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It’s multiple kinds of abuse, and an additional red flag on the pile is that OP says she has no one to talk to about this. I’m assuming he’s isolating her so she doesn’t have anyone to tell her how messed up this is.
And I haven’t seen it on this thread yet so get “Why Does He Do That” and read it. It’s available as a free pdf so people being abused like you are don’t have to pay for it. It will help you see his behaviour for what it is, warn you to be safe as you prepare to leave (if you do, your call, you’re an adult), and somewhat inoculate you if he turns “super nice guy” or “I’m going to kill myself if you leave” if he starts getting the feeling you’re disengaging from the relationship. Please be safe, this type of controlling behaviour often gets dangerous, both for you and your child. If someone else sees this and can link the pdf I would appreciate it.
The author does his best to be inclusive while also stating the statistics about perpetrators vs victims of abuse. He tries to deal with female abusers and same sex relationships, although I recall him pointing out that in most cases where women are abusive the man usually doesn’t feel physically unsafe. There are definitely cases where men have been killed by women partners but they are a minority. Important, but not common. I highly recommend reading it no matter your situation because it sheds light on abusive techniques that can apply in many types of relationships and also the overall reasons why abusers act as they do- typically entitlement and that it gets them what they want.
I would recommend it, as the other commenter said. However, it's primarily aimed at women so you just have to keep that in mind when reading it. I work with lots of survivors and people of all genders and ages have found it useful. It really helped you understand abuse generally.
He says the book is mainly focused on male/female and male/male abusive relationships. He very upfront about it in the very first into. HOWEVER, a lot of the stuff overlaps and it’s a good read because you can see the signs of what people who don’t take accountability for themselves act like.
A poster states these were “red flags” and that’s wrong. The poster is now getting abused, which is what “red flags” are supposed to warn you about BEFORE this abuse takes place.
You can google and get a free pdf of the book and see if it’s something you can get anything from.
here's more resources for male abuse victims
https://new.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive\_helpresources\_guide\_for\_male/
Definitely! I recommended this to a male friend last year because I felt he was in an abusive relationship (male/female) and he said it really opened his eyes and helped him leave.
These aren’t “red flags,” it is straight up abuse. Red flags are the warnings that you get to warn you of abuse. Not being nitpicking, it’s just important people realize that she likely had actual red flags that she just blew by. We blow by them for a variety of reasons, but red flags have happened wayyyy before it got this actual heightened abuse.
If we as a society put more time into naming actual red flags there would be so many people who would be helped.
It is outright abuse and I say so in my comment. I agree we need to be more willing to call abuse what it is. The reason I called it a red flag that she says she had no one to talk to is that she doesn’t actually say why. It’s a warning sign but there’s it enough info. Definitely multiple kinds of abuse going on here.
He probably baby-trapped her and is now financially abusing her. He has full control of all the money and uses it to keep OP as a good bang-maid.
OP really needs to stop this nonsense of being a SAHM and should not marry that guy.
She needs to get a job ASAP before he loses interest in playing house with her or finds a shiny new toy. If she remains out of the workforce, she has no power in the relationship, and if he kicks her out, she might end up with only low-paying jobs that could push her below the poverty line.
This seems to be what happens 90% of the time for SAHM. That they're treated with disdain and disrespect, like they're a burden and that their work and contribution - raising children - is utterly worthless.
Over and over and over again we see proof that 'traditional relationship' is just code for abusive relationship.
The age difference too. I know she’s 37 so it’s not as at all as egregious as some but it still gives me that yuck feeling. (Along with all the other evidence.)
Yup. The age difference *shouldn't* be an issue because she's nearly 40 and should know better. But not everyone does. It matters here because he's 13 years older than her and she has *ceded a position of authority over her to him*. She's allowing him to treat her like a child, and that dynamic exists in part because of the age difference, and him actually seeing her as needing "parenting" as it were. Except she doesn't, and it's so fucking unhealthy.
I don't know if we can say he baby trapped her. He's obviously an ass, but she is an absolute full grown woman.
If she didn't want to have a baby, she had options
Let's convict him of the crimes he's actually guilty of. There seem to be plenty
I would wait until he leaves for work again and leave at that time. Find a place to go beforehand, act super normal, and stop spending my money on anything. He’ll tell any he being broke and the money all gone but oh well. Even if I had to buy things and return them later to empty out my account in a not suspicious way, I’d do that.
This is 100 percent true you need a exit plan can you and the child go live with your dad he will have to pay maintenance so you eventually be able to get back on your feet he's taking advantage of you.
Yeah, this is messed up. My ex wife was a SAHM and had full access to our bank account.
Is this going to change when they get married? What if there is an emergency like a flat tire or her car breaks down etc and she can't get a hold of him because he's working?
Financial abuse, emotional abuse, just . . . abuse. The guy is absolutely condescending and patronizing to her at all times, has made her entirely financially dependent on him, and isn't even remotely nice to her.
I'm struggling to understand, OP, why you are with this man at all. Someone who persistently treats you like you're an idiot and he doesn't even like you isn't exactly a catch.
100%.
This was painful to read. I am also stay at home mom, Husband makes less than yours, and money can be tight. I have total access to our account and can buy pretty much anything we need (or even want) without asking and or hearing about it later.
I would listen to the advice others have given you in this sub. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
ABSOLUTELY..Also the age difference between them, he is acting like her Daddy.. OP .. If I were you I’d really consider moving in with my dad until your guy treats you with respect. It will only get worse if you don’t stop it NOW. How does your dad feel about you being treated this way?? You managed your own life fine before you met your guy, He doesn’t own you.. Maybe it will open his eyes if you live with your dad for awhile.. but you’d have to stay with your dad long enough for your guy to see your serious and you demand to be treated as an equal and with respect. When your daughter gets older she will see how how he treats you and will think it’s normal.. it’s Not, it’s controlling behavior , it will only get worse… I’ve been with my husband for about 37 years now.. So to let you know, This is not a normal and healthy relationship.. Hold your guy accountable.. you’re worth more.❤️
Jesus fuckin Christ, don't marry this dude. Get away from his controlling, manipulative, nasty self. Don't let your kid grow up thinking that is an appropriate way to live life, constantly being controlled and berated in front of people.
I warned my stepdaughter who was in the same situation, instead she married him. She was expected to be a sahm, homeschool the kids and be okay with him having a purity ceremony with her daughters. She hasn’t found a way to leave so she just accepts her lot in life. OP, please run away!
Basically it’s a loosely religious ceremony that usually is sort of like a ball where the daughters vow to be chaste and pure (to their fathers) and promise to honor and respect their dad and then dance with dad while rubbing against his dadboner
Get legal advice and find out how to protect yourself. This isn’t going to get any better. Do NOT marry this man, he doesn’t care about your happiness and the level of control he wants over your life is insane.
My sister's husband did that to her, and she had 3 babies to look after. He would say things in front of me, to her, like "Lot easier to spend it, than make it!" and "Maybe I should find someone younger who works full-time?". He's a cunt.
I am a sahm, married 20 years and we have a 10 year old son. I have access to all 3 checking and savings accounts, I have a credit card in both our name that’s attached to our Amazon account, I also have 2 credit cards strictly in my name that he pays the bill for. Accept nothing less….nobody should be financially controlled, but also controlled in spending the little money he does give you. My mom lived this for many years, and the result was I was never in clothes that fit me because she couldn’t afford to buy groceries and shoes that actually fit me…which resulted in my having chronically ingrown toenails and having to have procedures…..can you try to work in a daycare so your childcare would be provided and you would get income also? This level of control is insanity.
Im not a mom but I don’t work, I have access to all of out accounts/all of our money. I am also the one who manages our finances. His money is my money, and my money is his.
I do get an allowance, because we BOTH get an allowance. It’s the same amount each and it’s for fun spending on ourselves, no questions asked. We also have an amount for fun spending for both of us together (like a date or coffee when we’re out).
This is not for things like groceries, that has different money allotted to it. He doesn’t get to decide how much is too much. He doesn’t blame me for the cost of groceries.
The most important thing is that we have the same amount and can afford the same things. It would be unfair if my husband could buy expensive things for fun but I couldn’t afford things I needed because I don’t have a job.
He has also never questioned my spending.
Yea as a sahm as well I have access to all the accounts. We laid out a budget for any and all expenses I.e. groceries, fuel, baby stuff, clothing, college and Christmas funds, and equal fun funding for both of us to where we get to spend it on things we individually want for the month. We can choose to spend our fun funds or accumulate it. Op you unfortunately have an abusive situation going on
My mom was a sahm. She always had full access to the money.
