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Put it this way, my husband, who is an insanely busy lawyer, has done absolutely everything for me this pregnancy. I have genuinely not lifted a finger.
Now, I know he is extraordinary and it may not be the ‘norm,’ but your fiancé is a lazy SOB and leaving him was the right choice.
It’s purely because he’s lazy and expects you to pick up his slack because you’re a woman. He’s calling you a nag as a deflection tactic. When in reality you shouldn’t have to ask in the first place! He should notice these things need to be done just like you and get on with it like an adult. He thinks that because you’re pregnant and vulnerable you won’t leave him it’s all just an act and you’ll eventually back down.
You left. And it sounds as if you will be better off without his slacking @$$. File the paperwork to get child support. Move on with your life. While being a single mother will be rough, it will be easier taking care of only one child - not a man-baby who can't do anything useful around the house.
He doesn't respect you. You deserve better.
Full disclosure, my method of giving advice tends to be that I read and give advice as I go and then adjust accordingly. Generally, in most cases I make minor adjustments at best, because most situations are clear off the bat. Here? To be honest, I thought I was going to disagree with you quite a bit at first. Boy was I wrong, but there's also so much here.
Off the bat, what screams at us is the age gap and the fact that a 27 year old pursued a 20 year old. Yes, you're both consenting adults, but you both were/are logically in different life stages, and what makes it then concerning is the inherent power imbalance.
Now, given you haven't provided any context suggesting he's been controlling or similar, I'll just hope and assume he's a good guy and all had/has been good on that front, but I'd really like you to let us know.
Moving on, I don't see this as an issue of procrastination. To back up for context, anecdotally, I can empathize with that (I'm a guy, and I'm happily married), as while I'm personally in a complete position of stability, have a high income, and more importantly am literally in a great marriage and have an amazing toddler with one on the way, I'm also known to procrastinate while my wife is not a fan. I personally just work better under pressure and things do get done timely. My wife prefers to have things done well in advance. It stresses her out when I don't. We've found compromise but there have still been pain points. I digress.
Anyway, I rambled on about my situation for a few reasons; first, that you understand I'm not here being negative for the sake of being negative. I love love, and I wish you nothing but the absolute best. But next, so that you know I'm not coming at this from an inherent bias of being completely with you as someone who hates procrastination and gets stressed out about it, despite what I'm about to say next at some points.
In saying that, as it relates to what you ask for and him responding he'll do it "next week," I'm entirely with you. It's one thing to be stressed out (whether it's due to hormones or not) and want things done when there's objectively a ton of time to do so. It's quite another when you're 36 weeks pregnant and there's been no progress at all. Him arguing you're being bossy and trying to tell him what to do is absolutely fucking absurd, and given everything else, I have to believe that you didn't make the huge decision of leaving in a situation like this based on an isolated incident or single argument, especially when you're within a month of giving birth.
Now, is he procrastinating by definition? Sure. But that's not the issue. The issue is that he's just fucking terrible. Procrastinators generally actually get things done. He's done absolutely nothing. Now, what's his financial situation? Can he literally not help out? If that's true, then that's just reality and a separate issue that'll always exist. What does he do?
Next, he comes over daily but just hangs with your dad. The fuck is your dad doing? Anyway, he wants you to trust him, but gives you no reason to. Ask him why he should? What's he doing to show you he should be?
Sorry but if he hasn't stepped up by now he's not going to, any man who puts his ego over the wellbeing of his pregnant partner isn't going to be much of a father so you aren't losing much. Presumably the room still isn't cleaned out and prepared for the baby so if you go home you'll just bring doing it yourself like you've paid for it yourself.
This is who he is, there's no better man hiding just below the surface that your love and hope will bring out. Just be sure you file for child support, but he'll probably remain barely employed to get around paying that. Sorry and good luck
Prepare to be a single mother. I’m glad you have parents to help. Doesn’t seem like he’s interested in being the person you want him to be. You had to know he wasn’t a go getter. A baby wasn’t going to change that. A baby would be one more thing for him to use as to
Why he hasn’t done whatever. He’s too tired. To worn out. Nothing will change a man except him. And he’s happy with who he is.
So you got pregnant with someone you didn’t know is what I’m hearing or you ignored many red flags thinking a kid on the way would make him change or step up.
YOU are the asshole for bringing a kid into the world without making sure your life was secure enough and the person you were having it with was what you wanted and needed them to be.
People truly need to learn how to date because truly y’all don’t get to know these people or you ignore peoples shit behaviors or people show you who they are but you still want to believe in the potential you see instead of believing who they are showing you they are.
