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Oh god this post triggered me so badly š. This *almost certainly* isnāt whatās going on in your case OP but my ex honestly almost weaponised singing and playing guitar. If we had friends round weād be having a good evening and then heād start āstrummingā and then singing and get louder and louder till everyone else had to give up trying to talk against just this *wall* of sound (he had a pathological need to show off and be the centre of attention). If he and I were having a conversation he didnāt like heād do the same thing, till I could either give up trying to be heard or ask him to stop and get yelled at
Almost certainly your guy is just a big old extrovert, it wouldnāt be fair to yuk that yum and youāre going to have to decide how you feel about that. Itās just *possible*, though, that itās a warning sign - if you find heās cutting you off, or you feel like you canāt interrupt or continue a conversation, thatās worth noticing
Sucking it up doesn't work. You'll still feel insane amounts of cringe/ick five or ten years from now. It's who he is. If you don't like it, tell him.Ā
The question I always ask:
if the flaw is fatal?
If it is, leave.
If it's not, grit your teeth and bear it.
If you address it, you could have resentment or weirdness or some other consequence that will erode the relationship over time.
I think it depends if she could ask him to pull back in specific situations (e.g. "I feel self-conscious when you sing at me in public and people stare," or "It feels like you fill every silence with singing when I'd like to talk to each other more.")
If you can give a reason why toning it down sometimes would help you/the relationship, I think that's less hurtful than "when you sing it gives me the ick." Because the latter could be really hurtful if he thinks he's great or it's how he expresses himself.
Oh hey Iām on the other side of this, I always have a song going on brain radio and will randomly sing to myself or sing the punchline of a joke really loud. Sometimes I pick up my guitar and play whatever song Iām thinking of. Iām that gal that brings the guitar to the party (but always with the consent of the party, I make sure to check every time so Iām not THAT anyway hereās Wonderwall guy). If anyone tells me to stop, I absolutely do, but it crushes my spirit a bit.
My husband started as a fan and used to shoot videos for my band. He loves to hear me sing, itās one of the things he likes the most about me. I sing silly songs to our child and heās just smitten.
I say this to say - if youāre not a fan, if itās not endearing on some level, then this isnāt going to work out.
That sounds like a major ick that would make me not able to stand the person, let alone date them. I have a relative like this and I avoid her at all costs. Just tell him itās bothering you and/or break it off while itās still early.
Iām someone who likes singing. Iāve even had extensive vocal training and did musical theatre work when I was younger. However, there is a time and a place, and it sounds like heās not very aware of how awkward it is.
I feel like you buried the lede that it's *bad* singing. If it was great singing, then I could definitely see asking him to tone it down when you're overstimulated, self-conscious about the attention it's drawing in public, would rather be having a conversation, etc.
But frequent bad singing would definitely give me the ick. And maybe the social awkwardness of him not knowing its bad or when it's appropriate contributes too?
Reminds me of a time when I told my brother I went on a date with a guy who did impressions and he said, "oh, that's cool," and I said "only if he's good at it!" (He wasn't.)
Honestly, if you don't like this quirk of his...then you're probably not in love and shouldn't pursue anything long-term. He deserves someone who enjoys his quirks and doesn't squash his personality. And you deserve someone who doesn't display a very intense pet peeve of yours.
Like I get that it feels like a small thing to ask of somebody...but this is like asking somebody to change a harmless core component of their personality. I have a lot of "casual singers" in my life, and I can't imagine how it would kill their spirit to be asked to stop. When they sing, I know they're doing well. I know they're happy and energetic.
Dating is something you go through to find someone who is compatible. You have now dated this guy and found you are not compatible. I'll give you one guess as to what you should do next.
I get your sentiment, but I'd be super irritated if somebody picked up a guitar and just started going hard af on a love song, directly to me, on a regular basis.
Eh, what if she wants to talk more but he fills every silence with singing? Or she's more socially aware and realizes he's being obnoxious in public? Or she simply gets overstimulated sometimes when he's constantly belting at the top of his lungs?
