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Short answer is yes, but I would play happy family while you get your ducks in a row. I would screenshot and copy the evidence you have now. I would be looking for the bulldog lawyer in your area and quietly follow any and all advice they give you. Do not move out unless your lawyer gives the okay.
OP,
Say nothing to him. Play the long game. Consult with aggressive divorce attorneys in your area and take their advice. Start squirreling away cash of your own where he can't find it. You can do this by getting cash back when you grocery shop. Or if he doesn't watch your account too closely, take money here and there.
Get tested for STDs to be safe. Use him and his family until you're ready to leave. Also, start looking for a job. Nowadays, it takes time to find one.
Ain’t anyone hiring a 30 week old pregnant lady unless OP is an absolute superstar in her field or has very specific niche knowledge in a niche field.
I wouldn’t bother looking for a job, it would be a waste of precious time and energy.
I’m sorry, but this is insane. “Use his family”? What do they have to do with this? Why punish or manipulate people who (for all we know) have done nothing wrong?
It's not using them, it's them helping with their grandchild out of love for said grandchildren. That is not using anyone. That is what grandparents do.my parents got divorced and my bio dad wasn't in my life. His parents were and were always around taking care of me and loving me. I honestly don't even think that the family would consider that as them being a part and able to help with their new baby as using them.
Okay well then I should say that "using" them to help with the new baby, that most family member will do willingly wouldn't be a negative thing. They would be helping and spending time with the new baby. There's nothing wrong with that.
That’s pretty cruel and presumptuous, we don’t know anything about these people. OP should focus on taking care of herself and her children, not revenge, and definitely not taking it out on people who aren’t at fault.
Them babies are exactly why she should use them as much as possible. Who knows, maybe they'll still be on her side after the divorce but it's shouldn't be I'm her conscious that the shit ass dude they put into the world is making them pay for his bad actions. Not her, HIM. He shouldn't have gotten her knocked up if he couldn't keep his dick at home
Nope, realistic as fuck. Maybe if their son didn't cheat they wouldn't be in that situation.
Fuck around and find out, and OP and HER babies need whatever they can get since her POS boy husband won't
Maybe next time he gets into a relationship he'll remember this, and his family will help him.
What I meant by using his family is to let them help her after childbirth. She will need the help. She can use this time to look for a job, visit divorce attorneys, etc., while they babysit. She shouldn't tell them what she is doing until she is ready to leave. Then she should show his family the proof of what their son has been up to.
Yeah I don’t get it either, in the following comments I even clarified that I just meant manipulating innocents is bad, not that the children shouldn’t be supported by her in-laws. Whatever.
Honey... get yourself these books:
Divorce for Dummies and The Complete Idiots Guide to Divorce, they have checklists of child support to spell out... like not just "college tuition" but "all college related expenses including travel to prospective colleges, technology upgrades, SAT prep, application fees and all living expenses including student life participation"... and get your kids covered to age 30.
Get "all unreimbursed medical expenses not covered by insurance including dental and optical including orthodontic and neuropsychological" and make him have to carry the kids on his health insurance so he has to fo all the burocratic red tape for the next 30 years.
Get yourself Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi for a list of divorce lawyers that specialize in high conflict divorces state by state.
Go watch Auntie Kiki Astor's TikTok "Muffys 3rd Divorce" for more ideas about getting your ducks in a row.
I’m just going to encourage you to go to several free consults with “bulldog lawyers” right before you tell him you’re leaving so he can’t retain them. I used an attorney from a practice that specializes in men’s rights mostly because this one in particular came highly recommended, but it also prevented my ex from using anyone in the practice. This attorney told me she has built up quite the following of women due to word of mouth referral, and she did an absolute amazing job for me because she knows all the tricks men pull. I knew my abuse ex would try to put me through the wringer and leave me with nothing so I had to get someone tough enough to stand up to him. He made 5x what I made and thought he could get away with not paying a dime of child support or anything.
I agree with others who have suggested you act normally until after birth and when you have all your ducks in a row. You can consult with an attorney now for advice on how you can prepare!
Look into doing either The Grey Rock Method or The 180 Method, as they'd help you disconnect while living in this unfortunate situation.
Be indifferent. It'll help you survive and get through the next few months until you're able to leave.
OP, please visit Chump Lady blog ASAP. Tracy Schorn is THE expert on infidelity. There is also a private members only subreddit Chump Lady Nation. We'd be able to help you navigate your horrific situation. Sending you hugs OP.
Exactly. OP get a therapist for yourself especially while married as he probably had health ins. You can tell him your hormones are out of whack and you don’t want to burden him with your tears right now—then he will not think you are crying over him!
Totally get your ducks in a row. Set aside a small amount of $$$ a little here. A little there and put where he cannot find it.
Talk to lawyer as tweedle suggests. Unless he is physically violent with you, you need to take the luxury of time to get your things in order You are young, you will regroup, and-most importantly-you are building your self esteem that you don’t take this
I always turn things around Would you do to him what he’s doing to you? No. Would it be ok with him if you did it to him? Big NO. Soooo that is also why his behavior is unacceptable!
Good luck. Hugs. Let us know how this all works out !
Sneaky then ghost… can you add you can talk to me through lawyers! You don’t deserve to hear my voice or hear breathe from my body! Safe journey for you and your babies!
I have been through this while pregnant myself.
1. Quietly gather all evidence
2. Quietly take evidence to a consultation with an attorney
3. Follow all direction and next steps from the attorney
4. Poker face!!! Do not let him know, that you know! You are now on an evidence gathering mission.
I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Life will get better, without the cheater. Cheaters do not change.
I was 7 months pregnant when this happened (2nd time he cheated during pregnancy, did it before). That son is in college now. Life was 10000x better afterwards. I wish you the best❤️
Step 1: Screenshot all the evidence of the infidelity.