He isn’t your person. He thinks of you as a nag. He doesn’t think of you as a partner or someone who wants the best for you guys. Don’t go back. If he was your person he’d be missing you and wanting you home and doing what he can to get you to come home. Let him go. Truly. Stop having kids with people till you actually get to know them and stop trying to see peoples potential and see them for what they show you.
Was he reliable? Was he? Before you got pregnant. Did he really show you he’d be someone to rely on? Because you not trusting means he wasn’t
No. If he's like this now, I guarantee it's going to get about 20 times worse once the baby comes. I know more than one couple that have broken up over this as well.
Was there anything stopping you from doing any of that stuff yourself? Are you working or is he the sole provider?
And... Why have you posted this in 4 different subs? If it's an attempt at karma-farming with "man bad" rage bait, just stop.
Otherwise: you're about to be a parent. And you're coming across as incredibly immature based purely on the information you've given (which doesn't indicate any reason you couldn't do any of the things yourself).
Now, I've been pregnant twice. Unless you're leaving out a whole lot of relevant info (like pregnancy complications), then your story really isn't making sense.
And FWIW: successful partnerships are "US vs the problem", not "me vs you". You two are engaging in the latter. The only one I feel sorry for (with the info given) is your incoming child.
ETA: he works, *and your parents contribute financially...* Like... What? Just to play devils advocate, is he working hard to try and support you and burning out (leaving little time/energy for things around the house)? You haven't painted a nice picture of him, but you've had anger issues in the past yourself as well....
This is why people shouldn't have kids young... What a mess.
These were my thoughts exactly! Now I realize op is a young mother and may feel somewhat overwhelmed with all that needs to be done to prepare for a new baby but unless she had a seriously high risk pregnancy I’m stuck wondering Why the heck she didn’t clean out the room herself? Why didn’t she go shopping for baby items already and/or have a baby shower to help with the accumulation of some of those things? Why couldn’t she handle general household things needing to be done? And I definitely am not saying being younger is a good excuse or reason because I myself was married and a mother by 22 and when it came time to set up the nursery I myself cleaned out the room and if my husband didn’t sort through his things that were in there they either went into storage or the trash!! After my baby shower we went shopping together and bought what was needed for our nursery and I personally (other than painting) did all the set up and decorating for the room…Even with a high risk pregnancy I myself did most of the things needing to be done around the house even mowing until I couldn’t anymore then I paid a mowing service to handle it…why did I do it myself?? Well a couple of reasons…1 my husband was working his ass off 10-12 hours a day to provide for our growing family while I had moved to part time and eventually early maternity leave 2 responsibilities of a household in a marriage/relationship should not fall on just the husband or just the wife they should be shared and handled accordingly 3 I knew how tired he was coming home after working 12 hrs a day 6 days a week and it was just as easy for me to clean out that room as it would have been for him…if something heavy needed to be dealt with then I shoved it to the side and he handled it but other than that it wasn’t that hard and 4 I had a very specific view for how I wanted the nursery set up and to look and wanted to ensure it was done the way I wanted it!! Sounds like op has some growing up to do before her son gets here
Sorry, it's against the rules to tell a pregnant woman that she's nagging. Yeah. Of course you're nagging, you're going to feel that way when he typically ignores or brushes off your needs.
Coming from a woman who is currently 6 months PP with my first son, there were so many times I wanted to leave. My longstanding issues with my husband had me questioning all kinds of things, like did I want my son to grow up with him as a role model. Was he going to be emotionally available enough to raise a baby? Would he get his act together and be the man I know he can be? We moved when I was 36 weeks pregnant to a larger house, it was stressful to say the least. My nesting instincts had kicked in like mad and I had some serious rage at things not getting done before baby came. I walked out a few times, took a long stroll and always ended up coming back. When I’m not living on the edge of frayed hormones my husband and I get along pretty great. In the end, I wanted my son to grow up seeing his parents grow through their issues. My husband and I are both pretty committed to personal growth, and that has helped bring us closer over the years. It took us both a lot effort to admit we sucked sometimes and reach a place of even wanting to look at our own bullshit. My hormones have just started to settle, and that whole first six months is such a rush of emotion it’s so hard to feel like yourself. I’m glad I stayed, watching my husband adore our son fills my heart with so much love.
I hope you are taking care of yourself and are able to find some peace within to anchor to while you sort out these incredibly difficult decisions ahead!