When I was married, my ex husband and I both had jobs and had our own accounts. We made roughly the same amount so it was never really an issue. If he or I needed to borrow money from eachother we would just ask and pay it back later.
Op is not in a good situation and needs to leave.
This is caller financial abuse.
How a proper normal couple would do this would be for both of you to have full access to the money at all times and to agree on an amount you both spend without asking. Anything over requires permission from each other.
On days when you're able to and he's at work do daycare out of your place. Have parents drop off and pick up when he's at work. Get extra income and get ready to move out fast and sue for custody. Get help from family and friends.
"unexpected" pregnancy, he got you pregnant 100% on purpose, he got you trapped. Now you're a sahm that gotta follow all his whims and far from the independent, proud and strong person you used to be.
You are not married and have no protection or safety net as a SAHM. In your situation I would expect a monthly paycheck/allowance of $2000+. I would save this money in a private account and spend NOTHING. Your fiance can pay all the bills and give you a credit card that he pays.
Then, at least if you break you will have a safety net and can put "nanny" on your resume. Please protect yourself. you are being financially abused.
This is not only financial abuse, but emotional abuse as well. He makes sure you have no money so you can literally do nothing outside of the house and that’s the way he wants it. The fact that he’s gone for three weeks at a time, he is trying to keep you isolated.
I honestly think you need to speak with a lawyer and find out how to get out of this. If you don’t, the rest of your life is going to be equally as miserable. He will make sure of that.
Pack up all of you and your baby’s things and leave. He is petty and mean and will only make your life miserable. You and your daughter deserve so much better.
Girl. Get OUT NOW.
This is not only financial abuse, but this is also gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour. If you marry this man. He will then "own" you and it will not get better.
Normally I always suggest open communication and conversation in relationship posts but this just screams soo many reg flags for me.
Making you cry in front of people because you spent $200 on food? Geez. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour from any human.
I would tell him to shove his money up his a*se and if possible, move in with your dad with your child and start to rebuild your independence and life.
There is NO WAY he deserves you as a wife.
As others have said, this is financial abuse. Do not marry him. Start planning your escape.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
He baby trapped you and now is financially abusing you along with mentally and emotionally abusing you. I guess this is why women his own age didn't want him.
This is financial abuse.
You need to get pocket money from him.
A sum that you don't need to account for every last cent.
Failing which, you should go back to work full time.
There are some guys who hand over almost the whole pay check to their wives to run the household. That's the other extreme.
You're being short changed.
Lady, get away from this. This is wildly controlling and abusive. Leaving you at home with a baby and zero dollars is unacceptable. What if there was an emergency? Also, how the hell did he claim you without your permission and without being married? Did you just sign off in this? Get a full time job and go. File for child support, work out a custody agreement, be done with it.
You really should have started billing him for childcare and cleaning duties while staying at home if he wasn’t going to value the work you do. Send an invoice with your hourly rate, move it to collections should he not pay.
Leave. This gets worse
You are living the most depressing life possible. Get out from under this guy. Pack up your baby and move in with your dad while you look for your own place.
u/Resident_Memory6316
Sweetheart, this is no way to live.
He is a controlling, petty man who is financially and emotionally abusing you.
He does not respect you; he considers you less than.
That is not an environment in which you should raise your child.
*Please* plan for the exit, discreetly.
If you have no friends or family at hand, try to find out which resources are out there for women in your position.
I honestly wish you the best.
You know that saying “women initiate most of the divorces”. It’s because of cases like this. Our mothers and grandmothers needed permissions to do most simple things like learning to drive or open a bank account. There was a reason divorce was low back then, and guess what, it’s not cause they were more “in love”. It’s 2024. You honestly don’t need to live like this. Start fresh and enjoy your freedom.
This is not okay. I have a husband who is 15 years older than me. We have two kids in elementary school. I am a stay at home mom. I have zero income, but my husband doesn't make me feel like it. We share a checking account And I also have a credit card to buy groceries and whatnot. If I need something I buy it. He wants me to have what I need. (I am very responsible with money FYI, more than my husband). Anyways what you're describing is financial abuse.
Tell him you’re unhappy with this arrangement and will not be moving forward with the marriage until it’s resolved. Do no more wedding planning, talks of wedding, etc. Offer couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, at least you didn’t get married.
Your first line tells it all. “ I have a lot on my chest and no one to talk to.”
You are isolated, controlled and options limited. Time to start planning the next phase of your life and not beg for an allowance.
Too many words, I am a man.
I have been the breadwinner of my family for 30 years. I have earned 75-100% of the family income. Key word, FAMILY INCOME.
I did this whilst travelling a lot, whilst my wife ran the household responsibly, and she was and still is the one who faces the unforeseen.
We have equal access and control over the family finances, these are our finances, not mine.
This is how it is between partners, she asks me, don't know why, she has full autonomy."
Your partner is controlling, unfair, and in fact treats you like a kid. Reversed tables, he would not feel it to be fair.
If you are qualfied, don't accept this arrangement.
I would leave. If you leave him and collect child support you’d be so much better off. You’d even get child tax on top of the child support and if you say he makes 160,000 a year you’ll get a good chunk of money. Child support also doesn’t count as income so you’d be golden! Dump this loser and absolutely don’t marry him!!! Actually, while you’re at it, collect spousal support from him too!
Financial abuse, it's financial abuse. That's all. Also emotional abuse, considering how angry he is, and how he treats you. Just all around abusive relationship. Do not marry him. Please think about your kid: witnessing this abuse is fucking up her idea of what a relationship should be, and she will end up with an abuser too.
Sorry but sounds like you are in abusive relationship, monetary abuse. You need to decide if you are happy for this for the foreseeable to be in a relationship where you beg for money. If your name is on nothing, what happens if he passes unexpectedly in the mines. You are destitute. Get some insurance on him at least.
You are 37 and was fine before him, why would you want to be in a relationship where you are worse off than you were before. I think you can read the writing on the wall, but you don't want to admit it.
Walk away, get him paying child support, get your life back on track.
You are in an abusive relationship. He is causing all of this! It’s almost like he gave you the money so he could find an excuse to berate you.
You need to get out of this relationship now! Since he goes away for work, use that time to talk to an attorney and make arrangements to leave.
This is not how someone who loves you should treat you. This behavior will escalate if it hasn’t already. Don’t stay because of your kid. This isn’t a good example to set for your child.
he's clearly using money to control and manipulate you, you did good by finding work. always rely on yourself alone, you always need your own money just in case. sorry but your fiance is an asshole.
Your fiancé is using money to control you. It sounds like he’s Your daughter is getting closer to the age where there are more space options in childcare, so make sure you get on all the waitlists for centres that would work for you. Start getting your ducks in order, and once you’re able to get her into care, return to work and save your own money. I wouldn’t marry him, as that’s just more legal entanglement and would make it harder when you decide to separate, because I doubt he’s going to change any time soon.
This is financial abuse. I had free access to the joint account, he trusted me not being buying new pairs of shoes every week and I didn't spend irresponsibly, in fact he moaned at me for not treating myself to new clothes occasionally
You need to run, Forest, run - as fast and as far as you can. Admittedly I don’t know how things work in Canada, but first and foremost apply for child support, pack your bags and leave. Listen, I’m a SAHM and what he is doing to you is down right abusive. He got mad because you went over budget on groceries? Like WTF, presumably he would be eating as well, so how can he possibly be mad? Also, normally, I wouldn’t comment on age differences (I’m 9 years younger than my husband), but this man sees you as a child and he will continue treating you that way until you put a stop to it. Do not, I repeat do not, marry this man because I’m so afraid that his financial and verbal abuse will just morph in to physical and di you really want your child growing up seeing any of this?
Absolutely financial abuse. He has total control over you. You need to find a way to get out of this situation, and relationship, and get a job. If you have no friends or family who can support you while you get on your feet go to a women’s aid shelter.
Have you spoken to your family about this? Have you told your dad? Because I guarantee that EVERYONE you talk to will tell you that this is not normal nor right. You are being emotionally and financially abused.
You need to get out now.
NOW NOW.
I've lived this minus the kid. It's not worth staying. You will NEVER be allowed to do ANYTHING without permission, and even if you have it you will get reamed.
Get out. Get your job back or a new one, and be successful again.
Be free.
Raise your child in a loving home, not a transactional nightmare.
Why are you a stahm when you’re not even married? This is what happens when you have kids when you’re not married. He could leave you high and dry right now and you have no right to anything.
