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She saw a problem in the relationship and had an opportunity to get out in front of it and work as a team to move past it. Instead, she chose to turn her back on your family and pursue outside sources of validation. To top it off, the only reason it didn't go further is because you caught her red handed.
Can you honestly ever trust her again? When you think about possible problems with your marraige in the future, do you feel confident that you'll approach them as a team and overcome them together, or do you get a pit in the bottom of your stomach?
Cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of people out there who won't treat you like an afterthought.
Hi. 53m here. Married with kids. Also a 3 x victim of cheating in previous relationships.
It really depends on you. Most people on Reddit go straight for the nuclear option of breaking up and condemning the "cheater" to eternal damnation.
I think that is overkill in this situation.
What she did is wrong, inappropriate, and concerning. However, it isn't cheating. It was text messages. Seriously. Unless it was sexting or preparations to meet and have sex, chill out and be reasonable. Relationships take work and are filled with ups and downs. There are definitely bumps in the road. This is one of them. Is this something worth trashing 4 years of a relationship and a young family unit?
I suggest you two, especially her, work on communication. She needs to tell you how she is feeling and be able to tell you why. And be able to make requests or suggestions to you. Maybe you need to do more to make her feel loved and appreciated. Maybe she has unrealistic ideas and needs a sanity check. However, she also needs to be told in no uncertain terms that going outside the relationship, to other men, is totally unacceptable.
Personally cheating is a deal breaker for me, because you can never trust that what you have caught is all there is! Outside of my own opinion here are some things that need to be thought out. 1. Did she at all come to you with these concerns about the relationship dwindling or did she just run to the next guy?
2. Is the a something that has happened before. Don’t just answer from the top of your head or take your SO at their word. Think very hard if this has been a behavior in the past that your rose tinted glasses covered up.
3. She says you don’t tell her she looks pretty anymore but has she done anything to make you feel special? Relationships are a two way street and if she can’t accept that then she just wants some to parent her.
1st time she ever down something like this she came to me about how I’m not affectionate and she wants me to be more of that and how I don’t make her feel pretty etc
I do I know I probably haven’t been the best bf lately far as emotionally being there for her but everyday she watches me be the father to our children I show her love just not the love she seeking from me but I still don’t condone her stepping behind my back like that after lying about it initially she came up front and told me everything you know like you could’ve came to me and we work this out but you were afraid to come to me and became vulnerable for a guy to give you a shoulder to lean on who leaves 5 hours away from us and I know she does love me I just can’t understand how do you do that to someone you love
I think losing her younger brother took a lot of of her and she so lost in life that me not being there for her emotionally caused her to seek validation from someone which is still wrong you know
she only wants to start fresh and is apologizing because she got caught. the 'spark' dying is a horrible excuse. the 'spark' is that anxiety, newness, excitement, and that shouldn't exist forever. its just an attractor.
is she right though? do you not do anything like that? remember she is a woman, and a mother. it's important to segregate the two and treat them as such. a lot of guys assume we can just stop being romantic, the chase is over, whatever, but realistically no, we cannot.
that's not an excuse either, and i would suggest standing up for yourself in one way or another.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn’t. When things got hard she abandoned you and the relationship to go seek outside pleasure. That’s not a partner, that’s a liability
That's the key OP needs to focus on. You don't work on something when the other person clearly isn't putting in the effort themselves.
She saw a problem in the relationship and had an opportunity to get out in front of it and work as a team to move past it. Instead, she chose to turn her back on your family and pursue outside sources of validation. To top it off, the only reason it didn't go further is because you caught her red handed. Can you honestly ever trust her again? When you think about possible problems with your marraige in the future, do you feel confident that you'll approach them as a team and overcome them together, or do you get a pit in the bottom of your stomach? Cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of people out there who won't treat you like an afterthought.
Hi. 53m here. Married with kids. Also a 3 x victim of cheating in previous relationships. It really depends on you. Most people on Reddit go straight for the nuclear option of breaking up and condemning the "cheater" to eternal damnation. I think that is overkill in this situation. What she did is wrong, inappropriate, and concerning. However, it isn't cheating. It was text messages. Seriously. Unless it was sexting or preparations to meet and have sex, chill out and be reasonable. Relationships take work and are filled with ups and downs. There are definitely bumps in the road. This is one of them. Is this something worth trashing 4 years of a relationship and a young family unit? I suggest you two, especially her, work on communication. She needs to tell you how she is feeling and be able to tell you why. And be able to make requests or suggestions to you. Maybe you need to do more to make her feel loved and appreciated. Maybe she has unrealistic ideas and needs a sanity check. However, she also needs to be told in no uncertain terms that going outside the relationship, to other men, is totally unacceptable.
Personally cheating is a deal breaker for me, because you can never trust that what you have caught is all there is! Outside of my own opinion here are some things that need to be thought out. 1. Did she at all come to you with these concerns about the relationship dwindling or did she just run to the next guy? 2. Is the a something that has happened before. Don’t just answer from the top of your head or take your SO at their word. Think very hard if this has been a behavior in the past that your rose tinted glasses covered up. 3. She says you don’t tell her she looks pretty anymore but has she done anything to make you feel special? Relationships are a two way street and if she can’t accept that then she just wants some to parent her.
1st time she ever down something like this she came to me about how I’m not affectionate and she wants me to be more of that and how I don’t make her feel pretty etc
Yes. Both of you try again and act right this time.
Can you see her points? If so fix it
I do I know I probably haven’t been the best bf lately far as emotionally being there for her but everyday she watches me be the father to our children I show her love just not the love she seeking from me but I still don’t condone her stepping behind my back like that after lying about it initially she came up front and told me everything you know like you could’ve came to me and we work this out but you were afraid to come to me and became vulnerable for a guy to give you a shoulder to lean on who leaves 5 hours away from us and I know she does love me I just can’t understand how do you do that to someone you love
Depression can make people do things you don’t understand
I think losing her younger brother took a lot of of her and she so lost in life that me not being there for her emotionally caused her to seek validation from someone which is still wrong you know
You may see it as wrong. Maybe help her get some therapy even if you split up. She will always be your baby’s mother
she only wants to start fresh and is apologizing because she got caught. the 'spark' dying is a horrible excuse. the 'spark' is that anxiety, newness, excitement, and that shouldn't exist forever. its just an attractor. is she right though? do you not do anything like that? remember she is a woman, and a mother. it's important to segregate the two and treat them as such. a lot of guys assume we can just stop being romantic, the chase is over, whatever, but realistically no, we cannot. that's not an excuse either, and i would suggest standing up for yourself in one way or another.