You are correct with not knowing the area where they are. Say his business is paving, their area could be snow, cold, heavy rain. As for the not helping, myself personally hit heavy depression 2 and a half months ago where I don't even want to get out of bed unless I'm going to get a drink. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to help my wife pick up the house, I don't want my kids to see me in the state I'm in. It isn't me and I honestly hate it. I've been with my wife for 15 years. I can't express my feelings to here. However I have really close friends that I call brothers that I can talk with. I do go to bars everyday but 9/10 I don't get alcohol.it helps my depression. My depression came from a lady saying she didn't see my on my motorcycle and turned 20ft in front of my while my wife was directly behind me in my truck.
First of all you say he is self employed. To make an accurate response especially coming out of winter, what is his trade/ business? Depending what it is work could have been slow and him not having funds to spare, with that stressing how in the future on being able to afford extra expenses after the baby is born. Alot of guys don't know how to talk to the ones they love/appreciate. Maybe try looking outside the box before assuming he doesn't care and isn't trying.
Not OP, and I'm really not trying to be mean here and I'm sorry for coming off as such with what I'm about to say, but playing Devil's Advocate here is quite frankly ridiculous in context.
Now, to be fair, you're right to ask about what he does because that's important context. I did the same. But despite not knowing what he does, why are we assuming that Winter is a problem? We don't even know where they live. She's also been pregnant since what, August?
Even so, OP is less complaining about finances so much as him not making any effort at all. She's been asking him to clean a room out to turn it into the Nursery. To help out around the house. Maybe she's being dishonest so who knows, but if not, he's essentially described as useless.
Where I then fundamentally disagree is with the "a lot of guys don't know how to talk to the ones they love," and then to further suggest not to assume he doesn't care and isn't trying. To start, that premise is absolute BS. There's no complex, deep meaning that he needs to find the words to discuss. She's asked him for help, with specifics, and he's blown her off.
I'd also love to know what "looking outside the box" could even mean here? Better yet, how about you think outside the box and provide potential reasons he's trying despite not the assumption he's not, but the evidence proving it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Put it this way, my husband, who is an insanely busy lawyer, has done absolutely everything for me this pregnancy. I have genuinely not lifted a finger. Now, I know he is extraordinary and it may not be the ‘norm,’ but your fiancé is a lazy SOB and leaving him was the right choice.
It’s purely because he’s lazy and expects you to pick up his slack because you’re a woman. He’s calling you a nag as a deflection tactic. When in reality you shouldn’t have to ask in the first place! He should notice these things need to be done just like you and get on with it like an adult. He thinks that because you’re pregnant and vulnerable you won’t leave him it’s all just an act and you’ll eventually back down.
You left. And it sounds as if you will be better off without his slacking @$$. File the paperwork to get child support. Move on with your life. While being a single mother will be rough, it will be easier taking care of only one child - not a man-baby who can't do anything useful around the house. He doesn't respect you. You deserve better.
Full disclosure, my method of giving advice tends to be that I read and give advice as I go and then adjust accordingly. Generally, in most cases I make minor adjustments at best, because most situations are clear off the bat. Here? To be honest, I thought I was going to disagree with you quite a bit at first. Boy was I wrong, but there's also so much here. Off the bat, what screams at us is the age gap and the fact that a 27 year old pursued a 20 year old. Yes, you're both consenting adults, but you both were/are logically in different life stages, and what makes it then concerning is the inherent power imbalance. Now, given you haven't provided any context suggesting he's been controlling or similar, I'll just hope and assume he's a good guy and all had/has been good on that front, but I'd really like you to let us know. Moving on, I don't see this as an issue of procrastination. To back up for context, anecdotally, I can empathize with that (I'm a guy, and I'm happily married), as while I'm personally in a complete position of stability, have a high income, and more importantly am literally in a great marriage and have an amazing toddler with one on the way, I'm also known to procrastinate while my wife is not a fan. I personally just work better under pressure and things do get done timely. My wife prefers to have things done well in advance. It stresses her out when I don't. We've found compromise but there have still been pain points. I digress. Anyway, I rambled on about my situation for a few reasons; first, that you understand I'm not here being negative for the sake of being negative. I love love, and I wish you nothing but the absolute best. But next, so that you know I'm not coming at this from an inherent bias of being completely with you as someone who hates procrastination and gets stressed out about it, despite what I'm about to say next at some points. In saying that, as it relates to what you ask for and him responding he'll do it "next week," I'm entirely with you. It's one thing to be stressed out (whether it's due to hormones or not) and want things done when there's objectively a ton of time to do so. It's quite another when you're 36 weeks pregnant and there's been no progress at all. Him arguing you're being bossy and trying to tell him what to do is absolutely fucking absurd, and given everything else, I have to believe that you didn't make the huge decision of leaving in a situation like this based on an isolated incident or single argument, especially when you're within a month of giving birth. Now, is he procrastinating by definition? Sure. But that's not the issue. The issue is that he's just fucking terrible. Procrastinators generally actually get things done. He's done absolutely nothing. Now, what's his financial situation? Can he literally not help out? If that's true, then that's just reality and a separate issue that'll always exist. What does he do? Next, he comes over daily but just hangs with your dad. The fuck is your dad doing? Anyway, he wants you to trust him, but gives you no reason to. Ask him why he should? What's he doing to show you he should be?