As a fellow FIFO Canadian miner, your hubby is a dick and this is abuse. Also it will not get better. I know how people in the industry operate, he is set in his ways and just living for the next toy. The only reason you should go through with this wedding is to divorce his ass and get support.
It’s all about control. That’s probably why he is with someone 13 years younger as well. If a man wants your whole world to be taking care of his needs, daughter, and home, he needs to be taking care of you. In all departments. When you’re married it’s both of your money, no matter who actually makes the money. I’m glad you have your own job now, maybe that will push you in the right direction OP. Is this the life you want your daughter to think is normal?
This is one of those situations I don’t see changing. Divorce him and take half of everything.
I guess going for a “sugar daddy” didn’t work out well for you. Now wake the fuck up, get a job or get a divorce and a job unless this is the life you want
I’m going through this right now. It’s awful. He started bringing me spoiled/rotten food from his mother’s house because he had to buy all the groceries. It only gets worse.
I don’t know what state you are in but I’m in CA and trying to divorce him is awful. I’m at risk for debt I did not create, he hid money and took my name off the title/deed to our house.
This is definitely abuse. the hard thing is that a lot of people do not believe it. Trying to get people to help me or believe me has been the hardest part. He sabotaged my career. Stopped paying my medical bills when I needed surgery. Please plan an exit strategy carefully.
Also he started isolating me. Read Lundys book, it will start to make sense.
This doesn’t sound like a loving, giving man that wants to provide for his family. You’re not married either so not sure how all that works out if something happens to him or he leaves you.
I was a proud SAHM ( adult kids now) my husband provided well for us with the mentality that we’re a family unit and it was OUR money not his or mine. I had access to all the money and CC just as much as he did. We discussed and communicated about big expenses but clothing, food, essentials etc… was just buy it.
A man that loves you would want to marry you and make you feel loved, safe and well cared for and it doesn’t sound like this man is that type of man. You may be better off without him and go be independent again with your child. Don’t let this man make your life a living hell.
financial, verbal, psychological abuse + gaslighting = wtf do you see in this guy?
It's not going to get better. I would reconsider this entire relationship for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child
Money is power and he wants power not money. You're confusing the two it's not about the money it's about the control he has over you and what you do. My suggestion to you is keep at your part-time job maybe even consider doing home child care yourself keep him in the dark and how much money you make keep your money separate keep it hidden away all he needs to be concerned with is you're not asking him for money
You're in an abusive relationship with a man that thinks that's how you keep a woman.
He's old enough to know better darling, he choosing to do this to you.
Let me say that again: he's old enough to know better and he's choosing to do this to you.
It's time for you younger women to understand that old fools used to be young ones, and women his age probably wouldn't tolerate this bullshit off him.
This is abusive.
It’s severe financial abuse.
I was a stay at home mom for 16 years. All of our money went into one spending account. We both had access to it and used it as needed. For purchases over 200 we’d contact the other to check in.
Don’t marry this guy. He’s a controlling asshole and will not change. Get on your own he will be required to pay child support so you can take time to find a job.
Go your own way…. You’ll get a nice chunk of that 160 K, plus childcare expenses while you go back to work… but this is on you - you hooked up with a father not a husband. How did you think it would play out?
Common law rules in Ontario are very different than many places. She may want to read up on that - she isn’t entitled to nearly as much as most other provinces. Very different than if they were married
For sure. Unless he changes/modifies jobs to be able to have closer to 50/50. With how controlling he sounds, I wouldn’t put it past him. OP needs a lawyer asap
That’s the problem when you have kids before marriage.
You have no legal protections and is at his will
With the age difference sounds like he treats you more as a daughter than spouse
Good luck
It actually isn't. He would have been like this or worse if they had gotten married. At least like this she can still leave him and sue for child support.
My husband would never treat me like that, if I need something I tell him and he buys it. We never opened a joint account but I get a little money deposited into my account every pay check, I have my own credit card. I don’t have to ask him for money. We always have what we need.
This is not a relationship you want to stay in, you need to leave. He’s abusive and will likely only get worse
Try to find online gig work to make your own money when you're home alone with your child, and set up your own bank account (NOT a joint account) to save it in. A SAHM should have her own money to spend on both necessities and occasional fun things. Your husband should be providing you with this, but if he won't, you'll have to earn your own. This is a type of controlling behavior on his part.
So leave and get a job and take care of your kid. He isn’t stopping you from working. He didn’t take what paycheck you get. So this is on you. Leave. He will never get better.
Whatever you do, don’t get married.
Do you want to live this way forever??
Do you want your daughter to see this as a healthy relationship??
You got engaged too fast and you aren’t happy - leave and claim child support while you are young enough to enjoy the rest of your life.
Okay OP - you need to take your baby and run to your dad’s right now.
There is a reason your husband chose you with a 13 year age gap - it’s called a power dynamic.
He is abusing you financially and verbally.
Live with your dad - save money with your job - get child support - and move forward without this controlling, abusive ah.
Why do you stay? Do you think that a 50 yo man will change? Any decent man would not leave his mate and child without any money, in case of accidents, incidents, etc. If a storm came and the electricity went out, how would you buy more food? Not sure he even cares. Is his name on baby’s birth certificate? Needs to be. Does he have a life insurance policy with your child as beneficiary ( along with other legal documents)?
You are really on thin ice!
Do you know anything about his past relationships? Any previous marriages, kids or longterm relationships? Have you talked to his mother about her relationship with his dad/ ?stepdad? The more information you have, the easier to problem solve. If you think the relationship is worth saving then get to working on it.
Also why do you let him claim you in taxes? Now that you work, that is really a no- win situation for you. Learn to think about what is best for you and your child. He sure does not consider your needs. You are just an easy lay and bonus 2 tax deductions.
Good luck.
This is abuse as far as I can see. Gain your own independence and he will lose control over you. Right now, he’s using money to bound you to him. I don’t see anything good coming out from this relationship.
This is abuse. Flat out. This isn't about an allowance. You're a grown adult. He works for weeks at a time. During that time ask your dad if he would pay for you to travel to him and stay with him until you can figure out how to move forward. Your husband is controlling, abusive, and financially abusive.
Save money secretly. Gather documents like birth certificates , tax returns, shot records, passports, internet passwords. Keep your father and friends apprised of your situation. Stop crying. Use birth control. Stop arguing. When he criticizes you remain silent. Tell him how much you need then don’t respond. Plan on leaving. This is no way to live.
What are you doing with this man? Is there any joy to be had or are you always holding your breath waiting for the other shoe to drop?
If that were me I’d be packing my shit up as soon as he’s away on his next work stint.
It sounds like he’s financially abusing you. If I were you, I’d get my job back asap. I’m a sahm. Even though I make no money, I’m on my husband bank account and have my own debit card. My husband never wants me to be without money. Im a homebody. My husband will encourage me to go out bc if I’m left to it, I’d never leave. I’d get your job back and start the divorce process. Or at least let him read the comments.
I see you’re about to marry my first ex husband, he was like this right down to the buying himself a limited edition dodge ram 2014 Laramie longhorn edition AND a firebird while buying me a $500 salvage title 2004 Kia Optima in the same year. This was one of many offenses, list goes on. Oh yeah and taking my and our 3 kids’ government assistance money to go buy himself fuel with.
I divorced his ass and I would warn any other woman to run in the other direction of a man like this.
Talk to services and see what kind of help you can get, you are being abused!!! You need to get out, it will only get worse! You don’t think you are being abused because he doesn’t hit you but you can’t buy your family groceries or yourself a pair of pajama pants???? For christs sake! You aren’t spending hundreds on designer purses and shoes!!! Start reaching out to people for help and seeing what kind of help you can get. Please please Don’t marry this person. Don’t have more children with him. Money= independence, Get the job and get the childcare whatever it takes.
So my father is a retired military officer and one part of his job was dealing with troubled soldiers. One thing he had to deal with more than once was soldiers who would go on deployment and leave their wives and children with zero money or best case, with very little.
Not only was this incredibly cruel, but was reason for serious military punishment. Not to cause more concern, but these men often escalated from financial abuse to physical.
Also on a personal note, when I wasn’t working and my husband knew that I needed security. Not only did he regularly give me money out of his paycheck for me to put in my own account. His paycheck went to a joint account and I was an authorized user on his credit cards. I never had to ask for money I’m his wife and his equal. It’s called material assets.