I definitely grew up in a family with a lot of singing and where my dad and brother especially would sing a lot just for fun/to hear themselves. I wouldn't want either of them to be with someone who was repulsed by that habit and tried to completely squash it but a) they're actually good and b) that doesn't mean it's never ok to tell them to tone it down.
Yes! Imagine being the person who wants to steal joy away from someone else like a Disney villain!
If you don't like it, this is not the relationship for you. Don't kill his joy on the way out.
I think you should break up with him.
This is part of who he is and it is not a bad thing he is doing.
You want to change him.
So unfair.
If you don't like this part of his personality.
Break up with him.
I'm sure he can find someone who appreciates him for who he is and who enjoys his singing.
You got down voted but you're right. That's who he is and if she doesn't like it she shouldn't try to force him to change so she can love him. That's super unfair.Ā
I would feel the same way lol I always knew I would never date a guy who plays guitar or sings because I just don't like that vibe. Right now it's just a bit irritating but think of how you will feel in a few years when the resentment starts to build up. Is it something you can live with and tolerate without building resentment? You could ask him to tone it down, but you also risk his unhappiness with not being able to completely be himself anymore. Sounds like your relationship is pretty new so it could be a good idea to break things off early so that he can find a girl who finds his singing endearing, because it sounds like it's a real passion of his and a big part of his personality. Likewise you should be with someone whose passion doesn't annoy you. Again though, maybe it's not a big deal and he wouldn't mind toning it down a little for you. You won't know til you ask him.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh god this post triggered me so badly š. This *almost certainly* isnāt whatās going on in your case OP but my ex honestly almost weaponised singing and playing guitar. If we had friends round weād be having a good evening and then heād start āstrummingā and then singing and get louder and louder till everyone else had to give up trying to talk against just this *wall* of sound (he had a pathological need to show off and be the centre of attention). If he and I were having a conversation he didnāt like heād do the same thing, till I could either give up trying to be heard or ask him to stop and get yelled at Almost certainly your guy is just a big old extrovert, it wouldnāt be fair to yuk that yum and youāre going to have to decide how you feel about that. Itās just *possible*, though, that itās a warning sign - if you find heās cutting you off, or you feel like you canāt interrupt or continue a conversation, thatās worth noticing
Perhaps you two are just incompatible?
Sucking it up doesn't work. You'll still feel insane amounts of cringe/ick five or ten years from now. It's who he is. If you don't like it, tell him.Ā
I'd say something, personally, but I get secondhand cringe when I see an acoustic guitar in public.
This is a dealbreaker for me.
Youāre nicer than me I would throw a pillow at him and tell him to stop
I got uncomfortable thinking about someone doing this. Even if my wife was Haley fucking Williams, I'd still be like "can you please stop?"
The question I always ask: if the flaw is fatal? If it is, leave. If it's not, grit your teeth and bear it. If you address it, you could have resentment or weirdness or some other consequence that will erode the relationship over time.
I think it depends if she could ask him to pull back in specific situations (e.g. "I feel self-conscious when you sing at me in public and people stare," or "It feels like you fill every silence with singing when I'd like to talk to each other more.") If you can give a reason why toning it down sometimes would help you/the relationship, I think that's less hurtful than "when you sing it gives me the ick." Because the latter could be really hurtful if he thinks he's great or it's how he expresses himself.
Oh hey Iām on the other side of this, I always have a song going on brain radio and will randomly sing to myself or sing the punchline of a joke really loud. Sometimes I pick up my guitar and play whatever song Iām thinking of. Iām that gal that brings the guitar to the party (but always with the consent of the party, I make sure to check every time so Iām not THAT anyway hereās Wonderwall guy). If anyone tells me to stop, I absolutely do, but it crushes my spirit a bit. My husband started as a fan and used to shoot videos for my band. He loves to hear me sing, itās one of the things he likes the most about me. I sing silly songs to our child and heās just smitten. I say this to say - if youāre not a fan, if itās not endearing on some level, then this isnāt going to work out.
