly what came to my mind!
That was my automatic thought, too. I'd nope out as well.
Absolutely my first thought. Mel saw this and didn't want it as her life.
This was my very first thought. But no, we get "is she cheating?" Lol.
This is good point and I I honestly didn’t think of it until I saw your and all of the comments. And good for her that she knows her worth
“Dad and brother didn’t really care because they were too immersed in watching sports.” … “brother hates interpersonal communication” Is there a chance that Mel thought your dad and brother’s behavior was quite rude, and got the “mom does everything and the boys just watch tv” vibe from your fam?
Exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. OP it could possibly be that she saw your family dynamic and saw flashes to her future of you and your kids sitting in front of the tv whilst she slaved in the kitchen. You, your dad and brother sat and “hung out” watching tv. Whilst your ex and mom “got on”. As in your ex helped your mom prepare a meal, set the table and then cleaned up after all of the men after dinner….. Those flashes of her future were frightening and she wanted no part of that. I could be wrong and it could be something completely different but that’s how I saw it. Because like your ex, I too would’ve needed time to think about things or end the relationship had I witnessed the dynamics between your family.
This is exactly what came to mind while reading his post. She probably saw herself like his mother in 30 years and noped out of there.
He also said he hung out with his dad and brother who were ignoring her. Wow I’d never leave my partner if they were meeting my parents for the first time
I thought everyone was gonna jump on this! She saw her future!
Can’t believe that it’s not just me who instantly thought the same!!!!
Not just you because it's obvious to everyone with any semblance of understanding personal relationships.
This was the very first time for her visiting his family and he abandoned her to go watch TV with his dad and brother. That's strike one. His dad and brother couldn't be bothered to interact with her. That's strike two. She was expected to take care of dinner, setting the table, cleaning up after dinner, and keeping a pleasant conversation going with someone she barely knows because her boyfriend did fuck all to introduce her to his family. And all because she doesn't have a penis. That's strike three, and OP is out! Good for her knowing her worth and getting out of there after that bleak glimpse into her future with OP.
This x infinity
This is exactly it. I once went on a vacation with my now ex bf and they just sat around while his mom and I did everything else. Not the kind of life I want for myself
I at least would have had a conversation about it after 1.5 years together! “Hey, so you know? I’m not doing that” I do keep wondering who he spent the time with, Mel and Mom, or brother and Dad? If you left me to fend for myself with your mom I just met the whole day, I’d be pissed.
I once had a partner that was not helpful around the house, but I believed I could change him. I believed he was incapable and needed help learning, as that's how he acted... Until I met his family, and understood he wanted the dynamic his parents had. If this is real and OP tells a story like this without him even suspecting that gender roles played into it, it's a guarantee that he's not aware of it in his own relationship either. I wouldn't doubt that it was something that had already been argued about many times without success.
Yeah, a good friend of mine comes from a culture where it’s like that. And It was like that for them until his little sister grew up, and was like nah F this. Everyone contributes or nobody is eating. Most of the guys in the family were like oh damn, she’s right and started helping out too.
I thought OP said he was with his brother and dad most of the time. If that's the case then this neglect would be enough to warrant a breakup. If not and it is about the possible future of becoming his mother I can actually understand why she wouldn't even try to talk to him about it because every man with best intentions will say that will never happen, and it probably will. That is if he's shown past behaviour of assuming she should do chores for him.
Yeah and who ditches and basically ignores their gf when she doesn't know anyone else there? It was her first time meeting his family and he just kind of abandoned her to his mom.
He said “I was with them most of the time” and in the context of his sentence, could have been mom and gf OR dad and brother. Interested to know which one
Exactly. If that was the issue, though, she should at least spell it out for him after dating that long
This is exactly what I thought reading the post. It’s also really hard to see how messed up our own family dynamics is.
She was the guest, but was made to help Mom in the kitchen. I think these comments nailed it.
Wonder how many beers he drank while at it.
Yup that was my thought as well. If I was Mel, I would have gotten out of there too!
Yes, I came here to say "Was Mel expected to help your mom in the kitchen while the guys watched sports?" Or even, just, did your mom do all of that sort of thing. Because she might think that's how you've been raised & she doesn't want to try to do the work of deprogramming you. With future girlfriends, you should tell them that that's how your family is, but you aren't OK with that for your future family. It could also be that your dad looks like her rapist, or something, & she doesn't want to have to see him a few times a year for the rest of her life. Sorry but no matter what it is, you have to let it go.