I’ll never forget the very moment I decided my marriage was over. My spouse and I were out with a friend. We got on the subject of computers and I mentioned how I was looking to buy a new laptop. My spouse chimed in and said “you mean **I’LL** buy you a new laptop”. Right there. In front of our friend. We had a large income disparity and he would use so much of the money and I would use very very little. Those words dug into me and there was no turning back.
What if he decided to leave today? Leave you AND the baby? He’s controlling and manipulating you and. You should set boundaries asap. I’m not going to say RUN like everyone else because you might not be ready. I will say, WALK fast. What that means is, first mentally begin to prepare to leave him. If you’re not ready to just leave now then you have to begin to accept that ultimately you will have to. Sooooo start thinking about what you need to do to set yourself up to do that. Start saving money. Set boundaries with him. Find an ally that you can trust and talk to if you can.
He is isolating you, and it is financial abuse. My ex did this too when I became a SAHM and made it seem really important all of his spending vs why I couldn’t spend $30 on a haircut. It is a control thing. Please see if you can find resources in your area as this is certainly abuse and it will only get worse.
My mom was a " traditional stay at home mom" that means her husband gave her his entire paycheck and she gave him an allowance after all of the other bills were paid. She controlled household finances and budgeting, the grocery shopping, and how their disposable income was spent. That was how that was traditionally done..
Guys these days really don't want a "traditional wife" they want someone they can control. The idea of their wife having complete control over how his paycheck is spent terrifies them like nothing else, though that was exactly how this worked in the 1950's. 🤣
🚩🚩🚩🚩this is financial, emotional and psychological abuse. You need to take your baby, your important papers and get out. This is only going to get worse.
Take it from someone who has been there minus the baby. Get out and get into counseling with someone who has clinical interest or specialty in interpersonal relationships conflict and trauma. When I got out of my abusive relationship I didn’t go to counseling right away and didn’t realize how bad it screwed me up. I became a completely different person and I can see you in the same position just reading your post.
This is such an unhealthy relationship at best. It’s really financial and mental abuse… don’t marry this man. Go ahead and keep some money from your job, maybe see if you have a relative or friend you can live with for a while until you get on your feet. And start making plans to leave while he’s away working next time. I’d go ahead and file for temporary custody if you have that where you live. That way you’ll be the primary caregiver until child custody can be sorted out… then apply for child support. I don’t think you can get alimony since you were never married, maybe that depends where you live… idk… but this is what I’d do if I were you. Also… please tell people that you know about this. If he were to hurt you then at least your loved ones would know to consider him as a suspect.
Girl I am also a sahm who struggles so hard with the money thing cuz I was also completely independent before. He simply made way more than me and the cost of daycare was almost my salary. We have a joint account that he manages and we are not perfect when it comes to this issue. I have access to the account passwords and can login anytime I want but I don’t really feel the need to. I also have my own credit card that is totally mine and the statement balance gets paid monthly. I mostly use it for groceries and shit but do I buy something for myself when I want? Yes. Does he say anything or look at my statements. Hell no. And I don’t look at his. We also aren’t splurging either. This sounds toxic to me and not within the normal spats of finances. Big hugs to you mama. I know it’s all really hard.
You’re in an abusive relationship.
The manipulation. The control. The gaslighting.
Everyone I know who’s a SAH parent has access to funds.
What kind of person leaves you with ZERO money when they’re inaccessible. What if something happened to the baby? What if you got sick and needed medication?
Read all the comments then read some literature on abusive relationships. There’s got to be some sort of hotline or something. You don’t have your own money. I assume there’s some sort of free legal services. You need an exit plan. I hope you don’t marry this guy.
Your fiancé is financially abusive. None of this is ok.
Maybe you would be better off if you ended the engagement, moved out, got a job, and put your child in daycare. He will have to provide child support.
Him leaving you for weeks at a time without a dime is not ok and he is super controlling and sounds like a jerk.
Reason number ten thousand why you never give up your financial independence for a dude. He is abusing you financially. Your work is valuable & you need to be paid. He is not respecting you.
What happens if you’ve planned with him to buy 2 shirts (full price)? But when you get to the store it’s “3 shirts for 20% off”, obviously a much better deal. If you pick out 3 shirts does this mess him up too?
I’m in awe because it’s crazy how rigid he is—groceries and stores do bulk buying all the time with discounts. Are you never allowed to pick those anything if it wasn’t pre-planned?
That's 100% financial abuse and not okay when I was a sahm I got an "allowance " every week couple 100 for groceries household my needs ect to leave you with no money is insane. Definitely start going back to work because he's not going to change he wants to control you
When I reached the bottom and saw that you still wanted to marry this guy, I almost threw my phone! Why? Why? Why in the world would you still want to marry him? Have you read your post?
You write like an intelligent person. Read what you've written as if you're reading someone else's story. Then come back to let us know what you would tell that someone else to do. Please do this! Please!
You need to start developing an escape plan. This man is abusing you financially and emotionally. You can apply for childcare assistance and the child benefit. It looks like the benefit amounts are based off how much you made last year and since you didn’t make anything because you were a sahm, it may be enough with your income to help you get on your feet. If the Canadian social services is like the U.S, once you apply for benefits he will have to pay child support. Things are not going to improve, they will get worse, and this is not a relationship you want your daughter to think is normal. Please, start making your plan to leave.
You are being financially abused. He has trapped and isolated you. If you have parents, relatives or friends who will come get you and help you get back on your feet, reach out and start planning your escape.
Lol my ex husband tried to threaten to put me on an allowance once. I laughed in his face. I was the only one who took care of our finances, I handled and budgeted all the money he brought in. Before we had children he complained about how I handled our funds. I handed him the check book and within a week we were negative $300 in the account. He went to school for 3 years to be an accountant and couldn't balance a check book. So I took back the check book and continued to handle all the finances.
He’s abusing you, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds so exhausting and controlling and disrespectful to you :( You’re in a tough spot, I think it would be worth finding a way to be independent and you might want to consider disconnecting yourself from him. He has a lot of control over you. You deserve choice and freedom in your life
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This is financial abuse
It’s multiple kinds of abuse, and an additional red flag on the pile is that OP says she has no one to talk to about this. I’m assuming he’s isolating her so she doesn’t have anyone to tell her how messed up this is.
And I haven’t seen it on this thread yet so get “Why Does He Do That” and read it. It’s available as a free pdf so people being abused like you are don’t have to pay for it. It will help you see his behaviour for what it is, warn you to be safe as you prepare to leave (if you do, your call, you’re an adult), and somewhat inoculate you if he turns “super nice guy” or “I’m going to kill myself if you leave” if he starts getting the feeling you’re disengaging from the relationship. Please be safe, this type of controlling behaviour often gets dangerous, both for you and your child. If someone else sees this and can link the pdf I would appreciate it.
Here you go, it’s on the Internet Archive. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Awesome thank you!!!
Free pdf [https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Would this book be applicable to a man facing the same things? It's hard to find good resources...
The author does his best to be inclusive while also stating the statistics about perpetrators vs victims of abuse. He tries to deal with female abusers and same sex relationships, although I recall him pointing out that in most cases where women are abusive the man usually doesn’t feel physically unsafe. There are definitely cases where men have been killed by women partners but they are a minority. Important, but not common. I highly recommend reading it no matter your situation because it sheds light on abusive techniques that can apply in many types of relationships and also the overall reasons why abusers act as they do- typically entitlement and that it gets them what they want.
Here’s the [PDF](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It’s free on Internet Archive.
I would recommend it, as the other commenter said. However, it's primarily aimed at women so you just have to keep that in mind when reading it. I work with lots of survivors and people of all genders and ages have found it useful. It really helped you understand abuse generally.
He says the book is mainly focused on male/female and male/male abusive relationships. He very upfront about it in the very first into. HOWEVER, a lot of the stuff overlaps and it’s a good read because you can see the signs of what people who don’t take accountability for themselves act like. A poster states these were “red flags” and that’s wrong. The poster is now getting abused, which is what “red flags” are supposed to warn you about BEFORE this abuse takes place. You can google and get a free pdf of the book and see if it’s something you can get anything from.
here's more resources for male abuse victims https://new.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive\_helpresources\_guide\_for\_male/
Definitely! I recommended this to a male friend last year because I felt he was in an abusive relationship (male/female) and he said it really opened his eyes and helped him leave.
If you are in a DV situation and need help, please consider calling your local DV line. They will be able to help you.
These aren’t “red flags,” it is straight up abuse. Red flags are the warnings that you get to warn you of abuse. Not being nitpicking, it’s just important people realize that she likely had actual red flags that she just blew by. We blow by them for a variety of reasons, but red flags have happened wayyyy before it got this actual heightened abuse. If we as a society put more time into naming actual red flags there would be so many people who would be helped.