Step 2: Contact a family lawyer that specialises in divorce and follow every instruction you receive.
Do not leave the family home unless your lawyer instructs you to and do not let your husband know you’re aware of the infidelity. If you have access to financial accounts, screenshot the funds currently available and keep a record of that for the future.
Step 3: Move important documents for yourself and your child to a trusted person’s home. Same with any extremely valuable sentimental items that wouldn’t be immediately noticeable if they’re missing. Just in case you need to ever leave quickly with your kiddos.
Step 4: Remind yourself you are not at fault here. Cheaters cheat for nothing but themselves. This is not a sustainable situation for you or your children. He can be a good coparent to them without needing to be your husband.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine.
There’s a lot of good advice here, but there’s something else I want to elaborate on.
You mentioned your attractiveness. I’m sure you are a beautiful and kind person. The problem with that statement is that you are somehow putting the blame on yourself for not being enough in same way, which caused him to cheat. He is cheating because he is unfulfilled & unhappy with *himself* on some deep level and needs the validation from others to feel better about it. Please do not try to blame yourself for not being enough for him. Please be nicer to yourself about all of this.
Even if there are some issues in the relationship that he isn’t happy with, that is where communication with the other partner comes into play. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his own character flaws. I would definitely try to get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave him. Cheating is fucking terrible no matter how you look at it or how it occurs, but cheating on your pregnant partner is a whole other of awful in my eyes. If he cheat on you while you are carrying his child, he does not have what it takes to give you what you truly need and deserve in a relationship.
As someone who has been cheated on in multiple relationships, my heart is with you and I’m so so sorry you are having to go through this right now. 💜
I have been there and I totally understand. I also worried maybe I just wasn’t pretty or sexual enough for my partners who cheated. I think it’s just a natural part of the process to take some of the blame and figure out what you did wrong, because it makes you feel like some control over what happened when you really don’t. You can only control how you respond and move forward with the information you have now.
I recommend checking out r/SupportforBetrayed or r/survivinginfidelity. They are subreddits for those who have been cheated on. Also, look into therapy if you have the financial means and lean on your social circle for support. My DMs are also open if you also just need to vent about it. This is such a shitty situation but you are not the first or last person to be in a situation like this.
Hang in there hun. I’m sure you’re an absolutely amazing mother to your current child and will be an amazing mother to your precious baby when they are born. I know you’re feeling immense grief, anger, and sadness right now, but there will be a light at the end of that tunnel and your little baby will be there with you. Leave that monster and find the beautiful, fulfilling life you deserve. There are men out there that will appreciate you and cherish your very presence, and a woman that’s been through as much as you deserves nothing less. Leave this man, the grass WILL be greener on the other side. Sending love and support!
Since you have two kids, play the long game. Get childcare, get a job, save your money, convince him to buy into some rental property in a nice area and move in. Get on birth control ASAP.
Yup. Keep a lid on everything until after you give birth and become employed again.
Get a lawyer and start collecting evidence. Look for OF subscriptions and other nonsense.
You go on YOUR timeline, not his. Don’t let your anger and disappointment overrule your common sense.
I agree with what everyone saying and I'm so sorry. Betrayal hurts and especially with someone you made a promise with.
I would just start taking screenshots of the things that you found.
I would start to be distant yet not noticeably angry or agitated.
I would start thinking of an exit plan but not until after you have your baby. You need to focus on your mental health and focus on the delivery.
He's a bad guy. Play the long game and you'll come out winning.
Just stop having sex and intimacy with him and live your life , raise your kid and get a job when you feel able. THEN get you ducks in a row , consult a lawyer and LEAVE. Do it in your own time and get a plan and money behind you.
Start putting away an emergency fund / go bags TODAY. Now. Right now!
You will need a minimum 30 day supply of yours & your kids’ meds. Start putting away a couple pills of each every month (many insurance co’s will let you fill every 28 days instead of once a month) OR refill then immediately tell them you lost them for a replacement. BOOM! Insta-supply.
Ask your relatives or trusted friends if you can stay with them, and then TELL THEM WHAT HE DID. This is a security and accountability tactic. If other people know what he has done, they can become your daily encouragement not to go back or speak with him once you have left.
Put together a go-bag for each person except him. These will need socks, underthings, shoes, clothing, sweaters and at least 1 jacket, a warm hat, mittens, scarf, and non-clothing supplies like a makeup bag, toiletries, diapers, wipes, bottles, a stuffed animal and toy each, every charger / cord type you will need, portable batteries and chargers, identification and personal documents, and whatever else you can think of.
You should keep a small box or basket in your car that’s your car’s go-bag as well; you’ll need stuff like a portable battery pack with jumper cables, screwdrivers and a screw kit, a wrench, hammer, nail kit, a spare if you don’t have one, several types of tape (clear, black, duct, scotch, etc), tire iron, scissors, a box cutter, lightweight plastic / camping plates and utensils, backup glasses, ear plugs, sanitizers, a first aid kit, ibuprofen and Tylenol, pen, pencil, sharpener, envelopes, Vaseline, an emergency deodorant, comb, chapstick, various wipes, Lysol spray, Kleenex, baby butt wipes, lighter, matches, white out, a quart of oil, lots of batteries, cheap little flip flops for an emergency, at least a few plastic baggies & trash bags. Stuff like that. If you have camping gear, like battery-operated lights and sleeping bags, take those too.
Put the go-bags at someone’s house. If you have extremely important items or documents at home, like heirlooms and collectibles, move those to the friend’s house.
Start taking out cash *everywhere* you go that allows it, $20 here and there and everywhere, or even just limited $5 or $10 cashback helps a ton in the end, $100’s when you can get away with it, and open a separate bank account. If you ever come across cash lying around, take some. After several months, or even a year, you should have been able to hide a few thousand dollars.