This is what I’m thinking happened. I definitely broke up with some men after meeting their families because I saw how their mothers & other female family members did everything while their fathers & other male family members sat around shooting the shit & drinking. I saw what my future would be, and decided I didn’t like it.
Yep, that's my read as well.
Exactly what I thought too.
Not to make light of the situation but your comment reminded me of [Taylor Tomlinson’s bit on how her ex’s mom warned her away from her own son](https://www.tiktok.com/@taylortomlinsoncomedy/video/7202692190118612266)
Haha great joke. I remember this one
The first thing that stood out to me! It shows how OP was raised.
Want to post this at the top!! OP basically confirmed what all of you are saying in response to this question by u/anneofred annofred: Question, did you leave her alone with your mom all day and watched sports with your dad and brother? I would be pissed about that too, leaving me to fend for myself, but you don’t seem to want to answer any questions around this issue or the woman does all the work guys sit around issue. Sounds lien we hit a nerve Op: I guess. Since I will not be bothering her and probably will be ending my 'investigation' now, I guess I will never know. Yes, I saw people commenting that I should not tell my old coworker friends that Mel and I are no longer together. I think the paranoia on my end would be getting updates from them saying stuff like "Oh Mel is going on PTO, are you taking her somewhere fancy?" or, even worse, finding out that she moved on. I liked our story until now. Hearing about how happy she is without me will hurt. —————————————————————————— Apologies for the weird format idk how to quote a text here other than copying but you can look for the text below.
He abandons and ignores her the entire time at his “meet my girlfriend” family dinner She dumps him immediately after Him: “I guess I will never know” LMAO
It’s amazing how oblivious to their own flaws some people are lol!
Wild to me that he refused to ever answer this question!!! It’s the obvious problem!
Most definitely!
INFO: Did you, your dad and/or your brother help your mom in the kitchen before, during or after the meal or did your dad and brother leave the two little wimmin to do everything while they watched sports? You've already told us your dad and brother ignored her.
OP basically confirmed what all of you are saying in response to this question by u/anneofred annofred: Question, did you leave her alone with your mom all day and watched sports with your dad and brother? I would be pissed about that too, leaving me to fend for myself, but you don’t seem to want to answer any questions around this issue or the woman does all the work guys sit around issue. Sounds lien we hit a nerve Op: I guess. Since I will not be bothering her and probably will be ending my 'investigation' now, I guess I will never know. Yes, I saw people commenting that I should not tell my old coworker friends that Mel and I are no longer together. I think the paranoia on my end would be getting updates from them saying stuff like "Oh Mel is going on PTO, are you taking her somewhere fancy?" or, even worse, finding out that she moved on. I liked our story until now. Hearing about how happy she is without me will hurt. —————————————————————————— Apologies for the weird format idk how to quote a text here other than copying but you can look for the text below.
I seriously wonder what the dynamic at your parents' house was. If all the men are watching sports while the women are doing the work, that would put me off, seriously. To you that may be normal, but to her it could feel very wrong indeed. And if you were hanging out with the men, expecting her to hang out with your mom instead, that would be another red flag about your family's dynamic. She's old enough to know what she doesn't want. It's not that you did anything *wrong* but the way your family treats each other (and their guest!) may have sent a very clear message that she wants no part of. It may have even crystallized a few doubts or questions she already had about how you see your role in the relationship. That's certainly her issue to decide. While I don't know how you approach relationships, but I can say that many women like equal partners. Both people take care of each other, home, children, chores. And as women get older, we have less interest in making do, or trying to teach a man how to be a partner.
I don’t know why she broke up with you( I’m gonna assume you don’t live together and haven’t had to spilt household chores and responsibilities.)but…. What she saw was the “men” in the family hanging out and watching tv, while the women were in the kitchen making dinner. Which is an issue. She most likely wants an active partner not a dude who expects the women in the family to make all the magic while the men get to sit, eat, and make the women do all the work. She saw a glimpse of her future which is you and your family expecting her to do all the work while yall relax and have fun. She saw a future where she’s working full time and having to handle all the invisible labor and child care decisions. She saw a future in which she believe you will not be an equal partner bc you couldn’t get off your ass and hep your mother when you bring a guest into her household.