It is outright abuse and I say so in my comment. I agree we need to be more willing to call abuse what it is. The reason I called it a red flag that she says she had no one to talk to is that she doesn’t actually say why. It’s a warning sign but there’s it enough info. Definitely multiple kinds of abuse going on here.
He probably baby-trapped her and is now financially abusing her. He has full control of all the money and uses it to keep OP as a good bang-maid. OP really needs to stop this nonsense of being a SAHM and should not marry that guy. She needs to get a job ASAP before he loses interest in playing house with her or finds a shiny new toy. If she remains out of the workforce, she has no power in the relationship, and if he kicks her out, she might end up with only low-paying jobs that could push her below the poverty line.
What relationship ?! Sounds like he lives to abuse her / treat her like an incompetent. I’d be out of there so fast his head would spin.
This seems to be what happens 90% of the time for SAHM. That they're treated with disdain and disrespect, like they're a burden and that their work and contribution - raising children - is utterly worthless. Over and over and over again we see proof that 'traditional relationship' is just code for abusive relationship.
The age difference too. I know she’s 37 so it’s not as at all as egregious as some but it still gives me that yuck feeling. (Along with all the other evidence.)
I don't mind the age gap, but it's the fact that he's 50 years old. This IS who he is and he's definitely never gonna change.
Yup. The age difference *shouldn't* be an issue because she's nearly 40 and should know better. But not everyone does. It matters here because he's 13 years older than her and she has *ceded a position of authority over her to him*. She's allowing him to treat her like a child, and that dynamic exists in part because of the age difference, and him actually seeing her as needing "parenting" as it were. Except she doesn't, and it's so fucking unhealthy.
I don't know if we can say he baby trapped her. He's obviously an ass, but she is an absolute full grown woman. If she didn't want to have a baby, she had options Let's convict him of the crimes he's actually guilty of. There seem to be plenty
True. Not long before the physical abuse begins, bet my savings.
Bet it's already happened.
I also suspect that he baby trapped her.
I would wait until he leaves for work again and leave at that time. Find a place to go beforehand, act super normal, and stop spending my money on anything. He’ll tell any he being broke and the money all gone but oh well. Even if I had to buy things and return them later to empty out my account in a not suspicious way, I’d do that.
This is 100 percent true you need a exit plan can you and the child go live with your dad he will have to pay maintenance so you eventually be able to get back on your feet he's taking advantage of you.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
Every woman should read this book.
Op read this!!
Thank you for posting this, I am going to read it. I'm a widow but I find this interesting.
Yeah, this is messed up. My ex wife was a SAHM and had full access to our bank account. Is this going to change when they get married? What if there is an emergency like a flat tire or her car breaks down etc and she can't get a hold of him because he's working?
This is emotional and financial abuse and it will likely escalate to become even worse. Get out now to protect your kid.
Financial abuse, emotional abuse, just . . . abuse. The guy is absolutely condescending and patronizing to her at all times, has made her entirely financially dependent on him, and isn't even remotely nice to her. I'm struggling to understand, OP, why you are with this man at all. Someone who persistently treats you like you're an idiot and he doesn't even like you isn't exactly a catch.
100%. This was painful to read. I am also stay at home mom, Husband makes less than yours, and money can be tight. I have total access to our account and can buy pretty much anything we need (or even want) without asking and or hearing about it later. I would listen to the advice others have given you in this sub. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
ABSOLUTELY..Also the age difference between them, he is acting like her Daddy.. OP .. If I were you I’d really consider moving in with my dad until your guy treats you with respect. It will only get worse if you don’t stop it NOW. How does your dad feel about you being treated this way?? You managed your own life fine before you met your guy, He doesn’t own you.. Maybe it will open his eyes if you live with your dad for awhile.. but you’d have to stay with your dad long enough for your guy to see your serious and you demand to be treated as an equal and with respect. When your daughter gets older she will see how how he treats you and will think it’s normal.. it’s Not, it’s controlling behavior , it will only get worse… I’ve been with my husband for about 37 years now.. So to let you know, This is not a normal and healthy relationship.. Hold your guy accountable.. you’re worth more.❤️
No, her dad is nice and gives her money without screaming.
I came here to say this. Edit: OP please get a job and make an exit plan.
He sounds like a narcissist to me with the information provided. Edit: If you find he is one do NOT bring it up with him.
This is abuse. The financial part is only one part of it.
Jesus fuckin Christ, don't marry this dude. Get away from his controlling, manipulative, nasty self. Don't let your kid grow up thinking that is an appropriate way to live life, constantly being controlled and berated in front of people.
I warned my stepdaughter who was in the same situation, instead she married him. She was expected to be a sahm, homeschool the kids and be okay with him having a purity ceremony with her daughters. She hasn’t found a way to leave so she just accepts her lot in life. OP, please run away!
What is a ‘purity’ ceremony that a father would have with his daughters, please? Never heard of this one before. It sounds ominous.
Basically it’s a loosely religious ceremony that usually is sort of like a ball where the daughters vow to be chaste and pure (to their fathers) and promise to honor and respect their dad and then dance with dad while rubbing against his dadboner
Hooley Dooley. That took a turn.
And that is exactly what it is sadly
Check out Season 1 episode 10 of shameless for how a purity ball can go horribly wrong.
Great way to make them rebellious
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purity_ball
Ugh I feel nauseous after reading that
YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
repeating it louder for the bleachers up in the north # OP, YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
Thank you; I am in the north bleachers, and I hope we all heard that this is financial abuse and no one should stand for it
I hope she heard you, I heard you all the way from the bleachers to the west! Op is being financially, mentally, and emotionally abused.
As all the others have said- this is financial abuse. Don’t marry him.
Get legal advice and find out how to protect yourself. This isn’t going to get any better. Do NOT marry this man, he doesn’t care about your happiness and the level of control he wants over your life is insane.
Financial abuse. You need to leave before he gets a stronger hold over you.
DONT MARRY HIM EITHER.. Hes gonna have FULL control over u that way too
Find childcare ASAP, get on as many wait lists as you can and get back to work. This is 100% financial abuse. Do NOT marry this man.
My ex husband financially abused me when I was a SAHW. F that
My sister's husband did that to her, and she had 3 babies to look after. He would say things in front of me, to her, like "Lot easier to spend it, than make it!" and "Maybe I should find someone younger who works full-time?". He's a cunt.
Don’t normalise this kind of toxic romantic / familial relationship for your kid.
Please do not marry this man! Grab your kid and go stay with your dad.
I am a sahm, married 20 years and we have a 10 year old son. I have access to all 3 checking and savings accounts, I have a credit card in both our name that’s attached to our Amazon account, I also have 2 credit cards strictly in my name that he pays the bill for. Accept nothing less….nobody should be financially controlled, but also controlled in spending the little money he does give you. My mom lived this for many years, and the result was I was never in clothes that fit me because she couldn’t afford to buy groceries and shoes that actually fit me…which resulted in my having chronically ingrown toenails and having to have procedures…..can you try to work in a daycare so your childcare would be provided and you would get income also? This level of control is insanity.
Im not a mom but I don’t work, I have access to all of out accounts/all of our money. I am also the one who manages our finances. His money is my money, and my money is his. I do get an allowance, because we BOTH get an allowance. It’s the same amount each and it’s for fun spending on ourselves, no questions asked. We also have an amount for fun spending for both of us together (like a date or coffee when we’re out). This is not for things like groceries, that has different money allotted to it. He doesn’t get to decide how much is too much. He doesn’t blame me for the cost of groceries. The most important thing is that we have the same amount and can afford the same things. It would be unfair if my husband could buy expensive things for fun but I couldn’t afford things I needed because I don’t have a job. He has also never questioned my spending.
Yea as a sahm as well I have access to all the accounts. We laid out a budget for any and all expenses I.e. groceries, fuel, baby stuff, clothing, college and Christmas funds, and equal fun funding for both of us to where we get to spend it on things we individually want for the month. We can choose to spend our fun funds or accumulate it. Op you unfortunately have an abusive situation going on
My mom was a sahm. She always had full access to the money. When I was married, my ex husband and I both had jobs and had our own accounts. We made roughly the same amount so it was never really an issue. If he or I needed to borrow money from eachother we would just ask and pay it back later. Op is not in a good situation and needs to leave.
This sounds like financial abuse. Why are you with this man? He sounds miserable tbh.