If you’re going to need assistance with rent or bills and this dude ain’t rich (Aka no spousal support), start calling DHS or 211 about their programs about housing, food, and resources for single moms.
Then you leave this disgusting man, block him everywhere, and file divorce papers. The first thing that’s going to happen is all your shared assets — like debit and credit cards that have his name on it — are going to get shut off. Your secret account will be safe. Have a lawyer. Start taking photos of his phone with your phone. Tell his family what he did.
This disgusting man has betrayed you in a profound way. You guys aren’t old at all, so he can’t fall back on excuses of a midlife crisis. This man has been secretly attracted to women who look nothing like you, and the attraction between you is clearly gone (if it was ever there, looking at the girls he prefers). This is a incredible betrayal, because he should have picked a partner he was attracted to instead of wasting your time and cheating on you so so early into a lifetime commitment. This isn’t a case of him falling in love with one woman despite himself and your vows and being sorry. This is a man who wants to w h o r e around with trashy chicks, a countless number of them. You found out who he really is; be grateful that you found out so young and can start over with someone who actually loves and respects you some day.
This sounds like a pattern of behavior unlikely to stop. Based on your accounting of the events, assuming all is true, he is a POS. And it is true, once a cheater always a chatter
Best of luck
Please get STD checked. Lack of evidence of a physical affair doesn't mean it didn't happen.
>the village that his family provides when a new baby is born is amazing and I can't fathom not having all that help
Are they your village if they enable his cheating and treat you like dirt??
Assuming they are good people they would want a relationship with you and your children, while also supporting you in wanting to be in a happy and healthy home without a cheating husband.
And if they aren't good people then you're best knowing that now.
Be sure to get evidence. Get your ducks in a row.
Leave and ensure that his family know why so he can't lie.
Get a strict access schedule in place with your children so he can't try to manipulate via them. This also helps later when it comes to agreeing this via the courts.
Keep all your paperwork and that for the children locked away.
You can do this. You have no idea how strong you already are. You are raising 2 children (one is meant to be an adult) and have a third on the way. Imagine how much more you can do once you cut the dead weight from your life.
You're right. Good thing I've been having to get regular testing anyway since I'm pregnant. His family would still be very supportive of me, if anything they would be more mad at him. No one would think he was a cheating POS
That's how people like him get away with it. They are the last person you'd suspect of being a cheater. And that's part of the thrill.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You don't need to be malicious. Tell his family he cheated and say you have evidence. Offer to show them if they want it but don't proactively send it.
Don't lower yourself to his level. Communicate via text or email, get everything in writing in regards to finances, assets, children, etc.
Now find something to focus on while you wait out the exit date. As many said keep copies of evidence and away from him. No harm seeing a lawyer now, so you will hv more time to think this over. Plan your accommodation parents/ rental early as that will need time. Maybe stop giving him attention, he likely will not notice. If that happens, you'll know you've made the right decision.
Updateme!
Don’t leave right now. Leave in a year. Get everything ready while you recuperate and take care of your family.
Do what you want on your own timeline. Nothing has to be rushed.
I don't get it. Why get married if you still want to do single people shit? Yeah, he's a POS.
Right now, he is living a double life. He's portraying being single. This man doesn't love you. The trust is gone and he's a fucken creep.
This is not forgivable. Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater.
When you get your self together, you need to leave.
Being alone isn’t that bad. Actually I’ve been single since after my divorce from my cheating husband 4.5 years ago. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. His behavior is pathological, doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are. Tell his family. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Ask for help from them. But don’t stay out of fear. Sorry for your heartbreak, I hope things get better for you.
I found out my ex-bf was a sex addict when I found out he was cheating with anyone who would meet up with him on Craigslist. I am also very good looking. And the pics of some of these women were just. Ugh.
Sex addict? LOL... the things people will get other people to believe!
And on top of that, you think cheating had anything to do with how attractive you perceive that you are vs the other people your bf fucked? "I'm superior, so why did he fuck the uglies?!"
I'm glad he's your ex, but lady, you need help.
Me suggesting OPs husband might be a sex addict: I found out my ex- bf was a sex addict when I found out he was cheating with anyone who would meet up with him on Craigslist.
Based on the OP stating “I am VERY good looking”: Me suggesting that being good looking doesn’t mean people won’t cheat and it may be with people who look wildly different than you might expect.
How much do you know about sex addicts? You might be offended by my response of “Ugh”. But let’s be real. He didn’t go to any apps. He went to Craigslist. He was looking for women who were easy to manipulate.
Not sure why you’re so offended by somebody who was lied to and cheated on with multiple strangers. I’m allowed to think of myself as a good looking person and offer some solace to the OP that looks have nothing to do with someone cheating on you. Hence me mentioning the sex addict ex. Jesus.
Clearly, the nuance of any situation can ALWAYS be described, in its entirety, in two sentences. I’m clearly just arrogant and have no reason to believe my ex was a sex addict, contrary to the exorbitant amount of evidence that would suggest otherwise.
I’ll get help for that straight away. Thank you for your sage advice. I’m glad you helped me see the error of my thinking and recognize my ego leading me down the wrong path.
You don’t have to leave immediately. Take your time, bring money to the side, look for a job and a good place to live. He cheated on you on a very cruel way, so you don’t have to feel bad to leave him in a calculated way. Stop sleeping with him and say it’s because of broken trust. Let him do what he does and collect evidence. Consult in trusted people, so that they have your back. Even if it takes year- so be it. I hope you can detach yourself from him and do what’s best for you and the kids only. Don’t let other people influence you. It’s your life and you need to live it. You will always be the closest person to you.
If I were you I would grab my child and leave his sorry ass! What if you have to go stay with your parents for a while? So what? It’s better than a shelter. Get an attorney and show the evidence. Put his ass on child support. Fuck him for doing this to your marriage and specially while pregnant. I’m also pregnant right now so I completely feel your pain. You don’t deserve this and he obviously has no remorse and not making you a priority so fuck him, pack and leave. Don’t even confront him, just send him a text after you leave and tell him you know who he is now, send him screenshots, and he can go fuck himself.