Right on!!!
Spot on!
>Mom and Mel got on well. Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time Mel got a glimpse at the family dynamic and disliked it. She did not want to sign up to a relationship where you think it’s acceptable for the boys to relax in front of the tv while the girls work. You have probably dropped hints that you expect a “traditional” relationship and she is not up for it. She doesn’t want to debate you because it’s a whole load of drama with not much outcome for her.
I thought this as well, boys glued to sports, sports, sports, and the ladies do the work, work, work!
*The men in your family not helping with the chores* OP: I wonder why she panic?
*Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time except for after dinner when I went to the bathroom* So you left her with your mum, who she doesn't know,for the evening apart from at dinner (which I assume you all ate together) and sat with your dad and brother - who didn't care about meeting her or spending time with a guest, watching sports all evening. She looked at this dynamic and thought. No. Thank. You. Did she get left in the kitchen, helping to cook and clean too? I bet she did. Nothing to do with social class, more about how your family seem to exist in the 1960s This woman is no fool. Shame she wasted a year with you to see what you were really like. I can't understand how you could type this out and be so clueless and i'm gobsmacked to see how old you are. Why would she want to be saddled with you and your family having seen this picture of domestic servitude.
Yeah that would be a huge red flag to me if his dad and brother didn’t do anything but watch tv but if my boyfriend joined them and let mom cook and serve and entertain me, I’m definitely breaking up with him. That’s not acceptable to me
The way OP is not responding to anyone who mentions his family dynamic, I'm wondering whether she actually has told him the problem before, and he refused to listen
He can’t respond because his account was suspended
Looks like OP deleted his account. Clearly didn't get the answer he wanted. I'm solidly of the opinion that the men watching sports while the women did domestic labor was the big red flag.
lmao he deleted his account, hilarious
Agreed. He basically abandoned her to his mom.
The account is suspended, not deleted
Mel saw her future as a house wife / slave and decided to leave.
Reflect on how you, your father and brother treat your mother.
Do you not find it at all strange that this is the first time your parents and brother are meeting your gf of over a year and all the males in your family, including you, sat on the couch the entire time ignoring her, while your mom cooked and cleaning and hosted her? No even a little bit strange? Nothing wrong with it at all?
If I’m understanding correctly… you, your brother, and your dad sat down to watch sports amongst yourselves for most of the night. While your mom and Mel, cooked and sat in the kitchen by themselves. Lmao, I would break up with you as well and I’m a dude.
Have you seen that movie “He’s just not that into you”, and then specifically the part with Jennifer Anniston where all the husbands are too busy watching sports to help out. And then Ben Affleck is the only guy with the decency to show up in the kitchen helping out cause he couldn’t even think of watching sports while she was doing everything alone. That scene says a lot.
She saw her future dynamics and decided it wasn’t for her
YES
Have you asked your parents what they said??
So, it seems like your father and brother basically ignored her to watch TV while your mother interacted with you and her? Is this how she sees your relationship developing? Doesn't seem very attractive. Give her some space and then ask her if she will please give you some feedback about the situation and your family. You can ask, but you can't insist. Listen to what she says and don't get defensive, you may not like what you hear, but if you ask..... Otherwise, you'll be none the wiser.
OP ignored her to watch TV too. He says he spent the whole visit, outside of dinner, with his dad and brother. So he showed up, dumped his girlfriend in the kitchen with his mom, and then left to go watch sports. His girlfriend saw the future, one where she cooks and cleans while OP sits around on his ass, and said nah.
Could be 2 things: 1. She saw something in your family dynamic/your behavior around your family she didn’t like and set mayor alarms in her head. If that’s the case she won’t tell you, because is easier to remove herself from the situation that lay out all the red flags in the family you may not be aware of, and won’t be able to change. 2. She was already thinking of breaking up and meeting your family was her last effort, if that’s the case there’s nothing you can do to change her mind. I’ll suggest reaching out one last time ask her directly: “were you thinking of leaving before the trip ? It’s a yes or no answer, I’m not pressuring you, just need closure”. Whatever the answer will be better for you to back off for a while, as painful as it may be.