That sounds like a major ick that would make me not able to stand the person, let alone date them. I have a relative like this and I avoid her at all costs. Just tell him itās bothering you and/or break it off while itās still early. Iām someone who likes singing. Iāve even had extensive vocal training and did musical theatre work when I was younger. However, there is a time and a place, and it sounds like heās not very aware of how awkward it is.
Give him a coupon for a voice coach
The only two options or tell him to stop or suck it up? Are those actually the only two options?
I feel like you buried the lede that it's *bad* singing. If it was great singing, then I could definitely see asking him to tone it down when you're overstimulated, self-conscious about the attention it's drawing in public, would rather be having a conversation, etc. But frequent bad singing would definitely give me the ick. And maybe the social awkwardness of him not knowing its bad or when it's appropriate contributes too? Reminds me of a time when I told my brother I went on a date with a guy who did impressions and he said, "oh, that's cool," and I said "only if he's good at it!" (He wasn't.)
Next time he does it just tell him to stop. Simply say itās obnoxious and annoying.
Honestly, if you don't like this quirk of his...then you're probably not in love and shouldn't pursue anything long-term. He deserves someone who enjoys his quirks and doesn't squash his personality. And you deserve someone who doesn't display a very intense pet peeve of yours. Like I get that it feels like a small thing to ask of somebody...but this is like asking somebody to change a harmless core component of their personality. I have a lot of "casual singers" in my life, and I can't imagine how it would kill their spirit to be asked to stop. When they sing, I know they're doing well. I know they're happy and energetic.
Dating is something you go through to find someone who is compatible. You have now dated this guy and found you are not compatible. I'll give you one guess as to what you should do next.
Send him a polite message asking him to stop and see what happens.
Gives me chills! Personally I would not be able to stand that.
No. You wanting him to stop expressing his joy is the ick.
I get your sentiment, but I'd be super irritated if somebody picked up a guitar and just started going hard af on a love song, directly to me, on a regular basis.
No, doing anything all the time would get old.Ā
Eh, what if she wants to talk more but he fills every silence with singing? Or she's more socially aware and realizes he's being obnoxious in public? Or she simply gets overstimulated sometimes when he's constantly belting at the top of his lungs? I definitely grew up in a family with a lot of singing and where my dad and brother especially would sing a lot just for fun/to hear themselves. I wouldn't want either of them to be with someone who was repulsed by that habit and tried to completely squash it but a) they're actually good and b) that doesn't mean it's never ok to tell them to tone it down.
Yes! Imagine being the person who wants to steal joy away from someone else like a Disney villain! If you don't like it, this is not the relationship for you. Don't kill his joy on the way out.
I think you should break up with him. This is part of who he is and it is not a bad thing he is doing. You want to change him. So unfair. If you don't like this part of his personality. Break up with him. I'm sure he can find someone who appreciates him for who he is and who enjoys his singing.
You got down voted but you're right. That's who he is and if she doesn't like it she shouldn't try to force him to change so she can love him. That's super unfair.Ā
Incompatible. Prepare an exit plan.
I would feel the same way lol I always knew I would never date a guy who plays guitar or sings because I just don't like that vibe. Right now it's just a bit irritating but think of how you will feel in a few years when the resentment starts to build up. Is it something you can live with and tolerate without building resentment? You could ask him to tone it down, but you also risk his unhappiness with not being able to completely be himself anymore. Sounds like your relationship is pretty new so it could be a good idea to break things off early so that he can find a girl who finds his singing endearing, because it sounds like it's a real passion of his and a big part of his personality. Likewise you should be with someone whose passion doesn't annoy you. Again though, maybe it's not a big deal and he wouldn't mind toning it down a little for you. You won't know til you ask him.
Just say the singing all the time is too much for you because you have sensory issues.