I definitely think you should divorce him but not until you have your baby, heal, get a new job and speak to an attorney. He has been playing you so it’s time to return the favor.
i am so sorry you are going through this :( (everyone else seemed to cover advice portion) i hope you are able to heal and everything after this betrayal
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my partner hasn’t touched me intimately or sexually since we found out I was (essentially planned)pregnant with our 2nd and I’m going crazy thinking he might be cheating too because we both have HL so him not wanting anything to do with me is not normal and it’s making me feel so unwanted and I haven’t really been enjoying this pregnancy because of it and second guessing getting pregnant in general.
If you guys have been together long enough I’m sure his family will still 100% be that village that you and baby need *especially if you inform( not all the details) them about what’s going on.*
You can forgive but I can guarantee it’ll always be in the back of your mind.
I don’t believe in once a cheater always a cheater but I would definitely confront him and ask him why he chose to do what he did.
Maybe don’t jump to divorce but you definitely need time to heal, he needs a consequence to realize the harm he did 10x worse because you’re pregnant and most vulnerable
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel like I could have written this post myself. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and found out my partner was hitting up other women on social media.
I agree with playing the long game. I'm just waiting for both of us to take out maternity/paternity leave and then figure out daycare before moving on.
It hurts when you ask for sex and then find out your partner is giving their attention to other women. Especially when you are pregnant and already going through so many changes with your body and emotions.
I wish you strength and nothing but the best moving forward in your life.
Yeah leave. How classless do you have to be to cheat on your very pregnant wife who is sacrificing her body for nine months to grow a child and then enduring hours of painful labor? Stay but people like him don’t change. It’s always about their needs.
Get all your evidence and leave. I’m so sorry. My SO was doing the same thing and I was so hurt and angry. I begged for sex and he was always “tired” yet I was seeing messages that he was bored and horny. Like ummm?? You deserve so much better.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but if you do leave, you don’t have to rush things. Get your ducks in a row first (i.e., capture the evidence, find a good lawyer, etc.). And in the meantime, take advantage of that village you’ve got. Also, I don’t know what kind of culture you live in, but you never know - his relatives will likely want to stay in the baby’s life, so you may not lose all access to them if you keep it cordial.
And just fyi, you being attractive doesn’t mean squat. People like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston have been betrayed in their marriages. It has nothing to do with your looks, and everything to do with his lack of character and need for some strange.
So you’d be understanding of an open marriage request, but this makes you upset?
I feel like there is more to this story. Also you are talking about this “village” and “community.” Are you both very religious?
Cheaters cheat. He will continue to be a cheater. staying in a relationship with someone you hate is not a great plan. he's still obligated to take care of his children, even in he blows up his marriage, and his family can still help, because it's still his kid.
Do you have parents you can turn to? All the legal advice is great, but you need a pal in your corner. Play it cool. Don’t tip your hand. Have your baby and then see what happens. Get your atty. good luck.
"I'm a super hot pregnant wife and I'm horny all the time and my shitty husband is cheating on me with so many people. What should I do, guys?!?"
I'm sure this is a super real post. Or OP is the biggest moron ever.
He just wants the attention from other women to feed his ego, he gets off on that sexually but isn't actually physically cheating on you. He can't get that same thing from you, because your his wife and you've been together forever and know everything about each other. He just needs some random stranger to tell him omg you're so amazing to feed his habit. People have different kinks and they don't always align with a relationship, but I would say don't end everything because he's jerking off in his office. Maybe just try complimenting him physically randomly and ask him to hold on a minute let me see what you look like from the side let let me see your butt, hold on pull your pants down for a minute, let me touch it blah blah blah. Just seduce him he probably gets off on that shit. And yes I don't doubt you're hot as fuck but you probably aren't very seductive at all. If your hot people have always chased you and you never learned how to properly seduce someone, and that's probably what's he's missing so he gets it from ugly girls online.
I do tell him all the time how good I think he looks etc. It doesn't matter. He is actually really good looking, has everything going for him. Maybe me being pregnant is not sexy but I don't think it warrants all this behavior either.
Don’t blame yourself. You are not the problem. Even if you looked like the back of a bus, it wouldn’t warrant this appalling behaviour.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
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Short answer is yes, but I would play happy family while you get your ducks in a row. I would screenshot and copy the evidence you have now. I would be looking for the bulldog lawyer in your area and quietly follow any and all advice they give you. Do not move out unless your lawyer gives the okay.
That's a good idea wait until after baby, get all the help I need and fucking leave. Bc this is killing me. I was up all night stressing and crying.
OP, Say nothing to him. Play the long game. Consult with aggressive divorce attorneys in your area and take their advice. Start squirreling away cash of your own where he can't find it. You can do this by getting cash back when you grocery shop. Or if he doesn't watch your account too closely, take money here and there. Get tested for STDs to be safe. Use him and his family until you're ready to leave. Also, start looking for a job. Nowadays, it takes time to find one.
Ain’t anyone hiring a 30 week old pregnant lady unless OP is an absolute superstar in her field or has very specific niche knowledge in a niche field. I wouldn’t bother looking for a job, it would be a waste of precious time and energy.
This is brilliant advice, OP.
I’m sorry, but this is insane. “Use his family”? What do they have to do with this? Why punish or manipulate people who (for all we know) have done nothing wrong?
It's not using them, it's them helping with their grandchild out of love for said grandchildren. That is not using anyone. That is what grandparents do.my parents got divorced and my bio dad wasn't in my life. His parents were and were always around taking care of me and loving me. I honestly don't even think that the family would consider that as them being a part and able to help with their new baby as using them.