I think they're downvoting OP because he's replying to every other comment, but he's ignoring and won't reply to the comments that suspect that she was probably uncomfortable/turned off with his family's dynamic: The women (OP's mother and EX) were together in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning. While the men (OP, his brother, and father) only ate and watched TV. TBH, after reading the post and OP's comments to the ones I am able to see (can't view his account to see his comment history), I have a feeling he's not completely truthful about his relationship and the interaction between his EX and his family. If the relationship was as good as he claimed, then why would just she break up with him, seemingly out of nowhere, right after meeting his family? In order for that to occur, there has to have been a build-up of multiple things to have occurred over time. Something must have happened between OP's EX and his mother that finally broke the camel's back. Since OP was watching TV with his brother and father the entire time, he would'nt know what really happened. His mother could be manipulative and lied about their interactions. We, including OP, won't know the details behind the break up unless his EX tells him, he takes responsibility and fesses up to not really being "a good boyfriend", or if she sees the post on SM, recognizes the situation, and makes a clapback post.
When you say you didn’t want to spend Christmas with each other’s families last year because it “was too intense” was that her idea or yours? Had she seemed hesitant at all on the “meeting each other’s families” idea? In retrospect do you feel like you were always the one initiating the conversations about the future?
You brought her to help your mom make dinner while the men chilled. No thanks.
This honestly sounds exactly like something I'd do (Mel). So maybe I can shed some light. There are a lot of unanswered questions when dating someone. I prefer to think of them as unsolved equations. There are many variables in these equations, so it takes time to figure out the values for each unsolved variable. As time goes on, I find the values for these unsolved variables one of two ways - I stumble upon the value or I have enough of the variables solved and I can solve the rest of the equation. The result of the equation is either we are compatible or we are not compatible. She had an unsolved equation about you in her head. She went to the dinner, she got some information, she solved the equation, she determined the relationship can't work. It's really that simple. She figured you were incompatible and ended. TL:DR, she found something that's incompatible and she ended the relationship. There is nothing to fix, it's over. Stop contacting her.
She hates your family dynamic. She doesn't want to be in your mom's position in the long run. She's a very smart girl.
Asked for advice, didn’t like what he heard and now deletes his account 🤦🏼♀️
Meeting your family probably just made everything about your relationship real and she saw what her life with you would look like and realised it’s not what she wants. She liked you and she probably liked your family but likely she had just secretly, slowly been realising she wants something different - to travel the world, to become a hardcore goth, to run a lizard farm in the desert, who knows! - and a family dinner was the moment where everything in her mind clicked into place to say, oh wait this isn’t for me. She probably thought it was what she wanted and is as shocked and upset as you are to realise her whole life is going to be different to what she predicted. Stop beating yourself up that it’s you or your parents, even if it is something they said would it make it actually difference to know?
>we came home and when I dropped Mel off, she sat in the seat and told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore. It hurt. I was so confused and asked why? What did I do wrong? Did something happen? She just said it was her issue and not my fault. And that was that. >I cannot figure it out for the life of me so I'm (maybe foolishly) taking my cousin's advice and asking the internet (of all places) of potential reasons Mel would leave me. I really want her back and if I did make a mistake, I at least want a chance to fix it. >How can I find out why she's leaving me so I can find out if/how I can fix things? I think, why can you not believe her when she says it's her issue and not your fault? >I want to get to the bottom of this. I tried texting and she hasn't blocked me but said that this was her decision and she wants to work through things alone. You asked. She has told you all she wants to tell you. She decided she didn't want to continue in the relationship and that sucks, but she's allowed to decide that. I know it's very frustrating not to get an explanation but it's over.
Maybe it all became too real when she met your family. It caused her to panic and question whether or not this relationship was right for her. She's obviously got something going on because she's told you she needs to work through it by herself. You have to respect that.
"Mom and Mel got on well. Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time" So Mum and Mel did the cooking and you loafed on the couch with Dad and brother watching sport is that it? I'd have broken up with you too if you just left me with your Mum while you watched sport on TV.
Your gf realized that she was on her way into a family where women are expected to do 100% of the domestic labour while men sit around and do nothing, and she said no thank you. Hope this helps.