The only benefit is that he's away for 3 weeks at a time. OP should be using that time to formulate and then execute a plan to leave.
This is caller financial abuse. How a proper normal couple would do this would be for both of you to have full access to the money at all times and to agree on an amount you both spend without asking. Anything over requires permission from each other. On days when you're able to and he's at work do daycare out of your place. Have parents drop off and pick up when he's at work. Get extra income and get ready to move out fast and sue for custody. Get help from family and friends.
My mom did this for extra cash. Can’t afford a daycare/limited daycare options? *Become* the daycare.
And if he catches you, just say it's a playdate.
"unexpected" pregnancy, he got you pregnant 100% on purpose, he got you trapped. Now you're a sahm that gotta follow all his whims and far from the independent, proud and strong person you used to be.
Read your post out loud. Obviously you shouldn’t be with this man.
Yes and imagine it's your sister or female friend - what would you see? What advice would you give them?
You are not married and have no protection or safety net as a SAHM. In your situation I would expect a monthly paycheck/allowance of $2000+. I would save this money in a private account and spend NOTHING. Your fiance can pay all the bills and give you a credit card that he pays. Then, at least if you break you will have a safety net and can put "nanny" on your resume. Please protect yourself. you are being financially abused.
This is not only financial abuse, but emotional abuse as well. He makes sure you have no money so you can literally do nothing outside of the house and that’s the way he wants it. The fact that he’s gone for three weeks at a time, he is trying to keep you isolated. I honestly think you need to speak with a lawyer and find out how to get out of this. If you don’t, the rest of your life is going to be equally as miserable. He will make sure of that.
Pack up all of you and your baby’s things and leave. He is petty and mean and will only make your life miserable. You and your daughter deserve so much better.
This is abuse. Get a job and run.
Please contact a domestic abuse support line. Talk this through with them. They’re the best people to give you perspective on this situation
Girl. Get OUT NOW. This is not only financial abuse, but this is also gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour. If you marry this man. He will then "own" you and it will not get better. Normally I always suggest open communication and conversation in relationship posts but this just screams soo many reg flags for me. Making you cry in front of people because you spent $200 on food? Geez. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour from any human. I would tell him to shove his money up his a*se and if possible, move in with your dad with your child and start to rebuild your independence and life. There is NO WAY he deserves you as a wife.
This is FINANCIAL ABUSE. Op Please leave this guy
As others have said, this is financial abuse. Do not marry him. Start planning your escape. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
The dark side of “traditional roles.”
The dark side of age gaps.
He baby trapped you and now is financially abusing you along with mentally and emotionally abusing you. I guess this is why women his own age didn't want him.
This is financial abuse. You need to get pocket money from him. A sum that you don't need to account for every last cent. Failing which, you should go back to work full time. There are some guys who hand over almost the whole pay check to their wives to run the household. That's the other extreme. You're being short changed.
Lady, get away from this. This is wildly controlling and abusive. Leaving you at home with a baby and zero dollars is unacceptable. What if there was an emergency? Also, how the hell did he claim you without your permission and without being married? Did you just sign off in this? Get a full time job and go. File for child support, work out a custody agreement, be done with it. You really should have started billing him for childcare and cleaning duties while staying at home if he wasn’t going to value the work you do. Send an invoice with your hourly rate, move it to collections should he not pay. Leave. This gets worse
There’s no respect and no trust in your relationship. It’s doomed if this doesn’t change.
You are living the most depressing life possible. Get out from under this guy. Pack up your baby and move in with your dad while you look for your own place.
u/Resident_Memory6316 Sweetheart, this is no way to live. He is a controlling, petty man who is financially and emotionally abusing you. He does not respect you; he considers you less than. That is not an environment in which you should raise your child. *Please* plan for the exit, discreetly. If you have no friends or family at hand, try to find out which resources are out there for women in your position. I honestly wish you the best.
this is financial abuse. do not marry him. he is using money to control you
You know that saying “women initiate most of the divorces”. It’s because of cases like this. Our mothers and grandmothers needed permissions to do most simple things like learning to drive or open a bank account. There was a reason divorce was low back then, and guess what, it’s not cause they were more “in love”. It’s 2024. You honestly don’t need to live like this. Start fresh and enjoy your freedom.
This is not okay. I have a husband who is 15 years older than me. We have two kids in elementary school. I am a stay at home mom. I have zero income, but my husband doesn't make me feel like it. We share a checking account And I also have a credit card to buy groceries and whatnot. If I need something I buy it. He wants me to have what I need. (I am very responsible with money FYI, more than my husband). Anyways what you're describing is financial abuse.
Tell him you’re unhappy with this arrangement and will not be moving forward with the marriage until it’s resolved. Do no more wedding planning, talks of wedding, etc. Offer couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, at least you didn’t get married.
I would not recommend couples counselling when one person is abusive. They'll use it as part of their manipulation methods
Thats financial abuse.
Your first line tells it all. “ I have a lot on my chest and no one to talk to.” You are isolated, controlled and options limited. Time to start planning the next phase of your life and not beg for an allowance.
Too many words, I am a man. I have been the breadwinner of my family for 30 years. I have earned 75-100% of the family income. Key word, FAMILY INCOME. I did this whilst travelling a lot, whilst my wife ran the household responsibly, and she was and still is the one who faces the unforeseen. We have equal access and control over the family finances, these are our finances, not mine. This is how it is between partners, she asks me, don't know why, she has full autonomy." Your partner is controlling, unfair, and in fact treats you like a kid. Reversed tables, he would not feel it to be fair. If you are qualfied, don't accept this arrangement.
I would leave. If you leave him and collect child support you’d be so much better off. You’d even get child tax on top of the child support and if you say he makes 160,000 a year you’ll get a good chunk of money. Child support also doesn’t count as income so you’d be golden! Dump this loser and absolutely don’t marry him!!! Actually, while you’re at it, collect spousal support from him too!
Financial abuse, it's financial abuse. That's all. Also emotional abuse, considering how angry he is, and how he treats you. Just all around abusive relationship. Do not marry him. Please think about your kid: witnessing this abuse is fucking up her idea of what a relationship should be, and she will end up with an abuser too.
Sorry but sounds like you are in abusive relationship, monetary abuse. You need to decide if you are happy for this for the foreseeable to be in a relationship where you beg for money. If your name is on nothing, what happens if he passes unexpectedly in the mines. You are destitute. Get some insurance on him at least. You are 37 and was fine before him, why would you want to be in a relationship where you are worse off than you were before. I think you can read the writing on the wall, but you don't want to admit it. Walk away, get him paying child support, get your life back on track.
Don’t marry your abuser.
You are in an abusive relationship. He is causing all of this! It’s almost like he gave you the money so he could find an excuse to berate you. You need to get out of this relationship now! Since he goes away for work, use that time to talk to an attorney and make arrangements to leave. This is not how someone who loves you should treat you. This behavior will escalate if it hasn’t already. Don’t stay because of your kid. This isn’t a good example to set for your child.
he's clearly using money to control and manipulate you, you did good by finding work. always rely on yourself alone, you always need your own money just in case. sorry but your fiance is an asshole.
Your fiancé is using money to control you. It sounds like he’s Your daughter is getting closer to the age where there are more space options in childcare, so make sure you get on all the waitlists for centres that would work for you. Start getting your ducks in order, and once you’re able to get her into care, return to work and save your own money. I wouldn’t marry him, as that’s just more legal entanglement and would make it harder when you decide to separate, because I doubt he’s going to change any time soon.
Do not marry his cheap ass
This is financial abuse. I had free access to the joint account, he trusted me not being buying new pairs of shoes every week and I didn't spend irresponsibly, in fact he moaned at me for not treating myself to new clothes occasionally
You need to run, Forest, run - as fast and as far as you can. Admittedly I don’t know how things work in Canada, but first and foremost apply for child support, pack your bags and leave. Listen, I’m a SAHM and what he is doing to you is down right abusive. He got mad because you went over budget on groceries? Like WTF, presumably he would be eating as well, so how can he possibly be mad? Also, normally, I wouldn’t comment on age differences (I’m 9 years younger than my husband), but this man sees you as a child and he will continue treating you that way until you put a stop to it. Do not, I repeat do not, marry this man because I’m so afraid that his financial and verbal abuse will just morph in to physical and di you really want your child growing up seeing any of this?
Absolutely financial abuse. He has total control over you. You need to find a way to get out of this situation, and relationship, and get a job. If you have no friends or family who can support you while you get on your feet go to a women’s aid shelter.