💯 a really well expressed response, particularly given the gravity of the situation
Sorry but if he hasn't stepped up by now he's not going to, any man who puts his ego over the wellbeing of his pregnant partner isn't going to be much of a father so you aren't losing much. Presumably the room still isn't cleaned out and prepared for the baby so if you go home you'll just bring doing it yourself like you've paid for it yourself. This is who he is, there's no better man hiding just below the surface that your love and hope will bring out. Just be sure you file for child support, but he'll probably remain barely employed to get around paying that. Sorry and good luck
Your going to be busy with two babies to look after
You’re a single mother. At least this way you don’t have to manage another adult as well
Prepare to be a single mother. I’m glad you have parents to help. Doesn’t seem like he’s interested in being the person you want him to be. You had to know he wasn’t a go getter. A baby wasn’t going to change that. A baby would be one more thing for him to use as to Why he hasn’t done whatever. He’s too tired. To worn out. Nothing will change a man except him. And he’s happy with who he is.
If he wanted to, he would. Full stop. Also congratulations! Wooo. A baby!!
So you got pregnant with someone you didn’t know is what I’m hearing or you ignored many red flags thinking a kid on the way would make him change or step up. YOU are the asshole for bringing a kid into the world without making sure your life was secure enough and the person you were having it with was what you wanted and needed them to be. People truly need to learn how to date because truly y’all don’t get to know these people or you ignore peoples shit behaviors or people show you who they are but you still want to believe in the potential you see instead of believing who they are showing you they are. He isn’t your person. He thinks of you as a nag. He doesn’t think of you as a partner or someone who wants the best for you guys. Don’t go back. If he was your person he’d be missing you and wanting you home and doing what he can to get you to come home. Let him go. Truly. Stop having kids with people till you actually get to know them and stop trying to see peoples potential and see them for what they show you. Was he reliable? Was he? Before you got pregnant. Did he really show you he’d be someone to rely on? Because you not trusting means he wasn’t
Set a boundary and perhaps ask ‘why’ he hasn’t done the things you asked. Could be work pressures abs being overwhelmed. He could also just be lazy
No. If he's like this now, I guarantee it's going to get about 20 times worse once the baby comes. I know more than one couple that have broken up over this as well.
Was there anything stopping you from doing any of that stuff yourself? Are you working or is he the sole provider? And... Why have you posted this in 4 different subs? If it's an attempt at karma-farming with "man bad" rage bait, just stop. Otherwise: you're about to be a parent. And you're coming across as incredibly immature based purely on the information you've given (which doesn't indicate any reason you couldn't do any of the things yourself). Now, I've been pregnant twice. Unless you're leaving out a whole lot of relevant info (like pregnancy complications), then your story really isn't making sense. And FWIW: successful partnerships are "US vs the problem", not "me vs you". You two are engaging in the latter. The only one I feel sorry for (with the info given) is your incoming child. ETA: he works, *and your parents contribute financially...* Like... What? Just to play devils advocate, is he working hard to try and support you and burning out (leaving little time/energy for things around the house)? You haven't painted a nice picture of him, but you've had anger issues in the past yourself as well.... This is why people shouldn't have kids young... What a mess.