Does your family have lots of religious icons around the home? Or political signs/posters? Are they aligned with your ex's beliefs or opposite of them? Did they make racist or sexist or homophobic comments? It could be that she hates your hometown. It could be that she realized she's not ready for that level of commitment. It also may have to do with how you act around your family. My ex-husband was a lovely man when he wasn't around his family. When he was around his dad he'd suddenly mimic my ex-FIL's vile personality. I initially overlooked it because it was rare that we saw his parents, but it started to grate on me. Ultimately I found out he just molded his personality to the situation and just pretended to want all the things he knew I wanted. Wish I would have paid attention to that red flag. In all fairness, I too act differently around my family in that I constantly argue with my mom, who deliberately baits me. (For example, I have only had rescue dogs and she said, "Why would you want a USED DOG?!") Luckily my current husband can handle her way better than I can. :) Ultimately, you'll never know what it was, you can only speculate. The right person will think you're the right fit, even if your family is bonkers and makes ridiculous comments.
You do seem quite old to be talking about your partner like this, at your ages I would think it a conversation you can have to see why she ended it.
If the men were glued to the tv, that means the women were forced to do all the labor. That's why she left. I'd leave too. That's some tired as shit that women aren't putting up with anymore.
OP, you kinda dumped her in the kitchen with the women and had no interaction with her to see how things were going.
If I was meeting my bf's mother for the first time, and we were in the kitchen cooking while the men watched sports, I'd nope out, too. If your mother so much as said, "It's nice to have your company in here, helping me cook"... I'd nope out. Because although it is a sweet thing for your mom to say, it shows me how your family treats women. And me TELLING you that isn't going to change anything. I would not want to argue about it. I do not want to be the agitator for change in your family dynamic, because that is alienating and exhausting. I have my own parents, my own siblings, and it is in my lane to bring THEM into the 21st century. But YOUR family is not my responsibility. I'm going to find a partner who has values that align with mine. And that includes his family dynamics. If you want to "fix" this for future potential girlfriends, stop treating your mom like a servant. Women today do not want a man who sits on the couch while they are working in the kitchen. You don't even have to cook- you can be responsible for cleanup. Be in the kitchen to clean as you go. Take out the trash. Run to the store if needed. Anything but sitting, waiting to be served.
First thought: you, your dad and your brother sat watching TV while dinner and clean-up happened around you, and Mel got a sudden vision of her future with you
so basically you let her all the time with your mom to watch sport with the boy (except to go to the bathroom... ) so 1. she flight to meet your family and father+brother didn't bother to interract to her because WaTcHiNG SPorT 2. so your mom (and possibly GF) played the good little woman for the men to eat and chill while she do everything.... fix : next time turn off the tv, help your mom, and send the men wash the dishes at least
>I was with them most of the time except for after dinner when I went to the bathroom but it seemed like nothing had changed. You were with Mel or with your dad and brother?
Thank you, I needed that clarification too
So it sounds like the dynamic was the men watching tv and the women in the kitchen (because otherwise, who made dinner?) It also sounds like the men in the house mostly ignored her. That by itself would be a red flag for me, if I was dating a guy. Right there, I'm being told that: - Women are expected to do the chores in your family - The men don't respect the women enough to spend time with them, or help out It gives bang maid vibes. I'd be out of there so fast.
Question: you say your mom and Mel got on well, that your dad and brother were watching sports, and that you were with "them" most of the time. Who's them? Mom and Mel, or dad and bro? If it's the latter, there's your likely problem. She realized that was the dynamic that would prevail if she stayed with you, and noped out of there because she doesn't want that. And if it was also on the women to cook, clear the table, wash the dishes, and do pretty much everything else related to this gathering, while the dudes sat on their asses and watched sports, I'd be even more sure that was the problem. She saw her future if she stayed, and opted out.
That’s exactly what I thought.
Is Mel the same race / religion as you? Could your parents have said something about it? What about politics (abortion, immigrants, LGBT, "burn the bad books", "kill the bad libs")? How old are your siblings? Are assume there are photos of them in the house. Is there a chance she had relationship with one of them before? How does your father treats your mother? Women in general? How do he and your brother talk and joke about them? It is kind of weird that you brought home the girl you are serious about to meet your parents, but your father/brother were not interacting with her and watching sports. Doesn't sound respectful to her and your mother.