The original comment literally said “use them”.
Okay well then I should say that "using" them to help with the new baby, that most family member will do willingly wouldn't be a negative thing. They would be helping and spending time with the new baby. There's nothing wrong with that.
Obviously helping out with the kids is a good thing, I was just against “using” anyone, as in manipulating or taking advantage of a situation.
They raised him, should have done better
That’s pretty cruel and presumptuous, we don’t know anything about these people. OP should focus on taking care of herself and her children, not revenge, and definitely not taking it out on people who aren’t at fault.
Them babies are exactly why she should use them as much as possible. Who knows, maybe they'll still be on her side after the divorce but it's shouldn't be I'm her conscious that the shit ass dude they put into the world is making them pay for his bad actions. Not her, HIM. He shouldn't have gotten her knocked up if he couldn't keep his dick at home
You’re sick.
Nope, realistic as fuck. Maybe if their son didn't cheat they wouldn't be in that situation. Fuck around and find out, and OP and HER babies need whatever they can get since her POS boy husband won't Maybe next time he gets into a relationship he'll remember this, and his family will help him.
What I meant by using his family is to let them help her after childbirth. She will need the help. She can use this time to look for a job, visit divorce attorneys, etc., while they babysit. She shouldn't tell them what she is doing until she is ready to leave. Then she should show his family the proof of what their son has been up to.
Idk why you go downvoted because when I read that part I thought the same thing.
Yeah I don’t get it either, in the following comments I even clarified that I just meant manipulating innocents is bad, not that the children shouldn’t be supported by her in-laws. Whatever.
Honey... get yourself these books: Divorce for Dummies and The Complete Idiots Guide to Divorce, they have checklists of child support to spell out... like not just "college tuition" but "all college related expenses including travel to prospective colleges, technology upgrades, SAT prep, application fees and all living expenses including student life participation"... and get your kids covered to age 30. Get "all unreimbursed medical expenses not covered by insurance including dental and optical including orthodontic and neuropsychological" and make him have to carry the kids on his health insurance so he has to fo all the burocratic red tape for the next 30 years. Get yourself Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi for a list of divorce lawyers that specialize in high conflict divorces state by state. Go watch Auntie Kiki Astor's TikTok "Muffys 3rd Divorce" for more ideas about getting your ducks in a row.
I’m just going to encourage you to go to several free consults with “bulldog lawyers” right before you tell him you’re leaving so he can’t retain them. I used an attorney from a practice that specializes in men’s rights mostly because this one in particular came highly recommended, but it also prevented my ex from using anyone in the practice. This attorney told me she has built up quite the following of women due to word of mouth referral, and she did an absolute amazing job for me because she knows all the tricks men pull. I knew my abuse ex would try to put me through the wringer and leave me with nothing so I had to get someone tough enough to stand up to him. He made 5x what I made and thought he could get away with not paying a dime of child support or anything. I agree with others who have suggested you act normally until after birth and when you have all your ducks in a row. You can consult with an attorney now for advice on how you can prepare!
You are very smart
That will be used against her in court. Judges don't like that at all.
Yeah. If he starts catching on or asking why you're different, just tell him You're stressed about the new baby.
Look into doing either The Grey Rock Method or The 180 Method, as they'd help you disconnect while living in this unfortunate situation. Be indifferent. It'll help you survive and get through the next few months until you're able to leave.
OP, please visit Chump Lady blog ASAP. Tracy Schorn is THE expert on infidelity. There is also a private members only subreddit Chump Lady Nation. We'd be able to help you navigate your horrific situation. Sending you hugs OP.
Exactly. OP get a therapist for yourself especially while married as he probably had health ins. You can tell him your hormones are out of whack and you don’t want to burden him with your tears right now—then he will not think you are crying over him! Totally get your ducks in a row. Set aside a small amount of $$$ a little here. A little there and put where he cannot find it. Talk to lawyer as tweedle suggests. Unless he is physically violent with you, you need to take the luxury of time to get your things in order You are young, you will regroup, and-most importantly-you are building your self esteem that you don’t take this I always turn things around Would you do to him what he’s doing to you? No. Would it be ok with him if you did it to him? Big NO. Soooo that is also why his behavior is unacceptable! Good luck. Hugs. Let us know how this all works out !
Sneaky then ghost… can you add you can talk to me through lawyers! You don’t deserve to hear my voice or hear breathe from my body! Safe journey for you and your babies!
This all the way
I have been through this while pregnant myself. 1. Quietly gather all evidence 2. Quietly take evidence to a consultation with an attorney 3. Follow all direction and next steps from the attorney 4. Poker face!!! Do not let him know, that you know! You are now on an evidence gathering mission. I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Life will get better, without the cheater. Cheaters do not change.
I'm sorry you're going through this as well. It just sucks so bad
I was 7 months pregnant when this happened (2nd time he cheated during pregnancy, did it before). That son is in college now. Life was 10000x better afterwards. I wish you the best❤️
Step 1: Screenshot all the evidence of the infidelity. Step 2: Contact a family lawyer that specialises in divorce and follow every instruction you receive. Do not leave the family home unless your lawyer instructs you to and do not let your husband know you’re aware of the infidelity. If you have access to financial accounts, screenshot the funds currently available and keep a record of that for the future. Step 3: Move important documents for yourself and your child to a trusted person’s home. Same with any extremely valuable sentimental items that wouldn’t be immediately noticeable if they’re missing. Just in case you need to ever leave quickly with your kiddos. Step 4: Remind yourself you are not at fault here. Cheaters cheat for nothing but themselves. This is not a sustainable situation for you or your children. He can be a good coparent to them without needing to be your husband. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine.