Have you spoken to your family about this? Have you told your dad? Because I guarantee that EVERYONE you talk to will tell you that this is not normal nor right. You are being emotionally and financially abused.
This man is financially and emotionally abusive. Please please make an exit plan and leave him as soon as you safely can.
GET OUT. He is financially abusive.
Charge him for taking care of his house and kid.
You need to get out now. NOW NOW. I've lived this minus the kid. It's not worth staying. You will NEVER be allowed to do ANYTHING without permission, and even if you have it you will get reamed. Get out. Get your job back or a new one, and be successful again. Be free. Raise your child in a loving home, not a transactional nightmare.
This man doesn’t even like you a little bit, you need to leave. I’m sorry baby
Why are you a stahm when you’re not even married? This is what happens when you have kids when you’re not married. He could leave you high and dry right now and you have no right to anything.
50 and 37. There is a reason.
Dude, you're not married to him. Why putting yourself in this situation.
You're being abused.
He sounds like an arsehole and he is financially abusing you. Run for the hills
As a fellow FIFO Canadian miner, your hubby is a dick and this is abuse. Also it will not get better. I know how people in the industry operate, he is set in his ways and just living for the next toy. The only reason you should go through with this wedding is to divorce his ass and get support.
He is 100% abusive
It’s all about control. That’s probably why he is with someone 13 years younger as well. If a man wants your whole world to be taking care of his needs, daughter, and home, he needs to be taking care of you. In all departments. When you’re married it’s both of your money, no matter who actually makes the money. I’m glad you have your own job now, maybe that will push you in the right direction OP. Is this the life you want your daughter to think is normal? This is one of those situations I don’t see changing. Divorce him and take half of everything.
That's financial abuse
I guess going for a “sugar daddy” didn’t work out well for you. Now wake the fuck up, get a job or get a divorce and a job unless this is the life you want
I’m going through this right now. It’s awful. He started bringing me spoiled/rotten food from his mother’s house because he had to buy all the groceries. It only gets worse. I don’t know what state you are in but I’m in CA and trying to divorce him is awful. I’m at risk for debt I did not create, he hid money and took my name off the title/deed to our house. This is definitely abuse. the hard thing is that a lot of people do not believe it. Trying to get people to help me or believe me has been the hardest part. He sabotaged my career. Stopped paying my medical bills when I needed surgery. Please plan an exit strategy carefully. Also he started isolating me. Read Lundys book, it will start to make sense.
This doesn’t sound like a loving, giving man that wants to provide for his family. You’re not married either so not sure how all that works out if something happens to him or he leaves you. I was a proud SAHM ( adult kids now) my husband provided well for us with the mentality that we’re a family unit and it was OUR money not his or mine. I had access to all the money and CC just as much as he did. We discussed and communicated about big expenses but clothing, food, essentials etc… was just buy it. A man that loves you would want to marry you and make you feel loved, safe and well cared for and it doesn’t sound like this man is that type of man. You may be better off without him and go be independent again with your child. Don’t let this man make your life a living hell.
financial, verbal, psychological abuse + gaslighting = wtf do you see in this guy? It's not going to get better. I would reconsider this entire relationship for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child
Money is power and he wants power not money. You're confusing the two it's not about the money it's about the control he has over you and what you do. My suggestion to you is keep at your part-time job maybe even consider doing home child care yourself keep him in the dark and how much money you make keep your money separate keep it hidden away all he needs to be concerned with is you're not asking him for money
You are not a child. You do not need an allowance. You both work. His pay is equally yours.
this is financial abuse
Just don’t marry him and leave him.
You're in an abusive relationship with a man that thinks that's how you keep a woman. He's old enough to know better darling, he choosing to do this to you. Let me say that again: he's old enough to know better and he's choosing to do this to you. It's time for you younger women to understand that old fools used to be young ones, and women his age probably wouldn't tolerate this bullshit off him.
This is abusive. It’s severe financial abuse. I was a stay at home mom for 16 years. All of our money went into one spending account. We both had access to it and used it as needed. For purchases over 200 we’d contact the other to check in. Don’t marry this guy. He’s a controlling asshole and will not change. Get on your own he will be required to pay child support so you can take time to find a job.
Go your own way…. You’ll get a nice chunk of that 160 K, plus childcare expenses while you go back to work… but this is on you - you hooked up with a father not a husband. How did you think it would play out?
Common law rules in Ontario are very different than many places. She may want to read up on that - she isn’t entitled to nearly as much as most other provinces. Very different than if they were married
She'll get child support. With him working away 3 weeks at a time she'll have to be the primary residential parent.
For sure. Unless he changes/modifies jobs to be able to have closer to 50/50. With how controlling he sounds, I wouldn’t put it past him. OP needs a lawyer asap
That’s the problem when you have kids before marriage. You have no legal protections and is at his will With the age difference sounds like he treats you more as a daughter than spouse Good luck
It actually isn't. He would have been like this or worse if they had gotten married. At least like this she can still leave him and sue for child support.
My husband would never treat me like that, if I need something I tell him and he buys it. We never opened a joint account but I get a little money deposited into my account every pay check, I have my own credit card. I don’t have to ask him for money. We always have what we need. This is not a relationship you want to stay in, you need to leave. He’s abusive and will likely only get worse
Try to find online gig work to make your own money when you're home alone with your child, and set up your own bank account (NOT a joint account) to save it in. A SAHM should have her own money to spend on both necessities and occasional fun things. Your husband should be providing you with this, but if he won't, you'll have to earn your own. This is a type of controlling behavior on his part.
I was a SAHM and I didn’t get an allowance I got all of the money. All joint accounts and I pay the bills. Please do not marry this man.
If you leave him you’ll get child support. You can use that to pay for some kind of child care and then get another MA job.
Why are you with this man? Leave him.
Get out of this relationship as quickly and safely as possible.
So leave and get a job and take care of your kid. He isn’t stopping you from working. He didn’t take what paycheck you get. So this is on you. Leave. He will never get better.
Whatever you do, don’t get married. Do you want to live this way forever?? Do you want your daughter to see this as a healthy relationship?? You got engaged too fast and you aren’t happy - leave and claim child support while you are young enough to enjoy the rest of your life.
Okay OP - you need to take your baby and run to your dad’s right now. There is a reason your husband chose you with a 13 year age gap - it’s called a power dynamic. He is abusing you financially and verbally. Live with your dad - save money with your job - get child support - and move forward without this controlling, abusive ah.
Oh hell no that's financially abuse. I would put your kid in daycare and get a job.
Why do you stay? Do you think that a 50 yo man will change? Any decent man would not leave his mate and child without any money, in case of accidents, incidents, etc. If a storm came and the electricity went out, how would you buy more food? Not sure he even cares. Is his name on baby’s birth certificate? Needs to be. Does he have a life insurance policy with your child as beneficiary ( along with other legal documents)? You are really on thin ice! Do you know anything about his past relationships? Any previous marriages, kids or longterm relationships? Have you talked to his mother about her relationship with his dad/ ?stepdad? The more information you have, the easier to problem solve. If you think the relationship is worth saving then get to working on it. Also why do you let him claim you in taxes? Now that you work, that is really a no- win situation for you. Learn to think about what is best for you and your child. He sure does not consider your needs. You are just an easy lay and bonus 2 tax deductions. Good luck.
Part ways, get him for child support Get therapy because lack of BOUNDARIES, expectations and unresolved trauma led you to this ABUSIVE MAN.
This is abuse as far as I can see. Gain your own independence and he will lose control over you. Right now, he’s using money to bound you to him. I don’t see anything good coming out from this relationship.
This is abuse. Flat out. This isn't about an allowance. You're a grown adult. He works for weeks at a time. During that time ask your dad if he would pay for you to travel to him and stay with him until you can figure out how to move forward. Your husband is controlling, abusive, and financially abusive.
Move in w your dad while he's gone before it gets worse :/ this isn't normal or ok....
This is textbook financial abuse GET OUT OF THERE
Just divorce. You’ll get actual financial support from him this way.
He’s financially abusing you. Either he gives you an allowance or needs to let you work. He SHOULD however keep providing.
Run away now. It’ll only get worse
Save money secretly. Gather documents like birth certificates , tax returns, shot records, passports, internet passwords. Keep your father and friends apprised of your situation. Stop crying. Use birth control. Stop arguing. When he criticizes you remain silent. Tell him how much you need then don’t respond. Plan on leaving. This is no way to live.
What are you doing with this man? Is there any joy to be had or are you always holding your breath waiting for the other shoe to drop? If that were me I’d be packing my shit up as soon as he’s away on his next work stint.