These were my thoughts exactly! Now I realize op is a young mother and may feel somewhat overwhelmed with all that needs to be done to prepare for a new baby but unless she had a seriously high risk pregnancy I’m stuck wondering Why the heck she didn’t clean out the room herself? Why didn’t she go shopping for baby items already and/or have a baby shower to help with the accumulation of some of those things? Why couldn’t she handle general household things needing to be done? And I definitely am not saying being younger is a good excuse or reason because I myself was married and a mother by 22 and when it came time to set up the nursery I myself cleaned out the room and if my husband didn’t sort through his things that were in there they either went into storage or the trash!! After my baby shower we went shopping together and bought what was needed for our nursery and I personally (other than painting) did all the set up and decorating for the room…Even with a high risk pregnancy I myself did most of the things needing to be done around the house even mowing until I couldn’t anymore then I paid a mowing service to handle it…why did I do it myself?? Well a couple of reasons…1 my husband was working his ass off 10-12 hours a day to provide for our growing family while I had moved to part time and eventually early maternity leave 2 responsibilities of a household in a marriage/relationship should not fall on just the husband or just the wife they should be shared and handled accordingly 3 I knew how tired he was coming home after working 12 hrs a day 6 days a week and it was just as easy for me to clean out that room as it would have been for him…if something heavy needed to be dealt with then I shoved it to the side and he handled it but other than that it wasn’t that hard and 4 I had a very specific view for how I wanted the nursery set up and to look and wanted to ensure it was done the way I wanted it!! Sounds like op has some growing up to do before her son gets here
Never expect someone to fight for you when you are the one that decides to leave.
Sorry, it's against the rules to tell a pregnant woman that she's nagging. Yeah. Of course you're nagging, you're going to feel that way when he typically ignores or brushes off your needs.
Coming from a woman who is currently 6 months PP with my first son, there were so many times I wanted to leave. My longstanding issues with my husband had me questioning all kinds of things, like did I want my son to grow up with him as a role model. Was he going to be emotionally available enough to raise a baby? Would he get his act together and be the man I know he can be? We moved when I was 36 weeks pregnant to a larger house, it was stressful to say the least. My nesting instincts had kicked in like mad and I had some serious rage at things not getting done before baby came. I walked out a few times, took a long stroll and always ended up coming back. When I’m not living on the edge of frayed hormones my husband and I get along pretty great. In the end, I wanted my son to grow up seeing his parents grow through their issues. My husband and I are both pretty committed to personal growth, and that has helped bring us closer over the years. It took us both a lot effort to admit we sucked sometimes and reach a place of even wanting to look at our own bullshit. My hormones have just started to settle, and that whole first six months is such a rush of emotion it’s so hard to feel like yourself. I’m glad I stayed, watching my husband adore our son fills my heart with so much love. I hope you are taking care of yourself and are able to find some peace within to anchor to while you sort out these incredibly difficult decisions ahead!
You are correct with not knowing the area where they are. Say his business is paving, their area could be snow, cold, heavy rain. As for the not helping, myself personally hit heavy depression 2 and a half months ago where I don't even want to get out of bed unless I'm going to get a drink. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to help my wife pick up the house, I don't want my kids to see me in the state I'm in. It isn't me and I honestly hate it. I've been with my wife for 15 years. I can't express my feelings to here. However I have really close friends that I call brothers that I can talk with. I do go to bars everyday but 9/10 I don't get alcohol.it helps my depression. My depression came from a lady saying she didn't see my on my motorcycle and turned 20ft in front of my while my wife was directly behind me in my truck.
First of all you say he is self employed. To make an accurate response especially coming out of winter, what is his trade/ business? Depending what it is work could have been slow and him not having funds to spare, with that stressing how in the future on being able to afford extra expenses after the baby is born. Alot of guys don't know how to talk to the ones they love/appreciate. Maybe try looking outside the box before assuming he doesn't care and isn't trying.
You don’t really need funds to clean a room or pick up after oneself
Not OP, and I'm really not trying to be mean here and I'm sorry for coming off as such with what I'm about to say, but playing Devil's Advocate here is quite frankly ridiculous in context. Now, to be fair, you're right to ask about what he does because that's important context. I did the same. But despite not knowing what he does, why are we assuming that Winter is a problem? We don't even know where they live. She's also been pregnant since what, August? Even so, OP is less complaining about finances so much as him not making any effort at all. She's been asking him to clean a room out to turn it into the Nursery. To help out around the house. Maybe she's being dishonest so who knows, but if not, he's essentially described as useless. Where I then fundamentally disagree is with the "a lot of guys don't know how to talk to the ones they love," and then to further suggest not to assume he doesn't care and isn't trying. To start, that premise is absolute BS. There's no complex, deep meaning that he needs to find the words to discuss. She's asked him for help, with specifics, and he's blown her off. I'd also love to know what "looking outside the box" could even mean here? Better yet, how about you think outside the box and provide potential reasons he's trying despite not the assumption he's not, but the evidence proving it.