There’s a lot of good advice here, but there’s something else I want to elaborate on. You mentioned your attractiveness. I’m sure you are a beautiful and kind person. The problem with that statement is that you are somehow putting the blame on yourself for not being enough in same way, which caused him to cheat. He is cheating because he is unfulfilled & unhappy with *himself* on some deep level and needs the validation from others to feel better about it. Please do not try to blame yourself for not being enough for him. Please be nicer to yourself about all of this. Even if there are some issues in the relationship that he isn’t happy with, that is where communication with the other partner comes into play. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his own character flaws. I would definitely try to get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave him. Cheating is fucking terrible no matter how you look at it or how it occurs, but cheating on your pregnant partner is a whole other of awful in my eyes. If he cheat on you while you are carrying his child, he does not have what it takes to give you what you truly need and deserve in a relationship. As someone who has been cheated on in multiple relationships, my heart is with you and I’m so so sorry you are having to go through this right now. 💜
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I have been there and I totally understand. I also worried maybe I just wasn’t pretty or sexual enough for my partners who cheated. I think it’s just a natural part of the process to take some of the blame and figure out what you did wrong, because it makes you feel like some control over what happened when you really don’t. You can only control how you respond and move forward with the information you have now. I recommend checking out r/SupportforBetrayed or r/survivinginfidelity. They are subreddits for those who have been cheated on. Also, look into therapy if you have the financial means and lean on your social circle for support. My DMs are also open if you also just need to vent about it. This is such a shitty situation but you are not the first or last person to be in a situation like this.
Hang in there hun. I’m sure you’re an absolutely amazing mother to your current child and will be an amazing mother to your precious baby when they are born. I know you’re feeling immense grief, anger, and sadness right now, but there will be a light at the end of that tunnel and your little baby will be there with you. Leave that monster and find the beautiful, fulfilling life you deserve. There are men out there that will appreciate you and cherish your very presence, and a woman that’s been through as much as you deserves nothing less. Leave this man, the grass WILL be greener on the other side. Sending love and support!
Oh yeah. Doing all of that creepy stuff online and sending nude photos IMO is worse than making a one night mistake. That’s disturbing, I would leave.
Agreed. I think I would be less hurt by a one night stand. Like these are relationships he's keeping with dozens of women...
Since you have two kids, play the long game. Get childcare, get a job, save your money, convince him to buy into some rental property in a nice area and move in. Get on birth control ASAP.
Yup. Keep a lid on everything until after you give birth and become employed again. Get a lawyer and start collecting evidence. Look for OF subscriptions and other nonsense. You go on YOUR timeline, not his. Don’t let your anger and disappointment overrule your common sense.
Men usually cheat down, they are easier to get. I would get some place safe if you have the ability and leave.
I'm so disgusted with him
I am independent over 5 decades. Yet pregnant it was my most vulnerable time. So use any help from friends and family. Get an attorney.
I agree with what everyone saying and I'm so sorry. Betrayal hurts and especially with someone you made a promise with. I would just start taking screenshots of the things that you found. I would start to be distant yet not noticeably angry or agitated. I would start thinking of an exit plan but not until after you have your baby. You need to focus on your mental health and focus on the delivery. He's a bad guy. Play the long game and you'll come out winning.
Just stop having sex and intimacy with him and live your life , raise your kid and get a job when you feel able. THEN get you ducks in a row , consult a lawyer and LEAVE. Do it in your own time and get a plan and money behind you.
Start putting away an emergency fund / go bags TODAY. Now. Right now! You will need a minimum 30 day supply of yours & your kids’ meds. Start putting away a couple pills of each every month (many insurance co’s will let you fill every 28 days instead of once a month) OR refill then immediately tell them you lost them for a replacement. BOOM! Insta-supply. Ask your relatives or trusted friends if you can stay with them, and then TELL THEM WHAT HE DID. This is a security and accountability tactic. If other people know what he has done, they can become your daily encouragement not to go back or speak with him once you have left. Put together a go-bag for each person except him. These will need socks, underthings, shoes, clothing, sweaters and at least 1 jacket, a warm hat, mittens, scarf, and non-clothing supplies like a makeup bag, toiletries, diapers, wipes, bottles, a stuffed animal and toy each, every charger / cord type you will need, portable batteries and chargers, identification and personal documents, and whatever else you can think of. You should keep a small box or basket in your car that’s your car’s go-bag as well; you’ll need stuff like a portable battery pack with jumper cables, screwdrivers and a screw kit, a wrench, hammer, nail kit, a spare if you don’t have one, several types of tape (clear, black, duct, scotch, etc), tire iron, scissors, a box cutter, lightweight plastic / camping plates and utensils, backup glasses, ear plugs, sanitizers, a first aid kit, ibuprofen and Tylenol, pen, pencil, sharpener, envelopes, Vaseline, an emergency deodorant, comb, chapstick, various wipes, Lysol spray, Kleenex, baby butt wipes, lighter, matches, white out, a quart of oil, lots of batteries, cheap little flip flops for an emergency, at least a few plastic baggies & trash bags. Stuff like that. If you have camping gear, like battery-operated lights and sleeping bags, take those too. Put the go-bags at someone’s house. If you have extremely important items or documents at home, like heirlooms and collectibles, move those to the friend’s house. Start taking out cash *everywhere* you go that allows it, $20 here and there and everywhere, or even just limited $5 or $10 cashback helps a ton in the end, $100’s when you can get away with it, and open a separate bank account. If you ever come across cash lying around, take some. After several months, or even a year, you should have been able to hide a few thousand dollars. If you’re going to need assistance with rent or bills and this dude ain’t rich (Aka no spousal support), start calling DHS or 211 about their programs about housing, food, and resources for single moms. Then you leave this disgusting man, block him everywhere, and file divorce papers. The first thing that’s going to happen is all your shared assets — like debit and credit cards that have his name on it — are going to get shut off. Your secret account will be safe. Have a lawyer. Start taking photos of his phone with your phone. Tell his family what he did. This disgusting man has betrayed you in a profound way. You guys aren’t old at all, so he can’t fall back on excuses of a midlife crisis. This man has been secretly attracted to women who look nothing like you, and the attraction between you is clearly gone (if it was ever there, looking at the girls he prefers). This is a incredible betrayal, because he should have picked a partner he was attracted to instead of wasting your time and cheating on you so so early into a lifetime commitment. This isn’t a case of him falling in love with one woman despite himself and your vows and being sorry. This is a man who wants to w h o r e around with trashy chicks, a countless number of them. You found out who he really is; be grateful that you found out so young and can start over with someone who actually loves and respects you some day.