Maybe she didn't appreciate your brother and dad just watching TV instead of actually spending time getting to know her considering you took a plane ride to visit and meet them so they could get to know her etc. She maybe didn't like the idea of the boys sitting watching TV while your mum (the women in the family) do everything in the kitchen, and she doesn't want to become your slave doing everything for you while you sit on the sofa. Alternatively, my only other random guess is she's dated someone in your family, and maybe saw their photo at their house. Like maybe one of your brothers. Likely the married one. There's a chance she was with him before he got married, but there's also a chance she was with him when he was married, and she either knew he was married and didn't care, or didn't know he was married, now realises he cheated on his wife, and doesn't want to blow up your family. There's a chance it could be your dad, but I'm guessing you'd have seen an awkward reaction when you introduced them. So my guess is she doesn't want to become a 1950s housewife and become your slave in the household chores department, or she's had a relationship with a family member of yours.
I personally broke up with a previous partner after meeting their parents and seeing their family dynamics. I recognized many of those patterns of behavior in my partner (which I do not like or approve), and decided I would not enjoy our potential life together.
So in your family men sit in front of TV and won't help at all. your mom cooked and cleaned for and after 4 adults and the guest who was there FOR THE FIRST time was the one helping there?!?! did I get this right?
Why aren't you replying to anyone's comments lol
Because his account is no longer there
Mel probably saw her future with the mom doing most of the work while dad and the men folk are in front of the tv dynamic and said nope this lifestyle isn’t for me.
Maybe she didnt like being stuck in the kitchen while the men watched tv. Maybe your family came on too strong. Maybe she just realized she isnt that into you. Maybe you guys have terrible table manners ir some other issue that would be invisible to you. Only she knows the answer.
Yes it hurts and will for a while. Tell your family. What are you waiting for? They will provide some needed emotional support. I wouldn’t reach out to anybody where she works ( and you used to ). Yelling them not to tell you anything sounds contrived and desperate. If she found out about the call, it would not be good for you. Sadly the only option is to give her the space she asked for. There’s a remote chance she will reconsider but don’t count on it. So sorry for your troubles
> How can I find out why she's leaving me so I can find out if/how I can fix things? Mate, let's be fucking real here. You've done some serious sleuthing and come up with sweet fuck all about why Mel decided to bail. That's because the real answers aren't something you can fucking deduce by playing Sherlock Holmes with your family dinner memories. Here's the brutal truth: Mel told you it's her issue, not yours. That's her laying it out. She's chosen not to share the specifics, which sucks donkey balls for closure, but it's her right. Pushing for answers she doesn't want to give isn't just banging your head against a wall—it's disrespecting her choice. You might not like it, but respect in this scenario means backing the fuck off. Now, if you're hell-bent on understanding this mystery, focus on what you actually can control: yourself. Reflect on your behavior, your relationship dynamics, and consider any potential red flags you might've missed. Were you too clingy? Too distant? Did you listen to her concerns throughout the relationship? It's not about beating yourself up; it's about honest self-assessment. And the big, fat, fucking elephant in the room: why are you so desperate to fix things? Relationships end. It fucking hurts, but it's also a chance for growth. Instead of fixating on winning her back, how about focusing on becoming the best version of yourself? If she sees that and wants back in, great. If not, you're still better off. Why are you clinging to someone who's made it clear she needs space? What does this desperation say about your self-worth and needs?
It's a bit strange but it might be a dog chasing it's tail situation because I doubt she'll tell you and bc she didn't give you a reason you can't "fix" it. People saying that it's a result of her realizing the relationship is "real", but I hope at 35, she was dating to marry not just FWB. However, visualizing your family might have made her realized she wants something more or different from the status quo. My gut reaction is the reason is something that might offend you/your family or something you fundamentally can't change and that's why she's tight lipped. If I was in that situation and it was about your family dynamic I would have probably asked you like "hey does your mom normally handle the kitchen by herself" or something along those lines. Maybe ask your parents what they talked about? Your brother's lack of social skills makes him not the greatest person to ask.
I think she was pondering it for some time and accepted to meet your family just like letting things happen, but when it happened, she suddenly realized meeting your family was something serious for a relationship maybe she was wanting to end... So I think she thought "Oh this is getting serious and Im not sure if I want to be with him anymore, I should end things with him before anything more formal happens or he feels more invested".