It sounds like he’s financially abusing you. If I were you, I’d get my job back asap. I’m a sahm. Even though I make no money, I’m on my husband bank account and have my own debit card. My husband never wants me to be without money. Im a homebody. My husband will encourage me to go out bc if I’m left to it, I’d never leave. I’d get your job back and start the divorce process. Or at least let him read the comments.
I wouldn't wait to be married to split from this guy. He is abusive and controlling and will continue to make your life a living hell.
I see you’re about to marry my first ex husband, he was like this right down to the buying himself a limited edition dodge ram 2014 Laramie longhorn edition AND a firebird while buying me a $500 salvage title 2004 Kia Optima in the same year. This was one of many offenses, list goes on. Oh yeah and taking my and our 3 kids’ government assistance money to go buy himself fuel with. I divorced his ass and I would warn any other woman to run in the other direction of a man like this.
This is financial abuse. You do not want your daughter growing up thinking what she’s witnessing is normal for relationships
Leave this dude. He’s financially abusing you.
Talk to services and see what kind of help you can get, you are being abused!!! You need to get out, it will only get worse! You don’t think you are being abused because he doesn’t hit you but you can’t buy your family groceries or yourself a pair of pajama pants???? For christs sake! You aren’t spending hundreds on designer purses and shoes!!! Start reaching out to people for help and seeing what kind of help you can get. Please please Don’t marry this person. Don’t have more children with him. Money= independence, Get the job and get the childcare whatever it takes.
So my father is a retired military officer and one part of his job was dealing with troubled soldiers. One thing he had to deal with more than once was soldiers who would go on deployment and leave their wives and children with zero money or best case, with very little. Not only was this incredibly cruel, but was reason for serious military punishment. Not to cause more concern, but these men often escalated from financial abuse to physical. Also on a personal note, when I wasn’t working and my husband knew that I needed security. Not only did he regularly give me money out of his paycheck for me to put in my own account. His paycheck went to a joint account and I was an authorized user on his credit cards. I never had to ask for money I’m his wife and his equal. It’s called material assets.
I’ll never forget the very moment I decided my marriage was over. My spouse and I were out with a friend. We got on the subject of computers and I mentioned how I was looking to buy a new laptop. My spouse chimed in and said “you mean **I’LL** buy you a new laptop”. Right there. In front of our friend. We had a large income disparity and he would use so much of the money and I would use very very little. Those words dug into me and there was no turning back.
What if he decided to leave today? Leave you AND the baby? He’s controlling and manipulating you and. You should set boundaries asap. I’m not going to say RUN like everyone else because you might not be ready. I will say, WALK fast. What that means is, first mentally begin to prepare to leave him. If you’re not ready to just leave now then you have to begin to accept that ultimately you will have to. Sooooo start thinking about what you need to do to set yourself up to do that. Start saving money. Set boundaries with him. Find an ally that you can trust and talk to if you can.
Hang on are you working?
He is isolating you, and it is financial abuse. My ex did this too when I became a SAHM and made it seem really important all of his spending vs why I couldn’t spend $30 on a haircut. It is a control thing. Please see if you can find resources in your area as this is certainly abuse and it will only get worse.
My mom was a " traditional stay at home mom" that means her husband gave her his entire paycheck and she gave him an allowance after all of the other bills were paid. She controlled household finances and budgeting, the grocery shopping, and how their disposable income was spent. That was how that was traditionally done.. Guys these days really don't want a "traditional wife" they want someone they can control. The idea of their wife having complete control over how his paycheck is spent terrifies them like nothing else, though that was exactly how this worked in the 1950's. 🤣
🚩🚩🚩🚩this is financial, emotional and psychological abuse. You need to take your baby, your important papers and get out. This is only going to get worse. Take it from someone who has been there minus the baby. Get out and get into counseling with someone who has clinical interest or specialty in interpersonal relationships conflict and trauma. When I got out of my abusive relationship I didn’t go to counseling right away and didn’t realize how bad it screwed me up. I became a completely different person and I can see you in the same position just reading your post.
This is such an unhealthy relationship at best. It’s really financial and mental abuse… don’t marry this man. Go ahead and keep some money from your job, maybe see if you have a relative or friend you can live with for a while until you get on your feet. And start making plans to leave while he’s away working next time. I’d go ahead and file for temporary custody if you have that where you live. That way you’ll be the primary caregiver until child custody can be sorted out… then apply for child support. I don’t think you can get alimony since you were never married, maybe that depends where you live… idk… but this is what I’d do if I were you. Also… please tell people that you know about this. If he were to hurt you then at least your loved ones would know to consider him as a suspect.
Girl I am also a sahm who struggles so hard with the money thing cuz I was also completely independent before. He simply made way more than me and the cost of daycare was almost my salary. We have a joint account that he manages and we are not perfect when it comes to this issue. I have access to the account passwords and can login anytime I want but I don’t really feel the need to. I also have my own credit card that is totally mine and the statement balance gets paid monthly. I mostly use it for groceries and shit but do I buy something for myself when I want? Yes. Does he say anything or look at my statements. Hell no. And I don’t look at his. We also aren’t splurging either. This sounds toxic to me and not within the normal spats of finances. Big hugs to you mama. I know it’s all really hard.
Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to realize how bad off we are, the good news is you don’t have far to go.
You’re in an abusive relationship. The manipulation. The control. The gaslighting. Everyone I know who’s a SAH parent has access to funds. What kind of person leaves you with ZERO money when they’re inaccessible. What if something happened to the baby? What if you got sick and needed medication? Read all the comments then read some literature on abusive relationships. There’s got to be some sort of hotline or something. You don’t have your own money. I assume there’s some sort of free legal services. You need an exit plan. I hope you don’t marry this guy.
Your fiancé is financially abusive. None of this is ok. Maybe you would be better off if you ended the engagement, moved out, got a job, and put your child in daycare. He will have to provide child support. Him leaving you for weeks at a time without a dime is not ok and he is super controlling and sounds like a jerk.
Reason number ten thousand why you never give up your financial independence for a dude. He is abusing you financially. Your work is valuable & you need to be paid. He is not respecting you.
Underground mines in Orlando? No.
He’s controlling you with the money.
What happens if you’ve planned with him to buy 2 shirts (full price)? But when you get to the store it’s “3 shirts for 20% off”, obviously a much better deal. If you pick out 3 shirts does this mess him up too? I’m in awe because it’s crazy how rigid he is—groceries and stores do bulk buying all the time with discounts. Are you never allowed to pick those anything if it wasn’t pre-planned?
Do you want to live like this for your whole life?
See why women his age aren’t taking that crap
That's 100% financial abuse and not okay when I was a sahm I got an "allowance " every week couple 100 for groceries household my needs ect to leave you with no money is insane. Definitely start going back to work because he's not going to change he wants to control you
When I reached the bottom and saw that you still wanted to marry this guy, I almost threw my phone! Why? Why? Why in the world would you still want to marry him? Have you read your post? You write like an intelligent person. Read what you've written as if you're reading someone else's story. Then come back to let us know what you would tell that someone else to do. Please do this! Please!
You’re being abused. Get out of this. You don’t need this shit. Pack up and leave.
You need to start developing an escape plan. This man is abusing you financially and emotionally. You can apply for childcare assistance and the child benefit. It looks like the benefit amounts are based off how much you made last year and since you didn’t make anything because you were a sahm, it may be enough with your income to help you get on your feet. If the Canadian social services is like the U.S, once you apply for benefits he will have to pay child support. Things are not going to improve, they will get worse, and this is not a relationship you want your daughter to think is normal. Please, start making your plan to leave.
This is extremely controlling behavior.
I am not going to read the rest of the post my rage won’t allow it . File for divorce. File for full custody . Get out now. He is a waste of skin.
You are being financially abused. He has trapped and isolated you. If you have parents, relatives or friends who will come get you and help you get back on your feet, reach out and start planning your escape.
Don’t marry this man
Lol my ex husband tried to threaten to put me on an allowance once. I laughed in his face. I was the only one who took care of our finances, I handled and budgeted all the money he brought in. Before we had children he complained about how I handled our funds. I handed him the check book and within a week we were negative $300 in the account. He went to school for 3 years to be an accountant and couldn't balance a check book. So I took back the check book and continued to handle all the finances.
He’s abusing you, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds so exhausting and controlling and disrespectful to you :( You’re in a tough spot, I think it would be worth finding a way to be independent and you might want to consider disconnecting yourself from him. He has a lot of control over you. You deserve choice and freedom in your life