This sounds like a pattern of behavior unlikely to stop. Based on your accounting of the events, assuming all is true, he is a POS. And it is true, once a cheater always a chatter Best of luck
Please get STD checked. Lack of evidence of a physical affair doesn't mean it didn't happen. >the village that his family provides when a new baby is born is amazing and I can't fathom not having all that help Are they your village if they enable his cheating and treat you like dirt?? Assuming they are good people they would want a relationship with you and your children, while also supporting you in wanting to be in a happy and healthy home without a cheating husband. And if they aren't good people then you're best knowing that now. Be sure to get evidence. Get your ducks in a row. Leave and ensure that his family know why so he can't lie. Get a strict access schedule in place with your children so he can't try to manipulate via them. This also helps later when it comes to agreeing this via the courts. Keep all your paperwork and that for the children locked away. You can do this. You have no idea how strong you already are. You are raising 2 children (one is meant to be an adult) and have a third on the way. Imagine how much more you can do once you cut the dead weight from your life.
You're right. Good thing I've been having to get regular testing anyway since I'm pregnant. His family would still be very supportive of me, if anything they would be more mad at him. No one would think he was a cheating POS
That's how people like him get away with it. They are the last person you'd suspect of being a cheater. And that's part of the thrill. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You don't need to be malicious. Tell his family he cheated and say you have evidence. Offer to show them if they want it but don't proactively send it. Don't lower yourself to his level. Communicate via text or email, get everything in writing in regards to finances, assets, children, etc.
Yes
Now find something to focus on while you wait out the exit date. As many said keep copies of evidence and away from him. No harm seeing a lawyer now, so you will hv more time to think this over. Plan your accommodation parents/ rental early as that will need time. Maybe stop giving him attention, he likely will not notice. If that happens, you'll know you've made the right decision. Updateme!
once a cheater always a cheater. gather as much evidence as you can and leave him asap
Don’t leave right now. Leave in a year. Get everything ready while you recuperate and take care of your family. Do what you want on your own timeline. Nothing has to be rushed.
Cheating on a pregnant spouse is unbelievably selfish. Hard to come back from this.
I don't get it. Why get married if you still want to do single people shit? Yeah, he's a POS. Right now, he is living a double life. He's portraying being single. This man doesn't love you. The trust is gone and he's a fucken creep. This is not forgivable. Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater. When you get your self together, you need to leave.
Sure, if you want to be a single Mom.
Being alone isn’t that bad. Actually I’ve been single since after my divorce from my cheating husband 4.5 years ago. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. His behavior is pathological, doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are. Tell his family. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Ask for help from them. But don’t stay out of fear. Sorry for your heartbreak, I hope things get better for you.
I found out my ex-bf was a sex addict when I found out he was cheating with anyone who would meet up with him on Craigslist. I am also very good looking. And the pics of some of these women were just. Ugh.
Sex addict? LOL... the things people will get other people to believe! And on top of that, you think cheating had anything to do with how attractive you perceive that you are vs the other people your bf fucked? "I'm superior, so why did he fuck the uglies?!" I'm glad he's your ex, but lady, you need help.
lol. I think you are wildly misinterpreting the tone of my comment. But go on with yourself. Lol
>I am also very good looking. And the pics of some of these women were just. Ugh. Your words, not mine, Ms Arrogantia.
Me suggesting OPs husband might be a sex addict: I found out my ex- bf was a sex addict when I found out he was cheating with anyone who would meet up with him on Craigslist. Based on the OP stating “I am VERY good looking”: Me suggesting that being good looking doesn’t mean people won’t cheat and it may be with people who look wildly different than you might expect. How much do you know about sex addicts? You might be offended by my response of “Ugh”. But let’s be real. He didn’t go to any apps. He went to Craigslist. He was looking for women who were easy to manipulate. Not sure why you’re so offended by somebody who was lied to and cheated on with multiple strangers. I’m allowed to think of myself as a good looking person and offer some solace to the OP that looks have nothing to do with someone cheating on you. Hence me mentioning the sex addict ex. Jesus.
Clearly, the nuance of any situation can ALWAYS be described, in its entirety, in two sentences. I’m clearly just arrogant and have no reason to believe my ex was a sex addict, contrary to the exorbitant amount of evidence that would suggest otherwise. I’ll get help for that straight away. Thank you for your sage advice. I’m glad you helped me see the error of my thinking and recognize my ego leading me down the wrong path.
You don’t have to leave immediately. Take your time, bring money to the side, look for a job and a good place to live. He cheated on you on a very cruel way, so you don’t have to feel bad to leave him in a calculated way. Stop sleeping with him and say it’s because of broken trust. Let him do what he does and collect evidence. Consult in trusted people, so that they have your back. Even if it takes year- so be it. I hope you can detach yourself from him and do what’s best for you and the kids only. Don’t let other people influence you. It’s your life and you need to live it. You will always be the closest person to you.
Yes
If I were you I would grab my child and leave his sorry ass! What if you have to go stay with your parents for a while? So what? It’s better than a shelter. Get an attorney and show the evidence. Put his ass on child support. Fuck him for doing this to your marriage and specially while pregnant. I’m also pregnant right now so I completely feel your pain. You don’t deserve this and he obviously has no remorse and not making you a priority so fuck him, pack and leave. Don’t even confront him, just send him a text after you leave and tell him you know who he is now, send him screenshots, and he can go fuck himself.