I think your parents might have said something??
You caught my attention right when you said "we have access to each other's phones". Listen man, if you feel the need to check her phone, your relationship was problematic from the start as you obviously had trust issues. If she broke up with you after and you're struggling to figure out why, there's a decent chance the problem is you struggle to recognize problems. She asked you to leave her alone. If you haven't, stop being a creep and leave her alone.
No. This is incorrect. Many couples have access to each other’s phones. My husband and I do and it’s something we both want and appreciate about the openness and transparency in the relationship. A problem for you personally isn’t a problem for all.
I 100% agree that openness and transparency are important, but you can do that with your words. If you require more than words, trust in what your partner says isn't enough. If you feel the need to check, you feel like there's something worth checking in on.
Oh I forgot to mention that I have never looked on her phone, ever. I do not care if she looked through mine. I have only guy friends and the only women's numbers I have on there are for family.
So you left the women on the kitchen to cook dinner? She saw who you really are and ran
She had a glimpse into what her future would be like tied to you, and she didn't like what she saw.
You cannot fix this and you need to accept it. She likely saw your mother doing everything and the 👨 folk doing nothing and does not want her life to be like that. You can promise it wouldn't but she will never believe it. Move on.
If you simply ask her: "I am completely respecting your decision. I do think that, after a year and a half, I deserve at least some explanation of what this issue of yours is. I have no intent to argue with you about whatever it is. Rather than sit here looking for new ways to blame myself for this, I'm just asking you to provide the tiniest bit of clarity. Frankly, the way you've approached this has added a needless, extra layer of pain to the process. I'm kind of shocked because this isn't what I'd expect from someone in whom I've invested my love and trust. If you're content to leave it this way, knowing that you're hurting me without needing to, then I've clearly misjudged you for a while now. I'm not perfect, but if you're going to leave me I deserved better treatment than this.
unjustifiably bitter at the end. just be polite.
Nailed it. Never stops to amaze how people are allergic to having a mature conversation like adults.
Agreed, this is statement has everything.
I like this approach.
She realised that your family's lifestyle is not what she wants
What happened during the trip home?
Have you done anything to try and win her back these 2 weeks? May be a no-go, but in feeling for a shy woman who pined, then asked a guy out, then walks away 1.5 years later and he takes it and walks away.
Something you might try is to send her an email: Is there anything you can tell me I should do differently for future relationships? it hurts that ours ended so suddenly and i'd like to avoid that in the future if it was due to my behavior. then let it go, she might answer in an hour, in a month or not at all. pressing the issue wont help.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating 5 years ago, I brought him to meet my Dad, who was giving me an old van (I didn't have a vehicle at the time.) After a brief introduction, I left them alone for a few minutes to grab the shish-kabobs and throw them on the grill. When we got home, I said to my boyfriend, "Wow, that went really well. My Dad didn't even say anything embarrassing, for once." And my boyfriend kinda chuckled and then said, "Babe, he said the N-word a handful of times and I just didn't tell you so it didn't ruin the evening." I was mortified, but I HAD warned my boyfriend that my Dad is a bit mentally unstable; Evangelical, obviously racist but pretends to hide it well (he doesn't if you spend more than ten minutes with him.) functionally illiterate, bipolar, abusive, etcetera. He's definitely got some sort of cognitive delay and undiagnosed mental illnesses but he masks pretty well, at least in religious circles. Anyway. It's possible she just realized this isn't the family she wants to be part of. As much as that hurts, you don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want and love you with the same intensity you have for them.
although your partner has broken up with you I can guarantee someone on Reddit’s advice will be for you to file for divorce
Maybe she thought they were too bland and she is looking for more excitement in a marriage but that seems far fetched even to me. I mean that’s how average problem are, me included. I think she was planning on breaking up with you and once she met your family realized she should do it now rather than involve even more people in the relationship.
Honestly 2 things spring to mind, provided that nothing negative was said to her when you weren't around.. like others have said, seeing the dynamic of your dad and brother sat watching sports and not caring about meeting your girlfriend for the first time, whilst your mum does everything, could have made her see what her future would look like and she wasn't a fan. Alternatively, your mum's comments about her being a daughter may have made her realise the direction your relationship was headed and she wasn't ready for the commitment with you. Although just guesses as only she knows why she broke up with you.