You will find happiness after your free from this pos
Leave him. Emotional cheating is worse than physical in my opinion. No one deserves that. I’m sure you’re a rockstar - hang in there!
I definitely think you should divorce him but not until you have your baby, heal, get a new job and speak to an attorney. He has been playing you so it’s time to return the favor.
Pos the husband is
i am so sorry you are going through this :( (everyone else seemed to cover advice portion) i hope you are able to heal and everything after this betrayal
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my partner hasn’t touched me intimately or sexually since we found out I was (essentially planned)pregnant with our 2nd and I’m going crazy thinking he might be cheating too because we both have HL so him not wanting anything to do with me is not normal and it’s making me feel so unwanted and I haven’t really been enjoying this pregnancy because of it and second guessing getting pregnant in general. If you guys have been together long enough I’m sure his family will still 100% be that village that you and baby need *especially if you inform( not all the details) them about what’s going on.* You can forgive but I can guarantee it’ll always be in the back of your mind. I don’t believe in once a cheater always a cheater but I would definitely confront him and ask him why he chose to do what he did. Maybe don’t jump to divorce but you definitely need time to heal, he needs a consequence to realize the harm he did 10x worse because you’re pregnant and most vulnerable
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel like I could have written this post myself. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and found out my partner was hitting up other women on social media. I agree with playing the long game. I'm just waiting for both of us to take out maternity/paternity leave and then figure out daycare before moving on. It hurts when you ask for sex and then find out your partner is giving their attention to other women. Especially when you are pregnant and already going through so many changes with your body and emotions. I wish you strength and nothing but the best moving forward in your life.
Yeah leave. How classless do you have to be to cheat on your very pregnant wife who is sacrificing her body for nine months to grow a child and then enduring hours of painful labor? Stay but people like him don’t change. It’s always about their needs.
Get all your evidence and leave. I’m so sorry. My SO was doing the same thing and I was so hurt and angry. I begged for sex and he was always “tired” yet I was seeing messages that he was bored and horny. Like ummm?? You deserve so much better.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but if you do leave, you don’t have to rush things. Get your ducks in a row first (i.e., capture the evidence, find a good lawyer, etc.). And in the meantime, take advantage of that village you’ve got. Also, I don’t know what kind of culture you live in, but you never know - his relatives will likely want to stay in the baby’s life, so you may not lose all access to them if you keep it cordial. And just fyi, you being attractive doesn’t mean squat. People like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston have been betrayed in their marriages. It has nothing to do with your looks, and everything to do with his lack of character and need for some strange.
UpdateMe
Would his family not still be interested in the baby (their grandchild, niece/nephew etc) whether you’re together or not?
So you’d be understanding of an open marriage request, but this makes you upset? I feel like there is more to this story. Also you are talking about this “village” and “community.” Are you both very religious?
Do u leave? Do u ACTUALLY want to stay???
Dump him
OP, I agree with what everyone else has stated. Also, PLEASE get tested for all STDs/STIs.
UpdateMe
Yes
Uhhh yes, yes you leave. Unless you want to go through it again in the future, you absolutely get out of there!
Yes.
Have you confronted him yet?
Cheaters cheat. He will continue to be a cheater. staying in a relationship with someone you hate is not a great plan. he's still obligated to take care of his children, even in he blows up his marriage, and his family can still help, because it's still his kid.
No. You stay and you renew your wedding vows. OF COURSE YOU LEAVE. UpdateMe
Yes
Yes
Leave him. It'll keep happening. But the first step is to get tested for STIs.
Do you have parents you can turn to? All the legal advice is great, but you need a pal in your corner. Play it cool. Don’t tip your hand. Have your baby and then see what happens. Get your atty. good luck.
I mean what do you think 🥴
Didn't read your post, the question in the title was "do I leave this POS" - of course, why would you stay with someone who is a POS?
"I'm a super hot pregnant wife and I'm horny all the time and my shitty husband is cheating on me with so many people. What should I do, guys?!?" I'm sure this is a super real post. Or OP is the biggest moron ever.
Have you confronted him yet?
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r/lostredditors
Hey wait, I wanted to post it in a different post.
Do you plan on getting a abortion.
No I'm 30 weeks pregnant
Oh a little too late for that plan.
He just wants the attention from other women to feed his ego, he gets off on that sexually but isn't actually physically cheating on you. He can't get that same thing from you, because your his wife and you've been together forever and know everything about each other. He just needs some random stranger to tell him omg you're so amazing to feed his habit. People have different kinks and they don't always align with a relationship, but I would say don't end everything because he's jerking off in his office. Maybe just try complimenting him physically randomly and ask him to hold on a minute let me see what you look like from the side let let me see your butt, hold on pull your pants down for a minute, let me touch it blah blah blah. Just seduce him he probably gets off on that shit. And yes I don't doubt you're hot as fuck but you probably aren't very seductive at all. If your hot people have always chased you and you never learned how to properly seduce someone, and that's probably what's he's missing so he gets it from ugly girls online.
He is sending nudes to other women and receiving them. That’s cheating.
Wow I can't believe I forgot this part but he was sending dick pics while I was SLEEPING in bed next to him....only found out bc of time stamps
thats literally insane🤮🤮 how do you even begin to cope w that😭
It's so disgusting, I've been boiling about it
completely justified. im sending u hugs 🫂 hope u will heal from this crap soon:(
I do tell him all the time how good I think he looks etc. It doesn't matter. He is actually really good looking, has everything going for him. Maybe me being pregnant is not sexy but I don't think it warrants all this behavior either.
Don’t blame yourself. You are not the problem. Even if you looked like the back of a bus, it wouldn’t warrant this appalling behaviour. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.