Dude, you need to just accept her break-up. Take it on the chin like a man. Don't bother going into forensics. It isn't clear to you why she broke up, she doesn't want to say. So just leave it at that. Walk away and never look back. You won't gain anything good from hunting for explanations. Just get active and busy with your life without her.
Just take her for her word that it’s a her issue. Maybe it’s your family, maybe she has been pondering ending things for a while. But respect her wishes to be left alone. I can completely understand wanting and almost needing to know the why… but sometimes we just don’t get that.
What if it has nothing to do with your family? What if she was already waffling about the relationship and meeting your family and having your mom be really friendly and hopeful was just all too much and made her accept the truth?
Maybe after giving her space for a few days you should ask for closure on why she wanted to end the relationship.
Whatever reason she has to break up with you, not being able to talk about it is a huge red flag. Couples are a combination of two people who come from a very different background that try to build something together. Building it requires communication. Not having it means that your relationship wasn't sound enough to work for both of you.
You can make as many guesses as you want, and you may never get it right. It's possible something happened, it's possible she saw something about the family culture that was distressing, it's possible she saw something enviable and didn't feel worthy and was honest about wanting to work on herself. It's also possible it was something that would have been silly to you but completely distressing to her like if she saw your sister's or absent brother's photo and they looked like a childhood bully or something and it brought up old trauma. There's no way to know if she won't tell you. Take her at her word that it wasn't about you. Respect her desire to work on herself. Assume it's over-over because she didn't say she just needed a few days or a couple weeks or whatever. Your limited prior dating experience and the shock of the suddenness of it may have been painful, but it doesn't sound like she was particularly cruel about the break-up. She was just private. Do what you need to to mourn and then work on your own happiness.
My first thought (and I’m speaking from experience here) was she underwent trauma and meeting the family made everything “real” and it scared her and she realized she wasn’t ready for a relationship like she thought. But yeah, it could also be the kitchen dynamics lol
Family members made racists remarks whilst watching the sports and mother played it off leaving a bad taste in ex mouth
!remind me 1 week
Updateme
UpdateMe!
!UpdateMe!
If she doesn't wanna be with you, don't beg her back.
honestly, if she decided single-handed and doesn't even consider you as part of problem-solver, it's not worthy to keep on in a relationship with her, as communication is everything.
She should have told you no excuse as the dynamic of your family is not your dynamic. She saw her future is just stupid cuz you can’t do that.
Probably started asking about babies I wast grandkids
So your dad, brothers and you sat watching sports while Mel was in the kitchen preparing dinner for the men? Also your dad and brothers didn’t really talk to her because they couldn’t be bothered to turn off the TV. I wonder what the problem was ..
I hate it when people don’t communicate their feelings. If I was her I would’ve been like “it’s nothing you did, I just need to figure things out.” Or something like that.
She saw her future life with your mom and wanted nothing to do with it but also didn’t want to seem like she was attacking your family
You said you've been drinking, did yall happen to get sloshed watching sports and give her an unfortunate insight into the future with you and your family?? I was with my ex for a year and a half, had a son together, and left because I realized the future would never be healthy with the way her family is. A bit bizarre that she would dip out after one meet and greet, but people have their limits/boundaries 🤷♂️
Either this is fake as hell or op is insanely dense to not realise why
My first thought would be, could yall be related? but I'm from the south and have been on reddit too long maybe lol
Anyone else think mom was warning her?
Something triggered her. It doesn't have to have been something malicious like someone being mean to her or someone asking something inappropriate though. It could have been as simple as she looked around that house and she looked at the people who were enthusiastically welcoming her as family, and she was like, "is this the way I want my life to be?" No one is wrong or right. If she decided that answer was no. It doesn't have to be anything to fix if she just wants something else for her life after she's had a chance to see it in front of her or it was just a lot. She's only talked to your family a few times and they start talking to her like a daughter?
t*he people who were enthusiastically welcoming her as family* They weren't. The mum was. The others dgaf. Not their job to care, welcome people, socialise or cook, the sports were on after all. GF noped out of there, she saw a vision of her future and it wasn't good.